The Difference Between Contrary Action and Primary Action – Jack G.

For our main speaker, Jack G. from Huntington Beach, California. Hi, I'm Jack G., and I'm an alcoholic. thanks you guys um and thanks thanks katie and um i can't tell you how much i appreciate being asked to come here and um it's a little it's been hard for me a little bit just sitting here and watching and uh because i think this room is such a good example of what's going on now with this disease and uh we got the fog coming in off the bay and it's cold outside and there's people milling around, you know, and they got booze on them, and they're wandering down the alleys. And inside here, there's 4,000 of the undead celebrating. And sometimes it's hard for me because I have a hard time sitting in here with you because I think that I should be out there. And I work with a lot of guys that are new. And because of that, I'm surrounded by a lot of death and it's real hard. In these past couple of weeks, I've lost a bunch of people. And two weeks ago, I lost my nephew to this disease. And you know, 30 years old and he'd been sober before and followed that up with two more friends, one that committed suicide and another one that overdosed. And, you know, my first wife died of a drug overdose and just surrounded by this. And I think I got real lucky when I came in. I was surrounded by death. And and I got a real quick look at what this disease was all about because it's really hard sometimes. I mean, we're sitting in here and we got the new guys and we're happy and we'RE stoked and everyone'S dancing, you KNOW. And that I think sometimes it's real easy to forget exactly what we're dealing with and uh and to sit here and to look on the stage when the new people walk up and to see the tears in their eyes and just wondering if they really understand what they're claiming when they say they're an alcoholic uh i'm a thanks i'm a i'm a book guy yeah well yeah you better wait a minute because that used to be my response also i'm a book guy and after i've been sober for a little while i started tearing that book apart and uh and i mean tearing it apart i started hunting guys down and digging up history and, and I've seen history stuff that no one's seen. Maybe 10 guys in the United States have seen some of these things I've see. And I'm hunting it down and I'm going word for word and I'm tearing the book apart and I're looking up where did Bill take it from? What Oxford group stuff? What was Bob thinking? Listening to tapes, going through it, tearing the books apart line by line, word by word. And then I started coming in here and I started judging you because you guys weren't doing it right. And I'd hear somebody stand up and share and I'd say, bullshit. That's wrong. I even told a guy one time, nobody said to me, he said, I go, where'd you get that, champ? Where'd you come up with that? And he goes, I got it from my sponsor who got it for me. I got from his sponsor. I go well, then your grand sponsor is a fucking idiot. so it got sorry about that anyway it got i'll tell you it got rough it got really rough right and then it got to the point where it was jack party of one that was it uh because you guys were wrong right so all right at the same time that was going on i was seeing a jesuit brother And I'm not a Catholic, but I hunted this guy. I hunted down Anthony DeMello and DeMelo's dead and his people turned me on to somebody in New York and they hooked me up with a Jesuit here. So I started seeing a Jesruit and he was my spiritual advisor. That's where he was, Brother Charlie. And so after tearing apart the big book, I started tearing apart The New Testament also, right? So I'm running it down and I'm tearing the book apart and I come into Brother Charlie one day, I say, Charlie, Charlie. Charlie. And I'm all excited, man. And I go, what's the best translation of the New Testament? What's as close as it is? What's the Best Translation? He looked at me and he shook his head. And he said, Jack, it is such a shame that you are that hung up on the words. Ah. I was shocked. I was looking for an assignment. I'm saying and he looked at me and he said he goes son you know what I want you to do I want to put it down, I want You to stop He goes I want To put the book down I don't want to hear a word of scripture coming out of Your mouth I don' t want to here a line AA coming out Of Your mouth I don''t want to Here anything coming out OF Your mouth He goes what I Want You to do is I want You to go to the beach and I want You to take a walk and when You start To take the walk I want You ask God to come with You to walk with You and I Want You be quiet and I Want You listen so I started walking and I started walking every day and I started listening and I started contemplating what was happening and what I was doing. And in that walk, what I realized I was doing was by tearing the big book apart line by line, I was trying to control the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I could pin you down to a word, then I controlled you. And then I had to look at the other book I was also tearing apart. And I realized that if I could pin my God down to a line, to a phrase, to a word, then I was also trying to control God. What happened after that was I put the book down and I stopped. I went home and I prayed and then picked it back up. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that I thought was so rigid, so strict and so rigid. All of a sudden every line, every fence, every barrier in that book came apart. I started with the third step and I looked at the third step, and I love that third step. And I love memorizing it and I loved finding out what each line means and going through it. But after looking through that third step and running through every line, right after it Bill says, The wording's optional. I'm hoping that maybe one of these people that came up and got a book on stage did their third step on stage, and when they walked up, they just said, I just can't take it anymore. I just cannot do it anymore." Sometimes that is a third step that is much more sincere than any memorized line. I looked at the fourth step, all the columns, all laid out, and before Bill even lays out the columns he says we were usually as definite as this example. usually does not mean always it means usually and if you look in the back of the big book you got dr bob taking a guy through a four-step and it's nothing like bills at all dr bob listened this guy tell his story and then he told the guy what was wrong with him you know which has now become my favorite four-stop anyway but so then looking through the book and going through the book you start seeing freedom, freedom freedom all through the books you see freedom, to think as we will freedom to do as we well without anyone holding us without anyone governing over us and that we walk side by side and that none of us are above anyone else in this room and i think one of the most beautiful parts of that whole book is bill took the book and he summed it up in four lines at the end after everything he wrote and after everything he went through he said you know what abandon yourself to god as you understand god isn't it your fault clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you have and join us that simple however there's always a however on this crap you know what I'm saying Bill was a scam artist and if you don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is a scam while tearing the book apart, I found the scam. Anyway, and if you don't mind, I'll just read it to you. You guys ever seen those crappy car commercials on TV? You know what I mean when they're selling stuff and they give you the pitch, right? Because Bill being a pitch man, right, here's the pitch. Life will take on new meaning to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. But as the commercial rolls through, all of a sudden, the small print comes on. It may mean the loss of many nights sleep, greater interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may means sharing your money in your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your house or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. See, you've got to be real careful of what you're reading in here, man. Anyway, all right, so let's just get down to it. I lived at my mother's, and I always lived at her house. At my mother'S. And if it was up to my mother, I would still be living at my Mother'S right now. I mean, and every good criminal's got a mom, you know what I'm saying? I love seeing these tough guys that just get out of prison, right? It's like, hey, where are you staying at, gangster? Oh, I'm over with my mom on Lyme. It's mom, auntie, or grandma. Anyway, so I'm at my mom's, right, and let me tell you something. The Al-Anon people never got one hand on my mom, not one. the blood of the lamb was spray painted on our front door and the alanons just drifted right on by they never got up in there i mean i had the kind of mom where i would go to jail and when i'd get out my mother would say they're always picking on you sweetheart i'd be in the neighbor's yard laying down face down with my pants off anytime day or night the neighbors that come over and complain to my mom go leave him alone he's an artist just out there and uh and full insanity was going on at that house but so what i didn't know better i didn'y know any better you know and i love i love that you brought up um the young people's items uh there's frightening look if you're brand new in here and you're just getting a court card signed? Because conventions are great places to get court card signs. Because you can basically get 30, 40 signatures a day and it's all legit, man. But I always warn the guys if they're brand new and they just want to get their court card signed and get out of here, don't look at the pamphlets, man. Don't get up in the literature because I'll tell you why. There is some frightening literature out there. And the most frightening is the literature to the young people. Uh, I don't know if you ever read any of it, but, uh, I dunno, maybe membership drive was down in AA and they wanted to like do something. So they made some pamphlets that you cannot answer no to any question on, right? It's like, Hey, let's get a bunch of these and get them in the high school, get the membership up in here. So, because one of the questions is, do you ever black out? And? You know what I mean? It seemed like they should have thrown a little something extra on it next time. Like, hey, do You ever blackout and wake up in women's clothes sleeping with another dude? Something. and to a lot of my friends that is not a problem anyway so and then the other one the other thing I love on there this is my favorite are you lying about your drinking you gotta be kidding me man I'll tell you right now if you're not lying about you're drinking, we can't help you. That's a whole nother case. I don't even know what that is, man. I mean, look, I had a dad. My father was 30 years in the service. World War II, Korea and Vietnam. Out of all the fights I've ever been in, my old man is the only one that's ever kicked my ass. and do you think I was telling him the truth about my drinking I'd come home my dad would be standing there like this he'd go, you been drinking oh you bet I have I'm hammered and while you were sleeping I took two twenties out of your wallet and I've also been upstairs getting into mom's pills and sleeping with that little girl next door. Are you kidding? It's like, come on, be real, man. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not an idiot, right? You know? I would come home hammered. My old man standing there, he'd go, you been drinking? I'd go no, sir. I just got back from church. And then he'd look at me for a minute and he'd say, why are you wet from the waist down? baptized I always lied about my drinking and then the other ones this is even more favorite are you hanging with lower companions I'm hanging with you guys god i got jonathan texting me dirty text messages while we're sitting here you're actually looking at a drunk that likes drunks uh sometimes it's sad that it's almost a little rare around here uh sometimes you get sober and you see these drunks that now don't like drunks have you ever seen those it's like the the golden ovary syndrome an aa or something it's like all of a sudden they get sober now they're a better class of drunk somehow you know what I mean it's not like oh he cusses and smells bad I love them man I love drunks I love the whole deal I love their defiance I love the anger I love the separation from God I love that they come in here destroy their lives come on I just love that, you know? And how can you not love what you are? How can you Not Love What You Came From, you know? But I will tell you, there was one thing that they screwed up in AA. They made a mistake. And the mistake was that they put the traditions and the steps out in the open. That's wrong. They should never do that. They should have actually made up a briefcase guy commitment, right? So you take all the steps and everything, and you fold them up, and you put them in a briefcase. You get a guy with a suit and dark glasses, and he stands in the corner at the meeting like this. And then the new guy comes in, he goes, who's that guy? You go, you don't worry about that guy. You just sit down. I know, I know. But I just wonder what that... Don't worry About That Guy. You just sit down, feel free to share whatever you want and just have a good time. Just come on. I know, but what about that? Don't even worry about that guy. And as a matter of fact, when the meeting starts, he's going to take that briefcase and lock it up in his trunk of his car. Let me tell you something. 15 minutes into that meeting, there'd be 20 new guys with a crowbar trying to get that brief case out of the back. You understand? Standing there going, I got a four-step. I got four-steps. Look, we got books. You know, anyway, so they should have just hid this stuff a little bit. All right, anyway. So I'm living at my mother's house and here's how I get here. A friend of mine gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge and he goes to court and this weird phenomenon happens in court. I believe that more alcoholics are created in court than anywhere else in the world. It's not the first drink. it's not the local bar, it's court. Court. Because hundreds of thousands of us go into court every day non-alcoholic. And we get in front of the judge. The judge looks at us and says, Mr. Smith, you're looking at a year sentence. But if you're an alcoholic, you could do a 90-day treatment program. I'm an alcoholic sir. All of a sudden everybody is, right? Everybody is now. Not so. Look, if you're brand new in Alcoholics Anonymous, don't try to get us to like you. It's not going to make a difference. It doesn't matter. Don't try to say things that will impress us because it does not matter. No matter what you say in AA, someone will disagree with you. You can walk up here and say the ocean's wet and somebody will go, no, not right on the edge. It is not. No, no, sir, it's not. Because I made that joke about court creating more alcoholics and it's a joke. It's a true joke. That's why it's funny, but it'sa joke, right? I said that at this convention one time and this guy walks up to me, he's tatted from the neck down, right. He walks up and he goes, Can I talk to you, man? I go, yeah, what's up, bro? He goes, I did the year, dog. Well, then you're a stupid alcoholic. So, anyway, so that's what happens with this buddy of mine, right? He goes to court, now he's got a problem. He did not have a problem two weeks before that. I was getting loaded with him, man. there was no problem mentioned. You know what I mean? It wasn't like, hey, I got a problem. I'm going to sit out on that last line of blow. Why don't you get that one? It never happened, right? It was like, are you cutting that even, dude? There was no problem. But now he goes to court. So now indeed, yes, indeed, he does have a problem." so he goes to treatment and you h and i guys get up there and you start healing on them do you get them all pumped full of the spirit and all that business right and they cut him loose and he comes back to long beach as a reformer now the big book says we're not supposed to start out as reformers but this guy did and where's his first stop my mother's house stop number one and i get this i go hey hey what's up bro he goes you got a problem man i go what he goes you're an alcoholic i go no i'm not i live with my mom so let me tell you what was going on at mommy's house at the time i had warrants out for my arrest so what i always have warrants up for my rest that's how you pay tickets i also had people trying to kill me both real and imagined i'm one of those guys that can't stand being alone i'm a late night phone call guy i've had overlapping girlfriends since third grade i got a girl pregnant i said move into my mom's house with me let's have a baby move in 26 years old mental capabilities of a 12 year old and I'm going to be a dad so I move her in at the same time I move her in I fall in love with a girl of questionable age and I take her to Mexico and marry her yeah Yeah. Yeah. That's what's going on at mommy's house anyway. So, and this guy's telling me I got a problem, right? And he goes, you're an alcoholic. I go, no man. No. He goes, you're in alcoholic. We're arguing back and forth. So I kind of get him away from the house a little bit. You know what I mean? I get him way from the front. I don't need my mom listening to that. So anyway, I get him out in the front and he says, come to a meeting. I go, a meeting? A meeting of what? He goes, 12-step meeting. Come on down. I'm like, no, dude, you're the one that got popped. Not me. You go. And we're arguing back and forth, back and forward, back forward. Finally, I said, okay, okay. Okay. I'll go. Dude, I'll do it. I said it because I'm an alcoholic and I'll say anything to get you off my back including I'm Jack and I'm an alcoholic so I got a couple of problems with Alcoholics Anonymous and it's not with AA I got a problem with us a lot of times we are so quick to get the new man and the new woman to say that they're an alcoholic that we got people claiming this illness and they have no idea what they have none and have you ever been to a meeting where they go around the room and introduce themselves and somebody's there on a court card i'm bud alcoholic i'm june alcoholic i'm frank alcoholic i'M JOHN I'M HERE ON A COURT CARD THE WHOLE ROOM GOES CRAZY JOHNNY like a bunch of monkeys let out of a cage and then when the meeting starts the whole meeting is dedicated to John and his denial I remember when I too came in on a court card John i i mean it's unbelievable i mean the poor guy gets popped coming out of the clubhouse one day you know what i mean he's not an alcoholic he's just there and i'll tell you what you know what the next time he goes to that meeting and it goes around the room i'm bud alcoholic i'm june alcoholic i'm frank alcoholic i am john and i am also an alcoholic now does he think he's any more of an alcoholic than he was before No, no. He just wants you to leave him alone. Leave me alone. Get off my back. Let me get my court card signed and get the hell out of here. If you look at the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the philosophy in that book, they talk about alcoholism being a fatal illness, a fatal disease. Fatal means it's going to kill you. Stop worrying about the mole on your back. it's the booze and not only is it a fatal illness if you're reading in this stuff it's a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience can arrest I mean seriously do you really realize how frightening that is I mean could you imagine going to a doctor and you go in there and you give all your tests and you do whatever right and you come back three days later And you say, hey, how'd it go, man? He goes, nope. What do you mean, no? Yeah, nope, fatal. What? Yeah, fatal, and I don't really believe in God, but I favor prayer in your case. Do you know how frightening that is? Do you know there's a story in here that says that? And it's in the front of the book. I'm not talking some hidden story in the back. It's in the front. The doctor says, I don't even like treating people like you. And though not a religious man, I favor prayer in your case. i mean you know how frightening that is basically if you're brand new claiming alcoholism what you're saying is i got a gun against my head the trigger's cocked there's a bullet in the chamber the gun's going off and only god can stop it and i don't got one that's what you'RE claiming i hear people around here sometimes and they say, I need a Nazi sponsor. I need an Nazi sponsor first of all, please do not attach that foul word to our program but besides that to the guys that say they need that kind of sponsor I recommend you work a first step because when you really realize that you have a fatal illness that probably only a spiritual experience can cure and that these steps just might be a pathway towards that awakening. When you really believe that, I will guarantee you, you will never ever need another man or woman to tell you to get off your ass and go to a meeting again. You hear a lot of talk in here about contraaction, contraaction. Something else, it's not in the book. But contrary action is another word for willpower. Willpower. And in the doctor's opinion, they talk about a shift of thinking, a shift in perception. Yes, we start out doing contrary action. We start out dealing with things differently than we ever did before. But sometime in your sobriety, contrary action must stop. Contrary action must become primary action. When are you going to stop calling your sponsor because you have to? And start calling because you want to. When are you going to stop going to meetings because you have to? And go because you're going to. Because you want too. When are your going to start working with other people so you can stay sober? When are going to you start working for other people because you like seeing them stay sober. So, anyway, so I tell this guy I'm going to go to a meeting. And I turned around from him and we're back out in front of my mom's house. You've got to swing ADD with me, man. So we're blackout in front my mom. We're back in front on my mom' s house. And I start to walk back into my mom''s house. And I have a moment of clarity or a little spiritual awakening. And I thought, how often have I been loaded lately? I thought every day. Shit, every day, man, I've been drinking every day I've been drinking, smoking weed, taking pills, whiffing a little cocaine, whiffin' Pam every day. Yes. Did you honestly think that twitch I have is natural? All right, so I've bee doing it every day and I woke up just a little bit. Thank God it was only just a litle bit. Could you imagine for the people who have been sober a long time If you woke up completely your first day in AA, do you know how frightening that would be? It'd be like, yeah, we got cookie coffee and rope for the new man. You can hang yourself now or go one more day, whatever you want to do here, champ. It's like because when you wake up to this, it is frightening and it is sickening. And I don't care how long you've been loaded. I don'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING. It doesn't matter. If you have the root of our illness, which is selfishness and self-centeredness, then chances are you have made decisions based on self your whole life that are now coming back to haunt you. And when you wake up to that, it's sickening. And you know what? I see guys in here and they're still not awake. Sober years, still not away. I hear people come to meetings say, I paid for my seat here. Well, yeah? You paid for it? Let's call your wife and ask her how much she paid for it. Let's call your kids. Let's call your parents. Let's call anybody that ever loved you and cared for you and ask them how much they paid for your seat in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a great letter from Bill Wilson and Bill says we're real quick to talk about what ass-kickers we are, but we're sure not as quick to talk about the damage we have done to those that love us. My family paid dearly for my seat. My father paid for my seed with his life. I was blamed in a court case for killing my dad, and it was a stress-related issue, man, and it wasn't work-related. It was a real drag to be pointed out in court, and there was a stress case. My dad had a heart attack at work, and they were trying to get him out of jail. There was a suit about it, and he was supposedly work- related stressed, and his job said it wasn't work-related stress at all. It was him right there. That's the stress that killed him. Anyway, I woke up just enough to see what I had done. Just enough to see the drinking and I hadn't seen the damage yet but I saw the drinking. And I went to a meeting. And the first meeting I went to was the Wrap Center in downtown Long Beach. It Was a kind of meeting where you push your shopping cart up out front and go inside. You know what I mean? It was one of those meetings. And I'll tell you how I wandered in there. I had long hair to my elbows. It hadn't been combed in a while. The first time they cut my hair, they found a jolly rancher sticking in the back of it. I guess I'd passed out and the little sucker just slid right around into the back, you know? But I didn't know it was in there yet. Anyway, so I also had like a work shirt on, like a diggy shirt with a lot of cigarette burn holes right here in the tit from standing there like, it's just resting my smoke on there, right? And then somebody would come up and go, dude, dude, you're on fire, man. No, no, no. You're on Fire, asshole. So this is how I wander into my first meeting, right, and my mother gives me some money for the meeting. She found out I was going, right? And she goes, oh, sweetheart, that's wonderful. You're going to that A&A. You bet I am, mom. She goes, let me give you a couple dollars for coffee. I go, nope. I need 40. They got dues down there. Oh yeah, yeah. And none of you have done that, I'm sure. her. Hey, look, come on, man. She's getting old. She needs to feel useful. Anyway, so take it easy. Take it easy call her every day and tell her I love her anyway. So, uh, so my mother, so I walk in the meeting, I'm looking like that. And I walk into that meeting. I remember I walk In that first meeting, mommy gives me some money. I walked in there warrants, all that crap. I walk in that first meeting, oh, loser. Yep, scumbag. Yeah, I know that dude from school. And I'm not like you. And let me tell you why I'm not like You. Because I'm a smooth drunk. I start drinking and the first place it hits me is right here on the cheeks. They just get tingly, tingly right here. And I start smiling. I put a couple drinks in me, I started smiling even bigger. And then a couple more drinks in me, and I decide I want to wrassle you. A couple more drinks in my head down the street, and it's night, and I see a light on. So I come up and knock on the door. Hey, hey, hey. Who are you? What are you doing in there? I saw the light on! I can't even tell you how many times I got arrested and the cop looked at me and said, and how are you involved in this, man? Anyway, just passing by. I felt it my duty to stop, officer. Anyway, so, and the sad thing is, do you want to know what I heard in that meeting? Do you want know what i heard? I heard pride, pride. Now, I don't know if I could have heard anything else, but I heard pride. Do you know that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place besides prison where people try to be the worst? You wear that. You get guys in here wearing the word homeless like a badge. I was homeless. You get guys in here wearing the word convict like a badge. I've been arrested 187 times, dog. Go for 188. Let me tell you real quick how damaging that is and how much it hurts us. For the guys that have been arrested all those times, we need you in here. We need you real bad, but not the way you think we need you. We need you in here so when that next person walks through the door and says, I've been arrested 187 times, you walk up and say, me too. So was I. And you tell your story. But who also we need in here are the people that have never been arrested one time, not once. So when that person walks through the door and says, but I've never been arresting, you walk up and say, neither of I. One is useful to God and our fellows, one is pride, and it kills people. We are the last stop on a lot of people's blocks. There's no way we should ever send them from here. And real quick, you know, to throw a little opinion as I like to do, I have another letter from Bill that says AA's made up of plenty of opinions, all of ours. So you're Welcome to a copy, anytime. But, you know, there's such a terrible trend in Alcoholics Anonymous that goes on nowadays, and it's this monkey see, monkey do, my sponsor, your sponsor, my sponsors said, my sponsor said, I remember this, I Remember That, I Remeber This, I ReMember That. And, you know, they go through this stuff, and it is so terrible because what they are doing is they are killing Alcoholics Anonymous, and I will tell you why real quick. Alcoholics Anonymous is millions of experiences, not one experience. Millions of different experiences. Our strength is not in our common bond. That's what holds us together. Our strength in Alcoholics Anonymous, is in our individuality. That is our strength. Millons of different tools for anyone that walks through that door. We look at the stories and I love, like I said, I'm a big book guy, man. I love this thing. Every Monday night, you're welcome to stop by my home. I'm there 6 to 645 shoving this book up people's asses one page at a time. And I'm not. And I don't know. I'm never a big-book guy, but real quick, let me ask you this. Have you ever wondered why the 164 is so small and the back is so big? You ever wonder? It's because if you don't think you're one of us the start of the program's worthless If you don'T believe you're ONE OF US and how the stories keep changing as more people Sexual makeup, you know religious makeup all the stories start changing changing changing to reach all those people So maybe one of them comes in and says yeah me too man. I'm like him. I'M LIKE HIM I had an old guy hit me up one time when I was brand newly sober and i'm sitting in a meeting and I got pajamas on and my hair is purple and I'm hanging out in the meeting and this old guy comes up to me and says, we need you, Jack. We need you just like you are. I go, yeah, you know, get out of here, man. Split. You know? Because I'm thinking he's teasing me. But what he went on to say is, you know what, Jack, some of these guys come through the door and they look at me and they say, I don't know what that old guy's talking about. And they come in the door and they're like, and they'll look at you in your pajamas and your purple hair and you're young And they say, I believe that. I believe it. And I really wonder if you guys believe like the letter that Bill wrote, if you really believe how useful young people are to Alcoholics Anonymous and how many lives are saved. And the book talks about it. Averted. Death being averted. by the power in you guys reaching out to people. Real quick, because I know I'm talking a little long, I went to that meeting, I diagnosed myself non-alcoholic. I'm not like you guys. And I'll try to quit, and I did try to quit. I tried to quit a whole bunch of times on my own. I was always stopping, starting, stopping, start, and stop, and start. Come late, get a date, leave early, in, out, in, and out. And one of these times I was in and out, in and OUT, in and Out, I got 30 days. 30 solid days. no meetings, no God, no nothing 30 solid days and on my 30th day I got a job as a bartender because I thought that would be a good job and on the way to work I stopped by a friend's house to pick up some mushrooms for another friend I was being of service and my buddy asked me he says how's it going Jack I go oh it's going real good man I go, it's going really good. I got 30 days. Underage girl's gone. They're gone. Baby's gone, they moved out. I woke up one morning, they were gone. Mom's doing good, everything's good. I get a new job. Is that your bong? Bam! Cunning, baffling, and powerful, alcohol disguised itself as a skunk bud and hidden this guy's bong. So I reach out and I take a bong here and I came to with a bONG in my mouth. now do you know the big book talks about that uh it does not say the word bong you're not going to find that in there uh that might come in edition eight or something anyway but uh but what it does say that's more frightening than that is strange mental blank spots while sober do you know how frightening that is? If we have a disease and our very life depends on us, not sticking any alcohol in us, but we got a mind that says nobody's home, baby. Nobody's home. Do you know how frightening it is? I have new guys sometimes they want to talk to me about insanity. They want to tell me how insane they are. They say, Jack, I was so insane. I was sneaking and creeping and going down alleys with my pants down. I hadn't slept in seven months. I was insane. Dude, you're not insane. You're on drugs. That's what happens when you're on drugs. I mean, God rest, give Mother Teresa speed for two weeks, she'd start building bikes. It's got nothing to do with it, right? And real quick, if you ever get a chance to work a 12-step call, a real 12- step call, not what we're talking about today, the stuff we read about in the book, a Real 12 Step Call, not just grab a guy, dump him off a detox. I'm talking about grab a guide, take him home, maybe you're feeding him booze to get him off from the shakes, little orange juice, some honey in the morning, keeping him going, sitting with him, going to a meeting, round-the-clock service, 12-step call. When you do that with some of these drunks, there are times when you have to take them to emergency, man. I mean, it gets rough. You got guys going out, man. Anyway, when you take them the hospital and they're all hammered, the doctor doesn't walk out, look at him and go, oh yeah, bipolar, histrionic, looks like he might be a little manic-depressive. He doesn't do it. He says strap that drunk's ass to a gurney and when he sobers up, we'll diagnose. When he sobers up, you don't even know you're insane until you're sober. Insane, delusional, incapable of seeing the truth regardless of what's going on. I was working one time and I got hit in the stomach with a metal bar. And it used to be my stomach. I don't even know what it is now. It's the area underneath my stomach, right? That that area. I mean, I just look down and see a stream. I don't know where that that area right there. Right. So anyway, so so I got hit. I got hurt and it hurt. It hurt bad, man. And I was like walking it off. Right? And I walk it off and then I don'T think anything about it. Two weeks later, I'm on another job and I take my shirt off and this guy goes, whoa. what happened to you? I go, what? What? What, right? What happened to me? Because besides being alcoholic, I'm total hypochondriac, right. He goes right there. I go right where? Right where? I can't see. I'm lifting my stomach up, right ? He goes, right there! I run into the bathroom and I lift my stomach like this and look in the mirror and here's this huge black bruise underneath. I go, oh my God, I got to go to the hospital right now. It was two weeks later, two weeks latter. Let me ask you a question. How long were you walking around with alcoholism and you were incapable of seeing it? How many days did you look yourself right in the mirror and you were incapable of seeing the truth about what was happening. Insane, delusional. Real quick, I'm going to close with this. I take that bong hit. I get loaded. Hey, I took a bong hits. So what? I might as well start drinking. I start drinking, I go to work, I get fired within a half an hour. You know, first day on the job and that is not a record around here. And, uh, and a guy picks me up and he takes me home. He's an AA guy. He sees me. He says, Jack, can I help you? I go, yeah, take me to my mom's house. I'm losing it, man. So he takes мне to my moms, drops me off. When he drops me out, he says, we'll talk tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, because I'd eaten five grams of shrooms by then. So anyway, so I said, okay, okay. Now I know what we'll talked tomorrow means. We'll talk. Tomorrow is code word for lecture. That's what it means. It means you are way too hammered to deal with now. I'll pick you up tomorrow and yell at you. I know what it mean. So the next day, me and this guy are talking on the phone and we're talking nice, nice. And he's not saying nothing about me being hammered. So I bring it up. I go, hey, that guy's pretty hammered last night, huh? He goes, yep. I go. Hey. Woo. I go, last night, huh, bro? He goes, yep. What I was waiting for is, Jack, you're a loser. Jack, You're a scumbag. Jack,You're an animal. Jack,you're trash. I've heard it my whole life. Loser, scumbags, animal, trash. I'm waiting to hear it from this guy. He's a we don't drink and we definitely don't do any mushrooms either up in here. A guy who saw me coming in and out, in and out disregarding the steps, disregarding this tradition, taking a dump on his program. Saw me loaded. I'm waiting to get yelled at, and it ain't coming. I said, dude, I blew 30 days, man. I blew it. He goes, Jack, I know. He goes you know what, Jack? You're probably an alcoholic. He goes if you're an alcoholic, you can't stop drinking. And if you do stop, you can't stay stopped on your own power. That was the first time I ever heard that. I wish that guy was still here, but he is not. On November 13th of 1988, that guy left these rooms and he went out and tried a drug that he had never tried and he died that night in the car. That man's name was Don Langston. When I turned 15, I laid my chip on his grave and I never realized it before but he was only 21 years old when he died. I got sober on January 8th of 1989 and I don't know why that day. You guys tell me I gotta have this relationship with God. My relationship with god was hide. That was my relationship. I was scared. I didn't know what to do, man. And I had no understanding of god whatsoever. Thank God for the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. On page 55 of the chapter of the agnostics, Bill says, don't worry about it, man. He says, do the work. Do the work and God will show. God will shows. Everyone around here is always looking for this outer power, outer power. But in the big books, Bill said, we tapped an inner resource. An inside resource. I don't know what to say other than thank you. Thank you for what you guys have done for me and what you guys have for my family, for my little girls. You know, I don't know what to tell you, man. I love being sober. I love bein' here, and I don' know this is for everybody. You know what I mean? But if you're brand new and you're hurtin', I hope there comes a day that you fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. Really fall in with it, and fall in love with the service. And please, there's a line that I don want you ever to buy, and it says let us love you until we can love yourself. Don't. Please do not. It does not jive with the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Let us love you until you can love someone else. And in loving someone else, your whole life will change. And I want to thank you for having me. Thank you.