The Difference Between a Religion and a Spiritual Program – Sandy B.

Hi everybody, my name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. How are you all doing? Oh wow! Jill, I've heard my story so I don't blame you for getting a ride to... Get out of here before all this hot air starts. Anyway, I want to thank the committee and the other speakers have just been wonderful. It's just what a remarkable weekend. And Tamara Francine, who I've known for I think all the years she's been sober, is a remarkable woman in AA and just brings all the dignity to the program that we welcome. And it's so nice to see all this. I was speaking at dinner and some of the younger people were telling me that I think that there was a shift going on in AA to return to the basics. And I've noticed it myself and I think it's wonderful. I think it's just a, couldn't make me happier. Anyway, I got sober, yeah, thanks. I got sobre in Washington, D.C. on December 7th, 1964, and I've had the same sponsor for the whole time. His name is Bill T., lives in Virginia, but he has lung cancer, and it's a real struggle for him to get around. But he's still active. His home group comes over and takes him over to the meeting every day at noon. And he's Still as Mean as Ever. And we're praying and praying because we're going to try and make 50 years together. Wouldn't that be something to have the same sponsor for 50 years? But anyway, I'm going to just tell a very short version of my story because I like talking about AA so much. And so that's what I'll do if it's all right. If it isn't, I'll go ahead and do it anyway. Let's see. I grew up in New Haven, Connecticut, had the shock effect of the Catholic Church. I saw the crucifix when I was nine and what it spoke to me, it said, little boy, do you see this? And I said, yes. Well, this is what God did to his only son that he loved. Guess what he's going to do to you now? That's that's not what the church taught, but that's what I saw. And so when we see things, this is our story. It is the version of reality that we tell ourselves. And so I found it quite frightening and I never found any comfort in the idea of God or of a God. And as soon as I was old enough where my parents were no longer around, I just stopped going because it was too painful. And besides, I had started drinking and I couldn't get out of bed on Sunday morning. So that kind of let that all out. I got one sister. She's got 29 years in AA. So we became pretty close friends. I was a good student. I went to a little prep school in New Haven. I was an athlete, had very high grades. That school pumped right into Yale University, which is where I grew up. It was the hometown school. I don't think I really realized it was important until I left. You know, it was just, oh, yeah, that's if I used to work on their buildings and construction and all that. But when I got there, I found all these guys from around the country, and they seemed to be all rich. They seemed to all know what's going on, and they were cool, and it was so much superior to me that I felt like I ought to quit. It was just too much. It was intimidating. And I was not drinking. I was going to continue to get high grades, and I was trying out for the track team. But I was very nervous. It was very uncomfortable just to be in my skin. And I'd been there about a month, and I went to this event to meet other guys. Our names were typed up on a list, and this was very hard for me to walk into a room and Just say hello to people. But that night I said, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to just be like I'm one of them. I'm gonna really do this. I'm really overcome this insecurity and this fear and I walked in and I just had all this energy and I started towards the first group and they turned around and you know how people can speak with their eyes and they looked at me and I could see it stopped me right in my tracks the energy from six guys looking at me saying so clearly you couldn't miss it we don't want to know you don't come over to this group we have enough friends stay away i was like whoa god that hurt it was just you know so i looked over here and these guys were doing the same thing and so then i went to the ones in the back and they it got contagious and as i went around the whole room gave me a clear signal that the last person they would ever want to know was me so i never met anyone and i went up and there was a bartender and i said geez my roommate said this stuff makes you feel good maybe i'll have a drink so i had one it didn't make me feel good i had another one didn't made me feel good and i was halfway through the third one i said maybe it doesn't work vastly overrated this alcohol stuff and i turned around like i was leaving and i looked out and it was a miracle. All those mean guys had been replaced by friendly guys, and I started looking in their eyes, and everyone in that room wanted to be my best friend, and i couldn't believe it. I saw this. It was just wonderful, and oh my god, where am i going? I got to start meeting all these people and as i started walking over to the first group i found myself agreeing with them they would be lucky to know me and i intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me i knew how to make small talk i was myself hello hello hello where are you from blah blah blah and i just talked and talked and all these people and they're smiling and laughing they were so happy to see me. And after a while, they started leaving and I'm trying to stop them. No, no, no, don't leave. We're having a great time here. Pretty soon, they're all gone and I am left with the bartender. And I remember going, so this is the world that the people have been talking about. I should have started drinking in grammar school. This is unbelievable. I had no idea the world was this nice. It was so friendly and, God, it just felt wonderful And I went back to the bartender and I said, well, if three drinks does that, what would 20 drinks do? It didn't take me long to figure this out. So later that night, I'm throwing up and I'm dying and I am just lying on the floor in the bathroom. And the sun came up. I sat on my bed and my head felt like it had a hatchet. You all know what I am talking about. Your skin hurts. Your hair hurts. Shake hands. Dry heaving and all that. And a thought occurred to me, are you going to drink again tonight? And that took a half a second. I said, yes, I am. I said this feeling like you're going to die and throwing up and all this pain is a small price to pay for what I had last night. Because what I hade last night is the secret of life. I had found access to a world that was great to live in. And I didn't, you know, so I could hardly wait from then on for the mundane day to get over so that I could go join the real world at 5 or 6 o'clock. And boy, when I walked into that bar, it was just like Alice in Wonderland. I said, well, here I come. And about two drinks and I was there. And that's, I just loved it. I love people, I love myself. It was as if my creativity was blocked by all my insecurity and my fears and all of that. And now I was free to be me. I was now, I was 100% me. And when I was sober, I Was Trapped in There. And it was very, it was like Clancy said. It was black and white when I was sober and it was technicolor when I had three drinks. It was just the greatest. So all the things that people told me, if you drink a lot, you know, you'll probably lose your high grades and get in trouble and get into fights. All of that started happening. I started getting very low grades, no more athletics. I just wanted to drink. It was the greatest, and I barely graduated. and the Korean War was going on, the draft and a bunch of guys said well let's not get drafted, let's go join the Marine Corps. I had a beer went down, joined the Marine Corp and boot camp was sort of a wow, that was a shock what's wrong with these guys? I remember saying to myself, they're too intense they're just too intense here relax guys, there's a golf course on this base, I know and doesn't look like we're going to see it. And I got through that, and it took six months to become an infantry lieutenant, and then I saw a movie about pilots. That was very intriguing. I'd never been in an airplane, but I said there's something about that that looks great. So I signed up for it, and I made it and graduated from the basic school with orders to flight school. I got married, lovely lady, and we went off to Pensacola, Florida for 18 months of training. And I got airsick on the DC-3 flying into Atlanta. I got Airsickon the DC three flying into Pensacolo and I got airstick in the SNJ for the first five flights. And my instructor said, our son, I just don't think you're going to make it. But the motion sickness went away and I started doing very well. I would be number two in my class, number three as we go through all the phases of formation and knife flying and carrier work and all that. I had found the perfect deal for me. So they were giving out regular commissions right at that time, and I got one. So now I am a career officer. I'm off to Japan for my fighter squadron. And I finished a tour over there. It was the greatest. All the pilots drank together. The colonel ordered the drinks. We sat around a table. It was a unit, and it just was wonderful. I loved it. And I was out at the end of the runway about halfway through that tour with one of my heroes in the squadron, a big redheaded Irish major who was the maintenance officer, and we were practicing carrier landings, and we Were watching some of the guys in our squadron practice on the field. and he was talking about in 18 months he'd be a lieutenant colonel and he's going to get a fighter squadron the best in the Marine Corps and he said I want you and of course the young first lieutenant I just was like oh my god it doesn't get any better than that and then he said but I wouldn't let you drink now this is a guy I'm getting drunk with all the time we're all out drinking we're partying and all that. I never understood that comment until I got to AA, and I realized that as an alcoholic, my drinking scared heavy drinkers. You know what I mean? We drink with an intensity that is way above guys that are overseas partying until they get home when they're going to go back to regular drinking and i scared him and i had no idea that i was different from heavy drinking partying guys you know what i mean it was like that so that was my alcoholism uh so the only story i'm going to tell is how i got my orders from at sugi japan back to camp pennel in california that was My next assignment was a forward air controller and then I'm going to just get on to getting in AA and talking about AA. I have my orders, I'm coming home, going to see my wife and new child who are in Connecticut staying with my parents at Yokosuka, Japan where you stage out and you stay in that Navy base in the barracks and they go now gentlemen, at a moment's notice you'll be assigned to a flight out of Anita Airport back to San Francisco. So don't be wandering all around the base. Don't be going to all these places. We have to be able to get a hold of you. Boom, boom. So I'm going, okay, okay. Well, like two days go by and I'm starting to say to myself, well, what the heck is this? I can't stay in here. Certainly you can make it over to the officer's club and back. Have a drink. So I am over to the officer's Club back. And then I go over to club, have two drinks and back. There's still nobody calling us. So the word, the rumors are going, it could be a week. So I'm going, you know, I should go back into Yokohama, which is about 40 minutes away by cab and say goodbye to all those bars again. You know, we had all these bars that we drank in. So, I went down one afternoon, got in the cab and I raced into Yokahama. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, all the really dumpy joints. And I'm in there, goodbye, goodbye. Get back in the cab and I make it back, no problem. So I do that one more time. Only this time I just get wasted in Yokohama. Now I wake up and I see the sun coming through the window and I have no idea where I am. And I am just lying in bed. You know how you've had those days when you go, I wonder where I are. and I'm in an octagonal room. It's not very wide. It's just got eight, I remember looking, it has eight walls and then I'm looking more closely and it's got drapes with Navy wheels on them, ship's wheels. So I thought Navy, probably Navy. Well, I'm on a Navy base. Still don't know where I am. Then I can hear noises down below, voices talking. So I finally get up with a splitting headache. I got my uniform on, and there's a spiral iron staircase going down. I'm in the guard shack of the gate at Yakuska. As a matter of fact, I'm In the Officer of the Day's bed. And when I look a little closer, there's an image of me in the office of the day. There's a note on my uniform from the officer of the today addressed to me saying what a disgrace i am that i came in in a cab at 3 a.m they opened the door i fell out on the street and i had to be carried in i was swearing i didn't have any money to give the cab driver or all these things so they had to pay for that and i missed my flight back to the states and go see the admiral at 10 this morning so that's what i woke up to so this is what you call back in the drinking days, a problem. My God, what am I going to do? What am I gonna do? And then I remembered back in the locker where I was, there was a couple of beers and anytime you're trying to solve a problem, you go get two beers and generally you can come up with something. So I went back and I drank the two beers down and now I started feeling a little bit better and I had all my stuff in the sea bag. So I'm going to go back to the front gate and I said, how long to go to the bus to anita leave and they said oh about two hours and i went two hours hell i can make it there in a cab before they get there so i went in and signed my own orders and just ordered a cab and took off and i got to anida before the bus and i when in and checked in nobody saw the mistake or anything like that and uh there goes my c bag it's loaded on fill out these forms go over here you got to do this so I'm bump bump bump now I got a beer and a cigarette and I'm sitting there when the bus arrives with my buddies and I said where you guys been let me tell you what you do you gotto go over there first and then you go over here and then you go over there you know I felt so cool that I had beaten the odds and never did get caught on that I guess they probably said well he's back in the States and It's too much trouble to go get them. So now I come to San Francisco, and I've got about $400 in cash, special pay, so that I can buy an airline ticket and fly back. I go to the Marine Memorial on Sutter Street in San Francisco which is a building the Marine Corps owns, and party in there. And I call my wife and I say, I'm going out to the airport tomorrow. I will call you with the flight into New York, and you can meet me. Oh, great, great. So I drank and drank and drink, and now I wake up on a train going into Los Angeles. And it's Sunday morning, and I have no money left. The 300 bucks is gone. So it's like, oh, another problem. I mean, you know what I mean? This is the type of thing that you just sort of handle on a routine basis. And so I get off the train, and i'm carrying this sea bag, and it's hot and all that. Well, back then the military was looked on pretty favorably because World War II, there was all the heroes. So if you like I need to ride to the airport, the cabbie said, I'll take you out there. No charge. And I say, yeah, you know, this and that. I get to the Airport and I'm shaking and hurting. So I go to the bar and I start waiting for people to go to bathroom. And then I drink the balance of their drink. They stop shaking. You know what I mean? And once I had a couple drinks, then I could carry on conversations with people. You know, hey, how you doing? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know. Like, I don't have a problem. I'm just here talking and chit-chatting. And then somebody finally loaned me $5 so I could start buying my own drinks for a while. And when I got to the right level, I went over to the airline counter with the coverage that you get from drinking. And when's the next flight to New York? Blah, blah, blah. And, of course, you had no credit cards then. You had to pay check or cash. and I said, well, I don't have a checkbook with me but I have an account in the First National Bank of New Haven and you could fill out counter checks. Now, I didn't have an amount of money I didn' t have an accountant there but I figured every city has a First National bank so the odds are pretty good that if I fill in First Nationalbank on the counter check and you give me your ID so now I'm flying into New York and my family meets me, and we go to New Haven. And then I say, well, I need a car. I've got to go up to New London, the naval base, to get a special payment, an advance draw on my pay so that I can then go down to the First National Bank of New Haven and open an account in order to cover the check that I wrote out in San Francisco. And that was just how I came back from Japan. That's just the story of just – that's why life is so hard for alcoholics. This is the simple little thing like that. Anyway, I eventually ended up in a nut ward with a grand mal seizure and malnutrition. I lost about 50 pounds. I was back in Japan for a second tour, and in that hospital I had the DTs, and they put me in a straitjacket and locked me up for six months. And there was no alcohol program, but somehow the Bethesda-Maryland AA group talked their way into the hospital, allowing them to have an AA meeting, and that is where I heard about AA. and I had one more drunk in me as I was being released from the hospital and that scared me enough to call the inner group and on Pearl Harbor Day 1964, I called the inner group and they sent my sponsor over to see me who was another Marine Captain at Quantico, Virginia. He took me off to the Manassas group, Sunday night meeting, group anniversary, guys were celebrating anniversaries They had square dancing afterwards. It was the damnedest thing I've ever seen. It went on forever. And Bill is still my sponsor, and I haven't had a drink since. I lost my career, but I ended up doing all kinds of other jobs. We have six kids of 15 grandchildren. Two of my daughters are in AA. And I retired down to Tampa, Florida about 10 years ago. And I love it there. It's got great AA. If you're ever in Tampa, it's the Saturday Night Fever Group. And come on over. So that's sort of in the thumbnail thing my story of hitting the bottom. And I had malnutrition. I was very sick. And there were no AA. One thing I will say. After I got sober, I'd been sober about 15 years, I ran into some guys who were stationed in Washington who were in the last squadron I was in at Iwakuni, Japan, in 63. And they found out I was an AA. A couple of them thought I had died. The word had to go out I had diet of alcoholism. And so they found OUT about AA. They saw how happy I was, and they just thought it was a miracle, and they juste were so grateful to AA. So we would meet once in a while talking. And I remember one of them looking at me in the eyes, and he said, you know something, Sandy? When you were there at Iwakuni, we knew you were dying, and there was nothing we could do for you. Now, that sentence, it didn't dawn on me what that sentence said until some years later. And I went, this is a Marine officer looking at another Marine officer saying, we knew your were dying and there's nothing we can do for your. the Marine Corps never leaves their dead anywhere. You know what I'm talking about? They go back, if they lose ten more men getting that one, they will get that person. In other words, that never happens. And here, the disease of alcoholism had them saying, we knew you were dying and there wasn't anything we could do about it. I mean, boy, that is quite a statement. And there isn't anything anyone can do about It. whenever I think of that statement I'll tell you where that is in our big book no human power could have relieved our alcoholism so it was a true statement there was nothing they could do about it and what a powerful message that is so anyway I got an AA and I got a new career I loved it and I finally retired and I'm living down in Tampa I sponsor about 25 people. I go to five or six meetings a week. A travel, I probably go away about every other weekend. And I've seen AA in all the states and a lot of foreign countries. And it's just the most amazing society in the world is Alcoholics Anonymous. It is so unique. It is absolutely remarkable what we have. And I'll tell you, there's a letter that Carl Jung wrote to Bill Wilson after Bill wrote him. Bill wanted to give the credit to him and he forgot that he hadn't ever written him because Carl Jung was very instrumental in sending Roland Hazard to the Oxford group And then Roland got Ebby sober, and then Ebby got Bill Wilson sober. So Bill wanted to thank Roland, I mean, to thank Dr. Young. And he wrote him a letter and said, well, you may not remember, Roland, but this is what happened. And as a result of what you did, we now have this wonderful organization, Alcoholics Anonymous. It's all over the world, et cetera. And Dr. young wrote back and said no, I didn't know where he went, but I'm so happy to see that. And when I was treating him, it was – I knew that he needed a spiritual solution. But it was very difficult for me then in my profession to talk about spirituality later on. He talked about it all the time and not be laughed out of my profession because Freud and the other guys, they weren't going to go along with spirituality. You know, there was this deep analysis had to be done. And so he said that that is what I knew he needed, was a spiritual transformation. And that's what I suggested that he find. And he did find it. So he thanked him. And then he goes on to make a general observation about the human condition. It's his observation as a psychiatrist who had been studying human beings and himself had realized through all his studying that there had to be a God. They asked him if he believed in God, and he said, no, I don't believe in God. I know there's a God, you know. That was how positive he was. And he said the human beings, all of them, all human beings are confronted with the power of evil. Now, in AA, we would say character defects. We have these powerful character defects, and they struggle against them and they always lose. How do you like that? And they always loose with one exception. People who have a spiritual awakening and are in a society that helps them maintain that spiritual awakening. Sounds like ours. Do you know how lucky that is that we would have a shot at having this thing called conscious contact with our own creator. I mean, this is the whole point of being alive. And us drunks got sent here. We never chose it. Boy, the people in the Oxford group, they chose it They didn't have to go to those meetings. They said, I think I'll go over there and grow spiritually. you don't see anybody in here that got here that way we were here as a last resort so if you're new and we're talking about spirituality we're talking about spirituality how do you get spiritual what is that this is a spiritual program not a religion so i'm trying to come up with what is the difference between a religion and the spiritual program. So if you'll bear with me, I'll give you an analogy. Suppose, for example, that there was... You know how they're always finding little lost tribes of people in South America or other places in some Pacific island and they don't know anything about modern civilization and the sociologists go in there and then they gradually inform them what's going on in the rest of the world. Well, let's imagine there's one somewhere and they live in caves. And they've never even been outside of this cave system. They have fires, they have water that goes in there and fish come in and they have lived there since forever. And these sociologists find them and they go, you know something, we're not going to bring them out or bring society in in a big hurry. Let's take 25 years to slowly adjust them to this huge reality for some extended period of time. And so they do that. They start very gradually going in and visiting and chit-chatting and sharing a few little things here and there. And one of the things they decide they have to explain before they come out is electricity because it's so hard to understand. And when they come up, they're going to see everything, you know, lights and trains are running by this and elevators are going up and down. What is making all that move? And they said, well, we're goingto have to do that, And there were two schools of thought on how to explain electricity to this tribe. One school, which would be what I would call the religious school, would be we're going to take and explain electricity right out of the book, starting with electrons and protons and resistance and this. And it's going to takes, who knows, a couple of years, three years, until we get them where they can understand enough to pass a college-level test about electricity. And they would know a lot about electricity Then we could have the AA or the spiritual approach to teaching them about electricity And that approach consists of putting a generator outside way out there, you can't hear it or anything and bringing in about a mile of wire and an electric lamp. And they call him over and say, we'd like to show you something about electricity. So they put the lamp there, they hook the wire up, they screw a bulb in, they turn it on, and boom! Boy, there's a lot of light coming in there. And they get through that and they unscrew the bulb and then they say, now stick your finger in there So he goes, whoa, whoa, Whoa! So the question is, which of them knows the most about electricity so what AA does it forces you to take some actions until you suddenly go whoa, what the hell happened to me and then you're surrounded by people that are glowing and you can't figure out why and then after you have this finger in the light socket you can figure out what it is on your own it'll be your own interpretation of what that power is and that's what we say there is no such thing as an a.a god what a.e specializes in in convincing you of the need for God. So if somebody were to ask you a trick question, why is AA a spiritual program? This is a trick question. Why is AA a spiritual program? Okay, here's the answer. Because it has to be. Why does it have to be? Because no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. In other words, it's got to be something bigger than human power. so the place to see this if you knew is in the chapter the agnostic and i always go through this little routine and then i'll talk about some other things what a place to put the explanation of spirituality the chapter to the agnostic it's almost like they're hiding it i remember seeing that chapter and i said that's the baby i'm going to specialize in because i thought that was the chapter where agnostics stayed sober and they would they didn't do the steps or anything like that they just they did what was ever in that chapter because i didn't want to buy any of this you know the god the crucifix and they're going to get me and so i wasn't buying into this but they weren't selling me anything there was no god they wanted me to believe in they just wanted me to listen to them explain something and so here was this chapter and it said um if when you drink you have little control over the amount you drink okay that's everybody and if whenyou stop you can't stay stopped. Okay, that's everybody. Well, then you're an alcoholic. So there it is. So okay, you're now an alcoholic, then comes the sentence. If that's the case, you're suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. What a strange sentence. I didn't know there was such a thing as an illness that only is spiritual. I never heard the American Medical Association talk about that particular illness. You have an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. And I looked at my sponsor and I said, I don't believe in spiritual experience. He said, well, you're screwed. Because there is no non-spiritual answer. Huh? What? What they were doing is explaining the reality of my situation. it was much worse than I thought. That's the point of the whole first step, is to explain, you know that situation you got? Well, it's a lot worse than you think it is. It's a lot worse. So then they sum it all up in the next paragraph and it's just like a comedy line, but it doesn't look funny when you read it. But there it is, to be doomed an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face. That's a comedy line. If you don't see it, then come on up on the stage. This is my little routine. If your new, it's time for you to get spiritual tonight. So we'll get John. Come on up. So I got John comes up. Imagine it's like a quiz show and I'm the emcee. John, so you want to be spiritual? I'm glad you're on this program. Here's the deal. I got two doors behind me. You got to choose one. You ready? Okay, door one, die an alcoholic death. Okay, John, door number two, live on a spiritual basis. Ready? Choose! Now what do you suppose John does? He goes like this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boy, two crappy choices. Oh, oh, oh. How did this happen? Do I get a phone call? Yes, you get a phone call. So he calls a doctor that he knows hey dr vernell yes this is john listen a friend of mine would like to know how bad is an alcoholic oh it is okay i'll try spiritual basis how did we get spiritual we had to there was no other door to choose it had nothing to do with believing in a higher power it had everything to do with believing that there had to be a higher power. And when you suddenly realize that there has to be a higher power, you're 99% there because now you're seeking. You're not fighting anything anymore. So that's why they say the only step we do 100% is the first step and the first step should scare you to death where you realize oh my god it's almost like the last thing you'd ever do is parachute anywhere I mean that's not even in your mind until somebody pushes you out of a plane and then says Do you want to try parachuting? You would be very open to parachuting all of a sudden. So what this program is, you've already fallen out. And the only thing that can save you is a higher power. How do you feel about seeking a higher power now? Oh, maybe I'll give it a try. so that's all it takes the reality of your own situation suddenly makes it quite attractive to seek god which is what it says right after no human power could have relieved our alcoholism god couldn't would if he were sought so what is all of our sobriety is seeking god that's That's what the AA program is. That's What The Whole Thing Is. This is not a self-help program. It's a God help program. It's A God Help Program. And That Is What Our Entire Program Is All About. In The Beginning Of Our Book, The Big Book, There Is A Chapter Of The Agnostic Again. It Said Lack Of Power Is Our Dilemma. Well, that's what this book is all about. Now listen to this closely if you're new. The purpose, the main object of this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problems. Now that's very important to see that sentence. It does not say which will teach you how to solve your problem. That would be returning to self-sufficiency which is what our ego wants. My ego wants that. My ego says to me, hey man, you've been sober 40 years. When are you going to get it? You're just as dependent as you were when you arrived here. You haven't made any progress at all. That's my ego wanting me to become self-sufficient. You haven'T made any process. You haven' t made any success whatsoever. You're still totally dependent on this higher power. Boy, you haven't made much progress at all. That's my ego talking to me, trying to get me to let go of this dependence on a higher power. So that sentence says, enable us to find a power grid in ourselves which will solve our problem. Now how does that solve our problems? Here's the deal. I'll just skip ahead to the ending. When you have this awakening, this conscious contact, in that contact itself, no problems can exist. Now you say, well, that sounds far-fetched. That's almost preposterous. Well, did you ever walk into a bar very, very troubled? Oh my God, I don't know where I'm going to get the rent money. What happened after three drinks? Hey, bartender, set up the bar. What about worrying about the rent money? Hey, hey, day at a time, eat, drink and be merry. Tomorrow I could be dead. What happened? Alcohol was powerful enough to remove the problems. They just don't exist. And that's what spirituality is. because in two places in our book it says, what does it say about problems? They are of our own making. And that is a very important thing to understand, that problems... Well, let me go back to this to lead into the problems. I heard a speaker one time and he got up and he had this funny line. And the line was, Ladies and gentlemen, my story is divided into two parts. what happened during the years that I drank and what I thought happened during the ears that I drink. And that's a very funny line and I remember laughing at it for years until I saw how profound that sentence was. Because I can make the same statement about my childhood. My childhood was divided into two parts. What happened to me as a child and what i thought happened to me as a child. Whatever part of my life, my story is divided into two parts. So why do we use story? What is your life story? You made it up. You're the spinmeister of your own story. You see what I'm saying? When I was brand new in AA, I had a terrible childhood. Now I look back, I had a great childhood. Well, how is that possible? Well, I'm happy. And when I had a bad childhood, I was unhappy because I had a bad child. I had an unhappy childhood. But once I got happy, well, actually, couldn't have a bad childhood because I'm happy. You follow what I'm saying? I'm the spin meister. I'm putting this together. To understand this, what if their father had twin sons and they lived on the water and they're seven years old and they are both terrified of the water and he realizes if they don't learn how to swim, living near the water could cause them to die. So he takes them out in the boat and he just takes both of them and just throws them in the water and says, Swim! And one of them just starts and swims and makes it back in And then as he got older and he tells the story, he says, I'll never forget. My father just took me out there. He threw me in the water and I had to swim. And I came back and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It taught me self-confidence. It taught мне this. It taught میں that. The other one didn't swim. He's going, ooh, and he's tucking water in. His father had to drag him out. He's seeing a shrink. My father didn't love me. He threw mä in the wáter and tried to kill mä. The father actually loved them both the same. But the second one told a great story, hell of a story. He got a lot of mileage out of that. So the reason I'm bringing this up is the storytelling part of us is our ego. This is the part of US that weaves a story that we exist as a separate entity from a child of God, which is all we really are. That's all anybody is, is this great divine creator created us to come down and be useful to each other and to grow spiritually in order to get closer and closer to this higher power. So that's what reality is. Then we were given free will, and that allows us to make up stories. And we just... So when we say problems are of our own making, this is how problems happen. Events go on all the time. How many events go on in the day? Thousands of things. Well, something happened to Uganda, something happened in Brazil, something happened over here, this happened to the moon, to this and to that, and to this und to that. And then one of them comes along and you go, Brazil? It's no longer an event. It's not going to be going by. I classify it as a problem. I don't like the idea that whatever's going on in Brazil is going on, and I grab it and classify it as a problema. And that's how I make problems. I just decide that that's unacceptable, that that'S going on. And so when you look at this, we hold on to things. I mean, I remember talking to somebody, and I said, why are you so unhappy? And he said, oh, my wife, she left me and she did this and she did that. I said, oh my God, well, I could see why you'd be a little... I said when did that happen? He said 30 years ago. Now that is holding on to something. But that keeps me separate from God. That is how I exist as a separate thing is with problems and conflicts. So I'm always looking for something to tear myself up with. And that's why we talk about the 11th step in prayer and meditation to try and get beyond that voice that's up in our head. You're a piece of... You're going to be... Wait till tomorrow. You're gonna... This is just going on, manufacturing these problems. And alcohol gave me a break from all of that. I was able to just sit in the now, talk to people. It was the greatest thing in the world. So anyway, we have a saying, this too shall pass. I'm just thinking of some of the things we say in AA. This too shall past. You remember seeing that? What does that mean? Well, on the one level, what it means is that if somebody's having a very hard time, we can say to them, don't worry, this too shall pass and pretty soon you'll be feeling better. Or if they're real high, we'll go, now don't forget, that's going to pass. And so don't get too high. But the truth is everything passes. Everything passes. No matter what happens, it's gone. That's now. Now here's something else going to happen. So if everything passes, it makes no sense to grab a hold of anything. Don't become attached to anything. If everything's going to pass, then we shouldn't resist anything. And if everything's gonna pass, we shouldn'T judge anything. So out of this too shall pass is almost an entire philosophy. I mean, it's almost like Buddhism in one little sentence. Why am I grabbing all these things? So here we are with a God-centered program and we're fighting it. I fight it. Matter of fact, if I'm at a a speaker meeting and too much comes out about god i start getting uncomfortable you know what i mean okay and this is what's going on inside of me enough about god what about me i'd like to hear more about me i would like to here so listen to our tenth step out of the big book this is after the promises we read the promises after the ninth step And all of the verbs in the promises are spiritual verbs. None of those can be achieved psychologically on your own. There's no way that you can cause self-seeking to slip away. Fear of economic insecurity and people will leave us like out the back jack. How could all these things happen? And then we read the last sentence. we suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. That is called an awakening. That is where it happens, when you suddenly realize all these things that you've been trying to accomplish are being accomplished by something else. And then Bill writes in the 10th step, We have now entered the world of the Spirit. And there's very simple instructions for how to live in the world of the spirit and it's all in one sentence it says if during the day we get agitated irritated afraid upset resentful whatever it is you know what the sentence is we ask god it wants to remove them we ask God wants to move them okay let's go to a discussion meeting I don't know about you but here's my discussion meetings that I attend well I got up this morning and I was real irritated So I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna work out. I'm goint to go down to the gym and I'm gont to get my mind on working out and I' m gonto take my mind off of blah, blah, blah, and we go all the way around the room and no one mentions a higher power. We're all gont o come up with a solution that leaves God out. That's our ego. And I don't know about you, but I can just watch discussion meetings, Think what would happen if we just followed the book. The discussion meetings would be so boring. It would be awful. We'd walk in there and we'd go, okay, Mary, why don't you start out? All right. Well, my husband left me last night, and I'm feeling terrible. So I asked God to help me with that, andI feel much better, and I know I'm going to make it through. I'll pass. Well, what about you? Well, What about you? Well, I found out I have cancer and I've got to go in for some tests. And I was so panicky. So I asked God to help me with that. And I felt much better. I know I'm going to make it. I'll pass. And suddenly we realized no matter what the problem is, we're going to hear the same crap. Now how boring would that be? God, God, god, god. So we've got to come up with something to make it interesting. Now, I'm making fun of us on purpose. Think about this. Sixty years ago, if you went to a mid-sized city and smaller, there was probably only one AA meeting a week. One AA meeting per week. and they had just as good or even a higher recovery rate than we do now. How the heck are you going to stay sober on one meeting a week? Well, number one, you're going to really look forward to that meeting. That's one. Number two, you'll probably find somebody else in the group and you go have coffee with them. Number three, and the most important, you just prayed like hell. you just prayed like hell now we fast forward and no matter where you live there's a 6 a.m meeting a 10 a.м meeting a 12 o'clock meeting a four o'lock meeting a midnight meeting an eight o' clock meeting we got a club we got central office we got two million pamphlets we got cds We've got conventions. We've Got retreats. You don't have to hardly pray at all. Think about that. So here's the deal. This is just my own one person's opinion. We have established a support system that enables us to have pretty good sobriety by relying on the support system. And Bill Wilson quoted Abraham Lincoln as saying, The biggest enemy of the best is the good. And that's the trap, is to suddenly be in a position where you're reasonably comfortable and you haven't changed in 10 years. You just, it's there, but there's part of us that knows we're missing out on something bigger. We're missingout on closer contact with our own creator. And so this inertia that was mentioned at dinner, this return to a bigger reliance on a personal relationship with your own higher power, which is what the steps are for. The steps aren't to set up a club or to hold a convention or any of that. The steps, it's a very personal thing. It's a we program. But once we get through the basics of up through nine, it's an individual effort bill writes all that at 11th and 12 and all that that's individual we go out and we become seekers and we can try harder to get this closer relationship i just feel that we're cheating ourselves out of something even more magnificent than what you've already gotten so the whole point of this thing was to give ourselves a jump start to maybe go back and take a look at, am I just sitting on a comfort level and staying there? Because if I am, I'm slowly settling back in to less reliance on my higher power and more reliance on the system and on myself and I'm just settling for a lot less than what we have here. I'll close by reading a sentence out of the big book I can't commit things to memory very good and see if you can relate to this this is a solution on page 25 there is a solution almost none of us like the self-searching, the leveling of our pride the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation but we saw that it really worked in others and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. Now, boom! Hardly any transition. We have found much of heaven and we've been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed the great fact is just this and nothing less that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life towards our fellow and towards god's universe the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we would never do for ourselves. So if you're new, I hope I've given you a slight look at how much more there is here than just sobriety. If we just got physical sobriete, we would miss the whole point of this fellowship and these wonderful principles. So grab the thing and go as far as you can. Thank you all very much.