The Consistency of Being a Positive Example – Sharon B.

hi my name is Sharon Barker I'm an alcoholic and I'd like to thank you for your hospitality and your weather and being from Los Angeles has been 80 90 100 so Pete went out with me to buy a hat in between speakers today actually we did things very quickly and I think I may I said, I'm too busy to think about things. I just make decisions and move on. And we had a nice lunch, and it's been, you know, he picked me up late last night. I had to work, and so I was already checked in. And it's just all those nice little touches. And Liz, thank you so much for adjusting your schedule for me. And I have to leave early tomorrow, and... So I'm just a woman on the move. God. But you know what? if you're sitting there bored with your sobriety, you are boring. Get with it. I mean, you know, there is so much to do and so much fun to have and so much life to live. You know, I love Peggy. I'm sorry I missed her and Marty. It's nice to see you again and looking forward to Jay. I've not heard and I did enjoy Linda today very much. But Peggy lives a lot of life, you Know, and And Clancy's been my sponsor for, oh gosh, 12 years. But I always said, well, if something had ever happened to him or if he'd go off the deep end, you know, lucky Peggy gets me. She's got one of those multi-layered minds that we can kind of switch from one level to the next level back to the other level and one in between without blinking an eye. We could just sit there and have one of Those Conversations when some people look at, if they were listening, they go, okay. But I love Peggy, and I love her active, positive life that she leads in Alcoholics Anonymous with 30-some years. And my sponsor's got 39 years, and he's active, and there's a life to his step. There's a spark on in his eye in Alcoholic Anonymous. And, you know, if I want to have a life, I'm going to stay sober. I've got to stay sobre. I mean, there's no real choice there. Sure, I can choose to go drink, but if I want a life, I have to be in sobriety a day at a time, and I know that. And if I am so lucky to breathe in and out and stay sober and be a part of this wonderful, divinely inspired, I believe, fellowship, I want to have fun. I wantto have some, you know, lilt in my step. I wantt look around for those newcomer hands every time they raise them. You know, I don't want to sit there glum in my seat. And, you know, because of a God that loves me more than I love myself or could ever imagine, my sobriety date is August 20th, 1975. Since you give them, I thought I would give them here. So we don't do that out west, but they don't care. I go to a meeting every Wednesday night where there is probably 75 people that have more time than me in the room there's 1,200 people and I'm just a drop in the bucket and that makes me feel wonderful and secure because I don't know if Alcoholics Anonymous will be necessary for my child or your child or your mother or your aunt or your nephew or your neighbor but I just know that But if it's necessary for people that we love and know in life, I hope that they find what I found when I came to the program, which was one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic. And the traditions mean so much to me. And I was not this kind of person before. I was backpack on my back and see ya. I mean, if anything was tough, I was gone. I was out of here. Now listening to Linda this morning, it's just she hung in there so much. And I knew how to hang in there with my alcohol, though, as we all did. If you have a seat in this room today, you've earned your right to be here, period. The gift is knowing about Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the gift. And what you do with it is absolutely up to you. The steps are written 1 through 12, but you can work them as fast and as slow or whatever or how many times over, but I just hope you have a lot of fun with your sobriety because it can be a good time. And I grew up in Iowa, which was kind of, actually, it's kind of like here a little bit. And I was embarrassed about being from Iowa from the moment I knew I was from Iowa. I didn't need that added pressure as a child because I had one of those loud heads. and I am the only alcoholic in my family they are all fine I mean I look at pictures and I go okay this one does this this one says that that's you know and then there's me oh this is the alcoholic you know and I was showing Pete some pictures and my brother's wife's mother is sober a number of years in the programs like thank God there's at least another person somewhere related by marriage that is an alcoholic because I just feel like the Lone Ranger so much of the time, and even when I go home, still to this day, even though I'm working my program, I'm sober a number of years, I know what to do, I connect with the program, I call my sponsor, my babies call me there, you know, I know how to make my living amends to my parents, I know where I'm supposed to do it. I'm still the instigator. It doesn't matter. It's just, you know things kind of come out of my mouth that, you know but it always because I don't mean anything by it now it's kind of got a good shift to it in the family. It kind of moves people along a little bit. I don't mean to. I really don't. It's just the middle child, I walk into the room with my dukes up. I'll prove myself. I've just always been like that. God, I hated my older sister. She was Mensa. She was perfect. You know, they named her 777 after her recently. United rolled it off and her name's on it. And it's like, but I saw her plane first. She didn't see her plane until I had seen her plane. And I saw that plane at LAX and I got on it and we took pictures and I sat in the captain's seat and I sat in first class, and I stood by her name, and I sent it to her. And I thought, ha-ha-ha, I saw your plane first. So we were always like that. But a couple of years ago, I realized what she had done for me. I called her and said, thank you for making me competitive. Thank you for giving me that extra little bit of push in my life to just kind of get over the fear with my competitiveness because it's helped me in the business world, I think. sobriety has helped a lot in the business world. Working a program has helped a lot of people. It's helped a little bit in the business world, feeling equal to has helped me a lot in the busines world but just that little extra having that older perfect sister has helped my a lot too and I was able to kind of turn it around and call her and tell her thank you. Now that took 20 years of sobriete so sometimes these awarenesses come slowly but my family is really happy I'm sober because I started a lot of trouble early on but I had the good grades I was an honor student I was National Honor Society I was the cheerleader I was majorette and head major I played three instruments I was busy you know all the time busy but I was drinking and carrying on and getting in places and sneaking in places of hanging out with the older people and just you know driving drunk and hangovers and stealing the alcohol and and just I mean I was doing it all and And eventually, it started to become aware. People became aware of that. But they didn't know alcoholism. My family, we didn't have any alcoholism, you know? There was no knocking around. That people, you now, they were a sense of community. They cared about each other. Everybody was a lot of tradition, a lotof family. It was, you kno, it was good upbringing. And I had a lot fo opportunities. But there was that call of the wild. There was that alcoholism . . . There was something that was a lot louder than my, you know, let's go marry that nice man and, you know, go be his wife and have a pig farm and raise two whatever kids. It's like, no, no. And I went off to college in the late 60s. And if any of you remember the 60s, you probably weren't there. But it wasn't the just say no generation. It was just say thanks. So we took a lot of stuff with our alcohol, we had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun and I started out in this art school and I ended up, you know, thumbing my nose at the sorority and deactivating myself in a big protest letter and I had been protesting in Washington DC and protesting at other places and I went to all the be-ins and the love-ins in the protest marches and, you know, my father's trying to talk to me about what's going on and all I want to do is yell at him. All I want to do is argue with him. You know, alcohol and combination of other things I took just turned my attitude right around into anger. You know, anger, it was very directed anger. And I hated my dad. He was the guy that I put all my anger towards and I didn't realize it until a number of years in sobriety. That I just, all I really wanted my dad to do is fix it for me. Just fix it. Fix it for me. But you know, and I know looking back he tried many times, my family tried many times but you know they send me to psychiatrists and I throw up my legs and fold my arms and think we're paying you you figure it out not talk you know and there's only so often that they'll pay for that and then it's like out of here you know. And I went to a lot of doctors and I got a lot of things to keep me up and I was looking for truth I was thinking a lot of things looking for truths and I drinking a lot and eventually my father and I had that big blow-up fight you know I had suicide attempt I tried to kill myself. The priest came down with my dad to talk to me and take me out to dinner and try to help me, and the priest and I got really roaring drunk that night. And I brought him over to the student union. He was introducing all my students of the Democratic Society friends and all my Black Panther friends. And, you know, my father is standing aghast in the background, and me and the priests are, you now, we're sitting on the floor with these comrades, you know, and smashed, just smashed. And my dad, I know he would bring me down groceries because I looked a little thin, and I was cleaning a pound of grass on the table. You know, it was bad timing. I wasn't studying. I weren't going to school. I wasn' t making the grade. So my bags were basically on the doorstep, and I ended up in New York, and thought it was going to be a fresh start, and did a lot of those geographics. And I am so consistent in my sobriety. I'm so stable. I've been 16, well, 17 years where I live now. The same job 10 years. Same ex-husband for 20 years. Same boyfriend for 10 years, you know, same job for 10 años. I think I said that. I'm just so consistent, child, for 13 years. I mean, I'm just consistent. Same home group for 22 years. And it is not me. I am a runner. And one of the first things in sobriety I had to learn to do was to sit still. It will pass. What? It will past? This feeling will past. When I had feelings like that, we drank at them. We celebrated them. We went, you know, we moved them to other states and we had those kind of emotions. We didn't sit on a feeling and it will past what do you mean this is intense. We have to do something with it. It might be truth at the end of this field. You know, it's karma, you know, and signed it up in New York and worked for an ad agency and they drank hard and heavy. They drank, and I was a little girl from Iowa. Well, actually, I was from Wisconsin. I wouldn't tell people really where I was from because Wisconsin had cheese. And I thought cheese was more dignified than pigs and corn. So I was from Wisconsin because I talk like a Midwestern or you know, they could tell. So there I was working at this ad agency, drinking hard, looking for truth with all the other things I was taking. And then I took other things to keep me up so I wouldnít miss truth. So I wasnít sleeping at all. I was having anxiety attacks a lot of and somebody told me to breathe in the paper bag fine we would drink our lunch hours away we would close our door i mean this ad agency which is still in business today i'm surprised was making decisions based on our research and we were the drunkest department there was you know it was wonderful and um but after six months they gave me a paid vacation so i never came back you know i mean don't do that to me sick that was the longest i had ever been on a job with six months but you know I love new york but i got a little wacky and i called my father and I asked him after about 10 months of living there, please let me. Please let me go back to college. I'm serious now, Dad. And he said, okay. You know, one more chance, Dad. One more chance. And, he said okay. And so I went back to school and I couldn't draw anymore. I couldn' paint anymore. And that was gone. And you know, I don't know when it left. I have no idea, you know. Sitting in the West End bar on the Upper West Side of New York by Columbia University if the bartender would've said, you drinkin', you know act like this tonight you know you're going to probably turn that corner and not be able to paint again for 25 years oh I don't care serve it you know double it you know I don' t know what bar along the path before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous the bartender would have said that's the last year dignity kid drink and act like this tonight and do what you're gonna do that's that's it your dignity is gone I would have I don''t care double it serve it up buy him one too you know it just alcohol had more power than anything else in my life any other turn any other road any other opportunity anybody's love any sort of family any sort of roots alcohol was more powerful and if alcohol took those things away from you you know welcome I'm glad you're here I ended up in Colorado and lived there for a little while and I was the town drunk in this small town near Aspen and and I trying really hard to behave I was trying really hard to to shape up and I wanted to ride horses and and I ended up working in a restaurant where I served the people that were the horse people and I worked for this marine sergeant we were always hungover so we're always drinking in the back you know in the cooler we're sipping the beer to get us going in the morning and why did I do that last night he was married and oh my god you know and then one day I was in there and in walked Bob Dylan ordered a chocolate milkshake to go I went oh my god here uh no opportunity like this is going to come along again. So I made two chocolate milkshakes to go, got in the car with him and said, where are we going? He said, California. You want to come? And I went. I told my boss, I said, I'm taking some time off. And as you're fired, I quit came out of my, you know how we are. We've got to have those instincts for moving ahead right before they tap you on the shoulder. I was real good at those instincts, you know, and I really think it was Bob Dylan. I'm not sure, but I really think it was. Actually, in sobriety, we sometimes go to concerts. In fact, tomorrow night I get to go to a sober concert with a bunch of sober people. They said to me and Casey, they said, well, we're going to go the Rolling Stones and we want two of the oldest sober hippies in the group to come with us. It's like, oldest? What is that? So they got the tickets and we're gone. But we went to a Dylan concert about five years ago and I got these tickets that I didn't know. I didn' t look at them and they were the fourth row. I was like, okay. And we went and sat there and at the end of the encore they brought Casey and I up to the, we got to go stand at the feet of Bob Dylan, you know. And right there at the edge of his encore he, before the lights went out, he pointed at me and smiled, you know. Oh, he point at you! It was you! He pointed at you. And Casey goes, it was Bob Dylan. So anyway, he was very spiritual and he was a lot of fun. And we came to California and he went his way. I ended up at a commune. I did a communed thing. I was not a good pan handler. That was one of their ways of making a living. I had no self-worth. I would tell people they don't want to give me money and they wouldn't want To get any money. So that was that, you know? So I ended Up in the kitchen, which is not my favorite place to be. And that was one Of the big marijuana droughts. And so we didn't throw seeds or stems or anything away. You know, it was just, everything was like we put the seeds in the granola and the stems in the chicken cacciatore. I mean, it Was just like you didn't throw a thing away and the dogs were stoned and we drank cheap wine and the cats were stoned. But this was one of those places where I didn't have my instincts together because they tapped me on the shoulders and said, you are depressing. We're just going to have to ask you to leave. And it was like, oh, I missed it by about maybe two hours. I was starting to think maybe I should go, you know? And my instincts were starting to go awry on me. I couldn't trust them anymore. So I ended up with my thumb out going through Las Vegas with a new dog they gave me, Tar Baby. And she was a great dog. And I ended UP in Vegas. You know, they kicked me out for being underage. They didn't want me there. And I headed up back at home with Mom and Dad. And it was winter, and it was cold, and It was dreary. and I couldn't, you know, my connections weren't around and so I was in those taverns drinking. My mother said, just stay here, you can stay upstairs but don't upset your father. Just please don't offset your father and don't take any drugs in this house. So I drank and I drank a lot and I was very depressed and my dad and I could not sit at the same table and eat breakfast. I could even, you now, if I would sit at the far end of the living room while the TV was on there would be something that would irritate him or he would irritate me, and it would start the verbal fighting that we did. My defensiveness, my anger, my awful way I treated my father and the awful things I told him. My dad knew everything about me up until a point of what I did because I wanted him to know, you got the big shoulders, you can carry it, and this is what you've done to me, the big victim. And so hence my dad still knows too much about me, but it was bad. And I just did out of his way, you know. We couldn't even, if someone was walking down that one hallway, which was kind of narrow, I'd wait until he won because, God forbid, we brushed shoulders. There was so much emotional pain between me and my dad. My dog got killed. Had a lot of dogs die, unfortunately. and I had the one cat that finally retired on a little farm in Iowa but I used to burn incense on its head. It would sit there and watch it and have this little round spot here where the incense would always well most of the time I wouldn't pass out before it burned down sometimes it'd go out but it would sit their and look at it I mean it liked it Tar Baby got hit by a car and I put her in the trunk of my car and she was frozen there for I don't know how long before my mother caught me talking to her one night drunk so we buried that dog it didn't matter if the ground was frozen it was January, she got the shovels out I have made a lot of amends to the animal kingdom over the last 22 years I had turtles crawl through my cocaine and stiffen up but today I have the thousand dollar dog that got hit by a car three weeks ago she's going to be alright but you know it's like I don't even I just think I just write those checks I don' t even think you know I have the $500 cap I found you know and okay God when is this going to be even you know but early in my sobriety I couldn' t have a dog because I lived somewhere where I couldn't and they would find me anyway so I'd have to find them homes and get them bathed they'd sit in the middle of the road and wouldn't move you know I know who you are and you have to take me you know So there's ways of making amends and rubbing out the record, as Chuck C. used to say. You know, clean in that slate. But Tar Baby broke my heart. She was my only friend. And, you know, I ended up, somebody said, let me take care of you. And, gee, I'm just the perfect victim anyway. I don't care where we're going or what we're doing. It was an organic farm in northern Wisconsin, and it was cold. It was cold, a non-insulated schoolhouse, and we heated with wood. And, you know, God forbid we should do anything modern like even have a TV. You know, and I got Mother Earth news, and that was the big thing. Oh, here it is. And I would spend hours poring over that, andI painted mailboxes for money. And,you know, it was an organic community. It was organic farms, and we ate organic food. We went into Minneapolis, andwe got organic stuff. And,You know, I'd look in the back ofthat pickup and go, I'm not going to be here long enoughto eat all of that food. You know, we would buy this bulk of stuff, bulk of oats. And the wheat grinder came and, oh, they were so happy the wheat grinder was here and picking up, grinding these organic wheat berries. And I was in the kitchen again making organic bread. And, you know, and they took away my alcohol and they take away my cigarettes and they gave me an organic pot to smoke. And they thought that I'd be just fine with that. But you know an alcoholic, we get thirsty, you now. And I puff on that stuff and it's like, you kno, I get stuck out there doing the maple trees. I'd be stuck in the crust of the snow they'd be hootenannying at one more night and it's like oh you guys are so boring and I would just get thirsty and the snow looked heavy and I'd have to go get some wine I'd take my quarters and go get cheap wine and I was happier as soon as the wine was in the house it was like relief and they'd look at me like why do you have to act that way can't you just smoke these because when the wine got in me the cowboy boots came on those organic Eddie Bowers were, you know, those rubber galoshes were gone and the overalls were off, you know. And I was in my outfit and, you know, my truck driver mouth had kind of slipped to the side. And, you know, and I'd put the Rolling Stones on and throw Pete Seeger across the room and they would just all leave, you know. They would all leave because none of them were alcoholic. But one night about four in the morning my mate or whatever he was woke up and took a look at me and said, why do you have to act like this. Why can't you just smoke these? And my head said, alcohol is more fun than you. And I listened to my head. I have a very sharp head. And it was down to one voice, alcohol's more fun then you. Eventually I ended up alone which was fine and I harvested my organic pot by horseback. I went to turn a dope deal. I forgot the pot and joined a carnival and it was that simple. It's really that simple, you know. Now I can't talk to my mother because she cries when I call home. She can't believe I did this thing. You know, my father and I don't talk. My mother cries now. And, you know, I ran a shooting gallery and ripped off kids. I mean, I'm not proud of that. And another thing in sobriety, that kind of came up later in my sobriete. How do I make amends for that? Oh, gee, I don't know. Well, I am not going to go join a carnival again. And hanging around the midway isn't something I want to do. And my son ended up getting kicked out of a school. And And I was sponsoring this nun, and she was principal of this school. And she said, bring him over. So this was kindergarten. He was already expressing himself. So I brought him over, and he's been in that school through, this is his last year, eighth grade. And the funny thing about that was in the spring they had this carnival. And I worked the carnival because you have to have so many service hours. And so I'd work the carnivale, and I worked for my service hours, And I don't know, it must have been the second or third one I was working in. And the light went on. Gee, why don't we just buy some kids some ride tickets? You know, let's do that. So I bought some rideickets for some kids. Well, the next year it felt like I better buy some more ride tickets. It didn't feel like it was done yet. And so the next day my son brought a couple more friends, you know, and so I bought them all ride tickets." Well, this has been I don' t know how many years now, and the crowd is really big when I go to buy the ride tickets now on Friday night when they open the carnival. It's my son and all his friends. And so we're still buying ride tickets for the kids, and I'm hoping that this is the last year and I'll feel like it's done, but we're buying a lot of ride tickets. So ways have come up in my sobriety with how to clean the record up. You know, and still to this day, I am still open to whatever comes down, whatever I'm supposed to hear if I'm doing my prayer meditation, if there's something undone, not just the current stuff, but something from the past, it does rear its ugly head. I do get to see where I'm supposed to go with my program and clean things up. Because I was out there taking for a lot of years, taking. And Al-Khalid Salamis has turned me into a person of the heart, a giver, because I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. Not because I'm a good person. Not because i'm a wonderful person. The steps will give you a spiritual awakening as a results of working them. It's written right there. And it has not, for people I know that stick it out, it has now not come true for people. So I've stopped being a taker, but I was out there doing it. I ended up in jail in Bogalusa, Louisiana, busted for sales and possession, which made it a felony, and I went to maximum security. That's all they had for me, so that's where I went. And after being in there a while, they took me in handcuffs to a building and there was my father. And I didn't want to see him and he didn't wants to see me. You know, I don't talk to him on the phone. He doesn't know what's going on in my life, only through my mother. If I call home, he answers. He hands it to Mom. And there was my dad. I had hired this lawyer. There I was in handcuffs sitting inches away from his shoulder looking across the desk at this man. My dad and I didn't hug. We didn't kiss. We didn'T, you know, oh, God, I'm so sorry, Dad. You know? It's like let me go home and start over. It was none of that. It was just my dad said I told him I wasn't guilty because it's just never my fault. It's never my fault. And we talked about that about five years ago. It was the first time I could kind of talk about that because there was a lot of pain that day. There was a little bit of sadness that day, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was just a lot to letting go that day and I ended up in New Orleans and I had to pay this money and so me and my new found beau who happened to be in the room the morning I was busted, got also busted with me and he had a pet skunk so the skunk got busted and I got busted and my dog got busted and we all went to jail. And so we're like tied as blood brothers to this court thing and this big drug bust and for two years we were together, for two weeks we cared about each other and the rest of the time it was knife fights and black eyes and insanity and I didn't grow up with that. It was not something that I had that was part of me but it was something that was now very natural for me. It was some way for me to live That was absolutely normal. And at some point in living there, Hope walked out the door. And I don't know about you, but when Hope left during my drinking, it's like something changes. You really just don't care anymore. And that was the one thing in Alcoholics Anonymous that I felt before I knew what it was when I got a little bit of it, of hope. And my parents came to visit at one point in those two years. you know, I had black eye and a platinum blonde wig and the skunk droppings were everywhere and the snake was loose and this guy was calling me four-letter words in front of my mother and I went down and sat at the mousetrap bar and I sat there and ordered my tequila my Jose Cuervo Gold nice and neat in a rock glass no salt, no lemon, no lime just pour it to the top full of tequila that's what I drank and it didn't work for me when they left I wanted to just put that pain out of the way my mother cried and the way my father couldn't look at me. And it didn't work for me. And I was going to do that for the next few years until I came to you. It was going not be something I could rely on to make me feel whole, to make feel like I don't care, to make like what's the next thing? Let's just move on. Who cares anyway? It didn't worked for me that day. And I attended bar and I did an okay job of it. Some places I got fired from the last place. I'm still in touch with one of my old bosses today, and every time I go to town, I always stop in and say hi, and he always goes, are you still with it? It's like, with it, yeah, I'm Still With It. He can't say it because he might need it, but he likes it that I'm StilWithIt. When I went back in 1980 for the International Convention in New Orleans, it was quite a trip, I'll tell you, because I tore up that town. I mean, there was a girl named Robin and a girl named Denny that the three of us were like the Three Musketeers. And we drank and passed out and lost our cars together and, you know, we were best friends. We always locked our drugs up from each other and never told what we really had, but we drank and partied and worked and lived in the French Quarter for three and a half years together. And Denny did not recognize me. I was four and a halve years, almost five years sober, and she didn't recognize me. Robin was so drunk, I remember her passed out on my bed at the hotel room with the big book under her arm and she was a cocktail waitress and she had bloated up and she's kind of coming out of her uniform i had to kind of move it around that anybody walk in you know she's out with the Big Book you know i wish i'd have a picture of that she doesn't remember me 12 stepping her but i walked around that french quarter with sober eyes and with sober friends and i was just an example of the Big book with what it had done you should see sherry you should See what that a&a has done with her the power of the example of alcoholics and I was just in the way I had changed physically was an amazing thing people were out looking for me, they wanted to see me I made my amends, I tried to pay people back they didn't want my money they were so happy because it's full of a lot of alcohol like the French Quarter and I wasn't one of the bad ones even Billy at the Bastille my favorite bar would look at me and go not today you got your hair caught in the ceiling fan last night in the globe. No wonder I had a sore head, you know? Or I'd vomit on somebody's shoes or I'd start a fight and take my mace out. And oh, I mean, I was just, you just didn't know how I was going to react. Or I come to him Florida with people I had moved to in the middle of the night and not knowing who they were and where I was. And, you know, my blackouts were longer and harder. And I moved to St. Louis to find this guy that had, that I was in love with. And he moved up there and his parole got pulled and so St. Louis found them and I went up and I worked three jobs up there I never slapped that stuff was still working for me and one night I found him you know and he got off his Harley and he took off his helmet and he broke the window and he pulled me out by my hair and said if I ever see you again I will kill you and that's when I let go of the relationship I mean that is the way I am that's the way if you are not ready to go out of my life I will chain you you know and I am not the victim anymore I was the victim for many, many years and I'm not the victim anymore. And, you know, Linda talked a little bit about that today and I was thinking about that, you Know, because before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I had a lot of situations. And I was probably about five years sober when I was getting mugged. This was in Los Angeles and I wanted to pick up a baby whose husband had freaked out and thrown the phone through the window and so it's midnight and I am in Venice we're putting our bags in the car and, you Now, and so we're bringing her home we'd stop for gas and somebody, I guess, had followed us. And they came up behind us and they, you know, they had a knife. And I took off. I run. I don't know what, I mean, I don' t know how I'm going to react sober, but I'm running across the neighborhood. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. People are coming out of their houses. And I thought, I'm not going through this again. I am not going to go through this in sobriety. And then I heard a voice. And the voice said, just give them your purse. I turned around and I handed them. That's all I wanted. And they ran. It was like, oh, thank you, God. You know, and it's just, you know, I'm not saying, I just saying that I, that situation happened again to me and I thought, I am not going to go through this again. And you know like God was there. God was louder than my head which was run, panic, whatever. Just give them your purse, you know? And I thought about that because, you know, am not a victim anymore. Am not, you know, oh hurt me, do this, whatever, am not worth it. I am worth it today, you know, because am God's kid. Am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Am an example of alcoholic synonymous and that's a very powerful thing because people sometimes don't even know you're an example until they need you and they've watched you for years and maybe watched how you react and and i mean people at work i'm very anonymous but when things have come up i have broken my anonymity and people have gotten sober because my instincts are right because i'm in touch with my god not because of my ego and it's been an amazing thing because I'm glad that I have acted as a positive example of Alcoholics Anonymous all those years before they needed me. You know, it's not that I come to and I'm just wonderful and here we are and you've been a jerk at work for three years that I've known you, you know? I don't know that if I'm driving down the road to my Wednesday night meeting and I've cut somebody off and given them the finger that it's like a newcomer of the main speaker. You know? I have to shape up, you now? I love that lady from Australia that used to have the Easy Does It on her car but she said she drove so fast she finally put a This Too Shall Pass it's one of the last places i've mellowed out is my driving um but uh you know i in 1975 it was insanity and my friend was shot and killed and i walked over his body and i ended up it was in a blackout and everybody hit the deck we were partying it was mardi gras you know but let's have a good time michael had a gun oh michael put your gun away I went back into a blackout and I woke up and he's dead from a policeman who had shot him because he lowered the gun at the cop. Cause he'd been shooting at people off my balcony. Michael was a good guy. Michael Was a bouncer, Pat O'Brien's Michael partied with us. I don't know why he went over the edge that morning. I have no idea. I just know that that's the way we all were. The people I hung with, we didn't care anymore. We were just waiting for anything to happen. And And I looked at everybody and said, I'm taking a bath. That was my reality. And I got out of town and I was on the run. And it was 1975 and I ran to New York and I came to California and went back to New Orleans and I cam to California on my way to Hawaii all in about four months because I couldn't stand myself anymore. I couldn' t stand the way I thought people looked at me. I thought you could all see right through me. And I'd been to those places where you could see right though me because you had some sense of spirit whether it was a God thing, a religious thing or, you know, a Krishna thing or whatever thing. I had been to those places where they had something I needed because I had such a spiritual desert that I was attracted to that. But as soon as you wanted a commitment from me, as soon it was forever or eternity or, you know come with us and we'll change your life. It wasn't how I pick up my backpack, which had the book in it. Be here now, be here now. And my favorite song was Love the One You're With. You know, it's like I just live a day at a time and I've got to go. And I always ran from those things. And I was spiritually dead. Dead. And I ended up at a bar still in Barney's Beanery where I first saw the big book. And her name was Chris Running and she was too drunk to drive to a meeting so the bartender called her a taxi. And she had that black book under her arm, Alcoholics Anonymous, feeling her way out the door because she couldn't walk. And we all gave her a toast. Good for you, Chris. Go to ANA. And that was the first time in my life I had ever heard the words, had ever seen the book. And she was going to be my Eskimo and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't even know that. And I went out to Palm Springs on a Harley. I had become unemployable. I was over 170 pounds of bloated mess. I had red splotches on my cheek. I didn' t bathe. I didn''t have any place to sleep. It didn' d matter. But I managed to drink. And I managedto sleep wherever. Hallways, on your floor, wherever. And I din' t care anymore. So I had stopped writing home. I had stop calling home. I just broke people's hearts. I didn't even want to know about it anymore. I just hoped the alcohol would work tonight, and I was waiting. I was just waiting for what was inevitable. I was 25 years old, andI was waiting to die. Palm Springs, and they didn't want to party with me. They just needed a little extra weight in the back tire. It was windy going through the desert. I was the extra weight, so they left, and I ended up meeting some people at the bar. I don't remember much about the evening. They took me somewhere, and they physically abused me. And they broke my jaw in three places, and it broke my nose, and I got a concussion, and I was drug around on the cement. And they took me outside of town and rolled me off the side of the road. And it was Palm Springs. It was desert. It was July 27, 1975, and i was out of it, bleeding from my face. I should have just laid there. You couldn't have seen me driving by. I was off the road, and you should have had another speaker today. But I heard the car door slam, and Linda talked about the survivor. And you know, God, there's an incredible survivor in each single, every single soul sitting in this room has an incredible survivor because we've made it here. It's by seconds and inches we've make it here, but we've made it hear. And I got up because I heard the car doors slam and I heard a voice, that loud voice that flouted in my head, which is my guide. It said, get up, I want to live. And I paid attention. I don't remember what happened, but evidently down somewhere a condominium down the road by the pool passed out in a chair just a gardener found me and called the ambulance and the police and I came to on a gurney in the hospital and I was their victim I was like god this is what I've aspired to victim you know but I heard that voice it's not your dad's fault it'snot the catholic church it'snotsisterofthemenza it'snogeorgewhobrokeyourheart it'sntmylistofthings The poor me's the victim things. It's not that list at the end of it. It said you did this to you Well, how should I do? I heard it, you know something about it I heard and I laid in the hospital for two weeks and nobody sent me an airline ticket and I was getting ready to come to you Nobody bailed me out this time that sister with the money didn't bail me out Didn't send a ticket this time and I went and lived above a liquor store in West Los Angeles Angeles because I had to go back to doctors, I had to go to court. They caught these guys and this guy from Barney's Beanery who was a friend of Chris Running's, the girl who had the big book, said I could live with him for a while. He knew I had nowhere to go and I was tired. There was no way I was going to stick my thumb out and go somewhere else. I just couldn't do it anymore. And he'd buy me red wine, go off to work and I unscrewed the top of the red wine stick it through the wires on the mouth. I had a tooth that had been kicked out, and I would put it to the spot where there was no tooth through the wires. And I would suck on the red wine. And there was not more fun in alcohol. It was over. And what makes me think I can go out and have a pretty little drink and a pretty glass today? That's where I start if I'm lucky. That's were I start. And I don't ever want to forget. I get to drive by the steps of the liquor store that I sat on waiting for those people from alcoholics and I was to come get me every week. I get zu drive by there and look at those steps and remember how I felt because he said I had to leave, my instincts were off, but I depressed him and I called my mother in Iowa who didn't know whether her daughter was going to be okay or not because she had gotten a phone call from somebody who told her what had happened to me and didn't tell her what hospital I was in. So my sister in New York and my mother in Iowa spent two days on the phone calling until they found me and found out I was going to be okay. So when I called my mother three weeks later and I asked her for some help, all I wanted was $20. She says, Sharon, I can't help you anymore. Why don't you go to the Salvation Army? $20, you'd have another speaker. And I called that phone number that was there. Her name was Chris. Guess who? Her phone number was sitting there, and I called her. And she recognized alcoholism. And she said, you know, I can't help you, but Suzanne can. I didn't know that I was calling a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn'T put anything together. My God was working really fast. There was a moment, a tiny window of opportunity to get me to you because I was tired, I had no more answers, and there it was. And Chris said, Suzanne, well, you can call Suzanne. She'll help you. But I'm not going to give you the number if you don't call. And she started at about 80. I was like, I couldn't talk. Oh, call, call. you know and um so i called and suzanne said put your drink down and put your joint down i thought how does she know i have both you know read my mail instantly read my email isn't that funny how you're talking about like one of your babies we call them babies out there because they whine i talked to one of my babies she goes well how do you know it's like you forget i was there you know what's so funny and my son who thinks he's mr 13 year old manipulator you know, and I'll come at him with a truth, and he'll go, how do you do that? And I said, I am the master. Because I am the master, don't you forget that. But you know it's like she read my mail, and there I sat on the steps I was curious, I was interested, I wasn't tired I didn't know where to go, and these two beautiful California you know California girls got out of this Volkswagen and came and put me in the back seat of the car, and we went off to this church and I went, oh that's right I'm going to have to leave, they're going to ask me what I've done They're not going to want me to be around. The man at the door I thought was the minister or something, all dressed in a nice tie. He was the secretary. Our secretaries stand at the dorm and greet people, and they dress nice. And he was dressed in his suit and a tie. And I thought, he must be the minister. Behind him was a kitchen. And he put his hand out, and I swear, I knew, I saw it happen. I saw he was going to take my hand, put me in the kitchen, and say, gee, when you clean up, honey, we'll let you come out and sit with the rest of them. But for now, not yet. And he put his hand out, and he said, welcome. I'm not ready for welcome, I'll tell you. Nobody had said that to me in a while. It was go. It wasn't welcome. And I sat in the front. I don't know how they knew I was new. It was a Pacific Group meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I detoxed in the meeting. I hand-bathed in a While. I looked pretty darn bad, and they seemed really happy that I looked so beat up, you know? Oh, God, look at you. Maybe you'll make it. You know, I was like, what are you talking about? And some man handed me the 20 questions. I didn't know what they were. I just took this test. He looked like my grandfather. Okay. You know. My grandfather's another man I didn'T get to make amends to. I was too high on LSD the night he died. I couldn't go see him. And so he looked like Grandpa Wesley. So I thought, all right, I'll take this test." I passed with 17. He was so happy, you know. It's like... They shoved this book and wrote down my date in pencil. I thought about that one later, you know. Pencil. It's still written in pencil. And I was around for the second edition and people, you now, about a year into it the third edition came out and people would say go home and read page 449, you known? And I'd go home and read pages 449 and it was Joe's Woes. It's like it was not the Dr. Paul story which is in the third addition, you known? And so I for years I read Joe's woes thinking I'm missing the boat here. I'm too stupid for Alcoholics Anonymous. And Pete and I were talking about it today. If you're new, ask a lot of questions. Nothing's too stupid. But I just was so prideful. I went, I reached those lows. Something's on this page that's supposed to help me. Finally, when I got a third edition and I found it, I was like, oh, thank God, you know. But God forbid I'd ask anybody. So they wrote this thing in pencil, gave me this book. You know, I remember the guy who stood at the podium and he said he always waited for the spaceship to land and say, you can come home now, Bill. I knew he knew how I felt because I always looked at the Iowa skies for that mothership, always. In fact, that's why I stayed up so late last night and was watching Close Encounters again. And, you know, I know they're there, but, you Know, I was like, I identified. And what happened was that comment just fanned that little ember inside of me. Just gave it a little bit of fanning, you know? Just a little more light. And I had this picture of me at three months of sobriety and there's nobody home yet. I was really slow around here, and thank God I was in a group called the Pacific Group, which is very action-oriented. You know, such freedom in that. Such freedom in it. You mean I don't have to want to go speak on this panel? You mean you don't want to show up at the Alcathon at 3 in the morning? I just do it? You dress up, you show up, you try to have a good attitude, and you do it. You don't need to do it, but you don' t have to. Oh, thank God. I mean, it was like such freedom for me to find that out, because I sat around waiting to want to do things to do thing. and I never did a lot. I never wrote that symphony. I just thought about it a lot and I am very proactive in my life today but it started with Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a babe here with you, an absolute babe and it's so fun for me to sponsor people that don't know anything don't understand I don't even know how to say thank you I remember that. People would give me clothes, you know, and they gave me back my dignity in beautiful little ways. I mean, I remember Susie cleaned out her closet. She had really nice clothes. She worked at a law firm, and she'd say, You know what? These don't fit me anymore. Maybe they'll fit you. Here's a bag. You know, she'd just say, Well, I know you shop at the thrift store, and you could probably use something, so here. You know? She just said, I just cleaned out my closet, and I thought maybe these would fit you, They gave me black my dignity, and in beautiful, little ways, And there was a man named Chuck who, God, he was 30-some years sober in our group. He just died this year and a wonderful man. I remember sitting there one night. My job was wired for the first three months I was here. I couldn't talk. So that was a good mark for the old-timers, you know. They didn't have to see the TV screen about what I was thinking, you now. So, you kno, Chuck was a wonderful men. I had to learn to listen. And Chuck said to me, You know, you look tired, kid. How does he know? He said, why don't you stay with us for 30 days? And then he amended it. He said maybe you should stay with this for 90 days. You look really tired. And I was invited into Alcoholics Anonymous. And one night I was taking notes that people would give me change and they'd laugh. And I'd say, I have to go back to New Orleans to get my clothes. See, I had a feeling, you know. I had the feeling. I had to run. And, you now, he saw me writing down somebody giving me change. Oh, call your sponsor, kid. You know, give me a change or give me cigarettes or give a ride. And I write all this down. I had little spiral notebook. And he said, what are you doing? And so with my broken jaw, I tried to tell him what I'm doing. And he said, no, no. We don't want to be paid back like that. Just put that book away. What we want, someday you're going to have a job. Someday you're gonna have an extra 20 bucks to slip in that newcomer's purse. Someday, you'll be able to buy groceries for that family who needs it. That's the way we want to pay back. You give those rides to people home when they need it. Give it away. What freedom? God, I'm a scorekeeper. I am a score keeper. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, you can't keep score very long. Not if you're inside the middle of this program. Because it just gets... I have received so much more than I can ever, ever give back. And I hope I never sit on my laurels and think, oh, it's one in the morning, what are you calling me for? Unless it's my baby who needs to get a friend and I've been telling her to get her a friend. But, you know, get a friends! Call your friend at one in morning. We've talked eight times today, remember? But I hope I'm never too good to let somebody sit in my car who's detoxing and might vomit on my leather seats, you know. That was the deal with getting this car. It was okay, God, whatever, you now, and God gave me a nice car because my last one had 150,000 alcoholic miles on it running around the country and just died. So I got one, and I said, Okay, God whatever, and put him in there. You know, so far no vomit yet, but if it happens, it happens. you know and um i hope i'm never ever think that i have some sort of a place here because um i still check out the price of tequila when i walk down in the market you know i still kind of look at it you know there's an alcoholic part of me that it talks about in the big book it centers in the mind it centers and the mind and if i don't let you into air out my head if i don't work my steps and try to be right with god you know the mind gets real loud and the The mind gets down to a lot of negativity. And then pretty soon you don't understand because you don' t know. You don' te know. So I hope I always stay in the middle of this thing, the give and the take of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Lord's Prayer hanging on to two hands. I want to be a strong link here. I wantto be somebody you can count on. And I learned that by watching the people in the program. I watched. I waited for your trip up. I watched a long time. I had a sponsor that, God, let me just prove her wrong. Let me go do everything she asked me to do and be the perfect little baby in Alcoholics Anonymous today so I can call up at 5 o'clock and say, you were wrong. And it never happened. She would hang up the phone on me at 6 in the morning and say oh, I have the brain tumor, I'm dying. I knew I had this migraine headache for a long time. She'd say you die at work, we'll give you a great send off. Flowers say great things about you, you die home in bed, no funeral and she hung that phone up on me. Oh, she made me so mad, you know? She was, well, everybody laughs about Liz's laugh, but Janet was worse. Janet, quack, quck, quick, she looked like a duck, you know, and I thought, why do they get the sponsor that laughs like a Duck, you know? Dresses and hot pants and fuchsia and oh my gosh, she's fluorescent, you turn off the lights, I can still find my sponsor, you know? She was an incredible woman and But Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the people that have been stronger-willed than me. And I have been in that, okay, whatever, God. The only thing I've ever done perfectly in my 22 years and some months is stay sober. The rest of it I haven't. I haven'T done the rest of IT perfectly at all. I'm still in the learning curve here. And I had really an incredible fourth and fifth step with my sponsor. I had a great first, third step with my sponsor. You know, God became Beacon's moving van because she said pick something. I picked Beacons. Beaconstill rolls around the country. I'll be other places in the world and I'll see B-E-K-I-N-S. And I'll go, oh good, there's God. You know? I just feel better because I have to be reminded. I need to be reminded. I need hit my knees at night and I need too in the morning have... I'm not a great meditator. I don't know about you Peggy. I've got to talk to you Peggie. She's got the kind of head I've go but... I've got the kind of head she's got. That seems scarier. But, you know, I try to do 12 minutes, 12 steps, 12 minutes. You know, um, I have to do things like try to say the Lord's Prayer over and over again three times in a row without thinking of me. You know? The way I used to meditate was jog. Go on my treadmill. I mean, that's the way I could keep my mind quiet. But,you know,I've learned how to be still and know that there is God. You know?,I've,Ive learned howto do that. because I am concerned and alive and alert and aware about the members of Alcoholics Anonymous about my son about my parents I get to call my mom every Thanksgiving it's coming up and I get zu say Mom, how do you make a turkey without marijuana stuffing again? Annual call to my mother My father and I have been through a lot I went home at one year of sobriety introduced him to my new husband-to-be who was sober in the program who is still sober inthe program and he came to the wedding and saw all of you and bought the big book but I went home on one year of sobriety and it was just I said the words I told him what I was trying to do and he said he just wanted me to be happy and he wanted me to have a nice life and there was no real healing or love or whatever there were just some words said and it wasn't it was done it was a beginning and at five years of sobrietty Ginny became my sponsor and Ginny said what about that maybe you should your relationship with your dad would get better I thought how does she know my relationship isn't good with my dad what is she talking How do they know these things, you know? And they go to sponsor school somewhere. And she said, maybe you should call him up and ask him how much money you owe him. Well, I did it. And he had read the big book. He knew on page 79, it says most alcoholics owe money. He had run the calculator tape. And it was sitting there, ready for me to call. If Sharon gets to this part of this book, and she probably will if she stays sober, give her the bottom line if I'm not home. well my dad gave me the bottom line and it was like I was resentful again because it was too fast and too high and I told her so and she said she didn't care you know how sponsors are so loving about things call him up in two days and ask him if he'll accept your terms and we talked about terms and he accepted my terms and in two day's I called my father up and he excepted my terms and so I started out being the example of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous the only example my dad may ever see I mean they lay that on you like okay okay you know where's my marching orders you know it's like i don't want to fall down for alcoholics anonymous here and my dad got a check and my sponsor wanted more for me than i wanted for myself she said put a note in with that check he's got three other professional children what does he need my california aa stuff about she said do it anyway so the tiny note went with a check the tiny notebook with a check for i don' t know how many months and then maybe it would turn into a one-page letter and the one- page letter maybe turned into a hallmark card occasionally And picking out a Father's Day card got a little easier. It didn't have to be quite so generic, you know. And I would remember his birthday on time. And the phone calls to home got a Little Bit Easier. And he called me between Christmas and New Year's. It was about almost four years later. I'd say maybe shy about two and a half months of four years. My dad had gotten that check and that note without fail because I'm an example of alcoholics and economists. No matter if I believed in it or not, he got the end result of working the steps. And that made a difference to him. That consistency meant something to my dad. He's the man of that generation where you don't just say, I'm sorry and it's all okay. You show me. And he said, Merry Christmas. No more checks. Your debt is free and clear. But don't stop sending me your notes. And my dad and I got to walk into a brand new relationship. Now, where can you get that? I mean, where can you do that? I didn't believe in what I was doing. I didn' t think it would ever, ever heal anything up between me and my dad. But see, God is in there somewhere. God is in these steps somewhere. When I can get in the back seat and let God do the driving of my life, it's just, it's so much more enjoyable. You get to really enjoy the scenery much, much more. And last, I go home every Fourth of July. It's one of those holidays I hate in California. They just don't know how to do Americana out there. I've been there 22 and a half years, and you think, nope, nope. California is not for the Fourth of July. Come home to Iowa. It was a year ago. We had done the sparklers and the parade and apple pie, and it was one of those nights where the Milky Way is from stem to stern in the sky, and it's just one of Those Beautiful Iowa Nights with the Fireflies. I'm out there with my sparklers writing dirty words still. You know, it's like I'm still the rebel, you know. And probably my son is doing the same thing next to me. I don't know. But, you Know, and I'm sweeping up. Everybody's gone in the house, getting ready for bed. I'm sweepin' up all the masks from the sparklers and the little snake things and all that. And, you Now, my dad comes out and starts talkin' to me and it's Like, he starts to share with me about how hard it was gettin' through his surgeries. And I'm like, My dad is sharing with me right now. My dad Is kind of really talking from the heart to me right Now. And my first thought was, Gee, let's sponsor him. Let's give him some advice. Thank God my God is louder than my head when I am working my steps because my God says, shut up and listen. And my dad has been sharing with me ever since then. Something about making that amend is to help me stand up with the male population a little taller. Drop that victim cloak. Become one of many. And become one of God's kids. I want to tell you my marriage didn't last but eight years that's pretty good in AA, I think had a kid had my sponsor smoke pot so I got Clancy as a sponsor my husband decided he wanted the newcomer across the room I got this baby, I quit working here I am with my sponsor smoking pot Clancy decided to be my sponsor we thought we'd try it it was 12 years ago, we're still trying it and I was crazy I was 10 years sober, and my life was over. And I was so disappointed because, like I said to my friend Vince, don't you know I'm married for life? I'm buried for life. He said, Don't ever lose that quality. Another freedom. I am who I am. Nobody can take that away from me. And the newcomer in him got married and had a baby, and I'm like insane, and I'M sponsoring crazy people, and we're driving everywhere to speak, and I' m crying from the podiums, and I am getting loved in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am 4 in the morning writing inventories, sitting on the heater, hating God. God go away, God get away, I hate you God leave me alone, I'm going to the Paris and drink and God wouldn't leave God was within and God wouldn't lead and God was still louder than my head and after one year, one month and 18 days I walked through that door into a brand new view that was just in the hallway I've learned how to enjoy the hallways of life they're called growth find out why somebody else is in the doorway and talk to them a while sponsor some people, listen get out of yourself play some music, hang some art, it's just called growth you will get through the door if you stay sober and the view has never disappointed me each time I've walked into a new door into the mansion of my life it's been more beautiful than the room I just left every single time and I hope that never stops that love and that zest for Alcoholics Anonymous because I feel it is just absolutely climbing to the top of the mountain at the topoftheworlddontlookdowngrowwings and this nun I sponsored and I made my amends to the Catholic Church sponsoring Sheila but she brought me back into the fold and I made my amends and I found out that my God comes and goes wherever I am and it's about peace and love and it is about being part of the force for good it is not just about acting better than I feel it is also about suiting up and showing up it is all about saying I am going to be where I am when I am there I am responsible today that scares me sometimes but I am really in my heart more responsible than I am not there's that part of me that still has that backpack mentally packed but most of the time now I don't think about running because I've had step two work in my life, God has restored me to sanity by not taking, you know if it's so important at midnight wait until the sun comes up on it in the morning, I always tell my girls God I know he looks really good at 11 at night but see him for breakfast see what he looks like if it is that important wait just wait And so Al and this girl got married and had a baby, and my sponsor made me go to their baby's one-year party. And I started to like Jill, and she was really okay. And we took the kids' places, and I gave her the clothes my son grew out of. And I got to name my son Wesley after my grandfather, and I gotto go visit my grandfather's grave and introduce my son to him and close that circle and make it right. And, you know, she's my best friend today. When something good happens in my life, I call Jill. You know, and I hated this woman. I absolutely hated her. They've been divorced a few years, so it's easier to be her friend now. But nobody had a drink through any of this, and that's the joy. That's the Joy. And his new wife is Al-Anon. It seems to be working a long time now, so we're really happy about that. And we all work our programs, and we all come together when we have to for the children, and we do what's necessary to be responsible adults. And that amazes me. You know, when he had a heart attack a few years ago, and he was a young man, and it was my son's first communion day, and it Was just a big thing. And we went to see him, and my friend Cindy was reading him the big book, and he Was kind of out of it, but he Had started having leg cramps. So my son was spying with his dad, just, hi, Dad, how are you? And it's like cubes and all this. And I'm like looking at this man going, oh, my God, he might die. And I started freaking out. I started crying. I thought, what is this? We've made our mans. We've sat down. We've done things. And he had leg cramps. And I decided to call in the nurse and rub his leg cramp out. And it came over me. I felt peaceful because I was being of service. So no matter what goes on, as long as I'm of service, I am okay. I'm in God's light. And I've been with a man 10 years. He's sober in the program, and nobody moved in together. I'm still raising my son, building my career. He's doing the same. It's like no big hurry. We're having a great time. And I'm busy in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, my son and I got to go to New Zealand because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and just sitting up in that helicopter looking at these whales that we went out to look at and look at the joy on his face, I thought, man, AlcoholicsAnonymous. It was just the joy of God, the joy of life. And I don't know. I don' t know if he's going to need you or not. He's very directed. He wants to, you know, he's a very directed child. He has creative mind. But he knows, you know. I've been working a lot with some newcomers and, you now, the phone will ring before I walk out their door and it'll go, oh mom, it's so-and-so. He knows it's a ten minute half hour phone call, you kno? And we got in the car the other day and he said, oh, I hate to say this, Mom, but you're good at what you do. He likes to spot beacons, trucks, and we talk about God. But he also doesn't let me chase people down when they take my parking spot at Toys R Us, so maybe he's an Al-Anon. I don't know. During Christmas season, you know? Isn't that justified? I don'T know. But I want to let you know that I am not the same person that sat on the steps of that liquor store on August 20, 1975 with a broken heart and a broken spirit and broken jaw and broken shoes. I am God's kid from the tip of my hat to the tipofmytoes, and it's because of the 12 steps. It's becauseof coming to be with you in Cincinnati, meeting a lot of new friends, seeing a lotof old friends, having hope in my life. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. Nope. Freedom is the 12 steps of alcoholics and animists in a room just like this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.