The Humility of Giving Up Having Your Way – Jim W.

We're just sicker than I thought we were. Well, we forgot about it last night, so we're going to do it again today, huh? That's just the way we are. If we miss a meeting, we go back three steps. Well, I'm Jim Williams, and I'm an alcoholic. Of course, they tell you right up front, I know why we don't like it. I can tell you why we Don't Like It. They don't discuss the problem enough. They only like the solution. And who in the hell wants the solution? I'm not interested in the solution, I want us to discuss the problem. And let's live in it and surrender to it. Where you can feel it. And really have it. You know, not just a little bit. I liked us. You know they said, you're supposed to live in here, not you and me. We live way up there. And they said elevator, we don't get off at any step. Well, you and I go to the end. We don't play around just a little bit. God, I love it when they say... I love professional people. They say, you're schizophrenic. Yep, sure am. Did you know that you're a manic professor? Yep, sir. Sure am. Civilians say everybody's been a little depressed. I said, I've never been. I mean, they're totally depressed or I don't mess with it. The one I love the most is Paranoia. Because that's the one that really does throw them. And see, I like it because you can just do it anywhere. We're the kind, you know, we get up and we pray and everything's beautiful. We go in the bathroom, think about ten minutes and come back out and they say, what happened to him? him. Oh, he just sawed a minute. Everything went to hell. What I like about it is nothing happened and you and I are different. We just did it. How'd he do that? Oh, the light was red. It's supposed to have been green. They tell you right up front how you are. That's the reason we don't like it half the time. I don't Like it because the whole show's on you i don't know why we don't how how come we get here we say god we've gone through all that pain all that deal and i finally get here they said listen we just like we'd go tell somebody not in this program we'd grow out there and say you know what happened to me i i used to drink a lot i used getting all that trouble and get in jail and go to hell and i just do all these things have car wrecks and i'm finally entered up into a program but they said if i'll do what they say one one day at a time, just exactly what they say, the way they say to do it, God's going to move into my life, transform me, and give me everything I've ever desired. They'd say, God, isn't that fantastic? And you'd say... Well, I'm not too sure I'm going to do that yet or not. All of us are not going to make it, you know. They tell you right up front. They don't mess around. It's all black and white. They said, everybody's got to live in a little gray. Not you and I. You and I don't live in gray. We eat a turtle. Nothing about us. We can't even go to eat ice cream without getting screwed up. I remember what I had to get up when we didn't go out for ice cream and I'd say, we're out of chocolate syrup. You think I could just eat chocolate ice cream and vanilla ice cream mixed together? No, I've got to go get the damn chocolate syrup! Not insane, that just means that we're out of chocolate syrup Could you just eat vanilla chocolate syrup night without the syrup? Hell no, you can't eat it just tonight. You've got to get up, put your clothes on and go get the damn something and serve it. Anybody understands that? They say that some of us, the ones of us that are not going to make it are the ones that can't become honest with themselves which means we're not. We're not and when you come in I know you think you are because you think your different than all the rest of us. But you're not. And all it is, is just do what we tell you. Just do what we tell you. But we don't just jump at that. I don't care how much pain we've been through, how much misery, how much hell, how much crippling mentally, physically and spiritually. We come in here bankrupt in all three and we say, well, I'm going to have to think about it. They tell you right quick drink. Alcohol's not the big deal. They can get rid of alcohol first half, first step and show's over man. We don't mention alcohol anymore. Show's over and your life's unmanageable. When? While drinking? Did not say that. Said your life is unmanagable period. And they tell you right quick why. You're insane. They didn't sell little nuts and laugh. They They didn't say, you're crazy. They said, you are insane. Which means when you and I go by what we think, we just turned our life over to an insane person. That doesn't make a difference what we are thinking about. And you can take us, take ten people, and you and me will be one of the ten. We do it just exactly like those other nine did it, and I'll guarantee you, you and i will fail. Why is that? I do not know. You and I are different. Do you think you're not different? You're different. You don't think you'RE different? You go ask somebody next Monday, have you told another human being everything you've ever done or ever thought about? Ask somebody where you work. Just ask them. They'll start looking at you funny. See, well, you never do anything without checking with another human being first to you. Do you take a daily inventory? story? I guarantee you, you and I are different. We're different. People like you and I don't naturally go out every day to try to destroy yourself. You and I do it, we do it naturally and insist upon it. We do it trying not to. That's you and that? And who are your best friends? Where do your best friends come from? The state hospital. Now they've improved some, they're coming out of the nut wards of the hospitals because some of us have got insurance. But remember where we're coming at us. We have a hospital near us that finally built a hospital by the side of the hospital so they could get us out of the hospital. They say, oh, that's that unit down there. I sell coke to hospitals. And they said, and they were talking about infection control. Infection control nurses sitting there with two or three other people. And she says, no use putting it on the second floor. I said, why? She said, they're alcoholics. You know, they have to be hugging and kissing every 30 minutes or they think nobody loves them. Get up and you say, turn your life, your will over to God. How do you feel? Oh, I feel fine. I got up this morning, got out on my knees, turned my life, my will over to God, and everything's fine. I say, wait till 3 o'clock. You know how you and I do that? We get up every morning, we do that little deal, we check with our sponsor that we run that damn thing down through there and hit it, hit it. Hit that wall. back up, regroup take off down here and run that thing hit that wall and boom come back up here and regroup and run that fellow the truck God hit that ball come back said well I may turn that deal over The way we do it. But we do, and it's just hard on you, but we just do it It's just really hard on you, and we like it One thing about it, once it's done, it's done Unless we pick it up again I like us because we never close any doors We always leave all of them open in case we should need it again can you imagine going through the whole day being fine say how are you fine all day and night too well not tonight you know I have a hard time standing that sweet stuff want it bad God want it bad wouldn't have over an hour of it for anything in the world It's hard to get the courage To do what it says What is it? How is it I've heard it all my life Turn your life will over to God Trust in the Lord God, I tried And then the Lord went I'd get re-baptized I'd be a man I'd re-dedicated I'd redone And I'd feel good After I'd got re-deticated If I had to wait Until one o'clock To have a beer Turned around and worked for that other nine folks. They'd go get rededicated to this piece of land. Can you imagine us going to church now and the guy said, for those of you who are not sure, God, we'd all be there. It's always amazing when you... Eloise used to say, y'all really are something else. Y'all are really something else somebody walks through that door and without a shadow of a doubt you say, we've got your solution. This is... We're the ones you've been looking for. without a shadow of a doubt if you'll come in and do exactly what we tell you you're going to have everything you've ever looked for you're it this is it this is the place about two months later God removes that desire to drink and begins to change that family you and I say well I'll be damned you know we talk about especially in Fort Worth about two years ago somebody had decided that they were going to start a little deal where they were gonna do the fourth step in depth. I said, really? Yeah, I never did anything any other way. High in depth when I go eat ice cream? Talk about fourth step all the time and God was trying to tell us, man, read the fifth step. The fifth step, the one that says just no simple thing in the fourth steps, just tell everything you've ever done. Anything anybody's ever done to you. It's no big deal. Just write that down. Just, you know, nothing to it, is there? Only took me 19 months. I had to pray to let God be willing to be willing to let me do the fourth step. I went down there in a group. Before I did, my sponsor would not tell me how to do it. He kept saying, just write down everything that's ever happened to you so that you can remember and everything that anybody's ever done to you, you've done to them. Just something that's on your mind. and all that stuff of course they're talking about things I don't know what they're talkin' about you know cause really what we're gonna write down has nothing to do with the deal at all you know they just got us tied up doin' a bunch of crap while God can do what he needs to do they just get it has nothing to do with the deal you know people think I'm gonna write the fourth step do the fifth I'm wanna figure out all this stuff yeah you're not gonna figure out nothin' an insane mind is not gonna figure out anything but I wanna analyze it see how things are going and see what the deal is find out what's wrong with me they'll tell you what's right you got alcoholism that's it nothing else all you got which means if you got that you're insane they tell you that you don't have to dig it up don't worry about digging something up that's wrong with you it'll show up and remember one other thing everybody knows it but you you don't have to get any labels on it or anything like that because we don't use labels here we know you're insane we know insane people have all those problems and we also know that we've got a solution here that God himself is going to be the one that's going to change it all and I don't know why we think we're not going to talk about God because the book says we're going to before they start with how it works we have the chapter to us agnostics the reason they say we're agnostic is because people don't end up where we do believing in God you don't end up in the commode believing in god they just don't do it but you and I are the ones that don't give me that God stuff or don't gives me that religion religious. When we say God, we say religion. My mind does. But see, remember, that thing is insane anyway. So if I go by what it tells me, then I'm dead. Well, now how am I going to keep from thinking what I'm thinking when I'm making what I think? Well, I can't. So they gave me some things to do and to not do, which is the only thing that works. And my mind just goes on doing what it's doing. Because I can' t keep from doing what what it's doing. I used to try to wake up and not think. You can't do that. That's right. I'd try to wake up real quick before I started thinking. Can't do that. Then they wanted me to do the fourth step and write all this stuff down but the big deal was the fifth step. I finally went down there and grew because my sponsor did not know how to do the fourth step. And I went down there and they had a guide to to the fourth step. I said, that's it. That's it, brought it back. I said... Well, I walked in and I had a little two-room club group and I went over to my other room and by myself my sponsor came in and said, he's over there reading something. Here they come. What are you reading? I said now I'm going to do the fourth steps but I'm gonna do it right. I've got the deal here with this guy that did the fourth set. He said, let me see that. He said... They're terrible people, you know. Like Barry. I know he's like that and that guy yesterday in that meeting who that guy was talking about Andrew he was like my first father and he looked at that thing tore that thing up threw it away smashed it I'm going to tell you one more time I'd do it for a cent just write down everything that ever happened to you everything anybody ever did to you you ever did that that'll cover it all well I knew he didn't know so finally He said, why don't you just become willing to be willing to write the fourth step? And I did. And then on the fifth step, that's the one they're talking about. God, that is the one that is going to begin my life to be different. That's the One I did to begin with. That's The One when I picked up the phone and called in a group, I admitted to God, myself, and another human being something was wrong with me. Now, I didn't know that's what I was doing. But that's What they told me. In the fifth step, when I told that guy everything that I could think of that I ever did or anybody ever did to me, I began the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I began to move into that glass house and began to begin a life of freedom and to begin to lay myself out before God, myself, and another human being. And when I did that... That began to set me free. That was the name of the game. Then they said to me, which is... They tell you terrible things here. They do not indicate that you're fine. I do not... They don't indicate you're great. They're glad to have you. We need you, they say. I don't know what for, because I never did notice they were needing me. Seemed to me like they were always doing better than I was. And they brought me in here and then they were telling me I need to think about what I'm doing because I'm going to give up all those things I used to do. And they said, remember, the only thing you're going to do is you're going to have to give them up to get them back. Well, I understand that, don't you? You may need to give him up but not, you may not physically have to give them but you're gonna have to have them up. Well now, I don't understand, do you understand that? We're in a program you can't understand. You don't know what you're doing and you have I have no idea how it works. I love that deal. Isn't that ridiculous? They tricked us into that deal! That's not how it works at all! They said, How does it work? We don't know how it works. We keep meeting here thinking we're going to find out. We're not going to find out how it works. See, you and I want to know how the thing works so we can work it. And this thing says you'll never know how it worked. You just do these things and it works you. Well, you can't work, do you? So you have to see if God would just tell us the deal. We're the group. He wouldn't need all these other folks. He would just say, Just tell us and let us work it. We'd have the United States sewed up in a couple of weeks. We wouldn't have to do churches. We wouldn'T have time to build them. They really are tricking you when they get you in there with this deal and that six or seven steps is only about that long. It's only about that much, half a page. Don't kid yourself. You're going to give up every old way that you ever had. You're gonna have to go how are you gonna give that up? Through painful operation. You're gotta go through the rock crusher. You like that? Hate it. When I'm in it I hate it. When I mean it I don't know what I'm doing. When I am in it I think I'm the only one in it and I hate it. When I get out of it, I think it's fantastic. I tell you how great AA is, it's just fine. When I'm in it, if it's not working, things are not right, I ought to quit Eloise, quit my job, walk out here. I think I'll just go to Padre Island. Just need sandals, I got enough clothes. Make a hundred a week working at a utopia down there. Dust all over everything. I'll eat cheese and crackers. That's all I need to do. You know what's wrong with that? I believe it. I was telling my sponsor that on the phone, that's what I thought that day, and he said, Eloise heard me a little bit, and she said, What about me? I said, I never gave you a thought. And that humility business, people say, You say, well, I'll look that up in the dictionary, really. Remember, that will not do us any good. That will not give us one bit of good, those things that professional people use, that human beings use, and human reasoning and human things are not ours. Isn't that ridiculous? My God! We've got to take... We have reasoning, you know. All of it. Of course, ours is insane, which is different than others'. So we can't use ours anyway. So the only reasoning we ever get to is we know that this program and by doing this program God's going to work our life out and that's the only reasoning you and I can do we can't reason the situation because when we tell the people what the situation is they say my God divorce her quit your job and leave town now see that's not what's wrong at all none of it it's just the way I am and where I am and I've got to stay where I'm and become different there and how do you do that you can't so I just just stay there where I am and then do what you tell me one day at a time and God makes me different. Now, how does he do that? Beat the hell out of me. But he doesn't. And he won't do it for me like he did it for you. I saw what he did to her. I know exactly I'm going to try it. It won't work. God catches that we catch something and he changes it. We're not going to be allowed to know. We're going to be allowed to go and we're going that we don't know. Then we're going to being allowed and it's not going to be any other way it's not going to be any other way I want it to be so much I don't know why we had I don' t know why we couldn't run it we're the ones that want to run it worse than anybody in the world I have two chiefs lives at my house no Indians have an Al Lodge as a chief and an Al College as a Chief they're both Chiefs well you've got to learn you've gotta live a different way two Chiefs can't live you need an Indian somewhere much. So what I've got to do when this thing like that old six, six thing surfaced on me, how is I going to find out on the sixth and seventh step, how am I going not to do that? Well, you know what humility is, don't you? Very simple. Just give up having your way in anything. Why? We can go home now, can't we? Just give it up. That's all. Just don't insist on having your way and we'll be fine in everything. Don't have my way about anything then I'll have my away about everything. The only thing wrong with that is is we have to have our way about everything until we can not have our away about some things and then some things and for some reason reason we're going to get this one way and one way only through the experience it's not coming any other way you're not going to give it by learning it memorizing it reading it teaching it you know why nobody teach us anything nobody tell you what to do nobody's going to tell you what today they're not you know what you and i are not going today we're not doing it it won't make any difference what they say. They can say, listen, I'm going to tell you if you don't quit doing that, that's going to ruin you. You and I will go do that and ruin ourselves. So we've got to have a teacher and we've Got to Become Teachable. So they've given us a program to become teachable and they furnished us the teacher which is Almighty God Himself which forcibly and unforcibly is the only one that can teach you and I. When your self will run right and you know every damn thing, we're the only group of people in the world that know that God doesn't know. There's a lot of people who really believe God knows what he's doing. You and I question it many times. We discuss it with others. that God has not done this and it's absolutely necessary that he do this right now. Here I am without a relationship and God, I've been praying, God has never done or not done a damn thing about it. And I know that they say he furnishes all your needs and I need it and I'll need it right now Why he doesn't take care of it I do not know but if you can talk to him and discuss it remember he's not doing his job a lot of people do not question God like you and I do and a lot of people don't know that a lot of people think God really is who he is a lot of people think God really is and you know what's so bad about that is he's going to be there and that's hard on you and I because he's as bad if not worse than you and I he's going to insist upon being God in every area of my life. Just kills me that he's gonna do that. It looks like he could give me one little area. You know, I have some pretty good ideas of my own. you. And after all, I'm the one that has to live down here where it is, where it's really going on. It seems like the thing that seems to bother you and I the most, the one that seems the cost us the most in our lives, the thing with some reason about us, there's There's something about us that we just seem to completely, absolutely refuse to forgive ourselves. I don't know why we're that way. You'd say, that's not true. Yes, it is, dear. It's just as true as you and I standing here. If you would just think of where you andI were from the beginning of when we were sent here, Al-Nan, Alateen, alcoholic, alcoholic, and where we are today, what we're sitting in today, how we've been able to be together today and feel and be what we look like today. We look like Baptists or Catholics or whatever. We looked like the top bunch in all denominations, not that bottom bunch. and we're here today and for some ungodly reason insanity I guess can't be anything else. This is it. This is solely completely it. We've paid the price and here we are. All I've got today is do what they tell me to do. Say a prayer every morning. Check with my sponsor let him know what I'm thinking that day. Do whatever's assigned to me in work or whatever it is that day go to that meeting that night work with another human being and say my prayers that night and check up on me that day for the tenth step to see if I have started up any resentment if I've started up anything that I've harmed another human being in any foreign fashion or way that day and if I'm doing what A tells me to do. They do not want me to check up at the end of the day to see If God's doing okay to see IF I still don't have what I need or any of that kind of stuff. You know, the shortest The hardest meeting sometimes we have is when we're having our own gratitude. And for some reason, that's what we seem to lack the most. We can get to where we can... You know, why are we going to forgive somebody? We can't forgive another human being. It's a tricky deal. They're going to trick you into this now. I'll tell you what they're going do. They're tricking you into it. You don't know what you're doing. See, they say, I resent that person for what they did and you and I are not allowed to be angry anymore. We are angry. they didn't say some of us they said you're mad and you're angry and you hate and we hate people and we have to we hate God and there's no doubt about it that anger must go because that anger cuts us off from Almighty God and we're cut off how am I going to quit resenting these people I resented for years I was in the principal high school that failed me two years after he was dead still going to get him how am i going to do that what did they want me to do they wanted me to begin to live a life that I'm going to pray for whoever that is I resent admit it to my sponsor and say God thy will be done for him as well as for me take our relationship let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth and I'm gonna do that automatically with any other human being no matter what he does to me if he drives a truck through my house I'm wanna say just drove a truck through my house pray for them call the sponsor I'm to live a life that I'm never to harm any other human being no matter what they do then there is what they do to me I'm never to harm another human being and the way I become a person that does that I automatically become a person that prays for them checks with my sponsor and God automatically removes it in a hurry where before I kept it and kept it and built it and built it and built it. And what did they trick me into doing that for? What did they think they were doing to me? They gave me something to do. But that wasn't what was happening. What was happening, I was becoming a person who automatically forgives my fellow man no matter what they did. And what happened then? Then when I became that kind of a person and God could transform my life to where I had no more hate and no more anger living within me and became a person to do that, then God could forgive me and I become forgiven and I've got to do that through a series of situations and a series of experiences throughout my life that I can finally become in degrees a person who's willing to forgive themselves and it's a process of through I'm going through to live experiences for that to become and God says if you do not forgive your fellow man I will not forgive you and they strict us in the whole damn deal isn't that ridiculous And see, we did not know what we were doing. We do not know what we're doing, but that's what we do. They want us to pray and meditate. Well, we don't know how to do that. They give us some awful prayers. That prayer they read the other night was ridiculous, that third step. Wasn't it terrible? Take me, God, and do with me whatever you see fit. But I will only be done in my life. What about my deal? Where do I get in on that deal? Are we really going to depend on God that he really knows what he's doing? Not for a while, we're not. I'll guarantee you that. I don't know why we're not going to do that but we're going to We're not going to do it. And thank God what do you think you're going to meet him for every night? What are you having to check with your sponsor every day for? Because you and I I miss a meeting and two days we get out of here in three. We're out moving and doing our own deal and you know what's so bad about that is we know we're doing okay because we thought about it and we waited out and we reasoned and we know exactly what we're going to do the next day anyway. We need to get out of here and start doing something now that we're sober and now that my husband's sober and now that I'm in Al-Anon and everything's going good hell one night a week's enough and where do I go every time where does my mind take me always backwards never forward my mind and your mind never went forward in its life it'll never go far it goes backwards then we get in here we think well now that we're here we ought to go do something after the second year especially second years on you you know and that third year boy when you know you've got a new strength you've never had before and you know you know you have it. And God, now I really, you know just really having God's not enough. We've got to really, really, really have it! We can't just have it, we've got the really have my God! We've gotta have barrels of it! So I knew this little Catholic priest that was doing a seminar and I knew that he was also making a talk. So let's talk he did before I went to his seminar are. I went over and I knew he was doing an A talk, and I went over to see him after that. I said, you know, when we have a couple of phrases in the Bible that God reveals to us and tells us what it means, of course that happens to a lot of people at five, then I think we're really on the road. We're really going to get into it. So this guy, when we started doing that, I asked him, I said, now I really want to live a spiritual life. I really want to get it. I assumed I would be going back back probably to the Baptist church and maybe have to go for a year or two at the seminary. Never did know how to study, read over 15 minutes and go to sleep. And he looked at me like, he thought, what in the world do you think you're in? He said, Jim, he said, if you want to go back to church, I'll tell you how to go because you don't know how it's done. but it'll have nothing to do with your spiritual life you're in the toughest spiritual program available to human beings today said many people try it now and they're using it in different areas but it's all a watered down version of Alcoholics Anonymous Al-Anon and Alateen doesn't make any difference what it is if you went into Al-Alan and quit AA you'd have a waterged down version of Alcoholic Synonymous that's a big book of Alcoholical Synonymous he said a lot of people People are trying it, but they're not successful like I am because they don't have to do it. He said you have to do it or life will not come to you. You will have to do what this program says and so that's the reason there's no limit to the spiritual life that you can live and become spiritually in Alcoholics Anonymous more than any other place. If you left Alcoholics Anonymous did not drink, went back into to any church you would not become in depth as spiritually as you will an alcoholic phenomenon that's from a Catholic priest Catholic and he said now if you want to go to church I'll tell you how to go to church he says you're a bad you're an alcoholic I said yeah so go ahead and tell the pastor you're not an alcoholic get your wife and all out they got any drunks around you you'll be available and so they got them and so you came out of there and said then if you want to stay for the service and get a blessing saying, fine. Don't go in there and tell them what God's like. And explain to them what they're not doing. They've been doing fine for years. They do not need you. Then for some reason, you and I, after we get here, they give us this beautiful book. This This book is our book. A-A-L-9-L team, this is where the program is and where it comes from. And the disappointing thing is, will not fail you. And I know you and I had rather fail. The solution to every single thing in your life is in this damn book. This is the most disappointing book you could ever have in your lifetime. Because they said you could take this book and never use another one. And get it. isn't that something ridiculous couldn't they give us several different ways to go just one way why couldn't we have five where we could change every once in a while well I'm tired of going one way all the time and it working the same little Catholic priest one Saturday morning I was over at the club we had an early morning meeting over there we were over having a little meeting I said well I've got to go I've gotta be downtown at nine o'clock my sponsor said where are you going I said, oh, John's doing a seminar on that book, I'm okay, you're okay. He said, you are not going. I said why? He said you are NOT okay. They want us to pray. Do I pray every morning? Do I do that every morning. I need to know whether I do it every morning I need to ask myself did I do that every morning did I get on my knees I invite God in today let God thy will be done my prayer today goes like this and I do this every morning God let thy will be done in my life take me and do with me as you see fit help me to death not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind changing drugs help me deathly nothing this is I know it's meddling help me not smoke a cigarette tobacco of any form sorry Help me not to put anything in this body or this mind that you do not want in it and help me should any of my old thinking return no action taken and let the thoughts be fleeting and should that old sex hang up return no action taking and let them go and let their thoughts be pleading Then I pray for some people mostly they mostly come in business then I pray for them that are in my mind on that day Then I check with several other human beings it's called my house every morning and then i go to work which i hate and then that night i go to the meeting and that night I'm working with others and that tonight I pray and I thank God for today and I lay in that bed and see if I start up something new because I do it I do it you see they're telling us things like that and that's the kind of praying that we do and remember we do prayers in many many forms calling another human being now you and I know that one one insane person calling another shouldn't work. Even an insane person should know that. And anybody would know that if you told somebody out that you were insane and that you called another insane person every day and God was coming into your life, they'll not believe that. That Holy Spirit, God in you and I gives us the answer of what not to do and to do. First place, the guy didn't know you was going to call. second place if he did he didn't know what you were going to say and the third place he's as crazy as you so he doesn't have the answer so what happens is you tell him what the answer is and what it is that you need to know not to do and to do but you don't know it because you can't hear what you say so you tell him and he hears it then he can tell you what not to doing that's the way it works see that's simple won't you understand except the only thing about it is before you and I make the call we know what we need to do and see we never did we never didn't it's amazing a lot of us say I'm going to call my sponsor what for to tell him what I'm doing what I am going to do you know what's bad about that is he'll let you do it then you'll call back crying I don't know how that happened they want us to meditate you know and there's so many different ways to meditate you know there's lots of stuff in the east and the west it's just the east nothing happens in the west I don'T get just pretty days and sweet people you know I thought well maybe the star is going to go to the west someday or something this girl one time came back said sit down right beside of me at the meeting and said guess what I did this afternoon I went to a different church type thing I've never been to before and I learned how to meditate really you even got a couple of books didn't you really yeah don't tell my sponsor and as soon as the meeting's over don't go to ice cream and meet me in the other room. I met her in the other room and she said this is what that guy said you do. You go home lock the door get down on your knees pray and clear your mind then God just comes in and says oh my God I'm leaving. She said well are we going to ice cream? And I said hell no I'm going to go home and do that right now. Ran home I still live in old what's-her-name I locked Locked that bedroom door, opened the window just in case some angel wanted to come in. Got out on my knees and prayed, cleared my mind. First thing I thought about was shacking up with that girl. told my sponsor and he said I don't think you need to meditate on that any more than you already do I ran my own show for a while you think we don't need that tenth step I ended up hating my job so bad I went off with a guy in AA was almost completely destroyed Troy did not drink, but was as insane as a person could be and still not be in an institution and locked up, still be out driving a car and a driver's license. And I ended up in Orlando, Florida, going completely, absolutely insane. And I ran my show. The way I did that is the way you and I do things. I went to six different men over a period of a year and a half wanting to go to work with this guy. He had already told Eloise that I need to go to work for him because we would never have to worry about money ever again. Of course, money doesn't affect you and I anyway. We're just really spiritual people. And of course, there was one thing that he required to be done that I just couldn't do. And I kept telling these first five men in Alcoholics' Albums, and when I'd tell them that, they'd say, leave it alone so then i went to that sixth man after a year and a half and he said i could do that then what do you think i said just me i went with him and within seven my company knew i'd made a mistake and they paid me three and a Half months after i resigned and they knew i'd come back and i knew i made a Mistake after two months but i wasn't going to leave right so I end up running that whole show being destroyed in Florida Orlando, Florida we happened I couldn't find a motel went crazy finally found one about 9.30 that night found that place and walked in that place and about a little old 60 unit motel and head up there easy does it this guy had been somewhere about 26 years and we went to meet him that night and we talked and another next night and he actually said I don't know what your problem is but brother you better go back and resign signed that job back now you are through this is four and a half years sober folks I was as sick or sicker that day than the day I walked in to Alcoholics Anonymous sober you get sick sober doing your thing we end up that guy so I walk till three o'clock till one o' clock in the morning then I go to bed Eloise is in bed already I don't know why I don's go to sleep minute. I don't know, I could go to bed when there's serious things going on. At three o'clock in the morning, I couldn't sleep, so I got up and said, let's go. Got in that old Mercury and took out from Orlando, Florida and stopped in Birmingham, Alabama. And I know that you've got to be on the other side of town before you never stay on this side of town when you're leaving from the other side, right? Anybody knows that. The only thing wrong with that is there was no motels on that side of town. And we hadn't eaten. It's only 10.30, quarter to 11. So I took her out for dinner today, Queen. Got Mac in that Mercury and drove it straight through to Houston, Texas. Never blinked an eye. Drove in that driveway at that apartment and Eloise got out of that car and she said, my God I'll never make a ride like that again as long as I quit that job had to take a doggy job and some guy asked me to go to Saudi Arabia and I said yeah went went to Saudi Arabian after I'm over there about five months the king got shot and all this stuff got mixed up and I got up one morning and about three o'clock and I was like and I thought absolutely being destroyed. There's absolutely no way, no way that Eloise and I can make it any further. There is nobody over here we can talk to. We had a couple of tapes that were worn out and there is nothing we can do. And I said you always give Eloise some scripture but you never give me any. And then I said, I picked up that living Bible and went in that living room and I said I am going to turn on this light and get down on my knees and open this book. And And I ask that you tell me what's going on. I've got to know. I'm being destroyed. And I knew he was standing right back there. And I turned that light on. And I read in that living Bible exactly what was going on, exactly what I needed to do, and exactly what Was happening. And it said the Lords were lording over the Lords and that I needed To become the least, which I hate. I became the least and the next three weeks we went on guard duty and all this kind of crazy stuff. And one Friday morning and I got up and I said Eloise we're going home she said how do you know I said no I know we're gonna ain't sure enough that Tuesday we're on our way back to Dallas there's one thing you and I need to know we've got the system for God to take our lives the system it's gonna work the system that's been designed especially for you and me now what were they saying through us they're telling us to say that prayer but don't depend on the results The result says none of our business. What are they telling us? Lines in our book that abandon yourself to God. How do you do that? Abandon yourself to the AA program, then you're abandoning yourself to God. Then God comes in and takes you. Your relationship and my relationship to God is solely and completely God's business. It's not mine and yours. We don't make it. We don' t decide what it needs to be. We d'on' t work it. You and I have been given a formula which is to go through that formula no matter what's going on in my life and my life may look like it's disastrous and remember things that are going to occur in my life are not fair and are not right, a lot of them but that has nothing to do with what's doing on because God's got me whether he causes it, I create it or there's another force in the world that creates it doesn't make any difference none of that stuff makes any difference as far as you and I are concerned because remember God chose us we're his he's the one that jerked we know what it is to be jerked from darkness to light we know what it means to be pulled out of that depths of total absolute darkness and placed in here with the right people God's chosen people for you and me sure you're going to live it different and yours is going to be different and the things that are going to happen to you is going to be different than things that happen to me but remember those happenings are only for the purpose to glorify this God who created you and I. And you think about what we do. You don't think we ever find any fault with each other, do we? We wouldn't do that. Nor especially one of us. Would we find fault with anybody? And the biggest one we'd do again. Do you ever find fault With you? Then if I find fault With you And I find thought With me that I'm finding fault with God because, see, God created you and me just like we are and loved us just like we are. And he's going to take us now, redo us, remake us, take out every flaw. Sorry about that. Damn it, I hate that. He's going run us through that rock crusher, take our every flaw that's in us and then he's He's going to make us exactly what he wants us to be. And we're in that place. Now, when he told us we were so self-centered that we cut ourselves off in everything we did, right? That we're self-centred and we're cutting ourselves off. They tricked us into another deal. They said, we want you to help those who still suffer. Who is that? You and me. Isn't that right? And that new person coming through that door. That's you and me who still suffers. And the only way you and I are going to become not self-centric is working with others. Those of you and I who still suffer. We can't just say, I'm going to get up in the morning and I'm not going to be self-centered anymore. Wouldn't that be nice? You're going to become self-centred some more. So I'm gonna have to work with others not knowing it's you and me who still suffers. And the only way you and i are going to come not self-centric is working without us. Those of us who still suffering. We can' t just say I'm gong to get out in the mornig I'm not going to be self-centered anymore wouldn't that be nice you're going to be self-centred some more so I'm going to have to work with others not knowing one guy finally when I couldn't get to go to my 12 step call I wanted to go so bad God I wanted to go bad I wanted to get on a 12 step call he wouldn't let me go and finally I got to go and just as soon as we got there the guy says we'll take care of this don't say anything they prayed for it went in in there and sure enough I was in there and they weren't even doing it right. So I saw the wife walk by in her bathrobe to the kitchen I went in there to help her They came in and stopped me. Told me to get back in there you know how they are they're jealous. Finally I got when I was at the club one day I'd been on three of those calls they wouldn't let me say a word and I was at the club one day there wasn't anybody there in an interview called and said we have a 12 step call can anybody make it I said I'll take care of it and I called and clarified it and got it all set up and ready to go and this guy walked in all the big shots said anything going on I said nothing that thing's fine about that time a guy came in it's over about a month I said come go with me and he said we'll go with you I said no I just want to talk to him personally I said I've got a 12-step call just listen to me I'll think of the whole thing paid for went in there and gave the guy my best shot and I said now if you don't drink anything I'll check with you and I'll take you to a meeting tonight you're really lucky it's Friday night it's a good meeting and then tomorrow night Saturday night is about the best meetings we ever have all week you're lucky coming in when you're coming in I was telling him how great it was of course he was getting it just like that I took him to a meet and after the meet I took his ice cream for the first time they wouldn't take me to ice cream you know for six months I took Kim the first night I would give him everything thing. What are you used to messing around with? Shark cuts this deal. Called him next morning, Saturday, picked him up and on the way in there I said, man, this is the greatest one and we go to a different place for ice cream. Several groups meet. It's a big deal. Then Houston then. Boy, we went in there and after a meeting he said, I'm not going to ice cream, take me home. I said what do you mean? You can't do that. He said I've had all this crap I want. I said, man, this won't work. Won't work! I took him home and I said now I'll call you tomorrow and he said no you wait till I call you. Well that Sunday he'd been on beer for about three years and done pretty good and that Sunday he didn't drink at all by himself and that Monday Sunday, I went out of town. He went down and bought a case of whiskey and was in the hospital by Wednesday night. He'd never been hospitalized before. I get back Thursday and go to the meeting and my sponsor announces to my group, if anybody knows anybody that's not quite ready, let Jim talk to them. but I'm home one night about 11 o'clock and the phone rang and this guy is in a group and I call this guy and he met me at our club he knew where it was and this man and this other guy and one other guy have taught me more and I'll call it synonymous about the way I was and the way I am than any other two men. I told this one guy especially, I said, I don't have any idea how you're going to come out. But man, I'm getting better however week by week. Because he showed me, this first guy showed me exactly how I was with women. Showed me exactly what I did and the way I did it. And he had it so bad, he married him all the time. He went on a 30-day vacation and married and got it in the nose in 28 days. Never seen the girl for his life. And he had one of the little ones that came in there one time and she was, you know, the right age. He was about 40 and she Was 19. And she was a cute little tiger. And we went over to steal his stuff. I only did that with him five times with three different women. And this little girl, I just got him out. We were sitting there in that car in that apartment and I saw exactly what I've seen happen to me. That little girl drove up there and saw us and walked up there and said, I'm going to tell you you something about that S.O.B.? You think he's gone? He's not gone. You think you've got him? You haven't got him, I guarantee you one thing, he'll be back in my bed Wednesday night. And you know what? He won! It took him several years but he now has a marriage that I hope is okay. But God, he did not get there easy. And the guy that taught me more about... And I didn't want to work with him. He was my third doctor. And I refused him for 260 days. And he taught me more about manipulation and self-centeredness than any man I've ever known. You know, it's a shame that we have to learn from you. We don't know how you're going to come out. And thank God, though, it's not my responsibility. Because, see, who's going to hear what they need to hear today? Who's going decide that? Me? I don't know. I can look at you and say, You know what she needs to hear tonight? That may not be what she need to here today. How many times have I told somebody something for a straight year and a half, which, by the way, was this first guy recently, and he called me and said, Guess what I heard last night? I've never heard it in any before in my life. And any time you and I think we have something to go give somebody, we're crazy. Once you think you've got it, you've lost it. Isn't that amazing? That God has us in the position that we're going to live just exactly like he described in the Bible. You and I are going to have to live it and do it has nothing to do with religion whatsoever. He chose us to be his personal children. We're going to walk that walk and live that life that only he designs. And it doesn't make any... When you and I kick those places and move out off that sidewalk, we're going to have to get back. You and I are not going to be allowed to have... We can't be angry anymore. We can find fault with anybody including ourselves are God. He's tricked us into the whole damn deal now. If you and I find fault with ourselves we find fault with God because he created us. Everything we're doing he tells us we can't. How are you going to live with another human being? How are your going to become capable and be changed to live with another human being. A self-centered person cannot live with another human being. We don't know how. We can't do it. If Eloise I know many days if Eloise would just do this and I can tell you and explain it to you to where you know it's right we'd be better not true not true at all I'll never forget one time we were sitting in those chairs and Eloise said something didn't say anything about it at all and me and I went to the bathroom and cooled down passed murder her. Came back in there and I said, what did you mean when you said that? And she looked at me and noticed I could be a little irritated. And she said, What did you think I meant? it. Well, now I can tell her, right? And I told her and she looked at me and said, my God, I never thought like that in my... Then I knew that I came from a foreign country. If I'm going to have a relationship with somebody, if I'm going to want a relationship no matter where I am, remember when I hit AA, when I head out of Nile, when I get out of Tene, when I hear here, don't change a thing. I need to begin this program and if I am alone, stay alone. If I am out of the marriage, stay out of it. And this is what I do wherever I am. I'm gonna say, God, thy will will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship, let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth. Then I need to do something I don't know how to do. Leave it alone. I need not to do anything to cause anything to happen one way or the other and I need did not do anything to keep something from happening one way of the other and the only way I can do that is check with my sponsor on a daily basis and tell him what my thinking is and what's going on. God's going to be the sole operator, the sole director and he's going take that relationship between me and this girl and by my leaving it alone and my going towards God and if she's doing what she is going towards god god can put that together. You know how we communicate today? Without communicating. Now do we know how to do that? No we don't. So we have to do that one day at a time. And there's times I just know Eloise needs to do this. But see, there's many times she knows I need to do something too. So if I'm going to live with my fellow man and I'm gonna live with this God and I're gonna have relationship with a one person and I wanna have relationship for this God then I'm goin' to need to live exactly the way it tells me to live and you and I've got the way. you and I have a way we have the cinch we've been placed in the place and we've got the way to do it make those phone calls harm no other human being do exactly what it says to do and God will come in and transform our lives over a period of time and over a year over a decade of ways we're not going to be allowed to have any pride left we're lost our self esteem really Well, I guess we'll get up in the morning and have some. How are you going to get that back? Only God's going to give you that back. Only God is going to let you have this all back. He's not going to allow you and I to live any way but His way. The way He is. Now, if He's going not going allow it, then He definitely is going give us the way for Him to come in and do it where we and I cannot do it for ourselves or for each other. you and I can hold each other's hands and become those who love one another and be willing to tell each other the truth which don't go do that don't grow shooting even though you ought to even where you're working I need to pray the same thing with the people I work with and I do it often I will be done for them as well as for me take our relationship there and become what you want to be and God show me the truth the truth is going to the same old phrase the truth is going to set you and I free a lot of times the truth is not happy happy but it's got a strength in it it's like no other place so we're not asking you to change anything or me to change anything they're asking me to stand where I am let you hold my hand so I can make it through and get the courage to open my life and give you Eloise and give it to God and give her and give my finances give my work and my job and my life to this God by not trying to go make anything happen. My company, when they meet together, they say, now men, go out there and make it happen. I just say under my breath, well, I'm going out there but I'm gonna let it happen and I'm not gonna make it happened. And that's what you and I do. We get in the car and go to make it happen. Just like we did here today. We got in the car and came and met with your people and met together that God has solely completely put us together. God answers me many times in prayer. One time I was driving to Brownwood. I didn't pray for anything. I just got in the car like I always did, prayed that morning like I already did and got into it and he came in that car with me that day and just like he was living in me and stronger than he's ever been. And I knew then what you and I didn' t know. We did not know we know that God really does love us and that's the one thing if you and I had known we'd never need to take a drink or live with a drunk But you and I did not know we know that. And he showed me that, and it was so strong he stayed the next two or four days. One time, we were living in Dallas and I'd been sober about 10 or 12 years. There's no thing about sobriety. And we're living in AA and living in this program and after you're here two or three years you're going to go through different commitments. And like our fourth and fifth year when I ran on my job, it was time for me to become more committed to God rather than the world. And I became more committed to the world at that time. I took my way instead of his way. And through those periods, the seventh and tenth year, the tenth to the twelfth, then the thirteenth to the fifteenth, to the fiftieth to the eighteenth, all those periods of time we're always going to be more committed to God and less to the world and less for our ways. And that's one thing we need to do. We need to remember that. We need remember that that's exactly what we need to do because we're becoming more and more committed to God and less towards ourselves. The reason I've got to go through all that pain of all the misery of all the things that are in me it's like they say those are living deaths that I must live through the final death is going to be just exactly the way God designed it be nothing but glory and peace and sweetness but those deaths that I've got to go through living here are painful and they hurt and once I get through that death of that stuff that's alive in me and it dies then it begins to set me more free and I become more and more committed to him and that's what I need to remember to know that I know we're going to get to know we were sitting in Dallas we got this letter from Oral Roberts personally had my name on it wanted us to come to a seminar well I knew that there probably would have been 12 you know that's why Jesus chose was 12 he even got one bad one himself and I just knew I said Eloise we're going this is it I did not discuss it with anyone like we're supposed to and we went up there and there was only the little over 4,000 there all never called us nor contacted us while we were there they had it all figured out the machines and where we were asleep what we were doing where we went had a good time he's a fantastic guy you know we heard him preach that Friday night and the next morning and that afternoon watch him raise money does better than we do by the way then that night this guy that's head of his theology department preached right in the middle of that thing this guy just stopped and said I said, I'm going to tell you that the majority of the people in this auditorium who think and know yourself as Christians are going to miss the whole thing. If you do not find your ministry, you're going to mess the whole time. God! I looked at Eloise and she looked at me and I said Do you mean to tell me? And she says, That's right. We have our ministry. every one of us in Alcoholics Don't Loss Al-Anon and Alateen and we've got it and I said do you mean to tell me that we drove all the way to Tulsa, Oklahoma just to find out we have our ministry where we are she said I guess so the next morning we got up and they were singing and she says you want to go home I said yes sir So, isn't that amazing that each and every one of us have been sent here, been designed to live in different areas and different ways and different places in life by God himself. And you and I have our ministry. And with that ministry, there's no limit to my life and yours. Isn't it amazing that God put us together? God, I'm glad you were sweet folks. folks. God, I'm glad you girls were pretty. I'd have just died. You know what's so disappointing? I don't see how you girls can handle it. Every day after you get here, God, when you first get here you know you look like you feel. And then before you know it that beauty from the inside begins to come and you just get prettier and prettier every day. You You know, I'm grateful for one thing. That I now can, through your help and your guidance on a daily, hourly basis, be able to put me together with one woman that I could become in love with a one woman and it was totally different than I'd ever known before and I knew it after we were already together and I can love other women and love other men and then through that relationship I began to be a person who could love God himself and let God love me isn't that something it's been great being with you this weekend I haven't been any place that's been as sweet and sweeter with Eloise than we have here thank you for having both of us and thank you for loving me and thank God for loving us in Jesus name we ask that you come together and let's all hold hands as she closes this meeting thank you