The Fifth Step – Big Book – Tim – Workshop – Neptune, NJ – Part 13 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

I can't believe all you people are still coming, that's great. I must be saying something right now or you got nothing better to do so I have this great story because I think we overlook as a society in AA we overlook hope we're supposed to share our experience, strength and hope and as a recovered alcoholic I need to constantly make sure I'm sharing hope with you people and congratulations 90 days, I love 90 days where is he? He's hiding back there. You know, it comes after 90 days, right? 91 days, that's right. Because we all get to say that once we have it. So make sure you say it to somebody, you know. So bless you. So last Tuesday, I don't remember how cold it was last week. So last, last Tuesday after my home group, I had my car running and it's, you now, sitting there getting warm and all of a sudden it just conks out. I'm like, oh, this is going to be fun. so I started up and I get it moving you know, it's just it's moving but it's like I can run faster this is just awful so it breaks down now, this is the absolute truth that I'm about to tell you this is no like, hey let me give you a nice story you know for the 700 clubbers none of that this is the truth what went through my head after, oh shit was, how am I going to get to Nyack on Monday? That's what went through my head. And I can promise you I would never have thought that when I was drinking. It would have been how am we going to go to the bar and just all that garbage going on. So I'm like, alright, well hopefully so the next day I'm like, I get a ride home and I had my van and I was like So I'm driving my van at 6 o'clock in the morning to go take care of my car. The van breaks down, right? So I am like, really? You are kidding me, right. The car and the van are a day apart. I am going, oh, my God. So I was able to get the van back home. So I get the car towed, and that is it. And I am, like, what is going to happen here? So my brother-in-law, he is an mechanic, and he comes over, and he is like, nope, that is dead, right, And the van was like, you know, we could put work into it, but it's got 356,000 miles on it. It's not worth it. You know, like put a Band-Aid on the front of it and we're all right. So now I'm like, all right, so now what are we going to do? So now we've got to do the next things, right? Now I have to start thinking about, all Right, well, can I get any money for the car? This is sort of it. So I call these places and I get some money for my car, for the cart and the van. So they come. So now they've got a go online and I'm looking for used cars. you know like that's a nightmare you know what I mean like I started like I answered an ad this is no joke I answered the ad and it looked good it was I said how much are you asking uh you know the guy said there's no transmission and there's not no engine and I want $4,000 for it I'm not making that up I could really $4.000 for a shell you know like my name is Flintstone you know so this car and nothing feels right you know like you know you gotta feel a car you know a car's gotta fit right around your butt you know it's gotta it's you know it's like like a lover the car's gotta feel right nothing's going on so I tell my brother I said listen call the guy the mechanic he's got a car he wants $3,000 give him this see if I can so he calls him and he starts talking about this car he's like no no you don't want that he says I got a Mercedes I'm thinking a Mercedes I can't afford a Mercedes and he said yeah no it's this and that and he tells me it's $1,500 I said does it move? He's like yeah there's nothing wrong with it I said how many miles on it 143,000 I said what? I said does the heat work? Yeah Does the air conditioning work? Yeah I said I'll be there in an hour I couldn't believe $1.500 for this Mercedes now I've never you know I'm never oh I gotta drive a Mercedes but I know mechanically how good Mercedes are, right? I know in 2024 I'm still going to have this car. So I go and I pay for this car and I register it and I switch the insurance over from the dead car. And as I switch the insurance over, I get a text on my phone. Hey, can you work on Tuesday? Actually, can You Work on Monday and Tuesday? So I get this new car and I get called for work. I'm like, really? This is like... All because I always talk about this. The car and the van were God's. They belonged to God. They were just on loan to me. And God said, all right, enough. You've been doing some good work for a while. Here, have this car. So on the way up here, I'm driving this car, I'm having a cup of tea. I'm like, I can't believe this is the car that I'm riding. And I finally get it. I'm Like, oh, I understand the Mercedes now because I'm Driving the thing. And I'm like, the gratitude that I have that God said, you know what? You've been doing my work for a long time now. Here's something to do my work in. Keep doing my works. Right? Because that's what went through my head. I was like, I can't believe this is what's, you Know, I'm a 43-year-old man and I'm like a 16-year old kid. Like, I got that. We're crazy. But it's just the gratitude of struggling. Okay? You know, because a lot of times, you know, I've never been a big material guy ever. You know? Because to me, this whole process in life isn't about material. It's about the type of man that I've become. It's not being F and 10 anymore. You know what I mean? It's, it's, it's about being a servant of God and using myself as the example that I have. Because that's all I have! I'm the best example I have of this work. so you know I'm going through this and for better or for worse the world doesn't really look at people that way okay I could say that I'm sober almost 22 years and doing this deal and living a God life and trying to help other people and people are going to say well what does he drive and where does he live and those types of things so God went you know what you've been doing that for a while now he gave me something where people could say you know I want what he has he drives a Mercedes and he's sober right so it becomes this thing of like wow now there's some hope because you know I was talking to my friend on the way up and we were talking about our experiences of those cars you know where two hubcaps are missing you know and it's kind of like clomping along it's leaking oil all those things you know oh the oil right it's just awful you know and you're just thinking like you know you feel grateful because at least you're driving a car but then there's always those guys who are like getting rides or riding a bicycle talking about your car and you feel bad but you're like, you don't even have a license and you're talking about my car but that whole thing and it just becomes one less thing that I have to actually focus on in order to be able to do what I do I don't have to worry about is my car going to break down on the way to Nyack I don' t have to worried about that for a long time now because I could literally just get in and go and that is something that God gave me that's what this work has given me that's hope right, I mean that's real and then through the whole process I wasn't stressed about any of it like the nine step promise is I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me there's no way I could have handled that in 90 days or a year I would be like, what can I do? And I just did what I was supposed to do. And I stayed out of the results. That's really the point of it. I'm not in the results for a long time now. So I invite you to see God's car out in the lot after the meeting and just see what could happen. We'll take the wheels. Leo, Leo, little one. so I hope that gave somebody the wheels are gone already so I hope definitely give them back so I hope that gave somebody some hope or at least made people feel warm and fuzzy because I think that's a great story I really do it usually don't happen to me so I felt like I needed to share that with you so thanks for letting me indulge So, to the work here. Page 68. I want to rewind a little bit. Now about sex. And the reason is that, you know, I gave out those fourth step packets last week and there's a thing in it for the sex ideal. And to me it's one of the things that's glazed over the most through the process of the fourth step. A sex ideal because either people are being told oh, you don't need to worry about sex right now or maybe you're married or maybe you're in a relationship already so you already think you got that area covered but the important part of it there's a process of questions and it's here it's in the text right so it says many of us needed overhauling there but above all we tried to be sensible on this question sensible we tried to be sensible on this question and in my experience that's not one of those things that's actually sensible in AA. You know, the description of, you know, we run to here we find human opinions running through absurd streams perhaps. Because you have that. That's been my experience. Hey listen man stay out of relationships. You want to get laid? It's okay. Just stay outof relationships. It's like that's a relationship. Well no it's not. It's just, oh my god you're just an idiot. You know it's really what so it becomes we wish to stay out of that and a few times Bill writes that you know on 69 he says that right there we want to stay out of this controversy right we do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct so that's what two sentences in a row he's saying that's none of our business man you know and gives some practical suggestions about it right we all have sex problems and then so then he gives some directions in that second paragraph he says we reviewed our conduct over the years past okay so he's talking them on our sex comment as well. Where have we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? Whom have we hurt? Do we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Okay, and you know, if you still have that packet, all those words are defined. You know, so it's there. Do we injustifiably arouse it? Because sometimes we arouse it justifiably, but I don't really know how you can justifiantly arouse jealously or bitterness because that's, you know an extreme state of anger or being inconsiderate. I don't know how you can really justify, you know, well they were dancing with someone else so I wanted to make them jealous. Oh, hey, that's justified, man. It's just stupid. And why though? Because it goes back to it's one of the hundred forms of fear that we're being driven by, you now. or self-pity or self delusion don't you understand it becomes posturing so he says where were we at fault what should we have done instead we got this all down on paper and looked at it so none of that musing, sitting around and thinking the twelve as well talked about that, well I was the pursued not the pursuer so I'm absolved that notion. And for me, I talk about this. I've actually written articles about the importance of being honest when it comes to your sex ideal and relationships in general. Because there's always that disclaimer. If you've ever been involved in a disclaimer, we're not going to get serious. We can get together once in a while. It'll be okay. Have an adult relationship. No feelings involved. You know, so, you know, and that's a disclaimer, right? And what's a Disclaimer anyway? You know it's let the buyer beware. What the Disclaimer is, is that I'm lying to you now, and I'm telling you that I am lying to your now, so you're aware that I've been lying to now, so when what I'm actually telling you now happens, it's your fault. I mean that's what a Disclaimer is, right. I told you at the beginning it's going to get screwed up. Well, what are you getting mad for? It's screwed up. I told you. You decided. Like, you're an adult. Okay, so it's about being responsible and not selfish with our relationships and what we're doing because we're being driven by self. Okay,so what happens? We unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness and we hurt people. So what should we have done instead? We have to look at our motives. And the first one is, and he says that, You know, where have we been selfish? So the question becomes, is this relationship selfish? And nine times out of ten, we're going to say yes. Because it's about what our needs being met out of that relationship instead of what we're bringing to it. Right? And that's so important to look at. Like, you know, within a... It's the first question says, is it selfish or not? Okay, and there's two points to that. Am I an equal partner in the relationship? Two, right? And my only concern with my own needs, wants, and desires. Right? So if we're being honest and we're doing this deal and we really want to get to a better level and we want to have a sex ideal, this is our starting point. Right? And then there's a whole bunch of other stuff that's afterwards, you know? So there's A Way of Dealing With It and placing it on paper so we're examining it. You know, like when you put something on paper, you know like if you think you got $2,000 in the bank and then you write down $174.82 well now you know that that's real and the $2.000 that you think in your head is delusional okay so it's really that process is really important don't bother writing it down just think about it so and here's the really important this next paragraph is really important about the process, right? Because he says, in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. And here he says we subjected each relation to this test. Well, which test? Was it selfish or not? Oh, okay. I'm not lying. It's AA stuff I'm talking about here. Oh, look at this. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. Now, I don't know about anybody else. I don'T think God allows disclaimers. You know, God doesn't say, you know what? tell them this is just going to be about sex and it will be fine well God told me that I was meditating, he told me I don't think so ok help us to live up to them because ideals are ideals they're not generally reality they're usually like what it would be like if everything was perfect it's ideal so I can't live up to that now here's a really important part we remembered always always that our sex powers were God given and therefore good and here's the caveat neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loved so it's about a balance it needs to be in its proper place and later on in that other book he talks about our instincts running to extremes. You know, that our instincts are fine because they're God-given and they become character defects when they're taken to an extreme. Okay, so our sex powers are God-driven because it's our desire as human beings to procreate, to be close, to have intimacy, all that, and that's all very great. But when it becomes about conquering and it becomes about ownership and it comes about pride and being puffy and all that well now it's a defect because now God's no longer in it. Okay, and that's really what's the best about God being in it, right? And he talks about it. He says whatever our ideal turns out to be we must be willing to grow toward it. Okay, so if we're creating an ideal for ourselves it's not like oh, I'm going to create that and then we're going to ignore it. No, we've got to be willing to grow towards that. Remember a cheerful choice? Oh yeah, no, I want to that's what I want. This is my ideal and I wantto grow towards it. You know, and I'm I'm gonna do it. I'm going to be eagerly compliant to this thing that I put down. So now we're stuck again. I mean, this process, there's a lot of... If you're doing this, if you're dealing with what this book talks about, you're throwing away several lifelong conceptions. You're getting rid of all that because that's what brought you to AA in the first place. Your head. And that's why I'm here. That's what got me here. And hey, I got an idea. Why don't you go to a meeting? And share about it. Ha ha ha ha. okay so now there's some instructions about it as well we must be willing to make amends where we've done harm provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so huh I'm sorry I cheated on you what yeah with your best friend what in our bed don't do that even if that's true for you please don't do that because that's not fair to the person you're telling it's certainly not fair to the person that you're punking out okay but you know you'll feel better after oh I'm so glad I got that off my chest but meanwhile you just hurt three people in the process so it's still part of being driven by self You know, tough shit if you're going to be suffering for that For a long time That's part of like, you know That's your deal You've got to deal with God with that And you've got make amends for that And it may not be direct Okay You know Obviously the first thing is Well, stop doing that kind of stuff Right Because that's certainly selfish So now we need to do Now we need look at it Okay So And this is why it's important He says So in other words We treat sex as we would any other problem Okay So that's where on our third inventory of our harms slash sex harms we treat sex as any other problem. So every problem that we have in our life, every harm that we had, do we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion and bitterness? Every single harm. Not just our sex harms. Okay? Because feeling will certainly unjustifiability arouse suspicion and it will arouse bitterness for sure. right, so they need to be put on paper and so then they need to be looked at like well where have I been selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate, what should I have done instead generally it's the opposite of whatever the hell you wrote down you know, don't do that you know it's that joke, how do you not get drunk don't drink you know God's a gag writer you know so in meditation in meditation. What's that? Sitting quietly and listening for God's guidance. Nice, right? We ask God what we should do about each specific matter. Not in general because we're going to get the, you know, just stop being a jerk. No, specific matter. Like that one I just brought out. Should I tell my wife? I don't know. Okay, because I'm sure God's not going to say, no, listen, you better tell her. You better tell her everything. Probably not. And so here's a promise. Here's a promise right here. Four-step promise. The right answer will come if we want it. So if we want the right answer, it's going to come. The wrong answer always comes. And we generally oh yeah, that's alright. So now here's another he says it again. He repeats himself again. God alone can judge our sex situation. That's three times, right there. Three times on that page that he said that. Counsel with others with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. That's four times that we're talking about it. Four times. We gotta go to God. Hey, isn't that kind of cool? Like the entire process has God involved in it? But hey, it's just about not drinking. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. We avoid it. So when somebody's giving you some hysterical thinking or advise about your sex life, say, thanks, and kind of scoot away, you know, something like, damn, because we all have sex problems. So we, you Know, like my experience in this, I haven't, my sponsor, I should talk to him about anything, which is a really great relationship to have with a sponsor. But I have other people in my network as well that I can talk to about things. That I have an intimacy with these men, that I can talk on a level where I'm not ashamed of who I am, I'm Not ashamed of how I think, I'm NOT ashamed of How I feel, and I'm certainly not ashamed of my past. And these are the people I can talk to. Because I know that when I say, hey, you know what, they're not going to go, well, you're really messed up! You experience that in AA? When you're standing there, no, I want to talk to you about something and you pour your heart out and you're going through this thing that makes us restless, irritable and discontented and you try to talk to this seemingly understanding alcoholic in the room and they're like dude, you really effed up oh thanks mental load don't share that anymore right, so then we stay sick because we just suck at it because now we're getting judged about being human by somebody who is human who's not really God and all that. So it's really important to find people that you can trust and get into that. And that's what the fifth step is going to be about, right? So now there's more stuff. He says, suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble, right, because we're going to, because we are human, that's how it works, right. Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so, but this is only a half truth. It depends on us and on our motives. if we are sorry for what we've done and have an honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we'll have learned our lesson if we're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing these are facts out of our own experience. They're not feelings, they're facts and I promise you I have watched people I'm sure it's not indigenous to my area or New Jersey, for sure, that you've watched those people that are quote-unquote predators. I don't really believe that people are predators. I think people are opportunists, and I think People avail themselves to being part of that process. However, I have watched people who engage in this way of life, this lifestyle of plucking off people who are vulnerable in this situation and every single one of them has gotten drunk and not immediately either I mean, I know a guy now he, you know, after having done this, you Know, because people start to know about those people and they start to get talked about and they started to get nicknames like the weasel They start to get nicknames like skirt chaser, ladies man. Women get them too. But since I don't hang around many women that are like that, I can tell you what their names are. I mean, I can show you some euphemisms that we call them, but, you know. So they're facts. And this guy, this one particular guy who was doing it for years, he relapsed and he relapse and he relax and he relaxed and he realized. continuously, after being sober for 10 years. Right? Being full of crap for 10 year and not doing this. Not doing this sex side deal. And just ignoring it all. And harming others through his actions. Now he's walking around with a walker. It's like 50. You know, like God took care of him. Oh, you want to... Alright, here you go. So those are examples of what we get. You know, he said, oh, what happened to him? Oh, he stopped going to meetings. Yeah, that was the problem. Maybe he wants to see many things. It really is. So then Bill says, to sum up about sex, colon, we earnestly pray for the right ideal. Okay, so here's instructions about how to pray for it. We pray forthe right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation. So there's another thing to pray with. For sanity. For the strength to do the right thing. These are the things we pray for. Now, this is awesome. I love this. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. Now, don't spin that the wrong way, please. Oh, I'm helping them! We're having a spiritual experience. I heard her saying, oh God. We think of their needs and work for them. I take care of them first. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge. What a great statement. The imperious urge. When to yield would mean heartache. Now notice that statement doesn't say for them There's no prepositional phrase after that. When to heal would mean partake for yourself too. Okay? I don't know about anybody else, but there's been times you know, that, bless you, that I yielded to the imperious urge and there was heartache as a result of it. You know? There's this thing like, you know who benefits more from not dating newcomers? The newcomer or the person with time? Probably both, but nevertheless it's still that thing. Just because you have time doesn't mean it's not going to screw you up by just taking an example of somebody who was sober for 10 years doing it and where they ended up, right? Because they had lurking notions. Because they have reservations. They weren't willing to do whatever it took to overcome alcoholism. Like stop screwing around with people. All right, so if we have been thorough about our personal inventory we have written down a lot. I've heard of people doing like four steps that are like on the back of a piece of paper that are like, you know, six people. You know, and I give the prompt sheets, like, you can go down like the first six and then you're not, you didn't even scratch it. It says you've written down a lot. Like, a lot is more than one page. That's a lot, you don't know? Alright, so, we have listed and analyzed our resentments. So we listed them. We listed them, so again he's repeating, we have to write them down. so I never did a written fourth step alright, so thanks for sharing run away and stop then from sponsoring other people please and we analyze our resentments which as everybody in this room probably knows means that we fought them to death you know we thought we analyzed it we have begun to comprehend their futility in their fatality. Unless he says begun. Well, that's kind of... Really? We've only begun? All that crap we wrote down? We've all been... Right? We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies. For we look on them as sick people. Remember that story? Page 67? We talk about these sick people, right? We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the pest if we can. In this book, you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, step three, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, step four you have made a good beginning that being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself now if you haven't experienced doing a fourth step yet it's not the boogeyman it is one of the most freeing things you will ever experience in your life it will remove like swallowing some big swallowing and digesting some big chunks of truth. You ever eat something that doesn't agree with you, and you swallow it, and you're digesting it, and then you feel like, oh my god, and then it starts coming out both ends? Well, because that's what we just wrote down. Gross or handicapped, he says. If you wrote down your office, you're going to feel great! You know what I mean? He doesn't say that. It's just, you can, like, you're going to do this and you're gonna feel like crap this is gonna suck is what he's telling you right but there's hope there's help because because then he says because he gives you that he gives me that promise he says God we hope you're convinced that God can remove them because you can't you know I couldn't I can't remove anything I can I can remove anything bad in my life I can even remove good stuff in my you know what I mean like it's just I just do and it just happens, right? So now moving on, we're on page 72, right Chapter 6, into action You know, it says into action not into thinking Shut up Because I've already made it clear that thinking is probably the biggest action that we have It precedes all of the physical kinetic action that we have. Thinking is an action It's an action Everything that we've done up to this point has required thinking. We have to think about, okay, am I powerless? Can I fully concede? Well, if you're not thinking, then you can't really do that, can you? If you have to get rid of reservations, lurking notions, you're Not Really Thinking if you don't do that. You need to have willingness. You can't have willingness if you are not thinking that you can have it. These are statements like when you say, I am an alcoholic I am a recovering alcoholic I am recovered alcoholic those are statements of thought because it enables you to that mindset takes you to the next step it takes you to your behavior it takes me to your feelings to your actions that's what it does for you so the thinking you know like blinking and your heart beating all these things they have thought to them even though they're reflexive The thoughts are that fast. Okay? When our brain dies, everything dies. See it? You know, except for maybe the heart because nurses joke about that and never knows when to quit. Which is kind of symbolic, don't you think? Because that's usually how we are anyway. Like our brain, but my heart isn't it. Right? And I don't know, maybe that's because God lives in our heart. So let's get a little deep, right? All right. So, page 73 says, Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? Screw it. Go drink, right? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. Right? New. Not old attitude. Not an old relationship with God. We want a new one. Because obviously our old relationship of God sucked, and that's why we're here. Right? Because it didn't work. Regardless of what sort of conditions we may have had toward our religious education and training or background, it obviously didn't work because we were missing something. And this is like the path. This is the jump. The obstacles in our path. Well, assets aren't obstacles to getting close to the God. Our grosser handicaps are, right? So we have admitted certain defects. We have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. We have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Again, weak ones. Not strong ones, not assets. Weak ones. Now these are about to be cast out. How about that for a promise? That's pretty cool. When you have like 18 pages worth of resentments and 6 pages worth of fear and 40 pages worth of harms and sex harms and we're about to have these cast out Really? Really? You promise? Wow, how cool is that? that's awesome right oh but wait a minute this requires action on our part which when completed will mean we have admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our defects okay this brings us to the fifth step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter remember I talked about the nature of our wants right six of them selfishness self-centeredness fear self-delusion self-seeking self-pity every single one of our defects of character can be traced to the nature of that. And then we go one step further and we go to selfishness and self-centeredness and that's the root of all of it anyway. So ultimately, you know, we're just selfish. You know, selfish. When I'm selfish, it's all screwed up. When I am altruistic and giving, that's where God is. God's in that. So once again, I'll put it on recording for posterity and commitment hearings. This is not a selfish program. if it's a selfish program to you you're missing something get a sponsor and go through the book you know what I mean like that's I can't stress that you know I'm going to take care of me well I you know like I didn't take care of me with that story that nice story that I told in the beginning that wasn't taking care of me I was taking care of things that needed to be taken care of if I wanted to take care of me I would have sat in my room and been pissed God did this to me the other time and I'm going to do it to me you know I would have been that troll give me anything you would think crap, it's all crap gross or handicaps so this is perhaps difficult, especially discussing our defects with another person anybody else have trust issues? no, just me right we think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. Right? We put them out. Yeah, oh, wow, I'm a real angel, you know. Isn't that enough? Right? In actual practice, we usually find the solitary self-appraisal insufficient. A solitary self- appraisal insufficient. Because one half of our brain makes up the bullshit and the other half buys it. Right? we can convince ourselves that anything we did is right and justify it we can rationalize it I love that word, rationalize rationalize so when you hear somebody say in Alcoholics Anonymous regardless as to how much time they may have away from a drink you know I've never had a sponsor well they're probably walking around with a lot of grosser handicaps. Because obviously, they're doing a solitary self-appraisal. And we find it insufficient. It's insufficient. Okay? He says, many of us thought it necessary to go much further. Necessary. There's that word again. Necessory. Right? We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. Right? Because we want enough. We're dying of alcoholism. we're dying of our own selfish nature but we want to know why I should tell somebody else I'm dying why should I tell you anything ok so he says good alright I thought the way you did and I'm going to tell you why the best reason first colon if we skip this vital step there's that word again right vital necessary for life we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking right so what's that cheatsy thing that you always hear, if you don't do a fifth you're going to do a sixth that's cute right let it permeate you'll get it time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives keep it quiet right trying to avoid this humbling experience they have turned to easier methods well that's usually drinking right or sex or shopping or gambling or drugs you know because I need it for my anxiety man almost invariably they got drunk having persevered with the rest of the program they wondered why they fell well so it's really not a fifth step problem is it it's a first step problem again because didn't we agree at the beginning we'd go to any lengths and we wouldn't have any reservations so if we're balking at something we still have a reservation right ok so we think the reason is that they never completed their house cleaning this is imagination they took inventory alright but they hung on to some of the worst items and stopped they only thought they had lost their egoism and fear they only thought they had humbled themselves but they did not learn enough humility fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story. Now, I want to kind of make something clear here. He says, told them all their Life Story. It doesn't say write your Life Story Time after time after time I hear people writing autobiographies You know, I'm doing my 40th I've got to write everything about myself so I can do my fifth step on my five And what are you talking about, man? Where is that written? Okay? because what ends up happening is that maybe that works for some people, that's great but it's not AA instruction, okay? AA instruction is here in this book and it doesn't say until we write our life story and give it to someone else. It's about telling all of our stories because here's my experience with that. When I'm blessed enough to sit and hear somebody's fifth step and they expose all of their grosser handicaps to me and I sit and I listen and I watch how they transform and I watched what happens in their life and I'm able to say at the end of it nine hours later I'm about to say is there something else that you didn't tell me about and you know what's always the first response no, no, that's everything and then if you're doing this long enough you start to see the patterns of their life and you could see time frames in their life and you can say, hey, back then when you were like, you know, a sophomore in high school, and that time over there, you know, this happened, hey did this happen? And they go how'd you know that? And I say well guess guess how I know that because you're unique don't you know? You're a unique pretty snowflake okay because what makes us common is is our defects of character, not our virtues. It's our defects of character that make us common. Our common problem. So we're able to do that. We're ableto have depth and weight. We'reable to create trust with another human being. I don't know about anybody else, but my experiences with hearing fifth steps, people are usually a puddle. They're usually a mess. Because it's the first time in their life that they're completely honest about all the crap in their lives and they just can't take it anymore. you know and to be blessed to just be a part of that for another human being to trust me with that with their life right with their life is what they're trusting me with it's just that's God in there so it's so important to be able to you know a fifth step doesn't take an hour it's not something penciled in it's nothing it's something put in your google it's no something in your iphone we're getting together like this Friday a guy that I sponsored that we're getting together on Friday to do his fifth step. He just celebrated 11 years yesterday. Okay, so it's probably not going to be like a nine, ten hour fifth step but we're certainly prepared for it because here's why. And he goes on, he says more than most people the alcoholic leads a double life. Really? He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents a stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but he knows in his heart He doesn't deserve it. You know, like, hey, how are you? Fine. How's everything? Everything's great. Hey, what happened to Tim? You know he shot himself. What are you talking about? He was doing great. He was fine. He was always smiling and happy. I guess he was full of crap, wasn't he? Right? That's what that's about, you know. Because what did we learn? What did we learned before we get here? That we're not allowed to have feelings. You know how you can't have feelings? Those feelings are inappropriate. Grow up already. Okay? But we need them. We feel them. God gave them to us. Okay? So, but now we need a balance. Because our feelings can lead us to things that aren't facts for sure. Right? So we need that balance. That's why we need somebody outside of us to say, hey, what's going on with you, man? What's up? You know, you ever see people, like, you sit around, and they sit in the back of the room, right? And they look like this. you say how you doing tonight Bob they're like I'm blessed well I'd hate to see him angry you know I'd have to see I'd love to see him miserable so it becomes that that aspect of like you know where like you see people going hey what's going on with you oh my life is falling apart what the hell's wrong with you nothing I just got thrown out of my apartment my dog died and everything's great something's amiss right so it's important that we need to be honest we need to be you know we shouldn't be victims to our feelings but we certainly need to be able to feel them and have them be a part of our life and not have shame about them oh you're sober that long and you still feel that way what's wrong with you I don't know I'm just not levitating today you know okay so we need to be honest about this you know it shouldn't be on our sleeve and we shouldn't be like maniacs and just being a feeling mess but we still need to like with our sponsors and with our close network and the people that we trust we need to be able to say why is Sachse and I'm just awful and be able to be okay with that you know that's important right and then he said the inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on screens coming to his senses, he has revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think that someone may have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside of himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension. This makes for more drinking. You experience that with people in the rooms? Ever? Right? Constantly. You just want to sit them down and say, listen, tell me everything. Would you just tell me what's going on? Because you're going to die! because that's what we're doing. We're trying to save lives here, right? Okay, he says psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We've spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we have given these doctors a fair break. We have seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men we were honest with no one else. Small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance of recovery. We must be entirely honest with somebody If we expect to live long or happily in this world It doesn't say if we expect To not drink It says if we except to live We need to be entirely Honest Now here's a very important direction he's about to give us He says rightly and naturally We think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. So it's quite right for us. It's quite natural for us, oh, there's that word again, to think. I thought the chapter didn't say action. Okay? So we've got to do that. We've gotto think well because we're about to, like, expose our entire life to somebody or somebodies. Right? So we don't want to just do that, right? We just don't want to go, hey, let me tell you about my life. And then somebody's sitting there like this. Okay, should I go back to work now? Right? That's the wrong person. Okay? This is those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must and, of course, will want to grow the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Now, when I got sober, there was a priest when I was in high school. He was a cool guy, kind of understood us kids and everything. and so I felt comfortable with stuff and having been raised Catholic I knew that if I could go and tell him stuff he'd have to keep his mouth shut he couldn't rat me out you know what I mean so I went to him with those things because like I said I had trust issues I still didn't trust the sponsor that I had but I wanted to do this I was dying I hated oh I was talking to my chief I hated everybody I don't much like people now but even like then it was even worse right so I was like so I did that and I felt better this is though we have no religious connection we may still do well to talk to somebody ordained by an established religion we often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem of course we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics you know usually people listen you don't need that 12 step stuff just accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior and you'll be fine which for some people may absolutely work oh my god they are lucky because it just doesn't work for me It doesn't. I need to do this work. I need you. You know, I try to listen. You've heard story after story after story of my experience with J.C., and like, it just didn't work. I still, I needed this, right? Okay. He says, we cannot, or would not rather do this. Excuse me. If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search out our acquaintances for a closed-mouth understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person in maybe one of our own families, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. Okay? So don't think for one second you can use those people to get, you know, it's just, like, come on, do what this book says, please. Right? We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. Such part of our story we tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. Oh, wait a minute, you know there's no rules in AA, you know. the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others now there's a rule hard on ourselves and considerate of others it's important it's so important we need to stop hurting other people before we hurt ourselves I mean we need to stop hurting ourselves also but it's out in you know it's not in out You know, I feel it. You know? I feel better. Yeah, but I gave you that story. We're not like, can't. That's the rule. We have a rule. Okay? Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with somebody, it may be someone is so situated that there is no suitable person available. Okay? This was written in 1938 when there was like 60 people who were doing this. There's 2 million of us now. There's no such thing as somebody who's not suitable or certainly available. Knock it off, right? Or if you know people are doing that, tell them I said knock it off. Because here's why. If that is so, this step may be postponed. Only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. Oh yeah, no, no. I'm just saying I haven't found the right person. No, no... Well, I got it. I'm going to do it. I'm doing it. And then they're drunk and you're like, what happened? Well, I stopped going to meetings. Idiot. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person, right? It is important that he be able to keep a confidence, that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at. Okay, so if you have people who say, you know, we don't really need to do that, run. Okay, that he will not try to change our plan, but we must not use this as mere excuse to postpone. Okay, now here's instructions and here's promises of the fifth step. This is awesome stuff right here. When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. No time. Well, you know, maybe you're looking for... No, quick, let's go. I got it, let'S go. And usually, if you're doing this, what I'm doing here, and you'redoing that with a sponsor, you already made that decision, so you already know, and you make an appointment. All right, I'm going to do my fourth step, we'll get together here to do My Fifth Step. And then when that day comes around, you know you better not have to like wash your cat you know you you know what I mean you better no have to straighten out the bottle caps you know like knock it off we waste no time right we have a written inventory and prepared for a long talk we explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it generally we don't need that if we have somebody in AA doing that they already get it right he should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. That's what the fifth step is about. Life or death. So if you don't do the fifth step, you're probably going to die. If you're an alcoholic of a hopeless variety who needs a solution that is God-based not human-based I can keep repeating myself over and over and I don't mind doing that. I've been doing it for a long time. But it's a life and death errand. That's why it's so wow, most people approached in this way will be glad to help. Right? They will be honored by our confidence. Anytime somebody asks me to sponsor them, believe me, I'm honored. Because you people who have been coming and being consistent with this know what it must be like to have me sponsor them. Okay? I expect a lot of work. I expect you to save your own life. Because I'm willing to get in the hole with you and help you climb out of it. So you better be doing as much work as I'm doing I'll put you on my shoulders but man you better be calling too right it's important it's a God gave me that gift I didn't do that I don't care die I don' t care right that's me but when God is here God sends somebody who's like Tim I need to do this and I'm like wow me you want to talk to me that's God right there right ok more he says we pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past. Now here's some promises. Quiet, Bobby. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, withholding Nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone in perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe anybody want that? takes a lot of work but it's so worth it man, that's just incredible that's life he promises life wow that's God right there And so that's the end We covered the rest of 4 and 5 And we'll start on 6 next week Thanks