The Bedevilments – AA Speaker – Linda R. – Charlottesville, VA – Part 2 of 2 – Linda C.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com whether you join us in the morning or at night there's nothing better than a sober sunrise we hope that you enjoy today's speaker there's cell phones around the bathroom that's just my mind Lynn Well, welcome back. Before we leave Chapter 4, which by the way isn't interesting, we have four chapters for the first step and one chapter that's entirely devoted to the second step. A lot of good stuff there. On page 52 of chapter 4 that's devoted to the second step, many of you I know are aware of the bedevilments. Page 52 talks about the problems I have that have really nothing to do with a drink. And just quickly it talks about we were having trouble with personal relationships. I've experienced that sober. I couldn't control my emotional nature. Sober, in a meeting room. I was a prey to misery and depression. Sobre. Couldn't make a living, or at least couldn't make the living I thought I ought to be making. Had a feeling of uselessness. Full of fear. Full was unhappy, couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. And then the question is, wasn't a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than what's on the news tonight? Yeah, it is for me, but watch my actions. What am I doing? Maybe I'm not watching the news, maybe it's CSI. But it is amazing how easily distracted I am so i need the steps i need guidance i need clear-cut direction um which by the way so many promises in this book they go way beyond the ninth step promises which where i'm from we hear those all the time the nine step promises but there are promises with every step one of the first is on the cover page where the book tells us that this book is the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. And I was taught that I don't have to be in recovery for the rest of my life, that the book suggests, and it doesn't suggest, it states very clearly throughout, that we are men and woman who have recovered. Now, I'm not cured. I can't go out and drink socially. But I can and have recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I don't suffer from the obsession to drink today and because of that the phenomenon of craving isn't an issue and my spirit is more whole than I ever dreamt it would be now there's more to do obviously more to learn, more to grow but if it never got any better than it is right now I'm blessed beyond measure No complaints from where I sit. None whatsoever. And the other promise that comes to mind is in the forward to the first edition, it talks about how, again, we are men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. My friend Mike talks about if you've broken your arm, You're going to go to the hospital, and you're going to go the emergency room. And you're are going to have surgery, and you are going expect to be in the recovery room for a while. I mean that's just part of the process. You've got to get the emergency care. But you don't expect to live in the Recovery Room. I mean eventually you want the treatment, you want to go a regular room, and then you want go back and join your home, you know go back to life. Your home, your community, your work. I think it's a beautiful thing that we can look forward to that. And then we're given a statement of purpose. It says, To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. So we've got lots of beautiful literature that we've published. But it's this book, Alcoholics Anonymous, whose main purpose is to show us precisely how we have covered. Don't have to guess at anything. It's all laid out. now if you're like me and you try to do it on your own you're probably going to have problems I read this book, I read this book and it didn't come alive until someone read it with me and I don't know why that is but it just is well yeah I do know why it is it's because someone who read it with me had experience that they were passing along with it and so the words came to life but anyway the bedevilments those are the things I want help with that's what makes sobriety painful always being full of fear having no control over my emotional nature not being able to be a part of anything I do want answers to that and on page 55 it promises me that the consciousness of my belief is sure to come to me that's a promise and I won't go through them all we don't have time for that although I'd love to but the fourth chapter is just immense and powerful and continues to reveal itself to me. And that then takes us into the third step, and the third step was where I was paralyzed for a while because I thought I had to understand God and I thoughtI had to turn my will on my life over to God and I didn't have a clue about either. I had no clue what God was. I laid awake several nights trying to understand what God was. The closest I came was some sort of E.T., beyond my comprehension out there. Of course, I'm the 11-year-old who stood on the corner and just believed that if I thought hard enough, they would find me and take me where I really belonged. Honest to goodness. I mean, I would stand on the counter when I was 11 years old. I knew that I wasn't where I belonged. And I hadn't found a drink yet. And I really thought, you know, that this other life that was out there would come and get me. But the third step just paralyzed me for a minute because I couldn't understand God. I didn't have a clue. And the things I thought I understood, thank goodness I was willing to let go of those ideas. And turn my will and my life over? I don't know how to do that. I don'T know how TO DO THAT. and thank goodness that I eventually understood that the third step is not where I turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I would have no more idea how to do that than I would know how to perform brain surgery. The third step is where I make a decision and it is a powerful decision, an important decision, a life-altering decision but it is just a decision and it took me a while to understand that The beauty of what's laid out in this book is why would I want to make that decision to begin with? Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. While I don't understand him, why would i want to make this decision to term my will on my life over to something I don' t really understand? For me it was about understanding that I don''t run my life well. And my sponsor helped me look at that. Now it was not clear to me at first I'm sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous having come to my living room dying and living in a house that was a beautiful house but I wanted it to burn down because I didn't want to clean it anymore married to a man who was a great man and I just day dreamt about him either running off with someone or dying a quick painless death, I didnít want him to suffer and wishing that I would get fired from my job because I didn't want to go there anymore and incapable of taking any action. No, I run my life. I'm doing a fine job. At the beginning, it was just making a decision, and my sponsor helped me with this, that maybe, just maybe, God had a better idea of what my life ought to look like than I do. And if I'd be willing to try that and work the rest of the steps, I could change my mind at the end. and so I thought okay and the book says having made that decision we then launch into a course of vigorous action now today the third step wow today the 3rd step having had as many of you have had experience with living this life today the 4th step is more of an awareness it's an awareness And the thing that's coming to mind is in January, I had my annual mammogram. And I was called a little bit later and told that there were some changes and I need to go for some better imaging. And so I made that appointment, and I was at the office last month, the day of this appointment, and leaving the office to go through this better mammogram and I'm doing my little conversation with God and I am praying your will and then I am like I don't want this you know you got to know God and this is how I commune with God I just tell him the truth I just I don' t need this I don''t want cancer I don'T think there is anything I can learn from it I am just telling you God that, you know, it just really, it doesn't seem right. It doesn't suit me. And I hear myself and so I, you now, I got that out in the open and then I said okay but I'm going to turn my will and my life over to your care and I had an experience and I understood. I don't have to turn anything over. I am in God's care. Prior to the mammogram, after the mammagram, I am in God�s care. I don't have the words to articulate this, but all was well. It didn't matter. Honest to goodness, it did not matter what the outcome was. I went for the extra super-duper imaging, and there was this little cluster of stuff. And so they wanted to do a biopsy, and it was nothing. You know, it's 90% certain it's nothing. And so eventually we did the biopzy, and everything's fine. But everything was fine before everything was fun. Yeah, it just was. And that's just a miracle for me. I mean, that's – I stand in awe of that because I'm the kind of woman that, you know, even a few years ago, I would have been – it would have Been all about me and my feelings and my fear and my future and blah, blah, blah, and I would Have lived in the wreckage of the future before any mammogram. You know, just that's where my mind goes. I didn't do that. I didn' t do that That's just what happens through these steps as we become more And more willing to surrender. Anyway, there is a little bit of information in Chapter 5, which, by the way, Chapter 5 covers a whole bunch of steps. We've got Steps 3, 4, 5. No, 3 and 4 in Chapter 6. or five. But on page 60, after how it works in the ABCs, it says being convinced we were at step three. And I was asked, what are you convinced of? Well, I'm convinced that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my own life. I'm condensed that no human power can relieve my alcoholism. Really? Really? You know, sometimes you would have thought by the way I acted, I thought my sponsor could relieve it. Or I thought the right mentor, if I get the right spiritual guide, that'll relieve my alcoholism. That God could and would if he were sought. Just have to seek, don't even have to find. But it says being convinced of those three things we're at step three. And then it says, what do we mean? What do we do? I needed to understand the answers to that. gives and it tells me i love it and it asks a question that tells me the first requirement is that i be convinced that my life run on self-will is not a success and it was suggested that i read these next few pages in the first person and i do and i say i do because i still do anytime i'm starting to feel a little twisted i pull this out and i start reading in the First Person and whatever i'm twisted about is what i insert there it says on that basis me running my life I am almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good I'm just trying to help you I try to live by self-propulsion which is another way of saying self-will I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in my own way I get such a beautiful visual with this I love the theater I like to go and see plays And I can see myself, you know, the actor has a role. The actor has an actor's job to read the script and perform the role. But I am like the actor who wants to say, well, you know, we need a little more green in the scenery and those lights could be a little brighter. And by the way, why don't you do something about that prop? And you know when you come out here, you really need to emote a little bit more. And that's me. That's me! I want to run the whole show. I'm certain I know how it ought to be. I'm certain I know. And if my arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, including me, would be happy. Can you relate? Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, I may sometimes be quite virtuous. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous. Modest, self-sacrificing. sometimes I might be mean, egotistical selfish and dishonest I'm going to have varied traits what usually happens? the show doesn't go off the way I plan and I think life doesn't treat me right so what do I do? I get a bigger hammer I'll talk a little louder maybe if I say it slowly you'll get it still the play does not suit me admitting I might be somewhat at fault I'm sure other people are more to blame I become angry, indignant, self-pitying what is my basic trouble? doesn't say alcohol am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? I'll teach him to tie his shoes so that I will feel better am i not the victim of the delusion that i can rest happy satisfaction and happiness if i only manage well yeah i'm delusional i mean that's what they're saying i think that if i can just get a certain outcome get you all to behave act a certain way think a certain way, feel a certain, I really need you to feel a certain way, then I'm going to be okay. I spent my entire life trying to get people to feel a certainly way, my parents, my siblings, everybody, you know, I needed you to feel a certainty way so I would feel, and I don't know what other people feel, you know, but I'll, I'm great at mind reading. I mean, I can look across the room and look at your expression and know exactly what you're thinking and what you are thinking about me? I mean, these are the old ideas that get in my way. If I only manage well, is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are things I want and don't my actions make each of them wish to retaliate? Am I not even in my best moments sober, spiritually fit? Am I Not Even In My Best Moments A Producer Of Confusion Rather Than Harmony? this is sober, this isn't drinking I am self-centered egocentric as people like to call it nowadays and then they talk about the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine complaining of the sad state of the nation and does nothing all these examples, these are people who complain and do nothing and then on page 62 they don't tell me that my real problem is drinking In fact, we don't really hear a whole lot about drinking from this point on. It says selfishness, self-centeredness, exclamation mark. That, we think, is the root of our troubles. And here's what I'm driven by, a hundred forms of fear. I'm so afraid. I'm such a coward. I am so afraid, I am self-seeking, self pity. I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at some time in the past, I've made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt. Now, I invariable find this in inventory. I don't invariably fine this just sitting down thinking hard. And I don' t find it when you tell it to me or point it out to me either. Then I just become resistant. Anyway, it tells me my troubles are of my own making and another real important thing on this page says that we must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us. It doesn't say alcohol kills us, it says the selfishness kills us it's the selfishess that led me to, I mean I'm an alcoholic who believes I ought to feel good all the time I'll go to any lengths for that, any lengths I'll hurt anybody to try to manage how I feel. Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. And then they tell me God makes that possible. The way I read it, it's not that God makes it possible for selfishness to kill me. I read that God make it possible to me to be rid off it. I cannot free myself of selfishness If I could, I wouldn't need Alcoholics Anonymous. I wouldn't need God. I wouldn'T need you. I would just free myself of the selfishness, and I'd be fine. But I can't. In fact, it goes on to say that I can'T reduce my self-centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power. I had to have God's help. And then they tell me the how and why of it. First of all, I had TO quit playing God. Well, before I can quit playing god, I have to understand how I play god. i i gotta tell you i didn't get it at the beginning i had to have a sponsor help me see the little ways you know and then they were just little ways and but it was enough it's like okay you're right i do try to manage outcomes you're white um the um one of my biggest experiences was in early sobriety my husband and i had this house up for sale and we had this antique dresser in the bedroom and there was one drawer that was a little off and it was his sock drawer. To close it properly, you had to lift one corner and push it in. He would never do that. Every morning this drawer is like you can see the sock stuff and I just enraged. We can't sell this house if that drawer is likely to go and fix that push it and doesn't he have any more sense than that? What's the matter with him? Never said a word but I'm going to have to go fix the drawer so we can sell the house i mean it doesn't take much for me to get caught up in playing god and and creating hell on earth you know the um and then be resentful for him and him the rest of the day and he doesn't have a clue he just what is wrong with her can't close a drawer yeah So I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. And then next, here's the decision. Hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be my director. And then I'm given all kinds of examples, principal, agent, father, child. This concept is the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom. And today, when I revisit the third step, what it boils down to for me today is that I'm making a decision that as of this moment, as of THIS moment, I'm no longer going to be driven by my fears, my insecurities, my self-centeredness. As of this momento, I want to follow God. I just want to go where he guides. And I don't know how to do that, but I'm making a decision to do that. What have I got to lose? What have i really got to loose? And I Don't think it's any coincidence that they say we thought well before taking the step and when I as I walk with women, we go home for a week and they think well and then we come back the next week, you know, and then we say the prayer. And the prayer is pretty awesome and there's no amen. The prayer talks about offering ourselves to God, to build with us and do with us as He will to take away our difficulties. I used to think that my difficulties were you. It talks about relieving us of the bondage of self, that we may better do God's will take away my difficulties not so that I'll feel better I said the prayer but what I heard were a lot of different things what I read what I first heard when I started saying this prayer was relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will that I know what your will is and it's my will and take away my bondage itself so I can better do our will take away my difficulties again, it's you all and, you know, how you're acting and treating me. And may I do thy will always. Yeah, it was the best I could do. It was the most difficult thing I could ever do. What I understand today is my difficulties are not about you. My difficulties are about how I react to life. And as I practice the rest of the steps, and in particular the 11th step, I get to see that change. The change doesn't come from me, but as we live, as we get on this spiritual walk and as we just do what's suggested, it's amazing what we get to See in our own lives. You know, and that's what I need to pay attention to is my own experience. In the 10th step later on, it talks about by the time we're there, our job is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. for me today to the extent that I understand my own experience and continue to understand my own experience to that proportion am I more effective in the world around me they just go hand in hand I don't understand my own experience when I'm living a life of distraction I can get totally disconnected from my own experience but anyway this prayer Or actually, when it really turned for me was when I understood that most of my life, this is how I treated men. I offer myself to you. Build with me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Give me what I need. Take away my difficulties. Pull out that magic wallet. That was just my own personal awareness. But today I understand that this decision is just that. It's a decision. It is the bondage of self that is killing me. At first, I wanted to do God's will. No, I didn't. No,I didn't at all. At first I just wanted something different. I just want something different and if that was called God's Will, okay let's go see. today I have a genuine desire I don't know where it came from but then it says take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help thy power, thy love and thy way of life we just had this long page after page discussion about selfishness and self-centeredness being the root of my problem and the prayer isn't about take away my difficulties so that I'll feel better. The prayer isn't take away my difficulties so that i'll live better or be more prosperous or know you better the prayer is take away my difficulties so that others will be helped take away my difficulties so others can see your glory and so we begin this journey and then we get a set of promises on the top of page 63 that are often felt quite strongly and often not. But what happens a lot in the meeting rooms I go to are people do the first three steps and then they stop. They stop. They feel better. They're not drinking. Life's better. Remember what I did last night? People are treating me a little better. and there's that big boogeyman called inventory. And I don't know about your community, but in mine a lot of people are scared to death of inventory. I might feel. I might cry. I mean, I'm recovering from a disease that was killing me, and I'm afraid that if I sit down at my kitchen table, I might not be able to control how I feel when the alternative is to pick up a drink and go do the things I was doing before. I mean, if I think through this, it's pretty insane. And yet at home we kind of contribute to that. We have a lot of people that talk about inventory like it's this big scary thing, and it's not. It's not, it just, and anyone and many in this room have written inventory and they can tell you it's not a big scary thing. It's an experience that changes each time. The first time I wrote inventory, I understood because I had a sponsor who helped me that it was about, it was actually three inventories. It was about resentment, it's about fear, and it's about conduct. And I had pages and pages of resentment inventory. I knew why you were wrong. I know who had harmed me, I knew what they had done, and I was easy to write about it. And the conduct, especially from a sexual point of view, pages and pages of that or misconduct, I could not connect with fear. I just couldn't. I had fear of death and fear of rats. And I just could make the connection between resentment and fear. But I did the best I could. I didthe absolute best Icould. And that was the best I can do. AndI took it to that sponsor. I sat in her living room for many hours and I shared and she listened and she shared and I cried and we laughed. For quite some time, Janet had been telling me that she loved me and it didn't really mean much to me because I knew that's what people in AA did. You shake hands and you say, love you, love you, love you, love you. This particular afternoon after sharing that inventory she looked me straight in the eye and she said I love you and I believed her. I believed her and I began to have a spiritual experience which is exactly what's promised with the fifth step it says we begin to have a spiritual experience and I think that is, and I don't know, but I think based on my experience, that's about coming back to this world and being one of. And I can't even say again because I don' t remember ever being one of. But in her living room, I knew that she loved me. I didn' t understand why and it was okay. And I also understood that if she loves me, just maybe, maybe God can too and she sent me home to do step six and seven and she told me exactly what the book tells me take an hour, be quiet, carefully review the first five steps. I went home and I did an alcoholic hour which was about 40 minutes I sat still for a little bit of it and then i just kind of walked you know and thought uh i did the best i could i did the best I could and then uh and I called her and we eventually I said the prayer and then we said the Prayer together and um then she said okay we'll get together we'll start making that list that amends list now the sixth and seventh step and I'm going to talk a little bit more about amends or inventory too but the um the sixth in seven step at At the beginning, and for quite some time, we're just intellectual. You know, they were just intellectual, and there's only a couple of paragraphs, and I didn't, you know, there just wasn't that much to it, and it's in the next chapter, Into Action, and isn't that interesting? Into Action is where we go into steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, one chapter, and all those steps are in it, and it does require action. we go from our kitchen table to someone's home and we share what we've written and on page 75 talks about we're given the fifth step promises in the middle of the page about how if we're thorough and withhold nothing all these things begin to happen I gotta tell you that when I was finished with that fifth step I did not experience anything on this page I was exhausted. I felt numb and depleted. I did not feel like I could look the world in the eye. I did Not feel like i could be alone at perfect peace and ease. I didn't feel my fears fall from me. In fact, when we prayed, Janet told God that i had told her everything. And i'm racking my brain thinking, oh gosh, what if i didn't? You know, but anyway, i did eventually experience those things. But I went home, and the book says we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Wasn't that interesting? I've just done the first five steps, and they're suggesting that I know God better by now. And then it tells me to go to the step that contains the first 5 proposals, the first 4 steps, and then they give me all these construction analogies, which basically says have I been thorough? Have I left anything out? What I did then was just I mentally went through the first five steps, read them. And that was what I did. What I do today is I revisit the first 5 steps. And I ask myself, what's the first step mean to me today? I'm powerless over alcohol. What do I understand about that? How about my life being unmanageable? And if I've written inventory, my fear inventory has shown me all the ways that I've been trying to manage my life and how it doesn't work. So it's like, okay, I get that. Second step, what's my conception of God today? Well, again, my peer inventory has, you know, I've looked at self-sufficiency and how It fails. and the reason I'm back managing my life is because I'm an agnostic I doubt God so what's my conception of God today and after going through that inventory I get to revisit that and so I ask myself you know what's your conception of me what's in my decision today and then the third step you know what am I really willing to do am I willing to turn my will in my life over to the care of God what is it I still think I need to manage and I just walk through all that And then my inventory, you know, what has God revealed to me this time? And I'm a firm believer that inventory is not where I find out who I am. No, inventory is where I found out who am not. You know, I believe that we were all created by something bigger than us and that we were created perfectly. And I know that at an early age, I started working on that. I started recreating myself. And, in fact, my entire life has been about creating myself for you rather than revealing myself to you. At some point, I got lost in the process. And these things that I have built up over the years to protect myself, to survive, to exist, are just things I've layered upon what was created. And in inventory, I get to see how the things that used to enable me to survive are killing me. They're killing me today. And so I look at that, and to the extent that I truly find it objectionable, and that's the question the sixth step asked me to ask, to the extend that I find these things objectionable and I believe in direct proportion to that, am I going to have the willingness and the readiness to be changed you know the 12 in 12 talks about we don't want to be so greedy that we'll rob a bank but I'll cheat at the office we don'T want to be so lustful that we'LL go out and commit a crime but I'LL flirt with your husband you know the subtleties continue to be revealed, inventory after inventory. And I can't become willing to be changed if I don't know about it, if I'm not aware of it. Everybody else may be aware of it. But if I don't have the willingness and the awareness, what am I taking to God? Nothing. Just an intellectual thing. So anyway, it's a process. And six and seven are so pivotal for me today. At the beginning, after I did six and seven, then I thought I was supposed to go fix myself. And because I'd seen in my inventory that I was selfish and dishonest, I thought, okay, now I'm going to go practice being honest. And I'm gonna practice being unselfish. And those are good things to do. And I can do that. I can change my behavior. I Can, especially if you're watching. But the essence of who I am, what really drives me is beyond my ability to change. I can't do it. If I had the power to change myself, I wouldn't need Step 6 and 7. I wouldn' t need this program. I wouldn''t need God. I don' t have the power to change myself if i have the willingness to be changed the change has begun that's been my experience now how do i get that willingness one step at a time one experience at a time one awareness at atime but it comes you know it comes so the um so what i do after the seven step prayer is exactly what the book suggests it talks about faith without works is dead. Now a lot of people in my hometown hear about the nine step promises and they hear about 90 meetings in 90 days and they wonder why 90 days later they still feel horrible and they haven't experienced any of the promises and I think that's tragic and I don't think anyone means anyone any harm but I think we do people a great disservice when we read those promises and we don't explain that you know these promises aren't what you get halfway through your 90 days these promises are what come about in the making of amends and it's my belief that that decision I made in the third step begins to be consummated in the making of Amends see up until the making of Amands it's just me and my pen and my paper oh, then my sponsor, a few prayers, no real action. When it comes time to make amends, then I have to go where I haven't gone before and see situations unfold over which I have no control, over which i've given up all control. And the formula I was given for making amends is pretty simple. I was wrong. I was wrong here are the ways I was wrong I caused you harm here are the ways I understand I caused you harm now my arrogance at the beginning told me that I knew exactly how you were harmed and I knew exactly how to amend you and so I showed up prepared to amend you the way I knew you needed to be amended I had to make amends for a couple of those amends the formula I was given was I was wrong here's how I understand I was wrong, here are the harms I believe I caused please tell me please tell my the other ways this affected you and I listen and then the most important thing I ask is what can I do to make it right please tell mi what can I do to make i right well that opens it up doesn't it and then we get all the fear. Oh, what if they want this? What if they want that? Well, have you put your life in God's hands or not? I've never ever had anyone ask for something that I couldn't give them. Never. Now, obviously if someone was crazy, I would probably say something like, I have to check with my sponsor. But I just haven't had that experience. But I understand the fear and I understand, you know, my sponsor, bless her heart, told me we used index cards and we put each person on a different card, along with the contact information, a summary of the harms. And she told me I could make three stacks, the yes, I'm willing to do these amends, the maybe, and the no, heck no stack. And what I discovered was the willingness came, but I had to start somewhere. Anyway, going back to inventory, and that's where the list starts at we start with inventory and we start pulling names off of there and then others will come to us or maybe they won't but later on what I discovered was that inventory wasn't something that I had to just do once a year inventory is a way of life for me now and it doesn't have to be a big deal after after I got sober, eventually Charlie and I did agree to divorce and it was just the best thing we could do at the time. Hindsight's 20-20 and I understand today what I didn't understand then but everything's in God's hands. Anyway, after he and I divorced I met Richard in the rooms of AA and we both liked to believe that we were friends first. We tried to be friends first, we were driven by lust but we tried real hard to hold hands and to do it differently and eventually we were together, we were married and it was a garden of opportunity. Relationships are a garden of opportunity for spiritual growth. One of my favorite quick little amends that I like to share and here's the piece of paper I wrote it on originally just this little piece a notepad. And I apologize for those of you who have already heard it, but we, um, I don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen and Richard did most of the cooking. And on this particular Saturday, he was out doing something and, and, uh, I decided to cook. And so I made this huge meal, everything from fresh bread to dessert, huge meal. He, uh、 he came home and wasn't hungry. and he wasn't hungry because he had stopped and had a chicken sandwich. Well, I've got to tell you, now, I'm a few years, I'm like two, three years sober, you know, little Miss AA, and in an instant, I went to the dark side. Not only was he not hungry after I had prepared this lavish meal, but he had stopped and had his sandwich and hadn't called me to see if I was hungry. Now, this seems funny today, and it seems silly, but I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. It doesn't mater how big the resentment is or how important the resentment will be. If resentment is, resentment will kill me. The book tells me that resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else. I think that means resentment kills more alcoholcs than anything other. When I'm harboring resentment, I am blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit. The sunlight doesn't go anywhere, but I've pulled the blinds down, and it's dark. So because people like you had taught me what to do, I wrote a little inventory, and I always start inventory with a prayer, and this one was help me know the truth. I'm angry at Richard. It's that simple. Who am I angry at? Richard. Why? I cooked dinner, and when he came home, he wasn't hungry because he had bought and eaten a chicken sandwich. Parentheses, he didn't buy me one. What does it affect? The third column. And I was taught to... We've got that little checklist in the book. Does it affect my emotional security, financial security, sex relations, personal relations, all of that. I was given some questions to ask myself. Now, I didn't do this with my first inventory. It was more of a checklist. But later on, it was suggested that to really understand what drives me, you know, what are the fears and the insecurities that drive me? I was given a series of questions to ask myself an answer in this third column. Well, it affects my ambitions. I had planned on us eating together. Those were my plans. It affects my personal relations. Doesn't he care enough about me to think of sharing a meal with me, either the one I prepared or offering to bring home sandwiches for both of us? Where's the unity in that? It affects my emotional security. I would never treat him this way. What is this self-centered deal? And to be emotionally secure, I think I need him to think of me, to think about me, to think I'm sharing meals with me to feel secure. And that's the question I ask. What do I think I need to feel insecure? And what I learned in those first three columns, and by the way, I don't think format matters. Columns, rows, circles, you know, write inventory any way you want to write it, but write inventory. And I went through my regimented phase where you had to write it this way or it wouldn't work. And I, thank God, grew out of that. It's just important to write. It's the experience. It's not how we write it. It's do we write if. And what I get to see is it's not about the people. It's non-existent. It's about what they do. It's a matter of how I react to it. those difficulties. You know, when I look at what it's affecting, my plans, my emotional security, my relationships are all in jeopardy because of how I react to this. And then something that a lot of us miss, I did for some time, is after we write those first three columns, rows, whatever, we're given another set of instructions before we look at our mistakes and on the bottom of page 66 I think this is pivotal because I've written the same inventory over and over, any of you done that? I'm resentful at because I was selfish dishonest and then two months later I'm resentment it's the same thing what happened, why can't I get rid of this well the reason I can't get rid of it is because I've been unwilling to see it from an entirely different angle and at the bottom of page 66 the book suggests that if I'm going to be free if I am going to live I have to be free of anger and so it tells me we turn back to the list for it holds the key to the future we were prepared to look at it from a totally different angle that means from an angle different than I've ever looked at it before well the world and the people in it are often quite wrong hallelujah, I get that what's the different angle? well they tell me that the world and its people own me and the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real has the power to kill I will die because of what I think you think i will i will die because of what i think you think how can i escape i can't wish these resentments away i have to have god's help and then they give me a course of action here's how i'm going at first i have asked myself am i willing to see this from an entirely different angle now i will tell you yes but oftentimes the answer of my heart is no they're wrong darn it and that's where I'm staying they're wrong and that is where I am staying well when I am suffering enough then I become willing to be free rather than right and it gives me a course of action we realize the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick well my attitude toward that was yeah they are sick and that really not the spirit of this that is just an extension of my anger you're wrong. I'm holier than you. You're sick. I need God's help because I can't get to where I need to go without it. But it said, though we did not like their symptoms, that's the second column, and the way these disturbed me, that is the third column, they are just like me. We are just alike. And then I am given a set of prayer and meditation. And I have to take this seriously because it changes. God literally turns my heart with this stuff. It says, and the prayer is we ask God, that's a prayer, to help me show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man or a woman. How can I be helpful? How can i be helpful ? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. Now there are lots of wonderful prayers, but the prayer that I'm given for resentment are these. And this is an easy one for me because so many of the people I loved have been stricken with cancer. So I can go there visually. I can going to the hospital room and I'm sure many of you can too. And someone you love is in the hospital and they're very ill, and maybe they're dying. Spiritual illness kills, and maybe they are dying. You walk in, they're grumpy, and they're irritable, and they're just nasty. And you're trying to be kind, and you offer a drink, and they snap at you. Well, when I'm in that situation, I don't take that personally. I understand that their anger, which is really fear, it's not about me. It's because they're sick, and They hurt, and they're in pain, you know, and they're responding to what they feel. You know, and I don't throw the pillow back and call them some vulgar name. No, I understand that they're sick and this isn't about me. And I am able to treat them with tolerance and compassion, you know, cheerfully treat a sick friend. And I, you know, get them water and I bring them flowers and i'll let them know i love them you know and um i've got the kind of arrogance me you know a real alcoholic who just roared through the lives of others thought only of myself you know an in sobriety you know i'm relieved of a disease that was killing me and in sobriety, I will get out my spiritual superiority and look down at you and not understand that we are all spiritually broken. That we all suffer. You know, that what you're doing to me isn't what you'RE doing to ME. People very rarely do things to us. We do things for ourselves. So I need to sit in meditation. I need God's help. I need GOD to help me look at this from an entirely different angle. I need to pray these prayers. And I even have a little, I've taken all the prayers and I write them out. And I ask myself, God, how can I show this person compassion? And I sit with that meditation. And if something comes, I jot it down. What would that look like? You know, a vision of God's will. What would tolerance look like, you know? And if I sit with that mediation, some pretty cool things begin to happen. God turns my heart and I begin to understand that this isn't about me. This isn't about me, and sometimes, sometimes the question, how can I be helpful? The answer quite often is forgive. Forgive. Let it go. Release the debt. Let it Go. I'm given save me from being angry. My anger is killing me, it's not hurting you. Thy will be done. Thy will by done. Do I mean it? Can I mean It? And then I'm given some direction on what not to do. Avoid retaliation or argument. I want to hurt you back. I want you to know how you're wrong. And I'm told to avoid that. I don't treat sick people that way. And I can't be helpful to all people. But at the very least, God will show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Well, that's not going to happen for me unless I engage in this prayer and meditation. You know, I am as powerless over what I think and feel As I ever was over a drink I just cannot control what I Think or feel. However, I have access to a Power, I can take different action And I firmly believe today that my spiritual condition Is in no way related to what I feel or what I feel. I used to think if it felt good, it was good. If it felt bad, it's bad. That's not true. And what I understand today is that my spiritual condition is not gauged by how I feel, my spiritual conditioning is gauging by what I do. And you've seen these people, they show up to help regardless of how they feel. They show up to help regardless of what they think of you. it's the action that is a manifestation of our spiritual condition not our feelings, not our thinking trust me, when you're holding the hand of someone who's dying you don't feel good but if you're able to be present and hold the hand of someone whose dying because they're dying it's not about me yeah that's a spiritually fit condition and we don't have to feel good to be spiritually fit yeah the um um so anyway this little set of prayer meditation to look at it from an entirely different angle with richard in this dinner fiasco i sat and did that prayer and meditation and what i wrote out was he and i are both spiritually sick We both react to past patterns. We're both self-centered. And here's where the truth began to be revealed. You know what? He had absolutely no reason to expect me to cook. None, none whatsoever. I hadn't told him I was going to cook, he can't read my mind. And guess what? He was hungry and he ate. Well now isn't that honest? And he was, he was honest. I was the one, you know, with the hidden agenda. You know, I wasthe one who didn't tell himI was cooking. It was going to be a surprise. You know? So, you kno, I got free. I got fre. He didn't go out and get a chicken sandwichin order to hurt my feelings. He was just living an honest life. My mistakes, Iwas dishonest. If I'd known he was goingto eat, I wouldn't have cooked. I wouldn'e have. I wasn't cooking because I was hungry. I was cooking for his response. And if a girlfriend had come by and had already eaten, I would not have had that reaction because I wasn't looking for that response from her. And so I got free. I got freer. It's just a little thing, but it's amazing how just a few moments of prayer, meditation, and inventory will literally set us free. And I went from living in the dark back into the sunlight. And that's a wonderful way to live. And I haven't, I mean, there are times when I can take that stuff and it can occupy days and weeks and months of my time. Yeah, it's just phenomenal. The fear inventory, the book talks about how fear touches every aspect of our lives. You know, at the beginning I just didn't connect with that, but I do now and I'm so grateful for that. And when I write that fourth column, that last column of resentment inventory, and I answer those questions, where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Self-seeking. I was told as selfish as it's mine, and you can't have it. Self-Seeking is it's yours, and I want it. And dishonesty. For me, my greatest areas of dishonesty are in what I don't say. you know i won't let you know you can't respond to what you don't know and i'm not telling it's horrible it's really and it's tough to have open honest loving intimate relationships if you're not telling the uh you know and fear well when i write resentment inventory after i get that last column done i highlight all the fears because that's where i'm going to go Resentment is just fear wearing a different dress. And what I want to get at are the fears. And so I take those fears and I start my fear inventory. And the book says, you know, we listed our fears. So I start with what I found in resentment, and then I ask myself, do I have any others? Because oftentimes I have fears that aren't connected to any resentment. And then it asks us, why do we have them? And then wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Well, I answer the question, why do I have them so I can get to the root of the fear? He lied to me. And that, I'm afraid. I mean, I've done this inventory, but what am I afraid of? Well, if he lies to me, I can't believe him. Okay. Well, why does that, why don't I have that fear? Well, If I can believe him, then I can really know. Well, Why am I Afraid of not really knowing? because I've got to get inside his mind. You know, I've gotta know exactly what he's feeling and thinking, and if I don't, I'm scared to death that it won't be real. And if it's not real, then I'm a fool and I've wasted all my time. So I have to ask these questions and get to the root fear. And then I haveto ask myself the next question, which is most important, wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? What does that mean? What's self-reliance? I have to know what self-reliance is before I can ask the question, Does it fail me? So I haveと ask myself, Okay, what have I been relying upon to address this fear? Well, I supervise a lot of his actions. Pay close attention to what he's doing, who he's talking to, who he're looking at, how they're looking back. It's a beautiful way to live. I question a lot. We'll have the little inquisition at the end of the day and what she's saying, what you're saying, what you think, and what they feel. And doesn't that make for a lovely atmosphere of unity? So I look at all the ways I try to manage this. I look it all the way. I look all the things I try to manage. Did it work? Am I without the fear? No. No. No, I'm not. In fact, I am just more frustrated and more frightened because I don't know. So I ask myself, did self-reliance fail me? And when I answer those questions, I get to see how I'm trying to manage my life again and how unmanageable my life is. And see, I leak. I forget. You know, this information comes in. I've got it. I get it. And ten minutes later, it's gone. Because here I am. I'm in control again. It says that self-reliance just doesn't go far enough. And perhaps there's a better way. A better way than what? A better ways than me running my life. You know, it just takes me deeper really into my third step decision. Because I get to see by the middle of fear inventory, oh yeah, I do play God. Here's what I'm doing. Here's what I'm doing, and here's how I'm doing it, and it's not working. So am I interested in a better way? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Sometimes I've just got to get the bigger hammer. I'm just being honest, and I'm not always aware that I'mdoing that when I do it. And then I wonder... Well, anyway. When I am interested in a better way, that second paragraph there on page 68 tells me exactly what it's all about. This different basis of living is the basis of trusting and relying upon God. And there's a period there. And for the longest time I didn't see the period. And I thought it was trust and rely upon God to make it turn out okay, my way. That's what I need. I need this to turn out OK, which is my way and there's a period. And then it goes on to say we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. What does that mean? Infinite God, infinite at God. I can't even grasp infinite. I can't. I cannot get my mind around it. Finite self, yeah, I cannot see past that door. I believe the God of my understanding can see past the door, around the corner, down the block. It's beyond me. I mean, it's God. It's Beyond Me. So I'm going to trust something I can't understand nor define. More importantly, I'm going to stop trusting me. The bottom line here is I don't know. When I can get to the place of I don' t know, thank you. As long as I know I'm in trouble, as long as think I know what you need, what I need, what we need to be okay, I'm running the show. The moment I get to I don''t know, there's room for God's will. So am I willing to just trust the unknown? This is where I begin to develop faith and exercise faith. And then I'm told, we talk about God's will all the time, but we don't know what it is, and I'm taught right here why I'm in the world. I am in the role to play the role he assigns. This suggests to me that I am created specifically because there's a role for me. The role he assigned, you know, the actor I want to take care of. I've actually got a role if I'll pay attention. And I really believe that we are created because there is a role for us to play. Am I interested in that? Well, if I am, it tells me there's another promise that just to the extent that I do as I think God would have me and humbly rely on him rather than my intellect, am I going to be able to match calamity with serenity? It doesn't say that my life's going to mean nothing but serenety. it says that I will be able to respond to calamity with serenity, which I never did. Bring on the drama, bring on the trauma. We'll sing, we'll dance, we're shout, we run in circles, you know, we get crazy together. And to the extent I'm relying upon God, I get to respond all of that differently. and I used to believe that this role that God assigned was like this big plan like 5-10 year plan who I'm going to marry where I'm going to live what I'm gonna do big plan and I wanted to know the big plan now what I've come to believe and this is Linda this is not the big book what I have come to believe is the role that God assigns isn't about next year or five years from now or even tomorrow. The role God assignes me is right here, right now in the present, you know, this moment, you know wherever I am whoever I'm with what is your role for me here now because it really is the only thing that's real right here right now and when i'm willing to become aware of and seek that it's a beautiful life yeah and i don't have to live a life of distraction which is how i normally live you know i'm consumed with the past and my resentments about the past or i'm Consumed with the future and my fears about the future. And I miss what's real. I miss right here, right now. So, I'm here because he's got a role for me. And if I'll seek it right here right now, I'll be able to respond to calamity with serenity. And I don't have to, I can stop apologizing. The promises go on. I can start apologizing for depending upon my creator. talks about in this last paragraph that the verdict of the ages is faith means courage. All women and men of faith have courage. It takes a whole lot of courage and faith to trust God for what I do next rather than your approval. And I've lived my life acting so that I get your approval and when I begin to shift from that to following a God of my understanding understanding that I'm not always going to be on target but I'm willing to go there you're not always going to like me, you're no always going to approve but that's freedom that is freedom when I can live my life knowing that as long as I'm okay with the God of my understanding I don't have to be okay with you I'm free you're free You can believe what we want, think what you want, feel what you want. I don't have to play God anymore. I don'T have to control what you think about me. It's huge. It's absolutely huge. It is the beginning of the fourth dimension. It's HUGE. And it goes on in that paragraph to say again, twice, we DON'T apologize for God which means I DON'T have to justify my actions to you anymore. I DONT have to make you understand I just don't it says instead we let God demonstrate through us what he can do so it's about God, it's not even about us then we're given another prayer we ask him to remove our fear and the meditation is to direct our attention to what he would have us be and then the promise is that at once Not tomorrow. At once, we begin to outgrow fear. And I'm sometimes slowly. And so when I first started saying this prayer, I wanted him to direct my attention to what he would have me do, what he wanted me to do. And it's not do, it's be. And when I sit quietly and I pray that prayer and I ask God, what would you have me be? And I listen, something comes. and if it's be happy then the doing is easy I just do it happily if it is be calm then thedoing is easy I justdoit calmly whatever it is if we just begin to practice sitting in the stillness the answers are within we just have to let them come and I think it is probably time for a break So, ten minutes? Lunch. Lunch? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, well, I should put my glasses on more often. All right, lunch. Okay. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day. Thank you.