The Doctor’s Opinion — The Borderline Case Who Didn’t Need a Psychiatrist – Gertrude B.

About This Speaker Tape

New York City, the old Waldorf, and a childhood spent behind a great satin upholstered wall of money. Gertrude B. describes a life of excessive privilege that functioned as a fortress, protecting her from reality and the unhappiness of others. She lived as a "borderline case," drifting through three marriages and a descent into obsessive drinking and drug use to escape a mounting sense of inadequacy. She recalls the grit of her wreckage: the Benzedrine to wake up, the liquor to stay up, and the sleeping pills to knock her out.

The turning point came not from a psychiatrist, but from a moment of total extinction after a suicide attempt. She describes her surrender as a "spiritual shower bath," realizing she needed a Higher Power to act as a porter for suitcases too heavy to carry. Now, she views herself as a cracked, chipped, rusty old pipeline, using her remaining resources to house the broken and the "bums," asking herself every hour: Is this for God or is this for Gert?

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Gertrude B. opens by addressing the Episcopalians and Baptists in the room.
• 2:15 Discussion of the 'satin upholstered wall' of money and the isolation of the rich.
• 5:30 Recounting her childhood in the Waldorf and the pressure to be brilliant or beautiful.
• 10:15 The failure of her first marriage and the 'hard, still small lump of guilt' that formed.
• 15:40 The 'indivisible line' where she became an obsessive drinker and user of Benzedrine.
• 22:10 Detailed account of her suicide attempt and the medical aftermath.
• 28:45 The diagnosis of psychosomatic illness and her first serious mention of needing a Higher Power.
• 35:20 Meeting the couple in New Canaan and the concept of Higher Power as a 'porter' for heavy suitcases.
• 42:10 Her spiritual awakening and the decision to never take another drop of liquor.
• 50:00 Discussing her move to the Mojave Desert and her introduction to the spiritual program of AA.
• 55:30 Turning her home into a shelter for 'broken-down men' and women.
• 58:15 Closing prayer of the long-dead slave: 'I ain't what I used to be.'