The Identification That Happens When One Alcoholic Tells Another About Himself – Otto M.

Hi, everybody. My name's Otto. I'm an alcoholic. Nice to be in Northern California. This is my first visit. Nobody to sign for? Well, you might need somebody to interpret this text. I don't know why it is, but when I get up here and get to talking, it just gets worse as I go. About an hour from now, y'all are going to be going, what the hell is he saying? So anyway, oh, I'm pumped to be here. What a wonderful facility. I was just out there on the veranda or whatever you want to call it. And it's cool and the air is clean and it's nice. And it just, this is a little nicer than it is in Dallas right now. So thank you for having me out. It's a pleasure to get to come to the nice, cool Northern California. I am an alcoholic and I haven't figured out this seating arrangement yet. I'm trying to, you know, I supposed to figure it all out. I was going to call my sponsor and ask, what the hell are they doing, Johnny? He's used to that call. He's heard it a lot. I'm just going to go ahead on and hopefully put a microphone on. There's some things I want to show you tonight and the folks in the back will be able to see. Getting started is always the hardest part. I was born in Oklahoma. And my wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Lynn. I don't know where this is coming from. John didn't give me any material when he picked me up at the airport today. See, usually I get some material from the locals to give me something to talk about them. Don's just real quiet and prompt and courteous. It's kind of hard to believe he's an alcoholic, isn't it? He is a little queer, though. He's a bottom-steerer. You ever been with a bottom steerer before? I've been with some bottom feeders. When he turns corners, he turns underhanded on the bottom of the steering wheel. I don't know, but that's pretty scary when you're in the fast lane and he's got to get down to ten to make it happen, you know? It's up here, John. Come on, baby. There's more than one way to get to Denny's, I guess. You know, I used to think if you didn't do it my way, you were doing it wrong, but now I know you're just different. The way I see things and the way things are oftentimes bear little resemblance to one another. You know? I live in a world according to Otto and for a lot of my life that's been a fantasy world. I suffer from delusion like it says in our book. where the things I see oftentimes aren't real, but I respond to them as if they are. And I never saw myself as an alcoholic. I was that far out of sync with reality. I had a lot of problems, but I never associated any of them with my drinking. I, like you, never even considered the idea of stopping drinking. I was just a person with a lotof problems. And so that perspective kept me in trouble for a long time. I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous until I was 37 years old. And I'd never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous before I got here. I mean, I didn't even know what you were. I didn' t know what an alcoholic was. I thought an alcoholic was something kind of like a W.C. Fields or something, or a real low-bottom down in the city's gutters drinking wine out of a paper sack, sleeping in a box. That might be an alcoholic. It certainly wasn't anybody as sharp as me. I'm way too cool to be an alcoholic. So I never even considered the idea of quitting, never tried to quit. I know that there are a lot of people amongst us who have tried to quit and tried to quit and for you my heart goes out to you but I really can't empathize because I never tried to quit. I mean, why would I do that? That's silly. I love to drink and I'm pretty good at it. I like to drink I drink out of bottles These caps are novel, aren't they? I never had much use for a cap. Just open that baby up, and let's get after it. But even in sobriety, the way I see things and the way things are, oft times are way off out of harmony with each other. I was a year sober, and I went to my 20th high school reunion. and I went to a big high school in Oklahoma City and I was kind of a stud in high school. I was class president, top team, voted the friendliest boy in my school. I headed up the paper drives and emceed the pep rallies. I played all the sports. I was a stud. And, you know, I got out of high school and it was down Hill from there. And anyway, I went to my 20-year high school reunion and I was excited about going. And I'm a year sober and I don't know about you. How many people got here with a year or less of sobriety? Let's see your hands. Don't want to embarrass anybody. Welcome. Oh, glad you're here. Wonderful. I hope you find what I have found here. And for some of you, I know that what you've been doing the last few months is a lot harder than what I've been doing that, but it gets easier. Anyway, I was about a year sober and I went to my 20th high school reunion and of course I was real active in putting it on because those were the good years and I was going to go back to my heyday and so I was the emcee of the entertainment and real active and putting things together and we had a balloting. One thing we had was a ballouting where people could vote for who changed the most, who changed least, you know, all these different cute things. I'm up handing out albums from the 60s and there's a lot of people in attendance. There's about 500 people at this reunion And we had one ballot, and that was for the classmate that everyone enjoyed seeing the most. And we were the Northwest Knights, and so it was the Oh, What a Night Award. Isn't that clever? I thought of that. The Oh, what a night award for the classmate everyone enjoyed seen the most So I'm up handing out these albums and opening up the envelope And the class mate everybody enjoyed seeing the most is me You're sober. I don't know about you guys, but I'm just gushing with feelings. I hadn't felt anything. I had been an amoeba for 20 years. I hadn'T felt a feeling. I knew two feelings my whole life. Happy and pissed. That's it. That was the full range of my emotions. And here I am standing in front of all these people who have always wanted to like me and they have picked me as the classmate they've enjoyed seeing the most. I'm trying to tell them thank you. And I'm slinging snot bubbles. I've got blowing snot bubble out of my nose and I'm crying. Oh, how's it going? I had to be helped in my seat. I mean, I was just so touched. I had a wonderful evening that evening. It was so great. God is good. I mean it don't take long for God to start making your life better once you stop drinking. And when the dance and everything was over, we were cleaning up the mess and we were taking things up to the hospitality suite. And I was getting stuff off the registration table. Well, on the registration tab was the ballot box. And on the ballot boss was the tally sheet. And on that tally she was the truth. You see, out of all these 500 people in attendance at this reunion, only 25 of them even bothered to cast a ballot. The other 475 didn't give a damn what the committee had done. I'm sorry. They just don't care. And of the 25 ballots cast, 23 of my classmates got one vote each, and I got two. So the person counting the ballots, you know, they wrote my name down as a winner, stuck it in that envelope, and sent it up. And when I opened that envelope what I perceived was that they had all chosen me as the classmate they enjoyed seeing the most. Now that's not true. But those snot bubbles were real. And those tears and those feelings were real, and that was a wonderful lesson for me because you see, that's the way I've been my whole life. I have responded and acted as if what I see, feel, think, and believe is real, and I have been in chaos my entire life trying to figure out why I can't wrestle some happiness, some peace of mind out of the way I see, feel and think about things. You know, I just couldn't get to the right place at the right time with the right stuff and the right comment and the right gal and enough money and the right job to make it work. I'm a good guy. I'm pretty intelligent. You know? And I brought my best dog and pony show to the game and I couldn't make it work. So, I don't know about you, but I grew up in a home where they didn't teach us how to cope real well. So early on, I found alcohol. Or I didn't find it. Hell, it's everywhere. I love it when people say, I was introduced to alcohol. Anybody? Hi, I'm Bud Weiser. I had a drink, okay? And I liked what it did to me. I grew up in a home where alcohol was prominent. A lot of drinking. We drank for everything. They drank for weddings We drank for funerals To get cold when it was hot We drank to get hot when it Was cold We just drank And it wasn't uncommon For my family to float a keg Out in the backyard You know, just for the Family to get together I come from a large family A little house, big family And a lot of chaos In that family My father used to work Two or three jobs To try and make ends meet And if I wanted to see my dad I'd go to the tavern To see him Because that's where he'd be And I spent a lot of time growing up in taverns. And I liked them. I liked the tavern. I liked their music and the shuffleboard and horse collar and shooting pool and dancing and the dominoes and playing the boogies and parlays. I even enjoyed some of the fighting that went on in there. Fighting was a part of growing up for me. There was a lot OF violence in the home I grew up in, a lot Of chaos. So I never saw anything queer about drunken or alcoholic behavior. You see, I grew up thinking that that was normal. My father's a police officer. I mean, hell, he was my first higher power. You know, I mean he had some power now, let me tell you. If he raised his hand and said, whoa, the whole world stopped. And if you decided you didn't want to stop when he said, whoa, he could get on a radio and get a whole bunch of guys. Yeah, he can make things happen. And my father taught me stuff like you can do anything you put your mind to. Where there's a will, there's away. If anyone can, you can. And exceptions are made for exceptional people. Practice makes perfect. Big boys don't cry. They might give you something to cry about, boy. That belt, come on. Don't feel bad. Don't be afraid. Don't Be Afraid. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. What's wrong with my body? What's going on with me now? I know that I had a lot of problems before I ever drank just because of growing up in that environment and learning a bunch of ineffective social or living skills. I don't know what you want to call them. All I knew is they weren't working for me because I was afraid, and I was frightened, and I did want to cry, and I didn't know how to do it. It just seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it right. There was no perfection. Where there was a will, there was more often a conflict for me than there was away. It just wasn't working. Man, but when I took a drink, it got better. Better yet. You know, and every time I finish a drink, I think, you know, it's going to be better with the next one. And so I drank heavily. And I drank a lot. And I drink often. I drank all the time. And I got drunk a lot, but I never saw myself as an alcoholic. Now remember, I'm responding to my life as though what I see is real. And if I don't see myself as alcoholic, then I ain't one. Now I do see myself as a victim And I see myself As a person who's never caught a break And who's had a little bad luck For whom life has not been fair I'm a great blamer I'm an alcoholic I'm good blamer I hated to be accused of something I was doing That used to drive me crazy And no matter what was going on Because I was trying so hard To wrestle some goodness out of my life The fact that it wasn't working and it had to be your fault. And so I'm married and divorced, and married and divorce, divorced two perfectly good wives because, you know, it wasn't working. And so it must be their fault. I've changed everything in my life trying to find some way to find happiness in my wife. I changed wives. I changed jobs. I changed hangouts. I changed hobbies. I changed the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, the clubs and bars I went to. I changed everything I knew how to change. The only thing I didn't change was my drinking and my drugging. Well, it might have changed really got worse, more prevalent. I'm a puking drunk. I drink until I'm going to kill myself with alcohol poisoning. And so nature or whatever you want to call it just saves my life nightly and helps me throw up. I'm the spinning bed drunk. Oh, spinning beds. You've got to throw that leg off the side. You know, hopefully you're getting some kind of an anchor down there so that the walls will stop going around. But I never thought I had a problem drinking, you know. It was never the drinking. I could always blame it on something else. You know it was I'm too tired or I'm to stressed or I didn't eat enough or I ate too much or it was bad dope. There's always something, but it was never me. I know towards the end of my drinking this is a good denial story delusion story you know denial is to me it doesn't say denial in our book denial to me is kind of like lying you know I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Luencia that's a denial okay Otto you've got a drinking problem no I don't that's delusion because see when I said no I don't that was my truth I was telling the truth I wasn't lying, I wasn' t making it up I didn' t know I had a problem I wasn''t being dishonest you just don' t understand that wasmy pat answer my whole adult life you don' d understand if you had my problems if you hade my situation if you hade my circumstance you'd drink and drug the way I do what I have is a little sleep disorder I have difficulty sleeping if I could just get a little asleep Then I wouldn't have to drink and drug the way I do. You know, I need to get to sleep so I can get up and go to work tomorrow. Didn't go today. And then a couple days, as a matter of fact. Because I drank until 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and I couldn't come to and get up and go do that job at 7. My boss changed my hours to noon. He did. Otto, can you just give us half a day? Because I'm pretty good at what I do I thought noon was asking a lot, really. Anyway, never saw drinking as a problem. And really, I kind of thought everybody drank the way I did. I was shocked when I quit drinking and hung out with some of my old buddies and they would drink a beer. I mean, it just shocked me. They'd walk off and leave half a beer? What the hell are you doing? And it upset me early on. You know, you can drink and you don't. I didn't get it. Anyway, just to tell you about how deluded I was, I can always find a reason for being drunk. I'm a car racing fan. I grew up across the street in a little house across the streets from the dirt track, from the car race track in Oklahoma City. And I love dirt car racing. As a matter of fact, Anderson Speedway is not far from here, is it? Are they running tonight? What time do they finish? I'm done. Bye. I love the car races, man. I'll do anything to go to car races. Well, I'm in Florida for speed weeks. I'm down there doing the Daytona 500 and Twin 125s and the Goody's 300 and going around all the little dirt tracks around town or around mid-central Florida. I met some buddies there. Not some buddies. I made some friends. I don't know about you. I make friends easy. You know, if you've got a big cooler or drugs, you are my friend. And I met two good old boys that had a big cooler and we became buddies and we were going to the races all over Florida. And we'd been to the Florida State Fair in Tampa and they were running cars on a mile dirt there and we watched them go in circles and drank cold beer and ate those little pills. I like to eat pills. A little Valium. A little Vanix. A little Demerol. They're prescribed. Most of them. I like to wear those 501 blue jeans with the little pocket right here. That's my pill pocket. Nobody would know what I was doing, dipping in there all day. What do you got? Oh, tic-tac. Can I have one? Nope. I don't know if any of y'all ever had a problem with prescription drugs. I didn't think I had a problema. I just thought I needed a lot of them because I was pretty uncomfortable when I didn't have them. You know you've got a problem with prescription pills if you count your pills, okay? So if any of you are wondering, I used to love to go into people's houses and ask them for a toothpick so I could rifle their cabinets and find those old pill bottles in there. That old bottle of Demerol that was three years old and they'd left 27 out of a scribe for 30. Who are these people? Who are these people, but God bless them. They'd never miss that stuff. A guy asked me one time, he said, God, Otto, how many pills did you take? I said, all I had. Anyway, I'm at the races in Florida and we're eating pills and drinking beer and we watch cars go in a circle and we left there and we went around to fairgrounds and fairs going on and we threw balls at Cupid dolls and scoped out the girls and ate corny dogs and had fun. And then we left there and went to a nightclub. Now, I'm in my environment. You see, I really like the taverns and the clubs and I like to dance. I'm a dancing fool. I've been a dancer since way back. And I can dance. And when I get to dancing, I know you want me. I know you do. And I got on all my gold and diamonds and jewelry. And I'm in my environment. Boy, I've been drinking 12 or 14 hours this day. You know, we started early and it's like 2 in the morning. And whew! I got sick. You now? Not uncommon. Anybody ever do this? You know I don't think a normal moderate temperate drinker ever does this, but I used to do it all the time. Sweat. It's cold and I'm sweating. Stumble out in the parking lot. I'm holding on to the car. in the parking lot so I don't fall down. That stuff just comes blowing out of my face. It's on my pants. It's all over me. It's everywhere. It's in my boots. Mr. Cool here is a mess. Ah! Oh! Oh! Got little pieces of corn dogs stuck up my nose. Go back in the club. Get me another drink. Got to get that taste out of my mouth. It's awful. Tell my buddies, I got sick. Yeah, it weren't pretty. I swear I'll never, ever, ever as long as I live, ever eat another State Fair corndog. That greasy damn thing made me sick. And that was my truth. That was my truth. Two and two is four, up, down, and that corn dog made me sick. So why would I quit drinking? I never had a clue. I never hade a clue You know, the fact that when the party was over and they wanted me to stay you know, this take your keys, take their keys I'm so glad they didn't start that campaign when I was drinking Somebody got killed trying to get my keys These people do not understand You know, it might be 2 or 2.30 in the morning and they say, Otto, we'd like you to stay the night. They don't understand. I have to go home. I haveと go home because, you see, I'm not finished drinking. And I'm going to go homе and drink some more because I drink until I can go to bed and my head hit that pillow without thinking. I'm an alcoholic, but I never knew it. It was incomprehensible to me. And it wasn't until another alcoholic came and told me about himself that I was able to find myself. You know, that's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous is through identification. For a long time, people have tried to help me. Otto, we think you drink too much. Otto, you take too many pills. And every time anybody would say, Otto, You, I tuned them out right there. See, because you don't know. You don't understand. You don' t understand. but in AA I came to there and you guys said Otto I this is what I used to do and this is What Happened To Me and this Is What It Felt Like and This Is What It Looked Like and I went I'll be damned it was the first time in my life I ever met people that I could not look you right square in the eye and say you don't understand because you guys were telling me about me and I hadn't told you a damn thing you guys knew me more better than I knew myself out. You guys had words to describe the feelings I was having that I couldn't associate or put a word on. It was the damnedest thing I ever saw. You know, you guys were amazing. And the best part was, you know, what I thought an alcoholic would look like at all. And really, I was a desperate person. You Know, I'm like my parents married, divorced, married, divorce, married and divorced each other three times before I got out of high school. They couldn't live with each other, couldn't live without each other. And I'm married and divorced and married and divorce. My brother's married and divorced and married and divorced and married and divorced. My sister's married and divorced and married and divorced and married and divorced. My brother hanged himself in prison. My little brother, he's in prison right now as I stand here speaking. He's in there for the third time. And I just never could understand what's wrong with the family. And you guys told me about yourself and I went, damn, that's what's wrong. That's what'S wrong with my family. That's what'S wrong with me. I'm like you. And that's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why one alcoholic can do for another alcoholic what all these doctors and physicians can't. See, we can tell about ourselves and the alcoholic can find themselves in us. I love AlcoholicsAnonymous. That's Why I Love to Come and Do What I'm Doing Tonight. If your story is not like mine, keep coming back. Somebody will get up here pretty soon and tell your story. We're not that different. Anyway, I was pumped. I was excited. It's kind of like somebody has been telling a joke. Have you ever been part of where they tell a joke and you don't get it? you know, and everybody's laughing and you're just kind of... You know, you don't want them to know you don' t get it. You know? And then if you get it... Damn! That's funny. Well, that's kind of the way it was for me with alcoholism. You know. People have been trying to tell me this for a long time and I was just kindof... And all of a sudden... Damn! I get it! Damn! I'll be... Damn! Gary, I'm an alcoholic. I'll get some of it. Who'd have thought it? A fine guy like me. You know what? I'll bet my dad's an alcoholic. I think my mother's alcoholic. I think that's why my brother's dead. You know, he got to that stepping off point. Man! Woo! Good news! I'm an alcoholic! Becoming an alcoholic was good news because by being an alcoholic, it gave me hope. Now I've got something to treat. You know, I've been willing to do whatever it took to try and find some happiness in my life. I've bee willing to die and fight and cheat and lie and steal and it didn't work. And now you guys are giving me something tangible and I can see in you that it's working. And I was excited. I was exciting to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I really was. You are the coolest people. I mean, you guys had your shit together. You know? I just loved it. I get to go to big houses and go to meetings. You know, in the rich part of town, I ain't got nothing. You know? I ain'T got any furniture in the little house I live in. I'm living with nothing. I don't have a dog. I don' t have a cat. You know?, I don''t see my kids. You know?. I mean, I'm alienated, isolated, estranged, living in paranoia. I mean., living in fear. I couldn't bottom out because I got a little pension from the VA. You know.? So, it's... You guys would bring me into your homes and take me to lunch. And we'd go to the movies. And we'D go bowling and play golf. and I didn't have to do anything to earn it. You guys just loved me when I couldn't love myself. You loved me until I could love myself and I just loved being with you. The nights were kind of long in the beginning. I've heard 30 days and 1,000 nights. That was the truth for me. I loved being at the club and I hated going home because, boy, the nights were a long time at home because, see, I don't sleep good. Like I said, I have this little sleep disorder and I get kind of goofy at night. Night is not a good time for me But I'm willing I really, you know I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist So those character defects served me well in this regard Because I was vowed determined to get sober And I said, okay, what's the plan? What's the plans? He said, well, you go to meetings Do that Get you a sponsor Get you your mentor You know, somebody that can kind of be a guide for you I said, ah, I can probably do that. Okay. He said, we want you to read our book. Well, I was functionally illiterate when I got here. I'm a college graduate, but I promise you I could not read. My eyes would start moving across the page. My mind would be, you know, thinking baseball or bills or women or, you know, and I can't retain anything. So, okay, I'll try. And he said, We want you work these 12 steps. You know, we've got these 12 steps as a program of recovery. And if you'll adapt these 12 Steps as a Program of Recovery as a way of life, then you can not only be sober, but like it. See, that's the key. My problem was when I quit drinking, my life was like fingernails on a chalkboard. You know? No drink. No Valium. No Xanax. How are you doing, Otto? Are you having a nice day? Sure. Yeah? Then I'd get around to my mom or my dad or my sister or my kids, you know, and every time it was just... You see, they're still living in that crap. It was amazing to me. It just shocked me when I had this brilliant discovery. I'm an alcoholic. My mom and dad were not excited. They had no desire to follow me into this program of recovery. I just couldn't understand why they weren't so excited. I mean, we got it. Dad, Mom, I got it over here. I got to figure it out. Come on. No, really. Come on! Well, screw you too. Okay. Anyway, we adopt these 12 steps as a program we're living. It's cool. I can do that. Use a little guidance. Oh, I like to drink. So I was looking at these steps. One, we admitted we're powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. Damn, that was good news. That was good new. I had always thought that I was just a screw-up. I had no idea that our best plans don't work. And that our thinking sucks. That's what it means when our lives are unmanangeable. Sometimes our best plan just doesn't work Every life is unmanegeable. Every life is unmanageable. Not just the alcoholics. I promise you, the little antelope that can't outrun the lion, his life is un manageable. Okay? And the hungry lion that can' t catch that damn fast little anteloope, his wife's unmanagable. You know, his best plans ain't working. You know my best plans don't think... I had sent my brother, I had asked the judge to incarcerate my brother because he was battering my mother just as my father had. They had served a warrant on him for using stolen credit cards and they put him in prison and he hanged himself there. And I felt horrible about that. You know, and my best plans just don't work. It don't matter how hard I try or what I'm trying to accomplish, it just seems like they don't work. Alcohol worked. So the first step was good news for me. Second step, crazy. Yep. That's all I saw. Can't believe I regretted myself to restore sanity. My nickname was crazy Otto. I like being crazy. Crazy people don't have to quit drinking. You must rather be crazy than alcoholic. And you know, people don' t mess with you when you're crazy. You know, there's a little reputation that goes along with being crazy, you know? Don' t mess with him. He's a Vietnam fan. He's crazy. He's crazy. Blew right through two. Got that. Okay. Third step. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God. God, I looked down those steps and it's God, God, God, god, god damn. It's a guy deal. And I was pissed. Oh man, I couldn't believe it. It's the God deal. See there is a big problem here. I don't believe in God. There is a God. Where the hell has he been? You know, if there's a God, the son of a... must be a terrorist. You know? Where was God when Dad was beating the shit out of my mom and me and my brothers and sister? Where was He? Where was Gott when my brother was hanging himself in that prison cell? Where was he? And where was Gott wenn Hitler was killing all those Jews? Where was HE? Where the hell is Gott? I mean, I'd gone to church as a kid. And I loved the first Christian church. It was a rich people's church. and we came from nothing and I liked going and sitting in those fancy velvet chairs and big pipe organ and they had one of the first escalators in Oklahoma City. Ooh, dating myself. I thought it was so cool to go to church and one Sunday we went there and Reverend Bill Alexander who was a great preacher wasn't there. He'd been killed the night before in a plane crash. And I thought, my God. You know, this is God's right hand man. This is God'S instrument and he died in a airplane crash. Where the hell is God? I mean, the bad part was I couldn't go home and talk to my parents about it. You know, in my house, we don't talk. You don't ask questions in my House because Dad ain't got any answers. You know? And my dad hadn't had a feeling in a long time either. So we just don't Talk about it And I was furious You know I went to treatment at St. Anthony's Hospital A Catholic hospital I should have known better You know you go to a churchy hospital You're going to get a church solution I should of went to the VA Or I should've went to Schick I shoulda went somewhere where they could help me You know, because this guy deal is not going to work. And some people were doing 12-step work at this hospital I was in. I remember one of them, his name's Mike. I'll never forget him because he gave me such a gift. And he came up and he goes, Whoa, I hear you're having a little trouble with that third step. And I said, You got them right. And he said, Well, what's the deal? And so he was very patient. He sat there and he listened to me for all the reasons why there couldn't be a God. And I told him about the time I was an infantryman in Vietnam in 1968. I was a combat infantryman serving in Vietnam, and I'd been over there up in the highlands. We'd gone in on a hot LZ, and they were just killing us. We were just dying. And helicopters are down on the LZ and it's burning and it' s blocked and there's just a few of us alive on the ground. They've got us surrounded, and the CO radio is down. Says they're going to drop some firefight equipment to us and some C4 that we can blow down some trees, try to make some room, get some help into us. And I'm watching his helicopter as it comes hovering over the Lz. Another rocket come out of the tree and hit that helicopter and blew it up right as I'm looking at it. And this one guy was standing on the slick of the door there and as the rocket hit, it blew him out of the doorway and he just fell from way up high to the ceiling and he fell into the trees in the jungle. And the helicopter wobbled and fell into fire with the rest of them. We had a kid named Henderson jump up and we ran into that jungle and found that kid and he was a mess. He was an absolute mess. Both his legs were blown off by that rocket and his face was destroyed and pieces of his arms were gone. He was still alive, but he was a mess. We drug him back up to the perimeter and we used our boot laces to put tourniquets on his legs and we put pressure all over him trying to stop the bleeding and demuffle his cries. We didn't want him to draw fire. The medic finally got to him and I left that kid. I never knew who he was. I figured he probably died. He was hurt so bad. At night when I lay down, I see this guy. I have images of my father beating my mother when I lay down to go to sleep. And I have image of the horrors of Vietnam when I laid down to sleep, saying, you don't understand. And if there's a God, where was he when this guy got blown to pieces? Where was he with all my buddies in Vietnam were getting toasted, you know? The next day, I'm coming back from that LZ and we're putting people in body bags. I mean, they were guys that burned in that jet fuel and that helicopter fuel. They burned down to just nothing. They were just little charcoal briquettes. You know, used to be a man. and we're putting them in the bags and I'm walking back down to my squad and I walked up on an enemy position. Short burst machine gun fire rang out and just cut me in two. I took a round through the hip, went right through the joint, took another round throughthe ankle, went right though that joint. Spun me around and I lay on the ground. My first thought was, I've been shot. I'm an alcoholic. I am not stupid. I've been shot. It takes a while, you know, when it just happens. It takes awhile to comprehend what has just happened to you. Second thought, God help me. This is exactly what went through my head as I lay there alone in the jungle, bleeding to death. Third thought, there is no God. Conscious decision, there's no God, there isn't. There is no god. September 22nd, 1968, I made a conscious decision. There is not god. I gave up. That was the last straw. Last straw. I ain't looking no more. And from 1968 on, I became self-reliant. I no longer looked for God. I scoffed at people who had God. I tore up Christian bookstores. I was angry and totally self-reliant. And so you guys give me the God deal. Boy, oh boy. You know, my little brother had been so sick growing up in that chaotic home I grew up in, he had colonitis, which is ulcers of the intestines. and they had to remove most of his intestines and they'd remove his rectum and he had to crap out a little bag on the side called a colostomy when he was 10. And we'd go to visit him in the hospital where he wasn't expected to live children's convalescent hospital and we'd see all these thalidomide babies and cancer babies and burn babies and all these sick kids, you know. And we go home and we go to church and we sing Jesus loves the little children and I think He needs to get His ass out to this hospital then if He loves the Little Children and I didn't get it I didn't have anybody I could talk to about it. I mean, I never counseled with anybody or nothing. I was totally self-aligned, trying to figure it out on myself. September 22nd, 1968, I quit wondering. I just quit wondering, it was no longer an issue for me and I promise you I had not given God a second thought since until I got to AA and looked at these 12 steps and it made me mad because here's a solution that I don't believe in. Mike was cool. You know, he said, Otto, he says, you don't have to believe in that God you gave up on in Vietnam. He says, You quit too soon. He says the third step says God is we understanding. And he asked me this question. He said, What would God have to be for you to take a chance and try and turn your will and your life over to his care? Now, it had never been presented to me that way. You know what would God has to be? For me to take chance and trying. Turn my will and my life over to His care, not control. See, I always thought that I was supposed to figure out what God wanted me to be. And if I could do as God would have me do, then I would earn His grace. And He would treat me lovingly, much like my father. I thought God was like my earthly father. You know, God could and would if I were good. And I wasn't very good. And so I had been punished my whole life by my father and others. But he said no. He says, that's the God you gave up on in Vietnam. What would God have to be? God is you understanding. What would he have to do for you to take a chance and try? And I thought this was absolutely ridiculous. But I was desperate. And AA gave me a way to get out of the corner I had painted myself into. Because see, I'm a man of my word. And I don't believe in God. I've been saying it for a long time. I can't change my mind. So I sat and I wrote And what I came up with was real simple I said, you know, if God was all-powerful If he could do anything And with all his power All he wanted was for me to be sober And like it Then I'd be willing to try And turn my will of my life over to his care Not control And Mike came back up to the hospital And I shared that with him And I fully expected him to say Oh no, no, you misunderstood No Disneyland gods Come on. Pick a team. What are you going to be? Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian. Come on, pick a team! What are we going to do? We're killing each other all over the world. Don't pick a loser. Come on! What are they going to say? That is not what he said. He said, okay, that's your God. A God that's all-powerful and all he wants with all his omnipotence is for you to be sober and like it. You pray to that God. Now, I did not believe for a minute that it would work. Not one minute. But, you know, I've done a lot of good things for the wrong reason and got good results. You know, I went to college and got a degree because my dad wanted me to. Not because I wanted to. But the result was, you know. I got a Degree. You know. So if you do the right thing, you get good stuff whether you want to or not. Motives are not that important. Motive just determines whether or not you get to enjoy it while you're doing it. You know? So anyway, I thought, okay. I'm going to do this deal. I'm gonna do all the things you suggested but I'm going to keep a record. This is the truth. This is my motive. When I get drunk, I'm suing AA. I'm going to own this place. Okay? Because I don't think it's going to work. And if I get drunk and loaded, at least I'm gonna be rich. Okay? I'll be a rich drunk. Alright? And I mean it. And I kept a diary. And i documented my meetings and my calls to my sponsor. I don't read good, so I had the guys in the group and the guys that I was in treatment with come to my house and we'd read aloud out of the book every day. Every day. Because, see, I wanted to prove that I needed to document what you've suggested. Otherwise, I might not be able to win my suit, okay? And I'm going to be rich drunk. And, you know, the only part that was hard was the prayer part. The prayer part, you now, how do you document your prayer? I wasn't about to let anybody see me pray. God damn, not a chance, you kno. How do you do that? I don't know, man. I had a real problem with prayer. I remember the first time I was going to try. You know, I'm just going to pray. I'm going to go try to pray? I don' t know how to pray! I don''t know how pray! And I was in a room with two other guys at the hospital and I waited until everybody was in bed and asleep and it was late at night and I'm thinking, OK, now I'mjust going topray. I'mjust going topray. Nobody knows. Nobody will see. And I had this horrible dilemma. I mean, I just didn't... I don ''t knowhow to do it. You know? I mean... I used to masturbate. Okay, I won't tell that story. Did you do that? I used to abuse myself on a regular basis. Anything to change the way I was feeling, you know. And my dilemma was, should I pray and masturbate or masturbate and pray? I mean, I don't want to do it wrong. I mean, I really would like for it to work. I'm scared to death. You know, I'm afraid that if I masturbate first, then he's going to be pissed, you know? And he's not going to answer my prayer. But if I pray first, he might not let me masturbate, you Know? What did you do, Gary? Well, I didn't take any chances, so I was quite relaxed the first time I tried to pray. And my prayer went something like this. I remember it well. God help me. I wonder what Pat's doing. I'll bet there's a pickup truck in her driveway right now. I'll bet there's some damn cowboy in there with her right now. That bitch, I swear, that's my first prayer. God help me, I wonder what Pat's doing. And I share this story. We all get a good laugh about it and I hope you don't find it vulgar. But the fact of the matter is, I'm just up here telling you the truth. And the truth is that God doesn't make too hard of terms for those that seek Him. And the proof is you can't do it wrong. All I had to do was ask for help because all I said was, God, help me. And I'm in it. And my mind went where a sick mind goes. But God answered that plea for help. You know, and I went to those meetings and I did the things that were suggested and I've been clean and sober for 16 years. And I like it. And I've liked it for a long time. And if you're new or nearly new, it doesn't take 16 years for it to get better. My life's been getting better for a Long Time. It's gotten so damn good I can't hardly stand it. It's amazing, you know. These 12 steps are not designed to get us sober. The 12 steps were designed to help us have a spiritual awakening. To enter into a new relationship with the God of our understanding. A new relationship that's meaningful and powerful and it can change our lives. That's what's happened to me. If you want to get sober, don't drink. I have yet to get drunk on a day I didn't drink, you now. Now, if you don't want to get loaded, don't use. If you want to like it, try the 12 steps because the 12 Steps are intended for us to have a spiritual awakening as the result, not a result one of many. It's the desired result. It's what happens when we work the 12 step. What happens is I was asked to trust God, clean house and help others and when I did that, the results far outweighed anything I could imagine. I did a fourth step and I learned things about myself I did not know at age 38. I didn't know. I just honestly, I had never looked inside myself. You know my sponsor said get a pencil and write down the resentments at the top. I said well I'm not really mad at anybody. He says well I tell you what why don't you just write down everybody that ever shit on you. I said I can do that. Okay. I can doing that. I can't do that? And I got 100. No actually I got 99. I was trying for 100 but I couldn't get them. I got 90. Took it back to him. I was quite proud that it would have victimized me my whole life. Look how I've been abused, misused, how unfair life's been to me. He says, okay, now in the second, you've got who it is and what they did. Now in the third column, I want you to put down why that made you mad at the time. I said, well, look what they Did. He says no, that's what they DID. Why'd it make you mad? She left me for another man. that's why I'm mad? No. That's what she did. Why are you mad? I don't know. See, I had always thought, and again, what I think C-Feeling is real, I had almost always thought that feelings were a given. They're a given, you know. And they're real and they're a given. They're appropriate and they'RE a given, you know? They're not something associated at all with my perspective. Whether or not I'm getting what I want or losing something I've got or I'm feeling threatened. He says, what if you'd wanted her to leave? You'd been trying to get rid of the bitch and she left. How would you feel? Well, I'd have been happy. He says oh well same scenario she leaves you for another man. One year angry, one year happy. So why were you angry? I didn't want her to go. Oh, good. We're making some progress. You know, and the neat deal was is I could take that and I could apply it to every one of those resentments I had. Every time, you know, somebody wasn't doing what I wanted or I was going to lose something I got or I'm threatened somehow physically, emotionally, socially, financially, maritally, somehow. Things just weren't going my way and when they're not going my away I get angry. Then he said, okay, I want you to write down your part in all these things. What was it you were doing that contributed to this? And I promise you That was unheard of. I am a good person, you know. I mean, I had to dig for this one. I mean I really had to ask some help. You know, the fact that I'm staying out late and cheating and getting drunk and not going to work, I don't know what that's got to do with it, you now. And what I found out was in all these scenarios in my life, you know, I'm filled with intolerance and impatience. I'm dishonest. I'm angry. I'm prideful. I'm lustful. I'm envious. I'm greedy. I have unrealistic expectations of others. God, that was a horrible cause of my anger. You know, I expected sick people to not act sick. You know? I expected bad dogs not to bite. You know. A bad dog would bite me and I'd be angry. I'd kick the shit out of that dog. You know unrealistic expectations. My problems are of my own making. Selfish self-centered. That's the root of my problem. You know, if the lines at the grocery store have to get shorter for me to be happy, I'm screwed. But if I can become more tolerant, less demanding, more patient, then I can go to the grocery story and move amongst my fellows with peace and ease. If my mom and dad have to change for me not to get happy, I'm screw. If people have to changed, if they have to changes, it has to change. After I was wounded, I was hospitalized for almost two years. When I turned 21, I'd been in the hospital four months. When I turn 22, I was still laying there. You don't understand. I have a lot of pain. I had an open draining wound in my ass for seven years. I wear big bandages over here so that the pus don't get on my clothes. You ever heard the expression I'm going to blow your ass off? Happens in the best of families. I carry my billfold over here so it looks like I've got something going on. Unfortunately, it's not very bad. So, the good news is the only thing that has to change is me. The only thing that's required for my life to get better the only things that have to change past or present is me What a gift! You know, that's the gift Because see, now I'm empowered. Up until that point in time in my life, I was just a victim. I was screwed. Whichever way the wind blew, that's which way my little raft went. But when I did the fourth step, you guys gave me a sail and a rudder. I was able to stick that baby in there and now it don't matter which way the win blows, I go where I want. I can tack and move and I can sail into the wind. What's going on around me no longer dictates how I feel. I am a powerful man today I'm the captain of my own ship and it's wonderful it's a gift from working these steps he says okay now write down everything that frightened you I ain't scared of shit I'll whip your ass I don't know why I'm being so profane would you smack me next time I use a profanity okay I don' t know why trying to get away from it shit anyway he says well just write down something now I grew up, don't be afraid hell I'm decorated for heroism in Vietnam I got Ron Star with V for Valor, you know I've never lost a fight he says will this write down something you know those pencils are magic God help me Spikers. Snakes. The dark. Being alone. Being in pain. Man, and it just started flowing out. I'm afraid of everything. I'm not afraid you're going to laugh when I'm trying to be funny. I'm scared you're not going to find a medium. I'm worried I'm going to get drunk. I'm afraid of everything. And I promise you, until that moment, I didn't know that. What a gift to know the truth. To start to finally get to be right-sized. You know, my whole life, I have been way too big or way too small. And everything that goes on around me has been way Too Important or Not Important enough. And doing a four-step, I started to begin to get right-sized. You know how I did a sexual inventory? I will not take you there. It's colorful. But, you know, I found a lot of forgiveness. Well, applause. Can you imagine that? It's pretty exciting for some of you, I'm sure. Anyway, I've had a lot of forgiveness for a lot of my deviant behavior. A lot of my deviated behavior, because it says salt and pepper. We don't tell you how it should be. But it was the first time I'd ever asked myself how it would be. It was the very first time I ever made any guidelines for myself. It wasthe first time I'dever asked myself, is this conduct okay for me? And I promise you, all my morals up to that point, all my sexual conduct was based upon pornography, dirty jokes, playboy magazines, locker room talk, bar room talk. That's where all my sexuality came from. And it wasn't until I did a four-step inventory that I sat down and was able to look at my own conduct and what I thought my future conduct should be. What was hurting me? What made me feel guilty? What made мне feel bad? What caused me shame? What kept me awake? What kept mich von being able to go home in no peace? And what can I do in the future? I make my own rules. What a gift. So I tell you, the fourth step changed my life and so did the fifth. I went and spit it out and it was like a compulsion. I just puked all over that poor guy. But I wasn't going to keep nothing. You know, I was willing to do whatever was asked of me because I was beginning to know the joy of living. I was finding some happiness and some peace in AA. You know what happened was you guys loved me until I could love myself. And what I've come to know through working these steps was that it's not God could and would if I were good. It's God can and will if I'll let Him. You see, God loves me because He's God not because I'm good. You guys loved me when I got here not because i was lovable but because you're loving people. That's the only thing that has to change. A few years ago I buried my father. He never changed. He was an asshole when he died. But I had known the joy of loving my father for years. Pure joy. When my father died, I buried a loved one not a lovable one. I've been sober a few years and my first wife comes to me she says, oh you're doing so good you take the little bitch before I kill her. My daughter came to live with me. She was not happy about it. She's coming from the big house out north with the guest jeans and the Dooney Burke purses and the hot tubs and I'm living in the inner city with nothing. I remember they brought that big canopy bed in for her and it wouldn't fit in the little room. The bed's bigger in the room but she was not unhappy about being there. I said, Holly, I don't know how this is going to work out. I said, I just want you to know I love you. I love you because I'm your loving father. I'll love you because you're my daughter and for no other reason. I'm going to love you the way the people in AA love me. I'm gonna love you the way God loves us all. She was not impressed. And she said about to make my life a living hell. It was hard. I mean, sometimes I just wanted to reach over and just grab her face and just pull the lips off. I could not believe she could say those things. Where did she learn to talk like that? You know what, with the help of Al-Anon, thank you, I'm a grateful member of the Al-Anon family groups and have been. If any of you have been sober for a while and you're having trouble in your relationships, if you're Having trouble being happy in your relationship because defective relationships are the cause of most all our problems, I invite you to come join us at Al- Anon. I got sober, and A, I got happy in Al-Anon. That's my story. Anyway, with the help I found in Al Anon and my fellowship at Alcoholics Anonymous, I was able to make good on my promise to my daughter. And I didn't pull her lips off. And I did not try to play judge and jury and dictate and control and dominate and mandate and punish and teach and train. I just didn't. All I did was I just tried to love her and understand her and tolerate her. You see, she is perfect. We are all perfect. We are the perfect product of all our perceived experience to this point in our lives. There is nothing wrong with her. She's fine. For her to be different would be wrong. She's the perfect product of all her perceived experiences, real or imagined. So all I had to do was understand that and be kind to her and listen to her and stop demanding. You know, my whole life, my relationships have been like a game of tiddlywinks. You know? I put pressure on them. Put pressure on him. Put pressure On him. Ding! Come back! I never understood why. You know. And I'd get into these relationships, and you know, they're sick relationships. These relationships with my mom, the relationship with my dad, they're thick relationships. And my sponsor says, Otto, has he ever played tennis? I said, no, I'm crippled. What are you talking about? He says, well, you know how to play tennis? I said I think I understand the game. He says well, you know what, if one guy doesn't hit the ball back, tennis is over. The other person can stand on the other side of that net and swing their racket and holler all they want, but tennis is over if you don't hit the ball back. That made sense to me. The only thing that has to change is me. And when I changed, when I would just walk by and close the door instead of telling her she's a pig and she needs to get in there and clean that place up, when I Would Just Walk By and Close the Door, after a while she got tired of living in that field and she cleaned it up. You know what? I found out that she's not a pig. She's just a little girl in a dirty room. I used to put horrible labels on people and stuff. I had all these terrible labels that I learned from my father. Today I understand that if she doesn't wash the car, she's not a slob. She just didn't wash the car. I promise you, life's easier living with somebody who just doesn't wash the card than it is living with a slov. And nothing changed but me. It's wonderful. As I changed, she changed and our relationship devolved and we grew close. That's what I've wanted my whole life is some intimacy. You know, she turned 16 and I bought her a little shit car. I bought her a little car. I don't know why. Something's going on. Anyway, it wasn't a very nice car. It was just a little card. She's not a very good driver, so she didn't need a very nice card. It was this little inexpensive car. It was a little Honda Prelude, like an 88 or something. It's one of those deals where you step on the gas and it just makes more noise. It doesn't go faster. The only thing that moves is the RPM needle. It still just goes 25. And I figure she can't get hurt in that. And we're getting along great. I had a really cool car. Now, I'm a car guy. I'm not a race guy, okay? So I've always had cool cars. Cars were my ego. Cars were the image. We've got cool cars and she comes to me one night and she says, Dad, can Kristen and I take your car? That is a really good car. It's a really nice, really cool convertible. You know, kicker, stereo, cool wheels, hot rod. Okay. Be careful. Just for a little while. It was a beautiful night. I'll put the top down. They're going to have fun. Okay. One thirty minutes. Dad, I'm going too fast and I crashed the car. You okay? Kristen, okay? Good. Can you drive the car? Where are you at? Where they're not supposed to be. Stay right there. I'll be right there, okay? Stay right here. I'm so pissed. Anything but my car. Oh, man. Bets are off. Just love you no matter what, shit. Just love you no matter what stuff. Forget it. The little bitch is dead. And so I'm driving that little prelude out to get her. And it ain't getting there fast enough, man. I'm about to pull the wheel off that thing because I know I'm going to be driving it for a while, you know? and I'm having this conversation in my head you know the way we do I got this conversation going on about what she said and what I said and what you ever do that and what came to me was she said dad I was going too fast and I crashed the car she did the unthinkable she did what she did the unheard of she trusts me I earned it she told the truth Dad, I was going too fast and I crashed your car. You know, I told my dad that a deer ran out in front of me and I swerved to miss it. And he took his belt off and he damn near beat me to death. Didn't I tell you to be careful? Don't you know what that's going to do to insurance? Don't YOU know how important that car is to this family? Get your... And that night I was able to go to Holly and comfort her. See, she knows what it's going to do to insurance. She knows what that car meant to me. She's dying inside. Isn't that a great time to come punish your kid when they're dying? You know, I'm the one person in the world she most wants to have admire and respect her. And she had just tore up what she knew was my Christ position. She felt awful. and I was able to go to her and comfort her and tell her it's okay. I love you, sweetie. I'm glad you're okay. The car doesn't matter and it doesn't because what I have with my daughter today is unbelievable. I didn't know it existed. I didn'T know that you could tell somebody things about yourself that aren't pretty and not have them shun you, mock you, laugh at you or punish you. When we love each other we just accept each other as we are like we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. I expect very little of you. I expect very little of my daughter. And so, I'm constantly overwhelmed by the bounty of what I receive from you and my wife and my daughter and my fellows and my friends. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. You guys taught me how to love. You know, I went about cleaning up the wreckage of my past and what I found out is the world is not as evil as I thought it was. People aren't People aren't as punishing as I was. You know, I thought you'd claw my eyeballs out when I came to you and told you what I had done to you and owned it. And what you did was you embraced me and you said, Otto, we're so happy. We're so glad that you've got your life changed. You know? And I just keep getting richer and richer and richer. And while I'm going about doing what I can to carry this message and to improve my conscious contact and to find out what I'm doing wrong, you know that when I did my personal inventory on that night with my daughter in the car? You know when I didn't have a car? When I did myself a personal inventory and I looked at it and I said, what's my part in this? Truth is, when she said, Dad, can I have the car? I didn't have the courage to say, no, honey. My problems are of my own making. Always. See, I live in this fantasy world that says it won't happen to me. Thanks for playing our game, Otto. We have some lovely parting gifts for you. But as I've gone about working these steps, God's gone about doing for me those things that I can't do for myself. I've talked too long. I've got a lot of wonderful stories I'd like to tell you about what God's done for me. But what you guys have done for m is incredible. I will tell you two really important things that have happened. In the long version of the Serenity Prayer, it says that God will make right everything. Everything. If only we'll completely give ourselves to Him. And you know, I gave in. I completely gave myself. I mean, when I did my fifth step, I kept no secret. When I went out and started to adopt this program as a way of life, I went full speed. I think that's where my perfectionism really helped me, even though I've been having to get away from it. And what's happened is unbelievable to me. I mean, just miracle after miracle after miracle. I had troubles for a long time telling people about the things that were happening in my life because I was afraid you would think I was some kind of a zealot or a goofball or something. I remember going to the pastor at the clinic where I went to treatment and asking him, you know, I said, man, I'm afraid to tell people what's going on in my life because I'm worried they'll think I'm a kook. And he says, well, you're afraid that they're going to scoff at you for saying God did it. I said yeah. And he said, well... He says, that's what you believe. He says why don't you just tell them what's happening and let them decide for themselves. Why? That gave me freedom to begin to share my life experience with others. I think it was supposed to lead me up here because the miracles are unbelievable. And I know that I'm not unique. For those who have been sober and Alcoholics Anonymous for a little while and have given themselves to this program, they have known the miracles too. But these are amazing to me. Several years ago, I was at the car races on Friday night. I'm always at the Car Races on Friday nights. I'm six. I'm at the Cars Races Friday night and I will drive long distances to go to the Car Racing with a forecast of rain And I'll sit there in the rain hoping it will stop so maybe they'll race a little bit. Okay? I like the car races. It's my passion. And I'm at the races this night like I'm always at the racing. And the weather is great. The car counts good. The track is good. The races are good. And something came over me and I got up and went home in the middle of the show. I had no idea why. All I knew is that as I left the grandstand, I had this horrible sadness because my passion had been taken from me. I didn't know where it went. You know, I'm just going home. And I felt sad as I was leaving the grandstands. And I walked into my house and my wife says, what are you doing here? I mean, she's shocked. And I said, I don't know. She said, I think I just soon watched TV. Turned on the TV Friday night, 9 o'clock, 2020 was coming on. And the first little vignette that came on the screen just like that was a helicopter flying over the jungles in Vietnam. There was a story called The Gift of Life and it was about an emergency room doctor and this guy writing a book on emergency room trauma was interviewing one of the top trauma specialists in the country. And he asked him, what was your worst trauma case? And this doctor began to describe when he was a young surgeon in Vietnam in 1968. And they brought in a soldier who was so gravely wounded that the consensus was to medicate him, set him aside, declare him expectant, and let him die. Both his legs were blown off. Pieces of his arms were blown up. The top of his head was gone. He had shrapnel the size of your thumb in the middle of his brain. His eyes were lost. His brain damaged. He has no legs. let him die Dr. Swan went against the consensus and operated on him and saved his life the guy writing the book says well how'd it turn out I mean did you save him for a life of some quality or a life of horror I mean he's all screwed up and Dr. Swann didn't know so they set about to find him and it took them two years his name's Ken and he lives in Columbus, Georgia and began to tell his story he's in a helicopter trying to drop firefighting equipment to an infantryman pinned down in the jungle, Vietnam, 1968, September 21st, 1968. And a rocket comes out of the trees and blows his helicopter out of sight. And I sat on that sofa, and I started to shake. I mean, I'm just trembling. My wife came over, and she sat down, and She hung on to me, and she said, What's the matter? What's wrong? And I said, I think this is my kid. I think it's my kid, and it's not my kid anymore. I think that this is why I live with night trauma. I get a 50% disability from the Veterans Administration for post-traumatic stress. I mean, that used to drive me crazy. And I'm shaking on this sofa, and here it comes. And you've been very patient tonight, but I'm going to make this long story short. This indeed was the young man that Henderson and I got that day. Since Vietnam, he has married, fathered two children. He owns his own sailboat. He sails. They just strap him to the bow and away he goes. He scuba dives. He's a cork. Did you know that people without legs don't sink? Did you not? And he's cut off at the torso. And they put weights on him and take him under the water. He's the hell of a guy. But you know what? He suffers from post-traumatic stress and he can't get back from Vietnam and he drinks and he drugs and he abuses his wife and his wife's left him and he suffers a lot. He's overcome a lot, but he suffers a lot and he doesn't know what happened to him that day and he can't get rid of it. He can't pass it. He can'T get home. There's a lot of veterans that can't GET home. And I thought, well, maybe I can help. I was there. I saw it. I can tell you exactly what happened. I contacted Ken and started a relationship between he and I that still exists to this day. Yesterday, he turned 53. It was his 53rd birthday. That's a miracle, let me tell you. And I'll also tell you that Ken is now nine years clean and sober. And knows the blessings and the beauty of this program, and I like to think that God used me to save him twice. But the gift for me was this. When I would talk to Ken on the phone, he would drag me back into that jungle. And I didn't want to go. You know, I didn' t want to do a four-step because I didn''t want to get out of there. I didn ''t want go back to Vietnam. I didn't want to do a four-step because I didn' t want to go back to the home I grew up in. I didn''t want to did a four step because I did'nt want to go back to my broken marriages. And when I did my four step, I didn ''t. My sponsor didn'' t make me. He just had me do what was written in the book and identify that my problems were in my own making. And then God in His own wisdom is taking care of everything else. And Ken took me back to Vietnam. And I got to go and relive those things that I had shunned and put aside. And I get angry. I didn'T like going there. I was trying to help him. Have you ever worked with somebody that you just don't like. Happens a lot, you know. You know, I never had anybody driving the Mercedes with the cool stuff and season hockey tickets come up and say, would you be my sponsor? It's always the guy that needs to ride to the laundromat. Anyway, I'm working with Ken trying to help and I'm getting angry and angry and angry and it's manifesting it wasn't what it was about but you know how we put things on things? Well, it began to manifest in me as that, you know, every time I talked to this guy, he hadn't said thank you yet. He's never told me thank you for saving his life. It was no small feat. Every time I'd hang up that phone, I'd get a little madder. Here I am doing all this with this guy and he can't even say thank you. I've lived with these horrible images of this guy for all these years. And he can't even say thank you. They're going to make a movie about his life. Cool. Okay. So they're going, he asked me to send him some stuff. Some memorabilia, some keepsakes and things. And I said sure. And I put a cover letter with it. But in this cover letter I wrote, again, I've got a resentment. You know, buddy, in all the time we've talked, you've never said thank you? I finally got it out. Threw it out there, man. You know, I'm going to get this out on the table. My sponsor always told me, if you've got a problem, go to the source. Go to the resource. You know? Don't talk to somebody else about what's going on with you and this guy. Go to that guy and talk about it. Ken, I've got to resent you. You never said thank you. Well, I made the mistake of showing that letter to my wife. Big mistake. She looks at it and she goes, what's this part here about she never said thank you? That doesn't belong in there. Damn sure does. I live in the truth and it's the truth. that fellow's never said thank you. She says, well, isn't there a spiritual axiom or something? You know, something about if something's bothering you, there's something about you too. Okay. I went back to my little word processor to edit it out. I don't want to rewrite this whole damn letter. I'm just trying to change it so it'll make sense. And what came out was the gift for me. Because what came OUT was, Ken, I've never said thank you. Whoa. That rolled over me like a tidal wave. I sat at that machine and I wept because it's true. For all those years, I'd only seen me running into the fire to help Ken. Truth. I'm pinned down in a burning jungle. Ken's safe in a helicopter. He flies into harm's way to help me. When that rocket took his legs and his eyes, he entered into that darkness and that disability for me. And no one had ever told him thank you. Thank you, Ken, for your sacrifice. Selfish, self-centered. That's the root of my problem. I suffer from a bias and a prejudice of self that has caused me pain and suffering my whole life. God is in His heaven and all is right on earth there's nothing wrong some Michael might want to argue with me after September 11th but I promise you there's Nothing Wrong God is In His Heaven and all Is Right On Earth and if I am disturbed it's because I don't understand God will make right everything if only I surrendered Him I had lived with chronic pain for 28 years I had a fused hip. I hadn't touched my foot with my hands in 28 years. I have all custom furniture in my home. Everything's bar height. Go figure. Because I can't bend. I don't have a hip joint, but I have just enough motion in it that causes me chronic pain. And they told me if I could ever go 10 years without infection, that I'd be a candidate for a prosthetic hip. But I could never go more than a year or two without winding up in the hospital with pus running out of me. Horrible pain and infection. I'd go get my teeth worked on and end up with an infection. I'm just very prone to infection. I've fought that infection for years. I have a very high tolerance to antibiotics. So I never could get a hip and I lived all these years with that chronic pain and I thought I needed that Demerol and stuff. But when I got sober and quit taking the pills, you know, the pain kind of went away because I stopped abusing myself. I used to think that I took the pills because I had the pain and today I know I had it. I had to take the pain because I took The Pills. And what I did to myself when I tookThe Pills and if there's anybody who's got a problem with pills, I promise you the pain goes away after the pills do. So anyway, ten years sober. Ten years no infection. Go figure. Go figure! And I found a doctor who was willing to try. And it took many, many, many surgeries. And it was painful and it was difficult and it didn't work at first and I got infected again and all my worst fears came to pass and I get angry at God. But you know, it just wasn't time yet because today Isn't that amazing? I hadn't touched this foot in 28 years. It's a really good foot. Ah, I got regular furniture in my house. I mean, this is the place I didn't know I could go. You know, my favorite part of the day is taking a dump. I can't tell you. It's been 28 years since I put my elbows on my knees. I just love it. The next time you're in the bathroom, think about me. You all take it for granted. For me, it's wonderful. My life is good. I'm pain-free. You know that hit when they finally got it in there and it finally worked and after all the pain and suffering, I'm pain-free today. It's beyond miraculous. I mean, the gifts that I've come to know, I'm happier, healthier, more whole physically, emotionally, socially, legally, financially, maritally, parentally than I've ever been. I live in a world that I didn't know existed. I had my regular annual visit to the VA. I go in there every year and they evaluate me. I had to go to the psych ward. That's where they send me. and the little gal did the intake interview with me and you know what her comment was? She says, You truly know peace. Would you come talk to our patients? Isn't that wonderful? I used to be them. I'm so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm also grateful for the love that you all gave me when I wasn't lovable. I'm still grateful for you and I'm just so grateful for the newcomers that have been in my life and let me love them. You know, I found out that the joy is in the loving, not in the being loved. I had it fast backwards my whole life. No wonder God loves us. It's a damn much fun. How else would he have it? Anyway, I really appreciate you all letting me talk so long. You've been a wonderful audience. I really appreciated you having me in Redding, California. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you. Thank you.