The Doctor Who Told Her She Had Six Months to Live – Liz B.

Oh you light up my life oh my god you gave me the hope when I didn't know there was any hope for me I want to thank each one of you my name is Liz Bailey and my anonymity's been shot to hell and I don't worry about my anonymity but I do respect yours I will never go out and tell anybody you're in here or who's in here that's something I've never done and will not do I'm so full of emotions and gratitude at this moment talking to you that if I was white you'd see me all red up here in the face I'd be stars red someone asked me today are you nervous when you speak I'm always nervous God's shaking the truth out of me that's what he's doing and it's alright to be nervous there's so many of you in here today that I really love Debbie, you're one you've been in my heart for a long time and I do love you and I liked it when the lady looked at Debbie and said who punched you in the nose at last isn't it nice we can laugh about that and don't even get a resentment because you're not allowed with one anyway two minutes of a resentment and two minutes self pity remember that that's all you're allowed in Alcoholics Anonymous that's anything else is dangerous I want to thank this committee I was voted in at one time and another time you voted me out but I'm so happy I'm living in a stage that I know who's in charge I know who's to be here whether you like it or not yeah my father see you call me back up and say we're not letting him cast you out of here isn't that nice whoever this fellow was Tim I think I'm not drinking his anonymy me. I don't know his last name and don't want to know it. But Tim, thank you for calling me. Somebody said, that guy that voted me out don't make meetings. What do I know? I don't now. There was a preacher preaching one time. And he says if you drink alcohol you're doomed to die. And the little old lady down front, she said, Amen! He said, now if you smoke those cigarettes, you're doom to die and the little lady, she says, Amen! He said now if chew tobacco, she said look at that, he done stopped preaching and gone to meddling. And you know we hate the truth? Do we hate the truth And I can't, thank God, I can' lie, cheat, dub, dodge, steal anymore. I'm free of that at last. I did a hell of a lot of that, though, when I was out there. For 19 years I was in the streets of New York. I was telling somebody the other night, I said, you know, I was sleeping on Liberty Park Bench. I had a beautiful two-family home. And there was something with that picture of me sleeping on the park bench when I had that home to sleep in. And I was the alcoholic that woke up any place, every place. I told a girl the other day, I said, oh, I'm so happy a day I can wake up and look at my own ceiling. She said, what do you mean by that? I said I wasn't always looking at my ceiling. It's been great that I've been looking at my ceiling, really great. my mom made my first drink at the age of 12 stone alcoholic at the edge of 12 I don't know about no social drinking crossing any lines I've seen a hell of a lot of lions though yes I have and I don' t know about it and here again she made rice wine now for those of you who have heard me before I have not gone out and gotten you a new story because the one I came in here was a Lulu for me and the girl said I don't want to go hear that Liz Bailey she's telling the same story stay home because I'm not getting a new one for you no I'm not because I know the one I came here with is a Lulu I was beaten down so I was ready to take my life couldn't take it out in the streets of New York anymore I didn't come in here from a bedroom I literally came from the streets, drinking with the guys on the corner back of the barbershops and all over. Anywhere there was booze, I was there. And I used to be the booze runner, too. I'd be running to get this booze until I couldn't run no more. And then they'd have to lock me up in rooms for my protection. But my mom made this rice wine from ingredients she received from the welfare. Rice, raisins, and oranges. Yeah, and she made it. And I don't know what made my mother make that wine. She was having trouble with my father, who's an alcoholic. And I used to watch my poor dad getting beaten all the time by the police and neighbors hitting him in the head with pans and stuff and the blood just spattering. And he'd come out of Mother Cabrinha Hospital wrapped like a mummy. I was ever grateful that I was in AA when he hung himself out at Central Islip. I love my dad. He used to play chicky out the window. That's an old term. I'm 83 years old, so that's why I'm using that term. And play just chicky looking out the windows. If I see my mother coming, get my drunken father up off the floor in a hurry so he wouldn't have to get those whippings. I just didn't like them beatings that he took. And my mom, I've never seen her take a drink in my life. And for many years in AA, you guys have heard me say it before, I've always wished that I could give that lady two lousy drinks and bring her to hell in here. Because she could use the whole 12 steps, the whole conception, everything she could use. Mom died three days short of being 95, so you know she had a good life. And she made this rice wine and she left Marion and I to sieve it through cheesecloth. Marion sieved and sipped two drinks and she went home. Not Liz, Liz sieved it and sipped. oh honey I sipped and I sipped I siipped and I sip oh that stuff was good I got so drunk and had to be passed out even and I went around the next day snapping my fingers and telling my friends what a ball I had I don't even remember what the hell happened I don' t know what happened but that began to be the pattern of my life. If you didn't drink to get drunk, and please don't pour a drink like that and sip it for 20 minutes. You got on my nerves. And I got away from you. You didn't have to get away from me because I couldn't stand you doing that. Not at all. And I'm watching myself go down but I'm thinking this is all part of it so I don't know any different. I'm ignorant as the devil. So I keep drinking. All of a sudden now I'm going to sell King Kong booze. The man made it in the bathtub next door, honey, and I bought it by the gallon. And I was selling it for 40 cents a cream pitcher. Now someone suggested that I take mayonnaise, olive oil, butter, cream. Line yourself up, Liz, then you can drink plenty of mix on good money. Well, that King Kong went all through the olive oil and cream. I stopped taking that sick stuff. And I sold plenty of booze. I made good money, bought better shoes. I'm the oldest of five. Bought better shoes for my brothers and sisters. Put a better table on and helped my mom pay the rent. Okay? And I did that. One night, I'm laying out the window, and I see this shop. Lord have mercy He was so sharp, I almost fell out the window. But then I saw him with this roll of money, and I said, oh, there's a live one. I was always looking for a live ones, you know that. And I don't look for the deadheads in AA either, believe me. I look for alive ones in AA that are just going, doing, giving. See, they keep me young. My doctor asked me about two months ago, Miss Bailey, do you love senior citizens? I said no, no! She said why do you do that? I said, because I can't take the moaning and the groaning. I really can't. I can' t take it. I've got to be around these. And you know, I can be so sick even at home today. And I come out to a meeting around the young people. I come alive. Mr. Bailey didn't believe it that I left that house so sick. He thought I was going to be drunk again or sicker. I come in. Let me tell you a joke. He said, don't bring that AA stuff in here. he said that night so and I was alright but I'd run out to my meeting so here again I latched on to Mr. Bailey that night and it was a five dollar bill around a lot of ones and I could care less he was so cute so I started to go from uptown Manhattan down to the Lower East Side to give them a play so they could come uptown and give me a play. At the age of 14, you could not tell me I was not a woman. I'm partying, I'm drinking, I'M hanging out. I asked my mother if she would sign for me to marry Mr. Bailey. He was 10 years older than me. Oh, no, dear, over my dead body. That man will have you out in the street and you'll live a terrible life with that man. Well, I found out something about myself at the age of 14. Don't you ever, but never tell me what not to do. I have stayed in AA because they used to have the word suggested under the 12 steps and I stayed because things were suggested to me. I believe till today if they had told me what to do I wouldn't have stayed. But nobody ever told me What To Do. they suggested everything. So I quit school and I left New York with Mr. Bailey and I went to Baltimore, Maryland the third day of January 1939 at 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm standing in a courthouse being married and I'm crying my heart out. And the minister stopped the ceremony. He said, my dear young lady, would you mind telling me just what you're crying about? I said, at last I got him. Now, I'm going to have to be honest with every one of you that was the sorriest day of Mr. Bailey's life when he said I do to Liz Ulrich That man never stopped crying from January 3rd 1939 till he went home with the Lord August 12th 1986 A sorry day for that man because I came back with a marriage license just to flippin'. No more mama, no more neighbors. Nobody's gonna tell me how to live. I got a marriage licence. Whoo! Sorry to stay in Mr. Bailey's life because now I have to have a drink to wash, to iron, to cook, to talk. And I start taking the bottle out on the front stoop. You don't do that in that neighborhood. But I didn't care about no neighborhood. I had my bottle out on my front stoot and I was drinking. And then I again, Mr. Bailey would come home from work where are you going Liz? I'd be headed out he's coming in, I've got to drink in peace I can't drink with your silent treatment and I can' t drink with you looking at me cock-eyed and I don't want to hear your mouth if I'm on a drunk and I do not want to see you and I did not want him to hear my mouth if I was coming off a drunk the man couldn't win, no way there was no way for him to win and so I said to him as I was going out he says where are we going I said, do you get a loaf of bread or a quart of milk? I'd show up two weeks later. Three, whenever I could get back. Whenever I could give back, I got back. And I'm watching me go down. Many, many people pulled me up on the carpet. Why do you drink the way you do? Why do your act the way we do? You have a lovely home. I did. Three gorgeous children. I thought having children would stop me from drinking. No, no. Nothing. And so I'm going down and I'm watching me. Girls, don't you ever fry a frozen chicken drunk. Please don't. Please, just please don't do that. Because I hit the grease over and burnt both of my legs. and these legs stayed like raw meat as long as I stayed out there drinking I came into AA and I'm not going to show you guys my legs but I'm going to tell you those legs cleared up so beautiful in AA you never dreamt that I was burnt AA is powerful I'm gonna tell you how powerful it is try it, you'll like it really like it you won't even believe some of the things you can come from you go through, believe me And so, again, I kept drinking. And I changed brands. Now, Mr. Bailey is not an alcoholic. And I said to him one day, maybe some of you wives have heard this, maybe if you drank with me. Now, this is not an alcoholic I'm talking to. Maybe I wouldn't want to roam so much. Because see, once I picked up a drink, I'm gone. Totally gone. And he tried to drink with me in Manhattan. came home drunk, fell in the radiator, bust his head open. I guarantee you he never went drinking with me again. No, he did not. See, now me, I could have hit my head in that radiator ten times, keep doing the same thing. Wouldn't have mattered at all. Wouldn't matter at all and so again, one morning I woke up really with my head coming off my body. I'm so sick. I've taken Anacin, Alka-Seltzer. I don't know if some of you remember the little blue packages of BCs. I'm dating you, but that's it. And here it is. And I put a raw egg in the beer. Now, the egg inthe beer was a meal for me. I had a meal when I had the egginthebeer. And I took all of that to straighten me up. Couldn't get it straight. I reached over at my night table, picked up the Bible. I said maybe I'll find the answer in the Bible how to straighten this rotten filthy life of mine up because now my mouth is bad every word is a curse word coming out of my mouth I'm fighting everything and everybody and I'm just tired, I'm sick and so I decided to read this Bible and Mr. Bailey passed my room you all hear me say my room don't you because you can't sleep with me no more The booze is coming out of my pores, and I'm a mess. I'm solid mess. I used to have green rugs on the side of my bed. I thought they were grass. And so every time you knew I was drunk because the rugs would be flying out on the line, flying out, you knew Liz Dunn got drunk again. There I was. But here again, he saw me with the Bible, and he started screaming at me, put that Bible down, you hypocrite! in 20 minutes to an hour you'll be so drunk you'll slap one of the kids down hop in a cab or swing in a corner I didn't know he knew me that well and I had told him so many times I don't want to hear your mouth when I'm coming off a drunk and so this is the first time I thought of suicide I literally ran and jumped up in the second floor window for the lady who got a serious look I don't blame you from having a serious look because that was serious stuff and I didn't know it know nothing about it, ignorant as hell about it okay, I had to come in here and learn about it out there I knew nothing 13 years old when I got here even though I was 31 and here again I ran and jumped up in this window because I'm going to throw my body down in the yard and kill myself and there's a little old lady down the back of the yard and she spots me standing up in the window. Mr. Bailey, she's screaming. You better get her. She's going to jump. I see his head come out the next window. His hands come out. He says, Nana, will you let that bitch jump? He said, he said, I'll be rid of all my problems, all my troubles. Please let that witch jump. but I looked over at him and I wanted to know who the hell did he think he was now I guarantee you I got down out that window I did I got in the bed and pulled a sheet over me and slipped that one off because the nerve of him telling me let me jump and I have people that has written me letters from jerseys they're so glad that this is one bitch that didn't jump I am too I am two I am, too. Because I'd have missed out on a lot of good stuff. I'm telling you. So here again, I'm still drinking. And Mr. Bailey came to me one day. He had made me a leopard fur coat. The most gorgeous fur coat you ever laid. Three linings in the coat. threw a party for the job 305 7th Avenue in New York and he brought this leopard coat home and he threw it out on the bed and I looked at that leopard coat and I hated it couldn't stand it and I gave it away you know what I got so mad at that coat because I said he made that leopard coat to spot me anywhere got sober and wanted my coat and let me tell you I did not know how sick I was until I got sober you do have as long as you stay in that drinking and the sauce and the drugs you'll never get a chance to see who you are no you don't it doesn't give you that chance so here again Mr. Bailey came to me one day he says, you know you're the nicest wife when you're sober drunk you're a Jekyll and Hyde why don't you try this AA day. You know what's coming, don't you? Honey, I laid his soul to rest. Oh, I laid it to each his own. I'm drinking this stuff you don't want for nothing. Don't you bother me with no AA. Well, the poor man did the right thing. He walked away, never mentioned AA again to me, and am I grateful that he didn't beat me with AA. Because we don't do that. We plant a seed with you if you want it. It's here. If you don't want it, it's up to you. But I'll tell you something. Once you've ever walked into an AA room like this or any room, you're never drinking drug in peace again. No, I haven't seen it done. I haven't seen it done. I really haven't. You've messed yourself up. Yes, you have. And if you make it back here, thank God for it, that you're getting another chance at life. So he didn't mention I ate. And I drank another eight to ten once, watching me go down, hitting hospitals. Every time you looked at Lynn, she had a new patch someplace else. the good sisters in Merriam-Mack that used to be bandaging me up and saying Miss Bailey why don't you stop this drinking please Miss Bailey you're going to wake up where you're gonna be sorry this is what they're talking to me as they're bandaging me up and this particular day there was a lady coming this is my last drink I'm going to tell you about Mrs. Lindbaum was her name and she was coming to sell insurance for the house I never called this a home I had everything of material that any woman on this earth would want but I couldn't stay sober and even in sobriety I still have everything that any women would want but in sobpriety I can stay sober and enjoy the things that I do have and did have well, the phone rang I'm now drinking with hard two fist drinkers in the VFW hall not that all veterans of foreign wars are alcoholics but I'm drinking with some tough ones because if they didn't drink like me I didn't bother with them I just told you that and this guy called me and I heard his voice on the phone I banged the phone up he called me back the second time he said Liz do me a favor I banged up again I remember going to the store and coming back he said Liz, called again three times I work in threes, I don't know about anybody else and he said to me hop a cab, I'll introduce you to the people, I will put you back in the cab and I will send you home to your company I figured let me do that he's going to drive me up a wall he's not going to let me stay in here? So I get a cab and I go over to the post. The jukebox is going and I'm singing, you always hurt the one you love. Give me another drink. Smile if you're happy. Give me another drinking. I'm 83 years old and I haven't seen that lady until yet. And I forgot what she looked like. But I woke up in one of my son's twin beds and at the foot of this twin bed stood my mom over here and Mr. Bailey over here. And my mom is screaming to the rooftops and her head is going back and forth and she's saying somebody has done something to her. I watch Mr. Bailey, his head is going back and forth, and he's saying, no mom, no mom. Nobody's done anything to her, she happens to be a very sick girl. Something went all over me because my name is bitch. Where'd this girl stuff come from? You know, i don't know where it came from but he said i was a sick girl i guarantee you all i got right up out of that bed i went to the basement of that house and i stayed in the basement for two days praying to die i wanted out i wanted it out i couldn't take it any longer the lying, the cheating the ducking, the dodging you work like hell to stay sick I mean it and I was tired of the lying and trying to remember the lies oh that's hard and so I'm watching me and something said to me go up on the Long Island Railroad and just jump in front of a train and just end it all and I said this to my oldest son at that time who was 12 years old my oldest son is going to be 64 May 7 ok and I started screaming to God like I've never screamed to God in my life and the big book tells us he could and he would if he saw it believe it when I tell you that's just how it works and I started to scream oh god oh God, please help me. And I said to my son sitting there, I'm going to try this AA that your father told me about. I took a telephone book off the top of the cabinet there, called up AA and they didn't have anyone to send me at the time. I got myself together girls. I used to go to the beauty parlor get my hair done so nicely when I did drunk the booze went right straight through my hair I had afro before afro even came in style it wasn't in style I was out there styling and don't know it laughter Mr. Bailey would give me money for clothes I never looked too tough I'd take that money and sit up in the bar and be a big shot for a night But I'm going to come to AA. I'm coming to AA, so I get my hair done nice and I buy a little two-piece blue suit and I go into Manhattan, 28th Street and Lexington Avenue, intergroups one flight up and I tried to get up those stairs and I got in the middle of the landing and as I went to turn to go back downstairs now if you don't call this a higher power you've got to talk to me because as I meant to go back down the stairs a lady looked down the stairs at me and she said are you having trouble I said yes ma'am and I ran up the stairs to her she escorted me in the front part of the office and she started to tell me about her life oh my god who talks about themselves like this my mother said put it in the closet put it in a drawer, shove it under a rug but don't you dare go out and tell nobody where you got the black eyes and the busted mouths and the fights in your house, no you don't and I'm sitting here listening to her and I am saying why don't she put this in a garbage can and make sure she got a lid on it, you know I would never talk about anything that went on in my house drunk, I didn't have time anyway to so she turns to me and she says you know this it's the first drink oh come on sweetie i've been drinking for 19 years she said when you pick up one drink even down to cough medicine it's only a matter of time that a compulsion sets up into you that you have to go all the way. Now I used to try to control the booze, I used to try to control my drinking I'd take one drink, it'd come up take two, it would come up, take three, it could come up take four, it should come up get the fifth one to stay down off to the races off tothe races, not one time but every time and I'm watching me go down so she gave me the choice of two meeting places and I chose one where my children went to church, St. Benedict's the more. Oh I can't go there the priest will see me. So what? You must know you need help so go there. That's how I talked to myself. So I went to the church. I walked to the church that night and there were two girls behind the coffee counter and I'm only mimicking them. They looked up at me and they said, you don't look like an alcoholic. I said what the hell have I got myself into. Let me get the hell out of here. And I started running out that room. Now when I came to AA, they always kept two people at the door. And once you got in, you did not get out. They did not let you out. It was none of this in and out that you do today. No way was it. No. And 50% of us made it, and 50% of us could hardly make it, and some of us were not capable of making it. And I wanted to be in that 50% bracket. I really did, to make it. And I want it to be with sober people, people who weren't drinking. Those are the people I wanted to be there. And so this man hit me on my shoulder as I was headed out the door. What's the matter with you? They didn't talk nice to you back then either. No, no, they didn't pamper you. They belted you. And Cliff was shaking his head because Cliff knows I'm telling the truth. And he said, what's the matter with you? Where are you going? I said, those girls said I don't look like an alcoholic. I don' t know what an alcoholic looks like. All I know is what we drinking and what are we chipping in for. That' s all I knew when I got here. I didn' t known. I never heard all sobriety. My company didn' T talk like that. and so he said I'm about to lose my mind my home, my children and everything through drinking he said have a seat sweetie you're in the right place and that was July the 11th 1952 and I'm looking forward to this July celebrating 52 years away from my next birthday And every one of you better learn that you're going to have to tell your story to somebody, even if it's a cab driver. Because it's got to come out of you. It can't stay in you. It can' t stay in you. Find somebody to tell your story to. Get it out of you. Otherwise it will eat you up. And it certainly will. And you know when I got here there was no women. And I wasn't going to get up in front of you guys and show my linen. No, I wasn't. And they stayed at me. Liz, when are you going to talk? When are you gonna talk? I got six months without a drink. Two guys in the YMCA on Parsons Boulevard in Queens tricked me into speaking. Do you know I have not shut up a straight 51 meters. I have not shut up. I got on a bus going to Owen Ann of New York a few months ago. It was the first time I sat on that bus for eight hours and I didn't talk to nobody. First time my mouth was ever shut for eight hours. I was amazed, and I came back the other eight hours on the bus. A wonderful thing. But here again, I got myself a tough sponsor. I used to cry and whine to this lady. She was a nice little Irish lady, tough. And she'd say to me, listen, Liz Bailey, AA don't need you, but you need AA. I wasn't used to an old woman talking to me like that. A man, yeah, you know. And I'd run right back and whine some more to her and she'd tell me, sit on the pot or get up off it. She didn't say it that nice though. She did not. And the big book is right. Halfway measures what? Avail us. You're either going to do it you're not going to do it. That's your choice. Can't play around with it. Can play around with it because you don't know what that next shot will do for you, never know. I don't see a lot of them come back and I'm privileged to see some do come back with a change of attitude. Change of attitude is your attitude. I would suggest that you read 416 in the new big book, or 448 in the old big book. It tells you how AA works and how we stay sober again. So I started making meetings. I went to seven meetings a week and three times on Sunday with my sponsor. And I had her for my sponsor for 28 years. Shows you how much important sponsorship is. I'm still talking about it. She's still in my heart and life because she She was my life, helping me through life. So you can't do it alone. We can do together what you can do alone. Run and look up a trunk if you're having trouble with yourself. And here lately I've been telling all of you, you're too blessed to be stressed. Say it to yourself. You'll feel how good it feels. I'm too blessed to be stressed. I am, I am. And the other one I started back in New York is have a good day unless you've made other plans. You want to be miserable? Go ahead and be miserable. You wantto be happy? Go be happy. I gave my doll something today that she liked. I said think means the happiness I now know. That's that word think. The slogans are very important to you, too. When you see me going to the ladies' room, I'm doing first things first. Easy does it, but do it! Don't want too much too soon. There's a power greater than you who has the plan for you. You don't have the plan. The only plan you have is come in here and stay away from that drink one day at a time, one five minutes, one ten minutes, or one hour one day at a time my mother couldn't stand me sober she'd say to me oh you weren't that bad she doesn't know how bad I was Mr. Bailey couldn't stand me sore every time I started out to a meeting he'd curse me there goes that Meshuggah cup if you're Jewish that means there goes the crazy one and I could care less I kept going curse me all you want keep coming you see and finally when I had the honor and privilege of speaking for our late co-founder Bill Wilson I spoke for Bill Wilson's 28th anniversary to Hotel Commodore, 2700 people that night I asked Mr. Bailey to sit up on the dances with me, he told me to get myself another husband for that night my girlfriend said, are you going to ask him again I said hell no, I'm the speaker I didn't ask him I did the same thing in getting sober that I did that night. And I went on, and when I looked up, he was there. And you guys lined up out there in the lobby and whatever and thanked him for me. He wasn't used to that. Don't you know that? I was the one, that bitch is drunk again. Look at her. Every day that man works so hard, and she's drunk again, and that's what he got. That's what we were used to. He would just whistle. Darling, he ain't happy with that. now I got sober he ain't got nobody saying nothing to him nobody that's why I suggest Al-Anon for the men and women who have mates and family it's a family disease everybody is affected by it whether you know it or not oh I don't need to go to that he's the drunk no you're drunk just as well as he is because you're doing crazy things with him and you have to go learn how not to do these crazy things and how you've got to let that man or woman go to her meetings to get sober. And even though I'm sober 52 years, I am not cured. The progression of alcoholism is still going on inside of me. I will never be cured. Never. And I've gotto know that, never mind somebody else knowing it. And if I can come 52 years through trials and tribulations, you can come through a day. through a day mr bailey after i spoke for bill wilson asked me to please leave him i used the third year left 11 step at three o'clock in the morning and i left mr bailly i stayed away from him 27 years i went back every day to take care of my girls that i left with him and finally Mr. Bailey took very sick. You know, girls, I was so grateful that I could go back and take care of him in his last days and make amends to him. Oh, you don't know how good that felt. And you know what he said to me one day in Sloan's Kettering Hospital? He said, Liz, take my hand. And I took his hand. He says, you know, I'd have been dead a long time ago if it hadn't been for you. and he says you know I really love you I screamed I had been married to Mr. Bailey 47 years and never heard that but girls I got it before he left here he got a partner stayed sober and got it yes I did and I was so grateful that I could bring him happiness in the end real true happiness so we do make amends when the proper timing comes I don't know the timing, but you do. He'll see to it. My oldest son, the one I told you that's 12 years old, May 7th, he'll be 64. Let me tell you, that kid still hates my living guts. And he let me know all these years he'll never forgive me or forget me. And it does not bother Liz Bailey because Liz Bailey found a God in AA that I never had who has forgiven me 70 times 70. So I can't let no man, woman, or child hold my past over my head. No way. No way! Because I have been forgiven. And one day, like the little poem used to say, leave them alone and they'll come home a-wagging their tails behind them. Little Bo Peep is still alive. So you don't worry about him you don't get drunk about it. I had a son named Dennis, handsome dude. Was he handsome? And I used to say to him, he was an addict and an alcoholic. Dennis, the right road may be hard, but you'll be the winner. The easy road, the price is heavy. And Dennis was shot and killed in between two houses in Flatbush. Before that, my father went into Central Islip and hung himself. After my son Dennis was shot and killed, my sister went into Manhattan 1370 St. Nicholas and jumped 30 floors, laid on a canopy for five days before they found her. My sister next to me drank herself to death also. I've been there and done that, and I got the T-shirt. I really do have the T‑shirt. But I did not have to drink or drug about it. That wouldn't have helped them at all. wouldn't have brought them back or helped me at all. It would have killed me and put me in my grave, and I know that. This program is selfish to a point, to a point. Yesterday, I'm going to have to tell you what happened yesterday. I don't want to forget my AA baby. I was four years sober and I had an AA baby her name is Adrian Anita. I named her after AA because without AA that chick would have never been around. I know it. And so she has had 12 babies, six have died and six you still have. I have 17 grandchildren that I see by appointment only. I don't babysit, I'm sorry. Very sorry. You know, yesterday I had a young lady to speak for who celebrated 25 years without a drink yesterday. And she had booked me way last year to speak for her on the 25th of this month. My granddaughter, whom I'm living with now, came to my room and she said, Nanny, are you going out today? I said, oh yeah, I have a commitment today. Well, the baby is sick. Well, do you know how torn I got yesterday? Just between my great-grand and this beautiful lady with the cancer. I did not want to let this lady with the answer down. And I got a fresh-ass granddaughter who has an answer for me for everything. If I say it's blue it's green at all. And I learn to put a zipper on my mouth most of the time because I'm not getting into those debates. And you know what? I called three people to talk to me yesterday. Three. And each one of the three told me to go to that lady with the cancer. Because my granddaughter, I'll tell you I've been raising my own kid for three years. Well, keep on raising her, babe. Because I went to the lady with the cancer. Because I knew if I didn't go to that lady with the cancer, I couldn't live with myself. It would eat me up. And the joy that I was able to bring to her yesterday, she just lit up when she saw me being in that room. And I got dressed very nice in an aqua top and black pants. and I didn't want to go in nothing dark to be around her because if you look at her you'll know she's on her last stage so we had a happy day yesterday and I feel good with myself because I've been knowing this lady for 25 years you know I've done nine operations in 41 years I've cut to pieces drunk and sober and I've learned to take my scars and turn them into stars baby now sit down and dwell about these stars thank God I went up and had three operations in six weeks the doctor looked at me and he said you've got cancer I'm going to give you six months to live I said you're not going to giving me anything you all know how fresh my mouth is I said because I'm living in a fellowship that has taught me to live one day at a time I'm now 36 years arrested cancer patient the doctor's dead I'm not that doctor has been gone and Liz is still here hopping trains and planes and buses and subways I've never had a car in my whole sobriety and every night a different white dude picks me up and I have upset my neighbors something terrible from a junk to this what is she putting down and you know thank God I know what I'm putting down today but I must never forget the days that I didn't know what I was putting down I didn's know and I suffered with guilt and remorse something terrible because why? Here I have done it again and I don't want to do it again and that's why in AA it taught me when anyone anywhere reaches out for Liz or for you we are to be there and I love that I never say no to anyone never have the whole time I'm here and what I get back I can't put it into words you see what I got back I just come out of a stroke not long ago all on the right side this stroke hit me hand going like that, leg going 27, 24-7 one day I got so tired of shaking like this Debbie let me tell you I turned the jazz station on and I started jazzing I'm going to tell you I jazzed that stroke right away for me put on some music honey put on some music between prayer and that music got me out of that stroke and I've been flying all over this United States I had to ask my doctor could I go back to flying been flying up there for 42 years I want to have some wings by now but here again I asked her And she said, oh, sure, you can go back to flying Miss Bell. Well, the first state I hit was Mississippi. Then I went to Las Vegas. Then I Went to Indiana. I met my friend over there in one of them states where he's from Indiana, hands over there. And I've been to Oklahoma City. I've Been to Cleveland, been to Columbus. I've Been to Cincinnati. All this in this time. then I'm back in Columbus whether you like it or not because you see Liz has learned who is in charge and Liz Bailey is not in charge you don't have to worry if you know who's in charge I'm living with my granddaughter I had to give up my house, I live in one room now which is fine and the little granddaughter is 3 but she's 33 I never had a fresh kid like that I just look at my grandchildren and they moved. I didn't have to say nothing, just give them a look, you know. They knew nanny meant business. But this one spit on me one day. She hit me. She kicked me. And I looked down at her. I said, I'm going to go to jail over you. I'm gonna go to prison. I'm not going to jail because in New York they don't want you to hit them kids. And I ain't had one yet that I couldn't smack the hell out of. and I beat her legs I just hit her legs I'm going down to tell my mommy on you I said yeah, I'm gone right with you let me go and help you and I went down to my granddaughter her mother and the mother just looked at me I said you know I have 17 grandchildren not a one has ever answered me back not a one has ever put a hand on me or spit at me and I'm not starting with this one yes, I spanked her legs do you know that little baby loves me to death she do, she's up in my lap see they love you to chastise them they don't love you when you let them get away with everything I'm telling you that down front it might hurt you but let them be raised straight I had a grandson, I just lost a daughter not too long with Lou Gehrig I was in Colorado Springs getting ready to speak and the girl came over to the car and she said your daughter passed away at 1.20 this afternoon and of course they rushed me to the airport and they mailed me my things out of the hotel room and I want to thank this committee for my gift that you gave me today, it's really beautiful I'm appreciative of every nice thing that's done to me and see again I remember so clearly that I know I'm having one of them senior citizen moments you all don't mind going through it with me do you because I get on a roll up here and I have to sometimes now tell people do this stuff to me and shut me up real quick but here again I notice that with this granddaughter she doesn't like me to come to AA and she says to me where are you going nanny? I said to my meetings you still going to those meetings after 50 years? bye I don't even try to explain it to her for the fact that I know that I'm not cured she doesn' t know that I know it's important that I know you do have to work your steps and traditions please do that I had a place to go and talk not too long ago I was on public information for 13 years and I went to do a public information meeting but when I got up I did not mention that I was an alcoholic I did not mention AA. And I went to talk and when I got through talking, the standing ovation was terrific and the guy came over with the camera and I said, take that camera away from me. This is something where we all need to know traditions. Don't run out of a tradition meeting. Learn how to protect your sobriety and how to protect your group as a whole. And he insisted that he was going to take my picture and the sitting next to me put his hands over my face. That was a Sunday morning at 930. Monday morning I had the biggest write-up in Newsday newspaper that you ever did see, and I said okay I'm open for criticism now, and the criticism started coming, and some of it I just turned it away because I felt within myself I was not guilty that I had tried to protect myself. But I did feel hurt for the members that were running this that didn't know enough to try to protect me. That's what we have to do is try to protecting one another. So I admit and I accept and I surrender to the fact that I am an alcoholic. I have no choice to pick up a drink of any kind if I want to live this life. And please don't ever tell me goodbye at 83 because I'm not going anywhere. Tell me so long or I'll see you later. Don't tell me a goodbye because I've not gone. And I came to believe, it took me five years here to believe that there was a power greater than myself who could restore me to sanity and it meant change your thinking and your actions. It's got to be changed. Always no good. and I made that decision one day after five years of suffering with migraine headaches deep depression, isolation and I cried for five years here and it dawned on me one day that AA is a gift not everybody gets it and if I want this gift I've got to put one hand in God and the other one in the program and keep on this journey I'm on a journey, not a destination on a journey, the sweetest journey honey it will almost blow your mind and sometime it gets so good you all blow it because you don't know how to handle good you're so used to pain but feel this good that you can pass it on to someone else I've taken my inventory many times and tell you too more will be revealed just keep coming and I told you at the beginning God is not going to give you anything that you cannot handle no he won't not the God that I understand but AA tells you to find your own higher power isn't that beautiful I don't have to have John's Mary's or nobody else but my own I hand my doll today, I want you all to really meet Stephanie because at 83 I'm getting to the point that I don't want to travel alone anymore I don' t think it's wise and she has volunteered her time to be with me in my traveling stand up Stephanie and it's so beautiful we talked all the way from New York here got here before we knew it. And it's so nice to know that she's there with me and I'm not alone. So nice. And I have you guys. I'm never alone. I don't care where I go, where you go. Get the directory, look up a meeting or group, and above all, find another drunk to talk to. Find another one. Especially if you're in trouble with yourself. Dis-ease with oneself. Talk to another drunk. Use your phone. Get to a meeting. And don't complain about coming to these meetings. While you're sitting here this hour, you're, you'll come to me. It shows you when you get old, you get stupid too. You really do. But it'll come back. It'll come back, but it takes care of your... Look at this. This is Satan. I don't know if you all know about Satan. I know about him. See, he's trying to cut me off. That's what he's doing. Isn't he messing with me? I'm going to kick him in goodbye and it's going to come to me because I'm going to ask St. Anthony for it but it will take care of you this hour that you're sitting here anything that's wrong with you in this hour can be taken care of because you're really sitting under God sit under him in this meeting for a lousy hour just think, look at the hours I wasted sitting in the bars and at home going down and going out couldn't be a winner if I wanted to be a win but I came in here and each day that I didn't pick up a drink you're a winner and it's good to be a winner to another day don't try doing it alone, I don't have a sick pride, I know one ever has a sick pride I can't do it alone I don' want to do it along, can't means won't I love you guys I want us all to have the most fantastic weekend that you ever could have and I really hope that I kicked it off good for you because I want you to do it applause there's a man stood up just then and clapped for me and I'm standing here thinking he's sleeping on me. Ha ha! Show you how people can fool you. Every third eye is not asleep and every goodbye is not gone. Watch it. Thank you, darling. Thank you. Now I don't have my hearing aids in right now but you tell it to me after. Tell it to be after, please. Because they annoy me. I just paid $2,000 for them, can't wear them. But I'm going to keep it up until I get them in, okay? Because I'm not going to let my money lay on the dresser. No, I can't do that. So keep coming back. Go to the meeting you don't want to go to. That's the one you get the zinger every time, every time. And don't fight being here. God has given you another chance at life. John, thank you for being in my life John used to drive me around up here I got another guy that drives me around in Queens now and I said, Jim, tell them all you're driving Miss Lizzie I make sure they know you're not driving Miss Izzy to these meetings so I have a good time you see I enjoy my sobriety and sobrietry means happy, joyous and free and if I've touched one person today because my children used to say oh there she goes to save the world no I'm not looking to save the world but wherever I'm allowed to share my strength hope and experience I'm hoping and praying so hard that I just touch one let you stay a man told me the other day he heard me 36 years ago and he stayed and he could tell me every word I said 36 years ago. A lady came over to me last Sunday morning when I was speaking at a Unity breakfast and she hugged and kissed me. She said, I heard you 30 years ago and she's still here too. I got emotional with her though. I really did. And I didn't know I was highly emotional and highly sensitive until I got here. But I've been privileged to work on it a lot and and I still work on it. I want to thank you. I want to thank my doll. Isn't she gorgeous, Peggy? Oh, she's so gorgeous. We did have a good time because I don't shut up, I told you. I talk myself from my house to wherever I'm going and I get there before I know it. You know, just running my mouth but we have a good time. I thank you and I thank you and I thank you and above all I love you. I really love you. And I will go to any lengths for any one of you, any lengths, because that's what God has done for me. He has brought me through so much, still bringing me through a lot. You know why? Because I'm divinely human. Divinely human, that's what I am. Thank you, thank you. Debbie, tell my girl back home, thank you too.