The Chicken Sh*t Atheist and the Punchline of Higher Power – Russell S.

My name's Russell Spatz, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Russell. And I'm in my 46th year of sobriety. Ooh. Yeah, sounds like a long time, even if you say it fast. Unbelievable. Been around for a while. So tonight's the 11th step. I'm talking a little bit about the 11st step. I don't even see why we need it. I think that's what we ought to talk about. I'm doing my best to try to get kicked out of AA. You know, there's millions of people who have gotten sober in AA. Very few people have been kicked out nationally, crucified nationally. Crucified a guy 20 years ago, 2,000 years ago that worked for him. And I keep on trying to push that envelope. I've already got it pretty much down where I can get people to hate me. I mean, it's impossible to get everybody to like you. But let me tell you something. With alcoholics, it is fucking easy to get people to hate you. Let me tell You something. And so I keep on pushing that envelope because I am sure one day somebody can come down from New York and say, You know, Russ, we have been listening to those tapes of yours. And I think what we are going to do is we are gonna borrow you from every group in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that would actually be a great thing for me. the only person barred for it from aa for telling the truth you know there's a part in the big book did you guys know this um my sponsor used to say he said russ when a man with experience meets a man from money but man with money the man from experience will walk away with the money the men from the month with the many will walk with an experience you know you can read and study the bigbook a gazillion years you can learn how to do the steps perfectly which nobody does or even comes close to it because to do the steps perfectly would require to go to drastic areas that most alcoholics just can't surrender to they can't do it they can not there is that little defiant there is a little niggling thing in their brain saying don't tell me what to fucking do there's always that spot where you say well you like me yes we love you Russell oh we like me yeah Russell we love oh I love the way you're so direct you like be yeah we really love you well why don't you try this one on for fucking size and they say you don't know me what rights you think you have to say that to me i don't know it was just in the book it's just in a book i just i i didn't say that it was it was in a book it is that book you read you know that you say that you are 100% behind i just all i did was i took a yellow highlighter and i highlighted the thing in the book and now you are getting all pissed at me so that's the deal so we're on the 11th step which means we've gone through the step that the the third step that's where you turn your will and your life over to god is that is that it okay because i make he helps me because i've got see what happens is when you when you've been around for a long time and you've gone though and you your perception changes everybody in here i don't know whether i don' care whether you have three weeks three years 30 years you've all changed from where you were before now if i asked you have you changed you'd say yes of course i've changed if i say how much have you change some of you said i've changed tremendously if i said to you if you had 10 years and i said would you like to go back to when you had five years you'd see oh no way no way And if I asked you, how did the change happen? More than likely, if I put a gun to your head and I said, you give me the right answer or else I'm going to blow your brains out. If I said how did it happen, if you were going to be honest, you'd probably say, I don't know. You'd say, well, I read the book and I've been reading the book a lot and that's how I changed. Well, I had a good sponsor and he'd say that's not how I've changed. Some of you would be wise enough to say, I had a lot of shit happen to me in my life. And that helped me change a lot. You'd say a lot of shit, you know? I went through a step series with Russell Spasson and man, that fucking really roasted me. Changed me. I hate the son of a bitch now. But the truth is the truth is you know it's like a giant milkshake and everything that's happened to you, good, bad, indifferent went into the milkshake Somebody pushed a button, and here you are. And it's like a mixture. All you know is somehow something happened. And some people, as a matter of fact, most people, before they're 25 years sober will drink. Very, very few stay sober. Very few. and uh and the only reason i can say that is because i've been around for 46 you know i'm in my 40s so i can stay shit like that you could say that's not true and you'd be saying that you know based upon your 10 years or 15 years when you think but i'm telling you something you go to the next convention you go through the next intervention you go and you watch when they do the countdown you watch how many people stand up at one year and two years and five years and six years you watch what happens between 25 years and 40 or 50 years you could shoot deer in the place you're not going to hit anybody nobody's sober it's not because they all died you know and you'll go to meetings of your group and they'll say anybody have five years five people stand up everybody have six years two people everybody seven years nobody will stand up what happened those people that came in at seven years they just went to other groups or something because if the failure rate in aa and when i include failure rate i not only talk about drinking or drugging i'm talking about suicides i'm talked about the bill wilson stuff on the next frontier where you uh get all strung out and you're you're not happy with this right here and there once in a while form a drink that says feel better look better having better time we laugh at that that crap we know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety soon he will know loneliness is for you to do he'll be at the jumping off place that's what bill wilson wrote and when he had three and a half years at 23 years he was right there you know and uh so if you include all the people that are suicidal or depressed and all sort of of stuff for 20 years after doing all the steps and everything. All the people that have drank again 20 years or 15 years or something like that and you start adding up everybody who has not made it in AA, has not been rocketed in the foot. You know, listen all you got to do is accept the great fact. You don't know what the great fact is, don't you? It says God's got to be the central factor of your life. What does that mean? Well Russell, you got your program i got my program i had one guy say you know i heard you're a good speaker but you talk too much about god well if god's gonna be central factor of your life how do you talk too much about fucking god how doyou talk too m uch about god if he's the central factor your life maybe the problem is we don't talk enough about god i'm just saying shit you know what i mean and you have to be convinced you know what convince means that means you're convinced what's that syndrome they have we've been talking about with trump what's the trump trump derangement syndrome you know you've heard about that you seen around well let's say if you have if you're convinced that god lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous doing for you what you cannot possibly do for yourself If you're convinced of that, maybe you get something called God's arrangement syndrome. Maybe you get Jesus' arrangement syndrome, syndrome. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a great one. Maybe God becomes so important to you, it's more important than what you think. It's more importan than what give a shit whether other people like you or not. Maybe you got so crazy about God, so strung out about God. So grateful to God. maybe it gets so unbelievable that you can only think about them, talk about them and all you want to do is tell other people about it tell other people what happened to you and tell everybody about it then you go into an A room and they beat the shit out of you I'm just talking if you're new don't even listen to me this is not for you I'm probably wrong but I'm jut saying if what they're saying there is not bullshit, if it's true then that's sort of like what you'd be. You'd say oh yeah that Russell guy he's fucking got God derangement system I can't handle that stuff. People walk out of the room as soon as I start talking about it they walk out of their room because I'm not talking AA I'm talking something called Founders AA so So imagine that. So why do we even need the 11th step? You know, you got the third step. I did that. I got down on my knees. I said the third-step prayer. I got up. It says you have now completed the third step. And it says the one evidence you had, no, that you completed the first step, you just did the fourth step. I did the fifth step. I did it. I did a fourth step to the fourth step. So why don't I need the eleventh step? I mean, really, why do you even need it? You know there's way too much God in this program. You know that's what Bill Wilson said to Henrietta Seidelink. I mean, right after he turned his life over to God and after he gave his life to God and after the God stuff, about six months later he said, I think we talk too much about God and other people because somebody in New York laughed at him or something. And so when they laughed at them, he felt bad and he went to Henry LeSiberlin and he says, I think you're wrong. I think that's why I think we talk about God too much about God and religion And Henrietta said to him, he said, Bill, the only reason you're sober is because of God. Because if you don't talk about God, you might as well be the Rotary Club. And so after arguing with him a little while, finally Bill agreed. But that's when, you've got to understand, between 1935 and 1939, that's When you couldn't go to a meeting unless you got on your knees and gave yourself to God. That was when, by the hospital bed, you had to give yourself to die. that's when the books they found absolutely essential to read were first corinthians 13 sermon on the mountain and book of james that's one dr bob says first things first meant seek you first the kingdom of god and his righteousness and all things will be added unto you that's what dr bob if you went up to him said what's this all about he'd say read the bible that's where the whole thing had just come out of the oxford group and it was all biblically based and and and you know that part where it says really i've seen persville is thoroughly followed our path thoroughly followed our pad and the only thing they were doing is reading the bible and things based on the bible which probably accounts for why they had things in there like we were reborn or the good samaritan that's like not an accident you know what i mean i know you think that bill wilson invented that's not an accent it's all about the bible at the king's the kings group you know that's probably why the first meeting of alcoholics synonymous was Dr. Bob putting his foot on the rung of a dining room chair and reading the Sermon on the Mount Matthew 5, 6 and 7 you know that thing that says trust not the things of this world do not love the things of this worldview not focus on the things of this world but fix your eyes upon heavenly things because where your focus is is where your heart is that's what they were doing and that so when the book says that bill wilson wrote rarely have a senior person failed who has thoroughly followed our path they meant um reading non-conference approved material i'm just saying you know it's just an a meeting nobody's gonna die you know what i'm talking about it's no big shit you know what i mean that's when they were reading non conference approved material it was just God approved material it was non-conference approved actually there is no non-Conference approved material because if there was they probably would have banned the Bible there's no I'll put it this way, there's not conference disapproved material you know why the Bible's not disapproving by AA because half the fellowship would walk out of AA. And they'd go to the meetings I go to, which talk about the Bible. And AA would fold up, which is probably what's happening anyway. It's probably going to happen in about 100 years or something. The Washingtonians took about 100 year to dissolve or 50 years to dissolve. That's what alcoholics do. They get a hold of something and they screw it up because you know some? Because they want to be comfortable. They don't want to do drastic stuff. I'm just saying. Listen, this is just my opinion i'm probably wrong but i've seen a lot you know it's like the farmer's commercial i know a lot because i've seeing a lot of people drink after 10 15 20 years seen a lot of i've a lot angry alcoholics i know because i get them angry oh by the way you know this is spiritual action whenever you're disturbing no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you so if i'm disturbing you you actually owe me a thank you because i don't have a spiritual mri on you you know you gotta you gotta write me down Russell. He talked about God. I think he mentioned Jesus. You know, it's bothering me. He can't tell me what to do. You put it all down and then you disregard that and you say, well, where was I to blame? And you talk about being close-minded. We didn't see where religious people are right and blah, blah, blah. Then you make the list again. You go up to your sponsor and then 10 years from now you come up to me and say I used to hate you but now I love you. You know? Stuff like that. So why do we need the 11th step? Then you get the 6th step. The 6th steps. The step that separates out the men from the boys now i gotta tell you something since we've already gone through six step now i understand there's people that haven't done the sixth step yet as a matter of fact as far as i'm concerned nobody 90 percent of the people not nine percent of people never do the sixth up ever i just say shit to piss people off so so you can remember it and i'll tell you why i say that because according to the big book the thing that separates out the children the spiritual kindergarten from the NFL players the real deal the serious people is if you're doing the sixth step what the book says according to a well-loved clergyman he wasn't an alcoholic but apparently he was loved is the person who can claim to be doing the sixth up is trying repeatedly to throw at any obstacle whatsoever that keeps him from growing in the image and likeness of God. So you don't have a God who you understand, who you know. I'm not talking about I believe in God. That's just bullshit. That's the concept. You're saying I believe In the concept of God? Okay, well, tell me, do you believe God? And they say, what do you mean? Well, you say you believe In The concept. I understand the concept, concept, you know, concept like the light, the moon, the thing, whatever it is, but you believe God. He says, I don't know what you're talking about. He said, you don't know what I'm talking about because you have no God. You're just a chicken shit atheist and agnostic. You are just a guy who God is a punchline for you. You say the Lord's prayer, you hold hands, but the bottom line is you are very careful to make sure you don't offend anybody or you don' t talk about God because you know something really isn't essential after your life. You' re perfectly comfortable with keeping the same God you had when you walked through the doors of AA, which was some sort of imaginary thing that allows you to fuck around on your wife or lust after women. But just be the same person you were before you came to AA, except you don't drink, you just drink coffee. And so when somebody says, do you believe in God? You say, I believe in god. You know. And they say the Ten Commandments, I don't believe in that. No, that's for you. That's your deal. That's not my deal. You know? What about this rule or that rule? That's yours. Do my deal." You want to make sure that whatever you believe in at the time is flexible. You just want to be flexible. You want it to be tolerant. You know what I mean? You know, you don't want to grow because that's like perfection. And, you know, let's face it. In AA, we know one thing. We're not... What is it? We're Not Perfect or something? We're... progress not perfection you know that can cover up a lot of let me tell you something cover up water stuff you know so why do we need it so why don't we need the like we got the we got the sixth step so i assume and this is my assumption that when i get to the 11th step you understand what i'm saying i assume you guys have been through all the steps right you got them there you've got the six steps seven seven you know i mean there's a few people that are brand new so i i'm gonna talk to you like you're adults because I know this group is more you're spiritual not religious I know you're a spiritual so I can talk to you like adults so why do you need the 11th step what does the 11 step add to anything you've already turned your will and your life over to God you're satisfied with that now of course you've turned your will and life over for God but we won't tell anybody that you spend your entire life looking at your bank account looking at women, looking at men thinking about yourself, thinking about you waking on the scale, buying cosmetics going for plastic surgery, watching TV we won't tell everybody that your entire life is devoted to be dependent upon all this shit in the world and God is something you talk about maybe for five seconds at any meeting as long as they don't talk too much about it and then you say, you know, that was a crappy meeting they talked too much About God well it allows you to bullshit yourself to think that you're really doing this thing so i mean so i mean really why do you even need the uh 11 stones so let me just throw some out to you i want you to think about this i'm you know there's part of me that says don't explain it to them just tell them stuff just tell them facts and let them figure it out and there's another part of meat we'll call it the evil part That wants to hit it with a hammer and just followed him. If you read the big book, and I'm just going to say if you read the Bible, because the Bible is the big books of the Bible. You don't have to know that. If you know the Bible backwards and forwards or you really know it well or you really lived your life with the Bible and you lived your live with the bigbook, you see what I'm talking about. If you haven't done that, it sounds like old bullshit and I understand that. So I'll just sort of talk about the big one. There's a theme in the big book there's a theme, a simple theme in the Big Book which could be said in one paragraph and there is a theme in the book about the people that don't make it and don't get it at all that can be said in less than a paragraph and I want to tell you something Every page of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says there's only two themes. This is who's going to make it and who's not going to making it. And the problem is they say it 50 different ways. And so in a weird sense, it's sort of confusing. The other reason it's confusing, although I think the Big book is incredible because I'm here because of the big book in 12 and 12, is because Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. Fortunately or unfortunately, he was an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic like me. I'm like a Bill Wilson alcohole, so I can't put him down. He was a alcoholic that wanted this thing more than anything else and his heart was right, but he also wanted people to like him. And he knew that everybody that walked in today hated church. And you know that most people that maybe they didn't hate church, Everybody walks in today, what do they all say? 90% of people says, I had a problem with the God thing. I had problem with God thing, well, when you're a fuck-up your entire life and you've left your wife and you screwed up on her and you did all this sort of stuff, you know what I mean? You're going to walk in here and say, I have a problem of the concept of God because if you have ever been touched by anybody that had to do with God, even good people, you know what I mean, so let alone bad people, the bad salesmen, you now what I and you live an alcoholic life, trust me you're going to have a problem with God you know you're getting it all back in your head you shouldn't have done that, you shouldn'T have done this, I'm a piece of crap, because you're already having conversations with yourself I'm such a piece of shit, I ought to tell myself, I'M never going to be okay I'M SUCH A FUCKUP, I'LL NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT AND THOSE CONVERSATIONS WILL LAST BY THE WAY UNTIL YOUR 20, 25, 30 YEARS sobriety. You can have those conversations at 15 years of sobrieting. You know, if you're honest with yourself, you still have those conversations. 10 years sober, you'll still have those conversation. You're still telling yourself you don't deserve this and you're a piece of shit. So no wonder you get mad at somebody when they talk about God. I mean, you know what? But why do we need the 11th step? Really? I mean... So here, let me just tell you a couple things that sort of... Bill Wilson spelled it out, but he didn't even he didn't even understand what he was saying because if he understood what he was saying if he under stood what he were saying he wouldn't have wound up with 23 years sober sucking on the muzzle of a gun I didn't really even understand it for years so let me just give you some quotes from Bill Wilson he says you could check me a check on me with this and this is not only Bill Wilson this is every person in alcoholics anonymous whether you believe it or not you don't have to believe me you can say well that's your that's you not me i'm different and say whatever but we're all the same same disease same exact disease same same disease same cure same deal so this is bill wilson's disease he's describing his disease he's in there he's dead he can't get sober he's powerless he has no power He says, if there is a God, show himself to me. The room lights up. A spiritual wind blows through the room, you know? And I don't really give a shit whether he was on some sort of hallucinogen or not or whatever. This is his story. This is Bill Wilson's story. You either believe it or not. And he believed it so strongly enough, he put it in the book. So don't tell me it isn't. And that's the guy you worship, you now? And I said, so this is the God of the prophets talking about the Bible. And then he stops drinking. It's like a changed man. They visit a guy named Bob Dotson in the hospital. The guy's wearing one of those funny T-shirts. I've actually got those T- shirts at home. That's how old I am. He's laying on the bed and they have a portrait of him in every room. Him and Dr. Bob with the Bible opened up With the Bible open up Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path The path was reading the Bible And they're talking to Bob Dotson And by the way that painting is called Came to Believe Believe in what? Believe in you Believe in You ought to ask yourself Why don't you ask yourself what you believe in Because if you can't tell yourself Exactly who you believe In You're going to have a problem down the road because you're supposed to grow in the image and likeness of God. And if you don't have any image and like, if it's, if you have an ambiguous, the last thing an alcoholic wants with an alcoholic brain, because I don't know what you know this, we're delusional. You know what that means? It means you can't separate the truth from the false. Your alcoholic life and your alcoholic thinking seems normal to you. And it's fucking insane. Do you really want your brain to decide who God is? I mean maybe you haven't been living long enough with your brain maybe you haven't had any experiences with your thinking the grouch and the brainstorm you really want to rely on your brain to figure out who your God is well you got your God, you got my God well good luck to you so when you're 19 years sober and you're suicidal and you are not feeling well and you try to figure OUT what the problem is because you've done all the steps and you're sponsoring people, which is actually like a Band-Aid. It's keeping you sober. It'll keep you sober, but you're not happy about your sobriety. You haven't been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You haven'T experienced heaven. You don'T know any peace. And you're still worried about what people think about you and you still have anxiety. But you can't understand what's going on because you did the A thing and it's not working. Maybe you didn't do the A. Maybe that's what happened to Bill Wilson. He didn't even follow his own. I don't know. So I'm just saying. So Bill Wilson, they sober up Bob Dotson. And Bob Datson writes something in the book, and this is what he writes. He says he was sober, but he knew there was something more. Something I haven't – this is an alcoholic synonym – something I haven'T got. Something I HAVEN'T got, I knew there WAS something more, and then one day Bill Wilson – something that I thought a person ought to have. Then one day, Bill Wilson comes to his house, they're eating the tuna fish sandwich with his wife henrietta and you can it's not false number three i added the tuna sandwich thing it's done in there that has nothing to do with the point but it could have been a tuna fish sandwiches it doesn't make the point any less but um but if you're an alcoholic you can use that to just throw out my entire theory here he says i was trying to find the answer and then bill wilson said to my wife he wasn't even talking to dachshund he was talking about his wife henrietta sometimes you get things you're not even there you hear somebody talk to somebody else and you say holy shit that's what he says henriette this is bill wilsom this is Bill Wilson right after the spiritual of strands, and all of a sudden he says, the Lord. By the way, do you guys have any idea who he was talking about? Jesus? Who said Jesus? So fucking brilliant. Now, you don't have to believe in Jesus. You don't even have to believe in Jesus, I'm saying. I'm just asking you this question. When Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, who do you think he was thinking about? Buddha? Apparently nobody was there to say, well, the conference says that's not approved. I'm just saying. It's been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I have to, you know, are you ready for this? This is not a complicated sentence. This is like my wife throwing me out. You remember when my wife tossed me out of the house? 12 words? If you come home drunk one more time, i am leaving you 12 words i got in my car i drove away got to the first slide i was as sober as i am right now division chief of the state's attorney's office trying murder cases pretty bright guy i stop at the light and i say what the hell did she mean by that and and i started realizing that with alcoholics with alcoholists whenever they hear something or are told something they don't like, it confuses them. So this may confuse you. Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, which is not drinking. Drinking is only a symptom. The real disease centers in your mind. You know, the thing you're using to figure out who God is? My mind, not my body. So he says, the Lord's been so wonderfully cure me I got to keep this stuff simple because I'm 76, I got dementia and everything like that. Well, I mean, you think it's funny. You know, I don't know who's crazier, me or the people that are actually listening to me. But in any event, here's the deal. Here's the thing. Here's what's the big deal. I take disease serious. I don'T take myself serious. So this is what he says. He says, The Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about him and telling other people about him. you understand what I'm saying talking about the Lord and telling other people about the Lord and then you ready for this Dotson says I think I've got the answer now if you're a true alcoholic that sort of shit will confuse you it sounds good but you're confused okay he says Bill was very very grateful for what the Lord had done for him and so he wants to tell everybody about it and what the Lord and by the way if you're still confused later on in the book he says we never apologize for faith all men and women of faith have courage they trust their God instead they let him demonstrate through our testimony what he has done for them and then at once we begin to outgrow fear and if you are still scared and you're still anxious, it's because you have an outgrown fear. And if you have an outgrow fear, it's because you're an agnostic. You're a chicken shit atheist. I'm just saying shit. I would ignore that. Put that on a shelf somewhere. You know what I mean? You're just an atheist. And you know what the book says? Atheism, agnosticism, this sort of thing has to be abandoned. you know what dr bob said he said if you're an atheist and agnostic of some sort of spiritual pride that keeps you from understanding what we're trying to tell you here i feel sorry for you your heavenly father will never let you down the heavenly father right out of the bible has never let me down i'm just saying in the big is it what does it say in a big book burn the idea into every alcohol's mind he gets sober no matter what he says don't let any alcohol says i i'll get sober if i get my wife back you know my job back the money back bullshit they don't say bullshit i said bullshit it's they say nonsense but you know they meant bullshit you can always you can you know with god all things are possible you know the bottom line is that's what they say all then you just trust god and clean house so if you're just not trusting gods because you don't believe in god you believe in the concept of god you say you believe in God, but you know you're just doing what all alcoholics do. Lying to yourself. You don't really believe in god. That's why you check your bank account. That's how you look at everything. Do I have a wife or I don't have a wife? Do I not have a girlfriend? Am I getting laid or am I not getting laid? What does the scale say about me? Am i gaining weight? Am losing weight? Do I look good? Am handsome? What kind of car am I driving? That's all you do is think about the shit in this world. And you know that's all you do. and once in a while you go to an A meeting and somebody will mention God or if they mention more than once you leave that meeting so why do we need the 11th step I mean what does it add all it says is what does it say through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God it doesn't say unconscious no conscious conscious, actually thinking about God. Improve our thinking about God, right? Our conscious contact about God Well why can't we just keep God the way he was when we had like three months Why don't we learn how to do the fourth step and the fifth step and all those stupid steps and everything and just keep god like in a little you know, like a little, in the glove compartment of our car when we go to Amy's We'll just use the same god we had at three months maybe the same God we had six years, why do we have to improve it why do we have does the sixth step require well the sixth set does say we have to get rid of everything that stands in the way of our growing in the image and likeness of God but let's say you have no image or likeness of God let's see you have nothing to look at that is sheer, incredible perfection so that you know and have a clear understanding of who and what God is and what he wants you to be so you know what you're aiming for. I think that's what happens with good sponsors. I mean, there's nobody, certainly not me, that's perfect. We're all screwed up. I mean listen, I use curse words and stuff. That's not a godly man. You know what it is? But you know the truth is why do we get sponsors? We get sponsors because we see something then we want what they have and we're willing to go to any lake to get it. And so when my sponsor says to me, Russ, why don't you stop complaining and shut up? I stop complaining, shut up. When he hears me gossiping, he says, Russell, this is Al Povston. Obviously, we don't talk about other people behind their back. If you don't have something nice to say about somebody, why don'T you just shut the hell up? And you start learning about your sponsor. And that's our first, in a sense, it's our First God, right? but they're not perfect you know so what happens when you're 76 years old and all your heroes in a are dead what are you doing all your heroes that look up for two or dead where do you who do you look to for perfection who do you look too where's the measuring stick where is the measuring stick where you can look up to and say man i'm not even close who's the one you can get down on your knees and say lord help me i'mnot even close you know help me to be like you where's the measuring stick where is he where's that god you know and you know i don't know where is the measurements well i was lucky i had some great sponsors great sponsors and so by the time they all passed away and I have one now they gave me another they gave you the best sponsor and I have a sponsor, I can call them up if I want to but the thing is my sponsor and I have the same spiritual sponsor we looked at the same deal yeah, if I called my sponsor he's going to talk to me about the Lord and the Bible and stuff like that We're going to talk to you. We've got the same sponsor. Perfect, perfect, perfect. It's a bigger book about him. It's huge. Written over 1,500 years by 44 different men. 66 different books. Tells you everything you need to know. That's where they have the Sermon on the Mount. So Bill Wilson, after he said, The Lord has been so wonderful to me. He told me it was a terrible disease I've got to talk about and tell other people. a month later he was going to Henrietta Simon saying we talk too much about God and a month after that he wrote in the big book the following this is what he wrote now listen to this but soon worldly clamors this is one of those sentences that might confuse you but soon worldly clamores mostly within myself blocked out his presence and then he says something about something I'm going to get this wrong and so that's how it has been how blind I was and you know what he said you know who he meant as much as he experienced God he wanted God he wanted to talk about God as soon as he got back into the world he wasn't strong enough wasn't strong enough to sustain himself through the world the world killed him you'd hear about God every once in a while but he was doing 24-7 in the world the bank accounts the women, the stuff in the word and you know what the world has a tendency to do? it blocks out God's presence So now you're sober and you go to all your AA parties and everybody's slapping each other and you're picking up medallions and you give lip service to God. He's like a punchline. And you think you're okay as you go out there and you suck your thumb about your bank account and your weight and the car you're driving and all that other crap, you know what I mean? And what you don't ever see, what you never see, you almost accept, just like you accepted your drinking, you accept the anxiety you accept the fear you accept the resentment you accept the anger well that's just my personality that's the way life is nobody's perfect it's progress not perfection and you don't see that all that stuff that you're worried about that's going on in you because you're focusing on the world because you are focusing on the world is wiping out his presence and you're not living a godly life. And you're not hanging around with people that are talking about God. And you think you are because you go into AA meetings but they're not talking about god. As a matter of fact, if you talk about god, you might get slammed. If you really get if you do this kind of talk, you know what I mean? The kind of talked that I'm doing. And you notice that things are, you notice some things are not happening to you. You just sort of accept this is the way AA is and this is how life has to be until maybe you run into something or somebody who's doing it a little bit differently. and that's what I see happening. One of the things that happens when you get to a certain age is you get people that come up to you that have 20 years, 25 years, 30 years, 35 years sobriety, and they're not happy. It's one thing when you've got a guy with three years, but you'll do another four-step, do this, do that, sponsor more people. You have a sponsor. You can sort of handle that with the tools of AA. You've got guys who have been doing all that stuff, and he's got 25 years and he still got his head up his ass and everything like that. And you ask, you know what the problem is before you get into it. You know that he's perfect as far as current AA says you're perfect. But you realize he's not perfect. He's got no relationship with God. And he doesn't even understand. He's confused. He doesn't know what you're talking about because he says the serenity prayer. He holds hands. You know what I mean? He says serenite prayer. He says the Lord's prayer. He does all that. He says, yeah, I believe in God. But ultimately what you realize is he hasn't surrendered his whole life to God. God's not the most important thing in his life. He's basically put God on a shelf somewhere that he's satisfied that's all he needs. And now it's just don't drink and go to meetings. And, you know, everybody knows that intensive work with alcoholics will stop from drinking. And what this program really is about is just don' t drink and you'll be fine. and you know something the worst thing an alcohol can do I shouldn't say it's the worst things but one of the things that dooms alcoholics is not drinking and not having a God that he totally believes in understands and wants to share with other people a God that he doesn't worship we'll worship cars we'll worship our genitals we'll worship money we'll worship this world how can you not it's in the TV it's in the TikToks it's in the thingamajigs these things right here how did you not worship them they're all over the place you know it's like incredible and then you know now if you read the Bible the Bible is in a weird sense I hate to get this it's like me they don't have the F works. Well, there is some curse words. I'm not going to go into that. The Apostle Paul said I counted all the shit. I am not even going into that but the Bible is sort of like me. You know why? Because it's direct. That's why people don't like the Bible because it's direct. It says things like in John says do not love the things of this world the lusts of your heart. They are not from the Father. They're from the world. They will not last. The Bible says, seek ye first the kingdom of God. The Bible talks about making God. He says, we die each day for the Lord. We die each night. You put him before everything, before your father, before your mother. My father's dying. He says let the dead bury the dead. You're not worthy. The Bible is like really drastic and direct. But the big book says things like God must become the central fact of our lives. God is everything or he's nothing. What's your decision going to be? What do you think they meant by that? That's a stumper, you know what I mean? How about this one? Half measures avail us nothing. You mean not even 50%? Nothing! That's pretty confusing. What does that mean, half measures avails us nothing? We stood at the turning point. We asked his question. We stood as a turner. What happens when you're standing at the turning point and you don't turn? No man in the middle of the road gets hit by both sides. Maybe if you stand at the turning point And you don't turn Maybe that's what the definition of agnostic should be Because isn't that what an agnestic is? Somebody who doesn't say there isn't a God Doesn't say There is a God He says well I'll just sort of stand here in the middle of the road And say well who knows You know what it is Maybe you're just A chicken shit atheist Wondering why the program's not working for you I'm not talking about you guys I can tell you guys are spiritually excelled in this thing. I get it, you know? I understand. I'm talking about if you should run into somebody who's having problems and they seem to be working the program and they don't know what it's about, maybe it is the God thing, you Know? I can promise you this. All this stuff I'm telling you right now, the way I'm Telling It To You, it didn't become abundantly clear to me until maybe I had 30 years. I mean, I could probably I'm not saying it wasn't sort of clear to me I'm just saying I'm sorry, I'm not saying they didn't improve listen, I started going to Bible study because they told me to do it when I had 10 years I started developing a real relationship with a God not only am I understanding a God I believed in and I understood a God that I understood how about this? how about a God that you understood where if you came up to somebody and you said blah blah blah blah they say where'd you find what what told you you could do that where did you read that didn't you ever read this what about this one russ what about this where it says this and that and the other thing you know i i started believing in a god that was clear wasn't a vague god where people can call me on it you know what i mean and say you know you know it wasn't i i couldn't i could no longer push people by way you know if it's so easy to push somebody away when they criticize you by saying well that's that's your program that's not my program oh well that sure god that's something i got you know don't push your god don't take my inventory it's so easy to live in your own stupid, insane head by just telling people, well, you're not allowed to take my inventory. You know? That's your brain, not my brain. And then you could be a god in and of yourself. When you have a book that says, number one, we had to quit playing God. What do you think that means? Oh, that's a confusing thing, isn't it? That's confusing. so what I discovered and so then you ask yourself by the way just offhand I know I can get a little obnoxious right? you're obnoxous for God I get a bit strident a little crazy so how many meetings have you gone to since you've been sober that sound like this not too many why do you think that is given what they say in the big book why do you think that is you gotta think about that you think it's because you think it's because i'm not sober or i don't know what i'm talking about or you think it's because i don't understand the big book or i'm not quite getting it or you know he really didn't understand the program why do you think that is why do you think every meeting you go to isn't like this. You have to think about it. Thank you. That's all I have to say.