The Difference Between Conscious and Unconscious Surrender – Jerry E.

About This Speaker Tape

A deep-seated lifelong dread—a fear that started at age four with a stolen bouquet of irises—fueled Jerry E.'s descent into a drinking career that ended in 1977. He describes the wreckage of his final year: vodka spiked into coffee to hide his habit from his wife 120-proof vodka and the hollow feeling of being physically present for his children while remaining emotionally absent. After thirteen years of being 'dry' but not sober Jerry E. encountered a sponsor in Denver who taught him the difference between working the steps and complying with the spiritual conditions of the program

. He frames his recovery as a military-style reporting for duty starting each day with a conscious surrender to a Higher Power. Now 79 he views his sobriety as a gift of kindness from the fellowship allowing him to finally feel 'clean' and truly present for his wife Gail G. and their three children.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Molly reads the opening paragraph of Chapter 5 of the Big Book.
• 4:45 Jerry E. shares his sobriety date: January 17, 1977.
• 7:15 Laughter: Jerry E. describes the 'terrible' taste of vodka in coffee.
• 11:30 Jerry E. discusses the difference between unconscious and conscious surrender.
• 15:45 Jerry E. reflects on the emotional absence he felt toward his children during his drinking.
• 20:10 The story of the stolen irises at age four and the root of his lifelong fear.
• 26:30 Jerry E. describes the 'deep sense of dread' that drove his drinking.
• 33:15 Jerry E. explains his philosophy of 'complying' with spiritual conditions rather than 'working' the steps.
• 37:40 The interaction with his sponsor in Denver and the military metaphor for surrender.
• 43:10 Jerry E. describes his daily morning prayer of conscious surrender and reporting for duty.