The Decision to Live Your Way of Life or His – Jim W.

And Susan read one of the sweetest words that I, in the English dictionary, and that was fellowship. And when you haven't had any of that for a long time, that's great. I met a guy just today, I think he's qualified to read me how it works, because you see I I indoctrinated him in this program for about an hour or so, isn't it? Let's see if I can take his name. His last letter has something to do with coffee. Oh, it's Ross P. from Frankfort, Kentucky. Thank you, Ross. That was a beautiful job. You know, today has been Ladies' Day all day until... If you don't count Terry. Until Ross and I got here, now the males are going to take over. You know, it looks a hell of a lot better this way, too. Thirty-five years ago, you didn't find many good-looking women in AA. And it's good for me it didn't, I guess. I've been under chemotherapy since November of 83, and I lose my balance sometimes. So if you see me staggering, stumbling around, I'm not drunk, but it seems that it happens more frequently, especially if there's some good-looking women around, you know where you can Ralph didn't tell me how much time I was to have and how much our speaker was to have so I'm kind of puzzled the last hour I've never met our speaker I never did meet him until today but I've heard of him all the way from Kansas to Georgia I've been anxious to hear him from what I understand you need to get yourself set for a very solemn I don't know what church he's minister of but I understand he sermonizes I've been accused of being a comic and a preacher but I'm very anxious to hear I speak of the night we talked a little while this afternoon about some old mutual friends of ours down in Texas and I know you're in for a treat that's all I've heard about him ever since I first heard of him and it's a great pleasure for me to give you Jim W from Fort Worth What do you think? Well, we can screw that up, can't we? You got my letter. It went on the floor. Well, I'll be damned. Had my talk written out, you know. I was blacked out. I don't remember it. Besides, I was tied up. Hell, I Was Busy. I like it hell they give you a name you'll clap for you if you didn't know that you was insane you'd like it you know say well why do they do that well hell they don't know they just give somebody's name they clap they think it's great that they just got up not a lot of folks where they'll clap for you if you're just standing up I'd like to thank Ralph and Eloise I know you gonna get a lot of flack from it cause I know you did most of it and the committee but I know they're gonna hold you for it thank you for having us in our home and teaching me how to play golf Thursday Guy and I of course took care of that and I'd like to thank Jolene for knowing Kathy because Kathy took us to the Grand Ole Opry and I thought Eloise had died and gone to heaven that's the first time I've seen a chair do it you're supposed to be in the chair when it goes on it's higher power really will play it on you won't it and Ken and that lovely wife of yours thanks for taking us for lunch yesterday really enjoyed it y'all are really sweet folks I'll tell you y'al really y'aal are all well you might be even with those Texans well I'm glad to be here and I do thank you very much for having me. And I am Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic. I'm really not supposed to be an alcoholic hell I don't look like an alcoholic do I? You know what I look like? Well I'm supposed to be I'm a man I'm suppose to be a southern southern southern Baptist I'm expose to be one of the real ones you know the ones that pray for the Catholics you know you know they drank Catholics drank, you know I didn't get to talk to them until I got to AA Episcopalians, of course just got tired of being Catholics Presbyterians knew it was going to happen I didn't know it until recently but Lutherans, what I really wanted to be they believe in doing everything just a little bit and the Methodists of course they just didn't like water that's all the theology you're going to get tonight the rest will be I'll give it to you in the morning but I was raised in one of the counties in Texas which most of the counties are dry that means they don't sell it believe in it talk about people that do it and I was raising one of those counties where they don' t do it they just don' T do it they don''t they have a hard time having children they call them backsliders I was raised in this little church and I the preacher would be standing up there just like me if you think it you might as well have done it I was thinking it I didn't even know what it was but I knew I must be thinking it and they look at you and they point at you sing that last stanza for that one right back there see they hone in on you not like AA you know AA says saw Ralph laying in the ditch last night he lives, we'll get him and this bunch they can just see when you start they're getting ready to start thinking and that's when they start coming after you hell they know you're getting ready to have a good time if you get a taste of that you're gone I didn't know that then that's what it was so finally I got around this girl got to be about 13 which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time and i got these funny feelings so i told them about it they said we've been meaning to talk to you see i knew that you know we've ben praying for you yeah i know what you need to do is get saved then you'll be okay well i didn't know for sure where i wanted to get saved now i hadn't done nothing. And I heard them talking about those that were doing it, and I didn't know whether I might be one of those that wanted to do it. And I figured if you got locked in there, you'd never know what it was. Went to church, and sure enough, hell, they all pointed and looked at me, sang that last stanza for that right back there, and I came down the aisle, and they it's kind of like that except they don't give out any chips. They hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are, and you know you're not, but hell I liked it. And they put you in the tank and hang some fleets and you choke a little, but hey, you come out all right. Went to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. said well we're going to have to do it again didn't take they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know i didn't know how to don't doing anything i didn' t know i did'nt know how to don' t do anything i didn't know if they could just say don't that hell they didn' d do it anymore I said, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. I said I wonder why I didn't think about that. I thought well it's only two o'clock in the afternoon I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day then tomorrow when I get up I'll never think about it again. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about it for in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy when I start not to do something hell I'm going to do it all the time. And when I start not to think about it I can't keep from thinking about it all the time i used to wake up and said in the morning when i wake up i'm not going to be thinking i'm going to just not think for a while never try it tomorrow i've never been able to do it yet still try it never works well there was a town that was 30 miles away that was wild and wicked and i'd heard about it and i usedto see people go over there to buy groceries and cars would be sunk down like that coming back finally got out of high school had to go to summer school and get out of high school. My folks were already saying, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. Yeah, Jimmy wants to do this. No, I didn't either. Everything was just the opposite. And I couldn't fit in. God, I'd go places with kids and they didn't like me enough. Girls didn't lack me. Nobody lacked me enough I tried to like them enough I'd move in with them. Hell, they'd leave me. just go off so finally this guy and i got to be 17 got out of high school had to go to summer school to get out of higher school we got in this car and took a bath this is what you did before you you know used to you couldn't do it during the week you had to do it on saturday and we took a bath and everything and went over there opened the door that honky-tonk god there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand a cold beer in the other i said my god let's get outa here he'll tell Jesus on us and we didn't even get to do it you know if you get caught before you even do it you ought to just forget it this guy said well he can't tell anybody I said hell he's got a better shot with Jesus than you and I do however I thought deacons were sad he looked sad every morning but he was happier than I had ever seen him and I liked the girl he was with on Saturday night a lot better than he was with on Sunday morning. Now I know what was wrong with him. Hell, he wasn't sad. He was just tired. We drank two beers. Didn't do any good. Smelled good. Didn't smell good. Didn't taste good. Didn't feel good. And I was glad to get out of there. He never did see me. The next morning I wanted to go to church for the first time in my life. I thought, maybe I just hadn't noticed. Maybe he hadn't been going. Maybe you get old enough, you won't have to go. There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. So I told my buddy, I said, Don't tell everybody next Saturday we're going to go back because the big town had two joints to go to the other joint. Went to the another joint, didn't see a deacon I knew. Did everything but committed adultery. I'd done that except I didn't know anything about it. And I'd been thinking about it a lot even though I didn't know what it was but you know how we are think about it all day long then get tied up miss it then if we do we don't know whether we did or not you can't ever find out you can never go back and say did we do anything last night might have it'd been fine you know learned how to drink I didn'y know I knew how just drink one beer right after the other get to feeling it's good you can'f feel it all learn how to dance southern bad is not allowed to dance you know that learned how to fall down the vast floor broke my nose did it five times after I learned how to do it blacked out just like I was supposed to waked up the next morning threw up just like I knew what I was doing this guy called said how do you feel I said God I feel horrible he said oh but you had a great time and I said oh well then I knew I had to have a good time just go out get drunk black out wake up the last morning throw up then you know you had good time never did know you drank it any other way i thought people who put fruit put fruit in it put it in milk and put just didn't drink i thought hell they just didn'T drink well i was over there one saturday afternoon by myself getting prepared to have a beer it was kind of early it's about 1 30 i didn't want to start too quick wait till three and I was lonesome and I's walking by this post office this sign out there said we need you and I walked in and they did they even had my form right on the desk where I was ready for me and they said would you like to go to California yeah never been come back tomorrow we're leaving God I signed all that stuff up went home told my folks I was going to California joined the Air Force went back the next day went to San Antonio I should have known then it was a funny outfit the crazy boy said get up in the middle of the night make your bed right quick somebody's coming never did run down and eat before daylight hell you'd throw up if you hadn't even drank at that time they'd eat and they're scared because they always walked in groups my outfit whoever running it didn't ask us they wanted to give us a surprise trip they were going someplace but they couldn't tell us and they chose China I don't know where the rest of the folks went never did get to see them talk to them I'm in the Air Force so we go to China by boat I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. A lot of Chinese over there. They really don't have a hell of a lot of anything over there but Chinese. They raise Chinese, they know how to do it, they like it, they just keep doing it. you've got an obsession about raising Chinese they just raise Chinese got a little rice and a few mountains and a couple of trees but they mostly just have Chinese well after you're over there about three weeks hell, you've seen all the Chinese you want I told them I was ready to come home and they stayed two years then we came home by boat and everybody's going to school my folks said you have got to have that piece of paper if you don't have that piece of paperwork that piece a paper you won't be able to get a job or do anything every man will have everybody coming out of the service is going to go to school everybody else is going to school you have go to go to school you have to get that piece o' paper I want you to know I've got that damn piece o paper I gutted that damn thing through for three and a half straight years hating every bit of it and I proved my folks wrong I didn't learn one single thing I made sure that every course I took would not benefit a human being whatsoever You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length even if it destroys us just to be right. There's one statement you and I shall never use. I could be wrong about that. The only time we'll ever be guilty of saying that is when we're damn sure we're right then we might say hmm I could be wrong about that and a very disappointing thing happened to me I had to go to work full time and on Mondays never have like Mondays I think it should be eliminated and we should start the work noon Tuesdays not too sure alcoholics if they've ever had to work anyway until after they were 65 I was having some minor difficulties with women if you put ten pretty girls up there I'll get the sick one every time I don't know where I learned how to do that I'd see a lot of guys just go with any girl you can't do that you're supposed to know she's got to have a pretty girl one that you can take home and show to your parents and you can be in love with. God, you can't just go with any girl one night and another girl next night. The only thing wrong with that is when I finally, it took me about two months to find that poor, precious, beautiful, sick little thing. In about two weeks or two months we'd be so much in love I'd almost have to quit work. Then it would just deteriorate from there on out. The only way it's awkward there is when you run out of a girl and you're still in love. I thought alcoholics was all I got here. I thought, my God, this is the greatest thing I ever saw in my life. First time in my lifetime I'd ever been where they had the sick women group. And I liked both kinds. I liked the ones that got sick doing it and the ones that got sick watching somebody else do it. I didn't cull them at all. I liked both kinds. It's having some difficulties where I work. You know, you and I have been assigned in case they're doing it wrong to straighten it out. Even if they own it, we still, it's our responsibility not to allow it to be done without the proper order. And I don't know why God assigned us to that. it took me a long time to notice, insisting upon they do it right, that I was always the one that was leaving. Some of those places where I worked are still operating and doing it wrong. Finally got out of a job and couldn't get one. And the way I'd look for jobs, I'd get up every morning, I'd throw up and spray, go fill out one of those forms that asked you personal questions like, where have you worked the last 10 years? which is none of their business they would know where you've lived the last ten years I always spit on their same place they've never been able to figure that one out and I never didn't know where it was then the other blacks of course you know what to do you just have to figure out wonder what they'd like for me to say then it takes ten minutes for the interview then you don't get the job you go out and get drunk do the same thing and get it the next day. Finally saved this one place that I knew that I'd get the job. I knew a guy that was there I knew they had an opening and I knew I'd get the work done and I'd have to get the job you know you don't want to get that one too quick because you might have to go to work a day early and that guy walked in there and that guys said you don' t want this job I said yeah I want the job I need the job I'm broke I need a job I really knew he was going to help me get this job he said you do not want this child yeah I do everybody knew I didn't want to I also knew that it was going to be a little more comfortable when I left and I also knew that there was something about me he wanted to tell me but he didn't know how to do it so I went out that afternoon, got drunk woke up the next morning, threw up and sprayed I said you know I've been doing this for about ten days, I think I'll just take the day off so I went out to the golf course, made no leg, no piece of toast in case I was going out to drink later went around to my last friend's location which was a beer joint and he said my god you look horrible this morning i said yeah i think i'm coming down with something he said by god man the way you're vibrating you need to drink a beer and need one drink one quick i said oh you know i'm baptist i never drank before 10 30 that's noon and he says my god man doesn't make any difference what time it is i drank half that beer and sprayed the golf course with it i don't mind spraying if i don' t lose my concentration Start thinking about women or something, it'll get your nose burned. And you've got to drink the rest of the day just to kill the pain. I knew how to meditate before I got here. I do not meditate that deeply anymore when it's just me, God, and the commode. And I say, oh, God. And it's stringy. Don't know where the end is. You can't breathe, you'll get it back. So you don't know whether you're going or staying. you know they ought to use that commode stuff for this energy stuff you know when you have that deep meditation it's tiring and you lean over there in the hot summertime be just as cool I told that guy I said I think I need to go home and lie down I didn't get to use these vibrators for two years after I was sober I could do it all by myself I love to have a meeting with me I'm supposed to call all the hospitals out and get in the car every morning And I'd say, God, I hate to stop at that big old hospital. It's hard to find a parking place. What do you do? You've got to take that kit and go on down through that lobby and downstairs and whine around to that purchasing agent. And you know him. Hell, he ain't going to buy anything anyway. See, you don't even have to stop. Just drive right on by. Wait until 10.30, go with the beer joint. I said, what's the matter? He said, I had another bad day again today. I said what happened? Didn't buy anything again today So I went home, got in the living room, called all of these together and we had a group meeting and we decided that I would commit suicide and those guys that didn't hire me would worry about it for the rest of their days. They'd see in the Houston Chronicle living in Houston in Houston Chronicles Jimmy Williams commits suicide. They'll never get over it. They'll worry about it for the rest of their days but they know how to do it. Hell now you don't even have to go to school or nothing I see it on TV just wait around whatever you need. I saw it the other day suicide, call that number. They probably have pamphlets on the different ways now. This was even before overdose. We don't recommend that in the old school. The old school recommends you be sound and mind and body when you commit suicide. In this overdose deal you just remember the pump. I remember all three of mine. I didn't like guns because I didn' t like noise in the morning and they splattered all over everything. Razor blades were popular then. Didn't know how to do it. All you do is read in the paper, says cut his wrist with a razor blade and say what kind of razor? How deep which wrist? Where? I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You'd get blood all over the carpet and I'm always thinking of others. So I went in the bathroom, got my razor blade and sat down on the throne. I had sense enough to know I cut both wrists if you just cut the left wrist the left side would die and the right side would be alive hell, you might back out be half dead and half alive so I cut both wrists so I could bleed evenly and the phone rang then I thought what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was called that'd be enough to run you crazy so I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick answer the phone this is the police you know they've been taught by ministers they say come go along with me I said I can't go my God it's three o'clock in the morning I was supposed to be home at six then they start to get all upset and you say by God I'm not going then they really go nuts you have to pacify them and go along with them this guy said where were you last night I said I was right here he said no you wasn't I said how do you know and he said we was there then I didn't want to talk to him anymore I'd already learned whoever talked to anybody knows more about where you've been than you do I said what do you want me to do he said well you can either come down here or we'll come out there and get you I said I'll be right there he said if I were you I'd pick up an attorney on the way and I said that'll take me an extra 30 minutes but I'm coming wait for me God I love to live with me I can live a week in a half a day I've had a hell of a day already, and it's only 11 o'clock. And I've got to call another meeting. I've already had three. Committed suicide, bound to the golf course and thrown up. And now I've Got to Have Another Meeting. I weighed those two options that guy gave me. I checked my bank account. I had $36, which was plenty to start a new career. It was poor inflation. I thought, you know, I've been in Houston long enough, and they treat me pretty badly. I think I'll just leave. so I just got my I had one piece of furniture an old lamp and a quilt I guess I was going to carry the light if I could ever find the plug put my dirty clothes clean clothes in there and had a quilt sheet and a pillow or something just had room car for me and here we go get a pint of whiskey just in case anything happens waked up the next morning about 200 miles out of Houston with seven dollars and I said wonder how my folks are getting along so I called them to collect so they'd know it was me they said what are you doing I said oh I'm just out riding around they said why don't you come by and have a cup of coffee I said I believe we will I never short change my folks they're not going to get their money back so I always gave them my very finest story in fact I got to listening to it and hell I cried with them I thought God if I'd known it was that bad I'd have left Houston three years earlier old John says well Jimmy's honest let him have a hundred God with a hundred and seven you could almost go into business I thought well all I gotta do is sweat out tonight tomorrow I'll be okay so I sweat out that night next morning I got up and I said well Annalee there was one little thing I left out last night going through all that trouble down there I'd been drinking some. My folks looked at me just like a blank wall. When I got in the A.I., I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? She said well I think I remember. Seems like when you got in your car and started to leave I turned around to John and said what do you think? He said he's 33. He'll never live to be 35. Said every time we saw you we thought that was probably going to be the last time we saw your life. then I've got $107 nothing to do I'm not tied up I just happen to remember a guy went to the Rio Grande Valley of Texas five years ago don't call them they'll tell you not to come you know and I'm in Fort Worth it's not very far it's just right down there which ended up about ten and a half hours if you don't slow down too much that's the end you know the United States ends there stops, they got a little creek change countries i went down there stayed checked in with a beautiful downtown hotels had to park my car across the street i never took my clothes up i'd get out every morning go down the elevator go across the Street get a pair of shorts socks shirt go back up change clothes come back go to work went out there at this place where this worked for three solid weeks they didn't really want to hire me but nobody ever comes down there to apply for jobs they just go down there they get out of the cold they go down there fishing or hunting or something so they hired me and for some reason i could just get drunk and not drunk drunk for about six or seven months till i could get up into my place and sometimes they had somebody in my place that they shouldn't have had in my place once you explain it to them on a daily basis they finally believe it and sure enough they fired the guy that was in my places what they should have done all that and then i got into my place and then i'm over one afternoon i was just too tired to go straight from work to get drunk i had to go rest a minute and the manager came by and knocked on the door and said you know you've been here seven months it's time you and i got acquainted i said yeah would you like to grab a beard i said oh i guess one he was a drunk just like me he and i lasted there eight years. Then he got fired and let me down. I'm still trying to get married. I am realizing that my system of being true to one girl does not work. It's too awkward when you're out of a girl and in love. So, I decided I'll get number one and a spare. It's hard at the court drinking anyway. You know, you call about two or three o'clock in the afternoon and say, pick you up by 7.30. Might be four or five days before you get by there. So you don't get to see them a lot. So one weekend I'd trade it off with a guy and I'm not supposed to be up. My weekends were just like this. I'd get off at Saturday at noon and I'd run to the golf course and have a heavy lunch like a six-pack and a package of cheese crackers. Get drunk, black out by 6.30, be in bed, wake up at 10.30 quarter to eleven, go have a few drinks and then go to Madam Morris and spend the rest of the evening to watch the sun come up the next morning then go mess around and drink beer try to taper off, slide into Monday sometimes I made it, sometimes I missed it this night I traded off with this guy and I'm over at her house I'm not going to have to work on Saturday so it's eleven o'clock and I am up I'm supposed to be in bed by nine thirty drunk and passed out and I just kind of tapering into blackout time which is my time I love it I know I did I drank to it so much and I just happened to mention being honest like we are some of us are just too honest for most people I just mentioned to her I might drop by and see number two and she had not heard of her but I wanted to go to her bathroom first and I went in there of course and she could not wait no patience to discuss it she wanted to follow me in there it's the wrong place to have a meeting don't ever have a meeting where all the surfaces are hard have it out in the bedroom or living room where you got carpets and beds and couches even the commodes paints hard on the wood well the next morning i don't remember what happened of course the next boy i'm living in a beautiful place an old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel i had rock yards a long time before he started putting them in i see those old weeds string up there i said you'll never make it and i'm asleep like i'm supposed to be i've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed and about that time something went well god jumped up looked down still had my clothes on i said god i bet i was going somewhere early this morning looked around had some blood that old white shirt blood makes me sick you know doctor opened that door got him in total fright and there's that 6 foot 4 240 pound Baptist preacher saying come go along with me I said preacher I know I look like I'm ready but I'm not ready I'm NOT ready I know I look like it but I am NOT ready I just I can't make it I'm Not get in the car God I said I can' t make it he said damn it I said get in the car God I knew we had a meeting somewhere I knew I wasn't going to make it I'm in there in total fright about 10 seconds I looked my head had knots on it had a little blood on it I said God I must have been the car wreck my car I looked at it it looked pretty good parked funny but it looked okay and I said preacher I'm going to have to have a beer I'm not going wherever we're going to wherever the meeting is I'm never going I'm just not going to make it I'm NOT going to be able to make IT I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT he said there'll be no drinking before the meeting drove up in front of her house I assume she's going to be there his throbbing my god it's got knots on it three knots big knots opened the door and she did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something I said, I've got to go to the bathroom and I went in there and looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something She won I'll never know what really happened but what I think happened was I probably lost my equilibrium fell in that bathtub and she stepped on me two weeks later we got married we got married in the first Baptist church so it worked I told her I'm off again on Saturday so Friday night I'm up but I had told her since she had been married before and I was pure that there wasn't much use in us inviting a lot of people to the wedding about 11 o'clock i start calling everybody call my beer distributor friend a quarter three he met me at the church he said i'm gonna tell you something you called me at a quarter of three this morning we're not here to see you get married in the first place we're here because we don't believe it and the second place the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks but i showed up i hung it in there for eight years but my life changed i had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag of morning so I grabbed those cigarettes grabbed that coffee and go in that bathroom locked that door and she's telling me what I am through that door and I've got to get upset go make the living go get drunk, come on tell her what she was we did that one day at a time I finally went back to that preacher and I said preacher this thing is not working he said you know what's wrong with you you're missing the beauty of life I said yeah did you know the fruit trees were in bloom I said no he said, you know, you ought to go get your wife and get in the car drive up the valley smell the aroma look at the blossoms I said, yeah jumped in the door I went over and opened the door and said, get in the car. She said, what for? I said, we're going to go look at the blossoms. He said, the blossoms? I said yeah, we were missing the whole damn thing. Went for the hop shop, got a six pack of beer, drove up the valley and said 14 miles to Matamoros turned left went to Matomoros switched tequila blacked out missed the whole damn job lost that job couldn't get one went completely absolutely insane and crazy for two months and a guy who owned a drug company hired me he called me and says I hear you're looking for a job and I said oh I'm thinking about changing careers he said well how would you and i like to talk about going work for me i said i think we ought to talkabout he said oh you're just going to office why don't you just meet me at the cafe i said oh okay met him at the café and he said you want have you had breakfast and i said no he said what it's 10 30 you want a beer before breakfast oh yes then we're down to padre island that afternoon looking for territory we said we better eat breakfast so we had a sandwich about three so we wouldn't get tipsy or anything about 8.30 a guy drove up to this beer joint and wanted to demonstrate a boat there's two girls there from Kansas I just mentioned just being a little hospitable with them just interested in where they'd been what they were doing this guy wanted to illustrate the boat and I thought it was a good idea so I got ten beers and asked the ladies if they'd like to go they said no, we've been down here two years haven't been on a boat yet, I said this is the perfect time new boat, everything, I explained everything I'm here girl's here pilot's there other guy's back there and the other gal and it's just getting dark so they use the light to get out the channels and he opens that baby up goes underneath that car's way and then everything went out they got derricks out there which I did not know that girl went down there and this guy over there and I'm on top of him and I hear this voice saying Jim help me God, I didn't know what he wanted me to do and finally he gets me a laser back in the boat and I can't breathe, I said oh my God I'm crushed blood's running down in here, blood makes you sick and I'm ripped off here we ate that piling and we ate that windshield and we just slipped right down through there which is normal and then finally the thing goes back to the causeway and fortunately the tide was coming back this way and a guy picked us up and put us all in there and we went to the doctor there and this doctor knew me and he said, my God, Jim, you know I don't do anything but abortions. I said, God, that's right. I had to go 30 miles to the hospital. Some idiot called my wife and here she comes with this other guy's wife. My wife checked the women out first. Stayed in the hospital three weeks and I got the job. We just applied different than other folks applying for jobs. A lot of people couldn't get jobs that way. Took him about three months, about six weeks really to get there. It took about three months to send me to Fort Stockton, Texas. Now friends that's getting out into west, west, west Texas. Got little trees out there about that high. In fact you can see California on a clear day. this was a beautiful city had 536 people and 36 of them were making a living I joined the 500 and I'm supposed to hold a pad and write names like R.E.L. Myerson and stuff and spell it and God you can go live in a way you can do you can't do got everything's moving you cannot do and that pharmacist says you look like you're gonna fly apart I said any minute he said well take some of these this was before Valium this was just Librium which is nothing little two-tone green and black two-toned green and I took a couple of them and I'm used to something happening I'm use to a little burning or something going on a little movement going on nothing's going on I'll wait 15 or 20 seconds so I took three more then my knee just goes huh I said God I've learned how to weave now I've got to learn a new stance always tickle when the pharmacist say Jim I'm a little short of tens twenty-fives be okay be fine they're the same size you know taking five or ten tens just take five or ten twenty-five it's the same thing you don't get behind you don'y catch up it's just there and I drank beer at night had one decision to make every night after the third beer am I going home early or am I gonna close the joint if I'm gonna close a joint I'd switch get a pint of bourbon run that in on top of that if I was gonna stay till they close it why is it stay on beer it's the only decision I had every night finally got an offer from a job from some people who recommended me hadn't seen me in 12 years from Huntington, Indiana those people flew me up there and that president of the company says we don't know why you're here Well, hell, I didn't know why I was there. So I couldn't help him at all. He said, There must be some reason you were highly recommended. Well, I certainly couldn't. I didn' t even know who was recommending me. Didn' t know what they did and decided on us at 40 years old. I said, God, anybody will know what their doing. But I wasn' t going to ask them. They weren' t gonna tell me. And we weren' T gonna find out. But they hired me. Sent me to Houston. at last that was march the 1st of 1965 my customers never saw me drunk i'd always just when i left them if i drank a beer or drink with them and i'd take off after golf and i go to my place black out and go home sometimes i'd change places but i always did the same thing on the day before christmas eve in 1965 we all played golf with their in-laws and outlaws some administrators and I was a little too hospitable and I started and I didn't get to eat a sandwich but I saw that they did and I took some beer in case someone wanted some and I wanted to be along with them so they wouldn't feel bad so I blacked out over at their house and drove from one side of Houston the other blacked off that's nothing new for me waked up the next morning total flight just like I'm supposed to looked out there to see if my car was back walk around it no new dents I didn' t even quit asking how it got back never will tell you then I called them back and told them I was sorry about last night never was just wanted them to tell me what I did but they'll never tell you they don't have to make amends I mean a Christmas Eve party and I'm not an alcoholic guess I heard it on the radio I looked in the phone book under alcoholics anonymous and I called in a group and this girl acted like she's glad I called I should have known that I had the wrong number she said somebody be right out I waited an hour nobody showed looked at the icebox had three beers I'll just call them back tell them I don't need them about that time the phone rang this guy said be right there before I could tell them I didn't need him he hung up I thought I'd just get rid of him well a guy came by himself because his wife had managed these apartments when we moved in and he used to watch me going back and forth from 7-Eleven saying if he lives we'll get him little old short deacon looking guy with a book on his arm i said oh my god we're gonna read that book and pray i've not only been baptized i've been re-dedicated 10 times i said i'll just get rid of it don't remember what he said don't we didn't read the book don't Remember one word one thing he said about that time old what's her name came back in and he said you want to go with me well i didn't but it's better than staying with her so i got in the car and he hit that old 610 loop in houston i said god i've made a mistake i've gone off with a perfect stranger i know better than this i should have taken my car i gave him a test i said i'll buy a beer i don't want a beer god i knew it i waited about 20 seconds i said I'm gonna tell you something i got bad drunk last night and i'm gonna have to have a beer now i won't give a damn how i get it if you just let me off on top of this freeway I'll walk over there and take you to the totem or take me over there. I've got to have a beer and I've gotta have it right now besides that's 11.20. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh yeah, I can do that. I can handle a fright if I've Got the Light but when the light's out, I Can't Make It. And drove up kind of an old neighborhood drove up in front of this old house I said, this it? He said yeah. I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks walked in there and some of the deacons were sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one had an old bar back there in the back with an old piece of linoleum I bet it was old when he put it on there and the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did it's a program of attraction you know this little short deacon said mix him up a little milk and honey I said my god what do you put in it I never drank anything like that in my life he said well you see you're nervous I said hell that's what I've been trying to tell you besides all that you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested I said indigestion is not my problem you know if you throw up right you don't have indigestion I drank half of it and it curdled came right back up he said don't worry about it we have plenty I thought hell I'm just going to put on a show for these guys one of the smart ones said walk all you want to hell I didn't want to walk at all they just sat there watching you going back and forth drinking that sweet, sweet stuff got a new animal in here today kept drinking that sweet, sweat sweet, sick, sick hell I hadn't had a piece of chocolate pie in 15 years finally about 4 o'clock this guy said well I guess I better go home I said yeah let me out a couple blocks before we get to the apartment I knew I had to slip in there and steal my car and get out and get some bourbon, that beer would not cut that sweet taste. Miss Deacon said, don't drink anything. I'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half. I said, what for? We're going to a meeting. I said where? Right back where we came from. Said, my God, we was there all day. I said well just let me out the apartment. I walked and walked. here he comes here we go back kind of a funny bunch some of them I saw a few of them hugging and kissing act like they was kind of glad to be there but the rest of them they didn't look any more happier about it than I was some guy got up said a little old funny prayer some gal got up talked about two or three hours they just laughed wasn't a damn thing funny then some guy got up talked another hour or two I don't know how they said it just now but I know it's been five hours they just laughed I said these people are nuttier than a fruitcake there's nothing funny going on and they're dying laughing then they all got up and held hands said the Lord's Prayer my God the Holy Spirit moved in there they all started talking at the same time nobody was listening then everything come alive everybody was glad to be there I said wonder how in the hell he did that hell they didn't kneel down there sing any songs hold plenty of hands on them didn't do baptized didn't doing nothing I said, I'm going to keep my eyes open tomorrow night and see what they did. Standing back there in the back room with this deacon and nobody's inviting us anywhere and all of a sudden I see the deal. Men and women getting together, running out there, jumping in those cars, laughing and talking, take it off. I said oh, well after you're here a while, while you get to go have a little drink talk about this damn thing. Never got invited anywhere. Went every single night. then I know I've got the only deacon that nobody likes. One night he calls and says pick you up in 30 minutes I said it's raining did you ever go get a drink when it was raining? I'll be ready. One night old What's-Her-Name was out of town so I just locked the doors and pulled all the shades down turned on all the lights nothing on but the TV set that old phone just ring, ring, ring, let it ring next morning he called and said where were you last night I said I was right here watching television enjoyed every damn minute of it may do it again tonight he said well you missed it I said what did I miss he said I don't know I said wasn't you there he said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you're supposed to I said, my God, you've got to go every night. You'll miss it. Went three months, got drunk, three months got drunk and sobered up all by myself. I heard that all you had to do was wait 72 hours for the alcohol to be out of your system so I did about 60 which is, you know, we don't need to do everything like we're supposed to. We do it quicker than other people. And I knew that first things first I knew the only thing that was wrong with me and it's always been wrong with me I've just always been under-financed and the thing for me to do is just get plenty of financing then I can handle the whole damn thing but the first thing I need to do is go back and officially resign so I went back got there in the meeting had already started so I thought well I'll go to one more meeting after the meeting impatient the deacon here he comes evidently I'd have called him about three o'clock in the morning on my last drunk which I don't believe but he said I did and before I could resign he walked up to me with no patience of course we're supposed to have the patience not them don't you ever call me again ever I said God I'm glad you said that I never called you in the first place they called you and I'm going to tell you something your best friends will not tell you nobody likes you here we've been going here for nine months and they hadn't anybody invited us anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you and i want to tell you something else just from my viewpoint running around with you if i had as bad a personality as you do i'd go back to drinking and you don't have to worry about me i'll never call you again as long as i live and I didn't until the next morning I called him he said meet me at the club I met him at the club and he said get your coffee and sit down they talk to you like a dog here you know Jack he said now I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous Al-Anon Al-Ateen Al-Top and Al-Daw there's absolutely no failure here cannot will not must not impossible to fail provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to do it so there's only one thing that you're going to get to do for the rest of your days you're the only one that gets to do this but it's the only thing you're ever going to get to do again you're gonna get to make a decision every day beginning today whether you're gonna live our way of life or your way of life now if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make he'll flounder on the same subject for years. So I'm going to give you a decision to make this morning. You're either going to do it my way or your way. Go right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you whatyou were going todo. I said,, Do you mean to tell me you don't care where I want to or not? He said,, Not at all. Group doesn't care? No. I said., Well, if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I don' t want to d o it, then I'll do it he said well first of all we've got to get a few things straight it's your thinking that's wrong I said how much of my thinking is wrong we always start with all of it and if there's any good we'll let you know I said you put a sign up there on the wall there it is right there it says think think think and he said that's for us he says now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do the things are going to change the things we're gonna give you to do or just add two and of course it's going to happen over here i said what's going to happened over there we don't know but it always happens i said i've been listening to you for nine months and i listened to every word you told me this morning you never listen to me and i'm going to tell you something i want you to hear me i do not understand he said and that's it and don't you ever forget it so there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days no matter what's going on in your life you did not understand then you'll have understanding and when you quit trying to understand then You'll enjoy it and the other thing is no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them. It' s never her. It''s never God. It ''s you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before." I said, ''How do I do that?'' He said, ''Oh, you can't.'' I said what the hell you tell me for this? He said that's what's gonna happen to you. He said now I'm gonna give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here but it's also the very one thing that should it not change it'll be the one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children as long as you know that you know you'll never know but when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know you don't know then you'll begin to know I said hell you're crazy he said I know so now first of all we do not know how to not do something so we're going to learn how to NOT drink or take a pill first you know that card that I gave you has my number and four other men no women on mine of course when you get squirrely definitely before you take a drink or a pill no matter what time a day or night it is you call one of those numbers now if you don't make the call you didn't do the deal that's the way we're going to learn how to not do something and this is what we're gonna do every day when you get up in the morning first thing get down on your knees and say these words and these words only god take me today let me be what you want me to be let thy will only be done in my life. Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind-changing drug. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do. God's highly capable of handling it all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. Why? Before I go tothe bathroom. You may not need to go. He said, do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. Before I got down on my knees, I said, God, you and I know he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do everything just exactly like he says so when we get through, we can tell him to take this thing and shove it. Got down on my knees and I said that prayer got up made sure I needed to go to the bathroom, picked up that phone. He didn't even ask where I needed to go or not. He just said, go to the bathroom and meet me at the club. I met him at the club and he said, now go to work. I said, I hate my job. He said, what's that got to do with it? I said well I hated it so much yesterday I couldn't even go to working. He said what did you do? Sit in that chair and think? I said yeah, I knew and then went to the club He said you don't know how to go work.I said how? He said go get in the car. If you'll write that down you'll catch it. and he said besides that prayer that you say in the morning also invite God into the day I said how do you do that he says when you get in the car you just say God I invite you into the night you may have to do it several times a day and then meet me back at the club the buddy back at the club you know how they are they're big shots sit down don't say nothing get your coffee hell I know to get the coffee they gotta tell everybody out loud that the little boy has got to get his coffee and then when you're almost comfortable enlisting to the great ones he said go home now and he suffered come back i know to go home and come back to me but they got to tell you out loud where everybody could hear it then you come back at the next meeting he said now go home and get down on your knees beside the bed and thank god for the day i said i do not thank god today it's been a miserable damn day i hate you and i hate god i hate ed i hate her and by god i'm not going to be a hypocrite he said do you feel like when you talk to god you don't mean i said that's right so he's not going to do it he said that has absolutely nothing to do with it it's only the action that you're taking that you don t know you re taking when you re taken it s going to make you different and the action that you think you re take is never going to give you what you thought it was because what you think something else is going to happen before so by the time that happens you probably won't need what was going to happen anyway well I understood that said do you mean to tell me that you don't care whether I mean it when I pray to God he said no no no God doesn't care no the group doesn't care no I just went home locked the door so what's her name couldn't get in there go down there on my knees I said okay by God God thank you for a miserable damn day amen hell if he don't care and God don't carry and they don't car hell I don't I don' t care did that for about two months one morning about 9.15 didn't do anything any different that day than any other day I hit that old 610 loop down there and this God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me and for the first time in my life I knew I knew something different than I had ever known him before I knew, I knew I would never need to take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind changing drug ever again unless I myself insisted upon it and I knew I knew God stayed with me all day and about 3 o'clock that afternoon I thought man the rest of my life is going to be just like this I have arrived I'm going to go get me a tent and some tambourines and we're going to go save some souls they can go if they want to but I am going to be the leader I couldn't wait to get back to the club and I got back to the pub and the minute I got there he's 15 minutes late and finally he comes to that door and I said get your coffee and sit down the baddest has taken over they don't like that but he did it and then I told him the deal he said thank God we've got that over with now we can get started I said my God that took a year he said some are sicker than others I said what are you going to do about old What's-Her-Name he said I'm not getting into that he said my wife and I are leaving our marriage right where it is he said most people who come in they're still married they're probably married right but said we don't use any counselor here but the top dog got himself but said I'll send you to a guy that's already got his worked out sent me to an Episcopalian you know they don't know he said what do you want to do I said listen I have not been sleeping with old what's her name they will not let me sleep with anybody else I've been praying for somebody to sleep with what's their name and nobody will and I'm having brain damage not doing it we'd go to ice cream they'd never let me take a girl in my car by myself. Always, I had for some reason that God had chosen me to have compassion for the new girl. You know what I mean? I'd always make sure she sat with us at ice cream and she'd lean over there and say, you know, I just don't feel comfortable talking to another woman but I feel comfortable talking to you and I'd say, I'll help you baby. But they wouldn't let me do it. They watch you like a hawk. This guy said, what do you want? I said, I'm going to tell you one thing. I am going to start back doing my thing. If I can have a relationship with one woman and you can guarantee it that I'll do what you say otherwise I've had all this brain damage I can handle and I'm gonna go do my thing He said, do you remember when you got the Alcoholics Anonymous? You didn't fit in and you didn't fit back out there i said yeah and it was lonesome and you thought you were the only one in there even though you weren't alone i said yes if you're willing to make that lonesom walk in every area of your life i'll not only guarantee your relationship with a woman i'll guarantee a relationship with your fellow man that you've never dreamed of and i'll give you a bonus on top of that i'll I'll guarantee you a relationship with a God that you could never have imagined. I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't that fantastic? I said what do you mean? You don't need to. I said you mean I don' t have to believe? And he said never. I said well what is it I'm supposed to do? He said you're still married aren't you? And I said not really. So we got a two-holer. She meets in her bedroom and I sleep in mine. We had such deep hate we weren't safe. and I said then we meet in the living room for battle he said well we'll just practice on her because you're not capable of being a person who can live with another human being you've got to become that way now here's what we're going to begin to do we're gonna do it today you're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again I said who's gonna tell her he said i don't know but you're not and you're never going to get anybody in al-anon or children or friends or anything to work her around to get her to do whatever you want her to do i said never he said never and you gonna pray for her i said i'm not you pray for He said, you're going to pray for her and you're going to say these words. You may have to say them a hundred times a day in the beginning. Every time she comes into your mind, you say them. God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship, let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth. I said, I do not want her relationship with God to be the same as mine. I don't want God's will to be done by her as much as for her. As well as from me. He said remember what you won't has nothing to do with it. So I started doing it it hadn't been too long after that that I'd done my fourth step and the fifth step and I'd already done that and I started doing that God I had a hard time doing it did it had to do it and things got a little better where I could do it a little bit we still couldn't talk and they I said she ought to go to Al and he said we take care of that Al and Ons I want you to go on record here and on tape or whatever I love you and you have me for life they took her to you and she found you depressing they took her to you three more times and she found you more depressing whatever you're doing keep doing it if you ever need any help call me that wasn't too long after that old sex love lust thing surfaced within me and God I told the group and I told my sponsor every day and I finally told the groups the group one of the girls said you're not supposed to say that in the group so i went over and told another group and one of them stitched on me we don't gossip here you know we're just concerned and my sponsor came to me and said listen i'm gonna tell you something we it's a second tired of hearing about you and oh what's her name and you and that thing she's out of town go home and lock yourself in that apartment don't you call me and don't you call anybody else you stay in there till you and god get that thing rid of that thing says usually when you stop doing something god transforms your mind but with you it's not happening so i went home and i stayed in there locked those doors and i'd pray and cuss and beat the couch i'd learn to quit hitting the bar it hurt your hand you know and about 11 12 o'clock at night i went to sleep and next morning for the first time in my knowing days that thing was gone and I knew, I knew I had just become capable of having a relationship with another human being I thought I went to four meetings I said hell I'm not going to tell them this today I'm smart I won't even tell them so finally after the meeting when I said well I guess I might as well tell you he said oh we knew it the first night I said why didn't you tell me he said you need to know that you're always going to be last to know I says why is that he said we don't know it wasn't too long after that that I ran into Eloise ran into this girl and I'd been called on her in the hospital and they would not let me do it and I knew that I said God maybe that's the kind of girl that's when I told her I thought you know I could be falling in love with you can't say that left didn't mention it anymore then we went to a hospital convention and I took she and four other women and they accused me of going with her and sure enough I had some different funny feelings but I thought maybe it was just because I was sober different funny feelings so I thought well I better go talk to her so I went got her in her office and I said I really need to talk to you but I don't know how to do it I just want you to know that I really think I could be for you really could be the girl I've always looked for but I cannot have an affair because my sponsor won't let me then I knew I screwed up so I said well I might as well just tell you everything I'm an alcoholic I go to AA every single night twice on Saturday and Sunday they don't let me do but two things work and go to EA I can think all I want to but I can't do nothing she said well what's it all about well I don't know we smoke as fast as we can and bitch because our eyes burn and we pray and cry and laugh and drink coffee and can't understand why we can't sleep at night I said I'll just have to call my sponsor he said what have you been doing I said I ain't done nothing he said bring her over here I said you'll have to go talk to my sponsor now she looks funny but she goes and we'd come out of his bookstore into the little Onesville sit over there Sonny I'll handle this talked to her for an hour and a half I thought hell I believe he's going with her got through that deal and he finally says well looks like God might be gonna do something for you God I'm ready to go I don't have to worry about it now brother I can just sign old Jack's name at the motel I'm read I'm good to go I know how to get them started just had me on caution for two years I am ready he said no remember our deal gonna have God A.N. Alnon in that home or there'll be no home I said God that's right she had a bad marriage did things we did without drinking she's gonna have to find out if she wants this way of life and if she doesn't no show well I had to tell her how to go I said go in there don't tell them anything about me just tell them that you're going to Al-Anon and that your name is Eloise and that you are planning on marrying an alcoholic and don't telling them another damn thing they won no more so they spent four meetings on why she should not marry an alcoholic and I took her across town and she heard the woman alcoholic talk and heard her feelings expressed through her and heard the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and she came back to that Al-Anon group and said you have a program here and I want it and Al-Anon you converted that southern Baptist you all got to remember in A.A. and Al Anon now team that the Baptist and the Catholic are a little harder to convert but once you get us just have a little patience with us we're good ones after you get it and sure enough through your guidance and me not going to bed with her until you decided. I have that relationship today that is totally free and God, A.N. Alnon does live in our home. She had three children. The older one was a southern, southern, southern, the one that will never be without work, minister. He had a wife and little daughter and he heard that his mother was probably on drugs and had married an alcoholic. So we did not have to visit with him for about four years. he still doesn't understand how we live and what we do the way we do it he is sending the alcoholic to the AA he can't understand why they don't all stay he still thinks he can deal with the Al-Anon of course he can make it but we now have his daughter staying with us the last three summers a month at a time she's been to an LNA conference but he doesn't know that of course she got on that plane after the first month the first time she stayed with us said Eloise this is the finest nana finest time I've ever had in my life the middle guy is probably one of us he's sleeping with a mattress gotten a divorce like he's supposed to and Eloise asked him if he was drinking too much and he said he was watching it so he knows where we go and we're praying for him the daughter was a beautiful five foot seven and a half eight blue eyed blonde personality about like this Mike before they put the chrome on it had that bad romance with her an old dirty bearded dirty haired long haired pot smoking boy and they all finally went howling on and Eloise worked that deal out. I could have helped them shortcut it, but of course they don't let you. They worked all that out. She put that guy through school and got two of the sweetest little girls you ever saw. I took over the first one. When she first had the little thing, Eloise was down there and she called me down there and she handed it to me and said, I want you to make sure that you see this baby at least every two months so they'll know who her grandfather was. Hell, I had to go back to the sponsor and say, my God, I've got children and grandchildren I don't know what to do with any of them I'm trying to become a husband for God's sakes now she's got well seven year old four year old or six I've just got the ages wrong and I let Eloise have the second one until just recently and I'm moving in a little bit on both right now we are the finest Christmases we've ever had sometimes I have I've gotten a little screwed up because the outlaws want them every other Christmas so I have worked out a little plan where I just tell them it comes a week early every year and so they tear out the Christmas tree and they're cute nunnies what difference does it make I never give them any more than they want I really am happy about you and I tonight I'm so grateful I stayed here long enough to know that you and I are going to get to know God, we need to know we need to know worse than anybody else and I'm so grateful tonight that I know I know some things and I know them from God himself I'm grateful tonight that I now I know that God chose you and I to be his special children. I don't know anything about anybody else or any other group of people but I know I know about you and me that God probably had us in the palm of his hand before we were born and has had us there ever since. There's no way you and I could have properly prepared ourselves for this program any other way except that we were in the hands of Almighty God all that time. And I know I know that today. And I'm glad I know I know, I know that God is my only teacher just as he is yours and that no human power or human person can teach you and me and we must have it from God himself. And I now I know why you and i never fit in because God's children were not designed to fit into this world. God's Children were chosen to live in his kingdom in this world, but not to fit in this word. And I'm grateful tonight that I know I know that about you and I. And I know, I know. That you and i did get bad sick and that we were supposed to get bad sick and that my life could not have been any different and neither could yours if you and I had gone to ten different denominations and a thousand different churches our life was not to be any different ever until God sent you and me to be together God knew exactly the place exactly the time and arranged all the people just right for you and us and no matter where you think you are or think you could be think you couldn't turn left instead of right that's not true up through this moment you and I are right on time without a shadow of any doubt your life could not have been any different than it is up through this moment and if you and i would just stop and think just a moment you had no idea that all that hectic things that you and me went through all the depths and all the depths of fears and all the anxieties and all the crazy car wrecks and all the crazy things that occurred to us was only for one purpose in life and you and I thought we were out there trying to make a living make something happen going out there trying to get an education that wasn't what we were doing at all we were merely doing what God had set up for you and me to prepare ourselves to do the toughest God program available to human beings today one he designed for his people all you were doing was preparing yourself to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon or Alateen isn't that something you didn't know where you were going so it's none of your business now where you're going after you got here isn't it amazing that once you and I got here without even knowing it staying here a long time in our time that we became, from the first contact without knowing it, we became for the first time in our lives plugged into the one and only power that wins the game. The one and Only Power that heals. The one And Only Power that solves all things. And you and I never could get plugged in until we got properly prepared so that God could take us and run us through that rock crusher and take that flaw out of us and make us different. The person that he created to be is the one you and I are and becoming this day. See, we won lots of battles but we lost that game and now we're going to lose more and more battles because they're not necessary to win because you and i have already won that game because we're in that place that almighty god prepared for you and me and set us to be together see you with a difference it was you that I had to be here with it was no other person no other group of people it had to been you it was set up and designed any other group of people I went to did not work but when God sent me to be with you and you to be with me my life began to change and I began to have life and I was not going to have it any other way or any other time you see once I came to you thank God I stayed with you long enough to feel God loving me that day and me loving him back but the difference was you it was you just like it's been here this weekend just like if it is right now when that power moves in every time we contact one another every time when we make a phone call every time he gets on our knees every time we meet together he never fails us just like he is right know when I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.