The Dignity of Walking Through It – Sheila A.

Our main speaker tonight is Sheila A. Good evening, my name is Sheila Armstrong and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Charlie, for asking me to talk. This is quite a privilege. I was raised in Los Angeles and 18 years ago I came to this group and I sat in the back of that room, this room, and I had my Denny's uniform on and I poured coffee and I hated being sober. And so I had an eight-year slip and came back. And I'm really, really thrilled to be here. You know, a lot of my heroes are in this room tonight. In fact, all my heroes are in the room tonight It's just filled with them. So I am from Norman, Oklahoma. We're in OUville, and a lot of people give me a hard time if I get anywhere near Nebraska. My sponsor lives in Nebraska, and she still sponsors me. We haven't won the OU Nebraska game in such a long time, so she said she'd still sponsor me. And she's a great lady, and I really, really love her. I was born in Oklahoma to two normal alcoholic parents. They did what normal alcoholic parents do. They got divorced before I remember they were married. And I have a brother who is 13 months younger than I am. My father left when I was pretty young. I don't really remember him when I Was real young and moved here to California. And my mother was an alcoholic and she was doing And the things that alcoholics do, and she would drive one way on the wrong side of the street. And she would go to bars. And she took us with her. And I learned how to do the twist and look at sawdust on the floor. And she'd sometimes leave us in the car to sleep and those kind of things. And when she was gone, she would take long trips. She would go into blackouts and she'd take long trip and go away and would be reported missing and stuff. And we went into a foster home at that time because my grandmother could not take care of us. and she had tried so hard, and they came. And so we were to go in this foster home, and then my father came from California, and we were seven years old. And he came, and he took us, and she, from what I understand, you know, they went to court, and then she just never showed up. And I was about to see my mother again until I was 19 years old, and you know because of this wonderful program today, I not only know that that was the best that she could do, I feel it in my heart, and it's because of the 12 steps and sponsorship and being willing to believe is what has helped me so very much. I went to live with my father, and he liked to drink, and it was just the same kind of a thing. It just seemed normal. I mean, I don't remember really thinking how abnormal it was because it just seemed like that was what you did. He's married to a very nice lady, and they got divorced very shortly. We went to Live with an Aunt and Uncle in Arizona, and we lived there for a while, and then we were to come back to Los Angeles, and something really wonderful happened, which I didn't know it was wonderful at the time but my father was to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and you know today the power behind that statement sometimes really overwhelms me you know AlcoholicsAnonymous was to change my life before I ever got here unfortunately we had to go into another foster home but it turned out to be a really great thing and my sponsor my father and his sponsor had to make that decision and I know that was painstaking so we hadto go into this foster home and it was a black foster home And we were supposed to live there a few weeks until they put us in a white closet home, I guess. Something, a green one or something. And we lived there three and a half years. And it was one of the neatest places. That lady was a good lady, her husband. They took care of my brother and I. She was, you know, and I remember telling my dad when he came to pick, he always came to visit, you Know, because he went to Alcoholics Anonymous and he had a commitment to visit his children, and he always did. And a lot of the other kids in the home, their dads didn't come to see them and their moms didn't coming to see him. So the other children in the house got used to him coming and they couldn't wait for him to come because he always passed out a quarter. He went broke. And I remember starting to feel kind of proud of him. And she took care of kids and I asked her one time, I said, why do you keep kids? And she said, because I was a foster child all my life and I wanted to give back what was given to me. And how lucky my brother and I were to be with such wonderful people. There was a Sioux Indian, there was me and my brother. There was her son, Walter, and Hilda, and she was a Mexican girl. And we would have lunch, and we would sit around, and it looked like a meeting of the Junior United Nations. And we'd, like, go to Kmart or something, and we all called her mom, you know, and people looked at her like she's been quite busy. But she didn't mind, you know, because she loved us, and She just thought it was great, and we didn't see color inside that home. When you went outside the home, there was prejudice, and I would come home and want to know what a honky was, and she would answer interesting questions like that, and she was a good woman. My father married a woman that he met in Alcoholics Anonymous, and she had two kids, he had two children. We got together, but it was not the Brady Bunch. We had a lot of crazy going on in that home, and I was so needy. I was the most needy, and I love her very much talking about self-obsession. The longer you talk, the hotter I got, honey. And Jerome's been praying for earthquakes. Really good, Jerome. Thank you. And so we... And she had a son, the woman that he married. She had a sun and he was dying. He had CF. You know, and I was so needy. And I needed attention. I need, need, me, me. And I was self-obsessed. And, you know, I look back on that. And she has to take care of this child. And CF, you know, there's pounding and there's all kinds of therapies to give. And she, you Know, what a horrible thing she was going through to take care of him and us and these crazy kids coming out of this foster home. And we did, You know, everybody was doing the best they could. But I was so, I didn't think anyone loved me. My whole life I never thought, What is wrong with me? You know people would come in my life and I wouldn't see them again for 12, 13 years. And I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong. And so what happened was I would tell you my dad doesn't love me. You know, I felt so very sorry for myself. My dad doesn'T love me You know my dad would trade plumbing work so we could go to Catholic school You know and today I think that that is you know the kind of man he is But I was so self-obsessed I never ever appreciated that And today I do And I'm so grateful to steps eight and nine because it had me look at what I had done to others, not what others had done to me. And I came to you crying with self-pity and today because of one drunk talking to another, you all gave me the message and the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have had so many healings in my life because of this program and I haven't found it necessary to do anything else as of today because the steps have worked for me in working with other alcoholics and having a sponsor, committed meetings. I have a home group, and those things are very important to me today. I cannot stay sober today on yesterday's recovery, and I must continue to do these things. And I love this group. I lovethis group today. I used to be so afraid here. Well, I'm a little afraid right now, but I'm not as bad as I was. And I get excited. I come here, and I took a girl here last year. She came with me, and she'd never been to anything like this, and she leaned over and said, is this AA heaven? You know, and we're all alive, honey. And she got real active. We went to this convention, and the people from the Bellflower group, some girls grabbed a hold of her, and they were like, and she went and she started decorating and doing stuff. And I want to tell you, I want a report on her that she is a very active member of our group, and I think she got a real kick start. I mean, she had four or five years of sobriety, and now she has six. But when she came last year, you know, she got active after she came back, and I really, really love this group for that. I really depend on you sometimes. We have tapes, and we just, I pass around all y'all's tapes, and I'm really grateful to be here. My father divorced that woman. Unfortunately, that marriage did not work, and I went to live with this woman's sister, my aunt. And it was prom time, and me and my brother and I, She had four children. She was a single mother and had her mother living with her, and she took two more kids in. I couldn't even imagine doing that. And, you know, she's a very selfless person. And so it was prom time, and this guy didn't have a date. And he goes, well, you don't have the date. You don't want to go to prom. I said, sure. How romantic. So we went to go get the dress. And she wanted to make this such a special thing, and I picked out this real low-cut slinky dress, you know yellow and just real tight and everything. and she picked up this hideous green dress with big giant flowers on it and it looked like something Debbie Reynolds would have worn in Timmy and the Doctor or something. It was way up to here. It had like an accordion neck to it and it was chiffon and it Was Big and so was I and I just, it was huge. And the guy that asked me to go to the prom had three days before had bit the head off a live frog and, you know, kind of a visual And then, you know, everybody runs up in school, and it's a small school. And they said, You know the guy you're going to prom with just bit the head off a live broad. And I thought, That's right. Can anything ever go right? Just once. You know, I was just sick. So my aunt wants me to go to her hairdresser. Nobody ever goes to their aunt's hair dresser. Her daughters want to go on. And I wasn't a real great kid to have around the house because I smoked cigarettes and watched planes take off. I used to go over and sit and watch the planes takeoff and smoke cigarettes and dream of whatever. I was kind of a strange one back then. And so I said, okay, because I wanted to try that. I would hear, why don't you be a part of it? Come be a Part of It. I heard that my whole life. And so, I tried and I thought, well, I'll go to her hairdresser. That will, you know, soothe her for a while. And so. I went and the lady said, what do you want? I said. You know. A little up. A little curl. You know, not a lot. And I came out with my hair this big. You know? And my aunt comes running in the salon. Oh, you look so beautiful. Here's baby's breath. They stick this stuff in my hair. This baby's breast. You know! So me and my hair go to the prom, and I go out to the car, and I look like a bush, and there's bees. And I'm just, you know, I'm 15 years old, and I'm mortified, and I'm dying. And so I get home, and I put the giant green dress on, and the bush is going to the front. So he comes to the door, you know, and my dad lived down the street from me. And he came up to see me go to the prom. And it was funny because my dad, you know we drive by sometimes, People give me rides home, and I'd wave at this man watering. And I'd waive, and they'd go, who's that? And I go, that's my dad. And they go, That's your dad? Your dad lives down the street from you? And I said, Yeah, been years? You know, it was like the abnormal. The big book talks about it. The abnormal becomes normal. And that's what was happening for me is that it just seemed like a normal way. And it wasn't that big a deal at that time. And so he came down, andI always wanted to. I loved him, loved him. But I did everything I could to push him away. Everything I pushed, every button I could. I made him feel bad. I talked ugly to him. I was not a fun daughter. And so I wanted him to think I just looked beautiful and everything. So the guy walks in, and my little cousin comes running in and says, aren't you the guy that bit the head off a live frog? And I just, you know, I just wanted to die right there. My dad goes, oh, my God. You know, and I, so anyway, so I said, let's get out of here. So he got out of there, and he hands me a little tiny glass, a champagne glass that looked so elegant. And I had drinks before this, but not a drunk. And I thought, well, a few of these won't hurt, and it's a little bitty glass, you Know. And so he kept pouring stuff in. And we went to the prom and did that thing. Then we went into these after parties, and they kept filling up and mixing drinks in my little thing. You know, and I kept thinking, surely this won't get me drunk because I'm just going to have a few sips and stuff. I had 150 of those puppies, you know. And my hair got long and straight. You know? Those flowers flew off my dress, and frog lips started looking really good. And I love what Clancy says about the disease of perception. And that's what happened for me. And that'S what happened when I drank. You know, I was okay. I was Okay. I was OK to go to the prom. You know everything was OK. It wasn't great but it was OK and it changed my perception. Nothing changed really except my perception and that's what alcohol did for me and drugs were a part of my story but I think for me drugs enabled me to drink more. That's what I like drugs for. I want to go fast. I love to go faster. I still go fast I just do it on the natch and that is what I liked. I got out of high school. Everyone was thrilled that I made it. Johnny just walked me down here. I came here this weekend for my high school reunion, and Johnny said, you graduated? And I said, can you believe it? But I did. And so I got off high school, and I went into waitressing, and I loved waitressing. And I went fast. I was in control. It was wonderful. And I just learned to drink a drug, and more and more, and more. And it took more and More. And what happened is I came out of a blackout, and I was in this, and I blacked out the first time. I blackout most of the time. And I came Out of the Blackout, and I thought there's something wrong with this picture. I knew what a black out was before I ever heard one because I was around you all growing up. A lot of you, I babysat some of your children. But I could justify why it wasn't a real live black out because, you know, it was probably a brown out because Dad always left the state or got married, And I didn't do either one, so it was probably a brownout. It wasn't a real blackout because, you know, here I'm in a field. And I could justify why I didn'T think I was really in a blackout. And so I continued to do that, and that's the insidiousness to me of this disease. And so what happened was I came to his AA birthday party. And I DIDN'T come around a whole lot, but I came TO his AA BIRTHDAY PARTY AND I IDENTIFIED WITH SOMEONE. I HEARD A SPEAKER. And then I talked to Sharon B., and I went to her house. And I told her that I thought I might have just a teensy-weensy problem. And so she talked to me, and she said, Why don't you hang out? Why don'T you come around here? And I talked, and Janet and Nancy, and there's so many of you that helped me and tried so, you know, good-meaning people that tried to help me, well-meening people that really were trying to be my friend, and I was so crazy. I was nine months crazy. You know, don't do this, I do this. You know I was active. I made a lot of, I looked good running around doing stuff. But I wasn't taking principled right actions. I wasn'T doing what I should have been, the things I should have been doing. I don't even know if I read the big book. I don'T even know If I had one. I'm sure I did. But I don' t really remember any of that. And it was just, I was just hanging around hoping to get it through osmosis I guess and it didn't work. And so I had an eight year slip. And during that eight years, I met a hymn. You know, I like the hymns. And so I met this hymn and he owned a bar. And I thought it would be a great deal, you know. So we could get married and I can play pool forever and drink beer. And I did that, except he liked all the girls. And I don't share even drunk, so that didn't last long. And at this time, my mother had started to become very, very ill. and I got a call that my mother was dying and I went back to Dallas, Texas and I walked in and she and I don't know if you've ever seen anyone dying of cirrhosis but my mother I thought was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen and all I ever wanted was to be with my mother that's all I every wanted I thought my whole life would be different if I could just be with me with my mom you know and I walked into that room and she was bloated and yellow and she and she was so very sick and she was in a coma and so I sat there and I read her because they told me That was the last thing to go was the hearing. And I read to her for that whole night, and their sisters came the next day, and they were telling me what I did when I was a baby, and I don't remember them. And I'm full of bitterness and anger and hate and thinking, you know, if there is a God, if there's really a God why would he let this happen to this lady? Why did I have this horrible life? And just self-pity and self-obsession. But we were outside in the hall, and they called us in. The nurse called us, and then I ran in, and she said, You need to come in here, and so I went in, And then my mother was sitting up, and she said, would you forgive me? And I said yes. And I'm so glad that I did. I had three really great days with her, and I believe that was just a gift, one of those gifts. And I talked to her and asked her questions. I came back to California to get some things together because no one knew how long she would be sick, and she died that good Friday. And I called my dad, who I had not really spoken to for a long time. And we would get in fights, and I just wouldn't talk to him. And I was, you know, I caused him a lot of pain. And I needed him. And I said, Would you help me? And he said yes, you Know, because he was working a program, a good program. And he did. And he Said, I'll help you. And I called my brother. And my brother and my dad and I went back, and we buried her. And, You know, we were all standing around her grave. And I remember that's the first time we were All four ever together. And I think she might have liked that, You Know. And that's because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I believe. I came back and divorced that ham because it's probably his fault anyway. so poor guy and so I um I just went on reckless abandon um I was a cocktail waitress and I was just sleeping in the day and got my manicuring license I'm still manicures today and I love what Norm Alpe says he said you know if you're a ditch digger you'll be a better ditch digder well I was manicures and I'm stealing manicures I wanted to be three things I want to be a nurse and then an actress and I didn't get to be any of those things but you know what a combination you know. A nun, you know, that's great. Because I wanted to be the nun that was like Saint Bernadette and got the vision of the Virgin Mary. You know, nothing grandiose here, but, you Know, I always wanted the biggest and the best. And that's how I was. I met another hymn when I got pregnant and I had this baby boy. That man left me when I was eight months pregnant. And you know through inventories in this program I realized that's the very best that man could do. And I know that today because he didn't want to be married. You know, he didn't want to have a child. I did these things. I manipulated this, you know, and he did the best he could. He just didn't wants these things, and I learned forgiveness for him that he just wanted to hang out and have a good time, and I took him seriously, you know, foolish him. And so today, you know, he has not been around in our life, and that's okay. It's really okay, and I had this baby boy, and I love that baby boy and I wasn't going to drink and do drugs anymore, and I did drugs. I drank and did drugs in my pregnancy, and that's not a pretty part of my story. My sponsor Peggy today has helped me so much through that because, you know, I've heard women that I knew were alcoholics stand at this podium and they didn't drink and drug during the pregnancy and I would hear that and think, you know what, maybe I'm just really a bad person. And I started feeling really bad about myself. She said, Sheila, there's nothing different about you. Thank you. And she said, the thing is you didn't have a choice to drink or not drink during your pregnancy. You were progressing your disease and you were powerless and you just did what you did. But God, you know, God helps you. You got sober. But there's, you Know, and the book tells me, my big book says that if you, You know, if there were wrongs that we may never write, But if we just could, we would. And if I could, I would. And I can't write that wrong. Except to be a good mom today. And you all showed me how to do that. I had this baby boy, and I ran off with a marine to Oceanside. You know? I thought they took care of the world, So I wouldn't be such bad trouble. But that didn't work out. And he ran off without a whack. And it was just on and on, and the best of luck with these guys, you know. And so I ended up through circumstances. I used to work at beautiful restaurants, really, with chefs and waitressing and really nice places and managerial, nice places. And I was working in a bar that had cement on the floor and the Marines all came in there. It was in a bowling alley. And it Was just, you Know, they ate glass. You know, they were serious about drinking. And I was, you know, one for you, two for me. You know, that's how we did it. And when I got here, when I Got to Oceanside and he dumped me, I ended up living on the floor at a girl's house. And I would go out during the day and I would come in real late in the morning and pretend to be sleeping and get up with the baby and then go to work and then come back and then Go back to the bar. And oh, it was just on and on. It was a vicious cycle. And she caught me coming in one morning about 6 o'clock in the morning. And she said, you know, if it weren't for that baby, you wouldn't be here. You've got serious problems and you need to call somebody and get some help because I'd kick you out if it wasn't for the baby. And so I called my dad, which I did not do that on a regular basis because then he would know. You know, I didn't want him to know. And he lived in Oklahoma. He married a black belt Al-Anon and she asked him to answer the phone. So that's the end of my story. And I'm glad she did answer the phone. And then what happened was I said, I'm going to walk the streets. I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna put Brad and Foster home and I'm gonna walk the street. And I never ever would do that to him. I never wanted to do that and I did. And I said I was gonna do that. She said, let us call you back. And the circumstances ended up that I ended up in Oklahoma. And I remember the plane taking off and crying and I thought I've never done anything I ever wanted to do. And you know, what have I done? And so I got to Oklahoma and you know my dad, the kind of relationship we had back then is that he didn't even pick me up at the airport that his wife did, she did, Benoit did, and I'm really glad she did. And it's not that he wouldn't, he couldn't. You know, the pain was too great, and they had this baby. So I got a job, and then I got in a fight with them, and had to move and get in a fighting. I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I haven't had a drink, and now I'm not going to AA. I went to Al-Anon for a little bit because I figured, well, you've got to go to something if you live here. You know, there's butterflies all over, and there's, you know, sponsories running in and out of their house. And I used to just go in the bathroom to try to get away from the Lord's prayer and the serenity prayer. You know, there's always something going on. All I heard about was alcoholism. I was just dying for a drink. And I slept. I remember sleeping trying to hide what I was going through and it was just bleh. And so I got in a fight with them and moved out and I moved in with these girls that were just like me. You know, I took myself with me. Nothing changed but everything. Everything would change. I'll go to Oklahoma and meet some old boy and we'll raise chickens together, you know. But it didn't happen that way. I took me with me and I never changed me. And so one night, it was December the 14th in 1984, and I was drinking really, really bad. And I put the baby to bed, my son to bed and everybody was partying and I went into a blackout. And the next morning I came to and he wasn't in the bed, you know, andI didn't know where he was. And I couldn't remember if I put him in bed or not. AndI thought I did. Andi was running around the house and it was early morning on December the 15th. And it was very, very, very cold outside. And l couldn't find him in the rooms and I peeked in the room and And nobody, he wasn't there. And they were asleep. And I was running outside. And it was just a tear. It was an absolute tear. I thought, my God, he's gone outside and froze to death. And I'd heard about that happening back in cold countries. And I couldn't, and I started crying. And this roommate comes out and goes, what was wrong with you last night? Where were you? You left. And I had mud on myself. And oh, and she said, what is wrong withyou? And I just had a moment of clarity. My little baby walked out behind the room. She goes, he was in the room with me. He was just under the covers. You couldn't see him. And he walked out, and he had those little jammies with the feet in them. And I thought, this is not anyone's fault but your very own. You have no one to blame for this whole situation except you, Sheila. And it was time for me to get help. I saw my mother's life just like go before me, and I saw mine too. And I knew which road I needed to take. I called some people I'd met now, call Xenonymous. And she wasn't home, but her husband was. And he said, I know a little bit more about you than I should. And he says, I want you to come over right now. I'm so glad he answered his phone. I'm just so glad. I'm glad he wasn't too tired or anything. He said, come over right now. And I got over there and there was coffee and a big book and that's how I was 12 steps in it. Just what a miracle that was. And they talked about Alcoholics Anonymous and doing the things and going to any lengths and I was so scared and afraid. And I said, well, I'll go to a meeting tonight but I don't want to go to that meeting because Dad's at that group. And he said, Sheila, why? What are you afraid of? Your dad might be right? And I thought, well yeah, that's part of it. And, but I need my space. I need to have my own program and all that yummy stuff. And he said, that's a good group, and it's the kind of group you need, and there's sponsors there that you should get. And he says, you'll be there tonight. And I was kind of scared of him, so I went, and I had my very tightest blue jeans on, that, you know, the kind where your skin hangs over because you've got yourself so tight and can't even see. You know, and my face was white ashen. I looked awful, and I was, I just, it was an awful day. And I remember seeing them come in, and they were like, well, hi, what are you doing here type thing. Oh, we're just hanging out on a Saturday night. And they had that, you know, if you're new and you have 30 days, please raise your hand, you know, and I just kind of scratched my head. You know, one of those. And my dad happened to turn around and he saw me, you know, he got called on for participation that night and he said that he saw me raise my hand and I was in this meeting and that means I may have a problem and that he hoped that I stayed sober and that of all the Christmas presents in the world that this was the best. And my heart started to, the ice in my heart started to melt. You know, I started to feel. And that's a hard thing to do. I got this sponsor and she fired me real quick. And she just said, you need more direction than I'm willing to give. You know when I was just giving her a perm, I was real mad. So I'm driving home thinking, of course, AA's dumped me. And it's self-obsessed. And I drive and I get pulled over by the police. And I had about 60, 90 days, almost 90 days sober. And I handed my license over, Happy, Joyous, and Free. It was my California license. And he said, you're under arrest. And I said, You've got to be kidding me. I'm sober. And then he started checking my car. He started getting into the car. And I says, What's the problem? And he said, well, you've got the suspended license. You've got checks. You've gotten awesome. Never mind, never mind. I thought Oklahoma didn't have any computers, you know, so I just handed it to him. Not bright. And so I get to jail and I've got to call the dad. And, you Know, the wrath of dad is going to hit. And, You know, I remember thinking, this AA is just not going to work. This is not going... Look at me. I'm trying and bless my heart. And so I call, and yay, Mom answers, you know. Hi, what are you doing? I said, I'm in jail. She said, ho, ho. I said. I'm not in jail, Mom. I'm out of jail. She said. Jim. You know. And I. She was in jail for, you know, that whole thing. And I said you don't even need the phone to listen. And I kept saying, I am sober. I am sober. Tell them I am sober. I am sober. Jim, she is sober. I don't give a I'm going, I'm sober. I'm sober. Tell them I'm sober. Tell them I'm sober. And the jail lady walks by and goes, who cares? It's very important to be sober right now. So she said, she's sober. We've got to go get her. So she talked him into it, but she came and got me. She always comes and gets me. And she came and dropped me off at the AA clubhouse. Boy, that's where I wanted to go. Dropped you right off there. She said, well, you need to think about getting another job and And I thought I would go absolutely mad. And it was that same insanity that I remembered years and years ago when I was so insane craziness. It came over me, and I thought, you know, this isn't going to work for me. It works for you all, but I don't think I can get it. And I had no sponsor. I was at the clubhouse. I was angry, irritable. I was crazy. And I went home, and nobody happened to be there. And there was one sponsor. She was a hardcore sponsor, and she was the one that I'm not going to get her. I'll get anybody in the whole place, but i'm not getting her. and I went over and found the phone list and I called her and I said would you be my sponsor and I just got out of jail fresh out of jail would you me my sponsor and she said yes and she says but there's some things we need to discuss first and I thought here we go and so here we went you know and that sponsor was I believe exactly what I needed you know she told me you don't need to date anybody Sheila you're far too sick to date anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous or in the world and you know I listened to that for the first time. I didn't like it, but I did it. That's what I learned. I don't have to always like it. I heard Sharon talk a couple weeks ago, and she talked about, just don't listen to your head, just listen to you feet and just get going. And this sponsor is what I've heard Clancy talk about. She overruled my head. No matter how much my will thought I knew best, she always could overrule me, and that's the thing that saved my life. She was a wonderful woman. She had me be greeter. I hated being greeter, Go over and be greeter, you know. And then she'd come over and say, could you just smile a little bit? You're scaring folks. And I was like, hi, you Know, and I just was angry. And I wore this sweater to a meeting one night, and it was real low in the back. And she said, you have a lovely back, except I don't want to watch it in the meeting. And I said, well, I'm embarrassed. I'm a prism. I hate this place. Oh, I just went crazy. Took her inventory big time with everybody. And so I said,"You know, that was just a sweater. What's the big deal?" And she said, Sheila, there are men here and women that are trying to get sober and live a new way of life. You know, why don't you act like a woman and put a bra on? Why don't she be a lady? You know. What a concept. A lady? You know? I'm going to be a Lady now. They want everything from me. You know! How much more can I stand? And so, you know, and I thought about that. And there were men and women who were husband and wife and they were trying to make a living. They were trying their lives back together. And you know here I am strutting around in whatever. And she taught me about dignity. And that's the thing that has really helped me through so many, so many things, learn to walk through it with dignity. I love that. I've watched so many of you walk through things with dignity, and you're my teachers, and I'm really, really grateful for that. I had to go to meetings. I had a second job, andI had no car to get to both my jobs and to daycare, and I did it. I didn't do it by myself. I did It with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I called people, and I had to call different people every day so I didn't use the same people up. You know, I'm a user. I used you up. And so I had get a ride to daycare, and then I had got a ride from my first job and home from my second job and get Brad, and sometimes Mom and Dad would watch him, you know. A lot of times they watched him, and they helped me. They helped me so very much. They were there when I needed them most. And then I'd go on to my second time, and I had go to the meeting whether it was late or not, and just even if it was over, just stand around and be with AA people, and then walk home sometimes and get a right home, you know, and I did that. And I did that for months. And today if somebody comes to me and goes, well, I couldn't make it, I couldn'T get a ride, you know, they've got the wrong girl to be talking to. You know, I said, uh-uh, you can do this. You know? And that's the things you all taught me that don't give up and keep doing it. And I've heard your stories and I know how many of you rode buses and did stuff and it would give me encouragement and I'd pop in one of your tapes and I think maybe I said, I know this is good for you, but I don't think it's going to work for me. You all are good people and you do right things, but I'm not like you. It's too hard to do the right thing. I want to just get my paycheck and get my baby and go back to California. And she said, will you give me 90 days? She would give me 90 days to stay in Oklahoma and let's just try. And on the 89th day, I went to this goofy conference and had the thing that kept me here. The thing that kep me here and I heard two speakers and they were two women and they are wonderful women and I remember some of what they said however I remember how they looked and they looked like ladies and I wanted to be a lady and I heard part of their stories and I hear some of the things they were talking about how they live today and I want to be that and I am so grateful and I just knew I was sitting there and I knew that God wanted me to be here I knew God loved me And I knew that I was supposed to be an Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know how I knew it, and I knew everything was going to be all right. I have no idea how I know this. I just knew it. So when I was about, I kept trudging, got my car back. All the things started happening. I started taking care of my son. I started learning how to be a mom. I watched you all be moms. You taught me how to being a mother, how to become a mom, how to bathe the kid all the time, do things that I couldn't do. Everything was such a big chore. And so I went to this convention, and there were women there, and there was a workshop on forgiveness. And I went into this convention. And we were in this room, and it was a big room. And my motives were not dealing with any issues. Because I believe this is a program of action, not issues. And when I went in there, they were talking about forgiveness and how they had forgiven their mother and how this and that. And it got into that talk, and I'd already done a fourth and fifth step. And I thought, did my mother really love me? I wonder if she, you know, I know if she really loved me, why did she leave me? And I just went crazy with this horrible thinking went on again. And so I sat there, and then Tracy was in this, and she stood up, and she talked about the healing between her and her mom. And the lump on my throat is getting bigger and bigger, and bigger. And I said, God, I just don't want to feel this stuff anymore. I am sick of this. I'm sick of it. I want it to go away. And I got up, andI couldn't wait. and there were two doors and I went out one door and somebody else went out another door and they were following me and they would run in behind me and they grabbed me and she grabbed me and she held me and she let me cry and I cried and cried and cried and she said Sheila your mother loved you and she'd be proud of you because I love you and I'm proud of this and that was my mom my stepmom you know and she took the time out to look around the room to see if anybody needed anything and I needed something and I didn't even know it you know and I haven't felt that way since I just feel okay. I feel at peace with that. And that's because of you all. You know, you all have done so much for me in my life. I met a hymn that was really a regular kind of guy, pretty nice. And his hair is really, really long. Dad didn't like long hair. But I kept saying, Daddy, you're a really great guy. He was like, mm-hmm, I've seen your great guys. And he's lived through them, you know. And so we met this, we got together and we got married and we had an AA wedding. And we dated for three years and went through some stuff and we Got Married. And I got pregnant right afterwards. And he adopted my son Brad, and Brad got a dad for that crew. That's what he said, I got a Dad for Christmas. We got married in June. And I was pregnant, and I had twins. And in my seventh month, one of the babies got ill. We had a boy and a girl, and the little girl got very ill. And it was on a Friday that we found this out. And my home was covered with Alcoholics Anonymous through the whole weekend. You know, the whole week in AA was there for me. And they didn't want me to be alone, and there was an ice storm. You know? And they came to my house because they didn' t care. You know?, They just came. And, you know, I still have a lot of hope. I had to talk to my home group that Saturday night. And the girl called me and said, If you don't want to talk, that's fine. And I said, No. I said., Let me think about it. And my husband, he was not a member of this program but a friend of AA's. I believe that he is a friend OFAA. He said, I think it would be the best thing for you. So I did. I went and talked to him. And then I was so obsessed with myself. And I started calling people and I started doing those things. I wanted him to not think about me. And Monday we went and we went to the doctor. And he said, I'm so sorry but your baby didn't survive the weekend. You know, so I went through the rest of the pregnancy and I carried her to the end. You know we just had to walk through that. And I know today you all taught me to get out of my cell. And now thank Sheila. and that's the thing that saved my body I was driving down the road it was months later and you know I still have that sadness for that and Norm Alpe I had a tape of his and he came on this tape and talked about a similar thing and he said that you know he had to stop looking at what he lost and look what was left you know boy that just that fixed me you know and I'm really grateful to old timers I felt so grateful and I thought that's it I'm going to look at what's left you know go help somebody else I got a bigger load than you Sheila to quit crying, you know, and get over it. And I did. And I was really, really grateful. Today, you now, I have a good life today. I have wonderful life. And I learned how to get through things because you all are my teachers. You know, I watch you and you help me. And I get to sponsor girls today, which is an absolute miracle that anyone would want what I have. But I have girls. I had several girls drink this year. And I've sponsored two girls that have died. and I sponsored some girls that just stopped going to Alcoholics Anonymous and their life got good and they went home and took care of kids, you know and that broke my heart I took one girl to her first meeting six years ago you know and it's scary you know but I know that you know, I'll just have to keep coming back maybe they'll come back and I won't be here waiting you know Tracy and I Tracy is my sister and you know she shares her mom with me you know and she shares a mom with a lot of people You know, and I'm so glad that she's here with you all. You know because I worry about it. I've got my brother came to this group and stays over for one year. You know and he's back out there doing his deal. And I don't know if he's ever going to come back. My other, her brother Duke, you know, they're just not here yet. You know? And I keep waiting for them. You know. And I hope that if one of yours comes in, I'll sit him down and give him a cup of coffee and the big book. And I'll give him AA when I hope you do the same for one of mine. Thank you for having me. Thank you.