The Difference Between Dumping in a Meeting and Sharing a Solution – Paul F.

Did you guys have fun this weekend? It is a privilege and an honor to be here. I would like to start by thanking Guy, Holly and the rest of the committee for your hospitality and your kindness. We've had an absolutely wonderful time this weekend, and we're coming back. This is probably one of the best roundups we've ever gone to. There's something special about pacing people. You guys are beautiful. Did you guys laugh this weekend? Did you? I did too. I don't know about you. I didn't laugh before I got sober. Have you guys ever noticed what happens when we laugh? You can't think. Try it. Next time you laugh, try to think. You canít laugh and think at the same time. Itís just impossible. I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I have a guarantee for everybody in this room, especially the people who are new and the people who have not completed the 12 steps. I can guarantee you that if you take the medicine outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, because that's what we call it in AA. We call it our medicine. And that's What I've Discovered. That's my medicine. And if I take my medicine, it is impossible to drink. It's impossible. And that has been my experience in the time that I have been here. I mean, because of good sponsorship, a little bit of willingness on my part, I no longer have conversations with Cap'n Crunch in the grocery store. And I seriously doubt you'll have that experience either. And for the newcomers here, I want you to be aware as a result of going through the steps and being a little bit willing, I can also guarantee you that the CIA is no longer putting microphones in your teeth. I got into this program, and I was so paranoid. I also want to thank the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. I came into this fellowship, and you women were impressive. And I looked around, and I saw how beautiful the women were in AA. And my head said, I think I can do this. And you brought me back to meetings. Your beauty brought me black. You brought me to meetings to meetings You didn't keep me sober, but you brought me back long enough until I could get hooked up with a sponsor and go through the steps and get active in this fellowship. It wasn't until I came into AA that I discovered that there were some things different about me and the non-alcoholic. One of them happens to be the way I drink. but one of the major differences I began to see as a result of going through that book with a sponsor is that my mind doesn't work the same as it does with a non-alcoholic that we alcoholics do something that non-alkoholics don't do when it comes to alcohol and that is distort reality they just don't distort reality for example, we know for a fact that non alcoholics have been known to get DUIs They simply drank and drove and got caught. That person gets arrested, they bail out of jail, and they go home. They clearly make the connection between drinking and driving. What's one of the major streets here in Payson? Main Street? What is it? 87? Now here's what separates me from the non-alcoholic. I get a DUI, I bail out a jail, And my head says, I'm not going to drink and drive on the 87 anymore. There's too many cops on that street. I do not make the connection between drinking and driving. I simply don't. Another example of that is when I was still drinking, the woman I was married to at the time, she had a company party. And I went with her to the company party, you know, with all of her bosses there. Now, my recollection is that we had a great time. And the next morning I remember describing to her, wasn't that fun? The music's jamming and we're jamming and we were dancing and we all got up on the table and we took our clothes off and we would rock it out. She says, honey, you were the only one that did that. Huh? That's how my mind works. I don't recall things the way that non-alcoholics do. I simply don't. What I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is that book. See, I don' t know about you guys, but when I came into AA, I felt like I was less of a man. I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt I was defective to the core. I felt flawed. I felt weak. I mean, I come from a strong Irish family. You know, long-lining drinkers. But there was always the attitude, if you want to stop drinking, you just grab yourself by the bootstraps and you stop. And I couldn't figure out for the life of me all the time I was drinking why I could not stop drinking. That's all I can really tell you about my drinking is I could not stop. And I felt broken. And I came into this fellowship and I got hooked up with a sponsor And we start going through that book. This one here. Maybe some of you have seen it. It's called The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's what I discovered about that book, here's why I love this book. It answers all the why questions, why I drink the way I do. I'm not defective, I'm no flawed, I am not broken. What I discovered in that book is the authors explain why I drank the way they do. it separates me from the non-alcoholic it explains why I drank it's because of simple things like mental obsession, phenomenon of craving abnormal reaction and loss of control and I don't know about you but that appealed to me and it comforted me because it explained for the first time in my life why I drink the way I do that I have an illness, I have a spiritual sickness it's called alcoholism It answers all the why questions. And in the time I've been sober, it's been my experience that you see, if the why question don't get answered, and it doesn't matter what it is in sobriety, if the white questions don't gets answered, there are no more options and there's no change. And that's what's so beautiful about that book. It answers al the why quesitons. It explains why I drank the way I did. It explains why I think the way I do. It explains why I did the things I did when drinking. And because the why questions get answered, now there are many options and there's major change. And that's exactly what happened when I came in here. I'd like to tell you about my very first meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was 19 years old. I was serving a 13-year sentence here in Arizona, Florence State Prison for narcotics. And I thought it might be a good idea if I started going to some AA meetings. I love hearing Bob last night talk about taking meetings into prisons. You were one of those guys that brought meetings into the prison for us guys that were locked up. Now, I didn't go to those meetings because I wanted to stop drinking. I went to those meeting because I want it to look really good on my jacket so when I went before the parole board They could say, hey, he's a good little convict. Let's let him go home. He doesn't have to do these 13 years anymore. Now, to understand or relate to the experience I had, try to think like a 19-year-old just for a minute. Try to think Like a 19 Year Old. Everybody in that meeting was at least 30. They even had people in there 40 and 50 years old. When you're 19, that's old. That's really old. I remember looking around the room thinking, geez man, if I was that old, I'd quit drinking too. End of the road. No more fun. I didn't end up doing the entire 13 years. I ended up doing five and I got out. And what happened next was, I would love to stand up here and tell you that I had a moment of clarity going through all those meetings in prison and I stopped drinking. And that's not what happened. What did happen was this. For the next seven years, I bounced in and out of AA. Got sober, got drunk, got sober, get drunk, got sober and got drunk. And for the life of me, I couldn't stop drinking. I used to go to meetings drunk. Nobody ever, ever 86'd me from an AA meeting. And the old timers were so patient and loving and kind and tolerant. And for a life of mine, I couldn't understand why I couldnít stop drinking and you guys were no longer drinking. See, at that time, I confused the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. See, I was under the impression that the meetings was the program of Alcoholix Anonymous, I believe that fellowship in our program is an important part of our sobriety. I believe it's an integral part. But you see, that's all I did in that seven-year period. I overlooked a couple of details, what I thought were minor details. You know, things like the 12 steps, getting a sponsor, learning how to pray and meditate, making amends, being of service to other people. And that's why I didn't stay sober. And then something came along and helped me a great deal. One day I had an, I guess you would call it an argument or disagreement with Phoenix Police Department. And I ended up assaulting three police officers. Now, you see, at that time in the state of Arizona they had a statute that if you're an ex-con that's done time for a felony and you assault any law enforcement official with your hands or with a weapon, it's a flat 25 years. So I'm looking at 25 years back in the penitentiary. That helped me to come back to Alcoholics Anonymous. That was my motivation. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop drinking. You see, alcohol was my solution to my drinking. That was My Solution. That was my medicine. And you want me to give that up? I was too afraid. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was terrified of the idea of continuing to drink because of what was happening to me and my body. And I was also terrified of what would happen if I didn't, in fact, if I did not have that medicine. And I knew for certain one thing, And that was, that pain that was deep inside of my gut right here. That emptiness that I tried to fill. Couldn't be filled with enough women, enough money, enough booze, enough drugs. And I wanted that pain, I wantedthat suffering to go away. And I was living in a constant state of fear. I think my vocation may have had something to do with the fear. I was living in Tucson at the time, and I was involved with, I guess you would call it the import business. Making frequent trips three, four times a week down to Mexico, you know. And I had a really fast car, and they didn't have the 55-speed limit back then, and the police couldn't catch me. And so I was leading a life of danger for a number of years there. So that probably had something to do with being paranoid, you know, and being afraid. So I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I did something I never did before in the seven previous years. I got a sponsor. We got through the first three steps rather quickly. I did the fourth step the best I could. I show up at his house to do the fifth step, and I'm really nervous because for the very first time in my life I put everything, because that's what you guys told me to do. You told me to put everything down on paper. That if I didn't do this I wasn't going to stay sober. And for whatever reason I believed you. So I get over his house and I am really nervous. When I am nervous I got to pee. Okay? So I go to the bathroom and I go in this guy's bathroom. Now when I see him in this guys bathroom shh in one respect shocks me in another respect appeals to me. I walk in this guy's bathroom and I'm not exaggerating, the entire ceiling and all the walls is covered with pornography. And right next to the toilet he's got a little nightstand and he's put the 24-hour book on it. And I'm thinking, hey, this must be spirituality. You know? I think I can do this. You know, because I like women and I like magazines. You know. A little bit of prayer, a little bit of porn. Anyway, I get done with my business and I go out in the living room. He's nowhere to be found. He calls out from the bedroom. He says hey, I'll be out in a minute. About two minutes later he comes out completely naked. Comes over and sits down next to me and says we're going to get down to the naked truth. And I said I don't think so. I've been locked up. I don't play that, okay? Now, that really had an impact on me because, you know, I'm going to meetings and I'm hearing you guys and you gals talk about your sponsors. You know? I'm hear you guys saying things like I just love my sponsor. I'm thinking, yeah, I bet you do. Yeah, my sponsor's really good to me. I said, I'm happy for you. And also, I saw the men hugging the men. I'm not a homophobe, you know, but maybe I'm sharing this to give you some perspective of who I was at that time. But I saw men hugging men and I thought, I don't know about this. You know, and hearing what you guys are saying about your sponsors. So you might say I have a little bit of a trust issue with sponsorship. Okay? That very same week, a couple days later, I go to a meeting and I hear this man talk in a way I've never heard anybody speak in Alcoholics Anonymous before. I don't know if these words were being spoken before and I didn't hear them or they weren't being shared. I don't know, but the words that this man used, they were foreign to my ears. You know, he said things like, step one guarantees that we're going to get drunk. That if we're truly powerless, we don't have the power to stop that. And he also said things Like, that he no longer had the power To choose whether he would or would not drink. and that there was absolutely nothing that he could personally do to keep himself sober. I'd never heard those words before. I always thought step one was, well, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. Move on to step two. And I don't know why he came up to me. Maybe because I looked like a newcomer. I mean, I was a great specimen of a man when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous at that time. I was weighing a whole 130 pounds. And that's after I'd poured a little bit of weed, and I thought I was looking good. So he came up to me, and this man only asked me one question. Only one. He said, do you have a sponsor? And I said no. He didn't ask me if I wanted one. He said well you got one now. I later discovered, he is what we often refer to in our rooms as old school AA. that in the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous, it was not up to the newcomer to get a sponsor. It was the sponsor's job to reach out to the new comer. And I was so full of fear. I was afraid of being rejected by you guys. And so when he said, I'll be your sponsor, I was relieved. I was also a little hesitant. And we sat down and talked And, of course, I had some of my own conditions. I said, I'll work with you on one condition. He said, what's that? And I said that you promised me you'll keep your clothes on. He said what the hell are you talking about? And I told him what happened. He said oh, my goodness, that is the sickest SOB in the entire valley of Phoenix. How did you get hooked up with him? I said I have no idea. I thought that was a reflection of alcoholic traumas. That's what I thought you guys were. And I thoughtthat's what you're all about. And just to fast forward a little bit, just to put you at ease, I love hugging men today. I'm okay with that. I don't have a problem with that." So what happened is we sat down and we started to go through the steps. Now, I'm a relapser. I shouldn't know. I stand corrected. I was a relapse. Any relapsers in here? I've since discovered in the Alcoholics Anonymous that we relapsers have several things in common and I find and found over the time I've been sober every single man I've ever worked with in AA who was a relapser possessed the same characteristics that I did that all relapses have the following in common number one, we have secrets and see in that seven year period I had a lot of secrets I wasn't willing to go to any length you see what happened to me in that seven year period where I wasnít able to stay sober I was doing half measures you see it was you guys that taught me about the coke machine in Alcoholics Anonymous some of you may already know about the Coke machine you go to a Coke machine and it takes a dollar to get a Coke I kept putting 50 cents in expecting to get half a Coke you put 50 cents in that Coke machine you're getting nothing half measures availed us nothing and that's one of the reasons why I didn't say it's over so I was willing to go through the steps with this guy but I still had one little secret I wasn't willing to tell him and see it was in the rooms of AA that I discovered that secrets are not limited to conduct. See, I had an attitude and that attitude was I didn't believe that the 12 steps would work for me. I was convinced they were working for you because I saw it in your faces. I saw them in your eyes. When we'd go to meetings and you had that happy ear-to-ear smile and you were just so happy and I wanted to throw up when I saw how happy you were. And the other thing that I wanted to throw up about was you talked about God all the time. It's like, geez, here we go again. But here is my little secret. My motive for going through the steps that first time with that man was not to have a spiritual awakening. That was not my motive. My motive from going through this since the first time was to prove to you that they don't work. So we could go all the way through the steps and I could go back to you and I Could shove it in your face and say, see, this doesn't work! So we go through the stairs and something magical happened. All of a sudden, the compulsion of their drink was gone. And here's what I discovered from that experience. That it doesn't matter how much doubt It doesn't matter how skeptical. It doesn'T matter how disbelieving I am. My doubt cannot stop the power of spiritual principles contained in the 12 steps. It's identical to this water right here. So if my friend John here comes up and says, Here Paul, I have some water and I guarantee you that if you drink it, it will quench your thirst. And my response is, That isn't going to work. Water doesn't quench our thirst. He said, Try it. Just try drinking the water and I can guarantee you it will quench you thirst. And I can drink it with the attitude, this isn't going to work. See, my doubt can't stop the water from quenching my thirst. And that was the experience I had in those 12 steps. So if there's anybody here that's new, if there'S anybody here who hasn't completed the 12 steps and you have any doubt whatsoever, However, any disbelief, it can't stop the power of the steps in our lives. And that's exactly what happened to me. So he took me through the steps somewhere between four and six weeks. I went to treatment for 30 days. I moved into a men's halfway house. And it was shortly after that that I hooked up with him. Do the math. And then he cut me loose. He said, okay, now I want you to go out and I want you to start taking others through the steps. My response was, I'm going to kill somebody! He said that's not possible. All you have to do is simply duplicate what I've shown you. So I went out and I started doing that. I got a lot of flack from some of the old timers because there were some people in my area of the attitude, you know, you're not sober long enough to take people through the steps with the attitude you should be sober at least a year. I don't know about you, but I can't find that anywhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. What if Bill and Bob did that? You guys aware of how long Dr. Bob Smith, our co-founder, was sober when he worked with the first alcoholic? Two days. And they had no book. They had no books, they hadno steps, theyhadno air group, theyhadnohomegroup. They hadno roundups. But they had some hope. That's what they had. And that's my understanding of why we're here today. And that'S my understanding of what we're supposed to be doing in our meetings is to carry a message of hope. That's the only purpose of meetings. That's What I was taught. That the only function for me in an AA meeting is to Carry a Message of Hope. I was also taught that meetings are not a place for me to take my problems. That that's what the phone is for. That's what coffee before the meeting is for. That's why coffee after the meeting is for and also there's a difference between dumping in a meeting and sharing a problem along with a solution. Now I don't know about you but that gives me a lot of hope when I see a guy or a gal bring a problem to a meeting and they talk about it and then in the next breath they start talking about the solution that they're using to walk through that problem. You see, that first sponsor of mine he gave me a guarantee and I can give this guarantee to anybody in this room who hasn't completed the steps. He said that if you follow the instructions in that book, I can guarantee you that you will have a foundation that will be unshakable. And that's been my experience in the entire time I've been sober. That that foundation has been unshak able. Now, that unshak able foundation does not mean I will not feel. It does not mean I won't grieve. It does now mean that I won' t experience disappointment, anger, sadness. and so on. Because I've also learned along the way that we have this thing called spiritual condition in our rooms and we also have this things called the human condition. And they're not to be confused. In other words, it doesn't matter how spiritually fit I think I am, my friend Guy here can come up to me and pinch me and I'm going to say, ouch! I'm doing this. I'm not going to experience pain. And they are not to being confused. I had a wonderful sponsor who taught me about accepting my humanness, which has been a big struggle for me throughout my entire sobriety, is to accept that I have limitations, that I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm gonna screw things up. So along the way, this court case is proceeding and the sponsor goes with me down to the courthouse for the sentencing and he stops me outside of the courithouse. He says, I want to talk to you before we go in here. He said, hey, I wants you to know that it's not up to the judge whether or not you go back to prison. I said, what do you mean? He said there's a higher court operating. It's called God. He said if it's God's will for you to go back to prison, just think of all the alcoholics you could be of service to. Thank you for that inspiration. He said if it is God's world for you to be of service out here, we're going to walk out of that courthouse together and that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen But I had already resigned the idea that I'm screwed. I'm going back to prison for 25 years. I'm 31 years old at the time. We get in there. The judge starts to ask me some really weird questions. He starts asking me questions about my drinking. He said, I understand you have a drinking problem. Yes. Are you doing anything about that? Yes. I'm doing something about it. I'm not going to AA. He says, I understood they have sponsors in AA. You got one of them? Yeah, he's right back here. He said I also understand they have 12 steps. You doing those? Yeah. Wonderful. He scribbles something on the paper, and he leans up and he says, and he sentences me to one year unsupervised probation. I had to replace three uniforms. I had paid their hospital bills, which were extensive. I had replaced one pair of boots because somehow during our disagreement, but the officer's boot got stuck in my mouth, and I penetrated his boot and broke his toe. And then he said, don't ever come before me again. Now, don' t get me wrong, I was elated and I was grateful to be walking out of that courthouse, but I turned to my sponsor and I said, what the F was that? I'm in shock. He said, there's a higher court operating here and it's called God. He said it doesn't matter what the circumstances are. It doesn't care what the laws say. If God wants something to happen, it's going to happen because there's an upper court operating. And I walked out of there a free man. And that proceeded along the way in sobriety. And I'm out there and I'm sponsoring guys and I've been picking guys up off the streets and I am taking them to detox and I take them to halfway houses and I'm taking them to meetings. And along the way, I got cocky. And I had one of those magical disappearing glove boxes. Any of you have one of Those? You open the glove box and you toss traffic tickets in them and you shut the glovebox and they disappear. And I kept getting all these traffic tickets, you know. I kept sliding them into the old glove box. And after a period of time, I'll come back around and I'm going through the steps again because I had a sponsor who educated me about the steps and the traditions and nowhere in our literature does it say we go through the Steps one time and rely on the maintenance steps 10, 11, and 12. It says we practice these principles and we go though the steps on a repeated basis and that's what we're doing and come back to the steps and come around to another inventory and I happen to mention the tickets He said, you probably got some bench warrants out for your arrest. You better check into that. And through a series of phone calls, I discovered, sure enough, there were several bench warrents out for my arrest. And through another series of call calls, I made arrangements to go see a judge. I didn't pay attention to the name of the judge. And so I could go down there and make arrangements to pay off these tickets. So I get down there, and I'm sitting out in the outer office of the Judge's office, and I'm thinking about what I can say to this judge. Well, I've got this, I mean, it was a big old pile of tickets. Here's what I plan to say to him. Your Honor, I haven't been busy. I've been saving lives. I've not been out there picking up drunks off the street and taking them to AA and taking him to detox and taking Him to halfway houses. You know, just short of my goodness knows no bounds, you know. Anyway, the secretary comes out and says, Judge will see. And I go into the judge's office, and it's the sentencing judge. And I remember what he said when I walked out of that courtroom. He said, don't come before me again. So I go in there, and he says, hey, what's up with these tickets? And what fell out of my mouth was, I've been irresponsible. He says, what do you want to do about this? And I said, well, can I set up a payment plan? He said sure, how much can you afford? I told him. He said, that's fine. Started asking me those weird questions again. He said hey, you still going to those meetings? I said yeah. You still got that sponsor? Yeah. Still doing them steps? Yeah. Wonderful. Don't come before me again. I slayed one more time. about three months later my home group at the time was called the rush hour group and I had to work late so I didn't get to the meeting until about 20-25 minutes after the hour it was speaker participation they get to the meeting late and I walk in the doorway and I look up at the podium and there's that judge sharing his experience, strength and hope I had no idea I don't have the power or the capability to orchestrate anything of that magnitude it's just not possible I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I was a liar, cheat, thief and a slut and I was busy and then 18 years ago I met the most wonderful woman I know my current life mate, Jan, who spoke this weekend. I'm not a slut anymore. I came in here with no morals. I had no character. And I was full of fear. And I had no plan. When I came in after that seven year period of relapsing in and out, a word started to fall out of my mouth that never came out of my mouth before. And it's a word that those of us that have been around a while, we come to recognize it rather quickly with the newer person. And, it's typically a word that indicates that the person is teachable and is willing. And its a two-letter word And that word is okay. It was suggested that I go to treatment for 30 days. I said, okay. I didn't think it was going to work because it was my fourth treatment. Because the three previous treatments, both all times, I would get discharged and I immediately went to a bar. Because you see, I had a plan. I had an idea. I had planned how to do this deal. And I didn�t have to do it like you people. I remember going to meetings early on and watching people introduce themselves. Hi, my name is John. I'm an alcoholic. I remember thinking, how lame. What have I gotten myself into here? And then all that talk about God. But the word okay kept falling out of my mouth. And after training, hey Paul, we recommend that you move into this men's halfway house. And I said, okay. Paul, we recommend that you get a sponsor. Okay. We suggest you go through the steps. Okay. We suggest that you go to the hospital. We suggest to get a home group. Okay. Because when I met that guy at that meeting who spoke in a way I'd never heard before, we sat down at the table and I told him a little bit about my history and how long I've been bouncing in and out. And he asked me the question that we typically ask all relapsers. What do you think you ought to do different this time? And the words that fell out of my mouth at that time, I had never spoken before. And those words were, I don't know. I just don't now anymore. I had run out of ideas. Today I'm grateful for every single drop of alcohol that I drank because what it did for me is it brought me to my knees and it got me ready to surrender. and see I'm like that soldier in his army who's been defeated by another army the very first thing that soldier does is he surrenders his weapon he only surrenders the weapon for one reason one reason only, he doesn't want to die and he does not surrender the weapon with an attitude he surrendERS it willingly And that sponsor educated me about my weapons. And my weapons are simply my ideas. I can stand up here, there's not one single thing, not one thing that's positive, that's in my life today, that's a direct result of an original idea. It was never my idea to go to meetings. It was not my idea get a sponsor, do the steps, pray, meditate, make amends, work with others, etc., etc. It all came from you guys. It came from someone else. I'm convinced that my ideas don't work most of the time. And then something happened right around 16 years, I'm forced to talk about this today because Jan talked about it yesterday. I've talked about before in previous talks and it's no big deal but sometimes I don't talk about it talk about it, but she forced me into it and she talked about my dried trunk. Right around 16 years of sobriety, here's what happened to me. I started back off on some of the disciplines. I'm talking about meditation. I'm telling about evening review. I am talking about being honest, about being accountable. The arrogance came back. I wasn't approachable. I was abrasive with people, and I started to lie. And I started getting into some dishonest behavior. And there were some people around me who loved me enough to conduct an air mention. One of them was my sponsor, my wife. We had attended, as a matter of fact, we were at the Prescott Shoestring Roundup. And that weekend, I thought it was kind of interesting. A couple of my friends from Texas were at that roundup. And hadn't seen them in a couple of years. Thinking, wow, you come all the way out here for this roundup, huh? Walked into a room. We're all sitting around in a circle. And I said, there was an empty chair. Turned to my sponsor and said, hey, what's going on? He said, we're having a meeting that's about you. I came and sat down and they said alright this is what we're seeing and they all did it with love and I couldn't deny any of it and he gave me some specific instructions and one of them at the time was he said I want you to give up all positions of leadership because I've been in a lot of service work through the years and I said I'll do that because I was willing to go any length at that time and that dry drunk lasted a year and a half maybe two years I was experiencing what I like to call sobriety. Because that's what it was. It was not sobriete, it was sobrieting. And it's been my experience that I'm only going to experience one of two things in Alcoholics Anonymous and I've seen it consistently happen in our rooms. I'm already going to have one or two experiences. I'm either getting better or I'm getting sicker. And I've had those periods where I wasn't drinking but I was getting sick. there were things I was overlooking. There were things I wasn't being honest about. There were thinks I wasn' t willing to talk about. There were think I wasn''t willing to face. And I'm grateful that it wasn' lt necessary to drink in that period of time. I find it to be a miracle. It's a miracle that all of us are sober here today. I don' t know if you're aware of it, but miracles define as unexpected or unexplained event. And I've come to believe that my sobriety is solely through the grace of God. Grace is defined as unearned favor or gift. I didn't work for it. I didn' t earn it. Yes, it's important for me to be willing. But it's solely through God's grace that I'm sober. And I' ve also come to discover that it's my job to take care of that gift called sobriety. It's not my sponsor's job, it's not my home group's job. It's my job. And I've also come to understand that there's only one way I will drink. It has nothing to do with being alcoholic. Dr. Silkworth, who wrote the chapter Doctor's Opinion, he wrote a paper called Slips in Human Nature. He clearly identifies in that paper why the alcoholic drinks again who's being exposed to the solution in AA. You see, my sobriety is my responsibility. That's not to be confused with I have the power to keep myself sober, but rather it's my job to make the amends. It's my work to keep me sober. It's not my job to do the prayer. It's mine job to do meditation. It's mind job to do evening review. It's man job to work with others. and he explains in that paper clearly that's the only reason an alcoholic in AA will drink again who's been exposed to the solution more simply put I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing so you see I can't fall back on the excuse I drank because I'm an alcoholic and I've also come to discover that drinking again under those circumstances has nothing to do with being an alcoholic it's not a characteristic of an alcoholic to drink again who's not taking their medicine, who's been exposed to it. It's kind of like the diabetic. You know, the diabetic has a condition. He knows about it. He doesn't deny it. He takes his insulin. He maintains his food plan. So if he refuses to take his insulin, is that a characteristic of being diabetic? No. It's a characteristic of being human. And that's what Dr. Silkworth says in that paper. That if I drink again, it's a characteristic of me being irresponsible of taking care of that gift. See, He gave me this precious gift. You know, it would be like my friend Mike over here giving me a precious gift let's say it was a glass bone figurine of a horse and I can appreciate that gift I'm not going to leave that laying around somewhere where some knucklehead can come in and step on it and crush it I'm going to put it up someplace safe and I'm gonna protect it and I'm going to take care of it. And as a result of going through those steps on a repeated basis and being a service to others in this program, I've learned a lot of things from you guys. You guys taught me, especially the men, you taught me about in my part of the valley in Phoenix what we like to call Big Boy AA. We have Little Boy AA and we have Big Boy AAA. And big boy AA is where there's accountability. I have two home groups, one of them is a stag group and the other one is a literature meeting. And something happens in stag groups that I don't experience in mixed meetings. For you gals that are unaware, or even some of you men that may not be aware of it, there's no such thing as a bad hair day in a stags group. It just doesn't exist. There's a level of honesty that exists there that may not exist in a mixed group. It may or may not. I don't know. But what I do know is that it's important for this alcoholic to have at least one stat group in my diet and eatings. Because, you see, I love you women, but only a man can understand me as a man. You know how I feel. You know who I think. You know where I react. because we have so much more in common, we men. And you see, I didn't want anything to do with men. I didn' t want anything to do when I came into this fellowship. You've got to trust somebody. And through the years I've been able to establish firm, solid relationships with men and every time the shits hit the fan in some area of my life it's always been the men that have been there for me. You guys taught me how to grow up and early sobriety guy showed up one day with a t-shirt and said, F off. This old timer came with me and said hey, did anybody tell you you can't wear that anymore? What do you mean? You know I want to be respectful because he's an old timer but I'm thinking internally, I'm thinking who does he think he is? He said didn't anybody tell ya? Tell me what? That you're a spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous. What? He says everywhere you go you are a spokesman. The people down at Denny's, you go down there for coffee before the meeting after meeting, they know who you guys are. And you are a reflection of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you're going to give that impression to those people about us? I got rid of that shirt. You guys taught me that I'm a spokesman for Alcoholics Enormous. It doesn't matter where I'm at. My sponsor taught me. Act like you're being watched. He said the true quality of your sobriety will not be measured by what you say or do in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's going to be measured by how you conduct yourself in between the meetings. How am I treating Jan, my wife? How amI treating that clerk? How am i treating that waitress? That's a true measure. That's the area of my life where I have an opportunity to practice these principles and I'm not going to do it perfectly. I'm going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. Some of you may know about Ernest Kurtz, who is the man who wrote the first history on Alcoholics Anonymous. And the book is called Not God. He wrote a second book called The Spirituality of Imperfection. I believe he said it better than anybody in the world. He said the key to inner peace is embracing our limitations. And for the newcomer, I've got a news flash for you. All my defects do not get removed. And then you wonder why we continue to look at them. There are only a couple that have been completely removed. I don't commit crimes anymore. I don' t assault people anymore. And I don''t use weapons on other people anymore . . . I don´t lie as much. As a matter of fact, it was Jan who I learned how to help my lying. It's a challenging approach, but it works every single time. you're standing there and you're talking to the person you're lying you stop right in the middle of it and you say I'm lying it'll break it just like that guaranteed to work every single time just tell them I'm dying nah, I didn't catch 15 fish I didn' t catch anything see when I came into this fellowship I was afraid you wouldn't accept me I wanted you guys to like me so badly, I was willing to lie. And I came up with this one lie in early sobriety. I thought it would be really cool, or rather, you would think I was cool, if you had known that I had seen the Rolling Stones three times. And I was in the second row. Wow, that Paul's a cool guy. Man, he's seen the stones three times. I told that lie so many times, I started to have memories. Maybe I was really there. Maybe I wasn't a blackout. As a result of being of service and continuing to go through the steps, I've been given the privilege of doing some wonderful service work in Alcoholics Anonymous. One of those is to go out and travel around the country and lead spiritual retreats and take people through the steps in one weekend in the way they did it in the 1940s. And anyway, I was leading this men's retreat down at this one monastery south of Tucson, St. David. And I told that story. And at the end of the retreat, this guy came up to me after we finished with the Lord's Prayer and he had a little box. He said, I have a gift for you and I want you to have it. And I opened it up and it was a Rolling Stone hoodie. You guys told me that I could face anything, that the steps guaranteed that if I followed those instructions that I would have that foundation that would be unshakable. And in the time I've been sober, I've had my heart broken. I've Been Betrayed. I've Had People Die. Five years ago, I think it was five, my best friend in the whole world went back out after 15 years and died. That was a very painful loss for me to deal with because it woke me up five or six years ago. You see, I was under the delusion that I had a lot of friends in AA. And I came to the awareness I only had one. Had lots of pals. Had lots of pals in AA I went to dinner with. I went Toe Ball games with. Went camping with and things like that. But I only have one friend. And some of you may or may not grasp that. But you see, it's a different dimension to have a friend in Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is where I can completely be myself and let down all my walls. The last sponsor I had... No, that's not accurate. I had this sponsor who I picked up just before my fifth birthday because I hit another wall at five years. and this man sponsored me for 22 years. He was my sponsor. He was my surrogate father that I never had. He was my friend and he loved me and he never judged me and he knew every secret. I'm not talking about the stuff I did when drinking, I'm talking about the stuff I did in AA. and he never judged me and three years ago he passed away with cancer it has been the most difficult loss in my entire life it left an emptiness in me that I can't remember experiencing for a very long time and my last three years has been the most challenging period of my sobriety I've gone through several sponsors and it's just been difficult and I've come to understand what it is that's going to be helpful to me and maybe will be helpful to some of you that are new in this room we have lots of ideas about what to look for in a sponsor and I'm coming to discover that none of them are right and none of em are wrong do we have to find something that's gonna work for us but what I found helpful to me and this was established with that sponsor his name was Dave and that is it's helpful for me to have a sponsor who has something that I want and that he wants what he has that's very important I've been with Jan for 18 years I'm not the kind of guy I believe can be sponsored by a single guy I need a married man who can help me in that area because that's probably my biggest area of challenge not that there's anything wrong with Jan but there are some things wrong with me you guys, Jan's not going to appreciate the next story I'm going to tell but I'm gonna tell it anyway you guys see her roll her eyes you guys taught me about love see I used to think that love was a feeling I also used to believe that love was a horizontal act and sometimes vertical but I've come to discover it's neither of those things that love is a verb love is doing something for someone because it's important to them, it's unimportant it's not important to me Jan adores Neil Diamond I don't hate the guy, I just don't care for him he's not my cup of tea and she comes to me one time and she asked me if I'd be willing to go to this Neil Diamond concert with her. And I said, sure, I'd love to. You'd do that for me? Yeah, why? I said because it's important to you. So we go down there and we're standing outside a coliseum and I'm just people watching, looking around. And she turns to me and she says, sweetheart, are you afraid that somebody you know is going to see you? Now keep in mind, Jan and I live in a two-story house. There's her story, and then there's my story. We both have different recollections of that event. I swear that the thoughts I had about it stayed in my head. She swore as it came out of my mouth. But what I recall thinking to her question was, no, because nobody I know would even be here. And we went inside, and I had a great time. Had a wonderful time. You guys taught me that. The old-timers in these rooms and the people that were here before me, you basically taught me three basic things in Alcoholics Anonymous. Get a sponsor, do the steps, and work with others. I've come to understand that the steps are not designed to be understood but rather designed to be experienced and it's through that experience comes the understanding and I've also come to learn that the purpose of the first 11 steps is to prepare me to do the real work in our way and that's working with others that that is the basic premise of Alcoholics Anonymous that's how this whole thing started think about it this stockbroker who couldn't find his butt in the dark gets hooked up with a butt doctor. Okay? That's what he was! Dr. Bob was a proctologist. That is the juice of alcoholics and armists working with others. And you can easily spot the guys and the gals in these rooms that are doing the deal I'm talking about taking other people through the 12 steps. It's the real juice. There's nothing like it. You can't explain to somebody else what it's like working with another who's never had the experience. It's ideal to try to explain to somebody what sex is like who's never gotten laid. They'll never get it. The authors talk about that. That is the juice is working with others. Those are my teachers have also been taught that sponsorship is not about teach and learn. I'm not teaching them anything. They learn from their experience, just like I did. And I only have two things to share with them. Only two. My experience and what it says in the book. The authors even tell us that our greatest asset is not our sobriety, but rather our past. My past is my greatest asset. Without that past of suffering with alcoholism, I wouldn't have the compassion and the understanding and the love that I can experience today with the suffering alcoholic and the new guy that's coming in behind me. And you new people, you are the future of alcoholics and owners. You! Every single person in this room today has worth and value. Every person in this world has something to share whether they've completed the steps or not. We all are in a position to give a message of hope and help somebody who's coming behind us so that the next alcoholic who shows up has a place to go to. I'm so thankful that the people before me were doing what they were doing and have the love and the patience and the tolerance. Because when I first arrived here, my friends called me stark raving sober. That's what they called me. You might say I was a little pissed off. I mean, just to illustrate very quickly, and then we'll wrap this up. But, you know, I reached a point. I think it was Donna who talked about it. I had a similar experience that she had. You know, I reached the point it was one of those periods where I was having some sobriety and everything was just falling apart. I mean, you take my medicine away, I'm worse than I was when I was drinking. And I went to this meeting. It was a ticket meeting. My ticket got pulled and I got off the podium and I let it rip. I hate sobrieting. And this is a bunch of crap, and it's a con job, and this is the frickin' call. Blah, blah, blah. Ring, ring, ring. And just ranting and raving. And these two guys in the quarterback, they were snickering. And you effers, I'm kicking your butts out of the meeting. Out of control. And after the meeting, this old-timer came up. You know how they are. They put that warm hand on your shoulder, and they speak softly. He says, young man, you keep doing what you're doing, you'll probably stay sober. Huh? Didn't you hear what I just said about your program? He said, You told the truth. And see, we men suffer from that, I believe, more than women. You gals, I mean, you get the program, you just let it rip. Not us guys, no. We try to act well. I mean I can get up here and go, Yep, wife just left me, dog died, got fired I'm fine I'm cool one day at a time, easy does it let go of that God I'm alright so afraid to tell you the truth when I'm hurting when I am in pain because I can't get through it so what I've discovered is the principles and the steps they're not designed to remove my problems they're designed to enable me to cope and get through sober There's even a warning in the book for us. It's on the bottom of page 14. I don't know if you're familiar with it. For if the alcoholic failed to enlarge and perfect his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the most positive trials ahead. What do you think that means? They're telling me life's going to throw me a curve somewhere down the road and I better be exercising my spiritual muscles. I didn't know I had spiritual muscles. We have spiritual muscles just like physical muscles. And if I'm doing the work in those steps, if I set up a daily regimen of prayer and meditation, because I've discovered I can't have a relationship with God through prayer because that's one-way communication. So our relationships are based on two-way communications, talking, listening. It'd be like Bob calling me up on the phone and without meditation, it's like him calling me up on the phone and inviting me to his house for a party and I hang up before I get directions on how to get there. And that's what happened in early sobriety. I'm praying my butt off and I'm still having all this chaos and conflict in my life and I wonder why. And people in the rooms just said, Just pray more. You've got to pray more." And then I found some people that gave me the instructions for meditation. He said, You're not listening. You're doing all the talking. and to do that evening review and to continue to go through the steps and to work with others. There is no way in my lifetime I could ever repay Alcoholics Anonymous for what you've given me. Not in my life time. Something happened to me early on in sobriety. I'm not going to go into detail about it. I'll just tell you the contents of what happened. what happened was the God of my understanding made a deal with me. He offered me a guarantee, and his guarantee was this. If you will help others, I will guarantee you will never ever drink again. That's all you want? that's all I have to do is just help others and you can guarantee I'll never ever drink or use again yes and that's been my experience my sobriety date is August 26, 1981 my 25 years was very significant to me because in the year that I picked up my 25 year chip was the year and month that I would have been released from prison and serving that 25 years. And on my 25th birthday, I called my sponsor, the one who passed away from cancer, and I had never, throughout the 22 years he sponsored me, I had ever told him the full story about that judge. So I decided to tell him the entire story. And I kept on telling him the story and why the 25 years was so significant. He proceeded to describe the judge to me. He knew the judge's name. Now keep in mind, this man didn't sponsor me until I was sober almost five years. And that event, assaulting those officers, happened in early sobriety. And I asked him how he knew the Judge's name? He said, I was sponsoring him at the time. We have a thing in Alcoholics Anonymous called synchronicity. that there's a higher court operating in our lives. And for those of you that are new and have a desire to achieve something in sobriety, go back to school or whatever, get that degree, that there is a higher code operating and God has bigger and more power than just one quick example and then I'm going to close. And I could sit here and tell you example after example, I'm currently sponsoring a guy who's a felon who wants to go to nursing school. And the state of Arizona gave him a fingerprint card. Now how is that possible? He's not supposed to get that fingerprint card, but he jumped through all the proper hoops and wrote the proper letters and so on and so forth and they decided to go ahead and give him his fingerprint card so he can go to nursing school." So we have dreams that we can fulfill. I'm going to close by reading this. I'm gonna change one word, which explains my experience in AA. The last 29 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I've had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is life. But also I've known a great deal of joy and a peace that is a handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and with my AA friends an unusual quality for fellowship. For to these people I am truly related. First through mutual pain and despair and later through neutral objectives and newfound faith and hope. And as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love without strings, without obligation, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the keys of the kingdom. God bless all of you and thank you.