The Fourth Dimension and the Traveling Sh*t Show of the Mind – Chris Y.

Good evening, my name is Chris Yax and I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. My credit goes to Sting Moves. I was talking to Chris Schroeder this morning just to make sure that I was on tap to suit up and show up. And he said, yeah. And I said, alright, good. So of course, my ego was starting to emerge and I heard Chris share about a month ago at our group about devising the perfect share when we're in these rooms of AA when I first came in and the perfect share so I'm thinking I've got to have the perfect whatever story you know and I'm like first thought wrong so I ask God please to remove my ego from this and allow me to be an instrument for him to you and that possibly I might touch one of you or many of you possibly I don't know or maybe none of you I'm not sure more will be revealed on that I say recovered because the obsession's been removed. I don't think of a drink or a drug. When I first came to AA, I thought I'd be in recovery or recovering all the time. Looking back and hearing some other speakers and talking to other folks in the solution, that would imply that I would remain sick the rest of my life in AA if I were to stay in AA. When I First Came to AA I wasn't where I come from. There's not much talk about the solution. It's a lot of one-liners and self-will and knowledge. And I came to discover that I'm that alcoholic of the hopeless variety and I can't stay sober on that. I must have ongoing spiritual experiences to remain recovered. And sometimes my mind wants to show up and say, you know, Chris, you've been real busy. You're helping a lot of guys. You're of service. You're doing all kinds of things. Why don't you take a break for yourself now and veg out and watch some reality TV shows or maybe look at some porn or, you know, chasing women. You know, just old ideas and bullshit, quite frankly. But, you Know, thank God with, you Now, excellent sponsorship and spiritual teachers that have been detached from that lifestyle that I experienced for about 28 years. I say grateful because as a result of these 12 steps out of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it put me in a position to begin to have these shifts and consciousness to facilitate a psychic change, as Dr. Bob, or the doctor's opinion implies, and the psychic change meaning for me a spiritual transformation. But it wasn't like that when I first came here, and I'll tell you more about that. Today, you know, my sobriety date is August 17th, 2005. I have a sponsor. He has a sponsor who works with a lot of men, and still work with men. I say worked because most don't stick around. They relapse they perish who knows what happens to them and i'm not in a results business i just carry a message and uh you know try to be a teacher to teach them and while also remaining a student to be teachable and not close my mind like i used to you know when i came in here i thought i was like this academically astute individual because you know i went to college and got a degree in economics and an mba and i just thought you know just one smart guy but If I'm so smart, how the hell did I land up in Alcoholics Anonymous? I didn't think of that when I first got here. But I wanted to... I'm going to go out on a limb. I want to share with you something that I find profound that describes me to a T. I have a spiritual teacher. I have several outside of the fellowship that I seek and work with and seek guidance from. But it's... Let me just find it here. It's in Proverbs, and section 23. I'm trying to find it. Here it is. This describes me to a T. Solomon described me 3,000 years ago. And then someone just revealed this to me recently, this section. Now, I also stick with the big book because that's my design for living. Don't get me wrong. But I use other instruments for other guys to look at things about this disease called alcoholism, which, you know, drinking and drugging was just a mere symptom or a solution of the disease. But it goes like this. Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who linger late over wine. those who keep trying mixed wines. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. At the last, it bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things and your mind utter perverse things. You will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea, like one qui lies on the top of a mast. They struck me, you will say, but I was not hurt. They beat me, but I did not feed it. When shall I awake? I will seek another drink. So Solomon described me to a tea. And you know, by the grace of God, in 1935 we had a divinely inspired meeting between two men, Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, and thank God. And that happened on Mother's Day. But I guess the official anniversary was June 10th. But that meeting, miraculous meeting, occurred on Mother'S Day. Today I really dig, you know, reading the history of AA. I'm finishing up a book called How It Worked by, it's a story by Clarence Snyder. And, you now, it just, what intrigues me today is how these first 100 alcoholics got recovered and what did they do? Because, you kno, I don't want to have to go back to drinking or drugging. And I can honestly say, again, I haven't thought about any of that for a long time. But, you know, just what did he do before this big book got written? And, you know, one of them, which was real huge, were these things called Oxford Groups. And, looking back, thank God, for example, Roland Hazard didn't go see Sigmund Freud. He had a year waiting list, apparently. And if he did, we'd all probably be sexual deviants in some sexual anonymous type program. And thank God he saw a guy like Dr. Carl Jung who had some type of spiritual foundation and revealed to him that he was hopeless unless he had a deep religious experience. And he came back and got hooked up with those Oxford groups, and what a miracle, some given weekend, I don't know when exactly, but in Vermont, he happened to be up there and heard that Ebi Thatcher hit another jackpot. He drove his car into some lady's living room, and they were going to lock him up in an insane asylum. But Roland went to snatch him from the judge, And the judge let Ebby go to Rowland because the judge knew Rowland's family. Thank God for that, you know. And thank God for Ebby. You know, after six months over, one of the tenets of the Oxford group was to go out and witness, go share your experience, and he went and found Bill Wilson. You know it's just, it's an incredible story. I could go on and on, but I'm here to tell you about myself. Well, if my life was, while I was drinking, was a series of four movies, it would go like this. In high school, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, college, Animal House, and then being married, Mr. Mom, and then post-divorce, old school. So you've seen all those movies, you know what my life is like. and I had a good time most of the time I really did you know I hit jackpots on the way and then they cost me money and they caused me a lot of pain and frustration and misery but nothing what a drink will do to cure that and then it's gone the memory is erased I can't bring about with sufficient consciousness about the last debacle so I'll just keep drinking so most of it was you know most most of time I had good time and maybe that was an illusion too Because I have to remember, looking back, that was pretty delusional. And it was a 28-year progression of a reality that was so far off. It's fascinating today, looking back at it. With no remorse, guilt, or shame either. When I did that four-step, I left all that behind because I didn't know I was an alcoholic. I didn'T know I had a grave emotional mental disorder called alcoholism. You know, a disease of selfishness and self-centeredness to the extreme. And that, you know, there's no pill for it. And the book even says no human power could relieve me of it. But the promise is, let her see God couldn't would if he were sought. You know, and I've come to find that promise. You know. Today, I'm grateful to know that the spiritual life is not a theory. It's real. Because I've had an opportunity to experience it now. But, you know, ego had to get out of the way. And I had to become teachable. But I wasn't like that when I first came here. And I'll tell you more about that in a bit. And one thing that jumps out at me today, too, is the big book is always alive for me. When I read it, I always have a new experience with the book. And I read at home alone at times, not just going to big book meetings and reading a couple paragraphs and then working on The Great Share to share with everybody. Recently, on page 52, it talks about the parade of misery and depression. But further on down in the paragraph, it talks about something like, wouldn't seeking a common solution be more important than watching Reels of Lunar Flight? And I was thinking to myself, Reels Of Lunar flight. Well, let's see, when the book was written in 1939, there was no man on the moon yet, so it must have been sci-fi. But to me, Reals Of Lunary Flight is doing everything else besides entering into a relationship with God. And I'll call my God Jesus Christ and I'll keep it at God, but that's who my God is today. So this interests me, and I continue to do this. And I've seen it work in others. Others have told me it worked, and it's seen it worked. So I start doing it. And again, I'm just grateful. I have a second shot at life today. That's why I'm here this evening. I mean, I have an irregular job that I've got to work on. I'm a medical device rep, but I do this as an avocation. I'll go to any length to go share this message, work with another guy or go out and be of service or speak. You know, it's an honor. It's a privilege. And I get to do it, man. It's awesome. All right, so I started doing my first drink when I was 15. I was in like 9th, 10th grade, 1978. And drinking was all right. But I was more of a reefer guy, you know, because, I don't know, I liked it. And I was stoned. I got hooked up with that. I was stone for like three years in high school, 15 times a day. I don't even remember it, you know. But I drank. I drank on the weekends. I liked the effect produced by alcohol, you know. But it filled my stomach and I had to pee a lot. That's why I liked The Reefer and then you get the munchies and, you know. But, yeah, I did all the other stuff in high school. But, you know, it's interesting. An experience I had in high school, I remember we were at my aunt and uncle's house out in Hersey, Pennsylvania, and my brother and my cousins and I were all pretty stewed. And my aunt got a garage door opener for Christmas, and apparently that's not something a husband should get a wife. This is back in 1979, and while everybody was drinking in the house, including the teenagers, later that night we opened the presents, and my aunt decides to tear down the Christmas tree, pull it down, and we got up and went down to the basement, and we were laughing hysterically, drank some more and smoked some more, and just thought it was hilarious. Looking back, there really wasn't anything hilarious about it. It was tragic, but suffice to say my aunt and uncle are doing well and I don't think they succumbed to the disease. So that's one of the experiences in high school. I hit a couple jackpots while I was there, underage drinking, trespass criminal mischief, turfing lawns, smashing mailboxes. And I thought that was normal. I lived out in the country in Bucks County, And that's what we did as country kids. We did shots of blackberry brandy and lit fires along the river and did LSD and nitrous oxide and everything else and then decided to go out and smash mailboxes or turf lawns. And sometimes you get caught, and then you have to pay fines, and then your parents ground you. But I didn't think there was anything wrong with it at the time because the people I hung around with were doing that too, so I thought that was normal. And I think when I hit junior high school, toward the latter part, I think what happened, like I had a really good childhood. You know, I grew up in Long Island. My parents were great. They were always there for us. Excuse me. But I don't know, something, I didn't feel right, you know, inside. I didn' t fit in. I wasn' t like an athlete. I wasn't like an egghead, you now, scholarly student. And, you kno, the ones that were partying, it seemed attractive. And, yo' kno', anybody could fit in there, you kno'. And so that's who I gravitated towards, and, you know, I would continue on doing that. When I was 18, I was hanging around with a bunch of guys that liked to break into houses, and I was with them one particular day, and we broke into two houses. And we got caught, and then, you Know, I Was Facing Eight Felonies for the Two Break-Ins. And, You Know, at 18, out of my mind, I didn't think I did anything wrong. So my parents thought I had a problem, and they sent me away to like a drug program called Strucker Drug and Alcohol Rehab at 49th and Market Street in Philadelphia, where there really wasn't any AA or NA. It was just a bunch of shrinks and, you know, Bob Newhart-style psychobabble, inner child, you knows, searching crap. And you could get your stuff at the walls. You know, the guys are out there selling things, so you could like give them money and get something through the fence. So I was hired a whole time anyway, so I really don't even count that as experience in rehab. So after that, my dad thought a geographical change would be good for me to get out of the area for a while. So I went down to Texas for about two years. And, you know, I sought out the same folks that I hung out with, and it was just a two-year blur. I don't remember much of it. I did try a stint in college, and I think I got two F's and two D's, and thought that wasn't for me. So all I did was work and party and, you know, engage in sexual promiscuity. You know, it seemed like a good time at the time. And really didn't, it wasn't amounting to anything. And I started scratching my head like, you now, this working and barely getting by. You know? This isn't cutting it. I think I should go to college. And, you kno, before that, you kow, the bottom had fallen out. My roommate and I were at odds with each other. And one night we had this party. And we had an Enduro motorcycle in the apartment on the second floor. I get the neat idea, you know, wouldn't it be cool to just pop like a mini wheelie in the living room? I'm going to stop in time before I hit the middle interior wall. And I did and I crashed through it. And he was very upset. Suffice to say, the next day we just went our separate ways. He split and I called my parents and said, you Know, I'm ready to go to college. I'm gonna come back home. And my dad, my mom and dad had no idea that any of this stuff was going on. So I just split. You know, as alcoholics, some of us, you now, So if you're anything like me, we have these fabulous escape routes that sometimes work. And that one did. You know, I got out in time. So I guess I settled down a little bit, went to college. But I was still, you know, using and stuff. But I wasn't really hitting jackpots. You know? I think I had one DUI. Yeah, I crashed a car into a ditch coming out of New Hope. Told the cop I swerved him Mr. Deere. And he wasn't buying that, so I got a Dewey. But that didn't necessarily make me alcoholic at the time. You know, but looking back again, you know, I like the effect produced by alcohol. And I did drugs because it helped enhance the effect introduced by alcohol Yeah, I never drank one or two. I drank for the effect and I was a blackout drinker. In fact, you now, I have a lot of blank spots in my life. You know I was told I had a great time, I was funny and jovial but I just nodded my head, oh great let's go out and do it again. You know maybe I'll remember this time, you kno. So I get through school. I meet my wife there. She was my girlfriend, and at the time she was supposedly on birth control, but I guess she forgot to take her pill, and she was pregnant. So we thought, well, let's just get married. We loved each other, and we're both coming off cocaine and drugs and alcohol. So we get married, and it was all right for a while. We were married for about 11 years, and we ended up moving to Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, just west of Chicago. And her dad was pretty high up with pharmaceuticals, so she got her job as a pharmaceutical rep. And I became like a hospital administrator, like the physician recruiter, physician relations guy, kind of like the pope at a hospital. I mean, it was a great job. You had to be like – I was like a really good politician at the time. You had to be able to do the Potomac two-step real nice, you know, and not get your ass hung out to dry. But it was a great job because I got paid to golf. I got payed to drink with the docs, take them out to dinner. And then my wife's job complimented mine because she called on doctors selling hypertensive products and cholesterol and some antibiotics. And so our jobs complemented each other. And back then in the late 80s into the late 90s, you had pharmaceutical companies. They had, like, the most lavish, like dinner programs and parties. It was incredible. Spare no expense, Louis XIII Cognac, Monte Cristo cigars. I mean, it was – I mean if you're an alcoholic, it's a great environment to be in. I'll give you an example of what my drinking was like out there. Actually, one night I heard a pharmacist talk about a product called Stato Nasal Spray, which is an opiate derivative, and how it was the most sought-out drug by drug seekers. and I start thinking in the back for about five scotches and a few beers like we have that stuff in the basement we had those samples down there he's talking about how they would take an active fed and do the state on it and it would mimic a speedball like I guess doing coke and heroin together and I never did that so I thought to myself well we have active fed at home because we both had allergies and we had that in the basin so when we got home that night she went to bed I immediately checked it out, and I read the label. It said, the label said, non-addictive but maybe habit-forming. So I paid close attention to the non-adictive part. Now, I know this is AA, but I was drinking all around this too, don't mind me. But it was all right there in my basement. And, you know, come to look back at, you now, I did like all of her samples the whole time. Once you do the inventory, she'd be like, what happened to all this stuff? I'm like, oh, I don't know, you gave some to Dr. Parker, you know, he has some migraine headaches and a member of his sister's, you know, and I don' t know if she ever knew that I did all that, but so that was kind of like my life out there, just drinking and under the illusion that everything was okay. See, externally, if you came up to her house, oh what a nice family, good looking couple, two beautiful kids, two cars, everything is nice. On the inside, it was getting worse. I don't know. I can't explain what was going on with my wife. All I know is I was detaching from her, and we couldn't communicate. And after I put the kids to sleep and she was asleep, I would go downstairs and watch sports on TV or play video games and drink and do state-owned nasal spray. And that was my life. And golf. One time, she had a dinner program. We had a brunch. She had a brunch in Chicago, and it was on this, you know, we took a bus in from Rockford. And, of course, I was in charge of getting all the booze. And we never ran out. In fact, there was plenty left because it went in my refrigerator afterwards. But I was pretty stewed. And one time I was sitting up there at Wrigley Field. And, see, I became tight at the wrong moments at times. And sometimes I became dangerously antisocial. So I grew up on the second level, and I'm thinking to myself, it'd be really cool to throw a hot dog down on someone, just to get things moving a little, you know? Just some excitement. You know, the game was boring, the sun was beating on me, I'm sweating. So I decided to carry that out, that thought, and I got a hotdog and put some mustard on it and threw it down on some people, and they looked up, they were pissed, they didn't come and kick my butt or anything. But, you Know, my wife was sitting there, and all these doctors and spouses were like, like, did he just do what we thought he did, you now? And I'm just like, hey, there's a foul ball. Take the attention off me again. So that was an example of my drinking then. Nothing really changed. In fact, it conceivably was going to get worse, and it did. In 97, we moved back to New Jersey. She became a product marketing manager with Squibb, and the marriage went down the toilet. And that's when the old school movie kicked in because I thought, you know what? I'm going to live my life again because I lived in a marital prison for 11 years. And that was what I thought at the time, you know. I'm not looking at my role in all this at that time. So I would go out and, you now, I would be drinking. I moved to Bay Ridge and ran into some people that, you known, had other things that I could get over in Bensonhurst. And the progression was still underway, in fact, increasing over time. And I'll tell you what, my drinking was starting to get so bad. I won a trip once with this company called Braco Diagnostics selling contrast media, the dye that's used for CAT scan, MRI, and the cardiac cath lab. And it was a trip to Costa Rica. And I decided to take my sister. You know, I didn't have a girlfriend really and wasn't married. So I'm like, Amy, you want to come? She's like, yeah, I'll come. And she lived in Manhattan at the time, the Lower East Side. So the night before we were supposed to go, I'm all packed, ready to go. And she's not really packed, but she says, come in anyway and I'll get packed and we'll leave. So I go there. Her friend shows up. Oh, let's go have a couple. All right, let'S have a couPLe. Well, with me, it's never a couple. I probably had like eight martinis and was whacked. And her friend had to pack her stuff, and we left at like 2 in the morning before we were going to leave at like, I think, 8 to Costa Rica. Well, we get to Bay Ridge. I'm like, oh, Amy, we've got to go stop at Peggy O'Neil's. I've gotto say hi to some friends, you know. And come on with me. She's like, okay. So we go there drinking more. Well, then at some point in time, I forgot that she was with me. And I forgot we were going to Costa Rica. So I leave the bar and walk to my house. It's right around the corner of my apartment. And I go to sleep. She's looking for me apparently. And she had to sleep in the little vestibule. It was February. It was cold. But finally the landlord from her knocking let her in. And she knocks on my door. And I open the door. I'm like, Amy, what are you doing here? She's like, what? Yeah, she was really mad. I'm like, all right, just relax, you know. Let's just take a nap and then we'll leave. So we fall asleep and I woke up and we missed the first plane. So I called the airport, the airlines. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to tell them, look, my headlight was on and my battery burned out. And can we get on the next standby flight? And they're like, yeah, yeah. So we got on the last one at 1 in the afternoon. And I kept drinking, got to Miami, drank. And by the time we got on the plane from Miami to San Jose, Costa Rica, they had officially flagged me. No more drink, no more booze for me on the train. And I was a little mad about that. But suffice to say, I didn't remember the trip. In fact, when we got home, I forgot where we parked the car. I had a general idea and it was like still cold. And I think I ran for about 40 minutes up and down rows of cars out at extended parking. I finally found a car and, you know, dropped her off and left later. And, you Know, so be it. So, You know, that's, I think that qualifies me as the alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I mean, I didn't even get to see, I know we went to all kinds of neat sightseeing things and we golfed and I just don't remember any of it. And I wasn't a picture guy either, so I don't think we really had pictures. um you know later on um picture thing it seemed like the drinking hadn't caught up to me yet in my career path see because if you're like me you're we have i had two full-time jobs you know i i had to be like not like this perfectionist or like this this dude that like you know it's a great sales rep and you do that by winning trips you know um but then the drinking you've It's like you're carrying these weights, and the drink hadn't caught up to me yet. I don't know why and how, but toward the end of my ride, and I'll wrap up the drunk-a-log, I was with Johnson & Johnson working for Cordis Endovascular in a medical device field. That's considered like a pinnacle of your career, selling stents and stuff for the peripheral anatomy. I mean, it was good money and it was high pressure. And it was a good job. But the drinking was getting a hold of me. Like, I couldn't even get out of my house some days because I was so paranoid to interact with people. And I'd wake up in the morning and, like, it Was on Me, the hair of the dog, and I'm like... I'd call the hospital and be like, I can't make it, I'm at another one, you know, you're on your own, see ya. And then I'd, like... Cut out some of the white stuff and then start drinking some beer, Papa Zanuck's, Tombstone Stick, roll a nice fatty up. And then I was done watching Fox News 24-7, you know, and then paranoid thinking that people were outside like waiting for me to come out of my house. So I would open this slat, the window slat and just a little bit and convince that someone was watching me and they could see that I was looking at that little slat. That's how insane I was. Now it gets better. I'm at a national sales meeting at Sawgrass Marriott, down where they play the PGA. They've got that 17th Island Hall course, you know. It's a national sale meeting. There's about 110 reps, managers, VPs. We're golfing all day. And I'm like stewed, drinking all day from the golf cart. You know, there was free beer and everything. And I ended up, we had like this trophy for the Metro Division. It was Bragging Rights, this bronze trophy. It was no money. It was just, you know, ego. So Ernie, this guy's tallying the scores like, all right, there's a three-way tie between me and two other guys. And I said, Ernie if I win I'll jump in the pool. Because we were right by the pool and everybody's there. He's like, oh Yax, you won. Oh okay. So I jumped in the Pool with my golf clothes on, my shoes and everything and then got out and sat in my chair and ordered another scotch and a beer dripping wet. You know, I know like there were a lot of heads turned and I'm like, what's your problem? Relax. I jumped in the pool with my clothes on. Big deal. Something you're not supposed to do at a national sales meeting, especially when Johnson & Johnson is hosting it. But I wouldn't be done. Later that evening, about 1 o'clock in the morning, there was like this bridge you had to cross the Saltwater Canal and there were some alligators on there like an hour before but they had left finally because you couldn't cross the bridge when the alligaters were there. Well, I get the keen idea. I'm like, who will give me $20 if I swim in the canal and swim to the other side and an alligator doesn't get me? And of course, four reps put up $20. There was about 12 of them there and then a couple managers. And that was all I needed. And of coarse, I jumped into the Mark Spitz shallow dive and sprinted to the another side. And here tonight, because I made it, the alligator didn't get my. But I got the $80 and I go to my room and I'm thinking, that wasn't a really good idea. So I open the mini bar, forget that. And then another scotch and a beer, and then the thought was gone. Well, on August 16, 2005, I woke up. I'll quote a few things in the big book because I love the book, and I can identify with these quotes that I had a sense of impending doom. I had never felt this feeling before. And it was as if like those four horsemen they talk about in A Vision for You were all around me, all at the same time, because they were showing up one at a time, sometimes two at a times. And I was thinking I'm having a nervous breakdown. And I'm like, oh my God, there's something wrong with me. And then I take a Xanax and I was okay then. But all four were there this particular morning. It was a Tuesday morning. I'll never forget it. And like Bill says, you know, the bitter morass of self-pity spread around me like quicksand. You know, I had met my match. I mean, I couldn't do it. I mean I had the powder here. I had to do it with the pills and the beers. And I just couldn't deal with it anymore. And I reached out. You know God gave me a moment of clarity. It had to have been. I called my brother, who at the time was like seven years sober. And thank God he never browbeated me on AA or he never really mentioned it. He just would be sober and his behavior was somewhat conscientious and courteous and polite. And he never wirklich wanted to hang around with me much. And now I realize why, because I was a first class jackass after a couple in me. And I liked to just jab him a little bit there. But he says, you know, come and I'll help you. So I got in my car and drove up there to my mom's house in Upper Bucks County. And he lives up there. And, you Know, he took me to my... Actually what happened was I decided to go to Karen Foundation because he had gone there. And I thought, well, he's sober, I'll go there. And of course, I'm out of my mind. You know, I am just thinking, all right, he went there, he is sober. I am making a connection of going to Karen and sober seven years. You know this is me. I am insane. So they're like, they had no beds at the time. So I'm like, Chuck, it's cool. You know, I'll wait until after Labor Day. I got the Green Day concert tickets. I got to Shore House for the last week of August. I'll just wait until then. He said, no. He says, no, dude. He says you're going to die or kill someone or change your mind. We're going now. And he got on the phone and somehow he got me a bed and I went to my first meeting in Frenchtown on August 17th, Frenchtown, New Jersey. I don't remember. I don't know where it was, but then I went to this rehab. And a rehab is a rehab. Chuck said, my brother said it was a good rehab. I'm like, whatever. And on the way up there, though, I was crying uncontrollably. And I think what happened for me is my mind knew the jig was up. I was done. and my first love, alcohol and drugs were going to be parting ways. I wouldn't know that at the time, but it was an incredible experience. And then what the rehab did for me was, I'm grateful for the rehab because they had excellent counselors there. They presented some interesting ideas, you know, the 12 steps and higher power. And, of course, I loved it when the shrink can't or the medical doctor talked about the lizard brain and some type of chemical that kicks off in your brain when you do this crap. And, first, I thought that was interesting. And, you know, okay, that'll keep me sober. You know, just knowing that if I take a drink or a drug, I'll have this lizard brain that'll demand more. Really what he was talking about was the physical allergy. So what happened? I'm into rehab. they said, okay, get a sponsor get a home group do the steps, get higher power be of service and while I was in there there were a couple guys that bought this book called The Twelve and Twelve and of course as I told you I thought I was academically astute so I thought, okay I'm going to treat the rehab like a college class and I remember back when I was at Villanova I had to read The Odyssey of Homer and The Iliad of Homer which are like two thick classic books. You know, I'm like, I'm not reading those. I'm getting the Cliff Notes, man. So that's what I did. I got the Cliff notes and studied them hard and memorized the actors and whatever and got a B in the class so I thought, alright, the 12 and 12. I got The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous which I wasn't willing to read at the time. Too big. It's like the Odyssey of Homer. Forget it. I get the 12 in 12 and I'll just do the Cliff Notes version because I got a D in that class. See, my mind is whack as you can see the connections I'm making and justifying the decisions I'm making with no direction. I'm not talking to anybody and I'm listening. So what do I do? I leave and I go, I go to AA where I live in Ware Town, Ocean County and I looked around and I was like, there's nobody here that can sponsor me. No way. So I think I'm going to pick myself. I'm gonna be my own sponsor. Wow. I thought, you know, I thought I was going to figure all this out. Twelve and twelve. Have zero spiritual awakening as a result of reading the twelve steps. Running on self-will and knowledge. And I got fired from J&J a week out of rehab because I had done too many shady things. They had told me before, if you do it again, Chris, you're done. Well, I had Done It, and I was done after rehab. And then I was facing a jackpot with the law because I got busted for DUI in a golf cart with a pocket full of blow and reefer coming out of Lighthouse Tavern on Route 9 and you're not supposed to be driving a golf kart on a U.S. highway. So here I am sober, I'm sober, and I'm like, wait a minute, I thought everything was supposed to get better. Like the miracles people were talking about, like way till the miracle happens. I'm like, I'm waiting. I'm waitin'. But, you know, this lawyer's costing me eight grand. I lost my job. I lost MyLicense for 40 days. Suffice to say, the miracle of God in my life is I paid this dream team one-man wrecking crew lawyer eight grand and he got me off everything except for wreckless driving and got the drugs thrown out. But let me get back to this experience of sponsoring myself. I did it for three months, and I was so out of my mind. I didn't want to drink. I didn' t want to d rink. and I was white knuckle in it, but I just couldn't fathom it. I was hearing things in the meetings like don't drink and go to meetings 90 and 90. Well, I did 270 and 90 because I was unemployed and I couldn't find a job. I couldn'T drive. So I'm like let me do 270 and90 because I heard someone say I bank meetings and now I'm looking back today thinking like wait, bank meetings? So if I was going to think a drink, think about a drink. Do I withdraw a banked meeting? I mean how nuts was that, that information? But at the time, I was nuts. And I'm buying into this and I'm sharing this crap. Keep it green. Today I know there's no mental defense against that first drink. That defense comes with a relationship with my higher power. And I've got a powerful one today. Thank God. What a miracle. So I come in. Scott puts a sponsor in my life, December of 2005. This guy's armed with facts. He's a Christ-centered man. Step guy out of the book. Drug and alcohol counselor to boot. So when I asked him to sponsor me, he goes, Are you willing to go any length? I'm like, well, yeah, sure. I'm here tonight, right? Arrogant response. He gives me his card. He's a drug and alcohol counselor. So of course, I'm thinking, oh, I've got a two for one now. So I can't dope being this guy. And I have no idea what these steps are. So he says, Chris, we start doing the steps. And he says... I guarantee you'll have a spiritual awakening as a result of doing these 12 steps. I said, yeah. Okay. You know, and I was skeptical. I didn't believe him. But I was willing. I was willingly. Because my way wasn't working. You know? It wasn't work. And I was probably going to drink again. And so this man took me on a journey of beating me into submission and a journey of ego deflation. And, you know, he used to say things to me that I didn't like. And there's three phrases that he would tell me that I didn' t realize then what he meant. But today I now know what he was talking about. And I'm grateful for that. So he would speak the truth to me. And it hurt. I said, that hurts. He says, yeah, Chris, the truth is painful. All right, but that's too much. No, Chris. The truth is pain and this is you. Okay? But he said, Chris pain is a touchstone of spiritual growth. And he said the truth will set you free. I didn't know what he meant back then but today I do. And what a fabulous journey. So go through these steps. You know, step one made an admission I was powerless over alcohol oh, my life is unmanageable. Sure, but then sober, I'm powerless over everything. Family court, I have all this wreckage coming in at me. It's unmanegeable. And we talked about the concept of being powerless. Lack of power was my dilemma with power. No dilemma that power comes from a power greater than myself. So on we go to step two. Yeah, I had a God in my life. At the time, I was very agnostic and had a lot of old ideas and prejudices about God. but I thought my God was working. And that's what I like about the big book, because we come in broken and beaten and out of our minds like me. It talks about a God of my understanding, so I could stick with that. I couldn't stay with it, but I could stay with that during the process. A conception of my God. I was down with that, I could handle that. Conception. And we went on. Step three, made a decision to turn my life from will over the care of God. Immediately went in and did this fourth step. Fear, Resentments, and Sex Inventory. You know, I really thought I was a unique guy. You know? I just thought I would say, you know, I was the shit. I'm God now. I am the great I am here in AA. Sober. And I'm one smart man, but that wasn't the case. So as I did this fourth step and I shared it with him in my fifth step, you know my terminal uniqueness got smashed and I came to discover that there was nothing unique about me at all. I'm just a child of God and an alcoholic and I didn't know that I was and why I did the things that I did. And I discovered that he did the things that i did and furthering smashing my uniqueness. So that was a very freeing experience for me. I began to feel what they says in the book like we entered the archway to freedom. We just entered the ways to go. So we sit down we do this step six and seven nothing really miraculously happened to me I mean, we looked at the fifth step and the things where I participated in wronging others and how I felt about others because they wronged me. You know, the selfishness and self-centeredness nature of me. But I still remained willing. He said, you know, Chris, this is where it's a lifelong journey. This is where you don't do the work. You have God do the working you. And you might not be able to appreciate that, and that was at that time. But he said, if you continue to do this work, God will do the work in you and He will remove those defects of character as long as you remain willing. And, you know, I made that list, you known, and became willing to make the amends. I made the amens. I still have one, actually three outstanding, my ex-in-laws and my ex wife. And it's not that I don't want to do it. It's because I feel a need to experience the physical presence of them so that they can look at me and I can look at them, and they can come at me in any way they want. So hopefully maybe later this fall when I go out to Orange County, California, I'll have an opportunity to sit down with my ex-wife and get that. I really want to do it, and who knows what will happen. My mind wants to put an attachment on the future that hasn't occurred, like I'm going to get an ass whooping, a verbal character assassination, but maybe that's the case. Maybe not. I don't know. So I've got to ask God to remove those, you know, attachments sometimes my mind wants to grab hold of. You know, 10, 11, and 12, you Know, Step 10 for me is like, you Now, if I know right away that I wronged somebody, you Know it really just jumps out at me, then I can make those amends right away with that individual. And if it's something that, you know, maybe I resented this person and I felt I was justified in my response. But later that evening when I'm doing my step 11 and looking back on my day and asking God to help open my heart and reveal to me any wrongdoings I did to others and wondering if they're revealed, then I'm willing to make those amends the next day immediately. um you know step 12 step 12 says um having had a spiritual awakening awakening as a result of these steps you know which i did um at that point in time you know it says we tried to carry this message you know this message and practice these principles in all our affairs you know unfortunately you know stop 12 work gets so diluted down you know where i live that you know people seem to I think like Step 12 work is like making coffee or just showing up at a meeting and dumping their crap. You know, Step 12 to me, that middle part, you know, carry this message, really is in the foreword of the first edition of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And it says, to precisely show others how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. And when I get to work with guys and they're serious about this and, you know, they're demonstrating the willingness to go to any length. You know, as we go through these steps, you know I tell them, you know, be careful of ego and self-righteousness but do not back down from this truth because this is the truth and this is how we get recovered if one is a real alcoholic you know. As I told you Solomon described me 3,000 years ago and there was no solution until 1935. You know, many guys I work with I hear they're forced up They're similar to me One of the suggestions I tell them Stay away from the women, man Look at them as your sisters You wouldn't, you know With your sister, would you? And it's fascinating Watching these guys Under the delusion That to be complete They have to have a girl Around their arm And then guess what I kiss them goodbye See ya And they're gone and it's not because of what the girl does to them it's what happens to them because a lot of them were like me they were co-dependents they were consumed by her and then they got resentful at her but you know that's one of the beauties I mean the big book says our greatest immunity one of our greatest immunities is not taking a drink or thinking about it it's intensive work with other alcoholics and I'm grateful to have that opportunity because I learn from these guys plus I get to see the miracles in front of me And some of these guys do change, and they're out there. They're becoming excellent husbands, excellent fathers, excellent workers, and practicing these principles in all their affairs. Now, I'm going to talk to you a little bit about my Step 11, and it's my experience, so I'm not telling anybody you have to do what I did. If there's any chief critics in the room here this evening like I can be, send one to your higher power and ask it to be removed Because I'm going to share with you what happened to me as far as the spiritual transformation. Because, you know, I've now come to realize and believe and feel that God is either everything for me or he is nothing. When I'm running on a little dose of self-will, God is gone. God is nothing, you Know. I'm not perfect and I'm Not God by any means. But I'm very interested in becoming a man of integrity and character as proclaimed by the carpenter. So what happened? I do the 12 steps. I hear a guy, Peter M., Peter Marinelli speak up in Staten Island back in January of 07. And I was so blown away by this guy's message. He touched me right where I was at that night. And I'm like, wow, there's more to AA than this drama talk and all this other crap that we hear in AA or that I would hear down there. And a couple of us guys got together like, hey, let's start a meeting. You know, a little pocket of enthusiasm, about 11 of us. And there was nobody with long-term sobriety. We had no tradition scholars. So it really, we decided on a meeting, the name, and got the literature, and it was done like that. You know, because I've had experience starting a meeting with, and God bless the tradition scholars, but with tradition scholars and that thing can get really bogged down in minutia. And, you know, for me, the way I see the traditions, the traditions are meant to be followed in spirit, not by the letter. We get too legalistic with these traditions, it's been my experience, but that's okay. So we get this meeting going, we decide to call it There is a Solution, you know inspired from page 25 in the big book, There is A Solution. and we decided we're going to have an open speaker meeting and that we're going to pre-screen our speakers and it didn't go over real good locally we still don't get a lot of local people because they just don't like that message and that's okay they're either hard drinkers or I don't know what they are but it's okay I need to hear the solution I like to hear the solution I like hear other people's experiences from the book so we started the meeting we get about 80 to 100 every week what was interesting was 11 people on fire back in like February of 07 we kicked it off in March of 06 and looking back 9 of them are gone there's only 2 left, me and Nick that started that thing I don't even know what happened to them relapsed, perished or whatever see I take this disease very seriously I take it like a life or death mission today I am so lucky that I am alive the crap, I just shared with you a couple stories I didn't give you the good ones. I mean, I was knocking on death's door many times. Many times. Arrogance, ego, and blackout. What a dangerous combination. And probably endangered other people's lives. I know I did. And thank God I didn'T kill anyone. Or myself, or maimed myself. So what happened? We get this meeting going, and I'm getting rocketed in the fourth dimension. Because that really intrigued me. Because I love being on LSD eight miles high, and I am like, what is a fourth dimension, man? I've got to have some of this, man. You know, what is this? And to me, the fourth dimension, to me is out of the thinking mind. The thinking mind doesn't show up. The traveling shit show that manufactures misery doesn't shows up anymore. It took some time though. It took sometime and I'll tell you about it. Somebody turned me on to this book called Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox and I started reading that book and I was like, oh my God, this is incredible. And for me, what happened was it put me in a position, I guess, to relearn God and reestablish a whole brand new relationship with Him. Breaking away from my previous experiences in church, a particular faith I won't mention. And I have no ax to grind against it, but it didn't do anything for me and I probably wasn't willing anyway at the time. So it really lit me up. And I thought, well, let me read this again. So I read it like four times and I was just like, wow. And I wanted more of that. Because I was starting to get this new age, far out higher power type feeling. And it was working for a while. The mind wasn't showing up as much, but sometimes it would. Sometimes it would." And then I had asked a buddy of mine if he'd ever been to the services where we started the meeting at Bayside Chapel. And he said, well, he'd gone a couple times and he said it was a pretty cool message. So I go in there, fall of 07, and I hear this guy's message to the pastor. He's just a messenger like us. He's delivering a message of truth out of the New Testament. And I'm like, oh my God, I was blown away. Because it was parallel to the Sermon on the Mount, what I read in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am like, wow, I got to have more of this, you know. So I immediately went and saw the pastor and then, you now, became born again and all that other stuff. I won't go into that detail. But what happened was, it just lit me up. And I continued to move my feet. And as I continued the study of the history of AlcoholicsAnonymous, as I told you about, like these Oxford groups and stuff. I found myself in some of these Bible study groups. And I've been ushering guys that I work with, they're guys in my accountability network where we're accountable to each other. We call each other on our crap if anybody's out of line. And if they're not interested in it, then they disappear, whatever. It's kind of cool because I look back at this experience and it's like pseudo-oxford group stuff. And I'm watching guys. They're getting out of the way and something's happening to them. It's not because of me. I'm just saying, hey, come here and experience this. See what happens to you. Something happened to me, something might happen to you and when they do, something happens to them. Their eyes light up and the minds go on and it's a fascinating experience and today I practiced meditation techniques in the morning as I told you, I saw it out of a couple of spiritual teachers outside of the fellowship. If you're in here tonight and you're still working on that far out higher power that new age thing it don't work if you're a real alcoholic You know, consider this. Consider this and I'll leave you with this. You know make a decision on where you want to plant your faith. Whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Toltec, Jewish, Muslim. You know something. Something. Because I've come to discover that I had to plant my faith in some type of fertile ground. And it didn't happen overnight as you heard. As you heard I had the experience of pain and desperation and sobriety. But I remained willing and that's only by the grace of God. I have to give it all to Him. And I'm grateful to be here tonight. I hope I gave you a typical AA story, and that's all I got. We've got a nice group here.