The Breakthrough from Terminal Uniqueness – Steve M.

We're going to have a five. Woo! What's your name? Hi, Rick. Congratulations. And now, I would like to introduce our main speaker. Can we have some quiet, please? Our main speaker tonight is Steve M. My name's Steve. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. Hi, Steve. You know, I was thinking it's real important for me to be able to say that because when I got to this program, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was a dope fiend, you know, and I didn't have a problem with alcohol and I Didn't have A Problem With Drugs. The problem I had was that I was terminally cool, you know? And it was killing me, man. And I think about that a lot because, you know, it shows me that I've grown. You know, that I have grown since I have been in this program. I look back on my childhood, you now, and I hear people talk about the problems and the difficulties that they had when they were growing up. It wasn't really like that for me. It was pretty normal. There's four other kids in the family. I'm the oldest one. Two of the four are in the fellowship. There was nothing traumatic about when I was a child that I've uncovered yet. I've uncovered some things in inventories that could have been different, but I believe sincerely, man, that my parents did the best that they could do and they did a good job. The problems for me came, I don't know, when I was about 15 or 16 years old and that was a couple of years ago in high school, I started drinking alcohol. You know, nobody was using drugs then. So that gives you an idea of, you know, how long ago it was. There were no drugs in the school that I went to. We used alcohol. You know? That was the drug that we all used. And it was acceptable and after the football game on Friday night or whatever, you know like you were supposed to go out and get drunk and make an ass out of yourself. And that's the way that you were accepted. That's the way that I was accepted with the people that I ran with in school. I remember the first time that I got drunk. I got real sick, and I made a fool out of myself. And the next day, we all talked about what a good time we had. And we continued to do that on a weekend basis until I graduated from school. That was in 1964, and I continued to drink periodically. I didn't drink on a daily basis for the next couple of years, and it just happens that I was brought up in the time when the Haight-Ashbury thing in San Francisco blew wide open, you know, and it was all about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and a lot of people were getting loaded. The trend of the late 60s was to turn on. And so I started experimenting with drugs, and I just worked my way through drugs. You know, like I started with marijuana, and my value system was that I would never do this. I would never take LSD. I smoked marijuana for a while and then I took LSD so I set my value system at another level that I could never intravenously inject anything into my system. Anything that I was going to take I'd take orally. and I was able to work through that value with methadrine when I was introduced to methadrene and I stayed with that drug for a while. I was captivated there, you know. It was very, you now, it was a very involved drug I guess is a good way to describe it. You know, we become extremely involved with ourselves and I don't know, this went on for six or seven months I guess and I burned myself out is what happened. Physically and mentally I was really burned out and as fate would have it or as luck would have it or God in his infinite wisdom had the plan for me at that time, I got introduced to heroin man and like that was 19 years ago and when I think about it, I can remember like it happened yesterday because I don't know what was missing in my life, in my physical makeup, in my emotional makeup. I don'T know what WAS missing, but I know the first time that I ever shot heroin, it put it there. Whatever it was that I didn't have, when I shot heroin I got it. and I look back on it and for a lot of years I chased the feeling that I got the first time that I ever shot narcotics and I was never able to reach that feeling again. You know, there were times when I would go over it and I would wake up in a psychiatric ward or Valley Medical Center hospital in an emergency or something but it's like I always strived for this feeling, from the initial feeling that I got the first time that I used that drug and I could never get there again. And I spent a lot of years, you know, a lot OF years out of my life trying to reach that and it was elusive, man. You know, like I could come that close but I could NEVER get to that point. And because heroin was my drug of choice for a lot of years, I got to go to a lot OF places that people that use illegal drugs get to go TO. You know, and I feel that I was, you know, afforded a good education by the California Department of Corrections and they spent a lot of time rehabilitating me, you know. And I appreciate that. I appreciate the time that they put into it. It's just that I wasn't able to respond. You know, I wasn'T receptive to their particular therapy. But it's ironic, man, because I knew I wasn' t, you get further treatment. It was like, you know, you would think that after one time and knowing that this isn't working, that you'd be able to cut it loose. But shit, I went back on four different occasions. You know, I just couldn't get enough. And I can remember talking to psychiatrists you know degreed people and they'd tell me you know what the only thing that's wrong with you is you got to stop shooting them drugs if you leave those drugs alone you're going to be okay and what i couldn't get what the point that i couldn t get across or what i could make them understand was that like it was necessary for me to use these drugs to be okay so that was the gap you know and we i was never able to bridge that gap with those people you know there was a i look back and i talked to a lot of different people you know people in suits and ties that spend 10 years in college so they can tell you that you're going to be okay if you don't you know if you stop using drugs and i believed them you know i believe that what they were telling me was right it was just that that i wasn't able to do that you know and at that time in my life i didn't understand anything about having a disease or you know being an addict and an alcoholic i just uh i just accepted i accepted the lifestyle that went with being an addict the places that we get to go the way that people talk to us you know You know, when they want to get your attention, you know, they say fuck. And if that doesn't do it, then they put a family member's name in front of it. You know? And those are the ways that people in those places used to get their attention, man. And I'm real grateful that I don't have to live like that anymore. You know, I accepted the fact that I was an animal. And I was willing to go to any lengths to be this animal. I was okay living in a cage. I was all right. I was safe there. And I think back, man, at the different times that I've gotten out of different institutions or county jails or, you know, psychiatric units. And my intentions when I got out of those places were that this time it's going to be different. You know, this time things are going to Be right. I'm going to get the right job and I'm gonna get the ride old lady and I am going to have the right kind of car and I will make it right. And I never made it right And I never knew or even dreamed until I got to this program that for those of us that are addicts and alcoholics, whatever we choose to call ourselves, it's never different. You know, that's the stark reality of it, man. It's just, it never changes. Years of your life, years of my life went by, you know, when I was on the rib, man, that it was going to change. That it would be different and it never changed. You know, and I spent a lot of time, a lot hours scrutinizing what I had done wrong so that I could get it right mentally for the next time. You know and maybe the next was going to be in 30 days and maybe the next wasn't going to last for three years. But when it came, you know, when they opened the gate again, I was going to be ready, and I was never able to change it. You know, that's the sad part or the real part or whatever. You know however you want to look at it, I know that it just didn't change man. And I kept trying to change, you know I kept believing. I believed that it would be different, that I could live a different way, and I never could. And when I was 36 years old, I had just done six months on a case and I had another case pending. I remember that I was being released from one institution and I thought that I would go home and get it right this time. When I got to receiving and released, there was a deputy sheriff from the Santa Clara Police Department there with a detainer warrant. And so I went from that institution back to the county jail on another charge. So I got there and I talked to a friend of mine, an old friend of mind that happened to be in custody on something that is not related to using drugs and alcohol. You know, he was there for other reasons. And I talked him. I knew that he was clean and that he had been clean for, you know, for a number of years. I think it was six or seven years at the time that I saw him. And I asked him, you know, I said, do you think that there's any possibility, man, that if I go to one of these recovery houses in San Jose that I might be able to stop using? And he told me, yeah, you could do it. I didn't believe him 100%, but I listened a little bit because I knew him. And I knew how he was on the street and I knew that he was clean. Now the fact that he wasn't in jail, that took away from the appeal of being clean and sober. But nevertheless I believe that that initially is where the seed was planted. So anyway, you know, I remember going to court and I asked for a supervised OR and for those of you who don't know what that is, it's, you have to be released on your promise to appear in court and anyway, that happened. And when I was on the street, I told the public defender that I had at the time that I wanted to go to a recovery house, You know, that I felt that like this, that was what I needed. That if I could get into a recovery house, I could change my life. And I knew in the back of my mind, you know, I knew about the two drug recovery houses in Santa Clara Valley for a lot of years. You know? And I, there was a reputation that went with them that in the event that you could get in there, you could beat an existing court case. So that was, you now, that's where my motivation was at. I didn't come to this program bubbling over with a desire to stay clean. I wanted to eat a few pancakes, get a couple nights rest, get my strength back together and try to figure out what went wrong last time. I was still into that thing about getting it right. I was going to be able to get it right So anyway, things worked out as they do for a lot of us. God was working in my life at that time, and I wasn't aware of it because I had sold God out a lot of years ago. I don't remember the exact time that it happened, but I can remember from when I was a little kid. I was raised a Catholic, you know, and those of you that are Catholic know that we say a lot of prayers. And I had asked for some things when I was a kid and I didn't get them. So I was skeptical about this, you know, about there being a God, about a power greater than myself other than chemicals. You know, I knew that chemicals were definitely a power bigger than myself. But along the lines anyway, the point I wanted to make was that I had sold out on any idea about God. You I had been disappointed on too many occasions. Things hadn't gone the way that I thought they should go. And I had asked them, you know, specifically like, well, you knows what? If you're so powerful, then get me out of this. And I never got out of it. You know, and I understand that now. I didn't understand it then. But for those kind of reasons, I didn' t really believe in God. But God believed in me. You know, that's where that was at. And He had a plan that was working for me in spite of myself. You know as much as I tried to get in the way and mess things up, there was a plan of action taking place in my life that was going to happen no matter how hard I tried to screw it up. So, anyway, I ended up going to the recovery house that I talked about a minute ago. And it was kind of a trip the way it happened. I was in front of a judge that I had been in front on numerous occasions that had sent me to a couple different institutions on a couple of different occasions. So we were, I think it's safe to say we were on a first name basis. You know, we were that close. And I told him, you know, about this plan that I had to go to a recovery house and he told me, yeah, you Know, I Think That's A Good Idea. You Know, You've Been Everywhere Else, Why Don't You Give This A Try? And the skepticism that he had mixed with his sarcastic attitude, I was kind of offended by it. But anyway, I was getting what I wanted so I could compromise with his sarcasm. And I went to this recovery house not that different than a lot of us go to recovery houses. I had a pair of Levi's and a couple pairs of tennis shoes and a toothbrush and the basics, man. And I look at that now and I can remember walking up the steps to that house. And the stuff that I had in that bag and where I was going, you know, to a drug recovery house was the sum total of 36 years of doing things my way, of using drugs and alcohol and trying to direct traffic, so to speak, I guess is a good way to put it. At that time, I didn't realize that's something that I've learned through this program and as I talk tonight you know I refer a lot to things that I've learned here because the longer that I'm here and I don't know how it is for anybody else in this room but from listening to you guys I know there's at least one other person in here that knows that the longer we're here the less we know you know the rest the longer that I'm in this program and the more that I come to meetings to hear about solutions, the more I realize that I don't know a whole hell of a lot about life. You know, I can remember, man, coming out of different places and like my conversation would be about, you know, what tip was on what yard or who had just got stabbed or who told on who. You know? And that's what I would talk about, man. And people out here, They don't care about that. You know, they're into life. You know? They don' t care about, you know, who's wearing red bandanas and San Quentin. It doesn' t matter, man. But when that's all you got, you know? And you're full of that pride, man, you know. And you' re full of your ego, you know it seems very important to stress to people where you've been. You know it was very important like I mentioned at the beginning for other people to know that I was a dope fiend because there was a stigma that went with that of being on top of things and all the illusions that chemicals bring to us. And I lived that illusion for a long time, man. Those of us that say we're addicts and say that we're alcoholics you know we don't wake up one morning you know and we've got a weekend in the country planned and it's raining so we're disappointed and we decide to be an addict you know this is something that you put a lot of time in and you put allot of effort into it you know anyway that time and that effort and those years 19 plus years of doing things the way that I thought they should be done had gotten me to this recovery house, to Pathways. And so that's where I was at. That's where my life was. And I went in there and I didn't know anything about recovery. What I knew about recovery was that it didn't work because I had used previously with people on the streets that had been through these programs. So that confirmed the denial in my head towards any kind of a way out. I had adapted the attitude that once an addict, always an addict type thing. And I was okay with that. But like I was saying, I had used with people that had been through these programs so I knew they didn't work. So I wasn't overwhelmed or overjoyed or bubbling over with enthusiasm about staying clean and sober. Like I said, I wanted to beat a case. You know, I didn't want to go to prison again. I had already been there a few times and I didn'T want togo back. That was my motivation for coming to this program. And I emphasize that and I emphasize it mainly for the people that are new tonight because you hear a lot of things here about honesty, open-mindedness and willingness and you've got to stay here for those things to come. Those aren't values that a using addict walks through the door with. You know, if we had those kind of values, man, we wouldn't have to come here. You know? We'd be okay. So, the motivation for me to come to this program, like I said, came through the judicial system. And what happened for me was that I stayed. I stayed here and I stayed in that house when I didn't want to be there, when I wanted to split, when I did not care if I was going to go back to the joint or not, I stayed there. And I had people come and see me and take me to outside meetings and take me to close men's alcoholics anonymous meetings and I couldn't announce myself as an alcoholic because I was too full of pride and I didn't want to hear what these people have to say they've changed the format a little bit but at that time they used to say that if you announce yourself or if you consider yourself to be anything but an alcoholic please leave the room you know that they've softened it up a little bit since then but that's how it was and I knew that I was an alcoholic because I the last year that I was on the street I didn't have any hustle left to shoot drugs so I drank you know when I drank daily and I knew would you know without a doubt that I was an alcohol and I know I didn t live on Skid Row you know but I believe in my using I was probably only one fix or one pill or one drink away from that you know and the things the value system that I had when I when I got to this program was shattered all as you know when I was talking about the different drugs and setting my system a little bit different at each stage of the game, man. Like there was no value system left, you know. Like I never told on anybody, but I was probably only one fix away from that, you Know. And so I wasn't, you Now, I didn't have the keys, the essentials of recovery that we talk about in these rooms. I didn' t have those when I got here. And if you' re new and you don' t feel like you have them, I want to tell you that it's okay, because if you stay here, you'll get them. You know, they come. God will bring them to you when you're ready for them, you know. People talk about honesty, open-mindedness, and a willingness to try, and I had a little bit of willingness, and that's because drugs and alcohol just kicked the shit out of me. You know? I couldn't do it anymore. I knew that. I knew, man, that the game was over. it had been over for a long time I just didn't believe there was a way out you know, I honestly didn't believe that I could find a way out of that lifestyle so I stayed man like I said, I stayed in this recovery house and people came to see me you know people in this room that I'm close to that I used with that I shot drugs with that I went to jail with that I knew real good were here and they were clean, you know. And Billy used to come over every Sunday, man, and pick me up and take me to a meeting in Campbell every Sunday. And I knew Billy on the street, you Know, and I knew that he was an addict like I was an adult. You know, there was no denying anymore that I was different, that I was unique, that I was terminally cool, that this program couldn't work because there was too many people here man that I knew that this program was working for that's where I made my identification, that's where I realized that there's an outside possibility that if you do what you're told for once in your life that you might be able to get out of that lifestyle, man. Making identification here for me was real important because I was a real close-minded person. I would eliminate whole races of people at a time that I didn't want to associate with, that didn't have anything that I wanted. just really into character-assassinating people, man, and just denial that anybody could feel the way that I felt. And there are people in this room tonight that have felt the same feelings that I've felt. So I was able to make my identification and that was real important for me. When I made my identification, then I started to pay attention and I quit sitting in the back and there's nothing wrong with sitting inthe back. I don't mean to offend anybody because I know the steps work back there. But I used to sit back there so I could take everybody's inventory that was sitting in front of me and if I was in the background row, I had a clear view of everybody in the room. So each person that got up, by the time they got up to the podium to announce themselves, man, I'd already bewittled them and character assassinated them within my own mind so that anything that they said, I wasn't going to hear. You know, and when I made the identification that I mentioned a minute ago, I started to listen, you know, and I started to listen, man. And I heard, you know, ladies from Saratoga come up here and talk about the feelings that I felt, you know. And it was, I can't describe, you know, what the breakthrough from that terminal uniqueness, man, from that feeling that nobody feels like i feel you know nobody has done what i've done no you know we take ourselves on a hell of a trip without one at least i did you know and that was a major breakthrough for me in my recovery because like i said i would listen to people that had never shot drugs that lived in saratoga and los gatos and real nice houses that would call the police you know if i was to come walking up their street. And I listened to these people get up at the podium, man, and talk about the feelings that I felt when I was out there using. Well, they would talk about those feelings too. And that's what I started to key into was the similarities. So now I had two things. Actually, I had three things. I had the attraction to the program. I have my identification and I was able to listen for similarities in people talking rather than always listening for the differences. Probably next in line was I became willing to follow a little bit of direction. You know, people would tell me to read the book and I tried to read the book at first and I couldn't read the book. You know, I read chapter 5 and where it talked about being constitutionally incapable of being honest with yourself. I got caught up there and I thought, well, this is why this program is not going to work for me. Now I know, you know, I thought that I had found an out. And I continued to read it anyway and I continued to follow direction and I asked somebody that I had identified with to sponsor me. And I don't know if everybody in this room has heard the phrase of the therapeutic value of one alcoholic or one addict helping another, but when I got a sponsor and when I was able to do that, when I met somebody that was willing to hold my hand, you know, to tear me off the back wall and start to walk me through this program, man, things started to happen. Things started to change for me. I started to changed the way that I felt and the thinking of an addict and an alcoholic that isn't taking anything began to change. I became more willing. I became a little more open-minded and not so damn judgmental with everybody and not eliminating people because they didn't do the things that I did. So more and more, I was working myself out of that uniqueness, that terminal feeling of uniqueness that damn near killed me. They kept me out there for so long that I almost died. So the program that I was in Was a six month minimum program And I stayed in that program For seven and a half months Like I mentioned I had a court case pending A lot of things started to change I began to read about the steps And write about the Steps And share about the Steppes With another human being And ask questions You know, like At first, man People would talk about being powerless You know And I'd sit back there and nod my head And I didn't know what in the hell they were talking about You know But I'd be damned if I was going to ask anybody You know Because it's just like I don't want anybody to know That I don' t know what the hell is going on in here You know Like I I was under the impression that That everybody in here had it together and maybe almost everybody does, but I belong to the minority that doesn't. And it's amazing when you ask somebody that is a member of this fellowship a question because they answer it. And they're willing to take a minute or two minutes or five minutes to explain to you something that you don't understand And if you came in here in the state that I did, then there was nothing that I understood. My value system and the value system that we built through working these steps were worlds apart. I didn't understand anything. I didn' t understand what powerless meant. I knew what power was and if you add less to it, and it was like the reverse of power, so it was weak. And I wasn't, how could I admit that I was weak? I didn't understand. So I had somebody that was working with me that took the time to explain it to me and to begin to walk me through the steps and my life started to change. I don't know on what day, at what point in my recovery that the obsession to use alcohol and to use drugs was removed, but I know that it was removed early on for me. And God knew that it had to be like that because I'm not the kind of an addict and the kindofan alcoholic that needed a tragedy or a traumatic experience in his life to use or drink. I just did it second nature. You get up in the morning and you get loaded before you brush your teeth, you know. And God knew that about me, you Know, and He chose to remove the obsession to take something early on in my recovery so that I was able, in fact, to recover, you Now. And when I took my first third step, there was no flashes of light, you Knew. I didn't feel that at that particular moment I had been drawn any closer to God than I was before. But in the ensuing time afterwards, in the few days afterwards, I began to feel real different about things. And the difference that I'm trying to describe is that my willingness would constantly increase, man, and I became, I was, I got thirsty for this program, you know, and I started to drive. And I wanted to put the energy into this program that I used to put into using and drinking. Now, you now, I can't say that I put as much energy at that time into it as I did when I was out there. But I know that I've put enough to keep striving. You know, I'm just doing the best I could. At that time in my recovery, I was doing the best I could. So when I got to the fourth step, the Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory, I wasn't afraid to do this. You know, I wasnít balking at it. I had been right up to it gradually and someone was holding my hand the whole time. And I was willing, man. I was willingness to do that because I wanted to stay clean now. I had put together now 90 or 95 days in a row without taking anything. And there was a time in my life when I didn't know if I could put 95 minutes together, you know, without taking any things. So I had something. I would come to these meetings and I was starting to feel a part of it because I had sobriety. You know, I had a couple little 30- and 60-day chips that I had earned, man, and I didn' t want to give them up. and that coupled with the fear that I had and I still have it to this day and today it's an honest fear and it's a positive force in my recovery but I just don't, you know I didn't believe then and I don't believe now that I have another recovery coming it took me 36 years to get to this program and I do not know if I have 36 years left to go out and come back again You know, I just feel that I've got to do the best I can do with this one, that I don't have another one coming. So it became valuable. The program was becoming valuable to me. I had put some days together. I was enthused about staying clean and I was willing to do what was required. And as I worked through the ensuing steps, you know, the first time through them, man, And there was a lot of change in my life. And when I got to step nine and I went out to make amends to my mother and father, I wasn't the same person that I was when I checked into that house. They knew that and I knew that. You know, and the promises that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about on page 93, A lot of those promises were coming true in my life. And I was enthused and real active in being able to recover because what was happening then was like I was finding a new way to live and it was a tremendous relief to know and to be able to believe and to cling on to that little bit of hope that if I continued to do today what I did yesterday, that I might not have to get loaded. And that was something that for a lot of years I never thought was possible. So when I got to Step 9, like I said, the promises started to come true for me and I had accumulated a little over seven months of sobriety and I was getting ready to leave this house and I was going back to court on the case that I talked about that I went there originally on and through working the steps, the first time through, the motives that I had originally were not the same motives now. You know, now I wanted to stay clean. I wanted it to be sober. You guys had what I wanted and I had a little bit of it. You know I had few months put together and I would go to meetings and people would get chips for years and five years and 20 years and that's where I wanted to be. And I was learning and believing and I think most importantly of all, I had hope that a day at a time I could get there. So that's what I was striving for and I went back to court on that case in front of that same judge that I had told you was a little bit apprehensive and a little sarcastic with me. He told me, You know what? I don't believe that you're the same person today that you were seven and a half months ago when you came in here and asked me if you could go to a recovery program. At that time, I wouldn't have given you a nickel for your chances to recover. As I see you today, you're a different person. And I got a suspended sentence You know, and that was different. That never happened before, you know. And when I left that courtroom, I shook hands with the judge, you know, and that Was different. That had never happened Before. Those are visible miracles, you know when you're real hard-headed. You know and in seven and a half months my life had changed in that particular area where I had my best effort in 36 years hadn't been able to change it. You know, things were different. For the first time, they were different and they didn't always end up the same way. So I left there a man and today I work in that house and today my job description in thathouse is that I go to court to represent people that are in that House with court cases pending and I go to jail and screen and interview clients to come into that house and go back in front of judges and go black in front of parole officers and probation officers that have known me since I was 18 years old and I talk to them about recovery and I talked to them about letting people come into Pathways you know, about giving them the opportunity the chance to recover and that's where God's got me today and I believe you know that that's exactly where I'm supposed to be because I believe today that I reached the point that I wanted to be at when I made my initial identification into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I was now one of those people that could be an example man that But to be an example for addicts and for alcoholics that we don't have to live like that anymore. That we don' t have to accept that kind of a lifestyle. And like I said, God has me in a position right now where on a daily basis I'm in contact with people in custody. and i stay real grateful you know it keeps me in gratitude man when i walk in and out of that county jail and they slam that door behind me and i know in 15 or 20 minutes when i get done screening somebody then i'm going to walk out the same way that i walked in it's a good feeling you know what's a damn good feeling when you know It's an overwhelming feeling to say that God is using me to be an example, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm one of those kind of people in this program that's real serious about Alcoholics Anonymous. I get up every morning, man, and I get down on my knees And I have to do that. See, I have to do that because I want to take a minute before I start my day and I want to remember exactly where I came from. Then I want to ask God to help me make it through the day and to be the best person I can be so I don't have to go back there. At night, man, you know, sometimes at night I'm tired and I'll fall asleep in front of the television set but but before I go to bed, I get down on my knees and I thank God for this day. I thank Him that I'm not living like an animal anymore. That I know today that I am a human being. That I am capable of loving people and that I are capable of being an example for my brothers and sisters that there is a way out of that life. There was 13 or 15 or 16 people that announces themselves as newcomers tonight. And I feel that it's my responsibility on a daily basis to be the best example that I can be because I might be the only example that they see that this program works and it's necessary for me to be the best sample that I am. The best example of what I can. When I look at my life today and when I end the day, like I said, I get down on my knees and sometimes it hasn't been a real good day. Things haven't gone maybe the way that I felt that they should go. I haven't been able to stay in a constant surrender. There's been conflict and there's been hassle and there has been controversy in my life during the course of that day. But you know what? For each and every one of us in this room man if we didn't take anything today then we got a hell of a lot to be grateful for and if that's all that happened today for me was that i didn't make a difference that first pill or that first drink then i've got an enormous amount to be grateful for and i thank god for that every night some days are good days some days are bad. It's kind of like if you look at it like a card game. Sometimes I use a card game to illustrate what my life is all about, man, and there's days when I get good hands and there're days when i get bad hands. But you know what? When it's over with, man I'm just real grateful that God allows me to play the game. I want to thank you very much for having me here tonight.