The Buzz of Being Comfortable Being Earl – Earl H.

My name is Earl and I'm an alcoholic. Hi everybody. I want to thank Stephen Guy for the honor and the privilege of speaking here. It's a delight. And I wantto thank Sue for your talk. I hate it that you got me emotional right before I got up here. I was sitting over there thinking about the Lakers think about the Lakers I don't even care about the Lakers that was wonderful, thank you and it's really nice to see some of the people that I only see here it's great to run into the faces Jim's over there, Ava's over there everywhere, my friend Carl came down, Kathy's sitting over there, or me sitting over there, you know, all the kids. I mean, it's a blast to come down here and hang out. There's Joe hanging out with people that I don't get to see anyplace else, and you get to be with them. You know, a year goes by, you Know, Rob and Darren are over there. You Know, it is to see the, they showed up with Chase this time. And if you haven't met Chase, you got to. You meet her and she owns you. She's a year old. It's their baby, their new baby. And just watching the changes and the things that happen in people's lives and how they come back here, staying sober, staying clean and sober, doing the thing, you know what I mean? And coming down and celebrating it, you know, celebrating it here, watching and knowing that every time I come down here, the first thing that's going to happen of any particular substance is going to be that Paul is going to get up and do the attitude adjustment, you now, and I tune right in and I've heard it a hundred times, and I hope I hear it a thousand more, man, because I just love it every time. I mean, he gave a, you know, a great talk. Stand up, Paul. Stand up. Stand up for me. Seriously, Seriously, Paul's one of my heroes. I didn't come in here... I didn' t have any heroes when I got here. I didn''t have any. When you have a hero, a hero exemplifies something that you want in your life. You know what I mean? It''s a manifestation of your hopes, your dreams, your goals, your aspirations as a human being. Something you want to strive to be. I didn ''t have anything like that when I came here. None of that. Now I''ve got people like Paul in my life that I can look to and think. That''s an example that I want to follow. Okay. So, they have a note here for me. Okay. I started drinking when I was 12 years old. I want to get sober so fast. I, I started drinking when i was 12 year old and the reason I started drinkin is somebody said would you like a drink? And I said well yeah. Actually they asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint. They said you want to smoke we join? I said, yeah. And I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. You know, I didn't know what it meant. I just, uh, I had been launched out into the universe on my own. I was 12 years old. I've been shipped off to boarding school. Um, what it felt like was that my family had just thrown me away and they knew me better than anybody. AndI didn't know why they were doing that. I didn' t know what was so wrong with me that they would want to get rid of me. Andi was alone in the world and I had, I ha d no idea how to do anything. I had no tools for living. I hadno idea what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be, how I was supposed to act. Because apparently the way I'd been doing that wasn't right. And I had gotten into a fight with the biggest guy in the high school. I was the littlest and the youngest. And the biggest guy found me. And we... I wouldn't really call it a fight. He called me a punk and slapped me in the back of the head. And then I hit him. And he said, you have a lot of guts, kid. And they beat the crap out of me. And so I had wandered back to my room and word spread across this boarding school that you've got to watch out for this little Hightower kid. He's a maniac. He attacked Tiny, was this guy's nickname. So, I mean, it's just the hole's getting deeper for me. You know what I mean? There's no... None of this has anything to do with who I am. I'm a frightened little boy. That's all I am, but now I get this reputation as this wild person, right? So the cool guys come around, and Matt and Steve, and Matt says, you want to smoke a joint? And I say, well, yeah. And off we go and we pick up Steve and Steve's got the Tupperware container full of cheap red wine, you know? A little mad dog, right? Over behind the dorm and he takes a hit and I just do what he does with the joint and two total strangers, Steve and Matt, you now? Launched out into the world, no tools for living and I hand it to Steve and here comes the wine and I pull on the wine and this is going around and I don't get it. I don' t know why we're doing this. And I mean, it happened. The thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred for the first time in my life. And I got this warm feeling down all over me, and I knew, man. I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with for the First Time in My Life. Everything was okay. Everything was in sync. This is good. This very, very, very good. And I don't know. I mean, all of the things about, you know, you're going to smoke a joint and commit murder. You're going smoke a joint and be shooting heroin by 4 p.m., you know what I mean? All of those things just went away, they went away. This is a good thing, they lied to me because apparently there's a shortage of these things and they're saving it for themselves, you know? They don't want me to get mine and I'm on this now, right? And I mean, I didn't know, is it the pot, is that the wine, you know? Is it the fact that I'm standing here with my two very best friends, Matt and Steve. I was bonding, you know? I loved them. And I didn't know, and I didn' t care. I knew I'm doing this as often as I possibly can. There's no downside to this. It's just this wonderful feeling of ease and contentment that I had never known. I was restless and irritable and discontented long before that. And I did, and drank and used on a daily basis no matter what for the next 16 years at the expense of absolutely everything in my life. Everything. 13 was pills, any kind of pills. And they said, you know, a guy came to me at a party. He said, would you like a couple of these? And I said, well, yeah, I would. And he gave them to me and 20 minutes later I was laying on the floor and I was very, very happy then. And all I wanted to know was what do you call those? That's all I want to know. And I remember for a long time what you call those. It was just two-in-all, you know, second-all Placidel. You know, I got strung out like a wild man on all that. Then came, you know 14 with psychedelics. Girl said, would you like to drop some acid? And I said, well, yeah. Having no idea what that meant either. And she took out a lipstick tube and she spun the tube, the lipstick up and on the end of the tube was this little tiny pill. It was a very tiny pill I'm used to the horse caps, you know what I mean? And so I just took it And I popped it in my mouth and swallowed it. And she said, did you take that whole thing? And I said, well yeah, it was a very tiny pill. And she says, that was three hits of white lightning. Which meant nothing to me. Apparently meant a lot to you. You know what I'm talking about. The lady over there went, oh no, you don't do that. Next two days were very interesting. you know little glimpses of reality occasionally found myself kind of came out of like a blackout and i was with this girl debbie debbie was 15 and a half it's a bad girl debby was 50 and a half and an older woman she was i was 14 she was 15.5 and she was uh um i had such respect for her man this whole new world for me and we ended up in this market and in the market shopping We had a little cart And there were a few items in it I don't know where they came from And we were walking down the thing And I looked over at her and I said Do we have children? And she said Yes And I said Then we're going to need these diapers right here And kind of phased back out And I don' t remember a lot But I'll tell you what Early in my sobriety Going into a supermarket took a real commitment on my part. You know what I mean? It was like I'd stand in the parking lot with my little list, it's like, I'm going in. They spook me still. The lights in them, the rose, with everything perfect, you know. I can never go in at Gelson's, which is like a real high-end supermarket, you know, and you go and you take a can off the shelf and a little guy runs in and puts another one right back. Everything is just really perfect in there. We've all seen the abandoned shopping cart in the market. I understand that guy, you know, it's just too many decisions. I'll come back and do this another time, man. Forget it. I know, I know. Um, so anyway, you Know, 15 was, uh, she started shooting drugs big simply because I was at a party and this woman said, would you like me to stick this in your body? And I said, well, yeah, I would. And she did. And I just did one of those headers, you know what I mean? Just that, it was a good shot. And all I remember thinking on the way down was, oh yeah, man, that's going to work. Yeah, we're going to write that one down because that's, we need to keep that. So I mean, and I'm talking about drugs and identify as an alcoholic and I apologize to any pure alcoholics. I don't do this to offend you, but just telling you my story. And I must tell you that the reason I say that is because there was only one thing that was on the table every single day for me. I was a child of the 60s. The drugs were our way of differentiating and breaking away from our parents. Our parents were the alcoholics, and we were not going to drink ourselves to death. We were going to kill ourselves in a whole new way. This was clearly our goal. But the facts remain the same. When I look back at my life as a result of inventory work, I see that I was not a specialist. My drug of choice was what do you got? Because if I can get enough of what you got in my body, it's all anti-oral medication. It'll kill the fear and I can be in the world. It doesn't matter what it is. I mean, I prefer to go down. Heroin, opiates, barbiturates, alcohol. This is the way for me. Heart and lungs working, nothing else going on. That's the place I like. I like that. But if I go to connect and none of these things are available, but we have cocaine, let's go, right? We're not going down. Fine. Then we'll go up. I don't hesitate because it's not about a particular direction. It's about getting out of right here, right now. Cause right here and right now is my life right here. And right now, right here in right now is my absolute terror filled state of being. Here is my self-centered fearful place. And that's the only thing that was on the table every day. I mean, it was heroin. One day It was cocaine the next, it was quaaludes the next It didn't matter, whatever was available There was enough of it, we'll do that Only thing on the table every day was a bottle of booze Alcohol was on the Table every single day And the reason for that, for me, is very simple Drugs are unreliable And alcohol is Very, very reliable Right? There's no quality control going on out there on the street There is no stamp Of approval on your balloon you know what i mean it's just not there right it's not there but you don't know what you've got till you get it in your body you get yourself a fifth of jack daniels or a quarter gen you know what you got you know you can rely on it so it's always there so that when you screw up with the drugs the booze will get the job done so much cocaine you can't get your mouth open anymore and you just got to the party. You just got there. You've way overshot the mark again. So you grab the gin and you suck a little gin down through your teeth. It'll loosen you up and you can get right on with the party Booze is reliable Not enough heroin to get you to that cool, quiet, dark place Don't worry about it Jack Daniels will get you the rest of the way He'll get you there He'll get you there. Acid's a little too spooky, don't worry about it. Jack will ease you back into the comfort zone and just start sucking on that bottle, man. You'll be all right. And in the end, for me, it was booze. That's what it was for me because I needed a reliable substance because I was dying. And I needed it. And alcohol provided that for me. I used three, four grams of cocaine a day to keep me on my feet so that I could keep drinking. And when I'd get so sick I couldn't drink anymore, I'd eat about 150 milligrams of Allium just to keep from seizing up, just to get me smoothed out enough to where I could go back to drinking. It was never, ever, ever For me about getting sober Ever It's not on the list Things to do Eventually we're going To have to get sober No I'm not No I am not Okay how bad it gets So 15 was needles 16 was mental institutions I dropped out of high school Went to my first nut house Three months of observation A year of rehabilitation And all I did Was sit around And take three cups Of pills a day Get my shot For acting out My treatment plan Was find a new way To act out every day So that you can Get the shot that was all I was interested in and you're just shuffling around in the hospital for weeks on end and finally they decided to escape and they had those lit up exit signs green ones and that said it for me that summed up the whole thing for me the exit, that's all I want to do so I was sitting in lunch one day with Kilday KildAY was the woman I had lunch with in the nuthouse every day because KildAy was insane and very entertaining all you had to do was sit down with her and say KildY how you doing And boom, man Kilday would spin Every day was like dinner and a show You just eat your little meal With your plastic spoon And you watch Kildays just flip So I used Kildey as my diversion And I got Kildash Spun Kildy off in that direction I was going to escape I was heading for the door And I was in my seat Like ready, ready, go And I'm hauling ass That's all I got. And you've got to learn. I didn't know at the time, but this is known as the Thorazine Shuffle. And that's what the little three cups of pills a day is about. And if you don't get out before they get the Thorazing in you, you're leaving when they say. It's just that simple. And you're hauling ass, sliding across the floor, and you hear from the nurse's station, Lou, when you've Got a Minute, do you want to grab Earl? He's making a break for the door. And Lou's in there eating a sandwich going, yeah, yeah, I'll get him in a minute. And I'm very upset So the second time I got thrown in The mental institution I escaped the first day I just In the intake process And I said You know It was rough out there I'm really really glad You caught me It's really bad I don't know what I'm doing I really need your help Hey look at that Out the door I go Shooting out the back Running across a field Looking at a 12 foot Ivy covered chain link fence I'm 16, 17 years old At the time Intern right on my tail I'm thinking Now at this point I mean, I'm a high school dropout. I'm an alcoholic. I'm at any moment hopefully an escaped mental patient. That's me. That's my resume. This is what I have to say for myself. And I'm thinking if I make that fence, I don't have a problem. I don' t have any problems. Because I'll be loaded in 20 minutes if I hit that fence. And you see the thing is that I know who I am. I know Who I am and I drink and use no matter what. Given a good reason, I do not stop. That's what differentiates me from the problem drinker. You give a problem drinkers a good reasons to stop, they actually do. Problem drinker gets another drunk driving charge, goes before the judge. And the judge says, you know what? I'm sick of you. I see you one more time. You're due in a year. You're doing a year? We're not going to talk about just a year! We'll discuss it at the end of that year. That's it. Problem drinkers go, well, you don't want to go to jail for a year... Actually stops drinking and driving. Me, I just start wondering what it's going to be like in jail. I'm going. I know I'm gone. That's thank you for the information, Your Honor. off pencil in the ear here because I'm going to jail because I can't break it down like that. That doesn't work for me. I wake up, I have feelings, I get loaded. That's what I do. I use any feeling known to man. I got sober. I didn't know. You get depressed, it lifts. You gets happy, it'll go away eventually. You'll get sad, you'll get over it. I didn't now. I get happy, I drank. I never made it to the end of a feeling. You get happy? You drink? I'm happy, let's drink. I'm a little depressed, what are going to do? I'm going to go have a couple of drinks. That's what the brain says. I love that, that my brain said that. My brain, I love that. A couple of drinks. How many times in your life have you said a couple of drinks? I've never had a couple de drinks in my life. I've ever had that. Never had two drinks. The only reason you have a couple of drinks is because you're waiting for them to bring you another couple of drinks. It's just waiting to get the thing, get the engine up to speed, get things moving so you can do what you do. So anyway, I made it out of the nut house. I spent three years out on the street. I'd do what you do to stay loaded every day on the streets. That's what I did. I met this woman at a party. We talked for 20 minutes, so we were in love. It went well. I decided I couldn't just be some maniac teenage drug addict running around the streets of Los Angeles and have this relationship, so I decided that I needed to do something with my life. So I went on an interview for a business college in Northern California and got accepted based on the interview. Now, I didn't even have a high school diploma. Details. details. Went back to my father, said, give me a check for a year's tuition and I'll leave town. He said, terrific. Wrote the check, handed it to me. We piled all our belongings on eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck and drove to Northern California to hire learning. We got a little apartment. She got a straight job. I was going to school during the day. I Was working on my GED at that local high school. I gave him a check four years tuition, said transcripts are in the mail. They said, no problem. And became a drug dealer. And what else was I going to become? It's the only thing I knew anything about. And I had no morals. I had no ethics. I have no sense of family. I had no sense of community. I didn't know about any of that stuff. I just knew that I was in the world and I needed to take care of myself and I was an angry frightened young man and this is what I needed to do. Became a drug dealer. I was studying marketing, production, distribution in the school and I'm applying this to my business and business is booming. You know, I've got royalty from out of the country buying from me. It's crazy, man. Business is going great. I think I have a good life. I got rid of the woman. Had to get rid of her. She was saying things like I'm too high. That's wrong. So we had to send her back to LA and I got to use the way I get, I get to use. And when I was 20, I got diagnosed to have malignant cancer. So they flew me back to L.A., did major surgery on my back, putting me in the nuclear medicine program and told me I was going to die, told my family and I was gonna die and blah blah blah. And I just remember thinking, you don't even know who you're talking to. You know? It's not like I got any plans. You know? it's not, like, there's something out there that I really want that I'm not gonna get if I die young. I mean, I remember being 19 years old and dating this girl and I walked into her house when I was walking back to the house up to a room and she was sitting in a room talking to her mother and the door was open and I could hear the conversation. And her mother said to her, I don't want you getting too involved with Earl? He's not going to be with us much longer. I was 19 years old, and I remember thinking, good advice. That's good advice! I mean, I wasn't handling things well. Anyway, they put me in the nuclear medicine thing, I hated that, so I just quit. And I beat the cancer thing. I beat it. I went back up to school, I was in school, now I'm a junior in college, I've got an early acceptance to go to USC Law School, I'm editor chief of my college newspaper. I mean, I'm looking good out here. I'm dying inside already and I'm 20, 21 years old at this point. My mother calls me and says, we'll go anywhere you want to go as a family. We've got to put this family back together. It's I'm the mother, my job, you, your father, your sister and I, we're getting together. We're going wherever you want for your birthday. We are going to sort this thing out. I said, fine. I flew back to LA and on my birthday, we took off to fly to Guadalajara. And on the way down, the plane crashed. And my mother and my father and my little sister were all killed. And I was not. And I woke up on this mountain in Mexico. I was just outside of Los Mochos, Mexico. I guess that's not too far from here, is it? Five hours away by car? Yeah. That's weird. And i woke up in this mountain and my skull was fractured, my back was broken in three places, leg wiped out, arm wiped out paralyzed on the waist down, couldn't move, awake and my mother was laying right over there and my little sister was laying right over here and I watched them all bleed to death right in front of me. There was nothing I could do and I had a chat with God and I said you know what I have no interest in a God that would take somebody like my little sister Kimberly who's 15 months younger than me she was my little sister. She was mine. I raised her. When she wanted to know about boys, she came to me. When she want to know where to go to school or what to do with school, she came to mean when she had a problem of their friend, she came to make. I loved being her big brother and she loved me being her big brother. And I think that the reason to this day that I'd like women is I take no credit for that in my life at all. It has nothing to do with who I am as a human being. I didn't get anything right the whole way but I had it on my mother was a fantastic woman and my little sister was a a fantastic girl. And they loved me unconditionally, and I knew it. I knew it. And I could never feel that from anyone. And they loved no matter what, how insanity was going on in my life. It's just, you know, my brother's crazy, but I love him. And when God took her instead of me, on the one hand, I had no interest in a God that would do something like that, and renounced God. And walked around for years with a thing they call survivor's guilt. I had not right to be on the planet and I knew it. And I lived accordingly, that I have no right to be here anyway, so what I do is pretty much irrelevant, you know, it doesn't matter what I'd do. And some guys came up and they scavenged the plane wreck, and they took the money out of my wallet, and they'd scavenge what they could get, and then they went back down the mountain, and they left me up there to die. So I had no more use for you either. I was out of the game. No God, no trust or love or respect for my fellow man. I'm out of the game. I have no more need in my life to go to law school or do this little thing over here, do that little thing Over here to just kind of get you to be somewhat appeased with who I am and how I'm living my life so that you'll just leave me alone. Let me drink and use the way I want to had no more needs for that anymore. My life is about drugs, alcohol, violence, get the money to get the above, get the sex, do whatever, use, just use, use you, use your money, Use your drugs, use your alcohol And if you didn't want to discuss any of that with me Then get the hell out of my face, get out of My way Because I'm moving on to the next person I was very clear of purpose I was a rageful, angry, terribly frightened Damaged, wounded little animal And some guys came And they finally came up Some more guys came up They took me down from the plane crash They took Me down to a medical station They tagged My toe And sat down and smoked cigarettes And waited for Me to die And I didn't and then they finally took me to the hospital and it was a place called Hospital Fatima in Los Moches it wasn't even a finished hospital yet but that's where they took me and they worked on me the federal police showed up because of another little matter, me having been in Mexico before doing things we're not supposed to do and they came and they interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days wanting to know what I was doing in Mexico, wouldn't give me anything for paying every time I wouldn't get them the right answers They'd sit me up in the bed, and they hadn't fixed me yet. So I'd just pass out, and then when I'd come to, they'd start talking to me again. So that was an interesting three-and-a-half days. That kind of changed me, I think, that experience. And finally, I called up a buddy of mine that I was in business with up in Northern California who called his family in Mexico City, and his brother flew their company plane as close to Los Mochis as they could get, drove in, we paid off a few people, they plastered me from the neck down, threw me in a car, drove me, put me on a plane, and flew me back up to L.A., and I got an ambulance and ended up in St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica, where I stayed for a long time. They told me I may or may not walk, I'd have a withered left hand, and I'd be blind in my left eye, and that I was very lucky to be alive. And I remember thinking, oh really? Lucky? Kind of hard to look at it that way. And I went, and I used like a beast in the hospital. I mean, I was getting maximum doses of Demerol every three hours around the clock, and I had a great story and I was working it to get what I needed. And I just kept going and going and going and doing and going. Got out of the hospital, three hours and 20 minutes later I needed to connect because I was sweating like a dog, angry, and completely alone in the world as far as I could tell. I couldn't make a connection with another human being. And I went on my last run and it lasted for four and a half years and it was insane. By the time I got sober, I drew a sober breath three times during that four and half years and they were for 72 hours each and it wasn't because I was strapped to a table. They wouldn't let me up. And that was it. I could not drink or use. They wouldn'T let me, and that was when I was sober. And every time I got off that table, having been through that 72 hours, I swore I'd never drink again as long as I lived. I knew I was an alcoholic. I knewI was a drug addict, but I didn't know what that meant. I knew the word. I knew that I was strong. I knewthat I couldn't live without it, but I did not know what I was up against. And I would swear I'dnever drink againas long asilive when I gotoff that table because Icouldn't take that kick one more time. Not the way I was hammering. and I'd be drunk that night. I'd have no idea why. Wake up in Oakland. I don't even know anybody in Oakland and I had to wake up there or I'd wake up on Speedway in Venice which is not a good place to wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning talking to four police officers and you don't know what we're discussing. Just like, bing, Speedway Venice PD they're not happy just keep your hands where they can see them and go like this. And eventually they're going to tell you why you're here I mean, what are you going to do? You're goingto say, excuse me officers I just got here It's this little trick I do I'm here, I'm not here,I'm here I'm never a good conversation ever And It just went on and on And by the time I got sober I was 28 years old I had over 600 stitches in me I'd been stabbed twice, I'd broken 74 bones I had no place to live my family was dead I had no friends I had pictures in my head that I knew there was no way I could be sober and sane with those pictures in my hand and I had burned my life to the ground I had two doctors independent of one another tell me if you don't stop drinking this year you're going to die you have organs that are shutting down And this year, you're going to die. It was like the fall when they were telling me this. I was running out of time. I came out of one last blackout, 215 pounds, psychotic, all of those things true in my life. And both my hands broken. And I don't know what was different about that day from any other. It was just a drunk drinking himself to death. That's all I was doing. And being kept by a woman in an apartment on the boardwalk in Venice. Both of her parents had convulsed to death from alcoholism. So I was perfect for her. Because that's what I was dealing with right in front of her. and I threw up my hands, and I said, help. I can't live. I can not die. You know, there is nothing left. Nothing left. Just take me. Just take Me. And they took Me by ambulance. They pumped My stomach one more time, and then they took me to another place, and they kept Me for five more days. They said, get Him out of here. He is dying. And they put Me in a hospital, and they took M to another hospital, and they put M for another 12 days of detox, 30 days of rehab on a free bed, and I came out of there knowing the drink was to die, and if it did not want to die I better go to Alcoholics Anonymous. That was it. I did not know why I was mad at my father. I didn't know I had survivor's guilt. I didn'T have any understanding of the child within. I knew that I was an alcoholic, and if I didn' t want to die, I better go to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's it. And the beautiful way is I came here destroyed. I came to you destroyed. I had nowhere else to go, nobody to talk to, no good ideas, no stone left unturned, nothing else to try. It was over. I was completely emotionally and spiritually annihilated and physically I wasn't doing so good and I came in and I went to a meeting on a Friday night in the basement of a church, an 8.30 meeting and I sat in the back with my arms folded with my best tough guy look on my face don't come near me man mad dogging everybody you know, you look at me and it's like, yeah back off and the fact of the matter was, stay away from me not because you might get hurt But because I might get hurt. I'm terrified. I'm the one, if I tell you the things I've done, you're not going to let me stay here. No sane people would. If you knew what I was capable of, you would ask me to leave. You would tell me to live. So I sat in the back knowing I could never tell you who I was, but knowing I had no place else left to go. So I shouldn't talk to you. I should just be here. When you asked me if I was an alcoholic, I'd say yes. And apparently that's all I needed to say to stay here, so that was my deal. And I sat in the back, and the people, the guys with time knew me. They saw me, and they said, there's coffee over there, bro. Get yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat, glad you're here. And they left me alone. They didn't come up on me, because they would have been me before. I was a frightened little animal sitting back there. But every meeting's got the newcomer who doesn't see the signals you're throwing. They just see new guy, you know? So here came a guy with nine months. His name was Vegas. Vegas M. And Vegas came up and said, hi, I'm an alcoholic. And I said, so what? Me too, man. It ain't exactly the highlight of my life. I don't know what you're so thrilled about. Get away from me. And he looked at me and he said, keep coming back. You know, and a couple other guys were watching him and they went, hey, that was good. You see that? He told them to keep coming Back, man, it's good. Way to go Vegas, right? And I'm sitting there thinking, oh, great. You know? There's like a code in here. You know everybody seems to understand this keep comingback thing and I don' So one more time, I'm the loser in the room. If you're new, if you're new. And people come up to you and they say things like, keep coming back. Just, hey, one day at a time. My personal favorite, you know, just turn it over, all right? If they say that stuff to you, have more courage than I did and step up to the plate and say, excuse me, I don't understand the deep spiritual significance of turn itover. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit? If their honest, about 70% of them from my neck of the woods would say, You know what? I don't know what it means either I came in, they said it to me You're coming in, I'm saying it to you I don' t know There's a guy over there that reads the big book Let's ask him, maybe he knows Just my opinion So I sat in the back And this old timer got up 65 year old guy, skid row bum Y-no, ex-boxer None of those things I noticed it immediately, because I'm very good at this, noticing the differences. Because if I could find a difference between you and me, I don't have to listen to you. And I don' t want to listen at anybody. Because you're always saying the same thing to me. You have to stop this. That's what you say to me, in one way or another, that's what we say, you need to stop this. And I do not want to hear that, so I will find the difference, I can discount you completely. You are a woman, what do you know about me? You come up with something else. You black, Hispanic, gay, five years older, five year younger, you come up to something else. It's not better or worse, it's just a different thing you're doing, so you don't know about me. By the time I got to AA, if basically you're not Earl, you don'T know about me. I didn't listen to anybody. And here I'm sitting in the back of this meeting with the same head spinning. See, all I've addressed is the allergy of the body. I'm not drinking. I still got the obsession of the mind. I'm sittin' back there with the greater aspect of my disease in full effect. Sittin' in the back of that meeting. Not knowing that that's why we have meetings. The only reason we have meetings is so that there's a place for a newcomer to come and hear our messages of recovery experience strength and hope right that's why we have the meetings and hopefully there's somebody there that's been through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing that they can give that individual what they need to help them address the obsession of the mind the greater aspect of their disease which is in full effect when we get here that's why we do it and mine was in full effect and I sat back and this guy got up and he did two things that changed my life he shared openly and honestly about his feelings as a man and I never heard anybody do that before ever not like that not with that kind of grace and that kind of dignity I'd never seen it was just very effortless and easy for him to talk about his feelings and I got to sit back there with my arms folded with this look of you know disgust thinking wow you know I can't let anybody find out that I'm very impressed by that and then it was like he looked right at me and he said, you know what? I don't care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don't like it? Go to another meeting. Now I love that. I love that because it made it clear to me. He's not selling me something. He is sharing it with me and if I want it, I can have it for free. If I don' t want it go to another meaning. You are going to hear somebody else maybe they got what you can identify with something you can latch on to, something that gives you some hope and you can do your thing in here I thought this is cool. I'm coming back I've been coming back every day for almost 17... What's the date? The 5th? The 4th? Yeah, Wednesday I'll have 17 and a half years sober. Hanging out with you guys. No, no, no. You're just clapping for yourselves. See, that's clearly you haven't been paying attention. I've been explaining to you my best thinking. I've explained to you what I consider to be good ideas. None of them were things that said we need to get healthy. We need to get through a spiritual path. I only came here because there was no place else left to go. That's why I came here. I didn't come here because I wanted what you had. I had no idea what you have. I just knew I could no longer live with what I had. That's it. I didn' t get it. I didn''t get it and I came her sat in the back and that guy gave me something I had not had in years. He gave me hope. He gave some hope. Maybe a guy like me could stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I stayed and I kept coming back and I kept coming back and I keep doing the things that you guys suggested that a guy like me do. That a guy like me just and I knew you knew about a guy like me and they said you got to get a sponsor. I was going to seven I was going to just I was in my every day my day was wake up at hour two asleep wake up be insane get work on becoming physically exhausted so that I could get another couple hours sleep that night just wipe myself out physically go to meetings go to meetings go to meetings, go to meeting, sit in the back, not talk to anybody not say anything. I never took a chip in Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't take a cake until I was three years sober and all I said was my name's Earl, I'm an alcoholic, the miracle of my life is that I'm sober and who needs to know that as me? Thank you and sat down. And the only reason I said that was because I remembered a few, a little while earlier giving my sponsor late great Donald Madden a cake which at that point was the greatest honor in my life that he would ask me to do something like that and that is what he said exactly what he said and so I just said what he said because for the first three years of my sobriety and well into my sobriet actually for the first 14 years of my sobriete Donald Madden asked me to do something I did it I did it because Donald Madden never steered me wrong he was one of the finest examples of Alcoholics Anonymous I've ever known he was an absolutely remarkable man and I'm going to do a workshop on sponsorship at some point I'm not going to talk about him now Just said, I love him. I love Him to this day and He's not dead. He died July 25th, 1994 and He is not dead The man is alive and well and living in the hearts of many, many many alcoholics I hear people getting up all the time saying stuff and knowing where that came from They'll say some little thing and I'll go, I know where that came from. They don't even know where it came from I know Where It Came From. That was Donald Madden He's alive and wild and helping people every day, helping people Helping me today because he's in here He's in there still And he always will be. Remarkable human being. I was with him longer than I was with my parents. He saved my life because he was the only human being I trusted on the face of the earth for the first two and a half years I was sober. I did what he told me and I've done everything that they told me to do in Alcoholics Anonymous not because I thought it was a good idea not because I understood the quality of it not that I understood the ramifications of engaging certain spiritual principles certain spiritual concepts not for that reason at all. I did it because the people I saw telling me to do those things and who had done those things were leading the lives I wanted to lead. Not the great jobs, not the money, not the property, not The Prestige that they had. What I wanted was the look in their eyes. I wanted the self-respect. I wanted The Dignity. I Wanted the Peace of Mind. I WANTED TO BE COMFORTABLE ONE MORE TIME IN MY LIFE, standing where I was standing and doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with on the Natch. I want to be comfortable being Earl on the planet. And I had never been that in my life. I wANTED THAT! And I saw guys around that had that. Guys that looked me right in the eye said, how are you? And when I told them they were listening to me. When I asked them how they were they'd say to me I'm great. And I'd say yeah but your son just died. And they go yeah and I'm in pain over that but I'm grateful. That they could be they could have they could be centered giving caring loving kind people in the face of life on life's terms. That they can do that. That they ca differentiate between themselves and the problems of life. That they could do that They had this amazing capacity to be right here, right now. Today my sponsor, I have another sponsor. I had him three hours after Donald was dead. Christopher and I were waiting for him to come get Donald's body. And I said to myself, Christopher, I can never be sponsored by anybody else, ever. And this voice in my head said, Get another sponsor right now, you little son of a bitch! It was Donald. I got on the phone, a name rolled by. A guy that I had seen speak when I was real new. When Donald said, pay attention to that man. He's a beautiful man and he knows what he's talking about. I said, right. And I did what he said, you know? And I called him up and I said Al, Donald's dead. Will you sponsor me? And he said yes. You know, when Al always says to me, he says, Earl, it's right here. Right here. All you got to do is get between those. So all you gotto do is give between those because they're right here right now. This is where your life is. This is what God is. This is when your dignity as a man is. This is why your respect for yourself and respect for other people is. this is where the love is and that's what you're after the loving and being loved being stable enough, centered enough, balanced enough to give love and to get it back and accept it back it's right here there is no other place there's nothing else real happening except right in there there's Nothing Else y'all alright right now? you got enough to eat, you got food you got money, you've got love you've gotta hope You got some hope right now? We're all right, huh? We're alright. How about now? Alright? We're Alright. We're All Right, man. That's where the buzz is too. I mean, it's all about the buzz, isn't it? I didn't stop being about the bus for me because I got sober. It didn't. I was a pig out there and I'm a pig in here. I'm A Pig In Here. There are several levels of buzz in here, Earl. You can go to meetings and not drink or use no matter what and that's it. And there's a little buzz there. A little bit of that. Or you could come in, you can go to a lot of meetings, you can get a sponsor, you can take direction from that sponsor, you can give commitments at meetings, you can be of service on a daily basis to other people. You can work all three sides of the triangle. The unity, the recovery, and the service. That's mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance I've sought my whole life and never had drunk or sober until I found that. And the unity and the body... Unity, recovery, service, same thing. Unity is the body, you bring it here. You bring it to the meeting. You bring the body to the meetings. I can't get sober, but we can. First step says we admitted we were powerless. We do that together. I isolate. It's not good. We do it, right? I have to be with my people. I have look you in the eye. I have come back to sober vacations a year later and see the people I haven't seen in a year and look in their eyes and go, Wow! You did some work this year, huh? You did som work. And I can see it. I can' see it in me because I'm in here being me every day. I don't see the process and the change. I can se it in you. Coverage of the mind I've got to work the steps Deal with the greater aspect Of my disease You know that if I The recovery Relieving me of the obsession Of drinking juice Relieving Me of that Rid of it That's why I work the Steps That's what they're there for To deal with the obsession Of the mind Step one is What's the problem? Lack of power Is my dilemma If lack of power Is my problem It's my solution Step two Power greater than myself Going to restore me To sanity Relieve me Of the obsession Of drinking That's great What should I do? Better make a decision To do something about it Get out on my knees through that third step prayer. Get back up and immediately embark upon a plan of rigorous action that's going to make that happen in my life because all I've done is believe that it could happen. Now I've got to go get it. How do I get it? I get if I deal with me, God, and you. Me, God and you, in that order. Four and five is me. Swallow large chunks of truth about myself doing a four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. Six and seven, I hook it back up with God. Ask God to remove the defects of character because I'll remove the wrong stuff. I will. I'll say, here, this one's for you. but I will be holding on to this right now because I'm really enjoying it. Next week we'll talk, maybe we'll do a swap, I don't know. I'll do the wrong thing. So let God do that. Eight and nine, I hook it back up with you. I clean it up, my side of the street. I don' t care about what's going on on your side of street because it's not my business. I'm very, very sorry. Here's your money. Get back in the house. That's what I do. Ten, eleven, and twelve, keep me in the game. Same things, me, God, and you. Ten, me. I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, I promptly admit it so I don't develop resentments faster and die. Eleven, I seek God. I seek god through prayer and meditation. I pray for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. That's what I pray voor. That's it. No more deals. I don' t cut deals anymore. Sell myself short every time. And I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. So I do that. My current sponsor is big on that. He was the one that directed me to get deeper into that aspect of my program. So I have. Twelve is the third side of the triangle. Unity is the body, I bring it here. Recovery is in the mind, I work the steps. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of that, the third sign of the Triangle is service. I can be of service. I can address my relationships with other people coming from a place of how can I help? Not because I'm a good guy, but because I want to stay sober. My purpose in life is clear to me. I didn't have one when I got here and I got one now. My job in life is to carry the message and practice these principles. to be of service to the alcoholic in need inside and outside of these rooms and that's what I do and then to go out into that world anonymously and to take that attitude and those spiritual principles and that moral ethic and take that out into that room and do exactly the same thing it's not a club it's about being in the world it's all about being able to be in the real world comfortable as Earl and I got to work with new guys I sponsor a lot of guys I sponsor a lot of guys people always say how can you sponsor so many guys How many guys do you sponsor? I said, I don't know. What do you think? I said I don' t know. 30, 40, 50. I don''t know. So how can you keep track of all those? I said. I don ''t have to keep track of them. It's not my job to keep tracking them. It's their job to call me. I'm their sponsor and they call me They call me How are you doing? I said good, I'm great. How are You? And they say Well what should I do? I said I don'T know What are You doing? What do You want to do? Well I'm having a problem Really? How do You feel about it? Do You want to hear the facts about it No. None of us ever got drunk over the facts, get drunk over the feelings. How do you feel? I'm frightened. Ah, now we're talking. Let's get into that, man. Let't work on that. Let's see what's going on there. How to deal with that kind of fear? What are you gonna do with that kinda fear? How do ya get out of yourself? You know, what are the things that get you through the low points in life on life terms without creating any wreckage? Cause the shit's gonna hit the fan sooner or later. I don't care how well you orchestrate your life. Something's gonna happen. Somebody he loves is going to get sick. Somebody you love is going die. Somebody you love is going to tell you they don't love you anymore. You're going to get sick. Somebody is going to take your job away. All that money you got, it's going to be gone suddenly. What are you going to do? Drink? No? Deal with it. Deal with it. Get the big picture. Understand that you're living in a state of grace. We're all going to be dead soon. I'm going to have this moment. I'm going to live right now. I've been in love. I've had relationships end. I've heard people that I love dearly die. I've head guys that I've worked with and given them everything I got and look at me and say, I don't think so. Go out and drink and die. I've hit people that love murdered. All this stuff. It hasn't occurred to me to drink through any of it. The reason it hasn't occurred to be to drink is I've done the 12 steps and I've restored to sanity. I've relieved of the obsession to drink and use. Because Alcoholics Anonymous works. Because this stuff works. It really, really works And I've got to remember When I work with these new guys I've gotta remember that they're new guys I've been here 17 years I'll go sit in a meeting And I'll listen to somebody like Al talk Or I'll Listen to Somebody Like Paul Talk Or I'LL Listen to Some of These Other Guys Icons and AA These guys that have just been carrying the message for so long And they've got this thing on such a level They've either gotten it so simple Or they've gotten it So surreal That it's amazing And I listen to these guys And I'll go get little Eddie And Eddie's got 90 days And I hear Al's talking And I'm taking Eddie And I go and I get Eddie And we go to the meeting And Eddie, we're going to go hear Al Great So we go and we go into the meeting And we sit down And Al gets up to speak Al is kicking ass, man Al is on Al's throwing the pearls out there, man Left and right And I've been sitting there thinking Isn't this amazing? 17 years I get to hear this and understand this and here's Lil Eddie with 90 days man being exposed to exactly the same thing I feel so honored to be a link in the chain that brings this amazing information to Lil Eddie at 90 days he's getting the same thing I got at 17 years it's amazing well what I forget is Eddie's having a fundamentally different meeting than I am we're not having the same meeting we're listening we're all listening to the same speaker and I gotta remember what I was like when I had 90 days going to Ohio Street on a Saturday night trying to get to a meeting. And pulling up in the parking lot at the meeting, okay, we found the meeting. We found the meaning. Good, good, good. Park the car. Park the card. Go on. Put the keys on the seat. Put the key on the sheet. Put the Key on the Seat. Where are you gonna put the key? Where are your gonna put key? There's a guy with a red coat. We'll go by the guy with the red coat and sit with the guy in the red coat and put the Key in the key. Good, walking around, walking around. Walk around, walk around. It's gonna start any minute. Don't worry. Just keep walking. Just keep moving. Keep moving. Here comes the guy. Here comes the guy. How you doing? I'm fine. How are you doing. I'm Fine. How're you doing I'm FINE. I'M FINE! I'MFINE! They ringin' the bell, they're ringin the bell Good, good, good. Go sit in the seat. Sit in the seat. Yeah, how are ya? Fine, fine, fine. Love to go. Fine. Good. Here comes a guy. He's talking he's down. I kinda missed all that but that's alright cause I know there's more guys coming. There's more guy's coming Here comes another guy. Here's another guy Chetrified, chetrify, chetrify. They got a book. Okay, they really saw something They really saw somethin'. I'm missing things Twelve things. Twelve things, twelve things. They have twelve things and hey, remember there's twelve things there's 12 things that seem to be a lot of important and then an A a B a C 12 things ABC 12 things NBC he's down I missed a lot of that but I got a lot of the other stuff I got it it's good it's great whoa whoa whoa it's okay it's cool he's done he's another guy he drank he drank he drank good yeah I did that I did that that's very very good he's down I didn't get a lot but that was good I like that guy I like that guy he's down he's down they're passing a basket they're passing on a basket. What the hell? Basket, basket, basket. There's money in the basket. Don't take the money. Just let the money go by. Let the money go by, good, good. Bring in a bell, break, break. We're going somewhere, we're going outside, we'll smoke, I'll smoke. Good, we will smoke. I'm fine, I'm fine. There is a bell. We are going in. Find the seat. Where is the guy with the red coat? Red coat! Where is he? Good, good! Sit, sit, sit. They are reading. The guy is not. He is reading. He is reading 12 things. I don't think he is using the same 12 things! Okay, there's 24 things in Alcoholics Anonymous. ABC, 24 ABC, 24 ABC. He's down. I didn't get a lot on that. That's fine. This guy's up. He's up, he's up! He's an alcoholic. No, that's good. He's good, he drank. Hey, I did that, I feel like that. I feel that. This is great. That guy knows how I feel. And I get to sit here and he doesn't even know. I get the beat here in Alcoholic Anonymous because that guy knows who I am. I'm here, I'm coming back. I love this, I love this, he's down I didn't get a lot but I feel good I didn'y get a lot but I feel good they're saying we're up, we're holding hands we're holding hands prayer, prayer I know there's prayer, we'll say the prayer and I would leave the meeting and I'm sped I am so emotionally exhausted and a guy would say how'd you like the meeting I would say it was great that was great and I would leave the meeting hall and I got to understand and I I'm sitting there with Al S 17 years later and I got little Eddie And he's just taking this rip on the armor off me, man. I am in the world and I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And instead of being overwhelmed with feelings of rage and anger and fear and loneliness and hopelessness that was my life for so long, I'm sitting in a meeting listening to a guy and I'm so filled with love and feeling grateful and humbled by the power of this thing working in my life and not knowing how I got here or how it happened and it doesn't matter. I'm here, I've been restored to sanity and it's all a result of the principles that are outlined in this book and I feel so good and I am so passionate about my life and I'm so fired up about being in the world and having the fun and finding the grace and finding dignity and finding love. I can't believe it. I can not believe how happy I am to be an alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous and I look down at little Eddie and I think, bro, are you with me? What do you think of that? And he looks at me and goes, It was great. And you know what? His victory is as big as mine. His victory is as bigger than mine because he's living in the same state of grace that I am and he gets his turn and he get's his opportunity to be an Alcoholics Anonymous and find his own way who Eddie's going to get introduced to is Eddie and he's going find out that Eddie's alright. Because I got introduced to Earl and there was no way I was going to find out Earl was alright But you know what? Earl's all right. I'm having a very good time being Earl. I'm Having a Very Good Time Being a Member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm Havening a Very good Time Being Carl's Friend. I'm Haveing a VERY Good Time being Steven Guy's Friend I'm haveing a very Good Time Loving Ava. You know what I mean? I mean, guys like me don't get to have a sense of family. Guys like me don't Get to be in the world. We just don't. Everybody says to me, when you shave your beard Every once in a while, like I came here with a full beard, right? And I shaved this side stuff off this morning just for the hell of it. And somebody said, how come you don't shave the gray part out? You shave the stuff with no gray out and you leave the thing with the gray. Why do you do it that way? And I said, because the gray is a victory. Guys like me don't live to get to have gray hair. And I got some gray hair and I'm very happy about having that gray hair, I love that gray hair. And so, I mean, the good times ain't wasted on me, man. I'm having a very good time being in this world. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, congratulations. There was a huge buzz in this room. I got my buzz. I'll share any of it. Any of my buzz I got. Carl's got the buzz. Steven Guy got a buzz. Paula Max got a Buzz. Annette the Jet got a buz. Millie got a BUZZ, man. Millie was my mother the instant she met me. Just started mothering me. Right? Somehow she knew there was a little kid in here running around and she just kind of went, You, come here. Right? And you know what was really wonderful about that? I didn't hesitate to let her. She's clearly a mom. I'm going with Millie. I'm coming in because I love Millie, right? I mean, Scott's going to rip you a whole new buzz a little later. The other speakers, I mean there's amazing stuff going on around here because there's just worlds within worlds within world and this goes so far past my drinking and using it's unbelievable. It's a design for living. There's a way of life here. And it is such a wonderful thing. I mean look at us. It's like a bunch of dead people sitting up looking at me in a club made in Mexico. At a club met in Mexico And we're having fun. These people, we don't drink. These people in here say, you know what? These people have a lot of fun, man. We have a ton of fun. We have fun. And we don'T break a lot OF shit while we'RE doing it. That's enough out of me. I love you to death. Thanks a lot.