The Bondage of Self and the Next Indicated Thing – Matthew M.

Hello, my name is Matthew and I'm an alcoholic. I just want to start off today by saying I think that we should note that on Easter Sunday – Happy Easter, by the way – in this room full of hopeless and powerless alcoholics, there are well over 2,000 years of sobriety. I'd also like to say I was expecting fewer of you. Why aren't you home with your families? But I know in some sense that we are absolutely home with our families today here. I want to thank Jeff for being such a kind host to me. He leaves his cell phone on, Al. And I was able to reach him when I had little tiny things that I needed to know about, like where the hell is this conference and things like that. It's my great prayer before I start this speaking is that I will talk to you a lot about what keeps me here and a little about what got me here. I do feel I have to qualify as an alcoholic, and I can't tell you how pleased I am that you're not eating while I do that. i'm pleased for you um i i didn't drink a lot when i was younger i my parents were were good honest hard-working people they were not alcoholics i know um from hearing many many fifth steps in aa that that's not true for all of us but i can tell you that i want to honor my parents today because they passed on and that they were good and loving people however there was alcoholism in my immediate family. My brother, I'm the youngest of four in an Irish Catholic family and my brother, hmm, yeah, I belong here. And my brother was, uh, who was just older than me, but he's seven years older than me. I was a bit of a surprise and a Catholic family. And, uh, he was a terrible drunk and I loved him dearly. And I, my home life was very chaotic because of him, so when my friends were sneaking off and drinking early in high school, I didn't do it because I could clearly see that alcohol was his problem. However, I will tell you about my first drunk, and this is the part where I'm glad you're not eating. I went to my junior year of high school. I can't remember if it was my junior or senior year, but I went into a small Catholic school, and there were six of us that hung out, and we were the most popular guys. And the way I looked at that is there were five popular guys and me. And they hung out with me as a favor to me for 12 years they did that. And I had some issues. And we went to one of their houses in Hermosa Beach, overlooking the ocean. And their parents were out of town. This guy's parents were outside of town, and we had a Catholic school party. That's six guys and a bottle of tequila. There were no girls, which I noticed right away. and um but these guys they were athletes and i was a musician and they were cool and i didn't feel like i was and they started drinking tequila and i Didn't drink thank you because of what was going on quietly and privately and secretly at my house and um, but I just couldn't stand the feeling of separation while they were enjoying this alcohol. So I they said I'll have a drink and they poured me a shot glass and and you guys know the story. I drank that shot glass in 12 years of Catholic school guilt melted from my shoulders. It tickles me pink that I'm standing here at the spiritual breakfast on Sunday morning. I can tell you the nuns of St. James and the Franciscans of Bishop Montgomery are rolling over in their graves that I am the spiritual speaker. Thank you, Father Terry. anyway so i i immediately had this warm sensation and great feeling of love for the world because of this tequila and i went and got a quaff cup is what we called them in college big cup and i said can i have some more tequila please and uh they filled the cup up and we were having a great time i was articulate and handsome and funny and eric clapton and you know and i i decided to go down the hall to go to the bathroom and this is the first time I'd ever been drunk. And I went down the hall of this beautiful house and I walked into this marble bathroom. And this is where God first enters my story. I sat down on the toilet to go to the bedroom and the room started to spin. And my last thought before I blacked out was that God would not make a body that could defecate and vomit at the same time. And I was wrong. Apparently he designs you exactly that way. And I lurched towards the sink, and that's all I remember. And I woke up the next day on the floor of this bathroom in a sleeping bag with a pillow under my head like I had gone camping in the bathroom. and uh i've since sent all of those guys coda literature but uh but i was completely cleaned up and thought how the hell did i end up camping in the bathroom and and about halfway through that day of school it dawned on me what had happened and i was filled with remorse and shame and i've been to many many speaker meetings and i have heard people say that they took that drink that first drink they felt that feeling they got sick as a dog and they couldn't wait to do it again. And because of the balance of my home life and that incredible Catholic guilt, it just queues up, you know? I just did not want to do that again. I thought, oh my God, I'm just like my brother. And the thing is, I used to hear my brother fight with my parents and he'd disappear for weeks at a time in high school and my only thought was, how could anybody treat those good people so badly? And so I didn't drink again in high School. But then I went to Chico State. And just before I went to Chisco State, my brother got sober. He had gotten his high school girlfriend pregnant. We had done everything we could for him. We did group therapy and then tough love. This was the 80s and we put him out in his car. He lived out in this car and then he said, I've gone to Alcoholics Anonymous and I have 90 days or something and my parents said, well, you can live with us while you get your life together. and he would lie in the bathtub the summer before I went to college and he Would read this blue book And I would shave and look at him and think what could possibly be in that book That we haven't tried because look at Him. He's back He's the guy I love and admire and he's so he's doing so well And he's humble and he'S quiet. He totally changed and he was reading this blue book in the Bathtub So I went off to college and somewhere on i-5 between the grapevine and Chico, you forget all about I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore. And I hate to tell you if there's any parents who are going off to college in my first week at Chico I started drinking alcoholically. I took acid, snorted cocaine and smoked a lot of pot. Higher education. And that's just my experience. It may not be your kids' experience. This is my experience and I felt part of, I felt part of. All of a sudden all those hours and hours of practicing playing guitar in my room were paying off. There were three girls to every guy at Chico State I had a date every year and I was in a band and I was doing my thing and then it struck me that I wasn't going to class and I really I got a degree in literature. I was attempting to get a degree in literature and I realized that drinking was a problem and it started caved in on me like three months into school that I was just like my brother. And that terrified me. I did not want to do that. So I stopped drinking and I didn't know that what I was experiencing was a dry drunk until years later when I met you people. But my girlfriend at the time came and brought me a six pack and said please drink this, you are such an a-hole right now and uh who am i to argue with medicine and i um and i drank it and forgot i wasn't drinking i just was off and running so that's how it started and i'd like to kind of fast forward to how it ended because what i'm really really passionate about is the program of alcoholics anonymous and the journey of recovery and action thank you so fast forward 10 years And I had graduated from college. I learned the key to graduating with a degree in literature is to read books while smoking pot. And then when you go to class, make sure you smoke pot because you're going to take a test on that book you read while you were smoking pot, and I'm not kidding. I've learned it's like there's actually a term for this. It's called conditioned learning. When I moved into my house with my wife, she had given me a book called A Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, And it's an absolutely stunning work. And I read it, and I loved it so much, I kept waking her up to read passages to her. And she goes, I know, I knows, it's a great book. It's a good book. And by the ending page is just phenomenal. And I am moving into my house with her about a year later and I'm moving this file cabinet drawer and this paper keeps flipping on the top and I pull it out and it's the paper I wrote in college on a book called A Hundred Years of Solitude. And I didn't remember a word of it. So I'm convinced today if I smoke a joint, I would be like the CEO of the biggest company around because I'd remember all of college. I've had to struggle against a huge blackout. But anyway, so I did graduate from college and I pursued my dream and I became a musician. I became an musician which I'd always wanted to do and I worked very, very hard to do it. And I'd saved my money and I bought the correct instruments and the correct equipment and I practiced and I took lessons and I practiced and practiced and practiced because I love music. There's something about it that's indescribable to me. It just shakes me. And I ended up on the East Coast playing in a band, and they kicked me out. I was 29 or 30 years old, and I had drunk myself out of a rock and roll band. Need I qualify more? I mean, that's like Keith switches going you gotta cool out man you know so uh i was shocked when they said i drank too much and i was like are you kidding we're a rock and roll band man and uh but you know i would miss the bus and you can't miss the bus you know if you play lead guitar you need to be there and uh i would i actually stole a car once uh because i didn't i borrowed it but i just went to the next town. It had the keys in it. It seemed like a community car and I drove it to the next town to catch up with the bus and I left a very nice note about the address that I took it from and please return this car if you find it and I made it to The Bus. So, I wasn't that bad but I got kicked out and I came home and you know, I went to the East Coast. My mother who I dearly loved, was diagnosed with cancer and did not have a good prognosis. And I went to the East Coast anyway to play with this band. And when I came back, I lied. And i told everybody that I came back to take care of my mother and to be near my mother. And that was absolutely a lie. If I could have stayed away forever playing music and getting loaded every day, I would have done it if I could've gotten away with it. But I had nowhere else to go but home. I had to take a Greyhound bus with my last dollars, with all my equipment stuck in the load to get home. And I got home and I got a job that was beneath me at Marie Callender's in Hermosa Beach as a waiter. And they quickly found out that I'd gone to college and they made me a manager. And I remember when they were training me to be a manager, I thought, God, manager, that's kind of beneath me too. You know, I have an honors degree in literature and I'm a rock star, you know. what the hell am I doing here? And, uh, but I remember when they were training me to be the manager, they're like, here's the kitchen. Here's the freezer. Here is the bar. Here is the keys to the bar and then he went wah, wah,wah,wah. Keys to the Bar. And they kept talking and I kept looking at the keys and um, and this happened many, many times. I was the weekend and night manager and we served breakfast too. So on Friday and Saturday nights I'd after we closed, I'd open up the bar for the for the waitresses and myself and we would drink and they'd all go home eventually, which seemed like unbelievably ungrateful behavior. And I would drink and pass out at the bar. And and I would many times this did not happen once. I would wake up with the sun pouring into that bar with bottles everywhere. I haven't done the books and the morning managers coming down the street to open the bar so I would run through the bar and stop in front of the alarm system because I have to set the alarm for the 14 seconds that no one's going to be in the restaurant. And I'd set the alarum and run out and hide on the floor of my car, the only car in the parking lot. You know, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, and this guy was so funny. He'd pull up right next to my car. And then he'd get out and glance into my car and I'm like, I don't think he knows I'm here. And he'd go into the restaurant and clean up my mess. And right after, one of the waitresses got pregnant by me. I used to say she got pregnant. I got her pregnant through the work of Alcoholics Anonymous in a four-step. I found out I had a part in it. It's amazing what you can learn if you do these steps. But I ended up, they fired me. This job that was clearly beneath me, they fired me because I was absolutely unable to do it. And I remember that this girl had literally told me like the day before that she was pregnant. And I don't mean any disrespect to her, but if you had lined up the waitresses at Marie Callender's and said, which one of them do you want to accidentally get pregnant? I would have said, not her. Maybe her. Not her. because my perception was that she was a self-centered, spoiled Manhattan beach girl. My perception was the opposite. She was self-centred. I was 30 years old. She was 18. See, the guys always applaud. I go to men's stag meetings. I have a warped view of AA. So I got fired and I remember I had been up all night drinking when I came to work and got fired and I had a shirt on and my lame Marie Callender's manager badge and this knit tie. Remember knit ties? And I walked across the street to go to the bus station because that car had been taken away because of a DUI that I had. And across the Street there in Hermosa Beach, there's a school for autistic and mildly retarded kids, like severely autistic and mightily retarded children to adults to learn how to live on their own. Um, and I walked up to this, to this bus stop and there are about 10 or 12 of these autistic and retarded, uh, adults. And I walked off and I'm crying and I got snot coming out of my eyes cause I lost this crappy job. And I got this girl pregnant and like, what happened to me? You know? And I, I stepped off the curb to see if the bus was coming cause it couldn't come fast enough. And 12 retarded people yelled, don't stand in the street, don'T STAND IN THE STREET! and i remember thinking you know retarded people are teaching me how to wait for a bus and sadly that was not my bottom so i got on the bus and i and i wrote and i got home to my apartment and i got off the bus and i sincerely and very sincerely tried to drink myself to death I couldn't believe that this had happened, you know. My parents were married for 50 years to each other. I never heard my father insult my mother. Not once. I knew better. I knew bigger. I was raised with love and kindness and direction and I was taught character and I wasn't taught to be a man. And I was not taught right from wrong and I pawned it. I pawn the character and the lessons in life that I have learned to pay for the party. And I got to my house and I tried to drink myself to death. And there's a part in the big book, in the promises, that says you will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it because no matter how far down the scale you have gone, you will see how your experience can help others. And with that in mind, I will tell you that when that girl was eight months pregnant, I pushed her down a flight of stairs. And it wasn't because I wanted to hurt her. and it wasn't because I wanted to hurt that baby. It was because I didn't have a single feeling in me for them. I wanted to get loaded and they were screwing up my high and I tell you that because that's where alcoholism took me. I was dead inside. Absolutely dead and I had come from a rich experience. We joke about Irish Catholics' upbringings there's no more fun place to grow up than an Irish family with music and stories and love and religion. What's wrong with that? And I threw all that away because I wanted to feel good all the time. I didn't like that guilt, I didn'T like my thinking and you know how it gets once you start drinking the problems from the drinking build up and you got to drink to hold those problems pretty soon someone's pregnant pretty soon you're being taught lessons in bus stop waiting and life gets hard And my life got hard, and I tried to die from drinking. And my sobriety date is May 16th, 1993. And my home group is the Hermosa Beach Men's Stag at Hermosa beach. And about May 14th, 1983, around that time was Mother's Day. And my brother, who was sober like 12 years, called me up and said, Hey, we're going to celebrate Mother's day down at the harbor. Well, I'll pick you up. you know, I actually did buy, had bought a car. I had a $200 AMC. I've never seen an AMC since that. And I know why they're not very good cars. And, uh, but I, my brother came to pick me up and he wanted, my mom was alive, but not doing well. And he wanted to take me to a mother's day. And he said, make sure you're there. I'm going to pick you up. And I put a clean shirt on my dirty body. I'd been up drinking and doing other things, and I weighed 108 pounds. I know, I weigh 170 pounds now, and i'm not any taller. So I got taken to, my brother picked me up and went to Mother's Day, and I sat there and I had that deluded thinking that if I just talked a lot, no one would notice that my life was a mess and that I weighed 108 pounds and that I was unemployed and that I had a teenage girlfriend who was about to have a baby, and it didn't work. I didn't make any sense. They looked at me aghast but let me go. They let me go. No one confronted me. They just acted like I wasn't there, and I was so filled with shame. I love these people. I dearly love thesepeople. I had tremendous amount of respect for them, and i was the fool. I went from the golden boy to the fool, and my brother drove me home, and we got in an argument and we've talked about this since, and we don't know what we argued about. I would love to know because I felt that I had the moral higher ground and he was, you know, sober, married children going to visit mom. I used to call my mom many times and say, I'm going to come visit you mom. And somewhere between, and I live two miles away between the phone and the door. I just had to have one drink, just one so I could go visit her and i didn't go ever and i tell you that because that's where alcoholism took me i wanted to go i meant to go but after the first drink it suddenly was midnight and i'm drunk and i don't know why i did this again and i am ashamed and i thought that is alright i will call her tomorrow and i did that and i got out of my car and went into my apartment and i was so angry about whatever that I paced around my apartment and I waited for him to have enough time to get home. And I called him up and I started yelling at him. And he said, uh, he waited until I totally ran out of steam. And He said, you know, Matthew, I think you may have a problem with alcohol and drugs. AndI don't know why I said this. And without any sarcasm, this is truly the moment where God entered my life and grace entered my wife because I said to him, of course I do. And people had been telling me I had a problem with alcohol and drugs for years. I could have stayed in that band if I'd shaped up, but they didn't understand. I could've stayed in those relationships with those wonderful girls, but they Didn't understand I don't have a problem without call. What's their problem? But he said it my brother and I said, of course I do and he said I'm gonna come over don't go anywhere And I remember thinking as I hung up the phone that my brother was going to come to my house Kick my ass and I'd never drink again and that's the the downside of the irish catholic family thing i one time lent my bike to a neighbor and i never lent it to my brother because he was an alcoholic and every time i lent him something he sold it so uh i i didn't lend my bike to my father but i lent it for him and he sold me my bike and i sold it for my brother to my mother but i lend it to a neighbour and my brother saw the neighbour right by And as he beat me up, he goes, I'm family. Family comes first. So it wasn't unusual for me to think that he was going to come beat me up and I'd never drink again. And in a way, I welcomed it. I was so full of self-loathing, you know. I was such a big fan of drinking. I was just so scared of the world and hateful of myself. And then, you Know, with equal parts arrogance. And my brother showed up and I've been hiding out in this apartment. I had actually for six or seven months just stayed in the apartment. It was right next to the beach and I would sit on the couch and when someone would come up on the porch, I'd hold my breath because I didn't want anyone to know I was inside. I was afraid of them. It was a lot of times the mailman and he was putting that ugly red mail in your mailbox, you know, last notice, final, big obnoxious mail that no one brings in and I Would Hold My Breath. The one time I went out, I used to wear these surgical pants from, you remember that when they were popular, like from ORs or whatever? I don't know where I got them, but I wore them for months and I was staying home. You know, why change? And I remember I thought, you know, I live right next to the beach. I think I'll go outside on the porch and smoke a cigarette. And with God as my witness, I walked outside and a DEA SWAT team ran through my courtyard of my apartment complex. And those surgical pants became unwearable right at that second. And I had a reaction and, and they ran through my apartment complex and I stumbled back into my house and down the hall to change my clothes. And later on, I kind of talked to some people in neighborhood. I go, did you see that DEA? They go, oh yeah, there was a drug dealer across the alley. And my response was there was a drug dealer across the alley. I have to wait hours. So, you know, not, Ooh, I missed that bullet. It was like, God damn it. So this is your spiritual speaker folks. So so anyway my brother's coming to this apartment that I haven't left in a while and I'll never forget this. He walked in inhaled and goes, let's go to the beach. It was a little ripe in there. And, uh, there's, you know, dishes, what dishes? And he, I remember I grabbed a pack of Marlboro red, but I read a pack and a half of Marborough reds and went down to the Beach with him. And we sat on a lifeguard stand at Avenue way in Redondo beach. And he did this unbelievable thing. He started talking to me about how he felt when he was in high school and he was arguing with mom and dad all the time. And he started talking to me about how he felt when he got that girl pregnant, and no one wanted to support him. And he started talking to me about how he felt when he moved into his car because even his parents wouldn't let them in the house. And he started talking to me about how I felt. Now I didn't think anybody in the world knew how I felt. And the last person that I expected to know how I felt was my brother And he said it to me. He told my innermost secrets to me and I started to trust him Here he was sitting in front of me healthy clear-eyed visiting mom supporting his family unafraid And there I was 108 pounds smoking a pack and a half of marlboro reds And when I got done with all 30 cigarettes I threw up my hands and I said, all right, i'll go to aa And he laughed and goes aa Hey, dude, you're going to a hospital. And I said this to him and I truly meant it. And I go, I'm really busy. I don't think I can go to a hostel. And I meant it, I meant this. I said, well, how long are these hospital things? And he goes, I don' know, 28 days, 30 days. And I'm like, man, I'm sitting on the couch. You know, the plates will fall. The balls will fall, you know. And really, I don't know about you, but I remember crystal clear. The reason I couldn't get sober is because if I got sober, all the furniture that was spinning around the room was going to hit me in the head. All those problems that were like I was kind of going, I do not have those problems. We are going to fall in on me, you now. But I have good news from Garrison Keillor. He says, time is so everything doesn't happen at once and space is so everything doesn'T happen to you. And that's what I figured out later on in his recovery. So anyway, it took a couple of days to work out the hospital. And on May 16th, 1993, when I was ready to go to this hospital, my phone rang and they said, hey, your daughter was born today. So I go, oh, I better find that AMC. And I went looking for my car and I found it. It wasn't easy, but I found it. And I went to a hospital. It wasn'T the right hospital, butI went toa hospital. And I said, I think my daughter's here. No, no, no. But maybe you should stay. And I thought, oh, no-no. We've got important business. We're going to take care of that later. And I drove off to the righthospital. And the grace of God, I was walking in to the hospital glass doors as the parents of this teenage girl, the mother of my daughter, were walking out. and I went upstairs to this hospital room and Anna, who's my daughter's mother jumped out of bed and said come see your daughter and she put this girl in my arms and I remember thinking how could anything as beautiful as this have anything to do with me? I was a negative person I was underground I was an idiot I was liar I couldn't tell the truth even if it served me better And I looked at this perfect lovely ball of love That was yanking on something inside of me and I drew I hoped for her that I would have nothing to do with her My prayer for her was that she'd find a capable person to be her father And my sponsor says there's a moment of clarity when you know that everything is going to be all right I did not have that moment i had that moment of i am a complete piece of shit really actually and uh just self-loathing terrible terrible self-lothing bitter and incomprehensible demoralization at its at its peak and i left that hospital just stunned because i had made this and i had responsibility for this and i got into another car a much better car and was taken to the hospital i remember my parents strove me out to this hospital in Palm Springs. And, uh, it was like the first day of kindergarten, you know, they got, let me out of the car and I was like, come back. And uh, you know? And they didn't come back, they didn' t come back in kindergarten either. They're actually really bad parents. But uh, they left me there in my fear. And it was my great fear. I did not have my medicine and I did no know you people. I was terrified. And I went into that hospital and I slept for four days and I gained 47 pounds. My body was like, thank you. No more gin and donuts. And because I used to go to the liquor store next door and get these yogurts that were like this big because that's healthy, right? Yogurt and six white powder donuts every couple of days whether I needed it or not. And that's how I ended up weighing 108 pounds. So I went into this hospital, scariest day of my life. We did some stuff in there. I came out the other end, second scariest day in my life is walking out into the world now. Because you remember that feeling? How many people went into a 30-day program? Okay, remember how they were your best friends and you're going to stay sober forever together? Where are those people? So my brother who was at an AA conference out in Palm Springs picked me up at the hospital, my sober brother. And we drove to a gas station and we were talking and he got out of the car and he says, why don't you drive? I thought, wow, he's never done that. This sober thing's great. 30 days and you get to drive his car. And I drove his car and he fell asleep, like immediately fell asleep. So we got home and we pulled up in front of my apartment and he pushed me out of the car and said, go to a meeting. And i had other plans. I wanted to go see my daughter. I wanted to get my life together. I was going to look for a job, all that stuff. And my brother later told me that he pretended to be asleep because I was so full of newcomer bullshit, he could hardly stand listening to me. You know, I was gone. I took a fifth step and I'm, you know, I'm on a spiritual path and I want to take care of mom and I're going to be a great dad. I'm going to be great dad. And he was like, Whoa, you drive. And, uh, and you know what? I was just scared. I was talking cause I was scared. My six year old who's upstairs. I don't look like it, but I'm the Easter bunny. And uh, my six yearold is upstairs at this hotel. And last night, she was walking around the hotel room going, I'm sober. I'm sober. And my wife goes, what do you think it means to be sober? And she goes, oh, it means you talk a lot. So clearly that's based on her personal experience with sobriety. So anyway, my brother kicked me out of the car and I thought, well, I am not going to go to a meeting today. I've just had 30 days of intensive VA, you know, I'm going to go do some stuff. And I walked into my apartment and, uh, they handed me a beer. It actually wasn't a beer, it was a Coors and, um, they were snorting Coke on my glass table and they were smoking pot in my, in my kitchen. And, uh、 I lived at that apartment all by myself. So my lower companions had found out I'd left and moved in. And I had this beer in my hand, and I started to shake because I realized it didn't look so bad. And, I didn't want to go back. I couldn't go back because I was so scared. I put that Coors down and I backed out of my own apartment and I walked around terrified. A loss. Alone. I was dreaming of the people at the hospital. Someone who knew what I was going through. And i remembered what my brother said. And remember what they said at that rehab. And I went to a pay phone and I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And because people do service work, somebody answered the phone. I've been to towns where I've gotten the machine. And I don't think if I got the machine that day, I would be standing here today. So I got a human being who said there's a great meeting right around the corner from where you are. I told him the corner I was at. And I was afraid. I was scared of you. And I walked around that meeting block a couple of times, kind of building up my courage, getting my cool up to walk into an AA meeting. And I, I walked in and I was like 45 minutes early and there was one guy, George O standing there setting up chairs. And I walking up to him and said, I'm new and I'm scared. And he said, I know what to do for you. Set up the rest of these chairs. and i was so glad that i could do that and i set those chairs up and he sat next to me well tell me what's going on and i told him almost everything i've already told you because when you're sober means you talk a lot and uh i got done with all this and um he stood me by the door and he introduced me to everybody who came into that meeting he said this is matthew he's new hello this is Matthew he's knew hello and some of my brother's friends came in they go Hey, Matthew, you're out. It's so good to see you. And I sat down in that speaker meeting and I had the moment of clarity. I was going to be all right. And I'll never forget what that speaker said. He got up to the podium and he said, Wah, wah, wah. Wah, Wah,wah,wah. Wah,Wah,WAH,WHA,WH. And I looked around like, I think I'm going to be allright. And apparently it's a Charlie Brown meeting. And I went home and I moved out of my apartment in the middle of the night. I moved Out of My Apartment in the Middle of the Night. And I called my parents, and like my sponsor said, I think he said it Friday, all tough guys live with mom and dad. And I took my tough guy rock and roll ass and I Moved In With Mom and Dad. But the truth was, speaking of that, I was once spoke at a meeting and some girl came up to me and said, you are dangerous. And, you know, I always I know what she meant, you Know like dangerous like motorcycles and black leather jackets and that's not true. I was dangerous I was ultimately dangerous because my selfishness knew no bounds I mean, I ruined that girl's idea of her life that 18 year old. She wanted to go to college I just said you're not doing that because I want to have sex with you Because I want a feel-good it didn't I didn't care about anybody and I knew better. So here I am in sobriety with 30 days dazed at my parents' house in my old bedroom. And I got up in the morning, I went to an AA meeting and I found out where there was one at noon and a guy who was at the noon meeting was at night meeting. I went through and I walked up to him and I said, will you be my sponsor? And he looked right at me and he didn't say yes. He didn't introduce himself. He said, uh, do you have a job? What a weird question. And And I said, no, I don't have a job. And he said, well, get a job, that's your first assignment. And I say, well what kind of job should I get? And he looked at me and goes, the kind with a paycheck. And the reason I'd asked him to, I know he hasn't ever gotten any nicer, and the reason why I asked him, spiritual giant that he is, and I asked them for, the reason that I wanted him to be my sponsor, And it was, I'm not kidding is they told me in the hospital, find a guy in AA who has what you want. And this guy seemed comfortable in his own skin and he had a decent used car. And I, and I was just, that's about where I was shooting from is like comfortable. I'll take it when they say relief from the bondage of self. I know exactly what they're talking about and I wanted it. So I went, uh, I went to these meetings. I got some, a few days, you know, people were going to the 12 steps or tools for living their tools for living. And I thought, well, then you shouldn't have written them in Chinese because I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, where's the IRS step? You know, where is the baby step? Where's the lawyers? Is there somebody useful here? Because I'm in trouble, man. And I didn't understand it because they didn't. There's a guy, Bob, who goes to our noon meetings, a meter made Bob. And he always says, you know, they didn'T address my issues and I had some issues. And I remember at 60 days sober, um, around that time I was talking to my sponsor and I said, I love being a father. I can't believe how much love I have for this little girl. Phoebe's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I thought it was the worst thing. It's the greatest thing. And he didn't respond. And what I was doing and he knew it, but I didn't really realize it was I was trying to manipulate him into thinking I was a good person because who can argue with I love my daughter. And he didn't argue. He just didn't say anything. So a couple of days later, because I need attention, I started this rap again. And I said, yeah, I really love my daughter. I'm going to, I'm really going to be a good dad because I'm sober and I just can't believe that I have this daughter.And he put his hand up to stop me from talking. And he said, how much child support do you pay? And I went, yeah. We're at this newspaper from midnight to four in the morning. And then I deliver packages from seven in the morning till noon. And then I go to meetings and I live with my parents said, wow, that didn't answer my question. How much child support are you paying? And I go, well, I'm not paying any. And he goes, then you're full of shit, huh? And i was so mad and i go, what do you mean? And he goes, this is a program of action. This is not a program talk. Don't tell me you love your daughter. show me and i went back to my parents house and i walked around my old bedroom red-faced and angry because clearly i had to find another sponsor and this guy didn't appreciate me he didn't understand the intricacies of my love for my daughter and uh but the reason i had a red face. And the reason I was so angry is because he was absolutely right. I was full of it. I was completely full of him. So rather than call him and break up with him, I called Anna and I said, Anna, you know, I'm making a little bit of money. I'll give you a certain percentage of my paycheck every two weeks. And we agreed on the percentage. And she said, boy, that would really help. That would be great. So I did that. I paid every two months. I wrote a check to Anna first thing. Boom. This percentage of my paycheck. And if I had two jobs, it was the percentage of the total. And I gave her the check and this weird thing happened. I would go into meetings, you know, big speaker meetings, and I'd walk through the door and you guys didn't stand up and start applauding. And, uh, I checked the paper every day and there was no announcement that Matthew's a hell of a guy. And there was No Matthew pays child support surprise party. And And you're laughing because you know what I mean. Remember when you got your license, you're sober a while and you get your license and there's no surprise party and then finally someone who loves you goes, dude, you are 40 man, you should have a license. And you are like, oh yeah, right. So what happened to me was the most important thing about paying that check was nobody knew that became the value in it. Nobody knew, but Anna and me. And every couple of weeks I'd pay this thing and a couple months went by and I noticed that I didn't feel like a piece of shit anymore. I felt like a person who was trying. I fell like a guy who was really doing his best. It wasn't much, but it was his best and I carried that lesson with me into sponsorship. And when I sponsor a guy, and if you sponsor anybody, you've heard this. I'm going to put myself on the top of my eight-step list because clearly I've hurt myself the worst. And I'm Irish. I got a lot of sarcasm in me. And I never say what I'm thinking. I say, you know what, man? Maybe if you put yourself at the bottom of that list and you make every other amends, it won't be necessary to make amends to yourself anymore. Because that's my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. All of those amends are amends to myself. I pawned my character to pay for the party. You got to buy it back. So, and I want to mention another story about the ninth step because that clearly is not the ninth step. Child support is a responsibility, but you guys understand what I'm trying to say. And I did owe a guy. I had sort of taken over that apartment. I had a roommate, and he'd moved to another country, and he was keeping the apartment, and I was supposed to pay him rent. And through various scams, I screwed that guy out of $15,000. And when we got to my age step, I wrote his name and, you know, $10 million. It said $15 thousand, but clearly it looked like $10 billion, you now. And there were other amends, but that one just seemed like, wow, $ 10 million. I don't really have that. And I had this sort of vision that I had to take a briefcase with $15,000 to his house and go, sorry. But I have good sponsorship. And my sponsor said, you know, write him a letter. He lived in Mexico City at the time. And send him a check for as much as you can afford. So I did. I sent him a cheque for $10 and wrote him a letter. And I sent it off. And it was a long letter. And it wasn't a lot. It was heartfelt because I really liked this guy. He was a good person to me. And we were good friends before I did all that. So I sent this letter off. And, you know, my mother did die. My mother died in my arms and I had made amends to her. And she died inmyarms. And I was clean, pure and clean with my mother. And IwasinlovewithherandIwasason. And Iwasason because I was taught how to be one in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor said to me, because I would say, My mom's getting really sick. I think maybe, youknow, I could hire a string quartet or something to go over there to play for her. Or maybe I could bring her some food from this restaurant she likes. And he goes, man, you are so grandiose. Why don't you try being a son? Why don'T you go sit next to that hospital bed a half hour longer than it's comfortable for you? I am so glad he said that because I didn't have the money for that other stuff and I was grandiose It was stupid and I went to her bed and I sat there half hour after it was so comfortable It's uncomfortable watching someone you love die It's uncomfortable being with sick people in general. But with sick People, you can't bear it that they're sick. It's not comfortable. And I sat there with her and I made amends to her. I said the amends To her and i demonstrated my amends. I changed my behavior. I amended my behavior and when she died, I was clean and I let her go. Let her go be with God. And that was a beautiful, beautiful moment in my life. Thank you for that. Thank you For that. And because truly, truly, I want to say this about a higher power. When I came out of that rehab and I went to my first AA meeting, I was nervous. And then when I came back the next week, I noticed that some of the people that were there the first week were sitting in the same chairs, and that gave me a little bit of comfort. And then they started to share, and I started to hear them. The next week I'd hear a guy, and he'd say something. And I go, man, that's how I was. That's how i acted and I started relaxing a little more And then i'd come again and all the regulars were there and i'm starting to know their names and they're welcoming me And I have a commitment and i'M starting to feel at home That my friends is a higher power I couldn't make those people sit there. I couldn'T do that I had no power over that a million things happened to get every one of those people in those chairs Clearly, that's a power greater than myself That restored me to sanity So if you're saying here Sitting here And you have six months of sobriety Or two years of sobribity And you're going I don't get the God thing That's like driving on the 405 freeway In a car going I don' t get the engine thing Right? It's all semantics now You just have a problem with the word you have no problem with the force of the spirit or you wouldn't be sitting here today so my i was paying this money back and my mother died and i was taking care of my father uh and uh which was uncomfortable it was also uncomfortable i loved him dearly he was a good man to me and i always hesitate whether i should i'm just gonna say it you know it's uh i had to to help him go to the bathroom and at one point i'm his youngest and he always treated me like I was about seven and he grabbed my hand and he goes, I don't know how you wipe your ass, but that's a little harsh. So I calmly told him that I would get the next person in line who was waiting for this honor to come on in and do it. And, uh, it was, uh. You know, I didn't like taking care of my father, but I'd love to do it again. I'd love to take care of him. I loved him dearly, but during the time I'm taking care Of my father this guy paid this guy back years and years of checks and he called me I paid him $7,000 back so I owed him $8,000 and he called Me and he said stop sending me those checks and I go what and he said you know you've just become this guy that I always knew you could be I'm so grateful to you he goes you know nobody ever paid me back anything. And here you send these things every month and I'd send more money or less money, depending on how I was doing. And he said, you've already paid me back. And I made the mistake of calling my sponsor to brag that I had finished my amends. And he listened to me. And I, I, to this day, I want to be as cool as this guy. he listened to me and he goes oh okay uh-huh i agree i don't have to pay back because that's that guy you started paying back when you live with your mom and your dad and i go right yeah now you live on your own you got this great job he goes hey man you want to stop doing what's working that's cool why do we call these guys so uh my father my father passed away he died of a broken heart he clearly he said to me when hospice came through the door i want to meet your mother how can you deny a man that with that great love and he went to meet my mother and he left me some money and i wrote a check for eight thousand dollars and i put it in the fedex envelope and i sent it to larry who now lived in Newport beach. And again, a true AA miracle. This is a true, true story. Larry called me up when he got it and he said, Matthew, I'm sitting here and I'm looking at my wife and we're about to have a baby and we'RE trying to figure out our finances so we can buy a house. And we're $8,000 short of a down payment. So the flake, the loser helped this guy buy a house with his own money. You know, I have to, I I'm forced to say that it was, it was his money, but, uh, but I held onto it for him until he absolutely needed it. And, uh. And that happens here. Stuff like that happens hier. If you get into action, Into action when I was sitting on my couch. I was not into action When I was writing eight thousand ten million dollar checks That's action And the reason I I nailed the ninth step is because I don't know if you guys do it down here But up where I in hermosa beach and long beach at noon meetings a lot of the time the format is Somebody reads a paragraph from the big book and then we share about it And the paragraph that a lot of people pick is, The spiritual life is not a theory. You have to live it. And it may surprise some of you. I know it surprised me that that paragraph is not in the third step section of the big book. And it's not inthe eleventh step sectionof the bigbook. It's in the ninth step sectionof the bigbook. To live a spiritual life means to make restitution for the harms you have caused others. That is living a spiritual life. I pray and I meditate I pray And I meditate but I grow spiritually when I do the counterintuitive thing that my sponsor tells me to do Clearly that's spiritual living and I didn't know that and I wouldn't have come up with that by myself And I went to my sponsor at another point in my sobriety and I said, you know I am starting to understand chinese and I realized that these are tools for living I have done a fourth step and a fifth step and A seventh step and an eighth step and some ninth step work And I believe you But this eleventh step I have A problem with because it says Prayed only for knowledge of God's will For me and the power to carry that out And I'm catholic And God has only talked to me a couple Of times and it was to tell me That I'm going to hell And that you're a terrible terrible Person and you should feel guilty all the time You know it's weird but when I was 14, I masturbated. I know once. And the nuns told me that I was going to go to hell if I did that. So I pretty much made peace with going to hell. And so because I was powerless. So this is your spiritual speaker folks. This is why the nun's are doing cartwheels. So, I had a problem with trying to figure out what God's will for me was. I did. I had to block. I felt ashamed in God's presence. I didn't understand it. I was scared. You know, when you make a third step, you don't know what that means until you've made the other steps. Then this higher power thing starts to take some shape. So,I did this thing. I told my sponsor, how do I know God's Will for me? And again, he didn't give me an immediate answer. He thought about it. He just sat there kind of looking at me. And then the next break at a different meeting, I said, you know, can we talk about that? I'm really, I want to do this. I wantto do this sought through prayer and meditation, you know, improve praying only for knowledge of God's will for me. How do I know? And he said something that changed my life. He said, Matthew, it's so simple. You can't see it. It's so simple. God's will for you. If a check comes in the mail and it says pay this amount, God's going pay that amount If the alarm clock goes off god's going hey, get up And if phoebe's diaper needs changing God sends time to change the baby Do the next indicated thing don't do your grandiose idea do the next Indicated thing and you can rest assured that you are doing god's will for you Now if my father had told me that or a friend had told Me that who wasn't an alcoholic. I would not have heard him But somebody who is baffled by life the way I was because of my alcoholism Explained in very simple terms what god's will for me was and it changed my life I could do that. I want to tell you, uh One of the things that happened as I was saying that prayer relieved me of the god just bondage of self that I might better Do thy will and my sponsors? I told my sponsor because I I can't do something good without somebody knowing about it and uh, because then it's like I didn't do it at all and uh he said you know prayer is great but action's really where it's at and um i said oh so i thought about well how do i relieve myself of the bondage of self and i go to the herbosa beach men's stag it's a big meeting and this guy got called on and he said i'm visiting from australia i'll be visiting once a month so i just want to introduce myself so my big relief from the bondge of self my great idea was to remember his name So when he came back a month later, it was like a seventh grade dance. I was like pushing past people to go talk to him Don't nobody talk to you And I walked up to him. I said hey kevin welcome back to the meeting And he said wow you remembered my name and I said this is the greatest meeting of alcoholics anonymous in the world And i'm just so glad that you're here must be difficult traveling You don't know anyone and he said come outside with me and he says what do you do for a living? I said well, I stack newspapers on a loading dock and I deliver packages and i'm a content professional and uh he said why don't you come to my office and he gave me his card and he said uh you know we can maybe come work for me and he was the vice president of this huge international airline and i went to this i brought my dmv you know the phone book read out and i had a brown suit on in black shoes because i didn't have any brown shoes and i went to this thing and the human resources person said, yeah, I'm supposed to interview you for a job at the airport. So I went in and I handed her my DMV and I sat there nervously thinking she's going to find out who I am and kick me out of here. And she took my, my, uh, resume, whatever it was application and my DMD. And she went into Kevin's office, which was right next door. And I heard through the wall, him yell, You know, I'm going to fly the goddamn plane. She's going to put people on them. And a good alcoholic. And she came back in kind of nervously and the interview went really well after that. And she said, I guess we're going to hire you. now the reason I tell that story is I did not raise my hand at a meeting when they asked for a burning desire and say I need a job I tried to relieve myself of the bondage of self and remembered someone's name and God took care of it that's what happened that's my experience that's how it happened so I got this job at the airport and I was able to earn enough money not quite to move out from my parents house but to buy a guitar back I needed a guitar and, uh, I bought a beautiful guitar, a Taylor Dan Crary acoustic guitar. And if you play guitar, you're jealous of me now. And, uh. I bask in your jealousy. And. I took that guitar and I bought it on my way to work. And I wasn't super popular at this airline because I got hired by the vice president. So they thought I was a mole. I remember they used to like go, this job is hell. This job is how I'm like, this isn't hell, man. I've been to hell. this is pretty good. And you know, you met famous people. You could go everywhere you want in the world. If you had two nickels, you could go anywhere you want the world. I didn't have two nickel's, but I could if I want to go anywhere in the world and they had an employee bus that took you to your car. And I had my guitar there and I was so excited about this guitar. And I'm standing at this bus stop with my guitar and this woman who worked for British Airways came up and I turned to her and I said, can I show you my new guitar? And she looked at me and she said, I don't look at strange men's guitars. And she got on the bus. So I had to get on the bus. I mean, it's the employee bus. And I go, you know what? Why don't we talk for a minute? We won't be strangers. Then you can look at my guitar. And, uh, she's like, whoa. And she had this book in her hand called mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. And she said, um, I said, Hey, I've read that book. I said to you, she said we'll cut to the chase. Do you believe in God? I was like, God saved my life. You know, bad pickup line number two. And, uh, but I wasn't hitting on her. I wasn'T, I, she just happened to randomly stand there and I want to show somebody my guitar. And uh, But I did notice that while I was talking to her, I was completely comfortable in my own skin and she was lovely. She was stunningly beautiful and it didn't intimidate me. And I was fine with me and we got off the bus and I said, you know what? Let's forget the guitar. Do you want to have dinner sometime? And she came back at me with like, can't the girl wait for a bus? And this beautiful British voice and, uh, took off. And i realized the next day that i had grown spiritually because i went to work the next day. And I didn't tell anybody that she was a lesbian. I'm okay. She's okay. We're okay. Um, and I'm only half kidding people because she rejected me. I have nothing against lesbians. Sometimes I love them, but she, it would clearly make, make it, you know, she rejected my gender, not me clearly. And, uh, but I didn't have to be that way because I liked me. I had done some work. I liked Me. That's all right. If she doesn't like me, that's not a huge surprise. She's really, really pretty. But she came back up to that bus stop that day and I didn'T have my guitar. And I thought, well, she won'T recognize me.I don'T have a guitar. She tapped me on my shoulder and said, you know, I believe I was rude to you. Would you like to miss this bus and have a cup of coffee? And we're married now almost 11 years. And there's some things about that that are absolutely stunning. The first is she proposed to me because I'm not about to ask her out again, you know. and um and my wife i said to my sponsor when we were first courting each other we got married actually very quickly and um, and I kissed the ground every day that I married her And um when I was dating her I said, you know, she's not blonde. She's not anorexic She's really not my type And he said you've changed And he was right. This was a woman who didn't need me. And for the first time in my life, that was attractive to me. She was completely self-sufficient. She was short. She had dark hair. She looked like Audrey Hepburn. I'm in. And that not needing me and that choosing to be with me, it still today takes my breath away. When I'm at my house and she's in another room, I can't believe my luck. I can't believe it. She's like a wild animal that sits next to me. It's incredible for me. It's a great journey. And I got to tell you, I was standing on a pier in Crystal Lake, Illinois, where I was going to get married. My mom had not passed away yet and that was where she was from. And my father and my mother were there and my bride was getting ready in the house. And I said to God, I looked up at the sky and I said, thank you, God, that this is the next indicated thing. because sometimes the next indicated thing is not a dirty diaper or a bill or an alarm clock. Sometimes the next indicated thing makes your heart explode. That is the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a job where my boss used to say when I was drinking, if you could just get out of your own way, you'd be a force to reckon with. And I go, how the hell do you get out of your own way. I wanted to know. And the way you do that is you start thinking about other people and you start doing things for other people. Michael said it beautifully. It's about service to other people? I have to tell you, you know, uh, I had a panel up at San Francisco fire camp and there's a part in the big book that says, uh Jim, remember Jim, the car dealer? He's now working for dealership. He used to own there's a line in there that has haunted my sobriety It's early in the book and it says all went well for a while for jim But he failed to enlarge his spiritual life And if you put my sobrietty on a timeline one might say all went Well for a While with Matthew So I had this fire camp Uh panel and I was living in long beach now and my home group is some host of beach It's our panel, and the panel is up near Magic Mountain. It's a long way from my house. And I didn't want to go. I had a week. It was a holiday weekend, and I was in charge of the panel. Three guys had signed up to go with me, and I'm supposed to meet them at the Alano Club, and I thought, God, I can't believe I have to do this. I want to be at home with my hot wife. And I drove up to Hermosa Beach, and none of the guys showed up, which is unusual in my group. We're into service, but it was a Friday night. It was on a holiday week, and I don't know if they forgot or whatever, but they weren't there. So my first thought was, I don't have to go, right? Cause who's going to know it's a good deed. And if no one knows it's, it didn't happen. And, uh, so I got onto, uh... But the thing about AA that was different from all my religious upbringing is people in Alcoholics Anonymous showed me Alcoholics Anonymous. They didn't tell me. I read a line this morning in my room a zen buddhist saying that says you cannot teach a path you can only take a path and the guys in aa didn't teach me they took me with them so i knew that guys with lots of time with pretty wives and good jobs went on panels so i couldn't with a good conscience go home so i drove to san francisco fire camp and many times i wanted to turn around and i got to san friend's mosquito. And I pulled into the parking lot and I opened my door. And the routine is you go inside and you tell somebody that you or the panel, they announce it and you go into the mess hall. Well, there was this huge African-American guy standing there when I opened mine car and he said, are you Alcoholics Anonymous? I said, yeah, yeah I guess. And he said, I need to talk to you. And we went down on the yard. So I haven't gone and checked in. I'm just, we're sitting down on the yard where they have picnics and stuff. And He's sitting at far from me at the other end of this picnic table and I'm sitting with catty corner. And he starts talking to me about how he felt when he got back into prison and threw away another family. And He starts talking to me, about how he felt, when he couldn't stop drinking even though all he wanted to do in the world was stop drinking. And started talking to Me about how I felt. And I fell in love with Him. I felt an arc between us, an energy between us that only we understand. and it got really dark, and I couldn't even see him. It was just a voice. And every once in a while, I'd try to tell him my experience, strength, and hope, and he'd go... And he'd keep telling me his pain. And there's a part of this program that we always forget. It's been talked about many times this weekend, except this part. AA is one alcoholic talking to another. That means one is listening. Take that into your morning meditation Because my form of listening is waiting till you shut up so I can tell you what I think But all I did was listen to this guy And on the way home I floated home and i'd realized that i'd enlarged My spiritual life And all I did was go somewhere. It had nothing to do with me I brought my ears to do God's work in spite of the fact that I didn't want to do it It doesn't say we happily did this stuff. It doesn' t say we enthusiastically did this stuff It doesn''t say if you want to, do this stuff You cannot want to and do it and still grow spiritually and that is my experience I drove home. I opened the door and my wife was better looking it was weird so I want to tell you really quickly about a spiritual experience I've had I've told you a little bit about my wife we had two children together and I was in the right car with the woman who was pregnant and I went to the right hospital that in itself is a spiritual experience and I've been through some things financially and I finally got a good job I finally became a drug dealer. I'm a pharmaceutical salesman. I'm getting my money back. Come on, man. But I just got this job and we were going to get ahead financially. I had just gotten this job. My offer had come the day before. And my wife in the morning was looking kind of tired that next day. And I said, I'll take the kids to the park and you just rest. And she was making some British food. and I had, uh, I wish I could remember cause you guys go, Oh yeah, that's pretty. That wasn't kidney pie, but it was damn close. And I had a, I had to pay John and I walked out of my house and I got the kids in the car and I started up the car. And when I started to leave and my pager went off and I didn't have my cell phone with me and I thought it might be this new job. So I went back into my house and my wife was lying on the ground and she'd had a serious stroke, a massive stroke and her face was distorted. And the kids like stepped right over her and went out in the backyard to play. Kids are just oblivious. And I looked at her and I said, you've had a stroke. And she looked up at me and said, don't call an ambulance because she's British and she hates to be the center of attention. And I called an ambulance and the ambulance took me to my hospital. I live in Long Beach. It's a big city. And they took one look at her and said we need to call a helicopter. We need to get you to UC Irvine. She's in trouble. I was scared. I called my sponsor, my sister and her parents in England. I flew in a helicopter to UC Irvine with my wife. And we went in and they were going to do this surgery that was going to save her life. They're going to run this thing up her leg and sprinkle this stuff on her brain. And they stopped and they all walked away. And he said, we can't do anything for her. I was devastated. I stayed with my wife and lied to her and told her everything was going to be fine. And I went out there and my sister and my brothers and sisters were in this weird alcove for the family and I walked out into the waiting room and guys from Alcoholics Anonymous were there. To this day, my wife says when I wake up and Bill and Jay are leaning over me, I know something really bad happened. So my wife got airlifted and I got some advice from my sponsor. I said, you know, I should call them and tell them that I can't go to training. I just gotten this job. I needed to go to train for five weeks in Chicago. And he said, no, you will not do that. You will be a worker among workers You will take we will take care of your wife Go there and don't tell anybody that your wife had a stroke and knock them dead Again, not my thought counterintuitive, but I took his advice. I've become to rely on him And I went there And I worked hard because this is our income now And every time I left my class There was 2 000 people in this hotel who worked with this company And they were all ruining their marriages and going to sports bars at night And acting like crazy people and I would walk out and I got a lot of crap for this checking my messages on my cell phone Because I wanted to see if my wife was alive And I walked out into the hallway and there'd be 10 messages from you 15 messages from no exaggeration. I'm prone to exaggeration i'm irish no exaggeration every three hours for five weeks we caught we took went to see your wife she's looking okay she's gonna be all right we took your kids to dinner we put your christmas lights up we mowed your lawn how could i drink i was 3 000 miles from home i was terrified and i was in a very intense class on the cardiovascular system and every night i walk up to my room I'd play my guitar. I'd call my wife and I'd pray to God to have one more day so that I could do what was needed for me to do. Now, the spiritual experience that I want to tell you about happened during this time. I came out. I would fly home on the weekends, which is the irony is everybody thought I was going into the city to party during the weekends because I was such a straight arrow during the week. But we were right across the street from the airport. So I have a lot of connections with airlines. and I would go across the street and make some phone calls and get on an airplane and go to UC Irvine, and I'd get there late because that's how it worked out, and my wife would be in bed. Now, one of the times I did this, it was either two or three weeks into it, I walked into her room, and she looked much worse than I remembered. I had made her better in my head. I had mad her well in my hand. I had her in my mind to comfort myself, and she clearly was paralyzed, and she literally had brain damage, And we were clearly in trouble And I looked at her and she barely woke up, but I this was becoming routine So I climbed into bed with her and I wrapped my arms around her and i fell asleep And I woke up at about 4 or 4 30 in the morning full of fear Fear like I had never experienced in sobriety And I got out of bed and the nurses were used to this and they had left me You know soap and shampoo and stuff and towels so i went and i picked this stuff up i thought well i'll go take a shower and i walked into the hallway of that hospital and i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown i thought i was gonna implode from fear and every step that i took i thought i'm gonna fall over and faint right now i am gonna have a nervous breakdown and it was like one flew over the cuckoo's nest a hospital at 4 30 in the morning you hear little beeps and moans and i'm walking down the hallway and I'm terrified. And I walked into this big shower, it's a real orthopedic shower. And I put my stuff down and I took off my clothes and I turned on the water and I got down on my knees and I prayed a prayer like I have never prayed straight to God. My sponsor used to tell me to pray with intention that your prayers are being answered. And i prayed from my heart, not my head, to God and I said, God you don't have to heal my wife. You don't Have to make me a lot of money. You don't have to take care of my children, but I need some of your power because I have none and I'm so afraid right now that I'm not going to be able to do this to take care of them to do his new job. And I stood up and nothing had changed. I was just cleaner. you know 11 step and i put my clothes on and i walked back down that hallway and each step i was going okay i'm gonna have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown and i thought well screw it i'm in a hospital and uh the next step i'm going to have a hard attack i'm so afraid i'm shaking i was physically shaking and i walk into a room it's about five o'clock in the morning and i couldn't see her. It was really dark. I couldn't see her came from the light hallway into the dark room. So I sat down in the chair next to her bed and I closed my eyes and I realized that I could feel her. I could fill her in the room with me. And I thought, I wonder if this is a sixth sense of truly loving someone and I could field her. And kind of academically thought, well, if she were in a big house and I were blind, would I know what room she was in? I walked into the room. So, I opened my eyes and I stood up and I put my hands on the railing next to her bed and I looked across her out the window. I didn't want to look at her because she was really in bad shape. And I looked out the windows and it was just barely light. It was like dark blue and just slightly lighter blue and these trees were silhouetted in the window and these birds were flying from tree to tree and it just struck me like in my heart how beautiful the world is i mean it was a weird sort of realization like god that's amazing and then i looked down at my wife and she has this light pale welsh skin that's just gorgeous gorgeous skin and i looked Down at her and i thought i love her so much and there was no No fear, not any fear. And I realized I'm not alone. I have great love in my life and all I have to do is the next indicated thing and everything's going to be all right. And i've done that and i can tell you today standing here with a wife who's disabled with two children who are a lot of work and phoebe who's living with her mom with me that i don't want anybody else's life. I don't want a different wife and I don t want my wife any different than she is today. And I have only you to thank for that. Thanks for letting me share.