The Disease of Not Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin – Sandy B.

Thank you, Kelly. Appreciate it very much. Wow. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, it's great to see you all. What a wonderful room. I can't believe this place. I wish my mother was still alive. I'd send her a picture of this. and look what happened to your son, you know. She'd really get a kick out of this. But I do want to thank the committee and Jim and all the people who have been so hospitable to me for inviting me down up from Tampa to participate in this. I see it's a long-running state convention and that's just wonderful to have that great historical perspective. And the one thing I wanted to do was I want to dedicate this talk to Miss Emma. And I know she's listening to this whole convention. And we're just going to keep that great joy and excitement of that type of message flowing, and so we're here to have fun tonight. At least that's my outlook on AA. It always has been. I like the joy of living theme and happy, joyous, and free and all those things. It was just so appealing to me because, like the rest of you, I didn't find the joyofliving too much before I got to AA. I didn' t find a lot of happy,joyous,and free. I had the same problem that everybody else did. I was an alcoholic. I had the disease of alcoholism, which meant that I was never comfortable in my own skin. I always felt I was different than other people. I didn't have a clue what was going on in the world ever since I was little. I just looked around and just felt left out. And there was no reason for this. I just had it. It was inside. It wasn't anything my parents did. It wasn't anything my upbringing did. I just had this uncomfortable feeling. And I remember hearing the speaker one time, and I really connected with him. He was far out. And he said that he knew when he was about 18 years old that any day now, he lived out in the country, out in The Cornfield, a spaceship was going to land. And these little funny guys were going to get out of the spaceship and run over to him and go, Bob, come over here. There's been a big mistake. You weren't supposed to be on planet Earth. Come with us and we're going to take you up where you're supposed to be. And he was going to say, I knew it. I knew that. I knew I knew all along that I was something was wrong here. And so that's what kind of the feeling that I had as a little kid. And then I got in church and they scared me to death in there. so now i had fear and guilt added into the other stuff that was going on and my job was to pretend that i was happy and nothing was wrong and i think us alcoholics are really good at that just pretending how you doing great great just doing great man doing great and inside i'm going i wonder if i can get a 38 and blow my brains out you know but doing great doing fine yeah yeah yeah but i didn't i just you know and right away i you know when you're 10 or 12 whenever you learn about cool i don't know what age that is i guess it's six now but when i was when i Was little it was probably 12 and suddenly you got concerned with are you cool and of course cool was that you knew what was going on and you know I didn't have a clue what was going on but if you're cool you can't ask you know what I mean so you had to internalize everything and figure it all out for yourself and there's a lot of information that comes rushing in there and as you get to be going into puberty now you got all kinds of information and other things happening and you're just going man what is all this about But who are you going to ask? You know, nobody. So I'm figuring it out. I'm picking up. I'm overhearing conversations. I'm reading something in a magazine. And I got a lot of my inside information off of bathroom walls. You know what I'm talking about? There's stuff in there. You go, wow, you know, I didn't know that. My God, that's pretty frightening. but i couldn't ask anybody so i just had to take it inside because i was cool and going along and i grew up in connecticut up north and you know nice family um went to a little prep school i was smart i got on the athletic teams if you were to see me you'd just go look at that kid You know, I'd like my son to be like him. If you could see inside, you'd tell your son to stay away from me. You know what I mean? So it looked like I was doing all right, but I just had this terrible, insecure feeling. Got out of this prep school in New Haven, went right into Yale, which was the local university. And while I was there, I just felt like, I've got to get out of here. All these guys came from all over the United States. They all were rich. They all knew what was going on. They all had famous families. That's how it felt, and I knew that I think there were 1,000 of us in that freshman class, and I new that the dean, the word was going to get to him that there was 999 guys who belonged there, and there was this one imposter who had somehow gotten in there, and they were going to be in a big amphitheater like this, and he was going to get up there and know we have found an imposter in our midst. His name is Sandy Beach and he's right there. And they were going to come and get me and take me out of there because I just didn't fit in. That's what I remember about growing up. And so the, and I didn't drink in prep school and I first got to college I was trying to be an athlete and a good student and there was something in the Catholic Church about if you didn't drink until you were 21, you got like a quarter million years off in purgatory. Which I was going to need. I was up in the hundreds of millions of years just from stuff I was thinking about doing. I didn't even have the courage to actually go do it. I just was thinking and thinking about doing it, not cost as much as doing it. So, and I think I mention this in almost every talk that I give, The night that I had my first drink, and this is where you can see how I'm an alcoholic just waiting to happen. I already have the problem. You know what I'm saying? I've got this terrible problem, and we're looking for something to fix it. And so I went to this thing. It was an event where you're supposed to meet the other guys. They typed up 30 names on a list and then said room 601, blah, blah. Seven o'clock tonight, go in there and mix and meet each other. just go in there and go, hi, hi hi, high and it's like, I didn't want to do that that's the hardest thing in the world for me to do to go, high, high I mean, it's just too hard but I guess I'm going to give it a try tonight, and I went in there and the groups had already divided up I don't know how they know how to do this there's 6, 4, 3, 4 and me and I looked around and I knew I wanted to leave I didn' t want to even try this but I said, I will. And I went over to the first group and the six guys that were standing there talking turned and looked right at me. They didn't say anything, but with their eyes, they said, we have enough friends. None of us wants to know you. So don't even think about coming over to this group. And i remember i just stopped in my tracks and i went, well actually i wasn't going to your group. I was going to that group. and of course i went to each one and saw the same thing in everybody's eyes and i never met anybody i just couldn't meet him i couldn't come up to that so i said well i'll just leave which is what i always did but there was a bar there and my roommates are going you're in college they've been on my back you know i've been there about three months you ought to be drinking everybody drinks and i said all right so i went up and ordered the whiskey and something and took a sip it tasted awful but they promised me it would make me feel wonderful. So I kept drinking it, and I'm talking to the bartender, and I'm drinking, and nothing's happening. So I get another one. Nothing happens. I'm going, see this stuff? They're grossly exaggerating what happens with this stuff. And I got about halfway through the third drink, and i put it down. I said, well, I guess I'll get out of here. I don't see anything happening from drinking. And I felt nothing. But when I turned around to leave, those 30 mean guys had gone, and they were replaced by 30 of the friendliest guys I've ever seen. Everybody in that room wanted to know me. I could see it in their eyes. They were looking at me going, would you please join our group? Don't go to that group. Come join our crew. We want to know you so bad. Oh, please come over. I just couldn't believe the friendliness in all these people's eyes. And then I felt a little different. And I had a little strut in my step. You know what I mean? And I'm just going, I'm walking over and I'm going, these guys are going to be lucky to know me. What a transformation. So alcohol didn't really change me. It changed the world that I lived in, changed the whole world. And I love this world. It's just like Alice in Wonderland. I just walked through the looking glass and I went home at last. Now, this is more like it. This is what they've been talking about. I heard people talking about what a great world it is. I heard them say, I heard some people saying, isn't life wonderful? And I didn't know what they were talking about, but I sure do now. And I've only been drinking for 10 minutes. I've traveled pretty far in 10 minutes, haven't I? I've gone to another world and I have found the solution to all my problems in 10 minutes and you know non-alcoholics don't go to other worlds and they don't find the answer to all their problems in 10 minutes. They don't have that relationship with alcohol that you and I have and that's why I'm an alcoholic because it transformed me had nothing to do with what it did to me later on made me sick made me lose all these things. That's not what made me an alcoholic. What made me an alcoholic was it transformed my world to such a degree that I was willing to pay any price that was asked in order to keep this stuff in my life, so I had made a huge decision on the first night that I drank that this was going to be a permanent part of my life. Now, I didn't know I was doing all this. I thought I was just having a wonderful time, but I look back now and that's how big a deal it was to take that first drink it was huge and then later on that night I got sick I'm throwing up you know I drank other stuff and ran all around town kind of crazy got up the next day it felt worse than I've ever felt in my life thought I was going to die you know my head is hurt my eyes hurt and everything and even in the middle of all that pain, I said to myself, this is a small price to pay for what happened last night. You know what I mean? I already wrote down on paper, I'm willing to pay big time in order to have the answer to my problems. And of course, my problems only happened when I was sober. You Know What I Mean? That's when they all came back. And as soon as I drank about three drinks that's how long it took to get into the other world you know our world yeah now i'm over here this is better i like it over here can't stand it back there where i just was so when i went into a bar i never said this but what i really what my body was feeling with the bartender came up it was something like this you're not going to believe it bartender but i'm sober again and we got to do something about it you got something back there I've had about all this sober stuff I can take for today and he'd go well I think I got something to take care of that problem for you and I'd pour three of those down I'd say thank you sir that's wonderful what you got back there I'm now in the right frame of mind I don't remember what I was upset about when I came in here life is wonderful as a matter of fact buy all these wonderful people a round of drinks i just tell you i just love being in this world i just and then you'd hear me you know and you all of us are up at the bar and then about drink nine when the mean streak shows up then this wonderful guy next to me needs to be punched in the mouth and so that was a little confusing the next day you know what was all that about but The fundamental deal was there. So now I'm proceeding through my life with my new secret weapon, which is alcohol. So my grades immediately went down. I almost flunked out on no more athletics. I was into drinking. And so suddenly the workday studying or work later on became something that you had to do in order to get drinking money because the real day didn't start until five. you know what I mean there was the day when you got the drinking money and then now okay well that's over let's get over and start the day and that was when I got the first drink in the bar love bar drinking just I just found this wonderful world so anyway I come out of there the Korean War was going on and everybody had to join the military so I was drinking with some guys and they said, hey, we're going down to join the Marine Corps. You want to go with us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me finish my beer and I'll go down. Didn't give it much thought, you know. I had heard of the Marines, but I didn't know much about them. So I went down there and the guy said, yes sir, I solemnly swear, sign here. So after I graduated, I'm off to the introduction to the Marine Corp. And it didn't take me long to realize that perhaps I had gotten into the wrong outfit. Because as you can see, there's not a military bone in my body. You know what I mean? And I'm down in there and I'm going, these guys are very intense. They're very intense and I kept going, hey guys, relax a little bit. Come on. What is this? You know, they said, ah. So I get through that 10-week boot camp type thing, and then we're off to become platoon leaders. Six months training infantry, and I'm up in Quantico running around in the woods, and it's snowing, it's freezing, and we're learning one thing after another, and a lot of the guys loved it. I don't know why, but a lot of guys loved this. And I just knew I didn't belong there. I just kept questioning this whole thing, And then God intervened, and I'm sitting in class one day, and they have a training movie about pilots. And the pilots are at a bar in the movie, in the beginning. And they're talking with their hands, and there's some blondes walking around in the background, and I'M going to myself, pilot, check out pilots. I've never been near an airplane, didn't know anything about flying, and I just said, check-out pilots. so I went up later that week up to this major major what's this pilot stuff oh you don't want to do that you have to sign up for three more years I'll sign up for three More Years I don't have anything going anyway I don' t know I'm 70 years old I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up so I don''t know how people know that when they're in grammar school I had friends I'm going to be a doctor and he did And I go, how do you know that? So anyway, the guy said, do you want to do three? I said, yes, I do. And so I signed up and by God, I passed the physical, which was very important. And then I met this wonderful woman. We got married. I finished the infantry training, but I have my orders through 18 months of flight school. so we get on a plane a commercial plane to fly down to Pensacola and I get air sick on the plane you know she's doing fine and I'm going well that's alright I'll make it this is just my first time in a plane and then I get in the old SNJ down in Pensacala I'm air sick on the first flight I'm ear sick on the second flight my instructor I'm cleaning the plane out every day that went about six times he said I don't think you're going to make this And then all of a sudden it went away, and lo and behold, I turn out to be great. You know what I mean? I just got very high grades and went skimming right through all the different formation and go aboard the carrier and did all this kind of stuff and then got into jets and then cut my wings, and off I go on this great career and a regular commission. Now I'm a career Marine officer pilot. and I am like, you know, whoa and pilots love to drink so I get in these squadrons and it's just wonderful we're all partying we're doing all this crazy stuff I never saw myself any different than any of these other crazy guys and we went overseas and had some spectacular events and we were getting ready to go aboard the carrier and I was out on the end of the runway with this major who was a big drinker in the squadron. And we were practicing, we were watching a couple of our guys practice field carrier landings. And we're out there talking and he's going, you know, someday I want to get my own squadron and I said, yeah, Major, you'd be a great commanding officer. He said, yes, I just want to have a fighter squadron of my own. That's what I want in my career. And he said, I want us to get a lot of great pilots in the Squadron. He said, I'd like a pie. You said I would want you in my squad. And I'm just like this, you know, first lieutenant and I'm feeling like a million bucks. And then he said, but I wouldn't let you drink. And it was like, why would he say that? Why would he save that? This is a guy party with all the time. I'm juste drinking like all the rest of the guys. And I think about that now. I never asked him. It just scared me to death. I mean, I didn't slow my drinking down, but I remember going, whoa, what is that? And I look back now and my drinking stood out even in a totally drunken crowd. You know, there was something more intense about my drinking than it was about all these other guys who were drunk passed out. There was something about, you know, I just never gave up. Ever, you Know. Those guys would have to take a break once in a while, but not me. I just was there and I was willing to sacrifice anything. I was always broke. I always didn't know what was going on sometimes. But anyway, I carry out this career. I get promoted to first lieutenant. And then we have one kid and I get promoting the captain. Two kids, three kids, four kids, five kids, six kids. I'm going, man, it's getting crowded around here. And you know, my wife is enjoying this traveling and things are kind of going well on the outside. But now the time is coming that I'm about to join AA and I don't know it. I never heard of AA, but I'm starting to have some problems that I hadn't had before. I'm starting to go through withdrawal symptoms in the plane because you don't drink for 8 to 12 hours I was lucky if I got 8 and of course as you get into further stages of alcoholism now you're getting serious withdrawals and withdrawal is probably more dangerous to be going through withdrawal than it would be to fly drunk because I was losing vision I'd start sweating, my hands were shaking and trembling i was very confused and uh and i'm the only guy in the plane you know what i mean you couldn't just go could you take it for a while so this stuff is happening to me i was at cherry point north carolina not that far from here and um it went on for about six months and i had lots of close calls where i'd hit the wrong switch or So I'd, you know, just come out of a semi-blackout and not remember where I was. You know, I was on photo missions, so we were flying by ourselves. And so I didn't have to—you know, it was all going on inside. Nobody saw anything. And I guess after about six months of that, I finally went to the doctor. And I said, Doctor, I'm having a few problems in the plane. You know what he's going, oh, what, you got a cold? And when I started describing what was happening, well, sometimes I can't see the instrument panel. And sometimes I lose consciousness and then I come back and I start sweating and I'm just having these jumps, like little spasms. And he's just going, OK, OK. OK, this is very serious. He didn't know what it was. And so they sent me to Pensacola for two weeks to be studied by doctors. And this was in the early 60s, and there was no disease of alcoholism. There was no alcohol treatment, and then there was no disease. So you couldn't be an alcoholic. You had to be something else. So they studied me, and I look back on it, and it's almost like being in the dark ages. They're studying me. What could be causing this guy's problem? And they were serious. They would just go up and around. And I remember they got an old A.D. Sky Raider and put a regular chair like the ones you're sitting on here and tied it into the thing, and then they had all these wires coming out of the chairs into my head and my stomach, and they took the plane off and flew all around trying to figure out what is happening to this guy. And all they had to go on was the fact that I had high blood pressure, My eyes are bloodshot, clammy sweat all over me. I'm confused, don't know what I'm doing, and I reek of alcohol at 24 hours a day. That's about it. And nobody could put alcoholic, you know, so they found nothing physically, nothing this, nothing that, so they had to leave it up to the psychiatrist. So I'm in with the psychiatrist for three of them, And they're asking me all these questions back and forth. And then they said, all right, we'll let you know. So two days later I went back and they said you are no longer going to be allowed to fly. You have a childhood fear of flying that has now shown up after 13 years of flying and you can't fly anymore. And it broke my heart because that was my whole identity. That's who I was. You know what I mean? That was my, that was it. So I was just crushed, but I didn't have any inner strength to fight this. There was nothing left. There was just a shell. And I went back to Cherry Point and waited three months for headquarters Marine Corps to decide what to do with an officer that you got to give him a new specialty. And I get my orders to be an air traffic controller. And I come down to Georgia, to Glencoe, Georgia, and go through air traffic control school and make it. Now, see, this is the thing about us alcoholics. That's a hard school. And I'm in there, you know, studying and learning this stuff. And my hand's shaking. We had to fill out any air traffic controllers from the old days. You had these little strips you had to filled out with each plane that you're controlling and these little boxes to write in. And my hands are going like this, you knows what I mean? But somehow I make it through the whole thing. And now my last year of drinking, I'm over in Japan and I'm the officer in charge of an air traffic control unit. And the senior NCO there saw me check in and said, Captain, welcome aboard. He knew he could just see. Here's your tent and here's your coffee cup and your chair and all that. And don't go near the radar. That's all he said. Don't you personally go nearthe radar. And what he meant was we don't want you controlling any planes because you're having a hard time riding your bicycle to work. and so we'll just if you can make it every day on your bike we'll cover for you so now i'm drinking around the clock now there's no eight hours and that was a nightmare i just i stopped after about six months i stopped socializing with my buddies and we're talking about guys who are going to happy hour to drink yeah you want to go to happy art no i'm going to stay in the quonset hut alone and drink and that's what that's what I did. I just stayed in there, and I lost 50 pounds. I had malnutrition. I drank vodka, grain alcohol, and juice. I was trying to eat by drinking juice because I couldn't eat food. Food was just, I'd just throw up, and i made it through the year and got sent back to Virginia to be a, to go to a career school. I mean, it's amazing. Today they would have just spotted me like that and just, I'd be off to treatment but anyway I show up down there and I'm just starting to go into the DTs and hallucinating and all of that stuff and I am trying to check in the school and you know it's almost like a comedy movie because one day I came in and the school was gone so I went back to the main gate to report it to the century now we are talking a lot of big brick buildings and I said to the corporal I said corporal junior school is gone and he said what do you mean I said I was just up there it's gone well captain we'll go up with you so they came up in the MP car and it's back you know what I mean so this is I mean we're having some problems now right and I'm sure they went back and said You're not going to believe it, you know. They're telling the other people, we had a captain in here today who thought junior school disappeared. And so in the middle of that school, I had a ground-mouth seizure, almost bit my tongue in half, and they took me up to Bethesda. It took about three days as they studied me to see what could have caused the convulsion. And I went to DTs. They were terrifying DTs, people were coming in my room, CIA. they thought I had murdered this admiral and they were trying to get me to confess and they were doing all these memory tests and the whole DTs came out of that damn memory test that you get when you go in a nut ward which they put me in I had the seizure and the memory test has to do with count backward from 100 by 7 anybody been locked up, you know and your mind is so bad that you go 93 and that you never go if you can't get past that's it you stop and they can give you a whole week in a pencil and you still can't do it so i couldn't pass that test and i was begging for another test to prove i was sane and they said well memorize everything in the hallway i said okay you know now you know two corpsmen of elevators and ashtrays and desks and chairs and eight doctors will be back in ten minutes. Now, none of this is happening. But to me, I'm taking notes. It's so real. It was so terrifying. And they came back. All right, we're ready. What do you say is out in that hall? And I told them, you know, two carmen in a telephone booth. And they're all looking, shaking their heads. And I'm going, what, what? Come here. And I open the door. It's a photo lab. And I used to be in a photo squadron. And it was just all those big dryers and enlargers and all that. And I'm going, how did they move the walls? You remember Mission Impossible and all of that? Trying to drive a guy crazy. And I said, the CIA is trying to do this. And so this is what was going on. And I am just terrified. And I say, I need one more test. So now I am memorizing dryers. And enlargers. And all that kind of stuff. And then they came back ten minutes later. And I went through the same thing. Ten enlargers, the dryers, da-da-da. and they shook their heads and they went and I said what what did you do now and I opened the door and the door went right out on a flight line planes are taxiing by and power's right up here and so I screamed and freaked out and that's when they put me in a straitjacket and off to the off to The Nut Ward for six months because there was no alcohol treatment and like other people have been institutionalized I hated it but after about two months I never wanted to leave what a great place to be you know what I mean no responsibility nobody could come in and bother you if you didn't want to see your family you told them no don't send them in today I don't want to see anybody so I didn't have to deal with anything I just had to go to group therapy once in a while say something As a matter of fact, something happened in that place. And this looks like this crowd, you might be here. There was a Navy... If you're here, in 1964, you were a Navy lieutenant commander and you were also in the Nutt Ward at Bethesda Naval Hospital. and if you remember we were having a contest in clay class about who could make the best ashtray and every one of the patients in the nut ward agreed that I had made the best ashtrays and they were going to have the judging the next day and you came by my room allegedly to visit me with a big cigar and you're talking and talking and then you went to put it out in my ashtray and you slid it off the thing there and broke it. Clearly on purpose. And you won the contest and I didn't get anything. I didn'T even get honorable mention. And I figure anybody who does something like that might be an alcoholic. And if you're lucky, someday you could end up in AA now I personally have totally forgotten about the incident myself but you may be bothered by this in your newfound sobriety and you may want to make amends and I'm giving you the opportunity after the meeting if you're here so anyway you can see that that was the highlight of what was going on and after about five months a a showed up in that in the hospital and talked their way into having a meeting and so I got to a a by a corpsman coming into the nut ward all drunks fall in right face from I'm at a a meeting it didn't really take i thought it was great but i didn't see where it would apply to me i didn'T think i was an alcoholic and so when i was let out to be an outpatient i was going back and forth from my home and uh during the weekdays and then stay home on weekends and i started drinking again even though they told me my career would be over if i did and i knew they were going to catch me the paranoia was setting in i was smuggling vodka back into the nut ward and they They were trying to process me. I was going to be let out eventually, and I knew they were going to get me, and so that's when I got my anniversary date as Pearl Harbor Day of 1964. I called AA from my home on the outside, and they sent over another Marine captain who is still my sponsor. I've had the same sponsor for almost 37 years, and he came to my house and took over. He just came in. and he's a big infantry guy, you know, the mean guys. And he just came in, just went, my name's Bill, this is a 12-step call, I talk, you listen. I'm going to go talk to your family, you stay here. And he went in, tell me what kind of father he is. My kids are all going, he's terrible rotten, you know they're all lying, terrible rotten. My wife told him a terrible story about what a horrible husband I was. And so he said, you qualify, you come on, get in the car we went off to the meeting haven't had a drink since i wasn't planning on stopping i didn't you know what i mean it was boom that was it we went up to the meetings and meeting every night went over here went over there pretty soon i had a year i've been through christmas sober new year's sober my birthday sober saint patrick's day so you know how many years really something because you do everything that you've never done sober before. And I went through all that, and I went through the second year, went to a meeting every night for two years. We were both up for promotion to major. Neither one of us made it the first year, alcoholism and all that. And then the second years, we were up for a promotion for the second time in a year. He made it, and i didn't. Now my career's over. That's it. That's the end. You don't make it, you're out. And I'm going, what the hell is this? I'm in AA I'm going to a meeting every night I'm praying to this new loving God and now I'm out and I'm just going what is that? Go to a meaning every night and now now I got six kids how am I going to feed them I don't know no retirement no nothing you're gone you can keep your sword that was it. And so I had a big resentment about all that and I remember going to the discussion meeting I never raise my hand in a discussion meeting. You know how you go to the meeting? Anybody got a topic? That's the worst kind of a meeting. Anybody got an topic? I have my hand up. Never had my handup before. And they go, yes, Sandy, what's the topic? Topic? Getting thrown out of the Marine Corps. Oh, I don't think that would be a good topic, Sandy. I mean... Well, that's what happened to me and I don' t know why we can't have that. All right, all right, alright. Topic is getting thrown out of the Marines Corps. so we started around the meeting and i'm assuming boy i can hardly wait because i figured this is a.a and probably the first guy this is what i imagined would happen as soon as i did that sneaky little motives i figured some guy in a three hundred dollar business suit would raise his hand and go you got thrown out of the marine corps a guy like you i'm the president of a huge corporation. I can use a guy like you. As a matter of fact, I really need a guy like you would 70 grand a year be all right with you, Sandy? And perhaps a car. That's what I thought would be a good AA response to my problem. You know what I'm saying? So the first guy goes thrown out of the Marine Corps, say the serenity prayer that's what you got to do next guy says you got thrown out of the Marine Corps double up on your meetings got a lot of time on your hands next guy said you got throw out of Marine Corps work with new people take your mind off your problem last guy says thrown out the Marine Corp say the prayer of Saint Francis Saint Francis was a Marine. And I remember going home that night and I said to myself, Sandy, you didn't explain yourself very well at all. Those people didn't hear you at all! Did you hear what they said back? That was the most insane advice I've ever heard in my life. And, you know, it was about six years later before I had my hand up again. And my wife and I were splitting up. The whole marriage is over. Everything is exploding in my face. I'm out. Another guy's moving in my house. My kids like him. They don't like me. I got no money. I'm going, what the hell is this? So I'm at that same kind of meeting and somebody says, anybody got a topic? Yeah, I got a Topic. I got A Topic, man. Getting thrown out of your own house, the other guy moving in. That's a Topick. Sandy, that's not a good Topic I don't think we want... Well, that is what is going on. Alright, okay. Getting thrown out of you own house the other guys moving in that's a topic for tonight. And you know what happened the guy said you got thrown out of our own house serenity prayer. That's what you do when you get thrown out of their own house. next guy you got thrown out of your own house double up on your meetings you got a lot of time on your hands you got no place to go next guy work with a new guy work with anew guy take your mind off of getting thrown out of their own house and the other guy moving in and of course the last guy said say the prayer of St. Francis he took a vow of chastity oh thank you and I have my hand one another time about eight years after that I got in the real estate business and the mortgage money dried up and I got no money and I had a lot of years of sobriety and it looks like I'm going to declare bankruptcy and so guess what happens anybody got a topic yeah bankruptcy I want to talk bankruptcy that's not a good topic that's kind of spiritual I don't want to talk about bankruptcy alright alright we're talking about guess what you do for bankruptcy serenity prayer you're going through bankruptcy serenety prayer you're gone through bankruptcy double up on your meeting go to the eating meetings get free food you know what I mean and then next guy hey work with the new guys take your mind off of bankruptcy don't even think about it And the last guy, prayer of St. Francis, he took a vow of poverty. So anyway, what am I saying? I'm saying that AA has a very interesting message and the message is it doesn't matter what the problem is, the solution's always the same. It doesn't care it doesn' t matter what the probem is. The solution is always the sane. Found that hard to believe. Does that seem possible? Well, if anybody should believe it. It's us alcoholics. What do you think we were doing before we got to AA? I thought we had one solution for all problems. I think I did. Didn't matter what the problem was. The answer was, think I'll go get a drink. Right? I don't know about you all, but I never remember saying, uh-oh, here's a problem I won't be drinking over. I'm going to handle this one sober now maybe you said that but I never said that that was step one in problem solving was get a drink you're sitting at home somebody mails you a summons in the mail or a warrant something and you look at it and you go God damn what do you do when you get one of these things I haven't got a clue but I will shortly out to the kitchen get that pour it down now what do you do with these things well you just tear them up and throw them away you know what I mean but that's where you solve problems is when you had a drink and then you intuitively knew how to handle situations they used to baffle you so we should be used to the fact that there's one solution for all problems. Only this is a different solution. And now that I've had a chance with a lot of years of, I love to study spirituality and study other spiritual books. I mean, I love our literature, but it's just, when you look in all other areas, you see that it's all AA. It's all the same. It's just being explained in a little bit different fashion. but all has one premise and the premise is that we're not close enough to God that's the whole deal only it feels like a financial problem or it feels like a relationship problem or it feel like a resentment problem or it fells like a fear problem but those are just symptoms the resentment or the fear or the lust or the greed cut me off from my higher power. And now I'm displaying the symptoms of being alone. It's kind of like if somebody told this story once about a group of friends went to visit a guy in the hospital who was in an oxygen tent. I don't even remember what he had, but he was inside and they could talk through it and they're carrying on the car. How are you doing? Oh, I'm doing better. The doctor says I might get out of here tomorrow. Oh, that's great. That's great, and during the course of the visit somebody stepped on the oxygen hose. Well, pretty soon he's displaying all kinds of symptoms in there. So they get a nurse and say, oh, it looks like he has this or that. I'll have to get the doctor. We'll probably have to give him this and that and you know, and they had all kinds of diagnosis going on and then somebody went, oh, Joe, you're standing on the ocean hose. Oh, okay. Suddenly we didn't need all those diagnoses that were going on out there it was a very simple straightforward thing somebody had stepped on the oxygen hose and when we allow life to cut us off from our spiritual oxygen hose we display a lot of symptoms and it we think that the answer lies out there somewhere that We've got to go get more money to solve this. We've Got to Go Get More. But we learn in the program. That's why the meetings are so important. That's Why Sponsors and Close Friends, So that They Can Go. No, That's Not It, Sandy. Somebody Stepped on Your Oxygen Hose. Let Me Get You Over Here. And Then I'm Brought Back Into The Spiritual Solution. And Once I Address That, Once I Get Centered Again On My Higher Power and putting first things first and then take a look back at the problems, they seem to be different. They don't seem to me that serious. So how could that be possible? Well, I just have a theory that there's really only one problem and that is not getting your way. And it shows up in many, many fashions. And when we don't get our way, we get disturbed. And it's the disturbance that is trying to get our attention. And our minds tell us, well, the reason I'm disturbed is that that guy yelled something at me that I don't like. And so it's his fault that I'm distrubed and I need him to apologize so that I can get undisturbed. That was my old rules. And that's the way I think most people live. We're very limited before we get into a spiritual program on how to solve all these different problems that we have. And we come into the program, and especially if you look in the 12 and 12 and the 10th step with that spiritual axiom, something disturbs me no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. Well, why is there something wrong? Why is there nothing wrong with my life? What's wrong with mine? And the answer is, I'm disturbed. That's what's wrong. That's all that's wrong about me. I'm distressed. and lo and behold they come up with a premise that says you can get undisturbed all by yourself without anybody else changing wow really yeah wouldn't that be a new freedom we don't need an apology we don'T need anything we have the power to get undisterved all by ourselves and it just talks about this little four-step thing honest analysis self-restraint self- restraint it's that five-second cushion between something happening and our reaction to it. The boss comes in and says, the memo that you wrote stinks. And you go, screw you, I quit. And the words are going across the office towards the boss's ears, and we try to get them back. but they came out too fast but the boss heard them and he said you're out of here and we go damn self-restraint is the five second cushion this is a lousy memo and we can and we'll go all the way up to here and then back down to here and then we can say how can I change it you see what I'm saying and we still have a job self-restraint is like air in the tires do you ever think that if you spent eighty five thousand dollars on a jaguar that the most important thing in that car to having a smooth ride is the free air and the tires $85,000 car with no air in the tires bad ride what a crappy car this is bad ride so self-restraint is like our spiritual condition we can pray for it we get it with our little prayers in the morning you know that thing we have a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual condition, that's our spiritual a condition. It's the air in the tires, and sometimes we get a leak. You ever get a slow leak in your tire? You go, whoa, tire's getting a little leak there. I guess I'll put some air in it, see if it'll fix itself. Next day, oh, you got to put some more air in. Maybe it'll fix itself today. And then we keep putting it in. We know we're playing Russian roulette. We know that one of these times we're going to come out and it's going to be flat as a pancake. But we're taking a chance, we're driving around on that tire with less and less air and that's the day we hit the biggest pothole you've ever seen. And BAM! And the rim cuts the tire from the inside out. You know what that is? That's just what a slip looks like. That's JUST what a flip looks like! We let the spiritual air out of our program so that now we're in a position that we can't afford to hit a rut. So guess what comes along? Bam! And when there's no defense against the first drink and we come back sometimes and people honestly don't know what hit them. I don't Know. Something overpowered me. That's right. It overpowered us because we drove around on a tire that was too low. We drove around with no self-restraint. We drove round with no cushion between us and the world. Because with this cushion, we then can go through the rest of these things. We can go, wow, this adverse thing. I'm disturbed. The spot check inventory. What happened? And we can make an honest analysis of what happened. Sometimes we have to call our sponsor. Let me run this by you. Somebody came into my office and blah, blah, bla, blah. And then I did this. And now I'm freaking out. Well, let's look at it. Yeah, it clearly sounds like what that other person did was outrageous. Yeah, that's the way I saw it. Well, let's forgive him. Why should I want to forgive him? So you can get undisturbed. Oh, right, I forgot. My job is to get undisterred. Yeah, I forget that. Get undisturb instead of get even. Because being undisturd is the reward. I don't have to win anything else as long as I can go back to being undesturbed So then I go, well, you know, maybe she had a bad weekend. She is going through a divorce. God, I'll go get her a cup of coffee. Hi, you're off. Let her off the hook. And I'm back to being undisturbed. Or if it's my fault, I've gone making amends. And when we're wrong, promptly admit it. Why are we doing all these things? So I can go right back to be an undisturb. That's what spirituality is. It's going through an entire day working that type of progress so that we end up a day like that. And you could have a day like that if you're new here I can tell you you have the power to do this. You could pick next Thursday as undisturbed day. Forget about everything else. Don't have any other goals don't have anything else you just going to go to work you just gonna go through your regular day except it's your undisturbed day. Before you go out the door let everybody be wrong that wants to be wrong give permission to people to drive any way they want oh, oh, it's Thursday you can drive hey oh you want to cut me off go ahead oh you want that parking spot that's fine with me because it's undisturbed day we're just gonna let everybody just do any damn thing they want because we're gonna we're just trying to be undisturb and anytime we get a little bit disturbed we're going to run through this drill in order to get right back being undisturd at the end of the day we can look at that and just go that's incredible that is absolutely remarkable and when we put a day together like that we start to understand you know in the 24 hour day book it has that Sanskrit proverb in the front look to this day for it holds the verities of all existence and all of that when you put together a day like that our ancient enemies of the past and the future lose their power because in order to look at our past which some of us aren't too happy about we have to go through this day this first day that we just went through and and we're pleased with it and it puts a whole new title page on the past and it takes away a lot of its power to hurt us and then when we take this day and we look at the future you see the future is frightening because we keep imagining more bad days like the ones we're having and we just go god i can't imagine a million more days like this but you put together a day like that and then you just go wow a future filled with days like this where i just am undisturbed and i'm more interested in being of service to other people than anything else so there's it just in that instant we have taken away the fear of the future. And it all happened because we're in the now. God only exists in the now. And if we're not in the now, we can't have contact. So if I'm all upset about this resentment or I'm all worried about this thing in the future, it destroys my spirituality today. And as long as I understand that that's the problem that has happened, I've allowed it to be destroyed, I can change my priorities to go get centered again. And And as soon as I do that, everything else is transformed. And the last thing I'll say about this power of spirituality to those of you that are new, and I'm right at the end of my time, is that when you go through the day undisturbed, when you are going out where you have reversed the energy, where you're not trying to grab everything for yourself, you know, it's like money. Spirituality can give us a way of looking at money that's different. Money has been described, and if you take a basic economics, I think money is access to goods and services. And it's a medium of exchange so that you, the home builder, can talk to me, the farmer, and through using money, I can have a house and food and you can have a house in food. You follow what I'm saying? So there's money, but it becomes an end in itself. It becomes something, rather than just something that's useful in our lives, it becomes something that's going to be our security blanket. And as soon as I make money my security blanket, I no longer need God. I've decided I'm going to use that. So it's ruining my spirituality when I put money in place of God. So if I work this spiritual program and now get centered on this higher power, I'm undisturbed. I don't even need money for anything. I already am happy that money was going to make me happy. So now I can look at money spiritually and I can change the words and money now could be access to good and service you see what I'm saying it's something that I could give and instead of worried about my standard of living I could worry about my standards of giving I no longer need these other things in order to feel complete as a spiritual being I was trying to solve spiritual problems with money, with sex, with power. And that's what the whole deal is about, is to realize they can't fix the fundamental problem that we have, which is being separated from our higher power. So when we work this and go against what our mind is telling us the problem is and come back to the spiritual solution, we suddenly realize that we're now comfortable in our own skin and we become our own program of attraction. Alcoholics self-centered in the extreme, Bill writes in the 12 and 12, have a great talent to bring out the worst in everyone. So everywhere that we go people are at their worst. And we wonder why the world is so awful. And then we come in and get transformed in here and suddenly we bring outthe best in people. The dry cleaning lady loves when we come in. The post office guy loves when we come because we're generating that other energy. So we're bringing out the best in people and suddenly we come home with our day and everywhere we went, the gas station, in traffic, wherever it was, we're going yeah yeah yeah you know it's like well what's going on here? It was just like what alcohol did with those 30 guys. It transformed the world that we live in in and when we come home at night it's not just in aa it's out in the in all our affairs that this spiritual energy brings out this response in other people when they want to be around us they want to hire us they want us to work for them and it's intangible it's hard to figure out what it is and all it is it's a reverse of the energy flow we're trying to give instead of grab and that just attracts us in closing I'll just share this thought that Chuck Chamberlain had in his book it's a revolutionary thought and the thought is it's not your job to take care of yourself that's God's job your job is to do God's work just go out and do that and you will be taken care of that's a tremendous leap of faith but it is true as if you don't drink you can't get drunk it's that true so God bless you all it's been a pleasure to be here tonight and have a wonderful conference alright thank you you're welcome