The Fourth Column and the Cure for Resentment – Chris C.

I'm not going to say anything more. I'd like you all to help me welcome Chris from San Diego. I'm an alcoholic and a member of the Solutions in Sobriety group. My name is Chris Campbell. Hi everybody. We meet on Saturday nights in West Los Angeles and... Please stop by. I'm straightening them out. They're not quite there yet, so you might want to give me a couple months. But I'm working on it. So I want to thank the committee, first of all. Gene called a couple weeks ago. I wantto thank Earl for getting a job and not being able to be here. And may he work often and on weekends. I want to thank Gene and all the committee for inviting me to be here. It's been absolutely a spectacular weekend. I am the sincerest of the speakers. I've been to all the meetings. I noted that I was the only speaker that's been to All the Meetings. I've actually been to a local meeting. That's what Richard was saying. I heard David speak at Fellowship Group yesterday, because I go that extra mile. shopping or a meeting. I pick a meeting whenever there's other people in the car. Left to my own devices, I would have watched ESPN Monster Truck Pull. Just to feel superior. I can't even fix my own car, but anyway. What a wonderful conference you have and I want to extend a welcome If there are new people in the room, I thought of this the other day. If there's new people on the room and you don't have a sponsor, would everyone on the committee please raise your hand? Get one of these people to be your sponsor. These people are active and they're involved and you can be sure they're in the middle of AA. And Richard said it the other days. If you're in trouble, if you're having trouble in your relationship and it's not working out this weekend, grab one of those people with a red badge. Now, if the relationship is over and it doesn't work out, grab one of us with a blue badge. Nick wanted me to say that and I I am as honored as can be to share this podium with the speakers that have spoken this weekend. What a wonderful group of people and and I am truly proud and honored I'm proud and honored to speak in a anywhere at any time I love Alcoholics Anonymous I want you to know that but but this group of people I'm honored to be counted as one of that's not really the band I talk so much I've really written a little musical. Same length as my talk, I just sing and dance. I really am. Because, you know, I've never been to Alabama. I'm from Philadelphia and I live in Los Angeles. I used to live in New York, so you know how I feel about Alabama. I scoffed when they said Huntsville International Airport. I said to Gene, Mississippi is not another country. Those are states. And I know you love the steps and the traditions, and I know that's why you feel so bad that you're breaking the first tradition, and I understand. Smoking in a meeting is a violation of the first traditional. And I understand I used to smoke myself. I still smoke cigars, but not in meetings because our common welfare should come first. Now, that's Father Tom from San Francisco. Don't invite him down here to speak. Or he might say that. Long ago I learned if you can't beat them, join them. So, uh... I, um... Nick only spoke for 45 minutes, so I decided to use his extra 15 and, uh, I've been sober since the 14th of February, 1980, which is one week short of 18 years sober. I'm 34 years old. I was 16 years old when I got sober. I've had a lot of fun. I've never been sober more than half my life. I obviously think this is a wonderful thing, or I'm a schmuck to still be here. Um, Thursday I flew down and, uh, Thursday, February 5th is the anniversary, the 18th anniversary of the first day that I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And at 4.30 in the morning when Delta called to say that the flight was canceled, I was doing dishes, which is a remarkable thing in itself, one that I do them at any time of the day. But then I'm up at 430 to clean those dirty dishes so that I can come home to a clean apartment that's really growth I mean, I've never been to China but I clean my dishes, man you know we gotta take what we get in this program you know for me, that's real growth I'm the type that moves when it's time to clean 18 months 2 years and I'm moving why wait that cleaning deposit you know so I'm they reroute me and I want to thank Andy my dear friend Andy and I met when I was a year sober I moved to Florida because I wanted to take my retirement first who knows how long I'm going to live I got the retirement out of the way I knew Andy for a couple of weeks and I saw her at a meeting one day and I grabbed her and I thought I was cute and I said and I though I was funny and I say you know Andy they say it gets better and better when it can't get any better it gets bigger and when it can't be any better it still gets better I said that's not true It gets worse and worse and worse. When it can't get any worse, it gets worse. And right before it can't getting any worse, it gets absolutely worse. And before the dawn, it's pitch black. And that was Andy's first day of sobriety. She had drank the night before. She found no humor in that statement. She stayed sober ever since. And I... Yeah. And we haven't seen each other in five or six years at least, and it's good to have her here. And alcoholics and honest is a wonderful thing. So I'm on the plane, and they bump me up to first class, which is a class I've never been in, and I'm flying here. And you know, I don't know about you, but you can't get from a four-square-block area Mobile, Alabama. From the suburbs of Philadelphia where I was, you can't get to first class from Las Vegas to Atlanta to go to a conference where you're going to be the speaker. You just can't gets there. There's no way. They don't do that. They don' allow that. It was 18 years to the day and I am so grateful and blessed for the life that I have which most days isn't the life I want, but it's the life I have and if I can stay in my day I'm blessed beyond, you know there was a rabbi that lived 200 years ago, the late 1700s named Rabbi Nachman of Bratislav up in the Carpathian mountains in Transylvania, up there and he asked one of his disciples, one of his followers who was sitting in a chair, he said is the chair you're sitting in empty? and he laughed He said, how could it be empty? I'm sitting in it. He said no. Is it possible that the person in the chair can feel empty? And he said yes. He said well then the chair is empty even when you're sitting in it. That's how I came to AA and for many years here I sat in an empty chair. I was empty. You know it's semantics whether you saved my life or the life you saved was worth saving but what the truth is, is that the life I have today, I couldn't have gotten anywhere else. And all that. I grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia on a quiet little street in a quiet house with two quiet little parents, a quiet sister and a cat. And I hated it. All I ever wanted to be was from the Bronx or Brooklyn or Harlem or Compton. I just want to be from a burned out building with no family, standing up in the frame of a burned out window with smudge on my face and people would say, that's him. I don't know where he came from, but that's him. Because then my outsides would match my insides. You know? They have something called survivor syndrome, psychologically speaking. If you survive something that everybody else dies, you're in a plane crash or in a war or something, and you feel guilty because you were the one that survived and your best buddy died and your friends died, your family died, somebody, everybody died. I have that, but I never survived anything. I've just always kind of felt bad that it's me. I'm the firstborn son of a manic depressive Italian woman and a pathologically silent Irishman. That makes me wildly emotional in a very quiet way. I look like this and I'm just going nuts on the inside, you know? I'm worried about the mortgage, I don't even own a house. I'm just crazy and high. Fine. And I, you know, I'm the kind of guy that could have used a drink on the way to kindergarten. I didn't have my first drink though until I was nine. I waited. I can't believe that nap time and Bourbon wouldn't have been a little bit better. Take the edge off learning to tie those shoes, you know? I don't know how I was born and I don' t know what happened to me but what I am and what I was was filled with anxiety. Filled with self-obsession and fear. Absolutely filled. For years and years and many years into my sobriety if I was speaking and someone in the back row went like this I went like that. Because I thought they were trying to tell me there was shit flying out of my nose. Now, if I don't know they're not listening to me, now, they're thinking about the mortgage back there. And that's good because someone's got to worry. It's the old, you know, I try to see the tunnel at the end of the light. I had my first drink as I said when I was nine I was living with my cousin I was staying with my cousin my cousin was everything I wanted to be he was a liar a cheat and a thief and he he didn't rob people he robbed people that robbed people these other guys would rob houses and then my cousin and his friends would steal the stolen stuff so that the thieves wouldn't benefit from their crime that's what he told me no wonder today he's chief financial officer of one of those biotech labs up in the Carolinas some things you can't learn in school one night they stole a bunch of a case of whiskey and a couple cases of Carling Black Label beer I was nine and they were 13 14 years old they told me I could have the first sip of everybody's beer I could be the bartender I realized if you're only allowed one sip take a big sip Right? I'm alcoholic, I'm not stupid And I took big sips And what happened for me that night when I drank Because this is the new age I can explain to you exactly what happened It's like that guided meditation Where that voice says Breathe in the golden light Breathing in the Golden light we exhale fear And anxiety and self-obsession Breathe in The golden light until Until you are filled with golden light from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. You are encompassed in golden light. You are void of fear and anxiety and self-obsession, though there may be something flying out of your nose. And that's what Carling Black Label did for me, it filled me with golden light. I could talk to the girls, I walked up, I don't even know if this is true anymore. I stand before you five feet, seven inches tall. This is as tall as I've ever been. When I was nine, I was a lot shorter. But I have a memory of walking up to a grown man, putting my arm around his shoulder, looking him dead in the eye and saying, Get bent. I don't even know what that means today. It was the ability to look you in the eyes and say, Get bent! That's what I loved about alcohol. Later that same night, alcohol allowed me to throw up in my sleeping bag. So as to not get caught, my cousin wouldn't let me let his mother clean my sleeping back. So alcohol allowed me to sleep in my puke for a week. Oh, it's not that bad. Please, you people, consistently go, oh, God. I mean, the first night, yeah, it is bad, but you're drunk. You scrape it out. By the second night, it's just a little damp. By the third night, its crusting and flaking off. By the end of the week, you barely even know you vomited there. Now if you come up to me a week later and said, what did alcohol do for you? I said, walk me, allow me to walk up to a grown man walking his dog, look him dead in the eye and say get bent. Anything else? Nope. Not for me. That was to talk to the girls. Did I mention that? I would have completely forgotten that it allowed me to sleep in my puke for a week. The next time I drank, we drank monkey brew. Monkey brew is everybody steals something with alcohol, you mix it all together and you drink it. You guys drink moonshine for Christ's sake. That night we were drinking vodka, gin, bourbon, beer, wine, and champagne. I can tell you two things about this liquid. It had foam and the foam was purple. And I swear to you it squirreled in the glass as it sat on the table. Drank that, went to the dance. My best friend Matt threw up on a nun. Wasn't a spiritual experience for her but it was for us i i stand before you with a yarmulke and i'm jewish i pray and i study and i when i pray and study i wear my yamaka and i've decided to wear it when i speak and and to as much of the day as i can because you deserve that because uh there is nothing more spiritual that i do than speak in alcoholics anonymous and participate in alcohol synonymous And I wear it only to show a belief and a reverence for God. And that's it. You know, I used to wear a tie out of respect. And then I wore a tie because it pissed people in Hollywood off. Now I'm back to wearing that out of perspective. You know? And I hope I haven't offended anyone. And I don't really care if I've offended anyone, but I didn't mean to offend anyone. But I grew up Catholic. Vaguely Catholic. but vaguely Catholic is Catholic enough. My aunt is a nun, which makes Jesus my uncle. I'm not making that up. Church doctrine says she's a bride of Christ. She's my aunt and he's my uncle! I tell you that to brag, really. my mother was in the convent thank God she left otherwise only half of me would be standing here that would be the quiet half so it would be a long hour the next time I drank I drank 16 Genesee cream ales and I drank 60 because 16 was as many as I could drink someone came up to me halfway through the night, and they said, you're as physically as drunk as you're going to get. You can't get any drunker. If you continue to drink, all you're going to do is ruin tomorrow. OK. I have always, drunk or sober, been willing to ruin tomorrow to make tonight just a little bit better. And this is when I offer really my only public service announcement. It's a free gift. It's from me to you, no strings attached. if it's after 11 o'clock at night and it sounds like a good idea, don't do it. Remember that at the dance tonight. Because Johnny made me promise and all of us promised together if he's not done by 11 to start the dance without him. So that's the way I drank. And I use drugs. I'm a drug addict. identifies an alcoholic because this is Alcoholics Anonymous, and I really don't want to ruffle any feathers. But it's important that you know that I'm a drug addict. And I wait, really, until this point in my talk out of respect for Bill, who didn't mention drugs until page seven. Then waited until the early 20s pages to mention them again. So Howard, my sponsor, said that and I love that. It's important for me to remember that because I loved alcohol because it affected you as it went down. I mean, I wasn't running kilos out of Mexico. I was stealing your amphetamines. Your sons were stealing your amphetamines and selling them to me. And I was buying drugs from my friends at school and I would take two and nothing would happen. So I'd take two more and nothing would happen. And I'd take two more and nothing would happen. I'd take two more, the first two would kick in and I'd think, oh my God, I'm going to die. Yeah, I would take a pill and then say, what is this going to do for me? You know, I would take pills and then go look them up in Earl Mandel's Pill and Vitamin Bible to see what it was I was taking. It was a shock the day I found out I was on a three-day run of estrogen my mother had been depressed for many years and I'd been stealing antidepressants suddenly she was going through menopause and I was about to change my life in a very significant way I think I survived I occasionally get yeast infections But other than that I use monistat 7 myself It's the name you can trust The one doctors write I'll send that 800 number for any questions That's the way I used I used for as long as I could I used it for seven years, start to finish If I'd known I was coming to AA if I'd know I was going to end up safe, sane and sober I would have drank more I would've stolen a tugboat and gone to Paris I woulda robbed a bank I wish I could tell you I was a bank robber Every drink I ever took created fear because as much as I didn't want to be in control I wanted to be able to be safe I wanted me to be under control and that fear created the need for another drink so I would take another drink and that would create more fear so I was and the cycle went on you know and I'm not a doctor I don't know anything about medicine except that when I bump my leg on a coffee table I may have a tumor or bone cancer you know I needed a knee replacement last night because I ran on the treadmill and my knee hurt a little so I'm in the hospital getting the replacement while Peg was speaking I came through rather nicely and the legs responded to treatment so I don't know how to diagnose alcoholism but what I know is the book tells me that the great obsession of every abnormal drinker is that they will one day control and enjoy they will no one day control and enjoy their drinking and I can't do that I can control it maybe or I can enjoy it if i'm enjoying it i'm not controlling it you know that's the way i drink that's what i stake my membership in alcoholics anonymous that mom my alcoholism on that because i was 16 i was living at home i was going to catholic school i was fed i was clothed we had a car two cars you know i slept in the car but only because i thought that was cool Why I thought that was cool, I don't know now But I could have gone home But I chose in February to sleep in the car Because it seemed manly It was a... I can explain my entire family unit by that car It was the 71 orange Plymouth Duster Orange The only orange car I think Lee painted one orange and said Just let's see if someone buys it. They bought it in 72 because that was not the model year anymore, and they got a break. Power steering would have been $200. A radio, another $200? Nah. No need. We're just going to keep the car for 16 years. That would be like $4 a year. What happened is that I was driving that orange Plymouth Duster and I was adjusting the radio on the seat and having a blackout, and I ran across the yellow lines and I hit a priest. My front quarter panel hit his rear quarter panel, which means I was inches away from a head-on collision, and my head was down so I probably would have just gone right into the steering wheel and died, but that didn't happen so I made a brave and daring getaway and he found me I'd had a couple of Quaaludes to take the edge off a number of Genesee cream ales in fact there was one between my legs I got rid of that and I'm standing there looking at the car and this guy pulls up and he says were you just in an accident? now the grill is gone, the headlights are gone the quarter panel is at the rear view mirror and all I could say was yes I was he said my name is father or something and I said oh my god I figure that's as close to a burning bush as I will ever get he asked me if I'd been drinking I said no father I wasn't thinking he said no I said drinking I said Oh no I'm just upset about the accident he had asked for my license and registration I handed him the entire contents of the glove compartment I just opened that, looked in there and said I am never going to find the registration And this is my mom's car So I handed him games to play on trips we never took Maps to places we had never been Pencils with no points Mom tissue, lots of mom tissue You know that balled up tissue You don't know if it's been used Or if it has just been in her purse forever I just gave it to him He asked me to walk home And I said no problem father And he left and I got back in the car And I started driving And the road went to the left And I went straight And as I went over a sign that said No parking any time I thought it's a good damn thing They don't let people park here That could be dangerous And I got where I was going And my friends didn't laugh They didn't laugh, and they didn't let me drive home. And I'll tell you, I'm one week short of 18 years sober. I do not consider myself an old-timer. But what I hate about old-timers is when they do that thing... Ah, Ted, I'll say something. When I got sober, we didn't have all these detoxes, hospital programs, no. Do a guy in a closet, took him out in a week, took him to a meeting. We didn't even have air conditioning, no way. Smoke? We ate cigarettes back then. But I'll tell you, when I got sober it was back before the days of friends don't let friends drive drunk. It was back in the days of friends go out driving drunk with friends. You remember those days sometimes we'd walk to the party and then go get the car later. You need a couple drinks to feel at one with an orange Plymouth Duster. my friends didn't let me drive home I went home I got up the next day I went to school we smoked pot every day on the way to school because it made us smarter I chose not to get high that morning not because I was making a lifelong decision not because I thought I was changing the way I was living not because I thought there was anything wrong with smoking pot on the road on the school bus but I'd once seen Joe Doherty throw up into his hands on the School Bus Now, I'm not an engineering student or a physicist or a physics major, but I can tell you that the trajectory and force of vomit at that range turns it right back on you. It was a disgusting thing. It was like, it was a memory that I have to live with forever. I really share it with you hoping to diminish it in my mind, but it's not working. Just right back on him. It was not something I thought I could live through, So I decided not to get high that morning. Now, I got to school and I threw up in the hallway, which is not allowed in a Catholic boys' school. So I went home. And I saw my friend Jimmy on the way out. I said, Jimmy, anything you got, I need something. My resolve was gone. I was ready to get higher again because I needed it. I wasn't, you know, I wasn'T partying. I mean, am I a social drinker? Of course. I drink with other people all the time. We have such good parties. People come and watch us drink. I drank in a park mainly. We had keg parties. We were renowned in the area, not world-renowned. And I said, Jimmy, anything you got? I just want anything. And he said, I've only got a little, and I need it for myself. Now, that to me was an example of a lower companion. Once I got here and I found out about lower companions, I said Jimmy is a lower Companion because of his selfishness and his self-centeredness. A couple of years ago, I saw him at our 15th high school reunion. And he remembers that day too. He marks his actions as the beginning of my sobriety. He thinks that if he hadn't done that, I may not have gotten sober. All these years, I've thought of him as a scoundrel and he's thought of himself as a hero. And I can't tell you that he's wrong. Because I don't know what else would have happened. I don'T know that if I had taken a nap and smoked the joint and gone home and taken a nap, I wouldn't have felt better in the afternoon. I was young. You know? What happened is all I can bet on. What happened was I went home and I picked up the Yellow Pages and I called Alcoholics Anonymous. I did that because my friend Lizanne had gone to AA three or four months previous. And Lizanne was the kind of drinker I always wanted to be. We drank in the park, and Lizanne would wake up in Manhattan or Atlantic City or on a bus bound for Ohio. She'd just wander off, come back in two or three days. I loved that. I thought if I can drink the way Lizanne drinks, I'd be all right. because if I drank here I woke up here pretty much just traced back to my feet stand me up and that's where I'd been drinking no mileage and when Lisanne got sober I saw something change in her eyes it was a matter of months she couldn't have done anything except stop drinking and gone to meetings beginnings of a spiritual experience but there was there was no time I mean She hadn't had an entire psychic change, but something happened enough so that on that morning I opened the Yellow Pages. I called Alcoholics Anonymous. A woman answered the phone. What I actually called was a thing called the 319 Club, a tiny little club in Ardmore, Pennsylvania, no wider than this, definitely not as wide as this set of chairs and no longer than this room. Second floor, above a taproom, big picture window in the front where people sit and watch life go by. and I've never found the pamphlet for how to decorate an AA club but there must be one because they're all decorated relatively the same the woman answered the phone she said Alcoholics Anonymous may we help you I said yeah how do you get into AA she said the door I thought you know we don't need that kind of attitude from our phone workers she said if you get here by 12.30, I'll take you to a board meeting. I thought, a board meaning? I'm not even a member yet. What kind of shoddy organization are these people running? I got there around 2.30. And when I got here, there was three guys in AA. They were the three guys from the Dan and Yogurt commercials in the 70s. Do you remember those 350-year-old Russian guys? They could barely move, and then they'd eat the yogurt and they'd do backflips and cartwheels. Those three guys were in AA when I Got Here. And they were the only three guys. As far as I knew, it was Lizanne, these three guys, and me. And the woman that answered the phone. So I looked at these three guy's and I thought, if I don't drink for as long as they've been alive, I can't have a drink for 134 years. They sat me down. I gotta describe the club because it's the same. You know, it's that rocky coast at sunset with serenity prayer scene. The sick guy in bed with the two healthy guys talking to him. Norman Rockwell-esque. painting. The slogans have artistic angles down the walls. Easy does it, first things first. Live and let live. Think, think, think. The steps and traditions with their own spotlights. Everything covered with 50 years of tar and nicotine, so it looked like a cave that was melting. The three guys with their coffees. And in the back, in green Gothic backlit lettering, it said, but for the grace of God. And I looked around and thought, but for the praise of God, what? I would have gotten hit by a bus on my way in here. I mean, they sat me down. They gave me my first cup of coffee in addiction. I'll thank them for forever. I'm not really addicted to coffee. I just drink it so as to not get a headache. I don't have to drink it until noon. Up until noon, it's a choice. It's a choice I make every day, but it's a choice, and people would come in at three in the afternoon, and I'd just be sitting there with my coffee, and suddenly some guy would go, Chris, my name's Bill. I'm an alcoholic. Don't drink anymore. Got a big job. Got to make house. Got all that stuff. Gotta go do it. Here's my number. Call anytime. And he'd be gone. Another sip of coffee. Chris, yeah. My name's Gordon. Alcoholic. Don' t drink anymore Got a Big Job. Got A Big House. Got Alot Of Kids. Gotta Go Take Care Of Them. Here s My Number. Call Anytime. By the end of the day, I had a whole pile of numbers. some of them actually said call anytime i do that i have cards new guy comes up to me after i speak says can i have your number say sure i write call anytime you underline that and then put an exclamation point you want him to know he's free to call you at any time you shake his hand you look him in the eye you hand the phone number to him you say you feel free any time do that for two reasons one i want to give back what was so freely given to me I want to complete the cycle I want it to be of service The second reason I do it is because I know He's never going to call If he calls, he's going to Call when he thinks I'm not there Ten in the morning Two in the afternoon, seven in the evening So he can call Say he called and not leave a number I wasn't going to Call Gordon at two o'clock in the Morning to tell him what I am the reason for the decline of Western civilization? I'm the biggest pervert that ever lived? What am I going to tell him? That's why I drank, so I wouldn't have to throw my best friend at 2 o'clock in the morning. Now I'm going to start calling strangers? No way. Next day, one guy called me. One guy took my number and he called me He said, Chris, this is Paul. We met in AASA. I said, hi, Paul. How are you? He said、I'm great. I'm coming to a meeting tonight. Would you like to go? I said, yeah, I didn't want to go to a meeting. I wanted to say, Paul, I went to AA yesterday. You mean I got to go two days in a row? But I went and it was at that meeting, 18 years ago yesterday, that I found hope and love and understanding. I didnít know thatís what I found, but thatís what Iím found. And I caught alcoholism. I wasn't an alcoholic when the meeting started I was a little upset too Because they went around the room And everyone was alcoholic They said they were alcoholic I wasn' t an alcoholic And I wasn''t prepared to start lying just for you I was really nervous And then it got to Paul He was the second to last person And he just said, my name is Paul And I said, My name is Chris About halfway through the meeting I raised my hand and said I think I'm an alcoholic I have what you have Believe me, in my family if you come through the mental illnesses with just alcoholism you're doing very well My family has psychiatrists the way some people have lawyers In my family just alcohol is and that's like going to Harvard and by the end of that meeting I was running and going I'm an alcoholic that's what's wrong with me and I was welcomed and I loved more phone numbers were given and more phone members were taken and people told me to come back and that became my home group the Paoli Young People's Group the Wednesday night meeting and the Paola Young People'S Group the beginner's meeting actually which met an hour earlier than the regular meeting that was where I first saw the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous And if you're new here tonight or today and you don't have a group that means that to you, find one. Go to another meeting. Find a meeting that you can live for. That was the meeting for me. If I lived or died, that wasn't really a problem. That was not concerned with me. But something happened there. And I found this meeting and I knew that no matter what happened, if it happened on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday, and I went to other meetings but that was my meeting all I had to do was get back to the Wednesday night meeting of the Paoli Young People's Group and I would be alright and I was and I'd see Chuck and Katie and Paul and all the people that were there and I'll be alright and so find that meeting for you wherever it is you know and get a sponsor and read that book you know not everything in my life that is important to me is Alcoholics Anonymous but it's all possible because of Alcoholics Anonymous the life I have the activities I have you know I'm on the board at my temple that's not directly related to Alcoholics Anonymous but I wouldn't be on that board if it weren't for you I wouldn' be able to sit through those board meetings You think GSR is bad, man. Oh my God. I couldn't be there. I wouldn't have ever been invited to be there if not for you. And you know what? You don't have to come with me. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. But thanks for making it possible for me to go. Because without you, I wouldn' t be there and I love being there. I love it. I love my experience of that group, those people. And I wouldn't have it without you. So I went to a lot of meetings and I graduated from high school and I moved down to Florida and I got another sponsor. I tend to go mean sponsor, nice sponsor, mean sponsor. Nice sponsor. That's my pattern. John was John W. He was a Baptist turned Catholic from North Carolina. Rigid guy. And he was, you know, I just loved John. I'd go to John, I'd say, John, I gotta make more money. He'd say read page 127. The hell's on page 127? A stock certificate that I missed? Pre-approved AA credit card? What are we... It says on page 127 that although financial recovery is on the way for many of us it's always preceded by spiritual progress. i thought he was saying pray more like you know god would be tending to europe and then he'd look over and say somebody get that kid in florida better paying job he sure does pray a lot he was saying work the steps but since he didn't say work the stops i didn't hear him that summer we were the first year i was there john was the chairman of the florida state convention and put me in charge of security because i'm half italian i thought that he wanted it run like the mafia. Kind of mafia secret service, you know? We'd have guns. We were security after all. And those things that those guys talk into their hands with, that's what I really wanted. Okay, the room's clear. Bring in the speaker. Get that newcomer away from the speaker. Shoot him if you have to. Found out that there's no need for security at an AA convention, and that's why I was in charge of it. Security at an AA convention consists mainly of finding out how many rolls of toilet paper they need in the ladies' room, securing said toilet paper, bringing it back and waiting for someone to bring it in. That's really what my job consists of, and I was very good at it. What happened, though, is that that weekend I met a couple of speakers from California, a guy named Tom S., and a guy named Clint H. Tom was a vet. They kept saying at all the meetings, Tom's a vet, Tom is a vet now. I wasn't in Vietnam, but I was down with the vets. You know, I understood Oh, you know, it's not their fault, the bad boy. My cousin died in Vietnam. He volunteered. He knew his number wasn't going to come up and he volunteered and he gave his life in Vietnam and that was always very close to my heart. Tom's a veterinarian. Does nothing for me. I don't think dogs understand me better than people. Dogs have a brain this big. People have a bring this big People don't understand me. Why would I think a dog's going to understand me? You're my species and you're out there. I don't get you. You don't get me. I'm going to start crossing species lines. Oh, my best friend coming. Well, Tom was young. Tom was 28 or 29 at the time. He was about 9 or 10 years sober. I was only 18, but I was already 2 years sober, so I went over to explain to Tom how I was sober longer than he was. Well, I'm 16 and I'm 2 He's 28 but he's only 10 By the time I'm 28, I'll be 12 I'm sober longer than he is Using this math, I've got a lot of kids I'm also sober longer Than almost everybody And the great secret is If you got sober younger than me I just don't think you're alcoholic In a matter of minutes Tom was calling me teen dream and heartbreaker and asshole. I don't know why. He asked me what step I was working. In those days, I was preparing to get ready to turn my will up. I can't believe it when I'm in it. He said, is that in the book? By the end of that weekend, I I was on my knees with my sponsor saying the third step prayer. My sponsor said, well, it's a good time. You don't have a job. It's a great time to start a fourth step. So come on over tomorrow and we'll start one. And I showed up with every fourth step guide known to man. I had the Hazleton Guide. In those days, N.A. was writing their literature. They had about a 150-page guide going around, you know, whole section on bestiality and everything. Word went out a couple of weeks later, don't read that guide. That could harm you. I had the Walmart guide, you know. Sam takes you through the steps. It was great. I had everything. My sponsor said, where's the book? I said, well, I don't know. He said, if it's good enough for Bill Bob and the first 100 members, it's certainly good enough. It's good for you. I said okay. Who is Mr. Brown? what is my attentions to his wife is that like on my way to coffee I said hey Mrs. Brown nice dress I mean does that go on the list he explained it to me it's fairly simple it's the only picture in the book who do I resent everybody what does that affect my life you know why do I resent them they ruined my life then he said leave room for a fourth column I said there's no fourth column in the picture and I found out that's the cure really that's where I write what I did to start the ball roll that's what makes it possible for me to get rid of my resentment because if they started with you they'd have to end with you and you know you're not going to do that you'd like to but you're just not capable you'd try for a while but you'd fail they have to start here so they can end here so that I can grow through them so I cannot die and so I wrote down all my resentments And I wrote the four-column inventory, and I wrote my fears. Basically, I'm afraid of everything. I'm scared of failure and success, being alone, being committed. Just afraid of it all. And then I wrote My Sexual Inventory, and I answered the questions in the book, not the questions in my head. The book doesn't ask, are you the biggest pervert that ever lived? It's not in the books. Was I selfish? Yeah. I thought you were supposed to be. Did I unjustifiably arouse suspicion? Whenever I could. How else am I going to know you care? I found out that my relationships were like downhill skiing. They were with different people, but they all started in basically the same place and they all ended in basically the same thing. And somewhere in the middle someone rang a cowbell. I don't know why, but a couple of weeks in I'd hear a cowbell and soon enough I'd be packing up and leaving. New relationship, new girl, new meeting. Ding, ding, ding. And I'm gone. And I saw a pattern that I would have never seen if I hadn't inventoried that. And I got to write an idea and see what it was that I wanted. And I would've never done that. You know, and I bundled it all up with twine when I was done and I took it off to call John and said, I'm ready to read. And he picked me up and he said, you can start reading now. And I thought, in your Camaro? I'm going to read one of the greatest spiritual treatises ever written in a Camaro. Then he goes to WAGS, which is the Florida equivalent of Denny's, except it's not national. and he says oh by all means bring it in I'm going to read my four step in wax then he invites people to the table hey John Eddie come on over you don't have to read while John and Eddie are here thanks thanks a lot nor did I have to read while I ordered so it wasn't like I resent my sister and I'd like blue cheese dressing on the side I thought we should go to the Everglades. Like, get those big robes like Obi-Wan Kenobi wore in Star Wars. Light a small fire. It has to be a smallfire because as I read the inventory, I'll tear the pages off, throw them on the smallfire, which will become a large fire, signifying the connection between heaven and earth. I won't just read, I will chant, like Greek tragedy. I resent my mother! John was rigid, so I never brought up the Everglades. But after WAGS, we finally did go to a park. Unfortunately, it was a park at the end of runway number two at Fort Lauderdale International Airport, so every two and a half minutes he couldn't hear me anyway. Which is when you work the sex stuff in, you know, it's like... And then there was a dog. People always ask, well, is there a dog? It's a good thing I'm telling this story in a general way. Then he looked at his watch. He said, oh, time to go to a meeting. I thought, what the hell, John? Let's do your dry cleaning while we're at I mean, you want to do some volunteer work? I mean... Late that night we finished up by the light of his glove compartment. Sitting in the driveway of the apartment that I didn't have when I started writing the inventory parked behind the car that I Didn't Have When I Started Writing the Inventory. And I'm not saying I found the keys and the lease in my book one morning. I don't know that there was any direct connection, but I can tell you I Didn'T Have The Apartment and I DidnT Have The Car When I Start and I Did When I Finished. And John said, go inside and sit quietly for an hour. And if there's nothing else that comes to mind, say the seven-step prayer. If there is, review the first five proposals. And if There's Nothing Else, say The Prayer. If There's Something Else, call me. And I went inside and I thought. And there was a man now that knew everything about me. Everything that fit in the format and every crazy, goofy thing that I could think of that I couldn't work into the format. And I said the seven-step prayer. And I don't know if I was entirely willing, but I was more willing than I had ever been. All my life, I'd wanted to be a priest in the Marine Corps. You know what I mean? I wanted to help you or snap your neck and step over your cold, dead corpse, you know? I wanted the help. I just didn't want to be vulnerable, you now? And then, thank God, I didn't burn that inventory because I needed it to make my amends list. and I assembled my mentalist and that Christmas I was back in Philadelphia and I'd worked for Exxon my first job sober I was a petroleum exchange engineer pumped gas at the corner of Wynwood and Lancaster I was always I was the smart guy I've always been a smart guy and that's really never helped me at all and I would you know we would do little things we would if you bought two dollars worth of gas we wouldn't turn the pump off completely. Next guy would pull in and we'd start at $2. So that $2 was profit for us. And they didn't keep track of the windshield wiper fluid, so there was always a lot of pushing of the windshill wiper flow. And the guy that worked the day shift was an old guy that had worked there forever, so they would have never accused him of stealing. So we'd buy our dinner out of his bank. And so I owed Lou Bautista, an Italian probably in the mafia guy, at least a few hundred dollars. And I had written him on my list and I didn't want to make amends to Lou. Lou was an angry man. But you know, I told John I would. And when I got up to Philadelphia, I went into Lou's station one day and I walked in, I said hello to the guys, I said, where's Lou? They said, they pointed to the island. and it was raining, like sleet, December, cold, wet, sleety rain. And Lou's out pumping gas. This is not a good thing. When the owner's pumping gas, it's not a great thing to do. It's not going to be a good day to make amends. And Lou came in, he said, shaking himself off, he said why isn't always an old guy that mouths off to me? Why doesn't a young punk mouth off to you? I'll drop him. You know, I don't really need to make Amends today. I started to walk out and suddenly I thought I'm going to go back to Fort Lauderdale it's not going to be raining it's going to rain it's gonna be about 74 degrees John and I will be talking in our short sleeve shirts it'll be warm a little humid I'll try to explain how cold and wet it was he'll just never understand he won't grasp the concept of how cold and how wet and how angry Lou was, I've got to make the amends. Again, not out of any great sense of higher purpose. I just didn't want to get in trouble when I got back to Florida. So I asked Lou to step outside, and I thought we stood in front of a car whose hood was open, and I said, I'm just going to start, and I'm going to talk until he punches me. And I said Lou, I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and in the process of my recovery I need to make amends When I worked here, I stole, I don't know how much money from you. And I explained the ways that I stole the money and I told him that the figure that I had come up with was about $300. It could be more, it could be less. I wasn't really sure. And I wasn' t in a position to make a payment of $300 and I was still talking. He hadn' t hit me yet. I said, I'm not in a situation to make payment of 300 dollars. I can make payment 20 dollars today and 20 dollars a month until the debt is paid. And I was sti ll talking. and I opened my eyes and he said I understand what you're doing I'm a member of Gamblers Anonymous He says and I don't know how much you took either but what I'm willing to do is take your $20 today and say that it's a debt of $200 and you can pay me $20 a month for the next 10 months He'd almost cut the debt in half just like that and I had a moment of gratitude and love and a sense of connectedness that I rarely have. And then my very next thought was, you know, if he could have knocked it down to 200, just as easily could have knocked it Down to Nothing. I think the lesson has been learned. And that's the way it went, you know? At that time, I decided that I wanted to be an actor and I moved back to Philadelphia and I started to pursue study acting. Took classes and I went to school in New York and I applied and I auditioned and I got in. That was hard. The application took seven months to fill out. I had to figure out what kind of pen to use, what color ink, should I print or write in cursive, which names should go first because what had happened was a couple of years had gone by and I slowly, slowly, slowly, ever so slowly started to take back control. And I wasn't not here. I wasnít not working. I just wasnít paying attention. And one day after many months of talking about this application and meeting a woman walked up to me after a noon meeting and she handed me a stamp. She said, ìThis stamp is to mail your application to drama school. Should you choose not to use it, I never want to hear about that application again. I thought, it's a good day to mail that application. Because that other guy that spoke at that convention said something that has stuck with me ever since. He said, you can have anything you want in Alcoholics Anonymous in your life. You can have everything you want. He didn't disqualify me. He didn' t say accept the guy in charge of security. he told us all that we could have anything we wanted as long as we were willing to do the work to get it as long als we didn't expect our parents or our wives or our husbands or our girlfriends or our boyfriends or our sponsors or our sponsees to do it for us we could do it we could just have anything and I've staked my life to that some days it's hard to do the work some days its impossible to do the work, you know? But I can tell you this. I'm not a long-distance runner. I'm a 100-yard dash kind of guy. And I've been at this for 10 years. I've had success here and there and I've developed my craft. I've started to write. I've done stand-up. I've don things I wouldn't have done if I'd had success right off the bat. But I haven't had the kind of success you know as Andy and I walked up the jet way I was humming Hail to the Chief so I haven't had that kind of success yet but do you know when my when I was I had a I was in therapy I was two or three years sober and my sponsor was in service well what is it exactly that you want I said I want to be world famous I don't mean that in a kind of world famous barbecue no I mean when the Bangladesh Times hits that hut in Upper Mongolia, I want the guys to go, Chris Campbell. I want them to know me. Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed me to stay in the game. If I weren't in AA, I would have quit already. I am firmly convinced that I will succeed. if I don't I've had a wonderful journey to this point I've learned many many things about myself I've grown incredibly as a human being for the pursuit so I hope I make it but if I haven't I haven'T wasted a moment because of you because of Alcoholics Anonymous because of what I've learnt here to be present in my life to be the speaker when I'm the speaker and to love that and to live and to LOVE making coffee when I'M THE COFFEE MAKER I'm a really good speaker. I'm an excellent coffee maker. I fold chairs like few others. I'm held back usually by the other chair folders. But I persevere. When I was 10 years sober, I moved to Los Angeles. Clint became my sponsor. We worked together for a couple of years. you know when I was 12 I got Howard P. to be my sponsor and Howard took me to the second step told me I had to find a God again that I could believe in I had grow that relationship one more time and when I was 19 I read Exodus the book by Leon Yuris and immediately I wanted to go to Israel I wanted to dig avocados out of the earth to fight Arabs I didn't know then that avocados didn't grow in the earth but they have to in this story because while I'm digging with my Uzi on my back and the sun glistening off my tan hardened body I see a cloud of dust come up over the hill and a stallion rides towards me on it a beautiful Sabra, a native Israeli woman with long flowing curly black hair with long, flowing, curly brown hair or blonde hair or really short hair. It didn't really matter. She'd pull up on her seat and she'd say, there's trouble on the ridge. That's not how she talked, but that's the only accent I know, really. She'd pulled me up on the horse and we'd ride off to shoot Arabs. I told Stanley, my sponsor, dear sweet man with about 30 years of sobriety, that story. And he looked at me and he said, I wanted to go fishing. I said, what? I wanted to go fishing. Not just fishing, but fishing in Nova Scotia. I said when? He said when I was two years sober. This isn't about fishing, Stanley. This is about saving the world. I didn't go to Israel. He knew I wouldn't. But that book stayed in me. And five years ago, I was sitting in an office and I read an ad in the newspaper that said, so you want to be a Jew? Didn't exactly say that, but that was it. spirit. It was a course in basic Judaism, and this idea was still with me 10, 12 years later. And I decided to act upon it, right? I mean, I'd given it a decade. I don't like to jump to conclusions. If an idea stays with me for 10, 10, 12 years, then I go for it. No need to rush. No need to be intuitive. There's plenty of time for that later. Let's worry now. And I took the class and I knew I wouldn't like it, that's why I took it. I knew that if you don't like Catholicism, Catholicism comes from Judaism. You're not going to like Judaism. I loved it. It made sense to me. It make perfect sense. You are here, this is the world you live in, fix this world. Whatever is there, whatever is the next world, that's not our business. Right? This is the round up. Let's talk about the 8th round up you know what rather than let's talk about the eighth roundup let's be at the seventh roundup and that made sense to me fix the world the world is not created we are creating it man is not creative we are that made and i thought you know why i'm going to do this i'm gonna do this i converted i went through the process i converted And not long after that, I married an Egyptian. I converted in so I could marry out. They loved that. But I didn't choose that either. My wife was raised Muslim and her father didn't come to the wedding. And it's tough sometimes. To be perfect, I mean, I'm not going to be anything but as honest as I can be and I want you to know that we're separated but we're growing and we're hopefully I don't know what we're going to do but when we married we certainly didn't marry so that I would be separated by the time I got to Huntsville it's what it is I could have lived without the second circumcision that's one of the steps You have to go to the mikvah, which is like a body of water, like a pool. And you have to be educated enough to know what you're doing. And you Have to be circumcised right there in Genesis, you know, Abraham and Isaac and Ishmael were all circumcise. And I've been circumcising. I don't mind telling you that I've told you everything else. But it wasn't done with religious intent. So they had to do it again. There's not much left. I'm more of a conversationalist now. I had to go to a doctor, a urologist. They took me into the office and they gave me that robe that you wear and the nurse took me in. It's that same robe that's open in the back, but you just wear it backwards for a circumcision so that it's... And the nurse was deadly serious. She looked at me and she said, Wash your penis for three minutes. I thought, I don't think I've ever washed my penis for 3 minutes. after three minutes I'm not washing anymore actually after three minutes I'm done I want to tell one quick story, and then I'll go, I promise. We'll have just enough time for a coffee break before the main speaker. It's an important story, though, and I really want to say it. I'm going to tell it in... What the hell? I have the microphone, so... It's about the Baal Shem Tov. The Baal Schem Tove was the founder of Hasidic Judaism, and he lived in that same region. He was the grandfather of the rabbi that I told you about before in the Carpathian Mountains in the late 1700s. Not a good place to be. What was true was that most of Judaism was controlled by a very small minority of educated people, and everybody else was uneducated and felt disenchanted and disconnected from God. And what the Baalshem Tov said is that God wants us to laugh and to dance and to sing, And that's the way we communicate through God. Not by knowing Hebrew, not by reading the Talmud and the Torah, not by understanding the minutiae and the details of the law. What we need to know is that we open our hearts. We laugh and we dance and we sing. And that alcohol is anonymous to me. I mean, we absolutely insist on enjoying life. And we mean that. You know, and this isn't a cocktail party. it's hard to describe what these things are because it's not a party and yet it's a feast for the heart it's time of replenishment and renewal so when he was going to die he gave everyone a job and he got to the end of the jobs and there was this one little guy that just loved him and he said your job is to go throughout Europe and tell the stories of our life like any good commitment getter he said for how long you know it's like do you want to do the literature sure for how long and he said you'll know when to stop so for years he crisscrossed Europe telling the stories of the Baal Shem Tov and he was one day he woke up and he said you know I think I'm done I've told every story I ever knew I told them all twice and I don't know what to do then he heard there was an Italian nobleman who was giving out gold ducats I don't know what a duck it is, but cash of some sort. For news stories of the Baal Shem Tov. And he thought, you know, maybe I'm not quite done yet. And he made his way to the Italian nobleman. I just have to tell you this. My water is Gerber baby water. Is that perfect? Like, should have my picture on it, you now. And he said, well, I'm going to go to the noblemen's castle. He made hisway to the Nobleman's castle and he sat down and he couldn't think of a single story. Not one. And he sat there all day and the nobleman was glad to see him and finally at the end of the day the guy said, you know what? Get some rest, wash up, play tennis, whatever. Next day, nothing. Sat there all night all day. He couldn't play tennis. It was the 1700s. That's a trick. All day, two days, three days, four days. On the fourth day he says, you know, I've got to go. I'm embarrassed. I am the storyteller. This is all I do. I do nothing but tell stories, says the Baal Shem Tov. And the Knopeman didn't want him to leave, but he let him go. And as he's walking down the path to go into the city, he thinks of one story, seemingly inconsequential, seemingly insignificant. And he says, I'm just going to tell this story just to prove that I am who I say I am. And he rushes back and he goes in and before he can forget, he starts and he says let me apologize in advance. It's inconsequential, it's insignificant. It doesn't make sense why I would tell you this story but I'm going to tell you anyway. And he said, one spring season, the Baal Shem Tov said, get the horses ready, we're going to Turkey. Turkey in that time, in those years, at the Easter season, was not a good place for Jews. Christians were not only calling the Jews God-killer, but they were actually offering up a Jewish year for reparations. The guy said, I don't think we should go. He said, get the horse's ready, we're goin' to Turkey and they go and as they're goin', the guy says, okay, as soon as we get there, we'll lay low in the ghetto, we'll just be quiet and we won't make any noise and soon enough Easter will be over and we'll be alright and they get there and everyone's laying low and the shutters are all closed and the Baal Shem Tov throws open the shutders that look down on the town square just as the Christian procession is entering the square and he says to his follower, get the bishop I don't think I should get the bishop, the bishop looks pretty big get the bishops he goes down just as he's sending the bishop to the altar he says, the Baalshem Tov would like to speak to you he wasn't very happy but he said he would come and speak to him after the mass and he did and they went in the back room and they spoke for three hours and they came out and the Baal Shem Tov said get the horses ready we're going home he said the horses are already ready and that's the end of the story and before he can apologize one more time for telling an insignificant inconsequential story when he looks up to Nobeman it's completely changed his face is different his whole attitude and outlook on life have changed he's crying and he stops the man before he could speak And he says, I was that bishop. I grew up in a long line of rabbis and the persecution was so much that I converted to Christianity. And the Christians so loved that that after some years they made me their bishop. And I went along with the killing of my own people. And when the Baal Shem Tov came to me and said I need to, I said to him, can I change my life? Can I be healed? Can I being forgiven? And he said go off and live a quiet life of good deeds. and if ever anyone comes and tells your story then you will know that you have been forgiven and you have being healed four days ago you came here and you couldn't tell my story I recognized you right away but you didn't see me and now today you tell my history you told my story and when you told my story I knew that I had been forgiven and I had been healed and I say to you that it's here in Alcoholics Anonymous more than anywhere else in the world that I hear my story told and when I hear my story told I know that I have been forgiven and I have being healed and you are the people that tell my story and for that I will be eternally grateful thank you for my life