The Bias and Prejudice of Self – Otto M.

When I sent him that, I didn't expect him to read it. Had to put a little more thought into it. I'm Otto an alcoholic and I'm excited and happy to be part of your Missouri State Convention starting the new millennium and we're going to pass it on tonight, and we're going to keep passing it on for year after year after year after years. I'm getting used to Missouri. It's nice to see you guys again. Steve and Susan hosted me here. You guys keep showing off. It says, show me state. And every time I come to Missouri, you guys put me with hosts that are real special people. Are Tom and Drew here tonight? Haven't seen Tom and Drew? See, after they've been with me a while, then they don't come back. But is Gary here? Gary, he hosts me in Springfield. Okay, well, they learned. Dave and Mona, they'll learn. But we had a delightful trip over here. We had lunch. It was a lot of fun. Very enjoyable people. Mona's the trip. Wave Mona. Everybody know Mona? This is Dave's wife, Mona, over here, she's the real pretty little blonde. she took real good care of me coming in she entertained me to no end we went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant and as we were leaving she asked why they would have a map of Florida on the wall and it was a map of Mexico laughter she's been sober a long time but the glue is killing her laughter Oh, so we've had a few laughs already today. Love getting together and meeting the folks. I'm going to just tell you a little bit tonight about what it was like for me, what happened, and what it's like now, and hopefully some of you out there will get some of the gifts that I've been given by others who've stood in front of the group and told their stories. I think this is the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous. For years and years and years, people tried to tell me that I had a problem. Otto, you've got a problem, you drink too much, you take too much medication, you taketo many pills. Otto you shouldn't do this. And my pat answer for all of them was you don't understand. You don't understand. Hell if you had my problems, you'd drink the way I drink. I like to drink. I'm a good drinker. I like the way it tastes. I don't have a problem drinking. I can drink a lot. I drink often. And I couldn't hear that I had a problem. I never tried to quit drinking. I'm not a drunkard. I'm just a person who never tried to quit drinkin'. I know there's many among us who have tried time and time again to quit drankin' and have quit, but have not stayed quit. I quit. I never tried to quit before I got here. Because I never wanted to. Never had a clue I needed to. Why would I quit? I like to drink. I'm a drinker. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't drink. You know, my problem was is I couldn'T stand the way I felt when I wasn't drinking. So why would I not drink? That was a ridiculous concept to me. I grew up around alcohol. I grewup in a family where drinking was commonplace. In my family, we give each other alcohol and drugs for birthdays and Christmas. My brother gave me cocaine for Christmas and God, I didn't know he loved me that much. Jeez. Jeez. Then, of course... My family, we sit around and talk about whichever member's not there. That's what we do. My parents didn't have a liquor cabinet. I come from very modest means. I had two younger brothers and an older sister, and my father was a police officer in Oklahoma City. So we lived very modestly. We didn't Have a wet bar or anything. We lived in just a little tiny house with one little bathroom. I don't know how we did it, all of us growing up in that little house, but we had a liquor closet. And that closet in the hall was full of liquor. There was no way the Mergers were ever going to run out of booze. And if I wanted to hang out with my dad when I was a young man, I would go to the tavern because that's where he was. And if i wanted to spend time with dad, I'd go down there and shoot pool and play shuffleboard and horse collar and dominoes and the parlay cards and the bookie'd come in and the jukebox would play and the fights would happen. And you know, I never thought there was anything queer about violence or arguing or yelling or getting loud or falling down or throwing up. I just, really, I didn't think there was anything queer about it because I'd been around it my whole life. I grew up in a violent home. My father was a frustrated alcoholic and he would hit my mother and he Would hit us kids and I can remember hearing my mother scream and opening the bedroom door and looking down the stairs into the converted garage and seeing my father on my mother's chest hitting her in the face with his fists, with her pinned to the bed and the whole bed covered in blood. And he'd point at me and tell me to get back to my room and I'd go. And the next day I'd get up with my brothers and my sisters and we'd walk around the house and act like nothing happened. You don't say nothing. Don't rock the boat. You know, my dad tried to teach me certain things and I don't blame my dad for me being the way I am. I'm an alcoholic because of the way alcohol affects me when I drink it. it don't have nothing to do with the way i was raised but my dad tried to teach me some things like you know practice makes perfect and where there's a will there's away and if anyone can you can and quitters never win and winners never quit and exceptions are made for exceptional people always tell the truth a man's word is his bond give a man a good hand And you give me no wet rag, I'll rip it off. Boy, it's just, you know, God, he's strong. Dave, whoa, buddy. Oh, come on, Dave. God. I've lost many of those. But, you now, a man's word is his honor. But I learned quick, don't tell the truth. You know? Don't take chances and don't take risks. If I tell my dad the truth, I'd get killed. You know, I learned quick. You tell Dad whatever he wants to hear. I grew up in a home where there's one who has all power. That one is Dad. May you mind him now. Because if you didn't, there was hell to pay. And I thought, you know, my first higher power, my father was my first high power. He was powerful. I mean, he was a police officer. He could raise his hand and blow a whistle and the whole world would stop. and if you didn't stop and do what he said he could get on the radio and get enough guys that they'd make it work out you know and we'd go to the circus and the fair and we would go places and we don't pay to get in and we get to sit in the best seats up front and we gets to ride on the calliope with the clowns at the circus because see we're Freddy's kids and I always thought we were special I never thought there was anything odd about our lifestyle I knew it was uncomfortable you know with those things like don't you cry Don't feel bad. I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong? If you have an emotion that's not pleasant, there's something wrong with you in the home I grew up in. What's right? What's going on with you? Why are you crying? Why aren't you happy? And it was stressful, to say the least. I had a little brother. The stress sent him to Children's Convalescent Hospital. He had colonitis and they removed most of his intestines and his rectum by the time he was 10 and he had to use a colostomy to have bowel movements and my sister ran away from home. She couldn't stand it and I was sure glad to get out of that house. I was surer glad to get away from there so I could finally be in charge because my dad had his thumb on all of us and now when I got away from here I'm in charge. Now it's going to be different. It's going ot be more fun because I'm incharge but the problem is I didn't know how to do it different. You know, there were a lot of things about my dad I admired, and there were a lot things about dad that I loathed. And there were things I wasn't going to do, and things I was going to try to do. And I just couldn't seem to not do the things I wasn't gonna do. I just didn't learn another way. But one thing I did do is I drank. When I got away from home, I really started to drink I went off to college Oklahoma State University in Stillwater. We play you guys in football every now and then. We haven't beat anybody in a long time, so. But I didn't do very good in school because I was drinking. Yeah? I mean, I like to drink. I like drink draft beer. We'd go down to a club called the Coachmen and they'd serve them big old draft beers and I'd drink those draft beers instead of going to class and since I didn' t go to class, I got drafted. That's what draft beer will do to you. You get drafted, you know. And I wound up in the service and I went into the Army. And I don't know about you guys, but I've never caught a break. And when they put me in the Army, they put my name on it. They put me into infantry. And I couldn't, who am I? I should have been a general's aide. I should Have been in charge of the motor pool. I like cars. you know in high school I was top teen and I was president of my class and I emceed the pep rallies and headed up the paper drives and you know I was a real social outgoing guy the teachers gave me gifts when I graduated I was voted the friendliest boy in my school as a big school you know I could have done a lot of things besides being infantryman and but that's what they made me be and so I avoided going to Vietnam as long as I could I went to NCOCS and became a Betty Crocker sergeant, you know, this instant NCO. And then because I was, I thought I'd do better if I went to Vietnam as the leader instead of the follower. And I don't like being a follower. I like to, you know I like be in charge and control. And they put me in charge of a squad infantryman in Vietnam in 1968 and it was awful. It was awful! I had nine men in my squad. This is, I don't know about you guys, my best thinking sucks. My best plans don't work, and they never have, still don't to this day. But I had nine guys in my squad, and we'd come off this fire base, and I'd take three of them, and then we'd go out for three days and two nights on recon. And then I'd come back, and I would get a different three, and we would go out three days and two night, and then I would come back and get a difference three, and we went out for 3 days and 2 nights. Time out. It don't take long to figure out who's out there every damn night, you know? And it ain't the little specialist, you know. It's Sarge here. And so anytime something happened, I was always there. And Vietnam was awful. It was ugly. And 68 was not a good year to be there, and I saw horrible, horrible things. We went in on a hot LZ one day, and the enemy was waiting for us, and they just were blowing us to pieces in the landing zone was blocked with burning helicopters, and there was just a few of us on the ground, and CO radioed down that he was going to drop firefighting equipment to us so that we could get more help in. And a rocket came roaring out of the trees and hit that helicopter as he was trying to drop that firefighting equivalent to us and just blew it right out of sky while I was looking at it. And we ran out and pulled these guys out of that burning helicopter and got them into safety. And there was one who'd been blown out of door. We went and found him in the jungle during the fray and his legs are blown off and pieces of his arms are blown up and the top of his head is blown off and he's a mess but he's still alive. And he's gurgling and making noises, you know, and we're trying to, we used our boot laces to put tourniquets on his legs and we tried to muffle his cries without suffocating him and put pressure all over him to keep him from bleeding to death until the medic could get there and I never saw that kid again except I didn't even know who he was. he was just a kid that was in that helicopter that got hit. But, you know, I lived with him for years in my head. I lived avec my father hitting my mom for years, in my head. My little brother hanged himself in prison and I lived like that in my head for years. The next day in that same combat I was shot and I was sent to hospital in Yokota Japan and I went to California and then to Texas and finally home to Oklahoma where I could be close to my family. Don't you cry. And when I turned 21, I'd been in the hospital four months and when I turn 22, I still lay in there. That was a long time. Nine months, I had a cast from my chest down called a body cast or a spike. I couldn't move anything but my arms. It's the only part of my body I can move. It' s the only place I could take an injection. And it was miserable. And I can't sleep. My brain, when I lay down to go to sleep, my brain attacks me. You know, and it talks about the war and it talks about growing up and it talks about those two divorces I've got and it talks about those kids I don't see and it talks about my disability and it reminds me of that hospital and it reminds me of Vietnam and God damn, you don't understand. i need a drink i just need a little drink to help me get sleep i never thought that i had a drinking problem i got lots of problems but drinking ain't one of them drinking was a solution to my problems and i could always justify and rationalize and minimize and explain away my drinking or the problems or consequence i had from drinking it was never the drinking because that wouldn't make sense to me you know i suffer from a bias and a prejudice of self my perspective is biased i see things the way so that they work out best for me and i never saw myself as an alcoholic because that would mean i should quit drinking and that wasn't best for me i didn't think so i could always justify or explain or blame it on something you know I ate too much or I didn't eat enough or I ate the wrong thing or I'm tired or I'm stressed or I was too sleepy or there was always something. You know, I'm in too much pain. It was always nothing besides the drugs and alcohol. The book talks about delusion. You know in treatment centers and stuff you hear about denial but delusion, suffered from delusion The way I saw things is not the way things were but I respond to how I see things as if they are real and I would make sense out of my reality. I was at the car races in Florida right before I bottomed out in 85, and I went down. I'm a big racing fan. I went Down to the car Races in Florida, and i'm pretty much isolated and alone by now I've run off all my friends, and divorced again, and unemployed, and went by myself to florida And of course hooked up with some good old boys at the Car races down there They're easy to find the ones with the big coolers under each arm you know going into the grandstands So I instantly made friends, and we'd go to the races. And the fair was going on down there at Tampa, and we watched the cars going in a circle there at the fairgrounds. And then we left the races and went to around the Midway and threw balls at Kewpie Dolls and scoped out the girls and ate corny dogs and just had fun, kept drinking beer the whole time at the races, and at the Fair. And then, we left fairground and went to the nightclub, the local nightclub called The Pit. And then I got into my environment, see, because I can drink anything. I will drink anything, I'll eat anything in pill form. But I like to drink whiskey. I'm a bourbon drinker. I like zu drink a whole lot of bourbon and a little bit of Coke. You know? And I like tu drink them out of big glasses. And we got to this club, and I like te dance. And even though I'm crippled up from Vietnam, I want you all to know I ain't got nothing on me. Okay? I can dance. I like to do it. When I get to this club and I'm drinking my bourbon and I's dancing and having a good time, I got on all my gold jewelry and stuff, you know, and I dangling it over the rail in there. I'm trolling for all you little island arms, you know. because I haven't got a pot to piss in. All my cards are maxed out and this stuff's all fake, but come on, you know. Come on. And golly, I was having a good time, but I got sick. I don't know about you guys, the way you drank, but the way I drank, I used to get sick a lot. I drink way past the point where a person should stop, and God has his way and nature has their way of we have to purge ourselves to keep from poisoning ourselves to death and I would throw up a lot. And that night, I came staggering out of the club into the parking lot, you know, and I'm holding on to the cars in the parking lots so I don't fall down. I'm ripped. Whew! And it's hot. Only it's cold outside. You know? The sweat's just rolling off me. I don' t know if you've ever been this sick where you just whew! You know, if you just wonder if you're an alcoholic, if you've ever done this, stop wondering. Okay? I promise you, the normal moderate temperate drinker does not do this. Okay? Okay? Woo! Woo! And that stuff's just blowing out of my face. I mean, it's coming out every orifice I got. I'm checking my ears. It's on my pants. It's in my boots. It's, it's on the cars. God, I got it up my nose. I got little pieces of corn dogs stuck up my mouth. Woo! But I'd go back in the club and get another drink. I have to wash that taste out of my mouth. God, it's awful. Telling my friends, oh God, I got sick. I'll never, ever, ever again as long as I live, ever eat another state fair corndog. That greasy damn thing made me sick. And that made perfect sense to me. That was not a lie. I wasn't lying. That was my truth. That was my truth I have always lived in the truth unfortunately it's my truth which may not have anything to do with reality you know but I respond to it as if it's real and that's true in sobriety too I was a year sober I went to my high school reunion I already told you I was a stud in high school so naturally at the reunion I'm a stud at the reunion you know and I'm the MC and I am putting it on and I am a year sober and I don't about you guys. How many years sober people we got in here? Sensitive alcoholics. At a year, I was still feeling everything. You know, I mean, I was just learning to cry. And so anyway, we had this balloting at this reunion where we voted for different things. The classmate who changed the most, you know, the classmate, who was the silliest and just different things, but we had one real nice award. It was for the class made everybody enjoyed seeing the most. It was the old what a night award. We were the Northwest Knights. The old what a Knight Award for the classmate everybody enjoyed seeing the most. And I'm up opening the envelopes and handing out albums from the 60s and prizes and then we get to the Oh, What a Knight award. And we got a nice prize for it. And open up the envelope and it goes to me. Well, I mean, I'm crying. I'm blowing snot bubbles trying to tell these people, oh, this is the best years of my life. and i had to be helped to my seat but it was wonderful it was wonderful they picked me as the classmate they enjoyed seeing the most and all night long people come by and pat on me oh otto we're so glad to see you i thought god is good oh sobriety's wonderful you know you get your heart's desire my sponsor he says you just get your hearts desire if you just don't drink man i'm i mean you're sober and i'm already the favorite guy you know and uh so anyway after the reunion's over we're the dance and everything's over we're cleaning up the mess and we're taking the stuff up to the hospitality suite and i happen to be clearing off the registration table and on the registration tab was the ballot box and on the ballotbox was a tally sheet on the tally she was the truth see the truth is out of all these people at the reunion there's about 500 out of those people only 25 of them even bothered to cast a ballot. The other 475 didn't give a damn what the committee had planned or done. They had their own agenda and they were just there having their own good time seeing who they wanted to see. And of the 25 ballots cast, 23 of my classmates got one vote each. I got two. So the person counting the ballots wrote my name down as the winner and sent it up to me. And I share that with you because, you see, when I opened that envelope, what I perceived was that you had all chosen me as the classmates you enjoyed seeing the most. Those tears and snot bubbles were real and appropriate based upon my perception of reality. Thanks for playing our game, Otto. We have some lovely parting gifts for you, you know? Just continue to wander in the darkness, okay? I never had a clue that my reality wasn't the reality. You know, I never realized that my reality was just a reality, one of many. You know? I always strove to make my reality true. Selfish, self-centered, that's the root of the problem, living in my reality. Anyway, life got worse for me. My drinking progressed. I became divorced multiple times. My parents are married and divorced three times before I finished high school. They couldn't live with each other, and they couldn't live without each other. My brothers are multiple divorcees. I'm divorced and married and my sister is divorced and we don't know how to get along. We are good blamers in my family. In the 8th step, in the 12 and 12, it says defective relationships are the cause of most all our problems, including our alcoholism. Boy, my family is rot with defective relationships and alcoholism. But it just got worse, and I wound up unemployed, unemployable, isolated, alienated at home. I didn't see my children. I did not go out to the dance and party anymore. I do not go to the races anymore.I did not, I just stayed home drank the VA would send me pills in the mail you know when you got it they're delivering you don't have to pay for them you know and then of course there are the doctors that I call and know I was a dock worker and for those of you that are new that has nothing to do with boats okay it just means that dr. a don't know what dr. B was giving me and dr. being like I've my wounds were ugly my disability is ugly and I could walk into any hospital or medical clinic and drop my shorts and they will write me a script you know oh you poor baby what do you want anyway I wound up suicidal you know and I couldn't sleep and I was desperate for help I mean I didn't want to die but You don't understand. I mean, my life just isn't worth living. It's so painful. And I went to counselors and therapists and doctors and psychiatrists, and they'd put me on this medication and that, and this medication would make my hair crawl and this other medication wouldn't work. And I was just trying to find something that would make me comfortable, you know? And then we finally got to Valium, and life became okay. Life was good. I could do Valium, and I could function and get along. I used to love to fight with my wife under the influence of Valium because she'd be screaming and racing out and throwing stuff, and I'd just be sitting there going, Look at you! Look at your face! Look at that shoe! You know, I'm so cool, and you're so out of control. I really thought I had it together. Only problem was every now and then I'd run out of Valuum. Oh, no, no. Not a good plan. You do not want to run out of Valium if you've been taking it as long and as much as I have because when I would run outofValium, then life really got miserable. I could choke on water. You know what I mean? It just... Life did not work without Valium and so I would go to the doctors and plead for more and they suggested I go to treatment and I had no need to go to treat treatment whatsoever. I just needed a bigger script, you know? You don't understand. But he wasn't going to give me a bigger script. And so I went to treatment against my will. I went to treatment to get off Valium and to get on something else. And I had no intentions of quitting drinking. And what happened was when I got to treatment, I got a beautiful gift because people from AA came and did what I'm doing tonight, what Keith's going to do. We get up and we talk about ourselves. And it was the first time in my life I ever met people that I couldn't say you don't understand to. You know, people had always tried to tell me about me. And you can't tell me about me because i ain't never told anybody the truth about me so if you're talking about me you're playing with half the information and so as soon as you start saying auto you i'd turn it off but when an alcoholic came in and said auto i well i was happy to listen to your air your dirty laundry and talk about yourself you know and i was amazed because you guys talked about things that were my secrets you talked about thingsthat were my shame and my embarrassment You talked about things, you had words to describe emotions and feelings that I had experienced but didn't know what the word was. You know, I had two emotions when I got here. Happy and pissed. That's it, you know. I had no range of emotion. I didn't Know How To Be Lonely or Tired or Frustrated or Angry or Disappointed or Envy. I didn' t Know How, you Know. I'm either sedated or I'm angry. And it was wonderful. It was a gift because it tore that wall down where I could see myself differently than the way I had seen myself my whole life. It's kind of like somebody been telling a joke and I didn't get it. You know, Otto, you're an alcoholic. You have a problem with drinking. No, no, I don't. And they're telling jokes and everybody's laughing and I don' t get it and then an alcoholic came in and told his story and damn, I get it! You know what? Damn, I'm an alcoholic! Damn! Son of a... you know what, I'll bet my dad. Damn! I got it and I finally get it. My whole family's got it, they ain't never got it. I was excited. I really was. I was exciting to find out I'm an alcoholic. I was. For me, it was like, damn, okay. All of a sudden, two and two is four. My whole life, two in two has been five. It just didn't make sense. Things don't add up. you know practice is not making perfect where there's a will there's more off to conflict than a way you know all the things i've learned and trying to do ain't working and all of a sudden it all made sense damn we drink and we fight and we carry on and and damn you know every time i get in trouble i've been drinking just all those simple things you know another alcoholic could can tell me about himself and i could see myself when another person could tell me the same things about men I couldn't see, and so I got the gift. I got the gift, I found out what the problem was, it was identified, and I was so glad to be in that treatment center, and I was going to be their best patient, and now I was going to come out of there and never drink again, and you know, the people would come in and talk to us, and they suggested a program of recovery, which was the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and then they gave us books, and told us to get sponsors and go to meetings, and i was willing to do all those things, and they had the 12 steps on the wall, and im looking at those propositions. And, you know, it doesn't take long. You know, we've been powerless over alcohol. Our lives have become unmanageable. And yes, that was good news for me because I always thought I was just a screw up. You Know, I thought that I was supposed to be able to do these things I wasn't able to make happen. I was to be successful in business and I wasn�t ever supposed to have any problems or heartache or trauma or trials, you Know, because if I was supposed to do it right and I couldn�t. And God, that first step gave me so much freedom. You I can't control my drinking. When I drink, I don't know what's going to happen. I don' t know. I go places I don''t want to go with people I shouldn''t be with. I say things I wish I hadn''t said. I do things I Wish I Hadn''t Done. I have guilt and remorse and shame for having drank. And then I go do it again. I had no idea. So it was such a relief for me that first step. Second step, the power of greater self is to restore society. That blew right by me. My nickname was Crazy Otto. Yeah, I'm crazy. I had no problem with being crazy. I like being crazy, people don't mess with you when you're crazy, you know? He's a Vietnam vet. He's crazy, don't miss him. Don't mess me. I like that. You know, you're tough, you don't even have to be tough, you're just tough,you know,you're crazy. So I blew right by that and made a decision to turn our willing lives over to the care of God. God! You look down through those steps, God, God, god, god God, goddamn It's a God deal I was pissed I was livid I couldn't believe it It's an God deal This report I've been duped You know I went to treatment At a Catholic hospital St. Anthony's Hospital I should have known better You go to a churchy hospital You get a churchie solution You know I should've went to Schick I should have went to the VA. I should've went anywhere. I was furious. You see, I don't believe in God. If there's a God, he must be a damn terrorist. You know? Where has the son of a bitch been? You know, where was he when my dad was beating the hell out of my mom? Where was he when my brother was hanging himself in that prison cell? Where was it when my buddies were getting blown to pieces in Vietnam? Where was him when I lay in that hospital bed for month after month after month after month. Where was he? Where is he? You know, I give up on God. I had all these questions that I couldn't ask you. In my house, you don't ask questions where I grew up. You know? You didn't talk about things. You just wondered. And you know, how could there be a holocaust and there be God? You now, I had all these question and the day I was wounded, the day i was shot, I stopped wondering. I was lost in the jungle. I walked up on an enemy position. I don't think they wanted to shoot me, but I was going to fall in their hole if they didn't. I wasn't very far from them and a short burst of machine gun fire rang out and it just cut me in two. It spun me around and I fell to the ground. My first thought was, I've been shot. Pretty sharp. my second thought was god help me and my third thought this is exactly what happened september 22nd 1968 my thirdthought was there is no god laying there on the jungle floor bleeding to death alone the enemy got out of their hole came and took my watch off my wrist took their knives and cut the straps off my ruck and drug it off me and went and got back in their hole right there, and I could hear them jabbering. I could feel that gun pointed right at the top of my head because I lost my helmet when I went down. And yet I wasn't fearful enough of dying or of my situation or circumstance to believe that there might be a God that could help me. I stopped looking September 22nd 1968, andI became self-reliant. I never looked again. I scoffed at religious people. I tore up Christian bookstores. I was a John Bircher I was angry at the whole concept of God. And I stopped looking. And so here I am, alcoholic, got this incurable disease, and you guys are telling me, God will help you, Otto. Well, guess what? I'm going AMA, folks. But they told me if I left, I'd have to pay for it. Insurance wouldn't, and I wasn't going to do that. of course i didn't have anywhere else to go so i stayed for all the wrong reasons but a guy named mike came up to the hospital and he gave me a great gift he was doing 12 step work as many of us do and he give me a gift he listened to me tell my story of woe and all my you know why there isn't a god and how if there's a god why is it this and why is that you know i told him about the day i was shot and he said well otto he says when you got to the third step you just quit too soon. You know, it says, made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him. And he asked me a question, or he said, you don't have to believe in the God you gave up on in Vietnam. That was a novel idea. He said, what would God have to be for you to take a chance and try and turn your will and your life over to his care, not control? and that was the damnedest proposition I'd ever heard well that I mean really I'm going to define God my whole life I have thought you know that I'm supposed to figure out what God wants me to be so that I can please him and earn his grace and I ain't been very good folks and it's kind of like my dad I thought God was like my earthly father you know if God if I were good God would you know and I wasn't very good so I was afraid God wouldn't and he said no he says what would God have to be and in desperation I wrote and I said well if you know God was all-powerful if he could do anything and with all his power all he wanted was for me to be happy and sober then I'd be willing to try and turn my will of my life over care, his care, not control. Big letters, care. You know, it's kind of like if Ross Perot were to walk in here and go, I know, I care for you. Ross has got some bucks, you know? I mean, care for me, buddy. No control, but you can care all you want. So I was going to let that God care for me. And I really didn't believe it would work. You now, I'm just kind of going along with the program in the treatment center. I didn't believe for a minute that it would work, but I was really desperate. I was truly desperate. I was more fearful of living with my alcoholism than I was of dying that day in Vietnam, and that's the truth. At 37, the suffering that I had known from my alcoholismo and my isolationism was worse than the fear I knew as a young man in shock laying on a jungle floor. So, I decided I would try to do that. I wasn't going to prove that it wouldn't work, and I was going to sue St. Anthony's Hospital. My motives have never been good. People say motives are important. I don't believe that. Motives make a difference on whether or not you enjoy what you're doing. If your motives are right or not, if you do the right thing. It's kind of like if you go to college because your parents want you to, you still get a degree. You just didn't enjoy getting it. So I did all the things that were suggested to me, and I documented it as best I could because when I got drunk, I'm going to own them. I'm gonna be able to prove that I did everything they said and it didn't work. Therefore, give me a check and I'll just go on. But what happened was is I did the simple things they suggested like go to meetings and get a sponsor and talk to another alcoholic every day and read the book and pray to this God you don't believe in and if you don'T drink that day, say thanks to this god you DON'T believe in And what happened was, you know, 10 days, 20 days, 30 days, 40 days went by and I'm feeling better and I haven't had a drink and I're making friends and I'M HAVING FUN AT AA AND YOU GUYS ARE BEING GOOD TO ME AND DAMN, YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID GET TO FILE THAT LAWSUIT. And I went on and worked the rest of the steps and what happened WAS MY WHOLE IDEA AND UNDERSTANDING AND ATTITUDES ABOUT GOD CHANGED. ABOUT YOU CHANGLED. ABOUT MYSELF. ABOUT EVERYTHING CHANGed. I'd never done a an introspection I'd never looked at myself I'd never done an inventory and I was shocked when I did my four-step at what I learned about myself I mean it was vital information for me and I had never had it I didn't know that my problems were of my own making I didn'T know I was afraid I would have when I sat down to do my fear list I told my sponsor Johnny I ain't scared of nothing and I wasn't lying I ain'T scared as shit I've been told since I was a little boy don't be afraid I ain't scared of nothing. I'm decorated for heroism in Vietnam. I've got a bronze star with a V device. It should have been a silver, I'm still pissed about it. Yeah? I ain't scared of shit, I'll whip your ass. You know, that's why I carry these big mean-ass Doberman Pinscher dogs and I carry big guns and I have double locks on the doors, you know, I ainít scared of nothin'. And he said, well, just, you know, get your pencil a paper and write at the top of it, God help me to know my truth and write down something. Anything. Snakes. Spiders. The dark. Being alone. Not having any money. Being in pain. Getting drunk. Whoa! Pencils are magic. Pencil's are magic God works through pencils. If you haven't got a pencil, let me get you one. okay? Pencils are cool. And man, all this stuff just came out and boom, all of a sudden for the first time in my life at 38 years of age, I found out I'm afraid of everything. I'm scared. I'm not afraid of anything. I always thought that I was angry and pissed because of what you did. And I've never caught a break and nobody's been good to me and my daddy beat me and my boss, my wife cheated on me and she doesn't come home and my kids don't mind and it's all your fault. If you guys would get your stuff together, then I wouldn't feel the way I feel. I wouldn't need this drink. My sponsor says, I want you to write down a piece of paper for everybody that ever pissed you off or shit on you. I said, I can do that. I didn't want to do it. I forced that because I didn' t want to go back to that childhood abuse and I didn''t want to go back to Vietnam and I don' t wanna go back to that hospital and I din' t wanna go back to those broken marriages. I didn ''t wanna go back and look at that. Why would I go back? My childhood memories are from the photo album. I don't remember much of being a child I remember today the pictures of my childhood from the family albums I didn't want to go back and look but he said you can write down everybody that pissed you off and shit on you what they did and I said I can do that and so I wrote it down and he says okay now after I had this great list I had 98 people I was really unhappy I was very disappointed I couldn't get to 100 you know I had everybody everybody I knew everybody ever run across people i didn't even know their names that son of a bitch and uh and so then he says okay now i want you to write down why you're angry why why it hurt you what made you mad and i said well look what they did he says no that's what they Did why are you mad why are You Hurt Johnny you know I didn't get it it's like my wife left me for another man ok that's what she did why are you mad she left me for another man that's what she did why are you mad I don't get it you know and finally he helped me to see it wasn't that she left me for another man that made me angry. It's that I didn't want her to. If I'd been in love with another woman and been trying to get rid of the bitch, and she left me for a new one, if I were another man, I'd be having a party. So it's not whether or not she leaves, it's whether or Not I want her to go. And I could go through every instance on my resentment list and come up with that same scenario. You know what? When I don't get my way, I get angry. If I'm afraid I'm going to lose something I've got or not get something I want, I get angrier. If the, you know, Chris Pronger decks Derry and Hatcher and they don't blow the damn whistle, I'm best. You guys are having a great time. What is it? We're both watching the same game. It's that bias and prejudice of self. You know what? My perspective is the perspective, not a perspective, one of many. And I found out that, damn it, you know, my problems are of my own making. I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm self-righteous. I'm Self-seeking. You know, self manifests in a hundred different ways. That's what causes my problems. I want my way. I'm alienated from my kids because they won't do it my way Most of my relationships have been like tiddlywinks. You know, the more pressure I put on the people I want to be close to to do it my way, the further away they scoot. And I end up chasing the people I love all over the place so I can scoot them some more, you know? Come on, let me piss you off. Come here. Why don't you do this? I know you didn't ask me, but here's what you should do, okay? And I didn't know. I didn' t know. I didn'' t know it was my fault. I didn '' t know that I was doing these things to myself. I had always had this victim mentality. But I tell you, it's good news. It's good new. Because see, if you have to change and if my family has to change for me to get sober and get happy, I'm screwed. I am screwed. But when I'm the one who gets to change, then I am empowered. I've got the power, baby. and today I'm happier, healthier, more whole physically, emotionally, socially, legally financially, maritally, parentally than I've ever been in my life and it's because I changed not because anybody in my life changed I was at my mother's house last night and she was drunk my little brother Carl is in prison for the third time just like my brother Jack was who hanged himself my brother Zach has a son who's in prison my nephew, my daughter My sister's sons are suing each other for their estate. My sister has a state. She died of cancer. It's total chaos in my family of origin. If they had to change for me to get happy, I'm screwed. When I got sober, I had a girlfriend. Boy, she's a sick baby. Sweet Patsy. She had a little girl. In my sobriety, this little girl at 12 is climbing out windows. At 13, she's going to go live with her dad because she's out of control. At 15, she'S pregnant. 16, she' s IV drug user prostituting herself for drugs. 17, she''s run away. You know? What am I going to do? If she had to get sober for me to get sober, I'm in big trouble. But what happened was I worked these 12 steps and I changed. And I've had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That's the whole purpose of these steps. We learn the truths about ourselves. We share it with God and another person. Then we go share it with all the people we've injured and then we go sharing it with anybody who will listen which is what I'm doing tonight and our lives get better because you see, while I'm dealing with that, God's doing for me what I can't do for myself. I didn't work the steps to get sober. I got sober when I quit drinking and I have yet to get drunk on a day I didnít drink. What a concept. What a content. I have not yet to be sober and Iíve yet to load it on a date I didnít use. Whoa! Amazing. you know but when I walked out of that treatment center I had the same parents, the same disability the same physical pain, the some ex-wives the same kids and all that same crap going on in my life what happened was I walked into your loving arms and you guys held me and made me comfortable and accepted my insanity and watched me dangle on the end of that string and not know what to do and not knowing what to say and you shared your experience, strength and hope with me and you let me be a part of what you were doing even when I wasn't attractive or pretty or fun to be with and you loved me. You taught me what it was to love. I never knew how to love anybody. I always thought that you had to do something to make me love you and if you would make me love you, I'd treat you lovingly. But you're pissing me off, buddy. There ain't no love coming your way. Okay? And what I found out when I got here, you know, y'all said go help the newcomer and I said, well, I haven't been around long enough to tell him what to do. He's my sponsor. He said, how long have you been sober? I said 60 days. He says, how long has that guy been sober. I said I think he's brand new. He says, we can go tell him how to stay sober 60 days. And I did. You know? And I fell in love with that guy. I fell in love With him. You know what? I learned that love is a choice. It's not a feeling. I used to think if I had that feeling, I would love you. But it's not. It's a choice and the action precedes the feeling. I can make a choice to love you and if you'll let me love you, I'll fall in love with you. I'll treat you lovingly and fall in love with you, and that's what we do in AA. For anybody who's new or nearly new, boy, you have just fallen into the golden goose, let me tell you. Come on around. We're going to love you when you don't even have to be lovable. We're gonna love you until you can love yourself, andthat's what they did to me, and I learned and I grew and I changed, and in my spiritual awakening, the evolution for me through working all these steps and making amends and cleaning house and learning new truths and finding out is that, you know, it's not God could and would if I were good. God loves me because he's God not because I'm good all I have to do is let him love me you see there's nothing wrong with me I am the perfect product of all my perceived experiences to this point in my life for me to have been different would be wrong I'm perfect, you're perfect and all I've to do is let God love me the way you love me and I love you I can make a decision to love you and I'll fall in love with you if you can. And God, no wonder God likes to love us. It's a gas. I just love loving you guys. You know, I go love my mama. She is not a lovable person. I used to be really angry at my daddy for hitting my mama, but I've come to know in sobriety that my mom was a real hittable person. Yeah? I think there's some times that she just plain old got his fist and brought it to her, you know? I have broken down doors getting out of that house to keep from doing like my daddy did but you know i've learned truths and god has done wonderful things for me while i'm just doing this simple program you know while i'M trying to help others and carrying the message and cleaning up the mess god's done for me what i can't do for myself a few stories of recovery just the gifts uh the lady had the dog spike over here i always thought i wasn't like my father because i didn't hit my kids okay i don't hit my kids, so I'm not like my dad. And I was about a year sober and I got this little dog. My first real relationship in sobriety is a good place to start guys with a dog. And so I've got this little spaniel. It's a Springer spaniel and her name is Speeder and she's a little black and white dog. I always knew if I had a frisbee catching dog, I'd be happy. That's the key to happiness is a frISBee catching dog because you take it to the park and the girls are just going to love you. And so I'm trying to teach this little dog to catch a frisbee, and she's fetching, but she ain't catching. You know, she's going to get it, but she hasn't got it. And I throw the frisbe one day, and the wind gets it, and it goes up on the roof of the house. Well, shoot. I don't have a ladder, and It's not a real high roof. My best thinking at this point in time in my sobriety is, well, I'll put the dog up there, and She'll go get it. And I don't know about you guys, but I didn't think things through a lot in my early sobriety. You know, I have thoughts and I do them. I boost the little dog up, the little spaniard, and I put my hand on her ass and I said, it's a low roof. And I put her front paws on the roof and I pushed her up and I says, go get it girl, go get her. Go get it. Well, she didn't go get him. She just got scared and when she got scared she peed. and she just peed all over me I just went down the front of my face all over my shirt Jesus and I put the little dog down on the ground and I started to laugh at myself I couldn't believe I was going to do something so stupid you know I called my sponsor Johnny, Johnny, you won't believe what God just did God made the dog pee on my head so I wouldn't put her on the roof Johnny says Otto I don't know if God did that or not but I guess he could and you be sure to get to a meeting and tell everybody I'm hustling man I'm going to a meet and I don' t usually go to and I get there and they don't call on me and it's burning desire time Thank you. Anyway, they call in. I start to share that story with them and I'm telling it to them and have you ever done this where you hear yourself say something you didn't know you were going to say until you said it? And I heard myself say and I put the dog down on the ground and I began to laugh at myself and my old behavior would have been to kill the damn dog and boy, I heard myself say that and it rolled over me like a tidal wave. That was not a figure of speech. I had abused my pets my whole life I pounded on and beat and hit and kicked my animals my whole life in the name of discipline in the name of training and all it was is I was just like my father I didn't know how to deal with my anger I didn' know how to deal with my emotions I didn'' know what to do with them when I wasn't sedated and they would come out sideways they would come out in inappropriate ways and I didn't point them at my kids. They had to go somewhere and they went at my dogs and I'm not proud of that but you know what? If we don't recover, we repeat. If we do not recover, we repeat We might disguise it and make it look different but we just do the same things over and over andover but that day God changed me. It is a God deal. God does for me what I can't do for myself and He just keeps doing it. He's been doing it for me ever since I got sober you know I began when I first got sober I told my daughter she was 12 I said Holly I don't know how this is going to work out sweetie but I'm just going to love you no matter what I'm going to love you the way God loves us all I'm gonna love you the way the people in AA love each other and she said thank you set out to make my life a living hell you know did a pretty good job of it too but I with your help and with prayer and with the strength I found in this group and with God I was able to make good on my promise and I love my daughter no matter what. I stopped being judge and jury and executioner and I just loved her. I became her loving father even though she wasn't my lovable daughter you know a few years ago I buried my father and I'm happy to say I buried a loved one not a lovable one I had known the joy of loving my father for years and he never became lovable he was a bastard the day he died. He was nasty and ugly the day he died but I had known the joy of loving my father for years and I loved Holly you know what when I loved Holly and quit punishing and controlling and dictating and dominating Holly became a beautiful person she just made me a grandpa three months ago you know she's 27 she teaches English in Norman high schools Oklahoma City she's beautiful she's got a great husband we're close you know and I was pushing the stroller around the mall you know with the baby in it yesterday you know that was unheard of she came to live with me when I was about three years sober and and she didn't like it because I had nothing and she was from her mother had married well and they had nice stuff but she was acting out and so they sent her to me and she Didn't like being with me and but things got better as I stopped playing tiddlywinks with her as I stop putting that pressure on her and I became trustworthy I became somebody who made good on that promise you know we were getting along so good I bought her a little car and I'm a car kind of guy. I like cars. I got a really cool car, and I bought her this little crap car because she cannot drive. She can't see. She's a curb banger, and poor tires just take a hell of a beating when she's driving, but she's a sweetheart, and she's trying. I bought her this old car that when you step on the gas, it just makes more noise. The RPMs go up, but the speedometer doesn't. I figure she can't get in trouble. Anyway, one night, it was a beautiful night, and I had a convertible, a really cool little car, and she came to me. She says, Dad, can I take your car? And she'd been so good for so long, andI thought, well, boy, it's a beautifulnight, and we're getting along so good. Okay. Be careful. Be careful You know what happened. She hadn't gone an hour. Ring! Dad! I was going too fast, and I crashed the car. You okay? Kristen, okay? Can you drive the car? Where are you at? Where they're not supposed to be. Stay right there at the phone. I'll be right there. Hung that phone up and I was furious. I love my car. I'm furious. I get in the car, and I'm in her little car. It's making lots of noise, boy. And it ain't getting there, and I know I'm going to be driving it for a while, too. I'm about to pull that stairwell off the column. I'm gonna kill that little bitch. Love you no matter what. Kiss my, you know, it's over. No way. Everything has just changed. But as I'm driving out there, I'm playing that conversation over again in my head like we do. And I hear her say, Dad, I was going too fast and I crashed the car. She did the unheard of. She didthe unthinkable. She told the truth. She didn't make up a story. She didn' t lie. She trusts me to be her loving father as I had been for some time. I told my dad, Dad, a deer ran out in front of me and I swore to miss it. Which isn't true. I was just going too fast. And he beat the hell out of me. Didn't I tell you to be careful? Don't you know what that's going to do to insurance? Don't You Know? Then my father beat me. And that night I was able to go to my daughter and comfort her. you see she's already scared to death she's already filled with self-loathing and fear and remorse she knows she's disappointed the one person in the world she most wants to please she knows what it's going to do to insurance I don't have to tell her she knows what that car meant to me I don'T HAVE TO TELL HER SHE KNOWS SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CAREFUL SHE FEELS AWFUL AND I GET TO GO LOVE HER AND COMFORT HER and be her loving father even though she wasn't. See, there was nothing wrong with her. She's perfectly 16. When I did my inventory on that and I looked back on that evening, the only thing that was wrong that evening was when she said, Dad, can I take the car? I didn't have the courage to say no, sweetie. Don't drive that little piece of cracker box over there. See, again, my problems were of my own making. I was afraid if I tell her no, she won't love me. Golly gee. God loves me just like I love her. And God just keeps doing for me and my life just keeps getting better. They told me if I ever went 10 years, I didn't have a hip. For 28 years, from my wounds, I had a fused ankle and a fuced hip and I would sit like this for 28 years. That's how I sit. I can't sit on the toilet. I can'T ride a bike. I can'T sit in the back seat of a car. I can''T sit to a table and have a meal. I eat like this. At home, I have custom furniture. It's all bar height so that I can sit on the bar stool and eat, sit up to the table and eat. And it hurts for 28 years. They told me, Otto, if you could ever go 10 years without infection, maybe we can give you a prosthetic hip. But until then, you know, we can't operate. I had pus coming out of me for seven years after I was wounded with gross infections. It just wouldn't heal. Ten years after I'm sober, no infection. go figure. Damn. You know, I always thought that I drank and used those drugs because I had the pain, and today I know that I had the pain because I drank and used the drugs. I abused myself when I was sedated, and I misused myself, and I would not give myself a chance to heal. My problems are of my own making. Ten years sober, I got me a hip. Today I can sit down just like anybody else. I can sit down on a toilet. I did it about three times the day. Didn't really need to, just wanted to go sit there. Put my elbows on my knees and just... God, it's great. I don't have any pain. I used to live with chronic pain. I had pain every day. Every day I lived with constant pain. It was just pain management was a way of life for me. Today I'm pain free. I have no pain. None whatsoever. My problems are in my own making. They told me when I got sober, I could have my heart's desire. You can have more than you ever dreamed you could have, Otto. Things that you don't think can happen can happen. And it's true. Everything's been made right for me. I have no issue that hasn't been made right for myself. There's nothing pending for me if there's nothing hanging over me. My brother's death, I've made peace with it. My father, I've mad peace with him. My brother and my family's current, I'm at peace with them. My children, I'm in peace with then. And my neighbors, I love the life I'm living. I used to hate my life. I loathed me and my inability to live better. And today I'm happy to be me. And I have a lot of stories, but I'll close with this one. Thank you for being so patient. There's no end. There's not a end to what God can do. There's now end to the healing that can happen. I was at the car races on a Friday night. I'm a race fan. I go to the races every Friday night during the racing season. And I grew up across the street from the racetrack. I've owned race cars. I'm a racing kind of guy. I love the car races. And this night, I'm at the races, and it's a beautiful night, and the weather's good, the track's good. The car counts good. There's no reason for me not to be there. And in the middle of the races I got up and went home. Had no idea why. People are going, where you going, Otto? And I said, I don't know. I don' t know. And I walk out of the grandstand, and I'm leaving, and I' m going home. And I'm sad. I don'' t know why I'm going. You know? I love racing. Not tonight, you know. And I went home and I walked into my house and my wife says, what the hell are you doing here? She was shocked because I go to the races. I drive hundreds of miles to go to the races when there's rain forecast, you know, and I'll sit there in the rain hoping it'll stop so maybe they'll race late. And this night, on a beautiful night, I just came home. And I said, I don't know, sweetie. I think I'd just as soon watch TV tonight. And I sat down at 9 o'clock on Friday night and it turned on Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs on 20-20. It's on ABC on Friday nights, it's on right now. And I'm not going to make 76 minutes, am I? Maybe. And anyway, the first little vignette that came on was called The Gift of Life. And the opening scene was a helicopter flying over the jungles in Vietnam. And the story was about this guy writing a book on emergency room trauma and he was interviewing the top trauma specialist in the United States, Dr. Kenneth Swan in Pittsburgh. And he asked this guy what was your worst emergency room trauma? And he began to recount when he was a young surgeon at Plague Coup at the 71st Medevac in Vietnam in 1968 and they brought in a soldier that was so gravely wounded the consensus was to medicate him, set him aside, declare him expectant, and let him die. You see his legs are blown off. He's got shrapnel the size of your thumb in the middle of his brain and the top of his head is blown off, his eyes are blown out pieces of his arms are gone he's brain damaged he's legless he's blind let him die and dr swan went against the consensus and operated on him and saved him and so the guy writing the book says well you know how'd he turn out did you make the right decision did you save him for a life of some quality or a life in horror i mean he's pretty screwed up and he didn't know and so they set about to find him it took them a couple of years but they finally found him. His name's Ken, and he lives in Columbus, Georgia. And they started to tell his story. And he was a door gunner in a helicopter trying to drop firefighting equipment to infantrymen pinned down in the jungle on September 21st, 1968. And I sat on that sofa, and I started to shake. You see, this is my kid. This is my nightmare. This ismy PTSD. This ismyexcuse to get drunk. The images I've had with this guy my whole life. And here he is. He's on television. and I'm freaking. You see, he has no legs. I'm not talking cut off at the knees. He has no leg. He's cut off at the hips. He's a cork. He has nine fingers he can feel with two. He has no eyes. His face is disfigured. Since Vietnam he's married fathered two children. He's got a life he's got a wife it's unbelievable but he suffers terribly from post-traumatic stress and he abuses his wife and he abuses his children and he sleeps with guns and he suffers terribly from Vietnam. And I'm freaking. And the whole deal was they said he didn't know what happened to him that day. And I was looking right at him and I thought, well maybe I can help him. And so I contacted Dr. Swan. Dr. Swann contacted me and Ken and we got hooked up. Ken didn't believe that I was who I said I was. He'd heard from a lot of people but I could prove it. I was decorated that day by the commander of his helicopter, and that started a relationship with Ken and I. And I would talk to him on the phone, and I'm trying to help him. You know, I'm trynna help him get out of the jungle. Ken's one of the many Vietnam veterans that is still stuck in the jungles. He still lives in Vietnam. He still talks the talk. He still has the call letters and the names, and it's like so many of us that are stuck in The Path. And I'm tryin' to drag him out, but what happened was he drags me back in. And he took me places I didn't want to go, and I had to deal with things I didn'T want to deal wItH. I got angry. You know, I'm trying to help him and he's killing me. Did you ever work with somebody you just didn't like? You know? You're just trying to love somebody you really don't like, you know, and they call you and it's just, God, you just gotta talk to them. Well, that's what it became for Ken and every time the phone would ring it was just killing me to talk to him. But then I found out they were making a movie about his life. Well, now everything... Everything's changing now, okay? I've already got Tom Cruise picked out to play me but what happens is you know he screws the deal he screwed the movie they didn't do it right and he liked the way they did it and he screwed it now I'm mad yeah and he wants me to send him member billion stuff for a book he's gonna write you You know, I wanted to be in the movies, you know. And so anyway, I put a cover letter with this stuff I'm sending to him and on it I wrote the truth. I said, Ken, I've got a resentment. You know? I've Got a Resentment. And I had hung my hat on the fact that every time I would talk to him I could justify my anger in that he never said, Otto, thank you for saving my life. And every timeI'd hang up the phone I'm waiting for him to say it. Otto, Thank you for Saving My Life. It was no small feat. The helicopters were burning. The jungle's on fire. We had enemy all around us. It was no small feat to go save Ken McGarrity. And he's never said thank you, and I'm pissed. You know, I think if I'd have got that, I wouldn't have been angry about anything else, I thought. So anyway, I put it on a cover letter, and I sent it to him. I was going to send it to my wife, Pat. She looked at it, and she says, what's this? What's this you never said thanks for? Thank you in here. What is that? And I said, that's the truth. And I live in the truth she says no no no no no isn't there a spiritual axiom or something that says whenever something or someone bothers you there's something wrong with you that doesn't belong in there don't you just hate it when your wife's right I'd rather a sponsoree be right so I went back to my word processor to edit it out I don't want to rewrite the whole letter I'm just going to rewrite so it makes sense just take that part out and what came out was Ken I've never said thank you. Whoa. Whoa. 180. Everything changed in a flash. For 28 years, all I'd seen was me running into the fire to save Ken. Truth. Ken's safe in a helicopter. I'm pinned down in the jungle. Ken flies into harm's way to save me. Ken gave his legs Ken gave his sight Ken lives in that darkness with that disability because he tried to help me and no one had ever told him thank you and my whole life changed nothing changed but everything changed the only thing that has to change is the way I see things if something bothers me if I'm not happy in my life it's because I don't see it all God is in his heaven and all is right on earth there's nothing wrong folks life is good it's hard it's difficult often times it's ugly I don' t like to watch the lion eat the little deer but it's ok and I found peace I put my head on the pillows now I go to sleep at night I don't suffer with post-traumatic stress I don' t suffer with sleep disorders I don''t have nightmares I'm not in conflict with myself or anyone else I hang out with Ken he's a hell of a guy he's the great guy you wouldn't believe Ken McGarity I hope you all get to meet him someday I just wish I could take him I'm going to speak at the Georgia State Convention next year and he's going to be there I can't wait to introduce him to everybody because he's an hell of guy He's the kind of guy that he got in the clothes hamper to scare his wife. But when he got in, he couldn't get out. I mean, his butt went all the way to the bottom and his arms were up at the top. Three says, she's cool. She'll just leave his ass in there. One night he's hollering and carrying on. He'd fallen off the bed while he was watching Alabama football. And he's hollered for Theresa to come help him. She didn't come help me. She thought he was just hollaring at the TV. He's a great guy. Anyway, two years after that realization, Ken McGarrity came to Dallas, Texas with his wife in a little shit car because he doesn't have nothing. The luggage was where his legs ought to be in the front seat of the car. His wheelchair was in the back, and he and his wife came to Dallas and told me thank you for saving his life. You get everything you want. You get everything you need when you need it. He went to Yukon, Oklahoma and told my father what a wonderful son he had when my father was on his deathbed. The gifts I've gotten, I can't tell you. Everything's been made right for me. I'm happier, healthier, more whole physically, emotionally, socially, legally, financially, maritally, parentally than I've ever been in my life. Life is good. Life is a joy. I live in the promises. in Plano Texas and I just love being able to come here and share with you about it and appreciate the opportunity and the hospitality the room's wonderful the candies and the sodas are good I can't wait to hear my friends speak again and look forward to sitting down with each of y'all this weekend and just visiting thanks for letting me share oh by the way I haven't had a drink all day and didn't even think about it till right now thank you Thank you.