The Catholic Priest Who Taught Him Spirituality vs. Religion – Tom B.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Tom Black, and I am an alcoholic. I want to thank Reed, thank the committee for inviting me, taking the chance on me. This is not me, by the way. This is the effort of some people in recovery who decided I needed to look good. I love to wear t-shirts and blue jeans the more holes in my t-shirt the better I am so I have to admit though I am starting to enjoy this I'm going to try today to not do much of my story I'm not real big on drunkologues and mine is only too familiar familiar to those who went through it with me. My own personal experiences are mostly hearsay evidence. I was a blackout drinker. My sobriety date, by the way, is November November 6th of 1985. They tell me that I'm kind of a rare bird in AA anymore, but I came into the program for my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on November 6, 85, and have not found it necessary to go back out since that day. Much to the chagrin of a lot of the old-timers in AA, I think they were rooting for me to go back out. I'm standing here before you today as a direct result of that love, that patience that those people showed me. And what I try to do today is pass on what they so freely gave me on my very first meeting, and that was hope. now I'm going to get to how I got to that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in a bit I just want to tell you people here today that it is a privilege and an honor my privilege, my honor to be here with you today because you people are my heroes you people You people will love me no matter how unlovable I become. You people will help me when I can't help myself as long as I'm willing to do a few certain little things to work the program to the best of my ability get to know and understand a God of my understanding and apply that God's principles in my daily life. not a tall order for you for me it was very difficult I'm going to jump way back to the very beginning I started drinking when I was 8 years old to some of you that may be a little late in life or some of ya might be a little early in life we're all the same we all started somewhere I drank to a pass out the very first time I drank it did It did something to me that I could not explain. But all I knew was is it went, yeah. There was a relief. I felt like I fit because prior to that time, I never felt like i fit anywhere. I'm the youngest of four children. I was not raised in a terrible home. I was raised with love, the best of my parents' ability. I'm the youngest, and that may have a little bit to do why I didn't feel like I fit in. I don't know. I don'T question it anymore. I just know it's a fact. I spent the following years all the way through high school still combating the idea that I might be able to drink like normal people. By 17, I was a blackout drinker, which is not a good thing because I was also a very good athlete. So I had to really try to control when I drank. And as everybody in this room knows, when I try to controI what I drink, I have no fun. when I drink the way I want to drink no one else has any fun by the time I was 17 years old I was a blackout drinker I got a full-ride scholarship at age 18 to a college I participated in wrestling and football it was the first year freshman could actually compete all four years of college level I made the starting varsity team as a freshman in football. Strong safety at 215 pounds. Still weigh right around there, by the way. It's just moved. But the reason I'm going to tell you this part of my story is because I don't want you to get the misunderstanding understanding that willpower will have any effect whatsoever on you getting sober or not getting sober. I also wrestled in college. Now, I told you I played football at 215 pounds. I wrestled at 150 pounds. If you do not think that takes willpower, try it. Not easy to do. You don't eat, you don't drink. Well, occasionally. I had a wrestling tournament. I was within a pound of weight. I'm making my weight. We had to leave the next morning. I was in a fraternity. A guy came by and said, boy, you look like you need a beer. And I said, you're absolutely right. Fourteen pounds later, very drunk, They decided, my fraternity brothers, that I better get close to my weight again. Hard to do in showers with sweat clothes on when you're drunk. But they got me there. You know, I always had people in my life that looked out for me. You know. How many Harley Riders have we got in this audience? Raise your hands. You are very, very brave people. Very, very. I've only rode a Harley-Davidson twice in my entire life. Okay, the first time I rode a Harley, I was in college. Spring break. This guy made me an offer from Sioux City, Iowa to take a Harley Davidson motorcycle from Sioux City, Ohio to Kansas City, Missouri and drop it off. Brand new motorcycle. He's going to pay me some money to do it. Sounds like a plan to me. Now, I make terrible decisions, okay? Because I got to Kansas City. This gentleman offered me an opportunity to take another Harley from Kansas City to Dallas, Texas. Sounded like a great idea to me two weeks off of school. I'm going to have all this cash. And I lived in a little town called Grand Saline, Texas, 76 miles east of Dallas for quite a few years. So I had a lot of friends there who drank. And man, I'm ready. I call them up and we party one night. Wake up the next morning. I'm in jail. I'm going to guess a time, 9 a.m. I'm front of a judge. He says, I don't know what I'm gonna do with you, sir. You know, young man, this is terrible. You know you like to play with guns. Obviously a gun had went off the night before in a bar. I don't know for sure whether I was holding it. I don' t think I will ever know. And somebody got hurt. He said, Don' t know what we' re going to do with you, young man. And this guy stood up in the back of the courthouse room and said, We' ll take him, Your Honor. Well, this was March of 1970. A gentleman had on the ugliest uniform I'd ever seen in my life. And the judge says, okay, Tom, make a decision. Remember, I told you I make terrible decisions. He said, you can go to three years to the state penitentiary or you can go three years to the Marine Corps. You all know what was happening in 1970, those of you that were around. For those of vous that wasn't, there was a little thing called Vietnam. So I ended up going to Vietnam. I arrived in Vietnam in mid-April of 1970. I came home in November of 1973. I make terrible decisions you know I did not want to come home it was the only place that I had felt other than the first time I drank that I felt like I fit it was the only place that I felt comfortable that's sad to me I had been spending the whole time up to that point trying to get that feeling back that I found the very first time alcohol entered my system I didn't know that it was something I was going to chase and never recapture totally when I got out of the service I was getting ready to get out I went down with a couple friends of mine bought a brand new Dodge Super B convertible beautiful car we go out partying we wake up three days later can't find my car matter of fact I didn't remember buying the car somebody else informed me that we had bought this Dodge Super D and it belonged to me and we probably should go find it blackout drinker I decided that yeah let's go find my car so we drove all over finally find my car some drunk had run into it damn them drunks and knocked it over the side of an embankment totaled it out I was not going to spend money for another vehicle I had gotten married while I was in the service I was walking down the street in Sioux Falls South Dakota this woman said and I think I'll marry a drunk, and there's one. She hates it when I tell that story. She actually heard that one time, and she questioned me about it, and I said, well, I can't figure any other reason why you'd marry me. You know, and we're divorced, by the way. She's a lovely lady, lovely lady. She stuck with me until I was three years sober. And we're two people, I heard it said, I forget which speaker, that we were two people who should have never been married. But because of that marriage, I have two wonderful children and three absolutely greatest grandkids in the world. Now when I was getting out of the service, they had a team of eight doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, that decided to do an evaluation of me and see what made me tick. and of course you all know I was totally honest with them and their finding was simply this that I was detriment to myself and society as a whole that I was the coldest individual they had ever met in their life that Iwas totally incapable of love either giving or receiving it that I was totally incapable of expressing compassion. Really, and I was proud of that. I thought, I've arrived. All right, you know. When I got out of the Marine Corps, I decided to hitchhike back to Dallas, Texas. Now I have a wife who I hadn't seen for a couple years. And I have my baby. That I had never seen. And I have family, parents, relatives waiting for me in Dallas, Texas. And I make another great decision. I'm not going to buy another vehicle. I'm no going to get on an airplane. I'm going to hitchhike to Dallas. So I start hitchhiking to Dallas well. Well, I'm somewhere in the middle of a desert. It's hot. And I hear some thunder in the sky. I wonder what this is. There's not a cloud in the Sky. Well, it's getting closer and closer and closer. And I notice motorcycles coming straight at me. And the motorcycles start going by me. and I look at the leathers some of them were wearing Hell's Angels I'm in the middle of the desert all by myself with a sea bag dressed in summer Marine Corps uniform thinking I just spent three and a half years in a place called Vietnam and I'm going to die on the side of this road here and wherever they turn around, come back pull up beside me The guy looks me up and down. He said, where are you going, Marine? I said, Dallas. He said well we're going to Fort Worth. You want to ride a bike? I make terrible decisions. I hadn't been on a motorcycle in over three and a half, four years. I said absolutely I can ride a bicycle. Guess what kind of motorcycle it was. You got it. Harley had gotten me into the Marine Corps. or Harley was going to take me away from the Marine Corps. The way I thought, what that Harley did is it took me to Fort Worth, Texas, three and a half weeks later because I was partying with the Hells Angels. All points bulletin was put out for me. My uncle was a lieutenant in Dallas Police Department. They didn't have all the stuff they have today where they could track you down anywhere. anywhere, you know, and they came through the park, headed up, you know, all points bulletin for this guy named Tom Black. The hell's angels turned me in. They didn't want to party with me. They said, take him, please. He's right there, you know? You know, it talks about in the book, you know, we'll go to certain levels to find people that we can drink drink with, and be where we feel better than? I've wondered when I look back in retrospect at that instance is maybe I should have realized that I'd gone about as far down as I needed to go because if the hell's angels want to drink with you, you ain't got many choices left. Well, I ended up back with my wife. We lived in Texas for a couple years. years, moved back to Sioux Falls, South Dakota in 1975. Now I'm not or wasn't, I hope I'm better today, a very nice man. I had a little problem with anger. From 1975 till 1986 I had 176 assault and battery charges filed on me in the city of Sioux Fall, South South Dakota. Never spent more than a couple days in jail, by the way. I had to get out of jail free card and I used it regularly. A gentleman I'd met, and I want to do this part of the story to show you that I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in the the work of god working through us alcoholics you know a gentleman i met him when i was 16 years old my mother introduced him to me and my brother and said this guy has quit drinking we want you to take him hunting so that he can have some recreational time his wife has just throwing him out of the house he had no place to go he was staying with my parents this guy was white he was shaking like a leaf you know I looked at my brother and said if I ever get that bad please shoot me well in 1979 that same gentleman came to Sioux Falls jail looked at me behind the bars and he said Tom you don't have to live this way if you don't want to I didn't think I had a choice and I thanked him for being concerned enough to come see me would he please bail me out so I didn' t have to make a phone call and no he would not you know you guys are tough but he told me He said, you know, we had a talk. He said we recommend that you don't try to drink for 30 days and go to AA. I said, well, I won't go to that AA thing. AA don't work. I said I work on the railroad. I said with railroaders all day long in the track department. I've seen them come into AA carrying their little books around spouting all this stuff off to me all the time telling me how wonderful this life is. Two weeks later they're drinking with me. Never dawned on me I was a bad influence. but anyways this gentleman he said you know we recommend 30 days you won't go to a okay why don't you just try not to drink for 30 days i said well i think i can do that he said yeah i think you probably can too tom he said so let's do this let's try a year year. Oh, this guy's mean. You know what? You know, I think I can do a year. You know, if I was the type of person that if I believed I set my mind to it, I could do anything. Well, I went a year without drinking. Now, everybody that came in contact with me suffered terribly because I was dealing absolutely with of something called untreated alcoholism. I took the alcohol out of my system, and the only thing that I stopped was the craving. The mental obsession took over. All I thought about from the time I woke up to the time when I went to bed was one year. Okay, nine months. Okay, 30 days. The great day arrived. And I told my wife, I said, let's go out for supper. Still married to me. Woman's a saint. You know, we go outfor supper. Order a drink. She said, do you think that's wise? She doesn't know the plan. You know? She might have known the plan if I had told her, but I didn't tell her. My plan was that I knew that I had been so miserable in that one year of not drinking, nearly committed suicide twice during that year, and I was so, so tired and so, so, so worn out trying to live a life that I said, look, if life sucks this bad without alcohol, I'm going to drink until I die. And in 1979, I made a decision, you're right, bad decision that i was going to drink myself to death i knew that was possible i also knew that that was the only way out for somebody like me i already knew i was an alcoholic i just did not know that there was a design for living with this disease I didn't want to try anything other than what I was willing to do so I set off on the course of action of trying to drink myself to death I drank around the clock 24 hours a day 7 days a week if I was not passed out I never drew a sober breath except for 22 days over the next 5 years while I know exactly how many days I was sober is simply this in 1983 I got to go to the hospital to the emergency room I had ruptured my intestines they cut me from one hip to the other hip took my intestines out of my body set them on a table right there beside them they cut my diaphragm open and took my heart and lungs out and set them on top then they scrubbed my body cavity I had baronitis my intestines are rupturing they stitched all that back together put me back together left the incision wide open hospital for 12 days doctors come up with all their love and concern it said Tom don't drink it's killing you. What the alcohol had done, it affects us differently You've heard the other speakers tell you that. It affects different parts of our bodies differently The alcohol had went to my stomach, my intestines and it was literally rotting me out My intestines were falling apart I said this is killing you, do not drink. Now I tell people I didn't drink for the 12 days I was in in the hospital. I had a few friends of mine that disagree with that. They tell me that they actually did slip me in a little bit of stuff every now and then. But I was on some fairly decent stuff, so I really didn't know. It wasn't supposed to be, but I was. So I get ready to leave the hospital and my dad's the only person who'll pick me up and take me home. I wasn't really welcome in my house, but I was tolerated there. So my dad's taking me home, and I said, Dad, stop at the liquor store. He says, Son, you're not supposed to drink. I said. Dad, pull in at the liquid store. He refused to pull in the liquor story until I said one thing. I said if you don't pull this car over to that liquor store, I'm going to jump out. Now, I was cut from hip to hip with absolutely nothing holding me together except for some butterfly tape because this had to drain. My dad pulled it out of the liquor store. I bought enough supplies to get me through a few days. Went back home and drank. Made it three months. Right back to the hospital, exact same surgery. This time they cut me from about here all the way to the crotch. Did the same surgeries all over again. The first time they had put a colostomy bag on the side of me. This time they took it off, patched me all together and said you're going to die so what the hell. You might as well be in all one piece. Doctors again told me that was ten days in the hospital. They said you are going to died, don't drink. I got out of that hospital in September of 1983. 83. I drank until, it was actually in October of 85, I celebrate November because that's the first AA meeting I ever attended. I was in constant blackouts, drinking around the clock. I don't know today exactly why. I do know what sent that man back into my life in October of 85 was the God of my understanding today that very same man came and visited me again in jail and said Tom you don't have to live this way now we talk about the miracle and the grace of God in the program to me the grace of God was sending that man back into my life at that particular moment the miracle was that I listened and I followed directions for the first time in a long time I went to a treatment facility straight from jail now you have to understand that I'm the type of person that doesn't really believe this is going to work so I stop at the liquor store on the way to the treatment facility buy a bottle, sit out in the parking lot and drink the bottle before I go in they thought that it would be really a good idea to put me straight to bed got up the next morning they check me out they do a little blood alcohol deal on me and it's 2.32 this is after 24 hours of not drinking drinking. The nurse goes, oh my God, I got to get a counselor in here now. I said, why? She says, well, that's pretty high. I says, it looks like about a quart low to me. And it was, you know. I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I discovered something Something I didn't know was there. I discovered something called hope. You know, my first day in AA, I decided that, you know, they have those 12 steps up on the wall and I made this wonderful statement that so many newcomers make. I'll work every one of those steps that don't have God in it. I knew there was a God. I just didn't think he wanted to have anything to do with me. and I wasn't real sure I wanted to have anything to do with him because I had grown up in a very religious background. I was made to go to Southern Baptist churches as a young man until I fell asleep in church, a guy hit me in the back of the head with a big stick and I jumped up and knocked him out and then I wasnít invited back to Southern Baptist Church anymore. I was 16 years old, you know, didnít have a problem yet But I discovered something in AA called hope. I struggled with the spiritual part of this program for a long time, over three years. And finally one day, the old-timers had had enough, and they said, you're going with us. Now, I knew these old-timers were real active in doing what we call wet 12-step calls. These old timers want me to go with them on a 12-step call. Now, they hadn't said that, you know, but that's what I assumed. So I made a good decision. I went with them. One of the good decisions I made in early sobriety. I went avec these gentlemen. We pull up to this house. They said, get out. That man's waiting for you in there. And I think, well, don't we usually go in in pairs? you know they said no you don't understand go in there that man wants to talk to you I go in knock on the door guy opens the door catholic priest about this tall standing there staring me eyeball to eyeball and I'm not catholic and the only thing going through my mind is those assholes don't trust people in AA and they will set you up. I wasn't quite that sharp yet, I didn't realize that. So he said, You Tom? And I said, Yeah. He said, Come on in, I've been waiting for you. So we go in and he says, Tell me a little bit about yourself and I did. He told me a lot about himself and then he's bouncing his finger off my nose telling me exactly what's wrong with me first time I think anybody told me the truth you know where I was actually able to hear it but now I have to admit to you that while he was doing this I'm going can I kill a Catholic priest and get away with it now this was another one of those little spiritual moments you know because a voice came into my head and said no Well, shut up and listen. And I did. He told me, he said, your problem, Tom, is you confuse religion and spirituality. You need to remember that spirituality is God-given. Religion is man-made. You need stop blaming God for man's inhumanities to man. Allow what's God to be God's. Allow what man to be man's. I started on that very day starting to try to find and discover the God of my understanding started trying to understand what spirituality was you know as a direct result of working through those steps and being around you people I have discovered both those things now I was threatened a few weeks ago Well, I hope he's here. I don't normally tell this in a large group like this. I do it in clubhouses. Because I'm not real sure if what I'm going to say next is appropriate for here. You're all such sensitive people. I'm willing to describe you what I like to classify as my greatest spiritual experience. Okay. There was this huge flash of bright, brilliant white light. It filled the room. It was wonderful. The most beautiful light I'd ever seen. It It filled everything. I got this huge breath of fresh air. Filled my lungs totally. Went through every part of my body. The sweetest, most wonderful, beautiful air I had ever taken in in my life. The curious part of that was it was kind of this loud popping noise and it kind of threw me for a while what that noise was until I discovered it was simply this it was me pulling my head out of my ass and doing what I should have done the whole damn time now that's why I say it's not real appropriate but if you have any trouble with that Jim M Big Jim he made me promise that I would do that because he told me if I didn't he was going to make me You come back up here and do it again. I didn't want to put you through that. Only trying to be kind. What I have discovered in this program is the more I seek the God of my understanding, the more I get to enjoy life. The more I'm willing to give away what you people have given me the more I get to keep it the more I am willing to do whatever it takes to go wherever I have to go the happier I am every single one of us come into this program with a huge great big black pit sitting right here every single one of us know that everything we try to do to fill that up failed when I arrived at the point that I knew my way would never work God's way and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous could possibly work I discovered something interesting my way gave me one choice the program and God gave me two now I'm not a rocket scientist but I'd much rather have two options than one and I could stay around long enough to know that that was not only a possibility, but it was going to happen if I would do what you did to get it, which was to seek a power greater than myself and put my complete faith and trust in that that power. Quit relying on Tom and absolutely 100% rely on God. And that's what I've started to do. This was not a sudden deal. It's been gradually growing. Some days it goes backwards. You know, I'm still me. I have every single character defect that came into the program. I still have them today. I believe what the big book says. It says it's not a matter of if they're going to come back, it's a matter of when they're gonna come back and crop up in my life. But today I am sufficiently armed with the knowledge of what those character Character defects are. I'm sufficiently armed with a spiritual program that as soon as I notice my anger starting to crop up, not as soon als I notice it, sometimes it takes a day or two, but when I do notice a character defect rising up, I recognize it today, never did before, Four, I recognize what it is and I also know what I need to do to stop it from coming out. See, I made a deal with God in the program. I said, God, would you please help me stop hurting people? I don't want to hurt anybody ever again. I realize that's not possible. I'm human. But I can minimize the hurt, and then I can repair the damage that I do. I'm never going to be perfect. I don't even strive to try to be perfect. I strive to be the best that I can be at any given moment, and then I go on from there. I work with a lot of people. I have a lot of people that work with me and I've discovered a very interesting thing in this program I've discovered that it's not up to me who my students are going to be I do not get to pick and choose who I'm going to get to work with not if I'm thoroughly following this direction You know, it tells me when anyone anywhere reaches out and asks for help that I must make sure the hand of AA is there. So when somebody asks, you know, Tom can I talk to you for a minute? I stop whatever I'm doing and immediately talk with them. May not have anything good to say for them. may not be able to help them at all. But yet I will take the time to listen and talk so I don't get to pick who my students are going to be because if I got to pick we'd all be in trouble. Another thing I don' t get to pick is I don''t get to pick who my teachers are going to be. Not in this life. I do not get to pick other than the supreme teacher the God of my understanding the rest of you will be there when I need you to be there as a direct result of him putting you in my life when I needs and then you will be my teachers I don't know if the man was one day I don' t know if the woman was six hours I don''t know if If a man with 40 years is going to be my student or my teacher, I learn from all of you as long as I'm open and willing to learn. You know, this is a wonderful, wonderful way of life. The theme of this conference is called A Design for Living. That's exactly what the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is for somebody like me. It is a design for living. It tells us that these are meant to be suggestions only. If you're new in the program, have quite a few years, I don't know. You know, I would tell you this. Do not treat any part of that big book as a suggestion only. Treat it as a must. I must do these things. You know, once again, we're getting a little short on time. Jim Murray told me I only had so long to talk, so I've got to get that off. I'm sorry, Jim, broke your anonymity. Jim and I drank together. You want to know what kind of a really nice guy I was? Ask him, he can tell you. You know. Hopefully today, I'm starting to become somebody else. I believe today that I have been on a journey. and that journey is simply this I'm starting to become what the God of my understanding always wanted me to be all along instead of what I thought I should be or what I though you wanted me to be I'm trying very very hard to become what he wants me to be. Thank you very much and a great conference Thank you.