The Difference Between Doing Wrong and Doing Harm — Pat R.

I'm a recovered alcoholic. My name is Pat Rogan. Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outline in this big book about alcoholics anonymous, which is the program that I have recovered from a seemingly local state of mind and body. I'll be forever grateful. I can't even tell you what this program has done for me. It just didn't save my life, but it gave me a new life. And all it's ever asked me is if somebody asked me to do something like this to say yes, and if somebody ever asked me for help to say yes, and that's all this program has ever asked of me. That's just an incredible thing to be blessed like I have been blessed, and to answer those two simple questions. And I get to do that. I get to work with other people. And what you don't know is you guys help me more than I help you. I think Bill Wilson learned that very early on in his recovery. And a successful 12 Steps calls when I don't get by. If you get it, that's a bonus. But if I stay sober, it's been successful. It's a new economy. We live in a new economy. It's the only place you give stuff away and you get more. Anywhere else in life, you give away property, you have less. You give away money, you have less. Here, you give it away and you'll get more. And that's just an incredible economy that we get to live in. But you have to experience that if you're new here. I'm going to probably talk a lot about the 9 Step again tonight. This is not where you start the program. Well, there's eight steps in front of these, in this finalist step that you need to work before you get here. It's important that we get right spiritually and mentally before we go out and get right with the physical world, these three dimensions that we live in. And in the first three steps, the first two especially are, in my opinion, a requirement. There's no requirement for membership, but there's surely a requirement for membership. And there's no requirement for membership. There's no requirement for membership. And there's surely a requirement for membership. for a spiritual awakening, for a spiritual experience. And that is that you have to admit defeat. That's a must. You have to admit that you can't stay stopped and you can't control once you start. Those are the two questions on page 44. And you have to believe that no human power can keep you stopped. In my life, that was not a tough conclusion to come up with because I drank and gave up custody of my son. No one I love more than that boy. No one on this planet that I love more than that boy. And I traded him for a drink. I've traded relationships for a drink. I've given up careers for a drink. I've given up my freedom for a drink. It was obvious to me that there was no human power, no judge, no son, no wife, no mother that was going to keep me stopped. And I think, and our book says, being convinced of that, then we are in step three. And that's where I stop. I'll say it again when we get to 12 steps. This is where I stop. If the guys don't work, we can say, are you convinced of the three-part idea? So are you convinced of the first two steps? And if they're not, we're done. As Bill would say, either re-read the book and come to a different conclusion. And he said, throw it away. I'm not going to tell you to throw it away. But then we make a decision to get right with God. We make a decision to find out the truth about ourselves. This is what we're doing. This rigorous honesty. Where the unfortunate slide, this incapability of being rigorously honest. Can we get honest about ourselves? The book's telling me that I'm self-re-self-centered, driven by fear, self-delusion, self-pity, and I step on your toes and you retaliate, and I blame you. Is that true? That, to me, is what four, five, six, and seven is about. Is that true? And I found out the truth in step four. Find the facts, face the facts, and find the truth about myself. Do a searching and fearless moral inventory. That's what they're talking about. And I learned that he was right. The book is right. I am selfish. I am self-centered. I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, and self-pity. When I saw the truth of that in paper, and then I confessed that to none of you. I confessed it to a priest because I didn't trust none of you. That's just the truth. This is where they're at. This is where they're at. And the way I said before, that's where gossip kills in these rooms. You know, I sat around at Denny's, listening to you guys talk about everybody in these meetings. There was no way I was sharing a fifth step with you and having that crap on the Denny's table next week. So I took mine to a priest because I thought by law the Lord allowed me to share that knowledge. That's true. Might be just some priestly code. I'm not sure. But I took mine to a priest and I got free. And Kim shared about it on Monday night. Great talk, by the way. How did I have me tears? And I had my spiritual awakening except by my first major. I've had many epiphanies since that. I've had many experiences since that but I had a major spiritual awakening, except by a whole new world. And it took you, I developed a relationship in my heart. I didn't just believe that there was God. I wasn't willing to believe there was a God, there was a God that was proven to me. There was an invisible God, a real God, a real God that was proven to me. force that was proven to be that day that entered my heart and changed my whole attitude and outlook on life. Changed everything. I saw a whole different world in front of me after that day. And I was painfully aware of my defects of character. I haven't seen the truth in it in steps four and five. Painfully aware. And I wanted them removed. I was willing to have them removed. Not that I'm capable of that. But with God's self, and with God working through you, I can overcome those defects of character to some degree. And I'm getting better. I'm never going to be perfect at it, but I'm going to get closer. And I think each day I try to kill that old self off and create a new self. As Paul would say, successful living comes from daily dying. I think each day I try to kill a little bit of that old self off and create this new person. Hopefully some days I take a few steps back. And other days I take a bunch of steps forward. But I think I shared it last week. The way I see six and seven is the way I see one and two. I am powerless over alcohol. And only God can remove the obsession to drink. I am powerless over my defects of character. And only God can remove those defects of character. That's the way I see six and seven. Without God's help, I am powerless over my instinctual drive. I am powerless over wanting you to like and accept me. I am powerless over having an emotional relationship with someone. Having somebody depend on me or me depend on you. I am powerless over my need for the material or the financial. Because that leads to the prestige and the recognition. And I am powerless over my success. Without God's help, I cannot reel them in. And it's not about eliminating them. It's about reeling them in to a point where God intended them to be in the first place. Not taking these instinctual drives, the social, the security, the sex instinctual drives to a point where they hurt other people. Keeping them reeled in. I think you might call it living by spiritual principles. What a concept. Trying to live by spiritual principles. Unfortunately, we have a step later on when I'm not living by spiritual principles. I can reel that in too. And I believe six and seven is that short in the book because we're going to address our character defects on a moment-to-moment basis in step ten if we get to step ten. And I don't think it's a coincidence that six and seven is plugged in between five and eight and nine because we better change or we're going to show up and make an amends to the people that we have on. I've got to show up different. I can't be showing up the same person, that same selfish, self-centered individual that they knew before. I better show up different. I better show up and not be a taker. That's the first time in my life. Mom used to hide her purse when I showed up. I better have changed and not have her have to hide her jewelry in her purse when I showed up. Some demonstration. I mean, maybe the demonstration doesn't always need to come first, but without it, the words mean little. Right? And words mean very little without the demonstration. That's why I think that it's a good idea not to make I didn't, look where Bill puts the family events at the end. There's a reason for that. We're going to go make some simple amends and show them that we have changed before we get to a point where we're going to make amends to the family or to the spouse or to the children. Those are the last amends Bill addresses. Because what's he saying? We come up out of the cyclone cellar and we want to apologize. All right, everything's good now. I'm sorry. With any grand, the wind stopped blowing. It's all good now. But that's what I wanted to do. And if you're new here, you probably want to do the same thing, right? I'm sorry. Let me back in the house. That's what I wanted. I shared it with you guys. I'm suffering three months in the program. Brian reads the doctor's opinion to me. The light comes on, I realize I'm not crazy, I'm sick. I'm not crazy. I suffered from an illness. I thought I was crazy. Anybody else think they were crazy when they got here? Who doesn't go home at night? Who has a couple of days and doesn't show up? Who doesn't show up on Christmas Eve? Who does that? Who gives up career? and children and relationships. Who gives that up unless you're crazy about sick people? People who suffer from an illness do that. I was relieved to find out I had an illness and that I wasn't batshit crazy. And I couldn't wait to tell her. Good news, I found out I'm an alcoholic. All I gotta do is not drink. And she said, nope, you're an asshole. And you drink a lot, and she hung up. No demonstration behind those words, not at all. They both talked about warning us about the I'm sorry. How many times they've heard the I'm sorry from our mom. And I kind of got started on step nine last week, but I didn't get very far. That distracted me. And we talked about the easiest of the events last week is the financial, unless you're not the mom. That is difficult. Like if you owe a lot of money and you don't have it, that's easy. I'm gonna have to get a payment plan together, or I'm gonna have to wait till I get the money. But if you owe a lot of money and you don't have the money, that's a little more difficult. But you gotta actually write a check or give them the cash. You have to let go of something. That makes it a little more difficult. And last week I talked about the direct financial events, which to me were the ease of the credit card debt that I owed. And I made deals with them. Yeah, credit card debt, that will echo me. The IRS who decided that I had to pay them back. The one that I was afraid to call, called me, you know? So that was, I made that a little easier and I made a deal with them, right? They were willing to build, they just wanted their money. They didn't want any debtors in prison. They didn't want that guy on that road. And I made a deal with them and I ended up paying them back. Nick, I shared with you about Nick, the one that I was making the indirect amends. And eventually, 40 freaking years later, I was connected with his wife and was able to make a direct amends to her. But there's a lot of amends that I can't make direct amends to, that we're gonna have to make indirect amends to. If you've been shoplifting, Walgreens and CVS and Publix, it's gonna be hard to go in there and say, I owe you money, I've been shoplifting you, here's your money. They wouldn't even know how to take it, right? So what I do when I have my guys do their eight step list, I have them, if they were shoplifting, put a number on it. Let's put a number on it. What do you think it was? How much do you owe? 100, 200, 500,000? How much is it? Let's find out what charity, Publix, and Walgreens are involved in. And let's start making payments until we pay off that number. This is about getting right with God. This is about getting right with the universe. God, whatever you think that is, by the way, that's what I'm talking about. That's the cool thing about recovery. We don't define God for you. We just wanna lead you to this power greater than yourself that we call God, for lack of a better term. This invisible force, this energy, this pure energy. Call it what you want, but it's not human. And it's not a freaking tree or a dog. It could be this group for now. There's a power here. I had a, we talked about early on in the seed step about the difference between what I did and the harm. And the harm that it caused, what I did to my mother stealing her money, stealing her jewelry or anything else that wasn't nailed down that I could sell. And the night sleepless nights that I gave her because I was out there on a run, whether I was alive or dead, what she was from. Keeping up at night, wondering what was going on with me. I know I shared, I think I shared with my mother, got a good night's sleep when I was in jail, but I owed her money. She didn't want the money, she didn't want the money. She wanted her son then. We'll talk a little bit more about that when we get to the family. But I wanted to pay her the money back. So when my mother's air conditioner broke, I took care of her air conditioner. She told me her air conditioner broke. I had a guy go there and I told him, don't you take a dime from my mother, I'm paying you. When my mother's lawn died, I made sure a sock guy came. Because of this program, I got some kind of financial stability in my life. And when you're not spending $300 a day on book hanging, you tend to save money. But you're able to somehow pay that money back. I know that where, I was at Monday night meeting one night and they swore I had $400 in my pocket. And some guy after the meeting came up and bought a big book. And I kind of remember putting money in the basket when the basket went around, you know? And I, and somebody come up to me at the meeting, at the end of the meeting, at the end of a big book hanging and bought a big book. And I didn't have any money at all. And I knew I had $400. I don't know why I was carrying $400 around, but I had $400. And I'm all the way home now, maybe I left it at home. I searched the house, I searched my truck, I searched the car. I cannot find this $400. I figured when I took the money out to put money in the basket that I dropped the $400. And that son of a bitch who bought the big book, picked up the money. I mean, who buys a big book after the meeting? This is how my brain works. Isn't it? I mean, who the hell buys a big book at the end of the big book meeting? Only somebody who didn't have money before, but had money after, right? So I go back to the women's bus station, maybe it's dropped. I searched it. I go back again the next day. That night, I get on my, that evening after work, I get on my motorcycle to go to the women's club one more time. It's got to be there. And I finally surrender. I go, OK, let's go. And I go out to the, I'm going to go out to the Everglades. I'm just going to get quiet. I go out to the end of Locks Road. I go to the end of this gorgeous sunset there. I'm sitting there looking at the gators, watching this sunset go down. What comes on my heart is I'm talking in the 80s, mid-80s. Me and this AC guy were coming out of this AC supply house. And the guy that came out before us dropped his money on the ground. And him and I picked it up and split it. It was about $400. And here's what God says to me there that night. Now you know how he felt. The difference between what I did wrong and the harm wasn't about the money. It was about the feelings, you know? And I decided, well, how am I going to make that right? And I heard a speaker, I heard Gene talk about it one night. He was speaking, I'd probably hear, about making an indirect amends by giving homeless guys, homeless people on the corner, not judging them anymore, not saying, you're healthy enough to get a job. You're going to buy cars. You're going to buy crack with it. You're going to go get a drink with it. Stop judging them and just make an indirect amends for that money you stole out of that guy and give them double ups. And I've been doing it ever since. Because I want to get right with God. I know I can't get right with that guy. But I want to get right with God. And so I don't judge these guys anymore. When I see them, I get looking for them. And I ask them their name. As Pete said, treat them like you would any other human being. I don't believe it. Introduce them to me, and I have them introduce themselves. Just a way to get right with the universe. There's a lot of different ways to do that. Child support is another one that we talk about as a family. How many guys that come in here that didn't pay, they didn't take care of their damn kids. My dad was a deadbeat dad. And I hate that. It's just so wrong. But I know we do it. I know we do it. I didn't do it. That was one of the things. I hated about my father, and I swear I would never be that guy. I was everything else that he was. But I wasn't that guy anymore. And so I would justify it. I wasn't that. I was going to take care of my kid. You need to take care of your kid. You need to make that right. As a financial man, you need to make direct. And I've sponsored a lot of guys where we write the letter, and we do exactly what the book says, and send money. Get current, and send a little bit of the roots. Are you going to see your child? Well, maybe not. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I can't guarantee anything. I know this, that my recovery depends on my relationship with God. My recovery depends on me being conflict free. And for me not to make that amends would put me in conflict. And sometimes we have to trust the process. And that's why there's eight steps before this. Because we're on different footing now. God has entered our heart at this point. We're on different footing. Somebody else is running the show. I'm not running the show anymore. I don't know how this is going to come out. But I know that if I don't do the right thing at this point moving forward, there's a chance that I might drink a drug. So we send money. And I know guys who are never going to see their kids again. Their mothers swore they would never see them again. You pay off the 20, 30 grand you owe, maybe we'll talk about it. Six months later, Terrance has got his kid coming down visiting his son. A year later, his son's coming down. He's staying for the summer. Three years after that, his son lives with him. See, that's how this process works. Now, is that a guarantee? No, it's not a guarantee. That worked out. I've seen cases where it didn't. But it feels good to do the right thing. It puts you conflict free. And the book addresses the criminal stuff. Not that there's any of you guys here. Bill gives us a view. Bill says, look, we don't just throw ourselves at the judge. We make deals. We hire attorneys. You may have to go to jail. This book never, ever says that we are another, where it says, except when to do so with others, it never says that we're one of them. It says the opposite. It says we should be hard on ourselves and easy on everybody else. We have to go to jail. We have to go to jail. We need to face it. We need to face the music. Not everybody's down here because of the weather. And there's stuff that takes place up in the north. And we go as far south as we possibly can. And that's the Amy Brower County. But who wants to live the rest of their life every time a cop is behind you, every time you see lights flash? By the way, nobody gets away with anything forever. It just doesn't happen. There'll be some spot check DUI or some speed trap. Or something. Something will happen. Who wants to live with that fear for the rest of your recovery? This is about getting free. How free do you want to be? Are you willing to face that music? I was talking to Sarah before the meeting. And I always had her permission to tell her part of her story. But here's someone that came through my wife's program, gets sober, and has to face the music or run. Right? You either run for, what was it, three years, sir? Or face three years. That's not an easy decision. That's a leap of faith. Can I trust God to go to jail for three years? That's one of the most inspiring stories. I'm in L'Auche, sir. I have permission to use your name. But it's one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard. And she takes this leap of faith, not knowing what's going to happen. I'm going, you know what you need to do. Spread the message. Carry the message. And she goes, you don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea where I'm going. And I didn't. I got chills all over me, Sarah. And she goes and starts a meeting. And we have people come to my Monday night home group going, Sarah sent me from jail. That's incredible. That's God. That's trusting the process. And now she's free. Now she's free. No cloud. No dark cloud hanging over her. I don't have to worry about where I go, who I see, whether it's a cop in the room or not. That's freedom. That takes guts. That takes trust, doesn't it? That takes some real, that takes a real leap of faith. I admire that. That's an example of what I need to do to stay sober. That's the kind of, that's the kind of rate that I need to be willing to go. And I believe I am willing to do that. I didn't even know I had a warrant. I was, that was a funny story, actually. I decided I needed a weapon, you know. So I decided to go buy a weapon. And they do a background check. There was this alleged trafficking charge that I had from 1974, which, nah, I had to address it. I had to address it. I had to, whatever it takes. What do I got to do? There was no disposition, no degree, no disposition on the case. They could have taken the case to trial. And I just got an attorney, like, like we're suggested to do, get an attorney. I got an attorney and had him look into it. Fortunately, it was so long ago, they didn't have computers and flash drives and micro fish. Is that what it was called? Something like that. It was deteriorated so bad. They couldn't hardly read the charges. But I was willing to do whatever it took. I gave the lawyer a couple thousand dollars to take care of it, and he ended up getting it in sponge and getting it taken care of. And now I'm free. I don't have to worry about anything. Done. Done. And my mother was the toughest. My mother and my children. Step 11 says to be careful not to look back with morbid reflection. But I'm going to tell you something. It's hard not to look back without regret. The people that I... Damaged in the path, that tornado that tore through women's lives and children's lives, old relationships lives. I regret it. I regret it. I look back at that, and that's... There was some damage done there that I may never be able to repair. I can be willing to repair it, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to repair it. It's funny. When I look back at my mom, and I think about the harm that I caused her in trying to make up to be the son that she wanted me to be, and I did the best I could at doing that, and making the amends that I thought I needed to make. And my mother was a two-time cancer survivor, and she ended up dying because she needed a knee surgery. She hurt her knee, and she went in and had knee surgery, and she flatlined on the table. And I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. I remember that. And she was in a coma, I don't know, a month, close to a month, and she came out of that coma. And then she had sepsis. She developed sepsis. And then she ended up back in the hospital and he called me. And I'm thinking, do I own anything? She's getting near death here. Is there any amends that I haven't been able to make yet? And I thought, no. It was the street. My mother comes out of a coma after three weeks, looks me in the eyes and says, why don't you get along with your sister? And she goes back to sleep. That's what was important to her. That was what was on her heart. That's what she wanted. She wanted her children to get along. My sister and I had been in each other's throats for years. Needless to say, I made amends to my sister the next day because that's what she wanted. That's what she wanted. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. That's the kind of stuff that just takes time. It takes showing up. It takes demonstrations to take care of. I have two boys and my one son was too sober. He never saw me drunk. He doesn't ever see me drunk. My oldest son was 12. He's seen the shit. He's seen the violence. He's seen his dad's fists go through walls. He's seen his mother knocked down by his father. My son locked himself in his room and saw his father put his fist through the door and unlocked that door from the outside. How do you make a mess? And I made, in my first year of recovery, I made a direct amends, a face-to-face amends. It didn't go like I wished it would have. He was 13 at the time. He was 12. He was 13 at the time. And I made what I thought was the best amends that I could make early at that time. And he said, yeah, that sucked. And he went off. He went off. And he said, one of the worst days of my life was the day you guys got back together. When you moved out, I was happy. When you moved back in, not so much. And it wasn't that we didn't develop a relationship out there. I mean, I had a pretty good relationship. Twenty-seven years later, I'm doing a step series down at the group down in South Dade. It'll come any moment. There's like a couple of voices going on. Three conversations. One of them is thinking about work tomorrow. The other one's here. And the other one now will be trying to figure out what group that was. So my son sends me this text. And I'm like, what's going on? What's going on? And he says, I want to thank you for all the skills you taught me. I think that's actually driven into me about working hard and doing what's right. I know there are plenty of speed bumps along the way, but I want you know how much I appreciate you taking the time to let me learn and providing me with a foundation to be successful. I don't know if I could ever really thank you. And I just hope I could continue to be that person for my kids. I love you and I look forward to the next time we get together. Bye. I wrote him back. I said, thank you so much. I'm so proud of the man you've become. I couldn't be prouder. Yeah, there were bumps along the way, and I truly regret that. But you and Joe have always been and will always be the most important people in my life. Thanks for being you. I always look forward to seeing you. Can't wait to see you again. He writes back. Don't regret anything. It was all part of the journey. There's a long road to reconstruction here. That's the first line of page 85, I think it is. Very top of the page. There's a long road to reconstruction. I just need to stay that course. I just needed to stay that course and never give up. And that boy eventually saw what he considered credibility. And maybe I was a real dude. And our relationship changed. But it took 27 freaking years. For him to believe me. My eldest son has my youngest son. We have a connection that's just off the charts. It's a spiritual connection. My oldest son, his words are a scientist. But he believes that there's this invisible force out there. He believes in the unknown. But he's going to call it God. My youngest son is on security with me. We have a connection that's just off the charts. I could never imagine that. I didn't want it. Thank God. I didn't get what I wanted. God, I didn't get what I wanted. Your will. Don't let me run this freaking show ever again. That's how I'm going to run the show. Those are the conclusions I come to when I'm on the show. Greatest gift in my life that I've ever been given. Selfishly would have given. That's sad. That's regrettable. Like I said, morbid reflection. No. Regret? Damn right. Damn right, there's a lot of regret. My ex-wife just started talking to us. Right? In the last year. That's true with most of the girls I ever dated. But her in particular. I married her twice. Divorced her twice. Didn't work out. Apparently, I can't get along with a drop or so. But you talk about it. I could never make it right. It's funny. I was up there by myself about a year ago. It's been ongoing. For me and my wife, it was obvious to everyone. Any family functions, anything like that. And I made amends, direct amends. But apparently, it didn't land. And for whatever reason, probably my fault. Probably not hers. But I was up there by myself about a year ago. I think it was. And we happened to be in a situation where the two of us were alone. And I made the best attempt at a direct amends that I've ever tried to make with her. And not because I want anything. Just because I owed it to her. And I knew that she was harboring terrible... I don't even know if resentment covers it. And hatred might be a better word. And after I was done with my amends, she agreed with me. Everything I had to do, she agreed 100%. And she said, you're going to change. Right? The next time we were there, it was a different person. And so, I was just totally talking to her. Actually talked to her. She actually talked to my wife. And was cordial the whole time we were there. It was just amazing to just continue that reconstruction, just continue to try to make it right. I had my very first girlfriend ever. I mean, first everything ever. Who I introduced to probably at least a half a dozen jails at 16 years old. I smashed her father's car, burned her on the drugs and all. Never was able to, like I said, no one that I ever dated or had a relationship with ever want anything to do with me after that. And she surfaced a few months ago on Facebook. And I said to Shannon, I feel like I owe her amends. Are you okay that we just contacted her? And writing a letter. Through whatever the hell that's called. Social media. I'm not a big social media guy. So I made amends, attempted amends. And I'm not a big social media guy. So I made amends, attempted amends. And I'm not a big social media guy. So I made amends, attempted amends. And I'm not a big social media guy. doing in those positions in those jail cells, so on and so forth. And she says, we were just kids being kids. And I said, that went on another 20 years for me. You may have grown out of it. Went on another 20 years. I'm gonna, I'm gonna end this. I stole this from Charlie Palmley I just loved him It's just so true Charlie was my mentor If anybody knows John Charlie, Big Book Seminars And why I do the Big Book Seminars Because I got sober from somebody Who came out of the Big Book Seminar And used that experiment on me To see if it worked And I've just been A Charlie Palmley clone My whole life, I'm a Big Book guy And the truth is If I had known What alcohol would have done For me Or how I was going to react to alcohol I would have drank it fly You know, I was A tormenting kid I really was, and like I said to you earlier In the first week I was here, I have no idea What that torment came from I don't know if I was just wired that way Fear, torment, anxiety Paul, whatever you want Clapton calls it torment, and I love that one Because that's what it was It hated me I hated who I was I hated the way I felt I hated the way I looked I was always shorter then Smaller then, skinnier then Freckles Ears that stick out You know, we look in the mirror And we see this troll Why do I have to be a troll? You know Why can't I be that guy? You know, why can't I be a jock? Why can't I be... Why am I always the next-to-the-last kid picked in gym class? You know Just A torment to me, and I really was And up till Up till the day that I Got halfway through a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Yolk And I knew a new freedom and a new happiness And when I drank, I didn't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it When I drank, I could see how my experience could benefit others Uh huh When I drank, that feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared When I drank, I lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows When I drank, self-seeking slipped away When I drank, my whole attitude and outlook on life changed When I drank, fear of people and economic insecurity left When I drank, I intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me When I drank, I realized That alcohol was doing for me What I could not do for myself How could you not love that? How could you not fall in love with that? That Tormented child was in the rears That tormented teenager was gone I went from Pee Wee Herman to John Travolta In a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Yolk What a gift! What a gift! What a gift! What a gift! What a gift! That's how I relate so much to Bill's story right? The market crashes, the people are jumping out of windows, the committed suicide What does Bill say? F that I went back to the bar His solution was alcohol My solution was alcohol My problem was sober I don't do sober well I shared with you when I got here Sober sucked I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry I suffered for three months here dry the bottle anymore. Garrett used to say it all the time. Garrett, alcohol gave me permission to violate your principles and mine. And then it gave me absolution after I violated them. It's not working anymore. I'm getting up to drink to pass out. I'm getting up to drink to pass out over and over and over again and there's no relief in it. The bedevilments, having trouble with personal relationships, can't control my emotional nature. I'm afraid of misery and depression. Can't make a living. I'm feeling useless. I'm full of fear and I'm happy. I couldn't be the help of anybody. That's who I am drinking now. Now what? And that's what brings me here. Because I'll be totally honest with you. If alcohol still worked, I'll still be doing it. I'm not here. I gave up everything for the booze. I had already been there. It wasn't like you're going to lose something. I've lost everything I loved and everything that loved me, everybody that loved me was gone. I'm here because it stopped working. If it still worked, I'd be out there suffering the consequences. Thank you God. Who knew? Who knew that my worst day would become my best day? Who knew then? It comes from Paul Olier, right? Dr. Addy, Dr. Paul. When I came to AA, I thought it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. It turned out to be the best thing that could possibly happen to me. And that means, I don't know what's good for me. That's what that means. So how would I know what's good for you? That's right out of Dr. Addy. Acceptance is the answer. I'm sorry. They changed the name. That's right out of that story, the acceptance. I lived on that acceptance for three months. That's probably the only thing that kept me. You know what kept me here? Billy. Billy G. kept me here. That's the only reason I stayed here for three months, dying from untreated alcoholism. I identified with Billy's story. Billy was going through a divorce, too. Billy had two boys, too. Billy was living in an apartment, and his wife had the house. We had something in common. I identified with Billy. I wanted to go where Billy was. We were talking about that before the meeting. Somebody asked me, why do you like driving? Is that why you come to Boca? Because there's meetings at Coral Springs. Right? No. I go where the people are. I go where my people are. I chase speakers, not meetings. I want to know, where's Garrett? Where's Ben? Where's Dave? Zeke at that time was on fire. Mike L. was on fire at that time. Where are they speaking? Those are the guys I want to hear. If I didn't know where they were, where's Billy gone? Where's Billy? Because I'm going to go where Billy's gone, because I know he checks with those guys. I want to know where the closest meeting was. I hear my guys telling me that it pisses me off. What meeting are you going to do? I don't know. Who's speaking? I don't know. What kind of meeting is it? I don't know. What are you going for? You going to get your paper signed? What's going on? You'll become who you hang out with. Chase the people who are chasing those people. The big book guys. The 12 and 12 guys. Your new speaker meetings. Identify. Find and identify. Find and identify. Find and identify. You know, I know that city. It's not going to change. I know it's not going to change. You're going to have to fill in for the phone numbers, the cello crawl, the radio broadcasts, the internet, the cameras, and the other kind of stuff. But thank God, that's a lot of people who do that now. But I want to be here today. I want you to be here. The city's life is a thing. You're going to be here today and you're going to meet somebody that's going to be on the opposite side. You're going to meet somebody that's going to be there. You're going to be with somebody that's going to do that. You're going to have to be there. Thank God somebody came up to me with the arm with the facts and said, how would you like to hear about the program? And I go, I've been coming to this program for three months. He says, no, you've been visiting the fellowship. And he had one of these. This is the program you want to hear. And he read the doctor's opinion to me. And that's when my life changed. Oh, my God. I'm ill, not crazy. What do I got to do? What do I got to do? Find those people. Find those people that are armed with the facts and follow them around. How far would you have driven to get high? You know what I mean? How far would you drive to get alcohol or drugs? We're talking about, wow, I'm going to go to a meeting around the corner. That's just convenient. Find out what kind of meeting it is before you do that. Thanks for letting me be here. Thank you.