The Difference Between AA Activities and Real Spiritual Action in Steps 10, 11, and 12 – Robbie S.

make sure this is on I think we're good you might want to check it hi guys I'm Robbie I'm an alcoholic recovered alcoholic and I thank Annie for opening that up and keeping it real simple for us and it's an honor to share this event with Annie and with all of you guys and with Chris and the team here so I do want to start with thanking you guys I know it takes a lot to start a new meeting and find a church and get through all that and you know get people out here and you obviously did an awesome job and got a lot of people out here tonight and so I'm excited about this new meeting I know it's whenever there's a new meeting Alcoholics Anonymous it's exciting but definitely a little pocket of enthusiasm here which is awesome and I don't know what else we're going to talk about I guess we'll wing it I wish I could get five minutes and sit down let you guys talk you guys are stuck with me for an hour so we'll see how this goes I always say I don't know what we're going to talk about we talk about the same thing every time but try to leave it to the sphere of the universe and God and to the universe so I think thatleyan I should say another thing about alcohol is just is it is it related to you know like being a resource of this moment a reform in your life so just letting that Dat Lei know I feel good We're definitely going to talk a little bit about the malady, the spiritual malady that we call alcoholism. And talk a little bit about how that showed up in my life. In fact, we'll probably talk about how it shows up in my life today. And we'll talk about how these steps show up in my life today. And hopefully I can bring you a message of hope. I do believe that every meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous is just meant to spread a little bit of hope. That's what we're all doing here. We're either here to find some hope or we're here to share a little bit of hope. And so I'm so grateful that Alcoholics Anonymous was here when I came in. And somebody took the podium and shared some hope with me. And sometimes I think that we don't see how big that is. You know, when we show up in service in AA, we show up in any way at all. There's all kinds, you know, it's funny. We come in here. And. And we're broken. And then we try to kind of work ourselves up through the ladder in AA to be a service member. And make coffee. And clean out ashtrays. And help people park their cars. And that's like the highest level of service you can get to in AA. Is maybe make some coffee. You know. Show up at some business meetings. And move chairs and tables around. And thank God for it. You know, if we had some hierarchy thing. It's so funny. It's. It's funny how we operate. It's like when I'm out there. First of all, I'm drinking. I'm making up some kind of story that I can drink more than you. And I could drink you under the table any day. Then the alcoholism gets so bad. And I'm suffering from this alcoholism. And then I start lying. I tell you, I don't drink that much. I really can't drink that much. I just drink a little bit. And then the game is when we get here. Then we start talking about we drank more than we really did. Because that makes us sound better. You know. I drank way more than you. My sponsor could beat up your sponsor. And I meditate. How long do you meditate? 20 minutes? Me? 25. You'll get there. And it's so funny. It's just like we have all this ego that comes into play. And at the end of the day, it's about two alcoholics at a kitchen table. Big book open. You know what I mean? That's what it's all about. And I'll come out here and do things like this. Because I owe Alcoholics Anonymous a debt. But. I get chills. I don't know why every time even comes to my thought. A debt that I could never repay Alcoholics Anonymous. What I owe you guys is so far beyond driving a couple hours to come out here and talk to you guys. It's just. You know. I wake up every day. And I know that there's a debt to Alcoholics Anonymous that I need to get back today in any way that I can. And if that's from here. From a podium. Talking to you guys. So be it. But on a good day, it's a kitchen table with a new girl. You know. That's where I love to be. And that's what AA is. But it's the love that we share in this room too. It's that energy that we all have. It's the energy that we give to each other. We come into AA and we're broken. And we're lost. And we feel hopeless. And that state of hopelessness of mind and body and spirit. And that's why we talk about being a recovered alcoholic. Because today I've recovered from that state. Today. Today I've recovered from that state. I was removed from alcohol on January 7th, 1997. And for that I'm forever grateful. Like I said. I was still in a hopeless state of mind and body. For a very long time. Just removed the alcohol. That's it. And today I know that it's not about just removing the alcohol. Today I understand that this is not about making meetings. It's not about holding on to my chair until midnight. It's not about just not drinking and come back tomorrow. It's certainly not about faking it. I don't know if you're new. And I don't know who's new here. But if you're new and somebody tells you it's okay to just fake it. Just run away from them. You could run away screaming. Like, ah, I gotta go. But run for the hills. They told me to fake it when I tell I make it. When I first came into it. Would have killed me if I didn't tell somebody the truth finally. Would have killed me. I've seen people die. I've buried friends that I love to death. That wanted this bad enough. We talk about, well, they don't want it bad enough. That's a bunch of BS too. And I don't want to get on a soapbox about that. But I've buried friends that wanted this badly. Wanted this so bad they died over it. I've buried friends that wanted this so bad they took their lives. Because of the insanity of wanting to get sober so badly. And the insanity of the obsession. And the insanity of the obsession. That comes in. And the physical allergy. And they can't stay away from it. And they're at that jumping off point where you can't see your life with or without it. And they want it so badly they can't stand it. And they take their own lives. That's what this disease does. And so we come in here and it's not about pretending like I got this. It's about being transparent and telling somebody the truth. It's about getting hooked up with the sponsor. Somebody that you can tell the truth to. And that's my experience. And when I first came in. I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like when I first came in. I was. Well no I won't tell you my age. Then you can figure out how old I am now. But I was young. And I was a seventh grade dropout. I had children I didn't have custody of anymore. I had parents and family that wouldn't speak to me. I had jaundice. I had failure of the liver. I was yellow. I was 89 pounds. I was the doctor in detox said a couple Advils would probably take me out. I was done. It was my last stop. You know. And I come to. And I've tried everything I can to fill that hole. That malady that we talk about. The hole in the soul that we talk about in AA. It's something that we can all relate to. If we're transparent and honest with ourselves long enough we can see that the truth is that in the sanity of it we don't know why we did it. The truth is we just did it. We're just alcoholics. And I put alcohol in my body no matter what under any and all conditions. That's what I do. I don't have a reason or excuse for I just do it. And I. And I can't not do it on my own. I can't not stop. I can't. I want to with everything in me every fiber in me. I want to just not do it anymore. I have to come in here and I have to do a lot of work to just not do what I so desperately already don't want to do. I want to do it. But I do. I would I would I would show up in my mom's house one time. My mom lived out in Washington State Idaho Washington border. And I hitchhiked out there. Well actually I'm not sure. I came to in a bathroom in Trucksville. I came to a rest stop in Montana. So how I got to Montana. I'm not sure. But I had to take the rest away from Montana. I came to an arrest up in Montana because I don't know about you but I just came to in funny places often and from a very young age. And I just figure it out from there and try to figure out if I had any kind of rhyme or reason. So I come to in this rest stop in Montana and I'm not real sure what I'm doing there. So I asked them the guy and he says I don't know you've been in the bathroom a long time. I don't know you're in there. I don't know if you have any wallet or anything with me and any bag or anything. So I figure well Montana is close to Washington. That's where my mom lives. I'm probably going there. So I head in that direction. And so I finally get out to her house and I am beat down to the ground. This spiritual malady I know nothing about. I certainly don't plan on showing up at my mom's doorstep and saying hey listen ma here's the thing. I have this spiritual malady. It's killing me. We got to find a spiritual solution for this ma. And that's not my game plan. I don't know anything about a spiritual malady. I just know I am I'm a mess. I am just not right. I have just not been right for a very long time. I don't know what normal looks like. I don't know what being right looks like. I don't know what comfortable looks like. I don't know anything about it from as long as I can remember. I just don't feel quite right. I just can't fit in with you. I'm just not as pretty as the pretty girls and I'm not as smart as the smart ones. And I'm just don't fit in anyway. And I have to find something to mask that. Because God forbid I'm not going to walk around saying well I just act a little funny because I feel a little uncomfortable inside. You know no I walk around saying screw off. F you. And that's that spiritual malady that's masked with anger and ego and all this stuff. So I'll find anything to fill that void. Right. So from a very young age I would find attention. Enough attention would fill the void. I don't know if any of you can relate to that. But even in third grade if I could just get enough attention to me. If everybody would just look at me I'd feel okay. And then I would need attention from the opposite sex. That would make me feel better. And it comes to find out that there's not enough attention from the opposite sex to make me feel better. But I would do a hell of a time trying to find enough attention from you. And it could be. And it could be sex or shoes or whatever it could be. A fork. It doesn't matter. I just need to feel something from the outside. And that's the definition of a spiritual malady. Trying to find something outside of me to fix what's wrong inside of me. Today I know that that is not my solution. Today I am clear in the fact that nothing outside of me has to change in order for me to be okay. Nothing has to change for me to be okay. Nobody has to change in order for me to be okay. It doesn't matter what it is. If it's financial insecurities I don't need finances to make me okay. Nothing has to change in the outside. I need to have a reliance upon the spirit of the universe. I need to do some footwork to change that. But nobody else has to change. If it's resentments towards other people they don't have to change. Bless them. Change me. It's about. You don't have to change in order for me to not have a resentment towards you. Something in my spirit has to change. That's why we stay in this 10, 11 and 12. And we'll get there. I jumped ahead. But it's staying in that spirit of self reflection that we do in 10 and 11. And helping other people. Turning away from me and into you in 12. That keeps me walking on that beam. And the beam is love. That's all it is. We're just trying to stay in this beam. It's transferring energy of love to one another. Which is what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. We look at it like that or not. That's all we're doing. Helping each other out. Holding each other's hands. We're just trying to figure this out together. We may have sponsors and sponsees and stuff like that. Because we need somebody to be accountable to. We need somebody to be spiritually accountable to. I need somebody to hold my feet to the fire. And I need to hold my own feet to the fire. And I need somebody that can look at my inventory and tell me the truth. And all that's good. And we need to have that. And I'm going to stop. But no reliance upon human aid. It's about relying upon the spirit of the universe. And the big book tells us that a full reliance upon the spirit of the universe will solve all of your problems. That means all of them. That means every problem I have can be solved by relying upon the spirit of the universe. That means that when I think that I can control it and manage it and figure it all out, that's when I'm screwed. When I let it go, whatever. Just whatever. Just show me. Direct me. God, shine the light. Show me the way. My path is usually just lit up by you. I help others shine their light and that lights my path. And that today I know is the truth. I know that my truth and my solution is a God that lives deep down inside of me. And there's nothing I can put into my body or into this ego or anything else that's going to fix what's wrong. There's just nothing that can do it. I can only... Meetings won't do it. And we love our meetings. And meetings are great. And this is great. And I love meetings, alcoholics and all of this. I love all AA. I was never real snobby when I was out there. So I'm not real snobby in here. I will go to meetings at the mission. I'll go to meetings in clubhouses all over the country. And I'll go to fancy meetings. It doesn't matter. I love all of AA. I just love you guys. I love going to meetings. It's not going to cure my alcoholism. It's not going to do a thing for my alcoholism. I have a spiritual malady. I have a spiritual malady in which only a spiritual solution can fix. That's it. But I come here so I can find new people to work with. I come here so that we can share experiences together. I come here so we can hook up in unity. I just can't use meetings to treat my alcoholism. Only God can treat my alcoholism. That's why Fool Reliance Upon God is what the book tells us to do. The book tells us that self-centeredness is what's going to kill us. It doesn't tell us lack of meetings. It doesn't tell us that we have to go to more social meetings. We have to go to more golf ball games or more AA bowling events. All good stuff. I go to all of them. I like to plan them. We have a good time. We have barbecues and poolbecues and we're dancing and we're having a good time in AA. It's not going to treat my alcoholism. That I have to do with God and with these 12 steps. I have to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. So there are steps I have to do that are required in order for me to have a spiritual awakening. For me to walk in the Son of the Holy Spirit and show up today and be able to hook up with you. I have to treat my alcoholism with God. I'm grateful that somebody told me that one day. I'll go back because this is what I do. I start a story and then I jump ahead because I get on this tangent about it. I'll go back and tell you that I hitchhiked to my mom's house in Washington. I always do that. Afterwards I always get that, well what happened with your mom's house? Why do we care if you went to Montana? I forget to finish my stories. I'm passionate about the solution part. I hitchhiked from Montana to my mom's house and I get there. I know that what I'm going to tell her is this time I'll do anything. I'll do anything mom. Listen, here's the deal. I get it. I am done. I am done. I will do anything you tell me to do. I will never drink again. I am imagining it when I walk up there. I'm going to get there and I'm going to tell her mom I'll do anything to not drink again. I promise. Tell me where to go, what to do, what to say. I'll go to one of those places you told me about. It doesn't matter. I'll do anything to not drink anymore. Then she'll give me a sandwich and a shower and a warm bed. She'll tell me I can go ahead and sleep it off and get some rest. In the morning we'll go to one of those places and she'll help me out and we'll get this done. I mean it. I mean it with all my heart because this time I'm going to tell my mom with all my heart about how I'm never going to drink again because if you hooked me up to a lie detector test I would have passed with flying colors because I meant it. The big book talks about moral convictions galore. I have moral convictions galore. I want to be a good sister. I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. I had a husband and two children and they said to me one day either you stop the drinking or you got to go. You can't do this to this family anymore. I looked at my husband and I said can I borrow the car please. I clearly got to go. I lost choice in a drink. I lost the power to have choice in drink. That's a spot that we get to as alcoholics. That's where it took me but we share that same kind of spot. Then we get to a place of surrender. I get to a place of whatever. It's not a bowing down. It's a throw my hands up in the air and I surrender. My alcoholism takes me to this place of can I just borrow the car because I got to go. I want to go back. I would just go trying to find myself whatever that means. That just means that I've lost choice in drink. Then I come in here and what I have to do I have to tap into some power. I have to tap into some power because I've lost the choice in that, in drink. I better tap into something now that can get me through that. I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I was almost going to forget again. I get to my mom's house. I'm walking up the yard. I can envision being safe and protected. All I've ever wanted was to feel safe and protected. I get there and I see my mom. She's doing dishes in the window. There's windows on the whole house. It's up on this mountain. It's like a six mile dirt road up to her house. I walk up this dirt road and I get up there. She's doing dishes and she sees me. I walk into the front door and I see her leave the window to go down to the door. She gets down to the door and she locked it. She would go throughout the house locking every door and window in the house. I'm outside like a maniac just knocking and banging on windows. This mom, if you let me in I promise I'll quit this time. I walk back to town. I find a bar. I dope fiend myself into a couple drinks. I drink a little bit. I use the phone. I call the house. My sister answers. I said, just let me in the back door. Just sneak me in. Get me a sandwich or something. My sister said, now, mom says when you're in town nobody's safe. She said, well, you should be scared because you've showed up again. And she hangs up. That's where my alcoholism takes me. Not my bottom. It has nothing to do with my bottom but that's where it takes me. And I would go on from there with no use for other people. And so my point to that is, I'm not a drunk. I'm a woman. I have the conviction to do it. I just can't pull it off. I just can't do it. I just cannot pull that off on my own. I'll skip ahead. I would come to, December 6, 1997 I would come to. And I would typically come to do whatever I have to do to get well. And I would come to in this particular morning. And this is how I know that me getting sober has nothing to do with me. There is some kind of grand plan for all of us. By the grace of God that we sit here tonight, none of us should be here. So it's my turn to yap away, but none of you guys should be here either. It's a grace of God that we get to sit here tonight. We should all be out robbing somebody or in jail, something. We'd be lucky to be alive. And by the grace of God, I come to in this particular morning, never having any relationship with the higher power, knowing nothing about a God, not ever talking to a God before, never been into a church, never prayed in my life. I come to in this particular morning, and I'm sick. I'm shaking. Convulsions are starting. Seizures will start next. I know the drill. I'm naked. I'm beat up a little bit. I don't know what to do. I come to, and I get on my knees, and I say, God, please don't let me die like this. God, please don't let me die. I just don't want to die. Just don't let me die. Just help me. I know nothing about that. It didn't come from me. That just came from this place. It was God's grace. And I would call. I would use the... I would find a phone, and I would call the 411 to the operator. Chris says they sell 411 every time I ask him. But I would call the operator, and I would ask for help. And the operator would say, we just give phone numbers here. We don't really help people like that. And I would tell her, I don't know anybody. I don't have any friends. I don't know anyone. I said, I just know I'm dying. And I just know I need help. And she got me to a hospital, and their detox nurse got me out. She found out where I was. And she was an Alcoholics Anonymous. And she showed up outside of her work duties, showed up and found me, and wrapped me up in a sheet, and took me into a detox. And for the grace of God, from that day to this one, I haven't had to put a drink in my body since. And that's the miracle of it. But the true miracle of it is that I can live free from that, that I can live with freedom from all that. The miracle of it is not that I haven't put a drink in my body in 16 1⁄2 years. The miracle of it is that I'm not fighting a drink. The miracle of it is that I can live with joy today, that it's about how free I can be today. The miracle is that a drink doesn't look, much more than ketchup to me today. The problem's been removed. I don't have to swear off of it like the book tells me. It's just the problem has been removed. As a result of doing the work that's required to get there, and then continuing that work in 10, 11, and 12. So I had a woman one time that told me the truth about that. She told me the truth, and she had the courage to tell me the truth. And that's why I honor you guys when you have the courage to tell somebody the truth, when you answer your phone. When you answer your phone for the newcomer. When you show up in the truth. And that's what it's about today. It's about me being able to just be transparent and vulnerable in front of another human being, and allow her to have permission to just tell me the truth. And this woman, I didn't give her permission. She just told me the truth. So if you do that, that's okay too. She told me to shut up. She said, we're sick and tired of you coming to these meetings and whining all the time. For God's sake, just shut up. And I told her she wasn't allowed to say that. It was not allowed in AA. I've been in AA for almost two years, and you're not allowed to tell people to shut up. And you have to let me come, and you have to let me have the coffee, and somebody has to let me sleep on their couch. Because that's the way it's been working for a couple years, and it's working so far. So tell me to shut up if you want, but you're in AA, so you can let me sleep on your couch. And she said, that's not how it works anymore. She said, we're sick of you sleeping on our couches, and we're sick of you. We're sick of you borrowing money, and whining, and crying, complaining. And she said, just shut up. She said, we can't help you get your kids back. She said, why don't you tell the truth for once? Nobody took your kids away. You sold your soul for a drink of alcohol. You sold your soul for the next drink. You gladly gave up your kids for a drink. She said, you gave up your family for a drink. You gave up your dignity. You compromised all your morals for a drink. And I was as far removed as I'm ever going to be from alcohol. And I was still compromising my morals from untreated alcoholism. I don't know anything about how to fix this hole that's inside of me. I still feel uncomfortable. I'm still out of my skin all the time. I'm still so uncomfortable where I'm at. And I said, I'm not going to let you go. And I want to kill you or myself at any given moment for two years. I'm sitting inside of AA and I want to kill somebody or myself. I'm not sure which. I'm at the jumping off point sober. And I think that there's no excuses left for me. The talk in my head is you don't even drink anymore and you're a mess. They told me when I came in, just stick with the winners. You'll be fine. None of you guys wear name tags. I would appreciate it. Maybe at this meeting we could start wearing them. But at the time, no. And still a little bit, my pickers kind of broke. I don't know if you guys relate to that. But I didn't really come in with my picker all perfect. If I could pick the winners, I probably wouldn't have been homeless in that situation. So I don't know who the winners are. So they tell me they're in service. Just hang out in service commitments. The winners hang out in service in AA. So I got into service. They told me that's what to do. And I hung out with the winners. And I was a winner because I didn't drink. It's not true. I was sleeping with the guy who was the head of the service committee. And his wife was over there. And she was always starting drama with me. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. I don't drink. I got a six-month ship. I'm good. And I'm a winner today. So are you. We're all good. I'm as far removed from a drink as I'm ever going to be. And I'm out of my mind. Causing harm, causing chaos, causing wreckage and sobriety. Out of my mind. No excuse for it anymore. Because I didn't understand about the spiritual malady. And the spiritual solution. I just thought I went to a lot of meetings. And hung out in service. Today I know that's not the truth. Today I know that the winners are the ones that show up with a car full of new guys. A car full of new girls. The winners are the ones that quietly are doing step work on a Friday night that we don't even know about. The ones that I surround my space with today are the ones that just feel good to be in their space. The ones that just feel good to be their smile so pretty like Becky's. And I remember when I was a kid. When Becky's space wasn't so good to be in. And then she comes to light. And watching that. Watching. Being able to be in service is hands down the highlight of my life. Right? I'm always looking for that next thrill. That next thing. That next adrenaline rush. The next high. The next drink. And I come in here. And I'm broken. I'm lost. And I'm constantly searching for my home. And some place to feel comfortable. And I come in here. And I do some work that's required. And I have a spiritual awakening. And all of a sudden I'm in love with you guys. All of a sudden I'm home. All of a sudden I'm like, oh, I'm home here. I'm so good here. I want to spend Christmas with you guys. And sometimes I'm pushing it with you guys. But usually you let me come over. And Annie's letting me for Thanksgiving. But I come in here and I find my family. And I find my comfortable spot. And I find out where I'm okay. And I'm not lost anymore. Everything I ever looked for. See, on that morning in that hotel room in South Philly when I came to. And I asked God, please don't let me die. See, God was all I had left. I didn't have anything else. And an alcoholic like me, I just have to be left with nothing else to know that God's all I need. This is all I got. Better use them. And by the grace of God, it's God's grace that gets us here. And I come here. And I'm like, oh, I'm so good. And suddenly I find myself having these experiences one after the next. And they continue. The only way that I know. And I don't know anything except for in 16 years from that day of working through these steps until this one. I've never stopped helping new girls. My kids are. My daughter's with me. And she grew up with just a steady flow of new girls coming into heaven. Steady flow of new girls coming in the house and doing step work. That's what we do. And she can take over if I got to go do something. And, you know, this is how I know to keep giving it back is the only way that I get to have a new experience with it. I sit down and do a third step prayer with the new girl. I now have a new experience with the third step. I sit down and do a fifth step with the new girl. And I start to see that light come back in her eyes. I start to see her lighten up. I start to see a girl that came in just like me. See, because we're all the same in that way. We come in with the same brokenness and we have the same kind of hope. And I see her come in broken and thinking she's different than everybody else just like I did. And I start to see her be transparent and get vulnerable and get honest and do an honest fifth step and do the work that's required. It's hard work. But God doesn't make too hard of terms. It's not that hard. We just do it. It doesn't feel comfortable all the time. But we walk through that uncomfortability. And the other side of it is something far more greater than we could imagine. The book talks about when looking back in the times that I put my life into God's hands, far greater things happened than anything I could have planned. That's my truth. That's my experience. I will shortchange myself all day long. When I put my life in God's hands, I will be able to do that. I will put my life into God's hands. Far greater things happen than I could ever imagine. The big book tells me that and that is my experience. I shortchange myself. I remember I called my mom up and I said, Ma, I got a job. You want to believe it? I got a job. There's a cash register. They keep it locked but they let me near it. And they give me a paycheck on the books, you know. And I'm going to get one of those bank accounts in my name and a real driver's license. And I got a job and I'm so excited. And she said, I'm so happy for you, hon. What are you doing? I said, well, it's a Taco Bell and they let me cut the onions. And she said, okay. Well, I hope it gets better. But if that's as good as it ever gets for you, okay. And see, that's what I would have said when I first got sober. Just give me a job cutting onions and maybe not be physically sick anymore. This is what I want out of being sober. It's nothing to do with, I didn't know about what it would be like to be very, very sober. I didn't know what it would be like to be very, very sober. I didn't know what it would be like to be recovered, to be in recovery, not just sober. I didn't know anything about that. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't even, I didn't even imagine that I could live in a place of peace. The promises that are in the book that the book talks about these promises. It's kind of funny talking under Jesus. Can I just say that? I feel like he's looking at me. Um, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I don't care. It's kind of funny. I just couldn't help that because I don't know what's happening to me. I just don't want to live what's happening. This is how I feel. I'm all for it. Let me, I've lost it last night. Don't worry, ottoman. Next, build up, build up, build up. I've lost weight! 엄마 你先走啊 In media but back in the day it was essentially truth! And I feel like if, try again guys that you're hearing me ask you a question because I got it out of your concrete dawn.obe gospel. I get it. But hopefully the truth will come out of that. in the sunlight of the spirit, once you've entered into that dimension there, it's about for me today, I know that it's about the fact that I can lay my head on the pillow at night and just go to sleep for a screwball like me. That's a really big deal for me to not be running around in my head with all the regrets and all the, the trying to figure it all out. God knew what he was doing. He gets me into a program that says, you don't have to figure anything out. There's nothing to figure out. The big book says nowhere, figure it out or get somebody to help you figure it out. The big book says, it's all been figured out for you. Just trust God. Ask to, to, to, to walk in God's will. It tells us that that's all that we need to do. It's already been figured out. To be able to, to live in a place, in a space of, of kindness, to be able to feel your kindness, to be able to appreciate you, to be able to appreciate your love and what you bring to the table, to be able to honor you, to be able to live in a place of serenity. It says that you'll know, you'll know peace and, and serenity. It says it will be safe and protected. It was one I just didn't even believe, but you'll be safe and protected. I do anything in the world to feel safe and protected for a moment, to feel safe and protected against a choice and drink. Just feel safe and protected inside these rooms with telling you the truth, to feel safe and protected when I do a fist up, when I work and sit down with my sponsor and I tell them the truth about what's going on around this stuff. And I, and I'm safe there. To, to, to be given a life where I can provide that for other people and to, again, to see this, this, this, this light go on in the girl's eyes. When we sit down, we do a fist up and I see her broken. And she absolutely the highlight of my life, right? The big book says it's the shawnees part of her life. And that's absolutely my truth today. I see girls, a friend of mine just got married, a girl I've been sponsoring for years that was broken and, and, and just couldn't look you in the eye. And, and, and she was a scared and frightened little girl like I was. And another day she, she walked down the aisle and beautiful little princess getting married and, and the light is on. And, and, and those, those kind of joys, the book says it's an experience you must not miss to see people recover. It's an experience you must not miss. It's what keeps me going. It's what, it's everything that I have purpose for today. Today I show up in this life and I wake up in the morning and I have a purpose. For me, that's big enough. That's all I ever got out of this recovery thing. That's big enough to be able to show up today in life with purpose, with meeting, to have that joy of living back, to be able to be present and show up today and just be present. To, to, to watch my kids grow up or to sit there and listen to them tell me a story and be able to show up, be present right here, right now, the person in front of me being the most important person in my life because you're in front of me right now. And to be able to show up without all the noise in the head. Couple days after my, my first fifth step, that noise started to, to, to simmer down a little bit. And I, and I had this moment where my kids, the twins were little and they're playing in this ball pit at McDonald's and, and I was watching them play and I was laughing and I realized for the first time ever that I was present. That I was just there. That I was watching my kids play and I was feeling their joy and I was laughing because they were laughing. I was connecting with another human being and then I wasn't stuck with me. I was, I was actually showing up and being present today. That's the kind of miracle that it's all about. Nothing to do with how long I haven't drank. The fact that I can show up and be present today. It's a fact that sometimes for a little bit, I can get me off of me. I can get ego away from me long enough to care about you. I can. That's why the book says that self-centeredness is what's going to kill us. Doesn't say Jack Daniels or crack cocaine is going to kill us. It says self-centeredness is what's going to kill us because I will obsess about me all day long. Okay. And then I'll obsess about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what I should do about what you think about me. And then I'll obsess about what you should do with your own life and not worry about mine. And then I'll make a list of what that is. You should do with your life and and because if I'm not, if I'm not obsessing about me, if I'm not full of ego and self and I'm self-centered to the core. I'm self-centered. My sponsor says all the time. There Robbie goes. Self-centeredness like an Olympic sport. Just going to win the gold medal for self-centeredness. I will I will resort back to that with untreated alcoholism and a heartbeat. And I know that my only defense against it is doing this program that I know. I know that taking my inventory at night. I know working with another alcoholic. I know that prayer meditation God being the most important thing in my life showing up to be in service fitting myself into service is the best shot. I got but it's not a sure bet. It's my best shot. I got but I'll go back to the self-centeredness and heartbeat. I can go back to I'll cut you bitch in a heartbeat. With just skipping one morning meditation. And and that's my truth. That's the you know, the truth is I'm not perfect. This obviously none of us are clearly. I'm I get it wrong just as much as anybody else. I just do I get it wrong all the time. I get it wrong. I get it right to get it wrong. It's what we do. We figure it out. None of us have been rendered. White as snow. We're just figuring out and I'm mess it up all day long. My sponsor says me all the time. Robbie. I expect you to mess it up. Just not twice in the same way. You mess that up. We learn from it and and all this is about learning experiences and and and how that will help us help somebody else with that and we move on. But I mess it up and I mess it up and I get it wrong and I get it wrong. I get it right for a minute and that feels great and I get it wrong and I do inventory. So I get back into that path and back onto that being. And that's what this whole thing is about, you know, and the big book says that says if you walk hand in hand with a new man. And follow the dictates of a higher power, you will currently live in new and wonderful world regardless of your current circumstances. That tells me that regardless of what's going on in my life. I will I can currently live in a new and wonderful world. Sorry, I need a drink. And that's my experience. That's my truth today. Today. I know that no matter what's going on. I can currently live in a new and wonderful world. And that's absolutely how I feel. It's a little funny to outside people. They think it's a little weird. And why is Robin so happy? Didn't her boyfriend just leave her and then she just lose her job. Why she's skipping around like that, you know, but the deal is and and. The deal is and and. And that's my experience. I started to set aside prayer. God, you know, help me set aside everything. I think I know about you this book these steps. To give me a new experience the same time few years back. I started feeling like I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. Wasn't really sure what that was a little off my game on 10 11 and 12. I told somebody the truth about that today. I understand that that the greatest. Courage that we have. Is just asking for help. Just asking for help. Whether we're sitting in these chairs with years and multiple years of sobriety. We're here. We're brand new. It's about just saying I feel like something's a little off and I need some help there. I went to my sponsor today and said. Scared I'm going to die. I don't know what it is. I don't like helping new girls anywhere. I'm not going to die. I'm not feeling it. I'm. H and I chairs have a lot of commitments. I'm in service. I'm planning a lot of picnics. I speak all over the country and I got a ton of sponsors. I take girls to meetings all day long. And I don't want to and I don't like it. I don't feel good about it. And I don't want to drink because my alcoholism doesn't come at me all the time with why don't you have a drink? It comes at me in all different forms. My alcoholism will come at me in ways that are masked. They don't they don't say Rob. One of you have a drink. They say things like you're probably not alcoholic. Why don't you stop going to those silly meetings? They say things like you help a lot of girls. Why don't you just go out with him tonight and not go to that meeting? They say things like you're really not good enough. Nobody wants to hear you. Why don't you just shut up and stay home? That's where my alcoholism and and my ego comes at me. And I feel that and it doesn't come at me with the voice that says drink. It comes me at me with the voice that says you're a piece of shit to stay home and shut up. Nobody needs your help. And I'm scared inside like a frightened little girl and I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to tell anybody the truth about that. But I start to suffer and I start to look at outside shiny things that might fix that again. I can see myself doing it. I've seen myself do it before. I've seen myself doing it again. And it was about having the courage to just walk up to this man and say listen, can we talk to the side for a minute? I'm scared. I think I might need some help here. Maybe I didn't do this thing right. Maybe didn't go through the steps right. I don't want to I don't want to be an AA anymore. I want to do it anymore. I said tell me what I did wrong. Did I do the steps wrong? Do I need to do them again? He said then they got you to a spiritual awakening. You probably did them. Okay. He said there's a big difference in into activities and into action. He said what's what's your action? Because these were just activities. You're just got a case of the busiest is busy doing stuff a lot of activities. But what's your action? Who you make amends to lately? Who would you not send a Christmas card to because you're harboring some ill feelings towards who have you walked up to and just made a straight honest amends to? What's your best? What's your best? What's your meditation life look like? He said show me your inventory will go over the last like two or three weeks and page by page will figure out what's wrong. So yeah, I do it my head now. See cuz cuz I'll rest my laurels right inventory for years every night. Now I can just do it my head. I'll rest on these past accomplishments and and the book says well, we're we're quick to ease up in the spiritual program. It's the easiest part to ease up on you. You won't know about it. You'll know if I don't show up in meetings. You'll know if I'm not sponsoring girls, but you won't know if I use up on my spiritual program. You don't know if I'm writing inventory not it's the quickest place for me to start to to get lazy with and so we just got back into 10 11 and 12. That's all 12 helping helping new people doesn't do much for me if I can't transmit with what I don't have. So if I'm not living in 10 and 11, I'm not. Living in a space of in the spirit of kindness and and loving towards all I can't transmit much in 12. So who am I really helping? So we get back to that we start writing inventory we get we he gets me current on my work. And then I can go out there and help new girls and feel that joy of living inside that high that I get when I see a new girl start to come alive that beats no I've ever felt out there. And so I start saying the set. That aside for our and I start saying this is prayer. I heard another speaker talk about. Take away prayer and so took me about two weeks to do it get honest with it and mean it. And I get on my knees and I say to God God take away everything from me in which you do not want me to half period and mean that with all my heart. You say God bless you. You too. And so I, I, it's living in the essence of the third step, right? So I get in that, in that essence and living in the spirit of the third step, living in that spirit of, of God's will is all I want for me. And that's it. I don't make good choices. My pickers broke. I don't know what's good for me and not just God direct me, take away what you don't want me to have. Show me what you want me to have. Give me a new experience with it. And I, and I surrender that to you. And I say that prayer today, every day, several times a day, what happens is things start to be taken away. The, the, the, the boyfriend left and the job of 10 years left or however long that was. And, and things just start to be taken away. And, and I felt like I was living in a new, wonderful world. I felt absolutely this joy of living back that I've never, that I, that I've lost. And I feel this, this, this joy. And freedom inside of me that I can't even explain to you because the, the, the book talks about, it's indescribably wonderful. And, and I started to live in this, this wonderful world again, where I'm just sitting down at the kitchen table and, and opening up the book and, and, and things are happening in my life that don't look the way I think they should look. But the only problem I've ever had is that my head tells me a certain way things should look. But in the spiritual world, it tells us it's whatever. It's living a life of whatever. It's saying, God, whatever, let your will be done. Use me as a vessel, fill me up. And, and through that experience to, to this day, that's the grace of God that comes in. It shows me how to be accountable again, living in that 10, 11, taking my inventory and, and staying and, and having new experiences with these steps and having new experiences with you guys. And, and. And the way it is today, if I had all day, if I had all night, I couldn't tell you about, I could tell you about some really cool things that can happen. I could tell you about this, this amazing God that, that I love so much, but I fail him all the time. I mess it up all the time with him, but I, but I, but I know. But I know today that he's pleased that I'm trying to follow his will. He's pleased that I'm fitting myself into service and that that's my purpose today. And, and by the grace of God, I get to do that. I get to help people and, and, um, and I have a life today where, you know, through making amends, I have my family back and I don't know about you, but my family want to come around for a long time. And it talks about, there's a long road ahead. And for me, the men's process was a long road. It took me a long time to earn a little bit of respect with my family and to earn my, my respect with my mom back, you know, and I'd have to go and make amends to her through this process. And, and, um, she told me to get out and I'll go a little bit into men's then. And now the last few minutes that we have. So I go to my mom and I say, ma, I said, I was wrong. And she says, get the hell out. She says, you. You've been lying to me your whole life. Just get the hell out. And I go to my baby sister and I said, I said, Emmy, I was wrong. I said, I, I, I, I broke into ma's house and I stole $60 when you're like in kindergarten or whatever. And, and you had a piggy bank. It's all, it could find, I broke it open and I stole $60 from you. And I wanted to tell you I was wrong. And I'm in AA now and I got to make these things right, or I'm going to drink. And, and so I wanted to give you back that $60. And, and, and. My little sister, she's now somewhere in her mid twenties or so. And, and she looks at me and, and, and first of all, she looks at me and she says, it was 61. Okay. I'm going to get the extra dollar. And, and then she looks at me and she says, has nothing to do with the money. Keep your money. She said, tell me how you're going to earn back my, my peace of mind. How are you going to give that back to me? How are you going to give back to me? My childhood memories. How are you going to give back to me? A functional family. You took all that away from me. She said, you stole every bit of security I ever had. You stole all the attention I ever could have. You stole mom and dad. She said, I had to live in and, and, and, and go to sleep at night here. Mom, dad fighting about you. I'd have to hear mom crying. Robbie's going to die. I'd hear dad yelling, just let her die. And I would think it's my sister. And you guys are just talking about how she's going to die. She said, that's how I grew up. I grew up coming home and telling my mom that I had all A's again. And she would say, not right now. Robbie's missing. We got to find her. She told me, that's what you, that's what you owe me. She said, how are you going to make that right? Cause I don't care about your money. And the book says that there'd be far more impressed with the demonstration of our actions than our words. She wasn't impressed with any kind of words that I bring to her in an amends. She wanted me to show up with something. I wanted to show up with some action. And today I understand that that's what this whole thing's about. Showing up in action, moving my feet. It's how am I moving my feet? It's if my insides match my outsides. If I'm in conflict with my outsides and my insides, they're not, they're not matching up. I'm in conflict and I'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. It's about showing up, not just telling her that I was wrong, but showing up and being a good sister. My mom, she finally came around and, and, and she just loved alcohol. Thomas, she loves you guys. You guys are the best. We really have like the greatest thing going on in the world right here. Like we really do. We got good shit happening. We're having a good time. Did I curse? I'm sorry. We are having so much fun doing this. And we really have just the coolest thing going. There's just nothing like it in the world. And my mom, she just, she just loved you guys. She was an alcoholic. She suffered greatly from my alcoholism, but she was an alcoholic. She was a spiritually fit. She could just show up in this world and just be okay. She had to do a lot of work to get there. I tell her about these AA principles and stuff like that. And, and she'd just be like, it's old news. I've been doing that naturally my whole life. This is not rocket scientists here. You have make a wrong, make it right, Rob. And, um, AA didn't invent them. Just spiritual principles to live by. And, but she loved you guys. And, and a couple of years ago, it'd be three years on this week. And, um, she called up and she was my best friend. And, uh, she traveled in AA and I got to bring her some great vacations and some AA conventions all over the country. And, and, and she loved it. And, um, she called me up and she was in North Carolina and she said, I have the lung cancer and they don't think I'm going to make it. You should probably come down here. And she was 60 years old and, and she was young and healthy. Like I, She's, you know, she got 65. She told me, she was almost the same age was at that time. So she was just trying to throw me off. And, and, you know, obviously that meant a lot to, to me. And I was going to get cancer and that made me婚 and I was all excited about this world. And, and all those, you know, stuff and I'm only 10 months into my marriage. And so when I was getting my榅 and she is Performance Center, I was so sad and it was really 하는데ashi and I did all these things for the world that I do law and information law. And then I do maybe Burnal again. like 10, 12 days when she was on hospice at home in her living room. And I got to just go there and just be with her, just show up, be present, have a way to walk through that fear. That's the kind of gifts that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me. It has nothing to do with, I could tell you about the careers and all the beautiful, shiny things that have happened in my life in the last 16 years, but it's about the fact that I can show up and hold my mom's hand while she dies. It's about that my mom forgave me before she died. It's about that if we had no undone amends, we had no resentments that weren't untreated, we had nothing left to say because this program taught me to talk about resentments, to ask for forgiveness. It taught me how to show up and be vulnerable and honest. It taught me how to be present. About two days before she passed away, she said, well, you read the cards on the mantle. I love it when you read me the cards. She said, read the ones up on the mantle. So I got the cards down and I started to read them. And they all went something like this. They would say, hi, Rita, you don't know me, but I'm a friend of Bill W.'s. And we're praying for you out here in Texas. They would say, hi, Rita, my name's so-and-so, and Robbie's my sponsor, and I've learned so much through you over the years, and I'm praying for you out here. One after the next. Say, this is a friend of Bill W.'s down in Florida. We just wanted you to know that our home group down here is saying a lot of prayers for you. That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what it looks like to me. That's just what it looks like to me. In ways that are so much bigger than anything we're doing in here. So much bigger than anything we can see. We're just finite little humans. We can't even see this big picture. It's happening all over the world right now in rooms like this. People are getting well. Loving on each other. Praying for one another. Showing up. In the spirit of love and kindness. I knew nothing about until I came here. And you transferred that on to me. That's what AA looks like to me. After my mom passed away, I called my sponsor. He said, what's going on now? I said, she hasn't, she's not breathing. He said, okay. You need to call the funeral home and then call me. Okay. He said, what are you doing? I said, I'm still laying in bed with her. He said, okay, call them and call me back. And you can stay in bed with her. And just keep me on the phone until they get there. Because I've never had to do anything alone since. Since I was born. Since I walked into these room. You guys welcomed me, treated me like family. I got home and you guys said, let's just plan a memorial service together. We can do this. Right after she died, the hospice came in and they said, we want to remove the narcotics from the house. Because we know that you're recovering alcoholic and you probably shouldn't be triggered. We want to remove them from the house. I said, I didn't know we had any here. They said, you've been giving your mom narcotics on the hour, every hour for 10 days. I said, yeah, I hadn't paid any attention to that. They're in the other room. You're more than welcome to them all. That's what being recovered is about. That's what it's about. That's what having freedom from this thing is about. For me, that's how it shows up. It shows up in a way that I'm not trying to help my mom as she's passing away. And I'm not fighting not taking the pills. I'm not fighting that. It shows up today. It shows up today in a way that I can just be present for my mom, not trying to figure out how to take three and give her one or how to find a story about how her pills got lost again. The thought never crossed my mind. I'm just experiencing this spiritual experience with my mother right here, right now. Not worried about narcotics in the house or not. It's been removed. That's the miracle of it. That's the whole miracle of it to me. And I'll end with this. I know we're at time. But I'll, I, I, the, the miracles are far. I'm not going to go into too much detail. I'm just saying that I think the miracles are far. What happens today in my life are little things that I sometimes have to pull over the car and stop and just thank God for this moment. The sky, the sunset, the love, the friends. And the things that happen today that are unexplainable. They just happen. They just come to me. I know what I want to give. And I give forgiveness. And I get forgiveness. And I give love. And I get love. And I give friendship. And I get friendship. And that's how we do this thing. And the things that happen today are. My doorbell rang a couple years ago. I always like to tell you this before I end. As hope. And, and so about right after my mom passed away, the door rang in the middle of the night. And I'm living down there in Bettner. And, and it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. And I went down and I answered the door. And there was this beautiful young lady on the other end. And I said to her, can I help you? She didn't look like a girl out running or something that needed help. She looked healthy and beautiful. I said, can I help you? And she said, my name's Cassandra and I believe you're my mom. She said, can I come in? My sister's with me. Do you remember that, Becky? You were there. And, and all of a sudden, my, my daughters are just back in my life. They just came in. We said, we'll figure it out. We'll just figure it out. Come on in. We'll put some coffee on. I said, you got twin sisters. They're upstairs sleeping. Let's wake them up. And I said, I'm going to wake them up. And they said, I'm going to wake them up. And I said, I'm going to wake them up. And they said, I'm going to wake them up. They just came in. They're all cuddled on the couch. Got the pictures up on Facebook right away. It was a miracle. And the, and the miracle of it is, is that when they showed up in God's timing, I was ready. It, the book tells us we failed to expand upon a spiritual life. We won't be able to handle certain trials and those spots that lie ahead. And that's what we're all about. We need to be able to do that. I mean, we, we are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. And when we get to that point, we are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. We are a living spirit. I'm expanding upon my spiritual life, so I'm ready to handle whatever comes at me. And what happens is I had to trust God. I had to trust his timing. I had to trust this process and the timing of this process. And so I want my kids back at six months and a year and two years. And what happened was God said, I'll give you your kids back in my time, not in yours. You trust this process, and it will happen. My daughter came in, and she said, after you left us, she was two when I left her. She said, after you left us, a woman adopted us, and we called her mom. And she died. And so we thought we'd find out who her real mom was. And I said, my mom just died too. I know what it feels like. It's perfect timing. This is when we are meant to be together. We can heal together now. And through amends with them, we get to heal together as a family. And it's not always perfect. Missed a lot of years in there, but we're healing, and we're doing this thing. And the miracle isn't even that they showed up and found me after all those years. The miracle is that I could look them in the eye without regret. And remorse. I didn't feel shame. I didn't feel icky inside because of what I'd done to them. Or what I'd done in my past. I just owned that. And walked through that. I can look them in the eye without shame, remorse, and guilt. That's a miracle of it. And we can have forgiveness. They can have forgiveness for me. And I can ask for it. That's the kind of grace that God gives us. And so I am absolutely honored to be here tonight. I apologize for going a little over. I do that. I, um, I, you guys are making AA history. And I love being alongside you shoulder to shoulder in this journey. And, uh, if I can do anything to help, ever let me know. And I'm done. I don't think it was recording. Thank you. Thank you.