The Eighth and Ninth Steps – Foundation Stone 12 Step Workshop – Part 2 of 4 – Sammie G.

okay hi everybody I'm Sandy Griffin and I am an alcoholic my sobriety date is September 1st 1989 and it's through people like you and a sponsor who loved me enough until I could learn to love you and I got of my understanding I have a home group and it the Keystone group it's in Richmond Virginia. It's on Sunday night at 5 o'clock. I heard a speaker say a long time ago, and I love to say this, if you don't like your home group, don't come to mine and ruin mine, you know? And Andy mentioned earlier that there's no wandering. Well, I'm in trouble because I'm a wandering Jew. So thanks Andy, I won't wander too much. Hi everybody, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you all for setting this up and my family is here and I'll get into that but my family is there which makes me cry because y'all are my family and you'll hear that in my short story because I am really up here to talk about the eight and nine but you do need to hear why I had to make some of those eight and nines. It's kind of important. So I was born a long time ago, 1951, to a nice Jewish family. I was the youngest of six, and the only thing I can remember is fear. Fear ruled my life. I've heard all the speakers talk about, you know, always, you you know, just how much that was on them when they were a kid. I never knew I was an alcoholic until I got to you people. I didn't know. I just thought I was insane. And the big book tells me that you're probably right. You are. And and to a large extent. So growing up was hard for me um not that because I didn't have everything I ever needed and wanted you know it wasn't hard for me not because I wasn't loved my whole life I've had a trouble of receiving love and actually giving love all my life I wanted to love and be loved that's really what I wanted all my life I didn'T really know that but I knew it growing up that I wanted TO BE LOVED so bad of my sisters and brothers and my mom and dad that I would have done anything for it so I became like schizophrenic in a way I wanted to my sisters to you know approve of me this one that one all my sisters and brother's are all today doctors and lawyers were Jewish that's what they do but um I was the only kid growing up that didn't have any ambition none I still don't really you know I have a purpose today but I wasn't an ambitious person like my sisters and brothers so I thought there was something really wrong with me I felt very inadequate growing up I barely made it out of school so I wasn'T the sharpest knife in the drawer you know I'm not an intelligent person I don't think deeply I'm pretty even I look at stuff and that's just the way I am and that's what I want to share with you today also because most of the speakers are very intelligent aren't they they could come up here bam that was really good and you know I used to envy that that was all my resentment let's do you know and they intimidated me which was all my resentment less too you know if you were tall blonde skinny I really hated you you know um so growing up all my sisters and brothers at the age of 15 I took my first drink and it's interesting I heard Chris say that we you we need to use the word anxiety you know and years ago like in the 30s and 40s they used the word neurotic and today they don't use their word neurotic they use anxiety and it seems thing that he talked about that because I had a lot of anxieties of not being what I thought I should be because of what you were so everything was on the outside so being a fearful kid at the age of 15 I took my first drink and the drink did for me what I could not do for myself because I'm still I don't have this God thing I you know I'm brought up in a Jewish home I went to temple I went into Hebrew school you know I did all those things and I can tell you how many windows are in the temple because I went there and I counted them all, you know. But for some reason, I did feel good when I did go, which I went all the time. But something in here could not comprehend or I was never open, you know. I was just shut off. So I barely made it through school, guys. You know, I started drinking at 15, so nothing really exciting happened to me, but I drank alcoholically from the beginning. And at the age of 15 also, every, my mom sent me to a diet doctor. You know, in the 60s they were real popular and I was the only fat kid in the family. You know, my sisters and brothers looked like Jewish refugees that just got off a vote and so I get sent to this diet doctor and I get these things called amphetamines and so i'm now drinking and doing these things alcoholically 15 i'm off and running you know and I don't even know all I know is I'm a sneak being a Jew we were told that you know you're not there's no alcoholism in Judaism Jews are not alcoholic so I'm now I'm in this you know Jewish community, and I'm the only one really drinking, you know, the way I want to drink. So what I would do with my friends, of course, like we all do is I drink before I go out with my friends, you Know, and let me tell you what the drink did for me. It made me be able to talk to you. I could finally look somebody in the eye. You know, it really did give me courage, and it really did give me what I needed. Alcohol worked for me. It really did. All right so let me just I'm going to tell you a quick synopsis of my story. So I am a tornado at the age of 15. Now I drank for 23 years. You know how they have on the tombstone you know I'll have 1951 dash? I'm going to tell you about this dash that I'm in because I should be at the end in dead. I really should be. So, I am off and running. I'm not going to college. I'm nicht doing, what my brothers and sisters are doing. I am a world traveler. You know, I'm gong around the world because I keep getting kicked out of places. You know, at the age of 15, this is part of my amends. I mean, at The Age of 23, I decided I needed to get married because all my sisters and brothers were married at the age of 21. That's what you did back then. And my life was getting out of control a lot. And I decided i needed to uh get some control in my life. I needed To Be Married. So I picked out this perfect specimen. I think I picked up a nice jewish doctor. for a couple of reasons one my family oh my god she's gonna marry a doctor it's gonna be great and you know um you know because that's you know gonna settle me down i'm kind of thinking the same thing you know but he also could write prescriptions i'm not stupid i'm an alcoholic and he would be married to his profession and i could still go do what i want because that is sammy sammy's gonna do i'm so selfish and self-centered but i don't know that because i think i'm a really nice person you know and i'ma give her you know all that stuff so in 1974 probably a lot of you weren't born yet okay my parents threw me a huge jewish wedding just big but that morning i got thirsty i don't know why i got thirsty but i needed a drink so i called my friend and i said hey let's go have a drink so that morning i go out in that day because you know the sun goes down it's a new day for jews so i had a whole day to do this and i drank a fifth of vodka with her and i took four quaaludes And I would have married anybody that was beside me. So, but here's, you know, this part of men. So, um, but I was only married for three weeks. Oh, please. I got bored. You know, I saw another guy go by and I wanted him. That's the kind of person I was. So what did I do to get out of that? Because I can lie well. i told my family how how bad these things were about him i told them lie after lie and they were glad i got rid of them and none of that was true just to let y'all know i talked to him for like an hour on the way up here today amends okay so um that was just another day in the life of Sammy. And so I'm working up at NIH because I have a card to tell you who I am, because see, that card was important. My sisters and brothers were doctors and lawyers. They had a card, so I need to get a card. So I'm walking in the hospital, and I am a histologist. Doesn't that sound great? I was a histologist. I had a car to tell me who I was, and so I was working up at NIH at the time, isn't that impressive? I was impressed. I hope you are. And so I got sick with a multiple sclerosis. And, um, so this is a big part of my story too. So I was, uh, lost my eyesight, put in a wheelchair, you know, it was horrible, but I turned to alcohol for my solution. alcohol was never a problem it was my solution so they put me on disability so now I'm really roaming around the country I'm that wandering Jew I'm going everywhere you know and um uh because you know I'm not and that disability check I was never self-supporting through my own contributions I got out of the wheelchair and I'm off and running and um so I um end up in I end up in Tennessee strange state guys um well I didn't understand their language you know it was English but it was something else so I don't know so I just said okay to everything you know like whatever y'all want but I'm living in Tennessee and I get a phone call from my mom and my dad got sick and um my dad got sick this is over 40 years ago from mesothelioma very popular today on tv but it wasn't popular then so they he gets sick he's only 60 years old they send them down to md anderson you know because they have a protocol there and uh while he's there my mom's down there you know staying in the room with him taking care of him but she needed a break so she called all her her kids you know she's got six kids one of them's about to help her And so she calls them, and, you know, my sisters and brothers are married, working, children. And I'm just, I'm everywhere. I'm not doing anything, so I volunteer. And I heard Sarah say this. I want to be that good daughter. I wantto be a good sister. I just don't have the skills. You know, I don'thave anything going on. So I go down there, send my mom back to Norfolk, and I go downstairs. I go in that room and you know I love my dad with all my heart and soul and I think I actually felt like my dad loved me too but I loved him and um he had been aphasic you know he had a stroke in the recovery room so we couldn't really talk and I something happened I get in his room and I'm thirsty you know why I'm thirsty but I need a drink I don't know you know i'm feeling that dis-ease but I don't know that I'm an alcoholic and that's what's happening to me. I don' t know but I just know I needed something so I go out to have that one drink and I look at my day and I go, I'll be right back you know? You know the story. So I go to have one drink, that one drink I see other people taking with impunity because I need that ease and comfort but I don't know that and um I go out to have that one drink and I don't go back for five days and I go back to my dad's room and he you know and I'm feeling remorse guilt shame everything you know after that spree which is part of that spee and um he looks at me with that look like what are you doing you're supposed to be here helping me and I Don't Know What To Do That Oh I'm Gonna Grab A Drink Because I Can't Handle That And Then I Don'T Go Back For Two More Days and then he gives me that you know and the nurse pulls me over and they said we're calling your family in because your dad's dying and I'm like oh my god they can't call my family in there my family's gonna see the condition I'm in I'm only thinking about myself and I don't know that i don't know that i'm an out i'm powerless i don's know that you know so um i leave in the middle of night because i'm too afraid of my family i'm fearful i'm always fearful around them so i um leave my dad and my dead guy without me saying goodbye to him that's alcoholism alcohol was making all my decisions for me you heard it over and over and over through all these speakers so i go back to my to the funeral back in norfolk and how do i show up to my dance funeral i show up drunk and my sister comes up to me and she spits on me and she goes we don't want you here but you know i have this alcoholic attitude you know the attitude i'm talking about i had long hair i probably flipped it you know I can do whatever i want All of a sudden I got this attitude going on, and so I stayed to help out my mom. On this journey, I ended up in Florida. I lived in every state that you can think of besides this kind of state. But I lived at Bryn Mawr. I lived on the main line in Philly. I lived In New York. I've lived in Florida a couple of times. lived in Tennessee. I was the type of alcoholic that I stirred up trouble. I was a troublemaker. You know, I lied to you all the time. You know, and I'd go out with your husband, you know? I mean, I would just, I would come live with you and steal from you. I, I was just, I was a tornado. It couldn't explain it any better. A tornado roaring through people's lives, uprooting relationships you know the 12 and 12 says that we have this inability to form relationships with other people really really you know it's the truth you know so I come I this is how I got to you people I'm in um Richmond Virginia that's where I live now I got sober in Richmond but I'm in the in Richmond because I had one sister left that I hadn't abused I mean I really abused my family and so I'm um I end up she had a really a first class uh restaurant dining it was I mean first class and um so I m working for her and I destroy the restaurant and she lost it so um it's sometime in the 80s I don't know you know I don t know dates and everything I can barely remember anything today. But so we separate, and she hates me, hates me. So I'm working at this other restaurant because I'm really in bad condition, guys, at this time. I'm in bad shape. And I'm drinking morning, noon, and night. I don't know if it's 6 o'clock at night or 6 o', in the morning. I'm showing up to work and I don't know if I just left you know I'm in bad mental condition and so I'm at that restaurant and someone had been stealing from him he's heard my story so um the boss my boss had put up cameras you know to catch the thief And I come in on a Friday, barely, and I come into there and he calls me into the office and he puts us, you know, it's an 8-track player, guys. All right? So you weren't, yeah, this is before you were born. And he puts the 8-track into the cassette player and he catches me stealing on tape. And I denied it was me. This was at the end. I could not differentiate between the truth and the false. But while I was there, and this is one of the men's, but while I Was There, this was my condition of my condition. I was a flower child. I'm a 60s child, guys. You know, I wore a headband for like 40 years. And my sponsor made me take it off and I had this indentation in my forehead. And I swear it was holding my brain cells together, the ones that I had left. So in that, I had flowers in my hair. They were dead, but they were in my air. I hadn't bathed. Bathing became very hard for me. It just did. I just couldn't get up off that couch. And so he looks right at me and he fires me. But he doesn't call the police. You know, so I get in my car, you know, and my car's in the same condition I am, trashed. You know it never saw oil ever, you now, I had retreads. I can change a tire really quick, but that's, I go back to this apartment that the government is taking care of because I'm on disability for you know my condition and I go to this appartment and my appartment was trashed too. So I go back into this apartment and I fall asleep. I don't do anything else. I don' t drink. I just fell asleep. I came to the next morning, and something happened to me. You know, the big book says what seemed at first a flimsy read turned out to be the loving and powerful hand of God. Now, I didn' t know that then, but something happened. So I picked up the phone, which wasn' t mine. I had spliced it with my neighbors. I have skills. and um so i um i called my best friend's sister who had gotten help somewhere how i just still think it's amazing how god puts in me something someone to call you know god did that but i didn't know that then either so i pick up the phone and she goes sammy don't move i'm coming to get you it's the first time in five years that i let someone in my apartment i had for five years it's had been since my family had talked to me oh i need to let you know this is interesting when i was working at that restaurant that i stole i got a typed letter from my family and in that type letter they said that they had ripped my the sleeve this is what the jewish people do they ripped your sleeve and they killed me off. I was now no longer a member of my family and it killed me. It killed me, I believe with all my fiber today that God has put a fire in us. He has put something in us and that fire was flickering out and so she came over and got me, and she took me to treatment. And this is where I'm not saying I'm any different than any of you in here, but my story's a little different than the speaker said. I was the happiest person in the world in treatment. I was one of those people that you hated because, see, I'm going to treatment, and something happened to me like i said i didn't know it was the hand of god but i'm in treatment and i'm saying i don't want to be sammy anymore i was sick of me what about the alcohol it was so sick of me you know i didn'T want to BE ME anymore you know and they said sammy i want you to look to your left and i only want you TO LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT BECAUSE ONLY ONE OF YOU ARE gonna make it and i'm like i'm so sorry i feel so sorry for you all of a sudden i become a good jew i'm a chosen one i'm the chosen you know i was never a good Jew and now i'ma good Jew but there was something inside me that i knew i wanted what you had i went to a treatment center that believed in the power of God the power of Alcoholics Anonymous and the power of the fellowship I'm from a group in Richmond that we Richmond is strong AA it always has been so I'm in treatment and I'm learning the best six words that you could ever learn in AlcoholicsAnonymous trust God, clean house and help others if anything those are the things That's the meat and potatoes of Alcoholics Anonymous. So they told me in treatment that I had to get a sponsor. I didn't know what that was, but boy, do I want to belong to your group. And so I went downstairs to the meeting, and I ran up to this woman, and I said, would you be my sponsor? And then I ran away. I didn'T know I was so afraid of rejection. So she comes up to me, and she hands me her phone number. She looks me right in the eye, and sie goes, I want you to use this. and that woman gave me the keys to the kingdom I'm telling you um I had her for 32 years I have to tell you my sponsor just got dementia and that was really hard but that's another story so um I felt for the first time like someone cared I get out of treatment and what happens to me my sponsor opens up her door and I get to live with her you know um you know I didn't even get a chance to have a dry drunk whatsoever are you kidding me so what I did and if you're new here and then there's got to be it's already people here that's got a year and under are there some people there? Let me, yeah. I got two great things to tell y'all. You never have to drink again. You Never Have To Drink. What I did and I think the most spiritual words that you can say to your sponsor is okay. The most spiritual word. And so that's what I did. I grabbed on to this woman and I did what she did so now I'm walk I'm working through the steps and I'm gonna go I'm not going to go through the step so I'm going to tell you that um I was thirsty for the knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous I was thirsty I was like a little kid and I acted like one too everybody I was the biggest fattest baby ever I cried all the time so I am thirsty for for the knowledge so my sponsor invites me in to live with her and we sit down and we're I'm I'm 30 days sober and we'RE going through the big book she goes are you willing to do what we do here and I said okay but in my heart I really meant it because I really wanted I wanted to be listen guys, I wanted to be reborn. Jews don't say that, you know, but I really wanted to be recreated like this big book says, you know, to be recrated. So we're going through the steps and everybody said it so beautifully here. I'm telling you, I mean, this has been powerful. It really has. So what happened to me, and I'll just make it brief, steps one and two is just a conclusion. There's really no work to be done with steps one and two you will either or you ate you know and if my sponsor said it perfectly if you really believe that you're powerless if you really know that if you know you're powerless over alcohol you better get a power that's how simple it was and I didn't have one I didn't never got at all so I started on a clean slate you know so um steps two was like okay that's all he said was okay here's where it comes into this tricky thing step three is about this god that's inside each one of us she's telling me it's an inside job you know so now i've got to start out with god being right here inside of me it's not you it's not out there it's inside of me this God and I'm like okay so the God inside of Me and she would do it this way AA in God is in the center okay so inside of Me steps 4 through 7 is about Me clearing away this stuff 4 through 7 that's the work right so now at the end of step three when it says now i need to go out to do his bidding now i have to get outside of me believe um god myself and now i've got to go out to the public you know it goes out to do his betting i've gotta go now outside of myself having relationships with other people and how do i have to do that because i now i've got a clear way that wreckage of my of my past i can tell y'all today and this is pretty much at the end but i can sit in any room today and i'm free i'm current on my amends but i wasn't back then so what this is what we're going to talk about so steps eight and nine was a radical change for me it's a revolutionary change i mean it's big I was three months sober when I'm on step eight, nine. Three months. So I'm still attitude. You know, I still got, you know, screw you, you know, what you did to me. So I am writing down my mins and steps eight all about just making the list. That's all it's asking me to do is make the list I did it when I took inventory, you know, and I'm glad like I said, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I didn't know about 8 and 9 when I did 4 and 5, so I had a lot on there. But I had an immense to make. That's why this is such a good talk for me today because 8 and nine is big for me. So I made the list, and that list was important because now I had to write my amends out. I couldn't just say them. My sponsor had me write each one out. so that's my um my eighth step my ninth step was a different story i call it my judah step you know uh it was um i didn't want to do it because i had a problem it was called my ego and pride i don't want you to be right more so i don'T WANT TO BE WRONG i mean i really had a problem with this i thought if i made amends to you that you were going to think you're better than me you know i'm telling you this is what i went in with and my sponsor didn't really care how i thought or felt can you believe that so now um i gotta tell you now had it been it had been like six five six years since my family has talked to me okay so they wouldn't talk to me so this is my first really um i thought was one of my first and so um they wouldn't talk to me but so my sponsor says well then you can write letters to him and I'm like oh my god she's just way too deep in this you know and the fact of it is I didn't want to do it you know but in my head if you knew my sponsor you would never question her never and there's nothing in between the net and the verb never and so she said I want you to write letters and I I went, well, you've got to help me because I don't mean a word. See, the big book talks about, and this is very important, it is for me today, that I go with a forgiving spirit, that I go to be helpful. You know, I didn't have a forgiving spirit, but I had to write these letters. So I wrote these letters at the mailbox. I wouldn't let go. so i write these letters and um and making amends for the harms that i had caused not my part guys i don't have a part in this i was doing my direct amends i was doing my exact natures of my wrongs they don't have a pardon it i had to remove them completely from this so i send those letters do i hear anything back no and it killed me all over again you know it just broke my heart even more i was one of those people who was at the meetings i was crying all the time you know your family still loved you you know and i was doing everything you know how come i would be doing i did prison work for 29 years but when i first starting prison work there was a woman in there that had killed her father and her family was still coming to see her wow what you know I cried and cried all the time and you would say um oh my sister and my mom are coming to visit me and I'm like screw you you know that can't be you know and then one day it was at the fourth dimension uh meeting a woman in the back was saying how her family was coming to see her and i said isn't that nice where'd that come from you know that's not me because i was so angry about family so um so i wrote those letters Did I hear anything back? No. My first amends, guys, was not a happy one. You know, this was hard for me, you know. You know I don't know what would have happened if they would have said oh yeah and all but see I really believe if you're really in this, if you really want it no matter how you think and feel, these are like a domino effect. The steps are a domino effect i mean i get excited about them i heard someone say that they wrote their four step and how exciting it is today it truly is because i want to be free so that's what this step is all about you know some sense of well-being you know so um i make those amends that's the first one the second one i made was to the guy stole from okay so you know i don't belong to a bank because I'm a code six from banks they don't like forged checks and stuff like that so I couldn't belong to a banks I had to do money orders and so um so I started sending money orders to to Mike you know the owner of the restaurant and so after two years because I am going to give you the results of some of this now I am doing these because I know it's the right thing to do I am not doing it to look for anything remember I'm not an ambitious person. So after two years, um, he calls me up and he goes, Sammy, will you work for me again? And I said, you bet. Um, I became a dishwasher at his restaurant. Jews do not become dishwashers, but I became an dishwasher, you know, cause my, my sponsor kept saying, You got to get a job, you know, get a job. And she goes, don't get a career, get an job. So I'm a dishwasher at his restaurant and 11 years later I owned that restaurant. And like I told you, it's not because I'm so great. It's because I put one foot in front of me. I suit up and show up and god's gonna take care of you you know so um that was another that was an amends um my sponsor really believed in this god thing you know and um like i said i didn't have one at all it was a clean slate but she told me that i had to go in my bedroom the in her house i used to slam her doors too because i'm a big brat um and she would say see me i want you to go into the bedroom and i want you to talk to god like i'm talking to you now and i said okay and but i thought it was the most ridiculous thing i ever done but what that did because i said ok and did it anyhow is it started this relationship with god you know just to let y'all know jews don't use the word god they don't say it out loud they don'T even write it they write g-d so when i got here god the word was stuck right here have you ever had anything stuck here that was painful you know you know what i'm talking about so i was going you know oh you know but i started saying this word god and i started getting this relationship however small or inadequate it may seem you know it wasn't like hers how many times do we hear you know it's like a mustard seed and a mustard seed is the smallest seed you know but it grows the largest tree so I came in as a mustard seat you know so um all right so I'm making these amends and when I was working at that restaurant that I got caught stealing there was a guy there that I fired for stealing when I stole it myself that's not good that doesn't look good on a resume you know what i mean so um i remember i was three months sober and that was high on my men's lift and um i wrote it down you know i talked to her about it because i i never went to an amends without talking to her and she goes you know I need to make those amends so I made the appointment with him and um scared scared scared but I knew I had to set that right so she goes go with your hit up because you're a child of God. You don't have to look on the ground anymore. So I go to him and I make the amends to him, and he forgave me. He forgave me. So here I am having the worst amends. My family won't talk to me. I'm doing the worst thing in the world, and I go to him with you, with God. I mean, prayer, go to him and he forgave me that was big for me you know that could that carry me that someone could forgive how do you forgive you know I had nothing but hate in my heart my heart was it was you know had cement you know i was teasing someone the other day when she said she didn't have any you know forgiveness with this person i went god that gorilla glue was really good because sometimes it gets stuck in there that it can't come out. So I made amends to him. He forgave me. Years later, when I owned that restaurant, he came in every day. He was like a good friend. You know, how powerful is that? You know? I don't even know that these things are going to happen. okay so oh here's another one i think i'm clever sometimes when i was out there you know my creditors were always calling me and one time i told them and i know a lot of people won't understand this but some of you will i told one of my crediters that i was one of those Iranian hostages that just came back. I think they did the same thing, you know? So I got sober. I owed a lot of money, okay? So I owed a lot and so my sponsor made me write the list. The big book says you make the best arrangement that you can she really believed in this so I made the list of all the creditors and friends you know that I owed money to I had to look up their phone numbers and call them to see how much I I owed and then um you know when we go from there you know the big book says you know let him know I was slow to pay I'm talking about corporations here today you know 1939 you know it was joe down at the bar you know but you know today but i called them and i said i want to arrange the best that i can do and all of them but one said okay but so i got to make this is what i did this is my experience my sponsor had me get a ledger book and i wrote my who i owed how much she said i want you to pay now i didn't make much money at the beginning so i was only i'm going to send them 25 each because she says if you give them all your money you're going to be like peter and paul you're gonna steal from paul to pay peter she knew me well so i had to leave money for me you know so um um i had it took me seven years to pay off all my creditors but it happened if i would have known it was going to be seven years i wouldn't have done it you know i want an event i do not want a journey you know true that right okay so then um my mom uh my mom passed away uh 2012 but i got my relationship back with her i wrote my sponsor made me write a letter to her like once a month and she wasn't talking to me either so it had been years and so I started writing a letter to my mom and my mom, and my sponsor, made me say at the end God bless. I'm like, I can't do that. She's going to think I'm a Jesus lover you know? You know how hard thinking is so I put God bless on it and so my mom, after I think it was a year, she wrote me back and she goes, Sammy, I'm just so glad that you're doing well. But basically she couldn't see me, you know? But then a year later, I got to get together with my mom. And now this is, it's a funny story, but it wasn't funny then. My mom was willing to meet with me. And so she was in Washington DC and I was in Richmond. And so she said i could come see her but i had to come alone she had friends with her you know but i i had this attitude obviously and um so i um i went to my friends and i said i've got a you know i my car that i had that i was driving it was a 200 car it was of a lorry if anybody remembers that it didn't have a grill and it didn'T have heat you know and um And I had AA stickers all over it, too, because I'm such a groupie. Okay, so I went to my friends and I said, I need to borrow someone's Mercedes. And my sponsor says, no, you're going to drive what you got. And I'm like, no. You know, I'm Jewish. I've got to have a Mercedes. You know? I want my mom to think I'm better than anything, you know? I want to show my mom. And she goes, no! You're going go the way you are. and so I did but see I don't understand that you know I don'T get it but I'm suiting up and showing up you know so I go meet my mother and all went well you know she didn't say anything about my car and anything you know it went well and so i started my relationship with my mom but this story is important down the road for me about the car okay so i made amends to my mom so now i am trying to uh i'm going to call her every sunday because that's my amends to my mom you know i'm and my sponsor said you can't talk about yourself you know you need to ask her about her you know I don't understand all these but I'm doing it because down the road y'all I'm telling you my life changed okay so I um now I have to make some I need to make financial mints to my mom. I mean, I stole, I mean I could never repay what I stole from my family, never. But what I did is like she told me to take 10 envelopes, I mean 12, address them put a stamp on it to my mom and send her money once a month. And it was only $25 a month but you know we come into this how many times do you hear this when we come come into into the rooms I've got so low self-esteem you know my self-esteem is so low and my sponsor will do something esteeming you know do something but let me tell you what that did for me it gave me self-steam it gave мне self-confidence you know I didn't know those things I didn'T KNOW THOSE THINGS WERE GONNA HAPPEN TO ME BUT I HAD A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A skipping my walk you know I was kind of like a little bit happier you know and like wow you know just like where that woman said wow how does that happen you know uh I'm telling y'all how this happens you know. And um so um I'm making amends left and right because I'm doing a lot of harm in recovery. I'm a I was a gossiper you know? I brought me in it. I need to gossip about you to feel better I have self-righteous anger people annoy the crap out of me you know and I acted on all those things but let me tell you the gift of all that you know people loved me enough to keep coming back you know I would have a resentment I was a resentment queen you know so and I didn't stop because I got sober. You know, I had to hit a wall. I did everything. Have you ever gone to a meeting? There's a perfect example of spiritual experience, you know, or being awakened. Have you ever going to a meeting and went, God darn, did you hear what they said? That was so good. You know, what did they say? I don't know. But I really feel good, you know. That's what we do here, you know. I'm telling y'all, I had to make amends on my amends because earlier, okay, I'm going to tell y'all um I was making amends because I got caught gossiping to this couple you know that it's a couple annoying me so I talked about them I didn't like what they're doing because I have opinions and I think I know what other people should be doing so I get caught gossipING about them and what I said to him so I made the appointment to see them both and I sat down and you know said my wrongs you know um how selfish and self-centered and you know than I am and um and so they looked at me and said yeah you are you were pretty that way I went screw you yeah I didn't like their response to me I had to do it all over again with a clean slate you know and I love how the big books is for that for skip forgiving spirit and everything and oh so what's happened to me now i want to talk about the now you know i uh i made a lot of amends you know because as he mentioned today how free do you want to be i now know that my heart my heart is open today it was closed for a long time these things that have happened to me have enlarged my heart so now that i have this you know awakening you know through you people you know sometimes when i step on someone's toes i feel it immediately you know i can't sweep it under the rug because i'm going to take it to bed with me i'm gonna put it in a little box i may put a bow on it but it's there it's like how many pebbles do you want to get out of your shoe you know it's not the big boulders that is in our way it's those little irritants in our shoes those and see today like i said that i am free Forgiveness has been one of the biggest things for me. My family didn't talk to me. I went to my mom's, because I got invited to my Mom's 90th birthday party. I hadn't seen my family. I was 18 years sober. I hadn'T seen my famIly in 25 years. 25 years! You know, I mean... So that's why I say you're my family, and I call them my starter set, you know? But see, I go down there and I take my husband and I tak you people and I take God. You know? And I walk into that room just like this room. That's how many people were there. I have nieces and nephews that I've never met. Did anybody talk to me? No. Not at all. And instead of killing my heart this time, because see I've already got God. I've got a foundation. I walked in there and they could see that I'm, I'm good. I'm okay. Um, but when I walked out of there for the first time in my life, I felt like I was enough. That was big for me. And for the First time in My Life, I Felt Like What I Have Is enough. That car I drove was enough, you know? I don't have to show off anything today. I can be me, the best me. My sponsor didn't want me to be her. She wanted me to Be the Best Sammy that Sammy could be. The one that I can walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe, you You know, I can't walk hand in hand unless I do this work. And we've heard all the people talk about it. You know these amends that I have made in my life. I think one of the most important ones and that's what I wanted to end with. Without crying. I lost my husband around two years ago. and um after he died uh for some reason i couldn't pray i don't know what happened and it dawned on me immediately immediately guys that i knew this was the footprints that god was carrying me you know how did i know that so quickly because god's been in me i'm working from the inside out now deep down inside every man woman and child is that fundamental idea of god every time i said i ain't got it to my sponsor she said you've got it you just got to tap into it because it's there and so i'm like i should have been i wish i was a better wife you know i'm going through some things that i had never thought i would ever go through like I was feeling, you know, just terrible things like this should have been stuff. I should have Been, Should Have Been, So I'm working because I work with women a lot. I was working with a woman and I doubled up man on my meetings after my husband died and I was Working with this woman and we were doing the little red book and we were on step nine and it said making amends to the departed i was like that's it it's speaking to me what i did that night i got a book and a pencil and i got in bed and i wrote my husband a six-page letter you know And the next day it was gone. All that should have, could have. It separated. For some reason it separated and I realized that I was a good wife. I may not have been the best caretaker, but I wasn't a wife for a while. I was the caretaper. You know, God shows up. He just does. You know, God has done for me what I could never do for myself. How do I explain that to somebody? How do i go to work and say, oh my god, i just had an awakening. It was like a grenade, that's how big it was. Because what happens to us, and it happens to every single one of us, because every single one of you have the power today. You have the Power to help somebody else. If you're sitting here one minute, if you're standing here for 100 years, every one of us has been given that Power to help God's kids. Everything that is gone in my life, my family, they're gone. Everything in my wife that has been gone has been the worst thing as it says in the big book has turned out to be my greatest gift that i can help someone else ain't god grand so i'm going to end with this this is the way my husband ended his there was a guy named saul in the bible big one saul was not a nice guy you know he was a murderer in fact he held the coats to and watched the people get stoned and so on his way to damascus god knocked him off his horse you know and he he had a conversion he had a transformation god changed him in from saul to paul and he loved god oh paul loved god paul was an intelligent man and god loved paul but paul had this problem he had a thorn in his side doesn't tell you what the thorn is but he had a thorn in his side. And he asked God, not once, not twice, but three times, please remove this thorn. And each time, God said, my grace is sufficient to pull you through. I may be an alcoholic, but God's grace has been sufficient to push me through. Thank y'all so much. Thank you.