The Fifth Step and Rigorous Honesty – BB Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Mark J.

the man who was closer to me than my own father. I'll talk about those later. So it took me two times starting the work to get through the work once. And having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, that's when I believe the path really begins. That's when i believe, as like where Mark started in the reading, that's where i believe that the big book makes a major shift. They've asked you to look at your inventory, they've asked you to decide who you're going to ask. They've ask you the scenario for that, that it should be a closed mouth understanding friend. Has anybody in the room ever had this experience? You're in inventory, you want to lock it in a briefcase in the trunk, in the garage, lock it all up. Nobody can see it and then you do a fifth step a fifth step or a couple of fifth steps, and the next day you could share any of it with anybody in the world because you're free. There's nothing left to hide. And I can honestly say this to you. In all the inventories I've ever written to this day, there's not one thing in any of those inventories that I couldn't say right here, right now. My first one, I remember. My first inventory was a big inventory. I had about 500 resentments, lots of fears, and lots of relationships to look at. I take it to my sponsor's house, and like I said the other day, yesterday, I had a big book with a leather cover, and in the inside of the leather cover there was a flap here on the back page, and I stuck one thing that I wasn't ever going to tell anybody. It was silly. an apartment one day in New Orleans out of a blackout, and there's a transvestite prancing around the apartment. And I didn't want to know what went on, and I just left. I think blackouts are by the grace of God, actually. If we saw all at one time everything we ever did in every blackout and everything that hasn't been revealed yet, I mean, we would just blow up into a million pieces. And And I read everything else, and you know he described it, and I had heard it from him but I didn't believe it, that in the Colorado State Penitentiary, in the middle of his first fifth step. Well actually there were two things I remember about his first fifth step in the penitentiaries. Here's a man who went from the Colorado state penitentiary to working for the Department of Corrections for the state he was locked up in, Don P. from Denver. He's also a Lakota pipe carrier which is unheard of for a white man. his first fifth step in the Colorado State Penitentiary, he went to one man because he was not going to read it to his sponsor. He went to this man and they were sitting there and Don would read something. The guy would say, oh, that's not so bad. He'd say something else. The guys would say oh that's no so bad and he had an awakening that if he continued to pick people like that he was going to die an ugly alcoholic death. See you didn't scare me when i was new that to drink is to die you scared me that you might die an alcoholic death which is usually long painful and ugly and that i might go on feeling the way i was feeling six months sober for a long time that was terrifying death might have been my only out when i got toward the end i love when i meet a dope fiend or an alcoholic who said i never i never commit I never attempted suicide when every shot, every drunk, every blackout could have been death. The other experience he had in the penitentiary was that when he saw that going to those kind of people, see hearing somebody's inventory is not about taking them off the hook. You might want to let them know that you're exactly the same and there's no difference between the two of you, but not that it's okay. Not that that stuff was okay. In California now, with new people in AA, there's a movement that you shouldn't have any shame or guilt. My God, if you lived anything like I did and you don't have Any shame or Guilt, there are places for people like that. They're called sociopaths. They have no conscience. I had a lot of shame. I Had a lot of guilt. So his other awakening was that when he went to his sponsor and started to read this fifth step in the Colorado State Penitentiary, he realized for the first time in his life it was Don and another man because his whole life it had always been Don and whoever he wanted you to be. For the first Time in his Life it was two people. I'm the kind of guy that will tell you a little bit, you a Little bit, think I've shared my whole life with somebody where all I've done is tell you something so I can get what I want from you. I never laid the whole thing out for one person in my entire life. And there I am in the middle of my first fifth step. And by the time I read Resentment, it took us three days and I'll tell you what this sponsor of mine did to me in the midst of my fifth step, I read for one day, we weren't done with Resentments. I read the next day we were done with resentment. He said, I'm going to speak across town. I was used to that. He was trust delegate for Colorado at the time. We went across Denver into a big meeting I'd never been to. And for two, three hundred people at a speaker meeting in Denver it's a big meet-in. And we're walking in. I'm two days into a three day fifth step. We walk into this church. He says, oh, I forgot to tell you. Now I am terrified whenever my sponsor says, oh,I forgot to say that. Oh, I got to tell ya, right? Or like when your sponsor says we need to chat. Don't ever think that means you're going to chat, that means you're gonna shut up and sit there and listen, right. My sponsor is the kind of man with all the love in his heart he'll say things to me like I'll say to him, I feel inferior and insecure. His eyes lit up when I was new. He'd say, you want to know why you feel inferior and insecure? I said, yeah. He said, because you're inferior and insecurity. That's such a simple answer for such a complicated person. And it freed me up. I told him one time I'm terribly afraid of my own mind. He said you have good reason to be. So we're walking into this church. he says, oh I forgot to tell you. I said, what? He said, you're speaking first. I had not read on in the book for a while what comes after a fifth step because I wasn't done with the fifth step. I got up and I spoke and standing there in front of two or three hundred people, I experienced the fifth-step promises. I was able to look the world in the eye. I was able to stand there as a man and all those promises. I went home afterwards. It was like, wow, something had burst. The next day we finished, Fear and Sex. And all of a sudden the thing that I had hidden in my little flap in the back of my book was silly not to share because he asked me is there anything that you thought you would take to the grave that's not in the inventory? And I said yeah, I got one. And there it was and it was silly. I've also had these times where such an experience happens while you're writing by the time you read it's like comical. But I've aussi had these time where it doesn't touch you while you are writing and while you're reading, boom, it hits you. And I got through that first fifth step and it was me and a guy named Don and no longer who I wanted him to be. So after five years, all of a sudden I find myself in Los Angeles through an experience of making amends to someone I'd been engaged to And this is a woman that wasn't even sure she could see me the day before I made those amends. We had been engaged. She had lived in Denver. I'm coming out to L.A. to make amends, and she said, I don't know if I can see you. I'll pray about it. I called her the next day. She said, well, I talked to your sponsor, and I talked with my sponsor, and I've decided to meet you on my terms and on my turf. Be at my mother's house tomorrow at 6 o'clock. I got there, and he's in the program, and we'd been engaged, I'd caused some real harm. She'd moved back to L.A. The day before, she wasn't sure she could see me. And at 6 p.m., I started to talk about why I was there and the harm I was clear on. And I asked a question I was directed to ask in that amends. Is there anything else I've ever done that hurt you? When I looked up, it was 9.30 in the evening and she was still talking. And the guilt and the shame and the pain in that room was thick. And then I got to another question. Do you need to tell me how any of that hurt you? And when I looked up, it was 1130 in the evening and she was still talking and something in the room was shifting because she got to talk about what I did that hurt her and how that might have hurt her. And when she finished and I asked her, is there anything I could ever do to make this right? She said, take me to San Francisco next week on your vacation as a friend and be in LA twice a month we'll go to therapy and see if we can work it out or at least end it in a healthy way because neither of us have ever ended a relationship in a healthy manner and out of my mouth came I'll find a way to do that the next night before we went to San Francisco together as friends a lady mentioned apartment on the beach in Santa Monica for $500 a month on the Beach with rent control and she didn't even know I was there to make amends in LA or that I'd been asked to be in LA twice a month. And I took that apartment and I went to therapy. I was totally against therapy at the time because I used to be a therapist. It doesn't work for me. I had the wrong view. You know, when you haven't found out the answer to what's wrong with me as a client, maybe you'll find out the answer to what'S wrong with ME as a therapist? I'm either a counselor or a client. Nothing in between. People thought I was a counselor to help other people. I WAS a counselor to find out the answer to that question. What's wrong with me? And I had a bad attitude about it. I used to go off in meetings about therapy and therapists. I hated myself. My God, how could you like what you've been? And a lady came up to me and so all of a sudden I'm there twice a month. All of a suddenly Mark's driving out my other car and I gave up the house with him that we were sharing in Denver and I'm living in L.A. and we go to therapy for several months and find out we're not two people that should be together and we're still great friends and all of a sudden I'm in LA and the next time through the work I'm about five, six years sober and I got to inventory and I finished that inventory in a workshop setting where 20, 30 people sitting at a table for six, 12 months go through thework together. I got a finished inventory and my head said to me Don Pritz is the only man that can hear this inventory my next thought was what would ever happen if something happened to don i called don he said i called mark actually and he said you ought to let some people that where you live now get to know you on that basis and i called paul martin and he talked to me about the benefit of fist stepping with more than one person and i visited denver and i read to don I came back to la I read to a few people that I was working with and they saw that I Was Human too and I've never done one fifth step since. I've always done multiple. I'm a mad dog. If one is good, I got to go to the top of the chart. And I was about 10 years sober, so I'd been in L.A. for five years, and I saw my grand sponsor, Gary Brown, at the Music City Roundup in Nashville. And he was different. He was on fire, and he was 26 years sober. I said, Gary, what have you done he said well i took an inventory up to paul in chicago and uh i read several fifth steps to several different people from his group and they sat with me and talked about six seven and eight when we were done and i got in touch with some financial amends i hadn't seen in 26 years some old some new i went home to indianapolis talked to my wife she agreed we sold the house big house nice house, moved into a trailer, paid off those amends, and I'm more free than I've ever been in 26 years. And I thought, my God, somebody with that amount of time willing to go to that length. So what do I do? My next inventory. I'm going to visit my family in Battle Creek. And I called Paul Martin. I said, I'm gonna be in Michigan. Can I come to Chicago with an inventory? He said, come on. I had no idea why he was laughing when he said that. Went to Michigan to see my family. I had no idea what I was in store for. Went to Michigan to see my family, drove to Chicago. He said, be here on a Thursday, stay till Sunday. Great. Got there on a Thursday, took me to their home group. Great meeting. They talk about a step a week. Went back to the hotel and before I got into my room he hands me a mimeograph sheet. It says Friday 9 o'clock Charlie, 1 o' clock Sam, 4 o' clock Harry, Saturday 9 o clock 1 o clock 4 o clock, Sunday 9 o clock 1o clock 4o clock. I'm gonna read nine times. I went to my room and I thought this is going to be like a retreat. So I'm a mad dog right? If if a little is good a lot's better. Called down to the desk said turn off the phone, come take the television and did 18 one-hour meditations and nine fifth steps in three days. I did an hour meditation before and after each fifth step. Read it to guys from six months to 50 years. Another guy whose story is in the big book and I came out of that room different, changed. I remember after about the sixth one on Saturday. It was like one of those you know those movies where they're interviewing babysitters and it just goes from one to the next and each ones like everyone was a different experience and what they would do is they would listen to mine and give me feedback no they would read theirs these guys in Paul Martin's group in Chicago keep current inventory just to read the people that come from out of state they have stories about people with 20 years 30 years coming suffering from depression leaving Chicago in a different state and after the sixth one on Saturday I wanted to just start screaming and get on the phone and talk to somebody you know and I knew to just sit and be quiet and you know I don't know if I would ever do nine fifth steps in three days again but it was a valuable experience and what they believe is they learned from Dr. Harry Thiebaud who Paul Martin knew Paul Martin was brought in by Dr. Bob he was one of the second or third member of AA in Chicago after Paul Stanley and whatthey learned is very simple the more people you open yourself up to the more open you are and I lost the illusion that my sponsor was the only person that could hear that inventory and I've never done one fifth step since and most people that I'm hearing their fifth step for the first time I don't encourage them to do multiple fifth steps one's enough when you're new and you're just trusting somebody for the First Time but like this last one I read to, I read to Mark. We were both in New York and I think it was August. And then I read to two people in New york that I sponsor. One has known me for 13 years but he never heard an inventory of mine and that was very beneficial for our relationship. And the third one was a woman that I sponsored in Newyork who I had just met, I'd only known for six years and she's 15 years sober. She heard it. And I get a different perspective when And I listened to and realized how much I discount for years the value you can get from women, how much they have to give. And vice versa. Women have told me that too. And then I went home. So I had done three. Mark, the guy I've sponsored in New York for 13 years and the lady I've just known for six years, and went home and read to the Steel on Steel group that I'm into six men on a a weekend retreat that we had. And I've got to tell you, every time I've done more than one fifth step, when I get to these six-step questions, there's no resistance. So I've been fortunate to read fifth steps. I've been fortunate to hear fifth steps One of the experiences I remember the most was a guy that he had done it. He had read his resentment and fear inventory. And the next day, he came over and we were going to read the sex inventory and he said, I have something to tell you. I knew he was going to tell me. I said, what is it? He said, I'm gay. I said great, read your inventory. He said but I have another thing to tell you. I said what? He said I've never had sex with an animal or a hmm hmm. I said what? He said I've never had sex with an animal or a hmm hmm. I didn't understand what you said. He said I've never had sex. I said how do you know you're gay? He said, because I've had imaginary relationships in my mind for 45 years, but I've never had sex. And I'm sitting there thinking how different we are. And he said, I said, what'd you write? He said, i've wrote about all these relationships i've had in my mine my whole life because i was so ashamed of being gay i've never have a relationship. And i'm thinking how different we're. He starts to read his inventory and about 20 minutes into it there's a pause. Nothing was said. He paused. I paused. And in that moment, we both realized we were exactly the same. That his selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear took him to nothing and that mine took me to everything. But we were no different at the core. We got free of feeling different. You know, that's what happens in a fifth step. You're admitting to yourself, to God, and another human being that you're all connected and you're always together. You're all the same? You know, have you ever really heard anything in a fifth step you haven't done yourself? A couple. I've heard some great stories, though. Bob Olson heard the story of a man who was under the Witness Protection Program and he heard some real stuff in this fifth step and the guy later went out and drank and put a contract on Bob Olsen's life because he heard about these murders he'd committed. Bob Olsan had to go to this biker gang that had the contract in Denver and explain that... You trust God. You trust Gott. So then what do you do? Then you return home. You find a place where you can be quiet. You review the first five proposals. Have I admitted anything? And that's when knowing the foundation, the cement, the cornerstone, the keystone, and what the foundation stone is going to be in your life is important. Imagine this. Imagine you've worked with a sponsor who hasn't really been thorough, but they make the mistake of after the fifth step sending you home to read Returning Home and you get to questions like carefully read the first five proposals, ask if you admitted anything. Okay, that sounds fine. For your building an arch through which you'll walk a free man at last. Well, you know, that's where Bill gets kind of lofty. Is the work solid so far? That makes sense. Are the stones properly in place and you haven't been thorough? What stones? We know now. have you skimped on the cement put into the foundation what's the foundation step one what's the cement sharing in a common problem equal parts sharing in a common solution the cornerstone was my willingness to believe at step two the keystone was that step three I know now what the stones are what the foundation is and what the cement is have I tried to get mortar without sand have I try to get recovery without fellowship or fellowship without recovering sometimes I've had to do that I've had to do returning home more than once and now I believe that between page 75 and 76 it makes a major shift think of everything before 75 that it says about your mind your best thinking even when your motives are good all this stuff and now they ask now how do I say that because the first line on the first sentence on page 76 says when you can answer to your satisfaction, they're saying start to trust. Then look at step six. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. I think sometimes I'm a little above willingness and I just breeze past that sentence. Oh, I'm way past willingness. I'm totally ready. And then they ask me, are you? Are you really? Are you now ready to let God remove from you all the things which you have admitted are objectionable? Yes. Kenny, now take them all. Every one. I've never had a problem with Kenny, but why add to that there? Will he? Now, take them off. Ooh, I don't know. Oh, that's why willingness is indispensable. I'm willing to believe that He will. Then the kicker. Am I still clinging to something that I'm not willing to let go? I think that's one of the most overlooked questions. There's already not much on step six because step six ain't about you fixing nothing. It's about giving it all to God. I love when I hear somebody say, I finished my fifth step. I went home. My sponsor emailed me a list of my character defects and the order that I am going to work on them in. How sad. You know how you've done six and seven? You know how you know when you've done 6 and 7? When you're doing 8. When you are willing to let it all go. The good and the bad. You don't even know the difference between your assets and your liabilities anymore. Half the stuff you thought was good was killing you. Half the shit you thought were bad brought you to God. You don' t know the diffrence. That's why 7 says the good and bad. But I have people now, whether it is their first time or their 20th time, if there is anything they are still clinging to that they are not willing to let go it doesn't say stop doing by tomorrow it says are you still clinging to something that you're not willing to give to god to let go of write it down be honest locate yourself i'm really not willing TO LET GO OF THIS THIS AND THIS and like mark said multiple fifth steps has taken any resistance out of that question out of the picture but if there is something i'm not willing to let go of I write it down sit with it honestly admit your unwillingness and be with that for a few days and it will shift and one day you'll wake up and you'll go I'm ready because here now they make another assumption that you've got something in your life to trust when ready not when your sponsor says you're ready to do step seven not when you've answered to his satisfaction the returning home questions when you have answered to your own satisfaction and when you know that you're ready, you say something like this. I'd like to read the original seven-step prayer written by Dr. Bob for Carl Clarence Snyder. He said here, Dear God, I'm coming to You on my knees in all humility to humbly ask You to forgive all my past wrongs and to remove all my defects of character. I want to start a new life today and I ask You to help me to do so and to keep helping me if I keep asking. In step three, I decided to turn my will and my life over to your care. Thank you for taking complete control of my life and thank you for this opportunity to wipe my slate clean and start my life anew. In step four, five, six, I have completed my moral inventory and admitted to myself and another person the exact nature of my wrongs. I now admit these wrongs to you, God. I'm entirely ready to ask and pray now that you please remove from me every single defect of character. Specifically, I ask you to remove the following shortcomings listed in my four-step moral inventory. Read aloud here those defects from your list. Thank you, God, for this opportunity for a new beginning in my life and a chance to be a part of the solution in life instead of the problem. Please grant me wisdom, knowledge, and strength as I go out from here to do Your work and to live the victorious life you have designed for me. Thank you, God, for the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which will make your plan for my life clear to me. Thank you and praise your name. Amen. I think there's a miracle at each step, but I think the real miracle of each step is in the action of the next. You want to know when you've done step three? When you got out a piece of paper and a pen and you're writing your list. You want to know when you've done six and seven? When you got a piece of paper out and you're making your list. And now you make that list. And I think myself, Mark, a lot of people I know have made a mistake over the years with ourselves and with other people. And that is to not spend more time on the second half of step eight. The list is easy. You made it when you took inventory. Before you finish that list, you ask, dear God, please show me any people or institutions or any amends that I'm not aware of that were not in my inventory and you work on that list until you know it's done. And you know when you know what's done? When you know its done, it's Done. Now while you're making amends some other names might come. Boom, you put them on your list. We were taught to fill out cards and on those cards we put the person's name, address, phone number, or the word find if you don't know where they are. And we put on the rest of the card the harm that we're aware of. And the mistake that we made, maybe it wasn't a mistake. Maybe it was actually what was supposed to happen. But I believe one of the mistakes I've made over the years is to think I have the luxury to know which are big, small, in between, which ones I'm willing to do and not willing to do. And I'd put them in piles. Willing to do, and know where they are. Willing do, don't know where there are. Not willing to and know were they are, and not wiling to and don't know where are. And I was told to get the willingness to do the ones I am not willing to do, I should start with the pile that I'm willing to do and I know where they are and I'll watch the other piles decrease from my willingness. The first time I didn't get through amends. The second time I was given the grace and the power to get through them ends and now I think it's important for people that have been around as Mark encouraged me to do this time was to stay with the eight step until I was willing to make amends to them all. My sponsor told me he got free in the Colorado State Penitentiary on the second half of Step 8 before they even let him out. He experienced the nine-step promises because of complete willingness. The freedom in nine comes from the willingness in eight. And remember, it says in that step all twice. Made a list of all the people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. and I started to wonder the other day what they mean by the ninth step made direct amends to such people I think such people means all the ones on my list and I start making amends and I star watching amazing things happen and that's where I'd like to stop for now see what Mark has to say I want to read a few things uh to you from this tool that i use for the sixth step and then i'll leave a couple copies with ralph and you and he can work out how if you want copies uh it's just called the sacrament of pence the seven deadly sins but it starts out by taking the first deadly sin pride it gives a definition putting self in the place of god as the center and objective of our life or of some department thereof. It is my refusal to recognize my status as a creature dependent on God for my existence and placed by him in a specific relationship to the rest of his creation. And then under pride, so I ask myself based on the inventory I just read, am I guilty of this or not? Guilty. And then there's subheadings, forms of pride, irreverence, example of irreverance. failure to thank God or to express my gratitude adequately, sentimentality, being satisfied with pious feelings and beautiful ceremonies without striving to bite God's will, presumption, dispensation of myself from ordinary duties on the grounds that I'm a superior person, guilty, Satisfaction of complacency over my spiritual achievements Preference for my own ideas, customs, schemes and techniques And willingness to surrender in to and abide in God To let God act in and through me Here's distrust Worry Anxiety Misgivings Perfectionism Oversensitive expectation others will dislike reject or mistreat me over readiness to interpret their attitude are quick to take offense am i the only one that relates to all these uh unfounded suspicion surrender to feelings of depression gloom pessimism discouragement self-pity or fear of death here's disobedience check this out rejection of god's known will in favor of my own interest or pleasures. Absorption in my own affairs, leaving little time, energy, or interest for the things of God. Violation of confidence. And he has a bunch more. Vanity, this is all under pride. Under vanity, pretense to virtues I do not possess, false humility, harsh judgment on others for faults I excuse in myself. Undue concern or expenditure of time, money, or energy on looks, dress, surroundings in order to impress others. Seeking desire to relish in flattery or compliments. How about this? Insisting others conformed my wishes, recognized my leadership except my own est and my own worth. Overbearing, argumentative opinionated and obstinate definition of anger open rebellion against God or my fellow creatures sole purpose and desires to eliminate any obstacle to myself seeking to retaliate against any threat to my security to avenge any insult or injury to my person Wow and all I do is I go through these then of course you have envy. I love this. Under envy, they have a section called malice. Ill will, false accusation, slander, backbiting. This one I love. The initiation, collection and retailing of gossip against another. The initialization and what? Collection and retailing of gossip against another collection yeah they've got greed uh under greed they list inordinate ambition domination and then of course gluttony lack of discipline use of sickness as a means of escape from my responsibilities the big book says it's progress not perfection how about this under gluttony, neglected bodily health not getting sufficient rest, recreation exercise. I mean these are all defects and the moral of the story is ladies and gentlemen if you go through this if you have any form of spiritual pride I assure you it will be stripped of you sloth is the last one of course keep in mind that 12 and 12 does go into these seven deadly sins and the people we know use these at different points. You can use it to help you with your fourth column you can use it to helps you with six and seven you can also use it to help you to get in touch with the nature of harm for 8 and 9 so that's the tool I use for the 6 step, I get done with that I like to take a yellow highlighter in the inventory I just read I like the highlight what I'm guilty of of course if I was more intelligent I would just dip it in yellow and go and I would like to tell you that last year my marks on this get better, they don't let me tell you the experience behind that I think that's important is it makes me see the truth of myself I know how much I am loved by God and how much I love God and this is the truth of me that without God the manifestation of all this and if this is true of me it is true of you and it makes takes me back to that four step where you're spiritually sick and I'm spiritually sick. And I see how much I need God in my life and God's power in my mind. And what it does, I think it's a wonderful tool in preparation for the ninth step because it takes away any pride I have about making this amend or any fear or any arrogance or anything else. And all I'm doing is I got one spiritually sick person going to another to clean up something in the past. That's why it had such a profound effect upon me then as it still does to this day and then so i do that the seventh step and then like joe said my eighth step i got a bunch of names and institutions and principles from my list when i wrote my inventories did my fear wrote my sex inventory and then i like to spend some time in prayer to show me any other harm that i put out i'll give you an example i missed it for years mother earth is a living breathing organism and i was 12 or 13 years sober before i realized the harm that i've done to mother earth i was born in 1946 we had years you know what i mean drive down the road all the letters out all kinds of things complete disrespect for mother earth i would never have realized that is there things i can do to clean that up absolutely I don't ever litter. For quite some time, probably once every couple weeks, I'd just take a large garbage bag and I'd just, where I was living, I just start walking and filling it up. I'm still doing that stuff today out at the ranch. I got a hold of the county, we adopted a four mile stretch and then every Saturday for three hours once a month that's what the clients do as a way of them making amends to Mother Earth as they go up and down these roads and they clean all that up. That's one example that I can give you amends to some churches and institutions that I slandered. Go visit go attend their services, go talk to the man who does it. I had a lot of amends in several different states. You know, you start with the ones closest to you. I'm like Joe. I don't have one amend that's any bigger than any other. What I'm trying to do is set right the path so I can be present to the moment. Although I had to laugh, I was reading something not that long ago. the CIA classifies lies in six different categories and give them a color code. And I've often thought, you know, it's like amends. Paul M. said one time, we don't mind making amends, but God, we hate paying the money back. Here's the deal with the money. It's not my money. I'm a steward of their money. If I owe financial amends here's how it looks. I'm working I'm sober I get a paycheck their money comes to me and I'm a steward and then I just release it over here to them so you get done and you get down with this list when you make the eight step list do it free of any judgment if it shows up in your list you're probably going to do something with it so you Get Done and you've got this list now I think some of the Joe said that was important you should have some idea So you start with the first name in the list and what you're looking for is What's the nature of the harm? What was my part in this? What did I do? And I think it's important to get clear on that To write it to write all that stuff out and so you go through it and what I like to do if I'm sponsoring somebody and we get to the eighth step and Then sometimes this will take two three weeks. Maybe even a month It depends on how extensive their list is we're gonna sit down and go through every single one of those amends Now Joe said something I think is very, very important. Always remember this if you're sponsoring people. You will transmit what you have but you cannot transmit what you don't have. If you have a lot of unfinished amends, you're going to transmit that to the people that you work with. If you've made all your amends you're gonna transmit that to the people you work was. That make sense? That's why again I like to work with with people with this book and these instructions right in front of me, because that way I'm not going to change it. I'm going to dice it up, I'm not going mix it up. So we sit down and we begin to go through this list, all the financial ones that you have, all that kind of stuff, all of the people, all institutions. And you're sitting there also and you're trying to ascertain some things, of course whenever possible you want to make the amends face-to-face. That can't always be. books as you send a letter. Of course, if you think about amends, there's it might be mine face-to-face and then of course there's calling people and then, of course, there is writing people, right? And then, of course like Joe said graveyard amends. So you get done with this list and you sit down with your sponsor and you get clear on all that. and then you just begin the process. Remember when you get to the ninth step, the book says, remember Mark, you agreed at the beginning, you'll go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. They remind you at the beginning of the night, if you're getting ready to go out and make amends is when they begin to remind you, die an alcoholic death, go make amends. Unbeknownst to me, until I had a lot of experience with amends is that unfinished business from my past will always distort my present. It will distort every relationship I have from work, men, women, myself, everything. And because if you have much experience with amends, you've seen as you went through the amends process, every single area of your life began to improve and get better. As I paid back more money, the jobs I began to get paid more money. I'm sure that's a coincidence. As I made relationships to family members and moved through that whole process, relationships with them got better. So everything is connected. As I cleaned up the past, my present, it got a lot more easy for me to be in my own skin. I got a little bit more comfortable with God. I got more comfortable. I got much more comfortable comfortable with you. See, in the fifth step, you disconnect from ego. In the seventh step, you connect with God and in the ninth step you connect with your fellow human beings in terms of the oneness and unfinished amends particularly if you got a lot of them will prevent you from having that experience see I don't know how you experienced this when I walked into this room and I know very few of you from the first day from the most moment I got here to right now I have been totally at peace and totally calm inside and I'm very connected to every single one of you i promise you when i started making amends that was not the experience i was having if i walked into a room like this i wasn't connected to any of you and there was a shield between me and you a absolute shield and it was there and as i began to make amends the shield started to come down i did have a sense of of not not being attached to my ego and i certainly felt the nearness of god but i wasn t connected to you because i still had all this unfinished stuff that I had it floating around out in the universe so you begin that journey to to clean all that stuff off my original list it took me 17 years to finally finalize all the approaches on everything that was on that list I used to get resentful when I read about the early members of AAA because they all lived in the same town so they finished amends in about two days are all the approaches. But I lived in Iowa, I lived in South Dakota, I live in California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska and Colorado, seven states. You want to go any length? Yeah, yeah, we'll only go to a link. So it took me quite a while. And I'll talk more about, I hadn't paid taxes in seven years. Internal Revenue Service, I joke about that but that is the longest relationship I've ever had in my life, 14 years. Amazing things happened when I sent them that final check. Everything is connected, right? Everything is connected. We do steel on steel and one of the questions We ask in Steal and Steal if you're making financial amends, particularly if you want to go out and start buying a lot of stuff is do you think you can stay sober stealing from these people a second time? In other words, I'll give you an example that one time a guy shows up. He's got a car. It's paid for. It's an older car. It runs well. And we'd gone two weeks without meeting. He was making financial Amends. He owned a lot back child support. the wife had let him come back into the child's life and he had a relationship with her and he comes to steal on steel and he reports that he's going to buy a z28 being a good alcoholic he gives us 29 reasons why he's going to do that payment on that z28 was $500 a month he had no payment at all on his other car kind of the old beater that still ran well so this was $ 500 he was going to once again steal from his daughter and I ask him the question, do you believe that you can stay sober stealing from your daughter a second time? He didn't buy the car. Thank God he said later, thank God I had people who cared enough about me to bring that to my attention because he said I probably would have got drunk about that because his conscience for years ate his lunch about not being able to fulfill his obligation to that woman and to his daughter. so that's really what begins to happen in the ninth step levels of freedom beyond your wildest dreams I had worked for several large companies three of them are fortune 500 companies my inventory revealed that I didn't give them a fair day's work and I made an agreement when I went to work in exchange for x amount of dollars this is what I would give them I didn't give them that so I had to approach them all and I chose a figure that I felt I cheated them out of one company literally I figured I gave him $2,000 worth of work I this is back in 1978 and I worked for them a year and I think I saw my boss two times and I estimated I might have earned $2 thousand of the $28,000 that they paid me in 1978. And I had taken an expense account to the tune of about $12,000. So I got a hold of their human resources department and talked to them and I went over the nature of the harm and told them that I was willing to pay back over $35,000 and of course the guy didn't have the slightest clue what to do with this guy. What are you doing? What do you do with it? You did what? Yeah, I was drinking all the time. I didn't really work for you, really. So he checks the records, and that particular year I was selling chain, and they had the biggest snowstorm in the history of Colorado. So I'd sold $6 million worth of chain, but it had nothing to do with me. It just snowed a lot that winter, that's all. So I explained all that to him, and I explained how I'd padded an expense account, and I used it to buy alcohol, and used it To Do Dope. So anyhow, I said, well, let me get back to you. So he called back a little bit later. He said to me, we very much appreciate what you're doing. We wouldn't have the slightest clue on how to do that. But you did ask me what you could do, so here's what it is. Don't ever apply for a job with us again. Thank you very much. Boom. So work amends. As I made these amends to these companies. I'll give you another example of men's maybe you hadn't think about how many people in here smoke raise your hands okay in your days when you're drinking and probably even sober if you're a smoker and you work for companies I don't know about you but my job description has never said you can take time out to smoke while I'm paying you during the course of the day and my inventory revealed that uh you know if you are going to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and you want to take, I don't care, five minutes. I don' t care if you want to take five minutes for ten cigarettes. I looked at the number of hours and the amount of money I cheated all these companies out of and became willing to make amends for that. I mean, when I went to work for the man that I work for right now, because I'm a smoker and I got very clear with him on the front end. I'm not here to steal from you and I'm a smucker so every time I smoke a cigarette I'm stealing from you so here's what my commitment but to you, this is the number of hours you're going to get from me. He just looked at me. See, you start working this program, this manner of living demands rigorous honesty. Joe and I joke about this, but we can't even do by mistake the shit we used to do on purpose because it bothers us too much, you know? I mean, I pay my bills way ahead of time. Why? Well, I don't know about you, but the electric company in Dallas is kind enough to float me electricity for 30 days and then they'd like to be paid by a certain date. There was a time that wouldn't have bothered me, so I'd do it. This has happened to me too. You go shopping and those little things you put under your plants so the water doesn't, I don't know what you call them. I get home not that long ago and two of them are stuck together and I'd paid for one. I thought, well, I'll get to it later. This voice starts screaming at me. You stole it! You stole It! You Stole It! All right, that's enough. get in my car, go back. I go back here. She said, what are you doing? This is not mine. They're stuck together. It's here. Bye. And I leave. I'm the guy that used to put guns in your faces for God's sakes. You see what this program turned you into a square. You cannot violate your conscience and live comfortably in your own skin. I pay my taxes. I have a CPA. I I pay them every dime they got coming, you know. See, all this allows me to exist within my skin and exist with you with calmness and peace and power and dignity in my life. Now that's not how it was when I started my amends process at all. So I've had incredible experiences over the years in the process of amends. Joe and I tomorrow, I'm sure we'll talk with you all a little bit more about that. For God's sakes, don't miss out on these amends, the healing that takes place the power that comes into your life the freedom that you have beyond anything you can imagine that's all I got for tonight we'll see you at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning I'm Mark I'm an alcoholic if you have your big book 36 11 step discipline and then we'll have a few moments of silence so that we can go inside and experience some conscious contact free from our mind the word the the strict spiritual disciplines of the... I, my first ten years in the program I was not consistent with them. And like everything else it seems like in my life there's always a two-headed coin on anything. I got to experience the effect produced by being inconsistent with the discipline of 10 and 11. And then my second 10 years, from 1991 to now, or actually 1992, having reached a place where that which God has made left me empty, sober, so there's nothing left but God, And I made a commitment to practice these spiritual disciplines exactly as they're outlined in the book every single day until I died. And now I have a 10-year history of experiencing the effects of that, and I am happy to report I prefer the last 10 over the first 10. But they are strict spiritual disciplines. You have to decide how much of this you want. You go to the ocean with a thimble, you get a thimbled full of water. How much of God do you want to know? My experience is you're going to have to make that decision. I would hope that what happened to me happens to you, and that is when the world and what the world has to offer leaves you empty, there's only one thing left, and that's knowing God. And nothing else will quench your thirst. And then paradoxically, as you go through that experience, once that happens, and then you come to know God in a whole other way. Now a lot of things that you've heard all your life begin to make sense, things like wear the world like a loose garment. I know experientially exactly what that means. It means that I stay connected to my life and I'm not too concerned about my life situation because it always changes. You wear the word like a lose garment. Seek ye first the kingdom, the rest will be added unto you. I know exactly what they're saying. That's what that is today. And all those things that I heard for years that I could not understand because they're designed to speak to the language of the Spirit, not your mind. That's why they don't make any sense. So one of the things I do is when I get up in the morning, I have some meditation books and I consistently open my big book to page 86 and I begin to read this and do what it says. So I wanted to do that with you this morning. It says on awakening, let me think about the 24 hours ahead. Now, again, I'm going to consider my plans for the day, and then I like to stop there. I find that when I get up, very quickly I've learned to turn my thoughts to God. It might just be simple things. Thank you for the Day. Thank you from Breath. I will be done. Because if I don't, this committee that I have that I've told you about, they start to show up for their meeting. and so I literally upon awakening as soon as my eyes come open I literally will start this internal dialogue of thy will be done thank you for life, thank you for breath, thank You for this day you know and then get the coffee going and sit down and then I open this book up and I work off a notebook and a day planner so when I get to I consider my plans for the day I stop and I pull it and I look at it like this morning I did a meditation I met with a person at 7 I met with Greg and Diane in Arkansas at 7.30 then we went over and met with the committee people and had breakfast together and fellowship and came here I'm going to leave here, go check out of a hotel I'm gonna get on the plane, I'm gunna go back I'm ganna go for a 3 or 4 mile run this evening I'm guine to find some action adventure movie in which I can go brain dead for a while say some prayers go to bed. That's my day. Consider my plans for the day. And then, now I'm going to move on before I begin my day, God please direct our thinking this day. The 11th step is very much about your thought life pay attention to your thought life. And I'm gonna especially ask God that my thinking be divorced from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, meaning being divorced from that, asking God to direct my thinking, I can now employ my mental faculties with assurance for God gave me brains to use. That's an incredible promise and a tool to work with. My thought life, circle the word thought life. My thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when my thinking is clear of the wrong motives. Not long ago, I read in a book, and I don't know how they come up with this, but the book said, it was written by a guy that has a Ph.D., he probably has some credibility, but he says the average human being has a minimum of 50,000 thoughts a day, most of which we're asleep to. And here's the horrible thing about being asleep to your thought life, you and I are made in the image of God, we are a part of God. god is a creation machine and one of the ways you create is with your thoughts and so what if you're asleep to 90 percent of them in other words we i believe there's a lot to be said about we create the way we experience the reality of our life i made a decision several years ago to get a lot more involved with that to geta lot more involve with that so you begin to start to pay attention to your thought life the things that you're saying to yourself And then you begin to have to use some of the 10th and 11th step tools to shift and change your thought life. You start to become judgmental, turn, start to become fearful, turn. But if you're asleep to your thought life, you get in the middle of the maelstrom before you even have an awareness you are even headed toward it. Greg's wearing a t-shirt that if you ask me what is your goal till you die, it's on his t- shirt. wake up wake up you know that's it so my thought life will be in a much higher plane when my thinking is clear of the wrong motives most people don't have any sense of awareness the term thought life is in there your thoughts have a life of their own and they will dictate how you experience yourself in your world start to wake up to what you're saying to yourself now I'm thinking about this day I may face indecision. I may not be able to determine which course to take. So here's an incredible prayer. God grant me inspiration, intuitive thought or decision. Joe and I use this all the time. All the time you get asked to speak or do something. We don't just say oh yeah we'd love to do that. We work with this stuff all the time. He'll tell you about a dream of his that's coming to fruition. You work with it. Grant me inspiration intuitive thought a decision relax and take it easy what a concept for people like us relax and take it easily can you trust God throughout the course of the day relax and take easy we do not struggle by the way it's almost impossible to practice let alone understand any of this without having done some work in the first nine steps it's almost impossible their words on a page, but there's no power to practice this. We're often surprised how their answers come. What used to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of my mind. You have a thinking mind and a working mind. The working minds what I use when I set my alarm clock, shave, do those kinds of things. My intent is to use my working mind and avoid my thinking mind. Being any experience to having just made conscious contact with God, it's not probable I'm going to be inspired. I may pay for this presumption and all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless I find my thinking well as time passes to be more and more in the plane of inspiration we come to rely on it. Early on when you start working with this, that's when it's nice to have a sponsor to bounce your absurd ideas off of. You know like I met her you know having accountability as you start working with this it's very very important and the 12 and 12 has got a paragraph in there that i think is fabulous it really addresses this we've all had periods of time where we've either said this or someone's talking to us about how god's speaking to us and they really addressed that in there in a great paragraph and said you might want to be a little careful about that who's really doing the talking and they give you a method in there to kind of check that out we conclude the period a meditation with a prayer. So we've done this and the book is very clear that when I get done with this stuff, I need to also then do a meditation. And I conclude it with a prayer. God, show me all through this day what my next step is to be. Please God, give me whatever I need in order to take care of such problems. I ask especially God for freedom from self-will. Especially for freedom from self will. Careful to make no requests for myself. I may ask for myself if others will be helpful. Do not pray for my own selfish ends. I waste a lot of time.