The Fatal Illness That You Can Decide You Don’t Have and Die From – Scott R.

Thank you. Our main speaker tonight is Scott R. My name's Scott, I'm an alcoholic. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Someone got a leak in their head? It's an honor to be here tonight I'd like to thank Rita B. for asking me to be of service this evening I'd also like to say thank you to my wife and my sponsor for coming with me tonight And for my friends for showing up to support me And I'd love to welcome the newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous If you've heard my story before, I'd want to apologize to you I only got the one And I wish I had another one You know, I could kind of tell you that I was a small Polynesian woman when I came into AA. And I'm an overweight Jewish guy now. But I only got the one. What happened to me? I like to welcome the new people to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's very appropriate for me to be speaking in a synagogue this evening. I was brought up in a lower middle class Jewish home in the Bronx. And Jews don't drink. Um, because it might dull the pain. That's what I was taught. They don't drink. They're just nuttier than fruitcakes. I was brought up to a completely insane family. My family was absolutely out of their minds. My wife never believed me about my family until my mom threw an engagement party for us, and she came, and my aunt came, and she wore her wig backwards, and it had a bun on it. And it wasn't a mistake. It was the look she was going after. She thought it was sort of a natty look, And her husband, in my family, if you got something for free, it meant you stole it. And he was a welder and he used to get big rolls of steel wool for free. And she took a decorating course and made throw pillows and filled all the throw pillows with steel wool. And when you'd go over to their house, everybody would be in a little motion all the time. There'd be a little English on everybody because that stuff comes through on you after a while. And everybody, but it was free. Absolutely insane. I wish I was lying about, I'll just give you one more and I wish I was flying about this, but It's the truth. It's my genetic pool. My uncle was one of the top 10 welterweights of the world. And he changed his name from Isidore Redmond to Isidre Goldberg. so no one would know he was Jewish. He was fighting down south. He was concerned about anti-Semitism. It was 1939. He thought they'd think he was German. The Germans were just pulling fans in left and right in 39. And I was my family. My family had absolutely nothing to do with making me an alcoholic. Absolutely nothing, nothing whatsoever to do it. If you're new here, that might sound a little confusing because you might have a real mean and crazy family and they might be a big problem of yours. My family did not have anything to do... See, a lot of people have crazy families but they don't shoot a quarter grain of heroin in their hip when they get anxious. They don't get drunk at exactly the wrong time. They don't build up a bright outlook for themselves and their families and rip it down around their ears in a senseless series of sprees. They don'T fail to recall with sufficient force the memory of the pain and humiliation of a day, a week, a second ago, and repeat the same insane behavior over and over and over again. They DON'T. Normal people DON'T protect their right to vomit. Ever. They'll do almost anything to avoid vomiting. i lied cheated and stole to get a drug that would make me vomit and if it was good it made me vomit right away which is kind of like coming home you know with a bag from vons and saying and taking a bite and vomiting and saying honey get the kids you'll vomit it's good not a thing to do with it not a things to do making me an alcoholic i was introduced to an old testament god when i was a kid that I would not be caught in a dark alley with. I was sent to Hebrew school, and I was a hip, slick, and cool kid in the Bronx trying to make it as a cool kid in the Broncs, and my Hebrew name was Shlomo. And there might be some Shlomos out there tonight, and I don't mean to offend you. I wanted to get a Shlomoectomy immediately. I wanted out of Shloma, and I wanted into James Dean as quickly as I could get there. And this Old Testament God, man, this guy got you. He got you no matter what. You couldn't hide from him. He hunted you down and he killed your goat and put a finger in your eye and turned your wife to salt and he got you and you had to speak foreign language to talk to him and I didn't want any part of this guy. My father thought that he was a real loser and I completely agreed with him. Now my father never made more than $10,000 a year and my brother and I never went to school with ripped clothing and we never missed a meal. My last year out there I made $80,000. My children did miss meals and they did go to school with ripped clothes. How did my father become a loser? My father had become a looser because a certain kind of thinking had become established in me that had placed me beyond human help, and I didn't know it. Sometimes you hear in AA, I choose to stay sober today. That doesn't work for me. If I could choose to say so, what in God's name would I be doing here? Why would I need you guys? Why would i be doing all this work? I've lost the power of choice in drink. I'm beyond help. I'm Beyond hope with drink. I'm BEYOND the help of self-knowledge. I'm BeYONd the help with self-will. I don't choose to stay sober today. I'm either spiritually fit and I stay sober, or I'm spiritually unfit and I get drunk. That just seems to be the way it is for me and the guys who I hang out with, the guys whom I'm sponsored by, and the guy's whom I am blessed working with. But I did think my father was a loser at that time, and I set some pretty lofty goals for myself as a young man in the Bronx at that time. By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had achieved them or surpassed them all. By the time I got to AA, I had had a book on the bestseller list. I had acted in a Broadway play. I had directed a movie. I had drafted a TV show. I had my own theater in New York. I had done all of these things a ton. I never got to do any of them more than once because when I'd leave, they'd move the business so I couldn't find it again. And the reason why was people were horrible to me. Absolutely horrible. and when I took the picture of my alcoholism the only picture I know of of alcoholism which is my fourth step it's the only, you know, they give you a blood test and x-rays for other diseases we do have a fourth step which seems to be a picture of the alcoholism I saw that early on people were doing things behind my back a little later on they started doing things they started talking behind myback and in the last few years they started thinking behind my backpack and that, you know that's terrible you know it's happened to you and it's an awful thing it's hard to catch him but you can do it you know you can you got to accuse them of it all the time and you'll get them you'll get him eventually I started therapy at the age of 14 I was in psychotherapy for 18 years and I was on the brink of being a very well analyzed corpse by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I think therapy's great stuff. I think as a treatment for alcoholism, it's next to useless. I remember my therapist and I used to try to figure out what happened to me, why I'd go out for a pack of cigarettes and wind up in Baltimore, which did happen to me. I was living in New York, unfortunately, at the time. Why this stuff happened to be, and I described this tingling feeling and the room would spin and I'd say something and something else would happen And, you know, he didn't... The poor man, he was a good man, a loving man, and he really wanted to help me, but he didn' t understand the phenomenon of craving. He didn' T understand alcoholics whose problems pile up at a seemingly unsolvable rate and they are crushed under the weight of it. He didn't understand this cancer of the soul that we have, this disease of self that eclipses everything and everyone around us. We were left one more time looking at the ones we love and shrugging our shoulders and just not being able to figure it out. It's horrible. It's baffling. And our book says it so beautifully over and over again. You know, when we get to that point where we cannot imagine life with alcohol or without alcohol. So my deal was I drank until I didn't want to be a drunk and then I conquered my drink problem with marijuana. You don't want you to do that too long because you forget stuff. And you go, wow, a lot. I used to go, Wow, what? A lot, you know, what and I started using hypodermics and shooting heroin that seemed like a very colorful and artistic thing to do. And there was this great quote by the artist Cocteau, which I just loved and I kind of modeled my whole life after. He said that every day he felt as if he climbed to the top of a six-story building and he'd jump off and people would come and look at the remains and say, hmm, makes its own quiet statement. And I thought that was artistic and exciting and adventurous and I wanted to live my life that way. So I kept swapping addictions. I kept getting sicker, and by the time I was 21, I got loaded. And my father had a massive stroke, and I was brought to the hospital, and I Was Loaded the night he died. And there wasn't much I could do about that. I didn't plan. I didn' t find out he was dying and then get loaded. I was loaded because I was awake, you know? And I couldn' t be there for my dad. I couldn't be there from my mom or my brother, andI felt like an animal. I had holes in my arms. I was a drunk I was disgusting and I swore I'd never put a needle in my arm again and I didn't I drank I drank till I didn' t want to be a drunk I smoked pot till I din' t wanna be a pothead I snorted cocaine till I did'nt want to b e a coke addict And I met a remarkable woman shortly after that Remarkable, intelligent, beautiful woman If you gave everything I did in eight years of marriage wrote it in a book and gave it to this woman and said would you live with this she'd say are you mad who would live with that But you spread it out over eight years. And take into mind that when I started the walk to the drink, quite often I was telling the truth. Around here, it'd get a little murky. And by the time I got into the drink it was often an out-and-out lie. But when I start it out, quite often it was the truth! You throw in a best-selling book, some bouquets of roses, and... And yeah, you'd live with it. It'll chip away at you. it'll make you crazy, it'll make you sick. My wife became ill from prolonged exposure to me. And we became so sick. I had an incredible experience a couple of days ago because I came in with a lot of financial amends, a lot of financial amens and it's taken me years. And I got to make a great one, a great one the other day. My sponsor told me I was blessed with these financial amends. I didn't believe him when he told me they were a blessing. But later on, he said, if I actually stayed sober enough to pay all these off, that would be a blessing and I could help some of the men I sponsor be grateful that they're not in as severe debt as I was. And it has shut up a lot of men who have tried to complain to me about their measly debt. But we became so ill, my wife and I, our car broke down and a guy lent us a year-old Camaro A gorgeous car. At the end of the month, one more time, we didn't have the dough to pay the rent. I looked at Nancy and I said, you know, sweetheart, I'm so tired of acting like a child, being a kid and irresponsible. Let's do the right thing for once. Let's stand on our own two feet. Let's act like grown-ups. Let's sell the car. And she looked at me and said, You're right, sweetheart. Let's Do the Right Thing. We sold this guy's car. That's like house-sitting for somebody They come back and you're an escrow I'll never forget this guy's voice on the phone You sold my car? The guy, it was as if he was hit with a wrecking ball He couldn't believe it And I got to call this guy the other day And I said, hey, I've got to do what we do You know, I didn't have to bully him into thanking me He couldn't believe it He was just as amazed with this phone call As he was with that one You're paying me back? And believe me I was just amazed as he was We know this isn't our idea You know And I didn' t have to convince him that I wasn't a good guy, that my very life depends on this, that I'll never be free. Because we've got what I see. I just think it's the most bizarre fatal illness you can possibly have. You can decide you don't have it and die from it. That's pretty strange. Dr. Paul's fond of pointing out that our book is the only book that contains the sentence. It's the only text on a fatal illness that contains a sentence we absolutely insist on enjoying life. And he's right. There's no book about cholera that says cholera is a hoot. It's a hoon. You're going to love cholera. You'll meet other people with cholera, you'll have a good time together. You'll make guys who've just caught cholera and oh, then it's the best it could possibly be. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. my wife and I became very sick together we had two children who became very ill from alcoholism one day we were in the house we had these 32 ounce tumblers and I popped a cork on a bottle of wine and I emptied the whole bottle of line into the glass and I turned around and my wife was looking at me like this and I said what? she said what are you doing? and I looked her right in the eyes completely seriously and I'm having a glass of wine Can't a man have a glass of wine in his own home? And we got sicker and sicker from alcoholism. We had two children who became terribly ill from alcoholismo. Our oldest son wound up making involuntary clicking noises he couldn't stop making in school. He was reading and writing years below his grade level. He tested in excess of 168 IQ, and he could barely read and write. He was crushed up and cut off from the society of other children From being scared He was terrified My younger son was terrified Things never wound up the way they were supposed to happen No matter what anybody said And I'm telling you, quite often I was telling the truth over here It got murky over here It was quite often an out-and-out lie by the time I got here But it was quite oftentimes the truth here And for children Fear ought to be classed with stealing It seems to cause as much trouble. The fabric of our lives is shot through with it, and how horribly true for the young people who are exposed to alcoholism. And my children became ill. My wife became ill, and I got to the jumping-off point, and I crossed a line that I swore I'd never cross. I put a needle in my arm again, and I called my therapist of record at that time. I told him what I had done, and he said there's absolutely nothing that can be done for you. And I said, what? He said, there's nothing I can do for you. The only thing I can suggest is that you attend a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous or that we institutionalize you. Now on most other days I would have gladly chosen the institution. It would have been a chance again to meet more colorful and adventurous people. The nut hut would have done it. It would be fine with me. Because near the end when I was told that I needed dental surgery, it excited me. That was a source of uninterrupted drugs for a period of time. Normal people don't get excited about dental surgery. Normal people won't go, hmmm, dental surgery! They'll do almost anything to avoid dental surgery and I'm telling you that I get a little shot of adrenaline and there are enough heads going up and down You don't' get that in the rotary, I'll tell ya Everybody goes, dental surgery at the Rotary. I went to an AA meeting. And if you're new here, I looked around that room and I said, Alcoholics Anonymous. How did I end up in AlcoholicsAnonymous? This is beyond lame. This is lamer than synagogue. This is lammer than AlcoholicsAnalymous. I'm a major guy. How did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous? Welcome. And I stuck around. I don't know why. I guess I was out of plans. If you're new here, I hope you're out of planes because if you have one, you'll probably use it and it's probably a gem. It's probably a real winner. Grab one of us at the end of this meeting and share the plan with us. I stuck around, and my first prayer, I used to raise my hand with a bunch of guys with less than 30 days, and we'd all raise our hands together, and my fist prayer was that they drink. I thought if you were the last guy, you got a set of dishes or something. You know, if you lasted the longest. And I was so sick, I wanted all the attention. I used to pray that these guys would drink. And I stuck around, and by the time I was six months sober, I thought I had worked the first three steps, I had no sponsor, and I was certifiably out of my mind. I was nuttier than a fruitcake. I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. I didn't know that. I wasn't an alcoholic. I don't know what I was. If you're new here and you're not an alcoholic, what's your problem? What's wrong with you? Consider the alternatives. You might want to get alcoholism. I don't know. I didn't have it when I got here. And they'll lie to you, you know, they'll tell you you can't catch it. I caught it from you. I mean, I caught alcoholism at these meetings you know they said when I came in this was one drunk talking to another and I wasn't much impressed with that I've been talking to drunks my whole life you know not much good one of the great calls I ever got in a a and this might if you knew here you might want to talk to someone in whom your problem has been solved I got a call from a guy with 30 days and he drank and a guy was 60 days came over to help him this is an incredible call and the guy with 60 days was trying to convince the guy who's drunk now to go to a meeting and the guy wouldn't go. Finally, the guy with 60 days said, I tell you what, if I drink with you, will you go to a meeting with me? The guy says, absolutely. He drinks. He says, let's go to one meeting. The guy goes, no, I don't want to go to an meeting. He wanted to drink. And when they called me, they had a guy with 100 days coming over to help them. So by the time I was six months, I thought I had worked the first three steps. Well, it says in our book the third step will have little permanent or lasting effect unless followed by a fourth. So I hadn't done the rest of the work, so I guess that's going to kind of come and go. It's not going to be really with me. It's nicht going to really be part of my life. So I had worked the first two. I'd admitted I was an alcoholic, which is a fatal illness, and that my life had become unmanageable and that I had come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Not would and not should, but that it was possible. If I'm beyond human help, if my only hope for survival is a spiritual experience, and that spiritual experience is promised in 12, I guess all two is an admission of possibility and a decision to move forward. The trick is you don't need to be restored to sanity unless you're nuts. So I had admitted I was dying, my life was a mess, and I was out of my mind. How come I didn't feel any better? Why should I have felt any better after a period of time? Really, why should I feel any besser at all? So I asked a guy to sponsor me And I knew this guy had been a bad guy I could see it in his eyes You know when you look into a guy's eyes And you can see those little bunny rabbits and antelope Popping around And you know that he was a real animal And I know that I knew that this guy Had been a real bad guy And I didn't know That he wasn't anymore And he talked about God And he didn't sound like a sap to me And I asked him to sponsor my life And that's when all hell broke loose In my life That's when I came into contact with someone in whom my problem had been solved. That's When My Family Came Into Contact With Someone In Whom Their Problem Had Been Solved, and that person was me. And then they moved beyond me and got their own miracle. That'sWhen I Started Doing The Work Outlined, the Program Of Action Outlined. And if you're new here, I want to tell you, all my greatest needs were addressed immediately. My knowing hatred of you, my conviction that you were out to get me, My horrible overwhelming fears, my unsolvable sex problems, and this horrible cancer of the soul. And they were addressed that first day when we sat down and he laid the work out for me and I couldn't believe it. And of course I believed like any new man, I could never imagine that this was going to have any impact on me, that this Was going to help in any way, shape or form. so i started the work and uh i did four and i did five and i did six and seven for the first time which had become sort of my template for my relationship with god i started to do my eight step list and if you're new here uh don't worry about eight probably eight steps away from where you are right now and uh when i was new and most new men i know go right to the amend step and go oh what am i gonna do how am i going to talk to that. How am I going to go to those people? At my home group, which is a men's group in North Hollywood, I had the best reading of The Eighth Step I've ever heard in my life. It was by a guy who had never read Chapter 5 before. He had hospital plastic on his wrist. His name was Nino and I'll never forget him. I've never seen him again. And he was reading Chapter 5. He'd never read it before. And when he got up to eight, he had a heavy New York accent and he said, made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all, Jesus Christ. And he looked out as if to say, have you guys seen this? Do you know what's in here? And it was the one of the reasons I loved it so much was it's exactly what happened to me. That's all I could see. It became bigger than anything else on the list how am I going to talk to these people how am i ever you don't don't worry again it's eight steps from where you are and any amends I made out of order became a complete disaster but I didn't want to put my dad down there my dad was dead what could I do when my sponsor said put him down put him down and do your job do your job in Alcoholics Anonymous just put them down so I did I wanted my sponsor had and then unfortunately i found out how he got it he never said no he just never said no to people he did everything everything that was asked for me he did he kept going he was always driving some you know to tohachapi and laughlin and other places where i thought were havens for jew haters who were waiting to kill me and i didn't want to go to these places but i wanted him to like me so i went and uh and he didn't say no to guys and he kept saying he was sponsoring guys and i mean it was endless and and i and i i started i started doing what he did and again because i guess i just was out of plans and uh and i started my journey in alcoholics anonymous and um And, you know, there were some things I wasn't going to live down. Just like if you knew, I'm sure you got a couple of things you're not going to live down You know, if you strangle the puppy we got a guy who strangled two puppies One of the guys I sponsor before he came in he got in his truck, drove 17 miles the wrong way on the freeway and then drove off a 100 foot cliff And I was telling my younger son about this and I said, he was pronounced dead at the scene and Jesse said, yeah, and dumb uh my my children have uh have found an entire class of grown-ups that are scared of them and it's uh it's the new men who come to my house and uh when my younger son was eight guy came over and jesse walked up to him and said uh so what step you working pal and the guy went oh four and i said he's eight you don't have to you don' t have to answer And the boys love to work them over. They do I just sit back and relax and kind of enjoy it they they give him a good whooping and The other thing I love watching Watching my children with the children of newcomers With men who are just coming in whose children is still very ill, and I watch the boys They're very very gentle with them And they're very loving and and they they do what we do they they attract they don't promote They show them, you know, and it's a pretty remarkable thing. In my first year of sobriety, I was on the line to buy lunch for work, not two blocks from here, as a matter of fact. And there was a guy in front of me, and he was buying a can of Colt 45 malt liquor with, like, you now, change and lint and a half-eaten milk dud. And he had been there, like a day, you knoW, and nobody wanted him there anymore. And he turned around and he looked at me, and instead of in my best Bronx saying, what are you looking at? I said, how are you doing? He said, you don't know how I'm doing. Nobody knows how I am doing except for the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. So we went outside and we talked. And we exchanged numbers. And that night I went on my first real 12-step call. The guy called me. I got a guy with more time than me. And we called some people and they said, take him down to County General, dump him at the door. Don't go in with him. Dump him atthe door and book. We went through the whole deal. We went in with them. We went all the way up to the alcoholic ward with him. And about halfway through, he turns to the guy I'm with and he says, I feel like I'm dying. And the guy on with said, that's because you are. And I said, what a terrible thing to say to this guy. What an insensitive, cold thing to save this guy now. The guys in the county facility, he's been told to lie that he's got blood in his urine to break his way into the alcoholic war. What's this guy supposed to say? Yeah, you're having it's just a bad day. No, this isn't a bad day. This is exactly what dying feels like. I'll let you know when you're having a bad day. This isn't it. And yet, if you stick around this program for any appreciable amount of time, you will see men and women come in here with bottoms that will make your hair stand on end. You will look at that man or woman and you will say, how could they ever drink again? They could never drink again, not with what they've been through. And after a period of time, if they don't use the program of action outlined in our book, if we don't treat their alcoholism, it won't be their bottom anymore. It'll be a bad day. A particular time when people were thinking behind their back and treating them unkindly. And they'll get it behind them and they'll drink again and they will go on with the business of dying and it is bone-chilling. It's still bone- chilling to me today. sometime after this one of the guys I was sponsoring called me up and told me that he didn't want me to talk to him about the steps anymore and if I could fit it into my busy schedule then I should die and leave him alone he went off and stole some money from people in the program and he stole a car and he did an apartment he was making me look pretty bad so i wanted to explain a few things to him sitting down and explain a few things my sponsor uh told me that i didn't get to do that that i had so frightfully abused my opinion of other people i'm not talking about standing up for myself and telling you what i need i'm talking about telling you where you stand in the universe i used to love to do that and i was pretty good at it you know but my sponsor told me he just wasn't interested in in what i thought about that, that I got to sit down and I got to write a tent step. And I got the sit-down and I, I got to write, I am resentful at blank for ripping people off in Alcoholics Anonymous and making me look bad. It affects my self-esteem, pocketbook ambition, personal relations, and sex. It's a five bagger. Sex, cause a little knock on the crotch there, a little ego blow, you know? What are the defects of character in me that if God would remove the resentment would be gone. Blue skies, magic time, God's got a magic wand, he comes down, he touches me on the head. What poison in me, if he took away like this, would this resentment be gone? It is the source of all spiritual illness, it is the great destroyer of all alcoholics, it'll cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and kill me dead. What is it in me? Well, I'm playing God. I'm deciding what this guy should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing. I'm self-seeking. I care more about how I'm seen than what he's going through. I'm a retaliator. I never have to open my mouth to do that. Just do that here. Spiritual pride, that's a new one. Didn't get that until I got in AA and became a spiritual Goliath. How could a man who has come into contact with me comport himself in this manner? Unbelievable. that's what i had to take to god in six and seven and six and seventy they're they're real interesting you know they're the they're kind of the the shortest amount is written on them in our book you know except for one and two and and and they're the longest chapters in the twelve and twelve which is kind of interesting this they seem to be pretty remarkable steps six and seven you know and and if i'm praying for stuff to be gone and it's not lifted i kind to like to go back to that section in the book and take a look. And it says that I got to go over those first five propositions in the booklet and ask myself, am I trying to build mortar without sand? Have I done them thoroughly? And when I got a right about the same thing over and over again, and it's something that's just got a grip on me, I got I got go back to the first five proposition and say, what is it? Is it step one? Am I not really admitting I'm powerless over this thing? Is a step two? Do I not really believe my God can take care of this? Do I not think my God's big enough to handle this? And if so, how can I make my God bigger? How can I make my god big enough so I can trust him here? What service can I do? What can I give? Is it step three? Have I really not made that decision in this situation? And that's how I got to work six and seven. Every time I do it, it gets bigger for me. And I say, father I'm yours and he says well I'm God you know sure you're mine thanks uh that's a bit of information um I'm god this is my deal what do you mean and I say father take this away take this self-seeking away take the spiritual pride away take this judgmentalness away take this stuff away and then I ask the biggest question that I've ever asked in Alcoholics anonymous, which is what can I do for you? You know, I wanted a lot of stuff when I came in here and I heard a lot OF stuff. I didn't want, I heard people with gods running all over town, doing stuff for them, getting them parking spaces. And I said, you know what, man, if I do that, God might not give me a parking space someday. And then I'm doomed. So I got to ask him what I can do to help. Sometime later, when this man found out he had fatal illness he called a county facility and they said all we can do is take you down to County and dump you at the door I knew that wasn't true because I had done my job in Alcoholics Anonymous he couldn't call anybody else because everybody else around him I guess had told them what they had thought of him I hadn't because I had my job and Alcoholics Anonymous and he called me and I got to be there for another man during his death when I couldn't be there from my father and it was lifted and my father came back into my life and that horrible cold place was gone and I felt his presence again and I could tell his grandchildren about him and laugh about him and really share with my kids my dad and I had him back because I did my job in Alcoholics Anonymous because I'd hit a few simple things you know my children are amazing I share this every time I share, it's the miracle that's happened to my family, the terrified kids I told you about a couple of years ago I was making lunch for my kids and I said to my oldest son Mike what do you want on your hot dog and he said I want mustard, onions and lettuce and I asked him lettuce? and he walked away and he came back about 45 minutes later and he stared me right in the eyes and I'm not altering one syllable He said, I will never again allow your opinion of what I want affect what I ask for. So I asked him to sponsor me. Absolutely amazing. A couple of years ago, I looked at my younger son, Jesse. I said, Jess, I've got a brainstorm. And he said, don't worry, Dad, it's probably just a drizzle. My children aren't scared anymore. They're not frightened. My wife and I are very excited about our partnership. We're going to celebrate 16 years of marriage this June, and we have been restored to sanity. We don't work on our relationship anymore. My idea of working on a relationship is to talk to you until you change your mind. Until your eyes roll back in your head and you keel over, and as you go down, you go, all right. She told me I was a bully. I know you're all shocked by that. We're very, very excited about our partnership. If you're new here, I'm not telling you your kids are going to get better and your marriage is going to work. You've got to do your job in Alcoholics Anonymous anyway. I've got to do my job in AA if I'm living in a house room. One of my guys called me last week, he said, he's trying to sell his house, he couldn't sell his home, he said I'm in real estate hell. I said no you're not. Real estate hell is fighting with somebody over what, who's going to sleep in the refrigerator box. That's real estate Hell man. You're in real Estate discomfort. You're not in real Estate Hell. You know? If you're new here I want to welcome you to AA. If you're special and you're a drug addict, welcome to AA, you know. Try some controlled crack smoking. And if you can do that, our hats are off to you. But if you're new here, we're going to ask you to do a few strange things. The strangest one of all is when you want to drink, don't. Okay, if it wasn't for the not drinking part We'd be a much bigger organization Our ranks would swell I guarantee you You know, because a lot of people want our deal But it's that not drinking Part, you know, it really hangs a lot Of people up So if you're new here That's why we say keep coming back no matter what That's Why We Say You see, you've been treating your own alcoholism and your treatment is calamitous. No one has ever gotten better from anything using your treatment and the numbers are dwindling, okay? We have a program of action that millions of people have gotten better from and all we're going to ask you to do is instead of drink go to a meeting call us crawl on your belly knock over a 7-Eleven do anything just don't drink. You can't get sober without a spiritual awakening we know you haven't had one yet don't think don't drink okay? And I swear to you, if you stick around and you don't drink one day at a time, you'll find the Alcoholics Anonymous that is absolutely perfect for you. Thanks very much for having me tonight.