The Difference Between Being Willing and Being Ready – Chris C.

My name is Chris McAuliffe and in and of myself I am absolutely nothing and I pray tonight that I do God the program Alcoholics Anonymous has described in this book and the men who have spent countless hours carrying that message to me, Justice. I'd like to thank Hannah for asking me to come out here and I'm pretty sure that Myers had something to do with that. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not one of those guys who thinks that everything's exactly the way it's supposed to been and I'll do an exact what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to be sober. I'm not supposed to have a loving marriage with a wonderful woman. I'm not supposed to have a five-year-old son. I'm not supposed to have an 18-month old baby girl who is the first girl born into my family in 75 years. I'm not supposed to have the career I have. I'm not supposed to drive the car I'm driving. I'm not supposed to live in the house that I'm living in, and there are mornings I wake up and I think when the people who own all this stuff come back, they're going to be pissed off. I cannot not drink. I'm standing here. I like what it says on page 25, but for the grace of God. I'm here because of the grace OF God, and that's it. I like what it talks about further on down the page. It says, great fact is justice and nothing less. We've had deep and effective spiritual experiences. And I had a spiritual experience that stopped me from drinking. And what has happened since that experience through going to meetings, following the directions outlined in this book, I've experienced what Step 12 said, and that is I have had a Spiritual Awakening. I've woken up to that experience. I'll start with a story. I like stories. So I'm on this business like 15, 20 years ago. I'm flying home from a week out of town with work, and I'm reading my notes from some meeting things. I have enough time to grab a sandwich before I get on the plane. I'm standing there, it's busy or airport's crowded it's Friday and I'm reading my notes and somebody hits me from behind and I turn around and I gave him that dude right like my friend Kathy says where I come from dude is a complete sentence and he looked at me and he gave me that I'm sorry I just ran into you I'm a klutz okay so I turn back around I'm readin' my stuff I go up I run my sandwich and a young lady brings it to me and I grab my water. My hands are full, so I put my bag of chips in my carry-on and I grabbed my drink and the sandwich and there's no tables, but I see this one off to the side and it's a two-chair table. I hustle over and I sit down. I'm reading my stuff. I open up my sandwich and then all of a sudden the chair across from me slides out and I'm like, I look up and I go, dude, it's the same guy and he sits down And he gave me that, dude, can I sit here? Not. I'm like, sure. And so I'm sitting there. I'm reading. I'm engrossed in these notes. And then all of a sudden, he picks up the bag of chips and he opens them. I'm just sitting there reading. I'm looking at him. I'm, like, did he just – I gave him the dude nod, right? He didn't say anything. He eats one. He puts the bag de chips down. So I'm thinking – so I reach over and I eat, like three. right and he looks at me and he nods I nod back and then he eats one and I'm like so I eat a cup more and we're going back and forth like this and I'm sitting there I'm thinking what is going on and then he picks up the bag and he's like and he offers it to me and there's one chip left and I think what I dip my little needle nose plier fingers in there and I pull it out and I eat it Right? I give him the nod. What? Right? All of this is totally true. This is my true experience. This is what happened. And he gets up and he leaves and he gives me the nod and I give Him the nod and off He disappears into the crowd. And I'm thinking about all this. I'm like, God. Grab my paperwork and I have this tremendous experience. I opened up my laptop bag and my bag of chips was in my bag. The reality of what happened burst upon me. I had an awakening to the experience that just happened and it wasn't what I thought it was. That's the exact same thing that happened to me when I stopped drinking. I didn't know what the hell was going on and as a direct result of this course of action it's been explained to me and shown to me that God has stopped me from drinking because I can't not not drink. I, man, I go to meetings. So Myers and I, so my sponsor passed away. The guy who took me through this book, a guy named Joe Hawk, he used to come here a while back. And when he passed away, I had a guy I was relying on in California, and then he was about to pass, and he said you need to find a sponsor out there. And as soon as we began talking, I knew it had to be Myers. I've known Myers and John we had a good long talk and I'm so grateful to him it's amazing what the steps have done for me because the guy I was at step one would hear people talk about stuff in step nine and I didn't get it but then I'd also go to these other meetings where people would say just don't drink no matter what put the plug in the jug, choose to do the next right thing. And I always used to think, man, if I could just not drink no matter what, put the bug in the drug and do the right thing I wouldn't need you people. And I didn't understand that. And as a direct result of these steps, the truth that I assigned this stuff was removed and replaced with the reality of what had happened. I used to think that being an alcoholic was a guy who drank and got in trouble. According to my definition, my experience, if you drank and gotten in trouble, you're an alcoholic, and if you drink and didn't get in trouble you're not, right? That made sense. And I was 19 years old, and I'm going to a friend's house, actually we were going to this party in Fountain Valley, I was going to my friend Kevin's house To pre-drink, pre-party I don't know about you but I like to drink Before I go drink So on my way to Kevin's House I bought a Blue Label 100 proof Smirnoff Why? Because it's 100 proof And I go to Kevin'S House And I drank it I'm not that big of a man where I drank all of it No, girls made Tom Collins Guys had beers But I know when I left I didn't have any alcohol to carry out and what I like to do when I'm in a blackout is I like to drive. And people used to ask me, why do you drive in your blackout? I'm like, I'm in a Blackout. I don't know. What does that? Do you realize what you just asked me? And I vaguely remember getting to this party. I vagedly remember finding the keg in the backyard and when I find a keg, I don' t leave the kegg. That's why I'm here. I'm here to drink this thing, right? I hold the tap because That's, I'm smart like that. You know, beer, give my friends beer, social with girls, have a beer. Guys I don't like, fill them up with foam. And if the cops come, you take the keg, you throw it over the fence, you chase it, and then now you've got a keg to take home, right? And I vaguely remember walking out of that house, into the sliding glass door into the house. I vaginely remember the front door and something happening. I have a vague recollection of hopping into my little Mazda RX-7 and speeding away, and I have the flash of a lot of blue and red. And I come out of my blackout, and I'm in handcuffs again. And there's 15 cops, a helicopter overhead, and I don't know what's going on. I'm asking all the cops, Officer, can you please tell me what's doing on? Officer, nobody would tell me. I'm like, Officer, I just got here. What happened? Because I really don't know why I'm in handcuffs. And I remember a squad car comes by with the spotlight on, and there's three people in the back seat, and all three of them are pointing at me as it drives by. And I'm like, oh, man, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. And I get booked, and they finally tell my charge that I've been arrested for a felony assault in battery, and I hurt somebody really, really bad. And I got bailed out, had to call my dad. And when I got out, I was sober as a judge when I walked out of that, when I Got Out of Jail. And my dad drove me to the impound yard to get my car. And if you're alcoholic, you've probably had that long ride in a car with somebody who's got to remind you of all of this stuff. And I'm like, I know everything you're talking about. You can shut up now. I don't need to hear this. And we get to the impound yard. And I remember getting in my car and the electric gates rolling open. I'm wondering where am I going to go? And I thought to myself, I need a drink. And I went right to the liquor store, bought a 12-pack Cruzele bottle of Blue Lab 100 proof Smirnoff, went right into Kevin's house and drank it. and people used to ask me why I did something. I said, because I don't care, because I like to have fun but after a while, it wasn't fun anymore. I used to tell people that I didn't care but part of the problem was is I did care. I wanted to show up for Thanksgiving, Christmas, my own high school graduation party, my grandfather's, I wanted you to show me but I couldn't show up and people kept asking me, why don't you do, if you loved us, you wouldn't do this And I remember thinking, well then, I guess I don't love you because I can't stop. I remember one day my mom saying, Chris, if you would just try harder. And I member thinking to myself, this is me trying my hardest. You want to see me not try? Let's do that, right? I love Alcoholics Anonymous because it was able to explain to me what was wrong with me. I had seen a Harvard educated psychiatrist for years and he tried to tell me that the reason why I drank the way I drank is because my dad didn't hug me and tell me he loved me my brothers picked on me the nuns used to hit me with yardsticks my girlfriend cheated on me and that's why I drink the way i drink and i used to think i've never opened a beer and thought dad why don't you love me and drink a beer sister charlotte why did you hit me that day so it didn't make sense but this guy is smart and the guy who ended up explaining what was wrong with me He spent eight years in Michigan State Penitentiary for a forgery. It was Joe, and he talked to me about exactly what Cliff talked about. This allergy I have, we believe, and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol and these chronic alcoholics is the manifestation of an allergy, and the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker. Then when it comes to alcohol, the definition of an allergen is an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I don't react normally. My brothers, I got three brothers, none of them are alcoholics. It's crazy. My wife and I flew back to California four years ago, five years ago. And we were sitting in this restaurant, and we're about to eat dinner. It's crowded. Got one of those little buzzer things. And I remember my little brother says to my older brother, I'm going to go get a beer. You want one? My older brother says, nah, let's split one. And you know what these guys did? They split a beer. Who splits a beer? Normal people. They have a target, they hit it, and they're done. Me? My target's moving now. I know where I want to get to, but I can't quite get there. Sometimes I overshoot the mark, and I wind up in a blackout, and I'm in handcuffs, and I don't know why. Sometimes I've drank myself sober. I don' t know if you've ever done that. That's just a really weird experience. I got a 12-pack of beer. I've drunk eight of them. If I drink these last four beers before Seinfeld's over, I will go lie down and everything will be wonderful. I drink those four beers, I lie down, I'm physically intoxicated, but my mind is on. I drank myself sober. Who does that? A person with an abnormal reaction to alcohol. And I started to understand what they were talking about, that I have an allergic reaction. Once I start to drink, I can't stop. Normal people get in trouble with alcohol because they drank too much, right? What I learned that day is I got in trouble because I couldn't get enough. Because once I started, the only way I could scratch the allergy that I have to satisfy that physical craving was to pour more alcohol on me. And that made so much more sense than all the other stuff that people were trying to tell me. But the interesting thing is, is I used to think that the insanity of that story was going into a blackout, getting in a fight and going to jail. because I used to hear that stuff in war story meetings. All the things that we did, and you know what? I remember I would listen to people and I would hear I never lost a job from drinking because I always quit just before they were going to fire me. I've never gotten to drunk driving, ever. And I could start to list all these things that I haven't done and I could convince myself I'm not alcoholic. But that is not the common problem of alcoholism. And that, a lot of times, is the common differences. That's what I don't like about discussion meetings. The common problem is this craving. Myers, man, he told me he won't go to discussion meetings because he just can't do it anymore. And he looked at me and said, Chris, I'm so glad that you're going because one of us has to do it, and he wasn't. And I understand that. I understand that the insanity today of that story wasn't the blackout in the jail. It was the next morning when I was leaving that place and the thought of drinking came. I like what it says on page 37, that it's a lack of proportionate ability to think straight. That's the insanity. Man, when I first got sober, I heard insanity and I'm thinking, I'm not crazy. I think of Jack Nicholson, When He Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Thorazine. and rubber straight jackets and rubber rooms and I'm not insane you're not going to find me at 3 in the morning watching Telemundo reading Guns and Ammo wearing my wife's bra and panties rubbing peanut butter on my nipples I'm that kind of insane but when it comes to alcohol I have a lack of proportionability to think straight I can't tell you how many times I've been arrested or gotten in trouble or have to go see the PO and I drink and people would look at me like are you crazy yeah I didn't know I didn' t know that I didn''t have the ability to think straight and when it was finally explained to me I understood why I drank the way I drank the reality of the whole situation came into focus and I used to think that the first step I never saw the dash when I first got sober now I'm pals with alcohol and that my life's unmanageable. I thought the unmanagability of my life was because of the drinking and the trouble I got in. But when you read, a dash means end a thought, start a thought. And if the unMANAGEABILITY of my Life isn't my drinking, it's the unMAGAGABILTY of my LIFE. What it talks about on 44 and 45, that if a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. Right? That I could wish to be moral, I could be philosophical, I could do these things all my might but the needed power isn't there that I cannot do the next right thing I know what a good person does and what a bad person does, I know the difference between a truth and a lie, I, I knew what my parents wished I would have been but I couldn't do it, I didn't have the power, I will be talking to a guy and I start to tell a lie sober, I just no reason, he's not the man he's nicht the judge, nicht mein PO, nicht mein Boss, he ist nur ein Mensch, richtig And I start to tell a lie for no reason. And I'm looking at the guy telling the lie thinking, I'm telling you a lie right now as I'm talking about it. And now I'm starting to get interested in this lie because I'm wondering where it's going to go because I have no idea. And that's the only way. I cannot manage to do the right thing, to be the person I was. And it's hard because I was raised, people used to say, what's wrong with you? And after a while, people said, you're just bad. You're just evil. You're morally corrupt. And if you tell a kid that enough, he starts to believe it. I thought, that's me. In high school, I wasn't most likely to be a congressman, most likelyto be an all-star baseball. I was voted most likelytobet convicted of a felony. And I was proud of that. Alcoholics are proud of the weirdest things. The unmanageability of my life is that I can't manage to do what I know is right. And I'm not saying that's separate from the first half of the first step because where my unmanageability really shows is I cannot manage to control this desire to drink. I absolutely cannot. I like what it talks about on 42 that this process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction and I can do the job myself. And that is what the first tip is all about. It's not about getting a new guy and pumping him up with all the things you can do, the high five or daily whatever or call someone, pray, go to a meeting. If I could do all those things and stay sober, I'd be doing that. I know people who do all Those Five and Add Five more on it and drink. It's not about those things that I do. And page 45 says that lack of power is my dilemma. That I don't have this power that's required to live a happy, sustainable life to get rid of the bedevilments on page 52. In and of myself, I can't do that. Dilemma is a really interesting word. I used to think dilemma was solving a problem. It's a dilemma. The dictionary, I don't know why this came to mind, it says, A situation requiring a choice between two equally unpleasant alternatives. That's like I'm on a boat, and my son and daughter both fall in the water, and I can only save one. That's a Dilema. Lack of power is my dilemma. Why? I got issues with God. I got, got issues with God born and raised Catholic nuns just and it's hard because at one point in my childhood I loved God so much that I was going to become a priest. I was gonna go to seminary I was gunna devote my life to that but then as I got older the way I lived my life killed every dream that I had and that dream was ripped away from me. And what do you do when your dreams are gone? You know, I don't have the power in of myself and thank God the very next sentence says well that's exactly what this book is about it's main objects it's enabled me to find a power within myself that's going to solve my problem. I'm not going to find God so I can solve it. God is not some kind of Ronco pocket God where I go through my life self-willing it. When I get my ass in trouble, I pull God out and I wave him around and then God removes it and then I put him in my free with purchase God carrying case until I need him the next time. That's not how this deal works, right? This process, like it talks about moving into inventory, this process, it has removed the blocks that kept me from having this relationship with this power that has always been there. the second step was just an amazing thing because I thought the second step was all about climbing into my broken relationship with God in the past and somehow tick and tying and mending it all together so I will have love of God again, and that's not at all what it did, the second step in the big book actually describes stop looking at your past relationship with god and look how I came to believe in this power of great and mean, but I was looking at you people who used to do what I did who drank like I drank, who ruined all these relationships, but all those relationships are now healed in your life. You're useful and productive and happy. And I would ask these guys, how is that possible? They say, because of this relationship with God that I found, I found and maintained through working these 12 steps. I came to believe in a power greater than me the exact same way I came believing in alcohol. Growing up, I saw my dad and my brothers drink. They had a great time. And my friends drank. They had great time and I knew if I drank, I too, I shall have a great times. And I took some action. I grabbed a drink. I was 15 years old, never fit, never liked who I was. I just didn't fit. And I drank three Mickey Big Moth malt liquors in about a half hour. And I met God. I took my first real breath. And you can't explain that to people who aren't like me, right? My parents could not understand why I'm doing what I'm going. They don't get, I have to do this. The second step was such a revelation for me in the process of how it does it. Page 52, it says, when we saw others solve their problems by simple reliance upon the spirit of the universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our idea didn't work, but this God idea did. Simple reliance. How can you rely on something that you can't explain? I hear people say that all the time. If you can't explain it or tell me how to use it, it doesn't exist. You can't get direction from an all-knowing thing unless you can fully explain it. When people tell me that, I hold up this. I have a simple reliance on this unit. This thing runs my life, right? If I have question about quantum physics, I could Google it on this and it will tell me. I can be totally you can draw me off anywhere in the United States and I'll plug in my home address and this will tell me how to get home and you know what I'm pretty sure any one of you people if I dropped you off in the middle of the jungle with a pocket knife and said you can't come out of that jungle until you build me a working cell phone you're going to die in that jungle for all I know there's gremlins smoking crack in that thing I don't know I have a general idea of how a cell phone works, right? My voice, my vocal cords make these vibrations that come out in sounds. And this little microphone picks it up. And inside this magical little device, it takes analog, turns it into digital. And it transmits this signal off to this repeater tower, right. And it bounces off of that and goes to my friend James' phone. And he picks it UP in the microphone that goes into these things in his ear. and then when he talks, it happens like that. I understand the basics of how a cell phone works but I simply rely on it. That's all. So why can't I take that same thing of the material world and apply it to God? It's a simple reliance. I only need a concept to start. I don't have to explain God. There's no way. It says it's impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that power which is God. I hate talking about God to people. It says other people's ideas don't matter. Use your own conception however limited it is. It's sufficient to make the approach to affect a contact with him. Because what I'm after with these steps is not a better idea of God, it's a conscious relationship with God. Right now, if we all took out a piece of paper and put our concept of what Bigfoot looked like, everybody, we would have all different ideas. Oh he's 10 feet, he's 4 feet, he's 6 feet, right? He's got 22-inch hair. He's Got 8-inch Hair. He's GOT Sharp Teeth. He'sGot Flat Teeth He Grunts. He Smells Like Potpourri. You Will Hear All These Different Ideas. But If Bigfoot Walked In Right Now, None Of Our Concepts Matter Because We Now Have A Conscious Relationship With Him. Right? That'S What I'M After. When They Talk About A Consious Relationship, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS BETTER. I'M TALKing About I Can Tell You About An Actual Conscious Contact I had with God today, right now in this moment. And people don't understand that's what these steps are all about. It's to remove these blocks so I can see the existence of God in everything I do because I'm not supposed to be standing here sober I'm NOT. I started to understand this coming to believe in not, I don't have to believe I just have to come to believe that there is something going on in your life that's not going on In Mine Then I started to see that I've got to make this decision to turn my own life over to God. But it's just a decision, right? Bottom page 62. He's the director, which means I'm the actor. He'sthe principal, whichmeans I'mtheagent. He'sthepfathermeansI'mthechild. I know what an actor seeks from a director and that's direction. Lights don't come on, people don't talk, cars don't, nothing happens until the director says this is what I want to see, right. I'm supposed to ask God for direction in everything I do from this decision forward. I know principle and agent, right? It's like if Garth Brooks coming to Dallas, and I'm his tour agent, he comes to me and says, Chris, I want to go to Dallas. Okay, Garth, let me get everything hooked up. As his agent, I act on behalf of the one who has power. I set everything up for him, but I don't call the Ritz Carlton hotel and say, hey, this is what I'm going to see you do for me. I'm telling you what this This is what we need to see for Garth Because he's the principal, I'm the agent I get that role confused all the time Here I am telling God what I want He's the principle, not me And then the father-child relationship I've got to trust God Growing up I never had to go upstairs At 6 in the morning into my dad's bedroom And say, Dad, hey, wake up Will you please get up and go to work today So we can have money so I can have clothes To wear to school and we can buy books and we can have dinner tonight and you can pay the mortgage on the house, will you please get them to go to work and do that? Why didn't I have to do that because my dad knew his goddamn job. He, I didn't have to wake him up to tell him that stuff. That's why I don't have to wake up today and say, God, please keep me sober today. He knows his job. I should be asking God, what do you want from me today? That's what I'm, so that's why I'm here. I make this decision and it says next. we launch on a course of vigorous action. Wow! I don't get to sit and think about this for a little bit? I hear these guys, says I'm on my third step. How long have you been on your third step? Three weeks? What? What book are you reading? It says next we launch right after. What are you doing? I remember I did exactly what the wording said. The wording of course is quite optional so long as I express the idea of that relationship I wrote my own prayer out I got down on my knees because it says that I have to humbly do this out loud and I held Joe's hands and I read this prayer to him and I remember standing up and he gave me a spiral notebook and a pen and he came in the prayers for my first column God please bring to mind everyone I've ever been angry with because it's not it says everyone we've ever it says bottom page 65 nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty moving to the fifth step it talks about we're prepared for a long talk I remember sitting down at his little table thinking, ah, I'm not angry. I'm an angry guy. God, please bring to mind everyone I've been angry with. I just started throwing up names all over this piece of paper, right? Patty, third grade, pulled my pants down. Ms. Robinson, first grade, she got mad at me. All these names, I couldn't believe the stuff that was coming off the tip of my pen. I asked God to bring to mine everyone I'd ever been angry and angry with and it came in full force, right. When I was done with my list, I had 488 people on there. Then I do the next column, the two truth columns, right? What they did to me, God, please bring your mind why I'm resentful at this person. Write down, and I've got to remember, this is a commercial inventory. This isn't about the history. This is, if you look at the example on page 65, they're all three, four, five, six words long. You don't get a page and a half because now all I'm doing is justifying what a jerk this guy is, right. I ask God to bring my mind why am I angry, and then I list it all out. Then I look at the seven areas, how this affected me. I look ambition, pride, pocketbook, security, personal relations, sexual relations, security? Self-esteem? What did I forget? I list all those out and now I have the person, what they did to me and how that affected me and that is all the truth. Then I get to move on to the next column and it says that this column is the key to my future. If Bill Gates, Microsoft, walked up to you and said, hey, I got the key of your future, would you listen to him? I'd be like, yeah, what? Let me record you with my God device. I mean, yeah we talk about the key of the future and people gloss right over it and you see their eyes roll back in their head. The key to your future is in this fourth column. I remember asking, why is it the key to my future? He said, well, do you think you will use your faults, your blame, your mistakes, where you were self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid in your fifth step? Well, absolutely, because I'm supposed to share with you the exact nature of my wrongs, and that's where it's going to come from is that fourth column. He said、Well, do yo see how those would be your character defects in steps six and seven? Well, absolute. Those are the things I'm asking God to remove. Do you think you would use that fourth column, your faults, your blame, your mistakes, where you're self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid in your eighth step? Well, absolutely. Those are the things that I need to go make amends for. He said, well, do you think he'd use those when you're making the amends in the ninth step? Absolutely. He showed me how the tenth step is actually a short version of a fourth column of your inventory. And that's what drives 10 and 11. And I can't tell you how many times I've used fourth column inventory stuff on a 12-step call to help somebody to understand that I know exactly what you're going through. There are 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. Eight of them come from the fourth column of that resentment inventory. That's why they call it the key to my future. That's how I spend so much time on it because all that stuff, because I'm supposed to disregard the other person involved entirely when I fold those pages and I can no longer see column two and three and I got that person's name and I've got the fourth comma of my fault, my blame, my mistake. I now see the reality of what's going on. And when I unfold those pages, I get to see how the fourth column turned the second and third column into a lie. It's an amazing thing. My number one resentment was towards my dad. He never hugged me. He never told me he loved me. He never showed up at the game. He wasn't the dad I thought he would be. All true. And it affected me in those seven areas. All true, but when I got down and I asked God to show me where I was self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. And I looked for my faults, my blame, my mistake. I saw that I was selfish and I never really considered where my dad was coming from. And I was expecting him to do something that he was never raised to do. My grandmother never hugged my dad, never said that she loved him. And here I am wanting my dad to do that. My dad didn't show up at the game because he had a J-O-B and he was making money so I had food to eat. and then I started to realize that my self-seeking lifestyle and my dishonesty drove my dad to not want to be around me and to not say he loved me and to no hug me and I finally saw that the problem in my dad's relationship wasn't my dad it was me that's the reality of it and I got free I write all these resentments and I see all of these truths it's amazing because when you look at all these blocks I got 488 people let's just say there's we'll round it up 500 say I've got 3 resentments towards each of these people I now have 1500 items I've gotta look at then I've Gotta Look at 7 areas I'm Asian but I don't do math 1500 times 7 is a lot and then I gotta look at these 4 areas you're talking thousands of blocks from God and that's just a resentment inventory we haven't talked about pure inventory, sex inventory. Right? And people say, what's so important about inventory? Inventory, I spent a lot of time in retail and inventory. Everybody would come in, count all the stuff and if all we did was count all this stuff and found out we were wrong and if that's all we do the business would go under. The real work of inventory is fixing it. The work that's done after you take inventory when you have to reconcile and set right the wrongs. Right? I fist step I like that it says person or persons I was heavily encouraged to read to more than one person I read inventory it says you can read inventory I've read my last I don't know six, seven inventories of my wife people say how can you do that well the big book says it it says you can reach you can't share something with her that's going to hurt her you save that for someone else to be unaffected and then I got guys I say, and you can't do that. And I ask, well, have you ever read a material wife? Well, no. Well, then you can shut up because you're trying to tell me about something you haven't done and I don't care about your opinion about this because I've done it. And then they get mad at me. Last name's Chun. Put me on your inventory if you ever write one, right? The good thing for me about reading inventory to multiple people and the exact nature of my wrongs is the more I read it, the less power it has. I read into another person, the less powerful it has, And so now when I get to amends, and I have to sit in front of them, and now I'm reading where my faults, my blame, my mistakes are. It isn't the second time I've gone over it. It's the eighth time. And now I get TO enjoy the amends because I'm not nervous about what I'm telling you. All this stuff started to make sense. The reality of everything started to come into focus. I read my inventories. I get into six and seven. And it's interesting because six isn't about willingness. It talks about being ready. Are you now ready? willingness and ready are two separate things willingness is an internal thing I'm willing to do something right ready is am I externally prepared I always use this stupid analogy I I'm entirely willing to fly an F-16 fighter plane totally willing I am so not ready I don't know where you put the key in I don'T KNOW WHICH PEDALS THE GAS I DON'T KNOW BUT I WOULD GLADLY DO IT RIGHT So you can be willing and not ready. But the other side of that is you can be ready and not willing. One day, a bunch of sober buddies and I went out to this place in the spirit to go skydiving. It's a weekend course, jump school is first day, second day. You fly up in a perfectly good plane, you jump out of it. I go through jump school, everything's great. We spend the night. Sunday, we get to jump out of a plane with a parachute on. I know exactly what to do. I am entirely ready to jump out of a plane, and I'm not willing to do it. No, no, no, no. It was too windy that day, and they gave us all these coupons to come back. I'm like, oh man, I really wanted to go. The interesting thing about willingness though is that the more ready I become, the more willing I am. My friend Jeff talked to me. He relayed this experience of I wasn't ready to do this meeting at work. Didn't know the material didn't know what was going on but as I got the information and I studied and I prepared myself and I did my powerpoint and I got everything right, the more ready I became the more willing I was to do it. That's where the key comes in. Being ready in terms of this book is have you answered all the questions? Have you done all the suggestions? Have you don't what's in this book? Because if you haven't, shame on your sponsor. It's not your fault. It's non. Right? Like Cliff said, this is all about sponsorship. It was a whole deal. I'm so thankful to the men who spent countless hours making sure that I'm doing this by the book. And I mean that, by the books. I get to roll on to step seven. And it's interesting because step seven says, can he now take them all? All my character defects. And I used to think, can he now take them all means, do I believe God can now remove my character defects? So in 1986, I was a self-employed transportation logistics project manager of narcotics. And one night, I'm working and Officer Royce pulls me over. Officer Royce knows me. And he came up to my car, I rolled my window down, he said, Mr. Chena, Officer RoyCE, he said can I search your car? Officer Royc wasn't asking if I believed he had the ability to search my car. He was asking me are you going to give me permission to do this or are we going to do it the hard way? That's what that statement means. Can he now take them all or am I going to fight this deal? Right? it's amazing because i used to think why do they put give all this good and bad to god can i keep my good stuff right but then when i take a good hard look at my inventory the reason why i got to give it all over good and Bad is because my inventory shows me that there is no beam there is no love and generous and patience i'm on this magical beam and when i'm angry resentful and jealous i'm off the beam because what i've seen in my inventories i use love kindness generosity as a weapon to get you to do shit that you don't want to do. And I've seen where resentment and jealousy and greed through the process of this book and making amends has led me to a better relationship with myself, God and everybody around me. So which one's the bad one? I don't know. That's why I give it all to God. Good and bad. And I let God do it. God's the oven. Right? I let Him do it because there's a lifetime of work ahead of me in 8 and 9. I get into this drastic self-appraisal of who do I need to make amends to Joe didn't tell me who to make Amends to at all he said say the prayers God please bring to mind who I need what wrongs need to be righted and from that 488 people I had 355 formal amends I had to make wow it's a lot get to work Chris I made all my cards I did this drastic self- appraisal and I cleaned up my fourth column so it wasn't mentioning them and it was sticking to my fault, my blame my mistake and I started asking God how do I find these people? I like what it talks about on page 77 that our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. Yeah it is, I'm trying to put my life in order but the real purpose is for me to put myself in a position where I can be of maximum service. And I don't know what that's going to look like. And i start going out and i'm starting to make these amends and i start with the easy ones. Start with my dad, right? Top one, got to get him out of the way. And I really wish I could tell you that when I sat down and I said, I'm an alcoholic in order for me to stay sober, I had a clean direction in my past, even toward my life, I saw where I caused you harm. And I am at fault in our relationship. And here's where I was selfish. Here's where I was self-seeking. Here was where I dishonest. And he hugged me and said, Chris, I love you. You're the son I've always wanted. But he didn't. He didn't change. He was the same asshole prick I'd known my whole life when we separated that day, right? But the miracle was that I changed. My dad didn't have to change at all. I got well. The miracle behind all of that, this guy I resented, I became a son to that man and I used to go over to their house and do housework for him. Five years after my amends, I was leaving their house after fixing an upstairs bathtub. They had some plumbing issues, had to knock out some tile, do some work and I was, I have my stuff, see you guys later, I'm walking and my dad says, hey Chris I thought he was going to say why didn't you do this, you're tracking mud something like that. And my dad walked up to me and for the first time in my life that I can remember my dad put his arms around me and he said, Chris I love you and he hugged me. You can't tell me there's not of God. You can't tell me that I'm powerless over people, places and things I have more power over people, place and things than any one individual should have because I've ruined every relationship I ever touched while drinking and through this process and amends I've healed every single relationship My mom used to burst into tears when she saw me When I got sober back in 88 I was light green gray because my liver and kidneys had stopped working I was drinking Sterno, squeeze, put Sterno in a sock and you squeeze it out, drink the alcohol because that's all I was getting because I lived under a bridge. My mom used to just she couldn't see, she couldn'T look at me she would cry. I was five years old, my mom gave me a plaque that's hanging right next to my bathroom sink that says having you for a son sure makes me look good. My mom's visiting right now, she's in town and in this last week she's seen 11 of the 27 guys that I sponsor come through our house for an hour and she gets she knows what's going on and the other day we were sitting there and said Chris you were a great father you don't get from where I was to where I am today without the loving and powerful hand of God right I did what it talks about on page 79 reminding ourselves we decided to go to any links to find a spiritual experience not to have a spiritual experience I'm not doing this stuff where I'm doing these steps, I'm going to have this experience and I'm gonna burst into sobriety. I was already, I'm sober. I'm not going to get any more sober than I am now. I need to have an awakening. What got me sober and is keeping me sober right now I gotta wake up to that fact. Right? It says do we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail. We must be willing we have to be we must not shrink in anything and I had stolen $25,000 from this employer and I was still on paper and I wasn't going to go back to jail if I made this amends. And I used to go to this meeting called As Outlined in the Big Book in Santa Monica and the format was 9, 10, 11 or 12 and you're not allowed behind the podium unless you're in those steps because nobody cares about your opinion about something you haven't done. Right? and all these guys would get up. It's weird because I go to some meetings and inventory and amends gets such a bad rap. Oh, I hate writing inventory and I'm not going to make that amends. And what people don't realize is when you share that and you're sober a period of time that the new man hears that and then he hears how bad inventory is and well, I'm now making that amens and so when they get to that they hate inventory and they don't make amends and we perpetuate this cycle. Where I come from I love writing inventory. I love making amends It is such a wonderful experience to watch the things that happen as a result of that because I don't know what they're going to be. So I'm scared to make this amends, and this guy I had known for a long time, he had spent quite a lot of time at L.A. County Gladiator School, and while there he sold drugs, and he shared that he had made an approach to the warden and he was going to go make amends. I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But it's ingenious because your car is going to be in the parking lot when you get out. You don't need a ride. And I asked him, why are you doing this? He pointed right to that page. And he said, I would rather be a truthful man behind the walls carrying the message than a liar sitting in these rooms with you people. And I thought, God, God. And I knew what I had to do. I did what the book says. I consulted with others, talked to the attorney, He said, this is what I'm going to go do. And he said, Chris, this isn't a really stupid idea, but we've had this discussion before. If you get thrown in, call me. So the company that I worked for, when they fired me, they wouldn't let me through the security gates. They said, we're going to mail you your stuff. Leave. Wow, geez. Why are you so mad? I called them up, I made an approach, set a point with the owner of the company, president, and my direct supervisor. I walked into the conference room, and there was armed security in the room. I understand why. I sat them down, I said, I'm an alcoholic, in order for me to stay sober, I've got to clean up the wreckage from my past inventory of my life I saw where I caused you harm. I told them I was self-seeking dishonest, afraid of how I stole $25,000 from them. And I asked him the three questions I was taught to ask. Is there anything else that I've done that's harmed you? And let him answer. The second question, how did all this affect you? Because that's very important because I think I know how my stuff affects you. I've had people I thought, this is one of those tiny amends, right? Patty, who pulled my pants down in third grade, who I made amends to, I thought this was going to be a small amends. Self-seeking, self-self-sufficiency, selfless or afraid. I get up and I'm waiting for a hug this is all over and she told me how I ruined her childhood and how she had to go to therapy for years after what happened from what I had done to her in school I have no idea how it affects people I think these ex-employers are going to tell me how I ruin them and how they were so glad to get rid of me and you affected us each one of them said how they loved me and how their wish that they could do something for me but they didn't know what was wrong with me and they had to let me go they couldn't afford to keep me around I didn't go to jail that day and my amends took 15 minutes. I was in there for an hour and a half. When I got to leave, we were all hugging. They were offering me my job, money, stuff, take anything you want. I'm like, wow! Went back to my home group, shared about that I didn't go to jail because I've known guys who did go to prison for making amends, and they carried the message behind the walls, and they did it gladly. I think that's where the amends ends. i got this job and i'm on the sales floor i'm in sales and uh i turn around and the president of the company mike older guy about this tall scares me his face is swollen his eyes are red i hadn't seen him in a year you tell this guy's torn up crying and he hugs me in the middle of sales floor I'm like Mike what's wrong what is going on he said Chris I remember when you came talked to us a year ago. My daughter's hooked on meth. Will you please help me? Whoa. Look what God did. He turned my fear of making amends, used my friend's experience that forced me into doing this to making that amends to be there for him a year later. To be of maximum service to God and people without me. I don't know what that's going to look like. I have no idea. I can't tell you how many amends I have made that have led to somebody getting sober. somebody who needed the message who wouldn't have heard it had I not I got free I got all kinds of I could talk about hundreds of amends that I've made where I come from you make all of them when it says make them all you make them all right if you're not making your amends it better show up in your 10 and 11 and you better be talking your response about why you're not making them because that's what we do where I come from we care more about whether you live or die than how you feel about what we talk about We're cut from the exact same cloth. As I'm cleaning up the wreckage of my past, I get in a tent and I start my moving inventory where I look for self-dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And when they crop up, I ask God to remove it as soon as I recognize it, right? And I got to look around. Is there somebody that I hurt? Do I need to make men? Do I got talk to Myers? Do I love intolerance, right ? I do this moving inventory as I live my life Everything I do, I do prayer and meditation. I do... It's interesting because I used to think prayer is about talking, meditation is about listening and it's about so much more than that. Those three paragraphs that are described, my nightly review upon awakening, my spot check, each one of those paragraphs has a statement, we ask God. There's a period of work where I review my day, where it's the self-sacrifice, it's honest prayer, I look at all my stuff, I get all this in front of me, and I ask God for forgiveness and what corrective measures need to be taken. That's the meditation, right? Before I begin my day, I ask God to clear me of wrong motives. That's what I do. Meditation, there is no Eastern word for meditation, although most people think of meditation as an Eastern philosophy, right. The closest word they have in the East to translate meditation is cultivation, bhavana, right. What meditation is about is preparing me for the day. I've got to till the soil, I've Got to make sure it's fertilized, and I've GOT TO plant the seed. And then I can harvest that. That's what these three things are all about. Prayer and meditation, getting me ready, ask God to remove my wrong motives and to clean it up as I go along. And then I get into the twelfth suggestion. Nothing will so much ensure sobriety as intensive work with another alcoholic. Definition of intensive is to the limit of safety. I need to find out how many people I have to work with until I die that will kill me and I go back one click. Right? People ask, Chris, how can you work with 27 guys? Shut a cap out around 45. I wish I had 20 more to work. I wish there were more to go to work with, right? Why? How do you do it? I'm not a life coach. I'm not a therapist, right? I'm here. We meet an hour a week and we get through this book. You get through inventory. You read it. I share my experience, strength, and hope with you. And when you're done, we get into the traditions of the 12 concepts of service and you better be helping people. That's what this whole deal is about. I'm no longer a therapist. I'm used to high-bottomed suburban AA where people talk about having such a rough day that Ferrari won't start, the dog won't sit, there's leaves in my pool. What? What did you just say? topics were just off the rails my home group meeting is a 7 a.m meeting at the frisco group and when i first started going there seven eight years ago was three guys who were hard drinkers not really alcoholics and what they want to talk about was their day and i watched new people come in who are really alcoholic who couldn't listen to that not stay but the more i carried the message the more people were attracted and the more People are Attracted i had john come out and do a book study. Derek came out. I had all these people starting to come because I'm trying to infuse big book into this group and now if you try to come to the morning meeting at the first go, ah, big book you're going to have a rough time. Right? Some people wonder why I'm so passionate about this thing. These people who don't understand what I do don't sponsor anybody. They don't get the phone calls. They Don't See People Die. I owe my life to this program. I really do. I'll end with a story. Alcoholic, blackout drinker, comes out of a blackout in the middle of the desert, has no idea how he got there. Nobody around. He starts wandering around the desert and he's suffering and he is dying. Here and there he runs into other alcoholics and says, I don't know, I came out of my blackout and I'm lost out in this desert. Sometimes they would walk together for an hour. Sometimes they'd walk together for a week or a month, but they'd always separate. He'd meet all, he'd met hundreds of people out in this desert. One day he comes across this guy and says, hey, dude, how long have you been out here? I've been out of here, I don't know, five, six years. I don' t know what's going on. And they're standing there talking to each other and they see this mountain range way off. They say, have you ever been over there? No, man, I haven't. Let's go check it out. And the two men walk to this mountain range and as they get closer they can hear water and as They Get Closer They Can Hear The Sounds Of A Town And As They Come Up There Is This Bridge That Goes Over This River And There Is A Guy Standing There And They Both Walk Up To This Guy And They Are Like Oh My God What Is This Place This Is Utopia Man Go On In All You Want Free Best Life You Could Ever Want One Man Runs Over the bridge. And in a few seconds, he disappears into the crowd. The other man turns around and starts walking back into the desert. The guy at the bridge goes, hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? Don't you know what you found? Guy turns around. He says, it's absolutely true. I've been shown where utopia is. But the reality is out there in that desert, there's countless alcoholics suffering and dying right now. And I know my primary purpose is, and that is to show them how to get here. Thanks for letting me share.