The Freedom to Be Me and the Knot Inside – Dottie H.

but so you see that I was ready for alcohol long before I had any I just grew up with a normal Midwestern background the only thing is is I the emotions I had and it's just that I never learned how to deal with my emotions because the idea was when I grew up that if anything happened you pretend it didn't happen and you never talk about it again and it'll go away way. And so just normal things that happened, we would just pretend never happened. And I remember my first little friend that I had in second grade, she, my mother got a phone call and she died. She and her sister both died within an hour of one another from diphtheria before they had all the antibiotics and things they have today. And, uh, I remember that, uh. I didn't want to go to school anymore. I remember I begged my mother not to make me go to school and she made me go to school and you know i can remember going and having to sit next to the empty desk and i remember those feelings i had inside and i didn't want recess to come or lunchtime to come i didn'T know who i was going to sit with or play with and all those feelings but see nobody ever talked about it again it was like don't talk about it and you won't have to feel it and uh so that's way it was with any emotion that happened i used to when i was in about the fourth or fifth grade I used to take care of my invalid grandmother that was confined to her bed during the summers. And I remember one day my dad took me over to sit with my grandmother, and they took my youngest brother to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. And my mother called me from the hospital, and she told me to pray because they couldn't bring him out from under the ether. And I member I prayed real hard, but my little brother died. And I thought it was my fault because Mother had told me to pray, and I did, but he died. Now, nobody told me it was my fault, but that's the way I felt. This is how I dealt with my emotions. I just knew that it was My fault because she told Me to do that, and He died anyway. And I remember at the funeral giggling hysterically all the way out of church and at the graveside when they buried Him, and I felt so guilty. I knew I was a bad person because why would anybody laugh? And it's just that I had this thing. Nobody talked to Me about it, And I never told anybody about that until long after I was sober in AA because I was so ashamed of that. And I know today looking back that it, you know, the reason they didn't say anything is they thought it was a kid in hysterics and that it can come out in laughter or in tears. But you see, I didn't know that. The thing that controlled me all my life was not what other people thought of me but what I thought other people fought of me. And that controlled my life. I spent my time out there trying to live up to what I thought you wanted me to be so that I would be okay. So, of course, with this kind of an emotional makeup, you know, I didn't get into drinking until after I was out of high school. In fact, because it wasn't around, I wasn't in, you Know, they had beer. But, I mean, that's all. They didn't have cocktail lounges or anything. It's a dry state. So I didn't get into drinking, and I think I had my first cocktail when I was about 21. And I'd gone to Denver, and they had taken me to this place, and I didn' t know the names of any drinks. And so they told me what to get. And the name of the drink they told m to order was called The Thing. And I guess that was the idea, if you went to this particular place and you'd get whoever hadn't been there to order this kind of drink. So anyway, when the fire alarm went off and they brought this drink and it was on fire, and they put this little fireman hat on me, and that was my first cocktail. And so anyway, so I remember it. I didn't know it was going to be important, but, you know. But anyway, they told me I'd like it, and I did. And I wanted another one right away without all the fire and stuff. and then of course they took me other places and I learned the names of other drinks and to me it was magic I just thought man this is wonderful I mean it's nothing like all those spooky things you hear I mean this was magic I mean I just felt better I always had that paralyzing fear that I was going to say or do the wrong thing and because of this fear I usually would, you know, because things that always come out backwards are mixed up because I had such a fear. And so but when I took that drink, it was like a social lubricant. It took that knot away that was inside, you know, and I was able to talk and I was able to dance better. You know, I was able to be a part of, you know, I could even sing at the piano bars and things. I just gave me all this special confidence and I just loved it. Boy, I mean, I loved drinking. I just couldn't wait to be able to go out and have another one of those magic drinks. And, of course, I was never a good drinker. I never did have a lot of good drinking time because I got sick when I drank. Now, I had a built-in excuse why I got thick. I mean I had this weak stomach, you know, and I could throw up at anything. So when I would be so sick and have dry heaves, I thought everybody that had a weak stomach like me did that. And I always had that excuse. It's that weak stomach. That's why I get so sick. And, you know, and I would have the dry heaves many, many times. And you know how you just go back and forth to the bathroom? Finally, I'd lay on the bathroom floor, you Know, because it's closer than going back and forth, you Now, but I got so sick, and then I think, well, once I get my stomach settled, and Then it'll be okay, You Know, and Because I never wanted to get drunk, You Know, I just wanted to go out and feel calm. I just wanted to take that knot away. And, of course, I would go out and I'd get sick. But then I would Go and anything anybody told me Would keep me from getting drunk, I tried it. People told me that if you drank olive oil Before you went out, you couldn't get drunk. And I would drink olive oil. And then somebody told me one time If you drank cream, you Couldn't get drunken. I drank cream. And one time somebody told me if you ate chocolate, you couldn't get drunk. And I had a bunch of Hershey bars before I went out. Oh, mercy, with a weak stomach, that's bad, you know. And then I always ate dinner before I Went Out to Dinner because, you Know, I thought, well, you can't get Drunk on a Full Stomach. And by the time I go out and have a few drinks and then we order, I'll just eat a little bit. You know, my date will just think I'm dainty and feminine, you knows. Of course, you Knows, the only difference was I was a fatter drunk. and uh you know then if you've had two dinners you've got a lot more to perform you know but i just tried everything i remember when well i don't remember but i'm people would tell me you know i would go out and uh they would tellme i did things or i said things ori'd fall down or i'd knock something over and break it or i'd slur my words or they'd tell me these things and i knew they were lying i didn't remember that you know i would remember going and i'd remember coming home i just thought it was a short night you know because i didn'T remember all the in-between and then of course it got where i wouldn'T remember coming home i wouldn't uh know how i got home and i wouldn'T know where my car was and i remember having my other younger brother before he also died take me out trying to find my car because i DIDN'T know where it was and i DIDn'T know how I got home and I was scared to death, you know. And I remember my first date when I moved to California because that's where I really got into drinking. I didn't do it back home, but I remember it, my first day. And this girl from the church choir fixed me up with her cousin and we went down on a great big boat down on the marina. Now, I had never been on a big boat before. In fact, I'd never even seen an ocean until I went to California. And the only boat I'd ever been on in my life is a rowboat my daddy made in the garage. and on occasion we had this little man-made lake and he'd take it fishing that's my big boating career and you know if you come from a little place like that and you go to California they know everything out there I mean they're real worldly they know big stuff I mean you know they've been to Hollywood and fancy places and all these things everybody talked about all these places they'd been you know and the only place I'd ever been was A&W or Bobo's Drive-In you know it never impressed anybody but anyway you know and I kept trying to think of something to say and I hadn't had a drink and you know and the more I tried to think of something to say the more blank I'd get and finally I remembered that I had a brother that had a friend that had a boat and when I got a chance to say something I said well I have a brother and he has a friend that has a 19 inch boat now I didn't know I said inch instead of foot and I'll never forget the look on the guy's face and he said oh really he said well what's he do play in the bathtub with it And then, of course, I was so embarrassed. I wish I hadn't said it at all, you know, of course. But then we had a drink. And once we had a drink, it took that away and I was able to talk and do all those things. Now, I got in a lot of trouble when I drank. And, you know, a lot OF things happened, things I wish hadn't happened. Wish I could turn the calendar back so I didn't have to know what I'd done or what I said or who I hurt, you and hoping that somebody would tell me I was okay and things were all right without me asking, just to find out because I couldn't remember and I'd be petrified. And I was stopped by the police and never went to jail, thank God. But I remember one time my friend and girlfriend and I, well, we weren't really stopped because we were already stopped, but we were asleep in the car in the middle of the intersection. And, you know, and anyway, so, but the police were, they didn't take us to jail. They should have, but we made dates with them for the next night. And, but that we didn't show up. Oh, mercy. But anyway, and then I remember when she drove off, she drove over the curbing. But anyway. But like I said, many things happened. And the thing I like to remember most is my last drunk because it's what brought me to you people. And it's not necessarily where I ended up in the worst place or the worst situation, but it was the end for me. And I had my last drink. It'll be 29 years this Christmas, 29 years ago this Christmas. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. and uh anyway uh and i had gone uh out with the girls from the telephone company we'd gone out christmas eve day my parents had moved to california and a couple of my brothers and we had moved too um and so i had Gone Out With The Girls From The Telephone Company for lunch on christmas even we all had drinks but i mean you know after all doesn't everybody you know on christmass eve so um anyway then i went to my parents afterwards they were having a big get together and when I got there of course none of them alcoholic and I was in rare shape when I Got There and we went next door to an open house and I Was in a blackout shortly after I got there don't remember anything until Christmas morning when I woke up at my family's home and I don't Remember anything I about the night before and the people that were there but I pretended I did or I changed the subject or leave the room and I made up my mind I wouldn't drink and I didn't until dinner was on the table because I knew I could never guarantee my conduct once I took a drink. So, of course, I didnít have a drink until dinner was onthe table, and I got to thinking, ìIím only going to have one drink. I cannot possibly get drunk. Iím only goingto have this drink so I can stop shaking, so Ican at least feel part of my own family.î And, ofcourse, I fixed this drink in a water glass in the kitchen when nobody was looking, and I donít remember finishing the drink. I don't remember anything until I came to sometime in the middle of the night. And I just remember I came too at my family's home and it was dark outside. And I laid there with my thoughts, you know. What did I do? What did they say? Who did I hurt this time? And no matter how hard I tried to remember, I couldn't. And as I was laying there trying to think if I could just get up and get out of this house so I don' t have to find out what I've done or what I said or who I hurt. I just want to get up and get out of here. And as I was laying there trying to think of a way to get out of the house, I heard my mother up. And I'm sure my mother was up because she was unable to sleep laying in there worrying about me. But anyway, as soon as I heard her up, I got up and I met her in the hall. And my mother had that look in her eye that every alcoholic has seen in the eyes of the people that love them. You know, it doesn't matter if it's your mother or your father or your husband or your wife or your children, but every alcoholic has seen that hopeless helpless bewildered fearful panicky disgusted look that the non-alcoholic has that's the look my mother had she looked at me and she said oh why do you drink so much i was so ashamed of you again god i couldn't stand it you know i wish i could have looked at her and said mom you don't understand the only reason i drink like this is it's the only thing that makes me feel equal with other people. It's the only thing to make me able to function. You know, Mom, I've never wanted to make you ashamed. The only thing I've ever wanted to do is make you proud of me. You now, I wish I could go out there and be like my brothers. No matter what they did, they made the folks proud of them. My parents were good, decent people. They didn't deserve having someone like me. But you see, I hadn't been to you people yet, and I didn't know those things. thing I could do is the same thing I'd done so many times before, that's look at the floor so I didn't have to look in her eyes and tell her to get off my back and leave me alone because I had more important things to do than listen to her bitch at me. Of course I got out of there but it wasn't soon enough because she told me at some of my performance and how I had embarrassed the whole family and that they were all so ashamed of me. And they hadn't raised me to be this type of a person. And where had they gone wrong? And why was God punishing them? And on and on, and I couldn't stand it. But anyway, I got out of there as soon as I could. And I got in my car, went back to my apartment, crying hysterically, praying to die. I went in, threw myself on the bed, and said that same thing I always used to say. Why me, God? Why me? I didn't mean for it to be like this. God, I don't know why you made the mistake of putting me here on this earth and if you did make the mistake of putting me her I don't know why you leave me here you know I don' t know why he didn't take me rather than my younger brothers they could have amounted to something and I said finally God if there's anything that you have for me to do in this life I wish you would please show me what it is and show me how to do it and it was shortly after this I thought of a girlfriend of mine she and I at one time had belonged to an organization called Bachelorette and she had joined Alcoholics Anonymous and she married she had a new baby and she lived real close to me and I called her on the phone I got her out of bed it was still dark outside and of course she wanted what I wanted of course I didn't tell her I had a problem I just told her I wanted to come and see what she got for Christmas and she told me I couldn't come over till one o'clock and I didn'T think one would ever get there but anyway it was finally one and I got there and I did any more than get in there till there's a knock at her door and it's an AA couple You know, both of them sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know how they are. I mean, they came in hugging and kissing and wonderful and all over the place. And I was sick and hungover, and my life's over, and I want to die. And what do they do but drink coffee and talk about AlcoholicsAnonymous? So I thought it would be interesting. I listened. And I'll never forget the guy because he mentioned the word blackout. And I said, What's that? He said, It's when you drink so much you can't remember. Boy, I shut up. I didn't ask any more questions. And then he followed it by saying, he said, do you know that every time you have a blackout, you get brain damage? Oh, mercy. I couldn't get that off my mind. I was never the brightest thing in the world to begin with. You know, I thought now I've got all this brain damage, you know, oh, I couldn'T wait till they jolly hoed out. And, you know,, they didn't any more than leave another eight came wonderful and through and she finally left and I got up the nerve to say, I may have had one of those ones, you Know. I said, I just want to know what I can drink so I won't get drunk. And she said, seven up. And I never thought of that. But anyway, she took me to my first meeting that Friday after Christmas. Now, I went as a visitor. When I came to my First Meeting, I certainly wasn't an alcoholic. I mean, because they didn't have anything on television or they didn'T have all of these hospitals and things and places and you didn'T hear about it. You know, you almost had to know somebody that knew somebody or something. And then when they took us in, she took me to the largest meeting in the area at that time. It was about 125 people there. And when I walked in, there was a next-door neighbor to my folks. And I let them know I'm there visiting with my friend. And so then she took be up to the second row. And then they had whoever brought you in. They'd say, did anybody bring any newcomers? Because people just didn't come in by themselves. Somebody would bring them. and then whoever would bring them, they'd have them stand and they'd stand up and say they were alcoholic and they would say, and this is... And they'd introduce their newcomer. So anyway, they said, does anybody bring any newcomers? When they said this, I turned around to look. I wanted to see what they looked like when they brought them in. My idea was that they'd bring somebody in on a stretcher or something. And as I'm turned around facing the people, she stood up and she pulled me up. you this is Dottie and it's her first meeting. And I almost died. I thought, my God, the word's out. You know, I mean, there's nothing left for me to do but go to these meetings and be miserable the rest of my life, you know. And, you Know, I don't know about here, but, you Now, one thing you learn that if you try to be a martyr, you have to stand in line. You Know, they play this game, can you top this? No matter how bad you've got it. Somebody's got it worse, really gripes you too when you want attention. But anyway, they told me to get a lot of telephone numbers and they said call before I took a drink or any mood changing chemical. I didn't know what those were, but they said, call before you take a drink. They said, if you take A drink, uh, they said you're going to have to, uh. If you call us, we'll hang up on you. We won't even talk to you if you've had a drink because you're gonna have to finish out you're drunk. So the only thing is, is call before you take a drink if you want us to call. Well, I remember one time, I'm sure I must have had some major sadness of some kind and I decided to call. They had a big roundup and I couldn't afford to go and so my sponsor and a lot of people from my home group went. And so I decided to call people. Of course, you know, when you call, you never let them in on your secret, you know. You just call and I'd say, hi, you know, and they were either changing the baby or sitting down for dinner or something. and I'd hang up and be mad at them. You know, I'd say, see, they don't even care. And then I'd think, wait till I go and tell them, you know. But I was afraid to ever go and talk to them. Because I was scared they wouldn't like me. But anyway, you Know, but what I learned from that was when they said call before you take a drink, you know, they didn't say call and we're going to take your pain away. They didn't saying call and we are going to solve your problem. The only thing they said was call before you took a drink. You see, I found out it was really unimportant what anybody said on the other end of the line it was unimportant if they even answered the phone the important thing was that i took the action i did what they asked me to do and i'm sober almost 29 years and that's all i've done i've been in the hospital for a long time and i've done what they've asked me and my sponsor was the type that no matter what happened you know she'd say have you written your inventory i mean i could have car trouble or something on the way home and you know once in a while you have something and you want a little sympathy and you call your sponsor and i'd see my car wasn't running or some problem she'd say well have you written your inventory and i think well what warped thinking i mean i never told her that but i think you mean if i wrote about my inventory that's going to fix my car you know of course uh and then i always told her i'm working on it you know and then she told me i had to read the big book every day and i thought oh mercy i was never the good reader anyway and then it's a big book and a text book and then she said but all you have to do is read one paragraph and I thought well heck even I can do that you know I don't remember one time ever just reading one paragraph but I remember how excited I was when I finished the book and you know I went to the meeting I couldn't wait to tell her you know and of course by that time other new people had come in you know and she was busy talking to them and I though well I'm going to show her I'm not even going to tell her you know and as I'm getting ready to leave she'd say I want to talk to you you know and then we'd be the last ones in the parking lot. I remember I told her, I said, well, I finished reading the big book. She says, good, now you can start over, you know. But, you Know, but I did find it necessary to work the steps as they're outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did found that I had to write an inventory as it's outlined. And I didn't think it worked for me. I thought it was for all those people who had all those kids they didn't feed, You know, but, you know, I thought, well, I'll do what they ask. So and I remember when I took the fifth step and I found out it's a lot easier to do step five if you've done four. And, you Know, and it's much easier to do the maintenance steps, you know, if you'd done the ones previous. And so I just did what they asked me to do. I had a giggling problem for a long time. They nicknamed me giggles at my home group. And so they, after, and I would have done anything but talk. I'm telling you, if they'd ever told me I was going to have to talk, I'd have been long gone. I never wanted to talk. And I was the kind that when they had participation meetings, I'd hide behind the person in front of me or drop something on the floor or do anything, anything not to. And I remember the first time they called me, andI said, Oh, no, no. I can't. Please. And you'd give your little fit, andthey'd make you do it anyway. They said all you have to do is get up and state your name and your disease, andyou can sit down. And that's all I did for years. I'd say, I'm Dottie Alcoholic, giggle hysterically, and I'd go sit down. And after I was sober a year, they had an election and they made me secretary, but they had to read announcements. And I told them I couldn't do it. They told me I had to try, and I remember I was trying to read these announcements and I got the giggles. And somebody else had to come up and finish them. So then they tried the next week with the same results, and they decided I should be treasurer. And so I was treasuer. And one time my sponsor, after a sober year, she told me to go to the institutional committee meeting because um because see my group they said the click met in the kitchen after the meeting and man i wanted to be in the click and and so i met in a kitchen and i liked it back there because we this before we had styrofoam cups we did dishes you know we'd wash those cups and big conversation getting the lipstick off the cups and all this you know but i like that because i didn't have to talk i mean i could be back there when you're new they come in and they introduce you to about 50 people and then they all go on talking and you just stand there like a lump trying to fit in so it was a lot easier in the kitchen I could be alright there and I was doing those dishes and so after a sober year she told me to go to this institutional committee meeting and they probably had something for me to do and I said well yeah they probably have some dishes so I went there and I remember they were giving out panels that night unless you remember Bill Miller and Bill Miller was the head of the committee at that time and great big guy and I remember they gave me this panel and I told them I couldn't do it because I couldn' talk you know and they gave me this and I'll never forget he said to me well do you have a valid driver's license and I said well yes he said well do you have a car and I said yes he said well all you have to do is get the people and take them to put the meeting on and I said well I can do that and they gave me this panel at third in San Pedro in the middle of Skidrow in Los Angeles at the Volunteers of America. And so I took this panel up there for almost two years, and you know it was like a turning point for me because I would go up there and I can remember because they'd let the people in off the streets and a lot of them had come in off-the-streets, the homeless and people, just to come in to get a cup of coffee and a donut. And I remember one night this guy came in and he hadn't been cleaned up yet and you'd know he'd been on the streets a long time and he hadn't shaved or anything and he stunk real bad. And I remember he came up and he had this cup of coffee and he's trying to hold it and he was shaking so bad that he couldn't hardly get that up. But I remember sitting over there praying, saying, Oh God, just let him get it down. Just let him get this coffee down. And you know, I took my eyes off of myself for just a second and thought of another human being. Then I'd go back to the obsession of myself. Was I okay? Was I doing what you wanted me to do? Was I all right? You see, when I came in, I had my eyes completely and totally. The only one I saw was me. Was I okay and all of that? You see in this program, through these steps, slowly turns your eyes out till you can look your fellow man in the eye and be equal for the first time in your life. You know, first time I was ever equal, I was either above him or below him, but I was never equal till long after I was sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and had applied these principles to my life. And I remember the next month when I went back there, and this guy was cleaned up and shaved and sober. And I remember how grateful I was to see him. And it was like a turning point because I was thinking of somebody else. And that's how the program works. And then, I mean, I have many jobs in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Never volunteered so much for any of them but the dishes. But, you know, and I was on the service board, you know? And had to type minutes for the bulletin and did the things that they asked me to do, you know. And I was single when I came in. It seemed like, you Know, back then I was younger and there weren't as many young people. And it seemed like all couples were around and there'd be 10 couples in Dottie, 5 couples in Doddie, 100 couples in Dotty, you Now. It seemed Like, You Know, we had this 4th of July picnic and one girl didn't want to go because she didn't have a date and they said, That's okay, Dotty will be there. You Know. And so I was there. and anyway um but believe it or not i did date and i married another member of this fellowship and he was a widower and he had two children and so i became a wife and a mother all at the same time and i knew what it was going to be like i saw sound of music you know i mean you know they just sing and dance and yay yay together you know but it's not like that uh and uh you know the children's mother had taken her own life and so they had a lot of emotional needs and so they were very needy. And so I gave up my job to raise the children. And, uh, so we became very active in a lot things. I became active in Girl Scouts. I had a Girl Scout group meet in my home for over two years and was ice cream mother, playground mother, you know, and take them to the beach mother and all the things that you do you know to become active because they really needed someone to take an interest in them. And so we all just kind of grew up together. In fact we had a lot of eight potlucks at our house and different things and I remember when I think Jackie was seven years old she we had little party for her with her little friends and it's when they sang happy birthday our kids said keep coming back. They'd heard it so much they thought it was part of happy birthday but anyway we all just kind of grew up together and you know had a lot of good times and uh stayed you know active in the program and the kids went to alateen and things so we all were in a family and um you know how when you well you live you have your ups and downs and things go along and um we had just uh the last oh probably the last um six years six to seven years have been the most difficult years of my life you know i remember um i work for surgeons now and they're heart and vascular surgeons and i remember working in the back office and um one day when one of the first patients came in that uh for me to be assisting with the doctor and he had had an abdominal aortic aneurysm where they cut him from stem to stern you know and he came in and i remember when we took the dressing oh thank god it's healed up and i'll never forget the surgeon came inand he said oops it's healing too fast on the outside we got to open it up and he took that scab off and had to debride the wound and almost fainted and then each time this guy would have to come back every few days and they'd open that up and clean that wound out from the inside out and he said because if you if it heals too fast on the outside the infection can grow and it can be worse than before or else it can go to another part of the body and uh infect that and you know i thought that's just like a you know that's what our 12 steps do they debride the wounds the emotional wounds the hurts we've had uh throughout our life you know even as kids are growing up or whatever we've all been through our own pain in one way or another and so we have those wounds that we come in here with and what the program does in these 12 steps it goes in and debrides our emotional wounds and you know many times we see somebody come into this program and they seem to heal real fast on the outside. And then we see them disappear. Or sometimes we see them, you know, and they might heal real fast on the inside and it breaks out in another obsession or another addiction or something in their lives. So it's so important, the foundation that you get in this program, that you do what they ask you to do and you get these steps in your life because that foundation is going to keep you when all else fails and when the winds come. Because I'll tell you, the winds will come and the storms will come in your life and those dark times and dark tunnels will come. But the thing that's so important is that foundation that you build. And so that's why it's so importante to do these steps, the fourth and fifth and your maintenance steps to debride those emotional wounds, to get that out so it doesn't fester and go someplace else. And so that's what's important to me, and I'm grateful I had that kind of teaching when I came in because I'll tell you these last few years have been very difficult for me because I've had a lot of pain through these times. I had found out I had a hereditary blood disease, and I had been in the hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, under research with this blood condition. And I have a cousin in Kansas, one in Pennsylvania, and my mother had it and one of my aunts. And so they painted bad pictures, you know, And I know what happened to my mother and my aunt. And I'm sure that must be what my grandmother had. But my one aunt was in an institution the last 15 years of her life with it because something clogged that part to the brain. And so they, you know, gave you these scary pictures. And I remember coming back from the hospital, and, you Know, they paint these bad pictures. And I was so afraid they were going to take my driver's license away from me, you know. and then i came back and the uh there were a lot of things uh going on i had this to be concerned about and you see but the thing is i realized too that uh we have a god of miracles because i've been to aa and i've seen the miracles like i talked about in the beginning because you see if god can take alcoholism he can certainly take you know a blood condition or anything else we're willing to give him uh and uh so i uh started doing uh the things that i i had to do and but through this time i was having some of the manifestations of this and then uh we had a business that turned upside down and a partnership breakup that was painful the children were out doing their things that break a mother's heart you know and uhso there was just a lot of things going on and um we had some financial difficulties we had our car stolen house robbed i mean you know it just seemed like one thing right after another and then i lost both of my parents within a year and my aunt died two days after my mother and one of my dearest friends died the month before my mother my sponsor had moved down uh near san diego i mean it just seems like you know uh a wave would come in knock me over and i'd get up and just about get dried off another wave had knocked me over and I just about get dried off and finally the typhoon hit when the typhon hood hit it took it all and my husband left and he married immediately and i was devastated i was in such shock i had no idea and i absolutely uh my body even went into shock and then to watch the children and their reaction and the grandchildren and there wasn't anything I could do about their pain except just see them. And, I mean, it just was a very difficult time. And the only thing I was capable of doing at that time was I had a little dog that we had gotten in Canada and the only think I had to do was walk him and feed him. And that's about all I was able to do. and that's what i i did i would be able to just walk him and feed him and uh and he was there with me just was with me all the time and i and so that's all i would do is lay in my bed and cry and pray and uh and just take care of the dog 10 days after this after my husband left and i found out and he left But ten days later, somehow the youngest daughter came over and inadvertently let the dog out through the garage door. I had my gates padlocked so he couldn't, you know, when he went outside, he couldn'T get out of the gates, and he was hit and killed by a car. I'll tell you, I couldn't believe it. She came in and carried this dog and said he was dead. And I couldn'T believe it, I said, God wouldn'T take my dog. I mean, He's taken everything. I said, you mean he'd even take my dog? You mean I'm not even worthy to have a little dog? He'd have to take my dogs? And my dog was dead. And I'll tell you, it's been a long walk from where I was that day to where I stand today because I had a lot of things I had to deal with. I had lots of grief. I had lot of pain. I had lost a lot. I had not finished grieving over my parents, the loss of my parents or anything at all just came to much I had so many things and I would just lay in my bed and cry and pray and read my 24-hour book and I read the big book I read The Bible every day I prayed I talked to God I wrote letters to him I told God it wasn't fair and I told God I said I know you didn't do it but you could have changed it you know and all this kind of stuff. And then I had a lot of car trouble, you know, and I can remember what I keep my commitments because you see, I had that foundation. I got here. I had that foundation that's why it's so important because in when the storms go a lot of times your head doesn't go but your body does and eventually your head catches up with you. But anyway, I went and I remember one night my car breaking down again on the way home. And I remember I just got out of the car walked home at 1130 at night, and I didn't even care. You know, I thought I didn t even care because sometimes it was so difficult. I just didn t care if I made it one more day. I didn d want to make it many times. I did n t want to have to get up and go out there and start all over again and figure out how I m going to do this. And I had to go out and try and find a job. I had to figure out what I was going to support myself. And you know I hadn t worked in over 20 years, you know? And I ll tell you when you re my age and you haven t worked they not looking for you you know and i remember going and taking tests and i remember uh one they give me these math tests and they'd have new math and i forgot old math you know and um i remember once i got 65 i was so proud and then they gave me typing tests you know in cars uh you know been a long time and they removed the carriage thing and even haven't anymore that button and uh you know so it was really tricky and you know i I wouldn't even get in for the interview because I couldn't pass the test. And then I was so pitiful anyway, you know. And then, I'd go home rejected one more time knowing, God, I can't even make it out there, you know. And I ended up, you know, I had garage sales and I rented rooms. I did whatever I had to do to keep things going. But I needed medical insurance because of my condition and everything. And so, I was trying to figure out how to do this. One time, I was at somebody's 40th AA birthday and they knew I was looking for a job. and there was a gal there in the personnel department, and so she gave me this job in this personnel department and it was like an hour and 15 minutes on the freeway away from home, but I didn't care. I had a job. I was so excited, you know, and I got this and I drive out there and then I'm trying to deal with courts and things and stuff and hearing things that were like somebody turning the knife, you know, and so all these emotional things as well and then the kids' reaction and stuff. and so I would go out there and get to work and I'd go early and I would stay late and I just worked so hard because I needed that job I had to have a job you know and I remember somebody told me one time they said well get some praise music and I said what's that and he said well you can go to this store and you get something just tell them you want some praise music and you're just thanking God and praising him and it's real neat you get this music and you play and it'll make you feel better so I went and got this tape and I put it in my car and I'd sing all the way to work, you know. Things were drastic going on all around me, you know, and I sang that and I, you know, and I get to work and I feel pretty good, you know, and I work and then I sing all the way home, you know and it worked real neat and so after I was there 90 days, I got insurance and they gave me this write-up, you know and they said excellent, excellent, excellent and I cried. She said but it's good. I said I know, God, I can't imagine I'm okay. A month later, they laid me off and i thought oh no you know and so then back out looking for a job by that guy you know i mean i was the new employee and their census had gone down or whatever so then here i am out looking for a jobs again and i'm out there and um trying to find a job i ended up going to school and uh working part-time and renting rooms and selling things and uh so somehow rather i made it, and I ended up getting another job. And see, during that time, I had medical insurance because all they had to do was pay what this company, it's a large company, and what they paid because they have this COBRA thing, they call it. So I had this medical insurance. Then I get this other job, and now I'm just there, and he, and when I am eligible for insurance, well, the check bounced that the guy wrote for our insurance. And then he ended up selling the business, and out of a job again, you know? But I still had my COBRA, and then I finally got the job I have now. And when I got that job you know God's timing is perfect always perfect because you know when I the day I was eligible for insurance at this day was the very first day that I was without Cobra there I did not have one day without insurance but I did Not have one with two insurances Because God's timing is perfect. And one thing you learn is how to be patient and wait on the Lord. You learn that. And to be able to surrender everything, everything. You learn to surrender like it talks about in our program. When we come in, we surrender everything good and bad. You know, we don't just surrender the good. We surrender the bad. and the pain and everything we learn that surrender and you know um god is faithful whether we are or not he is faithful and so uh anyway then i got the job that i that i have today and i have the insurance and you Know but through this time i've learned a great deal uh you know i uh one thing i did i i needed something because to fill my time at times And, like, Sundays were hard for me. And anyway, I joined this softball team. It was this fellowship softball team. And I signed up because they said anybody could sign up. Well, I signed up. I mean, they were all young people and me, you know. But they had to take you, you know, and they did teams. And I know, I'll never forget the guy said, well, what position do you play? And I said, I don't know. I've never played. And I said, besides that, I'm afraid of the ball. But anyway, they put me on this team, and he told me I could be catcher. Because, you know, it was softball, and the ball had to come and hit the plate, see, and then bounce up, so it was kind of like just pick up and throw. And my two oldest grandsons, well, my grandsons would come, and the oldest daughter before I had my other grandson. But the three other grandsons Would come with my daughter, and we'd take our lunch, we'd have a little Sunday picnic, and Grandma would play baseball. And then my two oldest grandsons were bat boys, and they'd tell me what to do and be my coach and everything. And then every once in a while I'd get up to bat, and every once of a while, I'd hit it, you know? And they'd say, Run, Grandma, run! You know, I get to first base, and then my oldest grandson, he'd come over and say, Now, Grandma now, when I tell you to run, you run now. And boy, they'd tells me, and he'd tell you, you've got an RBI and this and that and everything, and everything you know. And we just had a great time. But, you know, I'd have been afraid to do that before because, you now, I would be afraid somebody would laugh at me because I'm not any good. You know where they might make fun of me, that old gal out there with all those young kids. But,you know, the thing I learned through all this is the freedom to be me, to be who I really am and who God made me to be and that it's okay whether you agree with me or whether you don't or whether like me or whether don't. You see, I learned to keep my eyes focused on my god and not on the circumstances let me tell you every time i focus on the circumstances i'm in trouble but when i keep my eyes on god i'm okay because i know everything's going to be okay no matter what and i also uh bought myself i treated myself to a boogie board And, you know, and I like to ride the waves. And, uh, you know, I can't swim, but uh, but, you know, I don't go out too deep, you know. But I go out there with my grandsons, but they kept borrowing my boogie board, and I had to get them boogie boards for Christmas. And, you know. So we could go out there together, me and all the kids. You know, and they'd say, here comes the waves! Grandma, we'd ride those waves in, you know. And, everything, it was fun, you know? I got to do those fun things. And just be me the little kid in me likes to have fun and that's okay and uh so uh you know i've had these freedoms to do these things you know I remember at one time I thought I was like in a boxing ring you know. I was liking a contender and I wasn't prepared and you know how they have these little rings and all of a sudden this bell goes ding and they push out there somebody's beating their brains out you know and uh they'd go eight nine and I think oh thank god I wanted ten to come I didn't want to make it. I don't want to have to get back up, you know? And about nine and a half, ding! You know, and then they'd pull you aside, you know, and then, they'd put you in the corner and try and stop the bleeding and, uh, you'd have your AA and Al-Anon sponsors there going, yeah, yeah! You're doing good, you know? And I think, well, yeah. It's okay for them. They're on the sidelines, you know? And then, just about the time you get the bleeding stopped, ding, and out you go again, you know? And then people say things to you. Well, they never give you any more than you can handle. And I'd say, well, he has this time. And then another thing they'd say no pain, no gain. Or another one they'd say, but look at the growth you're going to get. Look at the depth you're going to have. And I say, but I like to be shallow. I mean, I don't want any depth. Is it okay if I'm shallow forever? But somehow or other, the fight's finally over and you're in traction for a while. And you finally get back up and go back out there again. And I remember I used to talk to God and pray and everything, you know. And I was open for things. You know, some AA people took me to a church, a fellowship church. And they said that they prayed for people that were sick and that had diseases. And a lot of them got healed. And, you see, maybe before I wouldn't have been open for that. But I was opened. And I went. And they took me into this church. And they had me go up for prayer afterwards. And I wound up a number of weeks. And nothing happened. But one day I was there, and the pastor had called out this illness. And I knew it couldn't be me. There's like 7,000 people there. And then finally he said, well, it's a woman. And I said, Well, I'm still not in. And finally he says, And she's going through a divorce. And I new it was me. And I went forward, and they prayed for me. And then the next morning in the reading that I read, there was verification about the iron in my system that my body wouldn't assimilate iron. and it built up in my organs until they didn't function right. And I was prayed, and they prayed for me, and they'd prayed about this iron swimming out of the system and then the words that were given for me to look up in the Bible the next day was talking about the iron axe handle floating to the top. Didn't even know that was in there, and it was verification. I went back to the doctor, and my ferritin level's been normal ever since. and uh and so you know we have a good god and he loves us and you have to be open like it says in the big book of alcoholics anonymous said if you have questions you can ask your rabbi or your pastor for other books or other things you know and you see i was open to this i was not closed-minded and therefore i got the a blessing and so um you know i i remember one time i was talking to god you know as i talked to him a lot you know and i was praying and talking to him and there was something that was you know going on i'm saying god why is everything so hard you know why is everything like going uphill i mean you know everything's The struggle is always, you know, I go up three steps and slide down two and up three. You know, I thought everything is uphill and I'm telling God this and complaining. And then the thought came to me of, you know, going up this mountain, you know, and then I thought, yeah, and by the time you get up there, and then I started skiing, I thought yeah, you get at the top of the mountain all of a sudden you get on these skis and you go wee, and then it's time to climb the mountain again, you know. I thought you know I need more wee time, you know and uh i thought you know this thought came to me like try the ski lift you know and i thought and i said oh god i guess you're the ski left huh i just still have to go up the mountain but it's easier you know if you have god so uh but uh you know i've had uh i've had i have four grandsons and we have a lot of fun together and i have a little bit of a lot of joy in my life today and uh god takes good care of us whether we do or not and the thing you learn is how faithful he is and how much he loves me you know uh because i remember uh one thing just uh i was one of the days when it was one of the toughest times and i was in bed and i didn't want to go on i just couldn't i just been turned down again for a job and finances were bad and my car wasn't running and just a bunch of stuff. And I said, I remember I was talking to God and telling him how bad things were. And all of a sudden something went across. I was sitting in bed and there's a sliding glass door and something went cross in front of me and it went and hit the sliding glass door and went bang, you know, and there was a little splat mark and Jackie had dropped off a cat at the house for me to take care of and it jumped up and grabbed it and it was a Little Sparrow and he ran outside with his cat And I'm out there trying to get this bird away from a cat. I thought, my God, he's going to kill it. Have you ever tried to get a bird away form a cat? Well, of course, by the time he let go, it was blotto. And, you know, I went and I pick up this bird and I went over and put it on this cinder block fence and I'm trying to put it in his mouth. I'm going to try to get the cat in the house to see if there's anything I can do about this bird. And I get the Cat in the House and just as I'm sliding this and putting the door shut so he can't get out there's this voice I heard just as clear as any voice I've ever heard in fact, it turned around to see who was there and nobody was there. And this voice said, not a sparrow shall fall from the sky that I am not aware of. How much more important are you, my child? And I knew at that moment that God knew, that he knew every tear I'd shed. He knew everything about it and that it broke his heart too and that I was going to be okay because he was going take care of me. and I went over to the cinder block fence, got about two inches from it, and the bird got up and flew away. And I knew God sent that to me. He sent that to say, I'm here, and you're going to be okay because I'll take care of you. And he has. And I'm here to tell you you can stay sober no matter what. You can stay sober with a broken heart. You can stay sober when the people you love and trust the most betray you. You can say sober with job or no job. You can state sober with a car or no car. You can take over with multiple death. You can see sober with blood diseases are hereditary disease is there bad news from the doctor. Because you can think states over no matter what. because i have and i'm here to tell you god loves you each and every one of you and you know i used to think you know uh that god sent these things but you see i found out that god didn't send them the enemy did but god uses anything that comes and he can turn it around to woo you and to call you to an intimacy with him because that's what he's done i would not trade the intimacy i have with my God today or anything in the world because I love being sober and I love my God. And I want to thank my higher power, God is an I understand him which is Jesus Christ in my life today and people for my society. Thank you.