The Bondage of Self and the Art of Being Fine – David L.

Good morning. My name is David Lloyd and I'm an alcoholic. I can't believe so many of you are here. Isn't this great? It was a hooted breakfast this morning. We did, by the way, there were a couple of people who got into a discussion. It was like a goat roping. It Was really interesting. It was kind of a goat-roping thing. The other thing is one person was eating like a butcher's bulldog. I tell you, it was absolutely unbelievable. We had one pickle. It was a personal pickle, but it didn't turn into a goat roping, nor did it turn into her corporate pickle, and it was resolved pretty quick with Peggy coming up this morning. I learned all that at breakfast. I had no idea why I was coming to Maryland, but I learned it all at breakfast this morning, and Annie, I want to thank you for all the lingo that you brought me from southeast Louisiana or southwest Louisiana. If y'all want a treat, just meet Annie, and she will give you all kinds of new language. I want to thank Dan, and I certainly want to think Rob. Y'all have been so great to meet me, and again, I apologize, Dan, truly. I'm on the road all the time, and it's very difficult, but I do appreciate your faithfulness and your continuing to reach out. I also want to thanks Kate, who is the program committee, and I'm trying to find her right here, and thank you for your original invitation some time ago. I also want to thank Nancy, the chair, and also all the work the committee has done. The committee, I really appreciate it. I looked at the program last night, and I thought, my gosh, this is a lot of organization. It is amazing what you've come together with here, and I really congratulate you, and thank you for your hospitality. I want to talk to you about a whole concept of something that I had no idea that I have. You know, I never knew I had a disease. I really didn't. I know what a disease is. I've seen people with other diseases but when I got to treatment about 11 years and a few months ago what I found was they told me the third day I was in this treatment center that I had a disease called alcoholism and I looked at my counselor and I said well if I have a disease called alcoholism I called it here because I didn't have it when I came here I said it must have been that guy in room 225 bad case of it I mean nobody would go around it I mean, it must have been a bad case, and I must have caught it. I didn't have a disease. You know what I'm saying? I just had a little problem, Olivia, just a little problems. Just okay, a couple of little problems but I was in a pickle is what I was then, Annie. Just a little pickle. You know, I mean I just have a few problems. If I could just get my life straightened out. Do you know what they're saying? I came within ten minutes and two beers of having my life figured out numerous times. You know I'm sayin'? It was just, you know, just couple more beers and they can just give me ten more minutes. In fact, I would take napkins, you now, little napkins on the barstool there and you know and they're okay so they're wet on one corner what's the problem with that and i start writing out answers to my life you know what i'm saying answers you know i just i almost had it that was that clumped to figuring it out you know I would come through the next morning and I'd take my little notes out and I go I wrote some award-winning songs on those napkins excellent poetry and some great letters great letter I had it figured out so when I got the treatment I wasn't sick I just need to figure it out you know lose a little weight gain a little wait depending on what age I was depending on what I need to do there buy more clothes get rid of the clothes you know what I'm saying it was just yet friends no friends get a job don't have a job I buy another car this car wouldn't work that's what my life is like just need to be a little better. Couldn't quite make it. You've got a disease. Sure. I left there after three months. I was supposed to be there for 28 days. I think the concept of some are sicker than others comes into play here. It's the great fact. But after hours, I was leaving Claire, and my wonderful counselor looked at me and she said, do you know that you've got a disease? And you know what I did? I smiled and said, I sure do. And you knows what? I lied to her. I figured if I told her I didn't have one she wouldn't let me leave and I'd been there long enough. But you know What? I didn' t believe it then and I think this is the point. If I do not know I have a disease, you know, You know what? I am. I'm pretty powerful. In fact, if I'm powerful I don't need these meetings. I don' t need a sponsor. I certainly don' t need 12 steps in my life. You see, if I've got a disease I'm powerless which means I don''t have the answers. I don'T know what I need to do and I don ''t know how to do it and I think that's the important thing for me because see as long as I know I have a disease as long As I know I don´t have the answers I can recall my moment of clarity my moment of clarity on April 4th 1988 when I saw me for one of the first times in my life i saw what i was doing to me and to my family and to people around me i saw this person that i had built so much of a wall around that i couldn't see myself you know somebody said to me how did you get to where you were at 40 how did you get into treatment how did i said i fed myself a lot of fictitious information not just a bunch i told you i'm fine i'm okay i don't need anything i don' t need anybody I told you I was okay, even though it's dying inside. I was fine You see the thing about my disease and I think there's a section of the big book that really talks about it on page 62 it says Selfishness self-centeredness we is that we think is the root of all of our troubles Fear hundreds of forms of fear this whole concept of fear under the forms of fears self delusion self seeking and self pity We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate seemingly without provocation But at some time in our past, we invariably find that we've made decisions based on self that come back to hurt us. And I think that really is the synopsis of my life, of my disease. This whole concept of dealing with hundreds of forms of fear. You know what my biggest fear was all my life? Was that you were going to find out I was afraid. You said, just be fine. You know, just fine. In fact, I tell you, in North Carolina, we have developed finding to a fine art. You know how it looks? It sounds like this too, by the way. when anybody walks within 10 feet of you and see when people would walk within 10 feet me I start doing like this I'd start smiling and shaking my head and Pat I'm not even Japanese but I just thought that man and then these words have to come out I'm fine how are you I'm five I'm four I'm fine how were you one five thank you I'll find are you okay well I'm fine I'm fun oh I'm well I am fine are you up in New York I'm fine thank you I'm fine I'm but I'm find really I'm fine that's fine and we perfected it to a fine art and truly so fine in fact I would start saying things like this or are you okay knew I was really saying I wasn't caring what I didn't care about you all here I mean am i okay with you am i ok with you if you were not smiling when you left me you found it very difficult to leave me because if you left me without smiling it was about me you know it was my something was wrong with me and you and I had to fix that and I'm fine I just went through life fine hundreds of forms of fear hundreds of forms a fear hundreds of form the fear am i in fact it was like this is like God called a meeting of all the eight-year-olds in the world and put us in a big stadium and just before by the way it's gonna tell us about how to grow up and how to go through puberty and how to date and how get out of school and have a family and and go through life and work and have a successful wonderful life and being fine and just before he started telling us all those secrets I had to go the bathroom and so I left the stadium we went to the bathroom and when I came back in from the bathroom he was saying God was saying and now you know all there is to know about growing up and everybody seemed to be pretty happy. So I just kind of blended back in on my feet, and just as I sat down, everybody left, got up to leave. And so I was walking out of the stadium there saying, don't you know about growing up, David? Don't you? And I said, of course I do. I didn't know. You know about dating, don'tyou, David. I said of courseI do.I didn't know. I'd call a girl and say, she'd say, hello. And I'd go, I'd hang up. Then I'd call her back. Hello. I'd hung up. And that time I knew she knew who it was. I catch that one. That was in the day long before the little numbers were available star 69 and all that wasn't there we were in temple three four six two but the point I'm making is a hundreds of folks I didn't know but you know what I could not tell you that I did not know if I told you I did not know how to live if I've told you i did not know how the girl if I'd told you I did not know about this fear if I told you I was afraid. You would not want me back. And my job was to get back, to get back. Hundreds of forms of fear, hundreds of forms of self-delusion. And see, I think self- delusion, my fear feeds my self-dilution and I think it's a circular deal. I think my self-illusion feeds my fear. I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg, but it's okay whichever did is theirs. But the point I'm making is self- dilution works like this. I can sit in my office at 10 o'clock on Tuesday morning and people walking by my office sticking their head in the door coming into my office they're saying things like, good morning, David. How are you? And you know what I say? I'm fine. How are YOU? Oh, I'm FINE. I'm Fine. Are you okay? Well, I'M FINE! So glad to see this boy. You're FINE? We're FIne. We had a little problem on you but we worked it out. Well that's great. I'M GLAD YOU'RE FINE and my boss walks by and I'll say good morning Don and he doesn't speak. Now let me tell you what happens to me. It starts right here in the center of my brain. Right here. Right in the center and it starts right here and it's like a little upside down pyramid. It's just like this. You've got to envision it. And the first thought, Joyce, is, I wonder why I didn't see. Second thought, he must be upset with me. There must be some kind of pickle going on. Third thought, he didn't like that report I handed him yesterday. He didn't like my work. He's probably going to fire me. He'll figure out after 21 years I don't know what I'm doing here. Fourth thought, I bet that meeting this afternoon he's going to fire me. Ten o'clock, I'm fine. How are you? At ten o' clock, I want him fired. I haven't left my desk. Nobody's called me. And then I'll start a pyramid on top of a pyramid. I'll go, well, if he's gonna fire me, I'll have to go down to Ray Avenue to an unemployment office to get an unemployment check. What if they won't give me one? Here comes the other pyramid. What if they won't give me an unemployment check? 10 o'clock, I'm sitting at my desk. I'm fine. How are you? Good morning. 1001, I'm fired. 101 and a half, I can't get an unemployment cheque. Can't feed my family. I'll have to sell my car. I've got to sell my car now. Call the newspaper. Get an ad in the paper. Got to sell my car. Well, I might as well go ahead and put the house on the market. Got to call a relative. Nobody's walked in or called me. Now, guess what will happen if anybody walks in in the process of that thinking and says to me, good morning, David, how are you doing? I'll say, I'm fine. How are you? That's how finding works, folks. Finding's the cover for fear. I'm fine, I'm fine. That thinking, and it's like this, I wake up in the morning and I scratch, there's a little pimple here on my calf, my left calf, and I just scratch it. I get in the shower, scratch it a couple times, dry off. I'm now sitting down to put my socks on. This Tuesday at 7 o'clock going to work, nothing big deal. I look down and there's this little red circle around this pimple now. Here it goes. Wonder what that is. It wasn't there yesterday. Feels like it's got a knot in it. It's certainly infected. I bet it's the tumor. If it's a tumor, they're going to cut my leg off right here. No, they'll cut it off above the knee, right? I'll need to get a prosthesis. Tuesday morning, I'm trying to get ready for my day. I'm going to work, having a wonderful day, worried about a prosthetic. You know what I'm talking about? It's real stuff. I thought I only did it with bad stuff, but I was in the shower about nine years ago and I was humming a country western tune one morning. I don't know why, because my life was going along pretty well at that time. This country western team was coming out anyway. I got out, I dried off, I'm shaving. The next conscious thought I had at the mirror was, where am I going to get a tour bus? A tour bus. But for those of you from southwest Louisiana, let me explain that. Let me take you back to my shower with me. I'm humming this country and western tune thinking hmm that sounds pretty good. I bet if I practiced I could sing country and Western music. If I started singing country and West music I could get a little couple of gigs around Fedville here in a little couple of places. We got a band together we could practice and go out to Nashville get a bit bigger band. I could an agent sign a contract sign a contract to go on tour, I'll need a tour bus. Of course, it all makes sense. Hundreds of forms of self-delusion. You know what? You know what? I had a hard time being present in my family. You know what I'm saying? You knew what I was doing on Friday night when we were supposed to be relaxed, everybody was having a good time, the weekend started. You knew I was thinking about what I got to do Monday and what's going to happened Tuesday? And what's going to happen Wednesday? And what's gonna happen next month when Thanksgiving happens? Is everybody with me? Over and over and over. I never was present. I was at an AA meeting, and the topic was where's God? Nobody had lost him, but we were just talking about where's god in our life. And this priest from Boston said a powerful thing. He said, God is in that thin membrane, that thin membrane between the past and the future called now. And you know what my self-delusion and my fear keep me from doing is living in the now Never have been able to do that until I you know, what what happened? I can tell you the day and I can show you where I was it happened to me. I lived in and out with March 22nd 1966 I was at the Rath Skella bar in Greenville, North Carolina, and I ordered my first drink of alcohol It was a pap slew ribbon call. In fact, I ordered two of them One after the other and I drank those two beers and you know I didn't care about what happened. I was really pregnant. I didn' t care. That thinking went away. That thinking process, that fear, that never-ending, that ugh of life turned into... I could tell jokes. I could dance. My feet were moving. I mean, there were people in there that needed me to share things with them in that bar. I did not know how needy they were. You know? And I went around all night long just sharing things with him. you know, just talking to them and laughing and telling them a little joke, trying to cure up their life a little bit. I stayed there as long as I could. Then they call it last call, and they said I had to leave. And I said, oh, okay, well, can I come back? You know, I didn't know if I had permission. They said, of course, you can come back. Just bring your money, and you can comes back. So I went back. And I had the second time with Justice Gray for the first time. You know what I did for 22 years? I drank to get back to Greenville March 22, 1966 that's all I didn't want to get drunk well sometimes I did but most of the time you know what I was trying to do I was saying I was just trying to get rid of this thinking I wanted to get rid of fear this ball of fear in my gut I just wanted to be okay I just needed to have fun I just need to have a life I just want to be now I don't want to be about the past I don' t want to be right now do you follow what I'm saying That's all I did. The only problem is, I would start drinking. See, I didn't know I had a disease. I was just going to have fun. Just a couple of beers. What's the problem? I mean, a couple... I'll watch a quarter football Monday night. I'll be home. Not a problem. And then give me a couple more. I'llbe home at halftime. And then a couplemore. Okay, third quarter. They'll understand. They've probably already beaten by now. Well, okay. Last call? Are you sure? That was kind of a pattern. I didn' t understand it. I just was going to have a couple beers. What's wrong with that? But you see, I didn't know I had the disease. I did not know when I drank alcohol it sets up an allergic reaction and I crave alcohol. I didn' t know that so I can't drink it. But I would drink to get back to Greenville and I could get almost there and I coud see Greenville coming I coul feel Greenville comi and here we go boom right by me and I was drunk again and I didn''t know why not a clue not a clues didn't kow I was allergic to alcohol. Hundreds of forms of self pity self seeking let me tell you about self seeking I was on the ground at 13 very important point in my life August of my 13th year I was laying on the grounds you know what I decided on the ground that day that my mother my father my brother my aunt uncle my sister me none of them were going to save me that if I and by the way God was not he had abandoned me and you know when I decided that if if I was ever going to have a life, if I were ever going to survive getting off Garner Road, you know what else I'm going to do? I'm not going to have to do it myself. God was not going to help me. You see, this whole concept of looking at God in the third step made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God is I understood God. That past tense word understood really has always haunted me. Why not understand God? Understood God for me was as a child. As a child, you know why I would look at God? God was going to uh come back in fact i would lay on my back six seven eight nine years old fly my kites in the springtime i'd look at these beautiful clouds and these big clouds and i make shapes here comes a dog and here comes a here comes the sheep and here come the cat and and i just knew if i looked long and hard enough you know what was going to happen god was going stick his head out and go hi dave how you doing and you know when i was gonna say oh i'm fine god how are you doing he never did that by the way but you know why that day laying on the ground as my mother was kicking me i knew i knew that he was not going to help you see self-seeking to me is is a whole process of developing for me uh my defects of character see my defects the character are we're not defects my defects or character are the way i survive that's the way I live you know so when I came in they said you got to let go of some of these things it's like what do you mean what it's it's nothing left but the donut hole and the donut holes not left if I keep giving all the stuff back. What do you mean you got to give all those stuff up? You know, that's the way I live in my pride and greed, lust, wall, jealousy, fear, all those things. That's how I energize me. Self-seeking, self-seaking, you know what myself seeking looks like? You know what it feels like? It's when I'm so angry with my children. You know what I would do? I wouldn't look at them for two weeks to show them who's in charge. You You know, they'd ask me for potatoes at the table and I would get the potatoes almost to them and I'd sit them on the table and not look at them. I'll show them who's in charge. That's self-seeking. Freedom from bondage of self. You see, I think for me my disease is that. Bondage of itself. And that's why I have to pray the third step prayer because I don't know how to free myself. Self-seaking for me is survival. And what I will never forget, someone told me in a meeting, this was so powerful, I was two years sober And the person in the meeting looked at me and said, David, it's over. I said, It's over? She said, Yeah. I said what's over she said your childhood is over. You're an adult. Oh. Said you can go on with your life now. I said oh. I didn't know that. Kept trying to relive it. Kept time to fix it. Just trying to make it right. Couldn't take it away. Hundreds of forms of self-seeking, hundreds of forms of self pity. I want to talk about that because I want to tell you that for me self pity is truly a real, real serious thing. I was talking with my son Scott I think Dan has talked with Scott some and I know Rob has talked about Scott some. He's there and I'm not. But Scott is almost 25 now and it took us 8 years to start over and recover it. I don't know if you know what I mean by start over uh with my son david it took us about three months which was a wonderful privilege my son scott and i took us eight years i had to ask him to leave the home just very very angry um sideways stuff everything was sideways no trust i mean on and on and off and scott now and i have really it's an amazing process of healing in the last uh three three and a half years and scot helps run the company we have and um it's just an amazing progress but i had a A situation happened Monday night, and I was talking with him about that. And I said to him, you know, forgive me. I talked to him Tuesday. I said, I need to make amends. I said forgive me for being on my self-pity pot during the phone call. I said I had to give myself permission to get off the pot afterwards. It was just too late to call you back, but I'm sorry about that, and he said, yeah, I could see a real change in you. I want to stay with that just a minute. You see, when I'm full of self-pitie, there's a real chance of a change in me. It is true. And the change in me is I become very self-centered. Very, very self centered. And everything is about me and everything you do is about trying to hurt me. And everything that happened that night he was trying to get me. He wasn't trying to help me. I couldn't see his help nor receive it because I was so full of self-centred. At that moment. At that night. A lot of it fatigue, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. All those things. All those people. thing. But I would suggest for me that when I was two and a half years sober, I called my sponsor one Friday night and I said, you know what? It's 930. He said, I said you know what my boss said to me today? At five o'clock he came by my office. You know what he said to be and he said what? And I told him what he says to me. I said you know I can't believe this guy and I was just going on and on and off. And he said David what time is it? I said it's 9 30. He says is that AM or PM? I I said it's p.m. he said are you sure I said dark outside he said well where are you standing and I said I'm in my house he said look down and tell me the color of the carpet I'm on the phone 43 years old it's brown carpet he said you're in your den I said exactly he said David what time is that I said 930 he said now what time did your weekend start the only weekend you have this year the only time off you have that week excuse me to celebrate your work this week. What time did it start? I said, five o'clock. He said, well, let me ask you a question. How long are you going to choose to hold on to this? He said now maybe you can hold on to it all night and maybe hold onto it to nine o' clock Saturday morning and just mess your whole Friday night up. Is that what you choose to do? I don't have a choice. He said, yes, you do. He's like, well maybe if you try hard, you can go on to it to six o' clock Saturday afternoon and mess up your whole Saturday. He says of course if you want to go, go for Gusco, go Gusco and hold onto ten o' clocks Sunday morning and mess up your whole Saturday night and Sunday morning too. He said, you know, maybe that's what you want to do. He says, of course, if you really want to have a wonderful weekend like you did last weekend, you can just hold on to this until 9 o'clock Monday morning. And he just messed up your entire weekend. He asked me, what are you going to choose to do? And I said, there's no choice, Keith. And then he said something very powerful. He said David, what do you get out of being a victim? And you know what I said? I don't get anything, Keith. It was a goat roping, that's what it was. And you know what he said? He said, you must because you keep doing it to yourself and he slammed the phone down. well I called him back I said we need to talk about this and we have for a long time you see I acquired a way of living based on self-centeredness bondage to self bondage to self that destroys the quality of my life not quantity I've lived a wonderful quantity life My quality is real suspect. Real suspect, you see. And I think that's, for me, this whole program. I think for me being able to move from the bondage of self is the critical nature of my disease, the bondagem of self-centeredness and selfishness. I really believe that because when I am in that bondage there's no way I can enjoy life. You know, in fact, you know what I have? I've determined, so what Keith and I have done, we've inventoried being a victim, what it means. And here's what I find, that when I'm a victim When I am full of self-seeking and self-pity, you know what I can do? I can work the 12-step program in everyone around me's life beautifully. It's wonderful. I've got answers for them. I can tell them what they need to do and when they need it. I can show them how they need to come and how they need to go. I can give them all those things. You know what I can't do is work the 12 steps in my life because it's not my problem. See, if I don't have a problem, I can' t work them in my life. And as long as these people are persecuting me out here, it's their problem. It's their problem. In fact, the first thing we did is I took my eight-step list and I took the top 15 people on the eight- step list and I was supposed to write down on the list the people who persecuted me the majority of my life and 13 of those 15 were my primary persecutors. Do you know what a persecutor is? It's that person who makes your life miserable. They would just understand you. If they would just act differently, your life would be better. If If they would just do things differently, if they would talk differently, if they wouldn't respect me, if they would love me, they would give me money, if they would do anything. Here's who they were. God. He let my grandmother die. He led my dad to have cancer. He left my first girlfriend with me. I had four or five such good real things that God had really hacked me off about and I knew he was out to get me. He let my mom beat me at 13. I mean, he did all that. It was my mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law, my sister, my mother-in law, my wife, my mom, my mother- in-law and my father-in law, my two children, my aunt Lossie and a girl at work named Betty joke. Twenty-one years worth of petty jokes. Those were the people, those were the people, and honestly I had a wonderful plan for their life. It was not a kind plan or a compassionate plan but it was a plan and as long as I focused on that guess what I did not have to do look at me say the last thing I want to do is look at meet the last day so laughing so that's what we did we looked at me that's when inventory is about fourth and fifth I put six and seven eight tonight? Tenth is about. Eleventh is about? Yeah. Third's about? And so what I would suggest is that what happened is I started looking at the prices I paid, and what I've had to do in my recovery is to say, okay, here's my actions. Here's what's happening. Here is the price I'm paying, and then it becomes a choice. Do I want to keep paying that price or not? It's that simple. And if I want pay the price today, then I guess I have to go there today. If I don't want to pay the prize today, I don' t want to go there today, And I think that was back to Dan, our question at dinner. You know, how do you deal with the day and the problems? It's just, do I want to go there? Do I wantto go there or not? And what I'm learning today is that I don't want togo there as muchas I used to. I don' t know if that's age or what, but it's justI don't wanna go there anymore. It'sjust too painful. And I would suggest that what we've had, what I've had to do is to look at my behavior in a six- and seven-step model. You know,, if this is my behavior and this is what I' m doing and these are my defects, doI want to choose to gothere again? And if not, I'm going to say, God, I humbly ask you to remove this from me because I don't know how. You see, I think for me the seventh step is simply an accommodation of trying to make perfect the sixth step and I can't do it. If I can work the sixth step, I have to look at the seventh. If I cannot say, I am going to give you all my defects, if you know why I cannot give them up, they define me. They define me as I know me and until I can have enough faith and hope in this program and hear you tell me how and your life is changing and how you're living without pride, greed, lust, envy, sloth, jealousy, all these things that control your life and how your letting go pieces at a time until I have that faith coming to believe in the second step manner. I can't let it go either. I want to tell you about my last two years of drinking. Things like ladies are a story to tell about that but it's very important. You see, I drank for 22 years. The last two year I drank very, very secretly but drank very privately. I drank in a six foot by seven foot bathroom. Let me tell you about my bathroom had a toilet in it Had a tub had a tub enclosure had exhaust fan had a louver door and old magazine rack. It was a nice bathroom As bathrooms go And it was the only place in my world that I felt safe That was it So I take my beer my wine my liquor in there I'd hide it in my pockets and I would hide it under my magazine rack and I'd go in and I turned on my exhaust fan. I was a closet smoker for five years. Nobody knew how to smoke them, right? And so I would take out my cigarettes and I Would smoke my cigarettes with my exhaust pan on and drink my magazine, watch and read my magazines and drink My alcohol and just have a ball. How much better could you want it? You know what I think? How much Better could you Want it? A beautiful day like today, you know what i'd be doing by now? Because I'd start drinking about 8 or 8 30 as soon as it came to from Friday night. I lived on a lake with a boat, and I knew exactly in that lake where it's 25 feet of water. And I knew exactamente where I was going to go with that boat, and I was gonna drown myself. And I had all the details worked out. I worked on just a tremendous amount of details. I wasn't gonna do it today, but I was next Saturday. When I started this process, it was gonna be soon. Then it was going be this fall, then it was gon' be this summer, and then it's gon' in two weeks or next month. And then it became next Saturday I never got to that day, thank God. But see, the only answer I had It was very peaceful. It wasn't horrible, but I had to be fine. You know, I had it be like an accident. My ankle rope had to catch me. It had to been an accident because I had get double indemnity on my life insurance. I mean, I have to have people who know I was okay, you know, fine. I'm just fine. I was a sick human being is what I was. See, I didn't know that. I thought I was bad, but that was sick. And so I think the thing for me in going through treatment and getting out, I'll never forget the last day Claire said to me, And she said, David, you've got to promise me one thing. I said, what's that? She said, you have to promise that you'll go home and enjoy your family, not fix your family. And I said of course, I'll be glad to. Thank you, thank you. We'll be fine. Now let me tell you about my family. 17 year old son, 225 pound tackle on the football team, 6'5". He'd been threatening to commit suicide for the last six months. He was busting holes in the walls of our home with his fist. He was busting windshields of cars out from the inside out with his fist. A very angry, violent young man. He also, by the way, made good grades. Isn't that interesting? I'll talk about that in just a minute. Our son Scott at that time was 13. He was our runner. Scott was the kind of guy you never missed him because he was never there. And he would pick up underwear and leave again. I don't know where the guys stayed. We don't Know Where He Ate. If he came in, you know what the rule in our house was? ye who yell the loudest and the longest one. Well, David was in there refereeing the deal and Scott was running from the deal. He got on his bike and he would leave and go stay with Todd and Bill and John and we don't know where he'd stay but he would go to get out of it. That's what it was. That's our life. I'm supposed to enjoy them. You know what I realized on the way home? As I didn't know how. You know why I did? I bought a 10,000 joke book by Milton Berle. I still got it in the trunk of my car if anybody wants to borrow it. It's about this thick. I would get a better joke book than Milton Berle, though. His jokes are not very funny. And I would, on the way home from work, I would learn three or four jokes. I'd have them on the front seat of my car and at the stoplight, I would flip over and read a couple. Oh, this is a good one. I would catch it. I'd go into my house and I'd say, Good afternoon, David Scott. Good to see you. They're in doing homework or whatever. And I'd do, Dun-dun-dunn-dunk-dum-dung. How about this one? And I throw them a joke. And they looked at me in utter amazement. You know how we laughed in our house? It was, hee, he, he. You know what a hee laugh is? It's not a belly laugh. You laugh right till here, but you don't want to laugh full belly because you give up control of your body and then if the next shoe falls and somebody gets angry, what are you going to do? So by the way, hees, heees, heese, that's cute. And we couldn't laugh. So they would look at me in utter, wouldn't laugh at my jokes. I said, well, what about this one? Da-da-da, boom, second one, third one. I said okay, I'm going to go change my clothes and I'm gonna practice, I'll be back. So I'd go in my bedroom and practice real loudly They'd say these jokes over and over real loudly, and I'd change them up a little bit. It was an interesting situation. And I'd come back out, and I said, What about this? Boom. Well, after a while, they started laughing, but they weren't laughing at my jokes. They were laughing at me trying to tell those jokes. But you know what we did? We laughed. It broke some ice. I don't know if you know why I'm saying this. We had to have something to break the ice of all this pain, all this fear, all this anger. And so we went through that. I was home just a few days, and my son David was playing a TV and stereo wide open, literally at 4.30 on Monday morning. I had to go to work. I was frightened, so I got out of bed. He woke me up, and I went in, and in my best treatment motif, I said to him, David, I need for you to cut the TV down. I'm feeling very frightened right now, and he looked at me, and said, I'm not going to cut it down, and you can't make me. And he's laying on this sofa. I said, no, David, let me explain my feelings to you. I don't think you understand my feelings. My feelings are that I'm feeling very frightened right now and I'm feelin' very anxious about goin' to work and I need you to cut the TV down. Well, he jumps up and I am looking up at him like this. He comes over to me and he starts punchin' me in the chest and he had his nose about that far from my face and he said, I'm not gonna cut it down and you can't make me. Well, I lost my treatment motif at that point and I started punchin'. I started punching him back. You see, what I realized at that moment is I realized this guy's... I've been gone for three months. This guy's taking control of my house. That's what's happening here. This guy has taken control of me. He's in control of the whole of my health. I've got to take it back. It's called bondage to self. That's how it looks like. And here's what it sounds like. I'm not going to cut it down and you can't make... And you know what I sounded like? It's my TV. It's myself that you're laying on. Those clothes on your back, I bought for you. That's why it's called. That's all it sounds. bondage to self and i'm not you know if you're going to cut it down and boring i'm going and you know what he did he yelled at me as loud as anybody has ever yelled at me and i've been out of treatment 93 days he said i've not been home about four days he said to me you alcoholic you've destroyed my life get out of it he used some profanity which i won't use from this podium and he was that far from me when he yelled it and I don't know why I did not hit him. But I think I do. My sponsor and my counselor asked me to pray for each of my family members every day. What I wanted for me to prayer that for them. And I think that's an important prayer. Takes a lot of the sting out of the relationship to pray to people. And so what I did as I walked away started crying and then I finally decided I would call my sponsor it was quarter to five in the morning I said, good morning. Did I wake you up? Oh, no, I didn't wake him up. I said. You know what my son just called me? He said, what? I said an alcoholic. He said real quietly. Well, aren't you? I said well yeah. He said he called you what you are. I said okay. But you know he was punching me in the chest. He was punching. He was yelling at me. And he said. were you punching him in the chest and yelling at him i said yeah but he provoked me that's not a good verb to use with my sponsor he said uh well where do you think david is right now he's still in house i said yes he's in the den he's playing the stereo just as loud as he ever had he said i want you to go in there now i'm on the phone it's you know five o'clock in the morning he said i want you go in here and say david i'm very sorry i yelled at you i'll try not to do that again. And he said, then when you say that, I want you to say, David, may I have permission to hug you? Oh, okay. Thank you, Keith. Oh, I am. Hmm. I am so sorry I woke you up this morning. Yeah. Hey, hope you can go back to sleep. Yeah, have a good day, buddy. Okay. All right, thank you so much. I really appreciate you being there for me. Okay. Hug him? Hug him. You know how to handle stuff like that, don't you? Fondle yourself. You wouldn't speak to him. Wouldn't give him, as I said just a minute ago, I would not look at him. I'll show them who's in charge here. That's how I'm going to do it. So I got a shower and went to work. I was the first one there. It's about 520. workplace the first day back after nine 90 days in treatment is not a fun place when you're only one there because your thinking starts doing this and here's what happened to me a bowl of whatever it was pain hit me in my gut right here and you know what i realized and i don't know why i realized but i realized if i did not go do what my sponsor suggested that i was going to have to drink the vodka that I stole from the chairman of the board's liquor locker and I knew how to do that. I've done that for several years and fill it back up with water. I'd have to do this. And so I went home. I don't know why. And my son, it was just at day break, he was pacing out by the lake and I went over to him and he was so angry and I said to him, David, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I'll try not to dothat again. And he looked at me like I was a perfect stranger. And in fact, I was. In fact, I was. And I said, may I have permission to hug you? And he went, what? I said can I hug you. Oh yeah. It's like this podium. Well I put my arm around him. I didn't touch him. I just put my arms around him like this. Just never touched him. And I closed my eyes and I was thinking my sponsor is full of fools. You know, I said those lines he gave me. Now what am I going to do? I'm going to put my tail between my legs, get in my car. My son's got control of my house forever. Vanish yourself. And just the second I started to let that 16, 17-year-old go, guess what he did? He grabbed me and he hugged me and wept. And he said, please forgive me. Please forgive me for what I said to you this morning. I am so sorry. He said, I am so proud of you for what you're trying to do with your life, Dad. I want to support you and I love you. You know what I could say to him? That I loved him. And I could also say to hem that for the last 17 1⁄2 years, I am so sorry that you've lived in a home here that I've prepared and have tried to help build. And that in that home, you have never known me one minute of one hour of one day of one month of one year without alcohol or drugs in my body. I'm very sorry. And I told him I was laying on the ground at 13. I did not plan it that way. See, I did not plan on the ground at 13 about how it's going to change my life and just make this whole plan for my life. I did not plan on urinating on myself in my easy chair in my den. Passed out. I didn't plan on that. That wasn't part of my plan. I didn' say I'm going to grow up and do those things. But that's what happened to me. And we stood there and we hugged and I told him to be honest with him that my sponsor suggested I do that. He said he would like to call him. I said, it's fine. So we went back in. I was 615 now, I guess. Oh, if you've ever had those early in recovery, but boy, I had some long nights. Seven o'clock in the morning, we had had a full agenda and this was like 615. And so I called you and said, Keith, did I wake you up? And David thanked him for what he was doing in my life. And then he started to leave. And I said, well, Keith I've got to go to work now. Real. For real. He said, no I want you to stay on the phone a minute. And here's what he told me. He says, I want to you from this moment forward to go forward in your life and sponsor your children. I don't want you parent them again. He said, your parenting is killing them. Because you're so filled with this bondage of self And what you're trying to do is invoke that on them. He said, You need to just let them go. I said, What do you mean I need to sponsor them? He said you don't give them any advice until they ask you for it. And then you only give them your experience. I said but they'll never ask me. They don't want to know what I've got to say. They won't listen to me. He said isn't that wonderful that part of your life's over. and for about two seconds it felt pretty good i said what do you mean he said you just let them be he said let them be you see what my bondage to self this is so the my bond my bond is to self has ripped shreds of dignity from my children and from the people i care about just a bit of the time, just a bit of the times, until there's no dignity left. And that's called insanity. That's called insanity. Of the life, of the life. And so what I had to do was let them go, and that still is the hardest thing in the world to do. It's better now. I had work with my children on developing solutions, options, and they're making those choices instead of me. I have to let them have their life. You see, I realize that as long as I'm in bondage to self, i play god and as long as i do that they don't need one and my job is to get out so they can have one and that's worked in their lives um the other thing i want to share with you four weeks after this day was my son david i'll tell you how powerful this disease is uh he was laying on the sofa now let me tell you about his summer this was in august he had not been able to get off the sofa all summer he could not try out for football his senior year he couldnot he was so depressed he could not get off the sofa. He could not function. He did not have a job. He laid all day and slept on the sofa he stayed up all night. It was a real bizarre time. He was very angry, knocking holes in the house. He was crazy. Crazy. Anytime you push it he threatens to attack. And he looked at me. He rolled over. This was like two days before school started. I'll never forget this moment. I hope I don't. He said, Dad, I'm not going to be able to be valedictorian this year. He said he was ranked third in his class academically. He said I've got this course and that course, and I'm not going to be able to pull my grade point average. I know these two people are going to do well and da-da-da. He said, I am so sorry I've let you down. Now think about that. He can't function. He cannot get out of the house, and he's worried about valedictorian? And then I thought back, sitting in that den with him. I thought, well, how did this happen? And you know how it happened? When he got into the first grade and the second grade and third grade, you know when he got to the third grade and got his first A, B's and C's, you knew what I did out of bondage to myself i said to him hey i want you to do well son and i said i want you to be well but you know what i wanted i wanted him to do so i would look good if he did well in school then i breathed brilliance if he did bad i breathes dumbness that was all about me not about him and so what i said is ill give you ten dollars for every a ill I'll give you $5 for every B, and you pay me for C's and D's. And I said, we'll do that. Every time you bring your report card home, I come to me, and I'll bring my checkbook out, and we'll deal with it. We'll do this stuff. And boy, it was a real nice time when report cards came out. We had a party. I did. They didn't. And I gave them their checks, and they were so excited, and I was so excited. And all I did was just show them in my bondage to myself that they're only important to me if they made good grades. And so he looked at me, and he said, I'm sorry, Blanche. you down. And I said, son, it's okay. And what I realized at that moment is I had him in bondage to himself and I had to let that go. And i had i said to him, i said, i never ever want to see a report your report card again. That's totally your business. I trust you. And he said, what do you mean? I said i never want to be it again. that's totally Your business. i trust that you'll do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself if you want to go to college great i'll support you but it's not conditional on your making a if you wanna go to call you do what you need to do. If you can get through college and they'll give you a degree, I'll help you. And he looked at me and he said, what? He got real angry. And he fell off the sofa onto the floor. True story. He was 17, 225 pound tackle on the football team. And he turned on his back and he started kicking with his hands and his feet. He said, you can't do that. You can't doing that. What will grandmother think? And what will grandmother thinking? What will mother thinking? And what will my brother thinking? what will My grandmother? And he named every member of his family what will they think of me and i got out of my chair and i went over and i crawled down on the floor with that boy he was a boy and i held him and we cried and i said it okay they love you just like i do and i'm so sorry to sponsor him i never had to see his report card again i knew that it was hardest thing i've ever done and i even sneaked around did you see david's report card Just checking. Is he okay? Well, just check it. But for his senior year I didn't see it. His first two years at the University of North Carolina did not see it and he did well, I guess. But then he came to me in his sophomore year and he said, Dad, and he handed me an envelope. He said, Dad, I want you to look at this. I said, what is this? He said these are my grades for the first two years. I want you to see these. And I said, now wait a minute. We've been through this. I said are you sure? He said yeah. I said well why do you want me to see them? And then this is what he said. He said dad I want you to help me celebrate my accomplishment. You see that's a different perspective. See that's freedom from bondage of self for me. You see. So this program for me is about trying to free myself from bondages of self. I'll give you another example. I was about three years sober. My sister called me and she said David I want to be in my wedding. And I said, sure. I thought of an usher or something. She said, I want you to sing in my wedding. I said what? She said yeah, I wanted you to do a thing. I said I don't sing that well. She said well I'm going to send you a tape and sheet music. And she said if you'll sing a duet, I want to sing one part of the duet. I said no problem. I'll try it. So I got this tape. It was Lee Greenwood and Barbra Streisand to me or something and I was going around Pebbles singing Lee Greenood. Man, I almost started to grow a beard. I mean to me from light to light and people would sit there at the light and I'd just, to me. Came that October day, I had to go and sing this at the wedding rehearsal. It was on a Friday night, you know, and there's just a few people in the church, my family, and I'm up there and they had the pianist playing and I came out and I had the start of the song and the accompanist was there at the box. I do not remember. And anyway, I opened my mouth and this brick came out. I've never heard this note in my life. I had never heard that note. I don't think they make a note like that. I don'T think they've ever seen a note Like that. And this ball of fear, of course I was very frightened, you know that fear of ooh and then it hit me and you know what I thought? I've got to do this again tomorrow with this place full. And here's what I started to do. Bondage to self took over. And here is what happened through the afternoon and evening that night. That fear, thinking. At dinner, you know have you ever been at a dinner and people are saying and talking to you and you're going oh yeah, yeah, thank you, I'm fine. You have no idea what they're saying. no idea. See, I'm so into bondage of self. I'm so into thinking myself. My thinking's, you know, it's got me real busy. I can't listen to them. My thinking's got be busy. I don't have time for their talk. And I've agreed to some interesting things like that. Oh yeah, I'll be glad. Oh, you want to help me move? That's wonderful, David. No, I... I went home and went to bed and I got up. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't sleep. Had a little dysentery, a little upset stomach. You know how typical fear goes. A little tension right up here in the back, you know, neck. You know, just a little tension. A little creaking of the neck and I tossed and tumbled. Finally I got up from my big book about 6 o'clock in my big, big book and I went out to do my prayer meditation. It's going to be very spiritual that day because I'm singing a wedding. And I started thinking. You see, what I had already started thinking is if I sing in this wedding real well, then they'll probably want me for other weddings. There'll be people in the audience who... wedding music incorporated i could see it coming so i got to do real well today you know and probably somebody's ever recording contract go hear that too so i'm sitting on my big book my big big book and i'm you know praying meditating real it's a real spiritual moment folks and here's what i did gail i woke up with a real sore throat this morning I don't think I can sing in your wedding today. I said, oh, and I can't do that to her. Let's get spiritual again. It's real spiritual. And then I practiced again. Gil, this is your brother David. Oh, I woke up with a real sore throat. That girl's going to have to sing a solo today. I said I can do that. I got spiritual again, you know, make me a river of paths about peace and I was meditating. And I laid my books down. You know what I did? What I've done for 40 years. I went to my bathroom to get sick. You see, when I can't face reality in my life and when I'm so much in bondage to myself, you know what I do? I give myself permission to drop out of life and I get sick, I've had stomachaches and headaches and backaches and flus and viruses lower back pain, upper back pain elbow joint, I have that a lot you know those types of things amazing amazing this sickness because i couldn't face the reality and i was in bondage to myself and i went to the bathroom to get sick and i took my glasses off because i always did this when i'm on a hangover morning i would try to look sick before i called in sick i don't feel ever practiced that way Anita, this is David. I got a virus this morning. I can't come in. And she'd say, oh, you sound terrible. Don't you come in and give us all that? And I'd go, yeah. And about two seconds later, I feel guilty because I knew I lied. But I went in the bathroom that morning to look sick before I called my sister at 6.30 to wake her up and tell her I couldn't sing in her wedding as if this was the most important thing in her day today. Catch the bondage yourself. Do you follow what I'm saying? And I looked at my mirror, and I was getting sick, and I went, Gail, I can't see me in a way. And I glanced up, and my sponsor had me right on my mirror when I was first sober, David, you're wrong, in the upper left-hand corner. I never understood why. In fact, I debated that a little bit. He said, no, you need to learn how to be wrong. He said you don't know how to do it. and i glanced up and saw david you're wrong and i took a step back and i really did i did a 10-step inventory kind of a spot inventory i said my mother's in another town asleep my sister's asleep my my family's asleep there's no human being in the world making me afraid but me that's powerful information because i always thought it was them those persecutors But my bondage itself is my fear. And what I was able to say is, thank God I'm wrong right now because if I was right right now, I'd have to live this way the rest of my life. But because I can be wrong, I can move on. So I went back and I failed to say this in a sharing about three weeks ago and somebody said, what happened to the wedding? You know what I did? I decided I would go sing to my sister. You see, she did not think I was Lee Greenwood. I did. She knew exactly who I was, David. And that's who she asked to sing at her wedding. And so I went and I sang to my sister. You see, when I'm in bondage to self, and I really did, I looked at her face, I sang for her, I didn't care if anybody else heard it or not. She asked me to be of service to her on this special day. What a privilege. You see I have given up the privilege of service because of my bondage to self. And I think this whole program, the 12 steps, the whole last step is about having a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps so that I can take this message, can live these principles in all my life, but can take it to other people. And you know how I take it? It's attraction, not promotion. It's by being assertive. Somebody said the first five steps are about learning who I am. The second five, six through ten, is about accepting who I am, and 11 and 12 is about forgetting who I am. You know, that's an important part, I think. Forgetting. I want to share with you this whole process with my mother. I want to go back to that. I won't leave you on the ground at 13 when she was kicking me. I got into treatment. I was very angry with her, very angry with her. I had tried to show her, you know what I was going to show my mother? That I didn't need her. It's an interesting thing. You see, when I got into treatment, I was having problems, as I said, with my second son, Scott. It wasn't working out. My first son and I had started over from that morning that we had that occasion in the backyard to now. He got into treatment three months later after going, he just finally came and said, what do you suggest? I said well, I went into treatment why don't you look at it? And he went to get some help. He got in to ACOA and Al-Anon as a sponsor. He just did a good job of his life. We went to a lot of open area meetings together his senior year in high school. We had a good time. my youngest son we did not have a good time it was pretty pretty serious and so this whole concept of how to have a relationship and i was talking to my sponsor one night and he said something that i was praying for my mother because i've been suggesting that i do but he said something that really hacked me off and i didn't think was fair okay he said david until you work on the relationship with your parents your relationship with your children will be similar. I didn't like that. I didn' t like that at all. I didn''t think that was fair because of what they did to me. He said, But until you deal with that, they will not have the relationship you want with you. And so I had to get serious about this thing with my mom. I went to treatment and I was so angry and about the third day there, my counselor, she said to me, She said, Why are you so angry? It was in group. You know how the group is. She said, why are you so angry? And I said, me? I'm not angry. I'm fine. Just happened to be in detox center. And she said, what are you angry with? You know, that started pushing me. I said I'm angry with my mother. And she says, why? And I say, well here's what happened at 13 and 14 and 15 and 16 and 17 and 19 and 20 and 21. I knew every detail of what she did to me, said to me didn't say to me didn't do to me and did to mean every detail. I had them right here right here in my fist And in my mind, I carried them every day. And she said, David, let me ask you a question. What do you think your mother had for dinner last night? I said, I don't know. Claire, I was here in detox. She said, well, how far is she from here? I said about 600 miles. She said well, what would you have wanted if you'd been at her house? I said I wanted fried chicken, potato salad, green beans, a roll of iced tea, lemon meringue pie. She said what did you have here in Detox, David for dinner that night? That's where Claire wasn't too hungry. I had a little upset stomach, you know, trying to work through some things in my life and had a Little Roll and a Little Tea. She said, well, David, how much sleep do you think your mother got last night? I said, I don't know. She said,"Well, take a guess." I said,"Seven hours." She said:"David, how many sleep did you get last night?" I said--"Claire, I was trying to deal with a few things, you know trying to think through my life, you now being in detox about three days and I wanted to smoke so I had to get out of my bed and go to the day room and smoke." And I said about an hour and a half. She said--"What do you thing your mother had for breakfast?" I said:"I don't Know." She said-"Well, Take a guess!" I said, okay, eggs over easy grit, sausage, toast, strawberry jelly, orange juice, and coffee. She said, David, what did you have for breakfast here in Deton? I said well I wasn't too hungry, Claire. I was just a little upset. I had to think and I smoked too much last night and my chest was a little inflamed. I was hacking a little bit. I just didn't feel like eating. She said David, where do you think your mother is right now? It's like 945 in the morning. I said my mother is 69. She's retired. She's probably talking to a friend, visiting with a friend. Probably she's watching a slow pop or a game show. That's probably what she's doing. She said, David, where are you right now? Now for the first time in my life, do you know what I did? I stopped. I don't know if you know who I mean. I stopped You see, I've been a human doing all my life. I didn't know what i was doing but i was doing it. I've never been a human being. The first moment of being a human being experience I ever had was sitting in these meetings where I saw people who I thought were about to fall asleep, who I understand now we're serene and at peace. Being. You know? Just being. I never, I never experienced that. And so I stopped and I said, I'm sitting in a damn treatment center trying to kill myself. And you know what she said? She didn't say, well, I'm sorry about that. She said, well, it seems to me your mother's life's going along pretty well. And it seems to me you're trying to kill yourself. She said do you know what? Your mother doesn't even know you're fighting her. I said of course she knows I'm fighting her! You know if you're fighting somebody and they don't know you are fighting them there can't be a fight. She said have you ever walked to her and taken her by the blouse and pulled her face to your face and said, Mother, every day the rest of your life I'm just going to show you. I said, No, I've never done that. She said, Then she does not know and the fight you're fighting is between your two ears. I didn't like that. She asked me to pray for my mom. Would I do that? And she said, If I did, then I'd have to leave. I'd had to admit I'm powerless over alcohol and my life's unmanaged. I'd to admit that I'm powerless over my mother that my life's unmanageable regarding that relationship. I had to admit that I was powerless over what had happened to me in that relationship, that my wife would become unmanaged. But I had let go of those things. And if I didn't choose to do that, I had leave because she or no other human being could help me and that I would drink again. You know? I didn'y have anywhere to go. My family sent me off with a 28-day wonder, be fixed, come home, don't come home until you're fixed. And I didn''t have anywhere at three days. So I stayed. And I prayed for my mom. And then she said, did you pray for her? And I said yes. She said, will you pray every day for the next two weeks? I thought I could. And so nothing really happened except I prayed every day. And then in two weeks, you know what she said? Did you pray for her every day for the last two weeks? I said, yeah. She said, will you do it for the next two weeks. I was there three months, two weeks at a time. And the last thing she said after don't fix your family and enjoy them, she said, pray for your mother every day, it's important. Well, for the first year and a half in recovery, I did that. I did not want to see my mother. We lived 65 miles apart. I saw her two half days a year, Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day. sometimes not even thank you i did not want to see her i did not call her i didn't want to go around her and uh i'd gone on with my life i was gonna prove to her that i could not i could live without her that was the whole proof that was what i was going to show her and in the process i was killing myself by the way didn't know that and so finally my sponsor we started working on the eight step list you know he told me when we worked on the eight step lift because we'd worked on six and seven he said you've got to accept the acceptance that god gives you that's the only way you're gonna let go of these defects if you don't feel accepted you're and keep trying to use them. Then we got to step eight, he said, I want you to start acting differently so people will treat you differently. I said, what do you mean? He said, I want your mom to treat you like an adult so people won't stop treating you like a child. I didn't like that either. And he said... I said what does that mean? He said I want to write your mother. I said I don't have anything to say to her. He said that's not the point. She lives 65 miles away. When was the last time you talked to her? I said about 8 months ago. He said i want you write her. I said, well, what do I say? He said, I want you to say, dear mom, thinking of you, David. I said but I'm thinking bad thoughts. He said that's okay. She won't know that. She'll think you're thinking good thoughts because she doesn't know you're fighting. I said okay. So I went and I had to buy a funny card from Eckhart Struxure, a little smiley face, a little sun face. So I bought that and put, dear Mom, thinking if you take it. I mailed it. And about three weeks later he said, did you hear from your mother? I said no. He said well mail her another card. I said well she didn't write me back. He said mail her an other card. I said what do you want to say? He said, say the same thing. Dear Mom, I'm thinking of you, David. You know what happened? I got a letter back. And you know what she said? Dear David, thank you so much for letting me know that you're thinking of me every day. I didn't say that! Well, she sent me this little cartoon out of the paper on Donald Duck and I thought it looked like Donald Duck. That was cute. So I wrote her back. You know why she did? She wrote me back. You know how funny how things work that way. And then I called her. I said, why don't you come down and visit? And so she came to Febola to visit. My sister brought her down. She's 72 at this time. And she walked in, such an important point. She walked in. She sat on the end of the sofa about as far as we are apart here, you and I deal. And basically, she looked at us and she said, When I was six years old, I sat in my great-grandmother honeycut slap and she ran her fingers through my red hair and told me what a beautiful girl I was and what a nice person I was. And everything within me wanted to say, Mom, I've heard that dumb story 250 times. We're here to visit. And something stopped me. I think praying for her stopped me, freedom from bondage of self. And what I was able to see in my mother was that she was absolutely terrorized. She did not know what to say to her own two children. And do you know what I could see? I saw in her, I saw my fear in her. You see, I could feel that for the first time. You see I thought my mom was a mean woman and what I realized that morning is my mother was a frightened woman, very terrified. So we continued to write and call and visit. When I was four years sober I asked her to go on a trip. We'd never been on a trip together. My dad had died about eight years before, and she was, you know, I just wanted to get her out of town. So we went up to see the cherry blossoms here in Washington, close to here, and we're driving up 95, and you know what she said to me? She said, David, do you know how it feels to be terrorized as a child? I said, yeah, I do. She said when I burned, I was 10 years old, I burned a biscuit in the oven, and my dad took a tobacco stick and beat me. She said I was scared to death. I wasn't enough, and I couldn't ever please him. And I told her, I said, Mom, when I broke those eggs at 13, I want to apologize to you because I didn't listen. You asked me not to ride my bike. I pretended I didn' t hear you, but my amends is I did hear you and I still rode the bike and I broke these eggs and I'm very sorry. And this was the time she was kicking me that day. It was a very bad day in my life. And she stopped me and she said, David, please don't. She said, There has not been a day in the last 38 years of my life that I have not thought about that incident with tremendous shame and tremendous guilt. Can you ever forgive me? What I realized at that moment is that my mother had paid a greater price than I had paid, but my bondage of self would not let me see that. It would not allow me to see that my price was better. You see, the thing I have to understand is in resentment and self-pity that the resentments, after I did my resentments on my fourth step, on page 67 it says what part in the resentment did i have i didn't like that page because for me the act caused the resentment i never separated the act beating kicking from the resentment I had for her and what I understand is if I don't if my part is not the resentment I am screwed because I can never let it go if it's somebody else calls the resentment then I am in real bad shape and recovery but what I have to understand is the act happened The act happened. And I think it's sexual abuse, physical abuse as a child. It's not the child's fault you're children. You know, it's a child thing. I mean, it'S an adult child thing, but from the moment the act ended, my part has been the resentment for 27 years. And if it's not my part, I have no ability to change or let go of it. And so my job is to let go of the resentment. You see, sitting in that car that day, I realized my mother paid a greater price than I paid, and I realized we both had paid enough. Do you know what I mean by paid enough? She's 72 years old. Or actually, she was 73. I'm 44 years old, how much longer are we going to carry this hatchet from one and a half minutes of episodes when I was 13? How much longer do I want to destroy my quality to burn my sunlight of the Spirit? How much younger do I have to be? How much more longer do you want to do that? That's my choice. So I let it go. I prayed and I asked God for help. Now let me tell you about my mom. She's 78 today. She's had open heart surgery. We've had the privilege of going through that with her and her hip break a couple of years ago. But I go up and I visit her now, and we go to the Garner Senior Citizens Club for lunch. We have 323 friends there. And, you know, how you doing? How you doing?" You remember Mrs. Jones? Oh, yeah, how are you, Ms. Jones, good to see you. And about a year and a half ago, I went to see my mom one night, and I said, Mom, how's it going? Are you making new friends at the Senior Citizens' Club? And she said, Yeah. And I said... And she turned red. She blushed. She started giggling. I said,"What's your name?" Ha-ha! And she said, Lawrence? Oh, Lawrence. Tell me about Lawrence. Well, she told me about his open-heart surgery scar and his teeth, and she told my about all kinds of things. I went to her. She said, are you upset with me? Oh, she was scared. I said, oh, no, I'll pray for you in Lawrence. I wish you well. I wish every happiness, Mother. You deserve it. the next morning I went to say goodbye and she sat up on the bed and she put her head on my shoulder and started crying and she said thank you so much I was so frightened you would not accept Lauren and she started crying now let me tell you something at that moment, do you know what if it had not been for you if it hadn't been for these 12 steps do you think I would have done I would've gone to my grave or her grave never having experienced that moment of intimacy you see what I give up when I'm a victim is I give up the right and the ability to have an intimate relationship with my persecutors. Being here has been a privilege. I spoke here a few years ago. It's great to be back. So nice to see some folks I've seen before. Thank you for letting me share. Love you.