The Gift of Desperation That Keeps Her Here – Sandy H.

Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy. I'm an alcoholic. I am touched to be here. This is a lot different than it was the first time I spoke down here. I mean, there was like this many people, maybe. I'm grateful to be asked back. I don't know why I'm starting off crying. Usually I cry in the middle of my talk, but now I'm getting it done and over with, I guess. I appreciate what Marianne said about the concepts and stuff because this month has been kind of hard for me because I've gone away from my home group a lot I've been working a lot I've had an opportunity to speak out of town and had a chance to come down here so I hadn't actually participated in my home group like all month and then Marianne talked about being a participant and all that and I'm going, crap, you know, I hadn'T done that and maybe it's lost or something I don't know but I'm glad to be here with y'all tonight I was talking to my husband on the way down and I said you know I haven't been to a meeting all month he said well you went and spoke I said that's not like a meeting you know I like to listen to other people so Marianne thank you for that I also want to thank the group for an awesome dinner if there was some confusion well here's the deal I have been trying to get my husband to eat at this particular restaurant in town for like four times and every time we come down here it's late when the meeting's over and it's closed so I asked Jennifer I said do you think we could eat at Jasmine's she said sure. And then I didn't know what I, you know, that flyers had been sent out and all that other kind of stuff. And so if anybody's got a resentment, see me after the meeting and I'll make amends, you Know, because that's she, she, that change was made at my request and I am so grateful for that. And, uh, it's good to see some friends here, you knows, some people I hadn't seen in a long time and y'all just touch my heart. Um, I'll get started in a minute. Maybe I didn'T, I didn't come to AA to get sober. You know, I wound up in jail and then some guy I was drinking with said, I know how to get you out of trouble and he signed me up for treatment. Now, I'd never heard of treatment, so I didn'T know where I was going and, you know,I didn't know you could go to treatment drunk. I didn' t know you Could go to Treatment all screwed up. So, I mean, I'm sitting out on the front steps when they picked me up that morning. I mean like I'm ready to go to my first day at school. I got my little suitcase packed. I got My clothes ironed and pressed. I'm just sitting out there smoking a cigarette waiting on the bus. I don't know where I was living. I think it was under a rock, but here I go off to treatment, you know. And in that treatment center, I found out that I had some problems and I didn't realize that I hade the problems that I hade. I thought that I didn' t know that my drinking was problematic. I knew I'd gotten in a lot of trouble behind my drinking. I'd wind up in strange places with strange people and all that kind of stuff. But, I mean, didn't everybody? I mean, everybody I drank with did. If you were going to have a beer, I didn't see the point, all that kind of stuff. So here I am in treatment, and I'm trying to get my job back, and that's the only reason I went to that facility. I didn' t go to get sober. I didn''t go to Get Straight. I went To Keep My Job because at that particular time in my life, my job was totally who I was. And I took a lot of pride in that. My oldest brother tried to get on this particular, to work at this particular place. And he got turned down and I got it, you know. So I'm going, yay me. And I'm losing that, you Know. And it's the first time I'd ever had any money to speak of in my life. And I just knew that if I had enough money, I would be all right. And here I've got this good job and I can't even pay the rent, you Now. They're repossessing vehicles that I have because I'm, You Know, I'm doing other things with my money. And I am drinking and I am partying. and people don't hang out with me because I drink and I party. And, you know, my claim to fame was that I could drink some of those men under the table. I mean, I remember coming off, getting off work and just sitting in a suitcase down and going straight to the bar, and that's when I picked my suitcase up when I got called to go back to work. I mean isn't that what everybody did? I mean that's what everybody that I hung out with did. And so here I am in this treatment center getting to review my life. You know, and there's a lady come in the room. I know that she was probably a nurse, and she asked me, you know, she's got to fill out some papers, and I'm not confessing to anything because I'm looking at going to prison because I got arrested. And this was back before getting busted was fashionable and all that kind of stuff. So I was looking at doing some serious time. I was arrested with two counts of possession with intent to distribute and illegal possession of a firearm and, you now, all this kind of staff. And I wasn't going to tell them that I wasnít sharing or I wasní selling. I mean, this is my personal stash that they got. But they didnít seem to need that information. So, I mean Iím looking at going to prison and here I am in this treatment center because this is the way I can get my job back and itíll look good before the judge. And this lady comes in and she says, ìSandy, you donít ever have to feel the way you feel inside ever again unless you choose to.î Now, I donít know about yíall but Iíve been feeling like crap most of my life. You know, I remember always wanting to be somewhere else and somebody else's body and somebody else's household you know always just that restless irritable and discontent you know the big book talks about it but I didn't know that's what it was I just thought I was crazy you know mama told me I was sorry like my daddy and you know I bought into that and I know that when I started drinking some of that went away and when I started drinking I felt like you looked you know because I come out of the chute six foot tall I think you know and I mean when you're 50 and you're tall. It's nice. I mean, it's nice today, but when you're eight, nine and 10, I mean it sucks because you're always the last one in line and you know, everybody's winking and blinking at the pretty little short girls and I'm just wanting to squish them. You know, I hate them, you know? Because they got all the weight in girl places and I am just like a beanstalk and the only weight I got is in my feet and they look like skis and you know, people are laughing at you and I hated it. I hated that. I was 13 and I slipped out of a ball game with some boys. And we went out back and we started drinking Pat's Blue Ribbon beer. And I'm going to tell you that night, I felt the magic happen in my life. I mean, it put me 40 pounds, 20 went here and 20 went there. And it curved me a waist that I didn't know I had in my tongue laid down. I could talk to the boys and I felt inside like you looked outside for the first time ever in my wife, you know, and I pursued that feeling until And I just run it in the ground. I mean, if a little is good, more is more, right? And I started, you know, I got this good job and I started making decent money. So I started switching around what the things that would make me feel good. And, you Know, and I just, I lost everything I had, you know, doing dope and dope is a part of my part of my deal, you know, and, and I think it brought me to my bottom quicker because I've done a lot of things behind that, you You know, and I know today I've done a lot of that trying to control my drinking. Because I'd start drinking and I'd black out. And then I'd wake up with strange people in strange cities. You know? And then, you know, I'm not drinking that much no more. So then I started smoking a little weed and then drinking just a little bit, you know. But anyway, all that wound me up in this treatment center. And this lady told me I didn't have to feel the way I felt inside. And I'm going to tell you, you know, I didn't believe her, you know, because I'd been in all the churches. I'd done a lot of the things that I've seen normal people do trying to get right or get better or whatever you want to call it. I mean, down south they call it getting saved. And I'd tried to be saved a lot. I mean some men had tried to save me and I tried to let them and that didn't work either. You know, I tried a lot different things trying to give that just to feel okay inside, you And it seems like I would see you do it and it would work for you and then I'd sell off here and try it and they never did work for me and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I couldn'T get that combination right. I mean, I got three brothers. I got one older and two younger. And I got 1 younger brother that just seems to have it together and I would watch him and I Would try to do what he did and God, I Got miserable. He Was so dull and so boring. And, oh, you know, it just makes me shiver. And but, you Know, I tried to live my life the way he did. And it just didn't work for me. You know, and the big book talks about that we are not. We just not like other people and never will be. You know? I thought I just wasn't like other People when I was drinking. Get sober. You'll find out you're not like Other people either. so here I am in this treatment center and this lady's telling me you know she said why don't you just do what we ask you to do and see how it works I said okay I will you know because I'm scared now I'm going to prison I know so what have I got to lose I mean I've played the game before I can do anything for like 30 days you know been married a couple of times like that you know you can do it for 30 days and when it gets old you just leave right so I you know I could do that and uh so I'm in this Treatment Center and I'm playing the game but I'm really trying to do what they asked me to do. And I've done an inventory for the first time in my life because, you see, all my problems were of other people's makings, never of my own. I just knew that I would be all right if my dad had raised me. I knew that i would be alright if I hadn't lived with that mean old man. I knew then I'd be allright if those girls just didn't find out about that guy. I knew than I'dbe allrightif I had more weight. I knewthat I wouldbe all rightif I was shorter, taller, fatter. But, you know, you can fill in the blank. You know, I was always going to be all right when, and it never worked for me. So while I'm in this treatment center, I get to look at that. And I found out that a lot of things in that treatment center. I found OUT that I had put my oldest brother in God's spot and that I hade tried a bazillion different things trying to make him love me. And I never thought that I had that love or that appreciation. And in my drinking, I really, really squished it because I was down on the streets of New Orleans working for a living. And he come down there and he found me and he just disowned me right there on the spot. You know, and that was one of those days you don't ever want to relive again because you just see the look in their eyes and you know it's done, you know what's over. And those family get-togethers were like hell on earth. I mean, I would always drink a little bit so I could get up enough courage to go. But you always hope you didn't drink too much so you could go. You know, because if you overshoot the mark, you can't go. Because he would still be right about all that. I remember, you know, even in all my, all the drinks that I had, it never could get. You know, he could sit in a room with me and look at me and never see me. Just look through me like I was a piece of glass. You know? I mean, I had done that to him. You know. I know the life that I was living was not what a brother wanted for his sister. Because I was the only girl in the family. You know what? I think at one time I was... You know... I mean... Your family has hopes and dreams for you. You know and slowly but surely I'd squashed all of them. And they hated being around me. They hated to see me coming. because I was always some sad tale of woes, and it was just hard. I was painful. I remember one day I got beat up, or me and this guy, I was living with a guy in a fight, and I lost, right? So when I lose my fights, I don't know about y'all, but I'd go home to Mama because, you know, I'll show him. And, I mean, I looked like a piece of hamburger meat. I mean he beat the crap out of me. And in this inventory I found out that I had a part in that. Now, I know today that, you know, I'm not trying to say that he hitting me was right or anything. But I probably think that if I'd have sat down and shut up when he told me to, I probably wouldn't have got hit so much, you now. But, I mean, you get me drunk and liquored up, I mean I'm bad. And I'm laying on the flat of my back. I'm mad, come on, you kno, I can't even get up. I mean you know but I'm bad. I mean am stupid at that point but you know. and that's some of the stuff that I had to look at, you know, because I always thought he was just mean, you know, and I found out that I caused a lot of that. I'm a touchy-feely kind of girl and you get me drinking and I'm really a touchie-feely kind of girl and I don't care who's watching, you know, boyfriend, it don't matter, you know, join in, we don't care, you know, I mean, some people are not up for that, you know, well, he happened to be one of those close-minded people and so it got me in trouble but see I always thought it was his part I didn't know that I played a part in that you know and this may be a little too honest for you guys but I mean y'all tell me to be honest and tell you in a general way what I used to be like and what happened and what I'm like now and this is a general way so but I've also had an old timer tell me that you don't want to get so damn good that an alcoholic can't relate to your experiences so you know there's a fine line from that and I hope I don't offend anybody but you know I just thought when I was living with that guy I really had it together he built a bar for me today I know it's it's kind of like a cage for an animal You know, I was so impressed. Oh, God. Oh, man. I'm telling you, I thought I had it together, you know, and I definitely didn't have it together. But anyway, I'm still in this treatment center, and we're still looking at the part in these relationships that I played. And I got ready to get out of that treatment center. and they said, well, you can't go home yet. We want you to go to Halfway House. I mean, that's fine. I'll go. But the one they wanted to send me in just had all girls in it. Now, wait a minute. I got a problem with that. Now, I've never been around a big pack of women. What do you do with them, right? I didn't know. I had been around. There's three brothers in my family. We lived beside a family of seven boys on one side. On the other side, there was five boys. I mean, I think I had a girl neighbor when I turned like 12, you know. So, I mean. I don't know what you do with girls. But now they want me to go live with them. And I was not excited about that. Because my mama done told me about y'all. Y'all... That's the only thing I got to go on is what my mama said. And she said that them women will take your husband. Because she's had a couple go missing. And they're not to be trusted, you Know. and I believe that so here I am, got to go live with these women and I'm not excited about it but I've got to get my job back so I'm willing to do the deal so here we go off to a halfway house and I've Got My Little Pack and I got my little sack pack and I am scared I am really scared because I don't know what to do with a bunch of women and there are rules in this halfway house and one of them is you have to wear all your clothes and I didn't even own some of the clothes they wanted me to wear you know they kept getting in the way I mean they get hung up under the seat belt I mean under the sheet you know that lever that where you let the seat back and forth well they get all knotted up in there and hell you just forget them and one more or you get them out and they'll be all ripped up or greasy or whatever and then you get I get drunk getting the floorboard trying to get it out and get tickled and couldn't get up you know and uh or then you just forget them in a minute and then she'd find them and they couldn't come out and play no more So, you know, I just quit wearing all that crap because it got in the way. But here I am. I've got to get it again. So I'm in this halfway house and we've gotto go shopping. And at this facility they wanted you to travel in groups. So here I Am is a big old bunch of women and here we go to the store. Now, you Know, every time I think about me in front of y'all tonight, I'm looking pretty good. You know,I mean, I got on all my clothes. oh gosh but you know it's just like a when you don't know and I and I let that pride and that ego down enough and say you know what I don't want to do this will you help me you know y'all always come there and y'al always help me and you don t laugh at me that day we may laugh our butts off the next day about it you know but that day you don you say sure come on and that s what I did with those women I confessed you know in a year there's a lot of confessions so I confess that I didn't know about what size underwear I wore and those ladies they just shoved me in a dressing room and here they come you know they are hauling drawers across the store so I can try them on you know so anytime I get up in front I don't ever want to forget where I come from because they say if you do you'll go back you know and today I know what size of underwear I wear and that's because I just let that pride and that ego down and last y'all showed me y'All show me how to do that. And that's one small thing that you have showed me how to do on this walk of life that I've known since I've been sober. You know, you've shown me howto hold a job. You've shownme how to go to court for getting arrested and everything and be willing to take the consequences of my actions because I know I'm going to prison. I know it hands down. And you know, and there's a couple of people in the courtroom with me that day and I'm standing there and I've got to wear a skirt to court. That's what the lawyer said I wear a dress well I didn't own a dress and I got a skirt in the closet you know I mean down south everybody had something they buried people in right so I got this dress this skirt okay but I probably got it at like the goodwill or whatever and there's no tags in it so I don't know where the zipper goes so I call this uh at that time I'm sponsored by an AA guy and an Al-Anon lady okay because I got so I got when I got out of treatment I went to a real small town you probably fit it in this building but I mean there wasn't a lot of women staying sober so the AA man kind of has sponsored me in in AA and then the Al-Anon woman sponsored me and those women things right so I called her about the skirt but she wasn't home he said oh hell see and he just put the zipper in the front like we do. So I, here I go, I'm tight. I put that zipper in the front and here I got to court. Now I can't imagine what a sight I was. I'm almost scared to think about it but you know and and I'm up there in front of that judge and y'all have through inventory I realized that I did play a part in getting arrested you know I've had illegal drugs and uh y' all have taught me in AA you know that I had to be willing to take responsibility for my actions. So I'm up there and I'm willing to go to jail if necessary. I don't want to go. Don't even believe that, but I'm willing. And that judge gave me first offender's probation. I didn't even know what that was. And so the lawyer had to explain it to me and all that kind of stuff. And I walked away and I didnít have to go to prison. You know, that was one of the most powerful examples of God watching out for me than I had experienced to date in my sobriety. Another thing, I was living by myself, but in that phase of my development, there wasn't always a guy in the background. You probably didn't see him because he didn't get out much because he was old, you know, but he had money. And I was always about the money because I knew if I had enough money, I would be all right. So one of the things in this halfway house, y'all told me that if I kept selling myself, I wouldn't be able to stay sober, you You know, because you just can't do it. You know that self-esteem and that pride and that one time knowing way down deep where I lived that I really was doing the deal. I really am doing the right thing. I really are trying to live not the right way but the right for me. And I was getting a little taste of that, you know, and it felt so good. And then I had to write this, like, dear old guy letter, you know, because he sent me $100. And now picture this. I'm going to prison. This is before I found out I wasn't. I don't have a job because you can't work being arrested like I was. They fire you. And I don' t have a college degree or any of that kind of stuff. I quit school when I was, like 12, 13-something. I don''t know. I was big enough when they quit letting me go. And here I am letting the money man go. And it was a hard decision for me. You know, but you told me, well, the counselor told me. She said, Sandy, if you keep trusting man and don't trust God, you're going to wind up in a hell of a mess because man will let you down and God won't. You know? But, I mean, you know, way at, it was spooky. But I wrote the dear old guy letter, and I didn't have anybody there to fall back on, any money to fallback on. And I walked out of that courtroom, and you know what? I didn'T need that old guy's money. You know?, I didn' t have to go to prison. I didn't have to pay some hot shot lawyer, you know, because I was really trying to do the right thing for the first time in my life. And and something heard that something saw the effort in me, you Know, and and I walked out of that courtroom on first offenders probation. The probation officer saw me get sober, saw me Get married again. Well, not, no, but he didn't know about the first times. But I got, when I got sober, okay, we go into meetings and everything. And the meetings are real small. And there, I mean, we did meetings that you would get in the car and then you would go to, you would drive to a meeting because you had to drive like 25 miles, something like that. So we'd have the meeting going, we'd had the meeting there and we'd add the meeting coming home. And whoever had the biggest car is a driver because, I means, we would just pack out and drive the whole town. I mean all seven of us. We'd get in the car, and that's how we do. And we traveled all over the southeast of Georgia, and we'd go to meetings. And that's just what we did because there wasn't a meeting every day of the week or every minute of the day and all that kind of stuff. So me and one of the guys, you know, we'd got to the meeting, then we'd get home, we put on a pot of coffee, and we would stay up all night talking about God and spiritual things, and we just wait and float off or something, you now. It was wonderful. You know, I truly believe that everybody that come into AA did the AA deal and was honest and really tried and wanted to get sober. I mean, I was on fire with that. I had been introduced to the big book and all of that, you know, the steps and all that. It was neat because there was a group of us doing the deal and we hung together like ducks. You'd see one, you'd see all of us. It was amazing. But me and this guy, one particular guy, we started going to meetings together and we started winking and blinking at each other And then he asked me out on a date. Now, I never, I mean, a date, what's that? I don't think I'd ever been on a gate. I mean I had had dates, but I don' t think we're talking about the same thing. But I'm trying to keep it general. So anyway, I had to ask this Al-Anon lady what an AA date was. And she said, well, he'll come get you and he'll carry you out to dinner either before or after the meeting. y'all will go to the meeting and then he'll bring you home and he'll leave I didn't see the point of the date so here we go we went on this date we went on this AA date and um and we AA dated for like four months you know and I'm I'm in the I'm in the garden with this Al-Anon lady and I're not quite getting it because he ain't grabbing touching nothing that ain't his now I'm sober I'm put on a little weight I think I'm looking all good and all that kind of stuff. And, and I'm wondering what's wrong with him. Cause I don't get it. I don'T get it." So this Al-Anon lady, we're in her garden. She was a gardener and stuff and we're digging potatoes and I'M SLEEGING IN DIRT EVERYWHERE! Cause I am pissed! Cause after all, I mean, I think I'm looking pretty good and what's WRONG with him? And you know, do I need to do something a little bit different? You know? A little sashay here, a sashay there And that Al-Anon lady, I know she did not laugh at my face, but I know she's about to bust a gut. Because I know that's the way I do with the girls I sponsor, with some of their stuff they come up with. And I'm talking to her, what's wrong with me? How come he ain't, you know, what'S wrong with Me? He ain't tried to grab nothing or any of that. And she said, well, honey, maybe he's showing you respect. Well, respect, that's when they've been with you that night and then they come back the next day. That's what I know about respect, you Know? Y'all have done miracles, I promise you. But that Al-Anon lady taught me that, you know? That Al-A-Non lady told me what women did in the daytime. She taught me about matching up my clothes and trying to get myself together like that. You know, I don't know where I'd be without her. But we did that A8 dating thing, and this guy finally asked me to marry him, and I couldn't believe it. You know? Because I was out there on them streets a long time, and he knew that. I mean, he didn't know details, but, you know, he got the general idea. And he still wanted to marry me, and I couldn't believe it. And we set a date and all that kind of stuff. And I found my wedding dress for $12, and the Al-Anon lady took our $50. And, you Know, they'd done our reception and all That Kind of Stuff. And it was just unbelievable, the people that showed up. Because we had, I mean we were like the AA couple. We come in, and we got sober, and We're doing it right. and we're going to walk off in the sunset. We did, but we burned up. We were married about five years and I'm going to tell you that was... I knew going down the aisle I shouldn't be going down that aisle, okay? But I know God's going to change me, right? I just know He is and He's going make me believe some things that's going made this all right with me inside where I live. Now, I couldn't have said that out loud to you that day but um but I knew as I look back and as I've inventoried it looked at my part and all that other kind of stuff that's what I've come to and so uh I get to go to this conference and me and this guy were having some trouble in our marriage and it's not the fighting kind of trouble it's the kind of trouble where you know we'll drive up to the AA meet and put on them smiles grab hands walk in or still lay a couple you know can't let i can't let you can't disappoint anybody and um then we go home and we snatch him hands down and there's a there's line drawn down the middle of our house and there's silence you know and and i'm not being honest in that relationship and um i go to this conference and a gentleman pays me some attention a lot of attention and i sleep with him and because that's what i do if at that phase of my development anyway And I come home and I ask for a divorce. And it was a hard time because everybody in that group took sides because I was the whore in the meeting. I'm five years sober, and I'm the whORE in the MEETING, and nobody likes me, and after all I've done to him and, you know, all this kind of stuff, and it was just a bad time. And five years sober, and sitting on the side of my bed, and I can't go to AA anymore, you now, because y'all hate me. And I don't know what to do. So I pulled a pistol out, you know, and I'm looking at eating this gun. And I pick up the phone and I call this old guy who has been on my list, you know, because this guy was the one that really pissed you off. When I come into the meetings, you know, when I come out of treatment, I was an alcoholic and an addict. Okay? And I'd get in the meetings and hear this guy, you know, I'd say, I introduced myself that way. And he'd scream about his hemorrhoids. And I'm going, what does that got to do with anything? He said, that's right. And I'd walk off pissed off, you know, because I didn't get it, you know. You know, I thought he was just picking on me because I'd heard tales about this dirty old man and, you know, he just always pissed you off. He was one of those, you know. He would always tell you the truth whether you wanted to hear it or not. And, I mean, he just really made me mad. I mean I had just been talking bad about him a long time. You know, if you give me five minutes, I'd tell you what an SOB was and what he did to the group and how he ran newcomers off and all that other kind of stuff. And he come across my mind that day. And I picked up the phone and I called him and he didn't even recognize my voice. I was in just one of those really bad places. And he told me to get in the car. You know? He didn't say, honey, you know, don't call me because all you said about me. He didn't say, you know, B, don't ever call me again. You know, he said get in the car. And I got in the care and when I got to his house, he was standing at the door and he just opened up his arms and I just fell on him. You know that is Alcoholics Anonymous. That is one alcoholic helping a suffering alcoholic. You know? That is Principles Before Personalities. That is everything that this program talks about and stands on. And I was in a bad way. And this man wouldn't let me talk bad about that guy. I seem to be ex-husband. He said I could talk to him and one other person about him, and that was it. And when people ask me about him direct them to him. Or how's Lloyd doing? Well, call him. See how he's doing. Well, everybody wanted to know how he was doing. They'd always ask me, and I'd want to say, who the fuck cares? Because I certainly didn't at that point. That was probably loud, wasn't it? But, I mean, that's honest, okay? That's just honest. But I'm trying to clean up my mouth, and sorry about that. But anyway, you know, he put me in his back pocket, and he was taping around the southeast. And, you Know, I heard people talk about getting divorces in AA and how they put principles before personalities and how They'd done the principled actions no matter what they thought about it and how hard a walk that was. And I started doing those things. I'm sitting at a district meeting because I'm district secretary at that time, and in he comes going, gosh, can't you find a different district? Oh, you know, I mean, cause we were small. I mean there wasn't any, here he come. I made a hush fell over the room. They were just waiting to see the fight, you Know, and um, I got up out of my chair and I walked across the room, I walked across The Room and stuck out my hand and I told him I was glad he was there. You know, and after that, you Now everybody started talking and there just wasn't any big deal. You know, I hate me having to walk across the room, you know, I want them to come to me. I want him to come to me bleeding. You know, they don't do that. They don't do that is about me acting principled, you know, and I don't like that. I mean, I like the results of that, but when I'm in the middle of that walk and I'm cussing every breath, I'm going, geez, how come he couldn't, you know, how come he couldn't done it? You know, um, I get the results of that action. And I'm grateful I was able to do that because he worked with a lot of people. He saved a lot of, I mean, he spent a lot of time working with drunks and I didn't want the judgment that I got passed on to other people. And we got through that and I got through that sober. And the old guy told me, he said, Sandy, there's some bottoms in sobriety. Newcomers, shut your ears. You might not want to hear this. There's bottoms in sobrietry. There is one that's going to bring you here and then there's one that's going to keep you here. And I think at that phase of my development, I'd hit the one that was going to keep me here because I became willing to take that action. About this same time, I'm looking for a woman to sponsor me and I'm asking a lot of people and my reputation precedes me and a lot of people are telling me no and I get this CD with this lady and she says that she knew she was in a time in her sobriety where she had either get in AA or get out and I knew I was there. So I tried to get her phone number from the taper because she said her first and last name from the podium, and I'm forever grateful because I was able to track her down because of that. And over the phone, I asked her if she'd be my sponsor. And she said, well, let me ask you some questions. How many meetings a week are you going to? I'm going to one. Oh, that's going to change, she said. But I couldn't tell her. I couldn'T go to those other meetings because that's where those butts were that done that judgment thing. And, I mean, I couldn'T tell her I couldn''t go to this other one because I got up in the middle of the meeting and I cussed them all out because they were doing that judgment thing and told them what I thought about them and, you know, and all that kind of stuff. And she said, well, you're going to start calling me once a week at a time convenient to me. I'm thinking to myself, convenient to you? You're my sponsor. I'm supposed to be able to call you 24-7. What do you mean convenient toyou? Now, out loud to her, I said, yes, ma'am. She said, we're goingto start going through the big book. And in my head, I'm going, I have been in the big book meeting ever since I've been sober. I am a big book thumper originelle. I don't need to go through that book again. But out loud to her, I said, yes, ma'am. She said, we're going to go Through the Traditions and the Concepts. I'm thinking them concepts are for Them lawyers in AA. I don'T need them concepts. You know, but of course, out loud To her, I said yes, ma'AM. She said you're going To start wearing a dress to your home group meeting. I go to AA and I'm comfortable. What are you talking about a dress? I mean, they don't think somebody died in my neck of the woods. I go with a dress, you know. That's the only time people wore dresses when people died. You went to funerals. And out loud to her, I said, yes, ma'am. And we started that. And that lady sponsored me a year and a half before she ever met me. You know, she didn't care about all the other stuff that I had done. You know. I had to get honest with her about it. And I was able to do that. You know we were talking about them before the meeting and everything. About, you now, what is that gift that we have that keep us here? You know, I think it's a gift of desperation. I am just as desperate today to do anything to keep my butt sober as I was today. I'm probably more desperate today because I've got a whole lot more to lose. You know but that lady sponsored me a year and a half. We done a third step over the phone. I'm praying on my knees over the foam. I done my fourth step. We done fifth step overthefoam. You know the foam company is not listening in. You know I had some fear about that. you know and she went over my amends with me and she was speaking in in um on the southeast and she drove from atlanta georgia three hours to see me to meet me she she drove i don't think i'd ever had anybody go to that length to meet before and i was so impressed and so touched um the guy i was living with at the time i mean we went through the house like the queen was coming i mean i'm on my head in the closet and and um window taps me on the back he says honey i don't think she's gonna be looking there but you know she settled me down a lot she um she was the one that told me to respect a from the podium and not to cuss and i really screwed that one up tonight but um she's the one that toldme that um she just settled medown because i'd been sponsored by this this rough, gruff AA guy. And you know, uh, you didn't want the big book. So I'd beat you in the head with it. You know, I was brutally honest, you know? And that, and that lady really toned me down. And, um, as a result of that, some women started becoming attracted to the message I was carrying, you Know, and I got the sickest babe out of the bush. I ain't kidding. This lady, this lady found out she was, she was brilliant in the nut ward. Okay. Yeah, that's what I did. Not to her face, but I'm going, oh, my God. You know, but this lady started to change. I mean, we started doing the deal, what was done for me, and her life started to change. And you know, today when I can't see God working in my life, I can see him working in the life of the girls I sponsor. You know? I can seen him taking the actions and things happening. You know. And I know he just forgot about me because he's busy with them. You know! And that's not true. He has given me the gift of life through them. You know?! And I just think that's awesome. This guy that I was living with, there's a couple more marriages in there. You know, one time I got married because I needed kids. I found out that was a lie. The principles of Alcoholics Anonymous helped me go out of that marriage not on another man's arm. And I'm grateful for that. And then a nosy neighbor introduced me to this nice guy who needed me. And we started becoming friends. And, you know, I'm probably 10 years sober at this time, and I know that if I don't do something different, I'm going to have the same thing, the same results of the same actions. So, you Know, I told this guy, You know, I've got to do some work on me, Kent. I don' t want to date you anymore. I don''t want to see you anymore . . . I don ''t know how long this is going to take, but I'm gong to do som ework on me. And one morning I woke up, and I knew that I knew. And he called me that day. And on that day, we started seeing each other again. And then we got married. We moved in together because I do not do marriage, okay? In all the writing that I did, what I found out is I'm a selfish, self-centered person. I'm kicking, screaming two-year-old. I want everything my way. I want it now, andI don't want to share nothing. Now, that is not the basis of a healthy relationship or a partnership. I mean, that was the way I lived my life. And I asked God to take me to a different basis on relationships. And I think he's done that. Wendell asked me to marry him. And I told him I'd marry him one day at a time because I can be a kind, loving, faithful wife one day. Not marrying him forever. I've been married forever three times. I am not doing that again, but today I can be a kind, loving wife. Today I can be a caring life if I'm not kind and loving. Today, I can do that. Now, he's straight out of the Southern Baptist Church, deacon, you know, and when I looked at him and told him I'd marry him one day at a time, he was a little bit shocked because, I mean, you knows, forever and always and all that kind of stuff i'm not going there and um and i told him that a come first and that was non-negotiable and i didn't say it with a smart aleck attitude you know because i've done that a comes first you know as i've cut your legs out from under you you know if it wasn't it what i didn' t i didn't go in with that kind of attitude you no it was this is my life period you know i cannot i cannot do life with you without this first and he said okay now that little statement neither one of us realize the length we would go with that. I mean, he's been home a lot of times by himself because he's first. I means, he set up, he'd been down in the TV room when I'm doing fifth steps upstairs. I'm mean, He's been upstairs when I've been down the TV room you know working with women and you know I mean he's he's being home by himself in the middle of the night as I'm going to jail you know you know trying to get somebody out or whatever you know. But he's, he is the kind a guy that I always run from. He's nice. I mean, if they're beating the crap out of me and taking my money and don't have a job, don't Have a car come to me. You know, this guy had a job had a house. I went to work every day. I wouldn't hit a woman if his life depended on it. And I'm wanting to run from that. Y'all, I have a disease of perception And I have enjoyed the fruits of that, you know. He treats me like a lady. You know, and y'all have shown me how to be that lady. You know? And that's what I love about Alcoholics Anonymous. Even though I don't believe it in me, I know that if I take the right actions, I'll start to believe it. And then people treat me different. And he drove me down tonight. And he's just a neat guy. And he's probably over there embarrassed because I'm talking about him like that. But he got laid off from work. I've got, like, three more stories and I'll be done. Really, only three. He got laidoff from work, we put his resume on Monster.com, and a place in Idaho picked him up. Iowa, Idaho, where are we going? I didn't know. I'd never seen so much snow in all my life. I love it. And it's kind of like, you know, God just opened up the fairytale book, throwed us in it, and said, y'all just have a good time. because that's what we've been doing. You know, that's what we're doing. That's what we've been doing. My mother got sick and why don't you come live with us? She's going uh-uh. Because I hadn't lived with my mother since I was 13 and what she lived with was like a little hellion right? She did not know a sober me. She had seen glimpses and all that kind of stuff and as the results of my amends and stuff, you know, she wanted to see me happy. So I never called her when I wasn't happy. You know, She always got that. So she got to thinking about it and, and she, she sold her little house and come out and moved in with me and my husband. And I'm going to tell you, I had the privilege of being a kind loving daughter to my mother. I had a privilege of her seeing y'all, you Know, she had the privileged of seeing all these girls in and out of the house and just a bunch. I mean, we got one of those drunk houses, you No coffee pots always on in and out phone calls the whole nine yards and she loves it you know um Wendell had a stroke she was able to teach him how to read you know see you know the very basic reading she was able to do that for him you know and um when Wendall had astroke I you know I had some surgery done and and the the AA group brought a meeting into to our house and my mother was able to sit in on that and she said she had never felt the love that y'all gave to us that night ever in all her days in church and she come up that in the church you know how that goes and uh she'd never experienced anything like it y'All touched her and she didn't know what happened um last story um my mother my mother died and um I was out of town it was about this time two years ago I was out of town working and Wendell was home with her and they called the EMTs and he called the MT's and last thing out of her mouth was this is my son-in-law and he takes good care of me and that was the last thing she said you know and we kept her alive long enough for me to get home and stuff and then we unplugged everything and you know I was able just to sit there with her and pat on her hand and just love her I didn't have to make amends mama I wished I'd have done mama I wish I hadn't said mama I wishes You know, it wasn't any of that there because y'all had given me an opportunity to be a sober member and a kind loving daughter. And she had seen that. And I am forever grateful for that. And, you know, our life is still pretty good. We've had some ups and downs, you knows, with the stroke and just trying to get all that stuff worked out because people change when that happens. And I think we got it figured out. You know I'd always want to be with some other guy when the tough times got going. But when Wendell got sick, I didn't want to be anywhere else. And for that, that was a spiritual experience for me. Now, I don't know about you guys. I wasn't looking for something else to take me away and make it all right. I wanted to sit right there beside him and us walk through it together. And that is growing up in AA. The AA in Pocatello, Idaho is wonderful. Y'all have given me a chance to just pass on the message. You know, the message that's here, I love coming here, you know, because an AA group, you know the traditions and the concepts and in a general way what we used to be like. That's what it's about. It's about one alcoholic reaching out and touching another. And I am ever grateful for an opportunity and happy anniversary. Thank you. Thank you.