The Chapter to the Agnostic That Says This Thinking Has to Be Abandoned – Russell

Hey, how y'all doing? I like this thing, this fedora, yeah. I never get a chance to wear it. My name is Russell Spatz, I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics in Office and I haven't found necessary to take a drink since January 25th, 1981, and for that I'm very grateful and I'm privileged to be here tonight and asked to share a little bit of my experience regarding these steps for the middle of the step series. And my wonderful, beautiful lady friends there were arguing whether I'm on step eight or step nine. And well, technically, I'm instead of step eight. I'm just going to say step eight so we can count these things. But it'll probably be a one size fits all thing. Who knows where I'm going with this? And we'll hopefully touch upon the eighth step at some point during this deal. You know? Do you ever, you know what I like about guys that have been around? You know, they say if you want what we have. And I wouldn't go to any length to get it. So over a period of time, whether I knew it or not, looking back on it, I now realize that some things are clearer as you're looking back at it. Now, I've been around, I'm a little over 32 years sober. and things, patterns that I didn't even notice things that I don't even see stuff that I even read in the big book that really didn't make any sense you know, just words words on a wall after 32 years of working it and watching other people's work in it having people succeed having people fail seeing how people do all of a sudden things start making sense words that start making since because it becomes part of your life You see this stuff and you notice it in yourself. And one of the things I noticed, like for instance, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly fallen off his head and says, if you want what we have, it's like a statement, right? Now looking back over 32 years, I pretty much lived a life following guys and gals, but for me the most part guys, who had something I wanted. My life, whether I was five years sober, one year sober, ten years sober even now, 32 years sober pretty much is still in the pattern of having men in front of me that have 57 years 60 years, I'm 64 guys that are 84, you know what I mean? in front of me that I follow around and I listen to. Which when I think about it, that's the way I was when I had one year. That's theway I waswhen I had five years. That'stheway I have. I was never an individual who was without men to follow. I never really thought of it that way, but after 30 years looking back, I am a man who is constantly following other men because I wanted what they had. I, you know, I guess after a while I spent so much time noticing and I don't say this in a prideful way at all that I sponsored a lot of people because, well, the guys I followed they sponsored a Lotta People and they helped a Lot of People so I sponsored A Lotta people and when you sponsor people you sometimes concentrate on the guys that seem to be following you you know? So you say, well, there's a lot of guys following you. You know what I mean? But then you're trying to help a lot of people, okay? But at the same time, you realize they may be following you, but you're following some other guy. And all of a sudden, these words, they start becoming concrete. They're not just words. Rarely have we seen a person tell who's thoroughly followed a path. If you want what we have and you're willing to go, there's an we. As a matter of fact, there's this step before the steps that says if you want what we do, if you have what we are and are willing to get it, that you're willing to take, then you're ready to take certain... You're not even ready unless you have a we. You're nicht even ready unless you see some man, woman or group of men and women in here who say, I don't know what that guy has but I'd like to have his deal. I'd love to follow that guy. I'd to know what that guy's all about. Because otherwise you're just sort of following yourself and I don' t know what kind of disease you have but mine centers in my brain. And I'm not really good when I start following... I rationalize a lot. I tell myself a lot of rational lies. And I get into trouble. I've never hated somebody that didn't deserve to be hated. I never got in any jam where it wasn't somebody else's fault. I was never to blame. There was somebody always to blame, and the story of my life is they just don't understand and they never will. You know, I mean, I'm an if-only-er, a yes-butter. You don't know who you're dealing with. Who the hell do you think you are? you'll be sorry for this, I'm a self-pityaholic, I'm all that stuff and a thousand things more. You know where they say men and women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol because they are restless, irritable, discontented unless they can't again experience sense of ease and comfort when it comes at once by taking a few drinks? I'm the guy who drank for the effect because I wanted a sense of peace and comfort because I was restless, irritated, disconsolate and guess what? I didn't even know I was reckless, irritate, discondent. You know, I didn't say I'm restless, irritable, and discontent. I just said, I need a flippin' drink. I didn'T know that's the same thing as being restless, irritable and discondent. That was the story of my life. You know? Money with money, without money, with the girl, without the girl. I was just one step away from I need to drink. Because she showed up on time. She didn't show up on times. I had a date. I didn' t have a date You know what I mean? I had money. I didn''t have money. Whatever. Life. Life drove me crazy. You know, whatever insulation the Lord gives regular people so they can withstand traffic, you know what I mean? And the news and billboards and stuff, you know, apparently when I was going down the assembly line, you know, and they were handing out that insulation, somebody said, hey God, and he looked up and I just went by, you know what I mean, and I didn't get that deal, you No, I didn't get it. You know, screwed from the beginning, you know what I mean? And sure, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. Story of my wife laughing at me, humiliated. So you ever ask yourself things like that? So what I noticed is these we, they sound like the we that I was following after a while. You know alcoholics are sort of not that bright. I mean, you know, I was bright on tests. I did well in school. But the truth of the matter is we're really not that bright in a lot of other things. Sometimes we take a lot off. You know how they say in the 12 and 12, we get a new perspective. I'm one of these guys, I've got to tell you something. I don't trust my brain anymore because when I was trusting my brain, I wasn't doing too well. When I started trusting the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 of 12 and what they were telling me in here, I started doing better. So the truthofthematter is I've sort of like come to the decision that I rely on the material more than I rely on my own thinking. I rely so much on the big book and the 12 and 12 and I assume that it's right, I've really pretty much stopped thinking. I don't have to think anymore. All I have to do is memorize the big books and memorize the 12 and 12 to know what's going on because when I start thinking I always get into a jam. You know, and so what happens is I sort of watch what's going on in my own brain and, you know, how I deal with things. And I don't know about you. Did you ever – what I've noticed about these old-timers, these guys that have been around for a while, is they all – they may look different. Some may be fat. Some may being thin. Some may come from the south. Some may become from the north. Some may have law degrees or doctorates. Some may, you never – didn't graduate third grade. And they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. But they all had certain things in common. They had common characteristics. I'm going to tell you just a few of the characteristics I noticed about these guys that I did not have. And one of the characters and one of my characteristics I noticed about these guy is that they were for the most part undisturbable. Anybody here ever go to outlaw synonymous meetings? You ever go into discussion meetings? You go to a lot of outlaw Synonymous meetings. Have you noticed that this ain't well people's anonymous? You know, Bill Wilson said the next frontier in here is emotional sobriety. It says our problems is that we have unhealthy dependencies. I mean, you know, when I came to Alpox and I was for the first 15 years, I joined the ranks of the thumb-sucking crybabies. I mean that's the fellowship I was in. And so one of the things that I noticed is the guys that I followed didn't seem disturbable. they weren't one day happy one day sad you know what my deal was I was like up and then I was down and then it was good and then bad and then happy and then sad and then things were great and then horrible and that was like the first hour because I was sensitive that's what I told myself I said I'm sensitive he said no Russ great artists are sensitive you're just touchy I was touchy You know what I mean? You know, it's like... What does it say? You know where it says in the big book? Because this is what the big book says about us. We got Al Falks in here, right? Now, this isn't me. If you don't like this, you've got to write New York and tell them to take this out. What the big books says about us is it says, you know, besides the fact that it says we're childish and we have childish emotions and things, you ever look at children and how they act when they don't get what they want and stuff like that? It says, listen to what it says. It says the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real you know what that means? that means imaginary crap it doesn't even have to be real have the power to kill like for others they sort of like mosey around and go through life and whatever and don't even notice what's going on we have like imaginary crap going on in our mind that isn't even happening and we want to kill ourselves we want we want to kill them we want to kill us sober sober this is the way we are sober and let me tell you something when imaginary crap that isn't even happening is driving you crazy that's probably not a recipe for a really good life or a lot of really swell relationships you understand you're going to have guys getting married for the 15th time you know what I mean linking up with gals that are getting married to the 3rd time because they have something in common because they're both alcoholics it may not work so well I don't want to get anybody upset if they're in here doing that deal so you know what I notice about these guys is they're unperturbable they seem to be always in the same mood which is generally a decent mood you notice that they don't complain a lot they seem to somehow have their act together and they seem to be more focused on other people than they're focused on themselves and it doesn't seem like they're doing a whole lot of thinking they're just sort of gliding through life and I always and there's nothing about these guys you know, these guys that I hung out with I was attracted to them I don't even know why I was attractive to them I felt when I was with these guys I don' t know why, that I was safe if I was with them, I was safe, I could ask them questions I have guys that call me up on the phone and say can I ask you a question? I say sure they just ask me all sorts of questions I get asked all sorts of questions You know, I mean, I don't know. I said, sure, ask me a question. That's the way I was. I used to hang out with them. I'd say, can I ask you a question? Can I sit down? Can I watch? Somehow just being with them, I felt there was something about them that was, you know what it was? They were steady. They were, I like, I heard a preacher once talk about, you know, love being steady. I came from an alcohol home. Anybody here come from an alcoholic home? My mama was an alcoholic. Let me tell you something. Three o'clock, you didn't know what you were coming home to. Mommy could be lying on the front lawn in a negligee, 3 o'clock in the morning there were plates hitting the ceiling people were yelling curse words there were parties going on it was craziness I didn't know what steady looked like let me tell you something love is I'll tell you one thing I may not be the father and I'm not that goes to all the baseball games and all the football games I got three daughters and a son and they're all grown now but I want to tell you some and I don't even know how this happened because while other dads were going to and I just think I didn't show up at important stuff like graduations and things that dads are supposed to be at but where other dads were not going to meetings because they were going to baseball games and they were doing and they're going to this and they we're going to that I was going to meeting so I mean I have no idea why my kids respect me or why my kid's love me or why I have such a close bond with my gals and with my son. I have no idea why that happened, except the only thing I can tell you is I was steady. They always knew where I was going to be. I, unlike my house, okay, I came from a divorced family, they always knew that no matter what was going on in their life, in their world, okay, that I would always be there. You know what it is? You know, they didn't want me as a friend. They didn't wants me as buddy. They had buddies. They didn' t want me hanging around. You know what they wanted? They wanted a sober daddy. You know, boys and girls, little boys and boys, they need sober daddies that are always there. They didn't care whether I was there all the time. They just knew that if they needed me, I was here. They never had to worry about me because I was going to either be at an A meeting or I was gonna be at home. They always knew where I was gonna be and what I was about. And how was I to know by just being sober and doing that, I was gong to engender their love and respect. and have that kind of relationship. How did I know that that was going to happen? I mean, I didn't know that stuff. I was just doing what they say in AA. While other guys weren't doing what they said to do in AA, they said, no, I got to run around, I got a misdemeanor, I got go with my kids. Never use your kids or your wife or anything as an excuse to miss a meeting or help another alcohol. Why don't you use them as a reason why to do that deal? Okay? And since the eighth step and the ninth step has to do with relationships this sort of stuff is important you ever ask yourself why you're lonely all the time or why you feel separated all the time or why it feels so apart all the time and why you can never make a connection you know why it's three o'clock in the morning why you always feel like you're just sort of locked in this shell and you're never going to break out and you know you're around a lot of people and you with a lot of people you're really not a part of anything you know you don't really feel you don t really feel steady you know you're sort of like on your own. There's nobody you can really depend upon. It's just sort of, like, you and the world. The world's kind of a scary place and that kind of deal. No, that's a scary... That comes... That's operating out of a weak position. And when you operate out of a weak situation, you have the corrosive threat of fear running through you. Because it's you against the world and no matter what kind of bravado you put up, you somehow deep down inside have figured out that the world is a lot bigger and stronger than you are and there ain't nobody coming to your rescue except for you, and you're just not up to the job. And I tell a story about being in Great Neck, New York, where I grew up, and I've told this before maybe here, but it's worth telling again. I'd be on the football field or the baseball field, and there'd be 12 or 18 kids or whatever, a number of kids, and there would be two captains, And one captain would say, well, you know, the captains are usually the real good ballplayers. And I was always terrible at that deal. I was Always Terrible. And they would start picking the sizes. Well, I'll take Fred and I'll Take Joe. And if they took Fred, like the kids would all be in the middle of the field. So if they said, you Know, I'LL TAKE YOU, you would march over to that guy's side. And then the other guy would say Well,I'LL Take You and you'd march over that guy side. And as you pick the guys, you guys have been involved in this, the group gets smaller and smaller, right? And so I'm in the middle of the group and I'm praying. What am I praying? You know what I'm paying for. What are some things that alcohol scares? Alcoholics. I mean, I wasn't drinking then, but I was an alcoholic. Because drinking is just something that happens down the road to alcoholics. If you're an alcoholic, you're born an alcoholic! Because alcoholism is something that happens when you're sober. That's why we're all sober tonight, right ? Well, that's why we're on a meeting because we're alcoholics! You know, our problem isn't drunk. Drunk is something that happens to alcoholics when you have untreated alcoholism. You know what I mean? Alcohol is a drug that alcoholics use to treat alcoholism, you understand what I'm saying? I'm an alcoholic because no woman, no amount of clothes, no cars, no food, although I tried them all, and they work to a certain extent, but they never worked quite as well as just a few drinks. You know, I can tell you, the ease and comfort I got just from a quart bottle of 45-mol liquor, okay? Let me tell you something. If it did for you what it did to me, you ain't stopping drinking. Okay? And the only reason I stopped drinking is it stopped working for me. And I've got to tell you Something. I was on such a roll, I didn't realize it stopped Working for me until 10 years down. It started working for Me about 10 years before I realized it stopped Worked for me, And I hurt a lot of people. And so now I get rid of the alcohol, which I think is the problem. I think one of the problems, the problem is alcohol. Let me tell you something. I wish I could say, I wish I could blame everything on alcoholism. Oh yeah, I screamed at that person because I was drunk. Oh yeah. I didn't, I was irresponsible because I Was drunk. Oh yeah I hurt their feelings because I was drunk. Oh I said that because, oh it's alcohol's fault. It's not my fault, it's Alcohols fault. I'm a good guy. Let me say something. I've hurt many people as most people in my life before and after alcoholics and I've heard the same way sober. You know as a matter of fact drunk, You know what I did drunk? Drunk, I just laid down on the couch and threw up. You know What I mean? Not paying my bills. You know, not coming through for you. Not returning phone calls. Ripping up the mail. Not coming... I did all that stuff cold stone sober. Getting mad at somebody. A quick mouth. You know saying so... That's sober. That's what I do sober because I'm an alcoholic. Because I don't have that insulation. You know? Alcohol, the drinking of the alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. Our real disease centers in our mind, not our body. It has to do with resentments, it has to do with guilt, it hasn't do with feeling guilty. You know what feeling guilty feels like? You know when you tell yourself you're an idiot, you're a jerk, you are stupid, you ought to die and everything like that because you feel so guilty and maybe you feel guilty because you are guilty and maybe feel guilty cause you're not guilty and maybe just feel guilty maybe you just, maybe it's just the wrong doing, I don't know whatever it is deep down inside it has do with fear, it have to do with the fact that you're no good enough and you'll never be good enough to be anything because you're a nothing. And I was always a nothing, and it didn't matter that I had a law degree. It didn't mater that I have a three-piece suit. It didn' t matter that i was working for the state attorney's office. I was alway going to be a nothing I was allways less than. I was never gonna be something. I used to put something in my body. It turned me into an almost and when you're nothing, almost is top of the world. And that's why I drank. Because I went from a nothing to John Wayne personified In five seconds. And you know what did that for me? Booze did that for me. And now you're telling me that my problem is booze? Hey, without booze I would have blown my brains out. So I'm sitting there and the team's getting less and less and I'm right in the middle and it seems please don't let me be last because the last thing a dog wants is for people to laugh at him and it seemed to me like I was always picked last. And you don't know how they pick you. They say things like oh do I have to have them? Like they'd rather play with one less you know what I mean now I thought they just didn't like me now the truth was I was just a lousy athlete that's just the truth but I thought there was just something wrong with me embarrassing so what happened is the way I would react is the way you react when stuff like that happens when people are laughing at you and you're right in the middle of the thing and everything like that if you're an alcoholic you always assume that that kind of humiliation is waiting for you somewhere down the road either it's at work or it's after jobs Somewhere along the line, they're going to discover who you really are and they're all going to laugh at you and you're going to be fired. You're never safe. Your job is never safe your position is never saved. Your marriage is never said you're never safe because, you know, at some point in time, the clothes are going to be ripped away and they'll all be laughing at you saying I knew you were a jerk. I knew you weren't good enough. I know you weren' smart enough. I knew your a phony baloney. You know that's going to happen. You know that when you come in here and they say, why don't you chair a meeting? You say, well, I'm not ready. Which is alcohol code for I'm scared. They're going to laugh at me. They're gonna judge me. I'm stupid. I'm Not Good Enough. You know, I mean, that's your whole life. Your whole life is I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You know I can't do this deal. You want a crummy way to go through life. And you look at people that can do this stuff and you say, how does he do it? How does she do it ? How do they do that stuff? You know what I mean? And so as they're ripping this thing, as the group is getting smaller and smaller, I'm sitting there and here's what I'm thinking and I don't even know how this comes, this is like a natural thing this is my natural way of thinking this is why this disease is so horrible because the thing that gets me in trouble is intuitive it's the way I naturally think, I naturally think alcoholically. To me, you know what it says about alcoholics? It says our alcoholic life seems the only normal one to me it makes sense to hate people It makes sense to blame people. It's natural for me to feel sorry. It is natural for me to be depressed. It is national for me to feel sorry for myself. It's natural to think that I'm a victim. That is so it's so natural for me what this program tells me to do is I got to think unnaturally. It's like using my right hand. The way I think in here which is toxic which will kill me is like using my right hand it feels comfortable to feel sad. It feels comfortable to be scared. It feels uncomfortable to be angry. It feelings comfortable to be mad all the time. It seems comfortable to always think, what's going to happen to me? It feels comparable to say, why did I do that? Why are they saying that? Everything that's bad that happens in my life, all the times I think of, all that stuff, it feels comfortable to me. You know what I call that? That's my life. That's the way I think. That't my way of life. I come in here, I listen you guys in discussion meetings, you know what I say? Man, they're just like me. Which relieves it a little bit because I thought I was the only one who thought that way. I thought that's why I constantly think well what's the use of talking to anybody nobody will ever understand because I don't even understand. Some guy talks on the podium and says man, I've never heard him put in words that's exactly the way I feel but I didn't know I even felt that way until that guy talked that way and now I know that's what's going on in my life and at least you can put some words on it now put some clothing on it And it becomes real. It becomes visible. And you see, that's me. And it must have been him because he's talking like he's reading my thoughts but he's not like that anymore. I'm over here and he's over there. And you're trying to figure out how to get over there and you can't get over their. You know? I mean, that is the deal. And so I am sitting there in the middle of the group and I am saying somehow it occurs to me that the only way I can protect myself against this humiliation because I'm hating them, I'm hatin' the world, I'm havin' myself, I wish they were dead and I figure the only way to, as they're laughin' me, to protect myself is act like it doesn't bother me. It's killin' my life and it's killinn' me but I'm gonna act like it doesnt bother me so in other words I'm dyin' on the inside but I am laughin', like they're laughin' at me I'm laughin'... I know this is kinda hard to explain unless you've been there I'm laughing as if I'm standin' where they are at me like it doesn't bother me I'm saying that doesn't bother me, you're not bothering me my way of laughing like them at me while I am me is sort of like me saying well I'm actually where you are I'm not even there where I am at and somehow that built some sort of protective wall because I knew if I started crying or running away I'd really be humiliated so I built that little wall, that little one inch wall so they could not see how I felt they wouldn't know how I felt and how did I know that that wall that seemed like it was a protective covering for me because I didn't know how to handle that would over the next 18 or 20 years become 3 feet thick so that nobody could ever know what's going on inside of me or why I act the way I acted and you want to know something it got to the point where it became so thick I didn'y even know how i felt the way i felt or why i felt the way i felt or what was going on inside of my and i couldn't even figure me out All I know is sometimes I do crazy shit things and stupid things and bad things and feel bad about it and not even know why I do it and then try to figure out, you know, how to react to it and how to justify it and howto blame. And when you get in that situation, drinking helps a lot. And I used to drink a lot because men and women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol, that their rest is zero and discontented. And whenyou're that way and you're thatway naturally and you don't have no other way of acting, you are going to be arrested of civil discontent you're not going to have good relationships your marriage, nothing is going to really work out for you no matter how hard you try because you're just bent in that direction it's just going that way for you and that's part of this disease which is spiritual a spiritual disease because we're in constant state of dis-ease so let me read that with that in mind let's get into the solution here let me reading a couple of things right now what I want to do is I want to focus on the deal I want us to focus on the only thing that's ever worked for me these last okay, I'm going to read a couple things just some things right out of this book the book Alcoholics Anonymous there's a point here we're going to see whether you can figure out the point you have to stay awake for this one this ain't going to be soon fed we're gonna see whether he can figure this out it has to do with that You know what it has to do with? It has to do with that steady thing. It has to do With that steady thing. You know, you know that steady thing I was talking about? There's, you know, one of the books they read, one of them, they read three primary books in the first four years of alcohol synonymous. One book they read was the book of James. The other book they read Was First Corinthians 13 and the other book they read is back to the first day meeting was the Sermon on the Mount. When the Serman on the Mountain ended and if you want to know what the Sermont on the Mound said, you know what? The Sermond on the was? This book. You read this book, you're reading the Sermon on the Mount. It's in this book. That's right. The guys in Alcoholics Anonymous that's right, the guys who wrote the Bible stole everything from AlcoholicsAnonymous. And that's the way it worked. So that's it. He sponsored 12, they sponsored 12 a bunch of people sponsored 12 and all of a sudden it was AlcoholicsAnenomous. So here's the deal. But in the last part of the book the carpenter said in the last part of Sermon on the Mount this is what he says he says a man I figure a man who hears what I say hears what I said he said a whole lot of things it was a sermon and does what I say as a man who built his house upon a rock a rock and the wind came and the floods came but the house stayed because it was built upon a rock and then he says I judge a man who hears the things I say but does not do them as a man who builds his house upon sand because the winds came and the floods came and the house fell and great was the fall because itwas built upon sand so there's something about building your house on a rock as opposed to building yourhouse upon sand And guess what? If you haven't figured this out, then you have some drinking to do. You build your house upon your own thinking and your own way of doing things, you're building it upon sand. You're building upon sand and you'll do good in AA for three weeks or three months or three years or 13 years, whatever it is, but the wind will come and the rain will come and something will happen and you will fall like that house fell on the sand. And you won't even know why it happened. Because you'll think you've been doing this thing and you weren't doing this things at all. Because you weren' t building it on the rock. Okay, now, here we go. Yeah, yeah, it's preaching. That's okay. It won't kill you. Didn't kill me. These last 18 years have bothered some old timers. You know what I mean? Well, you know what they say. Whenever you're disturbing them, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You know, I pray that I disturb at least 10% of the people in here. Because you know why? They need to be disturbed. They need the wake the hell up. Because if I disturb them, that means there's something going on in them that's disturbing them. And I can promise you, if I'm disturbing them because of what I'm saying in Alcoholics Anonymous, that ain't nothing compared to the guys that are waiting for them out there. Because the same stuff that's distracting them, what they're hearing about here, is going to get them drunk out there because the only difference is I care about them and the guys out there really don't. so you want to get to a point where in AA nothing disturbs you nothing bothers you you're not botherable because if you get to the point where you'renot botherable in AA by what people say and that kind of stuff you got a shot in the outside world you better pray you find a sponsor that disturbs you, says stuff that's disturbing to you you know you have one of these sponsors that they're always patting you on the back and always telling you good things and never make you feel bad because they want to be your friend. Man, I'll tell you, you're going to be a thumb-sucking crybaby when you get out there and they start pounding on you. These last 18 years have been the happiest of my life, trite though that statement may seem. 15 of those years would not have enjoyed had I continued drinking. Doctors told me before I stopped that I had only three years on the outside to live. This latest part of my live has had a purpose, not in the great things accomplished but in daily living. Courage to face each day as we place the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatient chopping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks of hoarding themselves with tasks that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt, and pity were once shown me I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances all of whom were fair-weather friends I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am. And over my eight years, I've made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great, i.e., I don't have much. I don' t have much, okay? But I have a fortune. Here we go. He has a fortune in friendships, in courage, in self-assurance, and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. above all I have gained the greatest thing accorded to any man here it comes the love and understanding of a gracious God love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a position of trust where I've been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get that, then you're ready to take certain steps. Not if you want the car, if you wanna get back in the big bed, you want a girl, you want sex, you want all this stuff. If you want what we have, what we had, this is what they... You know what this guy had? He had nothing. Except what he said he had there. Except what she said she had. That's what he had. And you wanna some? That's why we have first things first. See to it that your relationship with Him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. You know, seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all other things will be added unto you. That's where things first came from. It's all about Him. Here we go to the next one. Sometimes it's nice sort of reading the big book once in a while. No, it really is. It is. Let me see. burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone the only condition is that he trusts God and clean house let no alcohol say that he cannot recover unless he has his family back this just as in so in some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people it is dependent upon his relationship with God it is not a matter of giving that is in question but when and how to give that often makes a difference between failure and success The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcohol commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense! Some of us have taken very hard knocks to know this truth. Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence upon God." I guess that's why they say there is one who has all power that one is God but you find them now I guess that's what that's why they say on the A, B's and C's if they read it every meeting you cannot manage your own life no human power can relieve this deal only God couldn't what if he was sought I guess that's why they say all that stuff you know it's important for me to read this stuff and the reason it's important for me to read this stuff is because you ain't getting anywhere in this deal unless ultimately you get focused on the only thing that's important and the good thing is the only one thing it's not a lot of things it's very simple perhaps there is a better way we think so for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves we are in a world to play the role He assigns just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us and humbly rely upon Him does He enable us to match calamity with serenity we never apologize for depending upon our creator we can laugh at those who think spirituality is a way of weakness, paradoxically it's a way of strength, the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage, they trust their God, we never apologize for God we never apologize for God, instead we let him demonstrate to us what he can do we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear. At once we commenced to outgrowth fear. Hey, you know what this is? This is the program of alcohol synonymous. This is THE program. This is alcohol. I don't know what you're hearing in your meetings. I don' t know what they're saying in your meeting. I mean, what are they saying things like 90 and 90 and they're sayin' like just don't drink and go to meetings. I mean, all that stuff is good stuff. I'm not going to put that down. It's like Motherhood and Apple Pie. But this is the program about Volks Anonymous. This is what separates the men from the boys. The guys will honestly and absolutely finally get their stuff. This is the meat and potatoes. We're already past the third step. We'RE past the fifth step. We'RE passed the sixth step where it separates them from the voice. WeRE past the seventh step where we've gone through all that and we realize now we're on the eighth step. WE'RE on the big time stuff. We'RE going to start looking at people differently. people aren't going to bother us we're going to have an incredible life I can tell you this if you're a botherable if you go to sleep tonight and there are things bothering you if you wake up in the morning and things are bothering you if you've been talking about stuff today that's bothering you you know if you got stuff on your mind that's bothered you if you think you're anxious or disturbed and you start thinking about the same deal over and over again I got news for you chances are it has something to do with people or maybe a person or maybe a group of people you know what I mean and you know something you don't even know how to stop thinking about it because they're living rent free in your head that affects your actions it affects how you feel about yourself it affects your relationship with everything and you don' t know what the problem is you don´t even know how to start stop thinking about it you can´t stop it you can't stop that any more than you can stop drinking well you want you want to know what says the big book I´ll tell you what it says it says this sort of stuff we must get we´re selfish we´r self-centered that´s the root of our problems driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking. We step on the toes of others they retaliate. We usually don't think they have a reason for it but it's usually because we set an emotion because we did it and alcohol is an extreme example you're an extreme sample. You, you guys of self-will, you guy, you guys of self will run riot I understand you don't thing so but but you usually don' t think so Above all we must get rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us Doesn't even bruise us, kills us. God makes that possible. There he is again. There he's showing up again. That's probably why he's all through the steps there. God makesthat possible. There it is. When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer being all-powerful. He's not the higher power. He's the highest power. Being all-poweredful... I mean, with my problems and my personality, I need the highest powerful. I don't need some deputy assistant, you know, flunky to the president power, you know. I need the main banana. I don' t need the biggest God in the universe. I need a God that' s outside the universe, you know, who invented the universe. He provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. He provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. So according to the big book, you have to number one, keep close to him. Well, It would be probably a good idea to know who he is, figure out that deal, and perform his work well. Which means you probably want to figure out what his work is he has for you, and then what you need to do to perform it, right? I mean, listen, you can write New York, but this ain't me. This is the book Outfall of Sonata, so until they take it out, I'm going to be reading it. You know, so I don't see anything in there about getting laid. No, we're all adults here. I don't see anything about chasing that stuff. You know, when I go to an AA meeting, you know, this thing, Step 8 is about relationships. Relationships with your son, with your daughter, with your mother, with your father, with the people in A, with your community. You know during an AA meaning, these days they talk about relationships, you know you're going to be talking about what? Romance. My boyfriend. My girlfriend. When am I going to find somebody? Which by the way, the 12 of 12 says it's the worst thing for us to concentrate on. I don' t know if you remember Step 7 where it says, never did we have enough romance, money, power, prestige, and romance. I mean, you've been thinking about that for 30 years old, 40 years old 50 years old 60 years old. You're still watching that same stuff you're still reading that same stop. You still dream about that same step. How's that feel? It's been working differently for you? It's working I know it hurt when you were 18 I know what hurt when he was 26. I know was killing you when you're 35 but it's better now when you're 47 that sort of thinking that kind of crap is helping you so you go to an A meeting so you can find some other people that are doing the same thing so you could talk about it more and figure out if you get that straight that would be the answer to your problem because otherwise you might have to do what Russell says focus on God, maybe go to church do the Bible study thing and everything and focus on him and then you're probably never going to get laid Well, the truth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off. Okay, here we go. Well, I said to my sponsor, when am I going to be financially secure? One of my mentors, when are we going to do this? When am I gonna be financially secured? He said, never. I said that to the big book. It says, I'll be financially security. He says, no, you're never gonna be financial. He says it doesn't say that. He says he says it right. And he says, it doesn' say that, Russell. He says I read it. He says take it out. and it says, fear of people in financial insecurity will leave you. See, Russia will always be broke, but it just won't bother you. Well, thanks for sharing. You know what I mean? I didn't like that either. I want to know when I got the yacht. Isn't that what happens? You go to AA and get the yacht? Well, maybe you'll get the yacht, maybeyou won't get theyacht, but it won'tbother you. You know, some people get theyard and they're still bothered. You know why? Becausethey'rebotherable. Yeah. He providedwhat we needed ifwe keptclose to himandperformedhisworkwell established on such a footing. What footing? The footing on depending 100% and focusing on Him. Established on that footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in and as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, and the year after we were reborn. There we go again. and then you know to you know I heard this the other day sometimes you what does it say here we've found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence which we had not even dreamed how would you like that deal to happen you know when you get rocketed in the fourth dimensional which you had not ever dreamed do you want to know something you're on good relationships with everybody you know what I find I don't have for the most part nobody does this perfectly I'm not going to say look at me I'm perfect I never had trouble with anybody that wouldn't be true but I can tell you something, compared to the way I used to be my life is pretty much the void of who does he think he is they can't do that to me why is this happening to me I can't believe they're doing this to me my life's pretty much devoid of having people living rent free in my head there's just a lot of empty space up there two neurons playing tennis or something, I don't know the great fact is just this and nothing less we have had deep and effective of spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life towards our fellows and towards God's universe the central fact of our lives today what's the central fact of your life today you ought to ask yourself this what's most important thing to you what do you think about all the time what do we read about all time what do they talk about all times who are your friends what are they talking about all of time that's how you find out what the central fact of our life is today the central fact of a life today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous he has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves that's the central fact of their lives it was all about God and what he was doing for them in their lives you know, it's like the Mother Teresa thing the guy from New York Times followed around he says, I'd never do I wouldn't do what you do for a million dollars she said, neither would I it's not like me talking to the guy in the Denny's you know after the meeting and he looks at me the young guy his first meeting he says well that was pretty good but what did he do for fun and I didn't have the heart to tell him I was having a great time just being with him just talking to him and talking about what God had done for me in my life. Bill Wilson said, he said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of several diseases that I just got to keep talking about it and telling other people. These guys were on fire for God. They couldn't help but share it. The problem is they were sharing with alcoholics and all alcoholics wanted to do a shit on God and piss on God and get mad at people that are talking about God and they were onfire for God and well the good thing is they stayed sober for 30 or 40 years and they lived to good purpose while the other ones just bounced around the rooms trying to figure out how to do have one foot into God and one foot into the Cadillac how did you have to have that cake and eat it too you know what I mean so here we go this is the last part the last reading there we go let me see whether I can find this thing okay here are thousands of men and women worldly indeed they flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a power greater than themselves to take a certain attitude towards that power and to do certain simple things there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the faceof total failure of their human resources they found that a new power, peace, happiness and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. Once confused and baffled by a seeming futility of existence they show the underlying reason why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. They show how the change came over them when many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. That's preachy, huh? It's preachie. Yeah, it's better when you read it. Because when you reading it it doesn't sound preachy right? I mean when you don't read it by yourself it doesn' t sound like the preach... When I read it it sounds like I'm preaching right? Well he's preaching. But you know he's not preaching he's sharing something with you that's going to save your life. We ask ourselves this are some of us just as biased and unreasonable about the realm of the spirit as were the ancients about the Realm of the Material. He goes on to say the following, When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the spirit of the universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work, but the God idea did. You know, we have this attitude in Alcohol Sonomists, and I guess it's because we just naturally want to do it our own way so we naturally want us to think this that we don't think alcohol synonymous takes a stand on atheism you know, Dr. Bob said if you're an agnostic or of any other form of intellectual pride that keeps you from the plain thing we're saying in this group I feel sorry for you we think that because they wrote a chapter to the agnestic which basically says this sort of thinking has to be abandoned that they said it's okay to be agnóstic It's okay to be atheistic. It's Okay To Not Believe. That's not what AA is about. They wrote a chapter in the agnostic to tell the agnostics they've got to stop thinking that way. Now, does that mean that you can get kicked out of here? No. Because the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. But let me tell you something. At the end of this book, it says we'll see some of you what in the fellowship of the Spirit. The fellowship ofthe Spirit is different than the fellowship of alcoholics and obnoxious. There may be a different requirement than just the not drinking club on that deal, okay? When we alcoholics crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade we had to fiercely face the proposition that either God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What was our choice to be? Actually, we were fooling ourselves for deep down in every man, woman and child it's the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things but in some form or other, it is there. For faith and a power greater than ourselves and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives are facts as old as man himself. We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup just as much as feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but he was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found that the great reality deep down within us in the last analysis was only there that he may be found, it was so with us. We can only clear the ground a little. If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then if you wish, you can join us on the broad highway. With this attitude, you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. you know, when you're involved in listen, you can do the steps mechanically you want to know how to do the 8th step I'm not here to talk to you about because you can read the book and go to your sponsor and talk about making a list that comes from the 4th step I'm Not Here To Tell You To Make A List You Can Do That In A Treatment Center We'll Tell You How To Do The 8th Step Tell You how to Do The 4th Step You Can do these things mechanically Rarely A Person Gets Out Of A Treatement Center That Doesn't Get To Do Step 3 Step 4 They Have To Do These Things get a sponsor. You can mechanically do all this stuff. Have you been hanging around Alcoholics Anonymous? Have you seen, you know something most of the people I know that are drinking after a few years of sobriety have worked all the steps. Have worked all the stops. They're only missing one thing. One thing. God. You know why? Because they're God. They've always been God. They'll always be God. Their not relying upon God. they'll do the steps because when they do the steps then they can get out of here and they can manage their lives because they don't believe it because they're not drinking anymore but the guys that make it for the 20 years the 30 years you know the serious deal you know the steps are an adjunct they're a tool there's something we do they're important to clear the ground away and the obstacles too but there's only one thing that's important in this deal see to it your relationship with him is right great events will come to pass you won't tell us others and I gotta say something The believers, the people who develop belief, they'll do every one of these steps. Whether they go to the step meeting, whether they don't go to step meeting whether they have a good sponsor, whether you have a bad sponsor, whatever it is if they get the God thing, they will do every single one of those steps. And the non-believers, it doesn't matter what it means they ain't doing this stuff, it ain't going to happen. It ain't gonna happen. Or if it does happen, if you think happening means they're not drinking club you just don't drink, it's gonna happen but they're gonna look a little bit differently than the ones that are focusing on him. They're not going to have the stuff these guys have. Because you know why? Because they said, rarely have I seen a person feel who has thoroughly followed our path. That's what they said. If you follow our path, you get what we got. They didn't say do whatever the hell you want to do and you'll get what you got anyway. So God bless you. Next week we'll talk about something else.