The Honest Truth About Being an A**hole – Bruce A.

Hi, everybody. My name is Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Bruce! Thanks. I needed that. I'm very nervous, but my first thought is I've always wanted to do this. When I first went to my first convention, the only thing is it wasn't planned for today. I really wanted to do this after maybe 30 years of sobriety or something. But God works in strange ways and my sponsor told me in the beginning, you don't say no. And it was really hard for me last night to say yes. But I'm very grateful because I know this is what I need to stay sober. I'm up here because I'm an alcoholic and not because you are an alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 14th of 82. Now, I know I don't say that to impress you, but it tells me that this program has done for me what I couldn't do for myself. I couldn'T go a day at a time without a drink. I was born in Lansing, Michigan in 1944, and I live in McHenry, Illinois now. I remember the first time I did a four-step, went back a few years, thought that was the end of it, it was all over. People kept telling me I would probably do another one, and I had to keep digging until I got it all out. So to start my story, I have to go back as far as I can remember. And that's when I was about four years old. I don't remember anything before then. Four years was very big in my life. My dad and mother separated, divorced. First, my dad took me and we lived with my grandparents. So I didn't know my mother. I loved my grandparents and I didn' t understand anything about that separation and divorce. My grandfather, I loved him. I loved he dearly. He was always good to me. He gave me my little red wagon and my little scooter. He'd come home drunk, and he'd give me a silver dollar, and he was my hero. I loved him very much, and also my grandmother, who I thought at the time was a very religious person. She went to church two or three times a week, and I went with her and felt good, and it was good. My grandfather went with us, but he was still my idol. You know, he drank hard, but he always worked. He always provided for the family, so I looked up to him. My dad was always talking about my mother, you know, and the bad things. I never heard anything good about her, and I'd never seen her, never seen a picture of her. But I do remember her coming to see me the first six months of the divorce, And then eventually she just stripped it off. Eventually my dad remarried and I had a stepmother. I resented that instantly. I didn't like her at all, and I grew to hate her. I remember my first drink. I don't know why, but I do. My dad didn't drink. He would maybe have two bottles of beer once a year. He'd go down to the store, buy a couple beers, maybe drink one, maybe leave the other one six months. But at some age, around seven or eight years old, he opened a bottle of beer and I asked him if I could taste it. He said yes. And I took the bottle and I started guzzling the beer. And I'll never forget, He jerked the beer out of my hand, and he hollered at me. And he told me I wasn't going to be any good. He told me that I was just like my mother. And I believed him. I didn't turn on my mother, I turned on my dad. But I liked that taste of beer from day one. I loved it. I think from probably there on, I was looking for my next drink. I'm not going to analyze that, but that's how I felt about it. And when I did get a hold of drinks, no matter what it was, I always liked it. I didn't like myself. I was a skinny little runt. And I didn'T have a mother and, you know, poor Bruce. And I went on down life believing that. And I also believed I wasn't any good. My dad told me so, and my dad should have been right, you Know? I was taught that my dad was always right. So I continued to find this alcohol wherever it may be. And every time I drank, I don't remember it ever being different. Every time I drink, I felt better. I felt bigger, stronger. I could look at people and talk to them, and I wasn't nervous like I am today. so I continued to drink real you know when you're 10, 12 years old you don't drink every day because you don' have the opportunity or the money but I went to church with my grandparents for a long time and at one point I wanted to be a minister so I finally had private lessons to be a minister I think they want to turn it up a little or I'm a little too far away so I studied the Bible I knew the Bible from Genesis to Revelation I knew all about the words and I could quote the books of the Bible and tell you the dispensations of time I really knew it all and I'd go to church but I always felt sorry for myself because I'd walk to church by myself three or four blocks and the other people would be passing in cars. They'd have their brothers and sisters and mothers and dads in the car. And I used to even go behind houses so somebody wouldn't see me walking because I felt different. I felt different. Eventually I started doing little things that didn't make much sense, things that the church frowned on And I also was taught that my God was a punishing God. So I kept playing around both sides of the road. I would go to church on Sunday, and I'd come home and do things different. I remember the minister talking to my dad one day, and my dad said, I will never go over there where there's a bunch of hypocrites. And I'll never forget the minister saying, There's always room for one more hypocrite. Eventually I got in some police trouble, small stuff. But I continued to drink. I remember that the ninth grade we had a graduation going into high school. Not realizing at that time that booze was more important than anything else. And I had a date to take this girl to the prom. And I actually stood her up because I was out in the park drinking. You know, I never realized how bad I hurt that girl. I didn't realize how bad I had hurt her parents. But that's what booze did to me. It was more important than anything. Eventually I had to quit church because my name was in the newspaper and I didn' t think that those people would ever forgive me or God. So at a very early age I decided to go the other road. I knew both roads. I knew that there was two roads, but I didn't think I was that type of person. I was a bad person. So I continued to drink. Nobody could tell me what to do. The minister, the principal, the assistant principal, the police, the lawyers and doctors, and judges. I always had the answer. Eventually I got in some very serious trouble around 20 years old And, of course, my drinking had a lot to do with that. At that time I didn't realize it did. And I thought the whole world was against me. I had a couple felonies looking at me with 14 years each. And I remember, I can really relate to ego because I remember the bank president sitting in the detective's office saying we will drop the charges if you will only admit that you did them. I wouldn't admit them. I went to jail because I wouldn' t be honest. So I went through that process of going through the court system. But I continued to drink as soon as I got out of there. I was looking at, like I said, two felonies, 14 years apiece, and I spent nine months in maximum security. and at one point in that time my eyes opened up one morning as the guys were scuffing their feet across to the hole in the door for their tray I said to myself you know, I'm not one of these people I'm this bad but the detective told me that morning your words don't mean nothing it's your actions and I've got them down on paper and you've been leading this life and this is where it ends you up. Through the grace of God, the morning that I was sentenced, the judge happened to be a neighbor of a lawyer that went to church where I did and he ran into my aunt and at the time, it was five minutes or so before my sentence, that my aunt talked to the lawyer about this and he went in and talked to the judge and they changed the sentence. It was two and a half to fourteen and they gave me five years probation. I thought I just had another break, you know. I didn't know anything about God being in my life and I'll never forget getting out of there. The first place I stopped was a liquor store and I got a twelve pack but I was convinced of one thing I wasn't ever going to do anything like that again. I wasn'T going to rob, cheat or steal. And I didn'T. But I was still dishonest. And I was STILL an alcoholic, even though I DIDN'T know it. Eventually got married. Beautiful girl. Blonde, all-American. Didn'T smoke, drink or cuss. That's exactly what my grandmother wanted. I was taught, you know. We eventually had a child, beautiful little girl I remember it took me four days to get back to work Because I was drunk the whole time she was born My wife was sitting in the hospital in Chicago And there were no relatives except me And I was out on the street But that's what alcohol was doing It was hurting the lives of others around me never had a job more than two years at a time never lived in any place more than two years never lived one town more than 2 years at the time but I remember going back to Michigan every once in a while and I'd always I wouldn't see these people for 5-6 years and I go they'd still live in the same house, same wife, same kids same job something was trying to tell me these people were getting old they weren't doing anything exciting my probation didn't last very long I walked I left the state of Michigan so I had to drink different because after I left I found out what happens when you do leave you get two and a half to fourteen when you go back so for 10 years I didn't drive a car didn't have a driver's license but I changed my drinking I drank in the back of the bars and I drank with my never with my back to the door my favorite program I'll never forget it was The Fugitive I think it was on Thursday nights and the only time I ever cried was on that show every Thursday night I made sure if it was, if I was even in the Sears lobby, I would make sure I saw that show. And I could feel his feelings and I would cry. Today I realize that was self-pity. Poor me. After ten years, I figured they'd forgot about me. They quit looking for me. Then I got real brave and I got a driver's license. Didn't went right through the system. I crossed the state line a couple of times, no problem. Thought they had forgot. One day I was going through a town in the middle of the night. My headlight was out and they stopped me. The officer even said, I'm sorry I stopped you because there seems to be a problem in Ingham County and now I can't let you go. I'm so glad he stopped me. I'm so glad God was there that night. I didn't have to run no more. I didn' t have to watch the phone, watch the door. Eventually that happened all over again because I was a drinker and I was an alcoholic and after a while I couldn't answer the door or answer the phone always looking over my shoulder. It took about six months of being locked up again before they would cut me loose completely and then I knew I could drink normal. I didn't have to watch how much I drank or how far away from home and so I really let go with it. Of course, things in my life outside of drinking good wasn't good and I eventually left my wife and daughter of four years old in Michigan. Nice home, ten acres land, captain on the fire department, manager of the biggest store in town and one night I just walked that I couldn't handle success. I couldn' t handle things when things were good. I didn' t see my wife again for six years. I didn't see my daughter again for six years, and in two weeks I was washing dishes down at Mad Igler's Casino in Chicago for $10.50 a day with a suitcase and living in Hawaii. I still couldn' T figure it out. Eventually, I met this other girl that was working the same place. We got together. We lived together. I still wasn't divorced. She was a totally different woman than the first one. She was like, she was a fighter. She tried to drink alongside of me for a long time. Couldn't handle it. She had three kids, was divorced. Her husband died of cirrhosis at 32. A lot of principles of my life went out the window as I continued to drink. Some of the principles was that I would never marry a Catholic, a divorcee, a woman with three kids. A Polack or a redhead. and they ended up to all being one and that's the one I got. So I'll never say never anymore. Eventually my wife got very sick and she will agree with you today that she was sick when she met me but we sure got sick alongside of each other a lot worse. She cut her wrist one night I went to see her the next morning in the hospital and I had the answer I know what's wrong we've got to get married so we went to Florida sat there five days until my divorce was final and I got married the next day it was downhill from there got in a fight the first night we were married I came back to Chicago, and I knew that I had lost my family, so I had a new one. And I knew what I was going to do this time. I was gonna teach them how to be a family. And those three kids, I bought them all a TV and put them in each room and says, call me when you need me or don't come out till I want you. And that's how we lived. We lived in our own bedroom with a TV. each of us. Real sick unit. Eventually we bought a home up in Winter Lake, Illinois and had a couple snowmobiles, a couple cars in the garage. Everything was great again. And then I would drink a little more. When I would get in those little bottoms, I'd back off. I didn't have to drink every morning. I wasn't an alcoholic. You know, I didn' t have to drink every day and I didn''t drink on the job so I couldn' t possibly be an alcoholic I remember I filed for divorce My wife had to get a lawyer I remember my stepdaughter saying why. This is what Bruce has always wanted, a nice home, family, snowmobiles, cars. Why does he want to throw this away? Well, eventually I talked to my wife's lawyer. He said he wanted to talk to me. And he told me, he says, you know, this is off the cuff. I represent on her. So if you bring this in court, I will deny even talk to you. He says, I understand why you drink. He said, I'd drink too if I was married to her. Very unemotional person. But he says,I've dealt with a couple cases like this and I've seen where it worked out only if you love her. Okay. He gave me a card of a psychiatrist and he says when you get a chance, hand her this card. See if she can get some help. Well, I couldn't wait for that, you know. I made sure that I told her who gave it to me and that it was her lawyer and he even thought she was nuts. She went about three times. About the third time she come home, and she says, the guy can't help me anymore unless you go there to answer a few questions to help me, to help her. Well, being an alcoholic, I wanted to help, so I went right over there. While I was waiting, he says, fill out this little form. It had ten questions on it. It said something to do with booze, and I thought, well, these suckers they're trying to con me. They're trying to tell me that this marriage isn't working because of alcohol. So I figured that out. I was real smart. I answered yes and no, and yes and no. I figured 50-50 would be pretty good. Found out that if you answer two no's, you are. When I went into his office. I asked him two questions. I says, am I having a nervous breakdown or is my wife nuts? He says, no, you're not having a nervous breakdown. You could have and your wife is not nuts. She needs a little help. Then he rolled his chair over to me, and he looked over his glasses, and he says, but you're an alcoholic. And he says there ain't a thing I can do for you unless you go to Alcoholics Anonymous. He says, I don't want your money. I don' t take people's money like that. Well, I sort of crawled out of there, and I figured You know, that's his opinion. And I went nine more months out there trying to prove him wrong. In the meantime, my wife, she got real squirrely. She found a program called Al-Anon, and things began to change around the house. There was stuff all over the refrigerator, and there was notes all over the table and she was beginning to smile and laugh and getting phone calls day and night. I knew something was wrong. I backed out of the driveway one morning, go down to the nearest bar, and she wasn't standing in the driveway giving me the finger. And I thought, something's up. She either don't love me or she's got a boyfriend. Now that makes sense because of all those phone calls. She'd get a phone call and then leave. So I had it all figured out, you know, being a good kind. Next time she had a phone call, I followed her. I followed er about eight miles at that time from Wonder Lake to McHenry, and she went into a donut shop. And I thought, well, that's where they meet. And I walked in, and I sat right next to her, and looked at her, and I said, now we're going to find out what you're really doing. And here comes this little old girl, and that's who she was going to meet. Well, I couldn't quite understand that, but I sort of crawled out of there too. That morning that I left the home, I had my bags packed. I didn't want to go, but I told her I was going, so I had to go. I didn'T want to GO. And she DIDN'T stand behind that car. She DIDN't pull me away from that door. She says, if you've got to do it, you've GOT TO DO WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO do. and when I backed out of that drive I knew I was wrong I knew I was in trouble I knew I couldn't stand on my own two feet I still had a job I figured that was good enough so I drove myself to a motel and checked in it wasn't too far from work that first week I'll never forget I bought some cokes and I bought a newspaper and I turned that TV on after work and I laid across that bed and thought boy everything's okay now my problems are solved no worries no bills no family I did that till Friday and I did it every Friday for three or four weeks and it worked real good. That last week come Friday when I went to work also I always worked afternoons. For 24 years I'd never had a day job. I work days now. I'd ever seen the sun come up unless I was coming home. But I went to work that Friday telling myself, I've really taken care of this situation. I've done good. And I know what I'm going to do after work. I'm gone now. I'm gonna get laid and I'm gonna get drunk. Went down to Mannheim Road. That's the place to do it. I sat on a bar stool right where I could find the dance floor, and I had a beer. I had my seats turned where I Could watch the dance Floor, and the bar was behind me. I hadn't quite Drank that whole beer, and i swung around and i said to myself, I'm already drunk I had totally lost it One beer I was drunk Of course, I hadn't eaten in about a week I don't know how many I had after that That was my last drunk I was too drunk to get to my motel So I got one across the street The guy must have seen me coming because he rented me the biggest room he had. It had a kitchen and a bedroom and TV and everything. And I woke up that morning. I was on the couch and the TV was still on even though there wasn't anything on there. A big jumbo jet was going over landing at O'Hare. And I never had that feeling in my life. I was full of I had no hope I didn't think I was going to make it another hour I drove to the other motel and the depression just set right in three thoughts came across my mind another drink the river across the street or pick up a phone and call AA. I'll always be grateful to Al-Anon because that third choice I got from the program of Al-A-Nan by knowing that there was an option other than suicide or a drink. I must have wanted it. There wasn't even a phone book in there and I didn't want to call the operator at the motel and ask them for Alcoholics Anonymous. So I walked next door to a restaurant and they had a mammoth phone book in there. Now I know why AA is AA because it's on the first page, even a dummy can find this. It's on first page usually, the first one and I found it and I called Chicago and they told me, well we'll come and get you and I said no that's okay, I got a car I was too proud. I didn't need too much help. I went to my first meeting in Mount Prospect. I was scared. I didn' t think I was going to make it until midnight. It was a big meeting. I don' t know. Father Leo must have been speaking that day because the church was jammed. But they asked if there was anybody there for the first time. and I raised my hand five other guys got up and they said come with me and I thought holy shit what kind of trouble am I in now they took me to this room and they sat down I'll never forget that one gentleman he was a young guy maybe 25 he had a hole in his Levi's and I though he'll never make it he'll ever make it I always judged the book by its cover. Found out later he was sober eight years. They started telling their story. First thought was my wife told them what I've been doing. Second thought was she didn't know where I was because I didn't knew where I would be. So I listened. Those five guys had lived with me for a long time. They lived with me for a long time. I was thoroughly convinced at that meeting I was an alcoholic. I was convinced before I got here I didn't have the answers. If I would have had one more answer, I wouldn't have been here. If I thought the moose or elk or anything else could have made it, I wouldn' t have been there. I ran out of answers. That was my last shot right here. and the people didn't holler at me they didn't tell me what to do they told me how they stayed sober see I wanted I wanted not to drink but I did not know how not to and after the meeting this one gentleman whose name is Wally I love him he's from Barrington I still call him on my anniversary he took me to coffee at a family restaurant I had never been in a family restaurant. And I thought, you know, what does this guy want? He either wants to borrow money or he's gay. That's where I was. You don't do anything for anybody unless there's something in for it for you. And he sat down and he talked to me like a dad. My dad never talked to you like that. He gave me hope. he told me what he had done and I wanted it I wanted he told him this is just for me he told my pussy chocolate bars on the dashboard drink a lot of cokes, put the sugar back in you for a while and I'm not a doctor so I don't recommend that but it worked for me he says call me before you drink, not after and that the phone number means 24 hours a day. It doesn't mean that you decide. And if you think you're bothering me, that's my business. You just call. That's your business and I'll tell you if you're bothered. I went back to that motel that night. Same one I didn't think I was going to make it until midnight. I had a different feeling. I had hope. I knew if I could go on and save my life that night. I never missed a day's work when I was drinking the second day. I missed one. The depression that came in there. But I remember the feeling and what the gentleman had told me that night at the meeting. He says, if you come, you can remember how you felt when you came in here tonight. Remember how you feel when you leave. And if it's just a little bit better, you just keep coming back and it'll get better. Well, I'd go to those meetings and I would feel great when I'd come out of there and it would be for an hour, half hour, two hours. But eventually it would go downhill again with depression. Sorry for myself. So I had to go to a lot of meetings, because I wouldn't ask for any more help than that. I wouldn' use the BOGA first. Could have got me to a LOT of meetings. Then I went blank, just now. the guy promised me also one other thing that that half hour or that hour that I felt when I first left these meetings would eventually happen the whole day he said someday you're going to feel like that first hour you walk out of there all day I wanted that worse than anything they didn't come and get me the house. I had to go get it. They didn't check up on me, not in the beginning. I just...I had to go get him. The guy told me, how bad do you want this? I don't know. What lengths will you go to stay sober? I told him 20 miles is a long ways I got things to do. How long would you...how far would you go for a drink? Okay, I'll go. And I just kept going. Things got better. I wanted to of course move right back into the house that Melanops wouldn't let me. Eventually I did come back and that first year was great. That was the best year of my life. I was on a honeymoon, and it lasted over a year. Everything was terrific. Nothing bothered me. I didn't take care of no responsibilities. I mean, nobody got in my case. I remember what my wife said after that first year, though. She said, you know the only difference between you now and when you drink? You don't drink? You're still an asshole. Now, a year before that I would have probably punched her, but it sort of fit. I hurt a little bit in these rooms, and I finally found out after I started working with them that I had to start changing, that not drinking wasn't enough now, And that if I wanted those promises, I had to work for them. So me and Bruce again, I worked with two of them, one and twelve. And I went on pretty good there for a while. I was meeting people at WEGS, and I was their family counselor and a child psychologist, and whatever it took. And I had them lined up. See, Bruce, you've got the answer. I probably helped a lot of people, but I didn't know anything about 12 Steps. 12 Step's for me. It keeps me sober. I wasn't sober as dry. Went to conventions, by the grace of God. Put a grapevine in our home and I looked up the back one day and we went to a bowl show in Arkansas. It was my first one. More boy rights were speedin'. I loved it. I still love it. I've listened to him a hundred times. I gotta remember his principles over personalities. But I related to him, and that was my first time somebody had told part of my story real close to a hypnotic extreme. And I kept coming, and I kept going to the conventions until things got better. A lot of things have happened to me since I've been sober. I didn't care about nothing before I got here of course I went to therapy and I went counseling and a whole lot of other things including the Alcoholics Anonymous and I can't tell you today whether those things helped me stay sober or not but I'm convinced if I wouldn't have went to Alcoholics Anonymous I wouldn' be here today I had to do what I had to do to get here today I don't have counselors my counselors or my sponsors eventually I had to do a fourth step since you don't have a sponsor it's pretty hard to do one especially if you start looking for all this literature there's 40 different ways of doing it and you don'T know anything about the big book but I did one. I did it with a counselor because that's the only person I trusted. He's the Only One That Really Knew The Truth About Me. I don't recommend this, but I didn't test up with him. It cost me $75. They give a lot cheaper in the alcohol and anonymacy. But I don' t regret that today because it got me to my next one today. It's all people I trust. At one point in the program, I'd switch jobs. The first time in my life I had worked days. All the pluses. Days closer to work, closer to home, better benefits, better retirement, better future. And within a week and a half to two weeks I was going right on the road instead up left to go to work. I didn't want to go to work, I was depressed again. What is this? I don't know if this is going to work or not. One night I went to bed depressed and I woke up worse. The bell rang, you know, I'm in trouble. Taking a shower, I just totally let go emotionally. And my wife walked into the bathroom and she took one look at me and knew it was something. And I said, please, back off. She did. I had a pocket full of numbers, looked at half a hundred of them. But I didn't know how to use them. I hadn't shared my feelings with nobody hardly. I wanted to stay sober, but I was full of fear. And I drove 32 miles to a treatment center and I wanted them to take care of me. And when I walked in, I couldn't even tell the receptionist why I was there. I was so emotional. And four or five hours later with about four or five counselors the bottom line was I wasn't sharing I wasn' t sharing my feelings I wasn''t telling you exactly where I was at. And they told me that a man of my age changing job or losing a relationship or losing a loved one it's normal to be depressed your mourning I didn't know that I thought it was screwed up and I wasn't going to make it of course I didn' t tell another alcoholic that eventually out of all those phone numbers of 175 whatever I had in that book there was only two people in the hall that I could trust that I would give them the numbers they called the one he was there as soon as he could get there. I'll never forget when he walked in the door I looked up at him and he looked down at me and he says did you drink today? And I said no. And he says isn't this how it works? I got through another day without a drink but I had to ask for help. I couldn't do it by myself. I'm here today because I need you people. On that fourth step, I went all the way back as far as I could the first time and eventually did a couple more and then finally got back as far As I can remember who I was mad at. I remember getting into a family tree and the left side was my dad's park. It was filled out. My mother's side was only a blank. It just had her name. Her name was Ginny. I really related to the girl that was up here today. Her name Was Ginny, I loved that name. It was for the rest of the years. Eventually got into a family tree and says, well maybe someday you'll be interested in this. I wasn't interested in it then. But eventually I was curious. I started seeing women thinking this is my mother I was beginning to care about her I started working on that the best I could and it took me two and a half years eventually I found my mother she was down in Florida in a nursing home, Diana cancer I had her phone number for a year but I couldn't call her that's what the counselors told me not to do I had to work around her with the family to get to her and all this time I was sharing this stuff with my fellow alcoholics and it was getting easier I went down there one weekend this was my last shot at seeing my mother and I stood in the receptionist at the nurse's station they had the doctor and the head nurse and the psychologist and they all looked at me and they were all crying and they said are you ready to go see her? She's two doors down. I said well you're ready her husband's ready and I'm ready but we haven't asked her yet. I couldn't believe it. I drove all the way down there not knowing if she was seeing me or not. They said, how do you get through something like this? I said, I don't. I've got a lot of people that help me. I've Got a big family. And the guy upstairs. So they went and asked her. She said yes, and I went in to see her. That's the first time I'd seen my mother in 40 years. There wasn't any crying. I remember that morning I got on my hands and knees and asked God, please control my emotions. Please help me so I won't hurt her. Three and a half hours later, I was back going to Illinois. I didn't realize until I got home that I hadn't even turned the radio on for that whole trip. But the peace and release that I had with that trip, I didn' t get it. God gave me that. It was God's grace that it happened. Due to that trip I found three brothers and two sisters. I hadn't seen since I was four. Made plans to go see his sister in Traverse City, Michigan, and on that weekend, my mother died six weeks later. Tell me there's no God. He kept us both here for over 40 years. My mother was cremated in Florida so there was no services and I was angry One of my sponsors told me he says, you go to Michigan and see your sister She needs you And we mourned our mother Something I couldn't do before I would stuff that Then I'd go back to their grave and bawl for self-pity My grandparents are buried over in Greenfield, Tennessee. I went to see them many times at their grave and I bawled and I wouldn't let nobody see me cry because grown men don't cry. That's what I was taught. John Wayne taught me all I knew as a kid. Today I can cry. Hopefully not for self-pity. For gratitude. This program saved my life. I have a brother now I talk to and send letters to in California one sister died four years before I got there I still have a brother I'm looking for been in the Jackson prison in and out for 23 years but I still want to see him he's been released and he's gone off parole for five years I'm still looking for him I'm not going to project where he's at today he could be one of us this is some of the things that's happened to me since I've been sober I've not been able to tell him that I love him I've never been able to get up here today with the grace of God it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be once you get going. But I can't say no to this program. 10, 11, and 12 for me are not maintenance steps anymore. I don't want to maintain. I want to grow in this program and those are growing steps for me. I'd like to tell you today that everything at home is okay. Not. I know God's telling me something because this wasn't planned to be here I filed for divorce and she got her papers Monday and I've got to tell you this I don't know where that's going to go but I know I can't stay sober through this because I'm an alcoholic but I know I can stay sober with you people in my higher power of all I do trust I trust my God today I don't know what the future is going to hold there but I've got to be more honest and I'm not it's taken me this long to get a little more honest but they tell me this is a lifetime practice and if I practice these friends, but most things will get better. I love you all. I'd like to close with just a little thought, hopefully you've all read it today. I believe that in the spiritual world, as in the material world, there's no empty space as fears and worries and resentments depart out of our life the things of the Spirit come in and to take their places. Calm comes after a storm. As soon as I rid of fears and hate and selfishness, God's love of peace and calm can come in. I pray that I may rid myself of all fears and resentment so that the peace and serenity may take their place. I pray that I make my life clean of evil so that the good is in the context of the address.