The Danger of Creating False Dependencies – Paige F.

all right what would you page awesome thank you so much and page i'm an alcoholic and yeah it's 5 30 well 5 45 in the morning but i am grateful to be here with you guys today both those things are true which is kind of a miracle you know gifts and alcoholics anonymous got a text from a spot see this morning and uh it's like why are you up and the only reason i would be up to be a service to alcoholics anonymous so i'm grateful to be here today and i get the privilege on on speaking on step 12 and and it really is a privilege for somebody like me because the 12 step is is such i mean it's my life you know i i get up in the mornings and i take my spiritual actions that allow me to connect to power greater than myself to live in a state of grace and then what i spend most of my day doing is sharing that gift that i've so freely given with others and it's given my life meaning and purpose beyond anything that i could have imagined but man when i got here so i don't want to do any of that man when i got here if you said you'd be up at 5 30 in the morning to speak at a meeting in india i'd be like are you sure are you like are you sure you're not drinking you know what i mean like this is not the life i that i expected and thank god thank god i did not get what i expected so those of you which is some of you guys uh know me and how i like to bounce around the big book. So that's kind of what we're going to do. I know we might think I might only do working with others. No, I'm still going to bounce around. In fact, it might get worse because it's its first thing in the morning. So let's pop over to page 60 because I just want to break down the 12 step as it's written in our 12 steps in the chapter how it works. I always like to look at it. 12 step, that's got three parts. So it starts on page 60, 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, that is a promise. That is a promise. So we kick off the 12 step with a promise that if I do these steps, the result, not a result, the result of these 12 steps, if I do these 12 steps to the best of my ability, the result will be a spiritual awakening. And you know what I love about that? That tells me this sort of that tells me these 12 steps as a way of life is alcoholic proof that as an alcoholic, I can't screw it up. You know, man, I told you I'd be bouncing around the ADHD that I definitely don't have this absolutely not kicking in at this hour. But let's pop over. Let's pop over to Bill's story. And let's go to page 13. And we're going to go to the very, very, very bottom of page 13. I'm so sorry. I told you guys it would be a little unhinged. Here we are. Very bottom of page 13. It said, my friend promise. So this is Abby Thatcher, who has carried the message of what our solution is and Alcoholics Anonymous, and what the program of action is. So solution is a spiritual awakening, the program of action, how I get there is these 12 steps. He's carrying this message to Bill. It says my friend promise. So this promise that Abby Thatcher has given to Bill is the same promise that is given to you and I here today. When these that when these things were done, now when I thought about them, not when I read them on the wall, not when I contemplated them, not when I told my sponsor, I did them, but I really didn't, you know what I mean? When these things were done, I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator, that I would have the elements of a way of living and something you guys know and are already annoyed Oh man, way of living? What do you mean, I can't set it and forget it. I mean, I got to keep doing this thing as a way of life. I can't just do it for a little bit. I mean, I got 5.30 in the morning. Well, I got up at 4.30 in the morning to make sure I could have meditated before I got here. 4.30 in the morning. That won't carry until later today. That won't carry until, you know what I mean? I got to continue. But I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator that I would have the elements of a way of living, which answered all my problems. All my problems. Not just my alcoholism. Not just the things that I think I can't manage. But all my problems. You know, I love when Bill Stewart says that I need to turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. All my problems. Man, that is what's on offer. A way of life. A relationship with a power that I didn't like, that I didn't believe in, that I didn't think could help me. But that has answered all my problems. All my problems today. And here's what it says to me. It says, It says, It says, We speak about honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, but not so much about willingness, honesty, and humility. To establish and maintain the new order of things were the essential requirements. So what is asked of me to have a spiritual awakening and to continue to live in that fourth dimension of existence? Well, I've got to have some belief in the power of God. I don't got to believe in God. I've got to believe that there's power that is available to me. And I need to be willing enough to take actions I don't want to take. Honest enough to be searching and fearless and humble enough to continue to do this. But if I do this, I will have this experience. So let's pop back over to page 60. That was that tangent that I didn't expect to go on this morning. It's a journey for all of us. Back to page 60. I should have told you guys keep your finger in the book or something, but like, so sorry. Back to 60. So that's the first part of page 60. Or the first part of step 12 as it's written. If I do this work to the best of my ability, I will have this experience. So having had a spiritual awakening is the result of these steps. We tried to carry this message to alcoholics. So that's step 12, part two. What is called of me is to carry this message. This message. What is this message? The spiritual awakening that happened as the result of these steps. And thank goodness that that's what I'm carrying. I'm sure that I'm the only one in this meeting today. That's a little bit codependent. Nobody else could possibly relate to trying to go around and fix other people's problems. And, you know, I, we have this joke with my sponsor about like, if you guys remember the Incredibles movie where it's like no capes, you know, cause I, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm like, I want to be the mark while I do the problems. I do want to be the martyr. I want to come in and save the day and put out all your fires and get all the credit and be told how important and loved I am. That's what I want. That's not what I'm doing. And actually, depending on how I do for time, I don't know. That's a God's hand. But depending on how I, how, how I do for time, we'll talk about in step 12, the guarding against creating false dependencies, false dependencies on me as somebody who has recovered that is taking somebody through the steps. But I'm carrying this message. And this is a message that has depth and weight that answers all my problems. I don't need to go put out their fires. We have a solution. That solution is a spiritual awakening. And man, some of you guys know I'm a spiritual seeker. You know, I'm rooted heavily in the directions of Alcoholics Anonymous out of this book. And in those directions, it says, be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they have to offer. And I go around. And I borrow from a variety of spiritual traditions. And there's a common theme. And it is the most sure sign of a spiritual awakening is the desire to go and help somebody else. You know, I have this experience and I go and help others. I carry this message. Now, step 12, part three is this and tried to practice these principles in all my affairs. Now we do. The affairs doesn't mean the word that we. We think it does. You know, it doesn't. It doesn't mean we're not. We're not cheating on our spouse. It means in all areas of our life. That's what that means. But here's here's the thing. I take I take this kind of media is controversial. Controversial. I don't know. It's five in the morning. So if I'm controversial, I'm sorry. But I take this controversial stance. Which is that the principles that I'm practicing in all my affairs aren't this nebulous hope. Isn't a. Intangible like courage or a humility that I can't quite put my finger on. No. For somebody like me, what I've come to find is the principles that I'm practicing in all my affairs is the actions of the steps. Because I don't know about you. When I heard what I would come to me and again, you could be like, you're stupid and I hate you. That's fine. I'm going to go to bed after this. But when I when I came into the rooms and I heard people like, yeah, I'm really practicing the principle. I was like. How? You know what I mean? I can't. I can't grab like honesty and like throw it at. I can't. I can't do that. You know, I didn't know how. But I know now how I can show up with inventory. I know how I can share that with someone where I can make amends. Where I can seek that God consciousness in any situation. That is how. And so those those are the three sections of. Of. Of 12 and what I'm called to do. So again, that I know I'm not. I'm not done this thing. It's not a set it and forget it thing for somebody like me. I've got to continue to grow and seek and practice. You know, I talk about this off on another tangent. We I talk about this, but it's that idea that like my very life. Page 20. Oh, I might go over there. My very life. Depends on. My constant thought of others and how I might. How I might help them meet their needs. How I might serve God and them. That is what my life is dependent upon. What do they need? They do not need my codependent meddling. They don't. They don't. What they need is a relationship with a power greater than themselves. That's what they need. Man. If I am not honed at my ability to clear away the stuff that is inside of me. I'm going to be a little fumbly at helping them. But the more that I clear away. The stuff inside of me. That's blocking me from the power that has gone in my life. The more I'm able to help others. What I mean by that is the more I inventory me. The more I'm able to help you inventory you. The more I make right my wrongs. The more I'm able to help you. And that's what I'm called to do. And so let's pop over again. We will. I do promise. We will get to work with others. I just I just like bouncing around a little bit and spending some unconventional places to go. But let's. Let's pop over to page 18. And on page 18, we're going to we're going to start off with the italics. It's a it's but and that's the if you go from the bottom, it's it's two up from the bottom. That's not a good way to tell you which paragraph it is. It make more sense if I counted from the top. But as early as that's too many numbers to count. And I can't do it. I'm so tired. Maybe. All right. So it says. The ex problem drinker. So before that, we're talking about how like doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, trained professionals, people of education and learning and science. And we're like, add them. Tell me what to do. And then the people that love us the most in our lives come and try to help us and fix us and save us. And we're like, definitely don't tell us what to do. But but the ex problem drinker us us who has found this solution, this solution. The spiritual awakening is the result of these 12 steps. Who is properly armed with facts about himself. What does it mean to be properly armed with facts about myself? What that means is that I know what is wrong with me as an alcoholic. I know the symptoms of alcoholism. My lack of control. Once I start to drink and my lack of choice that in same time that takes me back at time and time again to the first drink and I can offer you specific examples from my own life to help you identify and relate and. And that I'm armed with facts. I for me, I'm going to be armed with facts about the solution and how I get it. It does no good if I'm like, do a four step and they're like, how? And I'm like, I don't know. You know what I mean? Armed with the facts. But armed with the facts about himself in generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours until such an understanding is reached. Little or nothing can be accomplished. And you see, there's that thing. And I'm sure I'm sure we relate to it. That there's that like, I got my walls up. I'm guarded. Don't you tell me what to do? Don't you know who I think I am? And it's not though. You know who I think I am. I think I'm better than you. I think I'm worse than you. I think I'm the biggest piece of garbage that ever existed. And you couldn't possibly help somebody like me. I got all these problems. But when somebody says, hey, me too. Hey, this is how I drag. Hey, this is how I felt. Hey, this is how I experienced and it cracks open that armor. I'm like, yeah, I'm one of I'm just like you, you know? And so this is in parts of Ontario. This is what's called the sponsorship contract. And I look at it. This is this is how this is who I am called to be as an alcoholic who has recovered recovered from this illness. This is who I'm called to be when I when I go and work with others. So it's first and foremost. It says that the man who is making the approach. I that's all is helpful. Q. I mean, I did have a man the time, but oh, you're useful. So I am I am the person and welcome. We're on page 18 and you might be like, oh, she's supposed to be talking about step 12. Yep, we're bouncing around. But we're on page 18, bottom paragraph. The man who is making the approach. That's me. That is the person who has recovered from alcoholism. My job. My responsibility is to. Make the approach to show up to ask. Can I get your number? Can do you want to go for coffee with me? Do you need help? Because man, when I am new, I don't know. Do you know what I mean? I don't know what I need and the steps. I don't want to do those. So why would I want somebody to take me through them? Because I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know the hopelessness of my dilemma. My job is to go out and find them and reach out to them and the better than I really should. I will make it to how it works. I do promise that but we'll talk about that. My job is to find them to work with not to wait for them to come to me. I go out and I got to find those places where I'm likely to find alcoholics to work with. That's what I'm called to do. The man that who is making the approach has had the same difficulty again that I have the same illness. They obviously knows what he is talking about and not from some book or some education, but from our experience man, the worst things that we've done. We've gone through those worst things about ourselves are the most important things that we can use to help another human being another alcohol. I love this line that is hold the portment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer. I love that line. Now I can get a little enthusiastic. My job is not to shout at you and sometimes I get loud. Listen, I had I got up at 4 30 in the morning and I don't know what's going on with volume control. So if I'm yelling, sorry, it's early, but my job is to live my life in such a way where my deportment shouts. My deportment is the how I live my life. My deportment is how I carry myself. It's that light. That's not, you know, that person that comes into the room and you're like, oh, I want what you have. You are. Well, you are happy. You are free man. I want that that my responsibility to the newcomer is to live my life in such a way where the light. Shines through and there is no denying the change that has happened to me. That he is no attitude of holier than now. I'm not better than anyone in this room and to show up or any any any better than anyone that's dying of alcoholism and to show up in that way that we are shoulder to shoulder upon this common journey. And it says nothing whatever except in sincere desire to be helpful again helpful not fixed not safe not cured not micromanage. Helpful if you want what I have let's go to work. If you don't, okay, that's cool. You totally don't have to but this is all I have to offer that that's that's what we're talking about. That there are no fees to pay no access to grind, you know, no lectures to be endured. These are the conditions that we have found most effective after such an approach. Many take up their beds. And walk again. And I just I just want to point something out. I'm just going to skip to the bottom of the next paragraph where it says all of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort, which we are going to describe. So in those early days of alcoholics Anonymous where we saw incredibly high success rates 50 to 75% all of them all of those people who have had that level of success. Spent much of their spare time working with others taking them through the steps. So if I want those results. I got a little word that that's not that's not to say that we can't have hobbies. That's not to say that we can't have a Netflix subscription or Hulu or I don't know. I don't I don't know streaming services anymore. But you know what I mean? That's not to say that you can't have fun and time off but man much of my spare time. I always tell my sponsors. Listen, if you're not a little bit inconvenience, you're not working with enough alcoholics. You don't have enough sponsees. I got be a little just a little inconvenience, you know, it's good for me. All right. Now let's pop over to page 89. Let's let's dive right into the chapter working with others. Oh, and we're just we're just going to go like, you know, paragraph by paragraph. We'll skip over some and kind of summarize others. But we'll start off right at right at chapter. Seven page 89 practical experience and these now there are more than these promises in step 12. Oh, I hope I get to them because they're so good. But these are some promises that kick off step 12 chapter seven working with others. So it says practical experience shows and what I love about that is practical experience. Our practical experiences alcoholics who have recovered what we have done has demonstrated. This it's not some intellectual up in an ivory tower telling drugs what we should do, you know, medical best practices suggest no, it is us what we have done from our own experience shoulder to shoulder working in this thing and also also experience man. I'm an alcoholic. Don't tell me what to do. You know, I'm a little bit of that sort of mentality at times. What do you mean? Alcoholics are immature and childish. What? How dare they? But I'm an alcoholic. Don't tell me what to do. I'm doing the opposite. But that idea that this works. I'm not doing stuff that does not work. I do this because it works. Practical experience shows that nothing, nothing will show so much ensure immunity from drinking immunity immunity. I have freedom from the first drink. Many when I got here, I could not stop myself from taking that. First drink immunity from drinking as now. This is important. Intensive work with other alcoholics. See, I told you it's meant to be inconvenient. Intensive. Not a once in a while. Not a oh, I'll work with a spot. See once a week. No. And to be fair, some people have schedules. That's all they can do. I'm not. I'm not. I don't want to come across as judgmental at all. But if I intensive, I meant to work intensively with them. I meant to be inconvenienced. And so if I want immunity from drinking, which I do, I've got to be sponsoring others. I've got to be doing it. Intensively. So when it's inconvenient and it says it works when other activities fail, man, I won't take us back to Bill's story. Cause I know we've been bouncing around a lot, but man, that is a theme and build a story. You know, he has that experience out white light, spiritual awakening. He's on the mountain top, man. The thing is, he's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. He's on the mountain top. The clean wind is blowing through that wind of spirit. He's lifted up. The problem is gone now across the page. He's plagued by waves of self pity and resentment that almost drives him back to drink. See, this is not a set it and forget it program. I've got to continue to work this thing. But when all other measures failed work with another alcoholic would save the day. Working with others works when nothing else works. And so it says, this is our 12th suggestion. Keep in mind. It is. It is a suggestion, but we don't. And I make this joke. We don't have alternative suggestions, but we do on the bottom of page 25, alcoholic death, spiritual, spiritual tools, pick one. So our alternative is alcoholic death. But that's not like, it's not like I'm saying like, you know what I mean? It's just the reality of this thing. It's the nature of alcoholism. It's not a, it's like, we're going to kill you. No, no, not in the morning, but we're going to kill you in the morning. And it says you. So, oh, sorry. This is our 12th suggestion. Carrie, this message to other alcoholics, this message. That's the message that I have. That's the message. That's the, that's what I needed. This message. Freedom, freedom is the result of these 12 steps. This message. You can help when no one else can. Man, we get to help those who are beyond human. Not because I'm a serious person. I'm not going to help you. But I'm going to help you. If you want to support me, you can help me. And if you want to support me, Not because I'm a superhuman, but I get to carry this message. We get to help those who are doomed to die in alcoholic death. That is powerful. You can secure their confidence when others fail. We have that privilege, that privilege to be able to work with people, to be an extension of God and God's love in the world. And then it says, remember, they are very ill. And that is helpful. It is helpful to remember that. Because if we spend any time sponsoring others, we also know how difficult we can be as a group of people. Just sensitive and selfish and self-centered and a little, you know, tell me what to do. I want to do the opposite. It can be a little like that. But remember that we are ill, that we are dealing with people who are ill. Not stubborn, not bad, but ill. And man, this is my experience. Life will take on new meaning. See on page 52 in the bedevilments, I had a feeling of uselessness. I was full of fear. I couldn't seem to be of real use to other people. Man, my life, it was, it was, it was miserable. I hated my existence. Life takes on new meaning here at Step 12. To watch people recover, to see them help others. Others. To watch. To see loneliness vanish. Man, this is powerful. To see a fellowship grow up about you. To have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. Man, if you told me, if you told me when I got here that the bright spot of my life would be hanging out and, well, to be fair, Zoom wasn't really a thing when I got here. Definitely wasn't. But if you told me that like hanging out in these little Zoom squares or hanging out in church basements or community centers, you know, with the coffee, with the creamer, that it never stirs in no matter how hard you try, it's just a lump floating at the top. If you told me that would have been the bright spot of my life, I would have been like, ugh. You know what I mean? But it really is. It really is. To be a small part of the miracle in somebody else. That loneliness vanished. To watch. Man, you guys. I'm sure some of you guys know that when the light comes on in their eyes, you know, it's often for me, it happens right around step four when they're getting into resentments and they realize, you know, when we, when we realized that we were the jerk, you know, it goes from, I hate them. They suck too. Oh, I'm the jerk. It's surprising. That's when the light seems to come. But when that light comes on in their eyes and to be a small part of that and to watch families begin to come together and be restored, and man, it's, it's an incredible thing. It's up. It's genuinely don't miss it. It's the best. It's the best. You know, I'm friends that call it the God dope. You know, it's, it's like, man, it's the best. And so the next, um, the bright spot of our life, you know, the next paragraph, it goes on to talk about like, perhaps you are not acquainted with drinkers who want to recover. That is definitely not the case today. Here's why. See, the book was written to go out and carry this message. And if I knew no other sober alcoholics, I was living alone in Calgary, Alberta, had no intergroup central office and no meetings, but no sponsor finally got a copy of this book. I can follow its directions. I got a hustle. I got to find places that people to work with. That's, that's what my life depends on. I'll put others. So it's giving some places you could go. You could talk to, you know, some doctors, some ministers, priests, hospitals, and people in the general public that often come into contact with alcoholics. Nowadays, it's a lot easier, but it's also important that that is where a lot of our service structure has to engage with public information, cooperation with the professional community, letting people know that Alcoholics Anonymous exists. But it's really easy. You don't want all I have to do. Oh, I can, I can do a lot more, but fair minimum, if I'm looking for a spot seat, fair minimum. What I can do is show up to a meeting and if there's a newcomer, then I go and get their number and I talk to them. That's way easier than having to go to doctor's offices and churches and like talk to bars. And you know what I mean? Like I just got to show up. The meetings already there, the newcomers funnel in and let them squeezy. Right. So at minimum, what I can do is I can go up and talk to them. And I just, I love the very, very bottom of page 89 to be helpful. Is that right? That is our only thing. My job is not to fix, to save, to manage anything like that, to be helpful. If you want what I have, I will give everything I've got to give it to you. Now let's pop, pop up to next page, page 90. It says, when you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. So I need to gather and get some information. If he doesn't, I'm not going to. If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family. Also, they should be patient, realizing they're dealing with a sick person. If they don't want to stop drinking, that's okay. Cool. Keep drinking. And what I'm realizing, if I, if I have people that I'm working with and they don't want to work with steps, they don't want to, that's okay. I, my job isn't to convince anyone. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm going to do the steps. That's not my job. My job. Well, actually, what, whose job it is to convince people to work with steps. Alcoholism's job. That is the job of alcoholism. That is the job of the pain that comes as the result of a lack of control. Once I start to drink and the lack of choice that he repeated humiliation. That is not my responsibility. My responsibility is great love. My responsibility is to show up with the lights on and God's presence in my life. To show up with in such a way that my deportment chefs that, Hey, there is an answer here. If you want it, if you don't want it, cool. Okay. And man, it is the cool. There is so much freedom in not trying to chase people who want it. I'm, I'm sure I'm the only one that spent a lot of time trying to chase people who didn't want it, man. And like, we, that's how we learn. And so it goes on to say, like, if he wants to stop, talk to the person who's most interested in him. And that often is not like, I'm not getting in contact with, you know, um, sponsors like spouse or, or cause I, where did I get ahold of them? Met them through the meeting. But what I've found to be helpful and useful is to, is to have that conversation about like, have you been to alcoholics anonymous before? Tell me a little about your drinking. Tell me a little about kind of your history. Have you gone to treatment? Have you gone to rehab? Like, give me an idea. What's going on for you? Do you have spiritual connection? Do you have a lot of barriers to, to believe? Do you have a lot of religious trauma? Just give me a sense of what's going on so I can see how best to be helpful. That is what I'm called to do. The next few paragraphs are all about seeking to understand rather than to be understood. And I love that. It, uh, if I, if I go down it, uh, it talks about ask him, just ask him, do you want to quit drinking? And are you willing to go to any length to do so? If yes, awesome. Let's go. If no, that's okay. You don't have to, my job is not to force myself upon him. And that's really what it talks about in those pages. So let's go across the page on page 91. Second paragraph from the bottom, see your man alone if possible, which kind of makes sense. Cause I'm not gonna, I'm going to meet him at a meeting. I'm going to find this prospect. That's most of the places. I'm going to find them at first engage in general conversation after a while, turn the talk to some phase of your drinking, tell them enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to speak of himself. So what I'm doing is I'm sharing my experience, man. This is more war stories is useful. And if somebody starts to tell me a story about how they were pressing themselves behind a dumpster, man, I've got this in my pants behind the dumpster stores. I'm going to match that. Right. I don't, I don't want to necessarily do that at a meeting. There's no use to tell y'all about how my pants weren't dry. Uh, maybe a little, but I thought this one-on-one where I'm matching those experiences so that you're able to say, yeah, like I did that. I did that. That's what we're doing. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed. If he's not communicative, give him a sketch of your drinking career up until the time you quit, but say nothing for the moment of how that was accomplished. Listen, I will say he probably has an idea because I met him. I probably met him at an alcoholics anonymous meeting. You don't know what I'm saying? He probably has an idea. Uh, so just to, just to skip ahead a little bit, it's a bottom, bottom of that paragraph when he sees, you know, or the bottom of the page, very bottom of the page. When he sees, you know, all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. Top of page 92. Tell him how baffled you were. Yeah. How you finally learned that you were sick. Give an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist, the mental obsession, which leads the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is an alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He'll match your mental inconsistencies with some of his own. So the examples from our own life of the alcoholic cycle from XXVIII. Those times where I said, that's it. I'm never going to drink again. I'm never going to do this again. And then explaining from my own experience, you know, that, Oh, I feel a little restless, irritable, discontent, but really hammering home. What was the insane thought that I had that led me back to the first drink. The chapter more about alcoholism is all about the hopelessness of alcoholism and is all about the mental obsession. So give my examples of those times where I said, I'm not going to drink again. And I drank again. Really hammering that out. Yeah. My Luna? And I Blowem. And then the lower beingChar Short Railgun. She thought far enough. While at the end of the year, taking a drink. I ain't the people that like, they position themselves based on liquor. Moment. Essence. Yeah. My, my legs. again if i have a sign that you're an alcoholic dude if you have the illness i have you will drink again this is not a good news this is not a good situation you are going to drink and you're going to drink a lot sooner than you think you are that is my experience of dwelling on that hopelessness show him from your own experience how the queer mental conditioning surrounding that first drink that's the mental obsession that insane thought that takes me back time and time again to that first drink prevents the normal functioning of the willpower we're talking about the mental obsession i can't differentiate true from the false i think this time will be different and off i go and burn my life to the ground don't at this stage refer to this book unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it look i now you've seen it i want to discuss it we're talking about the book yeah i just i just joke it around uh but yeah at this point they kind of know what's up you know especially in you know what you know what you're talking about 2023 i had to look at my calendar i'm like what year is it and it says before seven in the morning is early for me um i made it here uh so and it goes on to say uh and let him be careful to not brand himself as an alcoholic let him draw his own conclusion if it sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking tell him that possibly he can if he's not too alcoholic but insist that if he is severely afflicted there may little there may be little chance he can recover by himself so that's the thing is i want to bear down on the hopelessness of this illness before i go heavy on we got to do the steps because why that's that's really what it's saying bear down on the hopelessness and if i'm working with somebody that doesn't want to do the steps that doesn't want to follow direction that wants to do things their own way okay go do that but if you are as severely afflicted as i am i didn't have that mess around room and you you just just for my experience oftentimes we need to have to learn from experience and learn from trying all the other ways that do not work to come to this one which finally does and then it says continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness a fatal again i am going to die at this thing fatal malady keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience explaining that many are doomed doomed's just another word for hopeless who never realize the predicament and then what we're going to do is we're just going to transition to the top of page 93 when it says let him ask you the question if you will um like how how i got well tell him exactly what happened to you stress the spiritual feature freely so in that paragraph and i know i missed some in the middle but what happens is a transition so we bear down on the hopelessness of alcoholism to lay down the foundation for step one and now what we're doing is we're going to lay down the foundation for step two and for step three i'm going to tell him exactly what happened to me a spiritual awakening and it says stress the spiritual feature freely the man being made agnostic or atheist make it emphatic with emphasis that he does not have to agree with your conception of god he can he can choose any conception he likes provided it makes sense to him the main thing is that he is being is he willing to believe in a power greater than himself and live by spiritual principles what's again spiritual principles doesn't make the most sense if i live by these actions of the steps man that made it simple to me so what we're doing is laying down the foundation of step two and step three and of course it like it goes on to you know there might be somebody who's been in and out of aa for years or has religious training and it's like man we're i'm not here to instruct you in religion but i can point out that what i have done has worked for me and if you're not here to instruct you in religion then you're not here to teach me and if you want what i have which is came as the result of following the directions out of this book let's go let's go i'm gonna pop ahead to uh page 94 top of page 94 i know i'm bouncing around a little it's going a little fast but i got five minutes left and i won't go over because it won't be respectful of the time and i want to get to page 100 i'm not going to take us we're going to skip to page 100 but we're going to do 94 first so it says outline the program of self-appraisal explaining how you made a self-appraisal how self-appraisal that sounds like a four-step how you straightened out your past sounds like a night step and why you're now endeavoring to be helpful to him it is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery actually he may be helping you more than you are helping him i guarantee anytime i've worked with anyone who has not sponsored yet is like i don't know about that but anytime i'm working with somebody who's sponsored me i'm going to be like oh hey that that that that is that you travel it's like too many times you tell people they don't know you're helpful to me how did i get the money they see me how did i get paid i spent it surely they didn't entirely 110 000 dollars they won't do anything right but yeah one of the things like you know they get paid but it's very hard and so i want you to think about how much work they're offering at france and france one of the ones that you're new or that they're not used to dealing with is the do okay it for everybody and one of the things that i'm being afraid not just today that it's uh the the question of whether or less we're getting too many production of alcoholization Isn't it even okay because it's possible that you're giving them the bread and the butter sliders or the rappers or whatever that does you're being said That's cool. That's cool. But man, if you want what I have, this is what has worked for me. It goes on to say on page 95, bottom of the first paragraph, never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop. Simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. The simple kit of spiritual tools is the 12 steps taken out of this book. Offer him friendship and fellowship and tell him, and I love this, if he wants to get well, you will do anything to help. Anything. I will, and I really mean that. I will get up at 4.30 in the morning. I will do anything. If you give me an inch, I will go a mile. But if you're not interested in the solution, if you expect me to act as a banker, which I do not, I do not give a spouse his money. That's no. But or a nurse for his sprees. I'm not here for that. I'm not here to just take your problems. If you've got problems, yeah, bring them to me. What we're going to do is inventory. That's how I got free. And so it goes on to talk about, man, that's our first visit. We're laying the foundation four and two, three. They got it. Then I give them the book and they're like, read the book. Well, in 2023, oftentimes, man, I can't read it on my own. So what I like to do is I like to read the book with my sponsees. We go line by line through the book and I'll just really quickly how I do it is I like, this is my preferred way. I got a willing sponsee. With some time on their hands. I like to go line by line through the book, reading with them an hour to two a day, closer to two rather than one a day, going through the book quickly and thoroughly. And the reason is when I work with sponsees in that way, they feel more comfortable and more able to work with others, which is the whole point. My job is to get my sponsee to the point, not only where they have a spiritual experience, but where they are able to help others have that spiritual experience. And I have found that effective. And that's the thing I always need to be open in my sponsorship is what I'm doing effective. If it's not, that's okay. Make sure it wasn't the most effective. I got to pivot and try something that's going to be a little more effective. And so that's, that's where I'm like a day I'm daily, you know, let's go hard. Let's work through these steps quickly and thoroughly. I don't got time to waste because man, if I'm working with a new prospect and they're an alcoholic, they will drink and they will drink. Quickly. So I'm going to page 98. I know I might go a minute over page 98, middle of middle of the paragraph. It says burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well, regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trusts in God and clean house, man. If I've got problems that are piling up, if I got stuff and I don't think this thing can work for me, man, I can get well, regardless of anyone I can get well, regardless, of my external condition. What a gift that is. I can get well, regardless of anyone. The only thing that is asking me is I trust in God and I clean house. I continue to do this step four through nine and I live in the disciplines in 10, 11, 12. I'm going to pop us and I'm going to wrap us up on page 100. It says both you and the new man bus must walk the first full paragraph on page 100. Both you and the new man must walk day by day. So this is a daily thing. It's not a set it and forget to think a daily thing in the path of spiritual progress. It's not progress, not perfection. It is spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. How am I growing spiritually? That's what matters. And it says, if you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have imagined. Anything that we could have planned. Follow the dictates. I don't like dictates. That sounds like rules and I'm a little rebellious alcoholic. That's just the steps. Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances. And that has been my experience. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share.