The Depth and Weight of One Alcoholic with Another – Theresa F.

An alcoholic, please join me in a serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenety to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. All right, I'm going to jump around a little bit. We've got an hour to finish up on step one. I get so excited. And there's so much in here. Okay, I feel like, ah! oh goodness like so much i want to say okay again going on with the doctor's opinion says frosty emotional appeals seldom suffices the message which can interest and hold this alcoholic these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves if they are to recreate their lives. Here he's talking about this allergy of the body that I am different from my fellows. And then I frosty emotional appeal. That means people telling me, what's the matter with you? Could you stop doing that? I love you. You're a good person. You make good money or you have such great potential. Can't you see you're harming your family? That doesn't capture my attention. I go, yeah, yeah. I remember there was a man at a meeting and he shared how he was trying to get sober because his wife was threatening to leave and take the children. And he's been going to AA meetings and he's trying to understand this program and he is struggling and his wife is giving him a real hard time because she just can't deal with him the way he is anymore. And after the meeting I went to him and I said do you believe you are an alcoholic? Do you really want to stop? Do you have a desire? He said, I'm not sure But I just know that my wife insists that I come here and she wants me to do something about it. I think I'm okay. And I told him, I said, well, really, the problem is your wife. You need to get rid of your wife and open up a brothel and have a good old time. Everybody was like, no, you did not tell that man that. Problem's your wife, man. I was like she's a nag. She's messing up your drinking. How do you define frothy? Let's look up frothy. Anything unsubstantial or of little worth, foam, emit to gather froth. anything of substantial of little worth foam you like the foam on the top of even like the beer thing that foam it's frothy surface it's on the surface that's surface stuff how many times they ask the alcoholic why and we can't answer why do you do that I don't know you just do it stop asking me if I knew maybe I'll do something different the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight I always give the example of the smokers how many smokers do I have in the room smokers, smoke cigarettes very cool how many non-smokers do I have in the room? Okay. Leave your hands up. I only want those who quit smoking to leave your hand up. Those of you have never smoked cigarettes, put your hand down. Okay. So these are your quitters, right? You used to smoke and you quit. Now you see the hands of the people that are up smokers. Okay? Are you more likely to listen to them or to the ones that just put their hand down who never smoked a cigarette before. Who would you rather listen to? Huh? The ones who quit. The non-smoker, show me the hands of the non-smoker who never smoke, never ever ever? You never ever ever? The gentleman right here? Right behind? Yes, you. Okay, what do you think about smoking? I don't like it. You don't like it? That helps me tremendously. I'm going to quit tomorrow. That's going to help me give up cigarettes forever. I just don't like it oh i gotta stop what about you she thinks it's disgusting that's frosty appeal that does not capture my attention because she thinks is not oh yeah not good thank you for pointing that out nicotine addiction is just as bad i've been around somebody who's on an oxygen tank with a hole in their throat going oh my goodness that looks so terrible should i not be smoking around you god kisses so that means i won't be kissing you Do you know what I'm saying? Can't hear you. Can't really hear you I hear you but it's annoying As opposed to Now who's the person that used to smoke and quit Let me see Used to smoke And quit We haven't heard anything from you Tell me about your experience With used to smok And then quit What happened I really don't know It got cold outside And uncomfortable And expensive It got cold, expensive, and uncomfortable. How long did you smoke? Okay, not that long. Give me some long, hard-core smokers. Yes. For how long? Okay. And then what happened? Mmm. How about you, ma'am? I smoked for... about 23 years and I suddenly got into a rage I sat somewhere discovering that I had no more cigarettes in a few hours and it was a few days off the payday and I started planning how to fix that situation and in the middle of it I got mad what am I doing? why am I doing all these plans why am i trying to change so many things in my life only because of that little white thing I don't accept this and that day and did you have any cravings anything happen to you? well the first week was terrible I had cold sweat I couldn't see then I have a mental craving which went on for some time and it took 8 years until I said no when somebody in the party asked me if I wanted to participate I always took the part it took 18 years and then suddenly no, I don't want this anymore so I think that's rather a deep obsession so more open to hearing that I read in a medical paper the other day the connection between drinking and smoking is actually the connection I noticed that for years I'm sober, I don't smoke after two glasses of wine I start smoking right away so there's a connection there you got your hand up by the way in the back yes You know, the same thing happened to me with the pressure as it happened with alcohol. I didn't want to quit smoking, but I became disgusting as a smoker. Looking out once at a garbage can and going out with it like that. And I was sober, so I knew what was happening. And then what came worse was when I got back from the program, I got shamed. I felt embarrassed to be a smoger. Suddenly embarrassed to my sponsees. Just my image of myself started to change. And it was the pain that sort of drug it out of me. And I had to relapse, which is good for me because I didn't relapse in sobriety. But then I understood relapse because I had relapsed like 7, 10, I don't know, I freaking lost count. And I used to say to myself, if people can come back to AA and count days again, I can start again with green smoking. I can just start again, day one, day two. And how helpful it is to hear another person have that experience. Now, does that mean that I'm immediately now going to run out and throw out my pack of cigarettes? Nope. but the seed is planted and it gives me hope it tells me that there is the possibility that there's a chance for me to not be a smoker one day and when that time comes that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm ready I'll remember what you said and when I start going through those changes I remember you did and you made it i can go to you and say i remember you said that you were really sick or that this is that right yes and what did you do i just kept holding on okay i can have a whole lot more going on with you than the one that just said it's disgusting and you can't kiss me because we will break up all right bye and it's bad for your health okay you know what i'm saying i'm just giving an example because as well as with the cigarette smokers i always give an example we want to really understand addiction is that if you're a smoker you understand what that is of the allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind you can tell yourself that you're not but your body says i don't know what you're talking about but you're gonna have a cigarette and you're gonna smoke another one and there's an alarm that sets off And I can say, I'm not smoking a day. And my body goes, I don't think so. You're funny. Did you guys ever see a movie called Mr. Brooks? Yes. They call him Mr. Brookes. I love that movie. In this movie, he has like his alter ego. It's really his addiction following him all over the place. And he's a serial killer and an alcoholic and an addict. and my favorite line in this movie is he's driving and his disease is riding with him and he says I don't want to do this anymore I'm not killing anymore I'm giving this up and I'm going to tell this police officer and I'll turn myself in I do not want to live like this anymore and my favourite line is his disease says oh I don' t think so you seem to forget I love killing excuse the language fucking and drinking that's not going to happen that's a disease I can tell myself no and my disease says ha ha ha I don't think so I like doing it and you will do it that's the depth and weight one alcoholic has with another that is the only thing that has captured my attention is the depth and weight that I have found in the rooms I can listen to someone else tell me I have felt the way you felt I have been where you've been I've experienced what you've experienced and I'm not doing that today I'll listen to that before I listen to a family member a doctor, a social worker that's frosty appeal teachers, mentors doesn't faze me a bit all it does is create more guilt and shame maybe I become far more embarrassed so you know what I do I'll just eliminate you out of my life I'll do that with the people who make frosty appeal but with you people I want to hang out with you a little bit more and the doctor is saying to me that's the only thing that's going to capture my attention he also mentioned something about having a spiritual experience isn't it fascinating that he goes from this allergy of the body and we're talking about the obsession of the mind And now we're getting into depth and weight with another alcoholic and spiritual experience. Isn't that interesting? Nothing in there is talking about how they're not teaching me how to manage and control my drinking. They're not saying, we're going to teach you how you can deal with that allergy of the body. We're goingto teach youhow you can take hazelnut and you'll be all right. So that means maybe there's something more going on here than just an allergy ofthe body. so I have something physical going on but there's some other stuff happening that I'm not even aware of yet I think they start out with the allergy because I can pinpoint that and I can identify with that a little bit easier the allergy I can see that, that's tangible now the other stuff is not so tangible later on down at the bottom of this paragraph At the end of this paragraph, at the end Of this page rather, the last paragraph It says, men and Women, they don't separate Us Drink essentially Because they like the effect Produced by Alcohol That's why I drink I like the Effect produced By alcohol remember is this your experience i ask myself when i go through this book in the steps are they talking about me because if i can't identify that's okay too but i need to is that true do i like the effect i have to ask myself do i Like it yeah damn skippy i do i don't drink a glass of wine to compliment my dinner i don't care what i don'T EVEN EAT THE FOOD i don' t compliment it the plate of food just happens to be there because people are looking at me i like the effect produced by alcohol what's a fact Result, consequence Result Consequence I like the result it gives me I feel nice I get relaxed How about the consequence? The consequence? I like that I like to consequence It gives me courage I can talk I can dance Have better sex Makes me social You become funny The consequences I drink You get cute It's all good I like it When I'm not drinking I'm uncomfortable I feel awkward I feel isolated Separated apart from everybody else I don't know how to talk to you I have a pimple I know about it It's uncomfortable. You're looking at it. You don't like me. Nobody likes me. I shouldn't be here. And I drink all of a sudden, all that changes. The world looks completely different. Now nothing matters. I don't care if you don't want to dance with me. I'll dance by myself. I don'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME. I'M GONNA FOLLOW YOU AROUND ANYWAY. How many of us have done that? You know, they put their hands up. Person's like, get away from me. Oh, you know, you love me. You want to marry me? Stop it. You're just playing hard to get. It says the sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the truth from the false. If only. I can't tell the difference anymore. I can tell the difference between what's real and what isn't. Is it really the drinking that created the injury or something else? Maybe it's the people I was hanging out with. Maybe it' s the club I went to. Maybe it is because I work here or because I live here. I don't know the reality of anything anymore the sensation is so elusive the sensation that I receive when I drink is so great that even though it's injurious it really doesn't matter it doesn't matter when I take it in that's all that matters is the effect that's why I tell people I'm an alcoholic why? I like the effect produced by alcohol it is different for the non-alcoholic my brother's not an alcoholic when he drinks he says to me my hand's getting tingly i think i need to stop i'm like oh yeah better put it down i don't even know my hand tingles there's some people i know who drink that the minute they feel it they go feeling a little bubbly right they don't want the effect the normal drinker does not look for the they don'T want it they DON'T like it DON'T want to be a part of it they like who they are what they are I want to BE present and I want TO BE here I used to love you to say I am a social drinker just because you drink with other people makes you a social drinking that's funny a social drinker is there for the social occasion, not the drink. So therefore I ask you when you go somewhere social, what's the first thing you do when you arrive? You go talk to the people? You going to dance a little bit first? Probably not. The first thing you do is hit the bar if you didn't have a little nip before you got there. A social drinker is drinking while they're being social. They're there socially. Drinking is happenstance. It's the secondary. It doesn't really matter. That's why they're sipping. It's not really relevant to the situation. They are more interested in you. Me? I'm not interested in you. I'm just talking to you because you're there. You happen to be in my face. And after a while, if you're ignoring me, I'll walk away from you. That's so sad. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Oh, I love that. Most of us alcoholics, I used to always say that everybody I know drinks. That is normal. Everybody I know. I didn't know there were other people out there who didn't. I swore everybody drank. We all drink. That' s a normal way of living. How i live there's nothing wrong with it i do what everybody else is doing it's a normal one this is just life this is just how it is there's Nothing Wrong With It At All Nothing A Lot Of People Get Drunk From Time To Time And Puke And Throw Up And Have Blackouts As A Matter Of Fact I Find It Quite Fun Sometimes To Wake Up And Go I Did What No Way That I Do That I'm Hanging Out with other people that are alcoholics too and they think it's normal they're like oh yeah you was dancing butt naked on the table i'm like really what kind of on the way that i have on they are restless irritable and discontent unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks they they meaning me is that true based on my experience we get to ask ourselves is that true based upon your experience have you become restless irritable and discontent do you remember that did that happen to you who are they the alcoholic am i still questioning whether i'm an alcoholic or not they're defining the alcoholic to me that is exactly what this book is for it's not like they're giving me some opinion and idea now i get to take this and go i don't think that's an alcoholic this is the alcoholic they like the effect their rest is irritable and discontent who are they the alcoholic well is that me yes then maybe i'm an alcoholic it isn't that trippy that's how i saw it they're talking about the alcoholic is that me yes what does that make me an alcoholic because i do that i am restless irritable and discontent unless they can again what am i looking for i want to have this experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once because I like the effect by taking a few drinks. Drinks which they see others taking with impunity. I see other people taking drinks and it's real simple. They seem to be cool and they're chilling. I see Other People doing that. My greatest obsession is to do like that. They have a glass of wine, they order a martini, They're chilling. I love all those commercials. They're all bright-eyed and fresh. Like you say, they go home, party's over, had enough. Oh, got to run, got dinner, dinner on the table. The key thing in here is that I am restless, irritable, and discontent unless I have that experience. That's what makes me an alcoholic. The normal drinker is not restless, irritable, and discontent. But I am. I am That means something else is happening here I am restless, irritable and discondent Unless I get that ease and comfort That comes from the first few drinks Oh when I get it That's all I really wanted Oh how relaxing that is Oof I can breathe now Before that I'm like this do i want to be that way no i don't want to be all like that but that's how i am that's why i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it that's why i am willing to just hustle sell trees in the middle of the night steal from you leave family hurt people run i'm restless irritable and discontent i gotta get rid of that feeling that's where we get sober we go crazy alcoholics wonder why you start tripping when you get to AA and you're not drinking, your rest is irritable and discontent. Tell a newcomer, that's why you're supposed to be like that. You're not getting the ease and comfort that comes from the first drink. Hold on. We never let that pass. The moment I got that way, I went and reached for something. That's why a lot of times we get sober, we reach for food, sex, gambling, money, because our rest is irritable and discontent we get in relationships well i'm in love something fix me fix me fix me i don't know how to just be after they have succumbed to the desire again and so many do the phenomenon of craving develops they pass through a well-known stages of a spree emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again this is repeated over and over unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope for his recovery hmm is that me i need to ask myself after i succumb to the desire again and so many do So many who? Alcoholics. Have I succumbed? Yes, I have. Perhaps I'm an alcoholic. Don't taste good on my mouth saying that, but you know what? Damn. They ain't lying. The secret is out. Oh my. That gets scary. The Phenomenon of Craving What's Phenomena? Phenomina Phenomnia That's from Sesame Street Phenомина I like that Then the other guy goes Phenomination Fact or occurrence that appears or is perceived fact or occurrence that appears or is perceived something is happening it's occurring, it's a fact it's going on it's happening the phenomenon, most of us see a phenomenon as just unexplainable but it's happening the phenomenon of craving is kicking in, that's the allergy of the body oh this is not good news for me then it tells me that i passed through well-known stages of sprees emerging remorseful i come out of them feeling bad oh god again what am i doing here oh i didn't want to do that who are you oh my what did i do now and then it says with a firm resolution not to drink again oh how many of us did that i won't be doing that again oh i swear it's not going to be like that they're telling me that the average drinker doesn't do that a normal drinker does not going around making resolutions not to drank again It's so funny We walk around saying I'm not an alcoholic Non-alcoholics don't do that Non-Alcoholics Don't go I'm just going to have one tonight Why would they do that I'm Just going to Do a little I won't be doing that tomorrow I don't have a need to do that Because that's not going to happen tomorrow When I drink it's a wild card I used to tell people it's not even how much you drink. It's what happens when you drink, not even how much. What happens when you drink? Can you guarantee me when you drink exactly how the night is going to end? No, you cannot. It is a wild card. You have no idea what is going to happen. The average normal drinker can tell you exactly how that evening is going to end. I cannot. Anything is possible. I might go home and go to bed early. That happens. It's a good night. We had fun. I didn't dance butt naked on the table. It was a wonderful evening. You see? And we lied to ourselves. You see, I can drink. And then tomorrow, that don't happen. Every day is a different day. I have no idea. The only thing I do know is I like the effect. and i want to get rid of being restless irritable and discontent that's all i know what comes after that it don't matter it says this is repeated over and over unless this person can experience an entire psychic change this happens over andover andover again i need to experience a psychic change they talk about a psychic changing this book which is a spiritual experience Here they go with this spiritual thing again. You mean to tell me that I can't address this by just not doing something anymore? Remember, the other half of step one is unmanageability. I am powerless and my life is un manageable. They're talking about a spiritual experience. Has nothing to do with technicality. Has nothing TO DO WITH ME TRYING TO MANAGE AND CONTROL. something spiritual something beyond me has to happen to me that's the only thing that's going to help me something spiritual oh that's scary I ain't been dealing with nothing spiritual lately oh lordy what are they talking about bible, church what the heck who wants to do that run, run as fast as you can it says there is very little hope for his recovery on the other hand and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand once a psychic change has occurred the very same person who seemed doomed who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol the only effort necessary being that's required is to follow a few simple rules. Isn't that amazing? That just tripped me out. With all the things I've been doing in my life to not do that anymore, you're telling me A, I just need somebody with depth and weight and B, a psychic change and all of a sudden now I can do this thing that I've be trying to do every day? And say now I'm not going to do this anymore? AA fascinated me because I didn't come up with this. As brilliant as I am, I don't ever remember coming up with this. You impressed me. You got my attention. I was like, you guys are something. You kind of throwing some stuff at me that I never did. That I didn't even come up with. You're impressive. I like you people. You challenge me. A few simple rules. The steps and the principles of this program is what they're talking about. Hmm. At the bottom of this page, it says, I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely of mental control. That's why they used to put us in the psych ward before and a padded cell with a straight jacket because they thought it was all mental. They didn't understand what was wrong with you. Most people know the story of the Jay Walker, yeah? I love the Jay Walkers. I was thinking of Lila. She goes, oh goodness, if you don't know the Jay walker, please let's read it. We'll read it in a minute. Most people thought it wasn't mental. It was all metal. There's something psychologically going on with you? why would you dance butt naked on the tables harm people and turn around and do it the next day if you weren't psychologically damaged so let's put you in a mental institution give you some belladonna strip nine or something kind of get you together and go back out there it's all about mental control these affirmations we try to do to ourselves around here not going to do it today I'm not going to just write notes to myself on the mirror. Mind over matter. That didn't work. I went to spiritual retreats, asylums. I read self-help books. I did affirmation. I even did subliminal tapes. Y'all got sublimial tapes out here? They just play music and there's voices behind it you don't hear? That didn'T do nothing for me. I used to put it on for the kids so I could watch them react while I was drinking and watching them and laughing at them. Because it worked on the kids. They were like, I put on the ones that relaxed you and they were relaxed. And then I put in the ones that would have them hopping around and give you energy. And I just played with those things. I don't remember them doing anything to me subliminally. I don' t know what happened. I did a lot of things. How many things did I do to not do this anymore? We have to ask ourselves that question. As you're sitting here, we're going over this. We're looking at step one. Ken, is it possible that just maybe what you're doing is not working? Why is that? Is it because you're incompetent? Or is it just because you are an alcoholic? I take any other illness. It applies the same. Same thing with the hazelnut that he talks about being allergic to that. We're talking about diabetes. What, the diabetic is walking around going, I will have a piece of pie. I will Have a Piece of Pie. And when I do, I will not get sick. They don't get to do that. They get to go, I can't have a piece of pie. Then I have to check my insulin and I got to take my medication. And yes, my life has changed. But I know what I am. Before I found out I was diabetic, I was just passing out all the time, walking around going blah, blah, bla, blah. Sick all the same. All the time and didn't understand why. So I went to the doctor and they said, you got diabetes. And I went, oh, is that what it is? There's treatment for that. Now I can actually live a life. I can live a full life, a rich life, knowing what it is. But if you walk around going, I'm not an alcoholic, then keep having your experience. You walk around saying, I don't know what it is. You walk along going, I can have hazelnut. He's going to get all jacked up, congested, nosy, going to keep that. No, I will eat a hazelnuts. I will need a hazel nut. i will have pie we do that as alcoholics you know i am not gonna admit that i'm an alcoholic that's what step one says i'm not gonna do that i can drink i don't have an allergy those people are ridiculous sure i drink and it keeps going and i tell myself i'm nah but that's something else altogether that's how sick we are i know for me i was like cool thank you for letting me know i didn't know what the problem was fine i got a phenomenon of craving obsession of the mind allergy of the body that works for me i was i'll go with that is that going to help me to not do what i'm doing who's phone answer maybe it's for me they're looking for me the next thing the doctor does is he goes over the different types of alcoholics and i get to see if i am that's on the next page i got xxviii and what you got on the fourth XXX XXX And the fourth edition is XXX And in the third edition is XXVII oh I like the top of this the rest of the sentences at the top it says these men were not drinking to escape they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control I was just drinking to relax I could stop at any time says there are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which caused men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight. We're talking about the phenomenon of craving, which is still this allergy of the body. The classification of alcoholics seem most difficult and in much detail is outside the scope of this book. They are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable. We are all familiar with this type. we're emotionally unstable I'm just a mess they're always going on the wagon for keeps they are over remorseful and make resolutions but never a decision that's the first type there is a type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment. Is that me I need to ask myself? Did I do that? Are they classifying what type I am? I plan various ways of drinking I even change my brand and my environment thinking if I find the right combination it'll be alright.