The First Three Steps – Step Study – Part 2 of 3 – Peter M.

I just introduced, this is Simon and this is Peter from the France Primary Purpose Group. And here are my friends. Thanks Julia. Thank you Julia. Morning everybody. My name's Peter, I'm a recovered alcoholic. I've got to say thank you to Julia and everyone that's invited us here. there was someone asked where we come from and what authority do we do this and the reply is I'm an alcoholic I've recovered through working the 12 steps and a god of my understanding and I was asked and when I'm asked to do something in Alcoholics Anonymous I very rarely refuse why shouldn't I give away something that was freely given to me I believe this is kind of an open deal and I know there's some of you in the room who have been in for a while and whatever and what I like to do with this is we're going to be looking at the 12 steps as they're instructed to do in the big book of Alcoholics I'd like to start this off with, we brought God into the room just now with silence and I'd ask that power, I use a little prayer called the set aside prayer before we start this. And if you bear with me, I'd love to say this very, very slowly so you all hear and understand what it says. God please set aside everything I think I know about myself the 12 steps this book the meetings my disease and most of all you God so I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things please let me see truth my history is that My drink in history is that I came to the fellowship in December 11, 1981. And at 16 years sober, I was that far away from a drink because I'd stopped doing what I was 12-step to do. I stopped working what this book asked me to do and I've reworked the work. and I had to lay aside a lot of what I thought I knew about the disease of alcoholism and about these steps and I've relearned it and we're here today to share our experience with working these steps with the aid of this book it's interesting we have a lot of publications in Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't know if anybody's got a fourth edition with the dust cover on in the room today but inside the dustcover it says the first portion of this book had been or something worse to those of that effect, had been the sort of prime message of Alcoholics Anonymous in the previous edition it says it is it sort of puts it in past tense and I believe that this is our basic text it says here in the preface because this book became the basic text of our society and has helped a large number of alcoholic men and women to recover there exists the sentiment against any radical changes being made to it. Therefore, the first portion of this volume dealing with the AA recovery program has been left untouched in the course of revisions, etc., etc. And that's absolutely true. A couple of words were changed in the second edition but that was it. And what this book does, it first of all in the first proportion, so the first 44 pages of the book it tells us about what's wrong with us. It's very important that we should know what's wrong with us and in the next portion it tells us how to get well and actually the actual program of Alcoholics Anonymous is this bit here from page 44 which starts to deal with the second step to page 97 not very much very very thin part of the book, and that's the bit we're going to be talking about, this little thin bit here very easy to miss I'm going to start off by giving us some ideas about what's wrong with us The Doctor's Opinion was written by a man called Dr. Silkworth Dr. silkworth was at the time a sort of world expert he worked for a very quite a prestigious hospital quite a small hospital quite a prestige hospital that specialised in the treatment of alcoholics and drug addicts and he was kind of like a bit of an expert though you wouldn't tell that from the doctor's opinion but and he wasn't he was very modest about what he did but he worked with thousands of drunks over his lifetime when he wrote the doctorís opinion heíd worked with probably 5,000 drunks at the time and everything he says in here is by observation he made these opinions by observation he had no scientific backup and what's really really interesting is that science seems to have caught up with what Dr. Silkworth observed in this thing you know and we Dr. Silkworth says that men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol I didn't like it, I loved it and the sensation is so elusive that while I admit it is injurious now I couldn't say elusive, no the effect for me was very quick but actually it was elusive because I couldnít recapture it and it only lasted for a little while and I always over drank that's where it's elusive it took me a while to figure that one out but it's Elusive because I know what I'm after and it's very difficult to get it and it says here though they're injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the truth from the false to them their alcoholic life seems like the only normal one when I'm in it I don't know I'm in it because it seems normal they are restless irritable and discontented unless they can against again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once not slowly at once by taking a few drinks drinks that they see other people taking with impunity and didn't i do that when i was drinking didn't i see other People getting away with it and i had a resentment against the whole world because they could get away with it and I couldn't. And I wanted to drink like other people, I never could. When I was irritable, restless and discontent, restless, irritable and discondent, I had it described as terminal dissatisfaction. That's what I had. And alcohol fixed it for a while. Alcohol was my buddy. But I had no idea what was wrong with me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. no idea what was wrong and I thought quit drinking it's all going to be ok and when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous I was lucky I came in I was listening to this book and it says it goes on it describes what was wrong with me to start with? What begins to be wrong with me? And I know this is open and whatever, but this book was designed for alcoholics. And what it does over about two or three pages, it actually finds out whether you are one or not. It starts on page 20 and it says that if you're an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you You may already be asking, what do I have to do? And that was my question when I came to Archonson. What have I got to do?" And it says, this is the purpose of this book, to answer such questions specifically. It's going to be specific in the way that it answers the questions. It's not going to general. It's no going to go into general. It's also not going be somewhere in ballpark. It's gonna be specific. it's going to actually answer the questions that we've got and it goes on to say that many times people have said why can't he leave it alone why can he quit, drink like a gentleman or quit can't handle your liquor all that kind of stuff and I identify with that a lot of people said that about me and it describes three kinds of drinkers in here it describes a moderate drinker a moderate drinking has little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason to do it they're the kind of people who can take it and leave it alone they drive me nuts they'll sit there with half a glass you know, like that it's evaporating you know and I'm going go on drink it have another one I still give alcoholic measures when I'm pouring water and stuff never half a class never and I would look at a glass like that and for me it would be half empty most people say it's half full some people describe it as alcohol abuse moderate drinkers and they say things like do you want another one oh no I've had two I'm beginning to feel it right that's when I started that's what I wanted they're ready to go home that's where I wanted I wanted to feel that's where I wanted to stay, that's the elusive bit that's what I wanted to stay and of course I never did and then it says there's a certain type of hard drinker who may have had the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally it may cause him to die a few years before his time, if sufficiently strong reason ill health, falling in love, change of environment or the warning of a doctor becomes operative this man can also stop or moderate although he may find it difficult troublesome and may even need medical attention hard drinkers look like alcoholics hard drinker drink as much as alcoholics some hard drinkes drink more than alcoholics they look like us they have some of the symptoms that we've got they shake a lot sometimes they throw up in the morning and somebody told me when I first come to Alcoholics Anonymous you're thrown up in the morning you're either alcoholic or pregnant and in your case I think it's probably alcoholism and they go to treatment and stuff and sometimes they get called alcoholics now our book asks us to identify whether we are or not I said I was alcoholic because I complied with some of the symptoms in here I wasn't told that I was an alcoholic and I always say to people if someone has told you you're an alcoholic check it out because it's very very easy to lump it all together and I also hear another lie sometimes and I believe it's a lie that alcohol and drug addiction is the same deal and I don't believe that it says here what about the real alcoholic and sometimes I introduce myself as a real alcoholic and people get really bit grindy about that he said it may start off a moderate drinker, it may become a continuous hard drinker but at some stage in his drinking career he begins to lose all control over his liquor consumption once he starts drinking once he starts drinking the doctor describes that as the manifestation of an allergy he he observed this in us he had no way of knowing and he says in here we believe or so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol and chronic alcoholics chronic meaning we have it for life chronic disease you've got for life is a manifestation of an allergy that the phenomenon of craving I have no control over how much I drink once I start drinking because my body says put more in my head says stop, my body say put more in is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker never these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all and once having formed the habit found they cannot break it once they've lost self confidence their reliance upon things human problems pile up on them and they become astonishingly difficult to solve are your problems piling up on you becoming astonishingly difficult to resolve I found that in sobriety we'll talk about that later so I got something wrong with my body that when I put alcohol inside my body my body says more it's the rate that i metabolize alcohol alcohol i metabolized alcohol slower than some folks it changes chemicals i end up with something called acetaldehyde which is hanging around in my bloodstream which is doing irreparable damage to my liver and my pancreas it's really nasty stuff um it ends up as as other chemicals i won't go into it i'm not an expert I'm an alcoholic but somewhere along the line it produces a chemical that says to me more I put more in it builds up this chemical that says more this is a disease of more and this is fine as long as I don't drink but I've got another problem I've had another problem I've got a problem with my head that says next time it'll be different next time I can drink and get away with it when I came to AA first step says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and often people say and there's no and there there's a dash we admitted that our lives had become unmanageable there's two ideas in the first step two ideas I'm powerless over alcohol when I put it inside my body I put alcohol inside my body, the alcohol says more, my body says more, the craving for alcohol the second half I admitted that my life had become unmanageable, I cannot manage the decision not to drink that's the unmanagability of my alcoholism I cannot mange the decision to drink, it says somewhere else in the book that at times we are unable we have no defence against the first drink, now I guarantee you that somewhere down the line drunk or sober I'm going to be in that position, I have no mental defence against the first drink that's alcoholic that's the nature of alcoholism for me it's an allergy of the body with a strange mental condition sort of mental blindness that I can drink like normal people and next time it's going to be different in spite of all the evidence in spite of all the evidence I'm running out do you want to pick up on that yeah go for it morning everybody my name is Simon Clark I'm a recovered alcoholic grateful to be here first things first I'd just like to thank Julia and the committee for this invitation to do this workshop with you this weekend I'm very happy to be here and looking forward to this weekend my home group is the primary purpose group of Alcoholics Anonymous in the south of France we are a big book study group we study and we practice the 12-step program of recovery as it's outlined in the first 164 pages of the fellowship's basic text which is which is called the big book we are not the most popular group amongst alcoholics anonymous where we come from because we do that which is the doctor's opinion says is that in the in the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery those certain ideas being the 12 steps as part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics impressing upon them they must do likewise with still others 12 step work this has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families in very early days these people worked the 12 steps quickly had spiritual experience turn around work with others um and that the book was based on that to give people the 12 Steps to recover have a spiritual experience and go and work with people and the book is the basic text it's the fellowship got its name from the basic text and for some reason or other that seems so controversial in our fellowship today anyway we study and we practice the 12 steps outlined in that book um our mother group is the primary purpose group in dallas texas and what they do is they do the same deal we do the samedale where we are so we're linked to those guys who do that um i spent a long time trying to get sober um and i tried every possible means of trying to get sober that was out there um i started drinking at 13 the illness progressed um and it nearly killed me at 22 by suicide attempt and i drank a lot um and I wanted to stop had to stop needed to stop couldn't stop and i tried everything uh detox counselors therapists treatment and i went through all of that for about two years trying to get sober couldn't start drinking could stop for periods of time but inside of me um living in my own skin was horrendous voices driving me crazy in my head i had this restlessness this irritability discontentment boredom doubt agitation um all of this stuff going on inside me and i had to drink to treat that i didn't know it was alcoholism at the time they they told me i may be alcoholic but i didn'T really understood what it meant to be alcoholic and then uh subsequently i was in and out of alcoholics anonymous i picked up five one-year chips in five years um trying to get buy on what the book talks about as a middle of the road solution um and i tried every everything that these people in alcoholics anonymous uh asked me to do you know and what peter just read there was so true you know what do i have to do but 90 meetings in 90 days when i did 90 meetings in 90 ways and i'd still drink um i do 90 meetings and 90 days and my life didn't get better as a result of doing that you know i became all this internal um discomfort started to happen i wasn't able to manage my money uh i was having trouble in personal relationships i was a prey to misery and depression and subsequently the more meetings i'd make the more progressive that internal condition became so the more you heard about it and i was encouraged to keep coming into meetings and sharing about that in the same belief that it would go away and it didn't so i've recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction i'm a member of both fellowships i'm also a member of cocaine anonymous um what i don't do is confuse the two up i respect this the principle of singleness of purpose and and when i'm in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous um i introduced myself as a recovered alcoholic and when I meet in a meet in of ca cocaine anonymous I introduce myself as recovered drug addict I don't separate myself from everyone else in the room with and up and nor should I continue to do that you know so I remember both fellowships I'm pretty believe keeping it in this keeping it separate as Peter said it is very different very different you listen to a fifth step from a cocaine addict and then you go and listen to a fifth step for an alcoholic and you really see the difference in that illness um and i get get to do both i work with men in both fellowships um just to recap on what peter was saying um the very very early stages of this book um forward to the first edition forward tothe second edition um andi won't go into the real detail around it but they These people make so much reference to the importance of 12-step work in these very, very early pages. In the foreword to the second edition it makes reference to 12-stepped work half a dozen times. This proved to be that one alcoholic could affect another as no non-alcoholic could. It is also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery. i finally was great with the humility to follow some directions under the guidance of a sponsor peter is my sponsor taught me what was wrong with me in this book guided me through the 12 steps as they're outlined here the spiritual experience took place um and if i don't do anything stupid and god wants me sober in four days i'm going to celebrate four years Now, I have never ever been able to stay sober on my own power or to experience what I've experienced over the last four years on my own power. Ever. I'm pretty rigid about this book and it's the truth. It's the truth so it makes reference to 12 step work an awful lot in the forward to the second edition um it also talks about how the fellowship grew on the basis of the book not on the basis of of open discussion meetings on the basis ofthe book the fellowship rapidly in those very early days is because the program is so effective doctors opinion again emphasizes the importance of 12-step work and you know dr silkworth talks about you know that this physical allergy in that whenever i put alcohol inside my body i drank when i didn't really want to drink but i i drank and as soon as that stuff entered my system it was an absolute relief internally um and i couldn't stop once i started the craving took place i didn'T know the i DIDN'T You know, the phenomenon of craving was taking place when I first took a drink. I just wanted more. I loved the way it made me feel. It says men and women essentially drink for the effect produced by alcohol. Same for the other drugs. You know? As a cocaine addict, this is an open deal here so I will make reference to that. As a coke addict, I do it for the affect produced by it. You know it changes the way I feel and think. and that phenomenon of craving is limited to alcoholism moderate drinkers who can take it or leave it alone hard drinkers do not suffer from the phenomena called craving and siltworth writes it's limited to this class of the real alcoholic also goes on to say that the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight that's what the book says in nearly all cases their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves if they are to recreate their lives. The depth and weight is this. We have an absolute guaranteed spiritual experience waiting for us to take place. I had a spiritual experience very similar to the one described on page 27. I'll read it to you. It says, These spiritual experiences appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the life of these men are suddenly cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. That spiritual experience had taken place within me, and the more I work and rework the steps, the more it happens. Because of the physical allergy I have, I cannot control how much I drink or how much cocaine I use once I start to use it. Other people could drink five or six, stop, go back to work for the afternoon and get on with their jobs without any problem at all drinking with impunity i'd drink three or four with with lunch promise i wasn't going to drink five or six but i'd go back and do the same but you see sometimes i'd be at work thinking about five o'clock when i'm going to be able to drink again these men were thinking about their families um you know going home to their families i'm thinking i can't do that i need to drink couldn't concentrate on my work for the afternoon was absolutely useless in the workplace you know i was just thinking about the next drink um now and that phenomenon of craving developed i'd passed it through the well-known stage of esprit emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again and i'd really mean it i'm not going to do that tomorrow i was useless i didn't make my sales numbers my boss was pissed off with me wasn't able to do this i'm never going to do it again and mean it and i'd better make that decision for a day or two and if you're coming for lunch yeah my kind of a drink okay three days later you know i'd end up you know vomiting blood um in sordid spots with people i should not have been with smoking a crack pipe and i only went out for a few beers with lunch that's what the phenomenon of craving does within me i'm unable to stop once i start why can't i stay stopped why why is it that i am not able if it's so injurious to me and i end up in all of these situations why isit that i can't just stop i have a mind that it talks it talks so specifically about in more about alcoholism i have a mind where a thing comes in called a strange mental blank spot where when i'm faced with the first drink my mind doesn't remember the suffering or the consequences of a week or even a day ago or a month ago when i'M FACED WITH THE FIRST DRINK I'LL MAKE A FIRM RESOLUTION I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK AGAIN I'M Not Going To Do It Not Going to do it here's how and then i'd be drinking again and everybody around me could say well hang on a second if this guy can't control the amount he gets in all of these situations that different debacles that the book talks about why is it he can't stay stopped just don't drink and people were telling me just don t drink for six years while i was drinking but yet i'd come into alcoholics anonymous age 22 and people would tell me the same thing but i can't just not drink if it was a question of just not drinking i'd make a decision stick to it and everything will be okay but i suffer from a thing called estrangement or blank spot a curious mental phenomenon that the book talks about in more about alcoholism in that my mind will convince me that next time i'm going to be able to drink like a normal person next time it's going to be different and then even when i you know crashed my car nearly killed somebody in a drink driving accident even when I you know it was some violence in the home um when i was vomiting blood um i don't remember that stuff and it's alcoholism is a form of mental insanity and i suffer from that and i'm unable to stay away from it um that's the mental piece with the physical piece um physical allergy i can't control the amount I drink once I start. I can't guarantee you how much I'm going to drink. My mind will tell me that I can guarantee you how much i'm gonna drink, but I can not stay away from it. Lack of choice. I've lost the power of choice in drink and it says so in italics on page 24. I cannot just not drink. What I needed to have was what it talks about in the doctor's opinion there. The message of depth and weight a deep and effective spiritual experience that removed the way i thought changed the way I thought and emotionally rearranged me inside because if I don't get emotionally rearranged inside I am not going to be able to sit comfortably and live comfortably in this world and after a while left unattended in that condition which I have I have been in that condition, five years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will drink again. Because it becomes so uncomfortable in my own skin, I've got to treat that. Straight to the alcohol. Once I start doing the alcohol, straight to the cocaine. Can't drink too much without doing cocaine towards the end. Had to score cocaine when I was drinking. Never going to do that again. Back to the alcoholic. Don't want to drink again because I end up doing cocaine so what do i do i'll just do cocaine boom one to the other both of them i've lost the power of choice over the other stuff given sufficient reason i could stop didn't like the way it made me feel didn't want it but the effect produced by both of those chemicals i love but can't stay away from it now that condition as peter talked about and i've just mentioned the physical allergy along with the mental obsession that is a progressive fatal condition and it will kill us if left unattended without the deep and effective spiritual experience produced by the 12 steps that would kill us and it nearly did me at the age of 22 when I attempted suicide didn't know what to do tried every imaginable ways of getting sober at the edge of 22 I attempted suicide wasn't a cry for help wanted to die wanted to and then that was the condition that nearly killed me again 5 years into Alcoholics Anonymous just not drinking going to meetings 90 meetings in 90 days well I feel like this today well just go and read a page of Living Sober or read page 449 read acceptance everything will be all right internal condition started eating me alive again I needed to have deep and effective spiritual experience I haven't had the desire to drink or I haven'T had the desire to take cocaine for nearly four years and as a result of that my life has got progressively better i have access to and belief in a power greater than myself through working the 12 steps of alcoholics so much you know we can say about that um can i just go back to page 23 it says on top of page 23 therefore the main problem the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than his body and it says that if you ask him why he started on his last bend of the chances he will offer any one of a hundred alibis, sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility somebody once told me when an alcoholic is drinking it's like asking a fish why he lives in water he can come up with some ideas but really he doesn't really know, I didn't really know I had lots of excuses and it says down here once in a while he may tell the truth and the truth strange to say usually has no more idea about why he took the first drink than you have but I like that line once in awhile he may tell the truth my old sponsor used to say how do you know when a newcomer is lying his mouth is moving I didn't know I was a pathological liar I've got a persistent lie now I know you're talking to me, I say oh yeah I know oh no I don't it's part of my make up it's a part of my autopilot because I lie that's what I did all my life and it says here I had this obsession there is an obsession that somehow, someday he will beat the game now if I start these steps with that idea that one day somehow I may beat the game I haven't admitted I'm powerless. You see the step one for me, step one has to be complete surrender it has to been complete acceptance like a diabetic accepts that they can't have sugar I'm an alcoholic, I cannot take alcohol in any form the book says, the book's really good about this, when it talks more about alcoholism, just before we go on just to finish off with this there is a solution the bit in italics on page 24 and everything written in italic I was once told was very very important they're trying to make a point and on page 24 in italics it says the fact that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure I don't need to explain the reason I just have to accept it, I've lost the power of choice over drink I've heard people say in meetings I choose not to drink today, I can't do that, if I could do that I wouldn't be here today I would be out having a life I'm having a live today because I do this, this is lovely I'm not saying that but do you know what I mean do you see what I'm saying I wouldn't come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I mean I listen to my story it's sad it's a story of obsession and darkness and I wouldn'T want to do that our so called willpower becomes practically non-existent we are unable at certain times to bring into consciousness with sufficient force the memory of suffering an emulation of a week or a month ago we are without defense against the first drink I got sober in December 11th 1981 and on a regular basis I ask myself am I an alcoholic? I go back to step one and say am I without defense against the First Drink? Am I powerless over alcohol? Do I really think I'm still an alcoholic sometimes it makes me feel quite frightened that I can do that and immediately comes into mind I really believe I am the idea that someday this goes back more about alcoholism the idea is someday we'll control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession that's the great possession control and then joy when I was controlling I wasn't enjoying I could control my drinking for a while but I didn't enjoy it if I was enjoying that I wasn't controlling it the persistence of this illusion is astonishing many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death I pursued it to the gates OF insanity, I pursued IT to the edge OF death I was a practicing alcoholic and a practicing suicide I never learned how to drink but I was getting better at killing myself I nearly succeeded I nearly succeeded, I had three goes I very nearly succeeded now this is it, we learn we fully concede, fully concede to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic fully conceded to my innermOST self I have a body that doesn't do alcohol period but I tell, it says here the delusion now delusion is inside me illusion is outside of me delusion is in here that we are like other people presently or presently maybe has to be smashed it means smashed broken into little pieces this book is actually very very strong in the words they use and it's it was written um with consultate it was a group effort um bill you wrote wrote a page and sent the pages off to be looked at by the other people in the fellowship and they can make corrections and send it back and it's a group effort this is made on group conscience and it is based on their on their experience they say in here we don't like to pronounce anyone alcoholic though my first sponsor said the guy at 12 Step Me he said well you drink like an alcoholic you look like an alcoholic you're thrown up like an alcoolic in your case you're probably an alcoholic but it says here as an individual alcoholic you can best you can quickly diagnose yourself step over to Nia's bar room and try some controlled drinking try to drink and stop abruptly, now I get accused sometimes in the rooms of saying this in the rooms and people say well you're telling people to go out and drink if you've got a doubt yeah go, if you're not done go get done serious, go get done because it says in here there is a solution but none of us like it and you've got to be ready to grab this like a drowning person because that's the only way it's going to work and if you ain't done, go get done because if you're not done you will go and do it again somewhere down the line it doesn't matter how much step work you do you're going to go get drunk again because you have a lurking notion that you presently can be like other people and it says try it more than once and what that is it's something called the Marty Mann test Marty Mann was the first woman who stayed sober in Alcoholics Anonymous long term and the Marty Mann test was take two drinks just two no more no less but take two drinks every day at lunch time for six months and if you don't get drunk you're probably not an alcoholic you can't save them up till the end of the week my head says that immediately oh I won't drink for three or four days and I'm all at once I know I'm an alcoholic the moment I think like that the idea of having two drinks at lunchtime every day for a month or even a week I know I can't do it I know I can so even the idea of that is that I'm a real alcoholic what sort of thinking I'm mystified I came to Archaelikes Anonymous mystified about what was wrong with me until somebody explained to me that I have an allergy of the body and this mental obsession this mental twist that says at certain times I really cannot recall what it was like and I need a solution and our second step says that we came to believe if I have admitted I'm powerless in the depth of my core of my being I am powerless, if I put alcohol into me I know my body reacts when it says allergy it's abnormal reaction I have an abnormal reaction it's based on the function of my liver and pancreas the more the more I drink the more my liver and pancreates become damaged the less well it metabolises alcohol age does the same thing I know that If I drank now, I would be worse than before because my metabolism doesn't work as well as it did when I was 34, when I actually quit. So even though the damage is still going on. But it says here, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Oh, I'm insane. It actually says I'm sane. Yes, I am. I suffer from a subtle insanity. The subtle insanity that says real isn't real. it's a delusion I'm delusional I've got a delusione that someday I might be able to drink like other people now I can't fix my mind with a mind that's broken my way of thinking is broken now if I could go I used to go see psychiatrists and stuff because I had no idea what was wrong with me I usedと say I was depressed and I had depression explained to me by a psychiatrist one time when i'm sober he said depression clinical depression happens suddenly usually with an identifiable cause suddenly yeah and it might be a good thing it might be a bad thing it Might be a marriage it might Be a death it Might Be something but afterwards it it happens, depression when did yours start? do you know I couldn't tell him I suffered from terminal discontent nothing was ever any good and I used to walk around a couple of drinks was cool a couple more, it was no good anymore so I'm suffering from this mind that will tell me i can drink so i but i can't go in there with my thinking and fix my thinking because my thinking will tell me that it's all okay so i've got a bit of a problem here i need a power and i need the power and it's in capitals i need to power greater than myself well i was brought up a catholic i was um when i heard that i went oh i know where this is going not sure I want any of that but Billy, bless him said to me we're going to talk about God and he said there's two things you need to know about God one of them there is one and the other one it isn't you and it says that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves I need this quickly how quickly can I come to believe I've got a mind that's going to tell me I'm going to drink I've go the mind that is going to tell me in two or three days I'm gonna be irritable, restless and discontent without a drink if I don't drink if I come into meetings and just don't drink my disease what's wrong with me starts to really grab hold of me a week without a drink and I'm really there I am very irritable I am very discontent I'm very miserable so I need this quickly and these three steps these first three steps go together these first three steps go together admitted palace over alcohol obvious it was obvious once I came to it one night I cried out God help me I can't do this no more I'm going to die and I believe I was given enough time this period of grace to start working this stuff power greater than me restored me to sanity the very next day that I did that I didn't drink and it was the first time in like 5 years I didnít drink, I had 24 hours without a drink it wasnít me I didníd want to drink for 6 months before that and I drank every day it wasn't me, I asked, something came something gave me the power not to drink for one day and Billy came in and said ok you need a power greater than yourself you need to be restored to sanity so it's saying that I'm insane it says on chapter 5 it says half measures availed us nothing I can't do step 1 as a half measure I can do step 1 as half measure and say I omitted over alcohol but I might still be able to manage some of my life I can put a butt in that dash but God can have my alcoholism but I'll look after the relationships and the money and all the other stuff yeah but if my thinking puts me in the position where I drink or tells me that I can drink even though all the evidence says that I can't, then I can't trust that my mind is making really beautiful decisions about the rest of my life you know I was a my decisions based on what my mind was telling me turned me from a sea captain into a panel beater and not a very good one at that I'm not saying anything wrong with panel beating but you should have seen my workshop it was a hole in the wall garage in a back street and nobody used to come see me I'd sit there drink all day and I had alcohol hidden everywhere in that place no more than about 6 feet away from me 2 metres away from you I even hid it in a bottle that you top batteries up with the battery you go into a garage and it's got that plastic thing on the top that was full of vodka it wasn't distilled water it's crazy stuff no one else knew Ivan's hiding it from me ridiculous, that's a delusion and in order to get what the first three steps do the first few steps put together what's wrong with me where I can get a solution and a decision to access that power now in we agnostics some folks say oh I don't know I've got a problem about God well I had a problem about God I had this God that the nuns and the brothers had told me about he sounded like an angry dude to me he sounded like he was out to get me if I didn't do it absolutely correct he was at to get my and I didn' want that kind of God but what it says it asks me I have to find something that makes sense to me, a power that makes sense to me what kind of power would i want what kind of power will i like and i'd like i'd like something something that was going to wrap me up in a in a blanket occasionally i want the kind of god that's going to give me cuddles i want the kind of god that's going to hold me i want the kind of god that's going to lift me up i want the kind of power that's going to guide me i want the kind of power that's never going to leave and is always is going to be unconditional, unconditional love. It isn't after revenge, it isn't going to whip my ass for doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing or not supposed to being doing and even if I eat meat on Fridays, it ain't a problem. And so I can have any God I wanted. Billy says to me, you can have anything you want. We're not going to tell you what you need but you need something because right now on your own power you're done, you have no power. and I could see that one piece of clarity I could see on that particular day that I had absolutely no power and in Bill's story on page I think it's page 18 no it isn't can't be it says here that Ebby Thatcher was a guy who used to go play with Bill he used to play a lot he used do a lot of stuff some adventures and he came to visit Bill, Bill was drinking and Bill had actually taken his first step drunk Bill had taken his first step in a, and this is the other deal, is you can take these first three steps drunk, I believe Bill took his first stop it's on page 8, he was in hospital he overheard the doctor talking to Lois his wife, and saying that this guy is going to end up in a sane asylum or dead and he said no words can tell the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self pity step one is about self pity I'm done quicksand stretched around me in all directions I had met my match, I was overwhelmed alcohol was my master step one, at least the first half of it this is six months or so before he actually quit drinking he knows he's had it, he knows what his problem is Ebby comes to see him Ebby goes to the Oxford groups at the time which is where we come from which is another deal and he comes in and he says he bounces in full of joys of spring Bill's drinking bathtub gin thinking they're going to have a party he bounces it and says I got God I got religion and Bill goes oh but he said my friend sat before me he made the point blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself maybe he was as bad an alcoholic as Bill was his human will failed doctors had pronounced him incurable society was about to lock him up yep, they were about to knock him away he'd done some odd stuff like myself, he admitted complete defeat well, Bill had admitted complete defeat six months before in hospital, the first time he'd gone in then he had in effect been raised from the dead suddenly not slowly suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level better level of life better than the best he'd ever known had this power originated in him, obviously it had not for there'd be no more power in him than there was in me at that minute and that was none at all so Bill's getting the powerlessness of his step one and they had this long argument I mean there's a long drunken argument described in pages 11 and 12 and it says why don't you choose eventually Ebi got fed up with it and I reckon this is one of the best things in the book that he just got fed up and said look Bill I'm not going to argue anymore why don'T you choose your own conception of God and it's in there it's an italics it's very important and we carry that now why DON'T you choose your own conception of god but we've got to have it because I'm powerless I've got to have this power I'm powerless and that power has to make sense to me because it comes step three I'm going to hand everything to that power because step three says before I get there in where agnostics it says there's only one question about God is either God is or he isn't what was our answer to be it's only yes or no if it's no I can't go any further if it' s no I go drink again if it is yes then I can go towards step 3 and step 3 says made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him now I don't understand God and I certainly didn't when I did step three the decision I'm going to do I'm making here is the decision to continue the steps because I've got no idea of how to pick up my life and hand it to God right now, something that I've only just even beginning to get an idea of I make a decision now in step three to continue doing the steps because what the steps do I've found is they strip away all my objections, they strip away all my ego, they trip away all the things that are blocking me from the understanding of that power that I need in my life I'm working on step three hang on a minute I'm workin' on step two I don't see any work involved here I either is or I isn't alcoholic God either is or he isn't and if I'm truly powerless I need a power do I make the decision to carry on with the steps or do I go drink again am I still in that delusion I go drinking if I am really really ready if I have really conceded then I go for it and i can i can do that i say okay i'll do the next i'll continue i'll continue do you want to continue thanks i won't keep you too long on this stuff i just want to cover a few things in more about alcoholism and some second and third step stuff but it should be done pretty quickly since we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were real alcoholics this is the first step in recovery now i could admit and accept all day long but it took me a while to fully concede now admitting and accepting for me is coming from my own mind and i could see point blank i could not touch the stuff but trouble is i couldn't not touchthe stuff right now the second part of step one that peter mentioned um so clearly there was, yes, I am absolutely powerless over alcohol and the other stuff and the cocaine. But I can't stay away from it. I can't not do it. And when I do do it, I cannot control the amount I do once I start or the amount I drink once I stop. I am not like normal drinkers, moderate drinkers or hard drinkers. I had to fully concede. Now, I had to fully concede my first step experience um came around the second part of that that first step um i was i had relapsed for the fifth time again um you know i was due if i'd have stayed sober that year i picked up a sixth one-year chip if i would have ever done it but i don't think i made it because at that time i was really considering suicide again but my first step experience came and it was an internal gut wrenching. And I was three months back in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd met Peter at the time, and I was underneath my sofa in my apartment, in a fetus position, crying my eyes out. Hadn't had a drink, hadn't taken any cocaine but i was three months dry bone powder dry trying to manage my own life and i was in the fetus position underneath my sofa uh literally howling crying like a wolf um from from the inside and i was 30 000 euros overdrawn again girlfriend had gone again and i Was just on my way to live in a shed at the bottom of my boss's garden and i knew that for the first time in my life that alcoholism whether i was drinking or using or dry was going to kill me and i knew for that time that i could not do this anymore right couldn't do the stuff but i couldn't manage my own life because everything i tried to to run my own life with was purely based on self i was selfish and self-centered to the extreme and i wanted what i wanted and i was going to get it and everything i ever wanted disappeared from me anyway and i was left what's the point what is the point in living and at that moment then let me tell you i became very willing to believe in a power greater than myself it says there must be no lurking notion lurking motion i'll tell you what that it means a plan if you've got a plan that you think that you can do this after a period of time you just need to look at the example about about our man here who drank for a period of time he made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired he He would not touch another drop. Conditional sobriety. I'm going to do this, I'm going to stop drinking for this but after that I'm gonna drink. Now, that's not fully conceding. He didn't fully concede. There was a lurking notion because he had the plan. He had the planned that he was going to be successful in business and then he drank. Didn't work. Drank for a while gathering all these forces couldn't stop. Four years later he was dead that's a lurking notion the book says it again um also goes on to talk about jim the car salesman um you know and again i'll just quickly look at this everything on the outside is fine good sales guy lovely family lucrative automobile agency commendable world war record you know but he's alcoholic now On leaving the asylum, Jim came into contact with Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics' Anonymous told him what they knew of alcoholism and the answer. Spoke to them about the physical allergy, the mental obsession, that's the knowledge on alcoholism, the condition, and the answer. The answer is God and the 12 steps. He made a beginning, his family was reassembled. And he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking. I have a pretty good idea that maybe this guy got to the ninth step if his family were reassembled and if he got a job back i believe he got tothe ninth step okay all went well for a time but he failed to enlarge spiritual life and bill wilson writes on page 14 and 15 of his story if an alcoholic fails to imperfect and enlarge his spiritual life how do we do that through work and self-sacrifice for others he would not survive the certain low spots ahead he would surely drink again and what Bill's saying there is that once I've had this spiritual experience I must work with others if I'm going to stay sober if I're going to achieve permanent recovery like the forward to the second edition says and I'm pretty big on this 12 step stuff I get to work with a lot of people we're going spend an hour and a half on it tomorrow nothing much I'd rather talk about more than 12 step work but that's for tomorrow but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life he got to the ninth step amends the external world got better didn't work with others continued to keep drinking on each of these occasions Alcoholics Anonymous worked with him he's gone to them for help what they didn't say is I'm too busy to sponsor you can't sponsor you on each of these occasions half a dozen times he got drunk half a thousand times AlcoholicsAnonymous worked with them yeah What they didn't say is, oh he obviously just didn't want to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Good job they didn's say that, he'd probably be dead. And each of these occasions we work with him. Now that's the type of Alcoholics Anonymous that I am part of today. That's the kind of fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous we're part of. Each of these occasion they work with them. He agreed he was a real alcoholic so they continued to re-qualify him. He knew, he faced another trip to the asylum, got drunk again. Self knowledge avails us nothing. You know, that was Jim. AA worked with him consistently and they continued to work with him, continued to explain the knowledge of how powerless he was and the answer that they had found in the second step and third step. Also gives the example of Fred as well. Everything's fine. this guy didn't want what a.a had to offer on those occasions um he was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms but he was a long way from admitting he could do nothing about it himself hadn't fully conceding see if you don't if i hadn't have fully concedes i would have not have become willing on this subject of god and the 12 steps but my motivation was death drunk or sober and my experience was trying every imaginable remedy nothing else working let me tell you that morning when i rang peter on the floor of my apartment i was very very willing to believe there was a power greater than myself um again you know aa worked with fred they cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen war stories on a 12-step call then same visit they outlined a spiritual answer and program of action which is god in the 12 steps which a hundred of them had followed first 100 and it says at the bottom here they said he's had a first step experience now he's willing to believe and it's as quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems plural and that's been my experience see when i just when i don't drink and i'm managing my own life i have a lot of problems and i can see the second part of that first step the spiritual answer to solve all my problems and again at the bottom here just before i go on to the second and third step stuff it says once more the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink except in few rare cases neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense his defense must come from a higher power and i needed to access a god that was bigger than the aa meeting because the aa meeting for me is human power i neededto access power that was bigger than a sponsor because sponsors human poweri needed toaccesspowerthatwasbiggerthanatreatmentcenter because a treatment center is humanpowerand i neededtogetbeyondthat i have experience of making the group of my higher power and i did everything those that what was told was what do i do what power do i choose make it the group okay makes sense i don't know you see so i'm going to go with what you're going to tell me make it a group but what the information was given in the group was not the clear-cut directions on how to have a spiritual experience the information was what was given from a group was read a page of living sober read page 449 acceptance have a bath 90 meetings 90 days all of this stuff which is probably great if you're a moderate or hard drinker but not for a real alcoholic and i need to access power that was beyond human and then it goes into weird gnostics there's the qualifier there on if you want honestly want to you can't quit entirely or if you when drinking you have little control over the amount you take you're probably alcoholic there's the qualifier can you control it can you stay stopped no suffering from illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer but after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life or else lack of power is our dilemma sole object to the book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem um and then just around the second step stuff it was really quite simple for me i was told to open up page 47 and it said do you do you believe or am i now willing to believe there's a power greater than myself well i don't believe but i am willing to believe you know i've been beaten into a state of reasonableness drunk or sober alcoholism is going to kill me i'm willing says as soon as a man can say that he does believe or he's willing to believe we emphatically assure him he's on his way if the answer is no then with the most love and tolerance i can muster then you need to go and get desperate and you need to go back down to the crack house and you need to don't drink to get desperate and then come back and then i guarantee you that's what i did and i became willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself willingness i didn't understand what willingness meant it meant readiness i've got a big book dictionary here on the inside cover of my big book and it means readiness i was ready i was going to die drunk or sober i'm willing to believe didn't matter on what i knew or understood and i had absolutely no um no concept of god i'd shut the whole idea out very very very early on in my childhood but what was explained to me is that this willingness will carry me through to do the work and i'll get to a spot within the 12 steps where that willingness will become knowing and i will then experience the change as a result of accessing that power that will solve my problem will remove the obsession to drink will change me internally and emotionally rearrange me then i'll come to know i was ready to do that weird gnostics goes on um it gives us some hope around lots of different people who have come to believe in a power greater than themselves take a certain attitude to that power that they've found a new power peace and happiness this happened soon after they met wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements 12 steps also says on page 51 leaving aside the drink question they tell why living was so unsatisfactory see i stopped drinking and my life doesn't get better i stopped drinking and my internal condition and the voices in my head get louder and worse and i'm still running on self i still want what i want i'm Still making decisions based on self. I'm still coming from a position of making decisions based on fear, selfishness, self-centeredness. I am still dishonest and as a result of that based on self-will my life is unsatisfactory page 52 talks about what i understand to be untreated alcoholism and it explains exactly why just when i'm not drinking my life does doesn't get better it says we were having trouble with personal relationships yep couldn't control our emotional natures yep pray to misery and depression uh-huh couldn't make a living now i could turn up for work and make a live in the trouble is i couldn't manage my money. I had a feeling of uselessness, full of fear, unhappy, couldn't seem to, that was me, sober. That was me dry. Having not had a deep and effective spiritual experience, still running on self, that was my life. And when I saw that paragraph in that book, I answered yep, as I've just done there, to pretty much every one of those. It's interesting today that in some meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous we're going to a meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous and that's what we'll hear shared in the meetings of alcoholics anonymous problems with people's relationships problems with depression problems with jobs filling of uselessness full of fear untreated alcoholism and my experience has been that once I started living on a spiritual basis and work these 12 steps and started living in the practices of 10 11 and 12 all of that went away and i no longer suffer from that page 55 tells us that deep down in every man woman and child is the fundamental idea of god sometimes we had to search fearlessly step four but he was there he was as much as a fact as we were we found the great reality deep down within us it is in the last analysis that it's only there he may be found i've sometimes gone to peter but number of times you know my power is this it's that and he just said well why don't you just look inside and he said what you need to do is clear out four through nine clear it away then you'll get to access that power and that's where that power lives it's in there and i have had a conscious relationship with that power but this attitude cannot fail um going into how it works as well there's a few requirements before we do the third step prayer and I'll just finish on this. The ABCs on page 60 say that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. Probably no human power could have relieved their alcoholism. No human power can treat what's wrong with me. God could and would if he was sore, whatever my understanding of God was. Whatever that is, he can and will if i seek him how do i seek him i clear the way the wreckage of the past in four through nine work out some daily inventory some prayer meditation in 11 and i go and work with others that's how i seek that power on a daily basis few requirements i've got to stop playing god i'm trying to access god i need to stop paying god playing god is running my life on self-will. I think I know what's best for me, for you and for them. And I was the actor. I was the actor. The show doesn't come off very well, begins to think life doesn't treat him right. Self-pity. It's always them. I'm blaming everybody because people weren't doing what I wanted them to do when I wanted to do it and that's why I drank and it was always your fault never me no i had to quit playing god and it says this is how this is how and why we do it and it gives us some examples on how we do it also says on page 62 selfishness self-centeredness is the root of the trouble doesn't say alcohol doesn't say the cocaine is the route of the trouble selfishness and self-centredness is the root of the trouble above everything we must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us it's selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my trouble today it was back then and it and it is today if i'm not watching for it in 10 and doing the stuff in 11 and 12 it will come back and it says god makes that possible and there seems often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid we had to have god's help we're going to do the third step prayer there's some promises before we do that and the third step prayer is you know I understand that to be a contract with this power I for myself today don't know who he is where he is or what he is yet has given me an idea but I'm asking this power to build with me and to do with me as though I will relieve me of the bondage of self believe me of your God but relieve me of the bondage yourself that I may better do thy will take away my difficulties god why so i can sit on the beach in the south of france and get suntanned and work my way up the career ladder no no that victory over there may bear witness to those i would help and that's my marching orders in the third step to go work with others finish this work and go work with others i think we're just about on time i'm about a minute over time so uh we're going to go into the fourth and fifth step in the next session so we'll leave it there thanks