The Defective Character of a Police Officer – Frank J.

I'm Frank Jones. I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Bob for asking me to come and participate here at the state line. It's an honor, and I'll tell you, I sit there and I've listened to the speakers since Thursday, and it amazes me. And I really enjoyed the talks that they gave, and I don't even have to talk about six and seven. Ralph did it, so I think that's cool. I guess I'll go right into the fifth step without the heavy breathing, so I don' t have a problem with that. And, but I always get mystified when I stand or sit at a meeting and I listen to the people participate and with the intelligence and the composure and the things that they say about the big book and about Alcoholics Anonymous and the thing that they're doing and how they understand things. and I'm serious about that it's not a wise crack I am amazed at what they have got out of this program and then I have to start thinking where in the hell did I go wrong because I don't understand any of that and when someone told me when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous to keep it simple I really have so I'm going to lower the bar just a little bit So you might as well get ready and probably have a longer lunch than you anticipated. Because Bob asked me to speak on Step 6 and 7, which has to do with defects of character and shortcomings. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have any. I haven't had any since I've been here so I'm going to have a hard time talking about something I really don't know anything about so what I'm gonna have to do is just point people out in the audience and I'm gonna have to talk about yours as Frank sees it and I am going to start with the old guy sitting right here at this table I really shouldn't do it because he has the might to last, but I've never cared about anything anyway, so I don't care about that. All the people that think that he is such a nice man that saves people's lives and has this tremendous intellect and knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous, I need to enlighten you on a couple of things. He has picked on me. Don't turn on me, I will come from behind the podium. I am not a spiritual giant like the rest of these people here. I am an angry, hateful man. So all this love and stuff and hugging you do with the others, don't try it. But I got sober, and I didn't know who Clancy was. I had never heard of him because the first 13 months that I was sober, I did not attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous because I didn' t have a desire to take a drink. And that's what I heard at my first meeting. If you want a drink, come to AA. And I have not had a desire to take a drink of alcohol in over 30 years. And what happened over that 13 months, some folks here know my story, is I got progressively more angry and crazy and depressed and desperate, and I finally flipped out after I choked a guy out in a real estate office for asking me how I was doing. I felt it was a personal question. and the folks that were in that office that day happened to be a member of my home group and they took me back to the garage I was living in and sat with me for about a week sent my family to his house and at the end of that week they tookme down to this man named Clancy I had not heard of him I thought he looked like a little elf and he sat in the office and he explained to me something that day which has saved my life to this day. He said I didn't have a problem drinking, I had a problem living and I needed to find a living answer to my living problem and I would find it in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was living in a garage not attached to a house. We were sleeping on the floor of that garage, my wife and my two daughters, aged three and eight. we were eaten out of a styrofoam chest and we had a hose run from the neighbor's house to there because there was no water it wasn't, it was just the garage and a mission truck pulls up from the midnight mission and they unload three beds I have two daughters, a wife and me four people they unloaded three beds army cots and three small mattresses, army blankets, and a couple of sheets for each bed. That upset me. So I go down to a pay phone and I call him and I said, you only sent three beds and four of us are living here. And he said, You lost the furniture, you son of a bitch. Sleep on the floor. So all of you should think he is so nice he's not that was my first week as him as my sponsor shortly after that I'm down at the mission complaining about something we had no washer or dryer and he took a roll of quarters and wrote a little note to my wife and wrapped that in the note the quarters and gave it to me and he said give this to your wife and I went home and I gave it her and the note said, since your husband's too cheap to buy you a washer or dryer, here's money so you can get your clothes washed. I didn't have a job, no money, no nothing. He's just picking on me again. You folks that admire and love him, you are lucky he is still walking. I could have taken his life. But the man has saved my life. We're playing volleyball at the yard one day. just this is the last thing. This is how cruel he is. I am a Vietnam veteran. I was wounded twice in Vietnam. I spent 25 months over there. And we're playing volleyball, and I hit a ball into the net. And he yells at me in front of about 130 people. It's okay to win here. this isn't Vietnam. If you think he works a spiritual program, you're wrong. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was homeless. I had lived out on the streets for almost a year. and the first time I ever got called on to participate I stood at a podium of Alcoholics Anonymous at a participation meeting in our group on a Tuesday night and I made this statement quite sincerely. When I was out there drinking I didn't hurt anybody but myself and I was serious because I didnít think I hurt anybody. I was never home to yell at the kids. I wasnít around and in my mind I was so deluded, so crazy, and so soaked with alcohol, self-obsession, self-pity, and self-centeredness, I could see nothing but me. I didn't think I had any defects of character or any shortcomings. And I'm serious. I really didn't thing I did. Looking back over my life, I have no reason for being an alcoholic. I don't know why I am an immature, self-centered, egotistical alcoholic. My parents were outstanding. I had a great mom and dad. Dad worked on the railroad. My mom took care of me and my two brothers. I did everything that kids loved doing growing up. I played Little League baseball, Pony League football, basketball, run track, had a scholarship to go to college and play basketball. all. I was popular. I had girlfriends. There is no reason for me to have acted in high school the way I acted. I felt entitled all my life. Nobody taught me to be entitled. My dad worked hard. He got up every morning, packed a lunchbox and went to drive trains. And my mom worked her butt off keeping that house clean and decent and raising us three boys. I don't know where my sense of entitlement come from. I don'T know why I started stealing and giving stuff to people so they'd like me. I didn't in my mind register that as being anything wrong. I really didn't. I'm serious. I was raised Catholic. I know about the Ten Commandments. I know About the Church. I know about right from wrong. I did not, in my mind, I am so self-absorbed and so entitled, I didn't think stealing was a bad thing. And I used to do it all the time. I didnít think that lying was a big deal. And I lied about, I didní't have to lie about nothing. And I laid about everything. I hadnít even drank yet. I was so consumed with fear and what people thought about me and their perception of me and how I felt about myself. I became a fighter at a very early age and I started knocking people around in elementary school in the first and second grade. I would get in fist fights. My parents never taught, my dad never raised his voice to my mom in my presence ever. I don't know where the anger came from. I don't know where my attitude that I had came from of wanting to be something and I don' t know what that something is and I had no defects of character when I got here all I want is more give me, lend me, can I have let me borrow, do for me, praise me Clancy said it best and when I heard it, it rang a bell if you treat me normal like a normal person that you treat other people, I feel rejected. If you treat me special and like I'm really cool and you really like me a lot and you praise me and talk about me and slap me on the back, I feeling normal. I don't know where that came from. I wasn't raised that way. My mother and father weren't that way, they're not alcoholics. When I drank, it got worse. My actions, my attitude, my mouth, my language, everything progressed to a worse degree than it is before I ever started drinking. And that's not good. And then I joined the Marine Corps. And then they gave me guns and live ammunition. and they send me to a place where you can use them. And I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people and I thought I had to do that to show the people around me how tough I was, how non-feeling I was and I don't know where this men ain't supposed to feel nothing come from. My dad never displayed that to me. My Dad was a good and decent man, a very hard-working man. And I don't know where those things come from. But I felt that I had to show everybody how tough and how bad I was because of my self-centeredness and my soul sickness, which all has to do with a broken character. I don'T know where my character got broke. I have no clue. And so I did a lot of bad things to a lot people. And I thought everything that I did is okay. And after that, 11 years in the Marine Corps, I drank myself out of there. I didn't think they were acting up to my standards. So when my enlistment was up, I got out of the Marine Corp and became a police officer. If you think that's funny, I will jack you up. You need to have respect for authority. and you put a gun and a badge on me with my attitude and my self-centeredness and my ego and all of my defects of character, which I didn't have and nobody could ever convince me I did, that is a bad situation. And I did a lot of bad things when I was a police officer. You will do exactly as I tell you to do because I was God. I can take your life. A police officer can take your life. I can put you in jail. I can take Your freedom. And I did that. I was so high and mighty in my mind that if I thought you were lying to me or you weren't respecting the authority that I represented and my partners represented, I would pencil whip you in a report and put you in jail. I'm not proud of that. That's where I go because I don't have any defects of character or shortcomings. I got married. I still have to be validated. If my wife can't validate me, I will find another woman that will. Because you see, I wasn't enough. Being a combat veteran, being a Marine Staff NCO, being a police officer is not enough for me. I don't know about you. I don' t know what part of your life isn' t enough for you. I don' T know how much money' s not enough. I don' T know how big of a car is not enough. I don t know how big of a home you have to have and it ain' t enough. I don' t know how beautiful your wife has to be, the clothes you wear, the jewelry you wear, I don't know what is not enough for you. If you're like me, that wasn't the reason. I just really worked hard and deserved better. You see, my mind can convince me that everything I'm doing is okay or I wouldn't be doing it. It has nothing to do with greed. it has nothing to do with any of the defects of character from sloth to jealousy or anything else it has to do with feeding me and my soul to make me feel whole it has to do with me being the human being I think I should be I think it's about me being the human thing that I want you to see and have respect for and admire and so I always need more gimme, gimme gimme and I verbally abused that wife and if I get in an argument with you I can fillet you that quick but you see I wouldn't have done that had she not caused me to do it it is her fault not my fault and when I got back from Vietnam she was doing that and yelling at me and I told her to shut up or I'll kill her, and she didn't believe me. And a man who is like me that's self-centered, when I say something, I mean it, and I will do it. And I went and got a gun, and I was going to shoot that woman. Now, I'm so self-absorbed and self-obsessed and driven by me, my children are there and my daughter standing between my legs telling me, don't shoot her mommy. And I am more important of proving my point than risking that little girl's life that is crying and telling me don't shot her mommy and I have no defects of character. I wouldn't be doing it if she had shut up. I don't know about you. I don' t know where your ego takes you. I don''t know where yourself centeredness takes you but if it's like me, everything I do is okay or I wouldn't have done it. You see, everything I do, good or bad, my head tells me it's okay or I would not have done It. And I had no defects of character when I got here. I ended up shooting myself in the hand. That's not funny. It hurt. I was a sniper in Vietnam so I still had a good record I didn't miss when I fired what happened was as I became a perfectionist and I have since learned when I told my sponsor I was an perfectionist he said well just tell me Slim what are you perfect at he's just so cute there's shit that he can come up with I just love it and there's nothing I'm perfect at but my mind tells me I'm imperfect at everything and everything I do is okay or I wouldn't do it and my kids would do their homework and I would look at their homework and if it had a misspelled word or anything erased on it I would tear it up and tell them do it again do it right If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. It's not worth doing right. It's worth doing my way. I didn't have any defects of character. That's the kind of father I was. I thought I was raising him right. I was teaching him discipline. Everything I did, I had a reason for the reason I did it or I wouldn't have done it. And I verbally harangued that family to death. an ego and jealousy and sloth and ambition and all the things is not enough because I put such demands on myself and my family and the people around me that there is no way in hell they could possibly live up to the demands that I put on them and I was making them ready for adulthood. That's the kind of father I was. That's what I was going to be. That's kind of husband I was I had no defects of character or shortcomings when I told you I would be someplace I may not show up or I would show up when I thought it was convenient for me I didn't care about you the only thing I ever cared about was myself. Now, I'm convinced in my mind at that time that I care about you. I'm just teaching you lessons. That's what I think about. You see, I can totally delude myself into believing that everything I'm doing is okay and that everything I're doing is to benefit you. What it's doing is feeding my self-absorption is what it's done, and I didn't know that. Alcohol didn't mask that. alcohol allowed me to go into grander places in my mind and increase the intensity of what was going on around me. That's what it did. I made a lot of money in real estate after I left the police department because my female partner shot me. I guess any time I get shot, it just thrills you people, doesn't it? I guess you don't have any defects of character either, huh? You don't take pleasure in other people's suffering, do you? She shot me in the head because I got my wife pregnant. Now what the hell is up with that? I guess her and I were doing a fifth step about every night, I don't know. You'll get it. You're a little slow, but you'll catch it. Ralph said it at the end of his talk, for Christ's sakes. But she shot me and I got out of the police department and I've got a real estate license. I have ambition because I want to support that family and I want give them the things that I think they should have that are nice. Number one, if I do that, it helps assuage my guilt for the things I'm doing and the things I'm saying and how I'm treating them and the fact I'm never around. So I'm trying to buy them. And I made a ton of money in real estate. I will rip you off. And if you're a liar and a cheat and you're in real state in the late 70s, you will make a ton of money. And I did. And I owned a lot of property, and a strip mall, and we had everything that money can buy. And all I did is get worse. And I was never home because I have to make money. You see, greed is not ambition. Ambition is working hard and having a goal and working to that goal and having the maturity to level out the rest of your life around the ambition. Greed is what I had, and I call it ambition because I wanted more. There's never enough money for anything. I don't know about you. I could never have enough. The house is too small. We had a house built on a quarter acre, put a swimming pool in it, a three-hole putting green and it wasn't good enough. I paid cash for two new Cadillacs and it was not good enough, nothing is ever good enough and therefore I have to go out and I have work except I am working with a female partner in the real estate office. We were doing our inventories. I masked that as ambition. It was greed and lust, no integrity, no loyalty, no faithfulness, but it was a lot of fun. And I enjoyed it. And I had a great time. And I have to be validated. I had to feel like all the things I was doing for that family, I was successful. And that's what made me feel successful. I had no defects of character or shortcomings. I was convinced I was going okay. When I ended up homeless on the streets and my wife and family had left, you couldn't convince me I had problem. I had no humility, which is part of step seven. It was all about me. Everything was about me and if something bad happened, I could blame other people or situations or things or I've never had a break and then I'd be consumed with self-pity, feeling sorry for myself because it didn't go the way I thought it should. I'd say I was going to do something, I would never do it. I would commit my sins of omission or commission. I either failed to do the things I should have, or I did things I shouldn't. And I lied and I cheated and I put a facade out there and my defects of character and shortcomings were nothing I could see but probably everybody around me could. And when I ended up – my parents found out I was dying on the streets in Simi Valley in California. They had me committed and strapped down in a hospital and I was upset about that because I don't know why they did that. I'm a veteran for Christ's sakes. I hadn't done anything wrong in my mind. I had worked hard. I'd made money. I supported that family. They didn't appreciate it. And they had me strapped down. I hadn't spoke to my parents in almost four years. It was not my fault. I didn't like what they said when I called, so I quit calling. How could they talk to me that way? My ego is bigger than this whole resort. And that's how I felt. That was an honest feeling. I wasn't kidding myself. That is how I feel. I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and like I said I really didn't believe I had any defects of character or shortcomings. I had some bad breaks. I had people that misunderstood me. And I had to start doing these 12 steps. I didn't really think they pertained to me. I was raised Catholic. I've been to confession. No, he never touched me. I did drink all the wine for communion and steal a chalice once, but what the hell? They got more than one. And I thought it would be cool to have. I've seen the Knights of the Round Table. So I stole it. I thought I worked there. They didn't pay me. I started looking at the things I had done over my life when I did that inventory and I couldn't convince myself you see I can read anything in the big book or in the 12 and 12 and like I said the people that spoke so eloquently about the things they talked about I couldn't get that when I read it I can't get it what I had to do is start listening to the old timers in my home group what I was told what I said what I started doing is being brought into a humble state not beat down I had to be brought in and back down to size and my sponsor happens to be very good at that the illustrations I gave you in the beginning of my talk are the ways he did that and the way I could quit taking myself so seriously and take a really good look at me. Because when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I watched the old-timers and they had big cars and they hade nice homes and they looked really nice when they were at the meetings and they hade watches. They hade rings. That's what I wanted Because when I got here, I'd been homeless. I didn't have anything. And I was still putting demands on the people around me because I still had my chinchy attitude and I was filled with anger and Iwas filled with hate and despair and desperation and they had to get on me. My sponsor told me to start doing some things to get out of myself and to bring me back into a humble state. He told meto go around and shake hands with everybody. Well, I don't want to shake hands with you. I don' t even know who in the hell you are. And I had ideas about every race and creed of people that was in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I used those racial terms until my sponsor snapped me up physically by the shirt and told me to quit using that language. And then he told me something, and this won' t affect you at all, but it affected me. He told me to go stand outside the men's restroom and shake hands with everybody that comes out until I found Don Newcomb, not the pitcher, the convict. Now my ego is such, and I am such a wonderful, sanitary, clean, holy individual, I couldn't believe he wanted me to shake hands. I don't know if they washed their hands or not. I don'T KNOW WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING WITH THEM. I DIDN'T KNOW THE REASON HE TOLD ME THAT. I DO TODAY. IT'S TO GET ME IN LINE. AND I'M NOTHING BUT ONE OF THE GRAINS OF SAND ON THE BEACH OF SOBRIETY. THAT'S ALL I AM. I AM NOT ABOVE OR BELOW ANYBODY. I can put myself in either of those positions with my defects of character and shortcomings if I allow them to bloom and blossom. But if he makes me a grain of sand on the beach of sobriety, I am okay. And I stood out there and shook everybody's hand. I don't know why I don'T do things like that to humiliate myself. I used to call and tell him my daughters when we finally moved into a real house. my daughter's bedrooms. I don't know why women have to use three or four towels to dry their hair. I do not know why they have to have the curling iron hung on the drawer, the bra and the panties and the bedclothes in the middle of the floor and posters and shit on the ceiling. I do no know why you got to have that. And it used to make me crazy because I wanted the house perfect. And I would call and whine and complain to my sponsor and he said whose room is it? I I said, it's my daughter's. And he said, when you walk by, shut the door. You don't have to look at it. It's not your room. It's their room. Why don't you give them a haven where they're safe? Away from you, you maniac. And he hung up on me. I had to learn that the world did not operate the way I thought it should, and it never will. People don't have to do it my way. I hadto find that out in Alcoholics Anonymous. I hadtofindoutthatiwasoneamongmanymystandardsyoudonothavetoliveupto. I don't like people's standards in AA. Now, if this hits you, don't come up and tell me at the end because I don't care. But I'm just going to lay some things out that bother me. And you probably do them because most people in AA do them now. But it aggravates the hell out of me when I see it. Because we didn't have cell phones when I got here. But when I speak or I'm standing at the podium Or I'm sitting in a meeting And I see a cell phone light up It absolutely drives me insane That is total disrespect for AA Put the damn phone away You're not a transplant surgeon You're on call You're in an AA meeting and I must voice my opinion about that to them and I know I shouldn't I hate people that sit and look at pictures and shit or read letters during the meeting you have contempt for what's saving your life are you kidding me now when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous I used to eyeball all the women and shit and wave and wink and I didn't care what the speaker was saying or doing. That was me. I had a reason. I was lonely. You don't have a reason, don't do that in a meeting. These are my defects of characters. Those things still aggravate me. People that sit around in a meet-up with a hat on. Didn't your parents tell you when you enter a building, take your hat off? For God's sakes, who are you hiding from? Or your sunglasses and shit on. Are you kidding? These things still aggravate me. These are my defects of character. I'm not a wonderful human being because I got over 30 years sober. I am a human being, and I have these feelings. What I do is I try not to let them, my defects or characters, I try Not to inflict them on you, but these things I inflict on you. Have respect for AA. Sit and pay attention at the meeting. Even if there's a dummy like me standing up here talking, simulate interest. Barrett, stop clapping. I will come over and choke your little ass out. I don't even know why short people come to AA. There's just really no reason. You should be in a department store with Santa in a pointy hat and shit and pointy shoes. There's another defective character. I'm judgmental. When my daughters were growing up, they were three and eight, and then my other two kids didn't live with me when I got sober. And I tell a story about being in a grocery store and a woman having more than ten items in the ten-item line. And it irritated me. And then she broke a checkbook out and the sign said cash. And I threw her groceries all over the grocery store. And four sheriffs came to talk to me. I was ten months sober. My three-year-old daughter was with me. I am so self-obsessed it's how I feel and how I feel if I think you've wronged me and you make me look bad and you make me wait because don't you know I'm trying to stay sober and I'm trying to live a life. Don't you understand that? And you're there with 13 god damn items in this 10 item line you silly old woman I don't take into consideration I have a 3 year old with me that is now terrified because it's all about me. I don't have any defects of character. I'm doing it because I know the store law and she's violating it. And the sheriffs come and my daughter is crying and hysterical. I do not look at that as hurting her. That is me without Alcoholics Anonymous in these 12 steps. That's me today. If you scratch a scab off of me, I will bleed on you. I am not a good human... I tell people I'm not a good man because I'm over 30 years sober. I'm never a good husband or a good father because I've got time. Time doesn't make you a decent human being. Your actions in Alcoholics Anonymous and what you learn here and put into practice physically outside these rooms hopefully will make you a decent human being. But I'm not a good father, good husband, or good man because I'm over 30 years sober. I try to be a good member of AA because this program saves my sanity. Because this program allows me to live outside these rooms and I don't have to inflict myself on people most of the time. This is going to shock you. i still have lust and greed and sloth and jealousy i still have all the things that they're in me i hear people when i was new say i'm a completely different person than when i come to aa and i used to look at him think what you have a sex change operation what were you before antelope what the hell are you i am the same person that came to clancy's office 30 years ago. I am that person. Do not kid yourself. And if you scratch a scab off of me, I can be that person really quick. What I try to do is not let those things overwhelm me to where I take them outside these rooms or bring them in these rooms and act that way today. But I'm a better husband, father, and man today than I was 30 years ago, hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little bit better than I was today, but I can't guarantee that because I'm still a human being. And I don't use that as a cop-out. When I got sober and started coming to meetings and I have to try, see I watch you, I can read everything and I canít be eloquent and have the understanding and knowledge that these other people have and Iím serious about that. I have watch how you act and I try to act the way you act. And luckily when I I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. It ain't the way it is today, guys and women coming into AA half-dressed, tank tops, flip-flops, shorts, you know, being cool, a little hat cocked sideways and shit. That just screams, look at me, I'm precious. Am I cute or what in this damn thing? Don't talk to me about the steps. I'm too busy being dapper. But I'm glad I didn't get here then. And I'm glad I got here when the old-timers didn't give a shit about your feelings. They cared about your sobriety and your life. And they didn't mince words. And Clancy wasn't the only one in that group that did that. Every male member in that Group was the same as him. And you couldn't get away with anything. If you didn't dress right for a meeting, if you didn' t have respect for AA, if you didn't treat your family right if you did not clean your language up and quit using the F word around the women and you could not use it at the podium they would get on you they did not say let me give you a hug you are evidently having a bad day they used to say I ever hear that shit coming out of your mouth again get out of the meeting that is how they were I had to be taught that way as a result of what they have done for me by their example. Because you can say anything to me you want to say, but I watch you and I watch their example and I tried to emulate what they were doing. And it held me in good stead. And I went to seven meetings a week the first three years I was sober. And I had commitments at those meetings. I can't come in here and suck the life out of it and leave. I have to give something back, and I have to clean up or do the coffee pots or take the trash out. I have to do something in a meeting. I can't be a taker. I learned that from my sponsor and the old-timers in my group. And then I had to take it home with me because that's where I have a problem living. I have a problem living around kids that don't live up to my demands and expectations. And a wife that don'T do it right, she should be doing it my way. And little by little over time, I learned how to be a husband. I learned it was a relationship and I needed to treat her the way I wanted to be treated. I had to respect her the ways I wanted her to respect me. I haven't done anything in sobriety to validate myself. Everything I've done, and I've done bad things, most of the people know it. But I don't have to be validated. I did it because I wanted I had to learn how to be a father I didn't know how to be a boss I thought I had to be the boss I thought I had to be the drill instructor like I was in the Marine Corps no I found out I had to respect my kids if I wanted them to respect me I had to lower my voice in the house I had to quit being that person I had to become a father I had to learn how to do that I had to let them grow up make their mistakes make their decisions as a result of that I have a relationship with three out of my four children I asked my kids when they got out of high school I said let me ask you something my two daughters that were there and then my other daughter came out I said did it ever bother you that I was always gone at meetings the first three years I was at a meeting every night I couldn't go to your school functions I couldn' t go when you were a cheerleader Trace I couldn''t attend the school activities with you parent teacher night your mom had to go did it ever bother you or anything and my daughters looked at me and said no because when you went to AA meetings when you came home you were fun to be around see that's what you get here if you let these defective characters and these shortcomings out of your life and let room, like Ralph said, for grace to come in. And I don't have a lot of grace. I'm going to tell you they're in teaspoons. But my kids said, Dad, when you go to AA and you come home, you're fun to be around. That tells me something about Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't tell me anything about me. But it tells me Something About This program if you put an effort into it and work at it. If you try to change, because if you think you can come in here and stay the same person you were and acting that way, you will never stay. I had to change my actions. I hadと change how I treated people around me. I had то learn to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and the human race. I learned it here by watching you. I learned at here by following your example. I'm a part of those kids' life. My daughter has twin grandbabies. They just turned a year, my granddaughters and my grandsons three. And I've got six other grandkids and my oldest grandchild is 22 years old. And they love their grandpa. They think I'm funny. You folks don't, but they do. And I'm going to tell you something. I really don't give a shit what you think. I think I care what my grandkids think because that's where the payoff is. I get to be around them. I get with them. I get the hug them, they get to hug me. They get to laugh and stuff, they think I'm funny. My youngest daughter, she's 34-year-old, she is LAPD, I worry about her. I had a scanner so I could hear her call. She said if I ever see you show up at the scene where I'm working dad, I'll have you arrested for stalking. I told her, partner, if my daughter ever gets hurt and I come to the hospital, you need to be hurt too even if it's self-inflicted. They love me today. You can't feature it, but I can. My oldest daughter is an attorney for a medical corporation in Indiana for a hospital and has four of my grandkids, and I love them, and I talk to them all the time. I have a good time with them because of Alcoholics Anonymous because you people have arrested my defects of character and shortcomings enough to allow me to be a dad and a human being. You've taught me how to act and how to speak and howto laugh at myself and do the things I'm supposed to do to bea human outside these rooms. My son, he's doing life in prison. He can't get this deal. He won't drop his defects of character or his shortcomings. He went to prison for four years, got out and wouldn't listen to a sponsor, wouldn't go to meetings, wouldn't drop His ego or His image. He wanted to come here like the young people still do today and be cool and slick and hit on the women. He went back to prison für fünf Jahre. And he did it a whole five. He don't get good time when he goes. He is a bad dude. I love my son. He's the only son I have." And he got out and he'd come back and he wouldn't get a sponsor and he wouldn't go to meetings and he would drop his image. He wouldn't drop his character defects and his shortcomings and he wanted to be a macho badass and have everybody be afraid of him and be slick and cool, and he went back to prison for four more years. That's thirteen. He got out, he got a girlfriend, and went to N.A. because he didn't think he was an alcoholic and him and his girlfriend broke up and he went back out. And he got stopped by LAPD and he had guns and a sawed-off shotgun and crack and heroin and baggies and scale and ski mask in his car. And that was his fourth strike and he's doing life in prison because he won't change. He won't drop the suspect or the prospect of looking bad in front of other people. He wants to stay cool. He don't want to wear a coat and tie when he's supposed to wear it. He don'T want to say please and thank you. He donT want to come in and shake hands with people. He wants TO have the anger and the hate and the rage and everything that goes along with the defects of character and shortcomings, and he'S picking a tab up for that. And if you will not change in these meetings, if you WILL NOT drop your little chinchy, immature attitude, you WILL not be here that long. ask the people that have been around a while if you go to your home group and your home group meets on a Monday night and the leader of the meeting says can we see the hands of the people with seven days or less sobriety depending on the size of the meeting two or three or four maybe five people will raise their hands as being in their first week or their first 30 days I watched it at my Monday night meeting for 30 years now and at the end of 52 weeks the meeting has not gotten any bigger if two or three people raise their hand every week that's 156 people the meeting should have grown by that much but it has not grown by one person where do they go and why nobody will ever hold a gun to your head and make you drink or use you will make that decision on your own and it will be of your own free will you will give up this for that so you can live and wallow in your defects of character and your shortcomings and be like me and be convinced you don't have any it's them and if you're sitting in this room right now and you're new or used and you are having a problem there is nothing I've said that will change any of your thoughts and I know that I am very grateful for the life that I have today I'm very grateful for the people I have in my life I'm grateful that I have a wife sitting home that knows I'm going to be there tomorrow I have a stepson that's 14 years old I was coach of his football team in high school he played he's the only freshman that started on his football team he started at defensive end and I was helped with the defensive coach and the second to last game of the season we were behind 54-6 at halftime I have no defects of character or shortcomings and I walked into the locker room and I said let me tell you little assholes something if they score one point in this second half I will waterboard every one of you They held them scoreless in the second half. Sometimes fear will motivate you. I hope that fear motivates you in Alcoholics Anonymous. Not the fear of what's in here, but the fear of what is out there. Because that is where we return to. And like it was said by a couple of the speakers already, going out there and dying ain't a big deal going out there living on the streets and staying alive that's a big deal but if you're new or used I think the only thing you should remember is when you pick up chapter 5 in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and you look at it that very first line to me says it all rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path thanks Thank you.