The Difference Between a Sober A**hole and a Recovered Alcoholic – Sterling H.

Hi everybody, I'm Sterling Holmes. I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace, this program and sponsorship I haven't found necessary to take a drink since the 2nd of June 1981 and for that I am truly, truly grateful. I would like to thank the committee for trusting me with the wrap-up Because usually you don't get the sick ones in the family to do this kind of stuff, you know. But I'm really grateful. I am very, very, very humbled by the efforts that my brother Pigeons and some other friends in Bellevue, AA have done to make this thing a wonderful, wonderful weekend for me. Thank you. You guys busted your ass. Okay? So for Detroit, that's just a hint. I know you know, but just as a hint, it was some hard work, and we pulled it off, and it was great. And I've just had a wonderful, wonderful time. This has been wonderful, you guys. The speakers have been outstanding. I don't know what you're going to hear today. If you're just getting here today, you missed it. You really, really missed it, you know? The thing is, it's been a wonderful weekend. Everybody did a great job, and up to now it's Been Fantastic. and, you know, hey, we'll see what I can do and then we can get on with our lives because that's what it's all about. We should be getting on with out lives. We're the men that carry the message and sitting in here and loving each other and having a wonderful time is good but we got work to do. You know, there's a lot of stuff out there we need to be about so let's get on with it. My full name is Sterling David Holmes III and when you have a Roman numeral at the end of your name, you're supposed to get a country to run. Louis XIV, George I. So as a kid, I grew up waiting. I was waiting for my country, you know? And at seven, I got a little sister that moved into my room, pissed me off. That's the kind of person I am. I'm very self-centered, self-centred in the extreme, okay? I get up in the morning and the song starts. What about me? What's going to happen to me? Do they love me? And what's going on with me? And everything is going to be me. And me, me, we, me. Me, me me me. And it's a hum that's just interrupted intermittently by sometimes prayer, most of the time by you. You know, the thing is, I think about me. My grand sponsor always said, I mean, I'd be much, but I'm all I think about. And that's the way I am. And That was the way I got on the planet. Before I ever took my first drink, that was the way I got out on the plant. You know? I grew up in New York. I was born in Missouri. Whiteman Air Force Base, Missouri. But I grew up in NYC. My father moved to New York and I went to school there and grew up there and didn't leave there until I joined the service. So New York is my home. I grew in Harlem and in the South Bronx. In the South Bronx, I grew up in the 40th precinct, toughest police precinct in the South Bronx. They said if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. And it really doesn't matter. My neighborhood was a – I grew up in The Projects. I watched a lot of television when I was coming up, 60s and 70s. You remember Eight is Enough, Leave it to Beaver, Donna Reed, all those shows. I always compared my family to those characters on television, those people on TV. But my dad wasn't an engineer. And mom, you can look at me and tell mom that it wasn't Donna Reed. She didn't bake cookies at home. And dad didn't come home at 5 o'clock and we had dinner at 6 every day and we'd solve all the problems in a half an hour. That wasn't the way it was. I grew up in the South Bronx on the 18th floor in the projects. But I always thought that if I had had that leave-it-to-be-the-kinda lifestyle, Maybe I'd be different. You know, maybe it would be better. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. But I'm going to tell you, I've been to thousands of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I done sat right next to people that had that split-level A-framed house and the manicured lawn, and they're just as screwed up as I am, so it wouldn't have made any difference. So it certainly wasn't my environment. It wasn't My Parents. I didn't pop out the chute with a set of instructions. My mother and father did the best they could with the kid that they had, and they are not dysfunctional. I heard some mention about dysfunctional families this weekend. Thing is, my family is only dysfunctional when I'm in it trying to run their lives because they're God's kids and they're doing the best they can on the 24 hours they've been given, and the only time they get all screwed up is when I try to get in there and think I can manage something. I can't do nothing with them, you know, including the little grandchildren I got. Can't do Nothing with them. Just got to enjoy them, love them, and accept them. But when I get in here, they're dysfunctional as hell. So it wasn't my family. It certainly wasn't the environment. I don't think it was a genetic malfunction that made me an alcoholic. It's my thinking, okay? I'm the kind of kid that needed sponsorship in kindergarten. I mean, that first day I went in there, there was two groups, me and all y'all. And I felt apart from that very first day. It would have been nice to be able to drop some change in the phone and just call somebody and say, I don'T think they like me. What do I do? You know, he would have told me, eat the cookie, take the nap. You know? It's no big deal. But I wouldn't have followed that kind of direction. I'm always thinking about me and I'm always wondering what's going to happen and where we're at and what the status is. I've lived most of my life on condition yellow, just waiting to respond to whatever situation came down. And that's how I got the alcohol. That's how i started. That's what I brought to my very first drink. You know and so when I put the drink down, I still had stuff like that to deal with. And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has been helping me with for years and years and years and is that other stuff, because I put the drink down. Yeah, I have a problem. I have an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind. And as long as I don't drink, you know, I heard it last night. Dennis mentioned it, that, you know, it's a profound theological concept. You can't get a DWI if you ain't drinking. Just can't get it. Just can' t have it, you know? That's a, but the obsession of mind, there are a lot of interesting things happening to us with that obsessive mind, don't they? You know, I mean, we have a lot of stories to tell about that obsession of the mind, you know, and that's where I'm at. That's exactly where I'm at. But in school, coming up through school, I was they thought I was very talented. They thought I Was pretty smart kid and they sent me to a lot of different schools and even sent me to a couple of psychiatrists. Nobody knew what was wrong. You know? I knew what was wrong, the fact is I knew what was on something was wrong with me and it was my job to keep you from finding that out. If you found out what was wrong, then all hell would break loose. And the thing about it is I wasn't really positive as to what was wrong, but I knew it was my job to keep people from finding out what was wrong. So I lied to my parents and I lied to you and I played games and I kept people at a distance because that's just what you have to do when you're self-centered and you're afraid and you don't know what's going on and you want to tell anybody and you don't want to ask and you are too egotistical or too afraid to mess with To be honest, you've got to keep people at a distance. And I learned how to be cool and how to stick and move and move and weave and do all of that stuff. The problem is I was lonely on the inside. I wanted you. I wasn't sure I liked you, but I wanted your life. And that's a tough prospect for a self-centered, selfish alcoholic that hasn't had a drink yet. So when 13 came along, there was a maelstrom going on inside of me. I thanked God for alcohol. I know that may sound strange, butI thanked God for alcohol, because if I hadn't found that, I wouldn't be here today. I really wouldn't be here today, because the maelstrom that was going on inside of my mind would have put me in a situation where I was so apart from you, I would have had to leave this planet. But I'm going to tell you, when I had that tall can of Colt 45 at 13 years old on a summer's day in the South Bronx, everything changed. It made me feel like I could speak as well as Jesse Jackson, play sports as well as Reggie Jackson, and dance as well as Michael Jackson. And if it was still working that way, I'd have been out last night being one of the Jacksons. Serious. The problem is it stopped working. And if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, you may be putting that drink or whatever you've been using down and you're wondering whether or not this thing will work. It will work, it's going to take a while. The good news is it works, the bad news is that it takes a little time. So just stick around with the folks that are walking around in here They've been walking around this weekend. Stick around with those that you see that seem to have a smile on their face and a song in their heart that are walking around, you know, light on the air. Hang with these folks because in the process of doing all of the silly things that they may be doing, you may discover what they feel on the inside. What I feel today, what I feel is joy today. That's certainly not how I got here, but that's what I feels today being among these men. And if you're going to do alcoholism right, I think it's important that you develop a couple of tendencies. And I think the most important one is being dishonest. I mean, you're gonna do it right. You know, I heard Bob talked about it. I mean you know you got to keep people, you got keep it going, you gotta keep the scam going, you gotta to keep the game going. And the best way to lie to other people is to believe that lie yourself. And that's what I did. I started creating stuff in my mind that was true. I would tell stories to other folks to get out of trouble, and I would get so wrapped up in a story it would affect me, I'd start crying, you know? I'd say, this story's sad, man. This is so bad. You know, I'd have them crying. I'd be crying. You know? It's just a bad deal because I'd stop believing it. I was so full of it. And that was the way. You've got to do lying real well. You've Got to Do It Real Well. And if you're going to – I think you need three things if you are going to do alcoholism, right? You need an income, a place to crash, and three meals a day. Now, your income don't have to be yours. But you need an outcome. You need a place of crash. Again, that doesn't have the be yours, but you know, you need a place to crush. And then meals in the beginning are important, and then towards the end, they ain't that big a deal. You know? And that's what I needed. I needed those three things. I was getting it at home, but I was also blacking out. You know, one time when I was 16 years old, I drank some gin. I was trying to impress this lady. Isn't that kind of ironic? I was try to impress this lady, her ex-boyfriend was at this party and I decided in order to look good in her eyes, I'd have to do something that I was good at. So I challenged this guy to a drinking contest. We were drinking hot gin. The summer's day. And I won. And the party went from being an evening party to a slumber party because I passed out. So I just had that effect on the party. Everybody stayed there that night, and when I woke up that morning, I was very embarrassed that I'd passed out. You know, I was actually suffering from alcohol poisoning because my heart rate went dangerously low. They put me in the shower a couple of times. I didn't regain consciousness, none of that. But when I awoke up, I was really embarrassed about it, and I blamed the whole bad experience on bad onion dip. Had to be the onion dip! You know? I don't know about y'all, but has anybody ever been pulled over by a county sure if I'm having one taco too many. You know, it was ethyl alcohol, but I wasn't dealing with that. This was my solution. This stuff worked. It made me feel good. It gave me the energy to make me feel like I could talk to the girls and dance and do all the things that I needed to do to feel a part of. And I wasnít about to put it down. So I was always sidestepping what was happening in my life that was related to alcohol, to the alcohol. No way. I was always keeping those things separate. It had to be you. It has to be this. It It had to be that. Couldn't possibly be what I was drinking because that tall can of Coke 45 was extremely important to me. Well, if you black out a lot and you drink a lot and you lie a lot, you get in trouble. People start challenging you on your stuff. You've got two choices. You either tell the truth or move. And I decided to do a geographic. I grew up in the South Bronx and some of the guys that I ran with were in gangs. You know, when they were real young. And the funny thing about it, if you looked like you had some talent in my neighborhood and you might get out of that neighborhood, they wouldn't let you get involved in gangs. They would keep you from pledging to the gang if you had some talent that might get you out of our neighborhood. So they wouldn'T let me join. But I always wanted to be a part of a gang because I wanted to Be a Part Of. I wanted to have that feeling of belonging. And I wanted in, but they wouldn'T let me in. So I decided to join a big gang, and that was the Department of Defense. I mean, if you're going to join a gang, join a gang that's got nuclear weapons, you know? Because when we go to a gang fight, somebody's going to get hurt. So when I signed on, when I sign the bottom line and the Air Force signed the bottomline for me to join the United States Air Force, neither one of us knew I was an alcoholic. You know, I mean nobody in my family knew I Was an up-and-coming young alcoholic. Nineteen years old now, and they didn't know. It just didn't seem likely. Because in New York, alcoholics look like something else. We had a guy that had a monkey, a Reese monkey, that he used to drink with. He'd drink Mad Dog, the monkey drank Mad Dog. And he would pass out and the monkey would guard him, you know? This was the guy that was the alcoholic in my neighborhood. He'd lay by the drugstore and he would mumble to himself. He looked a lot like Dick Gregory, as a matter of fact. Real dog had this big gray beard. I mean, and the thing was, that's what an alcoholic was to everybody in my neighborhood. Yeah, we had people that were running around who were addicts. As a matter of fact, my mother was a narcotics officer. Made me extremely popular in the neighborhood, let me tell you. Drugs weren't my thing. I mean I knew a lot about this stuff. Some of my friends were into recreational chemicals, but ethyl alcohol worked for me. Rum and Coke would make me brave. Mad Dog would make even braver. I know y'all got some of that. That liquid courage was working for me, But that was the stuff. But I didn't look like it. 19, 20, 21 years old, I didn' t look to people that I looked like an alcoholic. But I was behaving like one. I was drinking at the blackout level. I was abusing alcohol on a regular basis. I was minimizing the number of drinks that I was taking to you. I was lying and doing all those things, taking money out of my mom's purse. I was doing all the stuff that somebody that's got a problem with this thing are doing. But nobody knew. I did not look like an alcoholic. So the Air Force hired me, put me in, and they thought they were going to train me and send me somewhere, and I thought I was going to make some money and go. You know, it seemed like a good deal to me. After basic training, they sent me to Monterey, California. MontereY, California, I was 19 years old, underage, from New York, hip, slick, and cool, wearing sunglasses, smoking a cigarette, drinking in Montereyr, California— I terrorized that town for about the year I was there. I spoke one time in Monterey, California. I told them if anybody was there from 77 to 75, stay in the back. I'll make my amends when I get done because if they went roundtable pizza on a Friday and Saturday night, I was in there acting a complete fool because I had liquid courage and nobody was messing with me. And that was the way it was. Of course, I got in some trouble here and there, and I knew that I needed to change. You know how, I love this about us. Well, I shouldn't assume that. I'm chronically self-centered. I am chronically self-centred. I am always thinking about me. I am motivated to solve my own problems and my own needs immediately. The last thing I need is a relationship. But that's what I'm looking for. I decided I was going to fix an inside problem with an outside thing like another woman. Of course. So I found the object of my obsession. You know how we lock on? Because alcoholics don't date. Alcoholics like us don't date. We hunt down and we capture, Jack. I found her. I locked on. Target acquired. I was relentless because I was going to fix this thing. I'm going to find somebody to help me love me. And she decided, you know, some of the people that we come in contact with, they get a little nervous. They sense the danger, you know. And they go, nah, I think I'm going to pass on this. But there are others that find that danger exciting. You know, and that was the one I locked into. And I made her a lot of promises. And I fully intended on keeping every one of those promises. I really did. I wanted to be a good husband and a good father. But you don't understand. I suffer from alcoholism. Alcoholism will not allow you to be a good husband or a good father or a good brother or a good friend or a good employee or a good employer, it just won't let you because alcoholism, the disease is rapacious. It means it's relentless. It takes it all. It's a rapacious credit. It takes everything. It took everything from me and when I made these promises to other people, I fully intended on keeping them but you can't keep them when you suffer from this disease especially when you're active in it. So we got married And before she had a chance to think about what she had done, they sent her butt overseas. They sent me overseas, and I got her pregnant, and we had a little girl because I was going to keep this thing going, you know? Before I got over there, something bad happened to my mom. She got hit by a car and knocked about 50 feet, put into a coma. In about two and a half weeks, just the 2nd of September of 78, she passed away, never regained consciousness. I want to tell you something about me and my mom。 My mom, every once in a while, on a Saturday or Sunday night, she would decide that she had to go and do her little reminiscent-reminiscent. And she would play those old Marvin Gaye and Gladys Knight and the Pips. She was talking about it last night, them old school songs, them ol' R&B jams, them slow, sad jams on 45s, you know? Yeah, for a newcomer, 45s was a record. Had a kind of big hole It was like a CD but it was a different color And we had a We had a thing called a record player We put it on, put a needle on it and made music You know That's for the newcomer But she played these old records right And she'd drink her little vodka And sometimes I'd come home on Saturday night And mom would be passed out on the floor And I would turn the stereo off And I'd put mom to bed and I'd say to myself I'm never going to do that And I never did. I passed out on the couch, and I played Earth, Wind, and Fire records. Whole different thing, you know? But I used to tell people when I was in real trouble, you know, that if you came from the neighborhood I came from, and if you had the mom and the dad that got divorced, and you had The Ravages of Ghetto Life in your life, you'd drink like this too. And if you were stationed where I was stationed, and you'd done what I'd done and experienced what I experienced, you'd drank like that too. That was the lines I used run, and I'd always denigrate my mother to people in authority. And when she went into the ground, it occurred to me that she was the only mom I'm ever going to have. But she was a kindest woman, the most intelligent woman I ever met, taught me to read before I got into the first grade. She graduated, lost her Mobile, Alabama accent at Howard University in Washington, D.C., you know? And I treated her like crap, stolen from her, lied to her, abused her a couple of times. And when I got older and taller than her, I intimidated her. And now she was in the ground, and I couldn't make amends. And I don't know how y'all do guilt, but I know how I did guilt. When she went into the ground I got crazy because it was every day I was running that movie in my head. And along with that movie was everything else that started from kindergarten all the way up. Every failure, every screw-up, every shortcoming that I had ever experienced in my life was running like an old picture from day in to day out. And when you live like that you've got to do a lot of drinking, and it don't change. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous and you haven't gotten there yet, don't leave. Because if you go back out and try to drink on that, it ain't going to work. The movie just gets clearer and gets louder. And it takes more and more and some of us drink so much we drink ourselves right back into sobriety. You know, and that's really crazy because that's when the four horsemen are right next door. Hello. Yeah, terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. You know and that is what I was headed for. Now, I got sent overseas to northern Japan. In northern Japan, they drive on the wrong side of the road. You know, I drive on the other side, you know, and I'd get so drunk sometimes, I couldn't remember what side of the road I was supposed to be on. So I'd drive down the middle. And that's not valid behavior. You know society gets very worried about us when we're doing our thing, don't they? And they have places for us when we're doing our thing. And it's usually a room with a little slat in the door, No doorknob on the inside. And they have clothes for us, too, with long sleeves and belts, you know, because society is very afraid of us when we're doing our thing. You know, the military was getting kind of worried. I'm driving down the middle of the street. Never got an EWI. I should have. I remember one time I was so drunk I reported my car stolen. It was the only one in the parking lot at the time. They take a very dim view of that, too. You can't find it. You can'T drive it. I had to take a cab home that night. You know? That was the thing. So I was starting to become incorrigible. And I was always trying to fix me. I remember one time I'd gotten a promotion and I was in the hospital under quarantine because I'd had an eye infection. And my wife came in there and told me that she was tired of us living this way. And I said, I'm going to try to recreate my life. You know how many times I tried to recreate? And more about alcoholism, we talk about it, you know, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums. You know, that's what I was also trying to do. I'm going to straighten up. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm wanna work out. I'mma get back in shape. I'ma quit this stuff. I'mna love this kid and I'm a love this wife and everything's gonna be wonderful and that would last like, what, an hour? Hour, hour and a half? Because I'd go by the club to go see my friends, you know? And that was the way it was and the military got really sick of my behavior because they expected me to be fully clothed and in my right mind. I was in my 20s so they leaned on me a little bit. They decided they were going to intensify my health, and they decided to send me to group. Now, I don't know how you experienced group, but this is how I experienced group. There were a bunch of us in group, and we sat around on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays and grouped one another. So Monday through Friday, I was a pretty good alcoholic. I wasn't drinking, and you know I was just a joy to be around, just spreading warmth and sunshine everywhere I went. And Friday would roll around, and I'd go into the NCO club to get some funny money and take my wife and kids out. And I would go by to see my friends, you know, those guys that stand at the bar. You know, they look 50, and they're 20, 30. You know? These guys, my friends whose names I can't remember. You know. And I Would sit there, and drink a Coke, and they'd be swapping, you know, drinking beer and telling lies about Vietnam and everything like that. and I'd have another Coke, and they'd be telling some more lies about Vietnam. And then I'd Have a Rum and Coke and another Rum and Cook, and I would be telling lies about Viet Nam. I joined in 77. It was over. And one time I woke up sitting next to a big Japanese guy. He was singing New York, New York. And I was 300 miles away from the base, and I didn't know where my car was. So needless to say, the military took a dim view of my local treatment program, and they decided to intensify the treatment, they sent me to the Philippines for treatment. I don't know if there's any GIs in here that have been to the Philippines, but when I was stationed in the Philippines the first time, when I got sent to the Philippines the first times, beer was a nickel. You could go out of the gate in the Philippines and explore every fantasy you ever had with a dollar and come home with change. So, you know, this was not going to be a good place I thought was going to help me to stay sober. What I did not know is that at the treatment center that they were sending me to. They had seen alcoholics before. A couple of them had shuffled through there before I got there, and I didn't think I was an alcoholic. And they started to intensify an education program where they opened my head. They put everything you needed to know about alcoholism in my head, closed it, and sent me packing. I learned everything about the jelly neck chart of recovery and the cirrhotic livers. I saw every Father Martin movie I ever needed to see, I'll quit tomorrow, and days of wine and roses I saw in there. You know, they were extensive in the information they gave me about alcoholism. I felt so sorry for you people. Really did. I was willing to make a donation. The day before we graduated, there was a vote, 12 of us, 12 angry men I used to call us because we were pissed off, all GIs. They said, who was most likely to drink six months after getting out of there? And if I had voted, it would have been a landslide victory for yours truly. The fact of the matter is I was not convinced when I got out of that treatment center. Now, they sent me back to my base, and they told me that if I didn't keep my nose clean, I was out of the Air Force. I knew that my wife had said to me that If I don't straighten up, she's leaving. Now, the Air force is leaning on me. My wife is leaning in on me, and you know how I came back, resentful, pissed off. scared, you know? And they sent me to a place called AA. It had this little blue circle and two little AAs on it. It was right next to the recreation center. And I went into this room, and what I saw was some strange stuff. I saw, picture these two old white guys. These two 12 and 12s. These things on the walls. Think, think, think. First things first. Easy does it. This too shall pass. All these little signs. And then the people smiling from ear to ear. I mean, just, hi, how are you? My name is so-and-so. Hi, sit down, have a seat here. You want a cup of coffee? You know, I mean just happy to see me. And it pissed me off. How dare you be so damn happy? I'm not happy. This is not a happy situation. I can't drink for the rest of my life. I'm 23, 24 years old This is not a happy deal I'm not here to be happy I want you to sign this card Tell me that I'm Not an alcoholic So I can get these people Off my back And they just sat me down Smiling and telling me All about this Then they started Telling stories About themselves And they were telling Some terrible Horrible Awful stories They would tell stories Like I wrapped my car Around a pole eight times Ha ha ha ha And just laughed They were telling stuff about where they were naked on the lawn and then just laugh. And I'm embarrassed for them. I'm wondering what the hell is this deal? Were they telling this stuff about themselves? I secretly thought that my wife had called you and told you some of this stuff so that you'd make me think, you know, I'm an alcoholic too. I didn't trust you. I Didn't buy it. It was, and then I realized you started with a prayer, ended with a praye,r and passed the basket. And that's when I discovered what this thing was all about. I went, ah, it's a cult. It's a cult, y'all trying to jump me to Jesus, okay, alright, or you're going to make me shave my head and sell books at the airport, I got you, alright. I was waiting for that hard sell. See, because I had extensive experience with that kind of stuff, you know, I grew up in Catholic school, but I quit Catholicism well, and you know through my first year of college I was in Catholic schools, in Catholic School of Education, you now, and I don't have a problem with the Catholic doctrine. Some of the nuns that taught it to me weren't wrapped too tight, but other than that, you know? And I was always arguing with the ideas and the principles of Catholicism. So I decided to separate from Catholicism, and I embraced Islam for a while. I was practicing Muslim for a While, you Know? And i was dealing in that. As a matter of fact, there was this young lady that i was trying to pursue. I wanted what she had, and i was willing to go to any lengths to get it. She was a member of a Baptist choir, so I joined the Baptist choir in order to be closer to her. The Baptist choir got loaned out to a Methodist church at one time. At any point in time, on any Sunday morning, this is a spiritual talk, on every Sunday morning I was a failed Catholic who was a practicing Muslim singing in a Baptist choir in a Methodist church. I was one of those kind of guys that was looking for the religion that would allow me to be a complete asshole and still get into heaven. I used to argue with Jehovah's Witnesses in my underwear with a bottle of Colt 45 and win. They would leave, okay? That was my religious upbringing. So when I saw this start with a prayer, end with a pray, and passed the basket, I immediately knew that you were a cult, you were game, you were a scam. Because in every one of those religions I had practiced, I avoided those people that did a good third step. I always hung out with the people who were half measuring it because they were easy to spot and they're easy to judge and it's comfortable. If you hang out with folks that have made a commitment to something, it's really uncomfortable to be with them when you haven't. You know, if you're not feeling comfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, it ain't AlcoholicsAnonymous that's the problem. You know, that's the deal Because if you ain't having fun in here And having a good heart and a sound mind You're doing it wrong You're dealing with a lot of people You're feeling it wrong Because there are a lot Of people in here That are having that experience And there were a lot Of people In every one Of those religions That I encountered That was having That experience But I just didn't hang With them But I was hanging With you Because you people Were strange There was something About you Even though I didn't trust you It was something That was drawing me You were very Very attractive You had an enthusiasm And you were talking A language That I could understand So I hung out With them people For a year Now, I'm going to tell you, if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, an AA group is cunning, baffling, and powerful. They will make you do stuff you don't want to do. They made me the coffee maker. I make terrible coffee. I still make terrible copy to this day. I make coffee so bad that I made it for the Japanese one time their eyes almost rounded out. They asked me to be a coffee maker for two weeks. I would get there two hours early for a 45 minute commitment because I'm thinking, drunks are going to die oh my god, I got to make the coffee they were about 16 people that went to this home group 16 so I figured, 16 little Mule Oil caps to go in that thing I wasn't making espresso, I wasn'T making coffee for two weeks they drank that nasty stuff we got in a circle and said the Lord's Prayer they said we need another coffee we're going to make it three people volunteered it, you know. Thank you Sterling, keep coming back. I stole my first big book. Now we're in northern Japan, big books are kind of hard to come by. We're in northern Japan, I stole my first Big Book. They gave me wrong page numbers to read. I'd say they said well where's that thing on acceptance? Oh it's on 443. You know? And I would read all this stuff and I'd say it wasn't on 444 and they'd say oh well sorry. They tricked me into reading the The first 164 pages of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. They made me the chairperson that I would start to meet. I had to gavel to start the meeting. And I thought it was because I was so eloquent. But I was the sickest son of a gun in there. And they needed fresh meat. So they figured the only way I was going to stay was to put me in the front. I started the meeting and they would spend the rest of the meeting 12-stepping me. That was my first year's experience in AlcoholicsAnonymous. I got loved into this fellowship. They told me the truth. They never held anything back for me. It was a lot of stuff I heard, a lot Of stuff I read, but those people were interesting People, I can still see them in my mind I have seen those people time And time and time and again in every meeting Of Alcoholics Anonymous, the faces have changed The names have changed, but they're the same alcoholics I met, just like the ones I met that First year. Kathy was the one I used to Call at 3 o'clock in the morning when I was Suicide. Suicide hour for me is 3 I don't know what suicide hour is for you But I run out of solutions at 3 O'clock. It's going to be the rope of the river for me at 3 o'clock in the morning. And I would call Kathy up and I'd go, and she would always answer the phone and never, never once did she chastise me for the time or the hour. She always listened to what I had to say and she said, well, Sterling, if we can do something about it tomorrow, maybe we should do this and that and the other. If not, I'll see you at the meeting. Just take it easy for now. There's nothing we can really do about it now. Okay, okay. And I'd hang up the phone. Now, I'm real quick to tell you what time of the morning it is when you call me. But I don't do it because I owe Kathy. See, I owe big time. I owe Alcoholics Anonymous big time and I owe Kathy that. So I try to exhibit that same kind of kindness. You can ask the guys I sponsor. Most of the time I'm cool. You know, most of the times. Once in a while they catch me on a bad day but for the most part I'm good. The thing is there was a guy named George. George was about six. George wasn't as big as Dennis and Arnold. It was just He was a big, he was a white dude, but he was big. He had a big beard and he was in the Navy. And he liked hugging folks. Now I'm from New York. You another man, you ain't going to be hugging me. I'm sorry. Now George would chase me around a little room, a little room to hug me. And one day he caught me and I fell hugged. I mean, you were safe in this guy's arms and he was a great guy. Big dude, you know? Now I am six, seven months old thinking I'm gay. Because I'm really enjoying George's hugs, you know? These are great hugs, man. I'm not even coming for the beating anymore. I'm just coming for George's hug, you don't? I'm realy worried. I got a daughter and a wife and I'm gay! Now if you do it Alcoholics Anonymous, I know you have a lot of crazy thoughts. Don't worry about it. Don't Worry About It. Share them crazy thoughts with one of the guys that's been around here a little while, you know. You don't have to do it in the meeting. You can do it like when you had coffee, just whisper to him, Joe, I think I'm gay. And if he's been Around AA a while, he'll have a couple of questions for you. He'll ask you questions and you can resolve this insane thought right then and there, you know. But I was keeping it to myself because I ain't asking a whole lot of questions. I'm still trying to figure out who these two white guys are up on the wall. You know, I'm not sure what's going on here. You know, I got a lot of things going on there. But I spent a year in that place, and I loved Alcoholics Anonymous. They treated me real special there, you know? And I'm coming back to the States. I'm on fire about AA. I don't have a sponsor. The reason why I don'T have a sponSor is because there was this guy that was five years sober, Pete. His name was Pete. And he was a hardcore Navy drunk, two-fisted drunk. And he loved AA. He was five-years sober. He quit smoking, lost weight, loved the big book, kind of, you know, five years, so crazy. And I wanted Pete for a sponsor, but I was afraid to ask him because if he said no, I wouldn't have been able to go back to that meeting. It was the only meeting on the base. So I kind of used Pete without ever asking him to be a sponsor. I didn't really have a sponsor and I had no experience with the steps. I didn' t have any of the stuff that's the foundation of this program when I came back other than that I had your fellowship and I knew what AA was sort of all about. It was a secret society full of drunks. And I loved it because they treated me real special. But I thought I had one problem, one minor problem that I was going to fix when I got back to the States. It just wasn't enough African Americans and alcoholics, namas, as far as I was concerned. See, so when I came back to the States in 1982, hey, I was going to dedicate my life to getting millions of black folks in there, hey! See, I Was going to get another picture up on that wall. It was going to be Bill, Bob, and in the middle, Sterling, hey, hey. The next generation, you know? I rewrite that book later you know I got back to D.C., I was staying in D. my wife was from D.c., I got back to D。 and went to a meeting down in the bad neighborhood on the southeast side of D. C. it was a big, I don't know club I don' t even think it's still there anymore but there was thousands of black folks now it seemed like to me, many of them so belonging to me which pissed me off see I got a little ego problem and he's always trying to get me to throw it in the trash can, but I just keep picking it back up, dusting it off and putting it back where it needs to be. Cause I like having that illegal problem. I blow everything up and it just gets huge, you know, but he's always trying to get me to not do that. He's really good at it most days, you knows? So I came back to the States. I went to me, I never got, somebody reminded me of this is that I never give up a home group. And somebody, somebody gave me a great gift just before I started speaking today. Um, I never gave up a home group. That group was the Masawa Group, and it's still going strong in northern Japan. I came back to the dedication group in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. I'm a member in good standing of the Overtimers Group in Colorado Springs, Colorado, the Rantoul Family Group in Rantoula, Illinois, the McClellan Thursday Night Group in Sacramento, California, and the Foxhall Group in Bellevue, Nebraska. See, I remember all of those home groups, and I remember many of the people in all those home groups because I regularly attended those home groups. And I'm going to tell you if you knew how you can determine if you're in your home group or not. When you walk in the door of your home group, and you walk up to the resident old-timer, and they look at you and they go, oh, Jesus. That's your home group. Because they know you. If you walk up to your home groups and you go, to the old- timer, and he hands you his phone number, they don't know you That ain't your home group. You've got to get in there long enough to be a burden to the people that have been there longer than you. And that's what I did. When I got back to the dedication group, I had a big mouth and I liked to be seen. And just like another person got elected, I went to the bathroom and came back to alternate GSR. And I knew how to spell it because that's with GSR, I knew How to Spell It. So I would walk around the meeting, dedication group. Hi, how are you doing? I'm the alternate GSAR for this meeting. And they'd say, well, what's that? I'd go, Jim, you want to come over and tell them what the job is? Because I hadn't been in there a meeting. I'm just walking around with a title. That group was very motivated in doing a service to the treatment center that was there at Fort Walton Beach at Eglin Air Force Base. I was very active in carrying the message to young people. I had worked one, two, and three. It was getting really weird, so I knew I needed to do a fourth step. And I got an opinion. I got a theory about a fourth steps. My theory is it takes however long it takes for you to do a fourth step at a night because whatever needs to go down on that piece of paper will go down on that peace paper that night you know and that's what it was for me i had to write i had to write it all out and i had a dump it and i knew i didn't want to do a fifth step with somebody who's going to rat me out so because i'd grown up a catholic i knew I could deal deal with do this with a priest and he wouldn't be able to spill and it must have worked because it kept me here and i was able to maintain some activity there at the dedication group for about a year and then I got shipped out. I would like to tell you that the first five years of my program was stellar, but it wasn't, not by a long shot. I mean, I was really loving you all, and I was wirklich a big man running around AA campus the first 5 years going through the meetings, and I went to meetings all the time. Peggy says meeting makers make it, and I believe that because that's the only thing that saved my behind because I was not bringing this program. We're supposed to be, according to the book, we're supposed be bringing this thing to the home. We're supposed to be intensifying our efforts in the home, according to the family afterwards. Now, all she had was a sober asshole to live with. She wasn't seeing no significant change. I was still a jerk with my kid. I was Still angry, irritable, and discontented at work sometimes. But when I was in AA, hey, I'm cool. Because I was playing the game. I was loving the fellowship, but the program was eking away from me, and I was dying. By the time I got to five years sober, I was insane. I was dry. You know? And I was either going to kill myself or get a sponsor. Equally tragic decisions as far as I was concerned. See, that's the deal for me. Says so in the book. You know, the doom to alcoholic death or embracing a spiritual life is tough alternatives to face. Isn't that something? So I decided I'd get a sponsor first, and I'd kill myself later if it didn't work. And God had a sense of humor, sent me to Bellevue, Nebraska. Now, it doesn't sound like A.A. Mecca, you know? It just doesn't make sense to me. Akron, maybe, Columbus, Chicago would like to claim it, but, you know, maybe not. You know, I just didn't think it was going to be a good deal. And I met this man when I went to a meeting in BellevUE, Nebraska, went to this meeting, and all these people were happy. big smiles shaking hands how you doing hey you want a cup of coffee here have a seat we're gonna start the meeting in a few minutes bunches and bunches of bunches all dressed up shirt tied dresses all looking piss me off they had newcomers reading and stuff you know that's blasphemy you don't be doing stuff like that you gotta be sober a little while before you put somebody up there to read what's up with you you know I was judging the hell out of this meeting met this man he shook my hand and he pulled a meeting schedule out, and he said, if you want to hide in AA, don't go to these meetings. And he handed me the meeting schedule. Now I was pissed off. How dare you? Now I'm going to give you a little clue. If you don't have a sponsor, and you're taking somebody's inventory, they're going to piss you off, and your taking their inventory that day, and taking their inventories the next day, you might as well get them for a sponsor. Because if they're going to spend that much time up in your head, at least they can do some cleaning while they're up there. So I asked this man, now I was told in many a discussion meeting that often the person that is getting the help isn't getting as helped as much as the person that's giving the help. So, I was figuring that whoever I asked to be sponsored would truly be honored. He made me say, please, piss me off. He also told me something else, that his home group, which would be likely to be my home group, we wear a shirt and tie to the meeting. Now I'm one of those kind of people that wear a skirt and tie to a brothel, you know? I'd wear ashirt and tie into the worst ugliest, dirtiest Korean bar possible just so I could feel better than. And his man is asking me to wear a Shirt and Tie to a place where I'm going to get spiritual help and salvation and arrest my alcoholism, and I got a resentment. That's the kind of person I am. I can tell you, Tuesday night, I'd be putting that tie on, I be complaining about these AA Nazi sons wearing this shirt and tie. I don't need to do this stuff, me walking around with these people with this enthusiasm. You know? I can go to AA meetings where they're all sitting around pissed off the way AA is supposed to be. I've got five years of sobriety. I'm going to meet this mess, you know, walking in. And I'll pull into the parking lot, and I say, I'm gonna fire him. Ima fire all these men. No, no way. No way. I am not doing this no more. And get down them stairs, and shake a few hands and I say, I'm just going to tell after the meeting. I'll tell him after the meeting, he's gone. He's out of here. I'm going to go to meetings where I can be anonymous for Christ's sake. I're tired of this bull. And by the time Howard Works got finished reading, I was in love with everybody. In love with everybody. Now, I don't know if that's your experience, but that's how it is for me sometimes today. I go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and if I feel like I'm different and I don' t let go of that, I' m different. And if I stay different long enough, I will different my butt right out of here. And that ain't the way to live. That ain't a way I can live. So I love my home group. I do. 450 people. They're crazy. We sing happy birthday. We give cakes. It's silly as hell. But we carry the message. We have speakers and we talk and we share. And they got me involved in doing stuff. They said, let's go to Manhattan, Kansas. Why? I ain't never, I'm from New York. I ain'T never been to Manhattan. I don't need to see nobody in manhattan kansas i would go to them go with them to manhattan kansas and we shake hands and grab ass and have it's a caravan of clowns in manhatten kansas just having a wonderful time then he said let's go to the prison why i don't want to go to prison i damn sure don't want to do they say let's going to prison so i walk into prison the prison yard we carrying meetings of the prison and all these people sitting there looking at me and they inmates and i'm not and i'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON AND WE CARRY A MESSAGE MEETINGS INTO prison. Let's go up north, let's go to a roundup. Why? So we could have some fun and they were doing all this stuff and they dragged me along and I fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous and I got enthusiastic about it and that man helped me go through the steps and that man gave me some principles to live by in my home because she's still not thrilled with me now. I'm AA mad about campus but she ain't happy and he's giving me stuff to do. Like, shut up. That's a spiritual axiom. I thought it was my job to make sure she knew what her character defects were. Because see, I'm the one that's sober. And she needs a program of her own, but she doesn't have one. And I thought that since she didn't have One, I could be her higher power. And she wasn't buying that. And he was trying to keep me from doing that. And he taught me how to be a principled man in my home and to do what was in front of me to do, to do the housework and to do that kind of stuff so that I could live as a man in that house. And I did that successfully for a couple of years. A couple, three, four, nine years. I was nine years sober when I finally climbed upstairs one evening and asked her if she wanted to remain married to me, and she said no. And I was crushed. I felt like a failure as a man and failure as father and failure as an AA member and failure as an employee. I had all that stuff going right here. It was kicking my butt. And I went to the meeting, and of course, you know, the kind people that we have in AA tenderly reminded me. You know, I remember it was said, oh, we're real blessed to have the only man ever to get a divorce in AA, you know? And I had to pan that room, and I had to look and discover that many of those men had been married more than once, and they were still sober. See, I know when you've got a problem in alcoholics, now, when you're in AA and you've Got a Problem, you think you're the only one with that problem if you don't share it you are if you share it with somebody you're gonna find out a lot of other people have had that problem and some of them is so belonging to you and they're going to be able to get you through it the dignity that i see people go through sobriety with when they got major problems whether the problems be sons dying daughters in trouble jail time tax issues financial problems, no matter what it is it's life. They walk in these rooms and they carry this message they give a card or give a phone number to somebody else and they make the coffee or they mop the floor or they put the chairs up and they do it with dignity and they smile on their face and they shake newcomers hands that I admire, that's courage that's courageously walking through your life and I'm not built with that kind of courage I drank to get that kind of courage and what you give me by your example is the courage to get through my piddly little stuff. I got through that divorce by doing an inventory on what kind of person I was in a relationship and vowing that I would not do that anymore. And when God has a sense of humor, he gave me another person to share this kind of information with a relationship to start with another woman. So I got another relationship started with a woman I'm dating and I really care a lot about her. I got an opportunity to do television in this town as a weather forecaster. That was my job in the military. And I was on TV now, so I was getting somewhat famous. hi, how you doing? Partly cloudy, you know. So now I'm famous and I'm sponsoring a couple of guys and I've got a relationship and the job is coming together and everything is just working and the Air Force decided to screw all that up and send me out west. They wanted to re-sign me to Sacramento, California. I didn't want to go, but you got to go. And I knew God had a plan for me, you knows, and I am self-centered. I am extremely selfish. So I always got to figure out what God has for me. And I figured that the reason why he was sending me out to Sacramento is because I done got this Fox Hall message now, so I must be going out to Sacramentum. There must be thousands of drunks dying out there in Sacramento. So I'm going to come in and ride out of Reno and save everybody. You know, I've got a message of salvation for them. So I got in my four-banger Nissan Stanza and headed towards the Rocky Mountains to come out of the Rockies and save everybody in California, Northern California. Well, the transmission fell out of that sucker in Cheyenne, Wyoming I found three things a Laquita Inn, an Amco station and right down the end of Main Street it's an Alano Club I walked in the door, picture these two old white guys guy named Jim always a guy named Jimmy every Alano club I've ever been in is a guy named Jim there was another guy named Doc and I went to a couple of meetings there and they sent me to Sacramento California without a car I had to fly in during the worst rainy season in Sacramento history and Reggie had given me three numbers of some people who were active in Sacramento, California, been active and sober in AA. And you would think with almost 11 years of sobriety that I would have immediately called these folks and gotten in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sacramento. But something happened. I got scared. And when you get scared, it stops. Whatever you're doing stops when you're getting scared. You know, whether you're growing or going or doing whatever you're doign, whenever you get scared, it stopped. And I started going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sacramento and I was judging the means because they were doing it different and I Was really getting lonely and angry and irritable and I'd call him up whining and thank God this guy called me up one afternoon decided to say goodbye because he was going to commit suicide he said Sterling I'd like to tell you goodbye nice meeting you I'm going to kill myself I said well hang up he said why so I can call the police so they come over there and get you you know It was really a call for help. I ended up spending the day with him, and because of my willingness to help a newcomer, because of the thing that you had taught me, the doctrine about one drunk relating to another, because I knew that well, I had heard it so many times in meetings, I applied it, and it drew me back into the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, that guy made me take him to meetings. And I don't know, he's not sober today. I'm not even sure he's alive. But the fact of the matter is, I got back into The Fold of Alcoholic Anonymous I would go down to this speaker meeting in Sacramento, California, and I would vacuum the meeting hall after the speaker meeting was over. I didn't vacuum my apartment, but I vacuumed that damn floor every Saturday night because I needed to be a part of. And I gradually got back into the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the safest place to be if you're in AA because there's a lot of people you're going to come in contact with when you're In the Middle of Alcoholic Anonymous. I spent five years in Sacramento, California, and I retired out of the Air Force out of Sacramento, California, and I came back to Omaha, Nebraska. See, because I loved the fellowship here in Omaha. I loved the people that I had met. I spent about five or six years getting to know them. And it was my family as far as I was concerned. And I had married that lady that I was dating. So now my family was here, my sponsor was here. The fellowship I craved was here when I retired out ofthe Air Force. I came back in 1997 on fire. Ready? I'm back! and I had to learn how to live in a family. You know, I had been doing this thing on my own for a while, and I hadn't learned how to love people and be vulnerable in front of people. It was really tough. I mean, she was expecting a husband. What she got was an AA member that didn't know how to stay home, you know? And I had learned howto stay home. And I had to learn how to be respectful of a 16-year-old young man, 16, like rap music, her son. We were going to be two men living in the same house. And I Had to Learn How to Apply Principles. I had To Learn How To Mind My Own Business. I Had To LearnHowToKeepMyMouthShut. I HadToLearnHowToLoveUnconditionally. That was a tough prospect for somebody who's chronically self-centered. You know, I mean, you need a lot of help when you're chronically self-centered. And that's what I was. And I called him a lot times and he gave me some great advice. And I applied some of it. And our relationship got better. I have his respect today. That's, I have His respect today when He has a problem. He calls me and that's why His father is still in the picture. but I'm just a person that he knows he can get the truth from I'm chronically self-centered I'm inherently dishonest and I have people in my life that come to me and ask me questions because they know I will tell them the truth that's amazing that is truly, truly amazing I got a job selling radio in this market and three or four months into the job I slipped and broke my ankle in five places I was down me and him spent a lot of time together I watched a lot of BET during that time you know and watching them and sitting with him and I was insane because I was at home now with a broken ankle and I had no job I got back into that job, got back on my feet got back in that job got fired I remember the week that I got fired from that job I also got fired by a pigeon and I turned, I think it was 17 years sober and got fired by my job and fired by a pigeon. It was a bad week. A week later, I went back to Washington, D.C., to see my daughter graduate from high school. She's a valedictorian of Duke Ellington High School. Marion Berry was the mayor at that time, put the National Merit Scholarship around her neck. Eleanor Holmes Norton gave an address at that graduation. It's a prestigious school. And my daughter gave a valedoctorian speech, and in that speech, she said something about her dad. She wanted to thank her dad for his kindness and his encouragement. That's what she said in front of all these white and black folks, about me. And I'm not kind and encouraging. Ask the guys I sponsor. You know, it's because of you that she was able to make that statement. I was very, very, VERY proud of her. I I was even prouder when I got an opportunity to speak in Maryland, and she came out to spend Father's Day with me, and I was doing something similar to this. She sat right down there in the front and listened to it. She watched you all, and you were all on your best behavior. I was very, very proud, very, proud. I'm equally proud today to be a part of a bunch of men that my sponsor sponsors that Never cease to impress the hell out of me. Never cease to impress the hell out of me with their efforts, their actions, the things they do, including one back there. You know? I mean, it's just, I'm overwhelmed by that. And it's only as a result of being in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's only as a result of hanging out here and doing the deal. See, I don't have a lot. I owe a lot, but I don't have a lot. But I'm laying it all on the line. I have to lay it all in the line in order to stay sober today. I have to be available and accountable to Alcoholics Anonymous or else I'm screwed. I don't have I won't have the life that I have today unless I come in here and I lay it on the lines and I'm willing to give it to anyone and everyone that comes in my eyesight. It doesn't matter whether you take it, it only matters that I give it. You know, I got to get involved in a different kind of fellowship. I moved into another part of town and I had to spend some time with people that I'm just starting to get to know again. I got the fellowship that I crave, but I also have. This town is big, and there are a lot of meetings here. A lot of meeting's here. And there are lot of people that maybe should be here, but aren't here. But I know some of the people that are. I'm intimately involved with a lot of the men that are in this room. Now, I don't know if you understand that if you're new in AA, or I don' t know if your old in AA. I'm Intimately Involved with the Men in this Room. they know me and I know them and we've shared some stories and we shared some laughter and we share some tears and it's all real it's all real you know we get to walk shoulder to shoulder through the tough times in our life we get the cry on each other's shoulders we get to swap lives and tell and have some fun and all of that stuff but the bottom line when we go back out there in the world we're men we're men that people sometimes look up to we're men that people often need We're men that don't disappoint anymore. That's amazing. There are so many. Old timer told me in Sacramento, there's at least seven other people get affected by your alcoholism. And that's how many people should be affected by my recovery. I'm responsible for that. Nobody's going to get up and do this over day for me. I've got to do it. And I've Got to lay it on the line. And I got to Do it with as much enthusiasm, which be as loud and as raucous about this message as I possibly can. Because the only way I'm going to save my own behind is to make sure you all know that I'm happy as hell to be sober. And I'm willing to do anything necessary to stay that way. I've worked with a lot of guys. I got a chance in Sacramento to work with some of the sickest men I've ever met. And they were just like me. And they made me climb right into that big book. They made me study and they made мне work because I wanted an answer for them. Like I heard last night, I'm at my best when I'm with you. I want you to get that AA message. That AA message is clear and profound, and I don't want to screw it up with my personality. What I want is to give you that message because they gave it to me, and it's for free. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't believe that we have what we have here, you've got to stick around, man. And I'm going to tell you, if you don'T believe you're an alcoholic, here's a secret for you. If you've ever heard anybody that claimed that they were an alcoholic go on and on and on, like I've been going on and on about alcoholism or whatever, and you do this, guess what? You're an alcoholic. Because only an alcoholic does this when an alcoholic's talking. Al-Anons do this. But that's the bottom line. One drunk relating to another is a legacy that Bill and Bob gave to us. And one drunk relating to another is the way we're going to go into the next millennium carrying the message to alcoholics that suffer. One drunk related to another. Having these things where we go one-on-one, eyeball to eyeball, and sharing our experience, strength, and hope is how this thing's going to survive. And it's my responsibility because I've been here a few 24 hours. They've left a great legacy to me. The book has been written. We change it every once in a while the story is wise, but it's been written The information is there, the activity is in front of us, the job is ahead of us and we have the ability and the capacity to accomplish the deal. All we have to do is keep the willingness and that's what this weekend was all about to me. This good life that we're living involves and requires a certain amount of willingness and I've been impressed by the willingness that my brother pigeons have exhibited and my sponsors exhibited in trying to bring this event to you and I've been humbled by the willingness of those that I've come in contact with to share their stories and their lives with me through my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope that I can measure up with the amount of willingness to carry the message to whomever I need to come in contract with to let them know that this is a place of love, that this a place hope, this is place of healing, but this is also a place where you gotta work. You gotta work because you get none of that by sitting on your butt. I'll close with a story that really personifies what Alcoholics Anonymous has done with me. A guy was trying to paint his house and had a two-year-old hep in him, and the two-years-old really wasn't much of a hep. Two-years old's generally aren't much a hep, but the fact, he decided that he needed to get a magazine, he saw a magazine with the pictures of the continents, the five continents, seven continents on the planet. He tore it up into pieces and told her to go in the next room and put this puzzle together, thinking that it would take her a long time and he'd get his work done. She came scampering out in about five minutes. Finished. He said, now that's amazing. This kid is pretty smart. I don't know where some of them places are supposed to go. How did you do it so fast? She said, well there was a picture of a man on the other side. I put the man together and the world came together. See, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with our old ideas, attitudes, difficulties, problems, biases. You told me that's fine Sterling. We know you got a lot of problems and you've been probably abused and oppressed most of your life. Let's put all that aside. Let's give you a God that loves you, totally and unconditionally. Let's get your program full of people that will give you the support you need and remind you how special yet a part of you are. Let us give you tools that you can apply in your daily life that'll keep you the right size and keep people from being a victim of your personality. And armed with all of that let's take that and go back out in the world and tackle it with all its problems. I am grateful, but I'm also responsible. I'm humbled, but I'm all so excited. I'm anxious and I'm alive. And most important I'm sober. Do this thing to the best of your ability because there's love in store for you. And I'll see you all on the journey. I'm grateful to be here and sober. Thank you.