The Difference Between a Decision and a Commitment – Bobby C.

My name is Bobby, I'm an alcoholic. Thank you. I'd like to thank the committee, you know, Jesse and John for inviting me to come here. Thank Kerry for picking me up, he picked me up early yesterday, we toured the battlefield and you know this is the first time ever I've been in the state of Montana and it's, you know, it's freaking beautiful. It is. I mean, I live right in the heart of the city, so to me, to see this stuff, it's really, really gorgeous. I got my sobriety date. It was June 2nd, 1988. I got a home group, McKean Street Miracle Group with Alcohol Hawks Anonymous. We meet at St. Agnes Hospital, broader McKeon Street in South Philadelphia, seven nights a week at 7 o'clock. If you're ever in the neighborhood, please stop by. We'd love to have you. We'll go out for cheesesteaks afterwards. Chapter 5 of the big book is real clear what I'm supposed to do. I am supposed to tell you in a general way what my life was like as an active alcoholic, what happened to me, and what my wife was like. What my life is like today as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, you know, before I go any further, I got that nice welcome. So back home, we don't get that high and drag it out. What we say is, how you doing? Now, we've been saying that a long time, long before that commercial came along and everyone started making fun of us. But I'm doing good. How you doing ? I was born and raised in a very blue-collar ethnic neighborhood. I got seven brothers and sisters. My mother was pregnant for nine years. Seriously. We're like one after another. My sister is 11 months older than me, and I'm 11 months old than my next sister. And you know what? Like everyone else and the other speakers alluded to, I never felt a part of. And that's pretty tough to do because we've got 10 people living in a small three-bedroom row home. And a row home, I mean, you guys have seen like the movies and TV. It's just a bunch of houses stuck together, you know. The yuppies came in. They call them townhouses. But it's a row homie. They're small. There's like 40 on one side of the street and like 12 feet across the street there's another 40 it's just the way it was and so you get to be close with your neighbors whether you want to or not but we're small there's 10 of us in a small three-bedroom row home and i never thought a part of and that would be true my entire life even into early recovery there was no booze at all my house my father did not drink and my mother could not drink my mother suffered from a history of mental illness and abuse prescription medications so we had no boozer on the house but my grandparents around lived around the corner from us and they had a bar in their basement and that's where all the family functions would help. You know, the graduations, the christenings and things like that and that is where I had my very first drink. I didn't get drunk the first time I drank. I remember what it was though. I was running around and I was just a kid, you know, seven, eight, whatever it was but I remember how it was. It was Ballantyne beer and I remember that because Ballantynes used to sponsor the Phillies and I can remember going up to Connie Mack Stadium with my father in the old school board in Wright Center Field and Iwas running around the bar polishing off the half empties or they're half full I guess it all depends on your perception but I'm polishing off the empties and my uncles and I had tons of them you know they were looking hey look at him look at Bobby and that's why I crave the attention like I said I might have got a slight buzz but that was irrelevant it was it was the recognition I got that was important and you know and I loved my grandparents you know and it was you know and the kids in my neighborhood they used to make fun of my my grandparents were immigrants and they used to talk funny but everyone in the neighborhood talked funny i mean you had one accent or another but man i loved them they were great and there's some great parties there my drinking kind of really took off in high school most of the kids from the neighborhood had went to the local diocese in high School but my parents had sent me to a private Jesuit high school and right away i felt kind of different there because most of kids who went to this school were from affluent families from the suburbs it was just me and a couple other dirtballs in the neighbourhood who went there And a lot of these kids were getting dropped off by their parents in their luxury automobiles. But we used to walk to the school because it wasn't that far. And right away, we had some sort of reputation because this was a pretty rough neighborhood and a lotof these kids, it was their first introduction to the inner city. So we usedto walk to school and we had reputations and we usedtotake advantage of those reputaitons. You know, those parents, they were dropping their kids off in theirluxury automobils and me and the guys from the neighborhood were inside robbing their lockers. And I knew that was wrong and I had a lot of nicknames and one of those nicknams was Crazy Quill and I would do things in my gut that I knew was wrong you know I had the values instilled in me by my parents and by the nuns as a kid and I knew the difference but I did it anyway because the need for me to be accepted by you outweighed anything else I was also your entertainment committee and I did things and I was terrified to do but it was all facade you know I couldn't let anybody know so it's September it's football season I'm there about two or three weeks there's an away game we rent a bus there's drinking and there's fighting, there's police activity. Man, it was fun. And we all had to go sit at this funerary on the following Monday the first day back to school and he had about 10 of us lined up outside his office. Now they were all upperclassmen it was just me and another kid from the neighborhood we were the only two freshmen and he made a beeline and came right up to us and said what's with you guys? You guys here two or three weeks and you're getting this jackpot already and I just shrugged my shoulders and said you know father just one of them things and you know that would be the story the pattern that I would set. It didn't take me long that signs up situations. I really didn't push myself in the academics, so I didn't hang out with the AP kids. I myself wasn't an athlete, so I did not hang out with the jocks. I got in a situation, I would get to places quickly and I could size up situations, I was about drinking and acting up and it was only, I was there about a week or so and we had to run out of school, I mean which is unheard of for freshmen but we found out who was about what and we took advantage of that. My drinking, you know, it kind of progressed you know, and mostly on the weekends you know. But I was acting up and getting little jams here and there. It was funny, my sophomore year at the prep. Now this school's in a pretty rough neighborhood, like I said, it's in North Philadelphia. It's on the corner of 18th and Girard. Four blocks away is the subway. Now at the end of the day, a lot of these kids used to take the trolley the four blocks that catch the subway because they were scared to walk out Girard Avenue to catch the subway. Well, three blocks away on the corner of 15th and Gerard, there was a bar called the Ebony Showcase Lounge. and when I was a sophomore I was irregular at the Ebony now I went there for a couple different reasons you know they had cold beer, they had dancers and they had all these other things but the real reason I went because I was a show off and again I want to show off to these kids how nuts I was and how tough I was. I'm not a tough guy I never was and I can now tell you every time I strolled out to Rod Avenue and sat in the Ebany I was terrified but again appearance, the importance for me to be accepted by you and all these appearances outweighed any fears I had And it was funny, because as you can tell by the name of the bar, they knew that I wasn't from the neighborhood. And I'm what? I'm 16, I probably look like I'm 12, and I got a little pleasure, but they served me, they figured if I was crazy enough to go there, they might as well serve me. It came time to graduate from the prep, and I really had no desire to further my education, and I knew I couldn't stay home because it would be hell to catch, because my parents didn't really have a lot with all them kids. They made a lot of sacrifices, and education was a big deal. So they made a Lotta Sacrifices for material things to push us to private school. So I knew I couldn't stay home because there'd be hell to catch. I couldn'T get an apartment because I had no job, I had no money, no skills. I had an opportunity to go to the Naval Academy and four of my uncles were graduates there. But I knewI couldn'T go there because in my gut, I knew that something was happening. You know, I KNEW that I was going to get jammed up. And I knewi couldn'T GO down there because if you got jammedup, that's like a big jam, like that serious stuff. So my options were limited. So what I did, I enlisted. I enlisted in the Air Force. And that really wasn't a bright move because back in the 70s, the military wasn't popular. I mean, you still had guys who went north. But I enlist it and I got sent overseas. I spent some time overseas. And that's when my drinking really took off. I never messed around with other substances. I mean I never even smoked a joint, you know. And I knew a lot of guys from the neighborhood had gone overseas and got whacked on certain things. But I had a fear of that stuff. But I was definitely a drinker at this point. I was over there for a couple months and several good friends of mine got killed. and I didn't know how to handle that because in my family we didn't talk about nothing if we talked it was all surface stuff and once you moved out of the house you were no longer privy to the secrets of the family everything stayed within the walls of the home and if you lived in the house everything stayed inside you we talked all surface stuff and that's not a shot on my folks that's just the way it was so I didn' t know how to deal with this my friends getting killed but I know booze numbed the pain and that' s what I did I numbed the pain I didn''t distinguish myself but I didn ''t do barely either I gave the bare minimum effort required to get by. And again, this would be the pattern that I would set for myself for the next few years. You know, I just want to skate by, you know, not draw any attention to myself. My tour was up. I came home. I enrolled in school. I went to St. Joseph's College at Jesuit University. I was there for a bit and the same thing there. You know? I gave it bare minimum efforts to get buy. I wasn't making Dean's List, but I wasn' t failing out either. Just, you now, scraping by. I wound up taking a couple of civil service exams for the city, too, when I came back. And I continued with my schooling. Then one day, it was May, towards the end of the semester, a couple guys in the neighborhood had called me up and said, Bobby, the Phillies are playing a businessman special tomorrow. Would you like to go to the game? And the businessman special, that's like a midweek, like a Tuesday or Wednesday game, like at 1230 in the afternoon. I said, sure, I'll go. It's the endofthe semester. Like, they're not going to miss me in school. I'm not participating there. So I went, me and four other guys from the neighborhood. it was an unusually warm day very hot and the Phillies had since moved they're playing down in Vet Stadium in South Philadelphia and I'm sitting up at a 700 level drinking that cheap watered down beer and the sun's beating down on me and I told the guys I was with I said you know what I said I'm going to run down to the field and meet one of the players and they said that's okay Bob and they kind of shrugged me off because another nickname I had was Bullshit Bob I said I'm gonna do this I'm wanna do this I did that I didn't do nothing I just drank and made stories up so I had worked my way down to the old picnic area there and I jumped over the fence and the San Diego Padres were in town and Dave Winfield was the right fielder for the Padres and I'm running around the field and I go out the right field and I see Dave I said hi Dave how you doing I shook his hand he looked at me he's a brother he said what are you doing out here and from behind him and he's pretty big dude from behind them I saw the guards coming I said Dave I gotta go now so I start running towards the infield I want to slide into second base but as I was running towards the infield there was more guards coming from the third base side and if I knew if I slid in the second I'd get caught so I turned around I walked towards first base and there was guards coming from the first base side and I don't know I'm probably closer to guard than Mike and I are right now and I'm walking like to give myself up at the last second I deked the guy and I ran out in the outfield and I run around like a lunatic it seems like ten minutes but it's probably closer to three or four you know and up on the school board they put Mr. Excitement you know and I went around I finally stopped you know I'm drunk, I'm out of breath I got nowhere to go I'm about to get sick You know the fence is 12 feet high There's guards all over the field So I just I'm waiting for them I just stop I'm just waiting for him to catch me They came up and they grabbed me And they took me off the field I got a standing ovation From 37,000 people Tug McGraw was in the bullpen For the Phillies He gave me the thumbs up Like way to go Now you know what I knew I was going to get Beaten from the guards that's okay they could have beat on me all day long because you know what this story I'd be a legend back in the neighborhood I knew I was going to drink the next week on this story now this is the type of story that I would make up but the fact is I got four guys from the neighborhood they're my witnesses I'm covered and that standing ovation you know how Bill says he had arrived they could have beat on me I don't care they could have beat on me it didn't matter just then a Philadelphia police lieutenant showed up out of nowhere and he said what's the matter with you are you drunk I said, no, I'm just happy. Happy to be here. He said, well you better get your happy ass out of the stadium. So that was important because not only did he save me from getting beaten but he saved me from being arrested because that was even more important because one of them civil service exams kind of panned out and not that long afterwards I got hired by the Philadelphia Police Department. Back then they was hiring anybody. Now I tell you that story For running on the field Just for a couple of reasons One, it's true Secondly It's the only funniest story I got Because I wasn't a funny dude I was a lying, thieving, stinking Falling down, violent, drunk And if I hung around you You had something I wanted I used and abused Every person I came in contact with And thirdly I was blackout drinker And I was the blackout drunker From my very first load and I would remember showing up on the corner and the guys in the corner would repeat the stories if Bobby should have seen yourself last night and they would tell me what happened and as the days and weeks went on I would retell those stories like I remembered them but I did not I was a blackout drinker drinking beer from the very first start but I drank a lot of beer but still I just couldn't remember things so I got hired by the police department Frank Rizzo he was our mayor at the time and Frank himself was a former cop And we had 83,000 of us. Excuse me, 8,300. 8, 300 cops. And we was like a gang with badges. We did whatever the hell we wanted to do. Now, my deal was I wasn't even old enough to drink. The drinking age in Pennsylvania has always been 21. The drinkingage in Jersey at that time was 18. Where I lived in Philadelphia, I could be in Jersey quicker than I could be in other parts of Philadelphia. Jersey's right across the river. But once I got on the job, my badge opened the doors. I can go wherever I want to go. I spent my first 10 years in uniform in North Philadelphia and I would see the refuges of alcoholism and drug addiction day in day out and at the end of the tour I would go out with guys in my squad and I put them away I saw things on the job that bothered me but I couldn't tell my co-workers that because I didn't want to be thought less than I wanted to be one of the boys to the point where I even engaged in behaviors I knew was wrong I knew my gut was wrong and I did it anyway because the need for me to be accepted by these guys outweighed anything else I always hung out with an older crowd in high school I was a freshman I hung out with the juniors and seniors now that doesn't sound like a lot but at that age it's a big difference two or three years you know in the service I hung up with older guys they were all most of these guys were all NOM veterans you know I came home from the police department I was young guy and in the 70s we hired a lot of guys from NOM so our numbers went to the roof I always hang out with older people with older boys always and so the need for me to be accepted by these guys they outweighed anything else so and my drinking got ugly quickly you know everyone knew it but me the signs were there I remember one day I'm at work and the supervisor pulled me off to the side he said you know what kid he said you're smart you're going to go places that booze is going to mess you up and that went on one ear and out the other I was at a family function one time my uncle was there my uncle was the supervisor on the job he pulled me off tothe side he said Bobby I'm hearing stories about you you're gonna get yourself in a jackpot You better take it easy. In one ear and out the other. A couple years later, on two separate occasions, I ran into my uncle and that supervisor in the rooms of Aquahawks Anonymous. And I realized at that point that they were trying to 12-step me. And I remember talking to my uncle. I said, Jimmy, how come you didn't tell me? He just smiled. He said, I told you, Bobby. He said、But you just weren't ready yet. Which just goes to show you that all the drinking and all the behaviors that went with it were necessary for me to hit my bottom. Now, I knew about Aquahowks Anonymous, My very first meeting was in 1979, and I don't tell people I went out because I really never came in, but I'll tell you what happened. I show up at work. We had an EAP unit, and part of the EAP union had an AA group there. And I showed up, and one of my coworkers was drunk, and my supervisor said, take this guy up to the Eап unit, and he's detailed there for the day. I said, okay. I remember driving down the road and there was this little house that sat in a park. And there was a guy sitting on his porch, Eddie M. Eddie worked in the same building I did. He was a gruff old guy. And I pulled up and said, Eddie, I'll drop this guy off. I'll be back at four o'clock to pick him up. He looked me dead in the eye. Said, kid, do you want to come in? I said, no, I don't. I was insulted that he even asked me. Because I know what alcoholics was. Alcoholics were your older guys with these poor souls I was dealing with day in, day out. Were you married guys? you guys are the three heads, and all this other stuff. There was no way that I could be an alcoholic because I was pretty successful in the job and I was a beer drinker and there was noway that you could be an alcoholic drinking beer. Like the only time I drank hard liquor was like on St. Paddy's Day or New Year's Day or Pay Day but I was at beer drinking. So I got sober a few years later and Eddie was one of the first guys I saw And he just smiled when I walked into the room at my first outside meeting. He said, so kid, you finally came around. And again, it just goes to show you all the drinking and all the behaviors that went with it were necessary for me to recognize I had a problem. I was 24 years old, and I shot and killed a 15-year-old kid in a line of work. And it was really a terrible situation. I couldn't be avoided. And I used it as an excuse to crawl in a bottle. And that's what I did for the next three years. I wound up getting sober when I was 27. My drinking took me to a lot of my nevers, and one of those nevers is the use of other substances. I wound up getting promoted and transferred. I was in this particular situation, and I was drinking. My judgment was impaired. I thought I needed to do something. I did something. And my drug history is very short. It lasted 17 months. But that's just where my drinking took be. And I think out of respect for the fifth tradition, that's all I need to talk about that stuff, you know? So people stayed out of my way, you now. I felt sorry for myself. The help was there, but I rejected everybody and I just continued on drinking. And I'm telling you, my life was falling apart, you know? And even whatever success I had in my career, that was getting me jammed up now, to the point where people got tired of covering for me because that incident that I was involved in, it was just terrible. They have since come up with a phrase, suicide by police, the psychologists call it, but back then that wasn't what it was. And so it was Just Nuts. And, you know, I just knew that I was in trouble, but I couldn't ask anybody to help me because I was such a nasty person. I remember I was sitting home from work one day and there was an article in the paper. It said alcohol problems, drug problems, depression, marital problems, thoughts of suicide. I was four out of five because I'm single. I'm still single. But then I took a look at that ad and I said maybe, you now, and I'm sure if I was married I'd have been batting 1,000, five out of 5. but I looked at the ad and said maybe you know they talk about the moment of clarity or sanity as soon as it came it quickly left but something made me cut that ad out and I stuck it out and I put it in my wallet and I continued on drinking it was Memorial Day weekend 1988 and I'm sitting in this bar in Philadelphia guys from the squad were there partying and one of my co-workers for whatever reason he needed to leave he said I need to go home for whatever reasons and I said I'll tell you what I said I'll give you a ride home because I didn't think that I was as drunk as he was And he thought that was a good idea. So we got in my car. I'm always a show-off. I was always an arrogant guy. And, you know, there was a lot of publicity, you know positive publicity for me for a while. And just in case you happen to miss it, I would happen to have a copy of the article for you if you want to read it. So I was going to show off my driving skills. And that's pretty easy to do, especially when you drive city vehicles. It doesn't matter if you wreck them. Because you always made up some sort of story. So I was driving up the street, and there was a kid about two blocks away riding towards me on a bicycle. And I decided I was going to play chicken with this kid. I was gonna show off my driving skills in front of my co-worker. And we got closer, and unfortunately at the last second, we turned in the same direction. I ran this kid over. As he lied bleeding on the hood of my car, I got out of my nightstick, and I was gone beat this kid because I thought he was milking me for an insurance claim. So I took this kid off the hood my car threw him off the side of the street like a piece of trash. I pulled this crumpled bicycle from beneath my car and threw that off to the side of the street like a piece of trash. I drove back to the bar, made a remark, I scored ten points, and I continued on drinking. When I came to the next day, I realized I was in serious, serious trouble, but I didn't think anybody would help me because I was such a creep. So I didn' t know what to do. So I got a case of beer, a bottle of liquor, some other substances, and I checked in a hotel to consume all this stuff to end my life. And three days later, they're knocking on the hotel to kick me out. And I couldn' t shoot myself because at this point I was suspended from my job. I no longer had access to my weapon. So I walked over to the window and I opened up the window and I was going to jump out. I opened the window, I was on the fifth floor and I remembered I was scared of heights. I made 23 jumps in the service and I never overcame my fear of heights so I went into the bathroom and I filled the bathtub up with water and I had a blow dryer and I said I'm going to put a blow drier in the tub to make it appear an accidental electrocution but every time I would pull the blow dryer into the tub it would come unplugged I was about a foot and a half short on cord so I got one foot in the tub and I'm leaning trying to plug it in and it's like that scene in that Woody Allen movie where he couldn't even kill himself you know and it is ok I certainly laugh sometimes but I don't ever want to forget the pain I was in that day so the only other tool that I had left was my car so I took one last bench from my neighborhood I started up at the Falls Bridge and came down the East River Drive which is a winding road along the Skokie River in Philadelphia and I decided I was going to end my life in an automobile accident and this is a weekday it's like a Wednesday or Thursday no sense of time maybe a Friday but whatever it's a week day it's at 9.30 10 o'clock in the morning and that's important because at any other time my mission would have probably been accomplished because it's a heavily traveled road but most people were already at work at this time so traffic was light and the speed limit is like about 25 and I'm doing about 50 and I am flying down the drive and like I said it's very winding road and I'm kooked and I hung over and I am crying and something hit me emotionally that I realized I did not want to go into oncoming traffic because I didn't want to hurt anybody else and I tell you if you came in contact with me I hurt you I hurt everyone but unfortunately those closest to me the most I hurt them the most but I was just in pain I needed to numb the pain needed to end it so I decided I would wrap myself around a tree and by this point I am at the end East River Drive and that's Boathouse Row in Philadelphia and I just finally pulled over and I sat behind the wheel of my car and I cried like a baby for about 10 minutes and it's no longer there but at the end of the latest boathouse it's one of those old glass enclosed phone booths and I reached into my glove box and inside the glove box was my wallet and inside the wallet was that ad that I clipped out of Daily News about 6 weeks before and I walked over to that phone and I dialed the phone number up and the woman who answered the phone had to be a saint God bless her I spoke to this woman like I spoke to no one in my life before I told her the truth and once I started telling her what was going on I couldn't stop you know and God bless her she listened patiently and when I got done talking she said you know what why don't you drive over to Hahnemann Hospital somebody will be waiting to talk to you that's ok so I drove over to Hahnermann Hospital about 5-10 minutes away somebody was waiting for me and they admitted me to their 10th floor psychiatric unit and they kept me there for about 3 days to get me kind of stabilized because I was really off And from there I got transferred to the VA hospital out in West Philadelphia. And I spent about six weeks in their flight deck. And from here I got transfered to the V.A. hospital out of Coatesville, Chester County, and spent a couple weeks in that flight deck before they put me into an alcohol and drug ward. When I pulled over and made that phone call and asked for help, Alcoholics Anonymous was the furthest thing from my mind because I didn't think I had a problem with booze because I was a beer drinker. I thought my real problem was those other substances. If I left that stuff alone, I'd be okay. Maybe I got this mental illness and I inherited that from my mother. Maybe I get this stress stuff they're talking about. I got that from the job. Maybe I've got that experience in the service. Maybe it's the neighborhood I grew up in. Maybe it is the fact that I'm a mummer. It's all this other stuff. But it couldn't have been alcoholism because I was a beer drinker. So I continued. I got put into the alcohol and drug ward. And I'm there for about 10-15 minutes. and I walk into the day room and up on the dayroom wall they had the 12 steps and the 12 traditions the big window shades right and I go up to the steps I zip through them I get about 6 of them done I saw the amends I said they're screwed that don't apply you know forget about it that don'T apply to me so what I you know I was just nuts but what happened later that night two men came up and I would later find out that they were part of the treatment facility committee I didn't know that then they came up and carried the message of Alcoholics Anonymous the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I couldn't identify with, didn't relate to or just plain didn't like, I would immediately tune him out. I was too busy listening to the messenger and not the message now I'm eyeing up my peers I'm looking around and I find out I'm not as bad as these guys a lot of these guys were divorced, I was never divorced probably the fact that I've never been married may have had something to do with that a lot OF these guys had legal problems I didn't have any legal problems nothing severe, probably because that badge in my back pocket you know I was looking for the differences and not the similarities you know and it was just nuts but what bothered me the most at the end of that meeting everyone got in a big circle and said the Lord's Prayer if this is what your people were about then I don't want nothing to do with you and I broke away from the group I wouldn't say the prayer you know I talk about my mom my mom's mental illness my mom was like a fundamentalist with the church you know and she had pictures and candles and programs on the radio and television and she was in a charismatic movement. She thought she could speak in tongues and all that other stuff. And I was 15 years old. I came home from school one day. I'm in the house about 10-15 minutes just wandering around. And then I came across my mother. She had slit her wrist. And I remember she looked up at me and she said, Bobby, help me. And I looked down at her and said, good for you. And I walked out of the house. And I got an older guy to go to the state store and get me a bottle of wine. And I stayed out and drank the wine. I came back home and came home later that night. My dad had told me what happened. I acted surprised I said, oh yeah, how about that? So that happened when I was 15. I got sober 12 years later at the age of 27. Hated God for 12 years. Wouldn't get involved in the steps for a couple of years. So it would be a few more years before I would deal with this. So I broke away from the group. I wasn't going to say the prayer if this is what you people are about. I didn't want nothing to do with you. At the end of my stay at the VA hospital, a woman came up to me. And I'm about to say this and please, it's not to get a joke. This woman came over to me because she had to be a member of Al-Anon, man. She was beautiful. and you know what she saw all through my stuff it was all BS you know it was like a defense mechanism to keep people at bay and she came up to me and she said you know one she said the only way you're going to make it you're gonna need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I need to tell you that's the best piece of advice I got the VA helped me with a lot of things I had going on in my life but I didn't get my recovery there but they helped me tremendously I would get my recovery in AlcoholicsAnonymous and I went to AA every single day sometimes two or three times a day depending on my shift if I was working or not but I would get there late and I would leave early I don't drink coffee still don't drink coffee never drank coffee in my life so I don' t make it I don''t smoke cigarettes never smoked a cigarette in my live so I dont empty any ashtrays which is the deal if I walked into a big book meeting or a step meeting that was strictly by accident I would have something more important to do I would give it a break traditional meetings rules I need to tell you my line of work we don'' t like to follow them we sure like the hell to enforce them they are forever for all the other people but they are not for us So I just wasn't interested. See, I was interested in war stories. And the moment that the speaker said something about his background that I didn't like, couldn't identify with, or didn't relate to, I'd immediately tune him out. Too busy listening to the messenger and not the message. But I made meetings. You know, I made meeting every single day. And I was crazy as a bed bug. I'm sitting in this bar, drinking seltzer of course. It was like nine, ten months sober. and guys came in guys from my neighborhood came in they just started breaking my stones one thing left I just had enough what's the deal with this and I was drinking seltzer in a rock glass and I stood up and I punched this guy right in the face with the rock glass I cut him severely he bled like a pig and the cops who handled the job they came in they handled the jab and they knew me they cut me they let me go now the deal was the reason I told you I was there because they sell real good roast beef that's why I told you I was here but the truth was I was always an arrogant guy like I said and towards the end of my drinking and when all the troubles I got into I generated a lot of negative publicity now that I was cocky I was back and I didn't want people to believe the hype don't believe what you read I'm back things are good that's the real reason I was there and unfortunately that incident got out of hand and I had hurt somebody else and I got out of that mess but I learned my lessons about people places and things and I have since found a place that sells real good roast beef without being in that type of environment you know that's why they call them lessons you know I was sober a year and I told my story in my group and man it was an incredible experience I got done speaking thunders of applause you know the blind could see the lame walked it was incredible experience people came up and they patted me on the back and said man way to go Bobby you're doing so good I remember when I first got sober somebody said man he said you're going to go a long way in AA you know you're really going to get you're not going to go far I said really he said yeah because you've got such a long way to go nuts so but they pat him in the back say way to go you're doing so good man I was dying inside I lied during my entire story first of all I identified myself as an alcohol because of my home group at that time and that's all you could talk about you could't talk about the other stuff and in fact during the course of my story a bottle of beer appeared in my head but you guys didn't want to hear that you wanted to hear all the quotes so I gave you what you wanted to hear and you know what I was a pretty bright guy and I could repeat this stuff but I can tell you as God is my judge I was not living the program and I was just dying inside you know and they patted me in the back and I wanted to reach out but I couldn't I didn't have the courage I never had the courage to do the right thing I either hid behind a bottle or hid behind the badge and I needed help and I wondered how but I could not ask these guys and these guys were nice to me and man I love those old guys man but I hated those old boys too you know and I would get mad when they'd never invite me out but you know what they used to invite me out all the time and I'd always say no because I had something better to do because I didn't want to hang out with them and the truth was serene people scared the hell out of me and that's why I didn' t want to hang out with those guys and it was just nuts you know and I got just crazier 23 months sober making regular attendance meetings in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I beat another man with a baseball bat I forget what step I was working that day but I was just nuts. I was crazy as a bugger. I was a liar, thief and a cheat. I did everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't pick up a drink. And I would share these witty stories on the floor and people pat me on the back and say that's okay Bobby just don't drink. And I took that as being the message. I could do whatever the hell I want to do and just not drink. And I now know that's not the message of AlcoholicsAnonymous. You know and it was just nutsy. You know And after a year of being sober, all the men in the group were going on a retreat. And they asked me, but they tricked me because you know you can trick new guys. And they came up to me. It was one of those trick questions. It was like, Bob, are you working this weekend? And before I had a chance to formulate a story, you know, I knew the response should have been why. You know, because you can't say yes so quickly. But I said, no, I'm not. That's what came out. I couldn't believe I said that. They said, good, we're going to retreat this week and we're going to take you with us. Now, I hated these guys, but man, I wanted to hang out with these guys. But it's just nuts. So I went on a retreat with these guys. See, they knew that I wasn't saying the prayer. I wasn'T holding hands. So they knew something was up between God and me. So they put me in the back seat and there was a guy sitting on each side of me. It's like role reversal. Like at work, I went from the front seat to the back seat. I'm used to driving guys like that. So they take me up to this retreat. And the closer we get to the retreat, the bigger the knot is in my stomach. because I can't tell these guys about my mom. But the need for me to be accepted by these guys outweighed that. It's just nuts. I get to the retreat. I'm there about 15, 20 minutes before I run into the retreat master. As soon as he saw me, he just smiled. He's my disciplinarian from high school. But not only that, but he was a longtime member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he just smiles. Oh, it's good to see you. I knew that was your problem. We started talking. Wanted to know how long I was sober. Tell him what the deal was. That's great. He wanted to know who my sponsor was because this guy made meetings. I said, I don't have a sponsor because I'm a pretty bright guy. But I didn't tell him because he knew that I was a bright guy, and I said I don' t have one. He said I strongly suggest you get a sponsor. I said okay, so he asked my roommate to be my sponsor just in case God forbid you ever question me again. Hey Bobby, you got a sponsor? I said yeah, there it goes right there, that's him. So I got this guy, my roommate, to be the sponsor. And the only time I talked to him is when I accidentally bumped into him in the meetings. I would see him in a meeting, he would wave to me, He said, Bobby, I still get that same phone number. I said, yeah, yeah. I'll give you a call. I never called him. You know what I used to do? I used tell these other guys, you won't believe this guy. He got me doing this. He got my doing that, doing that. He didn't do none of it. I made it all up. He put the hand of help, the hand AA, and I slapped it away. And then I talked about him. You know, I was just nuts. I was crazy in early recovery as you can imagine. My first couple years, I used go to a lot of go-go bars, right? But I drank soda. I drank soda or water, and I would get my picture taken, right? With like the entertainers. I would give them a picture taken. I would come to meetings and pass the pictures around to the old-timers because I figured they would like that. They look at the picture, and they look at me, and they just shook their head and said, please, kid, please keep coming back. And I thought they was being facetious. I said, all right, I'll keep coming. Man, I was nuts. I swear to God, I had no idea who John Barleycorn was. I was wondering why everybody was blowing this guy's anonymity. I said, you know what? He's really tough SOB. I wouldn't want to tangle with him. When I found out who John Parleycorn was, I felt so stupid. But here I was. I was so damn bright. It damn near killed me. I couldn't. Oh, it was nuts. No one asked me to be their sponsor. No one wanted. What the hell I had. I didn't carry the message. I carried the disease. My home group, we had a cork board, right? Anniversaries of the month. First name, last initial date of month. how many years you're celebrating. True story. You know, not proud of it but it's my experience. If you went out I took pleasure in that. Like Joey A got three years and Bobby C got two years and Joey went out it's good for him. I move up. I was just nuts. I swear to God. That's crazy. I just didn't drink. I just Didn't drink made meetings and was dying from untreated alcoholism. I did everything wrong in the rooms of Alcohol Hawks Anonymous. I was a liar, thief and a cheat. I just didn't drink. I would share these witty stories from the floor and the guys next to me would get up and leave. I'd go to the men's room and come back and the seat next to mine would be empty. They'd be sitting on the other side of the room and I'd be trying to give them the evil. Man, you know the second anniversary came I didn't celebrate it. A month after my second anniversary I went to eat my gun. The same pathetic feeling I had 25 months before but 25 months ago I'm loaded with drugs and alcohol. here I am stone cold sober in the rooms of Aquahawks Anonymous want to eat my gun safe to assume my life is unmanageable there's a guy from my neighborhood I've been seeing him for a couple years and I hated everybody but you know who I hated the most I hated the guys coming from behind me see you guys with time I didn't believe you guys I couldn't understand that I spent almost like five and a half months in the VA hospital I got out and I made my first outside meeting and I remember clearly it was a married couple ten years And the woman had one more date than her husband. And she constantly reminded him of that during her share. But whatever, they had 10 years. I didn't believe that. I thought like you could go over in Jersey and drink and keep your Pennsylvania time. I thought maybe... I thought, like, you had your different parties. You know, I couldn't believe it. I didn' t understand that. But there were a couple guys from my neighborhood that had like a year, year and a half, two years. I knew these guys were nuts. And I knew that they were sober. Like, I could see that because I saw them during my, you know, interaction in the neighborhood. And I was impressed by these guys. These guys I could relate to. I could not relate to the guys at the time. So I'm sober a little over two years, and I see one of the guys in the neighborhood. His nickname was Troubles. Hard-earned nickname, but no one called him Trouples to his face because he's a pretty rough dude. So I was at a meeting one night, and like I said, I'd been watching this guy in the neighbourhood where he had the glow. See, I was a bright guy. You could fake the talk, but you couldn't fake the glow, and like i said, I hated everybody, but I hated these new guys because they're getting better before me because I saw these guys I mean, these guys would come in. They couldn't even speak complete sentences. You know, they were all jammed up legally and everything else going on. And I sold these guys a year, year and a half, two years sober. And they were now men of dignity and honor. So I knew the program worked. I just didn't take the action. So I sold this guy from my neighborhood. And I said, Bobby, I need some help. I said would you be my sponsor? He looked at me. He said, Bobby, I've been watching these past couple years. And I'm sticking my chest out. Yeah, he likes me. He says, I Need to Tell You. He said you're full of shit. that's not the answer I'm looking for he said I'm going to be your sponsor under certain conditions hey you're going to call me every single day you're gonna go to a big book meeting a week you're gona go to an estate meeting a weak you're gunna go to men's meeting you're guanna get yourself a coffee commitment and you gunna leave them damn women alone and I'm talking to myself like who is he talking to here I'm sober 25 months I'm selling the grape vines you know what's going on here but what I did do I looked him dead in the eyes said that's ok I'm willing to do that and that's the night that I took the first three steps because like I said I went to eat my gun my life was certainly unmanageable you know and if that was the problem the solution had to be a power greater than myself and I knew that there was definitely higher power regardless of my resentment towards God and I still had it because of these new guys coming in behind me I saw their lives get better I knew something was at work regardless of my resentment we went back to his house he pointed those things out to me we got on our knees together and we said the third step prayer and when I got done with the prayer he said Bobby there's a difference between making a decision and making a commitment and they said the way we do this third step is by grabbing paper and pen and doing an inventory now I didn't want to do one of these I'm going to meetings and people say whoa easy does it don't want to get well too soon keep it simple just don't drink and I know those slogans definitely have a place But I was taken as, whoa. And I didn't want to do one of these because I'm going to meetings. And unfortunately, and this is not a shot at my group, the first group I went to, but we really weren't big on the sponsorship and structure and the program. And they weren't bad people because they were never taught the way. So you can't transmit nothing that you don't have. And this was the deal in the group. No one was really bad at anything. We were more fellowship than anything else. Good people, but they were just clueless. And so when somebody wanted to take the action, they were always discouraged. And now they were about to discourage me. But the fact was, here I was, 25 months sober, making regular attendance meetings. I went to eat my gun. It couldn't get any worse. I can't imagine it getting any worse except actually squeezing that trigger. So I start doing my inventory. And you know what? There were no surprises. Everything I wrote down, I did. No big deal. The big deal was the next step. They were talking to my sponsors. Whoa. So I call them up because I'm a pretty bright guy. I call him up I said Bobby I want to go to retreat this weekend and do this fifth step with a priest he said Bobby that's great when you get done stop by my house you'll do it with me and you guys know what they're you know how spot I mean it's unbelievable and sometimes they got that telepathic thing going on because even though I didn't say nothing he must have picked it up over the phone because I'm just thinking like what did you hear me and he comes right back yeah I heard you did you here me and before I could say anything he said Bobby, the reason I want you to come over he says this is a journey I'm supposed to help you with it if I'm going to help you change your character defects I think I need to know what they were or I said okay the deal was I didn't want to go to the priest I went there for one reason and one reason only it wasn't to be spiritually enlightened even though I got this resentment towards church and God on the list it's still there the resentment's there there were a lot of things I was embarrassed about and I was afraid if I went to my sponsor he would ridicule me he would pass judgment on me or even worse he would tell other people especially the thing with my mom like I couldn't tell anybody that but if I knew I went to the priest it would be between me him and a lamppost no one else would know I never did that fist step with that priest I did that with my sponsor and those fears I had about my sponsor were unfounded fears because he didn't do any of those things he didn'y pay his judgment on me he didn''t ridicule me and to the best of my knowledge he never told anybody else in fact what he did he shared some of his stuff with me which took away the terminal uniqueness that I thought I was the only guy to do certain things and have certain thoughts. In fact, Bobby did time. He had taken someone's life in the early 70s and he paid the consequences for that action. So he was able to help me tremendously, you know, and I'll be forever indebted. But the best thing apart, when he shared with me that man, that helped tremendously. I guess he didn't trust me. He has a quiet room set up in his house I bought a house a couple years ago and I have one in my house also I guess he didn't trust me to go out and I figured I'd get distracted and I sat quietly for that one hour you know and I go to a lot of step meetings and when we get to the fifth step you hear people talk about but you don't hear them talk about this part like they're sitting quietly and my experience may be different from yours but I can only talk about mine right when I get done sitting quietly for the hour the screaming inside stopped now that may not sound like a lot now at this point I'm probably sober about 30-31 months and my head was always racing you know what I finally experienced some sort of peace the screaming inside stopped man that was an incredible reward I didn't burn my fourth step because my sponsor told me I would need these for the rest of the steps six and seven character defects you know when I first got sober you guys had a lingo all to yourself I don't know what the hell you're talking about in character defects I didn' t know nothing about this I know when i drank I was a character I found out when I did my inventory I had no character whatsoever. You couldn't depend on me. You know, you couldn't trust me. You couldn'T rely on me, you know. I wasn't a friend. I wasn'T a brother, you KNOW, boyfriend. I was none of that stuff. Self-centered to the extreme. I cared about me. If you got on my way, shame on you, you Know. The sixth step, I was willing, you Now. And if I didn'T have the willingness, I could pray on the willingness. And the seventh step was a prayer. My sponsor told me, he said, Bob, you need to put legs on those prayers. I could Pray all day long. God, help me be patient. Help me be Patient. But during the course of my day, if I come across you and you kind of push my buttons and I lash out in sarcasm, and sarcasm is nothing but anger dressed up. It's also referred to as the language of the Irish. But, I mean, should I lash you out in your sarcasm? Then that prayer for patience goes out the window. I can pray all day long, God help me be honest, help me to be honest. And should I see someone drop their wallet and I do one of these things with my foot and drag it, that prayer of honesty goes out of the window You need to put legs on those prayers, I was told. And God will do for me what I can't do for myself. But you know what? This is a program of action. You can't always turn it over and blame it at God's feet, you know? The eighth step, because I didn't burn my fourth step, half my eighth step was done. And I had to throw more names on it. And I was one of these guys, whoa, I didn' t harm anybody but myself. Right there was the tip-off. I never did my inventory because I harmed everybody, you now? And I have to throw some more names. I had more names in there. And I become willing again because this willing deal, I already had two steps of experience in this willingness. If I didn''t have the willingness, I could pray for it, you kno? And the ninth step, direct amends. No phone calls, no letters from me because I didn't beat you with a bat over the phone or through the mail. And when I want to do those measures, you know, the truth was I can make excuses. You live out of neighborhood and all this other stuff. But the truth is I'm probably afraid. I'm afraid to face you. And my sponsor said, direct the amends, Bobby. And I'd like to share two experiences on the amens. He told me making amends is much more than saying I'm sorry. For me, they were two words that don't mean squat. It's about righting the wrong. About 10 years ago, 11 years ago I met this meeting. And this guy walks down the steps. I have not seen this guy since 1977. He's not on my A-step list, not through any fear or anything. I just plain forgot, you know? Out of sight, out of mind. But as soon as I saw this guy, I recognized him. And I'll tell you what I used to do. I remember I was in a bar one day. We had words and he would never respond. So from that point on, whenever I went to impress anybody how tough I was, I would pick on this guy and he was much bigger than me anyway. And I would publicly humiliate this guy. The verbal abuse. One day I slapped him. He didn't do nothing. and then one day I spit on him. I mean, what worse thing can you do? You're talking about the utter degradation of spitting on somebody. So, and like I said, I'm not a tough guy. I never was. I was just a creep. So I saw this guy and I remembered him and he didn't recognize me. I guess, you know, we sober up, we clean up. So I get introduced. I stand up and I speak and I look at this guy and I say, my name is Bobby Coyle and I'm an alcoholic. Now I need to tell you why I use my full name. You know, these traditions, I know this top secret self tradition And we won't even get into concepts because you definitely need a security clearance for that. But traditions, you know, and a lot of misinformation, and probably they're all misunderstood, but no more so than this 11th tradition. All of a sudden, we get sober, right? Especially back home, it's like we become like we joined the mafia. And we get these nicknames. And there's Frank the Fox and Red Sweater Jerry and Bucktooth Mary and Pepsi George, and the list goes on. Everybody in my neighborhood knows I'm a drunk. It was those little telltale signs, you know? If they came outside to catch me, I'd be urinating in their car. My girlfriend threw the clothes out the window. I'm slumped behind the wheel of my car. I'm coked. I'm the Raven lunatic. Everyone in my neighbor knows I'M DRUNK. All of a sudden, I get sober. God forbid my reputation be tarnished so people know I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, Dr. Bob said when one drunk is anonymous from another drunk, that is a violation of the 11th tradition. He went on to say that anonymity is spiritually inspired and secrecy is fear-inspired. The 11th Tradition says personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film. That means you will never see my full face identified, my full name, which is Robert Ignatius Benedict Coyle III, on the television, on the radio, in the newspaper, stating that I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the 11th tradition. Dr. Bob went on to say that when one drunk is anonymous from another drunk, that's a violation of the 11st tradition. I mean, God forbid, 3 o'clock in the morning you feel like drinking, you're going to call information up? Yeah, I'd like to have Frank the Fox's phone number. You want to go visit one of these old-timers? You wantto go to the hospital? Yeah, wear your own buck-toothed mirror again. I mean... Out of luck. You know? It's not a secret society. However, I have no right whatsoever to break anybody else's anonymity. You choose not to use your full name, and I respect that. That's okay. But I was heavily involved in the area back home, and we use our full names, and that's what we do because you're not going to find Bobby C. in the phone book, you know? All right, off that soapbox. Back to this meeting. So I looked at this guy, Denny Isha, and my name is Bobby Quill. I'm an alcoholic. Then he recognized me and he started nodding. So when I got done speaking, I told the group what I used to do because I figured if I publicly humiliated him the least I could do is to make amends to him publicly. And again, it's much more than saying I'm sorry because there are two words that don't mean squat. And if I owe you financial amends, I can always go on a payment plan with you. Here's a few dollars. But what about that emotional damage, that psychological damage we cause people? How do I make amens for that? I told him I apologized to him and I said, Bobby, I hope as As long as I stay sober, I don't treat you or any other human being like that again. You know what? And he came up and he hugged me. And he forgave me. So after the meeting, we're talking. And I say, you know, we start talking. I said, well, you don't know what's been going on in senior years. He said, I've been sober three years. Now I can walk synonymous. I said really? Now the arrogance creeps back in because everyone knows me back home. Not everyone likes me. Everyone knows me though. I'm involved in the service. Everyone knows what the deal is. And I'm surprised that he's never heard of me. So now I need to tell you this meeting that we're at. I live in South Philadelphia. He lives in Roxborough, which is like the northwest section of Philadelphia. This meeting is in North Philadelphia. It's a neighborhood that he and I would probably not frequent. I asked him, I said, well, what brings you here tonight? He said, Bobby, I was slipping through the meeting directory and I just wanted to attend a different meeting tonight and for some reason this meeting jumped out at me. Now I need to tell you, we have 1,600 meetings a week. Our meeting directory is about 70 pages thick. he opened up the page and he said for some reason this meeting jumped out at me I am a firm believer that God put that guy in my path that night and I had two options I could do what I always did you know the benefit of having eight kids so close in the age group people would come up and confront me yeah, yeah, you son of a you know I said whoa, whoa, not me you're talking about my brother Brian my brother Sean we just look alike that's the deal when you have a sibling so close an age or I could deal with what I did that night I can make amends to them. Because the ninth step says wherever possible, not whenever, because wherever denotes place and whenever is time, and it's never the right time for us because we're too busy as he does in it. So on the flip side of that, another nine-step experience, amends. I'm at a business meeting. My home group at that time was the Steppenstones Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I made a motion. It was definitely for the betterment of AA. I made it. I knew it. Discussion takes place. Then the motion goes down. It doesn't even get seconded. I couldn't believe that. And one of the leading opposition views was by my boy, Freddy. Now I need to tell you, I grew up in a neighborhood, there were certain rules. They may be warped, but they're still rules and you need to follow them. One of them, like first of all, like you can never date anybody else's ex, you know? You mean you were boys and like you dated like Mary years ago. I could never date her again. She's like off limits. It's just one of them things. Another thing is, right, wrong, or indifferent, you always back your boy. It doesn't matter how wrong he is, you've still got to heave my boy. I've got to back him up. That's the way it is. Well, Freddy didn't do this. I couldn't believe it. I was disgusted. In fact, I would walk into the meeting and I would see him afterwards. There'd be four men there. I'd say hi to three of them and completely ignore Freddy. I'm at work one day. One of my co-workers came up to me and said, Bobby, Freddy Wheels is outside. He wants to take care of some sort of business. I peeked outside. I saw him sitting behind the wheel of his car. I said, tell him to take his fat ass down to City Hall. He needs to do that there. He can't do that here. My co-worker happened to be in the program. That's how I knew him. So that same co- worker a few weeks later called me up. He said, Bobby, he said, Freddie Wheels died last night. And he said the reason I'm calling you is because he always spoke so highly of you. Now here he was, a very good friend of mine, and as good as God is my judge, I can't tell you what that motion was about. That's How Petty It Was. He was put in my path numerous, numerous times, and I chose not to make amends. And the moment that my co-worker told me, he said, Bobby, he spoke so highly of you. I felt about yea big, you know, and I've been praying for Freddie ever since. So that's two experiences on the ninth step. Once where I had the opportunity, I took advantage of it, I reaped the rewards. Second, I hadthe opportunity and chose not to take advantage ofit, andI paid the price. You know? And see, the promises kick in. I mean, there's promises throughout the big book, but a lot of them happen at the end of the ninthstep because it's just like the real world. It's a program of action. If you've got a job, you don't become Employee of the Year or get that yearly bonus unless you show up and do the work. It's not more than just showing up. You've got to do the Work. You've Got to go above and beyond whatever the goals were set for the team. Same thing if you go to school. It's much more than showing up if you want to make the Dean's List. You need to go Above and Beyond what they have set. You know, you play sports, the same thing. You don't get selected for the All-Star Team unless you go Above and Beyond. it's a lot more than showing up it's the same thing in Alcoholics Anonymous you get the rewards by doing the work there's a and I love the big book the directions there but there's a little phrase in that 12 and 12 that I like it's in the third step it says admitting that you're an alcoholic and making regular attendance at meetings is a far cry from permanent consent and sobriety showing up is important but you know it's hell of a lot more than that because how many of you have showed up and got drunk again people say meeting makers make it my experience the only thing they make is meetings I've known people who made meetings and drank again. I made meetings on a regular basis, sometimes two or three a day. Twenty-five months sober, I was going to eat my gun. It's a lot more than showing up. It's about taking the action. The tenth step for me is four through nine on a normal basis. Now if I'm going to stand up and tell you I do a tenth step every day, that would not be true. But I'm pretty consistent. If I also tell you if I don't do a ten step, no one knows but me, that's not true either. See, because when I'm not practicing these principles, I become a nitwit. and should I be in nitwit mode and you cross my pith that day, you're also affected. You know? Because I could be arrogant, I could Beirut, I could do whatever and should you cross My pith, you know, you're going to suffer My consequences of being a nitwits. And I'm telling you, you know what, I kick myself in the butt too sometimes I laugh. You can't stay sober on yesterday's sobriety and I've been on some good loads but sooner or later they, you know you're sober up and maintain that load you got to continue doing what you gotto do. It's the same thing about sobrietry I can't say sober on yesterdays sobriiety And I'm telling you, every time I try to kick back, take it easy, I pay the price to the point where I even laugh. It's like, when the hell am I ever going to get it? I get a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual maintenance. And chances are if I do today what I did yesterday, chances are I'm not going to pick up a drink. And if I'm lucky enough to get up tomorrow, I need to do the whole thing all over again. But on the flip side of this, especially if you're new, I don't want you to think that recovery is lottery and the wheel spins and today's your day to drink because that's nonsense too. because there's a guarantee in the book that prevents us from picking up a drink again if we take further action. I hear people say, I did the steps and pick up a drank. I mean, that's a lie because nowhere in the steps does it say go out and buy a 40, you know, go out undid a fifth, you know. You may have done them at one time and, you now, I've done the steps at one times and I kicked back, I took it easy and I got crazy again. But you know what? I need to stay. I'll be a drunk till the day I die, you kno' what? But my daily, I get a daily reprieve. My act of alcoholism is arrested. But it's a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual maintenance. The 11-step prayer and meditation improved my conscious contact. I got a conscious contact with a higher power. Now I no longer practice the religion I was raised in as a kid. But you know what? I no long blame the church because the church wasn't the problem. And I don't blame the Air Force. I don' t blame the police department. I don''t blame the neighborhood I grew up in. I don ''t blame my mother. My mother was mentally ill. It was none of that stuff. See, when I went through the steps, I found out that I was the problem. Bobby Coyle. And you know what? I was a liar, thief and a cheat long before I picked up a drink. All during my drinking, all that stuff was just magnified. When I put the drink down, I was still a liar. I was also a liar thief and cheat. And those feelings of inadequacies and low self-esteem, all that self-seeming, all of that stuff is still there. I needed to do some work. You know? I was just a problem. There's a lot of things about my past that I'm not proud of. But you know with the steps... And I would change them in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't. but you know what the steps enabled me to change my attitude about the past and I can now use that to help other people the 12th step having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps I did the steps I had that spiritual awakening now I haven't seen any burning bushes and I haven'T seen you know thunder you know lightning strike or heard any voices in fact it's been a number of years since I heard any voices at all and I'm forever really truly grateful for that but I've had that change of attitude you know we tried to carry this message. That's the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been to thousands of meetings since I've been sober and I hear some things and I scratch my head and look up the slogans and make sure I'm in an AA meeting. That is the message. You know what, you hear people say, whoa, don't talk about God to the newcomer because it will scare them. Well just like Don said earlier today, if you are lucky alcohol will chase your ass right back here because you have nowhere else to go. And I need to talk about the spiritual aspect. The book says speak freely of the spiritual aspect of the program. Because I can't claim credit because I'm a liar, thief, and a cheat. You know? I destroy. I take. The only thing I give is heartache and misery. You know, so it's important for me to talk about the spiritual aspect of the program. And the most important part of this step, though, is to practice these principles in all of our affairs. I'm only in an AA meeting an hour and a half a day. What about the other 22 and a halve hours? What about at the time at work? You know. Should I come across you? Am I practicing these principles? What about to time with my family, my friends? In my neighborhood, you know? and my practice in these principles. For me, it's real easy to stay sober in the AA meeting. And it was someone else talking today, it may have been Karen, I forget who it was, but about doing the right thing outside the meetings. That's where it's tough for me. It's tough to do that. You know, I got involved in the service. I learned about the traditions and I love the traditions. You know the traditions are to the group but the steps are to any individual. The steps are how it works and the traditions of why it works. You know what the preamble says, our primary purpose And then the preamble is really nothing more but a condensed version of all the traditions if you actually listen to it. But in the preamble it says, our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. If I'm only staying sober and not helping other alcohols, that's half measures and half measures is about us nothing. And that 12th step takes a lot of different forms and fashions. In fact, we have a whole chapter dedicated how to 12-step people. But there's a lot of different things. This conference, these guys, the committee who put on this conference, that's 12-stepped work. I know there's new guys here. I know there's scholarship guys here. I also know there are guys up here listening to Fifth Steps, One Alcoholic. I mean, I was talking to a new guy myself, a couple of new guys today. That's 12-step work. Some of us have more time when we get involved in the intergroup, the central office, the area. I get uncomfortable when people say that's about politics. My experience, that has not been my experience. I was involved in an area, and I need to tell you, these are some of the most selfless people I've ever met. There were a lot of times, don't get me wrong, I would like to be home watching the Eagles but there was a committee meeting and I had to go to the committee meeting you know we have corrections I remember one time my sponsor he was taking me to Holmesburg it's a prison in Philadelphia since it's been closed he called me up a few weeks before he said Bobby we get prison commitment I said I ain't going up there he said yeah you are I said no I'm not I can't go up there I think I would have to use profanity I thought I would need to embellish my story because I didn't think I had anything to share with these guys he said Bobbie it doesn't matter what you do for a living he said you have a message of hope and that's what we carry this was about two or three weeks before so about about three or four days it's a Monday night right so like Friday I remembered the Cowboys and Eagles Monday night football so I called my sponsor obviously I'm going to make up a story and they see they see right through that he said Bobby you gave me your word he said that's a commitment he said besides he said if you pick up a drink I don't think Ron Jaworski is going to come over and 12 step your ass so I went on this commitment we went out to dinner I picked him up after work we went to dinner we went up there and there's a whole process to get buzzed in so we wind up spending about four hours together we go to the meeting no one shows up they're all on the block watching the game now I got a resentment and I'm leaving I make some sort of remark to the CEO on the gate I said I guess you transferred all your accolades up to Graterford he just looked at me didn't know what I was talking about my sponsor picked up on it right away in the car on the ride home. He said, you still don't get it. Your self-esteem is so big. He said we were here just in case. We are responsible for the effort not the outcome. We were here just in caso they showed up. And besides we had dinner we hung out for four or five hours we didn't drink. If they get it that's just a bonus. You know? But then I got involved in the area of service and I learned about the traditions and I love the traditions you know? And some great stuff. The traditions allow us to be wrong to make mistakes. and making mistakes don't make us drunk not learning from our mistakes or justifying those mistakes or making mistakes just out of arrogance that's the stuff that makes us drunk you know and I just love that stuff and then I start going to other places I'm just in Philadelphia alone like I said we got 1600 meetings a week and I would go to other parts of the city then when I got involved in the area I would be able to go because our official name was Southeast Pennsylvania so we had four other counties and I'd go to other counties and I remember the first time I went to a meeting out of my neighborhood I said you know what they're doing it wrong they weren't doing it wrong they were just doing it differently and I now like I've traveled throughout the country and out of the country and I like the way it happens like here tonight when you guys open up with that serenity prayer boy that throws me for a loop because that's the way we close our meetings back home we close with the serenite prayer but the deal is the delivery may be different but the message is the same and I think that's pretty neat I was in Mexico about 12 years ago, Spanish-speaking meeting. I was the only English-speaking person in the room. I thought I could speak Spanish because I worked at Barrio all those years. Now my Spanish, I was talking to someone earlier today, consisted of like, Dame pistola. Give me your gun. That's my Spanish. So I'm speaking Spanish in this meeting and these poor people look at me and they're figuring what the hell I was saying and I guess I got tired of insulting them so I switched over to English. And they still didn't know what the heck I was singing. And you know what? When I got done speaking they came up and they hugged me and I could tell who the old timer was by the serenity in their face and I can tell who the new guy was by the pain in their faces. Language of the heart. They may not have understood but you know what? They understood. And an incredible experience like that and to come to places I mean like a beautiful place like Montana. I've never been in the state of Montana before and I mean it's incredible as a result of being sober like a poor kid from me from South Philadelphia. This is incredible. You know, I love AA. You know? I'm not the poster boy of Aquahawks Anonymous I invite you come live with me for a week see what type of guy that I am but you know what I'm out whacking guys to bats I'm no longer I'm now dating other guys girlfriends I'm using other people's credit cards and I'm doing any of the other stuff I make mistakes I try to do the right thing and I really believe again without being arrogant I really belief I'm a man of dignity and honor today and I got that because the old timers showed me how to grow up I mean I was 27 I got sober as a kid I didn't know I was immature and I grew up in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm learning how to treat people and I love AA you know I got a friend back home she said AA is the corner she always wanted to hang on she didn't know where it was at see we hang on corners back I don't know what you hang up here you hang in the mountains I guess but I'll meet you by the fourth tree okay go down to the moose and hang a left I don' t know so but you know what man I love going to other places And I literally have friends throughout the country. I mean, Brad and the guys from Alaska I met last year in Cornhusker. You know, it's neat stuff. Where else does this happen? I mean in Philadelphia, I remember sitting in the bar and these were the stories. This was bullshit Bob. I'm going to do this. I'm gonna do that. I didn't do nothing. For me, it was the chore to get to the Jersey Shore an hour and a half away. And that was tough. And you know what? When I went down there, I drank. I never made the beach. I'd come home. I'd be white as a ghost. Some people said, I thought you was away for a week. I was. I was in a bar drinking. Nuts. I got back in 93 and I'm going to wrap this up real soon in 1993 I got diagnosed with cancer it was a real fluke way I found out you know I was training to run the Boston Marathon and so I got diagnosed with lung cancer I never smoked in my life a little reefer for a short period of time but I never smoked a cigarette so I wanted to get a second opinion it got confirmed and I remember driving home I don't want you to think I handled this well because I didn't you know and I said you know I'm sober for a while I'm doing the right thing like how dare this happen to me and my sponsor at the time who ironically passed shortly afterwards of lung cancer himself and he wasn't diagnosed yet he said Bobby what are you going to do about it so like the second opinion came I started treatment and I got really sick there and I had a position with the area and I needed to give it up because I didn't have the strength I just couldn't do the job and the only reason I wanted to hold the job was out of ego I want to be the youngest you know whatever and it was strictly out of egos so I had to give it up. And I went into remission, I got sick again and they wound up removing the lower left lobe of my lung. And I was in the hospital for a while and then I came home and I was laid up and I always made meetings, always. I mean, I'm still good five, six meetings a week. The reason being because that's where I find the newcomer. The newcomer doesn't know that I live at 707 Sears Street. That's why I go to meetings. In fact, when I goto meetings and I don't see any of my sponsors, if I hadn't heard from them for a long time for a little while and they want to come and talk to me, I say no. you got my phone number let's go over and talk to that guy we've never seen him before let's talk to him so I've always made meetings but I couldn't even make meetings anymore I was laid up in my house and you know what even though I may have had an excuse to go out and get loaded I didn't have a reason to go get loaded I had a pretty good life and you're what people start coming to my house and carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm talking people I knew from the assembly and people I really didn't even know that well that I may haven't met once or twice come to my home to carry the message Like I said, you're looking at a liar, thief and a cheat. I took from everyone. The only thing I gave was heartache and misery. And people came to my house and they're bringing me food and doing meetings. I'm a firm believer that my doctors did a pretty good job. But you know what? It was definitely prayers in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I went on remission. I was doing good for a while. And just recently, back in October, I wound up getting sick. I was like one month shy of five years. I'd been like total cancer free. In October, I got diagnosed again. And then I go through treatment again and I get kind of sick again. This is like a new hairdo, by the way. You go on chemo, you lose a few pounds, but I get a new hair do. I glow in the dark, but that's all right. But I just finished up treatment and in fact, last week was my... I get checked every three months and last week was my sixth month checkup. And Tuesday, I just got the news that I'm good for at least another three months. I was going to buy the warranty plan and see if I could extend this. But the deal is, you know what? I got a good life today in Alcoholics Anonymous. Beyond my wildest dreams, you now. I make mistakes. I try to do the right thing. You know, I'm just a regular guy just trying to get by. But you know What? I've met some wonderful, beautiful people. And I am truly grateful. And when people used to identify themselves as grateful alcoholics, man, they're clueless. What the hell are they talking about? Now I know what they're talking about. I'm grateful that a way of life has been shown to me that I was able to turn my life around. And I really thank you, and I thank the committee for the privilege of participating in an AA meeting. That's all I've got. Thanks.