The Compulsion for More and the Bitter Morass of Self-Pity – Kenny D.

About This Speaker Tape

A cardboard sheet behind a Seattle McDonald's served as the final resting place for Kenny D.'s sanity. He describes a desperate animal-like existence—barefoot with abscessed feet and track marks—driven by an overwhelming compulsion for more that blinded him to everything but the next fix. The turning point arrived not through a desire to be sober but through a total collapse of will and a fortuitous ride to a detox center in Everett.

Kenny traces his trajectory from a dirt car lot on Highway 99 where he first prayed and worked the steps to a life of unexpected abundance including raising a son who wasn't his own. He warns against the 'double life' of the sober person who stops doing the work noting that for some the distance they fell is the only measure of how rigorously they must now live.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Laughter: Kenny jokes about the desperation of ordering 'two more drinks' during a bartender's last call.
• 3:15 Kenny describes his 'bottom' living behind a McDonald's in Seattle.
• 7:20 Discussion of the Big Book and the 'hideous four horsemen' of terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair.
• 11:10 The moment of surrender: Walking into the B1 meeting barefoot and ashamed.
• 14:30 The logistics of the first detox in Everett and the 'game' of trying to escape detox.
• 17:45 Step 3: Kenny describes doing the Third Step prayer on a dirt car lot on Highway 99.
• 21:10 Step 9: The tension of smoking stolen cigarettes while hearing about amends for shoplifting.
• 26:40 Emotional account of making amends to his sister and the impact of his addiction on family.
• 31:15 The 'Lonesome Valley' metaphor and the necessity of personal spiritual experience.
• 36:20 The 'Garage' analogy regarding vision and intuition in recovery.
• 41:00 Discussion of the 'double life' and the risks of sobriety complacency.