The Difference Between an Apology and an Amend – Paul F.

Would you please help me open today's session with a moment of silent meditation, and please allow me to offer a prayer. I will be concluding that prayer with the serenity prayer, at which time feel free to join me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. for allowing us to come together and pray in this way. And thank you for providing us a place that we can come together. We would like to thank you for those beautiful 12 steps in that book. And thankyou for allowing each and every one of us for being sober during this day. And during this time together, we humbly ask your care, your guidance, your wisdom, your direction and your love as we walk through these steps. And God, we thank you for that air that you give us to breathe today. The food in our stomachs, the clothing on our backs and the shelter over our heads. And God please set aside everything that we think we know about ourselves about the 12 steps about the book, about sobriety and about you God. God please help each and every one of us today to have an open mind so that we may have a new experience and discover the truth God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference Amen Thank you I'm Paul Fisher and I'm an alcoholic and I'd like to welcome all of you to the third session of the big book workshop where we are taking the 12 steps as outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous so that we may recover from our alcoholism I'd to welcome each and every one of you here today I'd congratulate you on your willingness and your courage those of you that completed your fourth step this week we'll be talking about that in a moment a couple of things to consider I'm not here to challenge anyone I'm Not Here To Tell You How You Should Be Doing Sobriety I'm NOT HERE TO TELL YOU HOW YOU SHOULD BE LIVING YOUR LIFE I'M SIMPLY HERE TO SHARE WITH YOU MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND HOW I WAS TAKEN THROUGH THE STEPS IN THE BEGINNING AND HOW THE steps were taken in the early 40s. So I'm going to be primarily continuing to stick to what it says in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and sharing my own experience with you about that. If you have resistance to what's being shared in this workshop, I would ask you to consider having an open mind. If it's not in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous, it's Not AA. When I work with other alcoholics, I only have a couple of things to share. One of those is my own experience and what it says in the big book. And that's it. That's all I really have to share, is my experience and what it say in the book. So let's see who's willing to be rocketed. Now notice I said rocketed, I didn't say mosey or shuffle. We're going to be rocketed! In other words, it's going to sudden. The authors mention that throughout the book. They talk about suddenly this happened, suddenly that happened. You know what suddenly means? It means without notice. That means my ego's not going to be knocking on the door and say, get ready, here we go. You're going to change. Your thinking is going to transform. Your ideas are going to modify. So it happens suddenly. So everybody who completed their fourth step, would you please stand? Okay. I'd like to congratulate each and every one of you. You are the ones that are going to be experiencing the promises that we'll be talking about today. You are the ones who are going to be the ones being rocketed into the fourth dimension. I would like to welcome you to the fellowship of the spirit and congratulations. Okay, now those of you that did not complete your four-step, I would encourage you to continue coming to the workshop and continue going through the steps. And when you get opportunity to do so, go ahead and hook up with your sponsor, spiritual advisor, and do that four-stepped because that's part of the path to the freedom that we all seek in these rooms. Also be aware, those of us who are in the room or those of me that did no complete your fourth step, you will not be experiencing the promises that we're talking about today. You see, I cannot experience the promises that the authors talk about unless I'm willing to do exactly what the authors have done in this book. So if I want what they have, so when they talk about experiencing new freedom, new peace, new happiness, new sense of direction, I'm not going to experience those if I'm Not Willing to Take the Actions described in this Book. Okay, so let's jump right into it. So, assuming that you did your fourth and fifth step, we're going to turn to page 75. That's page 75, paragraph 2. Page 75, paragraph 2. What we're doing is we're talking about the fact that we're not going to be able to do What we need to be doing in the next few minutes is going over what we need to do after we complete our fifth step in the event that your sponsor already walked you through this i'm going to ask that you walk through it again with the rest of us in the workshop for those of you that were not taken through the remaining steps in this way okay paragraph two the authors say we pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe these are the fifth step promises as we mentioned in an earlier session that there are not 12 promises in this book there are many many promises these are The Fifth Step Promises here's something to consider the authors are saying once I've taken this step providing I withhold nothing i'm going to be delighted that doesn't mean i'm excited about what i'm sharing with you in my inventory but am i delighted about the work i'm doing now if i'm not delighted i can shut the book and stop there because that's exactly what my first sponsor did with me i did my first inventory he said are you delighted and i said no and then he asked me a couple other questions do you feel that you can look the world in the eye Well, no. Do I feel alone at perfect peace and ease? No. Are my fears falling from me? No Did I begin to feel the nearness of my creator? No, and he shut the book He shut the books and that's it. I said, what do you mean? That's it We need to go on and do the other steps. He said no He says it says right here once we've taken a step with holy nothing. We are delighted He said you left something out. No, I didn't. Oh, yeah, you did about three days later I give them a call and I say, you know, there was this one thing. There was this one little thing that I forgot to mention. And invariably that has been my experience with people I've taken through the steps. They get to this point they're not delighted. It's because there's something they're still holding on to. Because the authors are telling me, look how it's worded. Withholding nothing we are delighted. These are the promises of doing the fifth step. Now, my only experience with the inventory was this was the first, not first but rather most impactful relationship or rather most impact experience I had with God. I began to have a much more impactful experience when I did my fourth step because for the first time in my life I was able to sit down with another human being and tell them about all the stuff that i had done all the harm i had caused to other people all the secrets that i hade concealed these were all the things that were blocking me from god so you see when i'm willing to disclose that to another person i am going to be delighted and i started to experience what it says in the next sentence that i could be alone a perfect peace and ease so consider that if you're not delighted about what you're doing there's probably something you're leaving out. The last sentence, it says we feel we're on the broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. How many times have you been to meetings and heard the topic let me hear your experience with being with the Spirit of the Universe? I don't see any hands going up. It's right there in the book. They're telling us this is what we're going to experience. This isn't about knowledge. This isn'T about information. This is something we're going to experience. I'm going to begin experiencing walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. What's that like for you? See, if I don't have that experience, I can't transmit it. And if I haven't experienced it, I certainly can't talk about it. So if you're having an experience of walking hand-in-hand with the Spirit of the Universe, I encourage you to take that experience back to your meetings and tell people about it. Share your experience about walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. Now, I would have resistance when I would hear people talking about these things in meetings. And the reason I had resistance to it is because I was not having that experience. So if you share an experience that I haven't had my mind is going to have resistance to its, oh that's not possible. He's not really walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe he's just like the rest of us he's a drunk just like me well of course but i'm here to tell you when we take these steps in the way that they were done in the 40s your sobriety is going to look really different because that's what happened to me my sponsor took me through the steps very quickly see you cannot take anybody through these steps too quickly but i'll tell you what you can take them through too slowly. See, I'm the real alcoholic. I need to get through these steps as quickly as possible because I need it. I need power, and I need that power, and I want to get to it now because I'm a real alcoholic." So consequently, people I got sober with, some of them didn't get around to doing their four steps until they were six, seven, eight, nine, ten months. I wasn't superior to those people. All I'm saying is that my sobriety looked really different. I felt really different than they did They struggled much longer than I did Because when I went all the way through the steps I had that spiritual awakening The compulsion to drink was removed Okay, next paragraph Here the authors are giving us specific instructions On what to do when we finish our fifth step Returning home You notice after we do this It doesn't say You know, take a week or two To consider what you did it doesn't say go to a movie you know it doesn'T SAY GO TAKE A BUBBLE BATH AND RELAX YOU'VE DONE GOOD JOB NO IT SAYS RETURNING HOME IN OTHER WORDS I'VE JUST FINISHED MY FIFTH STEP RETurning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour carefully reviewing what we have done carefully reviewing that's why we don't burn our fourth step i can't tell you how many times I've heard that in meetings. Yeah, I got down my four-step and my sponsor said go ahead and burn it. Why? I need that inventory for future reference. Then they ask us to say a prayer. It says we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. So if I'm going to thank God, that means I'm gonna say a pray. So I'm going to carefully review what I've already done. Then I'm going to say prayer. I'm want to thank god from the bottom of my heart that i know him better taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps that means i'm gonna flip back to page 59 carefully reading doesn't say read carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if i'm going to ask that's a prayer we ask если have admitted in anything for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. So you see, if I'm going to be free, if I want that freedom, these are the instructions that are necessary for me to follow. In other words, I'm going to turn back to page 59 and I'm going to take the first five steps and I am going to take them and turn them into questions. Have I admitted that I have no power over alcohol? Have I admitted that my life is unmanageable? In other words, I need a new manager. And then I'm going to review step two. Have I come to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity? Then I'm gonna go to step three. I'm wanna ask that question. Have I made that decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him? Step four, have I made a searching and fearless moral inventory? Step five, have I admitted to myself, to God and another person the exact nature of my wrongs? And then they're going to ask us to consider further questions. I was taught that wherever there's a question mark in the book it's like a stop sign. I'm going to stop and I'm goign to ask that question. Is our work solid so far? So stop and ask yourself that. Is your work solid? Is your job solid so for? Are the stones properly in place? have you skimped on the cement put into the foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand these are the things we will consider in this hour then we turn the page then the author say if big word if we can answer to our satisfaction we then look at step six we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable Do you know what indispensable means? It means I can't live without it. In other words, my willingness is indispensable. Here comes a question. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? That which is objectionable is that which blocks me from God. When I'm blocked from God, I'm block from you. so let's ask that question of ourselves are you now ready to let God see I have to be willing to let God remove them so if there is something that I want you to take, let's say I have this bottle of water up here let's says I want to you to and I bring it to you and you grab a hold of it but I don't let go you could be stronger than me, you could be more powerful than me you could be bigger than me but if I'm not willing to let go of that bottle you can't remove it so you see step six is about getting ready the sixth step is preparing us to ask God to remove it so that's all we're doing in step six is getting ready then another question can he now take them all every one ask that question can he take them all if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask god to help us be willing there's a prayer if you have some resistance we ask God the authors even give us a clue that step six is about getting ready in the very next paragraph they say when ready so i have to make sure i'm ready okay so am i ready okay let's move on to step seven when ready we say something like this my creator i am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad not some of me not the worst parts not the majority of me but all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have then completed step seven. This is the reason we need to be specific about what we're asking God to remove. My own experience is that if I'm not specific and I don't know literally what it is I'm asking him to remove he can't remove it. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that he will remove it because I'm not God. I don' t know when he's going to remove it my job is just simply to identify specifically what I want him to remove you notice that my name isn't anywhere in these two paragraphs it's not in there is it? So you see, I'm not working on my defects. You ever heard that? Yes, I am working on my defects of character. Certainly. If you hear me saying I'm working on my defects, really what I'm saying is I'm going to embellish them. The more I work on my defect, the worse they get. That doesn't mean I don't make a conscious effort to be honest, sincere helpful, willing thoughtful sure go ahead and make an effort in those areas you see these steps are paradoxical I don't remove the defects I simply do the work and leave the results to the God of my understanding so you see it's impossible for me to work on my defects if I'm applying these spiritual principles ok let's see who's ready to do 6 and 7 And what I'm going to ask is that we read the seven-step prayer out loud together. So those of you that are willing to do so and you feel that you are ready to let God remove all these things that have blocked you from him, let's go ahead and say the seven step prayer together. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Congratulations. Congratulations. Okay, now that we've completed Step 7, let's move on to Steps 8 and 9. let's turn back to page 59 let's read those steps page 59 let's go down to step 8 where it says made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all step 9 made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others Okay, back here on page 76, paragraph 3. Back here on, on page 66, paragraph 3. Notice what the authors immediately say after we've taken the seventh step. They say now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps 8 and 9. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. Wow. Do you see what they're saying? If you haven't burned your four step, you already have your amends list completed. It says it right there. It doesn't say we construct or develop a list. It said we have a list so if I'm doing the inventory as outlined in this book, I already have a list. It says we made it when we took inventory. It's already there. They go on to say, we subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this. We ask until it comes. Remember, it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. So if I'm going to go out and repair, repair means to mend or restore. To mend or restore. In other words, I'm going to attempt to mend or restore the damage that I have caused. Okay. Page 77. Third line from the top of the page. Page 77, third line from the topofthe page. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. Here the authors are telling me what my real purpose in life is. Not my purpose in AA but my purpose in life. It doesn't say to be a maximum service. it says to fit ourselves to be of maximum service in other words I have purpose and meaning for life today I didn't have that when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous I had no sense of purpose, I had not sense of meaning for life, life didn't having any meaning I thought it was over now I have a purpose wow from that line let's go down seven lines go down seven lines from where we just read but our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong that means I'm going to attempt to write the wrong in order to do that it's going to be necessary for me to ask what can I do to write the long because that's why I'm there Let's go to the next paragraph Next paragraph, line 4 The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him And though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him We are still not too keen about admitting our faults Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. The experience that comes to mind is the word arrogance kept coming up in my inventories. And I finally faced the reality that in order to be free from that, it was necessary for me to go back and make amends to every single person I knew in AA that had been affected by my arrogance. And I did not want to do that. I still don't like making amends. I make them because I want to be freed. so I hemmed and hawed and there was this one person in AA who I felt didn't really deserve my amends because he was much more arrogant than me so I went ahead and humbled myself and I went to the guy and admitted I was wrong in treating him the way that I had and that my arrogance had caused some harm when I got to the part of the amends where I asked is there anything I can do to right this with you and he responded with Nah, watching you grovel was enough for me You see, but by that time I ended up laughing right along with him You see It's important for us to not take ourselves too seriously And I'll tell you why it's essential That we not take ourself too serious And that's because we are the joke I'm the joke You won't have that experience if you don't do these steps Okay Last paragraph on page 77 Last paragraph On page 77 Under no condition do we criticize Such a person or argue Simply we tell him that we will never get over Drinking until we have done Our utmost to straighten out The past We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result. I'm not there to talk about them. I'm Not There to Talk About Their Wrongs when I go out to make an amend I'm there to do one thing and one thing only and that is to make an amend so if you're going to make and amend and then when you get done you think okay now there's something I need to share with you okay now I got the amend out of the way and I share that with you and then I turn to the person and say oh by the way there's some feelings I need to share with you or I need to confront you about some behavior of yours I can guarantee you it will dilute the amend because that's not what it says here. See, I'm there to sweep off my side of the street. You see, it doesn't matter how people respond. It does not matter whether they accept or reject the amend. I'm here for one reason only, to clean up my sideofthe street so I can be clean and I can do good. So I can right with my God and I ca be right with you. So you see, it doesn' t matter if you reject my amend. It does' t not matter. That' s not why I'm ther. I'm not doing it there to please you. to maintain your friendship, to get you to like me, to give me some strokes, pat me on the back. I can tell you what will happen when our motives aren't clear. My wife did something to me one day, and I resented it. And I felt she owed me an amend. And I instantly recognized that I needed to make her an amend as well. So I decided, well, if I go make an amend to her, she'll make one to me, right? So I go to her and, you know, I make this poetic amend. And I go to her in the morning, and I make an amendment, and she doesn't say anything. So then I walk off pissed off. I mean, I humbled myself. What kind of a program is she working? She didn't make amends to me. and then it hit me that my motives were dishonest. Oh, my God, now I've got to go back and make amends for the way I made amends. Now, keep in mind, at this time I had no expectations of amends from her because I was clear about the motives for making that amend. So I went back to her and made amens for the ways I made them. And since I got done, she says, oh, yeah, by the way, I have an amend I'd like to make to you. Page 78, paragraph 2. Page 78. Paragraph 2. Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Telling them what we are trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking. They usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can, we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. So here the authors are telling us it's okay to let the person know that you're a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, that you've been slow to pay. The experience that comes to mind is I committed an armed robbery when I was drinking and there were two of us involved in it. Now the question is am I entitled to go back to that Taco Bell and tell them my crime partner's name. Not according to what the authors instruct. So I was asked that inevitable question by my sponsor. How free do you want to be? I don't know if I want to beat that free. What happened was I had the money in hand and I went back to the Taco Bell. And I walked in, and of course, the management had changed. And I talked to them, and I talked with them, and I walked back in, and I let them know who I was. Hi, my name is Paul Fisher. I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in order for me to stay sober, it's essential that I go back and I correct all the wrongs that I've committed. By the way, I didn't mention my crime partner's name because the truth was, I did commit the crime. i robbed your store and i believe this is the amount of money that i took and i handed him the money his first reaction was you know i could call the police i said i'm aware of that he said i don't believe you're doing this why are you here so i reiterated one more time i'm a sober member of alcoholic synonymous and in order for me to stay sober it's essential that i write all the wrongs that i've committed otherwise I won't stay sober he said, I just can't believe I've never heard of such a thing do all you people do this? I wasn't going to answer that question because I'm a spokesman for AA anywhere I go I'm not a spokeswoman for AA I asked him if there was anything else I could do he said no, this is fine this is great and I'm the free man today See, that doesn't hang over my head anymore. Okay, page 79. Page 79, paragraph 1. Page 79. Page 79 paragraph 1 Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding, reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience. We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. Notice that the authors say that these take innumerable forms. There are a lot of creative ways we can make amends. working with a sponsor who has experience in going through these steps repeatedly, who has experience with making amends sponsors can be very creative there was a group of people that I owed money to in another state and it was a large four figure amount of money so what I did was I wrote a letter, general service delivery in that town hoping to contact these people because i did i didn't know where how to find them and i i didn'T get a response so i felt well I'M DONE WITH THAT ONE YOU KNOW IF THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF I'LL MAKE THAT AMEND AND I TOOK THAT BACK TO MY SPONSOR AND HE SAID WELL LET'S HOLD ON A MINUTE AND THEN HE ASKED THAT QUESTION HE SAid HOW FREE DO YOU WANT TO BE I HATE IT WHENEVER HE STARTS ANY CONVERSATION WITH HOW FREE YOU WANNA BE I KNEW SOMETHING that is in store that I'm not going to like. It's not going to suit my ego. So he asked a question, and I said, yeah. I'm willing to go at any length. He said, by the way, when you took that money, do those people belong to the same universe that you do? I said yeah. He said so not only did you take money from those people, you took money from our universe, didn't you? I said yes. He said well, Are you willing to pay it back? And I said, yeah. He said, okay, this is what we're going to do. He said every time you go to a meeting and the seventh edition basket comes around, you're goingto put at least a $10 or $20 bill in there, and you're not allowed to let anybody see you do it, and you'RE not allowedtotellanyone. I'll tell you, man, that was really hard because that basket came around. I wanted to snap that $20.00 bill, and I wanted everybody to know what a generous little AA I was being. Can you see how generous? Look here, I'm putting a $20 bill in there. I'm so big-hearted. And it was difficult. So what I did was I maintained a written record of the amount of money until it was paid off. He instructed me not to tell anybody for five years. So for the first five years of sobriety, I couldn't tell a soul about that. So you see, sponsors can be very creative. A couple of other examples. I sponsor a guy who committed cruelty to animals. what he did is he went to an animal shelter and did some volunteer work another guy was cruel to women, he ended up going back to a woman's shelter and doing some volunteer work just recently I sponsored a guy and I had him go to a woman that I selected and to sit down with her because this person had committed harm to a number of nameless women he didn't know their names so I had them sit down with this woman and make the amends to her. So you see, there are a lot of creative ways that we can make amends. Okay, page 79, paragraph 2. Page 79, paragraph 2 Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. In other words, we need to be considerate of who may be affected by this. That's why in step nine it says, make direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. So I need to consider that. Is this amend going to cause more harm? If so, I do not make that amend directly to that person. In other words, I'm not allowed to go back and make amends to someone at their expense, just so I can relieve myself of my own guilt and shame. Okay, page 80. Page 80, paragraph 1. Page 80. Paragraph 1. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, these are the instructions. If we haven't obtained permission and have consulted with others, ask God to help, and the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. So I need to consider, are other people going to be affected? For example, I'm married. I need a financial amendment. I've said there's an ideal payment arrangement in my head I need to sit down with my wife and go over it with her you know, there's a financial amend I need to make. How's that going to affect our budget? So you see I wasn't entitled to mention my crime partner's name when I made that amend because I'm not there to satisfy myself at the expense of someone else. So here the authors are giving us specific constructions we've obtained permission we've consulted with others in other words I'm not off running up I'm that out there running on my own doing this notice I'm going to check it out with my sponsor okay paragraph 4 on page 80 He saw that he had to place the outcome in God's hands or he would soon start drinking again. See, I'm there to do God's work. This is part of God's work. When I made that decision in step three to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand Him, it simply means I'm going to do God's work. What does that mean? That means I'm going to go out and clear up the wreckage of my past and present, if you have any. So I can be free, so I can be of service to other people. And I'm going to place the outcome in God's hands. I didn't know what was going to happen when I went back to that Taco Bell. I didn' t know. I didn''t know what was going to happen as a result of putting that money in the basket. All I know is it was necessary for me to place the outcome in God's hands. There was another amend I made years after the fact where I owed a music store a bunch of money for some equipment that I had bought on the installment plan, which I never paid for. At the time I committed the harm, they didn't have computers. I called the music store, identified myself. Hi, my name's Paul Fisher. I'm a sober member of AA, blah, blah. The guy asked, well, when was this? And I gave him the estimated year. He said, hold on a minute. He put me in hold for 15, 20 minutes. He came back and he said, we can't find any record. I said, are you sure? I said I'm certain that I owe you this money. So he put me on hold again for 10 more minutes. Come to find out, he ended up going up to the attic and they had these little index cards where they maintained their records for the money that people owed them. And he came back on the phone the second time. He said, I don't believe you're making this call. Why are you doing this? This makes nobody has ever done this. Why are YOU doing this?! I reiterated to him, I'm a sober alcoholic today in AA and if I don' t make this amend, I'm not gonna stay sober. And then he asked me, well, how much money would you like? Well, how do you want to handle it? I said, well I can afford to send you X amount of dollars a month. Would that be, that'll be fine with us. That'd be great. It happened as a result of going to them in a humble and forgiving spirit as the authors have instructed us to do in this chapter. Not one time in the entire time I've been sober Have I heard an unreasonable request, providing that my motives were clear and pure and that I approached them in a humble, forgiving spirit? Okay. Let's turn to page 82. Page 82, paragraph 2. Page 82. Paragraph 2. Line 2. Second line in that paragraph. Sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Without any exception, every single person I have known in the rooms of AA who have gotten sober and who have drank again. And I've known people who have come into these rooms, went through the steps pray every day work with newcomers, go down to Lark, do H&I work etc. etc. and they drink again. And without exception they all have one thing in common and it has nothing to do with they stop going to meetings. Because I've seen a lot of people through the years drink again who go to meetings on a regular basis. What they had in common was they did not finish their amends. See, an ironic thing happens to me in these rooms. I start to develop a thing called a conscience. My threshold for pain today is lower than it was when I was new. What I mean by that is I can't tolerate the guilt and the shame and regret with dishonesty today like I used to be able to. I can't get away with the things that I couldn't get way with before, and today it's even worse. So I've developed a conscience. Now if I'm a real alcoholic and I'm engaged in dishonest conduct and I haven't completed all my amends, I'm probably going to drink again. Why? Because I'm not drunk. Because I don't drink because I'm a real alcoholic. I can only stand the pain for so long. I'm going to have to medicate it. top of page 83 paragraph 1 page 83 yes there is a long period of reconstruction ahead we must take the lead notice it doesn't say we kick back and wait for the person to come to us we take the league so if there's somebody that you've committed a harm towards here in the valley make contact you take the leave That's what I must do. I must take the lead. I've heard many times, well, I think I'll just make that amend on the phone. My question is, did you commit the harm over the phone? Did you commit the harm in person? That may mean I may need to get on that plane and go back to Philadelphia, to Chicago, to L.A., to make that amendment. Earlier in this chapter we heard about gaining consent, and that's what I was taught to do. So when I need to make an amend and I see you at the meeting, I'm not going to go up to you and say, come here, come her, come here, I have an amend I need you to make. No, I'm going to gain your consent. That means I'm gonna go to you, and I'm gonna let you know there's an amend I'd like to make, are you open to hearing it? The person may say no. I've had that experience. I've heard the person say, no, I am not open to hearing it. Does that mean I need to go back and make the amend at a later time? No, because I made the effort, providing that I feel genuinely sorry for what I've done. So I'm going to ask for their consent. Then I'm gonna ask them, if they say yes or open to hearing it, I'm gunna ask them one of three questions. If I'm speaking to the person on the phone, because that's the only way I can reach them, I'm guing to leave a message. And this is what I did this particular, on this one particular incident I called the person up and I had wounded this woman deeply not once but several times I had betrayed her so I sensed that she probably wasn't too willing to hear from me anytime soon so what I did was I waited for the dust to settle that's why it's important to have a sponsor who's had experience with making these mends there are times that we can go back and make amends prematurely too soon that's what I said that's how I need spiritual guidance So what I did was I left a message on her voicemail. I let her know what I was about to do. I had an amend I'd like to make, I'd liked to know if she was open to it, and then I asked her these three questions. Would you rather hear it over the phone? Would you like to receive it in writing? Or would you prefer to meet in person? She called back, left a text message, left a note, left me a message in my voicemile, thanked me for the amend, thanked me from the growth that I was experiencing, Instead, I would prefer to receive it in writing. And that's what I did, and it's a done deal. So keep that in mind. We're there to gain consent first. We're not there to demand anything. Page 83, paragraph 2. Page 83. Paragraph 2. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. I'm living this program. I'm not doing it. I'm not working the steps anymore Consider living The steps in your life Rather than trying to work them Next paragraph on the same page There may be some wrongs We can never fully write We don't worry about them If we can honestly say to ourselves That we would write them if we could Some people cannot be seen We send them an honest letter And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases, but we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people, we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before anyone. There are some people we can't contact. What I do is I have this little file at home with a little card in there with the person's name and the harm. And in the event that that person presents themselves, then I'm willing to make that amend. Next paragraph. These are the ninth step promises. These are not the 12 promises. Some alcoholic came up with that idea. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, what phase? The phase of making amends. check this out we will be amazed before we're halfway through so we're going to be amazed before we are halfway through making our amends they're not saying before were halfway through the steps in other words I'm not going to experience these promises when I'm at step 6 look at where this paragraph is it's contained within the 9th step of the book and here are the promises this is what you will experience before you're halfway through if you're willing to go to any link to be free from alcoholism. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Wow. New, not freedom, new freedom. Freedom like you've never experienced before. Happiness, not happiness, new happiness! We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We'll intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. So in order for me to experience these promises, I have to be willing to take the action. the guys that i sponsor absolutely amaze me absolutely amazes me that is one of the gifts in having gone through the steps and sponsoring other people and watching the gift of sobriety and god's grace and the freedom when we take these actions The experience that comes to mind is that I sponsor a guy who has harmed black people. So I meet him in a coffee shop, and we're going over his nine-step list. And there happens to be a black guy sitting in the restaurant. And I asked the guy, are you willing to go to any length to have a spiritual experience? He said, yeah. I said, come on, let's go. I said, where are we going? So we go over and we sit down with this black gentleman. We introduce ourselves. We explain to him what this person is about to do. The guy's sitting there with his elderly grandmother. We sit down, and the guy goes through the spiel, you know. He identifies his name, lets him know that he's a sober member of AA and that he has harmed a lot of black people through the years. And then he says, I was wrong. And that he was truly sorry. And then he asks, what can I do to write this? In the meantime, his grandmother has a smile from ear to ear. So here are four people having a spiritual experience. Not one, but all four of us. He got to the part of the event where he asked, what can i do to write this and the guy responded with, what God has already forgiven you and I've forgiven you what a wonderful experience chances are that that gentleman never heard an amend from a white guy before in that manner it was a healing experience and he walked away a free man and I walked away free man and I walk away with some gratitude and my cup was full because I got to sit and witness the miracle of making amends and I'm here to tell you from personal experience you will have those kinds of experiences if you're willing to go to any length the question is how free do you want to be I'd like to show you how not to make an amend and show you how to properly make an amend first I'd like to share with you as instructed in the book these are the things we are going to say when we make amends The thing I love about this chapter is that the authors tell us what to say, what not to say when to do it, when not to do it. So you see, when I make amends, first thing I'm going to do is I'm gonna gain consent. I'm going to ask the person if they're open to hearing it. Depending on the circumstances, I will ask how they would like to hear it in person, on the phone, in writing. If it's right there in person I'm going to ask if they are open to hearing it now. The first thing I'm going to share with them is the wrong, what I did. Then I'm going to say I was wrong. It's okay to say, I'm sorry. It' s not okay for me to simply say, I'm Sorry. An apology is not an amend. An amend is an attempt to right the wrong. That means I'm gong to ask a question and the question is, is there anything I can do to write this with you. Okay, now I'm going to show you how not to make an amend. Let's say my friend Jeffrey here, let's say I called him a name. Let's see. Let's just say I called Him an asshole. I know some of you may have a different perspective on this one. okay here's how not to make it hey jeff come here i got him in i need to make you hey i'm really sorry the other day i called you an asshole but you know i was having a really difficult time you know at this time in my life you know I'm in therapy right now and I'm working on my family of origin all these mother issues and all these father issues are coming up you know and I just wasn't myself you know. I didn't get enough sleep the other night because I had to work really late you know and i had to take my cat to the veterinarian you know And, man, I was really upset about that. And, you know, I'm just really sorry for doing that. A couple of things, a couple of guidelines to consider. Number one, we do not offer reasons for our conduct. We do not author explanations or excuses for it. We do no share our feelings. That is not the purpose of making amends. Here is the proper way of making an amend. Jeffrey, I have an amend I'd like to make to you. Are you open to hearing it? Yes, I am. The other day I called you an asshole and I'm truly sorry. I was wrong for doing that. You don't deserve to be talked to in that way and I would like to know if there's anything I can do to right that with you. Just don't do it again. I'm willing to do that so he says please don't do it again that means I have to be willing to follow through once again not one time in the entire 20 years I've been sober have I heard an unreasonable request when I followed the outline as instructed in this book when I make that amend I'm not going to shift into another dialogue with him and say something like by the way I have some feelings I need to share with you about what you said to me the other night. No, if I have something like that to deal with, I'm going to do it another time, but I'm not going to do it then. This is what I like to call the freedom step because that's what step nine does. It frees me up. It freES me up to be able to walk down the street with my head up high with some dignity and some integrity because I'm free. These things can no longer block me from God. Now, Now, the thing I've discovered about amends is that I don't like making them. I still do not like making them. You don't have to like it. That's why I'm a lot more careful today when I speak to people. Not because I'm an ice guy. Because I don' t want to make amends later. Now, this is what I was taught to do. You can take it or leave it. what I do is I go out and I get myself some 3x5 index cards or you can get a small pocket tablet like this one I go back to my inventory and each person gets one card so if I've harmed John three different ways John doesn't get three cards John gets one cart I put the person's name on it and then I list the harm specifically listing the harm. My amends work is no longer guesswork. I don't have to sit there and try to remember, let's see, did I make that amend? Do I owe that person an amend? See, it's all in writing. I makethat amend, I throw that card away. I'm done with that amend. Another thing I like to do after doing my inventories, I liketo sit down and go through my Rolodex at home or my address book because I will find that I have harmed people along the way that did not show up in my inventory and add them to the list. Why do I do this? Because I want to be free. I don't want to get blocked anymore. See, if I'm blocked, I'm not going to stay sober. That's the bottom line. If I'm locked, I am not going to stay spiritually fit and I'm not going to be able to be of maximum service to God in you. that's the reason I continue making amends so what I'm encouraging you to do this week is to start making your amends remember we don't have to make all the amends at one time we don'T wait until we're done with all our amends and then move on to step 10 we start making our amens we immediately move into step 10 next week we'll be covering steps 10, 11 and 12 what I'd like to do with the time remaining today is to set the groundwork for doing the 11-step exercise. You have three handouts. The first one is called the AA4 Standards and the Oxford Group 4 Absolutes. Go ahead and pull that one out. Keep in mind that a good portion of what we have in our big book and the principles that we have today were taken from the Oxford group, which the early AA members participated. That's where AA got its start was in the Oxford Group, and then eventually the AA members left the Oxford Grup and started their own organization, later to be known as Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is what they discovered. See, in the big book we have what are called the four standards. At the bottom of the page these are listed on page 67 and page 84. The opposite of those are called the four absolutes which the early A members obtained from the Oxford group. They are honesty, purity, unselfish, and love. In other words, the opposite of selfish is unselflish. The opposite to dishonesty is honesty. The opposite of resentment is purity, and the opposite of fear is love. Now, the guidance I receive in meditation that is selfish, dishonest, resentful, or fearful is clearly guidance that came from me. Guidance that I receive In meditation which is unselfish, honest, pure, and loving, I can be assured, came from God. And I'm going to walk you through a process that they used early on in AA. first i'd like to talk just briefly about meditation we will talk more about this next week keep in mind what the authors are saying in step 11 step 11 does not say sought through prayer to improve our conscious contact says sought through prayer and meditation consider that meditation is simply listening the thing i've discovered about meditation is that you cannot do it wrong and you do not need to do it right What works for one person may not work for another. You need to find a way that works for you. What's most important is that you're willing to try it and that you'RE willing to attempt listening. See, here's what prayer without meditation is like. Let's say my friend Rusty here calls me up and invites me to a party to his house. I say, great, I'll be right over. Now hang up before I get directions on how to get there. I'm not going to know which way to go. That's what prayer without meditation is like. I've had that experience in these rooms, not meditating and only praying. Now, my understanding of a relationship is that it involves two-way communication. That means there's talking and there's listening. So if there's talk and no listening, is that a relationship? No. So you see, I can't really have a relationship with God if all I'm doing is praying. i did that yeah just thank god in the morning you know or ask him to keep me sober at night thanking for keeping me sober that's not a relationship in order for me to have a relationship with my friend diane here it's necessary that i talk and then i listen that's called two-way communication so you see if i'm not practicing meditation in addition to the prayer a couple of things are not going to happen number one I'm not going to improve my relationship nor am I going to receive the knowledge of his will nor am i going to receive the power to carry it out so see if all i'm doing is praying i'm still operating on self-will i make it sound like i'm living a spiritual way of life but i'm really not okay there's one called meditation please pull out that handout the top of it is entitled meditation meditation if i am not receiving thoughts when i listen the fault is not god's usually it is because there is something i will not do these are typically some of the reasons we are blocked when we during meditation and we're not hearing guidance keep in mind that guidance can become in the form of intuitive thought. Here's one. Something wrong in my life that I will not face and make right. Maybe there's something I'm not willing to face. A habit or indulgence I will not give up. I'm giving that thing up. It may block me. A person I can't forgive them look what they did to me. They caused me more harm than I caused them. Guaranteed to block you. A wrong relationship in my life, I will not give up. Yeah, but it's my responsibility to take care of that daughter or that son of mine. To an extent. I can't leave her. I love her too much. Can't leave him. I love him. He needs me. a restitution I will not make I'm not paying that money back I don't need to something God has already told me to do that I will not obey here's a common experience I've had numerous times I take something to meditation and I don' t like the guidance I receive so I do one of two things I go out and I do some poll taking and I start asking for other people's feedback along the way, eventually I'm going to find somebody to endorse what I want to do the other response I have is I think I need to meditate on that some more I've already received the guidance I just don't want to be a part of it I don't know how to do it for example, on this restitution I will not make I refuse to make that restitution, and I justify why I'm not making that amend. For example, I remember in early sobriety, there was this stereo I wanted to buy. I needed to buy this kick-ass stereo for my apartment. And I had not made some major financial amends. And that's when my sponsor pointed it out to me. Is that your money you're spending? Oh yeah, that's my money. I earned it. Really? Don't you owe those people X amount of dollars? Well, yeah. Then you know whose money you're spending? Theirs? Yes, I was spending their money. It was their money, not mine. It took a while for that one to register. Okay, these are some of the things that can block you in meditation. Okay, basically this is what the early aid members did. Be aware that in the 40s, the early AA members, especially in the Cleveland and Akron area, did what they called daily written meditation. They did it daily. They prayed and they meditated. After meditating, they pulled out pencil and paper and wrote down all the guidance that they received. No editing. Write it all down. and then they took those thoughts, that guidance, and they tested it against the four absolutes. See, if it's honest, pure, loving, and unselfish, I can be assured that it came from God, keeping in mind that not everything I hear in meditation comes from God. So what this process will do for you is it will clearly identify the origin of your guidance. So they would take the four absolutes and test it against the guidance. This way they could be assured which guidance came from God and which came from them. Here are some examples on this piece of paper, on this handout. Let's assume that this is the guidance you received in your meditation. Give them a piece of my mind. Is that honest, pure, loving, and unselfish? No, that came from me. Next one, be patient with others today. Is that honest, pure, loving, and unselfish? Yes. That came from God. I need to avoid that person today. Is that honest, peer-loving, and unselflish? No. Be kind to others today. Is that honest, peer- loving, and unselfdish? Yes. That came from God Accept others as they are. Is that honest, peer- loving, and unselfISH? Yes. So here we can be assured which guidance came from me and which came from God. This is what I'm asking you to do. I'm asking you to do it just for one week. Try it for one week. Meditate after you pray. That means, listen. All the guidance that comes to you, write it down on paper. Test the guidance against the four absolutes. Come back next week and though I understand this is a private matter personal to you in your two-way communication with God I'm going to ask that you come back next week and be willing to share with us the guidance that you received from God, not the guidance you receive from you. So what you do is you test it against the four absolutes, cross off the guidance that came from you. The purpose of doing this is to show you that God does exist and that he does communicate to us during meditation. Those of you that are willing to complete this exercise will be a great example to those in this room that are still doubtful that God communicates to us through meditation. there are a lot of books out there that you can read on meditation there's one book I would recommend that you get for meditation and it's a book that has the word meditation in it if it says meditation, get it if you don't have information on meditation it's information that you don' t have there's no right way there's not wrong way to do this you have to find a way that works for you what I did in the beginning was I used the serenity prayer for a period of time, I used the 12 steps, in other words I would recite all 12 steps in my head so I could get quiet, you can try using breathing exercises or simply focusing on your breathing go through a process where you're relaxing the entire body you know, you're starting at the top of your head and you're telling yourself, okay I'm going to relax my head my neck, my shoulders, my chest my stomach, etc, etc whatever works for you personally I like to have a quiet place when I do my meditation I go a place where there's no phones and there's not a lot of people and there is no TV and there isn't anyone knocking on the door and I go through my prayers and I try to become quiet in the beginning it was real difficult there was a lotof chatter going on in my head the worst thing we can do during meditation is trying to stop it let it happen don't try to control the chatter in your head a couple things I'm asking you to do this week begin making your amends practice the daily written meditation next week we'll be covering steps 10, 11, 12 and I would recommend that you read starting with the second paragraph on page 84 up to page 103. That's the second paragraph on page 84 up to page 103 in preparation for next week. I'd like to congratulate all of you. I'd also like to welcome you to the fellowship of the spirit and welcome you to being rocketed into the fourth dimension thank you for letting me be of service and would you please help me close with the lord's prayer applause