The Geographical Cure That Brought Her Along – Sara B.

Hello. My name is Sarah and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Sarah. I have been sober since March 16th of 2012. I'm a home group. It's a vision for you on Wednesday nights in Ann Arbor. Alright. I was born to two alcoholic parents. In a long line of alcoholic people. My dad was an alcoholic. He no longer drinks anymore. My mom was a drug addict. She is not sober. My paternal grandmother was sober in this program for 35 years. And my grandpa was in Al-Anon. That set of grandparents and my parents raised me as a child. And that set of grandparents, not surprisingly, was one of the most solid fixtures in my life for most of my life. And I didn't really understand why that was until later on in my life. But, yeah, I'm not surprised that I ended up here. Coming from where I came from. I was always kind of an awkward child. But I, from a really young age, really, really excelled a lot in school. I, basically, ever since I started school, I was just really, really good at it. And I liked it a lot. I, ever since I, before I even started school, things came really easy to me. Especially like math and science and stuff like that. And I liked that. I liked school. I liked being good at things. And liked things that I was good at and shied away from things that I wasn't good at. And I, I don't know. I never really, like, had a lot of friends in school, per se. I was never one of the popular kids. I kind of always felt apart from everyone else a little bit. But I always had friends. But I, I think that I just never really, I was like always on this like little bit more cerebral level than I think other kids were interacting on, with each other with. Which never really served me very well emotionally throughout my life. But when I, when I was in elementary school and my parents got divorced, I was eight. After that, I gained a lot of weight. So throughout my entire adolescence, I was incredibly overweight and awkward. Which is a really fun way to be in middle school. Kids are, kids are cool. So I was really, really, really good at math. I was really cool to people like that. And I, so I was just like this super nerdy kid. Super nerdy kid. I was like in orchestra. All my friends were in orchestra. Orchestra nerdy, little fat kid. And that was, and I had fun with that. I loved, you know, those kinds of things. And like math and science. And, you know, that was, that was my, that was my jam. And then all of a sudden, like, I started, you know, growing up and wanting, like, boys to like me. And stuff and like those kinds of things. And things like, just didn't really like happen for me naturally. And, you know, fast forward a little bit to high school. I, all my friends were either like in orchestra or they were like significantly older than me. Like friends I had had from like my parents and childhood, like childhood kind of friends that like didn't go to school with me. And, and like hanging out with those kind of friends outside of school was when I, you know, started using. And I remember really vividly. The first time I used anything, I was 14. And I was smoking weed. And I don't know a lot of people that like talk about smoking weed until you black out. But the first time I ever smoked weed, I actually did black out from smoking weed. I smoked probably, I smoked so much weed out of like so many huge bongs as a 14-year-old who had never smoked weed. That I like came to. In the back of my friend's car. In this whole crazy situation. But we had stolen a marijuana plant. And I was sitting with a marijuana plant in the car and the cops were behind us. And I'm like, what is happening? And like that was my first using experience. And like it, you know, it, it was, I definitely didn't want that to happen again. Like luckily I didn't get in trouble. But like I was ready to smoke weed again like tomorrow. You know, like this, this was fun. My life was fine. The exciting, like I was hanging out with other people. Like they talked to me. Like it was awesome. And you know, fast forward a little bit. That was like the summer between freshman and sophomore year. And by the, so the beginning of that summer I started smoking weed. And by the end of that summer I was doing cocaine regularly as a freshman in high school. In the college prep high school that I went to where I was taking two math classes my sophomore year. Because I actually did that. So I went to school early at 7 o'clock to take an extra math class. So that I could, you know, I don't know, end up in like a higher calculus when I started college or something. Because that was how nerdy I was in early high school. And so I was doing that, doing coke here and there in sophomore year. And that's like when I started to like really, you know, get into the high school life. And I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And I was like, . I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to do. And so I started to make the separation between, like, okay, I'm going to go to school. And I'm going to do really good at things. And then, like, but every weekend I'm going to get totally blasted. You know, and then at that point, like, it was fun. And I was making friends. And I was having a lot of fun. And, like, I hadn't had fun like that before. And made connections with people like that before. And it, the first thing I was doing was just making fun. it solved a lot of things for me that I was looking for to live that way. And the summer after my sophomore year, I, you know, things were getting, progressing for me on the drug front. And at that point, I started doing meth. And I did that once for, like, two years straight. And, like, at that point, like, things just really, really changed for me a lot. Like, I, that was, like, the first time that I really would say I got eaten by an addiction. It would happen more times to me throughout my life. But I'm a junior in high school at this point doing meth almost every day. I lost a lot of weight doing that. And I looked. . . I thought I looked really good. Like, people liked me. I could wear whatever I wanted. I had lost, like, 50 pounds, like, not eating anything. And when I did, it was carrots, because I was, like, a vegetarian raw foodist tweaker. Which was an interesting life to try and live. But I thought it was great, you know. And, like, I think that period of my life, like, I made a lot of friends. Like, I made a lot of really close friends. That I, you know, I still have a lot of those friends today. And, like, the, the, my core group of friends that I had at that time. A lot of them are sober today. Almost all of them are sober today. Some of them in this program and some of them not in this program. And that's amazing. And that's something, like, I'm really, really grateful for. And I don't think that's something that a lot of people can say when they came from this kind of environment where I came from. But during that time. . . . . . . . . . . I was quite fossil. But I said, you know what? And like, many versatility? Like, it's fun. Like we should always have some kind of like, a necessity. You know? It was like it was on time. You know? It was like, nuggets. Yeah. But like, I sort of worked to really live in my mom's life. So, no, like, some kind of persecuting feeling. Like, you know? But, yeah, when she came to Los Angeles, I kind of felt a little bit less up there or kind of moved out. But I, you know, I didn't, was like kind of, you know, like. I lived there beast. I didn't have high school. I wasn't. I didn't have high school. I didn't have home drying. using drugs like my mom. And so he was the one that had custody of me. And when I was in high school, I convinced him to let me go live with my mom because I knew my mom would let me do whatever I wanted to. There was no rules at my mom's house. And the only rule my mom had was, don't tell your dad, basically, because then my dad wouldn't let me go over to my mom's house anymore and my mom would be sad. So I moved in with my mom, who has her own issues in that arena. And it was just like, don't tell your dad. Don't get in trouble. Don't tell your dad. And so I did that. And I had stopped coming home. I stayed at the boyfriend's house until he got evicted and then we both moved into my mom's house. And he was six years older than me, I think, and we used every single day. And I never slept. I never... Things just kind of I basically kind of stopped going to school at that point. Especially the classes, like the first and second period, I pretty much never went to. And I had some of my first consequences. People started catching on to the fact that I was really off. It was pretty obvious, pretty much. My mom had tried to talk to me about it, but I think she was just so happy that I had actually come home and that she didn't want to push me away. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to school. And I was like, I'm going to go to regular school. And I was like, I'm going to go to regular school. My dad had tried to talk to me about what's wrong with you. Counselors at school were trying to talk to me about what's wrong with you. And by the end of that year, I was just like, well, I don't want to go to this school anymore. I want to go to a regular school. Because they're not going to notice that I don't come. And they're not going to notice that I'm fucked up all the time. Sorry. I'm not supposed to swear. So I switched schools for my senior year. And I went to a, regular school. A huge regular school. I think there was a thousand people in my class. Which was the biggest school in the city where I'm from. I'm from Tucson, Arizona by the way. I could kind of just fall into the cracks there. That's what I did. I didn't really go to school that year much. I had way more absences than I actually attended. I don't really know how many days there are in a school year but I can tell you I probably missed part of at least three quarters of them. I would just go to school to bring in the homework and I would go to school to take the exams. I still had really good grades so nobody noticed that I wasn't ever doing anything and I wasn't there. The biggest scholastic consequence I had was losing my ability to be allowed to be first chair in the orchestra which I did not like. But I never went to practice so that was reasonable. And then one day very much towards the end of the school year I came in late as usual to sign myself in with a note I had written for myself. And somebody in the office thought I smelled like weed. Probably a reasonable thing. I probably did smell like something. That was bad. But I was in possession at that time and I got in trouble and I went to jail. And got put on probation and my mom came and bailed me out and was like don't tell your dad. He still actually doesn't know that that happened. That was my first big major consequence and I was like oh what am I doing with my life. And I'm sitting there in juvie crying hysterically for the eight hours I was there until my mom came and picked me up. But not really a hardened criminal but it was enough to really snap me out of it at that time because I was like what am I doing with my life. And that was the first time I stopped using. And I got sober and I actually was sober for a significant period of time. And at that point my all of my friends had turned my mom's house into this horrible drug squad house basically. And we were getting evicted because people were it was just blatantly weird what everyone was doing there and people didn't really like having us around. And juvenile delinquents were constantly skateboarding and BMX biking up and down the apartment stairs. It was just a bad situation. And my mom didn't control anything. And anyway she was getting evicted from that apartment. And I at that point moved out got my own apartment with a friend of mine who also was on probation and sober. And went to college. And at that point it really snapped me out of it and I did really really well in college that first year. The way I kind of thought of it at the time was that I could see like the friends I had that were older than me and living like I lived were had messed up school. They were working at fast food shops. And miserable. And I was like well I guess there just comes a time when you either wake up and do something with your life or you just don't. And I decided that I wanted to wake up and do something with my life. I tried to keep dating the boyfriend for a little bit but that really didn't work out. Because he didn't stop using. And we were just not very well matched to begin with. But we broke up and he did something that made me angry and some period of time later I think I ended up using that as my excuse to start using again after a year of being sober. And I started drinking again and doing meth here and there. And things stayed pretty okay like for a while for like my first couple years of college over the first year of college. I was relatively like things were relatively okay and I was happy and I feel like I really had wanted to just get out of this that really dark drug den I had lived in for the years previous to that and I was ready to not not be in that anymore and I thought that I'd never go back to it. But then I just went back to it and I was like use some trivial excuses we alcoholics usually do to somebody made me mad it was either my ex-boyfriend or my roommate or something and I used it as an excuse why I would get high that day and then I got high. You know again like a month later and then again like three weeks later. And then you know I was using here and there. And I was nineteen the first time I did heroin. And that is a huge part of my story. Because that took me down pretty hard several times. And I remember the first time I did it. Because I had gone through that really terrible thing with the meth before and I remember thinking to myself like that I know. That like there's nothing good is going to come of this any personality growth I have. Gotten by my years of experimentation has already happened like only bad things are going to happen if I set out on this course that I'm setting out on obviously. And and I did it anyway. And that was like a big first for me in my in my addiction because like before it was just like fun and I was experimenting in like nothing really was just like I'm blatantly making a horrible decision. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. For something that I'm powerless over. But from that point on that was kind of the way that it went and. And I use heroin here and here and there for a minute but that's not really kind of the way that goes. So I think I was maybe it was after my sophomore year of college when I started using pretty regularly and. I. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. Yeah. It's just like. Everything just tunnel down into this of this. I met. I met another boy who used like I did and. And he was a one. And like we were getting married and babies and like. Special dogs and everything was gonna be great. You know and like like this was you know. This was in my life and I remember like trying to tell one of my friends. Like that. That like. Didn't do heroin. That like. They just didn't know. They should just try. You know and like really feeling like that like. Like anybody who doesn't do this every day just doesn't know. Like this is what life's about. I've arrived. You know and I hear other people talk about like those moments that they had when they're like. Yes I've arrived. I've got like. This is what I was missing. Before. And. And like it kind of. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. And it gets dark really fast and I miss like really a lot of that period of time I guess. I think I only remember bits and pieces of it but. I went from being a relatively you know. Okay. Normal. Ish person to. Like the girl crying in the bathroom because I didn't have any veins left in a matter of. Months really and like that was like. And I like kept it together with school kind of until like. Yeah. Basically until the point where it mattered. Because my goal was to have gone to pharmacy school, and halfway through my junior year in pharmacy school, I had put in all my applications, and my grades were really, really great up until that point. I mean, I almost had gotten straight A's all that whole time. And I put in all my applications and all the grades they were going to look at, and then I just nosedived. And there was a really, really dark period of time the second half of my junior year in college, and really that whole summer where it was... Firstly, an Arizona summer is a really, really gross thing. To live through, to exist in, especially to be a drug addict of the caliber that I was through, it can bring you to your knees in and of itself. Especially, like, I moved on. I moved out of my apartment, moved into a guest house, which was really like a shed, kind of, with an air conditioning in it. But it wasn't very well, like, air conditioned at all. And at that point, I was doing a lot of meth and heroin at the same time, and I would do them at the same time. And I was just using the meth so that I wouldn't fall out as much, which is basically like when you die and people have to bring you back. And then just to try and keep it so I could stay awake sometimes. But then I didn't like to stay awake too much. I didn't like to feel the pain of being awake. And, yeah, it was a really, really dark time. But I had gotten into pharmacy school. And so that was going to be my geographical cure. I think I skipped, like, I had had some, like, really bad things happen in that time. Like, I overdosed a few times and had to go to the hospital. And had some, like, negative consequences. But never, like, got in trouble with the law specifically. Just almost died a few times, which didn't faze me at all, really. I mean, I remember the first time I went to the hospital. And I woke up in the hospital. I was, like, so scared. And I walked out of that hospital with this, like, I was never going to use again. Like, that was terrible. I made it, like, I think I made it, like, maybe 10 days. And that was just a pattern for me. Like, I couldn't get a couple weeks together. And I was constantly trying. I was constantly trying to detox. Constantly trying to put some time together. And, you know, the answer was going to be moving to Michigan and, you know, getting my stuff together and going through graduate school. And that was my geographical cure, which if you've hung around the rooms long enough, you've heard of people having geographical cures, you know, probably. And I was like, oh, my God. I'm going to go to the hospital. And the problem with that is that you bring yourself with you where you go. So I packed up all my stuff and my boyfriend and my dog and my sugar glider into my car and came here. And I was going to get sober. And it was going to be great. And I did get sober for, you know, like a lot. Or I stopped using heroin. I did not get sober. That's a bold lie. But to me, like, I got sober because I stopped using hard drugs. That was my goal, actually. My goal had never been to get sober. I just probably say that now because I say it so often. But, like, to stop using hard drugs. If I could just somehow not do meth, heroin, or cocaine, like, everything would just be fine. That was not actually the case. But, yeah, that's what I thought anyway. So I moved to Michigan. And it's really different here than in Arizona. And it was, like, hard for me to adjust. And I, you know, of course, I used up until the point when the drugs ran out on the way here. I was using on the drive here from Arizona. And had some. I brought drugs with me here from Arizona. And then when the drugs ran out, then I was done and I was going to stop using. And so not surprisingly, the first year I lived here, it was really, really hard. Right. I didn't know anything about, like, the fact that I was, like, I thought withdrawing took, like, five days. And then I'd just be golden. Like, there's a lot of other emotional things that, like, you're trying to work through. But nobody was there to help me with that. And then I was just, like, in this relationship with this other person that was going through the same thing. And it was really interesting. And, yeah, kind of interesting thing to go through with another person when neither of you know anything about. Yeah. Recovery. And every time I would go home for, like, a holiday, I would get high. And I was a terrible daughter when I would go home. I would go home. My parents hadn't seen me in however long since they had seen me. And I would be supposed to spend Christmas with them and I would be getting high. Or I would be supposed to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family. And they had flown us out there and all we did was get high. And a friend told me, like, after I actually did get sober and I went home, oh, it's nice to see something other than the top of your head. And, like, that hit me really hard because it just was so, made me feel, like, so much like how I hadn't been, I hadn't ever been present, I hadn't ever been a part of, for any of my friends, any of my family, like, basically my whole life because I didn't know how to be. I didn't know how to be. Um, any of those things, um, before I got sober. And, like, um, like, that wasn't even on the radar for me. Like, I didn't even have any idea that that was such a big problem or something that was missing. Um, but the first couple years I was, um, in pharmacy school, like, um, the first year was pretty rough. But after that, like, I kind of got my groove on and things started going pretty well. And, like, I drank socially with people. And used heroin when I went home. And managed to keep, like, my school life, again, segregated from everything else. Which I learned for me was just, like, a really big part of my denial mechanism that I had a problem. Um, and then I, I couldn't tell you the, what happened that made me start using here. But I'm sure it was some trivial, stupid thing. Like, mixed up. Mixed with the fact that I knew where to get drugs. And then eventually I started using again. And, um, this would begin the last phase of, like, what was the last phase of, um, my long period of using. Which was, like, oblivion. Which everyone can kind of, has a different experience with that. But, um, at, like, at that point, every time I used, it was just to be gone. Like, I didn't use. I didn't use to be social and have fun and do things with my friends. And, like, hunt for springs outside. Or whatever it was that I was doing originally in high school. Like, it was just to not be here anymore. And, um, I think in my third year of pharmacy school, I kind of started. And then between the summer of third and fourth year, um, it just snowballed. And I started using again every single day. And, um, you know, there are things that happened that kind of, like, made that speed along. But, like, this was the trajectory I had been on my whole life. And, um, it's not surprising to me at all that that started again. And that it went as terribly as it did. Um, because that was just the direction that it had always been going. Um, but I, I don't know. I did some. Um, I stayed in school. Um, made it about halfway through my last year. And just at that point, I was going to, I had started going to therapy. Because I knew I didn't want to use anymore. And it was, like, every time I used, like, that whole time. Like, I would wake up in the morning telling myself I'm not going to get high today. And by 5 o'clock, I was high. My car was just driving to Ipsy. And I was doing nothing to stop it. And, and this happened to me every day for over a year. And, um, started going to therapy. She had me do these, like, exercises where I would write down the thought process that I was going through when I would make the decision to get high. Which made me realize that there just wasn't one at all. It was just like, hey, I want to get high. Okay, let's go. And, like, there was no fight whatsoever. Which was just really depressing, actually. Because I realized how much that it was just. Like, this thing that was just only hurting me. And, like, I still couldn't stop doing it. And I didn't realize that that was being powerless. I had also, during that time, started going to AA. And I came to AA for almost that whole year pretty regularly. Like, I would come to meetings high and couldn't relate. I didn't want to hear the God thing. I didn't think I could relate to you guys. You guys didn't have the same story as me. Like, um. I just saw what was different about every single person I met. And couldn't relate. And I was not going to pray. Everybody told me just to pray about it. And keep coming back. And I was like, that's crazy. I'm not doing that. Because there was all these things that I wasn't going to do. I wasn't going to do to get sober. In this weird cult-like program. And that just. But I liked. I liked coming to meetings. And I liked meeting people. Because, like, for some reason when I left I felt better. And I met some people that I really, really liked. And that I liked hanging out with. And, like, they wouldn't hang out with me when I was getting high. And that sucked. Because, like, I didn't really have any other friends. Like, I had a few friends from pharmacy school. But they all thought I was really kind of weird. And would ask me, like, what's wrong with you? And I was at parties and stuff. And, yeah, I don't know. So I didn't really have any other friends. I wanted to hang out with these people that I was meeting in AA. But I couldn't. I just couldn't get sober. I was stuck in this place where I would come to meetings all the time. And I was just getting high. And then I would kind of stop coming to meetings. And then I would come to the meeting. And I'd get sober for, like, I never got together more than, like, a week or two. So. In that whole. Like, however long it was that I was using and coming to meetings. And almost to the end of, like, what was supposed to be my last year in school. I had gotten a couple weeks together. Which was, like, a really big deal. Because I was using just to get through, kind of, at that point. And I remember, like, I had had, like, a few really solid, like, emotional bottoms by that point. My boyfriend that I had been with. Had. He. Because he was so sick that he needed to go to detox. Because I couldn't deal with that anymore. And he was spending all of our money. And he was, like, really fucked up. And so I sent him to detox. And then he got sober. And he left. And so then it was just me. And I was like, fuck. And, like, so then I was alone in my apartment with the dogs. Still using. But myself at this point. And, um. Yeah. Because I had sent him to detox. And then he ended up leaving. And so I remember, like, really clearly, like, while driving my car to go get drugs. Like, thinking that, like, if I overdosed, how would they find me? Like, what would be the thing that would cause someone to find my body in the apartment? And I just had this, like, I would have killed myself, I think. Like, if. I just had this horrifying thought that, like, they'd find me because of the smell. And the dogs would have started eating me in the apartment. And, like, I remember, like, actually thinking that that was, like, a reason that I didn't want to overdose in my house. Um. Like, there was another really, really bad moment where. Um. Because I was, like, a constant overdoser. I probably overdosed over a dozen times. Or dozens of times, actually. But I had started keeping Narcan. And I had Narcan in the house. So that when I overdosed, people could just give me the Narcan and I'd wake back up. But, like, towards the end, I was alone. So there was nobody to do that for me. And, um. I remember this one night I overdosed in my house. And, um. I don't know how long I was out. But it was, like, a pretty bad one. And, um. Like, the kind where, like, I woke up. And obviously the only thing that was getting me to breathe again was, like, my body creating this huge amount of epinephrine. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. And, um. Which, by that point, was really a lot. Um. But I had gotten. I had a few sponsors at that point. I lied to them. Mostly. And didn't do what they told. They suggested me to do. Ever. Um. Or. My first sponsor. Like, I told her. I just thought I started needing. I need to start working some steps. That's how I asked her to be my sponsor. I was like. I think I need to start working some steps. And, uh. So I started working some steps. And, uh. But I never stopped using. So it didn't help at all. And, um. So. Fast forward. I had found the sponsor that I have now. And, um. Had stayed sober for a couple weeks. Working with her. And then I relapsed again. And I went to school. And then the bottom fell out. Because I was so high. That I got sent home. And I almost got kicked out. And they. They really. They could have kicked me out. They probably should. Like. They. It was totally within their. Their power to kick me out. And. I came as close to getting kicked out of school. As anybody could possibly ever come. Without actually having it be over. And, um. And it like. Took the wind out of me. And. Because that was the only thing I had. At that point. Like I didn't have anybody. I didn't have any family. I didn't have anybody with me. That was the only thing I had. And that was. That was the only thing I had. And that was. Like my plan. And then it was gone. And I was close enough to graduating. That I had already. Ordered the invitations. I have a class of 2012 ring. That I bought. That I'm. Did. Wasn't in. And, um. And like. That was enough. For me to. White flag. And then it was. Like that moment. In the big book. It says we picked up the kit. Of spiritual tools. That had been laid at our feet. Because they had been there. Like the whole time. People had been throwing them at me. In the rooms. And. Trying to help me. And trying to help me. And trying to help me. And I was finally ready. To just give it up. And like that was my surrender. And. I didn't know what was going to happen. And. Life kept kind of getting worse. For a long while. Um. After I got sober. But. I stopped asking questions. And I started. Just doing what people. Told me to do. Like. You want me to go. Get treatment. Okay. I'm going. I'm going to go. I will. Do whatever it takes. Um. You think I should work these steps. You think I should pray. You think I should make a gratitude list. You think I should call women in the program. Okay. Anything. Except feeling the way that I feel. Right now. Because when I actually got sober. And I felt the way I had been feeling. And actually had to feel it. It was terrible. That first. Bit of sobriety. Was. Terrible. Terrible. Um. And the school didn't really know what they were going to do with me. Because. Surprisingly. That had never happened before. And. To them. And. And. Like. All of the things being said. Like. I had been a fairly good student. Um. I had done well. And all my. Like. Everybody. Liked me. And I knew all these people. And I had gotten good grades. And. Um. That was the only reason they gave me a chance. Um. And. And. I truly believe that. Because. Like. That. Happened that way. And it gave me that chance. That like. Me. Like. Having. Doing it right. And. Staying sober. And. Being an example. Of like. Yeah. We can do this. Even though. Like. I really. Really messed up. Like. That hopefully. That if somebody else ever comes. After me. And comes through. Like. Then they'll give them a chance to. And. Um. So. They didn't really know what they were going to do with me. It took a really long time. For them to like. Give me a decision. On anything. Um. But. Basically. I. Um. I'm in a monitoring program for three years. And. They. Didn't want me to graduate. Until I was done with that. So. I'm still in school. At. Um. And. Basically. Basically. It's weird. Because I. At this exact moment in time. I am exactly where I was before. I'm currently working on the floor. In the exact place. Where I got busted. And. I've. Made amends to all those people. And it's a comfortable. Wonderful place to be. And I didn't think that could ever happen. For me. Um. But it's weird. That. Like. I'm literally. Exactly. In the place right now. Where I was. When I got sober. Or when I got busted. And. Um. You know. Like it. I think. Like. The big difference. Was that I stopped asking why. Like I stopped. Fighting it. And just. Accepted help. I stopped saying I know. And I just started. Saying please help me. Because I was out of ideas. And I was caught red handed. And um. I was miserable. Um. And. Like I found women in the program. And in my sponsorship family. That like. Have what I want. You know like they. Work the steps. And they sat down with me. And they read the book. And they. Um. They showed me how to live. And how to. Um. Be a friend. And how to be a family member. And how to. Be uncomfortable. And not get high. You know. I think I really only got through the first few months of sobriety. Because. People let me hang out on their couch. You know. Until it was too late. To call. The dope man. There was plenty of nights. There was a couple nights in early sobriety. Where I did try to call the dope man. And he was just an. Answer. And like. That's nothing. But the grace of God. Um. Because. That. I mean. There's no other. There's no other explanation for that. Um. I mean. There are people that literally held my hand. And days where I went to four meetings in a day. Because I wanted to use a bed. I wake up. I wanted to get high. I went to a meeting. I hung out with someone until the next meeting. Hung out with someone until the next meeting. Until. It was too late to call the dope man. And I could go home. And be by myself. And like. That's how I got to. That's how I got to. That's how I got to. That's how I got to. That was the only way I could get through. And. You know. I worked the steps. My life has gotten. Just insanely better. Like. Every month. That I've done that. And like. Everybody would say that. But like. I couldn't even. Possibly put into words. Like. It's like the trajectory that my life was on before. It has just reversed itself. And if it is possible. That life gets this much better every year. For the rest of my life. I can't even possibly begin to imagine. Where I'll end up. Where I'll end up at the end of it. And. And I do actually believe that it will. Because. People tell me that it does. And I have faith in what people tell me now. Because I've never had someone. Tell me something. That like wasn't. Like about AA. And about recovery. And like all these things that we say. Like it. So far. It's all been right. And it's all been awesome. And it's all been way better than the way I was living before. And I will take it. Because it works. And. I've done some really stupid things in sobriety. Like. Getting in a car. Getting in a relationship in early sobriety. I really don't recommend that. We give a whole talk on why that's a bad idea. If you'd like to hear it after the meeting. I've gone through some really hard things. In sobriety. I have dealt with an eating disorder in sobriety. Which the 12 steps are also. A very good solution for it. And I didn't have to use. And it brought me to my knees. And there's recovery from that. In our 12 steps. And. And. And. I've become a better daughter. In sobriety. Like. I. Went to my dad's. Girlfriend's funeral. High. When I was getting high. And. That's one of the things I regret the most. Like in life. Like was not being present. And being able to be there for that. But there have been. Like my grandparents have both died since I've been in sobriety. And I was able. to be there for my dad through that. And we're so much closer now. And I'm close with both of my parents. And I have amazing friendships in this program. Like, I couldn't even possibly imagine, like, the friends that I have today. Like, I am so grateful for them. But thanks for letting me speak. Thank you.