The Fourth Dimension and the End of Quiet Desperation – Russell S.

My name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic, and as I said before, I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group. I haven't found a necessary drink in a while, since January 25th, 1981. You know, I used to say there's old recordings that I made while I was speaking that says it was January 17th. For like about 20 years, I introduced myself January 17, because I know my last drink was on Super Bowl Sunday, 1981, so for 20 years I said I haven't had a drink since because somehow in my mind I looked that up and Super Bowl Sunday was January 17th so for twenty years I've been saying I haven'T had a drink since January 17, 1981 and somehow someway while I was on the internet or something happened one day I was clicking through things and I discovered somehow that the Super Bowl was January 25th so I have this large debate in my head I had 15 years of tapes and recordings and talks saying it was January 17th. And, you know, do I always – I mean, scratch all that. It was actually January, so I just figured I'd fess up to lying for about a – what is that, about a week? So now it's January 25th. So now I'm trying to be honest, you Know. And I have a lot in common with, what's your name again? The baby? What? Brian. Brian? I have... You're my grand sponsor. You might want to know that. Oh, who's your sponsor? George? George? Yeah. He's a good guy. George is a good man. He's got a good job. He sets you up to come here. Did he get rid of his motorcycle? No. He still got it? All he does is go under me anyways. You know, one day he's going to get well and get rid of that thing. But in any event, but that's great. because I have a lot in common with your granddaughter. Is that your granddaughter? Yeah, I have the last thing they say in the back of the big book. I feel the same way. The last thing they say is we know but a little. That's what they say. They say we know but a little. you're reading this book in order to save your life because you're going down the tubes and the last thing they say after everything after chapters of the agnostic and after everything they say this we know but a little and then they go on to say the same thing they've been saying for the last 164 pages before that just another way so your real reliance has to be on God they've been saying that from the first page from the forward to the last page but believe it or not, the way the alcoholic mind works, many many people will come into AA and not understand that's what they're saying they'll think it's some sort of psychological program they'll say ace the steps this time I'm going to do a perfect fourth step this time they'll stink the steps of the answer and they will drink again or they'll be 20 years sober and I sponsor a lot of these guys that have long-time sobriety and they'll be living lives of quiet desperation anyway. They won't be happy with their sobriete. In the big book, one of the things it says in Vision for You, it says once in a while, here and there, a person who stops drinking, you think they're talking about a newcomer but not necessarily, says I feel better, act better, I'm having a better time, I don't miss it at all. It says we laugh at such Sally. We know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobrieting because he is not happy with soon he'll know loneliness as few do. You know, in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, besides talking about not drinking, if you want to join the Not Drinking Club, it says somewhere in the very beginning it says we've experienced much of heaven and we have been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. Does anybody have a big book around here? Oh, here's one. Right in front of me. I got one right here. I want to get this right. You know, I think the truth is very important. Truth is very powerful. I spoke to it 21 years ago. I 12-stepped a guy, a friend of mine. His name was Richard. And, you know, it's funny. I'll tell you, I do these every three months after this. On January 10th, I'm going to the Little River Room, and then there's another one after that. And I try to do only one at a time. But one of the reasons I said I would do, and I'm so happy to be in this room, is because I live like about five blocks down the street. Because I'm always used to driving up to Palm Beach or Monroe County. I'm driving 50 miles to do these meetings. So man, this is right next to my house. And this happens to be the weekend that I'm staying on 14th Street and Ocean Drive. I drove all the way out here to get here. But I was on 14th Street and Ocean Drive, you know, and about three times a year my wife goes down. It makes us feel like we're on a vacation or something. And they have a meeting on the beach, right on the sand. I walk out my door, and I walk onto the sand on the Beach, and at 7 o'clock in the morning they have an evening. So I went to that meeting because I have a couple of sponsees there that invite me, and so I'm sitting there on the stand and realizing how grateful I am for whoever it is who invented chairs. I can tell you this, the guy who invented the chairs was old and fat. And I could see all these people, young, I say young, anybody in the age of 50, and they're sitting there, they're having a good old time, they're all thin and, you know, the South Beach crowd, you now. They're all models and stuff. But I'm sitting there, and the guy I 12-stepped 21 years ago was there. And he came up to me. Of course, he hugged me after me. We went out to breakfast with a bunch of other guys and everything. Because I said to him, I said, when was it? How long ago was that? He says, 21 years, and he just came in six months ago. He never forgot. You know what I mean? But so, you know, it's like the Bible says. What Jesus said, he said, my word will not come back void. He says, the truth will not come back void. You lay the truth out, they may not get it, they may run away, they might get mad, but for those that are not so mentally defective and so out of it that they want to turn their back, it will have an effect. Has anybody ever seen the movie Flight? If you haven't seen it, you need to go see that movie. You know in the movie Flight, when he was sitting there, and I'm sorry if you haven'T seen it but I just want to point this out. You've got to see this movie because it's the truth. When he's in the AA meeting and the guy is talking about lying, living your life of lies and he had to leave, he had a leave. He didn't stop drinking but he couldn't stay in the meeting. He was so uncomfortable he had no idea that he had left. And then we know what happens later on. The truth will not come back void. The truth won't work out. It may take 21 years to work on you. It may takes 21 days, 21 months but the truth in this world will whittle you down until it works on you. And you repent. And you come alive and you come around and you become wanting to have this deal because you know something? There's no person I know on the planet Earth that can give you desire. You know, I've spoken to them all whichever way you can... For eight years I was on the relay here. If you called up on Friday nights between 11 o'clock and 8 in the morning And you spoke to me. You know, I've sponsored literally. And I'm not saying this. I'm just reporting probably thousands of guys, you know, over 31 years, you know, and, you Know, I get a lot of guys ask me to now you understand when I say sponsor you, I got guys asking me to sponsor them all the time. I get one phone call and I meet him one time. That's the end of that. But, you Know, but well, it's true because, you Know, it is like, you Know, like they say, hey, when all is said And done, there'll be a lot more said Than done, you Know, and many are called with fewer chosen and and but the truth is is that is that you no matter how good a talk you are you know a guy said to me at breakfast this morning a grand sponsor he said you know a guy called me up and he slipped again he said I slipped and he told me what the guy said and he said and I said this and this is a guy with a lot of time he says I'd said this sort of check him whether he said the right thing you know and he says i told him this and i said he says what do you think and i say what does it matter i mean really what is it i said listen if the if he desires this deal there's nothing you can say that's wrong and if he doesn't desire this deal there's nothing you could say you're not going to talk him into this thing or even if you talk him into his thing so that he comes you're just talking him in temporarily because he's leaving you know he's been here before it's like yet what when you go to another treatment program yet another treatment program because they're going to teach you like a different set of steps you know they're gonna they're going to tell you no you can drink one day at a time i mean you know you think more knowledge well more knowledge you need you mean like my fourth treatment program will give you even more knowledge you know and uh you know the bottom line is is uh it's a mysterious thing you know we know but a little you know And I, for years and years, have to sponsor many, many people and having some people slip and some people slide and go. And I don't take any credit for anybody's sobriety. I don'T take any, any credit if you'll, you know, it'S not my fault if somebody, I can't keep them sober. It'S not me because they're sober. You always go through your mind, what did I say or what didI do or what can I sayor what canI do or did Isay it right or didI say it wrong or maybe if this or maybe that. You always, it's only natural. And if you don't get over that, they're going to put you an Allen on. Right, Don? They'll put you a Allen on it. That's why, you know, it's good to see Don here and my other buddy out there, my Al-Anon people, because they have a whole organization of millions of men and women and their only problem is that they can't figure us out. And they know a few of us. We've ruined their lives because we're breathing. It's driving them nuts, you Know what I'm talking about? You don't want to get that. You know, you can actually, you Now, I love Al-Alanon. I really do. Don, you You know my wife. She's the queen of Al-Alanon. She's in charge of making those voodoo dolls. Our ladies of perpetual revenge, I call them. She does the greatest Al-Anon tense that when I'm wrong, she promptly admits it. So I'm off the subject as usual. But here's what it actually says in the book, so I don't get this thing wrong. It says this. It says somewhere in here, and I guess it's in there as a solution. And so this is really the truth. The big book's the truth, so all I do is I read stuff from the big book. Every step series I do, all I deal with is 9% of my stuff I read from the big book, so if they've got a problem with what I'm saying, the problem really is they think it's with me. It's not with me, it's within this book. It's with this deal, but you know what they say? The spiritual accident is whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So if I say something to disturb you, you ought to pay me $10 as a co-payment because I've just given you a spiritual MRI because I have just hit something. I've jut hit a button in you that's giving you problems and you could either get mad about that or you can get angry about that or you could keep on thinking because I know what alcoholics do. You'll turn it over in your head. It won't bother me. Even if I'm wrong, I'll get in my car, I'll drive away and I'll probably say, why did I say that? change my mind, but it'll bother you for weeks until you somehow pray over it, inventory it, talk to your sponsor about it, and figure out why is it I don't like that guy. It's the way he is. And then one day, maybe, you'll say, you know, find out something about yourself. You know, because I don' t like it because of this. And you'll figure out why you don't like it. And as soon as you figure out why you dont like it, it'll seep in and go from your head to your heart. You'll understand that's why I didn't like my father. That's why I didn' tlike that teacher. That' s why I didn't like that guy and all of a sudden you'll come up to me five years now and say you know i used to hate you but now i love you you know what i mean and it will have nothing to do with me it'd be something that changes in you and as it changes inyou the thing that you don't like about me or what i said about you you'll find that there'll be a whole huge group of people on the planet earth that have been bothering the crap out of you that don't bother you anymore because that thing that has been broken in you that doesn't allow you to spiritually accept other people has been mended and fixed out of resentment that you turned into something good and healed it because you focused on the Lord you focused upon God instead of feeling sorry for yourself whatever that means that's like a riff in music that would be a riff every once in a while the Alzheimer leaves the Holy Spirit comes in and I say something that makes sense we pray for those moments so this is the truth so if you take this book It says, this is the only thing we agree. This happens to be our basic text. This is our basic test. So in an AA meeting where they've asked me to do a step series, I feel perfectly at ease saying, this is our test. I'm not going to argue with you. I'm going to debate you about this. This is the deal, okay? You don't like it, don't take it up with me. You need to write New York and tell them to rip out that page. You know, when they say there is one who has all power, that one is God. When you find him now, you need to have him rip out that page if you don't want to. You don' t like that. Where it says A, B's and C's, you can't manage your own life, another person can't do it, only God could. If that bothers you you need to have them rip out that page if the part in the big book, you know I'm going to talk I'm gonna tell you this, you may think this is like a giant 12 week third step meeting because all I'm about to talk about is God and the relationship with God because that's the only thing that's important and if you don't think that's right then what you need to do is you may need to tell them to go on page 29 where it says further on clear cut directions are given showing how we recover, these are followed by 42 personal experiences, each individual and talking about what an AA story is all about what testimony is all about each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language which is what I'm doing and from my own point of view the way he established his relationship with God and that's the only thing an AA talk is about or should ever be about it's nice to have drunkologues it's all nice to go to the banquets and laugh and cajole it's good to laugh it's not talking about God and how he healed your life and how it can heal your life, it's not a valid AA talk as far as I'm concerned because in AA it says you talk about how you establish a relationship with God and the only reason it's Not Talked About more in Alcoholics Anonymous, even though it's the truth, is because people are scared to talk about it because they're scared of other people's judgment which is another problem which is indicative of alcoholics who think that they're pieces of shit no matter what they say to you. They may say, I don't give a shit what other people think about me. I don'T care what other People Think About Me but trust me, every alcoholic on the planet, the only thing they think about is how am I going to look how am I going to feel, who's going to be at that party who did you invite, what did I say why did I Say it, what do they think about me because all they do is think about other people because people that really don't care about what other people think about them don't say even to themselves I don't Care What Other People Think About Me They Say Things Like Pass The Salt Or I'll Have Some More Ketchup But They Don't Say That Stuff You Understand And That's Why When People Come Out Of Treatment The Most Intelligent People In The World Who Have Been Told That They're Going To Drop Dead If They Drink Again and they're going to flush their family down the toilet if they're going to drink again. That's why people come out of treatment, one of the first things they say to their sponsor is, after a 28-day treatment program, after four months, one ofthe first things every alcoholic says to somebody is, if somebody asks me whether I want to drink, what do I say? Because they're so brilliant, they can't figure out the words no thank you. And so therefore, if you understand a little bit about the alcoholics, you can understand what that means in alcohol code. Because when an alcoholic says something that should be obvious, if somebody asks me to have a drink, what do I say? What you should understand, if you know about alcoholics, you know what they're really saying. What they're saying is this, you know, Carl Menninger wrote a book in 1938 or 37 called Man Against Himself, and he had a whole chapter on alcoholics. And what he said about them, he says alcoholics are men and women who are out to destroy themselves. They're out to, because sobriety is so painful, and they hate themselves so much. That's why it says men and Women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol. They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. They drink for the effect because they're restless, irritable discontent. You can lay a whole bunch of layers and adjectives on that thing while they're sober. That's how alcoholics feel sober. They feel ill at ease. They feel less than. They don't feel good enough. It doesn't matter how many degrees you have or anything like that. And so when an alcoholic says what do I say? What he's really saying to you was this. He says, look, I'm always worried about what I look like. I'm not only an alcoholic. If you're an alcoholic, you're a please-love-me-aholic, don't-reject-me aholic. Don't talk about me behind my back aholic! Don't humiliate me aholic, don't laugh at me aholic. You're all those holic things. Please accept me aholic? You've got all that stuff and that's just the tip of the iceberg. They talk about the old ideas. They say selfishness self-centeredness. That's the root of our trouble driven by a hundred forms. A hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking. A hundred form. That means if you've got ten of them nailed and you suspect another ten, so you got twenty and you're starting to nail those that means you only got eighty to go that you don't even know of. And you're trying to figure why people drink again? This is a serious deal. And so the bottom line is what they're saying is I feel so crappy about myself. I don't even realize how crappy I feel about myself I don'T EVEN REALIZE HOW I SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO GET A CAR TRYIN' TO GETA JOB TRYN' NOT TO LOSE THIS, TRY'N TO GET THAT SO OTHER PEOPLE WILL ACCEPT ME AND I'LL LOOK GOOD BECAUSE IF THEY THINK I'M GOOD THEN I'L PERHAPS FEEL I'M GOOD BECAUSES IF THEY TAKE I'M BAD THENI WON'T FEEL BAD WHICH IS WHY WOMEN NEED RELATIONSHIPS AND MEN NEET THIS I NEED A MAN, I NEET A WOMAN I HAVE TO HAVE THAT BLOUTH BIGGER BREASTS, GET THE VIAGRA WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY where somehow we've been sold. It's all on TV now. It would be funny if it wasn't true that your life will be fantastic if you can keep a heart on for four hours, you know what I mean? Or if you're going to have bigger breasts or you can lose 15 pounds and everything like that and none of it works. Not the money works, none of them works which is why Bill Wilson said worldly clamors got me back to drink looking at things in the world because this world is not designed to help you in your sobriety or help you with your walk in God. It's designed to tear you down. Everything in this world, Every billboard, every TV set is basically a mirror telling you You are insufficient and not good enough Because you don't look like Brad Pitt And if only you looked like Brad Pit Or this guy or that guy Or Angela Jolie or whatever it is Your life would be okay And they're not even okay I'm not talking about them personally That's why you see all these movie stars doing great But we chase it We chase it And it's our DNA And we go up to our sponsors And talk about how we don't have this And we don' t have that And we're scared to lose this And they say things like What do you worry about this? Look at this And we say What are you crazy? because our alcohol thinking seems the only normal thinking, our alcoholic life seems the normal life and to us it makes absolute sense that if we had things or stuff or things like that, the stuff we chased before we came in here, we'd be okay and you can lose the drinking but it's very hard to stop being addicted to the things of this world which you think is so important because the world celebrates it remember that song I fought the law and the law won? I fought the world and the world won and the word is more powerful than anything you could possibly imagine, it's more powerful than me. It's more powerful that Barack Obama, you know, the president, most powerful man in the world. It's more powerfull than him. It is more powerful than any, it is more powerful then the Congress of the United States. No matter how powerful you think you are, you ain't going to stop what happened in Connecticut. You ain't gonna stop people dying of cancer. And I'm like an ant on a log rolling down the river. Every once in a while the log comes to a bend in the river I think I'm steering the flipping log. Pretty much I can change my position on the log a millimeter here, a millimeter there in order to get maybe less wet. But the log's going where the log is going. And unless I somehow take my eyes off the river and my eyes off the log and put my eyes on God, I ain't going to survive this deal because I'm not powerful enough to do that situation. So I'm basically saying, and I don't even realize I'm saying it because I don' t know what I'm doing. Because I'm now even bright enough to exceed and set this part. I'm sayin' to you that I feel so crappy about myself. I know the answer is no, thank you but you've got to understand about my life I need to have people love me and respect me I don't want people laughing at me because the most horrible thing in the world to me is if people laugh at me or don't respect me my whole life has been about running around trying to figure out how to make myself into something that people will like and if you can't give me a story that I can't tell that guy as to why I'm not drinking with them or why I'm not doing smoking or dope with them or why i'm not doing the stuff they're doing if you can't give me a story that they'll buy into then I'm going to have to drink because I would rather drink and destroy my life and flush my family down the tubes than risk the possibility that they may not like me because that's how much that's so much it means to me see my own life is bullshit it's nothing because I'm a nothing I've always been a nothing I'm never going to be anything but a nothing I used to put something in my body it turned me into an almost when you're a nothing, almost is top of the world and so the bottom line is give me that magic deal so they'll accept me even if I don't drink because if you can't give me then I'm drinking I'm going to do what the crowd is doing because I am a follower I'm not a leader and that's shit that you got going on in you if you're an alcoholic and it has nothing to do with drinking but it has everything to do with drinking but you see they don't arrest you for that they don' stop your car and say Mr. Spatz would you get out of your car because we noticed I think you're driving while lusting you know you're riding while feeling I think you're diving while feeling sorry for yourself you're drivin' while cussing you're drivein' while thinking bad thoughts about yourself and other people you know they don''t arrest you for that you can actually hold on to a job you can have children, you can raise them you can do a lot of stuff and have all that stuff going on in you and even not drink and be 20 years sober and put a gun to your head and blow your brains out or somehow feel it what was that all about I think I missed something I think i missed something is there a better way so is there another way 2000 years ago we're going to get into the history of this but this entire book we read the big book is based upon the bible I'll go into that another deal but it is based on 2,000 years ago you know the carpenter said in this world you'll have problems but be of good cheer I've overcome the world you can be in the world but not of the world so I'm sitting at a meeting when I'm three months sober and my sponsor took me to a meeting called the keynote meeting 8.30 meeting there's a guy speaking his name is Al Kennedy and you know experience is so important I'm like anybody else well, I did very well in school one thing I did well in was school if you study real hard, you get A's and I got all this stuff and I graduated law school my whole thing is about I worship my brain like all alcoholics I don't care what you did well at school we all figure we're smarter than everybody especially when it comes to us So it's very hard not to even get to the point where you say, well, maybe I'm not that bright. Maybe my best thing got me in here. Maybe I ought to listen to other people. Maybe he's got a point, you know? It's very difficult to do that. So, you Know, I had this – I remember I brought my first sponsor into my office. You know, they're always good sponsors. The sponsors I needed always sort of were hitting me in the solar plexus, you know, because I knew my ego punctured a lot. And I showed them all my degrees. If I come to my office, I've got about 20, 30 degrees on my wall, my wall of fame or something like that. So I said, Bob, these are all my degrees. He says, you know, and he never even graduated sixth grade. I was terribly understated. I should have been sponsored by Albert Einstein or something like that, Jesus. They weren't around. So I say, look at all my degree, Bob. And he looks at me and he says, well, you know, Russ, rectal thermometers have degrees, and you know what they do with those. They never gave me a shot. You know, but so I'm at this meeting, and this guy Al Kennedy is sharing. I'm three months sober. And he's the guy who used to own Banner Tire, Kennedy Banner Tie. His kids are doing it now. And I guess he had about 30-something years of time, and he was doing a talk, doing steps, doing whatever, the kind of thing I'm trying to do now. And he was like amazing. You know I sat there. I was one of these guys. I was like in the front row. I was right where Clark is. I'm looking at this guy. He's talking. I'm not even sure I'm hearing what he's saying. I'm just so amazed at the way he's saying it, you know, because he looked, you know, this guy looked like he had it all together. He was comfortable in his own skin. You know, he was obviously had some sort of comfortability with himself, but he wasn't, like, arrogant, you Know, but, you know, He was kind, but He wasn't weak. He didn't appear to be weak. He was, like helping other people. He had his shit together, you Know, as a man, I don't know anything about women, but as a Man, you're always worried about, you Know, what does it mean to be a man? You Know, I want to be A man, you Know, be manly. What does it Mean? you get laid a lot, you win fights I had no idea I wasn't properly fathered or whatever that deal is so I don't know what it means to be a man the only thing I knew was I wasnít one but I was going to make sure nobody found that out and I was always worried they were going to find that deal out that I didnít meet whatever the qualifications are for manhood I didn't really meet it but I wanted to I was trying, I was doing my best I was just trying hard and it was clear to me I recognized a genuine article that I was in front of a man there It was like one of these things, you know, sponsors, one of the great things about good sponsors, you know, that are in touch with, you know, the deal is they seem so steady. You know, I was thinking about my sponsors this morning, you know, they just seem steady and they really are representatives if the Holy Spirit is talking through them of God on the planet, you know, and, and you know a good sponsor will always point you towards God, you know what I mean? Because he knows that, you know, just like Bob died of cancer, you know, a good sponsor will always point you towards God because he knows at 3 o'clock in the morning one day he won't be there. And until he links you up to that thing, we'll never leave you. But the one great thing that is that hungers me for a good sponsor is to have somebody it seemed that no matter what was going on in my life no matter how crazy it is, I could always call Bob and he'd be steady. I could also call Joe Snyder, he'd Be Steady. And they always hung out with steady people. And I'm not used to steady. If I'm an alcohol camper, an alcohol home I'm used to craziness. I'm use to one day you like me, the next day you're committing suicide. One day you're up, one day you're down, one date you're mad. I'm not used to steady. And that's what AA rooms are all about also. They're steady. People come, they people go. Some people are in fear but you know, in AA meetings there's always somebody in fear, but at least we're not all in fear at the same time on the same meeting, you know and well some meetings but once in a while God, whoever invented this anybody's got a burning desire for that. But in any event, that's exactly what I want to hear at the end of a meeting you know. But But the thing is, it's a matter of being steady. I now look back on my sponsors who had 25, 30 years, and they had money problems. They have every problem that I have, that you have, anybody could have. They had that problem, but somehow they were steady. That's the way they are. And so I'm sitting there in that room, and this guy's talking, this Al Kennedy guy's talking and he leaves the room when he finishes the meeting you know, and walks out the door and this is, I'm talking about something that happened 30 years ago. 30, almost 30 years ago, more than 30 years go. I remember it like it was yesterday, I turned to my sponsor and I said man, that guy was, you know it's the kind of thing that you meet somebody and you say if I can only hang out with that guy, if I could only hang out with him, maybe have coffee with him just be, hang around him, you Know what I mean? And you know just check in, you once in a while I'll just, you know, hear what he has to say. You know, it's funny. When I first came to AA, and this wasn't a way of getting out of the steps. This is something I sort of thought up. I thought I said, if I can hang out with guys like that through osmosis, I would sort of get this. You know? I heard a guy say, it says, the man or woman you'll be in the next five years will depend on the people you hang out With and the books you read. And the truth is, what I found is the books I read depend upon who I hang out With. It really does. So hanging out with people really has to. So I thought, if I could just hang out with certain people, it would come upon me. You know what I mean? And then I found out, because I'm a lazy son of a gun, that you actually have to do work. You have to Do the Steps, and they're important and everything, so I did those. But now after 30 years, 31 years, I really do actually believe that it really is who you hang out with. You can tell everything about a person by who he hangs out with and who he doesn't hang out with. Because if you hangout with the right people, you will eventually do the steps. You will do what has to be done. because our desire to the thing that used to kill us our desire to prostitute ourselves to do anything to fit in because we want people like us that thing that used to get us to kill us will actually help us because we'll want to fit in with our sponsor or the winners and we'll end up doing this stuff because we want them to like us we want them we want to be like them so it really is that deal so I'm sitting there and I'm talking to my sponsor I said look at that guy you know man that guy was great I really liked him and he turns to me and he says imagine this and you can't, because I'm not, you don't, you can make this stuff up. I mean, you guys aren't paying me enough. It's not like you're not paying me anything. You're not, to make this thing up. He turns to me and he says to me, now imagine this. I'm an alcoholic. I'm three months sober. Every other word out of my mouth is, you don't understand. If only. I'm a if-only-er. I'M a yes-butter. I'm you-don't-understand. IM worried about this. I'M worried about that. If I have a hangnail that's good for 15 meetings and a banana, you know what I mean? I'm going nuts. Everything is driving me crazy. I got a resentment. I've got I've got a mind that's going so fast, there's no such thing as, there's not even a gap between thoughts. I've Got 15 Thoughts Going at the Same Time, followed by another 30 thoughts, you know? And they're all bad thoughts about me and other people, you Know? And I'm like nuts, and it's all about what's going to happen to me, what am I going to lose, what's happening in the future. It's about stuff that has nothing even to do with me, you Now? And I can't stop my brain from moving. Every once in a while I go to an AA meeting, for the first 15 minutes I'm going nuts, you Know what I mean? Then all of a sudden I start calming down, I start listening to what's Going on, all of a sudden I feel good for a nanosecond and then it's out to the flipping world again you know what I mean, and it's just getting me through one day at a time, and I turn to my sponsor because I'm mesmerized by this guy because he was good and I felt calm just being around him, I said that guy is great and he says this, imagine this, he says you know he's dying of cancer and I looked at him and I said no, I'm talking about the guy who just did the meeting he says yeah he's died of cancer, I say the guy who just Did The Meeting, this guy he did the meeting he said yeah he's dying he's got three months to live I said what do you mean he's dying because he didn't say anything about dying he didn't talk about it I mean you know if I was dying of cancer I'd try to slip it in you know oh it's good to be at the triangle club it's good to see you it's good to hear you know you know listen even dying of cancer doesn't stop me from coming here because that's the kind of guy I am you know so don't worry about it but he didn'y even say it he says I know he says he didn''t even look you know he didn't even act you know he says i know and you know that that what that did you know it says remember that thing he says if you want what we have what does it say it's if you Want What We Have and you're willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps you see there's a pre-step to the first step and the pre-stepped to the First Step if you think about it is it says is you got to have a we you've got to somebody something something in front of you, then you say, I want that more than I want to drink. I want dat more than i want to get laid. Let me tell you something. If you don't want dat more than you want to be laid, you're going to have big trouble in this program. You're gonna go out. And you're gonna out because underneath every skirt is a slip, guys. And the same thing for girls, okay? You know, you are gonna go out. You know what I mean? Unless you want this more than anything else, in order to want it, you gotta have a we. If you want what we have, you got to somehow develop a we a person or a group of people you know what we say in the book don't put people on pedestals, there's a reason for that you do damage to them but the truth is, don't kid yourself this is a program of people following people and looking up to people and anybody who's done this with people knows that's the truth, you know What I mean? And you may fall, but it's all about followings in somebody else's footstep passing down a message and he said that to me, but you know with that, and that guy became part of my Wii. Bob Sullivan was part of MyWii. Joe Snyder was part of that deal that I had no idea what they had or how they had it or what it was all about or how you even get it, but I knew I wanted it more than anything else, and that's what will keep you coming to the AA meetings. That's what'll keep you going to a step meeting or following some guy around or doing this or doing that when other people are like clubbing. You know what I mean? Now, here's the interesting thing. That story had such an effect on me. That had such an effect on that had him telling me that that man was dying and yet he was there and he did that thing because i couldn't even wrap my brain about that can you wrap your brain around that can you rap your brain you know many years later i had to deal with that kind of stuff and i've constantly actually i've had to do with that type of stuff but in many different ways and but i couldnít wrap my mind about having cancer and yet going to a meetings and doing I couldn't even understand how a person could do that you know, and I had but here's the interesting thing that statement that he said to me he's dying of cancer counterpointing that probably meant more to me and changed my life more in that one instant than the guy's entire talk I don't know if that makes any sense to you you know just like maybe for some of you that my relating that story because it puts you there this is my story might change your life more than whatever the hell else I said here. You know what I mean? Because it's a true story. And you know what's incredible? I'm absolutely certain, knowing how A works, that there were 40 other people in that room and probably, and there may have been like 35 that didn't even know that. I mean, that story, I mean I'm not going to be egoistic but I think that story that was for me. That's my story. That's not even the story of the other people in the room. I'm sure there were people probably outside, you know, smoking and joking while he was talking. There were people that got out there and said, yeah, he's good, that was good, eh, me? They never heard that story. And they were there, and they didn't even know that story, you now? And some people, even if they knew that story wouldn't even mean anything to them. And that story changed my life. I still remember it today like it was yesterday. How does that stuff happen? How do you do that deal? How do I teach you that deal? All I can do is testify to it. And so, it says right here in the book, it says this. It says we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. Now, let me tell you, this is just my opinion. I think they're talking about something other than not drinking. What do you think? I mean, not drinking. You know, most people in AA, as a matter of fact, most meetings I go to, I don't see anybody with a drinking problem. I don'T think you guys have a drinking problem. Most people are not drinking and crazy and thumb-sucking crybabies. You know what I came to AA? I joined the initial fellowship in alcoholics anonymous, the fellowship of the thumb- sucking crybabys. You know we come in here unemployable, you know three months later we're underpaid, you're the damn boss Who does he think he is? I can run this place. They should make me president. We come in here, I can't get a job. I'm shitting into my pants. Who's going to hire me? And we get a job and then three months later, I should be running this outfit. They're taking advantage of me. So the bottom line is not drinking doesn't guarantee at all that you're going to feel good about yourself. As a matter of fact, not drinking may guarantee that you are going to go down the tubes. Because we drink, because we like the effect we produce by alcohol. Drinking, I'm an alcoholic because no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no woman, no car, no nothing work quite as well as just a few drinks. And that's why I drank it. Because it worked that well. If alcohol did for you what it did for me, you'd drink it too. And if alcohol still worked for me the way it worked for you, you know, I'd probably still be drinking it. But the sad part about my life is alcohol doesn't work for me anymore. and the sadder part about my life is it stopped working for me about 10 years before I realized it stopped work for me and I hurt a lot of people you know but the bottom line is if that's true if we drank alcohol because we couldn't stand sobriety you know most people I was a bar drinker so I drank with hundreds of people I drank in bars with people when I heard that line fear of people fear of evil fear of equal what do you mean fear of igual I love people I love parties well then why do you always have to be drunk when you're around them I love girls I'm attracted to girls and why'd you always have to be drunk when, you know, when you took them to bed or you were going out? Why did you always have to pee drinking? You know, if you weren't scared shitless of them. Asking a girl to dance or going out with her or anything like that. Why did yo always have to drink when you're around people? What's with the statement when you say you're invited to a party and you say who's gonna be there? Why? You know if so-and-so's there I can't go. All over your brain. Marlon Brando said if I'm at a party with a string of people and one doesn't like me I gotta leave. You know I gotta lead I gotta read the party How many people on this planet do things, go places, you know, basically run their lives because they're scared of other people and other places and things and not even know it. They just say, I don't feel like going there. But they don't realize behind not going there is that person, place, or thing that they're scared of running into. And they don' t even think that fear is running their lives. I have guys that come into my office and they tell me, I'm worried about this. I'm afraid about that. I'm worry about this and worry about that, and I don' know what I'm going to do about this. I'm worrying about this, what should I do? And I say, well, obviously your problem is fear. He says, no, I' m not scared. I mean that's how much denial we're in that men are in you know they can't even admit that they're scared or they're afraid they say things like I'm worried like worry you know we were talking about alcohol the other day you know alcoholism he says well I only drink you know the old I only drank wine I don't really drink alcohol I only drunk wine you know that old saying he says well I don'l drink hard stuff I only drinking wine you have to spend 18 years in a banana telling them that wine is alcohol you know you know how much longer do you have to spend time telling people worry is fear you know concern is fear it's all fear so it says the great fact we have found much of heaven I'm going to close up in a second we have find much of haven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence which we had not even dreamed they're not talking about just not drinking you know not drinking if you have to drink in order not to blow your brains out, in order to associate with people in order just live on the planet so you don't feel like a piece of crap then what makes an alcoholic think that stopping putting the substance in their body that is stopping them from blowing their brains out is going to somehow, all of a sudden, they're going to feel better? Because the crap is, the alcoholism is still there. You know, because alcohol is just a symptom. The drinking of alcohol is a symptom of telling you that if this guy needs to drink, it's because he's got alcoholism because he feels so crappy about himself. so if you stop drinking if you stopped getting the anesthetic because you got to do that because it's not working anymore what do you do now well sure for the first two weeks the first month obviously you got cash in your pocket you feel a little better you're not going to jail but what doyou do in the third month when the zombies start coming you know and everybody starts looking shitty you know what I mean and the walls start closing in and it's three o'clock in the morning and they're all worthless pieces of crap and you can't talk to anybody because nobody will understand because they don't know what you've been through and it is all a bunch of crap and it's not true. What do you do with that stuff? You know, what are you going to do with that deal, that alcoholism stuff? The great fact, so this is what they say. They say we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The great factor is just this and nothing less. Alcoholics are running around looking for the answer. The answer is all over the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They say the great factor is just this and Nothing Less. You know what they do better with alcoholics? You know the problem with alcoholists is they give it to them on a silver platter. They ought to say the great fact is this and then just rip that part out and make you have to stay sober for 20 years in order to learn what it is, what the secret is, you know? You know, and say, I go around to every A-book and says the great factor is this and nothing else. I take that part of it and take that out and then people say what's the great thing? I can't tell you you've got to have 20 years. Can't tell ya. You know I know alcoholics there would be guys trying to you know make believe they had 20 years you'd see a couple guys look like they have 20 year and they'd sort of actually up to the table and sit at the table and say, hey guys, how are you doing? Hey, how about that great fact thing? They know. It's so obvious you don't have the 20 because people who have 20 years don't even talk about the grave because they know it. The great fact is just this and nothing less, that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life, towards our fellows and towards God's universe. The central fact of our lives, see what happens with alcoholics and I'm going to go into this next week, is they read it, but they don't read it. You see, they read the big book. They get to the very end, they read all this stuff in flowery language. It sounds good. Next thing you know, they've read things. They've read the book. And when you ask them what it's about, they say something like, acceptance is the answer to all my problems. No, it's not! Sometimes faith encourages. Faith is always... It's not. But they really don't want to get into it. It says, The central fact of our lives today... You know what that means? That means the central fact. That means the only thing they think about, that means the most important deal, the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator... These people were not debating about God. These people weren't standing up saying I'm spiritual, not religious or any of that stuff. As a matter of fact, they were religious and spiritual. Most of them went to church. They encouraged church membership. Priests, you know, I don't know where it started in A that all of a sudden preachers and priests became a dirty word. As a manner of fact in the 12th step In 12 and 12, you get the sixth step. It says a well-loved clergyman. Anybody that knows the history of AA said clergymen were all over this thing. The Bible was all over the steel. That's why they talk about the Good Samaritan and stuff. They said all of a sudden we got cool and we got well and we didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and all of the sudden we watered everything down and when you water everything down, you get a form of religion without power. All of a suddenly the power leaves and people get sober and we get a lot of people in but they're sober sucking their thumbs and they're not experiencing much of heaven. than not being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence which you did not even dream. The central factor of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves which is what they say in the promises too. It says he is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. And so if you're not being rocketed in to the fourth dimension of existance, if you've not experienced much of heaven, if God is not the central fact of your life and the only thing you think about all the time, and the default position when you don't have something else in front of you. Then it's just not happening for you. Then you just don't happen. Now you can hate me, you can write New York, I'm just telling you something that's factually true. They stated what happened to them. They said we've experienced much of heaven, we've been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The central fact of our life is the absolute certainty that God has entered into our hearts and lives. He has changed us. What he's done to us is miraculous. If that has not happened to you, then listen to me. This is the truth. Then it just hasn't happened for you. Then you're not getting out of this deal what they got out of this deal. Now you can either get mad at that or mad at me and that's fine. That's not going to get you anywhere. Or you could say, you know, that's not happening to me? I'm sober but I don't have that. And you And you could say to yourself, I want that. How do I get that? You know what I mean? How do i get that deal because I want that deal? If you want that deal, you can have that deal. That deal is available to you. You know, if you have the courage to go after that deal if you don't want it, it doesn't matter what I say to you. If you want the car or this or that, it's not going to matter what i say to you. And that's the desire. That's the first step desire that I want to talk about because the truth of the matter is and this is the fun sort of like the funny thing the guys that are already in here not drinking like you guys listen to me you're the last guys that need to hear about the first step as far as alcoholism is concerned you know now there may be some guy in the back you know that has a drinking problem doesn't know whether he's an alcoholic or not but you know something the way the lord works even that guy will get the first steps out of this deal because if god is working in his heart where he's one of the guys who's going to be the fellowship he'll get the He'll be sitting there saying, I want this deal. You won't even know what this deal is, and you'll see him sniffing back here. You know what I mean? He won't be saying, well, he didn't say anything about booze or anything like that. He'll get this deal, you know what i mean? And the bottom line is, the question on the first step is, what do you want? What do you need? What do I want? You know how to make? Because you're sober already. You already sort of like, quote, got the first up when it comes to booze. What about when it come to everything else? What about with it comes of that stuff that I just read? That's the thing you might want to think about. So next week we'll talk about some other stuff. Thank you very much.