The Decision to Go Their Way of Life – Jim W.

Well, Dick Martin made y'all do that. I love it, eh? They just give you a name and they clap for you. You didn't know they was insane, you could go along with that, you know. I'd like to thank Pat for picking me up. It's nice to have somebody at the airport when you get in. Sorry you didn't have the snow. I knew you was going to have snow, and I knew it was going be a bad flight. It was a good one. And you didn' t have snow and I know you were going to be cold and it wasn't. Of course, it's good to see Peggy again and we have been in several different places. at the same time and I haven't been dysfunctional all day some of y'all probably have but I've quit I don't want any of my folks to have to go to meetings and talk about me isn't that something God I couldn't believe we did that can you imagine talking about somebody being dysfunctional that's a terrible word for god's sake of course we've all been perfect all of our lives when you didn't choose your parents and god did i don't know who in there you're going to blame one good thing about it you won't win it and that's what we like to do is fail So, then we can get back in AA and do what I was supposed to do. The one I like the best though now is co-dependency. I haven't been co-defendant since I quit shacking up. up. But if I'd have known I was codependent to then, I'd just say, well, I'm codependant, let's go to the motel. It's a damn good line. I never did have one that would work that well. All you had to do is call them up and say, you know, I have to treat my illness this this afternoon. I told this guy, I said, I'm going to tell you something. I know I'm sick. I know that we're sick. I just would not know that. You convinced me that we were sick. We're insane and we're sickness. But I said I can't believe that we would go to Hazleton, tell them how we are. And they wrote it down and then sold it to us because we identified with it. I said, surely to God we're not that sick. He said, yeah, we are. Thanks for having me. I really got great AA in Nebraska and Kansas. I'd love to come back here. Three of you haven't had me back here for a while after you go to a place, you know, they don't invite you back then they forget how you are never invite you back but I really was looking forward to coming back got several good friends here that mean a lot to me but I'm Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic and I love it come on I'm gonna go back and talk to my group goddess is that like what time is it good well don't have my glasses on either so with I'm gonna forget the time anyway but doesn't matter but I want you know I'm going to act right but I am Jim Williams now I'm an alcoholic and I'm glad to be here and I thank you for having me even though you probably wish you hadn't but that's what you need to do anyway then you just have to pray for me to get over your resentment and you you'll be okay we just keep making mistakes but now we know what to do about them before we'd ever didn't know how to do that but I'm not supposed to be an alcoholic I'm supposed to be here I'm suppose to be a southern Southern Southern Baptist now we're the real ones we're We're the ones that pray for the Catholics. Well, they drink, you know. Presbyterians of course, they knew it was going to happen. And Episcopalians, they just got tired of being Catholic. and the Methodists of course they just didn't like water I think I'd like to have been a Lutheran they believe in doing everything just a little bit in Texas you know we had dry counties that means you don't do it doesn't make any difference what it is you don's do it you sure don't drink it and you can't buy it and you have to go bootlegged but I didn't tell me about that I just thought they didn't do it in fact they had a hard time having children because they wouldn't allow them to dance because they had the whole women and so if they had that envelope deal they'd have mailed it they'd never touched a woman till yet out there where I was raised I was raising this little old Baptist church this little bitty town up in northwest Texas and we had a guy up there standing there saying if you think it you might as well done it well I knew you I was thinking I didn't know what it was but I knew I must be thinking it and so this guy kept doing all that and I kept doing what they told me not to do and do and I was having brain damage then not doing it and I didnít know it finally got to be about 13 which will happen to you when you do what I was doing one day at a time and I got in this car with this girl after school and and we kind of drove out in the country and kind of got some messes around and kindof had some funny feelings. And I told them about it. They said, We've been meaning to talk to you. I said, I knew that. You know we've been praying for you. Yeah, I know. You know, it's not like a, A said, So old Pat laid in the ditch last night. If he lives, we'll get him. And this bunch, they hone in on you, start praying for your life. They still have gleam in your eye and they know the next thing he's going to do is think it and do it. We've got to cut him off right now. So this guy said, Meet us before the service. you've got to get saved. I said, what from? I haven't done nothing. He said, we'll settle that when you get down there. So I got down there that morning. We went in that little room. We all got down on our knees and prayed. And he said, now, when they sing that last stanza down there, you come down that aisle. Well, they've already been singing that last dance and pointing at me. You know, my throat would hurt. So I waited, and they finally sang that last stance as I came down the aisle. It's kind of like a, except don't give out any chips. and they hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are and you know you're not but hell I liked it then they put you in the tank and they hacked your fleek and it chokes a little but you come out alright went to school the next day and saw that girl came right back I said well we're going to have to do it again it didn't take they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't do anything anything. I didn't know, I didn' know I don't do anything. I didn''t know that they could just say, ''Don't do that.'' They didn't do it anymore. I said, ''Well how do you not do it?'' ''Don''t think about it.'' I said I wonder why I didn't think about that. I thought well it's only two o'clock in the afternoon and I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day then when I get up tomorrow I'll never think about again. Got up next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy when I I start not to do something, I'm going to do it all the time. And when I start not to think about it, that's all I'm gonna think about. I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about it. Finally got out of high school. I had to go to summer school to get out of higher school. And I don't think I was so dumb, I was just busy. You know, we're tied up most of the time Guys said, I walked by the car yesterday and spoke to you, you didn't even speak speak to me. And I said, I was having a meeting. He said there wasn't anybody there but you. I said God how many do you need? I went to this guy and I said listen, I hear there's a town 30 miles away from here that's wild and wicked. They got a couple of joints over there called Honky Tonks let's go check it out. That's on one Saturday cause that's where we took a bath. I didn't know you could do it during the week. So we drove over there and walked in the door of that honky-tonk and my God, there was that deacon I'd seen every Sunday morning all my life with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other and I said, my God let's get out of here he'll tell Jesus on us and we didn't even get to do it you know, if you get caught before you do it you ought to forget it he said, well he can't tell anybody I said yeah but he's got a better shot with Jesus than we do however I like the girl he's with on Saturday night a lot better than when he's went on Sunday morning and he was happier than I had ever seen him I used to see him every Sunday morning I thought that deacons were just sad sack people now I know hell he's just tired we drank two beers didn't taste good didn't feel good didn like it and didn't do anything for me i was glad to get out of there i was gladly out there and get away from him he never did see me never didn't talk to me the next morning i want to go to church first time in my life i want a goal maybe he hadn't been going maybe you get old enough you don't have to go church anymore there he was sad like he always was then i had my first spiritual awakening maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody god i couldn't wait to tell my buddy i said don't tell us so we're going to go back next saturday and this big town had two joints go to the other joint did everything but committed adultery i would have done that but didn't know much about it and you know how we are think about it all day long and then that night drink one beer and forget it or if we do we don't remember where we did or not and you can't call back say we do anything last night hell you might might have and everything's fine. I learned how to drink, didn't even know I knew how to drink. You just drink one beer right after the other and get to feeling it's good, can't feel at all. Learned how to dance, fell down on the dance floor and broke my nose, did it five times after I learned How to Do It. Blacked out, waked up the next morning, threw up just like I knew what I was doing. This guy called, said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said oh well. Then I knew how to have a good time just go out and get drunk blackout wake up the next morning throw up then you know you had a good day did not know you drank it any other way i thought people who didn't drink like i drank just didn't rank now i see them putting umbrellas in them they don't get any water in there they were already they were arty putting fruit in them you know some Some guys even pour bourbon in milk. I had to ruin the bourbon. I would have never done it. Finally, I was over there at this town one afternoon by myself waiting to put off getting drunk as long as I could. It was about 2.30, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I walked by this post office and this sign out there said, We need you. And I went in there and they did. They said, Have you ever been to California? I said, No. We're going tomorrow. God, let me sign up. I went home and told my folks, and my folks are already looking at me funny. My folks are always... I'd go with kids places I didn't want to go so they'd like me. They never liked me enough. Never could get the girl I wanted. Always got the other one. And the other guy would get the other woman and my folk would say things like Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. Already done it once. Getting ready to do it again. They'd say, Jimmy would want to know I didn' t want to be that. No, I didn''t either. Everybody knew. Everything was opposite with me. and I never could fit in anywhere. So finally, I told them, I said, I'm going to California. They said, how are you going to California? You don't have any money. I said I'm going in the airport. They signed the deal, went over there. We went to San Antonio. They live one day at a time, you know. And they're a funny bunch. They get up in the middle of the night make their bed real quick like somebody's coming. Never did. And it's still dark and we go down and try to eat. If you haven't been drunk it'll make you sick eating that time of day and they were all scared because they walked in groups and whoever it was running our deal decided we ought to take a surprise trip which means we're not going to tell you so you can't tell anybody nobody will know where y'all are going including us and whoever it was that decided decided we all go to china i'm in the air force so we go to to China by boat. I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They have a few hills and some trees and a lot of rice but they mainly just make Chinese. They're good at it and it doesn't, they like it and then cause it is smog or anything and they just like to make Chinese they lose some but they're making so damn many it doesn't make any difference. So after you're there about three weeks you've seen all the of Chinese you'll ever need to see. So I told them I was ready to come back home. We stayed two years, and we came back by boat. Then I get back, my folks says, where are you going to school? I said, hell, I'm not going to school. Hate school. Couldn't get out of school when I went to school, wouldn't be caught dead. That was their favorite phrase. I wouldn't be caught death going back to school! They said if you don't have that piece of paper, you won't be able to apply for a job let alone get one every man coming out of the service is gonna have that piece of paper well I proved my folks wrong I've gutted that thing straight through summer and all took three and a half years and I got that piece of paper and I made sure I didn't learn one single thing I made sure that ever course I took I was going to pass it before I took it and that it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it destroys us, just to be right. A lot of people won't do that. A lot of people say, well, I could be wrong about that. not you and I the only time we'll ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right then we might say well, I could be wrong about that having some minor difficulties with women if you put ten pretty girls up there I'll get the sick one every time I don't know where I learned how to do that. I'd see some guys, they'd just go with a different girl every night. And I said, God, you can't do that, they'd go one girl one night and one girl next week and everything's the same with different girls. You're not supposed to do this, you're supposed to have a pretty girl and one that's sweet and nice and one you can take home and be in love with for God's sake. You just can't go with any girl. The only thing that's awkward about being that way is when you're in love walking around with no girl. take me about two months to find that precious sick little thing then we've become so much in love I'd almost have to quit work and then they just deteriorate there when I got the a I thought God this is the greatest place I have ever been it's the first time I'd ever been where they had the sick women grouped and I like both kinds I like the ones that got sick doing it and I liked the ones who got sick watching him do it I don't know why God seemed to think it was necessary for us to make sure that things operated properly in every place I worked it's hard to do your job and still get them to treat you like they should and still get them to run the business like it's supposed to be run took me a long time to notice that i was always the one that was leaving some of those folks are still operating where i was fired from doing it wrong which probably means that most of us are too smart to be in business finally got out of a job could not find wood and couldn't get a job and we had to look for jobs i'd Get up every morning, I'd throw up and I'd spray. And then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like, where have you worked the last ten years? What's none of their business? They even want to know where you lived. And I like to move around some. And some people like for me to move round some. How are you going to remember all those addresses? And then you've got the rest of the blanks you'd have to say. wonder what they'd like for me to say don't know him very well you know it's hard to make up all those answers then the interview last 10 minutes you go out and get drunk just do that one day at a time I saved this one place I knew the guy that was there I knew they had an opening and I knew he'd help me get the job and I walked in there and there he was this other guy and I was sitting there just waiting for him to help me get the job and he turned around the first thing he said was you don't want this job yeah I want the job god I need the job I have to have the job no you don't want this job everybody knew what I didn't want no other things just the opposite also knew there's something about me he'd like to tell me but didn't know how to do it and I also knew that it's gonna be happier when I left so I went out got drunk wake up next morning said you know I've been doing this for about 10 days I think I'll just take today off so I went out the golf course made no leg no piece of toast went around to my beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked and he said god you look horrible man what's wrong with you i said i think i'm coming down with something he said my god drink that beer that's oh i can't drink a beer for noon that's 10 30 for baptist he said drink the beer i don't want somebody have dt's out in the middle of golf course so i drank half that beer and sprayed the golf course with it i don' t mind spraying if i don''t lose my concentration you start thinking about women or something against your nose burns then you got to drink the rest of day just to kill the pain and i knew how to meditate before i got here i never meditate that deeply anymore it would be just when it was me god in the commode and you say oh god and it's stringy and you don't know where the end is and you can't breathe you'll get it back This is really an after-dinner talk, you know. You know what's funny in the hot summertime that even in the summer time with no air conditioning after you do that deep meditation like that it's tiring and you'd lean over there and that bowl was always just as cool. I told that guy I said I said, I think I need to go home and lie down. You know, I didn't get to use these vibrators in hotels until two years after I was sober because I used to vibrate all by myself. And I left to live with me. You know? I was supposed to call all the hospitals and I'd get in the car one morning and I said God, I hate to go out to that big old hospital and you have to drive there and it's a hard time to find a parking place and when you do you've got to take that kit go down through the lobby and wind down through that basement you know that materials manager he's not going to buy anything anyway it. So you don't even have to park, just drive right on by. So I went home and I got in the living room and I decided what I needed to do is commit suicide. And those guys that didn't hire me would worry about it for the rest of their days. I was living in Houston then. I said, you'll see it in the Houston Chronicle. Jimmy Williams commits suicide and they'll never get over it. But I didn't know how to do it. Now I see it on television all the time now. Suicide, call that number they probably even have group suicide now folders of softer easier ways this was even before overdose was popular you know overdose you're just going to remember the pump and us old guys think you ought to be sound in mind and body when you commit suicide i remember all three of mine i didn't like guns in the morning because i don't like noise and they splatter all over everything. Razor blades were popular then, but I didn't know how to do it. All they ever said was cut his wrist with a razor blade. Well you got two, which one do you cut? And which way do you cut it? Cut it across this way or cut up this way? No and nobody to call. I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You get blood all over the carpet and I'm always thinking of others. So I went to the bathroom where I do a lot of of things anyway. Got my razor blade and set on so I had sense enough to know even though I'd never done it before, you know we're not dumb. What if you cut the left wrist? The left side of die, right side be alive. What you backed out half dead and half live. What I need do if I'll cut both wrists that I'll bleed and die evenly. Well I cut both wrist I'm just sitting there thinking about those guys are gonna worry about it for the rest of their day. And the phone rang and I thought, what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was called? That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick answered the phone it was the police. You know, police have been trained by ministers they'll stop you about 3 o'clock in the morning and say, come go along with me and you say, oh God, I'm sorry but I can't go, I was supposed to be home at seven and i have got to get home then they have a personality change i've never talked to one of them yet didn't he'd say get out of the car but i said i'm not going then they really go nuts and you have to pacify them go along with them this guy said where were you last night i said i was right here and he said no you wasn't i said how do you know what he said we was there did i didn't want to talk to him anymore i'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody about no matter where you've been than you did. I said, well, what do you want me to do? And he said, Well, you can either come down here or we'll come out there and get you. I said, I'll be right there. And he said, If I were you, I'd pick up an attorney. You're in trouble, brother. I said, That'll take me an extra 30 minutes, but wait for me. I'm coming. God, I love to live with me. I can live a week and a half a day. I've had a hell of a day, got up, threw up all over the place, went out and ate breakfast, threw it up all over the golf course came home had a meeting committed suicide now it's only 11 o'clock so I had to call another meeting and I decided I said you know maybe I've lived in Houston long enough I don't like either one of those options that guy gave me besides I don t know him I think I'll just leave town so I just mailed a thing in the key to the folks that owned the place and i went ahead and picked up i didn't have any furniture i had quilts and blankets and junk and dirty clothes clean just had enough room for me in the car it's all leveled up i had one piece of furniture old lamp and a lamp shade i guess i was going to carry the light as soon as i could find the plug stopped and got a pint of whiskey and i ended up about 180 miles out of houston got drunk that night i had 36 when when I left, which was funny before inflation to start a new career. Waked up the next morning in a little town by the name of Brownwood with $7. I said, wonder how my folks are getting along. It's amazing sometimes when it's time to go home. And I called them and they said, collect so they'd know it was me. And they said what are you doing in Brownwood? And I said oh just out riding around. Well you want to ride by here? Yeah I believe we will. so I went by and I never shortchanged my folks they're not going to get their money back so always give them my very finest story in fact I've got the listing to it and hell it was so horrible I cried with him I thought God if I'd known he was that bad I'd left Houston three years earlier John says well let him have a hundred he's honest but the hundred and seven you can almost going to business so there I am the next morning I knew I had to sweat that night out spend the night and I waked up the next born and got out of there didn't sleep ten minutes got out there and turned around and leave for left I said Annalie there's one little thing I left out last night while I was down there I was drinking some but I decided I shall never drink again as long as I live you will never have to worry about my being under financed ever again you won't have have to worry about me at all. My folks are still looking at me like a black wall. When I got in there, I went back up there. I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? Then she said, well, I think I remember. I turned around to John and said, what do you think? And you drove off. And he says, well he's 33. He'll never live till he's 35. Said when you'd leave we thought that's the last time we're probably going to see you alive or you'd be in some kind of trouble somewhere. Well, I'm rich and I've got everything with me. So where am I gonna go and what I'm gonna do? I've gotta have a meeting. So I had a meeting and I decided I helped the guy get a job in the Rio Grande Valley. They say they got palm trees down there. I think I'll go down there just right down there from Fort Worth you know. Turned out to be a ten-and-a-half hour trip but I stopped right out of Fort Worth. Stopped at a filling station to happen to sell beer and i said how far is to waco 79 miles let me have three so i end up and i call this guy assuming he's going to let me come to his home and they had a trade out one of these old hotels downtown they let me stay there rather than come to this house i never took my clothes out of the car stayed there three weeks every morning got to come down that old elevator walk across street get my short sock shirt go back up there take a shower did that for three solid weeks and where he worked He'd finally got enough credit to get out of the valley But they hired me now. They didn't hire me because they wanted me they hire you because nobody goes down there looking for jobs they go down there dodging the snow or Just to play and shoot birds and go fishing and go to Mexico For some reason when I'd get a job I could just get drunk and not drunk drunk and I've worked seven days a week till I got up into my place and Sometimes I had to explain to him to get this guy out of my place. He's in my place took me three months for them to fire this guy then i got my place finally they catch on it's hard for them and then i could settle down and start doing my thing one afternoon i got off work and i was just so tired i just said before i get drunk i think i'm gonna have to go lay down for about 30 minutes so i went over there and the manager came by and knocked on the door and he said you know you've been here almost eight months we need to get better acquainted i said yeah yeah. Would you like to have a beer? And I said, oh, I guess one. He was a drunk, just like me. And he had two other drunks he introduced me to, and the four of us drunks ran that thing for eight years. Then he screwed up, got fired, and they cleaned all the drunks out. But I'm still trying to get married, and I've figured out what the deal is. I've been trying to get married since I was five and I just almost get there then they go to pot so I figured out what's happened is I've always been true to one girl in time what I need to do to keep going through that bad period is get a number one and a spare and it's hard when you're court drinking you know you call about three o'clock an afternoon says you're not doing anything I'll pick pick you up about 7 30 be fine yeah maybe four or five days sometimes before you got by there and then sometimes my weekends were like i'd get off work it's saturday at noon then i jump in the car and go to the golf course and have a big lunch like a six packet of cheese cracker get drunk black out be home in bed by 6 30 quarter quarter seven sleep passed out wake wake up about 10, 30, quarter to 11, and go down to my joint, close it at 1 o'clock that whoever my best friends were, we'd drive on over to Madam Morris and finish the evening. When daylight came, we'd either eat a little Wavis Run Chairs and throw it up, or sometime we skipped it and drank beer Sunday and taper off into Monday, and sometimes I missed it, and sometimes they made it. So this particular weekend, I was going to be off, so I was over at number one's house Friday around 11 o' clock, and it's past my bedtime during the week, and I'm blacking out, And I just sometimes we're just too honest for folks. I just have evidently. I've never mentioned number two and I just told her I thought about drop by and see her on the way home and that Evidently it shocked her and I said, but I want to go to the bathroom first and she followed me in there Could not wait To discuss it. I don't know exactly what you don't say putting carpet in bathrooms You know why people are having meetings in there? you're supposed to have meetings out where they got couches and beds and carpet not in the bathroom when the surfaces are too firm to have meanings i don't remember what happened and i'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind the motel i had the rock yards a long time before i started putting them in i see the weeds come up i say you never make it never make it so i'm slaying there asleep in my own bed i've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed and something goes wham! Jumped up looked down still had my clothes on I said oh my god I bet I was going somewhere early this morning look down that old white shirt and had blood on it blood makes me sick you know and I got four knots on the head a little blood I wrecked my car wrecked my car it's police you can't get out of those trailers or windows about like that you know one door and finally oh finally had guts enough to open the door and there was a preacher that's six foot four 240 pound Baptist preacher said come go along with me that's that preacher I know I look like I'm ready but I'm not ready I know how to look like it but I am NOT ready I am not I cannot go you can't go when you're in total fright I said I cannot go I don't know where the meeting is but I cannot go he said get in the car god I got in the car and he closed that door started up and I looked my car was back parked funny but it didn't look like I had a wreck. I said wreck somebody else's car is what I did. I've been to a car wreck, I bet you, I've been in a carwreck and then I couldn't breathe. I will not die, I'll just stop breathing. I could not breathe, I could NOT breathe and I said preacher I have got to have a beer there'll be no drinking before the meeting. Preacher I'm not breathing, I am NOT breathing. Did you know that Baptist preachers don't give a damn whether you can breathe or not. So we drove, drove up in front of her house so I assume it's gonna be there and we walked in there and my head's killing me. It got four knots on it, four knots on and they're not, they're fresh. They're fresh knots. When I looked at her she did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something and I said I'm going to the bathroom when I looked in that mirror and I'm gonna tell you something she won I'll never know what really happened what I really think happened I probably lost my equilibrium fell in that bathtub and she stepped on me two weeks later we got married we got got married in the first Baptist church, so it worked. I told her that since she had been married before and I was pure, that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people, but she could invite a few of her close friends. So I'm up again on Friday night. We're going to do it on Saturday morning at 10 o'clock, so there'll be no drinking before the meeting. And so about 11 o' clock, I'm blacking out, so I start calling everybody I know. And evidently I quit around three that's what they say you never know what they tell you is true or not and my good beer distributor friend who I played golf with it was my good friend came out of that church stopped me in the middle of the yard and says before you go in there I want to talk to you you called me at a quarter of three this morning there's not anybody here to see y'all get married we're here because we don't believe it and he said now I'm going to tell you as your best friend the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks but I showed him I hung it in there for eight years but my life changed I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace I was always gonna quit smoking cause made me gag of morning so I've grabbed those cigarettes grab that coffee go in that bathroom lock that door she'd tell me what I was through that door. Then I'd have to get upset, go make the living, get drunk, come home tell her what she was we did that one day at a time. Finally I went back to that preacher and I said preacher this thing is not working. He said you know what's wrong with you? You're missing the beauty of life. I said yeah. He said did you know the fruit trees are in bloom? I said no. He He said, what you need to do is go home and get your wife and drive up the valley and smell the aroma and look at the blossoms. I said, yeah. Jumped in the car, went over and opened the door and said, get in the cart! He said What for? I said We're going to go look at The Blossom. She said The Blosom And I said Yeah, we're missing the whole damn thing. So we get in the car, and I go by and get a six-pack of beer, drive up the valley, see a sign that said 14 miles to Batamaris, turned left, went to Batamar, switched to tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn thing. Lost that job, went completely nuts for two, completely insane for two months looking for a job, and finally a guy called me that I had been drunk with many times, was a drunk just like me, managed a drug company. He said, I understand you're looking for a job. And I said, yeah, but I'm not sure yet what I want to do. Since I don't have a profession, I like to change careers and always apply for jobs that you don't have any qualifications for. And that way, you don' t have to go to work too quick. He went ahead and hired me. We had a nice little interview. We drank a beer around 1030 and drank beer that day and had a sandwich and went down and rode the boat at midnight night and had a boat wreck and all got in hospitals. I won't tell you all that story but I got the job and was in hospitals for about three weeks. There's three of us separate hospitals and they'd say every insurance people came to see us and all three men had just had two beers. Took him six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. Now that's west west Texas. That's really West Texas. Little trees out there about that high. You can see California on a clear day. And I'm supposed to learn the drug business and I'm supposed to hold a pad with lines on it and write stuff like areomycin and all that stuff as this pharmacist calls it out. And you can't do it when you're moving. You just cannot do it. And if you keep trying to do it, you can do it! You can't even get down the phase and don't get between the lines. And this And this pharmacist says, God, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He said, well, take some of these. Now, this was before Valium. I understand Valium, both eyes cross and you walk straight. This was just Librium, which was absolutely nothing. Little old two-tone green and black or two-toned green. There's nothing to it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing to do it. I took two of them. Nothing happened. Waited 15 or 20 seconds. And I'm used to something moving or burning or doing something. Nothing happens, so I took three more. Then my knees just go, huh? I said, God, I know how to weave. Now I've got to learn new stamps. So I took a little bit in the daytime and drank beer at night. And the only time I ever... I had one decision to make every night after the third beer and never before. Am I going home early or am I going to close the joint? If I close the joint, I stay on beer. I'm going home early. I get a pint of whiskey, put it on top of those three beers in that little beer, and you go home like you're supposed to go home. Blacked out. My ideal night was to black out at the door. Now sometimes I did it. Sometimes I got a little earlier or a little late, but I always blacked out, even sleep, but I blacked up. Never had a, was a good blackout driver, bad drunk driver. I'd hit things when I was drunk, but blackout, safe. you ever drive with me drinking what just say are you blacked out yeah well you'll be okay ended up getting a job they recommended me I should not have gotten the job the president company said we don't know why you're recommended I didn't know because I didn' t know what they did and I wasn't gonna ask them and they weren't going to tell me so we hired each other without knowing what I was gonna do that's the reason I like us we don' t go where people go the way people go so I ended up back in Houston of March the 1st of 1965 my customers never saw me drunk oh what's-her-name and I had finally developed a nice sweet deep hate for one another a hate that was so good and so thorough that we were both safe because the one that died first won but it was best that we sleep in separate beds now because so we wouldn't have any meetings. So, we got us a little two-bedroom deal and we set up battle. And the day before Christmas Eve of 1965 I played golf with some of these administrators and their in-laws and outlaws that were in for Christmas and then I got a little too hospitable and I went over to their house blacked out at the doors. I got there didn't remember what happened drove from one side of Houston to the other blacked out nothing new for me nothing any different been doing it for 15 years least good the last 10 same thing same misery same fright same everything did the same thing if I've ever been anybody's house which was getting less all the time but I would always pick up the phone and call back and say I sure am sorry about last night wasn't sorry about last night one of them to tell me what I did they never tell you don't have to make a man you know they ought to make them but they wouldn't tell you the truth anyway they would just say it was okay Jim you just got drunk drunk was getting to be a bad name for me and people would tell me things like my good friend Jim people like you but they can't stand to be around you anymore because you're a drunk they didn't call me alcoholic that's pretty nice name drunk was getting the only drunk I knew is of one that was in the alley in that little old town where I lived that drank that wine and I knew I wasn't a drunk like I thought a drunk was but anyway that morning I went out to check my car and find out it was back I even quit asking it out got back and I'm not an alcoholic or what's-her-name had gone next door that's getting ready to have a Christmas Eve party and I picked up the phone looked in the phone book on the alcoholics donaldson called in a group and this girl act like she's glad I I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. She said, somebody be right out. Well, I waited an hour and nobody showed up. It was 10-15. Look, the icebox had three beers. I said, I'll just call them back. Tell them I don't need them now. It's Christmas Eve anyway and we can call them after the first beer. And I forgot who it was that called. Then about that time the phone rang. The guy said, be right there before I could tell him I didn't need him anymore. He hung up. He came by himself because his wife was managing these these apartments at that time when we moved in and he used to watch me going back and forth for 7-Eleven saying if he lives we'll get him. So I looked out there and this little short guy with a pointed nose had a book under his arm and I said oh my god we're gonna read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized I've been rededicated 10 times. I said I'll just get rid of him. We didn't read the book, we didn't pray. I don't know what he said, I don' know what I said about that time old watcher name came back and he said you want to go with me? Well I didn't but it's better to stay with her. So I got in the car with him and I said God he's not my kind of guy. He's a perfect stranger. I know better to go off with a damn stranger for God's sakes. Hit that old 610 loop down there in Houston. I said god I've made a mistake and I I said, I'll buy a beer. I don't want a beer, God, I knew it, I know it. I waited about 30 seconds and said, I'm going to tell you something, I got bad drunk last night and you either let me off and I'll walk off this freeway or that you told him or take me over there. I've got to have a beer and I've gotta have one right now besides that's 11.30. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh yeah, I can do that. I can handle total fright if I got a little light. It's when there's no light that you can't handle the fright. So we drove and drove in kind of a bad neighborhood, drove to this old rickety looking house I said hell is this it? He said yeah. I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks. Walked in the front door there's a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one. Walk back in the back with an old bar that had holes in the the linoleum that was on the bar, and the bartender didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. It's a program of attraction, you know. And that little dinkin' said, mix him up with a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what'd you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I says, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you besides all that you've got sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested I said indigestion is not my problem you throw up right you don't have indigestions I drank half of it and it curdled came right back up he said said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. I thought, hell, I'm going to put on a show for these folks. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. Hell, I didn't want to walk at all. They sat there and laughed and talked and watched. Got a new animal in here today walking back and forth, fighting for us. Drinking that sweet, sweet, sick, I hadn't had a piece of chocolate pie in 10 years. Six, we almost tasted now. About 4.30 he says, well, I guess we're ready to go. I said, yeah. I said let me out a couple blocks before I get to the apartment because I knew I had to slip in there and get in my car because I was going to have to go get some bourbon because beer would not cut that sweet taste. He said don't drink anything. I'm going to pick you up in about an hour and a half. I said what for? We're going to a meeting. I said where? where? Right back where we came from. I said, my God, we was there all day. Went back over there, kind of a funny bunch. There's a few of them kind of hugging and kissing and acting like they was kind of glad they was there, and the rest of them, they didn't act like they was too happy to be there either. They got up and said a little old prayer, and then some girl talked two or three hours, and they just laughed. Wasn't nothing funny. Some guy I got up and talked two or three hours. They said it was just 30 minutes, but I know it's two or 3 hours. And they would just laugh. I said, I'm going to tell you something. This is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up and held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. My God! I don't know how they did that. Every one of them started talking at the same time. Nobody listened. I said I wonder how he did that? They didn't sing any songs, lay any hands, do any kneeling. They didn' t do nothing. I said I'm gonna keep my eyes open more than I can see what he did. Me and the deacon and they're standing back there in the back. Nobody's talking to us. And about that time, I don't have to wait until tomorrow night I saw the deal. Men and women getting together, jumping in those cars, laughing and hugging and taking off. I said, uh-oh. As soon as you hear a little while, get to go over one of these apartments and have a little drink and talk about this damn thing. We went night after night after night after day and nobody invited us anywhere. I've got the only deacon that nobody can stand it doesn't rain in Houston just falls out this guy called and says pick you up in about 30 minutes I said it's raining did you ever go get a drink was raining I'll be ready one weekend or what your name had gone back to the valley see if we had any friends left so i just locked the door pulled down all the shades turned out all the lights had nothing on but the tv set and the old phone just ring ring ring let it ring and he says watch television all night next morning he called said where were you last night i said i was right here watching television enjoyed every damn minute of it and i may do it again tonight he said well you missed it I said what did I miss he said I don't know I said wasn't you there he said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you're supposed to here I thought my god you've got to go every night you'll miss it went every single night for three months got drunk every night for three months got drunk every night three months got drunk and sobered up all by myself and I decided I'm really not alcoholic I've been right all the time I'm really not one of those what I need to do now all I need to do is just get properly financed and if I have just always been under financed if I can get properly finance I'll be okay I can leave her leave them and leave everybody but first things first I've already learned that what I need to go back and officially resign and tell them thank you very much I'm just not one you and appreciate everything but I'm gone. Evidently, I'd called him about two o'clock one morning, which I doubt very seriously. I think they'll tell you anything. So the meeting had already started. So I thought, well, I'll sit through this meeting. Then after the meeting, he's got no patience. I'm getting ready to resign. Here he comes. Don't you ever call me again. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I never called you in the first place they called you and I'm gonna tell you something your best friends will not tell you nobody likes you here we don't get invited anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you and another thing I'm going to tell you if I had as bad a personality as you do I'd go back to to drink it. And you don't ever have to worry about my calling you if you was the last man on earth. I'd never, never call you. You have heard from me, brother, for the last time. And I left and I didn't until the next morning. Then I called him. He said, meet me at the club. I met him at the clubs and he said, get your coffee and sit down. They talk to you like a dog here, you know. He said, I'm going to tell you something about alcoholics Anonymous, Al-non, Alateen Alatot, Aladog There's absolutely no failure here Never has, never will Impossible to, must not Cannot fail There's no failure there Provided you do exactly What we tell you to do The way we tellyou to do it He said, now there's only one thing that you're going to get to do for the rest of your days. It's the only thing you're gonna get to do. But you're the only one that gets to do it. And that one thing is, you're gon' have to make a decision every day whether you're goin' go our way of life or your way of live. And if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make, they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So we're gonna give you a decision to make this morning. You're either gonna go our way of life or right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do? I said do you mean tell me you don't care whether I want to or not? Not a bit. Group doesn't care? Not at all. I said well if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I don' t want to do it then I'll do it. He said well first of all we've got to get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I I said, how much of my thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any good, we'll let you know. I said you put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, and he said that's for us. He said now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. The things we're gonna give you not to you, you'll add too. too. It will change, but the things we're going to give you to do, you'll just add two. Then it's going to happen over there. I said, what's going to happened over there? We don't know, but it always happens. I say, I'm going to tell you something. You never listen to me. I've been listening to every word you say, and I'm gonna tell you, so I want you to hear me. I do not understand. He said, and that's it, and don't you ever forget it. said there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days no matter what's going on in your life you do not understand then you'll have understanding and you when you quit trying to understand then você pode se divertir e a outra coisa é não importa qual é a sua situação is it's never the situation. It's never them, never her, never God. It you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said how do I do that? He said oh you can't. I say what the hell you tell me for then? He said that's what's going to happen to you. He said now I'm gonna give you the kicker this is the very one thing that got you here but it's also the very one thing should it not change will be the very one thing is going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children as long as you know that you know you'll never know but when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know that don't know then you'll begin to no I said hell you're crazy. He said, I know. He says, since you don't know how to not do something, the first thing we're going to learn how to NOT do is not drink or take a pill. You know that card I gave you has my name and four other men, no women on mine. But when you get squirrelly, definitely Evidently, before you take a drink or a pill, it doesn't make any difference what time of day or night it is, make one of those phone calls. Call one of these numbers. It doesn't matter. It doesn' t make any different if it's 3 in the morning, make the phone call. If you don't make the telephone call, you didn' t do it. Make the phone called. This is what we're going to do every day. When you get up in the mornin', I want you to say these words and these words only. Get on your knees and say, God, let Thy will only be done in my life. Help me to be what you want me to be today and help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do. God can handle that all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. off. I said, do you mean tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know what I need to go the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. Before I got down on my knees, I said God, you and I know he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian and you know I've been praying to you all my life but I'll tell you one thing we're going to do, we're gonna do everything just exactly like he says so when we get through this time, we can tell him to take it and shove it. Got out on my knees, I said that little prayer, got up and made sure I didn't go to the bathroom, picked up the phone, called him, he didn't even ask where I needed to go or not. He said, go to bathroom, meet me at the club. I met him at the Club and he said, now go to work. I said, I hate my job. He said what's that got to do with it? I said well I hated it so much yesterday that I couldn't go to Work. He says what did you do, sit in that chair and think? And I said until noon then I went to the club! He said well you don't know how to go to work i said how he said go get in the car if you'll write that down we'll catch it and he said besides that later on when you learn we'll do it more but in the beginning besides that prayer of a morning when you get in the car invite god in today i said why do you do that he says you say god i invite you in today put that on the card then i have to go to work which i think is of sin for us we should have retired we should've gone to work at 65 and retired at 18 then you come back to the club and you walk in the door and there they are and everybody's sitting around and out loud they say go get your coffee and come sit with us God I know to get my coffee but they've got to tell you then when you sit down and listen to the kings talk don't say anything when you almost get comfortable I said time for you to go home and eat supper and come back the meeting hell I know to go meet supper and come back the damn meeting but they've got to say it out loud we've got this baby here that can't do anything and after a meeting he said now go home and get on your knees beside the bed and thank God for the day I said did do not thank God who they been a miserable damn day hate you hate her hey hey hey hate God and I am not gonna be a hypocrite he said do you feel like when you talk to God that you don't mean it I said that's right I'm not gonna do it you can do it but I'm NOT gonna do he said that has absolutely nothing to do with it it's only the action you're taking that you dono you're thinking it's going to cause all the things that are going to happen to happen that you had no idea was going to happen and all the things that you think had to happen will never need to happen because once you take this action you didn't know you was taking and all that stuff that you had no idea was going to happen by the time all that occurs what you think has to happen we'll never need that i said well hell i understand that for god's sake i said do you mean to tell me that god does not care whether i'm sincere or not when I pray to him? He said, not a bit. God is not depending on you for your relationship with him. So I just got in that car and I went home and closed the door so what's-her-name couldn't get in there. Got out on my knees and said, okay, by God, God thank you for a miserable damn day. Amen. Hell, if he don't care and they don't carry and God don't cure, hell, I don't scare. Did that for about two months and I'm driving this morning about 9.30 right of the old 610 loop above Memorial Drive and this God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me For the first time in my life I knew I knew something different than I'd ever known it before I knew I would never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic or mind-changing drug unless I myself Myself insisted upon it, and I knew I knew it. God stayed with me all that day in that car. I thought, man, the rest of my life is going to be just like this. About 3 o'clock that afternoon, I said, you know, I need to get a tent and some tambourines. And I'm going to hit the road and save some souls. Oral better look out because Jimmy is coming. I couldn't wait for him to get back to the club. He's 15 minutes late, and he walks in there, I said get your coffee and sit down. The Baptist is taking over. I thought hell I might even let him go along and put up the tent. I knew this was going to make me the leader and I was ready and you know they have a little hard time when you tell them to do something. They're used to telling you but he did it and he came in the other room. I said come in the another room and I set him down there and i stood up there where i was the king now the show's over and he looked at me and i got through telling it and he grinned just a little says thank god we've got that over with now we can get started said my god that took a year he said some are sicker than others I said, what are you going to do about old What's-Her-Name? He said, ah, we're leaving our marriage just like it is. We're not messing with it. He said I'll send you to a guy that got his worked out and he sent me to Episcopalian and you know they don't know. And this guy says Are you married? And I said not really. I've been praying for somebody to sleep with her and nobody will. and I'm not sleeping with her and I know the girl is perfect for me she's been sober almost three weeks and they won't let me go with her and I having brain damage not doing it and he said do you remember when you got the alcoholics done unless you didn't fit in here or you didn' fit back out there I said yeah remember you thought you thought you were the only person going through that and even though you weren't alone you were lonesome? I said, yeah. He said, if you're willing to go through that period in every area of your life I'll not only guarantee a relationship with a woman, I'll guarantee a relationship with your fellow man that you couldn't have believed and I'll give you a bonus on top of that. I'll grant you a relationship with Almighty God that you could never have dreamed of. I said I don't believe that. he said isn't that wonderful you don't need to I said why is that he said it's only the action I said I've already heard that he said you haven't got anything going have you I said no don't start up anything and what we're gonna do we'll practice on what's-her-name you're never to tell her what's wrong with her ever again I said who's gonna going to tell her? He said, I don't know, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything to work friends out and on, children around to get her to do what you want her to do. I said, never. He said never. And then you're going to pray for her and I said I'm not. He says yes you are and you're gonna say this prayer and you may have to say it many times a day, but your gonna do it. God thy will be done for her as well as for me. take our relationship and let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth i said i do not want god's will to be done for her as well as for me he said remember what you want has nothing to do with it i started doing that every day kill me but i did he made me do it before i left him out loud so i did it and finally about two months later that old love, lust, sex thing showed up and God I told myself and I've got it and then I told my sponsor ten times a day and it didn't work so I told the group and one of the girls in the group said you're not supposed to tell that so I went over and told another group and one happened to stitch on me you know we don't gossip here we're just concerned I told him him. I said, you need to send her to Al-Anon. She said, she's already been going to Al Anon. My wife's been taking care of that. For those of you in Al-Alanon, I want you to know I love you. Call me anytime, day or night, if I can help you in any way. She found you depressing and the more she went to you, the more he found you depressed. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. So he said, we've heard all of that thing about the thing you've got and said, usually to relate when you stop acting on one of your defects god transforms your mind and you don't have any more but that's not happening to you said your wife's out of town go home and get in that apartment lock your door don't you call me anymore don't You call anybody else don't you talk about it anymore see they never can make up their mind call them all the time don't call and until you and God get rid of that that's the only way I know it's gonna happen I went in and I prayed and I cried and I cussed and I hit the couch. I learned to quit hitting the bar, it'd hurt your hand. About 11, 12 o'clock that night, I went to sleep. And the next day, that baby was gone. I went to four meetings. I thought, I don't think I'll even tell them they're so damn smart. So we all went to ice cream after that fourth meeting and there's all sitting around. I said, you know, I guess I might as well tell y'all. He said, oh hell, we knew it the first night. I said why didn't you tell me? He said you need to know that you're always going to be the last to know i said why is that he said we don't know well when me and old what's-her-name had nothing you know what you have when you have nothing nothing you how to get sick make something out of nothing so we end up getting divorced so our next marriage i knew what i was doing so i handled it myself i married a good southern southern bad just had never been around alcohol anywhere and she taught me different things that i had never learned before and now i've got one that's impossible to work out and it's doing fine and i'm going to quit doing it now three is enough three is a good number lord use that number a lot and i married a catholic which the bad just says you can't do and then it won't work and she's a yankee catholic besides that and she's paranoid which fits us just perfectly I love it when they say he said in the paper all the time now well you know he had this problem because he's schizophrenic and I said well I thought that was a mass set I didn't know it was a problem manic depressant would you be any other kind I wouldn't I mean they're going to be totally depressed or I'm not going to mess with it and I like to be paranoid they can never catch it They cannot catch it. Besides, I enjoy it and I entertain myself with it. Do you? Yeah. And I like to do it. I do it about you and then try to find out what's wrong. But what the hell? That doesn't make any difference. I never told anybody what I thought about you in the first place. Isn't it great? Wouldn't miss it. God, I'm glad we didn't miss this. I feel sorry for those that's not going to get here. We've got it. We can't tell anybody. Damn it. wish we could get our own church you know I saw that group churches they found it I don't know where they found but they put a bumper sticker out we found it and I want to get our bumpers yeah we've got and we've gotten and we wasn't even looking for it there after looking for it I talked to the Baptist Church the poor preachers trying to get it he can't get it he went out there to stay week with Schuller didn't get why neither one of them had it can't get it when you can't find it they can't find it we've got it and you can even give it to them why because they won't go do what we did who's going to do what we do who's gonna do what how are you gonna go tell them to prepare themselves to do what we do to really become what we are you've got to go do something you can'T just go get baptized go in there you've got to go where to nothing when they say you know we're all just sinners and filthy rags you've got to live to where you are who's gonna go do that well if I'd have known it I wouldn't done either would you you and I are perfect we did it you want to be perfect well you were we did exactly what we supposed to do we were supposed to go out and no matter what we did we were suppose to fail we tried everything in the world we could destroy us and everybody around us but we couldn't do it why because Almighty God chose you and I maybe he chose everybody else but I'm gonna tell you something he chose us probably before was born you and I did everything we could do to destroy ourselves and it could not happen because why he had us in the palm of his hand all the time we weren't gonna make and we had what we how are you going to find out your insufficient you got to become insufficient how are you gonna do that fail for God's sake and did we you bet you give it everything you had you bet you did hell we've got it oh they gets me now there's so many different trying every softer way you know whatever kind of food everything even they pay you for make money out of it and think that we're not going to be able to be here long enough to find out that Almighty God is our Father and has been there all the time. How come nobody can tell you anything? Wasn't supposed to. We're supposed to get our message from God himself only. That's the only reason that nobody could tell us anything. Isn't that wonderful? Hell, we've got the deal. The only thing I hate about it is that you could not stay here long enough and go off into these crazy things. they're fine they just won't get it and you'll miss finding out what Almighty God has done for you God never sent anybody here it wasn't supposed to be here and I know I know some things about us I don't know anything about anybody else but I know something's about you and I without a shadow of it out I know I know the only thing you and i didn't know was that God loved us and God's children cannot live without knowing that and you and and i tried to feel that and couldn't feel it until we became what god wanted us to become and once we did then he could bring us out of that darkness into this light and make us into what he created us to be and that's what you and i are today right now and you're not late and youre not early we're right on time you and I tonight are with the people that he created to become exactly what we're supposed to be and we're exactly where we're suppose to be from the direction and guidance and power of almighty God. And that's where we live today. Isn't that something? See, we was out there and didn't even know what we was doing. You thought you was having children, getting jobs, getting educated. Hell, you wasn't doing that. You was out their to properly prepare yourself to become what almighty God wanted you to be. You didn't know where you was going, did you? then it's none of your business where you're going after you get it and when God said I'll prepare a place for you did didn't he did he have everybody here for you sure did did you have that one sponsor in that one thing sure did the right one yep sure did had it already didn't had it all ready for us just because we've got now where we live we live in that power that wins everything every time i call you you call me every time you and i get together throughout that day as i invite this power into my life it lives with me and i live in that power just like you and id even at times we think we're cut off and think it's not there it's there we're doing exactly what almighty god wanted us to do thank god i stayed with you long enough that i could feel that god loving me and me loving him but the difference was you you see i could have gone to 10 different denominations in a thousand different churches but my life was never going to be any different until god sent me to be with you and sent you to be avec me no matter how you got here god sent you to be here just like he sent me avec you see you're the difference and it never fails. Once I'm with you, just like it is right now, that power's here. Let's us hear what we need to hear on a daily basis and become what Almighty God wants us to become and you and I live in that power today. It never changes and it's always with us. Like you can feel it right now. My loving you and you loving me. Thank you very much.