The Honesty That Breaks Past Denial – Sam S.

Anyways, I'm Sam. I'm an alcoholic. Peace, Sam. And, um... Please stand up. No, thank you. Um, so, uh... Um, that's for me, all of us. Um, yeah, so I have a sponsor. Um, I begrudgingly work the steps. And, uh, I have A Silver Date. It is February 19th, 2015. And, let me tell you what happened on February 18th 18th um in 2015 um it was 3 a.m i was homeless in people's park um and i was trying to sell marijuana in order to get uh money for more drugs and i got jumped by about a gang of uh eight middle schoolers for my weed and um let me tell you they kicked the shit out of me um and they gave me a concussion i blacked out and then they rode away on their little you know bmx bikes and like i don't know what it was like you know i've been in fights before i've Been beat up before i'd been homeless for a minute already but something about that said you know what It's time for me to stop using um i think it was mainly because that was my one outlet to get more drugs like to get more money and that was it they stole like I didn't eat the weed they stole it so yeah then I'll just start quickly from the beginning I was born in Riverside my father was a police officer my mother has a masters in child development and so I grew up in a very loving amazing home and the only thing that really marks you know as important in my childhood was i grew up with a lot of fear uh when i was like eight somebody drove up to me i was playing in the front yard and said get in my car and that was an extremely traumatic experience for me um and i grew up with father who was a police officer so we'd come home every day and talk about you know bad guys so i had this like very pessimistic view of the world i was very afraid of religion as well I grew up religious, so I just had a lot of fear growing up. But that's really the only thing I can think of that's important to my alcoholism. So because my dad was a cop, I towed the line pretty well until I was 17. When I was 16, I started getting drunk, and that kind of was just like, oh man, alcohol is not as terrifying as everybody's been telling me it is. So I wonder what else is pretty cool. So I started experimenting, went to college, and they kicked me out after three quarters and moved back home. I got into popping pills. That was my thing for a long time. I tried to commit suicide, and then I started getting institutionalized. I moved up here because I met a woman in my first rehab I went to, and that is another reoccurring theme in my story. So I spent the ages like 20 to 23 or 24, I'm not sure. So I've spent like three years in and out of rehabs. I've been like 12 or 14 times in a rehab. What would happen was I wasn't ready to stop using it. It wasn't really that bad for me because I discovered this amazing solution. um so you know i'd go there i did a lot of stupid shit um in rehab you know for instance like fall in love um i started um doctor shopping while in rehab and somehow i figured out that you know i could get prescribed my drugs of choice and manipulate everybody to let me take them while in rehab so that never like really worked out and i'm just going to tell like one really embarrassing anecdote about my time in rehab that really just like nails down how stupid i was so i was about to go to mpi just been kicked out of another sober living but the problem was i had like 40 xanax pills i was going to next morning and i was like there's no way i'm flushing these down the toilet i can't do it so what i did i wrapped them in some plastic and i shoved them up my ass and i went into i went into a medical detox like with drugs um because i was just like you know i'm not not ready to stop using i have to go get sober to get off the street but i'm not you know so i got kicked out of there really quickly because i was snorting the pills in the bathroom and all right yeah so that's my uh rehab experience that's just what it was you know a couple months sober get kicked out the last time i got kicked out of a sober living i've been injecting heroin and meth for three months while living there and because i was so good at hiding it i thought you know i got this stuff down you know I've been living here three months shooting up every single day and I haven't been kicked out yet um so i just thought it wasn't like i knew it was a problem for me but i was just like okay with it because i discovered you know like there's no experience like injecting drugs Um, and so I got kicked out and then it was like really time to be homeless. So I was homeless in, uh, Oakland for a little bit. And then I went to Berkeley. I was almost there. I got jumped. And, uh. Then I said, you know, it's time to go. And so I was no longer allowed at rehabs because my insurance company said we've had enough. So I had to start going to county funded programs. I went to the New Bridge Foundation for about seven months. I was once again kicked out of that one as well for not following the rules. But I had seven months sober, and I knew I wasn't going to use again. So what I had to do was I spent that night on the street. Then I went into another county funding program, Options. And I stayed there for about five months. Yeah, I've been sober ever since. So, what's it like today? I don't know. Like, I was pretty young when I started coming to AAA and I saw everybody here and I thought, what a bunch of fucking squares. I do not want to do anything that they do. You know, they pay their taxes on time. You know? They honk at somebody and then they, like, ask for forgiveness right away. I do NOT want to, you know... Like,I start using drugs to not do that. I wanted to be like, you know, this like rebel type of dude. And so like what I do today, like I just still, you don't kind of do my thing. I just do it sober. And that's been extremely important for me to like discover in this program is that I don't, you Know, I'm sober and I can be like whatever I want to be in life. And that'S been a really powerful thing for me. Like I said, I do the steps begrudgingly, but you know I don't really put a lot of faith in the steps or step work, honestly. I'm agnostic. I struggle with higher power. I struggle mit a lot o f like the powerlessness ideas. And so what I've done is that I just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. So when people tell me, oh, you should do the steps, even though I don' t think they work, I still do them. Even though I d'nt like praying, I stil l pray just because it's like showing to myself, look, I'm going to do whatever it takes. So yeah, I mean, I've kind of a � my life today, I know I'm broke all the time. I don't know about this nine-step promise about fear from financial insecurity. I don' t really believe � I don''t have any faith that we'll ever leave at this point. Um, but I'm just like really happy in my life and that's crucial. Um, I found like a really amazing job that I got through the program, even though I'm a college dropout, um, I'm a behavioral therapist for children on the autism spectrum. And that has been another amazing thing that this program has given me. Um, that, you know, I'M JUST HAPPY DOING WHATEVER I'M DOING EVERY SINGLE DAY BECAUSE I LOVE GOING TO WORK. YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE HOBBIES THAT I DO AND, UM, YEAH, IT'S GREAT. So, that's all I've got. Hi, I'm Samantha. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to get double-timed. Morgan is timing me and I'm going to time myself. When we hear this go off, it means I need to start getting sober if I haven't yet. Okay. I'm not a drunk. I'm just an alcoholic, my name is Samantha. Hi, Samantha. Gosh, you guys. So I can easily talk for 40 minutes straight, like easily, like if you wanted me to speak for five, but because I was asked to speak for 40 Minutes, like of course I'm really scared that I won't make it to 40 Minuts or it'll be really lopsided. So there's experience, strength, and hope. So do I spend like 10 minutes on experience, 10 minutes on strength, 20 on hope? I don't know. So it'll all come together. So I am going to take a pause and check in with how I feel and invite you guys to do the same thing in silence and to ask yourself if there's anything that you want to get out of the meeting today and just check in With How You're Feeling. And if you don't know the word for How You'RE Feeling, that's okay too. So I'm going to do that and speak when I'm ready. You can just watch me breathe if you want. Okay. So I feel a lot of adrenaline coursing through my body. My mouth feels a little dry. I feel kind of amped up in that way, so I guess it's nervousness, but I also feel kindof an excitement underneath that, like a sense of opportunity. And what I want to do is tell the truth. I want to tell the truth, and I would like that to be of service to someone. However, that's not all on me, which is a relief. So what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. Okay, it was really, really bad. I actually want to start with what it was like now for a second and share that in the last month it's been revealed to me by two different people that I have appeared. The first person told me that I appeared in her psychotic episode during her last relapse and that I was there ushering her back into program um and maybe that's my dramatic version of that but basically I was therapy like what are you doing you know in her psychotic episode and then a week ago a newcomer told me that she saw me in her dream after she relapsed you know like as a as a representative stand-in for AA and to me that's pretty amazing because as you'll hear my story, that's insane that I imprinted on someone subconscious enough that when they're having a psychotic episode or having a dream, like they're in their REM state but they think of me as some type of representative of AA. I find that very, very funny. And so, yeah, that'S not I'm not a representative of AAA by the way. I'm a representative of myself, my experience and And yeah, so there we go. So the truth. So I grew up in Oakland, California. We moved to Texas when I was eight and back when I was 14, I went to an all girls Catholic school and was very sheltered during my high school years. I didn't do any drugs other than alcohol once or twice. Alcohol is a drug. So I thought I didn'T do any drags. I wasn'T having sex. I wasn't dating pretty much my whole life was academics and sports and it was very wholesome I also didn't have a license until I was 19 so I was very very sheltered and uh I did well in school I have a lot of people here who showed up for me today I asked you guys to show up because I was worried about sharing for 40 minutes and um and I appreciate that because I don't know, it's interesting when I ask people to come I need to slow down oh, there it is I feel very sad but moved that I was asked to speak today because I've overcome a lot, like with the help of this program. And I'm really humbled by that fact, you know, that you don't have to be perfect. You don't Have to be the best, you could just be good enough. And you can just tell your story. And, and that's enough. And i'm not used to that. Bringing up high school is what my mind association was with suddenly getting the clint um because i was a winner i was such a fucking winner right like i have very very severe adhd like off the charts like i am eligible for social security literally and have been in the process of deciding whether i want to avail myself of that um i'm very narrowly atypical this is part of my story so i'm okay with sharing it even though it's an outside issue um i have basically i have a processing disorder that can be called adhd because that's what's on the books but it's actually so severe that it almost constitutes a separate processing disorder and this i learned through the mental health help that i got after being sober and i learned how severe it was about a year ago so um i take medication for that as well as depression and um I'm learning in sobriety so thankful to be sober but I'm learning in subriety how to get right sized around what my mental health issues are because I can both use that to completely separate myself from other people like oh my god I have this thing that's like not even ADHD it's like so much worse than that oh my God woe is me or I should never try to work again I should never trying to contribute to society I should go do drugs and live under a bridge you know like I have that side and then I have the side that's like you can do anything Samantha you're an insane genius like why don't you go do that and save the world and become the first female president and like somewhere in between is the actual truth and I don't have a sense of what that truth is without other people there and without my higher power so I go back to high school so I had nearly straight A's um I was very sheltered, I was protected from the severity of my condition in part because I have above average intelligence. But I also had everything taken care of for me. So I wore uniforms. All I had to do was roll out of bed, put on some clothes, go to school. I didn't have choices to make in that regard. I did not work. My mom drove me everywhere. I had a friend who when I forgot things which was constantly I could call up and she would just tell me what the assignments were you know and I was smart enough to to succeed but the showing up part like the having everything ready part was always difficult but I had um almost codependent relationships with people to to protect me from that so I was raised to believe hi it's my sponsor I was raised to believe that I could do anything, you know. And for the most part, I did do a lot. You know, like I said, I got almost straight A's. I did basketball. I did musical theater. I took voice lessons. I had this bright future ahead of me. But I remember getting drunk, really drunk when I was about 17. And I invited all the girls who were in my friendship circle over. And, um, my parents had gone out of the country and I thought, what are they? I want to be bad. Like, what do they do in the movies? Right. That's bad. What would, what would give me a sense of normalcy? So it's like drinking, you know, I didn't really like drinking very much, but I thought let's do that. So my friends were game. We got a fake ID. Do I know? We got a fake idea, went to a liquor store in the hood, came back up to the Oakland Hills and proceeded to get shit faced. At least I'm pretty sure everyone else got shit faced but my perception of that might have been off because I was really shit face so in the course of uh that night um I remember like shitting myself confessing to a same-sex curiosity about one of my friends in the friendship circle and like screaming very loudly for a reason I couldn't tell you why I just remember like prime primal screaming um One, two, three. Oh yeah. And then also my friend had to put me to bed, one of my friends. And then one of the friends I had in that friendship circle decided to not be my friend anymore, which I said that's because she was like homophobic because of the thing with the other girl. But really it's because I'm an alcoholic and I scared her that badly. So that's one of things I've been able to see since getting sober. So that's like one of the milder examples of what getting drunk does for me. So I'm going to fast forward and give you just another taste of that. So, but not yet because I have ADHD and I'm scattered and I're nervous. So let me focus on that for just another minute to share with you guys what I was thinking during that. I was given an assignment by my sponsor to go back in my drinking and using history and define like not just what happened on the outside, but what I Was Thinking. Um, and what I could tell you I was thinking would be something like, because I'm reconstructing it, right? Something like, I want to be out of control. I want it to be normal. I want someone to listen to me. And I want people to listen. I want them to stop thinking. and what I realize now is those other people who I was getting drunk with were likely not having thoughts like that they were likely wanting to have some fun or just get drunk right but they weren't on this unless one of them shows up in program and then you know welcome but um they weren't having what I just framed to you guys it's like kind of an existential crisis or angst or whatever that was, I was having that. And I realize now that that's because I'm an alcoholic, you know? Other people drink for fun, but they don't drink for escape or they don'T drink out of obsession or compulsion. They DON'T drink if they DON'T like drinking. I DON'T even like how alcohol makes me feel, you KNOW, which is ironic. so that's some of what it was like those are the types of thoughts that I was having during one of more mild incidents but I want to fast forward to one of what one of my bottoms was and I might cry and I accept that ahead of time okay good okay so fast forward so I didn't drink or use between 17 in college really much. But once I got to college, I had incidents where I didn't drink every day, but I would go to a party that I heard about like through Facebook, like not a friend. You know, I'd go to the party where I barely knew people. I'd go straight to the liquor. I get really drunk. I might just go home and pout because people didn't pay enough attention to me. But I might also embarrass myself. Yeah, that happened a few times I might embarrass myself and just feel totally alienated um I remember going home with uh someone I was friends with or she was like helping me to get home because it was time to leave and I wouldn't leave oh I would do that too I would just like not leave parties because I was so lonely um and I remember talking to her and being like do you know when you do that thing I was really high really jump like you know you do that thing where you're in a group and it's like, you can tell that people are talking about you but they don't want you to know that they're talking about your, they're looking at you. They don't wanna talk about you and they don'y want you to know that's a robot for you but they do not necessarily like you and I was like going on this whole thing and I remember looking at her and her eyes were welling up with tears and I used to think she was a really good actress so I went to theater school, big deal um and she she um I used to think oh it's because she's such an amazing actress like she's so present and available and then later I considered the fact that like my story was full of that pathos like and kind of that pathetic which is pathos makes pathetic latin root anyway um like that pathetic that sad that she was actually crying you know because I did not have the skills to connect with people I mean that's that's the bottom line you know um okay so fast forward to one of my worst bottoms so um after I graduate college we'll get there after I graduate college I stopped taking my medication um I started thinking maybe ADD wasn't real and I started reading some books and I was like fuck the world I can do whatever I want even though i hadn't performed very well academically i did a shit ton of plays i never was asked to act with the same director twice which is i realize now like maybe that wasn't your acting but maybe that's because you couldn't connect with people and like you had that whole social connection boundaries it's all about you thing that's a problem um so i didn't feel good about myself on the inside and i somehow thought stopping my medication and pretending like I was other people would fix that. And so within a year, I became hooked on marijuana. Like I was a drug addict with marijuana, but I was in denial about it. I went to my first AA meeting after a co-worker broke their anonymity and tried to get me to work that program and I didn't. so fast forward. So, okay. Started with the weed addiction first AA meeting. Um, over the course of six years, tried a therapist who was like, maybe it's the marijuana. No, you know, maybe you need to go to rehab. I went to rehab, I left early because I wasn't on any harder drugs. You know, I, um, I went through, yeah, but again, I got kicked out. No. I left this time. I left again, same rehab. I decided to move into a homeless shelter because I am insane because I intuitively knew people there would have worse problems than me and I'll just get hired. I'll get a job, you know, and I'm going to be able to smoke weed. So I ended up, um, I ended up getting a job as a stripper, um because I knew that, you know I could get away with doing drugs and basically within a year or two I was on meth and I was homeless so this is not the bottom yet this is leading to it so uh before we get to some help which we will get there um I ended up so I'm in and out of rehab I ended up Homeless in Golden Gate Park. I was there for a few days in the area, and I ended up going off with a man who was soliciting me and did not plan to have this day, guys. Came up to me, basically solicited me. We went and he shot me up in exchange for my body. And I remember thinking, trigger alert guy, you can handle it, talk to your sponsor. Basically when it comes to the thoughts that I was thinking, this is what I want to share with you guys and hear myself say it. As he was getting me ready, I looked away when he was injecting me. And I remember having the thought, like, you should look, you should make sure it's clean. And remember having the thought that if I get HIV, I deserve this. Now, that is not normal. That's not healthy. And that's not normal. And I had to really grieve that thought, the fact that I had that thought like a few weeks ago when my sponsor asked me to do that step work. And I thought that that was the worst but like I said I can 17 minutes um I can look back in my history and see that that Was a thought that just got that bad that grew from that basic just teenage angst and loneliness that was just I want someone to listen to me you know I I want to stop thinking so much I want To be normal went from that to I would deserve it if I got a life-threatening illness. And I'm not even going to do the work required of turning my head to ensure that maybe that doesn't happen, you know? So that's what my alcoholism looks like. That's what my addiction looks like, and today is a lot better. But the reason why I bring that up is because I still have access to that dark side. It's there for me as soon as I take a drink or a drug it is there for me you know and I don't think I present like that most of the time you know um I'm a pretty extroverted person I like to be around people I'm not uh too introverted or moody I mean I have my moments but that's not like I wouldn't say that's how I am all the time but for that specific reason that's why I need to speak up and share that I have had thoughts like that and that I know I can in sobriety when it gets really dark because we're all the same. I mean, I, that's the disease. It's not me, but it is the disease, you know? It wants me dead and I believe that. So I want to start talking about other things. So, um, okay. So four years ago, I got a sponsor. So this is six years after being exposed to AA. Um, I Got a Sponsor for the first time and I worked the steps by the grace of God. And I got better. Um, I've been sober for four years. I've Been through, I think four or five sponsors now. Um I've always had a sponsor whether I was getting along with that person or not, you know, um, I had one and I recommend But if you're new, please avail yourself of one. You don't have to let it get that bad. That's another thing. You know, if you are here and you haven't had that shit happen, that is actually really great. That is good. That means you love yourself. You don' t have to wait until it gets worse. And the truth is, if your here, it probably like is that bad already on the inside. Even if it is wearing different clothes. I want to say that because it has only been since working the steps that I look back and I realize how much I was hurting and that I get to catch up with my own feelings and, like, cry over it now safely, you know, which is part of the healing process. So four years ago, I got sober. My parents took me in after I was kicked out of my last treatment center for the second time. They let me stay with them even though I relapsed a couple times and I went to the dark side again. But what I originally wanted to share is that I actually have their trust in a way that I didn't before. And that's a really beautiful thing. You know, I was able to ask my sister who passed of cancer. I have three siblings. One of them passed about a year ago. I was unable to ask that particular sister for forgiveness and to make amends for the way I treated her when I was drinking and using. and i'm so grateful for that because without that i wouldn't i don't know if i would be able to stay sober with that hanging over my head and her dying of cancer and like me this addict who went through all alcoholic i use that interchangeably who went through all of that who put myself through all of that came from the oakland hills and had private school and all this and ending up like under a bridge and prostituting myself like i was not feeling okay about all that shit, you guys. And to have my sister with an angel tell me that all she wanted me to do is to stay sober and forgive me like that is really beautiful and is one of the gifts of this program. I don't know what your guy's miracle is going to look like, but that was a miracle for me. That's one of them. The other thing I want to share is that I had... I had another instance where I was working on my fourth step work and I was missing a boyfriend who was on that fourth step, an ex. And I was in a part of Oakland where they, you know, Oakland's big. I was on a part where they normally aren't and that I'd never actually been before. and I was sad after writing the fourth step and looking at my part with him and I'm like, I was with a friend and I Was like, you know pouting and she said She's like what's wrong? And I was like I miss and I said his name out loud and then from across the street I hear did you say and it's his name and he starts to walk up to me and I reaches in the car and I go go go and she like drove off To me that's a miracle because that guy wasn't good for me you know he sold drugs he wanted to cheat on his current girlfriend with me like and this is the person like five seconds before I was so sad for it and then seriously wasn't my thought was maybe a higher power thought I think that got me the out of there um that's a miracle it's a little more light-hearted um about two months ago three months ago I showed up to a dance workshop and there was an audition for a fashion show um at the workshop and I wasn't planning to do it and I told my dance teacher who was there like oh I would do it but I don't have the right shoes all the women were wearing black and high heels and she's like just do it you know so she pushed I wanted to but I wouldn't have admitted it so she push me you know into doing it I didn't have the right heels you know I was wearing like tennies or something like something not unlike what I'm wearing now and then it turns out I wear 11 and a half follow me people it's going to make sense I wear eleven and a Half which is very large and atypical for a woman and not easy to fit and my male dance teacher who has done drag had shoes big enough to fit my feet so he went and got the shoes suddenly I have high heels turns out i had an extra change of black clothes and i ended up getting cats to model in the Bay's biggest hair and fashion show pop-up mall. Like I did not plan that. I might've wanted that, but I would have gotten in my own way if anything had turned out differently, if I hadn't shown up late and overpacked my clothes because I didn't have time to decide what to wear. If my dance teacher hadn't encouraged me, if my other dance teacher didn't have the shoes I wouldn't do it like what is that you know I don't know what that is now some people might think that's self-centered for me to be like it was God it was Jesus he wanted me to model you know but that's okay for you to think that because I feel really good thinking that maybe it's because someone was being nice to me you know like I feel like God was being really nice tome that day um that's one of the cool things that happened um I uh was kicked out of my previous housing situation. And because I've been homeless and because I have, you know, that insecure side, I was totally wrecked. I felt like I might drink or use. I thought something's wrong with me. Like they don't want me to live with them. And this is an example of something that was turned to good because I ended up now I'm living alone in a beautiful apartment that I'm getting help with from my parents, which is one of the things that the previous roommates like teased me over it was stupid but basically they were willing to help me live in a nicer place and alone because of that shit that happened at the former place and then I realized since being away from them that like they're all sick they were all smoking weed and doing drugs and I didn't even realize like how much that affected their perception of me or me of them so um the nine-step promises so one of the promises in the nine step promises is that we will suddenly realize God is doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. So for me, all of those things that I shared with you are examples of things that can happen if you stay sober, you know? And you don't have to believe in God. I get it. Like, if you don'T believe in God, that's fine. I get It. I read Bertrand Russell, the philosopher, and I used to be a fucking atheist and blah, blah, blah. And I was talking about God and all that shit when I was underneath the bridge. Ten minutes? Jeez. and frankly, that's all it got me. That's all that got me not believing in God and being stubborn and even not God love like the benevolent forces in the universe that want to help you, that want you to stop doing drugs and alcohol, like come to this side, come to this side. It was there all the time, and I just said no until those things happened that I told you guys about. And I'm one of the lucky ones. A lot of us end up with diseases or dead or killing ourselves or other people. So I consider myself fortunate that that didn't have to happen. All of that other stuff that happened, it hurts. But truthfully, I'm grateful. I'm thankful because that's what it took for me to realize that I don't got this on my own. okay so i want to talk about the second step oh that felt good telling the truth feels good today segue to the first step so the first steps which precedes the second steps is admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable my current sponsor has pointed out to me that there although we read the ninth step promises in the meeting, so when people say promises, they associate that with the ninth steps. There's actually promises for every step. And if you read the big book or the 12 and 12 and mine, you can see promises embedded in them. One of the promises of the first step, according to Samantha, because my sponsor made me do my own mining even though I wanted to google it or have her tell me what it was um according to the first step is that you'll see a connection between honesty and strength so for me to admit that I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict same thing um and not be afraid of that and see that to to break past the denial that put me in those situations that I told you guys about um to me is a miracle and is a promise that has been fulfilled. Not only just the unmanageability of the drugs and alcohol, but of the horrible things that happened. I'm able to say that and I know I'm going to be okay. Like I know it might feel a little uncomfortable to admit these things, but I know like after this meeting, Leah's going to hug me. Rachel's going to hug you. You're going to have me hugs from other people as well are welcome. You know, I, I'm gonna be okay because I have people to hold me and support me, but also because I'm not as insecure as I used to be. I'd rather tell the truth and live than lie to myself and lose my life or self-respect. That's a promise. Second step is what I wanted to talk about before stopping. Second step, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So there's a few in here. One is, and please do read the literature. Don't just take my word for it. I'm doing my best in paraphrasing, but one of the promises of step two is the most obvious, that you'll come to believe in a power greater than yourself. Another is that sanity is possible, and not only is it possible, but it is for you. Like, sanity is an option for me today, and I believe that. It makes me want to laugh, like, especially after sharing all that shit, but, like... I, too, can be sane, you know? I mean, I am sane. This is a sane version of me, guys. And I believe that it can get better. That's what I'm promised in the second step, and that's happening. But here's another promise that people don't talk about in the second step. It's that you'll relax. So yeah, literally, guys, so page 26. Okay, page 26, second paragraph of 12 Steps, 12 Traditions. well says the newcomer i know you're telling me the truth it's no doubt a fact that aa is full of people who once believed as i do but just how in these circumstances does a fellow take it easy that's what i want to know and this is to a newcomer who's like i don't believe in god how can aa be for me i know i'm an alcoholic but god that agrees says this uh that take two agrees the sponsor, is a very good question indeed. I can tell you exactly how to relax. You won't have to work at it very hard either. Thank you. Listen if you will to these three statements. First, Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that you believe anything. All of its 12 steps are but suggestions. Second, to get sober and to stay sober, you don't have to swallow all of step two right now. Looking back, I find that I took it piecemeal myself. Third, all you really need is a truly open mind. Here are where the directions come in. Just resign from the debating society and quit bothering yourself. Quit bothering yourself, bothering is the word they use, yourself with such deep questions as whether it was the hen or the egg that came first. Again, I say all you need is the open mind. So this is such a terrible demand to ask of an alcoholic, but it's saying if you don't think so much, if you Don't Ask the Deep Question, you'll feel better. You'll relax. And that has come true for me. It's not that I don't ask the deep questions per se. I think about race all the time, and gender and my place in society. I'm so deep, but I don't necessarily think of that as like a sign of being deep anymore. I think of it as I'm just inclined to ruminate and that that can be quite a beautiful gift, but that can also become very dark very quickly when I'm taking the problems of the entire world on my shoulders. So the fact that someone like me is able to relax is able to be like, hmm, I don't know if God exists or not. But I don' t have to find the answer. I'm going to set that over here. I'm gonna come into AA, work these steps and see what happens. That's a miracle. And the other miracle which I can honestly, you know, this is true for me is I really am starting to believe in God. And I'm happy. Good for me. Good for AA. And I love you guys. Thanks for listening. to donate links. Thank you very much.