The Ego That Was Bigger Than the State of Alaska – Barbara B.

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of September, speaking about her story in Steps 1 and 2, Barbara B. from Montclair, New Jersey. Hi, my name is Barbara Bridges and I'm an alcoholic. Hello. I want to first just thank God for everything that he has to offer. I want to thank this group for asking me to share for four consecutive weeks that loving invitation. And I'm just grateful that I'm willing to participate in my recovery today. If this wasn't being recorded, I would say I'm very anxious. and I am sharing my story. I know that, but I'm real grateful that there's people in this room that know me quite well for over a long period of time that can shut me up when I get ready to start lying, and I'm depending on you to do that. Thanks for sharing. Okay. All of my life, not all of my life, the majority of my life I felt less than. Not good enough. Full of fear. Full of less than just not good enough I was either or I had the attitude that I was better than you and I was smarter than you and prettier than you or I was uglier than you. And I just never measured up I was their third daughter. I have two older sisters and a brother. Spoiled, rotten to the core, with a lot of sickness in my youth. I was born with pigeon toes, jealous feet, had braces, cast, brown high-top shoes on the wrong feet up until the age I was 13. And at the age of 10 I developed amnesia, not amnesian, the blood thing, anemia. And the doctor, amnesia, maybe it was, and the doctor told this budding alcoholic's mother to give her Manischewitz Cream Concord wine to increase my appetite. Now before this, I need to say that I had all the isms and all the characteristics of an alcoholic long before I started drinking. I found out that I could manipulate my dad into giving me anything that I wanted and I loved to manipulate my Dad and he would give me anything I wanted. I found that if I cried, I got a lot of attention so I was always a whiner and I cried a lot I was a tattletale. If my brothers and sisters did not do what I wanted them to do for me, I would say mommy and she would scold them and they would do it. But anyway, my mom comes from a very large family as well as my dad and we were always at family parties and there was always beer and liquor and wine and 78s and 33s and all of those records. And it was just a whole lot of fun and a lot of drinking going on. And I love to dance. I still love to dance, dancing is part of my story. You'll hear about that later on. But they would give me quarters to dance and I mean, I would just dance, I was just dancing, dancing, dance And I would also, they would say, Bobby, that was my name then, go get me a beer. And I Would open the beer and I would take a sip and I Would just love to take the sips. And I Would get sick and I Wold get dizzy and it Would swell me around and I Loved it. I can remember at the age of 10, I also developed epilepsy. And that Was my first experience with mood and mind altering drugs. Srinabarbital and Dilantin, and I was on them for like three years. And I also found out that if I fake the seizure, that my father, my father also, I need to say, he left the home. I used to share that he left me because it's like do-re-mi-fa-so. I always got stuck under me. Do-re, mi-mi, mi, mi this, mi dis, mi dat, you know, full of me, you know. Identification. Anyway, I would fake a seizure. I'm not proud of this, but I know this is what I did to get the attention and some attention was better than none, so I thought. And I would make these seizures, a party would be coming up and I would want a suede dress, a sude coat, shoes, hat, pocketbook and a whole nine yards in the camisole and all of that and my dad would come to the hospital and he said oh baby what's the matter what can I give you and I couldn't say give me your love because I know I say that I would say well give me this way dress coat pocketbook shoes hat and whole nine yards and he would um I was a good student in school I need to back up I can remember we moved from a house in East Orange with a front in the backyard, two orange, in the projects, a whole lot of people. It was seven stories. We lived on the fourth floor so it was people below us and above us. And you looked out the backyard it was concrete and there were more people in another project. And it was like oh my God, my first taste of what I know today was fear. And I didn't want to be there. I did not want to be there so I started escaping early in life and I started doing a whole lot of reading and acting up and I really thought that my mom had wanted a boy so I just hung out with my brother all the time and we would dig for gold and I have the scar to prove it was my turn to use the pick and he thought it was his and he won and I had the scar on my I had to prove it. And it was just crazy, just never fitting in. And I also wore real thick glasses. They used to call them milk bottles. Today I wear contacts. And right now I only have one in. I don't know what happened to the other one. I lost it. I lost from work to here. And I'm saying, how come I can't see? And I did like that. Everybody is a blur. I'm serious, but I could see out of this eye, you know. And I can remember in my addiction for months I wore one lens and I saw nothing wrong with it. I saw Nothing Wrong With It and I just saw nothing wrong with that because that meant going into my drinking money and I wasn't going there. But anyway, I'll get to that too. And I was the last one, because I was this nerdy child with these brown high-top shoes on the wrong feet who had seizures, epilepsies, fits, the kids called them, and wore these real thick glasses, I was not the last to get picked on anybody's team. And it came to a point where they would say, we had a last time, you're getting there this time. That did nothing for the morale, and at a young age, I learned how to curse you out real nice nasty because we came from this home where my mom didn't play cursing. We were church-going Baptists. We didn't curse, but I could tell you all so nice nasty you would wish that I had cursed you out, But I didn't, and I prided myself on telling people off. And those that are 55 and older can identify with Sanford and Son and Ann Esther, how she used to tell Fred off. Those that are younger than me maybe could identify with Martin and Pam from Martin's show, I believe. anyway um and i just i just you know i couldn't wait for somebody to say something to me so i could just one up you know oh that felt good you know sick um i was a good student in school and i can remember when i came out of those brown high top shoes for the first time, and I put on heels. I thought I had arrived. You couldn't tell me anything. I was skinny as I don't know what, maybe 99 pounds, but I doubt that. I remember Twiggy was out, andI was a little bit bigger than Twigky, you know. Oh, man. And we started, I started this club called The Debuting. Now, you heard me say I lived in the projects, but we were called the debut teams. And we would give dances and we would sell tickets for 50 cents apiece. And of course, I was the president because I also had to be in control of everything, you know. And we'd give these dances and my older sister went with this singing, I went with this guy that sang, and so his group would come to our dances and sing. And I can remember there's one particular dance, and I'm twisting, and I'm cool jerking, and I'm Mickey Monkeying, and I'm slopping and twisting. I'm having a ball, and I'm dancing with the guys, and I'm talking to the girls, and I mean, I'm just mingling like nobody's business. And we had the wrap-up party, yeah, the wrap up meeting, and And they said, oh, Barbara, you were dancing. You were this and yada, yada. I said, yeah. And they say, well, you know why? And I says, no, why? They said, well so-and-so spiked the punch. I said what? Well make sure they are invited to every dance that we have. I mean, oh man. It was awesome. I mean, I can remember coming outside of myself when I was younger, but this was like, wow, because boys were involved, you know. Oh, that's anyway, I'm not even going to go there. That was another addiction of mine. You know, I'll just say that time went on. And then, like I said, I was a good student in school, and my mom encouraged us to get a good education but also to take some college prep courses just in case we couldn't go to college. And, I mean, you know, to take college prep classes just in caso we could go, but we were poor. And I didn't realize that we were Poor until long after I left her home because we always were provided for. We were poor, but my sister Bernice was voted the best dressed. You know, she didn't get it because that year they decided not to have any who's who because it was the orange high school in the 60s and people just didn't play that. But anyway, like I said, I didn't realize that we were poor and my mind just went blank. But anyway, good student in school. I started stealing my two older sisters' IDs and going into the bar. Loved the bar life and everything that went with it. I would put my 25 cents in the jukebox, I think we got at least six songs, and I would dance all by myself. I can remember people saying somebody would be in my seat at the bar and I was like, excuse me, you're in my sheet. They said, your name ain't on your sheet. And I was so sick, I put BJB, BJJ, under each barstool in the club. And on the street where I lived, there were four bars. Dave and Manny's, the Blue Cloud, the Terminal, and Joe's Lounge, Parole Lounge. And I took the time out and put BJJ up underneath all the barstools just in case. And I was sick. I mean, I was thick and I was arrogant and I was just full of self. And I saw nothing wrong with it. And that's how I lived my life. It was all about me. You know, do-re-mi-mi, mi-mi-, mi-, mi-me-mi. And that is just how it was. I can remember just the idea of preparing or thought that we are you're going to go out preparing the outfit you know where he's gonna go you know this in getting dressed and going out and which boy you're gonna go to first and which fortune you're gonna flirt with you know who's gonna take you out to dinner which after-hours joint you're gunna go to win oh man it I had last call for alcohol time but each one of those four bars, man, and I loved it. And then they told me interesting things like if you took a roll and buttered it with a whole stick of butter, it would coat your stomach. Well, I'm here to tell you that all it would do for me is after the second or third drink, it was starting to curl in my stomach. And you couldn't stumble to the ladies' room because ladies just didn't do that, and I was a lady. You had to walk. So I would position myself right where next to the refrigerator is the open door. That's where I would sit on the corner of the bar. The mirrors are right in back of me. There's the front door over there. There's a back door right there, and the ladies room is right there. I could see everything that was going on because I was nosy too. And my stomach would get to curdling, and I would stand up and tiptoe to the ladies' room and throw up and come back and drink some bitters. Some grenadine with, some champagne with grenadines to coat my stomach and then drink something sweet like Grand Marnier or Jambouie or something like that. I was sick. I was thick, and I saw nothing wrong with the way I was drinking because everybody around me was doing the same thing. I had a job. I had good job. I was a lot of firsts on a whole lot of different jobs. Nothing was wrong with me. By this time, I think I'm 17, but I'm working, so I'm grown. And my two older sisters had had children, and I was better than them because I didn't have any children. I thought, like I said, this is back in the 60s. I thought anybody that had children out of wedlock was just pleased, you know. And like I say, I was bitter than them. And by now I had graduated from school and had gotten involved with, I don't know, Tom Deacon Harris, take a name. And now I'm involved with this entrepreneur, drug dealer. And I told my mom I didn't like what was going on. I had to pay the same amount of room and board that my sisters were paying in the Western Fair. And she said, we didn't lack it. She knows you could do. So I moved out with this entrepreneur. Now, I need to say that I was raised in the Baptist church. And my name is Barbara Got involved with this entrepreneur And he's a Muslim So now I become A Muslim And my nickname is Kavira Close bosomy friend Okay And I stayed with that Muslim And we Entrepreneured for seven years And I was sick Because in the day I would wear my longs to work, covered my hair. And at night, I'm dancing to Chico Mendoza and the Boys wherever they are, and I got on the miniskirt, you know. So I was really confused and bewildered, but I was always in search of something to fill the hole. Y'all know the hole? that whole that you know stuff just went right through me nothing would stay you know i didn't know how to be a friend i didn'y know anything about being a good worker a good daughter a good sister none of that i just stuff would just go through me nothing was staying i was always in search of when i was 13 i swore that the baptist minister tried to drown me you know uh i you know the girls were getting baptized i said okay i'm going to get baptized too. And in the Baptist religion back then, they would dunk you in the water three times, you know, in the name of the Father, and then the name of the Son, and in the Name of the Holy Ghost. And I swore that the minister took a walk and forgot that he had me dunked down there. And I started screaming and cussing in Union Baptist Church to Reverend MacIver, and I didn't care. And it was like from 13 till I came in here at the age of 43, 30 years, damn. I mean, darn. It was like whatever i got up out of i got me out of and won't have anything to do with god because he tried to drown me and and i ran my life and i believe and i believed the hype i believe the hype so whatever i got out of I got me on of and I just continue drinking and drinking and I can remember where Okay, I'll tell it. I can remember. I used to be 110 pounds, believe it or not, when I was drinking. And I also thought that I was Anita Baker because my hair was like that short, that long. And the only haircut was Anita Baker, and I wore nothing but black, but lots and lots of skirts, you know. So I'm at this club, and across the room is this woman, and she's got all the men around her. And on the other side of the bar is me, andI've got all these men around me. I'm just mesmerized in them. A little legend in my own mind, y'all. And after the third drink, King Alcohol told me that I could sing and that was I was Anita Baker. And I, in this club, and I commenced to get up with my wine glass in hand and I got up on the stage and I started singing Sweet Love. and people thought i was anita baker now that's all i remember okay all i remember the next day because on one side it was a bar on the other side was the restaurant so the next day my girlfriend and i go back to the restaurant and we're having dinner always like to eat out y'all always like to eat i like to eating out today too and And we're at the restaurant, and they said, oh, there she is, there she is. So I said, then who is? So my girlfriend said, you don't know who you are? I said who am I? She said you're Anita Baker. I said oh, okay. So I sang a couple more bars to Sweet Love, and I signed people's money and autographs as Anita Baker, you know. Man, I was sick. I was thick. And it just continued on like that. They just continued on and on and on like that, but I could not be an alcoholic because an alcoholic to me was that bum you know, that in the summer he had on a winter coat and in the winter he was wrapped in plastic bags. I had minks, you know. I had seal. I had all the fur coats you can name. I have them, you know? I had the silks. I had all the outside trappings. Now my soul was gone, It was going a long time, and all you had to do, and I had, how they say that, one foot in the grave, another one on a banana peel. And I was a punk. I wasn't going to kill my own self, but I was slowly committing suicide because on the road to sobriety there was a whole lot of signs, and I just ignored them all. I didn't want to see them. I, you know, I just did not want to see him and I stopped. I stopped going around my family because I didn't want them to see how far down the scale I had gone. I got married when I was a little over 30 because my friends were getting married and I hadn't seen my childhood sweetheart in years and he called me up and I met him at the bar and hung up on the man that i was talking to and went to the bar to meet him so you know how i felt about relationships because it was like i always felt and was taught also not an excuse but i was taught that it's a poor rat and i don't have more than one hole and i was told that by my dad you know so god live with what daddy said you know and i did you know And I'm just grateful today I don't live like that. And I went out to the bar and ran into, like I said, met my old sweetheart and quit the one I was dealing with. And we moved in, and about six months later he asked me to marry him, and it was like, why not? And we were supposed to get married on March 31st, and something happened. I should have recognized that sign right there, but I didn't. and we got married April 7, 1979 on a Saturday drunk as a skunk. I'm drunk, he's drunk, the mason of honor is drunk, good, the best man is drunk. We got married at Reverend McIvor's house, the same minister that tried to drown me. Reverend Mc Ivor's the marriage. And we went up to pal's cabin and got thrown out. Okay. We performed in there. They said, don't even try to pay the cab, just get out. And for when I came back into sobriety, um, I had to pass pal's cabins for six years and remember. And then just one day I just went in there and I had to make amends to those. I don't know who was the manager or whatever, but I had to make amends for those people. And I tried to make restitution on the monetary side. They didn't want to hear it, but that's been steps further down the line. But like I said, my life just kept going on and on like this, and then it was crazy. It was truly crazy. I came around Alcoholics Anonymous in 1988 because in a blackout, I flushed my lenses down this toilet or something. I couldn't find a case, so I put them in a glass, and I threw what I thought was water, and then, you know. So I went into the nuthouse. It was a psychiatric hospital. Y'all can be honest. It was the nathouse. It was an alcoholic hospital with an alcohol unit, And I went there, and I could fix everybody in the room. You know, everybody, you know, powerful. And they brought us a meeting. A meeting was supposed to come, and it didn't show up. And they gave us this book, all of us. And we had to read a story called Freedom from Bondage. Read the story, they had changed the names to protect the innocent, me. And I believe the woman had been married several times. I had only been married once. And I thought my only problem was that I had a resentment with my mother and if I prayed required two weeks then that was my only problems. them. And needless to say, you know, the first step talks about having resentment and I had not a resentment, having reservations about being honest and stuff and admitting and surrendering to the fact that we're alcoholics or that I'm an alcoholic. And, um, I had this reservation and I thought it was my sponsor's job to introduce me to the guys and chocolate singles had come out in that particular year. And I didn't want to be an alcoholic. That was the bottom line. And I wanted to drink more than I wanted it to stay sober. And a situation came in my life, I ran into somebody y'all told me to stay away from and I picked up and I got raped that same night. And it's like, oh my God, they said it would get worse. And because I hadn't done any kind of work and the ego was bigger in this room. Actually, it was bigger than the state of Texas. Alaska. All right, let's get on it. Canada. Okay. I didn't want to tell anybody that I had picked up, but y'all knew because I wasn't making meetings. I wasn'T answering the phone you know um and every time my sponsor would call i was an excuse not to not to show up and um i i came back um willing as only the dying could be and it was like who cares anything about a meeting complete defeat i didn't you know uh who wants to make restitution who wants to talk about meditation and prayer and, you know, and say I apologize to somebody for screwing up their life and everybody's around them. I didn't. And it was a trip. And I came back and I was willing. And, and I believe that I surrendered because thank you so much for Sharon, honey, she talked about it. It got worse. I mean, it got really bad. And I started doing things and going places and being things and becoming personalities like who is that person? You know, under the guise that alcohol did for me what the phone book did for Clark Kent, you know. But it became my master and it was not a pretty sight and I didn't like me and I didn't you and I really, really wanted to die. But I found out that i need i just need to say this i say an alcoholic synonymous because of the there are so many different promises and there's so many different things that have happened to me on my journey on my destination and and the most important thing to me is that i'm happy about my sobriety I love being sober, and I love the life that it has given me. You know, it has changed everything. It has changed my whole outlook on life. It has opened my eyes where before I didn't believe in anything but me. It's like the more that I depend on the God of my understanding, the more independent I become. How did it work? The more I depend on something outside of myself, the more dependent I become. What? I used to be afraid of everything. I didn't want to do anything by myself. Today I can get in my car and as long as I have a full tank of gas, I don't mind getting lost. You know, give me some directions before I would get in the car and somebody else would have to drive and i know where i was going i didn't care where i was going and know nothing about directions today i know that that is north up there my feet are south this is east and that's west you know give me a point and i'm free i'm i'm at peace um i'm at peace and and it's like how because the steps go against anything that I was taught in my life it deflates the ego it aligns me with God um it makes me depend on him more and more and more and and and I developed a mantra you know about the about that and and And it was given to me, or I used to pray with this woman a couple of months ago, I guess about a year or so ago. And it Was like, my God will never leave me or forsake me. My God will not forsake you. He will never lead me or forsake me, he's always there, he is always there. But it's like, I didn't know that, I had the type of sponsor that I had to get evidence and I asked a whole lot of questions and she would say okay just act like your index ring is here and this is your thumb when you want the connection just so if y'all see me doing this I ain't crazy I'm I'm getting a connection I'm Getting a Connection and I had to go and get a connection earlier because I was just so full of self and didn't want to do this? Why am I doing it? Sister said, because. Just do it. You know, God plays coming to believe that a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity was a process. Because I had truly, truly fallen apart. I thought that if I bought a pizza, my life was just totally, totally unmanageable. I was strictly powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanable like you just would not believe. I was over $40,000, $50,000 in debt. I made restitution. My thinking was that the world owed me something because I was here, you know? I thought that people were supposed to take care of me. I thought I was supposed to constantly beat up on myself. I thought, that I had to do everything alone and some things I do alone and some things i still try to do alone but I also found out that if you say Barbara move that table not could move that tables but if I said Jameson help me out. Ron helped me out. The load would be easier. So like I said, I came apart but God, the God of my understanding is putting me back and he's restoring me gradually. He says he could restore me. I'll get restored later on and I'll tell you about that too. I totally abandoned myself when I was drinking. My husband died when I had six months of sobriety, and I wanted to drink again. But by then I had joined a group, and they had made it – I thought it was punishment at the time, but they made it mandatory for me to go to this woman's meeting every Saturday. And I did that for a year. I stayed in my aftercare for, I believe it was 13 months. And they taught me on a daily basis to change my thinking, to change my mind. And when I think about the chapter, we agnostics, that's what I think about. I have to change my mind, change my way of thinking, my way of living, my way of doing, my way of being and that's what I try to do on a daily basis. They put me in this woman's group and first they put me in aftercare and we had to do a pulse on a daily basis, what do I know about feeling? Mine was fine, That's not a feeling. And I kept my six shooters out because if you said anything to me, I was going to, you know, or my mouth was going to shoot you. And they made me read a story, The Velveteen Rabbit. i have a copy of it home and it was a story about uh a rabbit that was given to this little boy and at christmas time he had gotten all these other other toys and he put them in the closet and he saw this little rocking horse that was really worn and didn't look like the rest of the toys that although they were new, they were worn, but they didn't. This rocking horse looked like it had been used. And he says, why do you look like that? And everybody else was like, because once upon a time, I was real. Real? Well, how do you become real? He says, well, people make you real. And I was afraid of people. I didn't want to be around people. And so one night, the nanny couldn't find the little boy's toy and he started crying so that his mother said give him another toy and they gave him this little rabbit and wherever the little boy went he took the rabbit with him and he played with him and he talked to him and the rabbit started looking like he was feeling anyway the little boy got real sick this particular day and um come to find out he had like rheumatic fever and he had to throw all the little boy's toys away and they had to burn them. And the gardener was supposed to burn him and for whatever reason, he didn't. And the rabbit started crying and the tear produced a fairy and a flower and out of the flower became this beautiful fairy and he says, what's the matter? He said, you know, I want to become real and he made the rabbit real. and the boy got better and time went on and they were in the fields where they used to go and this little rabbit with these little spots came up to the boy and he said, oh my god you look just like this toy rabbit that I used to play with and he jumped away and see the rabbit didn't even know that he wasn't real because his hind legs were sewn together so he couldn't jump like the other rabbits, but he thought he was real. And, wow. I'm coming to find out that you guys make me become real, and for that I'm truly grateful. And I had to tell that story to my group, And at the time, my arrogance, if anybody laughed or sniggered, my guns came out. My mouth was horrible, you know. And you knew that you had gotten a raft of barber, you Know. Today, you Now, I'm not as bad. I'm Not perfect. I don't think I've cussed anybody out in a long time. I may have put you down and had to come back and apologize or say, you know, I think I may Have done this to you. You know, because today I don't – I want to be treated with dignity, and I want To treat people like that also. And it takes practice. It takes practice in my home group it's East Orange Step 10 and I love going there and people in there know forever and that's where I started practicing actually I believe I started practicing in this women's meeting how to be real and allowing myself and giving myself permission to cry to laugh because uh my feelings as a child were always cut off because of the epilepsy now i'm not blaming my mom because i know today that she did the best that she could but they will cut off it's like they didn't know where the epilepsy came from so it's like don't do anything too much but today i laughed and my stomach hurt or um i'm not going to say that, but I cry until I need to stop crying. I feel whatever it is I need to feel. Uh, I try not to linger in it or wallow in it. Um, I was listening to a tape and I'm real grateful says the difference between my sobriety when I first came in on February 19th, 1992 to today is that when I'm in pain, I pick up the phone faster, you And that's because God helps me on a daily basis to know that I need the help, that I don't have to stay there, that, like I said, I can feel what I need to feel. I came in here and my life started changing, and I said I was nosy, so I wanted to know how this thing worked. I saw people taking the baskets with dollars in them and going in the kitchen, and same person is doing this every week. And I'm saying, well, when's my turn? You know, I can remember that woman that used to be situated across the bar from me with all the men around her. I saw her in the rooms at my home group, and she was the chairperson. I'm thinking, she's a president of AA. I didn't know. I didn' t know what was going on, and on Saturdays, it was my busiest day to get drunk. And so y'all told me to do the opposite of what I used to do. So on Saturday, I made the 12 o'clock meeting. I made a 2 o' clock meeting. I made 5 o' o' lock meeting. And then they had this Saturday night sober step meeting at 945 with no heat. I came in in February. There was no heat, so we stood around the stove with the door open with the burners, and we read the step book, and we talked about the steps. And, of course, I liked him, and he was married, and I didn't care. but he did and then he had some steps in his life and he told me don't go there you know you're a woman um respect yourself respect myself he's crazy i didn't know anything about that but he taught me how to respect myself and and he says no he said no and he was the dcm at the time district committee member and he said that they needed a GSR and I think I had about six months and I became the GSR general service representative not the grand supreme ruler because that's what I thought it stood for and I did And I really believe that he made the people in my home group, well it wasn't my home group, it was one of the groups that I belonged to because I so desperately wanted to be a part of something. I joined like four groups and anybody needed a resume type, any group needed a flyer, anything anybody needed, I'm your man, you know. So I had to start setting boundaries and limitations and saying, okay, they don't want you to do anything but to stay sober, you know. And I thought everybody had motives. When I was drinking, everybody had motives because I had motives, you know. But anyway, I became the GSR and I believe that he made these people listen to my GSR report. Now I'm a paralegal by profession and, and I, you know, I had the meeting started at so-and-so read the 12th edition, so-on-so-read the steps and the DCM report. And they sat there and they listened to everything I had to say. And it's like, wow. and I heard expressions like unity unity that's great you know what's good for the group you know the group conscience you know that the second tradition you know leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern they don't you know the third tradition about about the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Get out. They allow fallen women and crackpots and queers and anybody. Get out, you know, and it was really good, and they talked about the group conscience. What does that mean? That God would speak to all of us. I may have an idea, but everybody has a right to say something and everybody has a right to their own opinion and everybody has the right to be wrong. They're kidding. What? You know, because I'm making all these meetings and it's like, well, that group only reads how it works in the steps. Yeah, and so what? Well, my group reads all four of them. Yeah, okay, each group is autonomous as a matter of fact. Well, what does that mean? You know, each group can do whatever they want to do. And it was like a whole wonderful learning experience, and it was just amazing. I started going to this district meeting, and there was wonderful people there, like Anita C. and Ron, like I said, Ron Neely, and they would volunteer. He says, okay, who wants to be on the Alcothon Committee? Barbara does. And I got involved It was like, well at my home group Who wants to be the greeter Barbara does You know, greeter Who wants the reader I always like the reader Everybody's watching me I like that Like I said, some attention was better than none But anyway It was just It was marvelous to see How things happen Outside of my group how it functioned and how it was going on and doors started opening and I started meeting people and going places and doing things that I thought I would never do because I thought AA was East Orange and that was it. And I was limiting myself just like if I don't allow God in to do the work that he needs to do, I limit myself. If I don't depend on him to be everything to me, I limit him. And I'm the only one that can limit me. And if I stay home from a – back then, if I stayed home from an event that they were counting on me to be a part of, not that it would fall apart, but somebody else would have to step in and take over my part and I would haveと make the amends or avoid making the amens, show up, do what you need to do, and just be there, be responsible. Being this responsible GSR led me to the secretary wasn't there one particular day at the district meeting, and they knew my profession. They knew my typing skills and all of that, and they said, oh, well, Barbara could take the minutes, okay? So I took the minutes, and they were, you know, just as anal as I am. And I took them, and we had an election, and they made me the alternate district secretary. I said, okay. Now, with that meant more responsibility, more dedication, more paying attention, you now, because if the secretary had to go relieve himself, I had to take the man. If he called and said, well, I can't make the meeting, I have to go there. But it was a growing experience. It was teaching me to do something for somebody else other than the me, me, me, and it was wonderful. I started going to assemblies and seeing people get elected and saying, how do you do that? Why would they want to do that. And I started learning that recovery is three parts. It's the unity, it's the service, it' s the recovery. And the unity comes first, the recovery comes second, and the service comes third. And I need – I'm that type of alcoholic in the 12th step. It talks – I mean, I'm not married. My husband died when I had six months of recovery, and I didn't have the cash on my reservation, and I'm really grateful for that because the women that I had met at – and I'll come back to service in a minute – But the women I had met at these meetings and the principles that this aftercare group had given me, and one of them was utilizing the phone, calling somebody on a daily basis, being home to receive a phone call. And I called like four women. And it was like, okay. And I got an answering machine. I said, okay, I'm calling one more person. Okay. I said all right, God, you're so bad. I'm calling one more person, and if they ain't there, I'm drinking. Okay? My head really rocked in, you know. Don't let me do it too well today. And I called this fifth person, and they answered the phone. I said, okay. I said listen, my husband died. Because I don't know about Joel, I always drink behind my feelings. And I said listening, my husband died. they need me because i'm still legally his wife um to make arrangements for him she says no problem this is where i live i'll be outside waiting i picked her up we made the arrangements went back to my mother-in-law's house she says i have a commitment she said but i'm leaving you with another recovering person who happened i moved out and she was my neighbor for a good six years She used to go with my brother-in-law, and there was another recovering person up on the second floor. And we would have meetings on the steps, on our steps, okay, whenever we saw each other. And it was absolutely wonderful because things that I thought I was going to go to my grave with, I was able to share with these two women and vice versa, and it was just amazing. And, but anyway, going back to service, I was the alternate district secretary. And then we had another election and I became the district secretary, said, okay, I like this because I went from being a whole lot of lesses to a whole lot of bulls dependable reliable honorable uh and it was like okay and it was like oh call barbie she might know that not that and and the ego wasn't coming into place but it was life okay wealth of information you know cuz I pay attention to details you know that's that I believe is one of my best assets and I'll tell you more about that also, but I pay attention to details and I can remember things and where people were situated and what was said and who said it and who says this after the next one. And I like that about me, and I'm finding out that people do too. So anyway, I'm the district secretary, and this elder statesman Al Smith is still active on the district level and area level, he was saying, you know, this October there's going to be an election and nobody is going to stand for recording secretary and DCMs are going to caucus. What are you talking about? You know, every two years in the even number of years, Area 44 has an election. Am I getting ahead of myself? No. whatever so I went and they caucused and none of the DCMs came up with anybody from their district so Barbara Bridges became the recording secretary now if I thought my world had opened up when I went from my group to the district then I went to the area, it was like, oh my God, because now I'm not only just going to district events, I'm going to area events and regional events, 18 different regions, you know, from Maine, New Hampshire, what's that, the farthest state, New Hampshire, down to District of Columbia. And in my phone book, there are numbers from all 18 different reasons, and I love it. You know, I was sharing with somebody that last night a friend of mine was here from Massachusetts. She went to a step meeting up in South Orange, and I told her I may be 15 minutes early or 15 minutes late depending on my appointment time, and sure enough I was late, and I didn't see her. But when I walked in she was reading because I heard the Boston accent or Massachusetts accent, And she calls me Barbara, you know. And she announces, you know, they knew that she was new because they hadn't seen her before and she says, I'm waiting for Barbara B. They go, oh, Barbara B., oh, don't worry about it, she'll be here. She said she'll been here, she'll being here. And that's different. Girl, don' t depend on her. She ain't going to show up. Well, she may be late. You better hide your pocketbook and yada, yada. Boom, boom, boom. We're not depending on her for nothing at all. I don't know why you are. Your evidence will show don't depend on Barbara. It's not like that. And for that, I'm just extremely grateful. I don' t know. I'mjust less nervous. I'm glad that I'm here. I'm glad that I admitted complete defeat, you know, because that is the firm bedrock upon which happy, purposeful lives can be built, you know. And I think I'm happy and I thinkI have a purpose in life, you know. And for that, I'm extremely grateful. And I look forward to seeing you guys next week. Thank you. I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of September, speaking on steps three, four, and five, Barbara from Montclair. Right, Montclear? Thank you. Oh, wow. Hi, my name is Barbara Bridges and I'm an alcoholic. Hello. I want to thank God for all he has to offer. Again, thank the group for asking me to share for four consecutive weeks and allow me to participate in my recovery, something that I'm very grateful to do today in the now. I'm going to share on steps three, four, and five. Step three, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. I can remember coming into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and saying, what in the world does that mean? And I can remember throughout my life that I made a whole lot of different decisions, and they were always the wrong decisions. There was always something in it for me. It was always about me, you know, that self-centered, self-seeking, frightened, little self-pitying child. So when I came in here, and first of all told me I had to stop drinking, that I had admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, then you told meI was nuts, you know? I knew I was nuts. But the insanity part, I didn't know. But I kept coming, I kept going. I came to believe that there was a power greater than Barbara because a long time I didn't think that there was one. And then you said I had to make a decision, you know. So I'm smart or so I think and it's like okay. Then y'all told me the story about the frog, the three frogs on the log and made a decision how many have frogs on them on the logs and of course there was only two. Wrong. so I had to keep coming and like I said I had made a whole lot of decisions and I never got anything out of the deal and I was always let down I had make a decision to do this and it was wrong I made a decision to go right when I should have went left and I made the decision to go up when I shouldn't went down and they were all wrong So I initially had to find the evidence. I had to write things down. I hadと talk to my sponsor, my network and the people around me and other alcoholics and non-alcoholics and find out what are they talking about, what do they mean. And I said now, they said that they're not a religious program but they want me to believe in this and y'all said we don't want you to believe in anything, but we know that you need a power greater than yourself. And there were many powers greater than myself. My mom was a power bigger than myself and she let me down and the teacher was a tower greater than my self. My man was a palliative in myself. The rehab, the nut house, You know, the police that arrested me several times were powers greater than myself. And the decisions, anyway, it was a frightening proposition. And like I said, I needed the evidence. So this alcoholic had to write down what was going on. My thinking was so warped. I believe that people were supposed to take care of me. I shared that I was a spoiled brat and it was always about me, and you know, and y'all talking about being in harmony with others, and it Was like, do re mi, you know? And if I tell you about me the more I tell about me the better it'll be for me. You know, forget about you, forget abut others. It was always abut me And I just had to finally believe that either God was everything or he was nothing. That I had to build on the faith, that I had to find a faith the size of a mustard seed and just grow on that. And like I said, I had to think about the things I was going through and write them down and find the evidence on my own. And that was hard because I wasn't trusting, and I shared last week that I thought that the Baptist minister had tried to drown me, so why should I believe in anything? Like I said, I had to collect new evidence. I hadと change my thinking. I had то change my mind. I had to change all of my thoughts because they were warped. They were, you know, these two books, the 12 and 12 and this big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, they have some words in here that is like, please. Some of the words, you now, and my mind is blank so I can't remember the words But those of you that have read the 12 in 12 and those of you that read the first 164 pages know about the words I'm referring to. And did I say I was anxious? Is God going to come in and help me out here, please? I just need to say that again, you know. But any time I think that I have it going on, I'm just blocking him out. And, you Know, I need him. I need them. I just needs them to help me calm down. You know, it's so different. You know I believe that I carry this message. But it's something different when I can go out and people don't know Barbie Bridges. But it is something to be in here, in this meeting, that's very intimidating yet enjoyable, growth producing at the same time. And I know that when I reach the hour, I will be calm. But I still need to just call on his presence. And the blessing in between today and almost 12 years ago was that I didn't know that. I didn' t know that there was a God that would just love me for me. He wanted nothing from me, but he just wanted to show me that without him, I am nothing. But with him, i am everything and the more i believe that, the more I depend on him, the more independent i am and i become and in the world just gets larger and larger and larger and the possibilities are endless. I didn't know that. I didn' t know that um. I'm just glad that there is a God and I'm not it, you know, because for a long time I thought that I was the higher power. I really believe that if I rub my arm, I could tell you what time it was within five minutes before or after. I was a legend in my own mind. Today I wear a watch, and I just wait for God to present the presence that he gives me on a daily basis. Number one is waking up, listening for the still quiet voice, listening to the birds, watching the sun arise, you know, watching the sun set um watching it rise watching it set going to work on a cloudy day and saying that it's sunny somewhere else where did that come from because there was always a cloud i don't know who it was the comic strip character no who okay he always had a cloud over his head and so did i today it's not like that it's just wherever it is whether it's raining it's sunny somewhere and i can believe that today and and i'm grateful for it you know the third step talks about being willing and that is the key because I have self-will I may block God out but when I become in so much pain and things aren't going the way they should when I'm trying to manipulate the plan and plan the outcome When I'm not relying on God or as the book says, first of all, we had to quit playing God because we have a new employer. When I start playing God, I'm blocking out his son. I'm blockin' out the sunlight of the spirit and my life is a mess. When I just start depending on him more and more and become willing to let him be my employer instead of me saying, okay, well, Jameson, you got this part. You got to move a little bit to the right, to the left. And Mike, you've got this. And Cheryl, you do this. And I'm going to be the director, the producer. I'm just going to have all parts and do everything on my own and not trust in God to do what he does best, which is run my life. Then I'm a mess. I'm an absolute mess. And it's like, where do you go from here? You might as well be drunk. You know, you're not trusting. You're not believing. You're Not Willing. And it talks about being as willing as the dying could be, you know. That line is like, so am I willing? Am I willing to go to any length? Am I will to just do what's necessary, not only for me but where it benefits others am I willing to do something for somebody not tell anybody about it what that's changed because there was a time in my life if I did something for anybody everybody knew before it was even done you know and and I was going to be the teller you know today I can do things and I don't want any recognition, you know. And the first step talks about being humble and humbly admitting that we're powerless over alcohol. I had no humility. But I knew that I was sick. I knew that I Was dying and I also knew that alcohol had whipped me, had become my master and I needed a new master. And I needed also to go out and tell other people about how my life is now on a different keel. That I have somebody that loves me for me, that is non-judgmental, because I had to get this power greater than myself. Not my mom's power, not my family's power but I had to believe that the God as I understood him and understand him today is not judgmental. It's loving. He's always there. He may think that he's not but I know that he is always there and he answers everything that I ask of him. Maybe not in my time, but in the time when I'm ready to deal with it. Because I may say, oh God, give me a husband. And he gives me a husband and I say, ooh God, take the husband away because I am not ready to deal with And what I love about this third step and trying to incorporate it into my life on a daily basis is that it just gets bigger and bigger. And I can't emphasize enough about the more I depend on this higher power, The more I make a decision on a daily basis, on a continuous daily persistent basis, it's all right. I can start my day over. I can change my mind. I can just say, you know what? I'll get back to you on that. I don't have to be that old barber. You know, I can remember doing this step with sponsees and they were confused and what are you talking about? What do you mean if it's just a little bit at a time? Just, you know, make a decision. To do what? To do whatever. To not drink. To be a better person. to pause, to make a left, to just stop, to not do what you always did because if you always do that, then you're going to get what you've always got. And both books tell me that this step is vital. What a word, vital. It's crucial. How I do the third step depends on how I carry over into the remaining steps, and that tells me that this step is important because how can I, this alcoholic barber who had nothing wrong with them other than the drink, lies and garbage, make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I ain't going there. I ain'T going there, you know, I ainT telling nobody about my secrets, you know. The steps in the program Alcoholics Anonymous goes against everything and anything i ever learned in my life um i'm a survivor and and i fight night and i kick and i scratch and it's like you want me to be humble you want to admit that i'm crazy you want make a decision you want me to make restitution saw through prayer meditation and all of that stuff apologize they were wrong I'm not apologizing to anybody about anything they better apologize to me I have to change my mind I have the change my mind on a daily basis and I can remember coming in here and like I said I made a step meeting and so I don't so I so I don't confuse anybody newcomer old-timer like we all have to a lesser or greater degree the same character defects uh defects of characters the seven deadly sins if you want to go there and and they were warped they were going awry they were crazy and they Were God-given instincts and I just took them and just went crazy with them. Just went out of my mind and just went out of my mind. It says how who could be greedy enough to just eat themselves until they just fell out. I'm paraphrasing like that, you know. Who could be, you know, who could think that they, you know, let's talk about lust. You know, hiding it in the deep corners of my mind, you know, but I'm in love. No, baby, you are in lust. I ain't like that. You know? That wasn't ladylike. Ladies didn't lust. Right. Let's talk about silent scorn. I used to work at this huge institution where they dismissed me at the end of my drinking. I would have dismissed me too. They fired me. I wasn't a very good worker. And the book talks about that too, about I didn't know how to form a relationship with anybody. I was not a good worker, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife, sister, or anything, you know, because my drinking had just taken me to places where I don't even know how I got there. And it was like on a lot of different days, it was Maria that was doing it or Kabira or Miss B, but it was not Barbara, you And I had to look at me, and to make it simple, on a daily basis, I do a daily inventory. Now when I first came in here, and we do inventories, you know, it's like, okay, what am I wearing to work today? That's an inventory, you now. What am I going to eat for breakfast? What amI going to do when I go away? So I'm doing an inventory, and I'm packing this, and I'm packaging that. Now the book talks about doing inventory and getting rid of that stuff that's just no good, you know, that I just hold on because it's so familiar and it fits so well, you know. And it talks about getting rid of that and how do I do this? Why do I want to do this so I can be happier, so I I can live that joyous, happy, and free. So I can let go some of the things that block me from the sunlight of the spirit. Now, I'm an alcoholic, and trust me, they say the freedom is in the work. The freedom is within the steps. So I have selfish motives today. I want to get better, okay? So I do the work, and I enjoy doing the work some days. Some days it's very painful, but there's no gain without pain, and from the pain I become a better person. I can remember when I did my first fourth step, it talks about resentment being the number one offender, and they went on for years. Okay? Not days. I mean, I had a resentment with everybody I came into contact with, my first grade teacher. This is the first time that I went through the work. My first grade teaching, my second grade teacher, my third grade teacher and my mother, my father, all the kids in school because they didn't like me because I was a nerd and stupid. And I wasn't stupid, but I was an nerd and nerdy and just brown high-top shoes on the wrong feet. Nobody wanted me on their team and all of that stuff. And so I just had resentments. And what is a resentment? Something that I keep reliving and reliving over and over and I'm that innocent little angel with a tilted halo and you are just the worst person in the world. And so, I had to list all of those and I had the list, just list them down, straight down in the column. And then I had to say, well, what was the cause of my resentment? You know, and what did it affect? And most of all, what it affected was my self-esteem, my pride, my ego, my security. You know I had a resentment with my dad because he left the family. But of course it was like me, he left me. I have two older sisters and a brother and a mother, but he left make, you know. I had a resentment with my mother because she loved me too much. So I thought, how can somebody love you too much? You know, I had to resent it with my sister because she was lighter than me and smarter than me and had a better shape and she had bow legs. You know? I had resentment with myself. I had resentments with my brother, you know, because he hit me in the head with the pick, you know, when we was digging for gold. You know, I was four or five years old. You know but I just carried that over and then he lied to one of my boyfriends. He said my sister told me to tell you she wasn't home. You know and I told him. But anyway, I just had all of these resentments. I had a resentment with every man that I was ever involved with and trust me it was a lot of them. There was a lot of them. I had resentment with girlfriends because they got the boyfriend and I didn't. You know, I just had resentments up the gazoo, and it was a trip. I had fears initially the first time I went through the work that was just like, this doesn't even make sense. This just does not even make sens. And they talked about the sexual conduct. And it says most of all needed, most of us needed an overhaul in that area. And did I ever. Did I ever? I can remember, I'll tell one or two about this sexual conduct. Yeah. I was, I got married April 7th, 1979 for all the wrong reasons. Um, you know, he had a good job. I was 30 hitting 31. Everybody else was getting married and was like, why not? So I got married on Saturday. That Tuesday, he was like, oh my God, why did you marry that alcoholic? Now I always used to stop there. It was like you should have married his best friend, okay? So instead of marrying him, I slept with him, you know. That was the wrong thing to do. But my rationale and justification, some defects that I still try to get rid of, but sometimes it's very hard to get ride of those two, was like we had been married and he started cheating and my rationale was, okay, well, he cheating was good for the goose. It's good for The Gander. So he started cheatin'. So did I. My mom says, Bobby, you can't do that. Mothers know what they're talking about, y'all, most times. And it was like, why? She said, because he'll still be a man and you'll be a, I didn't want to believe that. And so to get back at him, and of course the person that I was, I had to let him know that I slept with his best friend. So not only did I harm, you know what I mean? Not only did I harm me, I harmed my husband, I harmed his friend, and it was just like that snowball effect all because the self-centered me, you know. And I can remember, I used to be a Buddhist also, and we were at this, not a Buddhist, a nudist. I was a Buddhist. I was a Buddhist I used to chant Nam-myoho-renge-ko Nam-nyoho renge-ko and with the beads and the Gohansan and all of that stuff and the five elements till one day something said you better get off of your knees chant into this Gohansen now and I did and I haven't chanted since not from the Gohanasan anyway but I used to be a nudist And there was, I think I was a Buddhist at the time. Wow, I was an nudist Buddhist. Oh, Lord. Anyway, and there was this wedding at the camp. And I knew that this person that I was with, and he was a high-up official, I knew That when they were taping the wedding, you know, videotaping it, I saw his license. I saw His car. And it was like, I'm not telling them. So when they showed us again later that night the film that they had taken, He says, Why didn't you tell me? well, you were supposed to do something for me and you didn't. And so they had to try to edit out that part of the license space. So like I just, I was a mess. I was, I wasn't, I didn't know what to do. I was just a horrible, horrible person. I was such a horrible horrible person and, and I, you know, I'm just glad that I have gotten better a day at a time. The things that I used to do then, I wouldn't even think about doing now. And that's all because of a loving and caring God that says, Barbara, you're created in my image. Don't go there. Don't goes there. Just stop. They talk about, you know, I just recently did another fifth step with a couple. And that was wonderful. A married couple that I believe is living in the sunlight of the spirit, that's happy, joyous, and free. I believe that their destiny or their, I won't say lot in life, but one of their missions or ministry is to help people to do this work and to find ways and means to become a better person. And I did my fourth step, part of my fourth steps with the two of them, and it was amazing. The sexual conduct I just did with the wife. And I know that the partner feels left out, you know. So maybe the next time around I'll do it with two couples and he'll be there, maybe. But anyway, so I have all of this down on paper and it's like, okay, now what do I do with all of this information? Who do I confide in? Who Do I tell this to? You know, who do I trust enough? Who has some of the similar issues or situations that I have? Have I really been as honest as I possibly can? Because, see, I want to be free. I wantto be free, you know, the 11-step talks about being a channel, you know, and when I think about me when I first came into Alcoholics anonymous. My life was like a pretty picture first, a rose that's a bud, okay, real closed and tight, and it got the thorns on it protecting itself. But I want to become a beautiful rose as you can see it that's opened up, okay? That to me is a pretty pictures. Another picture is my life was like that clogged sink okay the the resentment the bitterness the remorse the the self-loathing the the oh the just the ugly ugly stuff that i did and the people that i did it to and most of all to myself um and i want to be free i wantto be unclogged i want to be a channel, you know, like where there used to be a trickle, there's now a river and I'm flowing and I'M JUST DOING GOD'S WILL AND JUST LOVING IT YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE AND TO ME THE STEPS HELPED ME TO BECOME UNCLOCKED AND LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT WHEN I FIRST WORKED INTO THE DOORS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS I STARTED TELLING ON MYSELF BECAUSE I HAD A SPONSOR that had what I wanted, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. And the book also, I think it's like either three or four times, talks about willing to do it. To go to anything length. Okay, then there are certain steps, you know. And to me, one of the steps was telling somebody else what I had done. Now, it says admit it to God, to ourselves and another human being. Now, God, my God, already, and y'all's gods too, I guess, knows what I've done. He knows what Barbara Jean Johnson Bridges has done in her lifetime. He didn't leave me. I left him. So he knows what's going on. So it's like, well, why I got to tell somebody else? Why? Because one reason, going alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. Hmm. Okay. So I can justify the most crazy nonsense, so I have to admit that to somebody else. And they can have like the third dimension look on what I'm getting ready to tell them or told them so I don't think that I am the worst person in the world and that I can begin to get free And I can stop the isolation and I can become one with the God of my understanding. And it's like, what a blessing. The honesty that flowed from picking the first person that I told my fifth step to, that I admitted what I had done, and it was rough. And in my first one, I wanted to take the blame for everything and anything that had ever happened to me from the time I was a child. And I'm 55 years old. And I came in here 12 years ago, so I don't even know how old I was, 42? Okay. You're the math part. But I took the weight, and my sponsor said, you know this, uh-uh, you're not a martyr. You ain't the rich you think you are, but you're not a martyr either. So that's why it was important for me to find somebody that knew me that could let me know and show me what I couldn't see, show me What I Couldn't See. And going back to the fourth step, I was able to pick out patterns in my life. You know, if I thought, especially in relationships, because I had to do a fourth step on relationships because I always wanted one and didn't know how to be in one and still learning how to be because, see, I'm a runner. I'm running. You show me too much attention, it's like, oh, stop, stop. I'm going to run and then I'm gone and I can't deal. And I want to stick and stay, but fear says you better run, you know. And I wanted to get better in that area. But I was able to find patterns, and like I said, in my relationships. And it was always if I thought you were going to leave me, whether it be my best friend, whether it'd be a lover or anybody, a casual. If I thought he was going to lead me, I left first. because of the fear of abandonment. Instead of sticking and staying, there was a pattern about not trusting, you know. There were just a lot of different patterns that, and some are still hurtful today, but they have gotten better. they have gotten better. The fifth step talks about a freedom. It talks about the humility. It talks abut the end of isolation, and that's a blessing because I don't know if everyone was here last week, But I can isolate very well, and I can act like I'm okay, but I'm not, and I need people to teach me how to be real. And that's on a continuous basis. And I realize that today, andI no longer look at it like a liability. I look at i as an asset. that doing the work this time was freeing. I started it and I stopped, and that was not a good thing for me to do, especially in the middle of the fourth step. And I'm really grateful that people loved me and said, we need to finish the work. And things just kept getting in the way and kept getting in the away, but I finished it. And that was a blessing. That was a blessings that I just love. I can remember doing other four steps. And there's also questions in the big book on 62, especially about my sexual conduct. I keep coming back to that, about how did I arouse suspicions? You know, how did i create jealousy? You know what could i have done differently? You know and out of all of that and that and and i just need to say And I hope nobody hits on me when I'm finished, and I'm sure that you won't, because I'll shoot you if you do. No, I won't. Out of that, the sexual relations, it says, what could I have done differently? And most of my questions, my answers were, I could have been honest. I could've been honest, you know. I coulda been a little less self-seeking, you now. I couldve been honest I could, I, I could have been less frightened, you know. I could had a little bit more faith, you know. And I'm writing and developing the ideal. God, I wish this wasn't on tape. But I'm riding an ideal. Okay. Thank you. that felt good that felt real good well like I said I'm working on this sexual ideal and I know in God's time not my time that he will put the perfect mate into my life and I have to continue to be the perfect child of God in order to attract the perfect man. I don't mean being perfect, you know, got all the I's and of course all the T's, but I mean just being the best person I could possibly be right here today, September 11th. Wow. 2003, you now. And there's always more work to be done. and the blessing is today is that I'm willing to do the work, you know. And if nobody tells you, if no one said that it doesn't take a whole lot of willpower to do The Work or to become willing, my opinion, my being, that's crap because like I said, this goes against everything that I know, everything thatI'm comfortable with. You know, I have to start practicing the opposite of it. Is it easier today than it was 12 years ago? Yes. Thank God. You know, or I don't think I would still be here. And is it more fun today? Yes, because, see, I can laugh at myself and I can share things like I just shared and have no shame, no guilt, no remorse. Thank you, God. You know what? Thank you God. It's amazing. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is phenomenal. It works. How does it work? Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That's how it works. It works by me being honest, and I'm more honest today than I was when I first came in here because I thought I had to dress everything up. I thought if I told the half-truth, what's that, sense of omission? Half-true. I mean, I would half-struth you to death. You know, you wanted to know something, I Would Half-Truth You to Death. And it's so funny because if it has a name, it's been done. and probably better than I could ever do it myself. What if it has a name? Well, who do you think gave it the name? The person that did it. Oh, light bulb. You're not light bulb Anyway, I'm not unique. I really thought I was, you know. And on most days, my insides, my outside matches my inside and vice versa. You know, I'm no longer beer on the inside and champagne on the out, you know. What a parallel. Y'all know what I'm talking about. But it's like it feels good to feel good on the outside. It feels good to be there for a sponsee that trusts me enough to get down on their knees with me, to do a third-step prayer, to trust me enough, to confide in me. Barbara, thank you, God. You know, it's just amazing how this works. And the blessing is that there's a prayer that is like, help me to forget and help me not to open my mouth about anything that the person has told me. And it works. And another blessing is I don't have to carry what that person told me how, why. You know, God is awesome. God is Awesome. And I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings when I call my higher power by name. It is God because it says that there's one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now, now, you know. And I like finding him now because I can get lost in the source. You know, I was telling somebody, I had, I didn't have to. My boss says, Barbara, can you stay late? I said, yeah, not too late because I knew I had to do this and I didnít want to be harried or whatever, whatever, and I had the stay late and itís like, okay, itís 5.30. Okay, now itís 6 oíclock. Now itís 6.15. I want to go, you know, and my good friend, confidant, buddy, spiritual advisor, love, hugged me. My heart was, you Know, and I had went upstairs in the chapel, You know, and I tried to send it myself, and it was still beating. And I said, My mind is, I don't remember anything. My mind ist empty. It's just good, You Know. You know, let God speak through you. Let God speak to you, you know, and that's a blessing. I don't know. The program works. It works fine. Service work plays a huge part of my life. And I want to say I'm humble, but that would say that I'm not. But I like being there for others. And service is one way that I can give back what was so fully given to me. And it's one way, like God gave me the gift of sobriety and it's my way of giving the gift back to God and others because that's how God works. He works through you guys, you know. And that's where I see him. That's where i see him and I can remember just going to the district scared out of my mind and they're talking stuff that's like why am I here? Who cares? It's a thankless task. Why am I doing this? They're arguing, they're scaring me, and when it's over, they're laughing and joking and let's go for coffee at the diner. I won't go too. And would go and they would explain this was the process of how it happened. We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. What? Now you're really talking in riddles. You know, what are you talking about? I don't want to be here, you know, and I still don't like that person. I don' t like what they said, yadda, yada, boom, boom. Okay, well, if you don't lik e that person, Barbara, fix them coffee. Go to that person and ask them how they like their coffee. Get their coffee for them every time you see them. okay because see i was even willing then and and and i had a sponsor everything she said i would just take her out of work for it you know because she was just what i wanted to be and i need to say i've had four different sponsors and each one gave me what i needed at that particular time And they're all, except for one who doesn't make meetings, I pray for her on a daily. They gave me what I needed at that particular time. And I was so willing, if somebody had said, turn the fan off and on, off and on, and we're going to call it turn the pan off and off and anonymous, that's what I would have done because I wanted the pain to stop. And whatever it took for the pain to stop, I was willing to do it. And like I said, service played a part in my sobriety, and it still plays a part now. And like i said, going to the district and learning and meeting people that I had only heard about was awesome. There's this guy, John Hughes, who's been around for a long time. I can remember being encouraged to go to assemblies and going to assembles and I saw him and some of the guys from my home groups and women from my home group says, oh there's John Hughes and John gave them a dollar. Well he gives out money? What's that all about? And it was a running joke that John, they would say real nice things to John and he would give them a dollar and it was a laughing joke that John would pay people to say nice things about him. And it was just a joke but he would get out dollars. I thought it was true for about a year and a half, you know. I really thought it was true. I can remember being on a district level the treasurer not the treusurer the secretary for the committee and sending out notices and because I worked where I worked I had access to this book which had all of the detoxes in the state of Missouri the whole state and I was able to create a list of all the detox and mail flyers to the detoxes and the hospitals, inviting their clients to our Alcaton. What a pleasure. Mailing notices to people on a timely basis. Remember I said back then I wanted to be everything to everybody, you know? But it was a blessing to have an Alcatron and see people coming from different detoxes Hospital throughout the state of New Jersey, and the counselor saying, oh, I want to thank District 17 for sending us notices about this Alkathon. And you know what? They utilized them today. And you knows what? They don't even know where it came from. You know what, it's okay. As long as they're still doing something that was started, and not by me. It was not my idea. I just happened to have the vehicle that needed to be used at that time to send out the notice and they're still being done today, and that's a blessing. I can remember we have an archive in District 17 that's phenomenal because a whole lot of stuff happened right here in this area, right here In this area. And you guys are 34, but you used to be a part of 17 in South Orange. You know, we have a meeting list from South Orange, one of the oldest groups in the state of New Jersey, you know, in that country, really. You know, and just being a part of that, I can remember when Howard came down, who is a wealth, Howard G., who's a wealth of, he's a historian, please, he's an wonderful person, and he did a presentation on the big book. And we had left an assembly and went to District 17. Now, I'm talking dedication, perseverance, and all of that. We left an assemble from 9 to 4, went to the Big Book thing, Howard did his presentation, asked everybody not to smoke, and I was real happy that he did because I had stopped smoking at the time and still have stopped smoking. And it was wonderful just being a part of that, you know, So sacrifice, that's what it's all about. Sacrifice, sacrifice and more sacrifice, you know. God has just blessed me in so many ways, and I am just so eternally grateful. If you're not in service, if you want to know more about service, there's pamphlets, there's about the GSR, about the home group, aboutthe DCM. Our book talks about interaction, not just with the steps, but we can get into action by being there for the still-suffering alcoholics and know that what we do today is helping the alcoholic who is suffering right this day, both old-timer and a newcomer. I don't know. I think that's it. I want to thank you for letting me share. I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of September, speaking on steps 6, 7, 8, and 9, Barbara from Montclair. Hi, my name is Barbara Bridges and I'm an alcoholic. Hello. I want to thank God for everything. And again, thank you for asking me to do this and participate in my own recovery. It has been a joy. It really has been of joy. Remarkable things are happening in my life and I'm just amazed and truly, truly grateful and honored by the whole scenario. This week I'm supposed to share on steps 6, seven, eight, and nine. Six, seven, eight, nine. Four steps, two steps. But important steps. I can remember doing finishing up my fifth step and taking that quiet hour and reading in the book where it says about had I skimped on anything? What about building an arch and have I skimped? Did I forget anything? that I read the first five proposals and getting on my knees and saying, okay, am I ready? First time around, no. I was not ready. I wasnot entirely ready to have God move all these defects of character. No way, Jose. What am I going to do without pride? Who's going to take care of me? You know, how am Igoing to make it in the world? um, lust, flirting, um, arrogance. I need this to survive. It was like, now I know, I know up here that they block me. They, you know, it's like that, like that sink that's clogged and they're blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. But how am I going to survive without this stuff? How am I going to make it in the world? Who's going to take care of Barbara? You know, without the arrogance, without The Know-It-All system, I'm not trusting, you know. Even though I went through the third step and all that, what's going to happen to me? And if I ask, I know he's going to remove it, so I'll look like the hole in the donut. What's going to happen to me well you'll become a better person that's still in my head that's so in my head and i can remember leaving a sponsor a sponsor on in the in the seventh step because I wanted her to do it. And I left, and I stayed sick and stuck on stupid and still doing what I wanted to do, how I wanted it to do to whom I wanted do it with, where I wanted to do it with, and nothing was changing, and I was miserable. And I went back, and I said, I need help. It's funny. Step 6 and 7 in our big book is on page 76. And 8 and nine are there too. But the funny thing, it's not funny. It's like six and seven are two paragraphs. But I'm always in the middle of six and seventh. Help me out. I'm tired of doing this. Help Me Out. I am tired of being impatient. And in fact, my voice is She called me in the office a couple of weeks ago and said, Barbara, are you okay? And I said, yeah. You know, the fear is dead and not in the stomach. What did I do? Immediately, what did I go wrong? You know? I couldn't have done anything right, you know, but what did i do wrong, you know? I heard you on the phone with John, you know? I heard him talking to John on the phone, and what's the matter, you know, we were very short with him. And immediately the defenses went up and I said, okay, stay calm, stay calm, listen to what he has to say. And he said, we're to be the smoothing out ground when anybody calls, whether it's an attorney, whether it's one of the clients, whether it's my wife, my children or whoever. We're supposed to smooth everybody down before we give them to him. So I said to myself now in the back of my mind is let's look he's acting like he doesn't know who you are. You're the only man here and you know then the arrogance kicks right in. I said he, you're the only in my head. Youre the only He's here, so he's supposed to know what I'm talking about. And I had to check me, you know, because it's always me, and say, you know what? He's right. Apologize. The next day, I had called John and apologized to him. And as a result of doing that, John and I, we're not the best of friends, but I have a new respect for him, and he has a new respec for me, because guess what? He is one of the King's kids, just like I am. And I wouldn't want anybody to talk to me like I had talked to John. I called him everything short of an idiot. You know, he's not an idiot, he graduated from law school so he's not an Idiot, he may have been acting idiotic but that's still not my calling. I have to look at the part I played and all of that and like I said, I had to apologize. Now it's And we were born with instincts, instincts for sexual relationships, for relationships with people, for this, for that. And there's God-given instincts that for this alcoholic just went crazy, crazy. You know, like I had the pride. And it's like, well, everybody should have pride, you know. And I'm going to be flipping back 6-7, 6- 7, but it's, like, humility in my dictionary is the total absence of pride. What? But shouldn't I be proud of my nephew that came from a bad home and wanted, you know, went on to graduate from school, you know, because it's not even about your nephew. You know, you just want to be somebody that says, yeah, you go, you're a good aunt, you're a good aunt, you know. Because, you know, and that's the truth of the matter because I, me, helped him with his English and that, you know, for me, English is the key to it all because if you don't have the reading comprehension then you fall short in all areas. that's my thought. But it's like, how do I get from here being the arrogant person to being here the humble person, the trusting person? How do I go from changing my attitudes and my actions and behavior? It's like I have to ask. Okay. And I know that anything i ask the god of my understanding he gives it to me may not be when i want it but it happens and it is a process to go from here to there so if i'll use an example um i won't use the teapot which i happen to love that was used so i won'T go there so i'll choose like okay god Help me to be a better person, okay? Okay. All right. You want to be an Marine? Yeah. Ask to be Marine. I want to become a Marine. Okay. Boot camp. Running up and down hills. In the mud. In the cold, in the rain. Ten weeks. pumping up iron and backtracking in the mud and carrying rifles and this, that, and the other. Now do I still want to be a Marine? What I'm trying to say is that where there's no pain, there's not gain for me. And it's like, I want to do this. How do bodybuilders build up their bodies? A little bit at a time. They do this, the persistence, the perseverance, the dedication, the going to any length. You know, the book says that at least three, four times about going to anything. And sometimes the lengths are difficult. I can remember even in sobriety, holding on to a defective character, namely lust. And I was dealing with a married man. And I didn't want to hear anything. I was happy. So what if I was taking all his time and stealing from his children and his wife and his grandchildren and everybody else? else, I didn't care. I was happy and I was stuck on stupid. And I almost got totally humiliated because I don't like to ride on Main Street in Orange, East Orange, West Orange. I really don't. I try to avoid it as much as possible. And for some unknown reason, I'll call it unknown. Y'all know what it was. I ended up on Main street and I ended up in back of him, in back of his car. I saw the player. Oh my God. Saw the player? Hmm. Who's that? Oh, that's his wife. Hmm. And in that instant it was like, thank you God. Because just like I saw her in the car with her husband she could have seen me in the car roped up with her husband, and I had to stop. And I went home, and I was willing as only the dying could be, and I said, God, help me. I am now ready that you will remove from me every single defective character. And sometimes they're easier than others. Some of my worst glaring character defects, God removed them. How did he remove them? He just did it. And I don't even question that. My biggest defective character was removed just like that. And I believe that it was because I was dying and that was my drinking. And it's like, why can't he remove the rest of them like that? This is easy because I don't believe they're life threatening. And until they become life threatening, then I want to just hold on, hold on and hold on until it's like, okay, help me out, help me out. I believe that, that God has a plan for all of our lives. And I believe that that plan is for us to be more like him. And the way that we become more like him is we become, I think you said it, just give everything over to him. Everything, everything, everything. Like I said, some things I wanted to hold on to, but it was like, you can't do that. You have to become willing to let it go. And then sometimes that's what I have to be. I haveと be willing to just let it go and it's like okay. And it seems like in my history and my evidence that most things that I became willing to Let Go of had claw marks on them because they were so much a part of me. Now, I drank, not to use this as an excuse, but I drank from the time I was 13 to the time I believe I was 41. That's a long time. And so I had some ideas about how things were supposed to be done in life that were twisted. The book said warp, you you know, what? That book. And some of the words, it's like, oh. But they're all true. They're all applicable to me anyway. They're all applicable for me. And it gets scary. It gets scary, yeah. So I took all of this insane, idiotic, I don't care, I won't give a hoot about you, your mama, your daddy, or anybody else. It's all about me. It's All About Me. And I just wreaked havoc. That's some more words from the book. Wreaked havoc, you know, through everybody that I met, you know, and it was a trip. It was a trib. I remember my first four step. I had resentment of the kazoo. I mean, I had resentments. Oh, God. I had fears. I had prejudices. I had against, what's that? Even against doctrines, I have prejudices against those and against principles. I hated the cops, you know. I did. You know, they locked me up twice. You know, not, you know, God forbid, you know, it's like I was doing the wrong thing. But, you know, I thought that I could get by with my beautiful smile and everything, you know, show him a little bit of leg and everything would be fine, you know. I do remember my old man had a 280Z with a T-roof and I'm on Main Street in West. I mean, that's one reason I don't like what more to be revealed. I'm doing like 50 miles an hour on Main Street and he stopped me right in front of the Edison Museum. Where are you going? Oh, just got a new clutch and testing it out, you know. He says, well, you how fast you were going? It's a 25 mile hour speed zone. I had on a skirt. I just showed him some leg, you You know, and I saw nothing wrong with that. I saw something wrong with it. I don't know why I put that up, but I saw nothing wrong that, but anyway... Oh, boy. Anyway, I want to read a story about this little girl They had this little imitation pearl necklace. And her dad kept asking her for it, and she kept refusing him. And it says the cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them. A circle of glistening white pearls and a pink foil box. Oh please mommy, can I have them? Please mommy, please. Lord, that reminds me of me. Quickly the mother checked the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. $1.95, that's almost $2. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday is only a week away and you might get another Chris dollar from Grandma. As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her piggy bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for 10 cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, and even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet they might turn her neck green. Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, do you love me? Oh yes, Daddy, you know that I love you. Then give me your pearls. Oh Daddy, not my pearls, but you can have Princess, The white horse from my collection The one with the pink tail Remember daddy The one you gave me She's my very favorite That's okay honey Daddy loves you Good night About a week later after story time Jenny's daddy again asked Do you love me Daddy you know I love you Then give me your pearls Oh daddy not my pearls But you can have my baby doll the brand new one I got for my birthday. She's beautiful, and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper. That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you. And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss. A few nights later, when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed, Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. What is it, Jenny? What's the matter? Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her hand up to her daddy. When she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, Here, Daddy, this is for you. With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure. So it is with God. He is waiting for us to give of the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures. Isn't our higher power good? Are you holding on to things that our Creator wants you to let go of? Are you hold on to harmful or unnecessary relationships, habits and activities that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let-go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing. God will never take anything, God will never take something without giving you something better in its place, you know. And I believe that, I believe that with all my heart, you know, I shared that I was not one arrogant, self-centered, self seeking and sister, you know. And going from self-centered to God-centered is a journey. It's a joy. It's painful, but it's so worth the effort. It's so work the journey. It's work the destination. And it just feels better, and it feels better. and I can remember, like I said, just wreaking havoc in everybody's life and having to become willing to make a list of all people that I had harmed and became willing to amends to them all. There are two alls in that step, you know. A friend of mine says, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all, you know. I said, no, sweetie, to them all. You know, we may have to make amends for them all. you know, for stealing or for whatever, but the step does not say that. And I can remember, like I said, when I did my first four-step, the resentments were they just went on and on andon forever. And where do I get this list for my fourth step? You know, and through the process of the fifth step, I start becoming healed. and believe that I can be healed, and I start forgiving myself so I can forgive others. And in the process of making the list, it only asked me to make a list and become willing. You know, just make a risk and become one. And that list, the first time, because I couldn't just say mommy, daddy, Bernie, Rainy, Walter, Jason, you know, this one, that one, that one and just write the name. I had to write why, you now? And I had be thorough and honest and muster up all the courage that I knew my Creator had given me and it was painful. It was painful But while I was willing, God was working it out. He was healing me. He was preparing me to just become what he had wanted me to become, to give up the dime store stuff, stop holding on to that, and to drop the rock and become willing. You like that? Drop the rock. You guys heard that expression, I'm sure, of dropping the rock, okay. And I lost my train of thought. I was going to tell a story about dropping the rock, but I don't think it's appropriate. No. No, it's not an appropriate story. It really isn't. Maybe. Maybe for you. Well, like I said, I had to become willing. And I can remember I thought in my arrogance and my know-it-allism that I didn't hurt anybody by my drinking. Not at all. I didn' t bother anybody. And at the end, I have become a recluse, reclue or whatever, a loner, isolator. And I didn''t want to share my drinking with anybody. I didn't want to go to bars because it was taking up too much time and I was looking too bad. You know, I went from being the person where everybody was around to the person that everybody was avoiding, you know, because I had went from this beautiful, gorgeous creature to this animal. And I knew it, you Know. And I can remember singing a whole lot of sad songs, and one of them was, it wasn't a sad song, it was Michael Jackson's I'm Looking at the Man in the Mirror. and I'm asking him to change his ways. And I would drink in front of the mirror in my bedroom, you know, and I got tired of that, and I just put a sheet over the door, you know, because I had, anyway, I like mirrors, you know, I really liked them then. And I just, you know, I just put sheets and pillowcases over all the mirrors, because I didn't like when I was, I didn' t like what I had become. And I wreaked havoc wherever I went, and I can remember going out making some amends. And I had to make sure that I was spiritually fit. I had make sure I was on the AA beam. I had made sure that ran it past somebody that had more experience in this program than I did. And I can remember one of them was my boss. He trusted me. I was there from the inception of his position. He ran a lot of things past me, and I heard this man because he trusted me, and I just lied, and i lied. And I asked him, I had gotten released, fired from my position. And I think, I don't know how much time I had in the program, but I called him and I told him I wanted to talk to him and have lunch. And we were supposed to go one particular day. And something came up on his schedule and he couldn't make it. And he waited until the following week. And I know today that that was a guy taking care of me. I was out of doubt. We met, and I told him that I was an Alcoholics Anonymous. I told them what the program was. I told Him what I was doing it and why I was doing it, and made amends to him and asked him was there anything that he needed to tell me, and he accepted it graciously, and that was happy. You know, all of them did not go like that. Some of the people said, get away from me. And some of them said, don't even try it, you know. And I said, you now what? That's okay. I'm cleaning off my side of the street. But I was emotionally ready to deal with anything they had to say because I was. I was just prepared to do that. And some amends I could not make. My husband was dead, so I couldn't make direct amends to him. So I wrote a letter, and I went to his grave site and shared that with him. And I amended my behavior. It was like, okay, I didn't mess with anybody else's guy. Okay? And that was how I chose to do that. I can remember my most difficult amends was to my mother, you know. She was there with me throughout two rehabs. She came to my aftercare group. I had to share my life story from the first time I picked up a drink to the first times I picked whatever I picked and it was very painful. And she was just there, and I stole from her at the end of my addiction. That amends was to me the most frightening, the most terrifying. She's my mother. She loves me and she says, Bobby, I love you. I'm just glad that you're doing the right thing today. And if you go out again, I'm going to spank you. You know, and I've never had a spanking, you know. I made amends to my dad, and a continuous amends. And my dad left the family when I thought I was 10. My mom said I was 6. So there's four years that I don't know where they are, and I don' t go looking for them. And so I was very angry and very spiteful and nasty to my dad, And I just took and took and never gave him anything. But my attitude, my horrible attitude, and I made amends to him. And I can remember, I was glad that I did make amends to my dad because he became a better parent and I became a better daughter as a result. And I Can Remember When He Got Sick, there was no way I could go to the hospital and take care of him. I could go to the nursing home and take care of him and shave him and cut his hair and clip his toenails without any animosity, with nothing but love. And when he said, Bobby, I don't want to live any longer. I don' t like the life I'm living. He had his leg amputated twice, and I was able to respect his wishes and be okay with his decision. Now, I believe if I was still holding on to all of that sickness and the resentments and remorse and the animosity that I had towards him, I would have been a wreck. Now, true, I grieved the loss of my dad, but it was one without any regret, any remorse. it was one that my conscience was clear. My conscience was clear I would have been the best daughter to him possible. Now there are some amends I don't believe I'll ever make or, and of course I think that they were truly, this is made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. And some of them I just can't make. and so what I do in that case is I just behave differently and I change my behavior I just recently did a fourth and fifth step and there are some new people on this list and I am praying for the willingness to make amends to them all and I know that I will I know it's really weird I'm involved in service and heavily involved in service and loving every minute of it. And there are some people in service. I'm sorry, there are some people on Alcoholics Anonymous on that list. And I am becoming willing to make amends to them also because I do believe that they are God's creatures, God's children, my brothers, my sisters, whether they be black, white, blue, purple, whatever. They're some of my brothers and sisters. I know that God wants me to be a maximum service to him and others, and I know that what he has in store for me is greater than I can ever imagine for myself. If I had asked what I wanted from recovery, I would have shortchanged myself and and the wonderful part for me about that seven step prayer is that it goes into the ninth step because it talks about my creator I am willing that you have all been good and bad I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character that stands in where my usefulness to you and to others and the ninth step helps me to mend those relationships it with others and go about and be of maximum service to God. This last time around, I got a list of the defects of characters and practicing the opposite of those. And then I got an assignment about what am I willing to do to change, to go on from self-centered to God-centered, and what am i willing to do. And because I'm anal and because I still strive for perfection and not progress, you know, it's an honest program, I do, you know. I'm being diligent and painstaking about doing that you know it's like because every single defective character that's on there i have it you know or and sometimes i think if i don't i'll go looking for it and say oh yeah well i have been true you know because you know the hazard name has been done if it's you know and and i'll say this i can remember my first sponsor had me go to the dictionary and start with A and end with Z and find every defective character that applied to me. Well, I didn't like that. I did not like that because it was horrible. It was horrible, you know. It was just absolutely horrible. But I do like the promises that happen as a result of doing the work, of doing The Ninth Step. And it's as if we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through we will know a new freedom and a new happiness you know will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it we'll comprehend the word serenity now i don't like pain but i do like being serene i really really like i like that you know i have no problem i live by myself but i have no problem getting up on a saturday and not turning on the tv and not turning on radio and just listening you know i i get up every morning at 20 to 7 and listen you know my phone rings at seven it's my prayer partner and we pray together she prays i pray then we hang up Then I'd listen some more. Then I'll read the 11th step and find out, you know, where is my day headed? Where is my way? Where is it my day at it? And on most days, I'm headed for some kind of service work. If not service work, it's like, okay, you need to call a sponsee, find out how she's doing with that assignment that I got from somebody else that I passed on because that's what it's all about. If I have to do the work, so do they. And that's how I get better and that's how they get better. That's how we get better about doing the work. Doing the work and it's always more work to be done. It's always more work to be done um it just is and and I like that you know um I I think I mentioned about this flying at one level and then okay all right this is cool this is cool, but if I go higher, I can see even more. And I want to see more, you know, because I'm also nosy. You know, I want to see law, you know, and why limit God? There's no limits on God. There's no limits on God, you know, he is everything, everything, and then some, you know. He is just everything. I mentioned I was in service and I can remember standing for area chair. Now, oh, I was talking with the sister over there about service and it's like, oh, you want to get humble? Get involved in service. Get involved in service and I was telling, I was talking to this guy at the convention several years back, about five years ago and we're talking, we're having a ball and he's explaining he's a newcomer and I'm talking because some days I feel like a newcomers and we were talking and we talked and then later on that evening i'm on the dais and i have to introduce all of area 44 the officers the standing committees did this to that and he sees me afterwards because i asked him i like i love to dance and i asked them to save me a dance later later on that evening he saw me oh my god you didn't tell me you were a big shot i said no honey i'm not a big child i'm down here on the podium one Sean and I'm shy, you know, so I'm not, I am not a big shot. But anyway, uh, I can remember standing for area chair and, um, being responsible, um. And listening to people saying this is wrong, that's wrong, how you do this and this is not right and that's not right. And waiting for you're doing a good job never heard it that's not true maybe once or twice but you don't when things are going right nobody says anything but when things are going wrong trust me you hear it from all over the place um but the blessing is is being able to still ask questions. How do you do this? How do You do that? And maintaining and keeping track of what's coming up in the next three months, what needs to be done three months after that, keeping the agenda for the officer's meeting, the joint unity meeting, the area committee, knowing what happens at a midwinter luncheon, when does the convention speakers need to, you know, when do flyers need to go out, what about this and what about that, but having the experience of Area 44. Now, Area 44 is as far south as Barnegat Lake, okay? And I believe it's even a town below that. and as far north as Suffolk, Belvedere, and beyond that. Now, it's 1,200 groups, 30,000 recovering alcoholics or recovered alcoholics. We know there's more than that, okay? And New Jersey is small in size but is densely populated, And I believe that we are number one in the country when it comes to having the most alcoholics in it. Go figure. And we in Area 44, we really carry the message. And one of the ways that they carry the messages is through the literature and the grapevine. and they literally carry the message. I called our area chair earlier today, and I have the conference final agenda back in the back. And in my haste and excitement, I ordered, I double-ordered. So they are on their way to the area office now to pick up cartons of those books to take to the convention to make sure that the word gets out. And the Literature Committee, in addition to carrying the AA Conference-approved literature, are willing to help Barbara, me, carry those books so the AA member can find out what happened at the General Service Conference. And for that I'm grateful. You know, there's – I mean, I had to be responsible for the assemblies and not just myself but the officers in general. But it was myself as chair I was responsible to put together the agenda for an assembly and to make sure that people participated, that we had speakers sharing on different topics. This January, I'm into the future, but planning, not projecting. This January, well, actually the theme for the conference is Our Singleness of Purpose, AA, the Cornerstone of AA. So this January we're going to be talking about our singleness of purpose yet again, and then I have GSRs or DCMs, GSR as a General Service Representative, DCM as a District Committee Member, talking about different topics about our singleness of purpose and hoping that we maintain our singleness of purpose. What I'm trying to say in keeping it short is that service work keeps me busy. It keeps me outside of myself. It keeps my life size because just as soon as I think I have it going on, just as sure as I'm a big shot, I have to take out the garbage and put it in the dumpster. Because, you know, everybody else is gone and we don't want to leave the garbage in the office because you leave garbage, you know, about holding on to old ideas and stuff. You know how it starts to fester when garbage starts to stink. So I have to, you know, take the garbage out just like I had to get rid of the garbage in me. You know, I had to take out the garbage at the area office. And that's no problem. I met some wonderful people. Being chair, where we had a corresponding secretary and a recording secretary, and one of the requirements of the corresponding secretary and the recording secretary is that they work very closely together. And my corresponding secretary, my recording secretary, got engaged. Okay? And we were having an October assembly, and we had to change the October assembly because they were getting married that October on a Saturday. And it was like, we're going to be there. So, and they're here tonight, and I love them. i love them dearly you know they i i'm you know how you you meet people and it was like a magnet it was a magnet i just you know met them at gizmo you know got cards from gizmone it was just a wonderful wonderful thing just i just met some very very wonderful spiritual And for that, I'm just truly grateful. My life changed. It opened up. I started with becoming the area chair. It opened Up. Not only did it go outside of my group, it went outside of my district. Then it went out to my area because I got involved with area event, and I started going to NARASA's, which are Northeast Regional Alcoholics Anonymous Service Assembly. Okay? And that's like, and it's 12 different areas, 12 different states, including the District of Columbia, but 18 different areas. So I started meeting people from 18 different areas. So if I go to Vermont, trust me, there's somebody I know in Vermont I can call. If I go into Rhode Island, Connecticut, Delaware, Pennsylvania, you name it, I can cause somebody. And the blessing is, oh, by the way, Paula said hi, y'all. She misses this group. And I have people come in from out of town and I can take them to a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. I love it. You know, it's great. It's great, and I – it's like people who normally would not have mixed do I have friends I have not yet met, you know. And I can walk into a room, like, next month. Look, and this weekend there is our state convention. In October, NERC, Northeast Regional Convention, is coming up. And I'm going to go to South Jersey and Mount Laurel, and I'm gonna see people from those 18 different regions, and it's gonna be like, wow. And I know I'm not gonna have a ball because people haven't seen since the last NERCC or NARACA, and it'S like, what you doing? How you been? And, you know, what's up, 6-7? What's up 6- 7? What's Up 6- seven? You know, cause there's always 6-seven. I'm always trying, right, Jamie? I'm all ways. Six, seven, six, seven? I believe because this is a process, because it is progress, not perfection, I'll always be in the middle of six, six and six, and seven. Will I have to add to my list? I hope not, but the reality is yes, I will, you know. And then maybe one day I won't. Who knows? Progress, not perfection. This has been great. This has really been great I feel like I'm searching so I am going to stop and say thank you very much. I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of September speaking on steps 10, 11 and 12 Barbara from Montclair Hi, my name is Barbara Bridges and I'm an alcoholic. Hello. First things first, I want to thank God for everything he has to offer. Again, I want to thank this group for allowing me to participate in its group, but more importantly, allowing me to participate in my own recovery. And for that, I'm truly grateful. I'm anxious, I'm anxious and my head is all over the place because I'm not staying in the moment in the now when I'm off into Saturday I need to say that. We're giving a retreat and because I am not drinking a day at a time people love me and they want to help me and my recovery, and I met them today. I'm a giver, and it's difficult at times for me to accept people's kindness and their love. And I mentioned that we were giving a retreat, and my prayer partner volunteered to make brownies. Couldn't pass that up. And I said, fine. And my mom, I told my mom about it, and she volunteered to make the macaroni salad. So I purchased the ingredients for my mother and took those by there tonight and worked this until 530. So I've been running and running, and I'm trying to center myself to do what it is that needs to be done. But I know through a lot of evidence that if I ask, God will remove me and he will come in and do what needs to be done. I have seen the evidence of that several times. I've seen the evidenced of that in this room, in this meeting. And initially when Mike asked me to come and share my experience, strength, and hope for four weeks, fear set in. A little self-esteem kicked in. I'm not good enough, and why did they ask me? And I said no. And no, first I said, oh, sure, yes. Thought about it. no i call mike no i'm not doing it um some people from out of town were visiting and i brought them to this meeting and they overheard me tell mike no and they said whatever and i said yes mike i'll do it the first week oh my goodness but each week it got better and better and better and I come to realize that it's a joy to be here right now in the present sharing me with you and that's how I recover you know it says that we're people that normally would not have mixed and for that I'm grateful I was at the convention this weekend And you're talking about people who would not have mixed. It was absolutely awesome. I had on this beautiful gown, and I took a picture on a motorcycle, you know, Saturday night. But just the energy that was there, just all different types of energy, and it was wonderful. And I just went from here to there to here to here. And it was wonderful, but I'm here tonight to share on steps 10, 11, and 12. And what a joy, you know? It's like, okay, you have been through the first nine steps. Now, it's time to start living. It's time for you to be able to do what you love. To, um, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, you're no. I have taken off the dark glasses, and will the real barber please step up and be accounted for? And those first nine steps were a blessing. You know, I can look at it as a curse, but it got me in touch with me, and it says that are these extravagant promises? We think not. They will always materialize if we work for them. So it tells me, okay, well, you know, and what I love about this book is that after the fourth and fifth steps, okay, we made a little, I'm paraphrasing, okay. We made a littler, littler beginning, okay? Wow, after all of that, it's just a littter, littter beginning? Yep, you now, and it says we're always materialized if we work for them. And so it tells me that there's still more work to be done. And it's about practical experience, day-to-day living. How can I maintain, sustain, keep up? And I don't want to maintain because I just don't want to contain anything. I'm always striving for progress, not perfection. And I always want to view life differently today than I did yesterday, so it just tells me that I have to keep striving for spiritual progress. Striving for spiritual process and in fact, my favorite part of the 12th step and I'm going to be bouncing from here to there to here to 10, 11, and 12. My favorite part on the 12 step and the 12 and 12, I believe is on page 114 where it says is still more spiritual progress. That's the answer. That's The Key, still more spiritual progress because the view from say 5,000 feet 500 feet it's okay for a minute but 1,000 looks better 2,000 is even better and the book also tells me I can't rest on my laurels. What? No you can't You know, because that sick and suffering person whose spirit was truly dead will drink again. So I have to keep striving to be the better person, striving to do the right thing. And I'll say for the right reason, and at the beginning it was a struggle to be nice if somebody cut me off. It was a trouble to be nicer, just to be nicest, you know, because it just went against my brain. It just went agains my brain, if I was nice, you guys would think I was a punk. So and what I like about is that it brings us into the tenth step. In that paragraph, I believe it's at least four or five continues. It says we continue to look for this, we continue the set things right. And we continued, okay, 10 steps. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I need to tell you guys a story about a recent promptly that it was my promptly. It may not have been your promptly but it was mine promptly because I had to go through what I had to go through, and because my spirit is awake, I can't hold on to anger, resentment, bitterness, remorse for too long a period of time, because I become blocked. I become sick. I become dark, and I don't like me, you know? And my stomach will get so I can eat, and it's just horrible. And a very good friend of mine is sick and has been sick. And he didn't tell me that he was sick as he was. He finally told me, and I got an attitude. Oh, Lord, did I ever get an attitude? Now, he's sick. He's very sick. He's dying. Okay, that's the exact nature. He's lying. and me, me, me, I cursed him out because he didn't tell me he was sick. I cursed him out. I was so angry and then every time I would get over the anger another resentment would pop up and another one and another one and it was like oh my goodness. So I stayed sick and And I went to the hospital. And people had said, well, you don't have to apologize. You know, he should have told you. He should have taught you. And I'm saying, spirit said, you need to tell him you're sorry for the way you behaved. And I was in the hospital and I went back to the doctor. I went into the hospital because I listened because in my morning meditation, and his name kept coming up, his name kept coming everywhere I went people were saying how so and so how so so I can't ignore I can ignore the still voice I can because I have the conscious contact and I have a subconscious contact too and so I went to the hospital and I said hi, how you doing? I'm fine. You know what's wrong with you? Yeah. So he told me what was wrong with him and he said, no, I have something to tell you. I said, before you tell me, I need to apologize for my behavior the last time I was here. It was very inappropriate. I didn't have the right and I just hoped that you would find it in your heart to forgive me, and he did, and we cried. He said that his only regret was that he didn't ask me to marry him. And, uh, and I was just glad that I had said, said everything right, you know, because I have to do that for me. It's like, I have to do the right thing. If nobody else does the right thing, if nobody else, if everybody else is jumping off a cliff. I have to stay on this side because I want to live today. And the steps tell me you, in order to keep what you have, in order to stay On The Spiritual Path, there are certain things I have to do, you know, and I'm grateful for that. What I love about this step also is it talks about love and tolerance, tolerating people. And it also, for me, it talks about open-mindedness and willingness to just listen, to be there, to listen to somebody. And I borrow from other programs, and when I was new in recovery, it was like, how do you, okay, God, how do You, how Do You do a personal inventory? You know, how do you find out what's wrong and found out what was wrong and what's right? And it's just as simple as, did you call your sponsor today? Do you owe somebody an apology? Did you help somebody there? Did you do something differently today than you did last week or last month or last year? And when I came in here, I didn't know anything about self-examination because nothing was wrong with me. You know, it's always somebody else's fault. I didn't know anything about meditation and prayer because you all heard my story. I left God when I was 13 when the Baptist minister tried to drown me, okay? So I had nothing, you know, and I didn'T pray and everything that I got out of, I got me out of it and I believed it. I was a legend in my own mind but today I know that I'm not And I know that without God, I am nothing. And I also know, thank you, Mike. I also knew that the more that I depend on God, the better off I am. The more I depend upon God, the better of I am and for that I'm truly grateful. It talks about sort through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. And praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Now, the word talk to me means to seek and to seek in his seat. And when I think about meditation, I think about listening. Listening to something that's very quiet and I need to be still. And I need it. I need me to be still and get refilled with God. Just like if I'm driving all over the place in my automobile and I look at the tank and it's running on E, I better fill it up. Well, I better fill up my life listening to what God has to say to me. Get out of the way. Listen to the still, quiet voice. And with that, I would ask you to please indulge me because I want to do... What's been going on in my morning meditation recently for the past two weeks is this song. I'm not going to sing, okay? It's this song that this woman wrote, and I go on a lot of different retreats. And this song says, I release and I let go. I let spirit run my life. I am free in the spirit. Yes, I'm only here for God. No more struggle and no more strife. With my faith, I see the light. I are free in the spirit. Yes, I'm only here for God. So I want to, if you guys will indulge me, slow that down. Do a couple of inhales and exhales. Closing your eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I release and I let go. I let spirit run my life. I am free in the spirit. Yes, I'm only here for God. No more struggle. No more strife. With my faith, I see the light. I am free in the spirit. Yes, I'm only here for God. No more struggle. No more strife. With my faith, I see the light. I am free. I am free in the spirit. Yes, I'm only here for God. Thank you, Spirit. Thank you, spirit. Thank You, Spirit, thank you, Thank you, thank you, what a joy to release, thank you you know I didn't know that I could take any request that I had for myself for my loved ones for those that I don't love to God and just leave it there with him, and he would take care of it like better than I ever could. It tells me that I can pray for others with no motives, being divorced, separated, severed from wrong motives, from self-seeking motives, from dishonesty, being divorced. And I could pray for myself and that God cares about everything, the smallest thing if I do, if I due, that for that person that is still sick, that is Still Suffering, That God will just take care of them better than I ever could, better than I ever. It talks about the power to carry that out and when I think about that I think about the decision that I made in the third step to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understood him. Now you know I was full of self-will but this tells me that i'm getting my will back and i can align my will with god what a blessing that he's he's there he's holding me think about footprints he is holding me Um, sometimes I don't always want to do the power to carry that out. Because sometimes, you know, the book tells me that first of all, I have to stop playing God. Okay? Why? It didn't work. Okay? Sometimes I think that it does work. And I may be praying for the power to carry that out, and God will give me the power to carry it out, but I've got an attitude with that person. Well, I'm thinking this person ain't worthy, so what am I doing? I'm playing God. I'm paying that big shot, and I need to stop. I need to just stop doing that. The 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. By the time I get to the 12th Step, my spirit is awake. I know right from wrong, left from right. I know when my behavior is not appropriate. I know that I have to take what I learned and incorporate it in my everyday life and I haveと give it away. Now, how do I give that away? Where's Ryan? I believe you read it. It talks about the premise of this group, this group right here, and I'm not going to try and paraphrase. Let's talk about the practical experience. This practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion. Carry this message to alcoholics. You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember, they are very ill. Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover. To see them help others. To watch loneliness vanish. To see a fellowship grow up about you. to have a host of friends this is an experience you must not miss we know you will not want to miss it frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives adam talked about that george talked aboutthat today mike talked about it i can remember i had the experience a couple Mondays ago of sharing at a group anniversary, and before I left my home, someone called me, and they had a three-way, and it was a woman that wanted to make a meeting but was scared. And he said, well, Barbara, are you sharing at this anniversary? I said, yeah. And I says, well ask the woman where did she live, and she told me i says i'll pick you up and she says no i'll meet you there so i've had experience there and i'm saying okay you know so meet me there so I you know I got out the way and left it in God's hands and sure enough I got to the meeting you know y'all I came early and I got to the Meeting and uh I looked up and I saw this woman walking in the door with that hesitant look that i had you know and it's like why are these people laughing why are they happy you know they must be laughing at me you know um and sure enough it was the woman and all i told her is that i have mixed gray hair you know there were several other women there with mixed gray hair and sure now i got up and i asked what's her name what it is and she told me yes and And, you know, she said, oh, you're speaking? I said, yes, I am. And I introduced her to some women. I got her a pamphlet, questions on sponsorship, and I introduced it to the women. And a couple of my sponsees were there. She happened to work with one of them. God working already. And so I sat him at the table, and she had a ball. A couple days later, you Know, everybody got her phone number, gave her their phone number. I'm one, let me have your number, you know, because I know how difficult it is to call a stranger because I knew for myself that it was like, you guys don't want to hear a thing that I have to say and if I call you, what am I going to say? So I took her number and I called her and a couple days later she called me And she had been to two more meetings by that day. That was on a Wednesday, and she came to the step meeting on that Wednesday. And that Wednesday night, she called me and she asked me to sponsor her. So I'm still sick. I asked her why. I said, why did you ask me? You know, there were a whole lot of other women there. Why did you have to ask me to do this? ask me. And she said, because you showed me compassion. You know, you talked to me on the phone. You asked me for my number. You were the only woman there that did. And you listened to what I had to say. I took her home that evening. It was raining to beat the band. I sat in the car and I told her my story. Just like when it says working with Now, I didn't know her from a can of paint, but I knew that she was a suffering alcoholic. And it was like she was just like me, you know, when I first came around. And she asked me, like I said, she asked to be her sponsor. And I told her that I would be. And I also asked her to read the questions and answers on sponsorship. And I explained to her that I was busy and that a lot of days she may call me and I may not be available, but I have a telephone and an answering machine. And I suggested that she also get a network of women, you know. Pretty soon you can incorporate the men, but right now, you're not. Because she told me part of her story also. So right now you just need to be with the women, you know. I don't know. It's so many ways to do the 12th step. It's så many different ways. It's só many different spiritual experiences. But one thing I know for sure that the spiritual experience that I have had is that I can do and feel and be something that I could never feel or do or be before. And it's like, wow. I'm a woman of honor and dignity, and that's through working the 12 steps. That's through changing. That's Through Doing the Work. The work is carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to the still-suffering person. The work is doing the coffee, you know, setting up this room. That's doing the work. It's sitting down with Adam, sitting down with people, going through the book. You know, I had a sponsee call me, a new sponsey with more time than I do. You know? And my ego said, whoo! She was a suffering alcoholic. You know, so we had to get back to basics and I had to talk to my sponsor and she said, I thought I told you to always carry a pen in your pocket, you know, to deflate my ego. Yeah, you know because I can still think that I'm the great I am. I really can. And she said she's suffering. She's a suffering alcoholic and she asked you to sponsor or everything, and she sees something in you that she wants. And I said, okay. And it was read this, read that, read those stories, read the first nine pages and highlight this, and then the next nine pages see what you're willing to do and what you'm not willing to doing, okay? Then she told me she was having trouble with one of her sponsors. I said so, okay, back in the back of the book it tells you what a sponsor is and what a sponsored is not, you know. And it was just that simple. I call my sponsor not on a daily basis and say, you know what? The 11th step tells me is there something I need to share with somebody before you go to sleep. The 11st step tells you what I need zu do in the morning, okay, upon awakening, okay. I wake up every morning, a half an hour before I have to get up just to listen. Just to do my own personal prayers and meditation and listening. I get out my calendar and I'm saying, okay, God, what is it that you'll have me do today? I get Out My Calendar and say, oh, my God, okay. All right. When I retire at night, there's certain questions. You know, do I need to call somebody and tell them what I did? Do I need, was I the creep of the week, to put it nice? Was I the creepy of the weak? Did I, was my short tempered? You know where was my tolerance? Where was my patience? Where was humanity? Where was humility? Was I, could I, what could I have done differently? I don't get the bat and beat me up because the book also tells me that it's a sad day, paraphrasing again, it's an sad day when I don' t do something right. And some days that can only be that I didn't pick up a drink. But that's not true. That's not truth. I do a lot of things right. I do more things right today in the now than I do wrong, you know. And for that, I'm grateful. For that, I'm glad about that psychic change without a doubt. I was going somewhere with that and I lost it. Calling my sponsor. My sponsors call me and they say, Sponsor. You know, I was on the phone the other day with... That's what you called me. Hey, Spons. I was one of the people on the call this afternoon with the mortgage people and I let that woman have it she said and I said really you know how your sponsor gets real sweet you know that you're really messed up I said oh really she said I'm gonna call her tomorrow you know and make amends and guess what she called and the mortgage company had all of these different people so they just put put it in her file that she called to making them in, you know, to do a 10-step with that person. And then she said the woman was giving her a hard time and she said, I started us as babies, you know. She said, okay, it's fine, okay. So it's good. And by working with others, my sponsors think or my network thinks that I'm helping them, it's the other way around. It actually is a give and take, back and forth. It's a blessing to have somebody that loves me enough, to trust me enough to confide in me to do a fifth step, to do a sixth step. You know, I've already seen it in the fifth, but anyway, To have enough courage and wherewithal to trust me is a blessing. To see their eyes lighten up, to see the bulb just get brighter and brighter, to see a little tight rose just open up, it's amazing. It's amazing, it' s a blessing, it'' s a blessings. And then it's like we try to practice these principles in all our affairs. Oh, my God. Oh, My God. The honesty, the open-mindedness, the willingness, the courage, you know, the this and the that, all of the principles, the love, the tolerance. Love and tolerance is our code where? Not on this street where I was raised. But I'm on a different street, and I'm glad to be on this street instead of that street. And we take this out, and we do the work, working with others, working with others. I am involved in service, heavily involved in service. I was telling Mike today, this was a wonderful day for me, for this alcoholic to look back from where I came from to where I am today. You know, it's a blessing. And it started a while back. But I am, okay. Because sometimes I get confused with telling my story and I don't want to appear that I'm bragging because I don' t want to do that but it's the reality that I am what I am and that's all that I am. Okay. In October of last year we had an election assembly and it was frightening it was exhilarating it was painstaking it was aggravating it was like why isn't somebody else doing this and it's like am I out of my mind and I stood for delegate now I was already the alternate delegate but now I'm standing for delegate And I needed two-thirds votes. Okay. And there's something about the third legacy in the process of elimination. Go to the first ballot and all the names and chalk marks, okay. Then it's the second ballot, chalk marks. Okay, then the third ballot, you eliminate whoever doesn't have whatever appropriate number of votes. And then you go to the fourth ballot. And each ballot, I'm increasing. And God has placed these angels around me. One is predicting what the vote is going to be. Another one is just a still, quiet voice and presence right there and saying, Barbara, it's going to be okay. Barbara's goingto be okay, and the other one isjust holding my hand, okay? And it's like, I want to leave the room. I don't want to vote, and it came to, and I'm gaining in votes, but the fourth ballot, I still, I think I was like too short of the two-thirds majority. And it was like, okay, we're either going to have a fifth ballot or we're going to go through the hat. So one woman said, okay. Well, Barbara's increasing in numbers. We should have a sixth ballot. And I'm saying, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah,. Because my faith is like, I want this over with. You know, God, what are you doing? You're not doing it correctly and all of that. And then somebody says, well, let's go to the hat. And I'm saying, I don't want to go to a hat. I'm not, my faith is fine. I don'T want to GO TO THE HAT. You know? My name may not come out, you know? Me, me, me again. And a good friend of mine who's a delegate from southern New Jersey was there and he pulled my name from the hat. Well, you're talking about I jumped sky high and I think almost touched the ceiling and I was smiling and crying at the same time and it was fascinating and people that I have grown to know and love were there and they shared in that experience and what a wonderful, wonderful experience. Well, I thought that I was busy before. Well, come January, because I've been a lot of different things on the group level, on the district level, and on the area level. But to be a delegate and to be apart of Alcoholics Anonymous, to be part of General Service for the United States and Canada, And to be a little dot amongst all of those practicing humility, because you get a chance to practice it there. It's awesome. And I started getting, I got a congratulation letter from GSO, General Service Office in New York. Then I got this packet, five inches of paper for all of the things from 12 different committees to read to prepare for April. Okay? Then I had to contact the past delegates to have a meeting with them. Oh, my God. to set the agenda, okay? Then I had to go to Narasa, put all of this stuff together, read through. You know, first I had set the topics and I had read through this information to go correlate with the topic. Then it was present this in an intelligent manner to alcoholics so they could understand it to report back to their groups. Oh. Then pick people to relay the topics back to the fellowship at an assembly, okay, that would hold people's interest. and sit back and listen at that mini-conference. Not say a word, don't even tell people who I am, just sit back, and take notes, and hope that the recorder did not break down. And to listen to those tapes again, and then to get in thinking, you know, I got a plan but God got the outcome. Thinking that one of my sponsees is going to take me over to New York. Two of them actually. Something happened with both of them. So I call a cab. I go to the bank. I have money today in the bank, y'all. Checking account and savings, you now. Went to the back. Got some money. Called a cab, took the cab. Get to Secaucus. Cab breaks down. I'm in the fast lane, and he's shifting gears, and I'm reading. I'm cool. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I'm cooler than a cucumber, but I see him panicking. And I'm saying, why is he shifting in the first lane? And then he gets over to the side, and the car dies, okay, right across the street from my restaurant. So he says, the car is dead. I said, no problem. I just need to be there by 1 o'clock. It really doesn't start until 4, but I just wanted to get comfortable. Who said that? Nothing. Okay. And he's cursing up his hands, so he calls and I says, well, you know, if you don't get it started, I'll just use your cell. I'll go across the street to the restaurant and I'll call another car service. He says, okay. So he fixes the car and he gets back in. Now, he is sweating grease, okay? And I'm cool. So I get to the conference, and in back of me, now, I don't see my luggage. I'm from Jersey. I was born in East Orange, raised in Orange, lived in East orange, lived in Montclair, Essex County, okay, people, people-people-people. I don' t see my luggages. The guy took my luggage, but I hear these two Frenchmen in back of me, come to find out that they are alcoholics and they're wondering where their luggage is also. They're from Canada. Okay? Anyway, get dressed up. It's a book over there with some pictures. Oh no, they're right here. Okay. Get to New York. I mean, get to New York, go upstairs. Intergroup has a hospitality suite for us. Now we are assigned, delegates are assigned buddies. My buddy was Darlene G. Can't break hers, I can break mine. Darlane G from Oregon, okay? And I'm wondering, I've never seen her, I didn't think to send her a picture, she did send me a picture. There's 93 delegates, there's going to be 121 people there. I don't know any of them except for the northeast region, which comprised like 17, 18, including myself. So I know 18 people out of 121. Okay. Now how am I going to know my buddy? So I said a prayer on the way while the car was breaking down. The first woman that I met when I went in the hospitality suite was my buddy, Darlene Betts. She showed She showed me a wonderful time, she sat with me, she showed me how to read this another huge book that is just like, what is this? But every step of the way at that conference, a beautiful, beautiful week, somebody was there showing me what to do, what not to do. We had Delicates lunches In that bag Jessica There are some glasses If you don't mind We're from the Northeast region And the northeast region They have delicates So northeast region Delicate is N-E-R-D Okay Nerd We are at the Starlight Diner. Is that right there? Okay. We're at the Starlight Diner with these glasses on and having a ball. Now, the Starlit Diner is a diner in New York on Broadway, and I don't know what street it is, but I know it's on Broadway somewhere, down the street from the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. It's a starlight diner where they have singing waitresses and waiters, and they have this bucket, and they call the bucket Phillip. and fill up the bucket, fill up the bucket. So they sing and they sing and they pass it around. Well I'm having a ball. This is nerds night out and everybody wants to be a nerd because we know how to have fun today and especially in the northeast region. Well I am dancing with Hernan Oh he's tall he's dark, he's handsome he's ecstatic and we are saucing for days Then I'm dancing with Walter One of the delegates that was in back of me Wondering where his luggage was from Canada Little short guy, we're waltzing Oh my God, you know, one, two, three, one All of it just came back That dance lesson was for something And not for naught, thanks mommy But it was wonderful We got a chance to dress up and our Sunday best and we're Sunday night we have a dinner no I need to back up we have a meeting and they call it the roll call and you get an opportunity to, they'll call your name and you have an opportunity to answer here or present okay now they had told us about it but it's nothing like experiencing it yourself So I'm holding my friend Sally, who is a nerd from Rhode Island. I'm holdin' her hand, and her knuckles are like the blood has left them because I'm scared and I'm squeezin'. So they called my name. I know that I stood up, and I knowthat I said something. Whether I said here or present, I don't know, but I know I said somethin'. And it was just a wonderful, wonderful experience. Victor had suggested, he's from Maryland, another nerd He had suggested that we bring handkerchiefs Not one, but two Because it's about sharing and caring today And sure enough Some of my service sponsors gave me a little packet Beautiful, beautiful handkerchers with an English box I did not take those They also gave me some beautiful, beautiful cotton disposable handkerchiefs. So anyway, I see this man across the room. I go in the room and I see the sign 53rd Annual General Service Conference. So I see there's a man in the corner, big. He must have been like 6'4", 300 pounds, and he's crying. And I'm thinking that it's the ghost of Robert X, okay, because that's how big he was. And I am saying, it cannot be true, you know, ghosts have on white, they don't have on suits, you know. So he turns around, he is crying. So I go over to him, I offer him one of the handkerchiefs that was suggested that I bring to, and he's crying. He said to me, he says, if you hadn't seen this with your own eyes, I would not have told a soul. We have become the best of friends. I share information with him, he shares information with me, and it's just absolutely wonderful. Sitting at lunch or dinner with the chairman of the board, with the general manager of Outlaw Autonomous with a trustee here, with a Class A trustee, and the Class A trustee is a non-alcoholic that's a really, really good friend of Alcoholics Anonymous and they give, they devote their time and energy and if you have nothing to do on the second Sunday in February, please come to McAteers in Somerset at 1 o'clock. We're having a luncheon for everybody that can attend and it's a blast and my good friend Linda Cheesum is a Class A trustee, non-alcoholic, who's also a judge. She will be our speaker, you know, and Warren S. from GSO will be the alcoholic speaker. And I've been going since I've become almost 12 years, and it's a blast. It's another opportunity to suit up and show up and give back what was so freely given. And we took pictures by God's grace and mercy. Every time we met with the conference committee, at the end, each conference committee voted to get a new chairperson and an alternate chairperson, and they do it by secret ballot. And I was nominated. I came in second, So that means that I'm the alternate chairperson for reporting charter, and that's a blessing. I mean, that's coming from somebody that didn't want to do anything, didn't care about a living soul but herself to be there for somebody else. I was telling Mike earlier today that it was the day to truly, truly be of service. I got three calls from New York. What? You know, and each one of them wanted to ask me questions. One of them was from the treatment facilities chair with this young person coming out of treatment. He wanted to know our treatment facilities chairman's name. And I was able to provide him with that. Actually, I was told, you know, I'll handle it. I called our chair. Our chair gave me the treatment facility individual's phone number. He called the facility, straightened out some things that were going wrong there. The young man did not want to talk, which is okay. He's 17. I wasn't an alcoholic when I was 17 either. It was my mother's fault. It was everybody else's fault except for the alcohol. But that was one. And then I got another call. Well, it was this woman wants to start a group for women that have children and they were going to have babysitting facilities there on the premises available for that person. And the third one was from Juan asking me my fax number so he can fax me his bio because I do believe in planning ahead to get ahead, you know. And even though it's not until February, I can still put it in the – because I have files everywhere. I can still put it in the appropriate file so when that day comes, I don't have to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off saying, where's the bio? I need to introduce them and where is it, you know. And I'll make sure that I have more than one copy and provide it with my alternate with a copy also, you Know. The joy is in the journey, and I'm glad that I am on the journey. I want to, again, just thank this group for the opportunity. It's really been a pleasure, and thank you for letting me share. I'm Ronald, an alcoholic. Hi, Ron. Customer of this group that we give a card signed by members of the group and give it to our guest speaker. And I want to thank you so much because God put you in my life for a reason. And I will always remember you no matter where I go or you go. You're an inspiration for your recovery and especially of your service, what you do. and it gets me I'm inspired by doing service work too now because I see what it did to you and I see that it also does for us when we do these things it's just simply fantastic I thank God for having you in my life Thank you Thank you. Now, I'm grateful that I come here and that, believe it or not, this is my home group also. I just haven't told you guys. And I see people receiving cards, and I thank you for that. thank you for your words also but I also have a card for this group and so I just want to give that to you guys also come on my little shy baby