The Internal Revolution That Replaced a Thinking Mind – Peter

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. If you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, There's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Real alcoholic, as soon as she said we met over the weekend, half the place thought the wrong thing, right? Don't take much, man. My name is Peter, I'm a recovered alcoholic They're not leaving the caffeine alone I am absolutely honored and thrilled to be here And part of this deal this weekend And I don't give that lip service I say that from the bottom of my heart I echo Linda's words when she talked about the energy in here. The spirit of God that's in this place over the weekend has been indeed miraculous, and if we can just for a moment give it up for the committee who put this together over the week. This place, Minnesota, A.A. Minnesota, has a very special place in my heart. I hit my seventh treatment center in 1988 here, and people... It was the only place that would take me. people out here did wonderful wonderful things in putting me back together and helping me on this path to a spiritual revolution and so when i got invited to this deal i realized that it was your spirit extending an invitation to mine and thus we commend shoulder to shoulder upon this common journey and when we follow a few simple rules that god has laid out in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, we get to a place called the sunlight of the spirit and we experience freedom from bondage. We experience bliss and ain't that a good deal? I'd like to thank from the bottom of my heart the committee who was kind enough and generous enough to allow me to be here and put me up this weekend. and Brian, and Karen, and Kate, and Mike, and Cookie, and just a whole bunch of other people. I met my first hero in Alcoholics Anonymous, Chuck Rice, who's floating around. Everyone's hero. What a neat deal. I also ran into a whole of friends who are living out here now, friends from New York and New Jersey. And so to all you guys, please make yourself at home, hit somebody. When I got to the airport, two guys were really arguing a whole lot at the baggage department. I said, well, there's my welcoming committee. I've been blessed on this journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've become blessed with the people I've met. I've being blessed with a program of recovery. I've be blessed with sponsor. I've have been blessed with support group and prospects that I sponsor. I've has been blessed to get out and do a lot of this. I get to do a lot of these things. I get meet a lot people in Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is a long, long way from 1988 when God separated me from alcohol, and I was in the back of a hallway in lower Manhattan dying of untreated alcoholism. And I stand here tonight with a little bit of dignity and the spirit of God revolutionizing my life each and every day, and am so grateful to you for all of you giving me. I thank you really from the bottom of my heart. June 23rd, 1988 is when God separated me from alcohol and I am a sober alcoholic today. I'm also a recovered alcoholic and I say that for a few reasons. First, because I am. Second, because my big book promises me that right at the beginning that I will get to a place called recovered. The other reason why I say this is because the people who are standing here with One day tonight, that you don't have to ever, ever pick up a drink again because the glory of God will revolutionize your life and you will be set free as of tonight. And all you need to do is follow a few simple directions. Your last drink is done. And what a great message I can carry to you and we can carry it to you. The war is over. I will never get to a podium and tell anyone that I'm recovering because what that does is keep me in bondage of self and God in his infinite mercy will not keep me in that place but take me to a place called recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and that's what he's done for me and countless others I won't get to the podium and say I won' tell you that I am recovering because when I do, you know what that does? It excuses a lot of inappropriate behavior for someone who's supposed to be walking in the sunlight of the Spirit on this path. And God has moved me. There's been a shift, an internal shift for me that has brought me from bondage of self to where I stand tonight. And that is a good deal. What I've been set free of on most days is set free off a thinking mind that is looking to destroy me each and every day. There's a great commercial out there that says a mind is a terrible thing to waste. But in alcoholic life, it's a wonderful thing to lose. You with me? The internal dialogue that we suffer from, the voice in the head that's always talking to us about what we're not doing right, how we should be better than what we are doing. I'm always plagued with before and later on, always attached to my external world, thinking that my external worldview is the remedy for an internal condition called alcoholism and that is the delusional thought. What the solution for me who suffers from alcoholism is, is God, very simply God. And really, what we ought to be in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is a pep rally for the power of God. A pep rally for what God can do for us. And shout to the newcomer, you never have to pick up a drink again. So I'm very grateful to have been revolutionized, this internal revolution that I've experienced, by following a few simple rules in a big book, AlcoholicsAnonymous. It wasn't that way when I got here. I was not a person who was looking to find God or looking to make meetings or do anything. I just knew one thing, that I knew the next drink was going to kill me and I'll do anything to stop. And God took me and placed me here with you and I sought this with the desperation of a drowning man and I had no idea what he was goingto do with me. And I'm so grateful for a loving God in all of you, what you've done with me and to me, set me free. june 23rd 1988 in the back of a hallway made a plea to god i says if you're out there please take me from this because i had a moment of clarity where i kind of knew that the next drink was going to kill me and for the very very first time in my life i did not want to die and god heard those very sincere prayers and there was no reservations no lurking notion nothing no bargaining chips nothing standing between the way of me and the loving god Everything was completely removed from me. And my God said, enough. And I have something other for you to do now. And he placed me in, God willing, my seventh and last rehab. And I wound up here tonight. And ain't that a good deal? I am so grateful for that. To tell you, in a general way, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now, and what I'm trying to be like today, living in the sunlight of the Spirit. I've been brought to a new home group called the Vision for You Group we meet in Union, New Jersey. and it's a group that I was one of the founding members of and we're going to be a year old and it is a great group because we talk about the solution from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and a lot of people in my town don't like us because we talked about the solutions until they hit a bottom and then they come looking for us and sometimes they are really desperate and ask me to sponsor them my first drink came when I was about 14 years old And I grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, where the only crime for membership there is a pinky ring, sunglasses and gold jewelry. You know, before I get into telling you my story, I've been asked to tell this story a few times over the weekend about the type of people God put in my life when I first showed up at my first home group called the Free Spirit Group in Bensonurst, Brooklyn. And it's a group that changed how it works into how you're doing. and there were guys in this group who thought The Godfather was an educational movie. But I remember showing up to this group just out coming home from Minnesota and I walked into the group and they knew I was new and they were going to take me on one of these fellowship outings, one of those AA outing kind of deals and they decided that they were gonna go fishing. Now they've never been fishing before but these five guys said we're gonna go fishin'. So how do five guys from Brooklyn get dressed to go fishing? Like I am tonight. So I went along with them, and we're on the boat about two hours, catching absolutely nothing, and finally my friend Sally Boy had the reel in the water, and he finally catches onto something, and he starts pulling on this reel, and he's pulling and pulling, it's getting heavier and heavier, and we start to think maybe it's someone from the neighborhood we thought was on a long vacation. He finally pulls this little fish on board and it's flipping and flapping from side to side so they start throwing punches at it and kicks at it. I'm starting to cry because of the poor fish and look, the deep six me. But finally Sally grabs this fish in a bear hug and goes to stick his head underwater and I said, Sally, what are you doing? He said, I'm going to drown him. And I had the nerve to tell you I'm recovered, huh? But those were the gurus God put in my life. You know, the sad part of that is a lot of those guys are no longer with us. They left AA and picked up a drink and disappeared, and some of those guys died because they didn't submit to this work in our big book. They didn't surrender to the steps. They didn' t surrender to a loving God. They didn''t embrace what we do in here. They subscribed to contemporary Alcoholics Anonymous, which meant put the plug in a jug and make a lot of meetings. And a real alcoholic, for some of us, that's a death sentence. And that's what will happen to a lot o f these guys. Because somewhere in AlcoholicsAnonymous, what happens to us is alcoholism still shows up even though we're separated from alcohol. Alcoholism still shows up. In fact, if you're around here a little while, you will know that alcoholism will go underground and resurface in other areas. It will resurface into sex spree. It will resurface into fear spree, an anger spree a food spree a money spree Alcoholism will resurpace in other areas if I'm not continually reworking the steps and seeking to grow in understanding and effectiveness and that's what happened to these guys and I see it happen to many others I experienced some of that along this path and thank the good Lord for good sponsorship When I hit a wall, they say you need to revisit the work again and have a new experience as power of God because that's what saved my life. Because what we can get now called synonymous after being around here a while is something called reemergence of ego. And my ego wants me dead, will settle for me drunk. It comes from a thinking mind and it will pretty up a junkyard. And even though I'm starting to get away from the sunlight or the spirit, it will tell me, Peter, you're doing great. Don't worry about it. Just double up on your meetings. Sponsor some more guys. And I realize I cannot transmit something I don't have, and I will what I do. And sometimes that's untreated alcoholism. And so what we get sometimes in Alcoholics Anonymous is a strange mental blank spot. We come out of a spree emerging remorseful saying, I'm never going to go back in that spree again. Thank God I didn't pick up a drink. And then we're back in again wondering how did that happen. And I watched it happen to countless others, including some of those guys at my first home group, the Free Spirit Group. And then it got too much and too heavy. and there's one solution for people like us when it's coming down from all ends and that's to go back to a drink again because that's exactly what my mind wants me to do. For me, the main problem centers in the mind, not the body. My mind is always going to take me back to that which is killing me and it's never going to set it up. There I am drinking, wondering how it happened. So I need to continue and I speak for myself, continue to seek this power with the desperation of a drowning man. I'm sober, thank the good Lord, 17 years, June 23rd, and I still seek this work. I still see this power. I have a prayer life. I have meditative life. I have life full of inventory. I work with lots of people. I have sponsor who has a sponsor. And I thank the good Lord, live in all three sides of the triangle. A lot of our AA today is top-heavy in fellowship. And I don't know what's going on in recovery and service, one drunk worker and another. But thank the Good Lord, out of desperation and pain, I've been moved each and every day to continue to live in all three slides of the Triangle, to pack into the mainstream. because when someone one day comes knocking on my door, I'd better be armed with the facts and prepared to give away a solution because what we're doing here is we save lives. We're resurrected. We're reborn in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you haven't gotten that yet, please do because that's what we do. Page 68 in our book says that God will demonstrate through us what he can do. That's great power. I am no longer powerless. God gives me great power, and with that goes great responsibility to work with someone one way or three days or two weeks or the alcoholic who shows up at my door with 25 years of untreated alcoholism and doesn't know what to do, and all they can think about is drinking and suicide. I'd better be ready standing on the firing line. And that's what God will do for me and for you. A vision for you... One of my favorite chapters in the big book, a vision for me, a vision for us. We go to an ocean with a thimble, we come home with a thimple full of water and our Heavenly Father is giving us all and continues to give us all seek this power. I'm no longer a seeker of belief or faith, I seek experience through this power so I can give away in abundance it comes to me and I give it away. That's what we're about in Alcoholics Anonymous that is the glory of God in Alcoholic Anonymous. The neat thing about AA and sometimes it gets watered down and gobbled, what we are about here is about God And yet you'll hear in Contemporary Aid, don't talk about God because you're scared a new comer out. If he or she's lucky, booze may kick them back in if they don't die. Why deny someone the real deal, the solution? And that's God. All the steps we do, all the service we do all the fellowshipping we do all the wonderful things we do all these type of conferences all the outings we do they're pointers. My experience has proven to me and countless others they're point is to God their point is to the glory of God, so we can experience it, wake up, and drinking is removed from the equation. Step 10 promise. It just comes to us, and that's the miracle of this whole deal. We get free. We get set free, no longer in a bondage of alcoholism. And that is one of the greatest things we can shout from the rooftops for a newcomer or someone who's here for a long time wondering, how come I can't get past me? Wherever I go, there I am. How come I cannot escape this thing called alcoholism? Yet we have a solution. And I'm so grateful that my home group, when somebody walks in the door, we can say, we have a solution for you. You never have to pick up a drink again. Pretty neat deal. That's a long way from dying in a hallway with a bottle of Mr. Boston Blackberry branding praying for death. That's what God has done for me and many others. So I treat this gift, this miracle called sobriety, as precious. And that's why I said at the very opening, this sacred place called Alcoholics and I is because it is sacred. I wish you guys could just get up here for a second and look out at all of you. How terrific, how wonderful, how indescribably wonderful you guys look. And you know we're not supposed to be here tonight. But here we are, free. How's that for God working in our life, man? My first drink came, as I was saying earlier When I was about 14 I grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn And I remember my first drink like a week ago I remember what was going on Who was there and what was taking place And what was taken place within me Was not very nice I had a judge that was screaming in my head Of what a loser I was I had things happen to me as a young boy that no young boy or girl should ever experience from someone. It was horrific, and I walked around feeling dirty all the time. The judge in my head was saying, you caused all of this stuff. It was a horrific time for me growing up. I had a voice in my heart that never, never let me rest. I was driven by a hundred forms of fear, never feeling good enough no matter where I went. If I tried hanging out with intellects, I had no shot. If I try hanging out avec les athlètes, je me fais mal. If I tried hanging out with the tougher guys, I would get beat up. Wherever I was there, I kept showing up and I didn't know how to get out of me. So here I am on the corner in Brooklyn and my friends are passing around a quart of Colt 45 beer that night and there was a church feast happening, one of these carnival kind of deals. And I watched them drink Colt-45 beer and as they were drinking, they seemed to be joyous, happy and free. They seemed to have been having a really good time and I want what they had to offer. They were roughhousing and talking to the girls and doing all the things like when you're, like they were older guys, 17 and rebels without a clue but I wanted what they had to offer. I had this thing going on within me that if I was to get fired up with these guys, I knew in my mind that the cops were going to turn the corner, jump out of the car, catch me drinking, beat me up and send me to jail and I didn't want that. I had a guy called Dad who was cunning, baffling and powerful. In my mind's eye he was 20 feet tall. He was a tough guy, a street guy, and if he would walk in this room back then I would look for the back door to get out of here. He would look at me and I was shaking my shoes and I kept thinking if the cops don't turn the corner I know he is and he's going to catch me drinking and I want no part of that deal. I mean back then if you asked me my name I would stutter. I was so insecure and feeling so inadequate and so driven by fear I'd make up an answer just for you to like me because I was attached to my external world. people can tell me, Pete, you're a great guy. And the 11th person would say, I don't like you. And I went home with that. And I would pay attention to that and own that and live with that, and that's how I was when I was a young boy. So my friends are passing around a quart of Colt .45 beer, and I don' t know why a book talks about the grouch and the brainstorm. I had a brainstorm. Why not? So I put my hand in it and I took a few pops. Now six months prior to my first drunk, my mom who suffered from this thing called alcoholism took her life. It brought her to a place of incomprehensible demoralization and it finally succeeded and her only way out was to take her life and I watched her get sick and die from alcoholism and when she finally did that, I was completely leveled by it. It took a lot of years in here and getting a lot outside help to get free of that. It tormented me. My legs were taken out from under me when I got the news of what had happened to her and six months later, I'm having my first drink. And I remember as the Colt 45 beer went down, it hit my gut and I remember nothing happened. The cops didn't drive up nor did my dad and I was still standing there and so were my friends. So on that, I took a few more pops and I took a few and then suddenly something happened to me that was indescribably wonderful. I was no longer driven by fear. I was not longer restless, irritable and discontented but as I continued to drink, I was present and awake to the moment. I was having an experience. The fear of my dad and the police were removed, the horrific pain of losing my mom was removed, and I was feeling really good. As I continued to drink, I got taller, I got better looking, and every girl on the corner wanted me in the worst way. What are you laughing at? We've got two screens here. Re-emergence of ego, sorry. What a good deal. Alcohol, Co 45 beer did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It was a panacea for my ills. It worked on all my bedevilments. It removed a lot of things. And I'll take more. And as I continued to drink, I was doing what the other guys were doing, what the older guys are doing, roughhousing, talking to the girls, feeling like little gangsters. Dirty Harry and Beretta rolled into one by the end of the night. And they were suddenly coming to pay honor to me by the time I went home that night. Great stuff, great stuff. I've heard many of us share some terrible consequences on the first drunk. Terrible things happened to us, whether we're young or pick up a drink later on in life, but terrible things. I've had many stories. Nothing bad happened to me. In fact, I went back home and I was like, I went to bed, got up the next morning, my teeth were still in my mouth, I hadn't soiled my clothes, I hadn'T been arrested, everything was okay. And I remembered everything. There was no blackout. I went down to the park the next morning to play basketball with the other guys and I remember as I walked into the park there was something going on within me that was different for the first time. And my shoulders were a little bit wider. My chest was a little big. My chest a little bigger because I had a war store and I could measure up with the older guys and I found a solution to what plagued me the entire rest of my life and that was alcohol. Up until that point I was plagued with fear, alcoholism, all its bedevilments, and suddenly something worked. And I can get away from me for the first time, and I knew that. I found a solution. And I'll tell you this. Alcohol was not a problem for a lot of years. Alcohol was a solution." It worked. I drank, and i went there. I got to that place that's indescribably wonderful, and I'll take more. It worked." I had no idea it was going to turn, as Bill says in his story, like, in its flight, like a boomerang, and cut me to ribbons. It took me to debt's door in 1988. If I live to be 100, I will never be as old as the day I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because that's what it did to me. I now know why. I had to get leveled to that point for me to be built up again. When we read Varieties of a Religious Experience, he talks about having us to be broken down in order to be made new again. I remember picking up a drink the following week, no consequences. The following week I drank again and little by slowly I went from drinking on Saturdays to Friday and Saturday and then it became Friday, Saturday and Sunday and then I started to drink during the week and I started to experience some consequences as a direct result of my drinking. They would be little things like my dad out socializing. I had two kid brothers at home who idolized me. They looked up to me. They listened to the music I did. They tried to dress like me, play the sports I did and they were always feeling safe and secure around their older brother. But what happened because of alcoholism, I would leave the house, get drunk and come home drunk. And very often a nasty, ugly drunk and my kid brothers got all of it and they started to become fearful of me. And they would tell my dad about what walked in the night before and then my dad would corner me and give me the riot act. My dad's a street guy and it isn't like, you know, Leave It To Beaver where dad has a shirt and tie and we retire to the library for father and son talk. uh you're with me right my dad any room or street corner will do and he let me have it about what what i was turning into but my biggest problem with drinking back then was his and their problem with my drink and i just wish they would leave me alone because you don't know what it's like for me i'm driven by this thing i couldn't label but i now know fear i'm driven by the sting that i couldn t label i now know is alcoholism and it was working for me I started to drink more often, the consequences got worse And what had happened to me was I started becoming a coward quickly And like a coward, I started stealing from people who loved me Like my family Because I would wake up in the morning When the morning terror and madness were on me And I needed money to get fired up And what I would do is start to steal things in the house I would start to take things that didn't belong to me My dad was very generous He would leave money lying around the house And I would take some My kid brothers would have money tucked away in their drawer and I would take some. I would start to take jewelry. And one morning, I woke up and everyone was sleeping and I needed money to go get fired up and I didn't know what to do. And I went into this dresser drawer and I discovered my dad's checkbook. I had to brainstorm, well, maybe I could forge his name and go to the liquor store or bodega and get some money to get fired off and I did that and I was successful. I did it and I said, I did a lot of things and I've done that a few times but I didnít know anything about something called checking statements and he got all these checks back that came back to him with a forged name and then he came looking for me And he caught me over in lower Manhattan. And my dad, I remember I was sitting in a car with someone and he drove up. And my Dad's like, my Dad present shows up 20 minutes before he does. And he jumped out of the car and screamed my name and I knew I was in serious trouble. And I told the girls, listen you deal with him, I'm out of here. And he called me and I did the usual alcoholic deal, I am sorry and a lot of tears. And he wasn't buying any of it, and he sent me off to my first treatment center in Long Island, New York. And what I did out there was 28 days of rehab. I had not conceded to my innermost self that I was a real alcoholic. I just got in trouble. In fact, I'll tell you, my first few treatment centers, I went away because the heat was too hot. I had no idea deep down in here that I'm a real alcoholics. I just wanted to get the heat off. And that's what happened in my first treatment center. I didn't want to experience my dad being any more angry at me than he already was, so I'll go to treatment. Okay, fine. That's what you're encouraging me to do. Let's go. And I did 28 days in there, and I did great. I mean, I didn'T think I was an alcoholic. I had the first nip of the ringer. I was doing push-ups and sit-ups, eating great, sleeping great. I learned wonderful words, middle-of-the-road solutions for a guy like me, enablers, dysfunctional family, triggers, issues. It's your fault, not mine, that I'm an alcoholic I hated my family more after 28 days than before I went in there. And so I got out after 28 days, and you know what I did right? They told me to go to AA meetings and I said okay fine, I inquired and I kept going, I had a friend meet me at the door, we cracked the seal on a pint it went down, the allergy took over and I was right back to the same vicious cycle again. I had no idea back then what separates me from the moderate and the hard drinker. Why am I the guy on page 21? Why do my kid brothers drink safely? Why can they get drunk and then pick up the pieces the next day? Why can my friends get drunk at parties and not get into trouble like I do? When, why do they have the power of choice and I don't? And I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and I find out what the problem is. Not talked enough about in meetings of AlcoholicsAnonymous, what we suffer from, a three-fold deal that separates me from the Moderate and the Hard Drinker. This phenomenon of craving, that whenever I drank alcohol, the craving was intensified, never satisfied. And I had a mind that was going to take me back to it over and over and again. When I wasn't drinking, what was I thinking about drinking? When I was drinking, I was worried about the next one that was going to back it up. And the third thing that I suffer from is something called a spiritual malady. And that is for me to get reconnected, reintegrated, re-experienced with this power of God because somewhere, and I think maybe it was when my mom passed, somewhere I was separated from this power. And not that I was a God stronger than God, that I can just push God away, but I just wasn't experienced with him anymore. I grew up loving God. My mom told me how to pray. She took me to my religious community and I watched her get sick and dying somewhere in there. He and I split. I get to do this stuff a lot and I meet a lot of people who relapse and they all tell me that they stopped making meetings. And I said, there's got to be something behind that, why you're getting drunk. And after giving them some considerations, they all had the same answer in different words. Them and God, the relationship stopped. It was done. And for people like us, when that happens, we pick up a drink, and that's what was going on with me. And I was right back to the same vicious cycle again. So those are the three things that I suffer from that separate me from the moderate and the hard drinker. I've seen people, you know, sit down, have dinner and have a half a glass of wine and walk away. That's alcohol abuse, by the way. I'm sitting there going, finish it, man, finish it. I didn't know about this stuff back then, but I remember going right back to the same vicious cycle and getting drunk and in more trouble, and my family started to look at me like a lunacy commission should be appointed for me. What are we going to do with this guy? And I hit my second rehab, and I hit my third rehab, and I had gotten a job as a longshoreman on the Brooklyn docks. And a lot of rough characters go down there. And little by slowly, I started to hang out with these people and started to borrow money from them. The problem was they wanted a little bit back each week. And I could never... You know those type of people, right? I could ever come up with the money. And I would get in a lot of trouble with people like this. and my dad would have to get me out of scrape after scrape after scrape. And here was a man who was a shop steward, walked proud his entire life and my alcoholism started to level him. He started like my brother started to experience the hideous four horsemen terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair and they didn't even drink alcoholically. They didn't even do anything but they were experiencing my alcoholism because of what I was bringing to their doorstep. And I want to get to a podium and say, all I have to do today is not drink and I'm a winner. What about the people I leveled on the way into Alcoholics Anonymous? A book says we're like tornadoes roaring through the lives of others. I left damage and debris, and it started right underneath my own roof with my dad and my kid brothers who experienced my alcoholism, were leveled by my alcoholism. And I'm going to get up on stage and say to them, I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go back to the podium and tell a newcomer, all you have to do today isn't drink and you're a winner." What a lie with bad information. Because what we do is here we wake up with this information, we have a spiritual experience, and then we go back into those families and resurrect them. We show them a new way. We become useful people of our families and occupations and affairs again. And that's what I had to do because my family was getting leveled by my alcoholism. Our book says years of living with an alcoholic will make any wife or child neurotic, the whole family is to some extent dill. I need to go back with this spirit and bring it there. And I'm so grateful, so grateful for good sponsorship that told me about this stuff, that I had to take the bit in my teeth many times and take the lead and go back there. And my family, because of what you guys have given me, our roots grafts new soil today. We've been set on a different path, new footing, because of what you have given me to take there. And I'm so grateful for that. I'm just so grateful for that." Back then it was a hell of a lot different though. Back then, what was going on under my roof was not pretty. My family started to argue, they started to become fearful. When the phone would ring at 11 o'clock at night and I wasn't home, they were waiting for the phone call. And they got a few of them. He's in the hospital, he's in trouble, he's in a prison again, here we go. And they would have to come bail me out. I'm so grateful for what you guys are giving me to bring back to them. And one of the best gifts my dad told me I've given him is he sleep nights because of what I do here. He sleeps nights. My kid brothers are not worried about me anymore that way. I brought peace into their life by just living this. What a great deal we do here! I remember getting this job on the waterfront, thank you. And I started to do a lot of illegal things for the price of a drink and I knew I needed them because I would get paid on Wednesday and come back Monday and when I was broke and I would try to hustle up some money on the Waterfront and I did a lot legal things down there to get some money and little by slowly I started getting in some more trouble And I got bounced off that job. And I remember getting into my fifth treatment center. And my dad would show up over and over and over again like the cavalry, you know, helping me. And many times he would lock the door and tell me don't come home and come back in and we'll help you and throw me out and take me back in anything for me to experience truth, whatever it was. And this time I got bounced off the waterfront and I got into my fifth treatment centre and my dad set me up with this apartment. This fifth treatment center, by the way. I spent nine weeks in there. Nine weeks in treatment, physically separated from alcohol. I was out on a Saturday and drunk on a Monday again because I still had the mind of an alcoholic. I got fired from a job which was impossible to lose. Iwas making really good money and spending it on drinking all the time. I Was getting addicted to some other things. My life was in the toilet and everyone knew it except me. And I was wondering what is their problem with me, why can't you just leave me alone? I could never see truth. Why would my sick mind, my alcoholic mind allow me for one minute to get a glimpse of truth? It won't. It needs to keep breathing and in order to keep breeding, my ego, my mind needs to keep feeding me lies because once it experienced truth, a part of self may die and I may get free and that is not what alcoholism wants. Wants me dead will settle for me drunk and was doing a great job and was taking my family with me. I start to have a shift in perceptions so horribly back then, so horribly that I started to really dislike my family to the point of hating everything they represented. Alcoholism was having a great time with me. Shift in perceptions was destroying me. Today I find out it's my perceptions which cause me pain and suffering, not the reality of it. I have a new shift in perceptions, a new reality, a New Truth and no longer paying attention to a thinking mind but listening to a Spirit of God who moves me rather than me getting driven by fear. Back then it was doing a great of trying to kill me though so what happens I get this place that my dad sets me up in and little by slowly I brought like the whole Bowery into this little apartment it was a little studio apartment I had to go outside to change my mind it was so small but it was home and my dad furnished it for me all the things I should have been doing right furnished her for me got me a little TV a clock rate or bought me some clothes to go back to work he was trying to get my job back, filled up the refrigerator, all these wonderful things that a loving parent would do. And when he drove away I waited a few minutes and took the new TV out on my shoulder and sold it. And everything went out the door with it, the clothes in the boxes and everything. And I brought the Bowery into this place. What lived upstairs from me was a landlord with his wife. He was working going to school. He had a little one and his wife was pregnant with another one on the way. And they were trying to make their way. And I would come too sometimes in his bed and they would be in the backyard on a Sunday morning having these family get-togethers and I hated everything they represented, just the way I hated my family for everything they presented. But there was a part of me that wanted that so bad and I knew it was never going to happen for me. I was filled with raging jealousy because I knew alcohol was my master, it owned me and there was no way out. I had gone to some AA meetings and they said, kid, put the plug in the jug. And I says, no, it keeps coming out. I can't keep it in the jug. Just don't drink and go to meetings. I don't want to go to meets. All I want to do is drink. I'm without power, choice, and control. Please, somebody help me. I've gone to a psychiatrist. I've got to a priest. And I even went to AA. And they're telling me that doesn't work. What am I supposed to do? And I would lay in this bed at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, hung over my head on sideways, getting sick, needing to get money to get fired up so I don'T get sicker, wondering what am I going to do now? This apartment turned into a barrier, it was horrible I'll share with you, not for shock value But what alcoholism took me to There were no sheets and pillowcases like I sleep now In a clean bed There was nothing on it except soil spots on the bed Because I wasn't making it to the bathroom at night Nor did I care There was blood all over my clothes I was about 50 pounds less than I weigh now I would have these audio hallucinations I was experiencing blackouts all the way All the time there was garbage all over the floor Bathing was the last thing on my mind. Drinking was number one. I woke up in a state of obsession, sick, had to drink and I would go to any lengths to get a drink. Alcoholism, alcohol was my master. It owned me. And it was loving every minute of it. And if I think because I do this every so often or because I'm sober for 17 years and God has kept me separated that I don't need to seek this power with the desperation of a drowning man, that that stuff is not waiting for me somewhere out there, God, am I delusional? Alcoholism ain't done because I'm sober so long. When I'm having an experience with God, alcoholism has no shot. But God forbid if I should walk away from this glory, I'm in serious trouble again. And that has been made abundantly clear to me and I share that with people who are new or sitting here tonight rocking and rolling wondering what's going on. Seek experience with the power of God and you will get free. I will tell you waking up though, getting free is not too pleasant. It's uncomfortable. Having a spiritual awakening is not a wonderful thing. Writing inventory, if it's not disturbing you, maybe you're not doing inventory. I'm writing inventory and writing about all the wonderful things I do. That's not inventory, man. It's about taking a look at different manifestations of self that are killing me. all the blockage between me and God, all the things I've accumulated, worship of other things. That's not pleasant. Taking a look at self for the very first time is not pleasant but when you get to the other side, when you gets to the another side of that archway of writing inventory, you stand free, you experience bliss and the drink problem has been removed and those are not my words, that's our basic text. It has been moved, it will be done for you. Great promise, contemporary AA will tell you well, you're going to think about a drink forever. No, you are not. You'll be set free. I'm in this apartment after a short time I get bounced out of it because of the way it looked and some of my behavior in there and not paying rent anymore and almost burning the place down a couple of times and my landlord threw me out of there and I went to live on the streets and I was bounced off the waterfront once more and my family had no idea what to do with me anymore My dad who stood proud was walking hunched over My kid brothers didn't want me around them or their friends anymore. When I would show up, doors would get locked, jewelry would get put away, and everyone was on eggshells. They were in bondage of my alcoholism. I got bounced out of this apartment. I went to live on the streets for a while, and I remember getting into my sixth treatment center. And I was in there for a day and a half, and I was signing myself out AMA. The obsession to drink alcohol was so overpowering to me that it didn't allow me to see truth. And the counselor sat with me and said, Peter, if you leave here, you're going to pick up a drink and you're going to die. My distorted thinking said, let's take our chances. We need to get out of here. See, I can never pull off think-the-drink-through. Page 24 talks about this. Trying to think the drink through. I will get to a place where my mind will convince me that it's going to be different this time. It won't be that bad. I'll do it different. I won't get burned this time." I'm trying to use a sick thinking mind to overcome a sick thinking mind, and they're telling me to think the drink through. Who needs to go through to work? Me or you? So I can never do that. And they pleaded with me, please don't leave. But I signed myself out and I went back to the streets and I picked up a drink and I was right back again. But this time alcoholism did horrible things to me. Standing here tonight sober, I'm grateful for the bottoms I hit because it moved me to a place of willing to do anything. It moved me into a place wanting to experience this God. It moved me to a place of wanting to know this God, have a relationship with this God talk to you about this God standing in the sunlight of the spirit of this God that's what I want to do today and it's because of the bottoms I hit. I'll never survive them again that I do know but I'm grateful for them and what alcoholism did to me was brought me to living in the streets and panhandling by the Manhattan Bridge in lower Manhattan and doing a lot of ugly earthy things for the price of a drink and didn't care in fact sometimes the consequences of my behavior didn't even show up in the picture why would it why would alcoholism give me truth and i would just go and be driven and be driven and bee driven and do whatever i had to do and i had lost contact with my family by this time which looking back on it was one of the most painful things i experienced and i remember being outside the port authority uh on about 40th street 9th avenue in manhattan And I had what I think almost all of us get, is that moment of clarity. A book talks about the flimsy reed, which proves to be the loving and powerful hand of God. That flimsey reed. That moment of truth. We're struck sober for a moment and we know exactly where we stand. There's no denying anymore. And as I stood there, I knew what I was. And I thought of my mom who passed many years before. My dad and my kid brothers who I hadn't seen for some time. And I knew who I was I was a bum in the street who couldn't stop drinking and I hated every fiber of my being and you know what I did as God served me that truth I let him know about it too and I cursed God with every word I can think of you did this to me you took my mom, you took my family and you turned me into this and I wanted no part of God and I let Him know it you know where the loving God did because it was a short time later I was in another hallway in worse shape dying of untreated alcoholism dying to get to the next drink, and I would go to any lengths to get it. And I had this moment again. God gave me one more opportunity. And in that opportunity, I remember begging, begging, if you're out there, please take me from this. I was not thinking about Alcoholics Anonymous or making meetings or a big book or getting a sponsor. I just didn't want to die. From the time I was a little boy, I reflected on this many times, and it came to me very clearly. For the time I can remember as a little boy, I wanted to die. And when I found alcohol, I found a solution to take me there. I did not want to grow up. I would hear people talking about adult things, teenagers talking about teenage things, and it scared me to death. I wanted no part of this, and I knew in here I could never do it. And when my mom died, I said, I want to go with her. I am done. And I tried, and my entire life I wanted to die in this hallway, the second time in this in this hallway when I pleaded, if you're out there, please take me from this. It was the first time, the very first time in my life that I didn't want to die. And that was looking back on it, the beginning of a spiritual experience for me. A spiritual experience begins with a mustard seed of willingness and right there, I says, I don't want zu die and I knew it in here and I know the next drink was going to kill me and I didn' t want any part of this. I was homeless and living in the streets. I remember the first night I was home was running around the Lower East Side. I said, well, this ain't a bad deal. And then I realized if something horrific happens to me, no one even knows. And the streets destroyed me. I got leveled out there. I got beat up more times than I'm proud to share about. I mean, it was an ugly scene for me. Sleeping in hallways and panhandling, wondering when is it going to happen. I was walking around with impending doom that I'm going to get arrested or maybe I should just try to take my life or someone's going to hurt me really bad and do me in. And it was a horrible way to walk around. That's how I walked. But in this hallway, this one time, I didn't want any of that. I did not want to die anymore. Many times prior to that when I thought about, well, maybe if I take my life or I do get killed on the street because I was hanging out with some ugly people, you know what? I welcomed the idea. Let's get it over with. If I drink myself to death tonight, you know why? So what? I'll save everyone pain and misery. And this time I didn't want any part of that. I remember going to a pay phone to call my dad. The only person who would come to get me in this condition was my dad If it wasn't for the courage, strength and direction that God gave this man Who's like my best friend in the world today It wasn't for the coverage, strength, and direction that God gave this man. You have a different speaker here tonight. We say in AAF, God works through people. It isn't only us. It's people. It's a policeman. It's an individual. It's not just a daughter. It's spouse. It's son. Whoever. And for me, it was my dad. And I'm walking through the streets. I need to get help. What do I do? Call my dad, and I remember going to the pay phone, and I had no money. I was gonna call him, collect, and every time I would pick up the phone, I would just break down in tears and hang up the phone. And I kept thinking as I went to call him, if he sees the condition I'm in. I had soiled clothes and holes in my shoes, and I hadn't bathed in for some time. I was underweight. I was really, really sick. And how could I let him see me this way? But I tried anyway. I would hang upthe phone and have another crying jag and keep walking the streets. And my dad was out of town with his wife. And while he was with his wife socializing, he had a feeling deep down in here that I was in trouble. And he said, I need to go back to Brooklyn and look for my son Peter because I think he's in trouble, and God works through people. And she really wasn't too sure what he was doing, but he came looking for me, and he found me that night. He drove back from way down in South Jersey up to Brooklyn, and he saw me running in the streets. And I remember him driving up, and I saw him, and this time he didn't get out of the car like he did the first time. But he walked across the street, and I remember saying, Dad, you know, I'm okay. And I looked at the part of a trunk, I said, I don't care, I'll be fine. I'm OK, let's not panic. And I remember he walked over to me and me collapsing in his arms. What I experienced in that hallway and when I fell into my dad's arms is very simple. We experience God when resistance stops. We go from suffering because we're going to do it our own way. We're going figure out an angle. I'm going to try it different and we suffer and we suffer and then we go from that to a place called surrender and in that surrender resistance stops and we go from our minds where resistance lives to our spirit where we get free and that's what happened to me in that moment and it was the glory of God and I didn't even know it but I felt like it's over. It was still and inthat stillness is where this power is. And I collapsed in my dad's arms and I remember coming to tears and I felt like some sort of relief. And my dad is not this type of man, but I remember him holding on to me and patting me on the back and him telling me, you're going to be okay, I'm not going to lose my son to this. He stood proud in the most sordid moment in my life. And stood strong in the more sordide moment of my life And then he sent me off to, God willing, my seventh and last rehab I remember being ten days back in this place In Long Island, New York And my thinking mind was still at it And I kept thinking If I can just get out of here and have one more drink I can go back to group and talk about my dysfunctional family my enablers, my issues, and do push-ups and sit-ups. And Bill talks about that in the Mayflower Hotel, pacing back and forth when the insidious insanity of the first drink was coming on him and it was galloping back to me. I remember talking to someone about it and I didn't get that death wish. What happened to me, they sent me off to you guys, to Minnesota Treatment Center out here. And I remember going to Newark Airport and my dad and my kid brother, he was the escort, there was no way I was getting out of this deal. My dad's a pretty big guy, my kid brother is even bigger than him and it was like lock and load. Get them on the plane, you know? I remember it was before 9-11 and families could walk you as far as they wanted pretty much and I was going on the plain and something moved me to turn around. I was so full of shame and guilt but something still turned me, moved me, to turn around. And I looked back and my dad was, tears were rolling down his face. And my kid brother was crying and he mouthed the words to me, he says, please get better. And I remember on my way onto the plane, I says, God, I will do anything to get better, to help them. I'm tired of bringing them pain and suffering. I will do anything. And they showed up to you guys in a place in St. Paul, and I was out there for about six weeks, and they sent me to a halfway house out here, and I was brought to a meeting called the Three Legacies Meeting. they took me to a few meetings but that meeting was something happened for me that never happened before our book talks about perhaps we've disturbed you on the question of alcoholism they disturbed me many times they gave me truth and they didn't let anyone read the big book for them They didn't lie to an alcoholic. Great lessons I learned there. I saw people get to the podium dressed with suits, women dressing with suits with a big book. They stood there with dignity. They looked good when you walked in the door. This was something foreign to me based on a type of people I had been running with. I was scared to death when I walked into that meeting, but I saw People get to that podium and talk about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And I remember I had a friend taking me, and I couldn't wait for Friday night just to be among them. Maybe it'll rub off on me. They stood there looking so proud and such dignity and talked about Alcoholics Anonymous, and I never heard a speaker get to the podium and do an injustice to our big book or our steps or AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I don't know where that meeting is now, but if anyone's a member of that group, I love you guys for what you did there for me, and you'll never know how much you did for me. I remember... I remember a gentleman got up to the podium and he had a bow tie, he had a beard, he was balding a little and he was older than my dad. And I says man what is he gonna say? Ten minutes into his talk he hooked me and I'll probably never meet this man but he told my story almost identical of the same horror story or experience from parents on down. This man will never know how much he did for me, but I said, someone else is like me. And there he is, standing before me. These people took me into their homes, took me out to diners. I saw how they lived and my eyes could not deny the truth. They weren't only talking a good deal from the podium, they were walking the walk that people God put in my path from that group, from some of you people at other groups out here. I remember going to someone's home, they're watching a Vikings playoff game and everyone was gathered around watching and talking and It was just wonderful. I said, how do you do this? I saw it in my eyes, you guys living this deal. And I wanted it so desperately. I was brought home after 10 months to back home. And I was bought to my first home group, the Free Spirit Group. And I remember saying, who am I going to ask to sponsor? And God put my first teacher in my life. And if you're here tonight and you don't know who to ask for a sponsor, real simple because it's worked for me twice. In prayer, ask God to show you a teacher because he or she is already out there and the dots are going to get connected for you. Just ask your Heavenly Father, please Father, I need a teacher. Why would He deny you to get to someone to take you to Him? Why would he deny us a teacher that's going to bring us to Him and that's what I did and my first sponsor showed up and we began a journey through the big book from the cover of our book and we worked our steps and we went through this deal and I worked with this man for about 13 years and then something happened around there where I knew a new teacher. And I prayed once again, we can outgrow our sponsors if they're not seeking this power, if they are not seeking to continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And I sought out a new teach. And I asked God. And Mark H. from Texas was put in my life who has been an absolute gift to me. Mark Houston from Texas. What a great man this is. A giant in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I began going through this work again and again and again, and I continue to revisit this work and continue to wake up and have new experiences. I realize the value of prayer and meditation. Realizing that what we do here, what I needed to do with this work was continually remove things. Because what happens to me after being around here a while, I get new belief systems that keep me in bondage of self. I get old belief systems that still lay around. I got old prejudice that needs to go. I've got new content that needs to go, and it all needs to be removed. So I stand before my creator with nothing. The Carpenter said something like, Blessed are the poor in spirit because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. That everything, worship of other things, all my attachments to external world, external conditions are completely removed. There's nothing between me and my God. And that's when I experience, that's When I get revolutionized. And I need to go through the work over and over and again. And that' s what I've been experiencing. And working, working with so much enthusiasm with 10 and 11. I've had incredible experiences with prayer meditation. And I owe so much of that to my sponsor, to so many of you, to talk about this stuff. You want to hear silence at your contemporary AA meeting? Make the topic what it's like entering the world of the spirit or living in the fourth dimension. Excuse me. And while I'm on that, I'll get on a soapbox for a minute. How come so many AA meetings, if you bring in a big book, they're looking to throw you out? It's like being a Catholic and walking to a church with the Bible And the priest says, what are you bringing that thing in here for? How many AA meetings when you talk about the steps You get labeled with ugly names How many meetings you walk into a big book And they say, we don't want to talk about that here There was a meeting in Staten Island that called itself Well, I won't say the name of the night Because I know who I'm talking about But it was called the Big Book Study Group And so we went in there to have a bigbook study And they told us not to come back Because we're not that type of group Why do we deny people truth? So I'm grateful for people like this I've had meditation experience Which completely revolutionized my life Again and again and again For a long time You know, I would pray to this power I had experiences with this power But there was a little part of me That said Does God really know me? Pete Marinelli Does he really know you? Does he know me Does he hear my heart when it hurts Does he see me when I'm crying? Does he know those things? There was a part of me that really wasn't sure. There was another part of my that wondered, is my mom really okay? Can I really make peace with her? And working with prayer and meditation, and I do three practices a day with prayer meditation. In the middle of the day, I start working with a religious practice. And I would sit 20 minutes each time. And I write my inventory. And I would try to get clear so I can hear, because if I'm not clear, the voices of yesterday are going to be plaguing me today. I'm going to completely be blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit, and I can't hear you. I can' t hear the sounds between the words you speak, because I'm so plagued with my stuff. So I would work, and I would worked, and would work and would practice. And I started working with this meditation. And here's what happened for me. It gave a new depth and weight for me I started to see in this meditation this look like a statue, an old broken-down sort of statue. And I didn't think much about it. And I went into meditation the very next day and I see this statue again. It got a little bit clearer. And the third day, it got even clearer. And little by slowly, this statue turned to be lifelike. And she was holding, a religious figure, holding a baby in her arms. And the baby was me. And I remember during this experience and where I come from, I didn't know it at the time but this had some significance because I talked about this. I was getting this scent of what I thought was flowers, they were roses. Very strong scent of it. And I was told where I came from that has a great significance. I didnít know anything about this, I sat with Mark, he says youíre having an experience, donít talk this away, just let God connect the dots with you and work with this. In this meditation, a couple of days later, this same deal happens to me and she tells me to go revisit somewhere. When I was three years old, I watched my mom have a complete nervous breakdown on the street in South Brooklyn. I remember the corner and what happened to her and she was in hysterics punching this brick wall and there were police and ambulance drove up and I was about three years older and I Was about 20 feet away from her and I watched her collapse and all these people gathering around and frozen in fear watching this happen to my mom and we lived upstairs from a luncheonette and the owner of a luncheonette came down and I remember him covering my eyes And that's all I remember for a few moments. And then we were in this hospital, and the door, as it closed, I remember getting a glimpse of my mom strapped down to her gurney with doctors or whatever, where they had nurses, and screaming. She was screaming in hysterics. I remember my dad and my grandmother and my grandfather were there. And I walked with that. The first wake, the first funeral I ever walked into ever in my life was my mom lying there. And I remembermy knees going out from under me Because she would tell me many times, don't tell dad about the drinking I'm doing. Hide my bottle of pills. Don't tell Dad about it. And when I walked into this funeral, there she was. And what happened to me, my mind says, you could have stopped this. You blew it. And I walk with this for years. And I work with that vision of her collapsing in South Brooklyn and her being strapped down to a gurney. And as I got sober, I kept thinking maybe I need to go back there and revisit that spot. And I don't know why, but something in here is telling me to go revisit. And the teachers in my life at the time said, no, leave it alone. But Mark, who's wide awake, knew exactly what was happening to me, and he said, you need to go back there. And he was on his way from New York back to Texas, and a friend from California was in town, Joe H. And he said speak to Joe. Joe will go with you. And I sat down with Joe on a Thursday night, and he says, oh, yeah, we need to go. He says, we'll go Saturday. And we drove down to this spot in South Brooklyn. And Joe shared a lot of his immense stories with me and asked me, do you need to talk to your mom about anything, make amends for anything? I didn't think so, but by the time I got done with him, there were things I had to sit and talk to my mom about, still not knowing what this experience was going to be all about. And we drive down to South Brooklyn, and Joe grabbed my hands, and we made some prayer and got silent. And I got out of the car, and I'm walking around, and I stand exactly where I stood when I was three years old. And I remember this so clearly. And if you've had experiences like this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Because the thing about this power of God, it's beyond this. It's beyond our meetings. It's behind the thinking mind. It's be on the conceptions and my limited knowledge, my limited experience. It's being on all of this. It's spirit. And it does for us what we can't do for ourselves. And my thinking mind will only limit God so much. And he's way beyond even this. He brings us together but he's beyond this and I didn't know it at the time. And I show up in South Brooklyn and I'm walking around and I stand in a spot and I could feel the energy where I stood when I was three. And there was no denying it. And I remember getting very emotional and moved by it. This kid was walking around with all of this for over 40 years. I remember kneeling down and trying to make peace with this little guy and telling him, you did nothing wrong. You did absolutely nothing wrong, it's okay. And I got up and I walked to the wall and I put my hand on a wall where I could lay odds from here to Vegas where her hand was, punching it. and her hand was all bloody from it. I remember making prayer to my mom and having to talk to her about some things, how truly sorry I was for some of the things that happened, how I wish I could have stopped her pain and I couldn't. I was a little guy and I could do anything. And I was able to tell her how much I love her and miss her. And I walked around, and I remember trying to get back into the car, but something stopped me. And this is where God really showed up. I opened up my car door. Joe was sitting in the car and I couldn't get into the car. There was something stopping me. And I said, Joe, I can't leave. I said I cannot leave this kid here. I need to leave all the issues, all the abandonment issues, all of those things here, all of the negative voices that have been killing me. I need you to leave that here. But I can not leave the spirit of this little guy here. That did not come from me. that came to me. Because I can never think of that on my best day. And Joe got out of the car and said, we need to do something with that. Let's pray. And he walked around and he saw a store across the street called Hope and Anchor. And He says, how apropos for this? He looked on a wall and there was a wall painted, someone painted flowers on it, on this little wall. He says interesting flowers growth. And his walking around and I'm down on my knee praying and giving God thanks and talking to this little guy, letting him know it's going to be okay. And I got tears rolling down my eyes. We're in a really sordid spot in Brooklyn, and people are looking out their windows going, who are these two lunatics? Joe's walking around, and he said, you need to look over here. When this episode happened, my brother John was a newborn. My brother Anthony didn't show up yet, but my brother john was a newborn. He caught some of this stuff that happened to my mom. and he says, you need to look here and I said, please just take a look at what's in the concrete and as I looked over just a little bit off to my right what was written in the Concrete was to Peter and Johnny with love and three little X's underneath it and I'll always share that anyone in the neighborhood could have wrote that but I'll also share this also based on your experiences that you have shared with me and my experience that God has given me I know where that came from The glory of God. He knows me, Pete Marinelli. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. When God shows up, God shows us. God shows and you know it. It's profound. It's transforming. It's life-giving. It's rebirth and we know it and at that moment I stood free of my past in the sunshine of the spirit and the sunlight of the Spirit and I felt at one with this power. Enlightenment, very simply, oneness with God and I had it there and God delivered that to me out of a meditation, out of prayer and meditation, Out of worshipping this power, I'll do anything you want me to. You guide me. You take me. And he took me here and they made peace with my past. What a great deal. I know my mom's cared for. I know her love by my higher power. And I can move on from that. I miss her many times. But it's not like it was anymore. And I want to go to a meeting and just tell a new person, Just don't drink today. We shortchange the glory of God and the power in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. My book says that great events will come to pass for me and countless others when I see to it that my relationship with Him is right. This, my life that's been giving me this event this weekend, is a great event. Our lives are great events today because of what God has done for us. I'm so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous it's my life my family, we walk together not apart we have our bumps in the road we have out dramas and we pull together my kid brothers seek counsel from me my dad talks to me We're family today with all our ups and downs that all families go through. I no longer cop to or have a dysfunctional family. I love my family. I adore my family, I love and adore Alcoholics Anonymous. This is my life. Just to close up, sometimes in this deal we experience some difficult times where the external world starts to collapse on you and a couple of years ago my external world fell apart and I had one place to go back to and that was turn back to the power of God because it's the only thing that was going to move me through the most difficult external conditions I've ever experienced in sobriety. And little by slowly, I found out again, it's like footprints. Every time I thought God left me, he was doing the carrying and brought me to the other side. I'm able to travel with friends sometimes. I'm unable to travel at my better half all the time. And I'd just like to, Linda, to stand up and say hi to this wonderful group. You've got a hat. There's been many days God works through people when it's on me and heart, courage, strength, and direction put one foot in front of the other for me and we walk this path. I hope, I hope to always stay teachable and I hope that God will help me and I also hope to give this away with the same love and gratitude that you guys have given it to me each and every day. I thank you all for my life, and I thank you for my sobriety. Peace Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message Until next time, have a great day