The First Three Steps and Spiritual Awakening – Step 3 – Part 2 of 2 – Kip C.

My name is Hatsi. I'm an alcoholic. so we talked the first week about the first step we talked about the second step today is the third step as i when i started out this series i started explaining how the steps are laid out and the first three steps are preparatory they lay the groundwork for what we need to do they lay the groundwater of how we're going to approach the work in the program the work is not done in the first three steps. The work is done in step four through nine. But the first three steps tell us what we need to have before we can even attempt to work on ourselves. And the easy and quick way to understand what the first three steps are about is to look at the principles. Principle of the first step is honesty. Principle of the second step is hope. Principle of the third step is faith. So we need hope, honesty and faith in order to be able to do the work that should give us a life better than we've ever had before. And if we stay clean and sober and we follow the simple suggestions that are given to us in this program and we do the word to the best of our knowledge to the rest of our ability our life will change. That's a guarantee. It will change how it will change I can't tell you, but that it will change is a given. I can tell you this. My life has changed to an extent that I never thought was possible. Things have happened and are happening in my life that I didn't think could happen in a life like mine. I recall myself. I look back on my past, and I see a loser. I see an addict. I see An alcoholic. I see A guy who loved getting high or loved getting drunk, who failed at everything else. I like to lie. I was a good thief. I was good at all that stuff. But what I was not good at, I see myself do something right. Aside from scoring, drinking, taking your money, getting high, getting drunk, getting in trouble and getting out of trouble. Beginning of this month, I celebrated 40 years since I went into Phoenix House. 40 years. 1973. October 2nd, 1973. all my life has been in the activity of either trying to get high or drunk or trying not to that's what it's been about all the other stuff that happened in between is showbiz all the others all the stuff is given it's given to me either was good or bad according to how I acted to it it's being given to be as a side show what really matters is how I manage my life and how I was able to look at myself and do things better than I did them yesterday. When I ended up in AA, it was not because I wanted to go to AA. I've known about AA since the early 70s. I didn't want to go to AA I didn' t want to sober up I didn�t want to stop drinking and using I certainly didn� t want to get a sponsor I didn �t want to learn about the steps I didn �t want to have a higher power or whatever I wanted to call it. I didn't want to be honest. I didn' t want any of this. I certainly didn' T want to have sponsors calling me every day asking me what to do. I wanted none of it. But I had no option. I didn'' T know what else to do . I had been to Phoenix House for three and a half years. The day I came out of Phoenix House, I was clean and sober. I was 26 years old. And I drank that day. Got high. After the most intensive program I can imagine I had no option I didn't know where to go the final step for me the moment of clarity that I gained which was my spiritual awakening was finding myself waking up out of a blackout with a .357 in my mouth with the hammer pulled and my finger on the trigger this is a gun I'd had for a long time and I've used that gun on the range and the moment I pulled the hammer back and I touch the trigger, it goes off. And I touch the trigger. And I think of this today and my hair stands up on my arm. Why it didn't go off, I don't know. I was married at the time. I still have a son. I don' t have that wife. But I was married at that time. My wife was in another room in the house. I had no concern about her or my son. But I did get afraid. Fear got to me. All of a sudden I saw what was going to happen. And I realized that my life, after being out of Phoenix House and being clean and sober and trying to make it work and going back out and doing a 12-year run around the world and going absolutely crazy, I may have had some money at that moment, I mayhave had a home, I even mayhave been mayhave a job and a car, but I was ready to kill myself. That's the moment of clarity that I gained, that I saw. That one split second when I realized what was gonna happen and that night I picked up a white sheet and I haven't had to pick up another one since which I'm very grateful for I'd like to take the credit for that but the credit ain't mine the credit is yours and people just like you all over the world the honesty that step 1 talks about is that moment of clarity it's that moment of spiritual awakening It's talked about in the 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. It talks about it as if it is a long-term process that happens in the process of doing all this work. As far as I'm concerned, a spiritual awaking is a flash. It's an insight. It is like a thunderbolt out of the sky. Spiritual awakenings come from above. They're given to us. It's a gift that I either can take advantage of or I don't. It's up to me. The gift is given. It comes from somewhere else. What I do with it becomes, hopefully, a miracle. A miracle does not come from above. A miracle happens between people. It is something that happens in the society that I'm in and changes my lifestyle, my life, my living. It changes my friends. It changes me. It changes all being. It changes everything. That's the miracle of this program. It came as a result of something that came to me from the outside. That moment of awakening, that moment of clarity was my first step. The first step talks about it a little differently. It says, at the wheel even, that we are powerless of alcohol and our life has become unmanageable. It says it in clear terms what my problem is. Then the second step, that's the honesty. There is no question about what the problem is? The second step came to believe that the power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It tells me that I don't have the answers. That I'm insane. I've seen the insanity. But there's an answer. As long as I stop listening to what happens in my head. I can listen to what happened to somebody else's head. You see, the beauty of this program is we're all insane. We're just not all insane at the same time. So it works. I've worked with psychiatrists and psychologists people that went to Harvard, to Yale I mean very learned people they were very very very smart it's you guys that told me where I was at how does that work it's you guys to tell me what to do finally it was another alcoholic another addict who sat down and said you know Hotsy what your problem is whenever you're in problems you're always there that's your problem you're always present when you screw up you're almost there guess what your life is a manageable because of you you're insane because you keep listening to yourself because you think you have the answers we are the smartest people in the world especially among ourselves you hear it alcoholics are the smartest especially us we say that about ourselves a lot But I do believe we're smart. I think, hey, we're the survivors. We're the ones that didn't die. We're not the ones that ended up on the street. We got beat up. We got hurt. We went into institutions, jails. We're The Ones That Got Hurt and Survived. Something to be said about that. Somewhere deep down in our instinct worked for us. But I had to learn a basic truth, which is that I do not have the answers to my problems. Much as I'd like to think that I do, but at 35 years of age, I ended up in AA. That's how smart I was. That was where my thinking brought me. Not that that was a bad spot to be, but it was the only clear thought that I had. Maybe I should go to AA. So, I had been exposed to what I would call my first sense of clarity, that I have a problem with alcohol. I can't afford to put anything in my body. I don't know who ends up, who shows up and I don' t know what's going to happen to the guy. That I don''t have the answer. I d'on't know what the answers are to my problem. Why do we read how it works? Constantly. I've heard it 10,000 times. Why? Because if I stop hearing it, I will tell myself how it works. And I'm not good at that. I'd like to say how it looks and I'd to tell me how it works and involves maybe at the end not going to so many meetings and not to work response is, hey, maybe I can smoke a little reefer. Who knows? Or just a beer. Beer wasn't my problem anyway. I like liquor. That's why I read out words. Because my mind is not good. I'm not sane. I'm still insane. Little by little the insanity gets lifted because I keep doing this. I keep going to meetings. I keep hearing things that make me think differently. I keeps hearing things that make my thought process healthy. Which is what happens here. The magic of a meeting is that we're exposed to a different attitude that we have unless we're left on our own devices. And the different attitude makes me walk out feeling better than the way I walked in. Or it's worse that way, at least it does for me. So we come to the third step. The third step says, make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. And that's a long step. And it's a difficult step, and it's a step that most people stumble over. You hear people that I say, I've been stuck on the third step for eight months now. Nine months. All that means is that they haven't been willing to do the fourth step for seven or eight months. Because the third step is done in a matter of moments. Made a decision is a mental process that takes a second. If I said, I'm making a decision to leave this phone here. Guess what? The decision is made. Or I may change my mind and I make the decision to take the phone with me tonight. It's a decision. It is a mental process that's done on the spur of the moment without much thought. I can do it. It's an mental thing. I can make a decision but then it gets complicated. It says, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Now why? or why do they have to talk about God? So far it was good. I can understand that I can't drink in my life as a man. I understand that I'm insane and that I don't listen to myself but why do I have to talk abut God? I didn't like talking about God. I remember when I went to Phoenix they put me in detox for 10 days in the psychiatric hospital. Those hospitals where you bang on the windows and they never break? They don't. I tried with the chair. They don' t break. It's amazing. They go and then I was okay, okay, okay. In that hospital, they had a tech working there who told me that Phoenix House is bullshit. Don't go to Phoenix House. There's a different program. It's based on Jesus Christ and the love of Jesus Christ and you've got to go through that program. And my mind all screwed up. What am I supposed to do? I have to go here or I have to go there. And I went to Phoenix house because for one simple reason I'd been exposed to Jesus freaks quite a bit and it was always an argument that I lost always not so much that I agreed with them but I just lost the argument and then I offered them some dope and usually the argument would stop but I didn't like Jesus freeks and I didn' t like the whole idea that was behind them so that's why I said no to the Jesus freak program so when I came so when I came into when I came into AA nobody asked me nobody asked me you have to believe in Jesus you have to believe in Allah you have to believe in Vuru you have to believe in Thor Zeus Freya Godan Wodan I said Buddha didn't I say Buddha Buddha Vishnu Krishna none of that happened which I was really happy for because as far as I was concerned my spiritual path stopped when I stopped dropping acid I loved dropping acid and I loved everything to do with it and I saw Jesus and I sold those guys and they were clear in front of my eyes and they said you're a bad boy you're bad boy let's take another one So, spirituality for me was wasted. Don't talk to me about spirituality. So when I came in AA and nobody told me you have to believe in Jesus, I was happy. I was unhappy. They say, can you come back tomorrow and stay clean and sober tonight? Yes. Get a sponsor. Okay, you're it. Good, I've got a sponsor now. Get a sponsored. Don't use or drink between meetings. Okay, I won't. Do a meeting a day. Okay, i will. follow the suggestions within reason okay I did call us okay I came those were the simple things I was asked nothing too hard for this mind it was simple because I needed a simple thing they didn't ask me to change my religion they didn' t ask me to change my view of the world no just these simple things and it worked for me that's all I wanted then they tightened the screw and they told me stop thinking the way you do start listening to what we're doing maybe the solution is somewhere else who knows and then there goes the third step why oh why does it have to be to the care of God as we understood him I objected I had a wise sponsor at the time At the time, I thought he was wise. And he said, first of all, do not be concerned with what the whole third step says. Because the step gains volume, gains wisdom as you gain wisdom. The step changes with time. As far as I'm concerned, it's wasted on early sobriety because it is an excuse not to do the rest. But still, the step has changed over time, the way I look at it. The main thing that he said was, don't worry about turning your will and your life over to the care of God. It is a difficult sentence that nobody can tell you exactly how it's done or how it is not done. Did people talk about taking your will back? What does that mean? It's mine anyway. What are you talking about? Taking your willback. He said just look at it as a decision, which is what it is, to trust this thing. That's it. Trust the process. Can you make a decision to trust that this thing works? And that was a question that actually made sense. The meetings I went to, people picked up 10-year chips, 39-year chips, 29-year chip, 34-year ships. Does this thing work? Absolutely it works. It works for everybody here. It works everybody at the other meetings. All I have to do is look around me. This thing works. can I trust that it works? well, I can trust it works for you but will it work for me? that's a different question and that's where the third step became tricky for me because I had never been asked do you think that this treatment program works for me I was told that it would work for me if I did a couple of things like believe in Jesus or not or if I stayed for three years or if I did other things. Phoenix House was crazy. They shaved my head. They made me jump into rivers in the middle of the winter to come. I mean, that was crazy shit that happened. And I did it. But I was never asked, do you think this thing will work for you? The fact that after three and a half years of being clean and sober, and the day I walked out of Phoenix House, I drank that day, means that I didn't think it worked for me. The moment the supervision was gone, my vigilance was gone. the moment it was gone I was back out thinking it was all right so my sponsor my then wise sponsor David he said do you think this will work for you and I said and I was honest I said I don't know and he acknowledged he says that's an honest answer I can work with that at least it's not no he said can you see that it worked on me And I said, yes, it has worked on you so far. And all I want you to do is what I have done. No more, no less. We will take it one day at a time. And we'll see what happens. The thing one day at a Time is a very Zen kind of thing. Because it kind of tells us that there's no tomorrow, there is no yesterday. There is no hope, there are no regrets. there is no memory, there is no future, there's no past actually the now as we look at it doesn't exist in time because time is denoted in future or past now is here and right now right now there's nothing going on if we all shut up and get quiet you get that glimpse of serenity but that's not what he said that's what I said that's that I said one day at a time gave me the opportunity to at least say I don't have to make the promise this is for the rest of my life it gave me an opportunity to look at my problem and say all I have to do is take care of today. Whatever I may fear, whatever I may look at and whatever comes down the pipe that I dread is not happening right now. It is not. So why fear it? And that was a huge lesson. It allowed me to stand back and quiet down a little bit and look at my life and make a change so that today I can stay clean and sober. Like I've said before, one day at a time gives me the opportunity and it allows me the freedom to say that tomorrow I will use. Tomorrow I will drink. Just not today. But I give myself permission to use tomorrow. That works for me. It works for 25 years. It'll work for me for another 24 hours. I think. There's the steps and there's the traditions. The traditions are designed as a framework within which we can do the steps in safety so that we have an environment within which we can practice the exercises that are laid out in the steps in safety in such a way so that when we are confronted with a similar situation outside and our sponsor or our fellowship or our friends are not there, we know how to deal with it. The corresponding tradition to the third step is a simple one and I like it. It says the only requirement for membership for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. Now the question is does that fit together with the third Step? You know, the thirdstep being made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as you understood Him. If you go back to why this tradition was made is because in the beginning of AA there was no clear requirement of who was going to be part of this group. Every group had their own very stringent rules of who wasn't allowed in. And believe me, women were not part of it. There were only white males in the community. In the beginning. any other group is not allowed. It doesn't matter what you are. They put all together, all the groups, all their beginning groups put together their requirements for AA membership and it was a list that is as long as you can imagine with all tedious lists and if we would all work those requirements none of us would be here. And one of the other main promise was that they expected everybody to be a Christian. To believe in God, to believe in a higher power, to believe in either Jesus or God or whatever and work this problem accordingly. Until a guy showed up who had a problem, aside from drinking and getting drunk and vomiting all over everybody and he sobered up and became very influential in the program. 1934, 35, 36. He became very strong and everybody was happy that he became very strong but they were afraid of him because he had one other problem. He was an atheist. And they tried to throw him out until somebody said, you know what? The scores of people that he has helped, does it matter that he is an atheist or believes different than we do? and the point was made it is not so to make a long story short that's why they changed the third tradition to the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking because this disease touches every every ethnic group every gender every age group in every country in this world there is no exception and to make an exception on membership would not only be wrong it would be cruel it would go against the rules of what we are trying to do so once the third tradition was put in place they realized too that the third step had to correspond to it so whereas the third step says made the decision to turn our life over to the care of God they added as we understood him. If you read the stories in the back of the big book, there's one story about a guy who is actually the guy that is instrumental in making that sentence behind God as he understood him He's the one who put it in there because his understanding of a higher power is different than the rest My understanding of higher power is different from yours just like yours is different to mine and that's fine I have no problem with it Just don't tell me what to do. Right? But that's the beauty of how this thing has evolved. So the third tradition creates the same safety within which we can practice the third step to turn our will over to a higher power as we choose to understand them or choose not to. And a higher Power doesn't have to be a religious thing. It doesn't Have to be spiritual. It can be your sponsor. For me, it was the guy that had two or three months more of sobriety than I had who was bitching and moaning about how difficult it was but he showed up anyway and he didn't pick up the night before. I looked at that guy and I thought, you think I can do that too? You think I could do that? That was my higher power. The practicality of this program changed in time to being spiritual. It's a long process and nobody pushed me and I'm very happy about that. But to come back on the tradition, the tradition that AA membership is the only desire, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. They had to confront a particular thing, a particular thinking, which is intolerance. And intolerance is always born out of fear. intolerance is a way or a specific manner to control people control is always born out of fear fear that if something is going to happen that I can't control it will take away what I feel is worthier, or what I feels is valuable, or what I think is what I believe is worthwhile in my life, or you may take away something from me that's why I become intolerable That's why I become trying to control people around me. Because I'm afraid they're going to take something away from me. Until I am secure about my own life, my own values, my own standing, control is not an issue anymore. And being intolerable is not a problem. It's not an issues anymore. But in the beginning you have to understand when people found the truth of this program, when people found in the 34, 35, 36 when they found the fact that actually there was an answer to a problem that nobody had an answer to our problem when finally there was and answer people were afraid that whoever came in and thought differently was going to take away the strength of the group and if they are going to take away this strength of group they are gonna take away the ability for me to stay clean and sober they were trying to no matter what hold this thing together until they learned The only way you hold it together is by giving it away. Do with it what you like. There are a set of simple traditions and simple steps that we work with. This is the only group, this is the only system in this world that works without leaders. That works without presidents. That works with all of us. It works without vice-presidents. It works with capo de tuti di capis. It works for all leaders. there may be those that have more sobriety than others but that can be changed within an hour so it makes no sense so what we have is an equality where we help each other in such a way that we can have another day of sobrietry and I understand where the fear came from in the beginning there was no answer to this disease so when the answer came by whatever means possible to stop people from changing. And any change, any change that walked in, any change that walked in was a threat. Look how far we've come. Amazing. Amazing. To take a decision, to make a decision is an internal process. It's an internal process that once it's done it changes my mind, it changes my attitude. I've said this before and I'll say it again. There is a certain set of rules, there is a certain rule that determines my behavior. Emotions motivate attitudes. Emotients create attitudes. Attitudes create behavior. Behavior creates emotions. so if I start with negative behavior it creates a negative situation a negative emotion creates a positive attitude and it perpetuates negative behavior it's a cycle that doesn't stop the only way it can be stopped is to cut it anywhere in the circle doesn't matter where, just cut it we do it by the means of starting to think differently by making a decision that maybe that maybe something different may be happening to me in the future than it's happened to all my life. By not worrying about the past not worrying about the future maybe my life can change if I make a decision that actually that change is possible for me. See what time it is. So emotions attitudes behavior my world is ruled by you the way I act is the way you respond if I act like a jerk I'll get it back if I Act Like A Criminal I'll Get It Back If I ActLike A Junkie I'llGetThatBack I Change How I Behave You Will Change Too Maybe Not Exactly You But Other People Will My World Will Change I Change My Attitude And My Behavior Will Change My behavior will change, my world will change And my emotions will change I have different emotions I have certain attitudes I have a different behavior How simple I wish it were that simple As on paper it is But that's how it works That's what we do Through the steps Through the practices And the simple practices of the steps We try to change the way we react to the world So that the world reacts to us differently It seems like we live two different worlds. One inside of me and one outside of me. Why? Because I can divide them. It stops right here. But they're the same. It's just that I can make a distinction between the two. The fact is they're to same. And when one is out of whack, the other one will follow. The lowest denominator always wins. If my life is a mess on the outside, my life on the inside will become a mess. I take dope and alcohol away out of my life, and I start looking well. I start getting color in my face. I may go to the doctor, to the dentist, and get some teeth. And I look good, and my eyes... I mean, all that shit will happen. But if I'm still a mess inside, I will go back to that mess. That's why people stop at the third step. They go out. Because their work is done after the third steps. The third step is like first and the second step, a preparatory step so that you learn how to deal with life on life's terms without having to hurt yourself or anybody next to you. That's the trick. The Buddhists have a very simple and clear rule that I like. I try I live my life by not hurting or saying anything that may hurt another being. That's it. Very simple. I like that. It doesn't get it complicated. I could say it ten times and then it's ten commandments, but it's just one. So the preparation that we do in step one, two, and three is preparation for the work. For the work that's going to happen, we're going to start next week, we'll start talking about it. And what has to happen is that now that we understand that honesty is a big part of it, that there is a solution to our problem and that we have to have some faith for that solution to actually happen. Then the next steps we're going to talk about what's happening inside of us because our life outside of us has gone up already because we took away the poison, we took way the physical insanity now we're trying to get the internal insanity come up to our outside. And we're gonna to talk about what happens in the fourth and the fifth step, which deals with shame. We're going to talk abut six and seven, which deal with our ability to deal with a higher power than we talked about today. We are going to talking about guilt in eight and nine. We are going talk about how do we find peace with ourselves? Men and women are made differently, only physically, but mentally, the way they think. The way they approach things. And I believe that women reach meditation through love. Whereas men reach love through meditation. They both reach the same thing, but in different ways. Which is why sometimes when a man talks to a woman that makes no sense and vice versa because we're coming from different fields, different ideas different approaches different ways of getting to the same goal though, same goal but a different road that's not to say that this program is set up differently for different genders it is not, it's just that the approach is done in a specific way which is why it is important that I have a sponsor that is a male and my sponsees are males. Apart from the fact that there is no sexual innuendo going on, apart from that fact, it is important that I deal with somebody who knows my BS, who knows how I can bullshit things, who knows what I'm doing, who knows who's done the same things, and the same with women. So, So, step one, two, and three are instructions. They are instructions of how to deal with the program. And it's not necessarily always explained that way. You go to beginner groups and it talks about step one. Step one, three, and how it's as a whole. They are the instruction booklet of how we're going to approach this thing. How are we going to approach the fact that we have to change the way we have to look at the world and how the world looks at us? How are you going to how am I going to deal with the stuff that happened to me when I was a kid? Stuff happened to me at home that should not have happened to kids. It shouldn't have, but it did. And I can blame my parents for it and I can blam those that hurt me for it or what I want. It makes no difference. I still am the one who has to change it. I can blame my mother. Sure, I can. But who cares? To what effect? She's not here to change it. And even if she was, she couldn't. I am the one who's going to have to change my life. I am that person. I am going to be the one who's gonna have to deal with what happened to me and come up with the answers and say from now on my life is not going to beat the subject of what happened then. I'm going to stop being the victim. I'm gonna start to be the solution. I'm gong to be the cause of my life instead of the victim of my life. I loved being the victim of my wife. Because as long as I'm a victim, I don't have to come up with the answers. If I'm the victim, I was wronged. Hallelujah! I was wronged and it was your fault. Well that's an attitude. That's an gratitude that says what's wrong with me is your fault we're going to talk about that in the fourth step. That's called a resentment. I had a huge resentment to my mother. She did stuff that she shouldn't have done to the little kid. Whatever, she did stuff she shouldn' t have done. And I had a huge resentment. And when she died in 1987, I was relieved. She's gone. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I thought. So this whole thing that we're doing here, these first three steps, are the preparation for us to be able to deal with our past so that our past does not deal with us any longer. It dealt with me constantly. It influenced how I had a relationship with another woman. It influenced me of how I am out of time just about. I see you sitting forward. I am out OF TIME in a couple of minutes so I'll make this short. The whole idea of the third step is to make a decision within the framework of Alcoholics Anonymous, within the safety of that the only thing you have to want is to be part of us. You don't even have to sober up. You just have to one it. Within that process, I have the freedom to ask, please, does this thing work for me? Well, I believe it does. And the moment I said, I think this thing can work for me, I found my treatment. I had no more excuses the honesty of the first step worked the hope of the second step came to fruition and I got the faith that perhaps there's a future for me and my God, there is so thank you very much Thanks for listening