The Garden Variety Alcoholic and the Bar of Consequences – Steve L.

Oh my goodness. I got stuff. I brought stuff. My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic. I'm grateful to be sober. It's only by the grace of a loving God that I even get to come to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, much less speak at a meeting. I mean, really? First of all, I'm not a circus speaker. And you'll definitely understand that after I tell my story for sure. Certainly, Teresa F. is a really good friend. This woman is a phenomenal speaker. I'm so sorry she couldn't be here today. If you ever get a chance to see her, I highly recommend it. Her message is powerful, powerful. The adversity that this woman has walked through with God's help and it's come out on the other side so much stronger person uh it's inspiring anyway okay so uh I met a I came here yesterday to meet Blue uh to get everything situated for the roundup you know I had to register and this and that and uh so I as as I met her I met a new friend go figure we I met an AA and he was from Ohio here for the convention and immediately he was so glad to meet me. He gave me this 24-hour coin. He said, it's the most valuable thing I'll ever own. I believe it. And he also gave me this prayer that's really poignant. I thought it was very appropriate for this time, so I'd like to read it. It goes, thank you God for another day, the chance to live in a different, in a decent way, to feel again the joy of living and the happiness that comes from giving. Thank you for the friends who can understand and the peace that flows from your loving hand. Help me to wake to the morning sun with this prayer today that thy will be done, for with your help I will find the way. Thank You, dear God, again for AA. I thought that was so appropriate for this time. My sobriety date is April 24, 2004, and for that I'll be forever grateful. I never thought I would be grateful for not drinking. In my mind, I thought it, you know, I had reconciled in my mind that I would probably be living the way that I was living and doing the things that I Was doing probably for the rest of my life. Consequences be damned and that's just the way it is. You know, i'm a typical garden variety alcoholic who knows how to lower the bar of consequences that happen as a result of my drinking so that I can continue. You know, the price that I thought I was going to have to pay, you know, for that consequence from the drinking, as it turns out, was only the down payment. And that's certainly been the story of my life. You know I grew up in Chicago, one of five, the middle of five. To me that spells immediate identity crisis because, you know, I have an older brother and older sister and younger brother and younger sister. And for me stuck in the middle, you Know, I couldn't get away with the stuff that the younger kids were getting away with. And I certainly couldn't do the other things that the older kids were having. You know, they would have certain privileges that I couldn�t. And so that left me somewhere stuck in a middle, um, you Now, I kind of gravitated one between the other vaccinated, I should say, between the younger kids and the older kids. And so we had lots of friends in where we grew up in Chicago. Our house was the neighborhood hangout and it continued on that way all throughout our years growing up there and especially through high school. We had in Chicago their basements and so every weekend there would be a house party. You've seen that movie, right? The house party. And we would charge a dollar admission. There would be like the little index cards that indicate there would be soda and chips for a certain price. But the beer was under the table. Shh, right. And these are parties in high school. You know, they were so great that we decided to continue on with those during the weekdays as well. During the weekday, we called them rise and shine parties, whereas we were supposed to be at school. We were at someone else's house, someone else parent's house I should say, drinking, smoking, gambling, playing cards and other stuff and you know that's just how I grew up. I mean you know so by the time I realized that you know a little time had slipped away I had all of a sudden missed like 88 days of high school in my freshman year and you know by the Time my parents got wind of it because they thought I was going to school every day. By the time they got wind of it, you know, they didn't get really, really upset and that kind of scared me a little, a little bit because my parents are not yellers and screamers. They're the sitting you down, giving you the two-hour lecture type. So as they were sitting me down, I'm getting prepared for this two- hour lecture. They were like, you know what? Here's the thing. We don't care what you do. This is your life. You have to make a decision whether you, if you're going to stay in our house, you're either going to school or you're going to get a job or you go into the military pick one right and so immediately you know they kind of shook me out of mind you know a little I got a little serious about my studies and I did manage to graduate on time with the help of summer school and all of those kinds of things so you know that just went to prove to me that I can accomplish anything I want to when I put my resolve in effect, right? That taught me that. Rewind just a little bit. You know, when I was like 16, I had a friend who had a garage band and one of his favorite things, they had a Garage Rock Band and I used to go by there to listen to these guys rehearse and I always had this thing for music, you know, you now would learn the songs on radio, like pick them up like that and you know I bugged this guy like for weeks to teach me how to play the bass guitar and it was certainly a passion of mine. I was just obsessed about learning how to play. I thought it was so cool. You know meantime during those rehearsal sessions there was of course drinking and other things and of course you know that was another attraction for me being there. You Know I hung out with this guy every day I was over his house with him teaching me how to play. Within four months, I was better than he was. Within six months, as we were rehearsing in his garage, someone came by and heard us play and asked me if I would like to join their band. They needed a bass player for that weekend, and they would pay me 500 bucks if I could learn these 20 songs, 20 or 30 songs. You know what, dude? I got the cassette tape from them cassette and I had arrived you know what I mean I didn't want to date myself there but this was a cassette tape I learned the songs we had one rehearsal we did the gig and they paid me the money I had a ride man this was it this is what I wanted to do and uh you know it came so easily and naturally to me um being able to pick up large quantities of music would certainly be my forte later on as that became my pseudo-career, so to speak. So I went to school. I went to college for music and got my degree. I played on a bigger stage than this West, but I played with some famous and some not so famous people, some infamous. It's what it is, it's the business. And, you know, I remember my first gig in one of the venues. There's lots of like neighborhood bars and taverns and lounges and clubs in Chicago. Lots of opportunity for you to expand if you want to go into the music business. There was a lot of opportunity for you just to go somewhere if you just want to play and sit in. So that was my thing, especially when I was in college along with that you know the whole lifestyle goes along with it now you know I get my first professional job at around 16 17 years old I'm not even supposed to be in the joint much less play there much less drink there so of course it's illegal for the bartender to serve you at 16 years old so they would always be like drinks lined up on a bar one, two, three. He would whisper over to me, Steve, this one's from her. This one's from her and that's from him. And you know, I didn't want to offend anyone so I drank them all. I think it was a part of my, our job to be social and connect with the crowd and you know build a following. That was our job. To build a follow-up so they would follow us around you know we had our little follow we had a little groupies and all that kind of stuff and uh boy oh my gosh back in the day those are the days boy uh and so it was fun and it became fun with problems as usual and then it just became problems became problems some guys couldn't make it to the gig and uh perform that means i can't get paid I've worked all week wait a minute what do you mean I can't get paid I would have some studio dates as well we did some recordings and I was called in to do recordings and all those kinds of things with some some groups that had heard me play and you know I kind of built up a little bit of a reputation you know because I would be able to come into the studio, get their business done quickly and get out. That's what I wanted to do. However, in this business, if you don't do what they do, then you don'T build a type of trust bond. And so your phone won't ring as often for sure. And if they don't trust you, you're not working. And so in order to fit in, I wanted to do what they did. I had to get along and do what they did it was that simple never mind the fact that I was the youngest guy in the group uh I think as when I was 18 uh the the guy closest in age to me at the time had to be like 26 so suffice it to say you know these guys you know gave him my adult education early early I learned how to drink and I learned How To Hold My Liquor because I didn't want them making fun of me. I didn't want to be the weak link in the chain. You know, that experiment didn't go always so well. You knows, I paid a heavy price for that. You know, the whole gastronomist thing. Sometimes I was able to hold my liquor and then other times I was not. So I just had to find the right combination. I knew if I could find the right combination, maybe if I ate first and then drink or do olive oil, eat first and then drink or maybe get the right amount of rest eat first then drink or buttermilk olive oil eat first and then drink countless vain attempts to prove that i can drink like normal people you know not knowing that i'm an alcoholic i didn't know that see the thing is i'm i'm not a heavy drinker i've never been a heavy drinker ever. You know, I can drink a six-pack and on a good day, I could probably polish off a 12. That's the whole day. But aside from that, like liquor? No, sir. I'm, you know, lightweight. Does that not make me an alcoholic? I kind of think it does. According to the criteria in our lovely big book it describes that if when you sincerely want to stop you find that you cannot or if whenyou start drinking the amount that you consume you can't control that it's an either or or and both proposition and i didn't know that i didn' t know that he it says also that if this is be the case then you're suffering from a disease which only a spiritual experience will conquer. I didn't know that either. So fast forward here. So, you know, what happens is what always happens when I'm living that kind of a lifestyle. The phone stops ringing because I become unreliable. You know, my music isn't so sharp anymore. I'm not showing up on time for rehearsals. I'm nicht learning the material as fast as they want me to. I'm not, you know. And of course, I'm falling asleep during rehearsal because I've been up all night, don't you know? So eventually my phone stopped ringing and I got the hugest resentment. Well, I'll show them. I'll just stop doing it for a while and go back to school. That's how I handled my resentment. I went back to college and decided in my delusional thinking that I would take on this huge challenge of a heavy full-time student schedule like I did in the past. See, in the past, when I got my first degree, it was work, school, rehearsal, gigs on the weekend. Full plate, right? And I thought I could do it again with a head full of booze and it just didn't work out because while my head was in the books, I still had my friends who were still wanted me to come party with them. And I had to set that aside in a favor of taking care of my studies. And after a while, what happened was they wore me down. I wanted to have fun too. And of course, I relented and started hanging out with them, and as a result, my grades suffered. Fast forward here, I did manage to get a decent grade point average, though. You know, I changed my major from music. I saw the correlation in music composition and mathematics. At first, I was going for accounting, and then a guidance counselor talked me into choosing actuarial science as a major. Now, actuariel science is perfect for Vegas. An actuarial scientist is basically a bookie. They're an odds maker and they do mortality tables and whatnot for insurance companies, that's what they do. And you know it's very heavily math intensive and it was just right up my alley. I understand that kind of thinking, I do. So I'm studying this for a while and I'm getting student loans to go to school and all of a sudden the money stopped and I couldn't go back. And I got the hugest resentment. So at the time, I had to drop out of school. Here's three things happened at the same time. My fiancee at the Time, who was also in college at thetime, she was pregnant with twins. I figured I better study hard because I'm going to have this responsibility. And we were going to get married. The third thing was I had just lost my job. And the fourth thing was, I just got evicted out of my apartment. I'd had to move back home with mom and dad. So all of these things happened within the course of 30 days, and I got this huge resentment. Matter of fact, you know, I guess it was against God. It got a case of the efforts with God. Forget it. Why am I trying so hard? And it gave me an excuse, really, for my disease just to take off. My disease took off, And I went into the bottle and into the other party favors that we don't mention in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? And for the next 15 years or so, you know, it was a downhill slide. I did the geographic thing moving from friend's couch to couch. And I remember one time being evicted from one apartment where my 72-year-old grandmother had to drive 160 miles from another state to come rescue me. I also remember getting this high resolve, thinking that this time it's going to be different. This is what I need, a fresh start. That's all I need is a fresh start. I'm just having to run a bad luck. And I go up there where she lived and stayed there for a couple of years to help her out. Right? And as it turns out, you know, I didn't know that water seeks its own level. If you're not done, you're not done, and I certainly was not. I was still trying to manage and control this deal. I'm moving to a small town with 2,800 people. There's one stoplight and three bars and nothing else to do, right? And I swear to you, with all that's within me, I thought I was controlling and managing my drinking. I swear it. But see, here's the type of alcoholic I am, and I didn't know this at the time. You know, despite the fact that I'm not a heavy drinker, I do have a high tolerance. You Know, I develop it quickly, you know, because the amount that I want to drink to control and enjoy my drinking, it'll maybe start off with, like we all say to the cops, two beers. I had two beers, officer. And so I'm drinking the two beers and after about a week, two beers stopped giving me a buzz. Now I have to have four beers to control and manage my drinking. I have the four beers and that'll probably last for another, I don't know, month or so. And then the next thing you know, I get this bright idea. You know what? It's not working all together. I think I'll just make that phone call for one of my other favorite party favors And I sincerely, when I got here, thought that that was my problem. I really did. I really Did. As it turns out, in that small town of 2,800 people, I managed to find out where my favorite party favors were. And shortly thereafter, I was quarterly asked to leave again. You know, I got to go. It's getting me out of control. I go back to Chicago and uh uh go live with my sister until I get on my feet because I found a job I get down there and uh I met this girl she was um ex-heroin addict but a really bad alcoholic and uh but again you know these are my people you know seeking lower companionship and all of those things that we do, well I do. You know I thought it was a perfect fit. I moved in with her and little did I know, I thought she drank like I did but no. I thought It was going to be acceptable the way that I drank in her house. As it turns out it was unacceptable to her the way I drank and she unceremoniously asked me to leave. Imagine that, I'm paying the bills and she asked me to leave. And so I leave and I have nowhere to go. There's a men's rooming house about a mile or so away, and I go stay there. Now this is a flop house on the north side of Chicago. The rent there is $17 a day, $150 a month. I think it's $150 per week. And for the life of me, I couldn't pay that rent because it interfered with my drinking money. So being unceremoniously asked to leave that place, right? I'm on my way. I'm experiencing this incomprehensible demoralization thing you guys talk about. And I was on myway to one of the soup kitchens that was really close by to get something to eat. And I'm oblivious to whatever else is going on around me. I'm walking underneath one of The L tracks in Chicago. They have overhead trains and the train is going past me and I'm a little bit lost. I'm just oblivious. To what's going around me, the next thing I know, I look up and there's this guy. He walked up to me and put a gun in my gut and asked me, told me to stick him up, give me what you have. I looked at him like he was crazy. Now, you know, I had just come off of a three-day run and I was dead broke. I was on my way to the soup kitchen and I told this guy, man, seriously? If you pulled the trigger right now, you'd probably be doing me a favor. See, I'm homeless and I'm on my way to a soup kitchen right now right around the corner. So what? And he looked at me, he looked, they saw that look in my eyes. You know that look, that defeated look that we get. And he knew I wasn't kidding and he asked, he said, just go on about your business man. Stuck the gun in his waist pocket and left. You know, you would have thought that would have been my wake-up call, but it certainly was not. It certainly was none. So fast forward from that situation, you know, prior to that, the thing was my parents had moved out here in Las Vegas in 1988. And, you know, for the next five years I barely said a word to them because in my mind I had this huge resentment against them because they left me and came out here and even bothered to ask if I wanted to come. Well, little did I know, you know, the fact that they moved out here in the first place was because they were trying to get the heck away from me. You know, our, my parents' home, you Know, God bless them, was party central. You know we had a lot of friends that came over and it was just, you know, not good for them. And, you know, they came out here to Las Vegas on vacation for two weeks. They wanted to visit my aunt who lived here at the time. My aunt, she, God bless her, she encouraged them to buy a house here. It was during the boom, you know, and so they came back from the two-week vacation saying, okay guys, guess what? You know what? In two weeks we're leaving, we're moving to Las Vegas you have to find somewhere else to live and I was like yeah sure right okay yeah right and so two weeks later here comes the moving van and I'm totally unprepared right and it's their fault it's Theirfault so we barely speak a word for the next five years and you know it's a high and buy kind of thing when we do talk, and so they invited me to come out on my birthday. They wanted me to come out to visit them. You know, I guess they were missing me, and no. They wanted me come out just to visit, so they bought a round-trip ticket, and I swear I had no intentions on staying here. I didn't want to be that guy you know that guy so I so I was I had every intention on just coming out to visit when I get out here they're selling me on the idea of Vegas and there's jobs and opportunity you should come you should consider staying it's all good you can stay here for a while till you get your act together and that's all I need to hear the magic word right and really to be honest you know I was kind of between jobs and relationships at the time. I figured coming out to Vegas was a good idea, and so I came. And, you know, I had this really high resolve to get my life in order. Really high resolve because, you Know, pretty much I had failed at this point and everything else. I may as well try something different. So I come out here, and I knew what my solution was. You know, it was those people I was hanging out with in Chicago. You Know, they brought me down. they brought me down and uh you know i just need to stay away from those people and i'll be fine forget that drinking is a problem that never even occurred to me much less would i consider stopping but my solution to any situation at that time was to try to control and moderate never never abstain who does that right so i come out here with this really high resolve to get my act together. Eventually, I do find a decent job, and I'm doing well. I mean, for the next few, almost six months or so, I'm dealing pretty well, taking care of coming home when I'm supposed to, not staying out all night, not hanging out with, you know, drinking. I would just drink at home. I made a decision that I would only drink at Home, and that's what I did, and so I stayed out of trouble that way but certainly I didn't know I was feeding my alcoholism. What happens is what always happened eventually you know drinking took on a whole new importance in my life without me even realizing it and I lost that job and you know I again water seeking its own level i found those people who do what i like to do in las vegas i didn't know a single soul here and go figure you know and and off to the races again man so when you're living like that of course what happens is what always happens i got asked to leave just one more time and uh and now and now i'm thinking to myself uh you know i this it's it's not me it's them right it's not me it's them and I finally figured out what my what I really needed to do I needed just find a girlfriend that has a place where I can stay who likes to drink like I do you know that's my solution that's my best thinking and uh and I find it and um and that's what I did and so never mind when you're living like that the fact that for me I become unemployable see my disease takes me to the it brings out my baser character defects like lying cheating and stealing so since I'm unemployable that's what I resort to becoming to support my living habits and um you know for the next five years um you know not only am i barely drawn a sober breath uh but everything that i do uh to maintain some type of living either it's you know when i finally do make up my mind to find some uh some kind of work it doesn't last very long and and i go back to committing crimes to support my habits because the crime paid more now figure this if you had the ability to go out and make like two thousand dollars in a day for a couple hours work and it was illegal would you do it of course none of you people would i know that but see all of us who are sober here today have been restored to our sound to sound mind and uh you know in my sound right mind of course that's not a good idea but when I'm in my disease and I'm out there and you know anything goes man I'm willing to go to any lengths and and I proceed to do that and again the price that I thought I was going to have to pay I thought it only ended up being the down payment and what happens is what always happens you know they they slap you on the wrist. 10 days here and in jail and 30 days there. And, you know, again, two grand, I'm weighing the options. Two grand, 30 days in jail. You know, that's 10 grand a week. I'll take the 30 days. Please don't ask me where that money went because I, you know, I had a lot of friends though. It was just insane. It was insane. And so eventually they stopped playing with me, of course. And you know, uh, I, I never been in trouble with the law until I come to Las Vegas. Go figure. Uh, no, I just never got caught. So I come from Las Vegas and get caught and now I'm sorry see I'm only sorry after I get caught right and um they decided to send me away on vacation for a little while for about 34 months or 36 months or so and um you know uh I figured I could handle that you know it was a nice long enough vacation for me to uh figure out a new game plan because when I got out, I wanted to be faster, smarter, better. Not not do it. Be faster, smarter, bitter, slicker, right? That was my plan but I couldn't wait to get out after six months and so I make the phone call and call home and talk to my parents and ask them, look they have this program where they release you early. And after six months, you're eligible to enter into house arrest. And if I could just come to your house, I promise things will be different this time. And I know exactly which buttons to push and which strings to pull. And they allow me to do that. And again, I come with the high resolve that I'm okay, I'm going to change this time, and I really wanted to, but I couldn't. See, because I went around the same crowd of people that I ended up, who were responsible for me being locked up in the first place. I had, I just had to let them know how good I was doing. Look, I'm out now. I'm not now, right? I just Had to let Them Know How Good I Was Doing, and you know, when they first pushed a drink across the table to me. I said, no thank you. No thanks. I have to go down to the parole and probation board on Friday, and I'm certain that they're going to ask me to pee in a cup. So I don't think so. I'm good now. Thank you. Thankyouverymuch. Well, see, little did I know that my disease was working in the back of my mind the whole time. I didn't know that, man. It was whispering in my ear the whole time, see Steve, here's how it works. Let me tell you how it works, see, they only UA you on Friday and if you have a drink on Monday, by Wednesday it'll be out of your system and you can get away with it, Steve, I just know you can. It's whispering in my ear telling me this, I promise and I believe it and the worst thing that could happen could possibly happen. You know, the first time I did that, I got away with it. That's the worst thing that could possibly happen to an alcoholic like me. Because see now, I'm slick and I can get away with it again. And so I took another week or so before I did it again, but I did It again. And this time my parole officer came by my house on Wednesday hey hey laviso how you doing i'm oh i'm good everything's good man i'm working i'm doing well staying out of trouble and this and that and he's like great you wouldn't mind going in the bathroom for me would you now to my mom there my girlfriend we go into the bathroom and i come out in handcuffs right yeah i see my mom she's one of these people very strong woman you know I tell you seriously I've probably seen her cry maybe twice in my whole life and that was one of them and see I'm responsible for that you know there's no amends to be made for that kind of behavior when you dash someone's hopes like that when they put all their hope faith and trust in you aside from the fact that it's your kid and see I understand that you know but I couldn't help myself and I didn't know that at the time so off we go again on the extended stay vacation and this time it was uh you know they uh they separated me from the rest of the population for four or five months where it was just me and the four walls to commune with in God you know I kept my sanity by remembering all the things that I learned and writing stuff on the wall since there's nothing else to write doing the pushups and all those kinds of things to keep my mind active and it was difficult but we got through it And when I was released, I just knew at this time that that was it. I'm done now. I'm really done. And within months, I'm right back to doing it again after I was released. I mean, that was my best thinking, my best plan. And I go back todoing it again. In about a year and a half, the same thing happens. This is what always happens. But this time, they're really not playing with me, the state of Nevada. up. So I'm going in court for sentencing, and they want to give me 10 years. So the judge looks at the prosecutor. The prosecutor stands up in the courtroom and says, Your Honor, this man is a minister of society. We think he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. He's had way too many chances. This is it. He should be locked up forever. And I'm looking around the courtroom wondering, who is he talking about? Who was he talking about? I was, seriously. I didn't see myself as that at all. But little did I know. So instead we split the difference and I take the deal and the deal is six, six years. And you know, I was awaiting sentencing. I remember, you know I didn' t want to cop a plea. You know, I was sincerely contrite and wanted to pay full restitution for what I had done. And the only reason that that came about was because when I was in the county jail, I was talking to this one fellow one day, this older gentleman. He was facing some embezzling charges from this company to the tune of about a little over $300,000. And altogether it was like 23 counts against him. and he's facing 50 years on the low end. And he was so convinced that he wasn't going to prison for the rest of his life. And I was a man in his late 60s. He was so certain, I thought, wow, did you read the paperwork? And he said, no, Steve, I don't believe that the God that I serve is going to allow for me to do all this time. And he were so certain about that. So he asked me if I wanted to come to a Bible study. I looked at him like he was crazy. I told him, I'm not coming to jail to get any jailhouse religion. And then when I go back out on the streets, go back and do the same thing I always do. I'm a hypocrite for crying out loud, right? So he thought it would be a good fit for me because I grew up and went to Catholic school and I kind of knew some of those Bible quotes that they were talking about. and I was explaining a couple of things to them while they were having a conversation about it, and he thought I could help a few people. So as a favor to him, I come to the Bible study, and it's me, him, and another guy, and he says, I ask him, dude, where are all the people at you said I was going to be able to help? And he looks at me point blank and tells me, Steve, let me ask you a question. Had you ever considered inviting anyone to come? now why would i embarrass myself that way right see here's the thing thinking of other people and their needs was so far off my radar never mind it they come into they're in jail with some real problems facing some serious consequences and you know a little prayer could maybe comfort them alone maybe if they get prosecuted and end up doing a little time so be it but there's people were in danger of losing their families, their jobs, their this and their that. And they're distraught. And why would I want to do anything to help them in that way? Right. So I never even considered it. So, I started doing what he suggested. And our little fellowship grew into about 27 guys. I remember it's four in the morning. I'm laying in my bunk. And I knew the reality of my situation. You know, not the whole going to prison thing because I know how to do time. but the reality of how I got there as a result of my drinking and using the reality the the reality of that hit me and you know I was laying in the bunk and I couldn't sleep that night it was four in the morning and it was right after breakfast and everyone jumped back into bed to get back to sleep before everyone else started farting and snoring and it's jail man and I'm wide awake. My eyes are wide open. I remember thinking, wow, I said my first honest prayer then. You know, God, I don't know if you're real or not. You Know, I see evidence of you in other people's lives but I don' t see much of it in mine. You Now, I sought you my whole life but never found, not really felt your presence in my life ever. And whatever this is that has me the way that I am, if you could remove it, I would be so grateful that I'd be willing to do anything. And as I pulled the covers over my head and started weeping for the first time in years, I was just overwhelmed, man, with, I don't know what it was, but there were some things it happened I shivered from my head to my toe and when I was done weeping silently in that bunk when I woke up today that next day I felt different something was different I couldn't put my finger on it and as I was reading in the big book about Bill's experience you know I had something similar to that can't exactly explain it to you but I know something happened in that moment that changed me. I am not that same guy. So as I'm doing my time there, I'm away at this WordCamp and I started to be useful. On Friday nights, I had that same Bible study thing going on every Friday, whether anyone showed up or not. I started teaching guys. I asked the lieutenant if I could start teaching GED courses for guys so they could have something to look forward to when they got out because they could take the ged test right then and there and when they got off they would have that paper and myself and another guy we put together a curriculum and i taught the english and math portion he taught the science and social science portion we had 41 students and the caseworker of the camp he put in for early release for me i really didn't want it because i was kind of busy he puts in an early release for me and uh within 90 days i was leaving i couldn't believe it and uh so as i'm leaving i'm uh in the awaiting area waiting for transportation there's like 10 officers there and usually there's only two i said what do you guys think i'm gonna escape or something? They were like, no, Levizo, we're just here to see you off. We wished we had more people here like you. You would make our job so much easier, but please do us a favor and please don't come back. I got it. Got it. You know, that really meant something. I, you know, that really hit me i was touched and you know i wanted to stay true to that word and uh and keep my word and um and so from that day to this this day i certainly haven't found it necessary to take a drink they put me in a halfway house which introduced me to you lovely people and i find out as i come to meetings that you guys are doing the things the thing i've already begun doing in my life service work prayer trusting god trust god clean house help others is that what we do and from that day to this you know i just gravitated to this thing with and i'm holding on with both hands i just do what you do i try to become a part of you know and bring something to the mainstream of life rather than take take take yeah i've been a taker my whole life you know since the drink problem has been solved and the obsession is gone now you know at which point does those character defects become unacceptable now what are we going to do about those you know I know that I'm powerless over them and only God can remove them but see I it takes so much for me to become willing you know I hold on to stuff like the guy whenever I suffer a loss in life man it has claw marks all over it because i don't want to let go i get comfortable i like my little comforts in life and like everyone else and i don'T WANT TO LET GO you know but it's so necessary i can't hold on to people places and things and expect to find god it's not going to happen and put that put that stuff before him it's NOT going to HAPPEN so I have this poem for you I hope you like it I know I'm about out of time here I have this poem here that I like to it's my favorite poem in AA and I kind of remember it a little bit someone was at the Tri-State Roundup and said how much they enjoyed it I saw them in the hallway earlier this week and I wasn't going to do it but I think you'll enjoy it if you haven't heard it if you have then don't spoil it for them okay okay it's called which place it goes i dreamed one night i passed away and left this world behind i started down that lonesome trail some of my friends to find i came to a signboard on the trail directions it did tell keep right to go to heaven turn left to go hell i hadn't been too good on earth just a hopeless boozing rake and knew at the crossroads the path i'd have to take I headed down that rocky path that leads to Satan's place and shook within, just knowing what I'd have to face. Old Satan met me at the gate. What's your name, my friend? I said, I'm just old sober Sam that's come to a sad, sad end. He glanced through some files. You made a mistake, I fear. You're an alcoholic. You're not wanted here. I said I'm looking for my friends and a smile stole over his face. If your friends are alcoholics, then they're in the other place. So I went back the other way to the crossroads I did see and turned right to heaven just as happy as can be. St. Peter smiled and said, come in for you. I have a birth. You're an alcoholic. You've been through hell on earth. I saw old Dub and Pete too and a gal named Belle and brother was I tickled because I thought they'd all gone to hell. So brothers all take warning. Learn something from this trip. You have a place in heaven if you try hard not to slip. If someone tempts you with a drink when you're not feeling well, just tell him you're going to heaven and he can go to hell. Thank you all so much.