The Honesty That Breaks Past Denial – Sam S.

About This Speaker Tape

A concussion from a gang of middle schoolers on BMX bikes in People's Park serves as the final straw for Samantha S. Her wreckage is a blur of doctor-shopping for Xanax in rehabs shoving pills up her backside to smuggle them into detox and a descent from the Oakland Hills to prostituting herself for heroin and meth. She speaks candidly about the dark internal dialogue of addiction—the belief that she deserved a life-threatening illness—and the struggle of an agnostic mind trying to fit into a world of 'squares.' Change arrives through a begrudging commitment to the steps and a series of strange coincidences from a chance encounter with a toxic ex to a sudden opportunity to model in a fashion show.

Now a behavioral therapist for children with autism she navigates the tension between her severe ADHD and a newfound ability to simply relax.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 The 'bottom': getting jumped by middle schoolers in People's Park.
• 3:15 Laughter: Anecdote about smuggling Xanax into detox via her backside.
• 6:20 Discussion on being an agnostic and doing the steps begrudgingly.
• 10:15 Reflection on the 'adrenaline' and nervousness of speaking.
• 15:40 Analysis of the 'primal screaming' and social alienation during a teenage drinking binge.
• 22:10 Raw account of prostituting herself for drugs and the thought that she deserved HIV.
• 28:30 The miracle of making amends to a sister who passed away from cancer.
• 33:10 A light-hearted story about modeling in a fashion show using drag shoes.
• 38:45 Detailed exploration of Step 1 and the connection between honesty and strength.
• 42:10 Deep dive into Step 2 and the 12 and 12 text regarding the 'debating society'.