The Difference Between a Heavy Drinker and an Alcoholic – Sandy B.

Buddy, my name's Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sandy! And I'm delighted to be part of this event. I love conferences, so you're all getting in on the ground floor and I'M sure Jim will be looking for volunteers. And if you've never participated in being part of a conference, it really is a lot of fun. And you become part of the team and you have all these meetings and then all of a sudden you're at the hotel or wherever it's going to be and here's all these people come and you watch them have the most wonderful time and you know that you were part of it that it couldn't have happened unless you'd been there so those things are just wonderful but behind the scenes there's so much work that gets done by a nice big team of people so if you can be part of this you'll definitely improve your sobriety guaranteed let's see I got sober on Pearl Harbor Day 1964 in Washington DC and I had the same sponsor Bill Terwilliger for a little over 42 years that's a tremendous blessing to have that relationship go on that long and we became incredibly good friends and we shared a lot of life's ups and downs like everybody does. When you get sober, it doesn't mean that life is going to be a bed of roses. It's just going to look like it. And that's pretty powerful stuff, isn't it? It's going to looks like it's a bed or roses even when all this crap is happening. You understand deep down inside everything's really fine. and that is the miracle of a spiritual answer which is very similar to drinking everything's a mess so you go to the bar you have three drinks and you go hey it's pretty good now I don't have the rent money but that's tomorrow that's not going to stop me from having a great day so you can see we already had the secret, we had the wrong higher power That was the only drawback. We really knew that we couldn't make it on our own. We found something that helped us, but it was the wrong something. And we came here, and much to our surprise, it turned out to be a god of our understanding. And I didn't know that that was my problem. I didn'T know that THAT was what was wrong with me, and if you're new, you didn't know that that was what was wrong with you. You thought you didn'T have enough money. You thought nobody liked you. You thought whatever, you know, that you couldn'T get a good job. You had a bad boss. We had a million reasons that we weren'T happy. And it all had to do with other people, if you recall. It wasn'T our fault. It was them. And it turns out, lo and behold, that it was because we had no contact with our spiritual center. And boy, I could have guessed, you could have given me a million guesses as to what my real problem was, and I never would have got it. Never would have gotten it. So when we read what was read tonight, and we said we have a common solution, that's it. That's the common solution that we have. And I think the reason that we need each other is our minds will start thinking a very dangerous thing. Anytime you're sponsoring someone and they say, I think I'll go home and think about it, see if you can talk them out of that. Try to talk them off of that because inevitably they will come up with something other than a higher power as the answer to their problem. You know, I've been thinking about it. I think I should leave my wife and run off to Costa Rica. That's what I think. And then they talk to, or your husband or whatever it is, and then you talk to your sponsor and you find out, no, that's not your problem. You need to work the steps and get closer. So I'm so glad to be here. And, you know, just for the trivia people, the page that we read that was read here to get the meeting started is one of the pages that gets changed from time to time in the big book. You know, you say, well, the first 164 pages never get changed. But they do. They change numbers. And on that one it says thousands of recovered alcoholics. You remember how it started? Well, there weren't thousands in 1939. So it obviously didn't say thousands in 1939. This was probably the third edition or something. Maybe it still says it in the fourth edition, thousands. that has nothing to do with anything except the trivia people here are going good I'm going to put that Jim will probably have that on the AA trivia quiz when you go to the I don't even play those games I think I know this stuff pretty good and they had one at the Tampa Farmer Roundup a few years ago I said I'm gone in they've got the big book trivia night I'm gonna go in there the first five questions I didn't have a clue what the answer was so I'm glad they didn't ask me but they really do get some pretty obscure stuff and so I didn't feel that bad. I'm going to talk a little bit about my dream I get so tired of telling my story I'd rather tell AA's story and talk about other things but there are there may be some people here who actually don't believe that I am an alcoholic because I obviously don't look like one and did you notice that when you came day A you looked around and said I don't see anybody in here that looks like an alcoholic it was hard for me to believe that these people when they told their story I couldn't believe that was the person you know what I mean this wonderful distinguished lady is that I'm looking at is describing a past that I couldn't believe she could have had. And there she was in all her spiritual beauty, and we are amazing what happens when we sober up. Anyway, I grew up in New Haven, Connecticut. I was born in 1931. I have one sister who has 32 years in AA. Wonderful gal. She lives up in Connecticut. We both went to the same church. she thought it was the friendliest place in the world I thought it Was like a prison camp and that shows you the difference in perception it had nothing to do with the church it had to do With what my little mind told me I was seeing so I saw something very intimidating I thought God was a punishing person and that I was in a lot of trouble and eventually I would be suffering forever that was just how I looked at life you're going to feel guilty for 70 years and then you're gonna roast so it you know so I didn't like to think about that stuff very often, I wanted to just take my mind off of that so when we rule out religion or spiritual help which a lot of us do at an early age now it's just you You follow what I'm saying? Good. You don't have help. You can handle it. You can hand it on your own, and we got a lot of reinforcement to that. You know, most fathers and mothers are telling their kids, nobody's going to live your life for you. You have to make something out of yourself. It's up to you to do whatever it is. And then they outline a plan, and I'm sure you all had the same plan. When you go to school, you study hard, and you get high grades, and then you'll get into college. And then if you study hard in there, then you get a good job. And if you work hard at a good job, then you will get promoted and promoted and eventually you will be happy. I don't know if they said those words but I thought that that's what the deal was, that I was on this path. As soon as I get out of grammar school and get in high school, wow, boy, is that going to be nice. And then you get to high school, and you're still a loser. There's still people that are better than you are. They're better looking. They'RE smarter. They'Re better athletes and all of that in the in crowd. And I can't get in. They won't let me in. Why? Because you're on the out crowd. Oh, okay. However, this is only four years because after that, I'm going to be in college. and when I get to college, whoa! And you get there and you're still a loser and there's still smarter people, better looking people better athletes and all of that. So the game goes on and on well if I get a good job, I know if I ever had kids you remember telling all those things and I think people play the game all the way until they retire and then they go, this doesn't work I'm still a nervous wreck miserable and I'm not happy somebody told me the wrong plan and what you know why the plan didn't work there was no higher power in it we were attempting to be happy on our own and turns out can't be done because there's part of us that we can't get rid of. I read one author, I really liked it. He said no matter how hard we try, we can not get rid of the longing for God. Now we don't know what is a longing for god, we know something is missing. That is what we know and I knew that. I said there is always something missing and I thought it was like a yacht or Miss America or something, bowl the perfect game. That's it. If I ever bowl a perfect game, you ever do that? And I remember playing golf and, you know, golfers go all the time, got to break 100, got to brake 90. Now I was shooting in the 80s. Someday I'll break, I'll get a 70-something and then I'll be happy. That didn't make me happy. Matter of fact, I remember it. I've been sober a lot of years and I played with, this shows you this is typical alcoholic typical I'm probably about 53 or 54 I'm out playing and I get a freaking 78 never, ever all those years so I can hardly wait to see my golfing buddies you know what I told them I had a 77 Do you relate to that? The true story was wonderful. I had to add to it. I had add to to it, and then of course an hour later I felt so terrible I went back and I said I was lying. I have to confess I was lieing. I had a 78. They said, no, we don't believe the 78. So I guess that's just part of being an alcoholic. I know I hear a lot of it in AA. Somebody's up there telling their story and maybe they've been arrested 10 times. When they tell it, it's 11. We just want to have more status in AA, you know what I mean? Further down you went, the more status you have in AA so you exaggerate how many DWIs and all of that. So anyway, when I found alcohol, I thought I had actually solved the core living problem that I had. I had fixed the being unhappy, something's missing, life is confusing, I don't know where I belong, I don' t know how to fit in. Three drinks, bam! My lifetime problem was resolved. it fixed everything and I felt I was a complete person and I know I made a decision that night you know, that alcohol I'm going to have that around all the time this is my new friend and I got very sick and I fell awful I got up in the morning and I was just so sick and I Was just still dry heaving I remember I was kind of it wouldn't stop and while I'm dry heaving I'm thinking am I going to drink again tonight and I'll tell you there's just a split second I said of course I am this dry heavying is nothing compared to what I had last night so I was already making a decision that drinking was worth any price I didn't know I was making that decision and I didn'T know that social drinkers don't make decisions like that they don't say to themselves wow drinking is so wonderful I'd be willing to get arrested for it we did we did and so pretty soon I was in college and I my high grades went no more athletics now I'm getting in trouble I get arrested I'm getting in fights I'm a totally different person but I'm happy oh man I can hardly wait for school to end the day the day was divided into two parts that was what you had to do to get to get to the drinking part and then there was the drinking party and the drinking part was when life began it was as if all this education was what's that I don't need that what I need is a drink and boy when I finished the day 430 whatever time it was and go walking into the bar I don't know about you all I I felt better just walking in. I hadn't had a drink yet, but I knew it was right there. It was just right there, and I just said, boy, I feel wonderful now. Not even in my system yet. It's just almost in my systems. Yeah, yeah, I'm going in there. And I was just, oh, man, isn't this great? And I really needed to drink badly, but I didn't want anyone to know that I needed to drinking. I needed a drink badly. and so when they get to the bar and maybe the bartender came over what can I get you and I saw a guy come up next to me I said go ahead and wait on him I'm not in a hurry and my system is going what do you mean you're not in a hurry we need a drink down here man we're coming apart but I would just be that way and like it wasn't that important I'll have three scotch and sodas at once please thank you in case there was a delay in getting the second drink I already had it So I didn't need to worry about that. And we were talking about this yesterday, no, at lunch, about how different we were from regular drinkers, including heavy drinkers. We just were different. In my drinking, I ended up, I did finish school and I ended up the Korean War draft was still on. I ended in the Marine Corps and I fell in love with it and I became a fighter pilot it was just wonderful and then after 14 years I just gave up my whole career in order to keep on drinking because that was of bigger priority than staying in with something that I absolutely loved this was it my disease just took me down and the people I drank with who I thought were drinking just as much as I was, they would talk to me about my drinking. See, your drinking worries me. And I said, well, what are you talking about? You and I get drunk all the time. Yes, but your drinking still worries me. So there was something different about the way an alcoholic drinks. And I remember talking about this one time. Imagine if your best friend, who's a heavy drinker, saw you get sober in AA and saw how happy you were. And he said, gee, I wish I could drink enough to become an alcoholic. Could you coach me on how to go from a heavy drunker to an alcoholic? Because I'd like to do it. And we'd say, I don't think you have what it takes. But if you want to try, I'll be glad to help you move from being a heavy drinker to an alcoholic. Okay? Good. He said, you know, I drink every day and I try to get drunk. And I tell him, yeah, that's fine, but I'm going to show you how to get there because you don't know yet. So the next day I call him at 7 a.m. and I tell them, you have to start drinking now. He said I don't like drinking this. No, no, no. you said you wanted to become an alcoholic I want you to start drinking now do you see there's quite a difference so I got him going I got them going good he has to drink even when he's sick you got the flu I can't hold it I don't care throw it up drink it throw it you said you wanted to be an alcoholic I'm gonna get you there well I'm getting in so much trouble I don' t even have any money Well, go steal it. I don't want to steal it, you steal it! You said you wanted to become an alcoholic. Well, there's a big difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic, do you see what I'm saying? And now he got arrested. I don' t want to get arrested anymore. You can't let that slow you down. You told me, my doctor said if I keep drinking, I should die. Doesn't matter what the doctor said. You said you want to become an alcoholic. You can't get there just being a heavy drinker. And suddenly we all see there's a huge difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic for us. It's very intense. It's important. And there isn't anything that's going to stand in the way of us having that drink. and it turns out the heavy drinkers, once in a while they go, I don't think I'll drink today. Well, that's not allowed if you're an alcoholic. You don't get to go, I don' t think I' l drink today Now, the reason I give that whole pitch is when we get into AA, there's sober and then there's happy sober, and it's the same difference. it's the same difference between the heavy drinker and the alcoholic you got to do a lot more you really have to half measures avail this nothing, you know what I'm saying and people like us we're involved, we're in the middle of this, we are doing AA stuff all the time I look at Tommy and Jim and Maria they are involved with something and it's just going on and on. It becomes your whole life. It becomes that, just like alcohol became our whole life and when we get committed to that extent, it's amazing how easy and wonderful life is. It's just so simple because we're pursuing this relationship with a higher power at a very high level. And there's a lot about that in, now here I am, I've already finished my story, obviously, and I'm off into AA somewhere. But there's a word that I like and it's in our steps and it says when we read chapter 5 we get to the three pertinent ideas and then the last one said God could and would if he were sought. and then in the 11 steps saw through prayer and meditation so seeking becomes a very important thing and this is something that is done by the individual there isn't, this is not a group activity, seeking a closer relationship with your higher power that's up to you as an individual and years ago I came up with, I went home and I said seeking, you know That's a funny word. You don't hear that so much. You don'T use it. Well, I was over in the store seeking the peanut butter. We used different words. I was looking for the peanut, but I was doing this and that. So seek has sort of a special connotation in our program. And I thought back in my own life about when the first time I heard the word seek, And I think it was in grammar school when they told us about a game called hide and seek. And we said, hide and see, what's that? Oh, well, one of you is going to hide, and the others are going to go try and find you. That sounds mildly interesting. So I think one of the little girls went and hid, and we were all hiding our eyes. Okay, go find Mary. Oh, boy, I remember how I was all fired up. And I looked for about two minutes. And then I went, why do I give a damn where Mary is? I mean, I was excited for two minutes. But that's about as long as I could stay seeking Mary or Johnny or anybody else. I'm going over here, over here. But they do go home. So I call that low-level seeking. Then there came the next level, which was definitely higher. This is when I was informed by my mother that she had hidden an Easter basket with 6 1⁄2 pounds of solid chocolate in it. Now we're talking about seeking. and if I found it I could eat it all whatever I wanted so boy I went out but after 15 minutes if I didn't find it I'm going is it in this room am I warm could you help me can you please help me I was definitely going to hell with the chocolate how long are you supposed to look for that damn stuff I mean, as appealing as it was, I'm running out of energy here, and I can't stay focused that much to keep seeking the charm. Okay, look in your bedroom, oh, okay, and then I find it, oh good, and it was almost like that was too much work for this. Then there came a third level, and this happened when we had a golden retriever, and I came home from school one day and my father said, the dog ran off in the woods over there and we've been looking for him all day. We've been calling his name and he hasn't come back and we're hoping that he hasn'T gone away permanently. And I went, permanently? You know, you don't want to lose your dog. You know, this is your best friend. He'd come home and there he is. So I went over the woods and called his name, called his name and they made me come back and go to bed but when I got home from school the next day I'm over there and I did that for a number of years even when I went off to college when I came home I still went over by the woods could happen he could come out today he could be he could be doing that and even after I joined the Marine Corps and came home five years later I'd still drive by the woods I knew the odds were pretty low but I would still drive by there and look in there because he could still come out that's a pretty high level seeking compared to hide and seek and then I asked myself well where is your seeking God what level is it at the hide and see the Easter basket or the lost dog and I found that it wasn't anywhere near the lost dogs and I said why and that's when I started look inventorying my own spirituality, my own priorities and I'm going why is this not up way up there and of course it's hard to get it up there because part of us, our ego doesn't want it to be there our ego doesn't want us to find God there's part of use that doesn't want anything to do with all this stuff it's the part of us that can handle life on our own you know what I mean God, God, that's all I hear in AM sick of God what about me why don't we talk about me for a while that would be more interesting than God I think about me all the time I think we should talk about me all and all this God talk is getting the spotlight off of me do you realize that And that's the challenge that every human being has. We are fighting against ourselves to go after the jackpot because there's part of us that doesn't want us to win because we like being the one in charge of our lives. And so I was in charge in my life when I got here, and my sponsor got a hold of me. And the thing that makes us reasonable, The thing that makes us even entertain the idea of a spiritual way of life and getting help and all of that is not because AA is good at talking us into this. That has nothing to do with why we do it. It's because alcohol beat us so badly that that's why we became open-minded. Alcohol does all the persuading. your disease took you to a place where you finally said alright, alright, I'll try it. You remember that? I don't want to try it but I will. And so we really have that's why we all have the common problem. We all have the same beating administered to us and it's waiting out there in case you didn't get enough of a beating. Well I understand you're not open to the idea of the 12 steps and God and all that. No, I don't want any of that stuff. Well, come on out. I'll have a few drinks. I will talk to you about it. And we go back out, some of us. And alcohol says, I understand you don't have an open mind about AA. No. I don' t want anything to do with that. Well let me work on you a while. Boom! Bam! You remember how that boy when you go back it gets a hold of you real good. And it gets you down and he's standing on your throat, choking. Bam, bam. Want to try it yet? No. Okay, bam, bam. And finally we go, okay, okay, I'll try it. So it had nothing to do with AA. It was the disease. And that's the beauty. That's why we don't need Gestapo tactics in AA. We don't need policemen. I understand you're not working the program. We Don't Need Any of That. Because alcohol is there waiting. It's waiting. There's no way to beat it. There's nowhere to just skip off and live a happy life without this. So that's how we got an open mind. And I like to talk about how we get an open mind and what a feeling it is. I know you sponsor people, and you can tell in the beginning they're offering resistance to this. After all, I just came here to stop drinking. I don't need all this other stuff I just want to stop drinking I don' t want to become a saint I don''t want to be have conscious contact I don ''t want all that I don'T want to pray all the time I just don'' t drink I didn''t sign up for all this well my sponsor said ok but you know I work with you we were both in the Marine Corps and he said I see you and when you get low on money You take money out of the cash fund in the office. That's embezzling. That's federal money that you're sticking your hand in. So if you're going to stay sober, you can't embezzle. Oh, so there's two steps to the program. No drinking, no embeZZling. You didn't tell me that in the beginning. You just said no drinking. So you had this sneaky one behind your back. Yeah, no drinking and? No embezzling. Do. Okay, all right. I can see your point. I can say that. Okay. Okay. Well, now a few weeks go by, and then he said, By the way, there's a third item I'd like to bring up. He says, You can't be flirting with these other women. You're married. You're going to get drunk. If you keep doing that kind of stuff, you're going to. And I said, so there's three things involved in this program. No drinking, no embezzling, and no fooling around. Okay, three things I can handle. Well, every two weeks he had another thing and another thing and another think, and I suddenly realized they want me to change my whole freaking life. They want to change everything that is about me. and I'm glad they did. I'm glad they did, because they took the old me and got rid of it. And then what was left is what God made. And that's why kicking and screaming we become willing to do things that we never thought we'd try. And so I was talking about when I'm sponsoring people and they're in this, what do you mean? You know, like I'm on the third thing. What do you mean I thought you just didn't drink. This is more than I want. And you can hear the edginess in the voice. What do you mean? Remember that when the resistance starts? It's like they're putting the brakes on. I don't want to go any further. I don'T want to get sucked into this thing. I DON'T want TO get crazy like all you guys are going to meetings all the time. I JUST want to not drink. Well, you're going to have... and then they make the noise. This is my favorite noise for newcomers to make. All right. You remember that? I don't want to do that. Okay, that's the other one. It's all right or okay, but it's the grinding noise that goes with the word. It's like, okay. And you know they're about to get happy. They really are. they're going to become willing. And that's the willingness noise. It sounds like a file on a pipe, you know. I'll try it. And as soon as they go, I'll do it. I'll just try it, you can see the weight come off their shoulder. What are they going to try? They're goingto try something other than their plan. and when they're going to try something other than their plan then they don't have to be responsible for everything turning out right that's going to be if it doesn't work it's going be AA's fault won't be my fault because it's not my plan so now we have the whole weight of being in charge of our life taken off of our shoulders and now it's up to our sponsor and our home group and this book it's all up to that we suddenly have been placed in the position of becoming a judge okay I'll follow everything you say but every three months I'm going to step back and judge how good a job you're doing on my life and if and I tell new people that I said, that's your job. You report to us, is it getting better or worse? And we generally speak with a great deal of confidence because it always gets better. It always gets better. It works. It really does. Now this goes on for a while and it's an amazingly simple and it is just so wonderful how easy it works. And then we run into the second problem you have in all spiritual paths, the fact that it works. Because when it works you feel better and you feel happier and you're very grateful for what they've done. They've transformed your life and you actually get the feeling that you don't need it as bad as you used to. Do you understand what I'm saying? And you go, God, I'm so glad that you put me in a position where I'm not desperate anymore. I don't really need meetings like I used to because I'm feeling good. And what that is, it's the ego jumping in to try and ruin the good deal that you have. And we're always our own worst enemy. And it'll jump in and it'll tap us on the shoulder and it will come up with the greatest stories. And in my own case, I came up with a prayer that my ego thought up. Now anytime your ego is coming up with a prayer, you better be very suspicious. But it looks like all the other prayers so you listen to it. And it might sound something like this. We get on our knees and we go, God I want to thank you for what you have done for my life. I used to be a total mess. My family wouldn't speak to me. My doctor said I was going to die. I was very unhappy. I were miserable. I was thinking about suicide and now you've transformed me into a very happy person. My family likes me.My doctor says I'm healthy and I just feel like a totally different person and I want to thank you for putting me in a position where I no longer need your sorry ass. But I'm thanking you for getting me here. I'm not leaving you out. I am just telling you from my position right here, I don't need all this crap anymore. That's what our ego can do with success. So when we're working with people, success is a harder problem than failure. I've always said I'd rather have a person that I'm sponsoring have a motorcycle accident and lose a leg than to be sponsoring someone whose uncle left him two million dollars. That's the one that would cause the big problem. We get through the hard stuff but success is very difficult, especially inheriting $2 million. It's amazing what that will do to your own mind as to how much help you now need. With $2 billion, I don't need as much help as I used to need, and I certainly don't needs as much advice. And we go back, and so I'm just talking from my own experience that every time something good happens and it just gets even better, part of me wants to ruin it. Part of me wants to jump in and screw it all up for me. Anyway, I ended up not being able to fly anymore. I eventually lost my whole career. And one of the reasons was that there wasn't an alcohol program. There was no medical diagnosis. It was back in the 50s and they hadn't gotten alcohol programs in the military. They didn't have them in very many places. Treatment centers hadn't really started up. There was a few of them. Alcoholism wasn't a disease yet. And so I was just left to survive on my own, and, of course, I didn't make it, and I ended up in a military nut ward after having a seizure and delirium treatments, and I was locked up for six months. and eventually they had some people come in with an AEA meeting and I really connected with it. I didn't think I needed it but I thought it was a hell of a good program and if I had some friends that needed it I was going to send them around to see these two guys that I got their phone numbers but it wasn't long after that that I was taking alcohol into the ward as an outpatient and I knew they were going to catch me And so on that Sunday, December 7th, I called and the inner group had an answering service and some guy knew of this one other marine. There was only one marine in AA and the whole base of Quantico. And he was my sponsor and he came over and talked to my family and they all lied. My six kids and my wife told this horrible story about me. What a bad father I was and a bad husband, how much I drank and how horrible I was and all that. So that convinced him that I was an alcoholic and no matter what I said, he didn't care because I had changed my mind. I didn't need AA anymore. I had some alcohol stay down and he just said, well, here's the plan. Get in the car. And I got in the card and he drove me to my first meeting and I haven't had a drink since. It just took. I feel very grateful that I didn't have to go back out and try again and again. And after the years of just getting sober and dealing with life's problems I realized that I had been placed on a path that I never would have chosen voluntarily. And that's what this spiritual path is. That's what these 12 steps. They're taking us somewhere. Where are they taking us? They're taken us where our sponsor has taken us. Well, where's that? Well, it's where his sponsor has taken him. Where's that one? It's where he is sponsoring. And all the way back. This is the path that was laid out in 1939 when they finally got it together. And we've all been following that the people ahead of us. That's what AA's been doing for all these years. And somebody asked Bill one time that was an outsider and he was describing it and he said, God, sounds like the blind leading the blind. He said, no, it's the semi-blind leading the blind. So the person who's got your hand, they can see a little more of the light than you can. But they're holding on to somebody who can see much more of The Light and we're all headed in that direction. And as long as we stay on this path with helping each other, that's where we're going to go. Now when I say see the light it really is two things. First of all my burden got lightened. That is one of the most beautiful things is to realize how light life is there's no weight, there's nothing to carry all those things that we were carrying we made up and put there. Well I think I'll put 40 pounds on my back today. What's the matter, Sandy? Life is tough. I'm carrying all this stuff around here. It's just such a heavy burden that I'm carryin'. Well, why don't you take it? No, I like carryin' stuff. I like... I like this. I like it. If you took this away, I wouldn't have anything to talk about. What if you took all my problems away? What would I say? Oh, nice day? Is that all I'd say that's all I know because when you come up to me see and I've been doing good until the last about four or five years then I've had pain problems I got two new knees I got to get a hip and all that and boy I suddenly went back to the self-centered whimpering complaining and people are sick of it how you doing oh let me tell you about my hip right now I can hardly I sound like a newcomer, and it really shattered me because I thought I had such a strong contact with my higher power that nothing could break it. You know, I went through a divorce. I went though bankruptcy. I went thru this and that. But pain walked in there and said, you think you have a perfect connection? Watch this. And all of a sudden, I'm like, ah! So, I found out what spiritual pride looks like. That was a very humbling experience. So anyway, you take away our problems and who are you? I'll throw another one at you. What if you forgave everything that ever happened to you? every unfair thing everything in grammar school this embarrassing thing every single thing that ever happened to you if you forgave what would be left of you you know that's almost our whole life is made up of stuff that we remembered that wasn't fair and when we just kind of review our past we go back and there's all these painful things and if we forgave them all do you know how spiritually how much lighter you'd be you'd like a helium balloon you would just be floating around no resentments none you might just come up off the ground if you weren't carrying all those resentments and all these unfair stuff that happened and that's what is being suggested here All of our program is designed to lighten your load, to just go in there and find something else. And a lot of it is done by realizing that you're wrong. We have a whole step about being wrong. Oh, all that stuff that happened when you were a kid, that isn't what really happened. That's your version of what happened. Actually, your parents were doing the best they could. They were both alcoholics. They were barely able to survive. Of course they were treating people this way. But that's, they didn't hate you. You know when you finally get people and you hear somebody's story and they had the same story and you go, yeah I do have it wrong. Well then I'll just throw that away. I'll throw that hatred away. I'll through that misunderstanding away. Oh I was wrong again. In the beginning we don't want to be wrong. It kills our ego. No I'm not wrong. And finally, my sponsor got me in the corner and I said, okay, okay, you're right. And he said, no, you are wrong. I said it is the same thing. Let me hear you say it. It wouldn't even come out. I couldn't even say it And now, I love being wrong. I love finding something else I am wrong about. Am I wrong about that? Oh good, I am going to throw it away And the more things you throw away that you are wrong about, the lighter it gets the lighter it gets. Pretty soon the only burden you're carrying is somebody else's that you're helping and you're trying to show them how to let go of it you're tying to teach them what let go really means and they go it isn't that we can talk them into it it isn'T that we're smart and that we have a clever way of explaining it they want to know what you have. They're attracted to your energy. It's a program of attraction, and you see somebody, and you know they just lost their job, and their mother's really having some hard health problems, but they're still helping everybody, and they're kind of cheerful about it, and you go, what are they on? I bet she's taking some kind of pill. I mean, how could she be like that with all those problems that she has? And finally we just go, how do you do that? How do you doing that, what you're doing? Oh, would you like me to show you? Yeah, well then I'll be your sponsor. Come on over here. And then we pass on how to make the burden light. So light has that meaning. and then there's the light and by that I mean the connection we have with our higher power and we realize there really is a personal God that is inside of us and cares about us and it really would be worth getting to know this God better and we increase our level of seeking and we try to get it all the way up to the lost dog level like that could be the highest level and it becomes a fascinating thing to see how much of the day we can spend hanging around with god my role model is jimmy stewart in the movie harvey where he had that invisible rabbit and wherever he went they'd just sit down in the waiting room to see the doctor well harvey here we are in the wedding room well i wonder how long we're going to be oh i don't know we're just in the doctor's waiting room didn't matter where he was he was having a hell of a time having this conversation with this invisible rabbit and that's the way it can be with our higher power there was a book written about 500 years ago practicing the presence by brother lawrence and he just spent his whole day hanging around with god he was you know making shoes for the monks and he's just well god here i'm making the shoes go i really like hanging around you i really and it looks like he's not taking life seriously looks like he's, I remember one time having a wonderful meditation sense. I like to go down to what's the name of that park we go Carol? Yeah, Ballast Point. That's my favorite spiritual spot in South Tampa. So I was down there and I hung around for about an hour and it was just wonderful. And I said to myself as I was leaving, well back to the real world. and I really had it backwards. I said, well, I'm going to have to leave the real world and go back to the one I made up. The one with all the problems. You know, the one in my mind. The one that I put together up here. I guess I'll leave the real world, God's world, and go back to this mess that I've put together and I'll just suffer for a while until I come back here. Do you see how backwards we have everything? God almighty. so anyway I think I'm at the end of the time I'm running out of energy I've rambled, I've gone off in a million different directions that probably made no sense whatsoever but if you're new try to join this world of no sense whatsoever and I think you'll be very happy. Thank you